Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-19

Episode Date: May 9, 2019

Bill rambles about playoffs, inflight movies, and a certain Patriots jacket.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you.

Seeing how your week's going, huh? Making sure the Celtics fans are fucking, you just got your asses whipped by the Milwaukee Bucks. The Boston slam is over. And there's a lot of people that are happy about that. A lot of sports fans are happy about that. And I'll ask you this, what does that say about you as a person?

That that's where you get your joy in the failures of others. You know, Boston could have used a sports pick me up. We only won the World Series in the Super Bowl this past year. I'm just fucking with you. I do the same thing. Like I'm actually really upset that,

well, I guess it doesn't matter because the Lakers aren't in it, but I want Kevin Durant to be totally healthy. And if the Celtics aren't gonna win it, just anybody but the Lakers. But I think that my hatred of the Lakers is justified considering for whatever reason, they get to count a non NBA title as an NBA title.

And I give it up to the Lakers. They are the most successful team in my lifetime. Sorry, empty and shit because my laptop's full here. Empty in my trash. They are, they're the most successful team. They're fucking amazing. And they were able to transition from the old school way right into the free agency way,

better than the Celtics have. So I'll give them up on that. My only thing with them is take that fucking banner down. You know, quit hitting off the ladies T's, win all your championships in the NBA. I think that that's fair, but having said that, I didn't see a second of the Milwaukee Bucks series, but I definitely, I don't know.

I definitely kind of saw, I didn't see us winning it this year. I was a little excited when we, when we swept the Pacers, but we just couldn't get into a groove this year. Just couldn't, I don't know what the fuck happened. It's almost like, I don't know. It was like, it was like when, you know, when in music, when they put together a super band,

as they call it, it's like, we'll get the bass player from this huge band and we'll get the drummer from this band and blah, blah, blah and all that type of shit. And you think that this thing's gonna, sometimes it just doesn't work. And I think if you're a good Celtic fan, get off the fucking internet

and stop fucking pointing fingers till you clean up your own fucking life, all right? Until you put your hatred of the Lakers to bed like me. No, you're not going to be doing the Celtics any favor by going on there and pointing the fingers and pointing your finger at people and saying a bunch of negative shit. You know, leave that to the analysts or whatever.

They're gonna say enough, but you don't need to fan the flames because what I'm worried right now is what's gonna happen is everybody's gonna trash Kyrie Irving, blame him, and then he's gonna go sign with somebody else and he's gonna have this fire in his belly and it's gonna come back to haunt us. So just, you know, whatever.

Sometimes you ever see somebody redo a car and they just put too much shit on it, you know? Too many bells and whistles. The rims don't, you know, should have picked a different rim or you didn't need this, you didn't need, it's kind of like that was just a little bit too much, too much mustard on the hot dog.

And I just don't think there was room enough for the amount of creativity on that team that just wasn't enough touches for everybody and people started getting, I don't know, something happened. I don't know what, they just couldn't get into the flow. But I do know that we have the best fucking young coach in the NBA and we also have Varga to be one of the best GMs at Danny's.

So I believe we're gonna be able to fix this thing. But thank you to the Celtics for, you know, we came up short, but it was still a great year. And congratulations to your Milwaukee bucks. And I'd be lying to you as an NBA fan to not say that it isn't exciting to see that team. After all these years, I mean, I can't remember the last time they had a nice one.

I imagine something happened between Sidney Monkreef and Yanis, mostly to Tupu, whatever it's for. I can't say and take Tampo, sense him. But that is an exciting team to watch. Whatever, it's just, it's good. It's good when team, you know, it's not good when just fucking New York, Boston and LA are fucking doing something in every goddamn year.

It's just not good. It's not good for the fucking league. So I root for everybody else. And I am almost to the point now, where I'm letting go of my anger of like, like I just don't, I don't, I'm too old now. I just, I don't give a fuck. All right, I'm not gonna sit here and waste time

and root against the fucking Lakers, even though it's just trash in them. The Canadians and the Yankees, like, I don't give a fuck anymore. Because no matter how much I hate them, it's not gonna change the result when they play the game. So what the fuck am I doing? All right, God bless all of them.

I root for the Boston ones. And if you beat us, congratulations. How about that was that for enlightened? It is a big question. Bill, can you sustain it? It's like I'm on an emotional diet right now, which I need to go on a real fucking diet after the shit. I had one fucking Snickers bar in an airport

because they were boarding and I didn't have time. And I remember that advertisement where they tried to act like it was actually a decent replacement for a meal. Remember when Snickers had the balls to do that? It's packed with peanuts. Yes, surrounded by fucking the food version of heroin. Sugar.

And I got back on the sugar, man. I tied off. I snorted the first one and then I shot there. I ate more goddamn candy and dessert on the last four days of this fucking, this trip. And I came home looking like I was fucking to get ready to play Santa Claus on fucking the next Christmas holidays.

So I got back on it yesterday. It's just, it's just hard to eat well when you're on the road, but people keep the vegetarian meals coming in, man. I'm gonna do like a hybrid, my version. Sort of like the way a rich kid goes to the army. You know what I mean? I'm gonna be a vegetarian the way George W. Bush

served his country. I'm gonna be in the vegetarian reserves and not show up for a few days. Now why pick on him? I don't know because we're fucking bankrupt after that fucking day. How's our intelligence? Hey, it's fucking damn good.

I would, where's that guy? Can he come out and say, hey, now that we're 20 trillion in debt, hey, sorry about bankrupting your fucking entire futures. I don't know. Bartender kind of was talking to me about some shit like that. He, I was kind of putting the last two,

this one in the Latin, the one before us in perspective with what they fucking inherited. It's a fucking shit show. It's like a water main break broken. They get, you walked in there with a fucking wrench and a pair of rubber boots and you're supposed to try and fix it. I don't know what, I don't know,

but that's too fucking dark. Okay, and I'm taking it on the upswing here because I'll tell you this. I, at this point, I've been to almost, I think I've been to 29 different countries, 28 really. I went to the Holy city too. The Holy sea, which is considered its own fucking country. And the overwhelming thing that I have found

is people are nice. People, yeah, they're just decent. Walk around, they're just fucking nice. And all of this fucking shit that's going on is the concept at the top because they want to control everything. And I really gotta tell you, dude, just don't fucking watch the news.

I literally went to fucking Israel, not watching the news, had no idea that Hamas had shot like fucking 6,700 fucking rockets. I don't know if it's into Jerusalem or what. Had no idea. Just landed there. I mean, people immediately gave me that information, but you know, people are fucking nice.

They're fucking nice. And when I got outside my hotel, I saw some Palestinian people and they were peacefully protesting. And it's just people are fucking, they're just nice. They're nice. All of this fucking, these are evil doers and these fucking people

and all these fucking people, blah, blah, blah, but it's like, no, no, no, no, no. What it is, it's like, you on the other side of the fucking fence. Smartest thing I ever did was I stopped watching the news. I really did. If you went, you know, and I swear to God, if I wasn't in this fucking business,

I'd get off social media. If you got off, imagine if you did this, if you got off social media, you stop watching the news. All right. And then you fucking, I don't know, start reading. You know, I watched a really cool documentary. Watch this one, there's this documentary. This kid made, who's trying to do a documentary

with Bill Murray, Bill Murray never got to him. And then he kind of realized other things or whatever. But he was kind of investigating all of these stories about Bill Murray walking down the street and then just jumping in a kickball game with random people taking pictures and disappearing. Just kind of watch that thing the way that guy, or at least the way they're presenting

the way the dude lives his life. It's pretty, I don't know. Maybe I was just stuck on an airplane, but it kind of affected me when I was watching it. I actually watched a bunch of great movies on the 12 hour flight before the four hour delay at a connecting flight. Never connect when you're traveling into an international.

As you basically, considering it's playoff times, let's get to the X and O's. You basically just increased your chances of a delayed flight by 100%. As you doubled the amount of planes that you were taking, and goddamn it, it happened. I do want to give a shout out to United Airlines for making it happen.

I thought these guys were up against it. By the time the delay was over, everybody, the stewardesses would have flight attendants, everybody was up against it, and they still went anyways. We were supposed to get in at like 10, 15 LA time. We finally got in at like 3 a.m. And I basically spent 24 hours on planes and in an airport.

And it's just one of those things where a 12 hour flight is so fucking long you don't even give a shit. I just sit there and it's like all right, I stayed up for the entire thing too. And the first thing I watched was this Bill Murray documentary. Then I watched, let me make sure I get the names

of these movies right. I watched that Jonah Hill movie. Is it mid 90s? Is that what it's called? Mid 90s. Look at that full movie. Pay for that thing, you cheap fuck. Mid 90s, yeah.

Jonah Hill movie, fucking love that movie. Great movie, incredible performances. I love the writing and all of that. And I was like, man, this must've got great reviews or whatever, and I looked it up. And so much of the shit was about the language, the harsh language that was used and all of that shit. I just don't know, I don't understand when they decided

to treat every moviegoer out there like they're a fucking child. You know what I mean? I remember watching Roots when I was a kid. They didn't have this big fucking thing. Now there's gonna be a lot of harsh things that you're gonna see here. You know, if Roots came out now,

I think they would literally be like, you know, is that the right thing to put out now? Is this gonna start slavery again? It's just like, this is the way people talked that the title of the movie is literally called Mid 90s. Is that 1890s? I don't understand. Just watch the movie, it was fucking like,

I was really blown away by the performances too. And I also love the ending, which is the hardest thing to land is the third act without doing some sort of thing that people can see. They can see the end coming or something like that. It was just a fucking phenomenal movie. So congratulations to Jonah Hill and everybody else that was in it.

The acting, the actors in it were just, they were just, they were so fucking great, man. I'd really love that movie. All right, and then next up, I watched On the Waterfront, and finally fucking paid attention because I had to, incredible movie. I know that's like one of the best ones of all time,

but I actually sat and watched it, loved that one. Then I watched, I gotta make sure I get this one right too. The Laurel and Hardy movie. Another great one. I was just Stan and Ollie. I watched that movie and just once again, absolutely fantastic fucking movie. I made sure I picked good ones.

You know what I mean? So if I'm gonna sit here, I'm gonna make sure I watched you know, I remember Mark Marin was raving about that movie. So I'm gonna, I was like, I'm gonna watch this, but Steve Cougar and John C. Riley, Shirley Henderson and Nina Ariyanda.

They were like the main, they played basically Laurel and Hardy and then there were significant others. And Nina Ariyanda, her character was fucking hilarious. Definitely checked that one out. Then what's that? That's one, two, three? Is that three or four?

That's four with the Bill Murray thing. And then I watched, I started, I was like, all right, man, like these are really great movies, but you really have to pay attention. Let me watch something a little sillier. And they had St. Elmo's Fire was on there. And I got through maybe eight minutes of that movie.

It was, oh man, it was, dude, when, when, when fucking, what now it's a fucks his name? When he takes Rob Lowe's head and he stuffs it in a fucking toilet in a bar and the guy doesn't get mad. He's like, oh, you know, whatever the wet look is in. I'm like, okay.

All right. And then for the third time they did the, they all told a joke and they all went, but I'm bumping and then they had that little fucking thing that they went, we get it. They have camaraderie. They're college friends. I was just like, all right.

Plus basically everybody had this look on their face that they were just really enjoying being famous. I don't think that was a good time for any of those actors cause I like all the actors in that movie, but that was just like, they had that look on their face. Like, yeah, this is never going to end. Not all of them. Anyway, so I shut that one off.

And I was like, all right, I'm not, I'm not, you know, this is actually going to make the flight seem longer. So then the last movie I watched, what the hell did I watch? I just went blank. I watched another really good one. This is how my brains work. Cause I literally knew the movie.

And then I thought, wait, what was the one previous to it? And then if I go previous, it just erases the last thought. Oh, I remember. I watched, what happened to baby Jane starring Betty Davis and I don't want to say that. Joan Collins, the other Joan, let me see. Betty Davis and Joan Crawford.

And I always heard that, you know, they did a whole movie about how they didn't fucking like each other and all of this type of shit. I watched that movie. That's one of those movies that it's like, the performances and everything are really good. Then it keeps going out off the road and then it comes back. There is sort of a major hole in it where, you know,

some shit that happened before you get to see them. It's like, and the cops didn't intervene and then they were cool with the two of them just hanging out and they were like, oh, is that what happened? Oh, the studio fixed it. I actually really enjoyed it. And there's an actor in it who I really fucking loved. And it turned out, I'm gonna get his name here.

It turned out that he actually was the one that played King Tut on the Batman series. He was a phenomenal actor. I was like, who the fuck is that guy? What's his name? How for fuck's sakes? Is it Victor Buono? Is that how you say his name?

Yes. Larger than life. It went with an eloquent king-size appetite from maniacal merriment. Who the fuck wrote this shit? Jesus Christ, he didn't live long. Died at 43. There must have been the old heart attack.

People try to get the weight off. Try to keep the, get the weight off and try and keep it off. Don't eat a bunch of fucking candy like I did. So anyways, I recommend all of those movies. And I guess St. Elmo's Fire too, if you're doing some research on the Brad Pack. Now, if I was gonna watch a Brad Pack movie,

I would watch The Breakfast Club. I think that that was the high watermark of that. But St. Elmo's Fire wasn't a good one. What were the other ones about last night? What was the one that had Andrew McCarthy and Rob Lowe? And they both went to college. I can't talk about the movie without

giving the fucking thing away. But it has one of the most anticlimactic endings to a movie I've ever seen. I'm not ripping either actor because I think they did a good job. But it's just like, did they just improv the end of that fucking thing? I don't wanna ruin that one.

All right, what are my fucking Siskel and Ebert here? Shut the fuck up, Bill. Whatever, that's what I watched. Then I got home. Finally got home at about 3.34 in the morning. And I was able to, yesterday, sleep a little bit. Right now, it's four in the morning, my time. I was able to stay up till about four in the afternoon

yesterday, gonna watch the Celtics game. I was like, I'm gonna close my eyes for an hour. And I woke up at eight and I was like, ah, fuck. Cause a pipe burst in my house. Shout out to my wife handling that whole fucking thing. One of the main things, you can, greatest things you can ever teach your wife is how to shut off the fucking water in your house

before major damage gets done. And she handled that like a champ. By the time she woke me up, the plumbers were already there and they fixed it. So, I don't know, as I've said, this house has a lot of character. It's got a lot of character, everybody. A lot of fucking character.

Run and hide, if anybody ever says that of a house that you're thinking about buying. All right, but the Boston Bruins and your North Carolina Hurricanes are getting ready to show. First game tonight, 5 p.m. West Coast time, 8 p.m. East Coast time, fucking 7 p.m. Central time and 6 p.m. Mountain time.

Did I handle everything? What time is it in Hawaii? I don't know. Probably starts at like fucking one in the afternoon. Two in the afternoon, I don't know. Honolulu time. Four o'clock, Alaska time. The Bruins start their series

with the very difficult Carolina Hurricanes. Have no idea. I don't know anything about this team other than that they've been an absolute buzz saw since the beginning of April. So, this should be another tough one. I don't know why they're giving Marchionne shit for that little fucking snarky fucking reporter

giving him a rough time. Somebody tried to equate it to how I missed the whole series. Charlie McEvoy, I guess had a hit that was up high, possibly dirty, you know, hitting against somebody in the Columbus Blue Jackets and he's like, and they're still able to shake hands. Why doesn't Brad Marchionne give more than one word answers to this fucking jerk off reporter?

Because he's not on the ice. That's why he's not a player. Stop, and this guy wrote this whole fucking article like the reporters are just, like people wouldn't even know what was going on. We totally would know what was going on. We're not there for your report. We're there for the game.

We're watching the fucking game. People would still watch literally if there was no fucking announcers. It wouldn't be as good, would not be as good. All right, but I would say right now that the level of coverage, it's so above and beyond anything that's even needed.

Where did that fucking thing even happen? It happened during the warmups before a fucking playoff game. And Marchionne took time out of warming up for a crucial fucking playoff game to talk to this fucking asshole and then he starts giving him shit like he's actually picked sides

and he's skated away like he should have. I liked what he did and I liked that he gave one word answers, but of course the press is always going to have the last answer. And then they're going to bring up, you know, you lick a few faces, couple of soof, soof, what's the next thing? You know, you can never get a break in the press,

but that's just how it is. That's just how it is. But all I know is that Brad Marchionne and the Boston Bruins have moved on to the Eastern Carp from Spinals and that fucking reporter has not. So I'm just going to hoist the trophy this year to stand in the cup and they're going to skate around with him.

I can tell you one person who isn't, that fucking guy and me. So why don't you shut the fuck up with your little snarky, he didn't, if he just asked him about the play, he didn't, he goes, hey, did you get your skate sharp? And he sounded like a fucking blue jacket fan. So fuck that guy, fuck his Instagram and all that shit.

Not saying to go on it and trash him. Cause that's, that's even worse. That's even worse than what I'm doing here on the podcast. So being jet lag, I was able to get caught up with some of the MotoGP, although I haven't a problem with their fucking, their website, I guess they haven't uploaded the replay of the race from Spain yet,

but I was able to watch the one from Austin, Texas where Marc Marquez was in turn 12, which I guess is a difficult turn cause you come down from that straightaway and you got to slow go from six gear all the way down to first gear. And I don't know what happened. They kept saying trail breaking.

I'm not a motorcycle guy. I tried to be that guy for fucking two months out here in LA and all I could kept thinking about was the time Richie Cunningham got the motorcycle and Fonzie was telling him not to get it. And then he ended up having a fucking accident. Cause you know what? He was a car guy.

One of the most dangerous things out there if you're riding a motorcycle beyond people texting, all right, is while they're driving is to have a car guy on a motorcycle. And I was able to recognize that myself. So anyways, there was nobody near him and he just fucking wiped out. And he just wiped out

and then couldn't get the bike started. And he got no championship points. So it was huge, obviously for him to get a win here. And I think he's right. I think he's back up by one. Cause DeVizioso had a, oh no, I'm confusing racist. DeVizioso had a great start in the, the Austin one.

And they did a little boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And the fucking first turn and then that was it for him the whole fucking day. I still don't understand why, how I do like it. I think what makes motorcycle racing interesting to me is like, just how certain bikes are just, why are certain bikes better in the corners and other bikes are better on the straightaway?

Is it simply the way that they have them set up? Or is it literally, hey, we're just making a better fucking engine for this thing? Is it how I always hear like, how I've missed the glory days of formula one cause now the cars are too evenly matched. And it's all about racing to the first turn whoever gets to the first turn

and then the ones who win the fucking thing, that seems to be what happens in formula one. But I was not able to watch the last F1 race, which I'm gonna watch here now at like four in the morning when I finished this podcast. And I believe Lewis Hamilton is just, I think he won that one again. I mean, I don't know if this,

it's literally just like which Mercedes driver is gonna win it this year. Or more accurately, does Valtteri Bottas have a run in him to stop the inevitable? So I'm gonna go upstairs. I'm gonna fucking watch that when I get done. Recording this thing, had to go downstairs into the LA version of a basement and record this thing

cause I don't wanna wake up my lovely daughter who I had not seen in fucking eight days crush me, right? And I came home and she woke up early or whatever. And I was psyched cause I was up and I went in there to get her up and I was waiting to see her beautiful face light up that, oh my God, I'm seeing daddy, right? I came in and she had a big smile on her face.

And the first thing she said to me was, I want mama. So I just left, got her up, changed her and all that type of stuff. And then it's unreal. I hate being away like that. But I did bring everybody to Iceland and we had an amazing week there. So I mean, and you know what?

This is how I keep the lights on. So I do have to go out and go to work. Plumber has to go out and fix the fucking sinks. And I have to go out and go tell my jokes. I will tell you though, just being away a week, she got even taller and now she can like put her to a pajama top on herself all by herself. She can move her arm around and get through the sleeve.

And it's just like, Jesus Christ, go away for a week. They grow by leaps and bounds. So anyway, I got her out of bed and you know, I was stiff as hell from being on the plane. So I, so she goes, let's go see mama. And I said, all right, well, hang on a second. I got to stretch first. So what's hilarious is when I do my stretches,

she does them with me and then she imitates the noises that I make. So like I did like the forward bend, you know, to start yoga, you know, you grab your elbows or whatever, do a forward bend and I, you know, when I got past basically a certain level, I was like, ah, and then she does hers. And she goes, ah, she just imitates, she laughs.

She thinks I'm being funny rather than just being old. So she comes into the bedroom now and she takes the foam roller and she puts it down and she sits down on it and how the, her height, it's like a little chair and she sits down on it. She's going, ah, ah, thinking that like, that's what you're supposed to do, whether it hurts or not.

She's the best and I'm home for a little bit before I have an acting gig that shoots this entire summer. I don't know. I think they already, they already put some stuff out about it. It's a, I usually tell jokes and shit about the shit that I'm in, but I'm actually in a Pete Davidson movie vehicle that Judd Apatow and all those guys.

So I'm very excited to be in this thing. And I got to eat perfectly here for the next few weeks, be in the right kind of shape. You know what's great though is when you are my age it's acceptable to be in a certain level of shape. You know, he's 50. I'm going to turn 51 on this fucking shoot. Anyways, by the way, it's Mother's Day.

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I did a show in Tel Aviv. I actually recorded the show. Hopefully it didn't take the audio straight from the board. I don't know if it's been mic'd up, but I just wanted to have, I just had a feeling I was going to have, it was just going to be one of those, sometimes you just, you just, you just feel it, you know?

Not saying that the others ones weren't. I think the last time I talked to you, I'd just done Helsinki, which was amazing. Oslo was crazy, fucking crazy show. I had close to six or 7,000 people show up. And then we went to, we went to us, podcast is going to go a little long. Then we went to Amsterdam.

And that was like 3,500 people. Couldn't believe that many fucking people showed up. Other side of the world, just to hear my fucking shit and dick jokes was amazing. And we went out in Oslo, went out and I smoked a cigar. My freaking cigar smoking is off the rails. I really got to reel that in.

You know, I feel like in a way that I kind of replaced the fact that I wasn't drinking, which was hard when I was going through Europe. So all of a sudden I'm fucking eating candy bars and smoking cigarettes. It's fucking craziness. Just because I'm addicted to some sort of buzz at the end of the day.

So once I, I have to fucking get back to what I was doing, which was putting on my PJs and fucking reading a book, which I would have done cause I was, I have like 25 more pages to go in that Beastie Boy book, but it was the hardcover special edition. So it was like sticking a fucking extra laptop in my bag. And I didn't want to check a bag, so I didn't bring it. So I should have brought like this paperback book.

Somebody got me on the Simpsons or something like that and done that instead, but I didn't. So now I have to live with my decisions. So any who, I, let me see, what was that? Oh yeah, so Oslo, we ended up going out when we went Oslo. Oslo, is that how you say it? And they took us out to this, this bar.

It was funny, it was freezing cold out. We walked home and they were going, yeah, just let you know, you know, cause they want to, you want to take a cab or it's just like a six, five, six minute walk. We're like, oh, let's walk. And we get out and it was freezing out. And the guy goes, yeah, just let you know,

this is the bad part of town. Like a lot of people don't like coming down to this part of town. It's like, well, you know, you probably should have said that, you know, five minutes ago when we were deciding how we were going to get home. So then we're walking and it was just like, I don't know. I mean, there was definitely some drunk people there.

Didn't seem too fucking crazy. Granted, I was only in that part of town for five minutes. And who really mugs somebody on a freezing cold night? You know, I always feel like people that mug people like, yeah, I'm going to fucking stay in tonight. You know, put on my PJs and read a book. I'm not a mug people better, you know, mugging for dummies, whatever the fuck they would read.

Then I went to, I went to Amsterdam the next day, ate at this amazing fucking egg place that was right down the street. They had a gourmet chicken sandwich, one of those places I ordered it and they're like, I'm sorry, we sold, we were sold out of that sandwich. You're like, oh, this is one of these, places, right?

It was delicious. If you're going to Amsterdam, send me an email and I'll let you know what the fuck it is. Cause I don't have the information with me right now. I'm sure you can just find it on fucking. If you just Google it, God knows that's how I found it. And then I went to, we went out to, I forget the name of the place.

There was just some bar where you could just go in and you could just order weed and smoke some weed. And so they had milkshakes too. So I said, all right, fuck it. So me and Bartnick waited in there and I am not a big weed guy and I'm still not. And I don't know, this was just body high shit. So I smoked it and I was just like, I'm not high.

I don't feel high right now. And I think it was cause it was a body high. Cause the next day I woke up and I definitely felt like, you know, something happened. So I don't know, I don't know if I, I guess I was, I don't know, all I know is I enjoyed this shit out of that fucking milkshake. And it also took me like, I asked for a vanilla milkshake

and then the woman showed up and she goes, when she brought the orders, like, did you ask for vanilla or strawberry? I can't remember. It's like, yeah, because everybody's smoking weed in here. And I was, and I looked at it and it looked like a vanilla shake cause it was all white. So I said, I go, yeah, no, that's, that's vanilla.

And it wasn't till I was like three quarters of the way through that I kind of got to the clump of the ice of it, the clump of the milkshake, you know, it's all stuck together. That's, I guess, where all the strawberries were. I don't know. I don't know, but that was sort of interesting. I gotta be honest with you, though, dude, I just,

I'm not into it. Just not into weed. I'm just like, I don't know. I just, I don't like sitting around like, hey man, like I'm just like fucking chilling here, man. I'm just not fucking not. I would rather smoke a cigar and then just sit there. Just an obnoxious thing to do.

I will tell you though, if you are a single person, you know, and you got a little bit of fucking time off, I mean, that part of the world is a great place to go. Norway and Finland, the women, which is fucking gorgeous, ridiculous. And they just have like regular jobs cause there's so many of them, you know? You literally order a room service.

You're looking at this woman. It's like, you would be reading the national news in my country. I mean, I'd say they're all like that, but Jesus Christ, man, it was, you know, I don't, I feel like a troll when I'm walking around over there. So then lastly, but loosely,

we did our show in Tel Aviv and man, I just had this feeling. I was like, I just got a feeling that show is going to be one of those shows. And it was, it was like, I feel like the last three shows, Norway, Amsterdam, and then something happened when I was in Helsinki, where I was just like,

all right, just whatever, just do what you always do. Whatever joke you think and just do that one next. Cause I was really doing this rigorous, like I must dump my last hour of material and I must do all of these new bits that I have. And the new bits are working. I wouldn't, I wouldn't be doing them cause people paid money to see me,

but there was no flow to them. It was kind of like the Celtics this year. I have all these fucking ideas, but it was just like the, you know, the transitions were a little awkward. And I said, I have fucked this. I'm just going to just do my shit. And it just kind of came to a peak

when I went to Tel Aviv. And it just could not have been a better fucking crowd. And I, you know, found out when I was over there that like 10% of their population doesn't even fucking pay taxes. And from what I can understand, it was the Jewish people who dress up like, like the sort of the pilgrim look

without the buckle on the front and the curly Q hair on the side. I don't know if it's every one of them, but it was just like, dude, what the fuck, especially in Israel, you can't kick in for a little bit of something to defend your people. That's just, you know, I don't get that at all.

Cause God knows there's people in my country doing the same fucking thing, making billions and billions and millions of fucking dollars and they don't pay any fucking taxes. And then nobody goes after them. And then when the bill comes in, oh, it's a little higher. No, we got to tax the people that are already,

the honest people already paying taxes. We got to tax them more. And what kills me is people who make less money are like, yeah, that's the solution. Nobody goes, oh, we got to go after these fucking free-loading cuts. So anyways, I made fun of that. Came right out, opened with that.

So I was just like, all right, I got to see, you know, where, where, where these people are at. I did a Hitler joke that also killed. And I was like, all right, these fucking people are cool. And we just, I just had like the best fucking time. And afterwards I met like, I think just about every comedian in Israel. We did a group photo.

We were having a great time and this woman kept saying, all right, all right, get out, leave him alone. Leave him alone. And I said, they're not bothering me. And then she goes, yes, they are. She's like, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you're more in touch with, I should have put my foot down. I've spent like, lady, lady, they're not,

they're not, relax, relax. Okay, they're not bothering, I'm not just being nice. I like meeting comedians. So anyway, I met them. And then when I walked outside, there was all these people hanging out. And, you know, I took all these pictures. I met some guy from Turkey, came down from Turkey

just to see my act, which was so flattering. There was another woman there who was like, I don't know, like it looked like, you know, seven, eight months pregnant, you know, took time to come out to the show. It was just one of those nights. And afterwards, me, Bartnick and club soda Kenny, like we didn't want the night to end. So we'd already smoked like two of the best cigars

I've ever had. There was this, right next to my hotel, there was like this little like bodega that sold everything from fucking M&Ms and ice cream. And beer and wine to fucking, and they had Cuban cigars. And I don't know what that little humidor system was, but they, the draw on them was incredible. So the first day we smoked a,

I can't remember we talked about this because I know I recorded the afternoon of the show. The first one we smoked was a, it was a cojiba rebusto. And then the next day it was, I don't know if you say, part of guess a partagus, we smoked the series D, which is their version, I think of a rebusto. And there was two of the best fucking cigars.

And we just was sitting there right on a jaffa beach, sitting on a park bench, watching people go by. And you know, there was a church, what do they call it? They don't call it, is it a synagogue? A temple. Some dude would just, I don't know, on the hour or whatever,

would start singing in fucking, is it Hebrew? You just be sitting there, right? Like you weren't getting enough for the fucking vibe of Israel. All of a sudden this guy would just, yeah, I was just like, I can't do it. And me and Barney would just look at each other and smile like, dude, we're in fucking Israel.

We just sat there looking at the beautiful mediterranean sea, smoking this cigar, so that later on that night, what do you want to do? Is like, Bill, you want to smoke another cigar? It's like, dude, I can't, I can't. I've already broke my rule of not smoking a cigar before a show and I did that.

Fucking throat is on fire here. So I went to that bodega and I just got a little thing of ice cream. Fucking hilarious. Three big meat heads walking down the beach, eating ice cream at like fucking 1030 at night. And just sat there, just went over the whole tour in our heads, just talking about,

you know, just how much fun we had and what a fucking experience it was. We went all the way back to like, dude, remember when we were in Reykjavik, Iceland, meeting all those comedians and going up there and that one Icelandic comedian with the crazy laugh? He had this laugh like, how the fuck was, I can't remember, it was just like,

this crazy fucking laugh. And he went on stage and he was funny as hell and listening to them talking about the secret seller and their whole comedy thing and then we were off. Copenhagen, Stockholm, Finland, and then the rest of the ones I just talked about. It just was just really one of those fucking tours. And I gotta be honest with you,

I'm starting to think like, I like traveling internationally to do standup. Like I don't have to deal with, like I do stand up now in the States and it's just like, what do you get off stage like? What the fuck did I say? And what's gonna be taken seriously that I'd go too far on that one?

Is that gonna be some sort of fucking issue? And I don't know, it's probably why I went so over the top on my latest special coming out. And also why I love the new Nick DiPallo special that's out. And I don't agree with everything that the guy says, but just the fact that someone can get out there and just fucking say what they're thinking anyways. And I know there's gonna be a bunch of people on the lab

who are gonna be like, again, again, again, again. It's like, you tell me the difference between that fucking special that far to the right and some of these other specials that far to the left. You know, that you get to the point where there's just people just on stage saying liberal agenda. There's no laughing people, it's just a pause break. The younger comics, funny as hell,

they told me they call it those comics, they go on stage and they get claptor. Nobody's fucking laughing. So this is the answer to that. And it's like, if you don't want somebody going that hard on the other side, then you, you know, it's gotten fucking crazy. Like people need to sort of meet in the middle

and listen to each other and respect the fact that we're all fucking living here and that people have different views on things rather than just being like, which I'll never, never in my life that I ever think that I would see the left get to the fucking point where it's just like, say what we say, think what we think. And if you don't, we're going to destroy your fucking career.

I was actually reading, you know, cause I, you know, just watching those old movies and watching Joan Crawford and Betty Davis, you know, then you start looking them up and then they'll, they'll show like Lauren Bacall and all these great Ingrid Bergman and all these great actresses from back in the day. And I think it was, Lauren Bacall had a thing

saying how she was liberal and saying, being a liberal is the greatest thing that, this isn't like the 1940s or 50s. Being a liberal is the greatest thing that you can be. It makes you open-minded and accepting of others. And just, and I was, I was just shaking my head going, yeah, that's what it used to be. I don't know, I don't think it was always that

because I always do think that, I don't think that, I don't know, back when I was growing up, I mean, politicians have always been filthy, but like they had like that, that they kind of enjoyed the back and forth. It wasn't as nasty as it is now, but, but whatever. You just listen to a guy who doesn't even fucking watch the news and miss most of the sporting events.

But tonight, I got a little bit of rehearsal for that film. I'm gonna start the game a little bit late, but Go Bruins, as always, and I'm looking forward to another great series. Congratulations to the Columbus Blue Jackets on a phenomenal season. Congratulations to the Milwaukee Bucks, moving on. I'm gonna enjoy watching you guys.

I think I'm gonna, maybe I'll root for the Bucks. I don't know. I saw Durant, thank God Durant didn't blow out his Achilles, that's like the fucking worst for a basketball, or any athlete. So it's just a calf strain. So I should maybe watch the rest of that series. God knows I got nothing to do,

and I'm really tempted to fill up all my free time with going out and flying a fucking helicopter, but I've learned that that adds stress and drains me when I fill up all everything in my life, and then I fucking start getting upset, and then people suffer. So I gotta stop fucking doing that shit. So I think I'll only fly like twice instead of four times.

Whatever, I am wired the way I'm wired. I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam on Monday, the last show at the, Jesus Christ, what's the name of the fucking venue? At the Roxy. Monday, May 13th at 9 p.m., and I gotta get this song together. I'm playing a song that's just, wait.

Yeah, May 13th. Yeah, I'm playing a song, as always. I'm always reaching beyond, unless I play like Highway to Hell, and even then, you know, that song is not as easy as you'd think, as far as just playing something that simple and making it sound good.

So I am reaching beyond my ability. So let's see, I'm waiting for this thing to fucking load here. All I can see is the other two names. It says Jeff Ross and Maas. So that's obviously Jabrani. Maas Jabrani, Jeff Ross, myself, Josh Adam Myers, his wonderful band. And this will be the last one at the Roxy Theater.

I think they've actually maybe outgrown it, and they're gonna move on to a bigger venue. So I'm gonna be down there, trying out my new jokes, forcing them down your throats, and then I'm gonna get up and make a fool of myself, playing drums, as always. It's gonna be a great time.

I hope to Rose is gonna be there. I'm not sure if he is. Why won't this fucking thing, tell me who's on the lineup. Oh, there it is. Have they got the name of the fucking promoters on there? Come on, who else is gonna be on this fucking thing? Look at me, look at me.

It's so early in the morning, I can actually do an hour here on the Thursday podcast. All it has is the names of the promoters. Oh man, look at that, Cheeseburger. Jesus, the internet, they just know. They fucking know. That's why they wanna have the cookies everywhere. So they add, we see what he's into,

and that fucking Patriots jacket, I'm not gonna buy it. I feel like if I finally buy that thing when I click the PayPal, the pay for it, my computer's gonna go, ha ha ha ha, we knew you couldn't resist. For those of you who haven't been listening to my podcast, I went on Mitchell and Ness, I love that website. Even though I look like a jerk off

and all of their fucking, all of their fucking stuff just because I'm an old guy here, but I looked up, I was, this is Patriots jacket that I wanted when I was a little kid and I still, I finally found it and who made it, but they discontinued it. It was a cheap jacket anyways. The sleeves look leather,

but I believe there was some sort of vinyl, and then it was supposed to be sort of a wool, it's like a varsity jacket, and the jacket part that fit around like a bulletproof vest, that part of the jacket was supposed to be wool, but it was this pillowy, cheap fucking, the whole thing was a mess.

But I went on Mitchell and Ness first to see if they had done a version of the jacket and they didn't, and I looked at some Patriots jackets and I swear to God, this was like fucking two months ago, 60 days ago, and they won't let up. They won't let up, which means somebody, at least 60 days in, that they just kept showing the ad to, finally clicked and said,

yeah, I'm gonna buy that fucking thing. How hilarious is that? How advertising? All right, that's it. Thank you to everybody who came out to my shows. I'm back here in the US. I'm gonna watch the Bruins tonight, and I think Joe Rogan is out of the ice house.

If I get a fucking second wind, we'll see, we'll see. I might be too fucking tired. I'm not officially on that fucking show, but there's a chance I might drop by. I shouldn't say that because I most likely won't. All right, there's the honest. I most likely won't, but right now, at fucking 4.37 a.m.,

I'm feeling like I could fucking do that too. Take a little cat nap. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Nobody told me, no one had ever come close to you. Nobody want me, nobody want me that you were gone. You were gone, let's fight and fight you down.

And fight you down that you would just run away, run away. Nobody want me, nobody show me what love do. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 9th, 2011. How the hell are you guys? Yeah, that's fucking great. I'm here at the K-Rock Studios this week, a very special,

very special edition of the Monday Morning Podcast because I'm doing this huge comedy tour that Jim Norton put together with stars Jimmy Norton, David Tell, Jim Brewer, and myself, the anti-social network tour, and we are hyping the date May 13th. We're going to be in Washington, DC at Dar Constitution Hall or some shit.

I don't know why. That's Omar laughing in the background. He's going to be doing the actually working the boards. People have always complained about how awful my levels are. You know what I like to do? I like to take the base and turn it all the way down and then just crank up the high ends. Nice.

So it makes people's ears bleed. Absolutely. That's what I go with. So anyways, we're going to be hyping that. This week, Jim Norton's actually going to call in. David Tell is going to call in. Jim Brewer was actually too busy, so whatever. We got two out of three, one of the biggest tours out there.

As I've said before, the Miami heat of comedy tours or possibly the Oceans 11, if seven of them died tragically. And then Ford decided to carry on and do a fucking comedy show. So anyways, we're waiting for Jim Norton to call in at this moment. So let's do what I always do. I'm going to riff. Omar, if I look at you and I look panicked and I'm feeling fucking nuts, we'll riff a little bit.

But until then, just act like I'm not even here. Let's just make this as fucking weird as humanly possible. Really uncomfortable. So anyways, let's see. What is going on? What are we going to start with this week? Why don't we start talking about sports, everybody? The fucking Bruins finished off the goddamn Filthy Flyers,

which made me feel good. And for all Flyer fans out there, I'm not even going to talk shit. I'm not even going to gloat because I was beyond nervous when we were up three games to none because of what happened to us last year. And I was actually praying, not praying. I was kind of hoping on some level

that you guys would win one of the first three games. So even if we lost the series, it wouldn't again be from fucking being up three games to none. So I have to admit, I don't know if you noticed, but when you guys tied up game four at 1-1, did you notice how quiet the fucking garden got? So we were all nervous about that shit.

But that's it, man. Enjoy your golfing. Go fuck yourselves with your little fucking Creamsicle uniforms. It's over. It's fucking over for you once again. And hopefully we won't be right behind you because I'm fucking nervous about playing Tampa Bay

because they got three cunts on that team that can put the biscuit in the basket as they say. And really, I don't fucking know. It's the Bruins, you know what I mean? Every time you get excited and you're like, you know, this might be the year. This could be it. I was speaking of filthy flyers.

What about that bullshit at the end of the game? Was it because we scored two empty net goals that you decided to give Patrice Bergeron a mild concussion? The basic, the Jason kid of our fucking team. Is that what you had to do? I'm really happy that what's his face. Josh Hartnall actually shaved off all that fucking hair that he had.

I really hated that home. Mac Davis looked that he was rocking. And I gotta admit, I didn't even notice him in the series. I think he's like Thor, like he cut off his fucking hair. Who's the guy? If you cut off his fucking hair. Samson? Is it Samson?

Is it Samson? Are you one of those comic book nerds who will get into all this? No, no, no, no, no, fuck no. You asked me anything about comic books. I don't have any clue. Yeah, all these fucking movies. Thor, I mean, how much are you scraping

the bottom of the barrel when you're down to the guy who has a hammer? He's got this fucking hammer and that's all his power. And then fucking his dad throws it down to the earth. Like, I gotta admit, I understand that me being into sports at the level I'm at and the fact that I don't even play is roughly the same thing, I guess. But at least sports is real.

The fuck is wrong with you guys? With your goddamn Thor wallpaper and flash pajamas. How many fucking good movies do they even make with these superhero movies? Honestly, did you guys really like Spider-Man? Were you really into that? Where they gave him a girlfriend with those little teeth? Remember that?

And he's fucking kissing her upside. They turned it into a fucking love story so they could get you to bring you fucking broad down to the movie theater. Spider-Man did not have a not good looking or a mediocre. Whoever the fuck played his wife in those movies, I would not be nervous approaching in a bar and there's something wrong with that,

being a balding redhead, okay? There's something wrong. I should be beyond nervous. But I wasn't. I remember when I saw the fucking movie, I remember thinking, where's the raven-haired, big hip, big titty girlfriend that he had in the comic books and she was nowhere to be found?

Kirsten Dunst, that's what it was, with her little toddler teeth, sitting there smiling at him. She was awful. It looked like a picture you'd see in one of those fairy tales, the fables, be like the girlfriend, I'm being too mean to her. I was gonna say the fucking girlfriend of the troll under the bridge.

Anyways, this is probably odd so they actually have them hearing you laughing in the background. Usually it's just me sort of babbling in the bedroom. Yeah, bring that down just so, because people are on the fucking internet. No matter what they're gonna trash it. The podcast sucked.

What the fuck was that guy giggling in the background for? I'm gonna have to deal with all of that horseshit. So like I said, when I look at you in a moment of panic, like I don't know where the fuck this is gonna be going for the love of God. Bring up your mic and save me. But like I said, we're sitting here, we're waiting for the legendary Jim Norton star

of I was actually looking at his IMDB page and I didn't realize all the shit that this guy's done. He just recently did a spot on board to death. Hit television show I believe on HBO or Showtime. He's a best-selling author. He's got two books, Happy Endings, I Hate Your Guts. He's got a brand new CD out called Despicable, available. Look at me, I'm hyping his shit

before he even gets on the goddamn phone. By the way, when I gave him the phone number to call in, they are gonna, it's gonna light up here, right? The phone numbers are gonna light up. Okay, I'm just making sure. All right, this takes me back to the days I used to do a show back with the teen idol sensation from the opiate Anthony show, Joe DeRosa.

I used to do a show and we used to try to take collars and used to always be a fucking nightmare. So this is actually taking me back. You know, we used to actually do this show called Uninformed that we're trying desperately to bring back. The problem is, is that we live on opposite coasts. I don't know if we can tie in Skype.

We gotta figure out a fucking way to do that. But we used to take collars and because it was a brand new show, we might as well been like on like public access. We'd just go like, hey, we're talking about apple trees. Anybody wanna call in on that? And then we would just have fucking collars call in. Anyway, we're talking about apple trees and you pick it up.

Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself, you fag and then they'd hang up on us. So we stopped taking collars and I learned my lesson. So this week, I'm just gonna have fellow artists, fellow artists call in, but wait a minute. You know, I'm getting sidetracked here. I almost forgot to talk about the fucking Lakers. What the hell was that?

What in God's name was that fucking debacle? That's how you go out. Los Angeles Lakers, you call yourself. What the fuck was magic talking about when you were a classy organization? Since when? I think you showed your true colors. Bunch of goddamn, that's how you send out Phil Jackson,

the fucking red hour back of this era. That's how you send them out by elbowing that little white guy from the YMCA. You see that little spaz coming down the fucking paint. I didn't know he was like maybe an inch taller than I was. He just looks like some guy, you know, who just, you know, those guys, those short guys are the worst whenever you play pickup hoop, you know,

they got their fucking balls right on your leg, just playing ridiculous defense. That was that guy. So there was part of it that I actually thought was mildly funny that he elbowed him. He went beyond the floating rib. He cut that rib that's right in your fucking armpit. But seriously, man, what a fucking horrific way to go out.

You know what's funny? This is how much I hate the goddamn Lakers is I didn't even watch, I didn't even watch a minute of basketball for months. I think the last time I watched the game was when I went to a Memphis Grizzlies Lakers game. I don't watch hoop. I think it's fucking boring as hell.

Pro hoop, everybody gets six fouls. There's 11 guys on each teams. That's 132 fucking fouls. And then once they get in the penalty, the fucking game is decided by unguarded shots from the foul line. It's fucking horrific. It's horrific, but if I see the Lakers

are about ready to fail, that's when I tune in. And I gotta tell you, I was out on Mother's Day. Do you guys have a good Mother's Day, by the way? Anybody out there? Did anybody out there order pro flowers? I haven't heard a fucking word from them. So I'm taking that as a bad sign. I don't know that I sold any bouquets.

Omar, last week I actually had, for the first time I had advertising here on this podcast and I was all excited. Right. And I did sort of my own brand of podcasting, advertising, where you sort of drop hints about serial killers and incest, and possibly you say cunt in the middle of the read.

Right. And I don't think, I don't know that I sold any. It didn't work too well. Well, you know what? I tried to go the fucking every man route. I tried to be, I'll just make this shit conversational. I'll just say it the way I say it. I thought I painted a nice picture.

I was talking about, what did you get for Mother's Day? Just a card. First of all, do you like your mother? She's okay. She's all right. Yeah, she kind of gets on my nerves, you know. It's definitely, I kind of do it just cause I have to.

Type of thing. We don't have a really good relationship. Okay. So you just got her a card. Yeah. When did you get it? Mother's Day Sunday, when did you get it? Friday.

You got it Friday. Right. The pickings were pretty slim, weren't they? Oh, totally. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And that's what I was saying. When did you get in there? The only thing that's left is like the fart joke card.

Or the one that's like mildly incestuous. Right, right, right. Right? That you really over the top love your mom. Yeah. Exactly. That's what I said. That's what I said.

I haven't got any Sony fucking flowers. I haven't heard one goddamn peep from the people over at Pro Flowers. You know what? Fuck that. Fuck them and fuck their fucking flowers. Right? You call me with updates.

I'm too insecure. I can't deal with the silence. You know what's funny? That I sold a bunch of them and now I just told them to go fuck themselves. It's inevitable. You know what I'm doing? I'm just going to do this park.

I want advertising on the same but I'm going to continue to do it the way I do it. And when people finally, you know, there'll be products that fit into saying cunts in the middle of it. Right? Absolutely. All right.

So anyways, the fucking Lakers. The goddamn Lakers lose. And I had just, it just thrilled me to know when but I got to tell you something. They went out like a bunch of bitches. All right. A bunch of seven foot bitches that I would never say it to their fucking faces.

But I'm saying it right now in the safety of this soundproof room. What the fuck? Who the fuck told that guy to take his goddamn shirt off? And he wasn't even in shape. Andrew Bynum, maybe you didn't blow out your ankle every time you crossed your fucking legs. You could do a goddamn sit-up.

How dare you? How dare you do something like that with a man who's got 11 champion chips? I don't know. You know what fucking kills me is like hopefully that Phil Jackson's gonna retire because he has the ability to coach a team with a bunch of stars, much like a Joe Tory.

And I'm really hoping that motherfucker is gonna quit. You know, go fucking stare at his navel and do all that Zen shit as he takes X to C or whatever the fuck it is he does. Just get out of the league. I didn't give a fuck if you get back on the league. Go join the heat. I don't give a fuck.

Just get away from the Lakers. Right? But this is what killing me. I'm hearing rumors that the Lakers are gonna get Dwight Howard. You know, because he wants to come out here and be a fucking movie star. And I was just joking about that on Kevin and being like,

one of these basketball players is gonna realize that they don't have a shot at being a fucking movie star because they're too goddamn tall. You know, don't you see how ridiculous you look in street clothes? Have you ever seen a professional basketball player off the court, like standing in a bar? They're fucking, they gotta duck every three seconds

so they don't get hit by a ceiling fan. They're freaks. They're absolute fucking freaks. You think you're gonna sit there and be like a love interest? Maybe if they remake Conan the Barbarian and you wanna sit on the back of a fucking Clydesdale and your feet are still dragging on the ground, we could stick you in that.

It's just pissing me off that Dwight Howard's gonna, he's gonna come out here and Kobe might get another fucking rink. He, that guy has no moves, right? Do you realize the amount of people who could kick the living shit out of me that I've already trashed? Why don't I trash somebody who can't do anything?

How about Osama bin Laden, everybody? Huh? There's one motherfucker who won't be knocking on any cave doors anymore? You know, it blows in my mind as I am totally into conspiracy theory, but the conspiracy theory that people have that he was already dead or even better

that he's still fucking alive actually made me laugh. You know, paranoid, fellow paranoid psychos out there. If Osama bin Laden was still alive, right? And you're hanging out with them and America is sitting here gloating, having one of their first truly proud days. I feel since September 11th, because that shit's just been hanging over this country.

Wouldn't you just make a video with Osama holding the fucking Pakistani Gazette for that day? Maybe you guys go over to the water park. Are you allowed to do that in that part of the world? Do they have the six flags infiltrated there yet? The fucking infidels, have we given you a theme park? You know, did we come up with some sort of Arab

fucking Mickey Mouse that we could sell to you? Maybe stick a fucking Starbucks right next to it. You know, wouldn't you just do that, make the video and be like, I'm still alive, go fuck yourself, America. And then Obama would look like an asshole. And then he would be fucked for 2012 for saying that Osama was dead. Or if he died years before,

why wouldn't you just release that video? I don't get it. Even I'm not that fucking paranoid. I think it's a great thing. And all you fucking losers out there who are trying to be all fucking deep going like, man, what's everybody cheering about, about the killing of a fellow human being?

Because he fucking killed 3,000 people, you asshole. You know, I love these fucking idiots who are trying to be like all fucking deep as they're sitting there going like, oh, well, you know, we got mad at them when they cheered when the fucking towers went down. And now here we are cheering when Osama gets killed. It's like, well, here's the difference.

All right, Osama bin Laden actually is a fucking mass murderer who created 9-Eleven. All right, so that's who we killed. We didn't just fucking kill a whole bunch of fucking innocent people and started cheering. Isn't that the difference? Ah, go fuck yourselves. Okay, you got a rabbit dog in your neighborhood.

You fucking put it down. Okay, do you think, and I don't like how this guy's being made out by some people. Osama bin Laden, like he's some sort of a fucking rebel. He wasn't. He was a goddamn psychopath. And if he was running the world, would you want, I don't think I'd want to be a chick, right?

I wouldn't want to be not only not part of his religion, but practicing the religion the way he feels in a different way than he feels you should. The guy was a fucking maniac, all right? I thought he was a rebel. He should be living in a cage, not sitting in a fucking mansion. Guys got a bigger house than I do.

Fuck him, he was a rich kid. He was rebelling against his dad. You got two beans to the cabbage and they threw him in a lake. I love it. You know? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, it's funny, I got it.

Oh shit, saved by the bell. Saved by the bell. I think this might be Jim Norton. You gotta pick up. He's picking up the phone. He's picking up the phone. That's my wife. It's your wife?

Yeah, that's my wife. Ah, Jesus Christ. Sorry, dude. Hey guys, I'm in a minute. You know what? Sorry, this is not very professional. No, no, it's all right. Yeah, why the fuck did it, you know what?

You know what? What a loser I am. I didn't even realize at that moment it wasn't professional. Sorry about that. Jesus Christ. I was all excited. You know what Jim was supposed to be on?

Like 15 minutes ago. I got a feeling it ain't gonna happen. Busy man like him. Do you have his number? Busy man like him. Yeah, I do, but I'm not gonna bug him. He knows he's supposed to call in, but I mean, I don't know if he's wrapping up.

I don't even fucking time it is over there. You know what's gonna be fucked? You know what might be the comedy of this fucking episode is that I came down to this studio and then nobody calls in. It's good. No, absolutely nobody calls in. Jesus Christ.

What do I do here? Do I hit pause on the recording and then call my publicist? Is this what I have to do? Any port in a storm? Huh, what do you think? Yeah, we could do that. All right, fucking hit pause for half a second.

Sorry, but this isn't even gonna be a pause in your guys world. This is just gonna fucking flow. All right, hit pause. All right, we're back. Is that, that thing's not moving over there. The old EKG monitor. That's working.

Are we back? Yeah. Oh, I see, all right. Well, we're back and I don't know what the fuck happened. All I know is David Tell is supposed to be our next guest. Oh, fuck me. Do you guys realize the level of high hopes that I had for this fucking podcast?

I was actually in a real studio. I actually got a real professional here to work the goddamn board. The levels are gonna be great. I was gonna have people calling in. Last week, I had advertising. I mean, it was all good. What could go wrong?

You know what it's like? Anybody see that mark, that 30 for 30 Marcus Dupri story? I couldn't even get through it. This guy's like one of the greatest running backs that never made the pros. He actually finally got to the pros. He played a few games with the Rams or some shit, but I wanted to feel bad for the guy,

but he was such a dope and he was surrounded by a bunch of dopes that I couldn't feel bad for him. I just had to shut it off. It was just, and then I got another opportunity. I wasn't in good shape as I could have been, but, and it's just like, all right, go fuck yourself. You know, I'm weird, man. I am like a total fucking liberal,

and I adjusted my liberal thought. Well, you know, I will definitely listen to somebody else's side of the argument, but if you're not fucking working to dig yourself out of a fucking hole, then, you know, bury yourself. I don't give a shit. I'm not gonna still sit there.

Who's that chick with the big head from all in the family? She's always standing next to people who need a sandwich. Right? I don't give a fuck at that point, you know? That didn't even make sense. You know what I was really trying to say? It's like, yeah, it's like, I had a buddy of mine just fucking his whole life became about weed,

and he just was smoking it all the fucking time. He was getting high at work, getting fucking flunking drug tests. Then he starts calling me up. Hey, man, can you give me some money, man? It's like, no, go fuck yourself. So you can do what? Go buy a bag and pay your rent, your cunt.

You know, if you're in a hole and you're reaching up out of it, go and help me out, I'll reach down and pull you out. But when you're face down, digging it deeper, asking me to throw money into it, go fuck yourself. Have I said go fuck yourself enough in the last couple of minutes? All right, you know, I'm just gonna plow ahead

with this podcast and just do it how I normally do it. I'm just gonna fucking riff for the rest of the hour. And you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna let go of hoping that somebody calls in one of the stars of this tour that is gonna be at the Dar Constitution Hall in Washington, DC, stars Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, David Tell and myself.

And I am beyond fucking excited to play this gig. May 13th, this weekend, Friday 13th, that's what I'm supposed to be hyping here. If I could actually just somehow stop my brain from jumping from subject to subject. That's the mission of this fucking podcast, is to hype that date. But actually that venue,

that's where Eddie Murphy taped Delirious. That's where Chris Rock taped one of his specials. I don't think it was Bring the Pain, but it's still Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence taped there. So as a standup comedy fan slash geek slash comedian, I am beyond excited to be there. And I'm hoping that someone's gonna call in from the tour on this show.

I don't know if it's gonna happen though. You know? It's like it's after the all-star break, we just lost seven games in a row and that last playoff spot is really getting distant. I'm starting to let go, I'm fucking letting go of it. Fuck it, no one's calling in. At least it'll sound good, right people?

It'll sound nice, you know? Anyways, you know what I was talking about earlier? And this is what's really fascinating because I'm trying to get myself back into shape. I've dropped like 10 pounds and I'm trying to hold it off. Fucking actually eating salads, can you believe that shit? What are you a fucking queer?

Yes, I'm eating salads, some salad eating fag. And you gotta do it. This is the thing, this is what I've learned and I might have stated this before, but this is the fucking thing about being a guy. Women always bitch about how when they put weight on, they put it on in their ass and their thighs. Okay, which as bad as that must be, you know?

Feeling like you're dragging a tugboat down the fucking street. You know, as your kids are sitting there with cereal in their hair, that's gotta suck. But at least with the female form, you know, gives you guys something to fucking hold onto, something to slap, you know? When he's banging you from behind, acting like you're somebody else,

pushing your face into the pillow, you know? With guys, we put our fucking weight on, it all goes to our goddamn head. I don't know what it is and it is crucial. As a man in your 30s and 40s, you gotta do cardio, man, or else you're gonna get that big fucking Ted Kennedy head. And I was starting to get it. And there's a few people out there that are really,

you know, like when they do those, for those of you who live in the Midwest or possibly Tampa, you know, when they do those before and after photos of what it's like when you're on meth, you know, and the one on the left, you always look like some angelic kid who's like student class president.

And then the next one, you look like you're in a fucking zombie movie. They had to do that about guys with like gaining fucking weight. And the first billboard that they should use, and I hate to out somebody, I hate naming names in the podcast, but fucking Ingve Malstein.

Is that how you say his goddamn name? I am a child of the 80s. And this guy was like, you know, the 80s was all about how fucking fast you could play the goddamn guitar. And this guy actually blew past Steve Vai. That's how fucking fast he played. And, you know, I don't know what happened to the guy.

His fucking head is just, there's a monitor. I wish you guys could see the fucking, that's not, remember the old TV you had when you got a 27 inch screen TV before flat screens came out? You remember that shit? And you thought you were the shit and you could actually host a Super Bowl party

because you got that thing? That's what his head looks like. Looks like one of the old style fucking TVs just sitting on there. And this is the thing. He still teases his hair up to the fucking moon. He wears leather pants. He's an absolute fuck, he's a mess.

So there's two things I think you gotta do as a guy. Is one, you gotta do the card. You gotta lay off the booze. I think I'm actually gonna come full circle and start advocating smoking weed. As long as you don't get the munchies. Get that prescription, if you can do it. You get that weed, smoke that weed

that doesn't give you the munchies, then you can get buzzed a little bit. But then you don't chow and then I don't know, maybe you cannot fucking end up like these guys. You don't wanna be that guy going back to your high school reunion. Just bursting out of your button down shirt, you know? That big fucking, I own a yacht head, you know?

It's just bumping into shit, head getting hit by ceiling fans. I just don't wanna fucking be that guy. But we're gonna have pictures up on the mmpodcast.com. Is that thing blinking? No. Oh, I thought I started blinking. I was really praying.

It'll be. Jesus, I didn't even prepare for this podcast. We know what I realized. I actually have people asking me for advice. Let's read a couple of things, everybody. Considering this whole thing is just going down the absolute shit, ah! We got somebody.

Oh fuck, we got a caller. Hello? Hello, David Tell. Yeah, hey, what's up man? Hey, gee, well I'm psyched you actually called. Jim Norton never called it. I felt like I was hosting like a telethon on basic cable.

Go and keep those calls coming in and there was like three operators behind me just clearly not on the phone. What's that? Oh, Jesus. Bad cell signal. Yeah, is there any way, can you call us back? Sure.

Oh, wait, wait, I can hear you now. I can hear you now, Dave. Okay. All right, Dave, you are calling in because we are playing the Dark Constitution Hall May 13th, this Friday the 13th, the anti-social tour starring Jim Brewer, David Tell, Jim Norton and myself.

And I want to thank you for calling in the show. You're the only member of the tour that actually took time out to call in. Yeah, it's going in and out, but I wanted to say, I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm calling because I love the show and I think it's gonna be a great run at the, at the, in DC.

Yeah, I got a, yeah, I can hear you. I hope you can hear me. Dude, I swear to God, I'm at K-Rock Studios. I'm not doing this for my fucking bedroom. This is the whole purpose. I know I can't believe this. This is the whole purpose, Dave, of me getting out of my apartment

and doing this shit this way so it would actually sound professional. So when I had one of the fucking best comics out there, call in, I could actually hear them. It's been a clusterfuck, Dave. It's been an absolute clusterfuck. Anyway, I called in last night at 2.20 in the morning and they had no idea who I was, why.

That was my fault. I should have said 2.20 in the afternoon. I'll just talk, it doesn't matter. I just... Oh, God, are we losing them? Yeah, why don't they call back? Yeah, you know what? Dave, yeah, fucking.

Yeah, Jesus Christ, what a fucking clusterfuck. You know, I could have done this shit. I could have done this shit from my fucking house. I could have already had this done. I could have already uploaded this shit and I could be going to the airport right now. I don't know if I told you this. Omar, I'm actually, I'm doing another episode of Glee.

This is my second episode. Wait, you were on Glee before? Yeah, it hasn't come out yet. Oh, okay. But I'm doing another one. We actually got to go to New Mexico. We're doing like this, this send up a Pee Wee Herman's Mexican hat dance.

Oh, wow. So I got to fly out to New Mexico to go do this shit and they wanted me to fly out earlier. There we go. This is gonna be Dave again. Is that him? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, can you do me a favor

and I can't pass this through the board? Can you believe this? Can you guys believe the level of unprofessionalism that's fucking going on right now? We're not editing out any of this shit. This is fucking horrific. Who was that? That was Dave.

Dave, so he's gonna be calling back. He's coming back. You know something? I always thought it was odd that I do these by myself and now I don't. Now I am totally fucking sold on this. Dave, what's going on, man? How is this?

Is this better for everybody? This is great. Let's see, dude, fuck all this. Let's just get into, everybody knows we're gonna be at Constitution Hall this Friday the 13th, the Anti-Social Network Tour, Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, David Tall and myself.

Four comics for the price of one in the middle of a recession. I don't know why the fuck you wouldn't buy this ticket. But having said all that, Dave, if I could just get it off of this fucking subject, I saw a bunch of shit this morning where people are coming back around saying that America shouldn't be cheering with Sama's death because it's a death

of a fellow fucking human being on some level and I'm about as liberal as they come. And what do you think about that? Shouldn't be cheering. Yeah, like people are going, somebody died, doesn't it seem weird to be cheering about the death of somebody? Well, I like, first of all, I think we should be cheering.

And the fact that we got those kids off of Facebook and out on the streets, doing backflips and throwing a beach bowl around instead of a human head, which is how they would have done it in the Middle East. There you go. That's right. They would have had a nice little game of head soccer. And no, I think we earned it, which we call it,

living in New York City, it's nice to see cheering that doesn't involve some kind of parade, like whether it be of the Latino variety or the Halloween parade. Puerto Rico Day Parade, which is always fun for women. Not for everyone. But the fun thing about it, Bill, is that as we're getting more information about him,

he's becoming less like evil and just more normal and sad like the rest of us. Like he lived in two rooms with three women and he spent most of his time on the computer, you know? He was just like looking at TV, dying his beard. I gotta admit, I was a little jealous that he had probably a bigger apartment than I. He was living in a fucking mansion.

I gotta tell you, Dave, I do have to give the guy props as far as how long it took us to find us because I gotta ask you this, if an entire nation was looking for you, like how long do you think it would take him to get you? About 10 minutes. Yeah, 10 minutes. This guy, for his little infrastructure,

jumping from cave to cave. I mean, you know, 10 years. That's almost as amazing as how long magic has lived with HIV. Exactly. Yeah, I guess you could put it in there. There was a good comparison there. But I think Pakistan did let us down,

but they are our best friend and, you know, much like any friend, you give them a lot of money and they tell you what you wanna hear and, you know, while they're fucking you over, so I really can't see why everyone's so surprised about it, but I think we should slam them a bit. Here's my idea, you ready? Yeah.

They have to come in last at the parade of the Olympics. They have to wait for all the other countries. Peru, Paraguay, Pakistan. No, I'm sorry. No, you have to wait. They're after him, Zimbabwe. Yeah, it's no more alphabetical. It's by order of country who is helping us on the war on terror.

And they can come in and Germany will be like, we went through this, you know, they'll get over it. Eventually, you know, they'll be known for your world-trans music and, you know, my curious porn. But that's just how it is. So, yeah, I'm a little upset with Pakistan, but I think it was a great win.

And I like how they had to describe to people what the Navy SEALs are. I guess any, who are they describing it to? Because every guy in their life wanted to be a Navy SEAL at one point, like, you know what? I'm gonna be a Navy SEAL. Oh, wait, that involves a lot of swimming outside of a pool. Yeah, and you gotta have abs.

Right there I was out. I for some reason thought that when I was a kid, I didn't realize that they did shit on land. I thought they were like the real-life Aquaman. Like, if there was a bad ship, they'd come over the side with a knife in their mouth. Well, it's land, sea, and air, Bill. So, you know, if he had like,

let's say put on like a jet pack, they would have followed him into the clouds and killed him. Yeah, I like to have fucking people are trying to like, are we gonna see the identity of the people that whacked them? I mean, just like, why would you think that, you know, did we ever see the identity of those other two guys in the shrubs who shot Kennedy?

They always give you the one guy. They'll give you like- I know I will eventually meet these guys because I play a lot of the funny bones and improv and bounce near where they live. And any dude who was in the military will be coming up to me like, you know, I was a doodoo shot of men.

Yeah, that was me. That was me, you know, try to keep it on the down low. Can I have a free DVD there, Mr. Atel? Speaking of which, do you have anything, anything you wanna hype as far as, oh, I know, wait a minute. You know what, David Atel actually, is it okay to announce your upcoming TV show? No, but I would say that, yeah,

I'm working on a project and Bill, you were very cool and you got to take a look a little bit. I didn't involve, it's a little dirtier, but I think it's gonna be fun and that should come out sometime in the summer. I did a show with Bill where we look watch porn. So, you know, we have- Believe it or not, it's not only is it hilarious,

but the way they did it, because I was worried some of the stuff that we were watching, I was wondering how you guys were gonna pull that off and get that on air, and I'm not gonna give away what they did, but I watched it on the last date we did up in Foxwoods and I thought it was hilarious.

It was actually genius with what you guys were doing because some of that stuff was pretty hardcore and it was actually hilarious to watch and I don't know. I think, I don't know, I don't wanna jinx it, but I think you got a good shot with that one. Knock on wood. Well, thanks for doing it too, man. You were very cool and, you know, it's very hard.

I know you've got like, you do a lot of road. You know, you're doing this tour with me and Norton and Brewer and also you got this podcast and going in. I think it's kind of cool that you're in the studio, you know, and you know, is this kind of like a dream? I guess you kind of like bump up to like regular, you know, like this is like the real deal, man.

I mean, like are you dressed like a radio guy? Oh, absolutely. I have a rock t-shirt on from the 70s. I'm gonna have the wacky guy who makes sound effects and that type of shit. Are you eating a breakfast burrito no matter what time it is? Dave, I gotta put you on hold.

We got the weather guy coming up next. Oh, cool. I'm joking, I'm joking. Totally joking. See, you were so good at it. I was like, oh, I'm so used to that. Like, sure, whatever. That's because I went into my radio guy voice.

That's- Well, now you gotta keep yourself a good radio name. How about like instead of, you know, how about like double B or bang bang or something like that? Yeah, it has to either be an abbreviation or there has to be some of this. My sidekick has to have like an animal name. You know, yeah, you listen to double B

in the gazelle here live on 97.1. We got this next guy coming in and then I'll ask you the worst fucking questions that you've heard a zillion times. Dave, do you get nervous before you go out on stage? Yeah, you know what? I love, I like when people radio guys always ask me about like going on stage

when like I've had radio guys open for me and they look like terrified. Like they've never seen the audience that they talk to every morning. Like, yeah, that's what they look like. That's them. Do you think you were- Yeah, they're always drinking too.

They're always drinking before they go out on stage too, just trying to calm the nerves. It's hilarious. You know, like, you know, I gotta get out of here, man. I gotta wear T-shirt concert across town and then, you know, I'm opening a car dealership tomorrow. Now, they always have like a busier life than me. I'm jealous of that sort of thing.

Well, what I- I think it's gonna be a good show. For those of the people who become the Foxwood and of course, when we were in Atlantic City, this is our first show outside of the casino world. Now, I am against it, but the rest of the guys on the board think that we have the juice to make it happen, so I'm going with these guys.

But I saw it as like a casino act, exclusively, like a sunny and share. You remember, like the Ozmonds, you know, like we tour exclusively from casino to casino. Absolutely. You know, and like conventions and stuff like that. And then, you know, because, you know, you guys still have like a chance,

but I'm kind of an old hack riding an old credit. So, I'd be like, this is perfect for me. You know, like, eventually I'll like work at the casino, you know, it'll be a greeter at the casino, you know. The casinos are like the last roundup before you hit the cruise ships, you know. I always felt casinos when you sign that debt, you know, I will stay here all year round out in Vegas.

That was basically a landlocked cruise ship gig. It was basically a, you had a fear of the ocean, but you've definitely tapped, but you've definitely tapped out from the business. But I have to admit though, every once in a while, like when I'm sick of doing the road, you start thinking, you start lying to yourself basically, that you know what, I think I could do that.

You know, I'll just get myself a nice house and I'll just do the Flamingo every fucking weekend. But I don't think I could hack it. What's that? I'm older than you, so my dream is like, yeah, you know, like once I hit 50, I go to Vegas, I go like buy a house with enough room in the back, so it could be like a shooting range and the ATV course.

Me and my stripper wife, you know, will like, we'll run that during the day at night. I'll do my, my shitty ass show and then, you know, we'll just slowly die of a sun cancer, you know. And that's what it is. Well, you know, I've talked to a lot of people like the security people out there in Vegas, as far as like some of the bigger entertainers.

I'm always fascinated with that stuff. And I think that they are fully aware of how bat shit crazy you go having as a performer, having to work not only a casino, but the same fucking casino, you know, five, six nights out of the week. And I'm fascinated with how little time all the performers like spend out there.

Like someone's trying to tell me, like all of them I heard like George Carlin, when he would do like the two weeks, they would have like a limo waiting, right? Like they would pull up like five minutes or 10 minutes before the show. He would get out, he'd do his hour, say thanks a lot, goodnight.

Before the crowd even put like their jackets on to go back out to the casino floor, he's already in the car, heading back to wherever the hell he's staying. And the best one I heard was Celine Dion evidently gets helicoptered from her fucking house to the top of the casino, does a show, punches herself in the chest a couple of times

to get the notes out. And then she goes right back up and flies back to her fucking house. Yeah, now she has the Navy SEALs, they totally, they fly in and they extract her from the show. Well, maybe one day they'll shoot her in the leg. They shoot her exactly. Well, that girl's available now.

So where are the housewives of a Bob-a-Bot city? I wanna see that show. They got a lot of horror. You know what, I've actually heard that they have even worse plastic surgery than the American ones. That's why they weigh that little veil. Oh, really?

That's the rumor on the internet. All right, well, before I get out of here, Dave, I really appreciate you coming here and eating up some minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're a busy guy and everything. And I gotta tell you guys, I can't, usually when you hype something,

you're over hyping it, you're saying it's better than it is. But I gotta tell you, I've done four shows with these guys and every show I'm standing to the side of the stage watching everybody. This is, you're out of your fucking mind if you don't come out to this thing.

Okay, I'm not talking about myself. These other three guys who are on this tour are absolutely killing it every night. And we're gonna be at the Dark Constitution Hall this Friday, May 13th. Please come down. Tickets are going fast. And how about it for the wonderful David Tell

for calling in the show? Thank you very much, man. You were my first calling. Thanks, Bill. All right, I'll see you there, man. All right, brother, see you Friday. All right, see you. All right, there we go.

Now, if this was a professional show and it had some sort of advertising, I'd be like, then we're gonna be back in five minutes. And I go down the hall, right? Drink a coffee, take a shit, or whatever it is even morning people do. How far into this thing are we? Shit, we're coming up on an hour.

Geez, all right, you know what? I'm just gonna get into the normal bullshit that I do for this week. I'm gonna read some stuff. Omar, do you remember back when you were in elementary school? And they made you read out loud and there was always that kid who was so fucking horrific.

You thought he was like borderline retarded. Oh, absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stammer, stammer every, every, yeah. That's who I am. So if you thought we were gonna get out of here on time, it ain't happening. So fucking put your feet up on the console there because I'm about ready to start reading out loud.

All right, here we go. This is gonna be the advice for this week. For some stupid reason, you guys keep asking me for advice. Hi, Bill, just to give you some background, I'm a 36-year-old Asian woman that was born and raised in the Bay Area. I've been married for six years

and I have a beautiful baby girl. They always start off nice. Everything's great. There's a nice summer breeze blowing up my skirt. The only reason I am telling you this is because I wanted you to know that there are wives, mothers, and Asians that listen to your podcast that think you are funny.

Do I think you're an asshole? Yes, but you're a funny asshole and that's all that matters. This disc check is cool as hell. Don't ever let a few idiots that can't take a joke get you down. All right, so a few podcasts ago, you commented that not very many women were writing in.

I decided that I should start, Jesus Christ, this is exactly how they tell a fucking story. Three minutes before, when do we get to the meat of this shit? Couple of weeks ago, you sounded down and I was watching Oprah and I realized I haven't called my friend from high school. So anyways, I decided I should start pulling my weight

and shoot you an email for advice. I knew, I know that you grew up in a family of all boys. Can you please tell me, what is the best way to deal with a troubled male teenager? One of my friends is a single mom and is worried about her 14 year old son. Oh, Jesus, this is gonna be rough. He used to be a pretty happy kid

but lately he's become very quiet and keeps himself most of the time. My friend doesn't know if anything is really wrong but when she asks for his responses, everything's fine, mom. Everything's fine. All right, close the door. Thank you.

He's not rude and he's not getting into any trouble that she knows of. She's just concerned because he comes home from school and goes straight to his room. She wants to know if everything is okay but is unsure of how to approach the situation. As you know, men don't always love opening up, let alone a teenage boy.

Do you have any suggestions? Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. First thing I would be worried about is, I don't know, is he lovesick or is he being bullied at school? Maybe that's what it is. Did something fucking horrific, something unbelievably humiliating that happened to him

and now there's a fucking YouTube video out there of it with 1.2 fucking million hits. That's one of the worst things about something awful happening to you now as a kid is these fucking asshole other kids. They all have cameras, they film it and your fucking life is over. So I don't know what it is.

I mean, I hope it's not drugs or anything like that but if I was in that situation and the kid wasn't opening up, I try to spend more time with them. You know what I'll compare this to? I was never able to pick up a girl in like a meat market, like in a bar. I was never able to do that shit

because they had the defenses up, they were fucking ready for you to come at them that way and I think when they're sitting in their fucking room, they're just in that mode, you become insun, is everything okay, you know? Plus they gotta hide their weed or whatever's going on there. But I think if you just get them outside of that shit,

I, you know what? I don't know, I'm not a fucking parent but I think at some point I would just address, say, listen, I'm not trying to pry, I'm not trying to be an asshole here but I've just noticed that you seem a little quieter than usual. Did you knock somebody up?

You know, eventually come around to that question. You know what that question, I think it's beyond me. I guess that that's what I would do. I would try to, I don't know, I don't know what the kid's into. If he's into, if he's, what are you, in the Bay Area? He likes the A's or the fucking Giants, buy tickets and then lie and say,

oh, I won these tickets at work so then he won't feel like a douche going with his mom. Take it to the game with the mom, you shoot the shit, you have a good time and eventually, I don't know, you get a couple of beers in them? No, he's 14. I don't fucking know. I think I would just address the fact

that he seems quieter than usual. I would see if he's hanging out with anybody new or different and if they look like John Bender from the fucking breakfast club, I'd be worried that maybe he was dabbling in drugs. I don't know, but that's a weird age. I know that's right when I started feeling like a fucking freak.

Like my elementary school days were good and right around junior high, that went good. High school, high school wears wear kind of went off the rails for me. So he's right about 14. I don't know, maybe he's a freshman and he feels like all these fucking seniors are freaking him out.

I don't know, he just feels like he's gotta start all over again. I have no fucking idea that's beyond me and I'm gonna give you bad advice and then I'm gonna get sued. So sorry, but thank you for writing in. I do appreciate it. All right, Jesus, this might be the worst fucking podcast

I've ever done. You know, with my luck, the people at K-Rock are actually listening to this and they were actually considering giving me a fucking job and now it's over, right? Well, I don't need you. All right, Bill, hey, one of my best friends has been going to church for years.

Oh, Jesus. And previously, it has never bothered me at all. I grew up Catholic and like so many Catholics, I no longer attend church. Gee, why was that? Was it the kid fucking or the money they took from the Nazis in World War II? Anyways, but it doesn't bother me

in the least if someone wants to go. That's how I feel, honestly. A few months ago, my friend started asking me if I would like to go to church with him. Oh, God. I politely declined. That just gave me douche chills. That his fucking arms accidentally graze up

against your hand when he said it. Ugh. Anyways, since then, my friend has told me he feels it's his mission to spread the word of God and continues to ask me to go. And as time passes, he's getting more aggressive with his church sales pitch. What started off with him just slipping it

into casual conversation has now left. How the fuck do you do that? You wanna go to Subway? Yeah, get me the Italian on Italian bread and you know, Jesus evidently. He used to be around Italy. Wasn't he in Italy when he got crucified? So anyways, he casually even slipping us

into the conversation. Now has led to me receiving text messages that say the following. This means more to me than you know. God has poured out love to me and he is reaching out to you also. Ignore if you must, but there is a lot at stake here. To this I replied, honestly, if it's my choice,

I don't wanna go. Please stop asking me about it. I don't know how many more ways I can request that. His, he responded with, I'll hold off, but know this. God loves you and will not quit if I do. Oh my God. This sounds like the first draft of single white female. Here comes my question, Bill.

Why does this fucking piss me off so much? Because it's creepy. Why do these cults, what do these cults do to these people? He is involved with the church that people do joke around about and do call a cult. What would you do if you were me? At this point, I don't even wanna talk to this guy cause these conversations are infuriating me.

There's nothing you can do. You gotta look out for yourself. You gotta cut this guy out of your life. That's it, it's fucking over. He joined a goddamn cult. There's nothing you can do about it. If you try to get him to see the light and not come out and come out of the cult,

you're immediately gonna be whatever, whatever creepy word they use in his cult for the outsiders, you know? You're one of the others and you're just gonna drive him further into the fucking cult, all right? Hopefully he's good with weaponry. And, you know, when the FBI surrounds the compound

and asks them to come out nicely, let me guess, is the guy at the top, does he have long, you know, that they're following who started this cult? Does he have long hair and a beard? You know, if it's a white guy, I think that that's how it usually goes. Is he wearing high-top gym sneakers?

Are they waiting for some sort of flying fucking saucer? Dude, you know what I would do if I was you? I would, and this might actually help him to come around. Just cut him out of your life. Just stop answering his text messages. Don't hang out with them anymore. And when he asks why, I say, dude, cause you're out of your fucking mind.

That's why you're out. Hey, you're fucking mind. There's like 9,000 religions on this planet. And they all say it goes somewhere different. Why do you think, don't even say, why do you think you're right? You're out of your fucking mind. All right?

You die, you go in the ground, you become a fossil fuel with the stegosaurus. That's it. All right? And someday, if you have any, with any fucking luck, you'll get extracted out of the ground and you'll be going right through a fucking carburetor.

You know, helping some asshole get to work. Maybe go over to his girl house, you know? So he can get his first piece of pussy. Other than that, it's all fucking horseshit. All you need is the 10 commandments. If you follow those, if there is some sort of after party, some sort of VIP room at the end of your life,

you're gonna fucking get in. All right? Fuck these people. Cut them out of your life. All right, I think I got time for one more and then I got to get the fuck out of here. Cause like I said, I got to fly to New Mexico

and I'm doing another episode of Glee. And I know you guys think I'm fucking around, but I'm telling you, this is episode number two. And I got it down. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. All right, number three, Bill first can't thank you enough for all the laughs in your weekly podcast.

I just realized I don't have enough time to read this cause there was something I wanted to talk about. I'm gonna close it on this one. Here's a YouTube video you guys have to watch this week. All you gotta do is search Chuck Berry, John Lennon, Memphis. Or you can just go to themmpodcast.com and you see this video and I don't know how to describe this basically what goes on here, speaking of women.

As much as people talk about the Beatles and how great their music is, was, whatever you want to say, I totally agree with them. I think that the greatest band of all time, but I have to be honest with you, John Lennon and Paul McCartney redefined Pussy Whipped. Okay, you remember when Jordan came into the NBA and he just took it 20 years into the fucking future?

This is what these guys did with being Pussy Whipped. People thought they knew what Pussy Whipped was. You have to watch this fucking video. It's John Lennon is singing with Chuck Berry. Chuck Berry is probably one of the main reasons why John Lennon ever picked up a guitar. So now he's on TV, he gets to play with his idol. They're playing Chuck Berry's hit, Memphis.

Okay, John Lennon's got Yoko in his fucking band. They're in the middle of singing this song on television and they're killing it. It's going great and Yoko's playing some stupid fucking drum. And even though she has no fucking talent whatsoever, he's puttin' her in the fucking band, just so she'll shut the fuck up and stop nagging him because he's too much of a fucking pussy

to tell her that she has no talent. All right? The only reason why you're here, Yoko, is because you're sucking my dick. All right? No, you can't play the bongos. But anyway, she's up there playing the bongos, right? So John Lennon, Chuck Berry, two of the greats of all time,

harmonizing, singing this hit from the 1950s. That's what this moment's about. And Yoko in the middle of it, can't handle that she's not getting any shine. She takes the fucking microphone out of the stand, starts playing the bongo. And as they're singing, you know, go, go, Johnny, go, whatever.

She picks up the mic and I swear to God, goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some fucking crazy shit. And you see Chuck Berry's eyes fucking open as wide as they are and it's that fucking look. Dude, do you ever have like a buddy of yours and he's datin' some fucking psycho but he's in love with her so you can't fucking say anything?

And you're just sitting there waiting for the fucking lightning bolt to hit your friend in the head where he finally realizes that he's dating a psycho cunt. Chuck Berry had that look on his face. Dude, I'm not even, I'm not even exaggerating. She said, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what the fuck she did. And Chuck Berry's like, what the fuck? And it's kind of like John, that's your woman,

get her in line. And John Lennon does not even fucking, he doesn't even blink. He just keeps playing and then she does it again later on in that song. And then you look at all the other musicians and they just keep playing the song like Yoko isn't even fucking there.

And I don't know, I thought I was gonna be able to describe it to a level for you to understand it but you gotta watch this video. John Lennon and what's his face? Paul McCartney puttin' that monotone photographer. Not only does he have her playing keyboards, he's got a singing background, I mean, the two of them. I don't, they just did not have their women in line.

And I actually get infuriated when I watched this video, the fact that John didn't just stop playing in that moment. And what he should have done was dressed her down right there. Yes, I find you wanna have a fucking moment, this is your moment. If you have a fucking do that again, I will slap you so fucking hard in the head,

your eyes are gonna look like mine. Do you understand me? You play that fucking bongo and you shut your face. You look like that bitch who crawled out of the fucking well in ring. You understand me? I don't even know why I'm fuckin' you. I could be fuckin' anybody.

You can't play the bongos, you can't sing, shut your fuckin' face. And then he just walks back up to the mic and just counts the band back in. Right? Isn't that what the fuck he should have done? All right, whatever. This thing has been a clusterfuck.

I wanna thank, I wanna thank David Tell for actually calling in. I got one out of the other three guys to call in. Brewer said he couldn't call in. Jim Norton is just phenomenally busy. Plus the guy also put together this tour. So I can't get upset at him. And I'm fuckin' here.

You got half the goddamn tour, right? You got two out of four, just like the Beatles. Paul McCartney and who else is left? Ringo Starr. Wait a minute, the other two are dead. No, not on this tour. They're both alive and then we're gonna be at Constitution Hall Friday the 13th.

I'll might as well hype the other dates. This tour is coming through Chicago. We're gonna meet the Chicago Theater on June 15th. The Paramount Theater in Seattle on July 1st. And then we're gonna be at Vegas. I forget the name of the casino on July 3rd. I'll hype it next week. And next week I believe will be my 200th podcast.

So I'll be eating cake next week. All right, that's the podcast for this week. I hope it made sense. I know it was a little bit of a clusterfuck. But that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something. Oh, little man. You're so spoiled. You're so spoiled. You're so spoiled, little man. You're so spoiled, little man. You're so spoiled, little man. You're so spoiled, little man.

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