Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-1-17

Episode Date: June 1, 2017

Bill rambles about taking care of yourself, how to watch baseball and Tiger Woods.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. That's right. I'm not yelling it. I'm fucking up my voice doing that every goddamn week. I'm starting to drink Throat Coatee. I need to take care of myself in this next chapter as I peel off another layer of the

onion. Whatever stupid artistry thing. No, I've just decided, you know, few people in my life. You know, I'm kind of seeing it. I'm seeing it. I'm seeing what living a certain lifestyle leads to. And I'm like, you know what? I need to clean up my act a little bit.

All right. It's time to grow up. And so one of the first things I'm going to do, I'm not cutting out the booze. I'm just going to stop yelling. I'm checking in on you. You know, it's baby steps, you know, when I'll gradually work towards laying off the heroin, you know, but I like it. It helps me.

Helps me go to sleep. You know, the amount of times that I always want to take a nap when I'm standing up outside in public, and I just can't do it because my mind just won't shut off. You know, that's, that's when the heroin comes in. That's when it comes into play. You're going to have to listen to my phone ding dong and cause I got a phone call coming up and I don't want to miss it here. Um, anyways, let me see here.

Uh, Jesus. Now I'm going to be looking at text message messages, messages while I'm trying to do this podcast. This is really going to fuck with my ADD here. How's your week going? I'm going to tell you something right, oh, but oh, Billy Boo's bag. All right. I had, I had family in from back east.

Some of you guys guessed the movie by the way. Um, it's something you do with a car. You can't figure it out now. I can't help you. Um, and what I love is now everybody knows what the movie is, but they're still going to take and treat me like, is it, is it, you know, the long, long, long trip. The trailer starring Lucille ball. Um, why don't you guys ask me if it's every other movie that you can do with the car other

than the one you know it is? How about that? How about switching it up a little bit? Is it Herbie goes to Monte Carlo? You know, I realized all these years I've been using that as a reference, like, because it's the one of the first or second movie I saw, I saw for the love of Benji. Then I saw Herbie goes to Monte Carlo and my mother was just like, my mother told me, you know, I just, those kids movies were stupid.

I wasn't going to take it any more of those, you know, basically there wasn't anything there for her and she just was looking at it like, you know, there's really nothing here for these kids. It's a fucking talking car. It's a talking dog. You know, how long are we going to keep the lie going? All right. The fat fuck doesn't come down the chimney.

Dogs don't talk and the VW Beetle, it's an, it's an economical car, but you know, at the end of the day, it's not respected. So that's it. Let's go see stripes. Um, anyways, uh, completely forgot what the fuck I was going to say there. How the fuck did I get to that? I have no idea. Do I need to go on, and I need to play some brain games.

Is that what it is? What the fuck was, oh, eating more healthy. I don't know what it is. Oh yeah. Oh, I remember the family back east. I got it. I got it. We're back.

Right. It's awesome. When he flips out screaming and yelling, now God damn it. I'm not fucking reading about a fucking dog died. You know, this is basically like those outtakes, except I don't edit them out. And I also don't have his iconic success. Yeah. Other than that, I think it's the exact same thing.

But anyways, I had family come in the family, killed me in Prumbiakish twice in this past month and, um, I had to take them out to the spots. We had to drink a little toast for the little one, uh, little Nene, dude, she's laughing her ass off now. It's the greatest thing. It's the greatest thing ever. Um, could not be in a joint more and it's June's first. And for the first time in my life, I'm someone can actually look at me and say happy father's

day. Right. And I don't have to be like, oh my God. In what comedy club did you work? How old is it? Um, anyways, no, I was never like that on the road. I was a good boy, sort of. I had my moments.

Anyways, plowing ahead here. Um, so because they came in, I kind of got off my diet. I was still doing the cardio every day. So I stepped on the scale and the unacceptable second number in my world is eight. Okay. If it's ever a nine, I'm telling you right now, I'm going to jump off a fucking building. Um, I won't do that. I'll just buy really comfortable.

I'll keep wearing the golf clothes that I wear. They'll just get bigger, you know, I was getting to the John daily line. Um, so, uh, I'm back on it. I'm back on it and jumped on the scale today. 178.8 still unacceptable. I have been having the worst fucking time trying to get down to my fighting weight. I wanted to be 172 by my birthday, my 49th, the end of the 40s, wrapping it up. If I was a professional athlete, I would be 10 years retired unless I was Tom

Brady with my sinewy muscles or whatever the fuck he's doing with his spongy muscles. Um, I don't know what he's doing. Sorry, I'm drinking the throat code. Oh, Jesus, Bill, you're just annoying on so many different levels today. I apologize. Um, so anyways, I'm just, I'm going to try to just lay off the booze for a little bit. Um, I'm going to San Francisco, uh, this weekend and, uh, I'm working with fucking my Dino, my Dean Martin, Joe de Rosa.

Okay. So that's going to be, that's going to be a mulligan that night. Joe, my friendship with Joe de Rosa and his friendship with me, he's one of the great friendships in show business history and it's all, it's all alcohol fueled. You know, I don't think we've ever hung around each other sober. And I don't think that I got to get him on the podcast. I really got to get old fucking Joe de Rosa, whatever his background is, Egyptian, Italian, he doesn't know that man was left at a doorstep of a funny bone way

back in 1977, I believe he showed up on a nowhere, a baby. Nobody wanted. He came out of the womb already wearing those dark framed glasses. Um, that's sad. That's sad. Um, anyways, plowing ahead. I'm sure I'm going to hear about that from old Joey. Um, I'm guessing two drinks in.

Thank you. There was something I want to talk to you about. It's, I know you were just joking, but you know, to bring that up, it's really, um, fuck him. He trashed my dog on stage. Oh, that's coming out fourth drinking. I'm trying to guess where the argument's going to come from this weekend. Why drink with Joe?

We really don't argue anymore. Once I discovered fair enough, you know, I grew up a little bit. He grew up a little bit. And that's all we did. We start to argue. And then one of us just goes, Hey, fair enough. We laugh and it just diffuses everything. Fair enough.

Fair enough can stop wars. You know what I mean? This is our borderline. Now we think it's that, Hey, fair enough, fair enough. I understand why you would think that, but I mean, you know, fair enough. Well, are you going to give it to us? Well, yeah, I didn't say that. Well, I'm going to fucking start shooting.

I think fair enough. Yeah, that's what you feel you need to do. It just diffuses the other guy and then the other guy standing there going like, no, you're supposed to, you're supposed to get mad. Then you get mad and I get mad and then I lie to my people and you lie to your people, we dehumanize each other and then we start shooting. Stop saying fair enough. All right, fair enough.

Anyways, anybody watch the, the penguins versus the fucking predators? I'll tell you something about these, these, these penguins from Pittsburgh is they know how to fucking win a goddamn series. Jesus Christ, the predators in an O two hole, for those of you bad at math, when it's best four out of seven, you're down O two. That means you have to win four of the next five. Oh, the coach isn't going to tell you that. What's he going to say?

All right, guys, all right, boys, we've got to take it. One game at a time. Okay, these guys crossed the hall in that locker room and they put their skates on one, one boot at a time. Okay, we've got to start winning the battles. Take it one period of time. Um, dude, they are beating the shit out of Sydney Crosby, this playoff series, this playoff, just this, this, this playoff run.

I don't know what he did to the refs, but they had done protecting that guy. They're slashing them. They're hooking them. They're fucking hitting them in the head. Anything that they can do, um, I don't know. I think that they, uh, they, they should have brought a goon up or something. Somebody to do something. I don't know.

But anyways, how about fucking Malkin's goal? Absolute fucking sniper, you know? And I know that they, uh, pulled old pedo to there, whatever his fucking name is. For some reason I can't remember his goddamn name. Pekarina, what the hell is his name? Uh, Jesus, I can't cocksuck. I can't remember. It's something about a dick is the, is the president.

I fucking watched every game and I still can't remember his name. The fuck is his name? Is it Pekarina? Was that the guy from San Jose? Was he on San Jose? And then he went to Nashville. You know, once I stopped collecting cards, you know, and I turned to Scotch. I just never been able to, I've never been able to handle the names anymore.

But anyways, I don't give a fuck who you are. Ken Dryden, Patrick Waugh, Terry Sarchuk, nobody stops that fucking puck. That was an absolute filthy, filthy fucking goal. Um, so my prediction way back in the day, what did I say? What did I say before I flip flopped and said, oh, it was gonna, was gonna win game seven. Before I did that, I said the penguins were going to win the whole thing. So when it happens, I'm going to ignore the fact that I thought Ottawa was going to come back and win game seven because I was questioning the goaltending in Pittsburgh.

I'm going to ignore all of that. And I'm going to pull up Paul Verzi and say, dude, what did I say? Dude, I called it. Um, just out of, uh, you know, jealousy, I want to, uh, I want to see the predators tie up this series, not jealousy, just thought of like selfishness. I want to see the, um, the NHL season go as many games as possible. But, uh, though I tell you right now, the way the penguins are playing, uh, I mean, I don't even see this going back to Pittsburgh.

Uh, we'll see something incredible has to, how about the, I don't know who the fuck shot the goal that baby face kid there. I mean, I, that was like the, the puck had eyes. It like there was one little fucking just puck sized space for a split second between old, uh, peck of penis there, whatever his name is. It just opened up for half a second. And the puck literally turned sideways like some matrix shit and went in the car. I remember when I, when I saw it live, I was like, how the fuck did that go in?

I don't know, man. I'll tell you the hockey gods are smiling down in Pittsburgh right now. Um, who knows, we'll see what sort of home, home ice advantage they have. But, uh, and also the NBA playoffs, not playoffs, the, uh, final starts tonight. Is that the NBA finals and the Stanley cup final? Or is it the Stanley cup finals and the NBA final? I think it's the NBA finals. Um, every time I say something stupid, my phone rings, that's it right there.

Does a little thing. All right. I have a call here and fucking, uh, let's see, 10 minutes, 10 minutes. So I'm going to have to hit pause here. It's not going to matter to you guys because I'll just pick it up. You know, not going to be 10 minutes of silence. Like I'm trying to do some artsy.

Um, that starts tonight. Um, I don't know. I don't have a feeling on this one. I want the Cavaliers to win. Um, I want the Cavaliers to win because I still feel it like they don't get their respect. People aren't talking about them like they're the defending, like they are the defending NBA champions and it's because Durant went to the Warriors. I think that that's why nobody seems to be able to talk about it.

You know what I mean? Just to be able to see like, Hey, not for nothing. These guys beat those other guys last year. So I hope they keep disrespecting them because I always root against the Pylon team. You know, I even did it with the Red Sox in 2007. I, I just, I don't even think I watched the World Series. I mean, obviously I was happy that we won. Obviously I'd rather see us win than the fucking Colorado Rockies.

But I, I was just like, this is, that's not competition. You know, having said that, having said that, when the, uh, when the base, when the basketball and hockey season ends, okay, I'm getting the MLB package and I'm watching my $210 million Red Sox who are in second place, three games behind me. In second place, three games behind the evil empire that has nothing but their own homegrown talent. And I'm going to watch that collision course and see how that goes. I, I've learned this is what you have to do. If you're a sports fan with some family back east is the baseball is such a great sport.

But the problem is, is the first, almost the first half of the season is the most exciting time in basketball and hockey and your emotions as a fan are so heightened. Even if your team is out of it, just to watch, you know, there's always something great happens in the, in the final, unless, you know, the fucking ref called 38 files on one team and 15 on the other, then it sucks letting it go. And then all of a sudden it's over. And then you're settling in, just a bit outside, a beautiful day for a ball game. I'll tell you, his on base percentage is 645 and he's really seeing the ball right now.

I kept you playing the game. What was it like when you just, when you hit a zone like this? Well, I'll tell you, you know, when you hit a zone like this, I mean, that ball, I mean, your eyes are as big as Christmas and that, I mean, it's just, it's like you can't, you just sticking the bat out there and the ball's going where it wants to go. But, you know, and what do you, how do you, how do you try to, how do you try to stay in that zone? How do you try to, try to keep it going? Well, you know, it's one of those things you can't control. You just, you learn as,

as you mature as a player to just try to enjoy those moments and, well, you know, you hope it goes as long as it can, but eventually it is going to swing back to the other way and you just hope that that's as, you know, that the slump doesn't last as long. So, you know, you could keep your house in that gold ding and whore that you met in Tulsa when you were coming up in AAA that you knocked up and you don't really love, but you like her. You're hanging in there for the kid. You know, you got to settle into that. So what you need to do is, what you got to just immediately, you got to slow everything the fuck down. And what you have to do is you got to watch a day game. You got to keep score while you smoke a

cigar. You know, you get your lineup. You get it all ready to go. You just fucking sit there and you like the cigar about the third inning, you know, and you just sit there and you fucking, maybe even on the radio, listen to it on the radio and you just, it's like sports yoga. You just have to totally just calm your mind, fucking relax and then slide into the dog days of baseball, right? And then you ride that out for about six weeks. And then all of a sudden, it's NFL preseason. All right. And as the preseason comes along, you're excited about football because every week's excited because they only play 16 games, right? But baseball is also ramping up. So then when September comes along, it's like April, May, June with basketball and hockey,

because now it's like you're so excited. Oh, fuck, NFL football, college football, it's coming back. I have a reason to live, right? And the baseball race is heating up before you go in with Joe Buck and all the great October baseball. That's how you do it. All right. So these next six weeks after the finals are over, you know, I'm telling you, I'll walk you through it on the podcast. You know, you pick a couple of alternative sports. Maybe you watch a little Roland Garris, a little Wimbledon. You get into Formula One, maybe a little MotoGP, right? I don't know what the fuck you got to do. It's not my business. It's none of my business. What time is it? 9.55. Let's see if I can read advertising in five minutes. I don't think I can do it,

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everybody said was arrested for drinking and driving blew a 0.0. 0.0. Jesus Christ, here's another one. Hang on a second. Hello. Oh man, those are two fun interviews. I just talked to a guy who goes by lights, camera, Jackson. How do you not love that guy? That is old school showbiz. How do you ever forget that name? Lights, camera, Jackson. All right, let me type this in here. The family back east. My fucking password. Why won't you work for me? Why won't you work for me? You know what's funny is somebody has enough time at some point to fucking splice together every time I'm trying to fucking put together my password. By the way, Tiger Woods blew a 0.0. The dude was on pills. You know what I mean? The level of shit that that guy sacrificed his fucking body

to become great. Now his body's breaking down and everybody's blaming it on the fact that he cheated on his lady, right? And that's what did him in. His laser focus. He couldn't block out the fat. The first two years. Yeah, I'm sure it bugged him. But I mean, at some point you move on, right? His body, they said it from the very beginning. They said the way he swings the club, his body's going to break down at some point. So now look at him. Now look at him. You know, he's trying to come back. He's on all these painkillers. He wants to win another one probably before he hangs it up and goes to the senior tour. He's doing what he has to do. These fucking drugs that you can get nowadays are completely out of control. When I was a kid,

when a drug came out, bare or any of this shit, they didn't have 9,000 side effects. What happened was people used to be in the pharmaceutical industry, got into the fucking FDA, and they're the ones who police the pharmaceutical companies, and those cunts just waved everything around like the third base coast that lost his vision. Right? So then they let opiates into the fucking world. Now you got a goddamn heroin epidemic. Okay. And now Tiger Woods is taking too many of those fucking things and he pulls over to the side of the road and everybody's saying it's because he did the fucking blonde hair, blue-eyed woman who evidently is a saint who took his fucking, his master's money, bought a giant house, knocked the fucking thing down to buy something else.

Where did all that material go? Where did all those fucking gold-plated toilets go? They went right into the fucking ocean. You know? But she's a victim. Oh, give me a break. That's it for the podcast. Signing off. No, I'm fucking with you. I'm just trying to energy my way through the last bit of this. What else do I have here to talk about? Oh, you know who has a great new bit? New bit. I brought his name is Charlie. Charlie Watts, drummer for the Rolling Stones, has a great new book out that it's just drummers that influenced him. And if you're a drummer and you're into that shit because he's, I guess, a jazz drummer at heart, he talked about all these fucking great drummers that I've heard most of the names and didn't know enough about him and the

fact that he could break down their styles and what they did has made me, I was already listening to a lot of that shit through some of my drum lessons, but really just trying to listen to the shit that he's saying. It's a great book. Let me look it up here. I'm going to fucking hype this book here. We've been trying to get Charlie Watts on this podcast for a long time. I know he doesn't do a lot of interviews, but I know he'd want to come on my podcast. I'm joking. Charlie Watts book. Let's see what we got here. Charlie. The fucking internet works in two rooms in my fucking house. I spent all this money. Can you give me the nuclear level fucking internet so I can somehow beat out my neighbors and, you know, it works for a little while. Then that's it.

When we saw Charlie Watts, 10 things you didn't know about Charlie Watts. Why no books about Charlie Watts? You know, I'm usually good about Charlie Watts books, drummers, influence, book. You know, I nailed the John Daly search the last time. Come on, for fuck's sakes. Oh, Charlie Watts favorite drummer. So it did come up. Dude, you can get it for 12 bucks, $12 and 37 cents. Whiplash, the film that puts the drummer in the limelight. Did I ever tell you guys how much I fucking hated that movie? I just hated watching somebody getting berated. It's just like fucking quit. Go join another band. Why would you sit there taking that level of shit from the guy?

And then not to mention the kid's fucking technique. You had to look away when he was fucking playing real fast. He's making those faces. You could just feel the guy's forearms tighten up this guy. This guy's going to have carpal tunnel trying to please this complete cunt. You know, and I got to tell you, the best drums from that year was not in that movie. As great as the drums were, the best fucking drums and some of the best drums I've heard in the movie, a mainstream movie in a long fucking time was that Michael Keaton movie. What the fuck was that movie where he was the former superhero, the bird. Do you know how long I watched that movie before I realized that was him in the costume talking to himself? Spoiler

alert. All right, Michael Keaton. I'm just going to write bird. I fucking spell his name. I've only been watching his movies for 30 fucking years, Bill. Jesus Christ. Michael Keaton bird, bird man. Yo, bird man. Five four. Who the fuck is the drummer in that? I know I talked about that before. The drums in that movie are fucking incredible. It's like, like that. That's just a whole other level of drumming with that guy is like, he's playing like moods as opposed to just playing 90 million miles an hour all over the kid. The guy is he's creating peaks and valleys. I mean, that was like a, that was literally a movie score just done with drums. I mean, how many people can have that level of talent?

I can tell you right now, I know I don't. I already knew I didn't. And for the last three weeks, because I've been so damn busy, I've just been playing like, you know, not on a real drum kit, you know, little practice pad kit that I was playing on. And I thought I was, you know, I thought I was doing something. And then I went down and I played on a real fucking kit and Jesus Christ, everything that you think you can, you can do drops by like 50 BPMs. You know, it'd be basically like if you were just jogging on a treadmill being like, wow, man, I can run a seven minute mile. Then you go out to run down the street, you know, and you forgot about hills and shit. And all of a sudden, you know, you can't run a seven minute mile anymore.

Even if it was flat, flat level, okay, even if it was flat level, all of a sudden you run like a fucking 11 minute mile. That's what it was like. It was extremely fucking disheartening. And I'm doing the comedy jam this weekend up in San Francisco for clusterfest, which is just completely like one of the biggest, I don't know how they afforded to get all of those comedians and bands and all of that. They must have had a lot of ad money. Somebody's doing something to establish that comedy festival going, we're going to go fucking, you know, $9,000,000 in the hole to start it out. But you might want to go this year because they're going big. Oh, I almost forgot before I sign off here. Thank you to everybody who's been watching season two of F is for Family.

Got nothing but great reviews. You know, there's always a couple of Conti ones. What are you going to do? But overall, you guys not only like it, but you're saying you think it's even better than the first season, which for the amount of work that we put in to hear that kind of feedback, you know, I know I'm a jerk a lot. That really means a lot to me. So thank you guys for not only watching it. Thank you for the people that took the time to let me know how much you enjoyed it. Please let other people know about it. The more the people know about it, the more people watch it and the better chance we have of possibly getting a third season. And that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Have a great weekend. Your cunts there and is a little bit of music

from Andrew Themolus. And then we'll play a little half hour of some greatest hits from the Thursday or the podcast or whatever for the Thursday gone by maybe a Monday morning. I don't know what we're doing. All right. That's not my part of the podcast. All right. I'll talk to you on Monday. All right. This is the longest fucking revenge story I think I've ever read. Let me see if I can see if I can fucking just I'm going to I'm going to read that one next week when I have the energy. All right. Questions. All right. Bill, I have a question for you. I was hoping you might be able to shine some insight on this. I have this great friend that that's a girl mistake. And we get along great

and we have never had any sort of sexual tension fucking up or interest despite her being attractive. All right. Dude, right there. You're either gay or you're an idiot and I'm giving you some tough love here. That's a fucking stupid situation to be involved in. That's stupid. All right. Unless you're using her to attract other females to get you fucking late. Let's see if this is the case. I will continue reading. So she has this smoking hot friend. Oh, there we go. That I'd met a few times and always flirted with but but it's just been overall friendly. So this chick calls me up one night and I'm at the bar at like midnight and asked if I want to stay up drinking with her and she come pick me up. So obviously I agree. Things go very good and we have a few drinks and flirt

and when I make my move, she gets all upset. Like I should have known she just wants to be friends when she calls me up at midnight to say to stay up drinking with her alone. After the incident, the bitch still has the balls to sleep to ask to sleep over. Since then, I have noticed all her friends are trying to be my friend when all I want to do is rail the shit out of them. Bill, I was hoping you could you should you could shine some light on the situation and help me out. Yeah, dude. Never have a friend as a as a female. You know, you always got to be fucking them. That's the only reason to be around them. You know, I know that sounds really sexist, but you know, I just I'm speaking from me. There's no

fucking point in hanging out with that level of frustration. If you're not having sex with them and if they're actually like a good friend, then that's the one that you should I mean, that's the ultimate if you're banging them and they're also a great friend. That's the one you marry because you got a connection there, right? But if you just I mean, they're using you as like a live teddy bear. And yeah, the next time they call up just be like, No, I'm not I can't hang out tonight. Why? What are you doing? I'm going to go out and try to get some ass tonight. I know I'm not getting any from you. And it's frustrating because you're hot. And I want to bend you over every piece of fucking furniture in my apartment. I can't believe you said that. Yeah, well, I just

did. Are you going to come over here and fuck me? Well, then great, I have to go. Why are you being so mean? I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. Okay, many times I've jerked off to you. It's fucking and it's annoying that you just you just I'm telling you like that's a little aggressive. But that's what you have to start doing. You just have to be straightforward and honest and don't do it like I just said it do it if do it how you can do it and pull it off and you just say it like that just be like, Yeah, I want to go out. I want to try to get laid tonight. Alright, and I go out with you and you're not fucking me and then other girls see me with you and they think that I am fucking you which I'm not and I end up going home dry humping my futon, you know, and it's really

fucking with my self esteem. Okay, so that's it. So basically, what are you saying? You're saying that if I don't suck your cock, you don't want to hang out with me? Yes, that is what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Your conversations are awful. You know, I'm sure they're interesting to other females, but not to me. I don't want to I don't want to talk about that shit. I can give a shit about the hills, the OC, the ocean or whatever the fuck out of the stupid show you I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I want to fuck you. Okay, it's world's right there. You know what it is? You ever see what watch the World Series of poker when you go all in? That's what you do. Just say what the fuck you want to do. You push all your chips in, then you stand up

and you start walking around you wait for that next card to drop. See what the fuck happens. Yeah, dude, that's my advice. Get out of that whole circle of he's like a big teddy bear. Fuck that. Fuck that. All right, you're not a teddy bear. Well, you are one right now. You got to stop being that guy. So fuck all of them. Go where are your guy friends? What are they doing? Go hang out with them. Go get a fucking wingman. Get yourself back in the game and go out there talk some shit. Hit on some girl you don't give a fuck about so you can practice not giving a fuck and just say a bunch of shit that you would never say to some girl that you gave a shit about and because you don't give a fuck if the girl says no, start with that. You know, always wear a condom and that's

it. That's what I would do. That's what I should have done. I didn't. I just have that knowledge now because I'm fucking. Have I ever been the funeral? I was never the friend, but I was definitely the douchebag. I was definitely the not even pussy whipped. Wasn't even pussy whipped. It was just I couldn't fucking speak up for myself. I was afraid of having a confrontation. And then by the time I had the final confrontation, I was like, it was like fucking a year with the shit and we broke up. But that's a whole nother story. Hey, what's up everybody? It's Bill Burr. This is the Monday morning podcast that I'm recording for the third time this week, praying and hoping against hope that Gcast will actually upload

this one because I've already spent 90 minutes doing podcasts this week. So anyways, if you're hearing this, it means I successfully uploaded it. So there's no sense complaining. Unlike the rest of the people in my fucking life. You ever just have one of those weeks where everyone's just bitching at you? That's what I got. That's what I'm dealing with right now. Like today is my girlfriend's birthday and she was fucking pissed at me. She went absolutely psycho on me this morning. It had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me. I gave her a piece of cake last night, right at midnight, sang her happy birthday because technically it was a birthday. I gave her a pre-birthday slice of cake and then I gave her a bag of Fritos with a little bow on it,

right? Just being a silly jackass like that's all you're getting for your birthday, right? And everything was going great. I was a big sweetheart. And then I woke up this morning and made the mistake of telling her that I hadn't made a dinner reservation yet. And then she starts flipping out, acting like I'm just throwing her goddamn birthday together. When I gave her a pre-birthday fucking slice of birthday cake, you know? Starts flipping out. I don't know why she was flipping out. It's like it's fucking Tuesday. It's a Tuesday. It's not a holiday. Who the fuck is going out tonight? June 2nd. Oh shit. Was it Cinco de Mayo? You know? Is it some fucking New Zealand holiday that I don't know about? There's going to be plenty of fucking reservations. And lo and behold,

after she flips out, you know, screaming at me, right? So all my neighbors think that I'm beating her. Women love doing that shit. They just put on this big fucking show, right? And then afterwards they just go, I'm sorry. I got a little crazy. I don't know what I was thinking. You don't hate me, do you? You forgive me. They do that shit, right? Meanwhile, you know, your neighbors don't hear that part. They don't hear the part where they sort of say really quietly that they flipped out for no fucking reason, you know? All they heard was to scream and yell. And so now I'm going to get the looks today. I'm going to go down to the garage, you know, like it's the 1920s. Like I should become walking out with like a fucking wife beater, you know, as I reattach the belt to my pants.

So this is what happens, right? I end up calling up this fucking restaurant. This is one of the nicest steak houses out here in LA. I call them up. I said, hey, I'd like a reservation for two people. They go, okay, sir, what time would you like? I said, how about eight? I can't do anything at eight. How about eight 30? And I said, you know what, sweetheart, that would be perfect. And she said, okay. And that was it. That's all I had to fucking do. But for some reason, because I didn't do that before her birthday, that means that I don't give a fuck. That's how fucking nuts women are. She absolutely, she actually flipped out on me at 10 o'clock in the morning on her birthday. She didn't even give me a chance

to fuck the day up. She did a preemptive strike. Even though I gave her a pre birthday slice of cake, I sang happy birth. I made her shut her eyes. I put, I put out the lights. I lit a candle. I came in, I sang happy birthday, and I gave her a bag of Fritos, which is fucking ridiculous and silly. It was great. And tonight she's getting the real gift. If you know what I mean. Oh, you know, so it's one of those deals where I'm laying in bed and then all of a sudden she, it's just fucking ridiculous, you know, but I didn't back down. I didn't back down. I, you know, actually when she really got mad, why she started flipping out is because when she was screaming at me, I was laughing. You know, I don't know if any other guy out there has that problem. You ever

have, like when your girlfriend starts yelling at you, your first instinct is just to start laughing. I don't know why. Every time my girl yells at me, I instantly feel like I'm in school again, and I'm like in second grade, and I'm getting yelled at, and it's just, and my friends are laughing at me. That's, that's what I feel like. I feel ridiculous. I guess that's what it is. When, when a woman yells at me, I always feel ridiculous. You know, when a guy yells at me, I get mad because I think, Oh, fuck, this guy's going to beat the shit out of me. So you got to get into that energy. But when a girl, woman is just in a fucking screen. What are you supposed to do? You know, I'm not going to yell back at you. You're a woman. I don't want to feel like a bully.

We're not going to get physical. You're a woman. You know, it's stupid. Stop yelling. That fucking high-pitched voice. You sound like a fucking, you sound like Mickey Mouse. Sit down, relax, collect your thoughts. Make a list if you have to tell me why you're upset. You know, but don't just sit there fucking yelling at me. Like you just took a hit off a helium balloon because it just sounds hilarious, especially when I haven't done anything wrong and I got a great fucking gift this year. That's what was killing me. That actually, I actually had that moment during the fight where I said, you want your gift? Fine. And I went out and I pull it. That's already wrapped with the bow on it. You know, sitting there acting like I'm not fucking prepared. There's your fucking

present. Bam. Wrapped with a fucking bow on it. Jesus. Everybody giving me shit. Remember last week when I called that woman a douchebag? Remember the douchebag of the week last week because she was giving me shit? Once again, a female surprise, surprise was giving me shit that when I read the underrated, overrated, or the questions people have, I wouldn't say what sex they were. And she somehow found out a way to kind of, I don't know, make me look like I was some chauvinist that I guess she felt if it was a good question, I credited a guy. And you know, it's a free podcast. All right. Stop being so fucking conti. So she became douchebag of the week. So evidently she didn't like it.

And what does she do? She sends me an email. Here's the email she sends me. Bill, it's nice that you named me douchebag of the week. I don't really give a shit because I always mean what I write. I don't even know what that means because I always mean what I write. Oh really? What are the rest of us just faking it? We're just joking around? But not you. You're so fucking serious. So anyways, evidently this psycho, this is a new segment. This is, I can't figure out if this is a love letter of the week or a psycho of the week. I don't know, you guys name it. I don't give a shit. So anyway, she goes, I don't really give a shit because I always mean what I write. And it seems you're just talking shit about two things that I wrote that seemed bitchy. No, I was talking about your entire

email. Don't try to knock it down. All right, continue here. She goes, call me a cunt, but I really don't give a fuck. You've read a lot of my comments previously and agreed with them or had a good response to them. I'm literally fixing her sentences because she doesn't know how to write here. But it's nice that you will consider telling the gender of the person who the comments are from. And I know you have a shitload of people who listen to your podcast, but I got you some more since my friends who heard the podcast thought it was fucking hilarious and then they started listening to you. So you really should be thanking me. Isn't this just typical? This is just all going to be woman bashing this week. Isn't this just typical of a fucking female? You know what I mean?

I mean, she's getting something every week that is free and she still found a way to bitch about it. Okay? And then when I call her out for being a douchebag, now she's actually trying to make me feel guilty. You know, I just, you know, you call me a douchebag, you know, whatever. I mean, just even though I got a whole bunch of friends to listen to, I mean, probably should be thanking me, but you know, that's okay. Shut up. I swear to God, why can't you slap women? You know, back in the day, how great did that feel? You know, you have on the wife beater the wind blowing through your armpit hair as you just crack. I know it's evil. I don't give a fuck. Fuck all you guys. I don't give a shit. This is the rest of her email. Okay. Before you think

I'm an asshole, this is what she wrote. This is actually so psychotic. It's hilarious. She writes, and yeah, I do know that the name shows up on the email, even if I don't sign it, but you just make it seem like you that much of a retard to notice. That's literally what she wrote. And then she wrote, you're over 40 and have the vocabulary of a seventh grader. Your is spelled Y-O-U-R. All right. For all you morons out there, your Y-O-U-R is possessive, meaning like that's your shirt. Okay. If you're saying you're over 40, that's you are. Okay. So that means if you're going to say your, it's an apostrophe. Y-O-U apostrophe, R-E. So if you're a dumb fuck like this woman, if you don't know, the next time you go to write your, just stop and see if you are would still fit.

All right. Like you're over 40. You are over 40. Okay. Right there, you know, you got to use the apostrophe as opposed to saying you're over 40. So what is over? Do I own over? You dumb fuck. But I do have the vocabulary of a seventh grader, but you know something, you have the fucking vocabulary of a third grader. All right. You're over 40 and you have the vocabulary of a seventh grader. You can't recognize real words. How hilarious is this? And she's misspelling stuff. You starter when you read and I hope your dog outlives you and you die lonely because of your inability to commit and therefore never achieve the comedic fame of the great George Carlin. So Simon says, go fuck yourself since it sounds like you have major brain damage.

All right. Sweetheart, I'm really going to try to help you out here. Okay. If you hope that my dog outlives me and then you say, and then I die lonely. Okay. If I'm going to die before my dog mathematically, the fucking dog is still going to be there. So how am I going to be lonely? You know, the dog would have to die first or run away. So what you should say is I hope your dog outlives you then runs away and then you die by yourself as opposed to saying, I hope your dog outlives you when you die lonely. No, I would die before my dog and be sitting there licking my face and my last few pathetic moments. And then evidently, because of my inability to commit to a relationship, I'll never achieve the comedic fame of George Carlin. Oh, that totally makes

sense. It has nothing to do with the fact that I wasn't blessed with his gifts as a comedian. You know, all you have to do to be as good as George Carlin is just commit to a relationship to some psycho fucking chick like you. All right, lady, these are podcasts. These are jokes. When I call somebody a douchebag, I'm just fucking around. So don't take it seriously. But if you want to, you and your friends can go fuck yourselves and go listen to another podcast. All right, stop trying to threaten me. Like you're going to take podcast listeners away. I don't give a shit. This is free. We're going to take away advertising dollars from me. I don't give a fuck. Fuck you and your friends. I hope you're all listening together. Fuck all of you. Look around

the room, look into each one of your eyes. I'm saying, fuck all of you. You know what's funny is your friends are probably laughing at you right now going, you know what she is? She is kind of a cunt. She really is like that. She does have a tendency. I know I shouldn't use that word, but I'm serious. She is. She can be real cunty sometimes and she has a tendency to exaggerate things that aren't really happening in fact. All right. So that's the first hate mail. So I figured, you know, why don't I seek out? I'll try to find some other hate mail. Here's one that I got on YouTube. This is a nice one. Basically, I, there's a clip on there from me from about eight years ago, which you'll obviously notice because I'm skinnier and have a full head of hair. And I'm

doing this bit about joining the military saying how, you know, when you watch the commercials for the military, it makes you want to join, you know, they make it look like everybody gets their own jet. Everybody's driving a tank. Everyone's doing some top gun shit. Everyone's having a, you know, you're a fucking Navy seal. You get your face painted and you cling into that raft and you're coming up out of the water like fucking Rambo disappearing into the mud and shit. That's what they make you look like. Right. But what they don't show is all the other jobs that you, you know, you go in there and you think you're going to be like, you know, Tom Cruise. Oh my God, my dog just farted. Jesus Christ, Cleo. You know, could you at least like,

you know what kills me about this dog when it farts? It doesn't even have the decency to fucking kind of make a face like, yeah, that was me. Sorry about that. She's a laze here. Good Lord. At least it's silent. You know, it's the worst when you have a dog that farts like a person. Ever been over somebody's house and the dog's in the corner and they just go like, he's just like, really? Anyways, so that was the bit. So the bit is, yeah, you see the commercial and you sign up and you think, and yeah, I'm going to be like Tom Cruise and Top Gun. And then you show up and you end up being that guy, you know, when the jet takes off, you just like point in the same direction that the jet's going, or they give you those, those orange glow sticks from a

rave, you know, when the plane comes in, you're that guy, you put the air and the tires on the jet. You know, you join the next thing, you know, you're standing there with like a camouflage weedwacker. Yeah, that was the joke. Okay. Simple joke. I actually did the joke at a military base and I also did it at one of the VA hospitals and it fucking killed. You know what I mean? So this guy, of course, has to go all Fox news on YouTube. And this is what he writes. This is actually kind of funny. He writes, you ungrateful bitch. And then he puts in quotes, if you're dumb enough to join the military, which is classic of somebody who wants to take a joke seriously, is they don't write the whole joke, is they just take not even a sentence,

they just take a part of a sentence. Okay, so he writes, if you're dumb enough to join the military, and then he writes in capital letters, fact, fact is, if it wasn't for the bravery of the American servicemen and the American spirit throughout history, I like the American spirit, what do you mean chicks who go to a fucking bake sale? Anyways, you wouldn't even get, you wouldn't even have the right to mock those sacrifices, which have been made for you. And if you did, you would probably be doing it in German. So respect your American servicemen, because it is him in which you owe your freedoms to take to that, what? People can't, you know, half the time people think I'm a morons, because people can't even write a sentence,

because it is him in which you owe your freedoms to that, you take so foolishly for granted. That's word for word. Appreciate the sacrifices of other, you coward. You know, at what point did I make fun of servicemen? I didn't, I was making fun of the how fucking whatever, you know, something, if you guys want to take jokes seriously, I don't give a fuck, and I'm really sick of that hacky thing where someone goes, you know, and they did it for you, and if you didn't, you'd be speaking German right now. That's how dumb people are. You know, to say that you'd be speaking German right now is a hacky fucking reference. You're just saying that because you heard someone else say it. You know,

why wouldn't I be speaking like I was from England? Why wouldn't I be speaking Spanish right now? You know, we did fight other countries. Mexican American war, how come that one never gets brought up? How come I wouldn't be speaking Korean? I mean, granted, they weren't over here, but you know what I'm saying? I'm so sick of fucking idiots who speak in sound bites like everybody who like makes fun of France. Yeah, we fucking saved your ass in World War Two, you fucking pussies. Read a history book. We were paying them back for saving our ass with England, you dumb fucks. So now we're even. All right, whatever. Look at me, I'm getting all upset here because people are morons. All right, let's let's move on to let's let's get to some information

here for the week. All right. Last week, I was Oh, here's going last week, I was teasing firefighters and I was talking about how, you know, 20 trucks show up to every fire. Why does that happen? How much of those trucks cost? And volunteer firefighter wrote in, he said, I guess how much fire trucks cost fire engines, which put the water out. Oh, wait, put the water out fire engines, which put water out. I think I'm dyslexic. Typically run between $300,000 and $600,000. Fire trucks, also called ladder trucks run between $400,000 and $800,000. The two main differences between the low and high numbers is the make of the truck and the equipment it comes with. A fire engine with all the hoses

added on and the breathing apparatus is more expensive than without. All right, well, here's a question I have with for you. You say the make of the truck. So I guess what Mac truck, that's a reputable brand as opposed to what a Hyundai fire truck. I guess that that's what it is. I don't even know what the fuck they are. But anyways, you asked us, you asked why so many pieces of apparatus show up to a call. There are a few reasons for this. Sometimes it's manpower. In my case, we have three fire companies consisting of six pieces of apparatus. Since we volunteer, there may not be enough volunteers in town at any one time. So all three companies get banged out, banged out equals called out in firefighting terms. Typically, at least four

pieces show up for a call. This allows us to have all the equipment we need at the scene. Sometimes you just never know what you're going to need. All right, fair enough. But perhaps the best reason, this is great here, but perhaps the best reason is that sometimes we are called for what amounts to be in the end, absolutely nothing. About six months ago, my pager went off your pager. Jesus, Christ, dude, is your fire truck pulled by a couple of horses? Who the fuck still has a pager? I know he's gonna write back, actually, it's a special fucking 9-11 pager for firemen. All right, I'm a moron, I get it. All right, about six months ago, my pager went off for a working house fire at 2 a.m. I jumped awake and flew down to the firehouse. We got on the scene. We saw no smoke

or flames. In speaking with the residents, they had just woke up and saw a reflection in their mirror that they thought was a fire. So here's all six of our apparatus showing up for absolutely nothing. Or the time we called for lightning hit, lightning hitting a house on a clear summer night. The woman heard something and thought it was lightning hitting her house. People are fucking idiots all over. Hope that helps. And even though I am a firefighter, your firefighter jokes were funny. See, there's a cool guy. You see there, sweetheart? Even though he's a firefighter, he sees the joke. He realizes I'm just telling jokes. All right, there you go. People, how we learned something this week. All right, you want to learn something else? Then we're going to wrap

up this fucking podcast. I know it's really short this week, but I don't understand what the point of me keep babbling for fucking 50 minutes if GCast won't upload the files. All right, here's some computer tips for the week. Here's some computer tips on web searching. All right, Bill, when you want to find something that you are Google it, what? That makes no sense. All right, when you Google, use the plus and the minus signs to find the shit you want. So this is how it works. If you want to search something with a plus in front of it, then it will have to contain the word. And if you want to put a minus in front of it, that will remove the word from the listing. So basically put the plus in front of the word that you're searching that you want to find and a minus in front of the one

that you don't want. For example, I want to see how many sites have Bill Burr on it while eliminating Bill Burr from the search. So you would Google the plus sign plus my name Bill, then the plus sign, and then you write Burr minus BillBurr.com. And the results will show sites that have content with Bill Burr on it and not include BillBurr.com. Isn't that interesting? I didn't know that shit. And he said I'm listed on 700,000, 700,000 web pages, not including my website. 706,000 websites have my name on it. And I still can't sell out the third show on Saturday night. What the fuck is going on? All right. If you find some shit out like, if you want to find some shit out like to do to you, I can't read what you guys write. If you want

to find some shit out like to you do when you are on, what? I can't even paraphrase that. If you want to find some shit out like to you do, no, like you do when you're on the podcast. All right. You had an extra word in there, dude. If you want to find some shit out like you do when you're on the podcast, use the above option, the plus minus, or use quotes. All right. You wanted to find the names of female serial killers a few weeks ago. Just put quotes around a phrase and it will only show sites that contain all phrases. Okay. I get it. You know, like you guys ever go to search something and you'll like, you'll just write female serial killers and then a bunch of hits will come out and you have a bunch that just say female and a bunch that will just say

serial. Another one will just say killers or whatever. Yeah. I guess if you put quotes around it, that puts it all together. You know what? That's very helpful. I know this part of the podcast isn't that funny, but God damn it. We got to learn something here. All right. I should have got some water here. My fucking mouth is dry as hell. All right. Let's wrap up the podcast here. This is the serial killer topic. Bill, if you want to be a serial killer and use the best weapon, you have to use ice. If you stab someone with an ice skull or beat someone to death with ice, then it melts and you have no murder weapon or fingerprints, no DNA or fingerprint problems. Oh yeah. That guy who talked about tracking you down with the type of soil where it was located

in the type of wood used and all that shit is exactly that bullshit. They watch too many shows. CSI does not do that shit. I know, dude. We all knew he was just fucking around. He was making fun of how when you watch those shows. All right. What else do we got here? Question. Bill, you say that you play the drums. If you could play the drums in any band, living or dead for one show, one night only in any city in the world, who would you play and in what city? Fuck. Jesus Christ. It would either be Led Zeppelin. You know what's funny is I think I would have a better chance faking what John Bonham does than what Phil Rudd does in ACDC. What Phil Rudd does is so fucking difficult. If you play drums

to just sit there going boom, crack, boom, crack for fucking two hours straight. Yeah. I think I would play, I would play with Led Zeppelin. I do it in England at Royal Albert Hall and I would, and I would play on that, that the Ludwig, that maple drum kit that he played, either that or his green sparkle kit. I don't like the Vista, Vista light kit he had or the, the stainless steel one. I like the first two ones that he had. I'd play on either one of those and somehow I would sound as good as, can I, can I, can I have that as part of the fantasy that I would actually sound as good as he would sound? You know, that's what I would do. And then I'd get fucking some 1969 groupie pussy afterwards. All right, next question. Bill,

would you rather be respected, be a respected comedian who never makes it really big, like so and so and so and so. I'm not going to name the names. He named two people who are millionaires playing theaters, but I guess who can still walk down the street. He said, or would you rather be a one-trick pony, like blah, blah, blah, who has written one catchphrase to fame and fortune and has more cash than he can ever spend? Oh no, I'd much rather be respected by my peers without a fucking doubt, without a doubt. I would, you know, you can become a really big comedian and not necessarily be super, like that's the great thing about entertainment is you, it's easy to become, I can't say it's easy, but you can become

a millionaire and still not be famous. You know what I'm saying? And I always use this example, like that sitcom Caroline in the City. They actually made it to syndication and the entire cast could walk by me on walking down the street and I wouldn't recognize any of them. So I would, you know, dude, you're a millionaire. How much fucking money do you need? And I also think the more I look at these people being super, super famous, it just doesn't look like a good time to me. You know, I think I would, I want to be a millionaire who has notoriety, which means maybe two, three times a month, somebody goes, Hey, you're that comedian. I really like what you do. And then, Hey, thanks a lot. Then I go back to eating my omelet. I'd rather do that than fucking,

I don't know, you know, I don't, I don't ever want to fucking have to step out of a limo with no panties on, you know what I mean? Just so I can maintain fame at that fucking level. When you think that would, when you think that that would be miserable, I mean, other than when you're at the fucking Celtics game and you have courtside seats in that moment, that's fucking awesome. You know what I mean? I've always used this analogy, but at some day, at some point, you're going to have to fucking blow out a bathroom in public and you don't want to be famous at that point. You know, you just want to be like, dude, you can't have some fucking guy just blew, you don't want a bill bird just blew out the bathroom. They literally put a fucking name to it. It's

brutal. All right, overrated underrated really quickly, overrated beer with the lime already in it. No joke. It just tastes fucking gross. What else do I got here? I'm sorry, this is really fucking unraveling here. I just, I've done, I've done this too many times this fucking week. I lost my passion. Like if Paul Gasol was doing a fucking podcast, this is what it would sound like right now, you know, and I'd be thumping my chest acting like I'm giving you entertainment right now and I'm not, you know, that's what I'm going to end with this week. What do we got here? I'm 28 minutes in. Good. I'll keep it under 30 minutes. I'm going to end with this prediction. I think Orlando's going to beat the Lakers and I think that they're going to beat them in six games because

they don't have anybody to stop Dwight Howard and I think Turcaloo is, I don't know, I think that guy's going to get enough points and then they got that other guy in the number two or is he the point guard? I don't know shit about basketball. I just fucking hate the Lakers. So I'm going to go out on a limb here with no money down or nothing. I'm not going out on a limb. I just, I just think, I got a feeling. I got a fucking feeling. All right. I think Van, Van Gundy is going to out, he's going to out coach Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson, he's making home videos with his girlfriend, his new hot young girlfriend on his way to the Staples Center every night. They're soft. They're fucking soft. All they have is Kobe. Kobe's the shit. I love Kobe, but I think his

teammates are scared of them. I think they're scared to fuck up around them. They're scared to disappoint them and they just get freaked out and they just pass him the ball. That's what I think is going to happen. Paugasol gets the most quietest 15 fucking rebounds and the quietest 20 points a game. I think he's going to, he's going to take a fucking Dwight Howard elbow to his bearded chops sometime in game two and Orlando's going to win game two. They got three in a row in Orlando. They're going to win two out of three and then they're going to come back and they're going to beat the Heartless Lakers in the Staples Center game six. What the fuck do you guys think about that? Huh? You like that one? You know, what do you guys think about the two, three, two playoff

format? I think it's bullshit. I think they give the advantage to the weaker team because the Lakers should have home court, right? And I don't think they do with a two, three, two format because when it's two, three, two, the pressure is on the home team for the first two games, right? If it was two, two, one, one, one, like they used to do back in the back in the day, you open the first two games, the pressure is on Orlando to steal one. Now when it's two, three, two, the pressures on the Lakers, they have to win both of those fucking games. They can't go one, one, and then have to play three fucking games in Orlando, right? Am I out of my mind? Now this is, is this all getting boring? Well, I don't give a fuck because this is my third one this week. Listen to

me, my goddamn mouth is dry. So anyways, I might do another podcast this week because I might have a very special announcement of something that I might be doing next week that might be on television. How do you like that? I'm leaving you with a little cliffhanger. And with that, I don't have any gigs until the third week in July when I'm going to be at the Comedy Works in Denver. Why is that? I booked a very small part in a very big movie. And I don't know, I'm shooting like five, six days on it, but they had to clear out my spec, my schedule because they're working around famous people's schedules. So I'm low man in the totem pole. So I gladly cleared out my spec, my schedule. So I'll let you know what the name of the movie is and all that type of shit. When in fact,

when in fact, I know that I haven't been cut out of it. How's that? All right. And that's the very short, very succinct Monday morning podcast this week. The third fucking time I'm praying to God that this thing is going to actually get published. All right. You guys have a good week and thanks to everybody who came out to the improv a couple of weekends ago out here in Hollywood. All right. That's it. Take it easy. Yeah. I think Jerry must have had the right idea. Yeah.

I know nobody left to run with anymore. No, no, nobody left to run with anymore. I know nobody left to run with anymore. No, no, nobody left to run with anymore. No, no, nobody left to run with anymore. No, no, nobody left to run with anymore. No, no, nobody left to run with anymore. No, no, nobody left to run with anymore.

No, no, nobody left to run with anymore. No, no, nobody left to run with anymore. No, no, nobody left to run with anymore.