Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-11-15

Episode Date: June 11, 2015

Bill rambles about cursing in French, turning 47 and out Frenching the Frogs.

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What's going on? This is my last night en français en Paris. Had a fucking awesome time. Sorry it was a little grumpy on Monday, you know what I mean? That's what happens when you drink outside in the sun all day. Had a fucking tennis match, but a bunch of rich cons. You know, I watch the whole fucking YouTube video of just, you know, tennis people losing their shit.

It's like they're upset that they want to win the championship. I like when they smash their racket and they act like they give a fuck. I don't want to see somebody out there with a goddamn white hanky, right? Anyways, I already talked about this shit on last podcast. This is the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday. You know, what are you doing, huh? Fuck are you doing? I had a birthday, actually today, which will be yesterday by the time you hear this shit.

And let's see how I can finally say it right. Cannot set. 47 years old dude, whoo! Getting up there. I had a fucking awesome day. Me and my lovely wife walked up to the Eiffel Tower, right? And I realized, you know, as I'm trying to learn, you know, some French over here, which is, you know, I'm at that level where I'm like, hello, Mr. I would like rotisserie chicken,

if you please. And you know, right off the bat, I mean, they know nobody talks like that, even if you pronounced it perfectly. What is this guy? A fucking robot? Like nobody talks like that. You got to get to the point where you're like, hey, what's going on, man? How are you?

Let me get the rotisserie chicken and let me fucking be over there. However, you just normally talk. So then there's some other shit that you need to have to say. Like at one point, you know, we're walking along the Sand River, whatever the fuck you call it. And on the right bank is La Louvre and all of that shit and all those shops. It's basically their time square. You know, it's all just fucking, you know, tourists like me and, and, and just fucking

people who have money who want to show it off, you know, that rodeo drive horseshit where people just walk around with a bunch of fucking patent leather horseshit, you know, doing the duck lip fucking selfies. Like that's what that is. If you get out of that, it's great. So we're on our way over this like an asshole. I'm an old man, count set. I don't want to fucking walk over there.

So there's one of those bike rickshaw things. So I say to the dude, I'm like, uh, you know, come be in Florida, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he said fucking like, what do you say? He said, Vonsank. And I'm like, come on, man, 25 bucks just to go over the thing, he's looking at the fucking thing. Right. So he takes us over the bridge, whatever he's peddling and stuff, and he stinks, smells

a BO, not cause he French is cause he pedals around two full grown adults all goddamn day. And uh, so we get to the other side, you know, and this motherfucker, I give him 25 euros and he goes, no, he's like, each, it's like, the fuck out of here when you went 20 bucks each. So I'm not giving you fucking 20 bucks each, you know, but they say only shit. And what I needed to know how to say there was key age, they corner a corner a right which that is bullshit. And then if he continued talking to me, I should have said, visit a man.

Fuck your mother. And I should have walked away, but I didn't know how to say it. So I gave him 20 euros and 10 American. See that? It cost me $10 USA cause I didn't know how to say kid, they corner, corner, I'll make sure you guys say this. Let me have this fucking. This is how you say, fuck your mother, visit a man, visit a man, say it with me, visit

a man, that's fucking mother. You got to save that one. There's no reason to fucking, you don't come out of the gate with that. You start off with key a deconnery key a deconnery key a deconnery, that means that's bullshit. Right. 20. No, uh, fucking font sank each and that's when I go key a deconnery.

And then when he keeps fucking talking, then you dropped the bomb visit a man. Yeah. What she said, Bayes ate the map. Fuck your mother and you walk away. What are you going to do to me? Huh? You're going to slap me near the loo. Whatever.

Fuck him. He took 10 American. That's worth like three dollars. Euros. So I got out of it for fucking phone tweet, right? That camera on set. That's not too bad. I think.

Um, anyways, uh, excited to be back and, um, I'm fucking Jones. So bad to do some standup. Um, I had a fucking such an awesome time over here. I'm all rested up and all that shit and, um, I'm ready to go, you know, it was hilarious today was a wake up and, uh, and you're not going to see this video, but my white videotape me. I said, all right, I'm 47 years old. I got to get, I got to hit the deck here.

I got to try to bang up 47 pushups. Oh, it was an ugly scene. I did it. I actually did 50. I did 50, but I, when I finished the 50, I like fucking rolled over on my back and did that thing. You know, you cover your eyes with your fucking the crook of your arm and was just, just you would have thought I was, you know, that person that runs a marathon and they get like a

mile away from the finish line and they're shitting themselves because their bowels have failed. Like that's how fucking exhausted I was. Um, it's bad. I'm a big fucking French pastry at this point. I got to do something about this shit and I'm only home for four days when I get back before I get on the bus because me and Joe Bartnick are going to be touring the West Coast.

So, uh, there's going to be plenty of crown royals on that one. So I don't know what I'm going to do here. I got to hit the salads or something. Um, well, you could say no bill. You could say, Hey, Hey, you know, I'm not drinking on this one, but where's the fun in that? You know, where is the fun in that? That's what I love.

That's how I look at it. You know, if, you know, baby seals are going to wash up onto the beach and no one gives a fuck. I mean, it's, it's, it's going to be over. You know what somebody said to me the other day was telling me, you got to have a kid. And I was like, I know, I know, and he goes, no, no, but you can't just have one. You got to have two. It's like, it's like douchebag.

If you're watching the news, you know, got to have two. Do you really? If there's enough fucking people taking a shit every day, throw in another fucking plastic water bottle into the, into the ocean, you should be looking at me going, thank you. Thank you for not having fucking any. And there's two less cunts walking around in the fucking world, right? Everyone should have one from here on out until it tapers off and everybody will be like, well, what's the ramification of an entire generation of only childs?

How much worse can they do than what we've done? Right? Oh, Jesus. Oh, Billy soapbox here. Look at him. He's, he's banging his fucking Bible. Yeah. I'm telling you guys, there's a spaceship that's coming in 2030 with a freckled son of God.

And he only talks to me, so you guys need to gather around and drink my fucking Kool-Aid. How about that? I want to start my own compound. You guys call me father, right? I'll go buy a patch of fucking dirt out and I don't know God knows somewhere in Texas where it's nice and dry, where it looks like the end of the fucking world. I know they had their floods there, but believe me, believe me, when that shit's over, it's going to go right back to the shit they've been dealing with the last three years.

Was it three years? I have no idea. I don't know. I'm doing this shit at the fucking, you know, it's like 113 in the morning and I, I got a cab to the airport at 1030, so I know I'm not getting up in the morning. So anyways, I'm telling you guys, you got to, you got to come to Paris at some point in your life and don't get all country like that douche on Twitter, okay? This broke ass college kids that come over here with a backpack and go all the way through

Europe. And I remember when I was a young man, a long time ago, I was a kid in college, I remember thinking I want to do that and I never did it like an asshole. So then I got into the real world, even though I got into a show business, it's still the real fucking world and it took me half a century almost 47 years before I've been starting to come over here. So you should definitely fucking do it because there's a bunch of ways to do it. You can figure it out.

And I'm telling you, if you just came over here for four or five days, you just came over here four or five days sat in a cafe, you know, had yourself a drink and just watched the fucking city go by. It's life-changing. I'm telling you, it's fucking life-changing. Everybody tries to act like you got to come over here on your own goddamn yacht. You don't. I got over here telling shit jokes and strip malls, all right?

So I don't want to hear it. If you want to come over here, you can definitely fucking do it. I wish I did it a long fucking time ago when I think of all the fucking money I blew on doing good doughless, going to fucking assist us. You know, the dumb shit I did back in the day, just blowing all this cash. You know what I mean? Plus you're young, man. You're fucking young.

They can stuff you in the back of the airplane. You shake it off. Fucking old man like me. I limp around for 10 days. So I'm hoping, I'm hoping you guys hear some of these stories about coming over here. Yeah, maybe you don't want to come here. Maybe want to go somewhere else. Fucking do it.

Do it before you get married and you got kids and you're all fucking locked down. Just fucking, I'm telling you, figure out a way, stay home a couple of weekends. I'm oversimplifying it, but it really, you know, cut a plan, you know, get over here. That's it. All right. How many minutes am I up to here? 10, 23. All right.

What do I want to talk about here? How about the fucking Tampa Bay Lightning, huh? I saw the first period and then I fell asleep. It's just, they just come, the games are coming on too late. Like right now it's 1.16 in the morning and I'm already on NHL.com waiting for this thing to start. So I already, you know, what's great is I don't have to watch the pregame because I know what they're saying.

Yeah, I got to tell you tonight has got a, it's a must win for Chicago. They cannot go down 3-1 in this series and go back to Tampa. Wouldn't you agree somebody else with a suit and a fucking pocket square? But I got to say who out there other than a hardcore black Tampa Bay Lightning fan thought the Tampa Bay was going to be up 2-1, especially after Chicago won the first fucking game in Tampa. But who, who's kidding who, you know, Chicago's winning tonight. I would be absolutely, I don't want to jinx them, but I mean, I would be shocked as a

fucking fan if, if Chicago goes back to Tampa, anything other than 2-2, well, what else could they be? 3-1, down 1-3, yeah, obviously Bill. I think the answer tonight and, oh man, I hope it goes 7, I hope it goes 7 because tonight's the last game I'm kind of going to miss. I did see all a game too and I've missed all of the fucking NBA finals. But that sounds like it's a great one. What is it?

Cavaliers are up 2-1 against Golden State or as I like to call them Sacramento. And everybody's saying, what's his face there? Steph Curry hasn't been the same since they dropped him on the head. I guess that's what the fuck they were talking about. I hope that isn't the case because whoever wins, I'd like them to, you know, you don't want to see their best guy be hurt and then you win, you know what I mean? You want to beat them at their best. So I'm looking forward to seeing both of those things.

I'm looking forward to seeing my dog. I'm ready to come back and I'm ready to start this tour. I can't wait to get back. So anyways, what else did I want to talk about? Jesus Christ, my fucking head is swimming here. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Father's Day's coming up, right? Do I got to talk about that shit?

Not yet. Huh? Not yet. What do you mean not yet? It's too early. What's too early? Talk about Father's Day. It isn't too early because according to the advertising, we're advertising the man great,

Nia. Oh, the man great. The man great. Hey, attention grillmasters. If your father is a man of exquisite taste, there is no finer gift than the ultimate steak house experience. Oh, you're going to take him to a steak house? No.

We're going to give him a man great and tell him to cook his own steak. They're building him up like he's the most interesting man in the world. Now I'm just picturing some guy wearing fucking loafers and those socks, grilling in his backyard, got his cigarette going, or whatever. You know he wants a good steak, right? Man great is 100% cast iron grill grates. The man great. What is a man great, you ask, or maybe you didn't, but I'm going to tell you anyways.

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You see how dumb they think guys are? Is he really going to wear it? Why don't you just slap him in the face with the man great? Okay, the guy likes steak. Can you give him some dignity? Kind of a fucking shirt as that. Did you give him a fucking clown nose and slap him with a rubber chicken? Don't forget the brush.

Man great has designed their long bristle brush to get down deep between each rail, keeping your grates in prime. Why do they always got to have that dumb shit if you're grilling? Like you got to have an apron that says, I hate kale. Why can't you like pork chops and a vegetable? Don't you want that stuff to come out of your ass at some point in your life? Order, but I'm just eating meat, nothing else. It's like those dummies that go on that diet.

Dude, I'm eating nothing but bacon. The weight's falling off. Like, yeah, did you choke out? Yeah. All right. Order by Monday, June 15th. I got you snorting on that one, Mimi. For guaranteed arrival by Father's Day anywhere in the United States, make sure to go to

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I have the pause there. Hey. Let's get their attention. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

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What else do I do that Uber knows that I don't do? I love them, by the way. Wow. Wow. What do you know? And in chatting with different drivers, some of them have really interesting stories as to why they drive with Uber. Why do they do this, Nia?

Uber is absolutely crushing it. They're here in Paris right now. I said this last time. I don't take Uber because everybody's like my age and they watch fucking Comedy Central and they're like, oh, you're that freckled cunt from that thing and now I know where you live and it weirds me out. If I take a cab, it's, hello, my friend. I used to be a neurosurgeon, now I drive a cab.

Those guys don't give a shit and all I do is hold my breath on the way home and I'm there. Oh my God, stop it. What? Generally, oh yeah, and Irish people aren't drunk. Oh, oh, don't you dare. Don't. Nia, let me tell you something.

Anybody drives for 12 hours in a cab, there's going to be a funk in there, all right? There's going to be a little Bootsy Collins up in there, if you know what I mean. And in chatting with different drivers, Bootsy Collins, the bass player for James Brown. I don't know who Bootsy Collins is. Yeah, and they played funk music. Do I got to spell the whole thing out? What is that? Oh, funk.

Funk, yeah. Bootsy and his armpits there. Nothing? What was that song when he came around? Groovers in the Heart? Yes. Right? What was that thing he would say?

What was the thing he would say? He had his one little, no, that one little line he would say in that thing. He'd be like, it's a wogadogabee. Yeah, he would say something like that. So, all right. Anyway, so this is what? This copy is so fucking dumb. Listen, you have a car, all right?

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Visit drivewithuber.com. That's drivewithuber.com. Drivewithuber.com. There you go. You fucking do this job. All the money you make from this, you put into your, I'm going into the fucking, I don't know, Bali. Don't go to Bali.

You fucking have a joint. They stick you in jail for fucking 30 years, don't you? Have you talked about why today is special? Oh no, my birthday. Yeah, I mentioned it. It's your birthday. It's your birthday. Yes, it is.

It was. It's 1.25 in the morning. Yes, it's a lot. And now begins this slow march to canner on sweets, not to death, canner on sweets. Come on. When is this fucking hockey game start, Nini? By the way, I'm staying up all night watching this thing. Are you really?

Well, I'm going to stay up as long as I can. We still have a bottle of wine left. I had to finish that. A bottle of red wine. Why don't they put wine in a can so you can shock on it? What? Why don't they put wine in a can so you can shock on it every once in a while? Just take a fucking giant can of.

Any wine that comes in a can is not worth drinking. I'll tell you that. Oh, thank you, Nia. You're so cultured. I thought it was, I thought it was the good stuff. That isn't the good stuff. It doesn't. Budweiser make a Pinot Griche.

Hey, Nini. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. That's why you say fuck your mother in French. Bezir ta mère. Bezir ta mère. That's what I should have said to that guy, the guy in the fucking rickshaw bicycle. And there's, yeah, but there's no need to escalate it to fuck your mother.

No, well, I should have started with this right here. I should have started with this. I should have started with this. Que, que déconnerie. Yeah, that's bullshit. Yeah, but there's really no reason. And then go, no, monsieur, qui est déconnerie? Like no.

No, mister. That's bullshit. How do you say dude in French? Chief. How do you say chief? Remember, we saw that kid today at the Eiffel Tower wearing a shirt that said chill, dude. How about those gypsies that came up and tried to fucking pickpocket us? Here's one for you.

Yeah. When they come up to you, when you're in a different country and like three people walk up to you with these, uh, with a clipboard, a piece of paper with a bunch of what seems like signatures on it. And then they walk up to you immediately speaking English. And they go, do you speak English? Yeah, that me. Bill just went, no.

And they just started, and they just walked away immediately. They weren't like, oh. No, I didn't. I said, I said, no. I said with a French accent. And then they walked away and I started speaking English and then one of them turned around and glared at me. It's like, fuck you.

You're gonna be, yeah. So as they explained there, let's save the bald eagles fucking thing, they're in your pockets. But the thing is they weren't even like, oh, partez-vous français? And that's it. Wait. Chef. That's how you say chief.

Chef. Chef. So I should have been like, no, chef. I love when you're just trying to talk like you're a silly boss. That's bullshit. And then dude, it is, wait, dude, it is, and then I walk, yeah, fuck your mother, right? You can't walk away saying fuck your mother. You get punched in the back of the head.

You gotta lock out, whoever looks away first loses, right? Isn't that how it works? No, because I was saying- So why don't you just look up, dude, I gotta go fucking dunking kid. Why don't you look that up? Because clearly you're just trying to like talk like a Boston asshole in French. I should have said that. I should have said that because he wouldn't know what it meant.

Like, no, no, the, you know, Vaughn sank each and I'd be like, dude, I gotta go to fucking donkeys. He wouldn't have, he had no clue what I was saying. And eventually he has to get on with his day. Yeah, as do we. Yeah. He was Peppy Lapue though, wasn't he? Oh, he was.

He was. And he was. Sonia, did you have a good time over here? I had an amazing time. I hope so. What do you think of that kid on Silk Road? Ooh, on the what road? Silk Road.

Oh, oh, oh, the kid, the guy that got sentenced to life. Yeah. What are you thinking? You think you're just gonna fuck? Evidently they got something here called the fucking, there's like an underground internet, like the dark internet. Yeah. Oh, really?

Yeah. The deep internet it's called. No, it isn't. Is it? Yes, it is actually. Hey, easy. Because you have the regular internet that you surf like Wikipedia and Google and your email.

No, it isn't. It's called the dark web. Okay. The deep internet. I feel like there's also, they call it the deep, deep internet. All right, fine. I think that's where people like say stuff and then people just go, oh shit. Deep web.

The deep web. Okay, you're close. I'm close. Yeah, that's where all that illegal shit goes down, but you really have to know the internet, I think, in order to get there. It's not like the kind of stuff. No, it's shady. It's like buying drugs and looking at like kiddie porn.

Right. Exactly. And then people argue that Ben Affleck is the new Batman. Oh, hey, how great was that video that we watched? There's this white kid, right? He dresses up like an old man. He kind of looks like the Six Flags. Remember those commercials with the Six Flags with the old man and he'd be dancing and doing

like the running man. He'd be like, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did. No. People who are listening to this, they remember those commercials. He'd have those big, dumb black glasses and it was clearly like a young kid in an old man mask and he'd be like doing the running man. All right, but this kid wasn't. This kid had great makeup and people thought.

He thought it wasn't, they thought it was an old man and he walks down the street late at night. He can do all those Michael Jackson moves. So he walks like an old man and whereas these people are walking by him going the other way, he'll just bust out one of those moves real quick and it freaks people to fuck out. But the best part of the video is in the end, he goes into this park late at night with his, all these, these young black men, right? In their twenties that an old white man should be terrified of, right?

All these racist fucking white dudes are terrified. He walks in right into the middle of them, tells them all the clear out and starts busting out those moves and they went fucking nuts. That was the funniest thing about, could they have been more supportive? That's what was cracking me up about that. Yeah, they were going, they were slapping them on his old man's ass. Tell them to keep going. That one dude who was jumping up and down, my favorite one was a dude just standing on

the bench with his arms up the exact same way Joe Montana when, when he would throw for a touchdown pass, he, he just put his arms straight up. He was just doing that the whole time, like this guy is fucking killing it. I mean, if you're a white person and you're not lame, we will give you the respect that you're due. But if you're lame, forget it. Now, what does that mean? You know what it means.

No, I don't. Cause there's a lot of, that could go either way. Like we're going to just, ah, you corny, get the fuck out of here or we're going to steal your bicycle. You know, you got to get a frame. Here I am. I'm not talking about, I'm not trying to bring people together with this shit. Oh, okay.

All right. You left it all ambiguous there. Well, the black people that are listening, they know what I'm talking about. You know, you've done that twice. What do you mean? Where you'd say something, I don't know what you're talking about. And you're like, yeah, well, people will listen to understand what I'm saying. Because I don't feel the need to have to explain every single little thing to you.

That's not what I'm here for. Oh, Jesus. Wouldn't you think that I took her to like Paris, Virginia at this point? You'd think I'd get a little more. Yeah. No, my birthday just ended an hour and a half ago. Your birthday is over. Yeah.

Let's see. That's what it is guys. What you got to know. It doesn't mean shit. Oh, fuck you. You looked so handsome tonight. Oh yeah. I crushed him tonight, everybody.

You did. I went out and. You finally gave in to the sport coat life. This is what I did. I decided. It was the pocket square life. That's right. I decided that I was going to out-french the frogs.

I said, fuck these people with their fucking, you know, slick way of dressing. And I went out and I got this fucking cool ass sport coat with the pocket square. The fucking shirt, the pants. Looks so good. I was killing it. Yeah. I was killing it. And what happened tonight?

We went out. We got to that fucking. That restaurant. They had no reservation. We had no reservation. No reservation. And then we were like, can we sit at. We had no reservation.

Right. And when I said, can we sit at the fucking bar chief and. Shit. And they let us sit up at the bar. We had a great, a great dinner and like the head chef was there. He had these fucking unbelievable tattoos. Beautiful tattoos. Great work.

We talked, chatted him up about that. Next thing you know, he's hooking us up with shots. Two rounds of shots. Have you guys ever had quinoa vodka? Nobody's ever had that shit. First time I've ever had quinoa vodka, which really sounds like some whole foods. Hippy dippy. Annoying.

Sounded fucking horrific. I didn't want it when he said it. I didn't want it. So annoying. If someone said I had quinoa vodka, don't you just want to like slap them in the face with a burlap sack? Like that's just the dumbest thing you've ever heard of. But turns out it's delicious.

It tastes like water, which is the way vodka is. Yeah. But I got a minute. We did two. Not rubbing alcohol. I didn't feel anything. But I feel like I got a nice little buzz going on, but not so much that I'm going to, you know, do something stupid.

I think I'm such a boozebag that I would have done like another four. That's also true. To feel anything. You've been a boozebag for the last 10 days, though, no? Last 10 days. It goes back to the Southern tour and then the 19 shows in Boston. And then I sobered up, didn't fucking do shit because I had the helicopter thing. Got that behind me and ever since then.

Jesus Christ. So what happens when we go back home tomorrow? Are we both on the weekend? I dry out. I dry out. We're going to dry out. We're going to exercise. Do you know what I want right now?

You know what I want? I want to fucking the biggest. Royale cheese? No. I want a giant fucking Poland spring. I want like two of those. You know those dumb hats that drunks wear at football games in the 80s where they had a beer in each one?

I want a giant water. And when the two comes down to your mouth and you can drink it out of the, what is the point of that just for funsies and silliness and did it really well? They look kind of cheap to me. Well, I don't think that when they sold it to grown men as dumb as it was, they said this is just for funsies. Hey guys, this is just for funsies. The next time you're drinking.

So anyways, are you just not reading about Silk Road? Oh shit. Oh shit. Look what's on. What's the NHL for another four hours? Look what's on. It's three hours. What is an ice tracker?

Oh, it tracks the quality of ice in different venues. Are you joking? No. Totally serious. What do you mean quality? Well look. It's in a stadium. They fucking put it to where it freezes and then you skate on it.

No. Quality, what do you mean quality? Well, back in the day, you know, the Boston Art Garden, they would have it be a little mushy because Edmonton was faster than we would. We turn it down a little bit. Mushy. It's ice, but you know, it's a little slushy. What?

Yeah. Everybody would do that and then fucking Edmonton was fast so they would turn there's extra cold. It's like Brady and take a little layer out. Fucking this guy puts a little more air in. It was bullshit. But you're all ice skaters. So why wouldn't you just make it optimal?

First of all, and everyone's on the same. I don't know what, first of all, I don't know what ice tracker is. I just made that shit up. Did you really? No, but Boston did get accused. Boston did get accused of having the ice a little mushy to give him a chance. We seem to be getting accused of a lot of things. Oh, everybody's gotten accused of shit over the years.

We're just going to get suspended and fine. The Bruinsdon get suspended or fine for it. Hmm. Okay. Well, no, it's dumb. You know what? Jim Erse put a fucking banner up at Lucas Oilfield that said 2014 AFC finalist. Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe he's using again. I don't know what his deal is. The game will begin soon. Yeah, the game. According to the internet. Right. Which means that they're showing some rich cracker commercial, but we're in France. Speaking of Boston, though, because we're talking about the book that I'm reading right now.

How are you doing on time? I'm done. Oh, is it over? No, go ahead. What do you read? No, no, no. I was just saying, like I was telling you earlier tonight, that. I hate when you try to show me up by reading, by the way.

But I'm really late on reading this book. I'm really late on reading Gone Girl. We saw the movie ages ago, obviously. And now I'm finally reading the book because it was here. Which one was Gone Girl? Are you joking with Ben Affleck? Well, he did Gone Baby, Gone and Gone Girl. So Gone Girl was the one.

That's a good point. Yeah. He directed. That was like, you know, Chuck Berry. He did. He did Twist and the next year he came out with Twist Again. Yes. Chuck Berry and Ben Affleck.

Not Chuck Berry, but Chubby Checker. Chubby Checker. Chubby Checker. He was like, come on, baby. Let's do the Twist. And then a year later, he was like, Twist Again. Like we did last summer. Oh, let's twist.

Twist and time is here. I feel like we sound like the junior. Do you remember? Yes, we do, Chuck. My junior from, what is it? The Cleveland Show. Maybe. Maybe Cleveland sounds like Chuck Berry.

I mean, fucking Chubby Checker. My name is Cleveland Brown. And I am here to say. Back in my old time. No, he didn't talk like that. No, his son did. His son died? What?

No, it's a cartoon. Anyway. It's just the way he said that. I thought he was dead. He was overweight. I was just saying, I was reading. I have been reading this book, Gone Girl. And speaking of Boston, I just feel like Ben Affleck couldn't be more perfect casting

for the role of Nick Donnell. Because you've never met him. And you've read a bunch of fucking boss dailies. First of all, I have met him. You haven't? Yes, I have. No, you haven't. Yes, I have.

I was there and I met him and I shook his hand. Remember that night? Hello. No. Yes. It was like two fucking seconds. Jesus Christ. No, I didn't meet him.

You caught that meeting the guy that he walks by? I don't know him, but it was perfect casting. As he was on his way to talk to people that he actually knew, you're like, hey, I enjoyed you and that thing. And he said, oh, and he pat you on the head and he kept walking. I know him. We follow each other on Twitter. You're ridiculous.

I was ridiculous. I don't know him at all. I met him for two seconds. That's very true. Exactly. You fucking flashed your fucking chocolate brown eyes at him to no avail. Yep, and he couldn't care less. Bye, man.

Oh, this is funny. Can you not watch these fucking stupid fight videos? What is wrong with you? You really have the mentality of a 15-year-old boy sometimes. I swear to fucking God. Oh, you're so mature with your fucking gossip rags. But you'll watch these videos for hours and hours. Can you read about other people's fucking relationships, whether they're getting divorced

or not? What do you give a fuck? And I'm sleeping and all of a sudden I hear, oh, shit. It's like this video that you're watching, the same video over and over again. Someone falling down. Someone slapping somebody else. Somebody kicking somebody's ass. Someone getting into a fight and fucking Walmart.

It's like to say it's the way. You just got knocked the fuck out. Yeah, you love all that. Oh, shit. That's not all I like. What are you talking about, bro? All right. Well, come at me, bro.

All right, bro. Some douchebag holding this goddamn old ass Samsung. What else am I going to watch? That's not all I watch. I watch puppies and babies. I watch those fucking videos. They make me laugh. I watch the ones where the dogs are afraid to walk by the cats.

Some idiot on an ATV falling off and his friend being like, oh, you fucking wiped the fuck out. No, no. No, no, I got it. No, I got it. No, I totally got it. What do you watch? What do you read?

You read fucking Pink is the new blog as he draws those dicks on everybody's faces with the giz on it. There's a couple of things wrong with what you just said. Number one, Pink is the new blog hasn't been, well, maybe it's a still blog. Still blog. I don't know, but that was something that I read when we first dated, like in 2005 or something. Okay.

That's one. Yeah, but you still did it. I go to the drawing of the dicks and things by Perez Hilton, and I haven't read that and I don't even know how long. All right. Well, yeah. So how is that better than what the fuck I'm watching? I don't know.

Well, there you go then. The fuck is wrong with you? I watch easy funk based stuff with tabs. 100 amazing baselines. Oh, good. I watched somebody do a Stevie Ray Vaughn cover today. I watched a bunch of Stevie Ray Vaughn videos. I was watching his shit.

I watched, what do I got? Girl knockouts. Girl fights are the worst because they just grab each other's hairs. All street fighting. There you go. One punch knockouts. What is this number on the bottom? What are these numbers on the bottom?

That's somebody's... First of all, read that number. Phone number. That's a phone number. No, but read it. That's New Jersey 201406. No, no, no, no, but read it like it is an actual, is that 201 billion, 406 million? No.

Oh, it gives... No. No. No. All right. Well, that's a hundred. That's a thousand, ten thousand, a hundred thousand. That's a million.

That's a hundred million. That's a billion. That's a hundred billion. That's a trillion. That'd be 20 trillion. What is the point of all this? No, because I actually realized I see a number like that and I wouldn't know how to read it that way. Well, it helps if they put commas in it.

Okay, this is all street fighting. One hitter, one hitter quitters. Greatest one punch knockout ever compilation, part one. Let's watch some of these. Why though? Oh, this is boxing. Come on, white dude, just once. Oh, the white dude won!

Oh my God, the white dude won! Wow. Wow. Why did he barely touch him? Well, watch this. Like, seriously? You know what? I call bullshit.

That's some fucking, you know, Pulp Fiction in the FOOTH. Your ass goes down. Like, that's what that is. That's some Marcellus Wallace. Take the money and run. Listen, whether you believe it or not, you're already into the video. I know.

Yeah, it's crazy. Violence, you know, can be enjoyable. Alright, we need to end this thing. Alright, I'll end on that. Listen, everybody, I'm back in the U.S. and I can't wait to do this tour. So thank you to everybody who came out to my shows so I could take my lovely wife here to Paris.

I never thank you guys for that, but it goes without saying. Thank you. And thank you to everybody who's shown up on this next tour coming up. I can't wait to do it. And I've never toured this, I've done some shows with Bartonik, but I've never gone on a run like this. So it's going to be fucking great. And I'm really looking forward to getting back

and seeing old Clio Dio when we get back. Yeah. Alright, there you go. Happy birthday, baby. Shut up. Apple. That's it. Hope you guys have a great weekend and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Here's some conspiracy theory for you. Somebody said, Bill, he wrote, they are watching. And I got trashed for talking about conspiracy theory. I've been trashed for talking about those automated checkout lines in the grocery store and saying that I'm paranoid and I'm afraid of technology and all this technology is just going to help my life and make my life more easier. And why don't you trust these big fucking corporations, basically.

It's the shit that people will give me. So I have to get in trash for all, you know, talking shit about all these corporations. And actually having audacity to think that bankers were all trying to team up and have one world bank, you know, to become the loan sharks for not only individual but actual countries, okay? Which is something that I was thinking about

when I was at the Rose Bowl, stone sober, and I was sitting there on the golf course and I was looking at these houses up on the ridge of this hill that actually looked down on the Rose Bowl, the granddaddy of them all. These people have a house that looks down on it. And I was actually envisioning that those were all bankers up there. And while the game was going on and 104,000 people or 96,000 who ever showed up for that game

were sitting there going fucking crazy, one of those piece of shit bankers up there could put his hand on his son's shoulder and be like, see all those people down there? They owe all of us money. They all owe me money, son. I'm getting a piece of all of their fucking paychecks. And they don't even know it.

They don't even know that their daddy is looking down on him right now. Now, had I been drinking, that thought would have probably caused me to, you know, entertain the thought of climbing up that hill and throwing a rock through one of the windows, which of course I wouldn't have done because even my drunkest, I am aware that I don't want to go to jail and get raped. And secondly, I'm not going to go all the way up that fucking hill.

So what I would have done is I probably would have yelled at that kid with the light purple slacks. I would have commented really loud about that dude's fucking eczema flaking off into the back of his goddamn sweatshirt. So anyways, this guy sends me this email and he says, Bill, the days in this blog when I say they are watching are big business, not the Illuminati, but they are just as evil as any bank or secret society.

They don't even need your signature. Listen to this shit. They don't even need your signature for these information gathering traderware programs to monitor everything from where the device is to what your heart rate is. What is traderware? That's the question I had. Your digital camera may embed metadata into photographs

with camera's serial number or your location. Your printer may be incorporating a secret code on every page it prints, which could be used to identify the printer and potentially the person who used it. Now the fucking morons, the sheep out there would be like, yeah, that's in case you threaten the president. They're just doing it for the good of all people. If Apple puts a particularly creepy patent,

I guess Apple's applying for this. It's recently applied for the use for. You can look forward to a day when your iPhone may record your voice. Take a picture of your location, record your heartbeat and send that information back to the mothership. This is traderware, devices that act behind your back and portray your privacy. Now this is what the moron sheep are going to be saying.

Well, if you ain't doing nothing wrong, what's the problem? That's the philosophy. That was the philosophy behind why they can record your phone calls now. If you ain't doing nothing, we're chasing you. No frogs, you ain't doing nothing wrong. Do you realize how fucking dumb that mindset is? So basically, as long as you do what the people in power tell you what to do, you won't have a problem.

Do you understand how dangerous that is? Do you understand how fucking stupid it is at that level of faith in the people who rule you? You know what I mean? You haven't noticed how much power can fuck somebody over? For some reason, we only seem to focus on when celebrities get famous and then they wig out and start becoming these fucking mini tyrants. For some reason, people don't feel they just have like this

because they wave the flag and they play those songs that make you choked up and they feel like they'll have any sort of ulterior motive for this. This is the type of technology that allows a small group of people to take over the world. Something that sociopaths have been trying to do since the beginning of time and they were never able to do it because at some point your army would be stretched too thin. Right? The Germans, the fucking Roman Empire, all that shit. At some point, the fucking Japanese, all of them.

Everybody who's ever tried to fucking do it, at some point it gets stretched too thin. So America, what we've done is we've done the... We're putting this base here to protect you thing, that brilliant thing. That's how we got our world empire. So we just have a base. Then also we have these insane weapons where we can nuke everybody. So we were able to kind of do it that way. But the problem is when you really get into sociopathic thought

and just like those people who are so into power that it makes their dick hard is they want to know, they want to be able to see everybody, know what they're thinking and know what they're doing at all times. Because not only their psychos, but with that level of power becomes this unbelievable level of paranoia. Like those people with those houses sitting on the ridge looking down into the Rose Bowl. There's a fear. Like we sit there looking up and go, look, they got the fucking world.

There is a fear of when you attain that level of wealth of losing all of it. And you begin on this quest to quiet your mind. You want to get a level of wealth and control in your life that you are guaranteed that it will never go away in your lifetime or your kids' lifetime or your kids' kids. So basically everybody that you know and love will be okay and you will be okay. You get into that psychotic fucking mindset. And you give those kinds of people this level of fucking technology

and you're going to have a problem. I think that's unbelievable that this shit is. There's this website here, the EFF Electronic Frontier Foundation that is trying to fight these things being put into the tech, the cameras, the cell phones and all that shit. Like the fact that there's a tracking device in your cell phone. Like how come we didn't get to vote on that? How come we don't get to vote on that type of stuff?

I don't want people knowing where the fuck I am at all goddamn times. And I don't need you to show me, oh, we caught this fucking child molester with that. So because of that now everybody has to be like, give me a fucking break. They always have like a handful of good examples for that level of fucking control. And then there's a zillion bad ones. So I am 100% against this shit. And there's always been evil people in the fucking world. There's always going to be evil fucking people in the world.

And when you get, when you have this kind of technology, you're going to, you're going to stop, they're going to stop small evil, like individual, you know, a fucking serial rapist, which you definitely want to stop. All right. But the price we're going to pay is you're going to allow a Stalin or a Hitler, Pol Pot, whoever the fuck you wanted, that you're going to, with that level of technology, someone like that could get in power and run the fucking world.

So, you know, I don't know. And I totally 100% believe that you could roll all your fucking eyes, all you want. I honestly believe that. And I also believe that the reason why there's so many of us right now and that the people at the top are not fucking concerned about it is because we're all expendable. And when the waters rise up, the temperatures goes up and everything, they're not going to be the ones who are drowning.

You can guarantee that they're using our taxpayer money to build some sort of something to make sure that they're okay. And I think that their bailout plan, because they know they can't stop people from fucking because it feels too goddamn good. And dicks and pussies are readily available to anyone. It's like air, you know? So I think what they're going to gradually do is phase us out with robots and automated shit, which is why I refuse to use it.

Now, how fucking crazy do I sound right now? Has there been anything funny in the last fucking five? This is shit that I truly believe. You know, corporations own like the DNA of a grizzly bear. That's why they don't give a fuck that they're cutting down its habitat. They're like, I will fucking grow another one in a Petri dish. We're trying to take over everything and then wipe out. I think they're going to try to wipe out the poor in the middle class.

Keep a couple of us like a small handful of us. You know, the way that pandas are only in like zoos at this point or some shit. I don't know, maybe I picked the wrong fucking animal, but that's the direction I think it's going. All right, this is your first crazy rant, which was based mainly on gut feelings and a couple of emails. But I truly believe that. Speaking of which, you know,

do you guys realize that right now Brett Favre is getting sued? Instead of this shit, this is how fucked up the world is right now. Brett Favre is getting sued by the, by two masseuses because he tried to get some sort of sexual favors afterwards and they're, they're, they're suing for that. Do you understand that? Let me say that just one more time. Brett Favre is getting sued by a masseuse, two masseuses.

Is that how you say it? masseuses, um, masseuses, um, two masseuses for, for asking basically to, to, uh, you know, to bang them at the end of it. They're suing him. Can you fucking believe that? I just, it's fucking, that would, you know what that's like. That's like me suing a comedy club because I got heckled.

It comes with the job. There is not any masseuse, any female masseuse out there that listens to this podcast. Are you honestly going to tell me that you, that you've been rubbing guys' backs and their legs and their chest and all that. And you've no one has ever asked you for a fucking handjob at the end of it. It fucking comes with the territory. That's like being a cop ensuing the city cause you got shot at.

All right. You fucking put hot oil all over a guy's body and you rub everything but their dick. I mean, give me a fucking break. You goddamn cock teases. Yeah. People are going to ask you to rub one out. Okay. And if you had a shred of fucking decency, you'd do it.

You'd complete the goddamn job. All right. Because your sign says full body massage. All right. Last I saw my dick is still part of my body. All right. You know what they'll, you know what masseuses are like. They like the fucking quarterback who can't get it done.

You know, just always comes up a little bit short. They should fucking interview him afterwards. So, you know, like what happened in there? You know, I just didn't just didn't get it done. You know, it was like right there. All I do is just reach out and grab it. And I just, you know, we didn't want it. We didn't want it as much as they wanted it.

That's just like just that's such a classic piggyback lawsuit. It's like once that first stupid whore, you know, gave Brett Farve shit. This is very interesting that I've noticed about horse. Once one comes out of the woodwork, then all of a sudden 20 come out of the woodwork. You know, and then they always try to paint it as, well, we were too scared. We were scared. Fuck you. You were.

You're trying to make money and you're trying to build on the momentum of the other case. That's the female version of pulling a train on somebody. You know, the guy version is, you know, you and 80 of friends bang the same girl. The female version is, you know, you're a fucking whore and you're just waiting for a whore to sue a guy that you fucking banged. And then you fucking, you, you draft in right behind their lawsuit. Okay. You know, some of those masseuses, they'll actually come to your house and give you a full body rubbed down with oil. Okay.

And then have the fucking nerve to get upset that you try to get a hand job at the end of it. You know, give me a fucking break. Why don't you fucking masseuse broads, man the fuck up and start rubbing one out. Is it that goddamn hard? No pun intended. Is it that fucking difficult to just fucking, you know, it's like you're revving a motorcycle. That's it. That's all you got to do up and down, up and down with that fucking oil.

Yeah. You want that house on the Hill, sweetheart? There's a price to pay. All right. And when a quarterback who owns every fucking record, good and bad in the goddamn universe asked you to rub one out. God damn it. You fucking rub one out. Well, maybe you don't blog in this business sister.

That's right. Stare at your fucking manicured toes. Pedicured. Whatever the fuck you're supposed to say. Jesus Christ, mean spirit. Yeah. Something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com.