Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-24

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Bill rambles about the Bruins, Snoop at the Hollywood Bowl, and Lee Majors. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (34:31) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Mitch Murder - Race Day Hims:  Start your free online visit at www.HIMS.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm checking in on you. How's it going? Oh Billy's fucking old Billy's sick king. Oh Billy bed bugs. Oh Billy springtime cold. Has any scientist figured out why a spring or summer cold isn't as strong as a wintertime cold? Jesus Christ, my fucking lovely wife puts on the heat because I'm sick here. She puts the fucking heat on like I feel like I got malaria now. Can't fucking breathe, man. The walls are closing in. Anyway, get a fucking cold, it sucks. What are you gonna do?

I felt it coming on, I had that big show last week and they had a little after party. And I didn't put my shawl on. I'm literally getting to that age, man. You know those old guys that just sit around with a blanket on their leg even in July they just got that they sit down like their legs are cold it's like we got a fucking walk around they're like yeah I fought in Korea you're like all right you can

sit there sorry it's just trying to help man you know just trying to fucking help man that's all I'm trying to do do what happened to the fucking Bruins I didn't see one second of the game I was so elated with that that game one first of all to Chuck however you find guy I gotta remember how to say that fucking name every year because what happens is I go to read it and then I forget how to say it dude that guy that that first goal he got of this series, just an absolute fucking sniper. Between the legs of our defenseman, top shelf, just inside the post, I was just like, ah fuck, here we go again.

But I'm not a country sports fan. Like I give it up if you got a good player. I fucking love watching that guy play. And what he did last year, you know, was I just wish they won the cup because I feel like that would have gone down with like, you know, Kirk Gibson coming off the bench, hobbling up to the plate and hitting that home run off Dennis Sekersley over there and Chavez Ravine. I would have put that up again, you know, what is it, the next guy with the broken leg,

I mean the guy had a broken sternum and he was still, you know, he had to have his brother dress him and he was still playing professional hockey at the highest level. It was unreal. So anyway, he scores a goal and then all of a sudden the Bruins come back. Offense explodes and we went up winning. It was four to one, then they had the empty netter, five to one. So I'm like, all right, that was fucking huge. And I was texting, even after the second period, they went up one nothing and then we came back and scored three goals, one with like 40 seconds left in the period And we were up three to one

And what buddy of mine who's a Ranger fan who I think they're going to the final the Rangers are just like They got the whole team They can score more goals than you and they can also beat the fuck out of you I mean, then that's that's how it's done As long as I've been fucking watching hockey. If you can score more goals than somebody and beat the fuck out of them, it's over.

Cause no one's stopping your goal scorers. Because if they try and do anything stupid to your goal scorers, some guy's coming off the bench and it's gonna give you what for? He's gonna sit down and read the paper with you. Whatever fucking, just making up expressions. He's gonna sit down and read the paper with you. Whatever, whatever fucking, just making up expressions. He's gonna give you the news. Huh?

He's gonna fucking, he's gonna peel your wig back. He's gonna fucking peel that apple. You know? He's gonna punt that squash to the other side of the fucking something. Sorry, I was at a loss for an analogy there, so I just had to make something up. Anyway, so after two periods, I was texting with my buddy who's a Rangers fan, and I was just going like, I'm not going to be comfortable until there's like two minutes left in this game because last year I watched the Bruins have this team beat in game five and game six. You had them on the ropes, you had a beat and then we

just started tra la la. It just I don't know what we did. I still remember that play in the corner where there was two Bruins going for the puck and one Panther goes in lifts our stick takes the fucking puck passes it over and then you know it's in the back of the neck. I was losing my fucking mind. I'm like this is literally fundamental hockey. The fuck are we doing here you know. When you're standing up and you're walking back and forth and you forget that you can

barely skate backwards and you start screaming at professional athletes like you know what's up. I was doing that. And what was I gonna say? So I was just like, I hope there's enough guys left on this team that remember last year and the Panthers, they like the Terminator. They like Charlie and Platoon. Like Charlie ain't stopping for nothing.

I got a bad feeling about this, man. Like you got to fucking they're like zombies You got to shoot them twice in the fucking head like you can't Give them they are gonna play until the fuck they're like badgers or Wolverines, you know We get it Bill. They got no quitting them. Yeah, they don't They don't so Game two, I guess we just got the living shit kicked out of us. They took it to us.

So, but I feel good, you know, that we won one. I hate that whole thing that the Bruins take home ice. It's like they didn't take home ice. There's still going to be four games in Florida versus three games. You're not taking home ice. That's just some fucking, they just finagled the numbers to make you feel like something just happened. I just don't get it. Well, Bill, it's simple math. No no it is simple math four games are in their arena

three games are in our arena and just because we won one game in their arena does not mean that there's not going to be four games in that arena and that doesn't automatically mean that they're not going to win a game in our arena that's what's so stupid about that math because now it's looking like well now you know the next fucking three you know two out of three are in our building it's like well yeah if you fucking do it like that that's like when people say bad things come in three threes bad things could come in fours if you waited

long enough you just call you just call the fourth bad thing number one. It's life. Bad shit happens, good shit happens, right? Little this, little that. You say tomato, I say basil. Anyway, so I'll tell you the series, like those series out west that fucking avalanche Dallas star series I'm gonna watch that and I finally checked in on who are these Timberwolves With who's that guy Anthony Anderson, what's the name of the guy I Don't know anything about fucking hoop. I know Anthony Anderson is on was on blackish. All right Okay, and was in and made his debut in that Jim Carrey movie remember that my favorite one of the funniest scenes ever was those kids were obviously not his kids but he just acted like they were Jim Carrey has three black kids and like when they

were all sitting on the couch and he's like sitting behind them like their shoulders and they're watching like deaf comedy jam and they're all dying laughing and Jim's like sitting behind them like their shoulders and they're watching like Def Comedy Jam And they're all dying laughing and Jim's like trying to relate and laugh with them was fucking I Always thought that was such a brilliant joke anyway Up two games to none last I checked against the Denver Nuggets and Everybody you know was talking about the Celtics You know we're up two games to none and like blah blah blah blah blah

But to look how about the Knicks Knicks were up two games to none against the Pacers How about me talking basketball over here? I don't think anything's a foregone conclusion, but like I Think the The Timberwolves are scaring the shit out of me We shall see. But they swept the Suns. I think they haven't lost a playoff game yet. They're fucking 6-0 and they're going back

to their own building. The Target Center. Fucking Target Center, dude. Right up the street from the Mall of America. By the way, now that all the malls seem to be going out of business, what the fuck are they going to do with the Mall of America? I don't know. What are they going to do with everything?

You know, once we have to start living inside and eating powdered food because the sociopaths that run corporations own politicians and none of them are stopping them on this fucking insane ride that we're on to absolute destruction. If I meet one more fucking person that is criticizing Joe Biden or Donald Trump, I don't even know what I'm going to do. I just look at the people now like they're dumb. It's just like, you're a fuck, you listen to bedtime stories.

You're listening to CNN and Fox News. Once upon a time, there was another political party and everything they did was wrong. But everything we do is right. Anyway, plowing ahead here. Oh, fuck. My wife's hilarious. She made me cancel everything today. I was actually psyched that she did because I was going to German-Irish my way through

this. She goes, you know, you go upstairs, you need to get in bed. She doesn't talk like this at all. But that's just how I hear her voice when she's telling me to take care of myself. So that's what I'm doing today. I'm just gonna fucking lay in bed with this like, I mean, she has the heat cranked up to the point, it's like something they used to do back in the day

when somebody had tuberculosis and they couldn't cure it. So they would, they would either cranked up the heat or you move to the southwest part of this country where there was like a dry heat because they thought that maybe that like helped it out or whatever. So anyway, anyway, what else is going on? I returned to the scene of the crime the other night. I went back to the Hollywood Bowl. I did a guest spot on Seth Rogen's show over there.

And I remember when I was going back, I was like, why am I doing this? I just had the set of my life here. It could not go better. Why am I coming back here risking fucking all of that up? And I was told, okay, you go over there, you're gonna do 10 minutes, you're gonna go on after this comedian. And the comedian ends up not showing up, was a little too banged up, hung over or whatever, right?

So now instead of following a comedian, because it was music and comedy, and you know, a lot of times those are not good gigs. So now instead of going on after a comedian, I had to go on in between Post Malone and Snoop Dogg. And I'm just going, all right, Post Malone is a fucking superstar, and then Snoop Dogg, like this is his hometown. Like who's not gonna go see him at the fucking Hollywood Bowl? That's what everybody is here for. So I had to like block that out,

and I went out there, and the crowd was great. And I went out, and they just was great and I went out and they just told what it was the cool well first of all you know there was so many people smoking weed there so everyone's just kind of like hey man like whatever man I just appreciate you going out on the stage and entertaining me man so everybody was in this really cool you know vibe and set that a whole fucking orchestra in like the the Roger Moore white tuxedos playing you on.

It was really cool. And I went out there and it was like I just picked up where I left off. Just had like this great time in it and I'm like that was unbelievable, right? And I get off stage and then Snoop goes on and I get to watch fucking Snoop Dogg in LA fucking doing his show and like his hometown man it was it was on fire was like you know Mickey Mantle in Yankee Stadium like this is what you're watching right Larry Bird in the Boston Garden so I get to watch him killing it and what's awesome about his show is like behind the DJ he had this guy just had a

microphone and what was he singing? I think he was singing Snoop Doggy Dog. He was killing it right and they were just sort of vibe out and everything and Snoop would be wrapping his ass off a blah blah blah blah blah and then even come back again and the guys bring the mic up Snoop I'm like that guy has one of the coolest jobs in show business and I was laughing with me and like you just see this guy like walking at a mall you had if you had any idea what he did for a living I got a picture with the guy I was like that's like the fucking coolest thing and then there was another guy too and his job sometimes was to sort of rap along with the chorus.

Like, you know, I've been to a bunch of rock shows. You would know this, looking at me, looking like Howdy Doody. I haven't been to a lot of rap shows. So I was like, I was enamored with the whole fucking, the the whole production because all I know about music is like, okay You have a lead guitarist a rhythm guitarist a bass player a drummer and then the lead singer All right, the lead singers out front and then the lead guitarist he stands over there and he puts his arm around him And then like the band the rhythm section sort of fucking hangs back Unless it's AC DC you all walk up and you sing the chorus and then you come back. That's all my knowledge of music. So to watch like, you know, a rap show live, I, you know, I'm trying to think.

I've gone to disgustingly few amount of those shows. Who else have I seen? I saw Busta Rhymes after Dave Chappelle at the Hollywood Bowl. And that was another one. Like he went out and just fucking murdered. Fucking murdered. And it was the end of the show too. It was after Dave did a full set. He still went out there and somehow made the crowd like go crazy like they hadn't already been entertained for like an hour and a half or whatever. So anyway, I got to do that and I hung out and everything and then the cold started

coming back and I'm like, ah, it's the springtime. It's not going to get a hold of me. Little Zycam. You know, I mean, I'll do some tube. A little fucking Fit Fit up the nose there, thinking I was all right. And then the cold last night was like, nah, nah, nah, dude. Settle in, buddy. A little three-day vacation inside your fucking sinuses. You guys ever see that YouTube clip of that guy?

He's got like a fucking fat Elvis haircut. And he's talking to that preacher, and the preacher has him on specifically to talk about how when he found God, you know, accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, which I don't get, I thought God was Lord. They say Jesus is Lord. No, Jesus is the Son of the Lord, right?

Or did God pass that business on? Like who right now is running that conglomerate? Anybody out there that follows Jesus? Can you let me know? Like how does that work? you see the Tom Brady of the team and then gods like the Robert Kraft or the GM well he's got to be Robert Kraft he's the owner of the team right I don't fucking know anyway God is a loving God all right is that where he makes wild dogs that fucking try to scare a mother giraffe away from a baby giraffe so they can eat it alive. That God, that God's loving. Snoop Dogg, it dogg!

Anyway, uh... What else? Yeah, so what have we got? The Celtics game fucking three, I think it's tonight. I'm really watching a lot of the players, but I'm gonna watch that Avs Stars game. Cause I'm taking a little time for me. Do you know what I mean? I'm tapping into my inner white chick right now. I'm gonna have a yes day.

Just give yourself a yes day. Can you imagine doing that as an adult? Like how fucking self-involved are you? Like if you have, I understand if you don't have kids. Which by the way, have I ever talked about that? I love adults that don't have kids. You know what I mean? They are like fascinating. It's as fascinating as watching someone who didn't have a kid

have a kid and watching how it changes them You know what I mean? I love watching people who don't have kids And I just like yeah I don't want to deal with that shit and I just want to fucking hang out and have a couple of beers and sit on my back porch like I find that life fascinating because I don't have it anymore and I just like, just observe like what is that like? That's got to go, hey man, what cool thing are you doing now man?

Tell me. I want to hear about it. Really? That's awesome. As long as they're happy, you know what I mean? There's nothing worse than meeting somebody that had kids and wished they didn't or someone that never had kids and wished they didn't or someone that never had kids and wished they did. But when you meet someone that wanted kids and they have kids and they're happy as shit,

it is equally as satisfying to me to meet somebody who never wanted to have kids and is just fucking really enjoying the fact that weed is legal. Eagle, you know, and you know, and you know, and they're not a mess about it. They have a couple of puffs, you know what I mean, a little glass of red wine, sit down, there's an art show coming at the exhibit, they're going to go to that. Maybe they're going to Spain or something Cuz that yeah, I mean By all means fucking do that shit and then tell the stories to people with kids We want to hear them I'm happy for you But unfortunately most people aren't like that there's like actually arguments on the internet

Where there's like people that have kids are like fucking yelling at people that don't have kids. It's like well they didn't have kids that's a fucking great thing. That the world is overpopulated. How about you give them their pound and if you don't want to have kids and you have kids you don't raise them right and then those kids are assholes and then your kids have to deal with those kids. So we should be like going, yeah, you want to have kids? Good for you. You don't want to have kids? Good for you. Do what you want to do.

That's that weird thing that adults do, like there's only one way to do things the way I'm doing them. And I need you to also do what I'm doing so I can so you can reinforce that with a choice I made was right I Call those people entourage people You know if I can give any young people advice out there never Never hang out with somebody You can hang out with them for the night, but don't get involved with somebody that has an entourage You do not want to do that, because especially if they're in the same business as you, because

once you get into the entourage in my business, they don't see you as trying to make it anymore. They just look at you as like, you know, a subset of the person they actually want to talk to, and they don't see you as an individual anymore. And then also if you get into an entourage, they're like the group thought, which is really singular. It's the person that's at the top and everybody's standing around waiting for another adult to be ready to go so the three SUVs can go down the fucking street.

You little motorcade. You don't want to be, this might be the loner in me, but you don't want to be fucking involved. If you have any sort of aspirations yourself, you can't get involved in that shit. It always reminded me of that cartoon with the big dog and the little dog. He'd be like, hey Spike, hey Spike, you want to go chase a car? And he'd be like, nah. You give him the backhand. Hey Spike, hey Spike, you want to go chase a cat up a tree?

Nah. He always sitting there, like your happiness is if the head person is happy. Then you could be happy because they're in a good mood and you don't have to worry that someone's going to get kicked out of their position. they're in a good mood and you don't have to worry that someone's gonna get kicked out of their position. Anyway, plowing ahead here. I run my yap long enough. How about those Red Sox coming on? How about those Red Sox coming on up into third place? One again the other day I fell off a little bit like the home life here watching the Red Sox but I've been checking in on the scores and you know we're behind the Yankees

who are behind the fucking Orioles. We're doing all right. You know, I met a Yankee fan the other day and he like apologized. He goes, sorry, I'm a Yankee fan. And I go, well, why are you apologizing? The fuck are you apologizing for? You're a Yankee fan, good for you.

You got 27 championships, you must be happy. Don't fucking do that passive aggressive thing where you're like apologizing for your Yankee fan? Good for you. You got 27 championships. You must be happy Don't fucking do that passive aggressive thing where you're like Apologizing to me as if I've been suffering as a Red Sox fan. I haven't not since 2004 and then we won three more So I'm good, buddy All right. What it is, it's phantom limb syndrome that Yankee fans have. Like they want Red Sox fans to still resent them. And it's like, dude, all we wanted to do is win the World Series. You know, beating you guys in the playoffs was a fucking bonus. Like we don't put that kind of pressure on ourselves the way you guys do every year. We got to win it every fucking year.

And so all these right in baseball, we just wanted to win it once, we won four times. I mean, I'm not speaking for all Red Sox fans, but I'm fucking, to me that was rolling, that was the end of the movie. And then they won the World Series and the curse was over and then fucking four months later it starts again. What are we gonna do?

Am I really gonna watch Jaws 2? That's gonna be better than the first one? I don't think so. Anywho, I got a live read. Oh, look who it is everybody, it's Hims. Wasn't us, it was them, the warriors. Hims, you know, your sex life is important, but your schedule is busy. You don't have the time to go to a doctor's office to get treated for your erectile dysfunction

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done the southern accent acting like homophobia is only in the south. It's not only in the south but it's definitely in the church. Alright, so anyway, what am I gonna do today? Oh, Billy twiddle thumbs. I mean, I guess I could watch a movie. Oh, speaking of movies, has anybody seen The Fall Guy yet? I gotta go fucking see that. You know, I mean, that movie, it's just everything you want. It's making fun of this 80s, but also give it's like making, I think it's gonna be like making fun of it and an homage to those shows. Because I fucking miss those kinds of shows. You know, back in the day before they just absolutely like eviscerated and ridiculed the guy's guy.

Like all these nerdy writers, you know, that couldn't get any puss puss, right? They resented the Lee majors of the world, you know, who could just come walking in in an orange tracksuit with no shirt underneath it and it unzipped just below their pecs and they had the perfect 70s chest hair and like Farrah Fawcett and all these gorgeous women were just falling all over themselves. They just couldn't fucking handle it. So they had to, you know, he's got some underlying insecurities or whatever. But you know, of course, who doesn't? But when I was a kid, you know, it was all about every fucking show, it seemed.

There was a cool guy in a cool car banging a hot chick. Like that was the formula. And we all like lived vicariously through it. Just going fucking, you know, Lee Majors, James Garner. James Garner did it the coolest way in the Rockford Files because his character was actually like, like as much as he, you know, James Gardner was one of the classic good looking leads in Hollywood, but his character was just such a fuck up. It's like living in a trailer down on the beach, he was always having women problems, he would always lose fights. But he was still cool.

Burt Reynolds, all of those guys. They were just the fucking coolest guy. All of those shows. Hardcastle and McCormick. Oh, what was the one I used to watch? Matt Houston. Used to drive around that Excalibur. He had the perfect fucking, you know, hair and mustache. hair and mustache. And you're just like this guy just walks outside and it's just raining women. Like how does he have time to solve any crime with all of this distraction coming out like his thing, that's what it really was. It wasn't the car.

It wasn't the good looks and it wasn't all the women. It was the focus to still actually keep the career going was incredible. So the fall guy I feel like is going to do the perfect, but it was also ridiculous too, let's be honest. I watched this Kojak episode the other day from like season three and Telly Savalas out of nowhere and that season comes in with the collar all the way out to his shoulders unbuttoned all the way down to like almost above his navel in a police precinct. It's just like did you come straight from the disco? What did you do with your Coke spoon? You're a cop?

What am I looking at here, right? So I feel like they're going to make fun of that, but there's also going to be that awesome truck. It's got Ryan Gosling, who just threads the needle of like tip of the cap while making fun of it. I gotta go, I'm gonna see that this weekend. Without a fucking doubt, I gotta go see that movie. I don't know why they don't bring a show like that back. You know, and just do it with that sort of vibe.

Like you're doing it while you're making fun of it, but you're still doing it, you know? I don't know. You know why? Because I don't know that cars are as like individually cool as they used to be. Because there's like some of the sickest cars of all time that happen.

As far as like how fast they are, you know, everybody talks about those muscle cars and everything. The thing about those muscle cars is they look so fucking cool But this slow is shit unless you put something modern in it. They were fast back then You know if you wanted to go in a straight line the American shit anyways, right? But like the cars like today or I don't know

Like the level of horse power. I saw cool in the other day this guy Today or I don't know Like the level of horse power. I saw cool in the other day this guy Wanted to had like a mid 90s Volkswagen sedan or maybe might even been the late 80s I'm not real good with the the Volvo not Volkswagen Volvo stuff And he put like a modern-day Corvette engine in it and put racing seats took out the back seat and just lightened the whole thing up And he had like the fucking, you know, the five point seatbelt, like he's in a F16. And it was one of the sickest sounding cars ever.

And it was because you heard that American rumble in this, was it Swedish? Is that what Volvo's from? Finland? I don't wanna piss off the, the fucking, what was it with the Nordics Scandinavia anyway I'm just fucking babbling it's probably the the day quill my wife gave me a shot at day quill you know so now I just spend the rest of the day just

walking around being agreeable in this fog. Like, yeah, hey man, like whatever you want to do. I mean, I'd appreciate it if you turned the fucking heat. I'm literally sitting podcasting and I'm sweating. Now I want all you fucking medical advisors out there, whatever the HIMS people are, to now write in and be like, just sweating is good for a few. You have no medical background. You know what your medical background is? Is listening to other people on Instagram going, you know what's good for cancer? Eat this. Anyway. All right, that's it people. I talked as

long as I could talk. Enjoy the music picked up by the always wonderful Andrew Themlis and we have a bonus episode of Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Enjoy the music picked up by the always wonderful Andrew Thumbliss. And then we have a bonus episode of Thursday Afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great week, and your cons go Bruins, go Celtics. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 9th, 2016. What's going on? How you doing there? Fuckos. Oh, Freckles laying on his back trying to get rid of the sciatica. It's much better. Sciatica, sciatica, oh, oh, oh, oh, sciatica. A lot of people don't know that was the original lyrics to Panama, you know?

David Lee wanted to say, you know, sciatica and Eddie wanted to say, and Alex wanted Panama. And Michael Anthony's like, come on guys, you know, except he said it in a much higher voice. Can we fucking just get along here? David ended up giving in to the brothers and that's what it next thing, you know He was on his own when I'm just a gigolo so Yeah, my back's doing it's doing much better Slowly, but surely I've kind of found out it's gonna sort of work itself out if I just don't

Have to sit on my fucking ass from here to Jacksonville every other week. But that's the life that I live, you know? This is the weirdest injury ever. Usually if you're fucked up, sitting down, you know, and resting is a good thing. This thing I just gotta kind of, I gotta lay down. Ha ha ha ha. I'm a mess.

I'm taking that fucking iB Pro, I don't know what the fuck it is, some anti-inflammatory thing. I'm stretching like a fucking NHL goalie trying to get everything all fucking undone down there but I don't know what's going on. I don't know but it is getting, but I flew all the way back today from Jacksonville. Had a great time. And by the way, here's some advice for you. When you're out on the road and you're going to get a breakfast, all right? Unless you're in some mom and pop place and you can see over the counter, you can watch

them making your food, which I don't necessarily really like to do if you're gonna order eggs don't ever order scrambled eggs I know what you're thinking why Bill why why wouldn't you do that because they got a giant fucking vat that they've made scrambled eggs are the fucking oatmeal of eggs when you go to restaurants it's just it's like the trail lasagna. It's just that, here's your fucking, you know, here's your fucking eggs. Especially like this morning, the place where I went to,

in Jacksonville, I ate at the Chili's restaurant in Jacksonville, Florida. I know you guys, you're jealous, right? Oh my God, he gets to see everything. So me and Forrest Shaw, who murdered it all week, we ordered the whatever the American breakfast or something there. And your only option on the eggs was scrambled. Okay, now, if that's the fucking case, that means they got a giant vat that was probably made, I don't know how long ago, whatever the health code violation is, plus five minutes, you know, it's been sitting.

So you got the rubber fucking eggs and then bacon. They just make a bunch of fucking bacon. They got that sitting to the side, you know. And then they had their bullshit hash browns, which, you know, it was already all the whole fucking thing was already made. The only thing that really tasted good was the biscuit. So if you're ever at the airport you know or if you go down to the hotel you know lobby for their continental breakfast you always never order scrambled eggs order eggs over easy get an omelet you know do

something like that where they just aren't going to just have the shit already made. Or you could do the gross shit with the syrup, but that's going to fuck your whole day up. I feel. I mean, not like I didn't order a big salty breakfast, but for some reason a salty breakfast is as bad as it is, I can continue to function. But if you get a waffle or pancakes or French toast or that shit, you know, you might as well just have somebody put you in a fucking sleeper hold

because you're going down and you're going down early. So anyway, just a little travel tip for you there. So anyways, you know all this past week, the lovely Nia, my beautiful wife was away and I was telling you how immaculate I was keeping this place fucking immaculate, all right and I

Literally like there was no trash in any of the barrels all the Fucking pillows were all poofed up look like it looks like a showroom the living room, right? I made the fucking bed You know It was spotless. I showroom, the living room, right? I made the fucking bed, you know? It was spotless. I wiped down my side of the fucking sink, you know, from brushing my teeth and all that shit, spotless, okay? I got a car washed and waxed, filled it up with gas, all of that shit.

Everything was done. Went through all the bills, got the junk mail, all the bullshit, the recycling, fucking everything! I did everything, right? So I'm thinking she's gonna come home. You know, cause I was leaving, and right as I was leaving she was coming home, so we were just missing each other, right? So, I was thinking when she came home, she was gonna be like, like, oh, you know what, I might have to bring her in for this shit. You know what, I'm gonna have to bring her in for this shit. You know what? I'm going to have to bring her in for this.

Hang on one second. Hold on one second. All right. All right. So I'm back here. So anyways, let me keep setting this up. So my whole thing, Nia was that when you came home, this place was going to be absolutely spotless.

So you'd be like, Oh my God, that's so nice. And then also you wouldn't feel like I was this hopeless sap without you. Cause that always bugs me. Like when women go like, they fall apart without us. Like I'm like, I've never said that about you. Nor have I ever thought that it's I've never come home after being away and the place has been in shambles because you don't know what to do Oh, so I don't know. So all that effort was for nothing No, but you keep holding on to some idea of something that are you quoting an 80s song? What talking to the mic man spreading?

Well, I gotta be on the fucking couch here No, I don't know what you're so concerned about that for. The place has never been disgusting or gross after I've gone away, so I don't know why you have this big hangup about, you know, I don't get it. You know what? No, I don't either. Well. I'm trying to think, will you fucking relax and let me work through my shit?

Oh, okay, sorry. What a jerk. You're telling this story. All right. And then you. Sorry. What a jerk. You're telling this story. All right. And then you're out. So any, don't I, because I'm told what happened. So I'm fucking waiting.

I'm on the road on the road again. And I'm in fucking Hollywood, Florida. Right. And all I'm thinking is, oh, the text message I'm going to get. Oh, it looks so great. It's so wonderful to come home to a nice clean house It looks like a fucking showroom, and what do I get I get a fucking videotape from you She's in the pantry now evidently something went bad in the pantry okay, something didn't go bad in the pantry is just

Some shit that's going down in the pantry. There's some shit going down in the pantry. So here's the deal. It's going down in the pantry. I'm here by myself. I'm writing on the fucking show every night until seven o'clock at night. I come home, my brain is fried. I come home, I order a pizza, I pour a scotch, I eat, and then I stare at the wall. I go to bed and I get right back up and we stare at the next draft and the next script. That's been my life. So I didn't in defense of me, the one fucking place

I didn't go into. So it was the pantry. Stop saying I don't like that word. I just realized pantry pantry. Stop saying I don't like it. It just it's a I don't know. It's too close to panties in this food. I don't like when food and sex are combined. OK, no, I know you don't like that. You can't read. Oh, that nine and a half weeks when I fucking her with all the groceries on her. I just was like, look, either eat or fuck.

Not together, you know. So anyways. So she sends me this video. She's like, um, so she sends me this video. She's like, BB, how did you not see this? Right. It just starts fucking giving me all this shit. I'm like, what the fuck? All right. And she pans up to the top of the fucking ceiling and there was, what was it?

There's larvae larvae little, yeah. A little moths modal what go ahead it's an inside joke oh good inside with who But the fucking people listening to oh, and I when I do No, yeah, there's a lot of larvae there's moths and stuff because some like if there's a flour that's been opened and it's not sealed up properly or grains or cereal, they'll create little moths. If you have fruit out for too long, it'll make fruit flies. So that was what was happening. It doesn't make fruit flies, it attracts them.

No, it creates them from that. I was just talking to the Terminix guy about it. They just, they, I don't know- Fruit flies come from apples? Listen, yeah. If you have fruit and stuff out too long and it starts to go bad. So an orange fucks an apple and then fucking nine months later you get a fruit fly? No, that's not. You're like really, there's no womb in there that's making an apple. No, Bill, that's not what I mean. It's not a fruit having sex. That's what I'm saying. That's what you're saying. You're saying they come for it. No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying

that they, listen, I don't know. I'm not a fucking term next person, but he was telling me that when it's great. what happens is those goddamn dirty moths Fuck on those apples out in the orchard. No, and they plant their seed in there and then it comes out like alien Okay, Bill. There's not any fruit in the pantry. Okay, so we have pointing at me. We have grains I'm just staring at your crush right now It's so comfortable though My lower back is so comfortable right now. Oh, you know what? I figured out a thing to get for you for that.

But anyway, we'll get back to that. But if you have grains and cereals out exposed in like this little closed environment where it gets warm, it produces these larvae and little flies and moths and shit. So that's what the guy just told me. He's not saying it right. Well how are you saying it? Are you saying it better? I'm saying- Please,, tell me how you explain things and how clear it is when you explain things. Okay. What I would say is, like, you know, if you're having a cookout

and you leave food out, all of a sudden flies or an ant show up, but they don't come from the food. That's what he told me. Oh, but you keep saying they're coming from the apples and it's confusing me. I didn't say that it came, you said it came from apples. I said nothing about apples. You said it comes from apples. I did not say it came from apples. I'm fucked up.

I'm lying this when I'm dumb. It came from apples, I would never say it came, you started throwing apples into the mix. I was trying to explain to you about grains and shit. All right, maybe you're right, maybe you're right and shit. I was saying it's like fruit flies. This is why I sucked in school. I can't even hear what you're saying. Because you don't listen. That's why you goddamn ADD. You don't listen. You don't listen. And then you start saying things and you said them and then you attribute them to the other

person. Like it's so confusing to talk to you sometimes because you don't listen. Oh, it's so fucking hard. It is hard. How about we were just watching the Simpsons and you watched the entire episode and midway through it, you were like, why is that happening? And I'm like, where did the blue snake like a major plot point that had been explained not even five minutes earlier, but you don't pay attention. Well, how about this? How about my fucking back is out and I was in Jacksonville, Florida this morning. How about that? What does that have to do with anything that we're talking about?

Well, maybe I'm a little fucking, you know, not focusing on a fucking cartoon. Okay, you're such a baby when you travel to whenever you travel, you fucking for like one day like, Oh my God, I don't know how you do this. And then it goes right out your fucking head. And then the next next time I'm coming back Off the road you like oh, let's go You know Susie fricassee is having a fucking hoo-ha down the fucking street You want to go to that when I say no you flip out at me? Should do you know exactly what you know who she is to Susie fricassee. Oh, yeah

You know who she is too. Suzie Fricassee. Oh yeah. She's that broad down there next to the thing. All right, so whatever. So she comes home and evidently there's some sort of bug horror movie and you know how what infestation infestation, you know how the ladies react. They don't like insects. You know what I mean?

They don't like insects. You would not have enjoyed that way. The way men don't like cats. Those fucking things. There's nothing better than a cool cat. I like a cool cat that chills and lays in the fucking sun. I like their aloofness. The ones that are not creeping up on you?

Yeah, I don't like that. When they're practicing killing you. You just look over and they're staring at you from the corner. No, then they stop and try and play it off. I don't like that they stand on your chest in the morning, waking you up. I don't like they shit in a box and then you got to pick it up. It's just too much. Cleo shits just outside. But we still got to pick it up. I know, but it's not in the house.

If you're going to shit in to it's not in the house. True. I mean if you're gonna shit in the house go in the toilet I think some people can train their cats To shit in the in the toilet. I don't know how but well I can tell you how they can't communicate with other human beings So they put all their energy into yeah, like they they got like that gift. They have like a like an ass burger I see what you mean ass burgers with cats Some sort of, what's that thing they're always talking about nowadays? Autism?

Autism, yeah, they're like autistic with people, but they communicate with cats. Just stop with the mental. And they can like play an instrument really well or something, right? No, no, no, just stop with the diagnosis of the mental illnesses. Just stop right there, please. with the diagnosis of the mental illnesses. Just don't, just stop right there.

Please. You're going to get angry tweets. I'm not mocking, mocking any of that. I'm making fun of people that put, you can't fucking say anything anymore. Everybody gets all worried. I know, I know. Nia, I do benefits for all of those things. All of those things.

I know. Give up my free fucking time. Some of your best friends all the black Oh Jesus Christ Ah I Remember when things were funny. Oh, it was so simple back in the day. Well. Yeah, it was you could just say shit And no yeah, and every fucking jerk off didn't have some way they could just spout about how fucking annoyed they are But everything else is fine as long as it doesn't come around in my world. Can I just ask what the situation is here with the Ziploc bag?

What about it? And how you're keeping your equipment stored? Yeah. Bill's got this cord and the little foamy part that you put on a... The windscreen. The windscreen and a couple of batteries and an old Ziplock bag that's ripped and just doesn't even zip anymore. Right.

So, I'm just wondering why, basically. Because it still holds the things, and if I just throw that thing out, another one's going to break, and then that thing right there is probably going to end up on the nose of a porpoise, and it's not going to be able to eat, and it's going to die. Because everything ends up in the ocean. Yeah, you know they say that put litter in its place. It's like the second all this shit that you throw out, they're saying you don't pollute. We all pollute. It's just some of us. Do you take this on the road with you? It's not like I was having an idea there. Go ahead. I mean, do I take that on the road? You're just going to be like babbling about something that you don't really know about. I don't really feel like I'm missing anything.

So you take this on the road with you? Yes. All right. I could maybe get you a nice leather satchel. Really? You got a skin of fucking cow? Because I already have one. It'll last longer than putting it in this ridiculous thing.

That's never going to biodegrade. What's this? That thing. That thing won't biodegrade. That thing will be here somewhere in the dirt somewhere for hundreds of fucking years after we're gone. I'm saying you can have a nice way to carry your things. It doesn't look like, you know, the bag that we used to use for sandwiches. What is your fascination with just like buying shit? What do you mean? Fascination with buying shit?

Obsession? I mean, look at this. Look at this. You're carrying this thing in. I really wish you guys could see the Ziploc bag right now. It's a mess. A man of your stature should not be carrying around your podcast equipment and an old ass ripped Ziploc bag.

A man of my stature. Fucking two seconds ago, I was a fucking moron. You can be both. And now, now cause you... Touche from Nene. So who do you like tonight? Who, who we got? St. Louis Blues.

Meet me in St. Louis, Louis. Versus who? The Dallas Stars. Former blues meet me in st. Louis Louis Versus who the Dallas stars? Formally the Minnesota North Stars are these hockey teams. Yes, they are if they're not like the Kings or the Bruins, I don't really know. Oh Yeah, what are your feelings about the Kings and the Bruins? Well if it came down to it I would be a Bruins fan because I'm from Boston. So you're just saying who you're going to root for. Yeah.

But the rest of them, I don't know. Those are my two. What do you like? I like both teams, but I just, I started pulling for the blues because the blues have been in the league since 19 six. Well, who's getting who? Cause the Bruins didn't make the playoffs. So I was like, all right, I got to pick somebody and I'm not going to jump on the Blackhawks and Kings bandwagon because they're always in it. So

I'm going to go for a sore underdog. And I was like, well, the blues, they've been around since 1967. So the Minnesota North stars, but the people in Dallas haven't been rooting that long. But I really liked the players and shit. I like, I like Dallas, but I've ever been rooting for, I'm babbling over here. Look at me. A little bit. Yeah. St. Louis. Are there going to be... I don't relax. relaxed is there gonna be a Kings game that we can go to because I really enjoyed going to that those two Kings games we went to that they got bounced out that done what do you mean bounced out they got

beaten by the San Jose Sharks oh so they're not in it it's over it's over for them the Stanley Cup playoffs there you. They got they lost in the first round What about the Brewies? We didn't make it. We were Well, we overachieved Throughout the year because at least as far as I was concerned I'm the guy that will do fuck am I but I mean with the players that we had and every day we got rid of I thought we were just gonna be trying to figure out who the fuck everybody was for half the season and then maybe you know I don't know what about the Toronto Blue Jays what happened was we were

gonna be making the playoffs and everybody's all bunched together we look at fucking third seed then we had a West Coast trip and we got a fucking asses kicked and and all went away and then flyer and Red Wing fans talked shit about you know haha you didn't make the playoffs and they both got the right there Fred in the first fucking round. So I enjoyed that. Okay. Well, the Toronto Blue Jays, is that a hockey team? No, that's baseball. The Toronto Maple Leafs. The Maple Leafs got the first pick in the

draft. Who are the Raptors? Are they a hockey team? No. Who are they? They're a basketball team. Oh, Jesus. Keep saying this shit. You know what? And then I'll do, you pick something else that I don't know anything about. We'll see who's more right. What are you into that you know about? Did I just say that? Is that a question?

What are you into that you know about? I don't know. Fashion. Okay. Go ahead. Um, oh Jesus. What's the name of the guy who makes fun of fat people? He used to be fat. Oh. Is that, that's not Alexander Wang, is it? No. Is that Michael Richards? Is it Michael, Michael Kors?

No. He's German. Is it Paul Mitchell? And he is the head of a very very like the most famous fashion house in the world. It's not Versace because he got shot by that guy. Yes, no it's not Chanel because that was a chick and she's dead. Right but... She has an apartment in Paris that you can go into if you're skinny enough. Right but you're closed You're getting there. Chanel is right. Chanel is the right fashion house. Person who you're talking about is the head creative director for Chanel.

He looks like a war criminal. Right. He's German. Oh, there you go. And why were they war criminals, Nia? Because they lost. We would have just as many people going to fucking Nuremberg. We really would have. Okay. Dresden.

Karl Lagerfeld. Ah, fuck. Remember when we saw him the last time we were in Paris in the cab and I started freaking out because I saw Karl Lagerel walking down the street in Paris and I thought he's a cool-looking dude man. He's a vampire looking dude. He's a vampire. Vampire war criminal, old queen looking dude. Yep, pretty much. That's him. Alright. Name a sports team. Go ahead. I'll name one. You tell me what it is. The yellow jackets somebody. You tell me what it is the yellow jackets somebody

Yellow jacket, I feel like that was a high school. I feel like that was a fucking fusion band What about wait a minute? No, no wasn't is that's like Wake Forest or something? That's a college basketball team some sort of jackets The Grizzlies. Yeah, what Grizzlies? Toronto Michigan Grizzlies? Who were the Grizzlies? Toronto? Michigan? It's someplace cold that would have grizzly bears, right? So it's not going to be a southern team. Good guess, but they moved. They were initially in Vancouver. Midwestern? Oh, okay. Is it a Midwestern kind of thing?

They were initially in Vancouver and then they went to, now they're in Memphis. Oh, so the Memphis Grizzlies. And for some dumb reason they kept the name name kind of like when the New Orleans Jazz moved to Utah, the whitest fucking place ever. And the Utah Jazz? Like you'll never see any jazz or hear any jazz in Utah. I wouldn't think so. There are no jazz clubs in Utah. Yeah, it's like the New Orleans Mormons. New Orleans Mormons? Yeah, New Orleans Mormons. I like that name better. All right, well, we enjoyed you here, Nia.

Oh, I'm done? I don't know. Your phone's ringing. Oh, god. Oh, look at us. I know. I gotta call her back. Are you done with me?

Are you wrapping up the podcast? Did you answer questions? No, but you can come back for that. I'm actually kind of tired, so I think I'm going to leave. Nice reversal. I kicked you off and then you're like, no, let me come back. And then you tell me to go fuck myself. You know what?

I enjoy that. I respect that. So I just came on to tell the larvae story. Larvae, larva larvae and then leave a get out of here so I can straighten out my legs and fucking get my I feel like Kennedy right now. Are you even able to do a podcast in the upright position anymore? This is why I married you. This is the type of compassion that I've come to expect from you.

You're such a fucking baby. I tough my way through all of this shit. I never, I never see doctors. I don't take medicine. That's cause you're dumb. It is not cause you're tough. It's because you're dumb. It's cause I grew up with people where they don't go to the hospital. They don't go to doctors. They don't take medicine. No, you're dumb. We have advances in our society. I am dumb. You don't take advantage of. I am dumb, but I'm tougher than you You're a baby. So fine. Be tough all you want but like be smart and tough Go to the doctor if you're so tough

And here's like the turning point in like an after-school special. Yeah, well i'm getting there be tough By going to the doctor and hearing what they have to say. That's real toughness. That's real talk. That's real talk son All right. I'm out of here. NeNe out. Sorry. I had to. I enjoyed when you come on. I like you. I missed you, Bibi. Huh? All right. Don't say huh. You heard me. Listen, I went out, you know, you know why I don't go to fucking doctors and all that shit? Why? Because doctors, they practice medicine, they practice on you. They don't go to fucking doctors and all that shit Why because doctors they practice medicine they practice on you They don't have shit down and one of the one of the things that they still don't know a lot about Practice but it's not like they don't mean it like they're practicing like you sit in here practicing drums

You know, that's not the same thing. They went to medical school. I understand that so why are you you like taking that word? So literally have you ever seen Lars Ulrich play life? He practices. No. He fucks up all the time with Metallica. Oh my God. Nia. Yes?

I'm telling you, that's what it means. You practice medicine and then you learn off other people. Just look how much better hair plugs have gotten. Look how much better they're getting with the fucking, you know, cutting part of your eye out and then you can see better. You told me you were going to go to a doctor to figure out what was happening with your leg okay so I know it is I

know you say I know you think you know what it is but can you please go to a doctor and so it doesn't become a chronic issue and then when you're you know 50 which is can I can I finish You can have some sort of handle on it. Yeah, one of the things that they know the least about is the back, okay? And I'm just not gonna just go to a fucking chiropractor. I'm gonna find somebody, you know, who has a good reputation of not just

fucking opening people up like a, it isn't fine, cause I wasn't done talking. You always jump in. Because you're suggesting that I just want you to go to some random ass clinic I was just joking around I was joking around well I'm holding you to this because you said you were gonna do it so are you gonna do it I don't know I'm feeling pretty good I don't like going at this I don't like going to the doctor the way I don't like going to the fucking mall I just the whole idea going over there and parking and just the whole fucking thing. I know

I'm you feeling so make sure you show up 15 minutes before. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll be there See you then. I know but once it's done, it's done. You know my first show in Hollywood, Florida There was a couple of ladies in the front row show in Hollywood Florida there was a couple of ladies in the front row were asking if you were there because they needed relationship advice. Oh yeah? You know, yeah they were like how come we don't have boyfriends? No they didn't say this. That's what they said. Someone actually wrote me and asked me about you proposing and actually that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk about this email I got. Should we do it today or should we do it Thursday?

No. Who the fuck is writing you and how the fuck are they writing you? Because they write Mike because of my website tenderheadedfilms.com. Jesus. So they were writing me because remember I was going to do a podcast all those years ago and I just never did it. No, they wrote this whole thing about how did you get a guy who was so anti-marriage to propose and all that kind of stuff and how did it happen and did I propose? No, I did not propose. Bill proposed to me and all that stuff. And then what you just write, I wore him down.

Excuse me? I wore him down. No, no. See, this is why we have to talk about it because that's some bullshit. No we don't. Don't even put that out there. I'm just making a joke. Will you fucking relax?

I wore you down. You love me, you missed me, you told your larvae story. Now one thing about show business is you leave them wanting more. So get your fucking cute ass out of here. All right, goodbye. I want to talk about that story though.

I want to answer that question. Oh, we all want to do things in life. Beat it. Goodbye. Hit the road, Jack. Don't you come back. No more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road, NeNe. Yeah, so that's what I came up to. She fucking shows me this big goddamn thing about all the fucking...

I mean, granted, as much as I'm gonna bitch at it, it was a bunch of fucking... larvae. I mean granted as much as I'm gonna bitch it it was a bunch of fucking Larvae I swear to God she says that comes from apples and flowers Not flower and flower being left out and grains What happened you know what if you agree with her you can go fuck yourselves? How about that all right? Let's read a little advertising here for this week shall we all right? And with that it's over come on come on now delete close the window and on to the rest of the bullshit um I had the worst fucking keeps a good guy, but I had a Bad cab driving way back from the fucking airport

He's one of those One of those people that can't keep a consistent speed you know so they make your car sick And what was hilarious was he was driving a Prius and the way he was driving this thing I would be surprised if he was getting eight gallon eight miles per gallon. He just kept doing that. Wow Just stomp and glide I just amazed me some people like how they cannot hear you can't hear the engine I just amazed me some people like how they cannot hear you can't hear the engine

You know you can't hear the fucking RPMs going through the roof. You don't understand that as wasting fuel I know you know how bad those cabbies get fucked over You think that he would be concerned about something you think if you drove for fucking living you'd have an understanding of how a fucking engine works It was so fucking annoying. It actually just kind of just became funny. And he was a really nice guy. But I don't know, some people like it's almost like it's like they're driving with a fake foot, you know, or a mechanical foot like the prototype and you know, it's either on or off.

There's no consistency of speed. This guy, he just kept going up to like 65, 70 miles an hour and then glide back down to like, you know, 52. Of course, I'm looking at my fucking phone, so I'm starting to get sick. Yeah, you know, it was a shit show. An absolute fucking shit show. Oh, you know, when I went to Florida, by the way, I landed in Miami every time I land into Miami Oh, you immediately start seeing all these beautiful women and every time I go there I just hear Tony Montana's voice going. The city is like one big pussy waiting to get fucked And I was trying to bait me into those two women that were sitting in the front row to get into that fucking conversation But she didn't buy the bait.

She didn't take the bait because they were like, why don't we have boyfriends? You know, and you should have seen them because you I don't know, because you guys are you not wearing any clothes. That be the one thing as beautiful as you are. No guy wants to put up with that. You got to walk down the street like some overprotective dog. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, keeping everybody away. Everybody's...

I mean, one of them was barely wearing a shirt. Granted, I wasn't complaining for where I was standing from, but I mean, it just seemed kind of obvious, you know what I mean? You got to cover up the goods a little bit. I mean, I would say that to Madonna. I don't know if she's currently dating somebody right now, but Madonna is in fucking unbelievable shape for her age. And if she would just put on something elegant, you know what I mean? Instead of rolling around with half a fucking pussy lip hanging out. I don't know why she does that. She said something late, you know, she did yet another. Like her whole fucking career has been like one big publicity stunt after another.

You know, I'm wearing a wedding dress, but I'm fingering myself at the fucking awards show, right? You know, right from there. And then, oh, it's Jesus, but he's African-American. And now I'm trying to fuck him. It's just paint by numbers shock. And what's funny is I actually like her music. Borderline feel like I'm going to lose my mind. paint by numbers shock and what's funny is I actually like her music I just keep you know that's actually I threw out my back doing that Molly Ringwald dance

anyways yeah and then she goes on Letterman she says fuck 50,000 times she does stand up on the Tonight Show it's just one big fucking thing after another. So her latest one was she showed up to a movie theater, movie premiere or whatever the fuck she, I don't know who the fuck knows what it was. Some fundraiser to get toothbrushes to some fucking God's forsaken place. So she shows up and she literally has her titties and her ass out like a see-through dress. And she of course says, well, what I'm doing is I'm challenging the boundaries. And of course, women, you know, you got to drag all that bullshit in there.

It's like, no, you're 57. Okay. Nobody wants to look at that. Okay. Like at my age, I am well into put on a fucking sport coat. Nobody wants to see it. It's just, yeah, you're not pushing any boundaries. It's just, it's a, you know, you're having a little bit of a midlife crisis. I think she looks fucking great, but she'd look way better if she fucking just, you know, you know, put on a fucking dress. Fuck are you doing? I don't know.

But then again, I saw Iggy pop and he wasn't wearing a shirt. But I don't find, guys aren't like attractive. It was just sort of funny to me. Not funny, I just was, just him not giving a fuck. So I guess if she just said, look, I don't give a fuck. I just felt like having my ass and titties hanging out I wouldn't have a problem with that but the fact that she's sitting there trying to say that no no wait a minute I think she might be right maybe she is right hey come here you gotta answer this question. There's a chance I might become enlightened and understand Madonna more.

Until she comes here, I'll sing some of my favorite songs by her. Bad Boy, Bad Girl, Home By Six. Hey, pick up the mic. I got a question for you. Now you want me back. Yep that's like that street joke I told you right? What? When I heard Jackie the joke man tell? The one about the gorilla? No the one with the fucking the married guy he's walking out of the house and his wife's yelling at him. Go get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out. I never want to see you again. So he's walking away and she goes, I hope you die a long, slow, miserable death.

And he turns around and he goes, oh, what? Now you want me back? That's stupid. That's a stupid joke. Just reminded me of that. Anyway, I could have told it better, but I got I just got off playing Jackie the Junkman tells it way tells way better all right so Madonna recently borderline she showed up at some fucking you know raise awareness thing I don't know what it was it was a carpet she showed up and she had her butt cheeks out and her titties out okay this was the Met Ball that happens every year in New York City.

And that's for the Mets? Yes, it is. Go Mets. But it's just for one of them? I know it's for the fucking museum. Yes. The hacky date. Every fucking person in their 20s goes on in New York. And Madonna. Let's go to a museum. It's a big gala.

Only the creme de la creme darling are invited. So Ralph Lauren pretends to fall and he sniffs her butt on the way down. Is that what happens? What? You know those super rich people they're all freaks aren't they? I guess. Wasn't that the point of Eyes Wide Shut? I don't know what the point of Eyes Wide Shut was. What happened was Stanley Kubrick died? He died halfway through I saw a great fucking movie on the plane called the insiders it's a movie made by Some Korean director man. It was fucking phenomenal. Oh really enjoyed it. Okay had one of the best fucking fight scenes I've seen

Because the guy was missing a hand. You know, so he had to like fucking, you know. Everybody knew what hand he was throwing, right? It was multiple attackers. It was the shit. I almost gave it a standing ovation on the plane. If it was pre 9 11, I could have done it. But I started to do it.

And they're like, sir, sir, why are you being hostile? I had to do it. They're like sir sir. Why are you being hostile? I had to sit down It's another freedom lost so anyways So fucking Madonna shows up uh-huh Yeah, okay, so she says That she's trying to fucking push the boundaries of of whatever the fucking sex and that type of thing. Okay.

So I was going like, now come on, you're 57. No one wants to see me without a shirt on. Granted, she's in better shape than I am. But like, you know, I'm in my sport coat years, like, you know, covered up their freckles. Right? So what I'm saying is- You're in your sport coat years. Yeah.

Yeah. You get to a certain point. You get in your forties and stuff like that. Women dress elegantly and men dress like gentlemen. Yeah. In other words, yeah. You cover up, uh, you know, the fucking battle scars of what you've been through. Okay. Too many fucking wine and cheese plates. No, what I'm saying is so I was saying the Madonna just put on a nice dress. She could look really elegant Yeah, that's not really her vibe. Yeah, I know I know but you know something it's like Like look who's Ken who Michael Jackson if he was still alive, dude The short pants with the glitter socks. It's like come on, dude

Some point you got to update the look. What is it? What is your point with this whole Madonna thing? Is that so I was saying that but then I was like wait a minute but when I saw Iggy Pop with no shirt on I thought it was badass that that he didn't give a fuck so that's that's bullshit so I should be actually applauding Madonna. Wow look at you. See that? That's not that's not okay I was gonna say you were like wow look at you you're really not as dumb. So my apologies to Madonna. Okay, I was gonna say you were like wow look at you. You're really not as dumb. So my apologies to Madonna Feels like I'm showing off my behind take it look at my fucking 57 year old

She's my age with ten she's ten years. So she's 50... Wait, what? Madonna's not 57 years. Wait, is she? Yes, she is. She was born the same year as Prince. Oh, shit. No, the same year as Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was 58. Prince was 58.

I think Madonna was 58. I never know how old Madonna is, ever. And that was like in 19... She's 57. Oh my god, you're right. She's gonna be 58, right? I had no idea. In August, yeah, she'll be 58. Yeah.

So 1958 as far as music goes was kind of like 1943. 1943 was Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Jim Morrison all born 1943 and then they all died in 1970 and then people started to understand drugs and you know bringing a jump rope on the road and maybe becoming a vegan so now they live longer Michael made it to 50 Prince made it to 57 Madonna's still going okay all of them in their own way kind of went on stage with their ass hanging out right um okay where are you going with this nowhere I gotta fill I gotta fill up an hour sometimes I gotta forget I want to do some questions here okay so you brought me in to

Show me that you've evolved and seeing your own. No, I was trying to double-stand I was trying to see if that was a double-standing women and showing their bodies Yeah And you know double standard also works with women the way they look at guys in certain situations too You guys aren't like perfect. No one no one is claiming to be perfect. Okay. Well the media just seems to cover your complaints And then this just you ever have a voice, uh, thank god you have this podcast I know no one would hear me Listen nia, you gotta understand the world doesn't live with me. They don't have the privilege of living with me the way you do

So I need to do this once a week of living with me the way you do. So I need to do this once a week. That's a fucking beautiful watch. Who got you that? You did. That's right. Asshole. Really? Response to stinky German from last week. So this poor bastard, he's German, right? Yes. And so he lives in Germany. He's old school. He didn't leave and try to be like, hey, I wasn't part of that Hitler thing. Right. I got it. He still is. Yeah.

His grandparents said, you know, I don't know if it's me, but this guy's making a lot of sense. So because of the mistakes of his forefathers and mothers the gods have cursed him that he just sort of smells a little musty and He's he's tries showering. He does all this shit. He doesn't know what the fuck to do So evidently this doesn't this other musty guy formerly musty guy heard about this Okay, does he look into his diet? musty guy formerly musty guy heard about this okay yeah we talked about that and halitosis maybe you have a fucking sinus infection I don't know what but he just

like he just smells bad no matter how much he showers so this guy says yeah he wears deodorant yeah it was quite it's quite a mystery. Boy, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what. So this person's in response to this. This is a formerly musty person. So I hope this helps the, uh. The sauerkraut. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. Yes! Yes!

That is my best fucking pun ever. I'm sorry, but that shit was great. Alright, that was pretty good. Wow, that was good. That was good. I'll give you that. That was good. Alright, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... He said, I'm gonna and keep this simple because we all know of your reading issues. What I admittedly have. I've been a fan for years, but this is the first time I feel the need to chime

in on something. Last week, you read a question from a German guy that had a musty body odor and did not know what to do about it. He said, growing up, I dealt with the same bullshit that poor sap is going through. I always smelled musty. I could not wash it away no matter how often I showered. This is brutal. I feel bad for these people. I tried everything and finally realized it was antiperspirant. For some weird reason, my body reacted when I put it on and I smelled musty. I actually stopped wearing deodorant for a few weeks in the winter so I did not smell like a

complete savage. After that period of time, I began wearing deodorant only, skipping all brands with antiperspun. Happily, the stinky musty odor went away. Hope this works, you stinky fuck. Love the podcast. Your comedy and F is for family and go fuck yourself." Yeah, so basically what I got from that is maybe his body is having reaction to something that he is using, I don't know.

Because your body should sweat, it's the way to keep you cool, right? That's the whole point of sweating. So anti-perspirant. I know maybe people who sweat excessively, they don't wanna be sweating through their clothes or something. So I don't know, but it sounds like that person

should go to a doctor. Well, they haven't been able to figure out what's going on. And he's in Germany too. And those guys don't fuck around over there. They're very efficient. Yeah, no. I'm sure. Oh yeah.

I mean, the cars, the trains, the rocket side trick, you know. If everybody could just forgive him for that one crazy 10 year period. They got a little sideways. They'll never they'll never live it down. No, they can't. Sorry. You know what? It's on video. That's why, you know, other countries could do shit. And it happened before, like a certain something that happened in 1915

that we always see advertised. My vote, dear Bill, on Capitol Hill. I don't know what you're talking about. Well, you should. You know what, if there was movie cameras around you would. Movie cameras? Yep, motion picture things. Have you ever heard of Vermin Supreme? He's been on, I don't believe that this is somebody's name. I'm going to look this up before you guys make a fool of me, which is not hard to do. Why don't you read it first? Because then I start commenting and then halfway

through I realize it's a prank phone call. Vermin Supreme. It's coming up. Vermin Supreme. Vermin Supreme is an American performance artist and activist who has run as a candidate in very low various local states Okay, let me see what this what's up with this guy, okay, I never heard of this guy He's been on the ballot in New Hampshire and his platform has a lot to do with dental health He also has a plan in place for the zombie apocalypse which involves setting up thousands of treadmills to put the zombies on to help power the new world. He wears a giant boot on his head. Oh, I've seen this fucking guy, the boot, that's right. And carries around a rubber toothbrush.

Here's an article on him. He also has promised free ponies for everyone. Ooh. So he's a whack job. I don't know if he's a whack job because that's a really funny joke though. The zombies on the treadmill. Are you looking them up or are you texting? I was looking at Madonna photos.

Okay, we're back here? No, we've moved on. We've moved on, but I just was still looking at photos. I'm here. Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble. Do you know any new Madonna songs? And I feel.

I just said, I'm sorry. I did my fucking, I did. Do you need to do your vocal warmups? Yeah, this was not a good look at the Met Ball. It was just, I, yeah. Oh ladies, can we stick together? First of all, just because a woman is criticizing another woman. That I just got something I feel. Yeah, home. But no, it's not, I'm not being catty. She just, it's just so thirsty. It's just, I don't,

and I love Madonna, but this is just too much. Are you done? Yeah, I'm done. It makes me sad. I'm sure her kids enjoy it. Wife's family is a bunch of dramatic babies. Oh God. You're the baby.

Here we go. Hey Bill, I'm sick of this election. I hope Trump wins. I know he's a jerk, but I hate Hillary and And I think Bernie is a nice guy without a clue. He says a lot of great things, but he's going to raise taxes. He talks about making college free, but his taxes will make it hard. Nothing is free. Yeah, that's never going to happen.

But nothing, you know, free healthcare. It's not free. Somebody's got to fucking pay for it. He talks about making college free, but his taxes will make it harder for people like me to pay my student loans I make 95 grand a year. I have a kid hundred grand in student loans between me and my wife We live comfortably, but if you take another 2,500 to four thousand dollars from me a year. I will feel it. Yeah, definitely

I'm already only netting 60. What is the fuck is all of this? Yeah, what's the point? The family is a bunch of dramatic babies. All right, blah blah blah blah. Um... Okay, so we're getting to, we're getting to his family here somewhere. Okay. I'm not opposed to giving money to help people who need it, but when is enough enough enough a trillion dollars on dumb shit every year and you need more from me fuck off bernie i love how he's blaming bernie you know it bernie didn't create the fucking situation um he's trying to get us out of it i guess i don't know if it's going to work i don't think i mean i don't know if people work with the guy but oh god what a fucking decision this year um so i make this point to my wife my wife's family

I didn't yell I didn't say fuck off Bernie I just said I don't think we the people should have to give more money if they're wasting the money They already get well my wife's family lost their shit They said that I'm selfish and that if I vote for Trump I'm endorsing hate and greed and fascism. Really? They endorsed Obama and I have a problem with him hatefully blowing up kids and wedding parties with drones. Why doesn't that make them hateful? They then went on to talk about for 30 minutes about hate and how they were scared about what would happen to the country and they're scared about how children will grow up in a country with and I quote Hitler minus the

concentration camps. I told them that comparing an egomaniac to Hitler is unfair to the victims of the Holocaust. It trivializes the actual evil of Hitler embodied embodied her mother and father were both taken aback and said That my way of thinking could potentially be dangerous to their grandchildren What? Period the fuck period is going period on period. Well, you dope. Yeah, you fucking opened up I know fucking mouth about politics. I'm to talk about no he is and he's young he doesn't know Well, what's now, you know. That's well, now you know. Yeah.

And how did you learn? How did you learn? And how did I learn? By bringing it up and getting it to hold. By doing that. Yeah. This is the deal. So that's fair.

But yeah, you know, you can't talk about politics and religion and shit like that. Those are- I'm going to say it got, it got really heated right before they said that shit. Well, you can't, and also you just, you can't and also you just You can't I don't know you gotta be if you really are going to vote for Trump. I just I think there's only certain sections of The United States where you could say that where you'll get a yeah, I get it Oh, well, tell me more about your opinion. I feel like if you say, you know what fuck this I'm voting for Trump. Most people are gonna be like, are you fucking kidding me? So I'm not surprised at that, but no, I got a lot of shit when I was.

I made fun of him when, you know, I got some shit for it for making fun of Trump. Yeah. From who? People who support Trump. Oh, OK. Yeah. Believe it or not, there's people that I know. He has a lot more than I thought remember when he was first Talking about running and we're both like this is never gonna happen. This is a joke. This is ridiculous

And now here we are and he's like the only Republican left-standing. So I mean, I guess I Underestimated him. Yeah, he's like the last party. He's like the Leicester City of Politicians, but here's the thing though, I also think, but I think like, you know, Hillary Clinton is the fucking devil because she's acting like she gives a fuck and she's, you know, she's one of those Bilderberg people. I don't like her. I like Bernie out of all of them. I like Bernie Sanders.

I just don't think anybody's going to fucking work with. Well the California primary is coming up, so he's not throwing in the towel. Bernie, Bernie. Well, we got to vote in the primary. I have to vote for a guy, I have to vote for a person that I feel is actually, truly gives a shit about regular people. And that would be him, whether he's going to be successful or not. And I know what a lot of people say, you're going to put Trump in office.

I've always voted for the fucking third wheel every fucking goddamn time. Well, when the primary happens, we got to vote for him. That's the only way that he'll stand in the chair. Listen, I don't have to do anything that you say. But I don't know what I'm going to do. So basically this guy's in-laws hate him. Do you know what we just did? We just did what this guy did. Which is what? guys in laws hate him. Do you know what we just did? What's that? We just did what this guy did. Which is what?

We just fucking talked politics and gave endorsements to Bernie Sanders. We shouldn't have done that. I still haven't made up my mind that I'm going to do that. Why are we, we're giving endorsements just by talking about it? By saying that you're going to do it. Well, that's how I feel. We're like that guy that fuck, we're like those people that you see on Facebook and they go, hey, do you know me?

I pretend to be a doctor on a soap opera and I think this is who you should vote for. I apologize for that people. I try not to say that. Eventually it was going to come up. Yeah, no, we're not endorsing anybody. We're, well, let's just leave it at that. I'll tell you what, I'm endorsing a nice fucking cold Budweiser when I sit down to watch Game Five.

That's what I endorse. So what does he want to know? He's just sort of like, what the hell? Now my, now my in-laws don't want me to have children with my wife because they think I'm evil and they're going to, I'm going to raise a little evil Trumps. My thing about Trump is his fucking lack of compassion for fucking people. When you sit there and say, take his coat, you're like riling people up. Like that was just, he says the most, he says really, really awful things.

But the thing I like about him is he lets me know that they actually count the votes because no super rich people want that fucking guy. And I always thought for years, my conspiracy theorist, like they don't count these fucking things. They just, oh, it's pretty fucking close. And they put the money on both horses and then they're fucking fine. But the fact that he's actually doing well, he's speaking to a lot of people out there, Nidhi.

He's gonna build a wall and he's gonna have the people he's walling in pay for it. Telling you, he's talking mad shit. I don't know, I feel like all those years of watching The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice are now coming back to bite me in the ass. When he tried to find a CEO for a company that doesn't exist?

It's all coming back to bite me in the ass I've been supporting him this whole entire time I'm partly to blame for this bullshit so what is this kid look he can't be a complete moron what is this kid saying what is his point he just is no he's just saying what what the fuck so I was we just you will not talk about politics anymore around your in-laws. Yeah, tell you that much They said looking forward to seeing you in Dublin Myself and some friends that will be coming from Belfast. Well, I'm gonna be doing Belfast, too So you don't even yeah, you don't even need to do that

Yeah, we're putting together the dates like I'm definitely doing Dublin definitely doing Belfast Yeah, I'm doing a little 10-day tour over there doing Dublin, definitely doing Belfast. So exciting. Yeah, I'm doing a little 10-day tour over there because it's not a good time to go to Scandinavia this time of year because they actually have sunlight and it's warm out. Okay. So yes. When I usually, well, because they're going to want to be outside. Okay. Yeah. But yeah, if you go in December and it's already fucking dark. They go to movies and stuff still though, I would imagine, just because it's sunlight most of the time. Doesn't mean they're not. All right. Why would I listen to the promoters still though. I would imagine just because it's sunlight most the time doesn't mean all right Why would I listen to the promoters over there?

When is this happening I'm gonna go it's gonna be happening and did you like Think it's gonna start on the 31st and it's gonna go into August very excited about that exciting things are happening I love Ireland. You know, I love the people of Ireland Hey, look who you're with a little potato face himself here Advice with neighbors emotionally German of almighty Billy. I actually don't even know that cuz I have never done the whole But you've always you're always like a more German than Irish because I am German Irish Catholic Doesn't podcaster doesn't get any whiter. Doesn't get any dumber than that. Podcast doesn't get any whiter.

All right. Almighty Billy Ballbangs. All right. Advice with neighbors. Question. I live in an apartment complex here in the lovely state of Oklahoma and I have this neighbor who lets her dog out on her balcony every morning somewhere between the hours of 4 and 5 a.m.

The dog barks aggressively for hours afterwards. dog out on her balcony every morning somewhere between the hours of 4 and 5 a.m. The dog barks aggressively for hours afterward. Of course. It wakes me up. Poor thing. The dog, that is. And this poor bastard here. And this poor, and this poor.

Or lady. And this poor Oklahomian. Um. Oklahoman? Oklahomian? I don't know. I don't know. Uh, where am I?

Oklahoma-sexual? Oklahoma-, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma,

Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma,

Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, us the gay cowboy the gay cowboys the gay cowboys cutting-edge character that's the first gay cowboy ever in primetime in Primetime yes in primetime. Yeah during the lunch hour. It was just littered with them when I was growing up Those people on Captain Kangaroo, right Ernie and Burt is know what they said all those guys right all right question I live in an apartment complex here in the lovely state of Oklahoma. Okay, yeah. The dog barks aggressively for hours.

It wakes me up and I have to go to, I have to work at 8 a.m. I filed complaints after an altercation in which I went out and screamed, shut your fucking dog up before I make you shut him up. Well, was that your opening line? That's not- Or something along those lines. My message has not been heard by the apartment cunts and she continues to let the dog out What should I do? Sincerely a blue-collared working man. Just trying to get some fucking sleep. Who's your super?

Also st. Louis blues gave the stars a fucking molly whopping today. I hope you watched it. I missed that. Well, fuck you're in you're in Oklahoma, man. You know what you need to do. Take out your side iron. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah. Take the fucking dog out. Bill. Wow. I don't even joke about it with rubber bullets. Don't even joke about that. Who's your rubber bullets. Don't even joke about that.

Who's your super? You can't put rubber bullets in the gun. And every time the dog barks, every time the dog barks, you shoot it in its ass. And it starts, Oh, when I bark and then it'll shut up. No, you can't do that. You would get arrested for that. So why not? I would just go down.

I would buy a month's worth of cube steaks All right, why does it does the dog shit and piss on the balcony is that why she's letting it out there cuz that's gross I don't know but that is so fucking not acceptable cuz you know, it's probably the fucking dog It's up at 4 5 a.m. It's keeping her up. Mm-hmm I'm up so they oh my god. No, it's you got to call the landlord or something. Oh wait, did he say that they're not paying attention at the, like what do you say, it's not going over well with the people in the apartment? Well, he has, she just has a neighbor. I can't, I don't think, oh it's an apartment complex. Yeah, you got to say something to the management company. Well look, there's no fucking way he's the only person that's annoyed by this.

Of course. I would go around and I would get a bunch of signatures. And then I would, you know, try to have everybody all get together and say, uh, that bitch needs to shut the other bitch up. Oh Cleo! Oh, snookums. What's up? Yes, little baby.

How are you? It's time for this one, probably. Oh Cleo! Oh Snookum. What's up? Yeah, this little baby. How are you? It's time for this one probably to go out, speaking of all that. Alright, will you do that while I wrap up the podcast here? No, you take it out. I took it out twice already. Um, hey!

I was at Jacksonville this morning. That's my excuse. Alright, well that's going to be the uh... Go lay down. Wait, so we didn't offer any advice besides your horrible joking advice. Of course. I just said you get a bunch of signatures. He can't not signatures not going to do shit. You got to go to the management company and be like this dog is barking at four or five in the morning

every morning. No, he said he already did that. Oh, and they're not paying attention. He said he's in this fucking. So what do you think signatures are going to do? Hey technology like to hear about fun. Oh, that's not it. Oh Wait, I missed one He said I have this name I live in an apartment complex the dog barks I've I filed complaints yeah, like nothing's happening So you have to do this thing I'm not gonna pay my fucking rent there you go I'm not paying my rent till you get this woman to shut this damn dog up. Yeah, cuz it's not fair Yeah, how about that? She's lived there. That sounds like something an older person would do to just like put their dog out Balcony and just let it bark all morning because it probably goes out

Takes a piss takes your shit and then wants to come inside and meanwhile the owner has gone back to sleep. All right. Well, obviously I was joking. You don't shoot at the dog. No you don't. All right. That's right, Cleo. Here's the other one.

All right. Virtual reality headset blowjob. All right. virtual reality headset blowjob. All right. I know you hate technology, but would like to hear your opinion on this. My girlfriend half jokingly promised me a double blowjob for my 30th birthday. I do not expect this to happen, but I have been joking with her that the date is approaching and she should have a girl lined up, etc. I have also been talking about virtual reality slash VR headset as I'm thinking of getting one. I don't know what that is.

Yeah, what is that? She asked me the other day, would I be able to watch porn through it? I said yes. She then said, instead of the double bi, why don't you wear the headset and I can give you normal bi while watching a porno. Wait, what are you saying? Bi? Bi? Oh, BJ. Yeah. Oh, you know what? It was underlined in red so I couldn't see the bonaparte. I was like,

what is this bi? Oh my god. Your reading skills are atrocious. Yeah and bi would actually mean that there would be a guy and a girl doing it. I was even, I was thinking about like his girlfriend would be like bi because she was down there with another chick. I am stupid. See this people? You two could be successful in life. You're dumb as me. She then, she then instead, instead of a double BJ, let me read this again. Wow. Why don't you wear a headset and I can give you a normal BJ while watching a porno. Why can't you do that now with a TV? Crazy. Because I feel like when they, that's some like weird Tron futuristic shit

where you put it on and it's like you're in it. Is this opening Pandora's box or is this a way for VR to be seen as a techie sex toy? You are really asking the wrong person that question. You know Bill doesn't know what the fuck any of this is. Looking forward to see you in Dublin. Myself and some friends will be coming from Bel... Oh, this is the... That was the one, okay. Is this the same?

No, I read the ending to the other one, to that one. And it was weird because the ending was in front of the other one. Oh, fuck you and fuck everybody else. Oh my God. It's all funny. It's all funny games until I stop podcasting. Huh? I've had enough of this. Oh, yeah, big. It's all funny. It's all fun and games until I stop podcasting. Huh? Oh, I've had enough of this. Sensitive BB. Um, no, I'm not. I don't care. Um,

it is a slippery slope, but I feel like that could be really kind of cool. Does she get to do it too? Like, does she get to watch some porn while you like go down on her? That would be really trippy. It would be trippy. But the thing is then then when ends up happening is is then you end up getting like That that disconnect right now. You don't want to do anything. That's one of you is wearing the helmet. Yeah It's weird. Oh my god. I have to like see you so that's like it's a dangerous. Yeah Yeah, that's like one of those things like do you think I could do heroin once and like Be alright with that. No, I saw something. Trying to think where I saw it. Saw what? In one of those Asian countries, because they're

always ahead of us, they have better cell phones. There was a guy trying out like a virtual reality sex suit, which I had a bit on this thing in like the Late 90s when I first heard that they were gonna do that And by the way, the fact that you haven't already called me outgoing like well bill How did you just stumble upon this? I'm dead honest what I don't remember I was waiting for the rest of the story because I felt like there was it could have been while I was watching internet porn probably Yeah, but they don't have advertising the story because I felt like there was more to this. It could have been while I was watching internet porn. Probably. Yeah, but they don't have advertisers for that. It was like a story.

Yeah, they do. On the side of the thing. They have all those ads. And how do you know that? Yeah, right back at you. Moving right along. So, yeah, but they don't have ads like that. Right, that's true.

Well, this is what it was. It looked like a fucking dude. He was like in a mummy dude. He was like in like a mummy suit. It was hilarious. It was all wrapped up in toilet paper. That's how I remember it, because it was so horrifying. It was just it was one of those things, whatever I was looking at, that then came up and I went, well, right.

He was and it looked like. His hands went to his side. He had on the fucking, you know, I'm old and I can't see anymore. Those glasses, those cataract glasses from the drugstore. Yeah. So he had on those. I think he was all wrapped up because he didn't want anybody to see who he was. Yeah. Maybe that's what it was.

Okay. And then there was this thing, obviously his dick was in it. And it just the same way your hand would be going like bang bang bang bang against yourself. It was this thing. It was the most fucked up thing ever. Would you ever use one of those flesh bot things? You know how porn stars they get a mold of their vagina? Those things are so fucking gross.

I think those things are so fucking gross. You would never try it? I think those things are so fucking gross. A long time ago I did somebody's podcast, I'm not going to say who, but people who listen to podcasts know who it is. He had one of those things and it looked like some Jeffrey Dahmer body part. Oh, I think I know automatically who you're talking about. Just sitting, I don't think you do. Because I know who you're going to guess, but it wasn't that person. Oh.

No, it just looked like... And did he say that it didn't feel like a real... It can't feel like a real vagina, obviously, but like... It's just... I can't believe that it doesn't... Shit like that doesn't cause you to either become like a necrophiliac or some sort of person. A necrophiliac? Why would it make you be a necrophiliac?

Because you're fucking something that looks looks like a body part and it's not alive. Well like women have like dildos and vibrators and stuff and it's like the same sensation. So why wouldn't one of those fleshbot things feel like isn't it kind of the same principle? Is this like another Madonna Iggy Pop thing? Am I looking at it the wrong way? Maybe no, I don't think no, I don't think you're looking at it. I remember me a back in the day I just think you don't like the idea of a fake vagina That's how you don't you're not comfortable just sitting on a table and it has a handle on it and I'm holding it No, I think that's not your thing. You're not into that feels like Henry portrait of a serial killer. I

Remember back in the day right when you actually had to go to a porno store to get your porn Mm-hmm, and they had like, you know, I was always behind the counter and they would have shit up there They had this it was like what's in the box It was literally a head in a box. And the chick's mouth was like, like you just stick your dick in it. And I'm like, somebody's going to buy that. Yeah. It was in like the same box, like a basketball came in.

It's someone's going to take it and grab it by its fucking ears that are stuck to the side of its head and they're just going to go home and fuck a head. Yeah. Just a head. Now there's no fucking way that that doesn't fuck you up psychologically. head and they're just gonna go home and fuck a head. Just a head. Now there's no fucking way that that doesn't fuck you up psychologically. If you do that long enough, then you go out with a real person. It's already annoying that they have to buy you dinner and that there's a whole body attached

to it. And you have to talk to it. Yeah. And then all they're thinking of just grabbing you by your ears. What a, what a, what a, what a a it's over. Yeah, it's fucked up. Well, I still feel like we'll going back to the question. I feel like they can experiment with it like once or twice, but it can't be like a regular thing that they're doing all the time because then yeah, that'll completely fuck up your sex life. Because then you'll just be looking at everything you do. Like it's supposed to be this hyper reality, dual reality, virtual.

It's just not good. You know, I was just thinking, let's just fast forward here. Okay. Now, so that becomes the thing, which you know, it's gonna, People are gonna do it. And then what it's gonna become is porn stars will be making all of that fucking money. And it basically, you have a girl fucking, now that'd probably just be like the whole suit. It's eventually just gonna be the whole suit, right? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about like in the future, like when everybody has like a virtual reality sex suit, this will actually help the population problem, right? The virtual reality sex suit. Okay. And then porn stars will then have their likeness. They'll do a POV porn and then they get money and then you have to like subscribe to that. So you can do, like you can do a virtual reality thing where you actually get to have sex with like Asa Akira. And then here's what happens. Yeah. Okay.

Who's going to be the first celebrity that crosses over and eventually, right? Because they're sick of doing superhero movies and they don't want to do the grunt work of an independent. Because like you notice now they're all doing ads over here. Back in the day all the celebrities did ads but they did them overseas, right? Remember we used to go over and we'd go, oh look at so and so doing a fucking watch thing or look at her doing this thing. But they'd never do them here because there was that whole stigma that if you did a commercial you're a sellout blah blah whatever fuck it was or it's like you're doing a commercial you're a movie star movie

stars not even on TV forget about doing an ad now that all went away you know so I'm saying eventually somebody famous would do it right you could yeah get a suit and program it so that you're having sex with like Lindsay Lohan or someone. Right. And the first level will go down. No, I would be like one of those reality TV show stars. Right. You know, when the reality show goes off the air, like Jersey Shore, they were all fucking huge. Now it's just disappeared. Where the fuck are they?

Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. You could probably talk a couple of them into doing it. Right. Are we pitching a show right now? I think, or some kind of like high tech concept that will probably make a lot of money that's going to end up.

It sounds like a movie. It sounds like like a, what was this is what's going to happen? You're going to have these self-driving fucking cars. You're going to have self-driving fucking cars and people will be laying in them in virtual reality suits, having sex with any famous person they want to. Right. And they'll have like, because you don't need a steering wheel or gas or virtual reality suits having sex with any famous person they want to. Right. And they'll have like because you don't need a steering wheel or gas or brake or

anything anymore, you literally like your suit in there. And then when you're done, you roll over from that seat into like another like like a freshen up like tub or some shit. We're I think we're totally going in that direction. I think you're right. We'll we'll we'll see it in the next generation. Before it was just, yeah, the flesh bought stuff where just the mold of the vagina or the dick or whatever. And then it's going to be this virtual, it'll be super expensive at first. It's going to go into a complete, it's going to be like when flat screen TVs first came out and they're 14 grand. So don't buy the first virtual reality sex

suit. Wait till they like, they come down to like 800 bucks at Best Buy. Then you get them, right? Should we figure out how to make this technology and just like patent it? That's how we'll make our fortune. Yeah, we're going to figure out how to do that. I can't even read copy. But no, we're calling it. That's what's going to happen.

I'm already selling right now with these self-driving cars like the interiors of cars what they're gonna have now They're gonna have office ones. They're gonna have sleeper ones. People just want to sleep going to work They're gonna have ones to catch up on your emails and all of that type of shit Yeah, the different you can those that'll be like the different the social one different, that'll be like the different, the social one, the social and office one, all of that type of, I don't know. And then eventually it's going to be like, well, why are you even going to work now? Because everything's automated and then there's robots, right?

And then one day the whole fucking thing just turns on us. What if there was a company like in some place really random, not really random, like a Japan or something like that. By the way, neither one of us is high right now. No, not at all, completely that high. The middle of the day, never been more sober. What if there was a company somewhere in like, I don't know, not Japan, but like Eastern Europe that said, we wanna do this deal with you

where we have these like sex dolls with your face on them and they offered you like what me yeah an insane amount of money no no to do it no and you could buy a bill burr sex doll do you realize the photoshop's i'm gonna get and i'm gonna have to retweet now you asshole you're right shit, I know. You're right. Shit. Oh, they're going to be horrifying. But hilarious. Like a Bill Burr assistant. Would you do it?

Yeah. They come out of like somewhere random, like, you know, Norway or just something or like, you know, one of those. Some place random like Norway. I love Norway. That's not random enough. Like, you know, Turkmenistan or one of those fucking places. I'm not even saying it right, but just a random little pocket That was just like you know

We have five million dollars said we want to make sex No, you wouldn't go for can you imagine that phone call out of nowhere no no I wouldn't I Would know I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't. No, I know you wouldn't. Well, yeah, I would think so. How the fuck did we get all the way over here? See, this is why I love the questions. Great questions. Because of the person in their virtual blow job or in their buy, according to you.

I never claimed to be smart since the beginning of these podcasts. I don't know. I don't claim to be smart since the beginning of these podcasts. I don't know. I, I, I, I, I don't claim to be smart. And with that, go fuck yourselves. Sorry, the podcast was so late. I was flying back from Jacksonville, as I mentioned several times, several times, I complained about it. And I'll be checking it on you on Thursday. I'll see you. Go Blue! I'm gonna be a good boy. So Thanks for watching!