Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-12-20

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

Bill rambles about being optimistic, CrossFit, and deflecting guilt.

hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and why is my fucking cord making all this noise maybe time for a new one I have no idea hey sorry about yesterday I forgot it was Thursday I've been promoting season 4 of F is for Family which you can stream now on Netflix and I was also promoting the King of Staten Island starring Pete Davidson, Marissa Tomei, Steve Buscemi, Dom Lombardozi, a zillion other mod apatow a zillion people is now available to stream everywhere except Netflix it's not on Netflix yet but it's it's all those other places I tweeted

and Instagrammed about it all right I haven't been on the TikTok yet but I totally forgot yesterday that yesterday was was Thursday I completely spaced man so by the time I realized it was I'd already done Rogan's podcast and I came home and I got the two little ones to take care of now so now I'm doing it now so I apologize for it being late and I want to thank everybody that's already starting to watch F is for Family in the King of Staten Island saying all the nice things that you're saying it's a fun day for me all this hard work seen to get out there and people actually enjoying it so thank you very much and

with that I'll also be on the Joe Rogan podcast Joe Rogan experience today it should be posted today had a great time with him smoked a cigar oh freckles smoked cigar three days in a row three days in a row the night before my birthday my birthday and then I went in on Rogan and he had some cigars so and now I'm shutting it down again because I gotta tell you man it takes a lot out of you get all fucking dehydrated super tired and all of that shit so I don't think I'm gonna smoke another one nor do I really even want to until like August which makes me feel good that I kind of I can dip in and dip out because it is a

fun thing to do with a great friend like Joe Rogan and then it's also great to not do it because I'm an old ancient dad here so I shouldn't be doing that stuff so anyway it was fucking hilarious I went into Rogan and he was talking about this shit going on in Seattle and I had no idea what he was talking about and you know because I haven't been watching the news it's just I don't fucking screaming and yelling like all my screaming and yelling it's almost like watching a sporting event like no matter how much I scream and yell no matter how much I sit in my chair a certain way or try to switch up the mojo by jumping into

another seat I have no effect of what's going on the outcome of this I don't know it's hoping cool heads will prevail and something good will come about it but at the end of the day I think you know voting in that type of shit hopefully I did look up a few things well like what does defund the police mean I'm like what the fuck are you talking about me it's gonna have lawless in this out there and it was like no it meant taking some of their burden off of them before you get all freaked out like I did because I was like that that's ridiculous why would you do that it means to reduce the demands placed on

police and shift funding to mental health care housing and other social programs and you know that makes sense to me because I don't think it's fair for everybody to just live their life and ignore all the problems that we have and then the cops have to deal with the fallout of that so if funding mental health care you know I think a lot of people that are abusing drugs and that's type of stuff I don't know we had a cop right in one time from Canada was talking about decriminalizing that and treating it like a disease and then people could like step forward and all that type of stuff and just think of the

amount of people that maybe wouldn't die from odine because everybody else they're doing drugs with leaves because now you're part of like if this guy dies you're somehow connected with his death and can get go to you know jail time I had a friend of mine died like that and everybody fucking took off and just left them there so yeah anything that's gonna anything's gonna ease tension I am definitely for and I also think it's really interesting how Seattle handles their stuff where all those protesters went down to the whatever the fuck you call it the head guy in charge his house the mayor's house or something and they

just open the doors and they let him in there then that was kind of funny to me because it's like all right so now you're in the building so now what are you gonna do but it's just that not I don't know I don't I don't this shit is so fucking beyond anything that I actually even understand I live my own little life of watching old-school sports and that type of shit I have no idea what's going I just hope people are fucking you know out of all this which I really do believe something positive is going to come from this I hope before the people with the money do what they always do so let's get back to my little life here my little

life downloaded some cool new music a friend of mine let me know about this artist Gabriella Wilson I'm an old guy so I'm late to the party here she goes by her age period e period our period I downloaded both of I was so blown away by the first song I heard and I just started you know when on iTunes checked it out I downloaded both albums fucking outstanding incredible check that out if you get a chance to and I've been dealing with my daughter she's in this new phase super control freak like bossy shit you know and I know you're not supposed to say bossy remember the band the bossy thing say call a little girl

bossy and she starts to avoid leadership roles because she's afraid of being seen as unlikable that's a very extremely simplistic fucking I don't know is that all it is how about not creating a maniacal oppressive lunatic I mean I love my daughter okay I'm not trashing her obviously but I'm sitting there playing with and she's just like no dad that you have to sit there no come on dad you have to say this you say it's like dude this isn't playing this isn't like we're not we're both not having fun right now you're just telling me what to do and yelling at me telling me that I'm in pretending I'm doing it wrong yeah that's

being bossy and you shouldn't be like that and that has nothing to do with being a leader I don't think you know like if I this shit I've been saying about Trump it's like when COVID happened your first reaction to say well this came from China and make sure the blame was put where it was it's to me that as a as a follower that shows like weakness you know to have these protesters coming up to the fence and then you going down into the bunker that's not what you got to step up when you were a leader and I don't think that I don't know I don't know it's just it's just a weird fucking time it's just a

weird time where the cork is off the bottle on a lot of shit so it's gonna be a highly emotional fucking time and then it's gonna settle down and I think that people are gonna be like all right but you know there's a reason the word bossy exists I don't know some of that shit you just you're fucking and equating it to like a goddamn word like if you don't call somebody a word then all of a sudden they're gonna be a fucking president or something like that I mean none of it makes any sense all right if this dope can be fucking president it really I mean and can take in can like continue to make sense to

people and I'm not shitting on Republicans I'm just saying this fucking guy then I don't know it's it's beyond me I fucking hate this time in history right now it this is like nothing is fun nothing is funny I'm not on stand-up I'm fucking talking into myself I got nothing to fucking talk about every day there's something else some fucking idiot drives a car into a fucking crowd and then shoot somebody I mean Jesus fucking Christ and then meanwhile there's this fucking pandemic going on and all these fucking assholes are bumping fists out there spiking this shit while they're trying to solve this fucking problem

they're then they're gonna make a bunch of old people die or small businesses go out of fucking business because people gonna continue to get sick because now there's a spike in this shit so I don't know what the fuck I have no idea but I'll tell you right now this is no way to start a decade yeah it's fucking ridiculous and then meanwhile we'll fight in a couple of you know never ending goddamn wars that are fucking costing us a ton of money but other than that it's a beautiful day out there today and I'm gonna play one morning in Maine with my daughter you know and if she gets too fucking bossy

I'm gonna tell her that you know I don't say bossy but I just you know I think that's just a white woman thing you know they're sort of above criticism which is why I'm loving that okay Karen thing and a lot of the reactions to white women about that like wait you're in us but we're always the victims we don't have any privilege our white husbands take all of our privilege that fucking narrative the put-up on blonde white woman it's one of my favorite fucking that in the the and an indignant thief is my other favorite characters right now like I'm insulted by that question you know when you fucking call them up dude what

the fuck is with this goddamn fucking TV I got this fucking remote control where it's like it either shuts off the box or it shut and then turns on the TV or the other way around and I can't figure out this fucking Rubik's Cube fucking either that or I'm saying too much crazy shit on my podcast and they're fucking some assholes turning it on yeah Bill I think that that's what it is because you're that you're that important with your fucking horseshit okay so now that's off and then the fucking TV comes on so there's gotta be a fucking TV button TV off now that thing has a red light now let me bet this thing's gonna be like

humming now right why did I buy a pencil sharpener what the fuck why did I have a pencil sharpener what was it oh I know why I was fucking right now drum charts you know and I was and I bought an old-school one and I'm like there's no place to clamp it on to anymore fucking outside of the house so then I got an electric one you know like I'm some accountant in April in 1958 finishing everybody's goddamn taxes or the end of match anyway so I just been watching a bunch of shit I'm fucking I've had it guys I need to go back I gotta start doing fucking stand-up I am come I am officially out of shit to talk about I

don't give a fuck I just at this point am I nuts like fuck it I guess COVID is here to stay and you either live or you fucking die the only thing is though is these fucking hospitals now they got like you know 2,000 fucking patients all of a sudden 2,000 fucking patients come in on the same goddamn day I mean I gotta start getting guests on this thing we can just sit here and just talk about nothing you know so like what have you been doing what is what is your workout been throughout all of this by the way thank you for the birthday wishes on Wednesday I turned 52 pick up I had a great birthday I had a perfect birthday

I had I had I I had a root beer float and I smoked a cigar all right and you can call me simple you can call me they can call me the fuck you want I mean that's it's all I need you know goddamn people I at this point you know when you get to a certain point that they really should be just stop buying somebody's stuff I don't need any fucking stuff you know something I also realize if you've noticed me on these zoom conversations I have like five t-shirts that I wear and that's it I got a blue one I got a green one I got this Iceland one I got a Queens of the Stone Age t-shirt and I have a fucking Austin City Limits t-shirt

and that's pretty much it so I really only need like five fucking t-shirts you know I guess when I'm not working I don't need any of my button-down shirts oh Billy fucking bozo the clown when I go on stage I'm really realizing how all of this shit that I have I don't even fucking need this isn't anything what it is is I I need to fucking go on a drive I've been nomadic my entire adult life being on the fucking road and I need to I need to fucking I think I need I can't believe I need to go to a fucking airport need to go to airport and I need to go into a strip mall I need to stand on stage and I gotta dump all this shit

out of me yeah I gotta I gotta give it up to the protesters man I mean this is just like I'm pressing it's like two fucking three weeks of this shit and they are not letting up this is this is gonna change things I think in a good way but in the meantime I would love to go on stage and tell some fucking jokes to somebody anybody all right and then this is what I'd love to this guy says Pete Hegseth on Seattle protest zone we're getting a scary glimpse into what the leftists want everything has to be fucking labeled because once he's if he just said what these people are doing is fucking scary you could be so much

more open-minded when you read it or you wouldn't have your mind already made up with the people like oh these liberal snowflakes it's really a little bit of this see what this fucking guy has to say oh Fox News this isn't all this is a they are as open-minded as see it in see as protesters in Seattle continue to claim their own territory Fox and Friends weekend doesn't that sound fun Fox and Friends sounds like a kid show host Pete Hegseth said on Friday that leftist ideas such as defunding the police dissolving the southern border and revoking the Second Amendment will not work yet you what is this what is

dissolving the southern border by the way who are these fucking people making these like I know how to run the country well what is your would you major in political science the question is do you need to set do you send in troops do you say hey this isn't going to happen anymore or do you let Seattle sort of implode on itself it's a scary glimpse into the minds of leftists right now yeah people on the extreme left have lost their fucking mind same as the extreme right and it'd be nice if people at Fox News would occasionally call out extremists on the right and CNN could call out extremists on the left they

just don't fucking do it oh god there's got to be some other fucking news is there any other new Trump says he's fine with pushback from Pentagon leaders in reversal Starbucks will allow employees to wear black lives matter t-shirts people you have to understand the the quagmire that Starbucks is in all right they live by the bottom line okay and racist either hardcore or borderline by their coffee so all they're trying to do is just straddle the fucking line all right we'll say that we care but we won't in a clothing way state that we give a shit so I can sell a chai latte to an African-American or a fucking clan

member because at the end of the day people a corporation does not give a shit where their money comes from okay because you see they say we're not doing that and then all of a sudden today they're gonna do it why are they gonna do it because enough money said that's fucked up okay so they they don't they don't give a shit now are they guilty or they just playing the game the way that it's fucking set up I mean that's fucking disturbing the way that you can just you know there was another guy who got removed some CrossFit guy I'll tell you nobody is gonna enjoy the CrossFit community imploding like I am I mean this

has nothing to do with CrossFit it has everything to do with the fact that I just hate watching people running down the street when I'm fucking sitting there trying to eat you know eggs over aging I had some fucking idiot running down the street with the fucking coffee table lifting it up and down screaming and yelling like they're in the fucking military and I'm on a base CrossFit what a collection of fucking self-involved douchebags and I love that is they thought it was such a positive environment that their furor turned out to be a fucking asshole this has nothing to do with CrossFit it has to

do with the fuck I have cabin fever and I haven't been able to do what I love which is stand up it's finally hitting me it's after I said I didn't care after I said it didn't bother me after I said I didn't miss it that was me just denying my fucking feelings and now it's all coming to the surface alright let's see here what do we got here that's great disappointed some CrossFitter who looks like she could throw me through a fucking goddamn side of a battleship said she was disappointed with CrossFit's charges as former CEO still owns the company what did he say I want to know what he said cross Greg Glassman's

Greg Glassman that just sounds like somebody in your high school class he's there right he's just background Greg Glassman alright George Floyd scandal is a lesson in corporate compliance and how not to set a tone from the top yeah but exactly but here's the fucking thing about that all this is teaching people is to shut the fuck up I'm sorry my voice just cracking that's all that's teaching them it's not it's not you're not changing their hearts CrossFit CEO Greg Glassman got Glassman's not quote not racist tweet about George Floyd and the coronavirus and CrossFit subsequent lack of action is parap is a

parabola a parable I don't know of corporate compliance and ethics screw up of massive proportion it is proof that a damaged corporate culture has real cost yeah you could also equate that to the individual where we always make choices for ourselves first over the weekend Glassman responded to a tweet by the Institute of Health Metrics and Evaluation about the link between public health and racism by writing it's Floyd 19 referring to the man who was killed by white officers in the COVID-19 pandemic yes we can figure that out he went on to explain your failed model quarantined us and now you're going to

model a solution to racism oh oh he lost a bunch of money in his gyms that's what happened so he got all into his feels it's like first you see look at this guy he doesn't give a fuck have everybody come down here and sweat all over each other I don't give give me my money so I can have my horse this is this is this is a tale as old as time itself you hit this guy in his wall look at this guy he's like I don't know how how fucking old he is he still has a hat on backwards talking to young people yeah this guy yeah he's gonna make a bunch of fucking snap judgments on this guy

George Floyd's brutal murder of spark riots nationally quarantine alone is quote accompanied in every age and under all political regimes by an undercut of suspicion distrust and riots thanks wait that's what he wrote your failed model quarantined us and now you're going to model a solution well now who's he talking about and the quarantine model failed people because people didn't comply with it the reality is is if everybody stayed home it didn't fucking breathe on each other this thing would have burned out by now my nuts but then there was a bunch of people being like this

was designed to take trump down trump came up with this thing the buh buh buh buh you know you think it is america i can walk around into a bar if i want to right a bunch of people with no fucking background in in any sort of fighting a fucking pandemic a bunch of people with no fucking a bunch of people like me who don't even know what the fuck they're talking about went out and fucked that whole thing up so i don't know who he's yelling at oh my god is it me is this podcast the most mind-numbly boring thing you've ever heard in your life because it is for me i am so fucking sick of all of this fucking shit i i'm sick of it i'm fucking sick of it and i can't fucking deal

this is why i don't go on i don't i this is why i stay off the internet i am so fucking sick of everybody's fucking god damn fucking opinions about shit and not looking at themselves and how the fuck they're contributing to shit and i'm just sick of not having fucking happy topics where in the fucking news is there just something silly and ridiculous that i can fucking make fun of because i never i never had a heavy podcast i never wanted to have one all right crossfit guy glassman 10 athletes banned from crossfit games for steroids oh Jesus part of the fucking internet of my on all right man seriously injured in west sea at all shooting that's not fun

too dead in south seattle shooting woman killed man injured in north seattle shooting seattle police shoe this is all seattle seattle seattle seattle that's like the early 90s again after fatal shooting seattle seattle am i in the wrong okay world here we go let's get to some good news let's get to the world news uh faded away into a dark nightmare north korea says diplomacy with trump has failed i thought him and that guy were boys us iraq talks promise us troop withdrawal falls short of timeline all right well good good see we're gradually pulling out of there international crime court condemns us sanction order sounds like fun arab envoy warns israelis that annex annex add i'm too dumb for this page boris johnson says attacking

statues is lying about our history um is it well isn't that finally an honest response from people that were uh caught under the tires of those people it's not like books about those people the statues you really don't need a fucking statue do your statues fucking a statue was as dumb as a fucking headstone on a grave i never understood that it's right you're dead put them in the ground and help them enrich the fucking soil we're all part of nature let's do this right put them in the ground butt ass naked no shoes unless they're biodegradable biodegradable all right the woman behind france's black lives france's black lives matter movement wants a race blind society to recognize its racism new corona cases see beijing closed

two food markets scrap plan to let some kids resume school do this is just this is fucking uh let's let's let's go how about some sports sports news how about that what do we got here sports news significant number of players disappointed about not having a vote oh my god nca committee recommends six weeks calendar to start 2020 college football season yeah um latest sports news okay here we go something fun guys if i didn't have a bunch of shit i had to go fucking do i would literally scrap this fucking podcast um oh alex kora astros sign stealing scandal wasn't just two-man job no shit yeah i know and you know what that mobbed up n b a ref wasn't just by himself

all right since the boston red sox fired him for his role in the houston astros electronic sign stealing scheme from 2017 former manager alex kora has kept a low profile now he wants to clear a few things up oh this is why epstein got whacked all right i have read many things that are true and many others that are not kora told espn out of this whole process press process if there's there's one thing that i can completely reject and disagree with his people within the astros organization sing singling me out particularly fired and suspended fired and suspended general manager jud lund now is if i were the sole mastermind the commissioners report sort of explained in its own way what happened but the astros players have spoken up and refuted

any allegations that i was solely responsible uh if there is one thing i'm absolutely sure of it is that it was not a two-man show we all did it and let me be very clear that i am not denying my responsibility because we are all responsible yeah i mean if you own the fucking baseball team okay and then all of a sudden somebody was drilling a hole in the fucking the wall out and out in the fucking center field you wouldn't notice you wouldn't have somebody walking over going what the fuck is going on here hey mind your fucking business um yeah what are you gonna do what are you gonna do you know when there's money and whores and cocaine at the end of the rainbow like people are gonna do shit uh once allegations

of sign stealing were published by the athletic in november major league baseball launched an investigation which led to january firings in a one-year suspension of lund now and former astros manager aj hinge core the bench coach of the 2007 world series champion took the red sucks job that off season and won the world series with blaster the next year the red sucks fired core two days after lund now and hinge were let go they weren't let go they got a one-year suspension now you watch this all the baseball is fucking outrage these guys will get jobs again uh mlb's report found an operation far more limited in scope and impact in boston and the penalties were much lighter uh oh really that's surprising the two-man show or they just didn't want to seem like

they always do that like it was just one fucking year uh the two-man show core referred to was him and former player carlos beltron uh who was hired and fired by new york metz this off season for his role in the scandal out of respect for the investigation i decided to stay out of the spotlight talking about it wasn't going to change anything core told espn i deserve my suspension and i'm paying price for my action and i am not proud of what happened well you look pretty excited when you won the thing uh we made it we made a mistake as a group the entire astros team what happened was something that if you asked anyone involved no one was is proud of it we're all at fault everybody we're all the responsible everyone who was part of the team for oh my god that must have been the

after party must have been so fucking gross as you're sitting there fucking hugging on each other we did it we did it and in the back of your head you have to know you somebody's got to be like dude this is fucking this is ridiculous right the fuck are we celebrating here um oh look now i clicked on some clickbait celebrities we forgot were married did we forget um as anybody had the nerve to uh watch that video i saw this i saw a quick little clip of uh uh celebrities owning up to their own racism and what i'm going to guess is this going to be a lot of white women crying uh the genius the genius of crying is you can own up to what you did while getting comforted you know i think if you're a woman as a guy people just make fun of you

or maybe none of the no men have ever had the courage to try to fucking you know use that emotion um all right legal zoom it's a whole new world out there everybody we're all faced with new challenges if you need legal help to overcome some of yours that's where legal zoom fits in maybe you've been wondering about the best way to protect your family or maybe you're thinking about starting a business but you don't know the best way to do it don't let legal questions hold you back legal zoom has uh been dedicated to helping you uh with the right solution for more than 19 years if you're looking to protect your family with a will or living trust or you're thinking about the right way to start a business with a dba llc non-profit or

moa legal zoom legal zoom's got you covered it's easy to get started online why am i reading this like fucking christopher walked cadence it's easy to get started online and if you're if you need guidance and their networks of attorney come on and if you need guidance their network of attorneys can provide advice to ensure you make to ensure you make the right choices and since legal zoom isn't a law firm you won't have to leave your home and you won't get charged by the hour visit legal zoom dot com today to take care of some important things you need to get done and that's legal zoom dot com legal zoom where life meets legal you know uh part of the rogan podcast we were talking about pubic hair how it was once something people were proud of and then gradually

trimmed and then tried to eliminate and uh i can't believe that we we didn't even fucking hit upon like there's gotta be there's gotta be something out there in the internet webosphere about all the covet bushes out there at this point all these poor women who can't go in and get fucking waxed you know tend to the beehive down there it's gotta be a tough thing oh for god's sakes my wife's texting me here by the way how do you shut off the fucking thing other than hitting mute but then you can't watch videos of this fucking thing going bing every time you get a uh every time you get a fucking um text message oh look at that nice day just watched king of statin island you fucking crushed it got me hyped for our thing oh good deal i don't even know who that is because

i'm still getting text messages from fucking just numbers you know what that means i think no you know what my my my uh my my computer will only accept text messages from iphones it won't take him from from other people with their androids all right i gotta have these things here all right baby okay all right let's leave it that all right i gotta go take care of the baby he's awesome he's looking around he hears noises and he's turning his head towards it um what else he's really strong and he's so cute and i love him to death and the greatest thing ever when i was i was holding my son and then my lovely daughter came up and gave him a kiss and i had my arm around my daughter and i was holding my son and i gotta tell you man that's what it's all about and uh i want to thank

my lovely wife for everything she has gone through in both pregnancies and i want to do a i want to apologize to her for suggesting we have a third right after she just had a c-section i really want to apologize to her for that um like this is awesome come on let's do one more um all right that is uh that is it i'm gonna go play t-ball with my lovely daughter uh i'm sorry this one was really this this quarantine thing is fucking getting to me like it's getting everybody else i tried to put on a brave face for you for a long time and i'm just showing that maybe i'm a little human and it's really bothering me i hate everything that's going on right now i hope people come together for a better world i really do i hope people you know drug addicts get treated like

you know they have an illness i think um there's something to be said about you know controlling people and then there's also something to be said about you know letting people hearing people's voices and uh i have empathy for everybody involved that's what i have okay i don't think it's fair to make it out that all cops are like those fucking murderous assholes in minneapolis we need to figure out a way to fucking get rid of those people on the force and um you know and i also think all the whole black lives matter thing and people finally white people finally listening and joining it and trying to make a change i think this is all going to come to a good place we're just in the tough part right here at the growing pains of this but uh i'm confident that

it's going to get to someplace better and um the covid thing's the only thing that's bumming me out that it's starting to spike again and all these fucking overworked doctors and nurses are now going to see a bunch more patients uh please don't be a selfish cunt okay you know as we try to like get back to some sort of a normal life just try to you know i don't know what it is but rogan said something great on his podcast as he always does whether they're just talking about how to avoid it they're not talking about your immune system and that type of shit so i don't listen to his podcast don't listen to me because i'm a dummy that's it uh that is the podcast go fuck yourselves have a great weekend you cunts and i will see you on monday and uh i will i

promise you guys on monday i'm gonna do a bunch of research on the internet and i will look for some silly shit for me to talk about because i don't want to be just another thing that's out there talking about what everybody already knows i would like to be an oasis where you can put your brain on pause for a second and listen to my dumb stupid fucking thoughts about praying mantises eating hummingbirds you know and dumb shit like that all right that's it god bless you and god bless everybody out there uh hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday

june 11th 2012 which i am actually recording on sunday june 10th which is my birthday my birthday it's your birthday you fucking cunt another year's gone by you're still sitting there in that fucking place you don't want to be so eat some cake blow out the candles but not in that order or else you will burn your fucking mouth mouth m o u f f mouth um hey did did manny packy out lose last night is that what i heard somebody left me a message that he fuck he lost that's unbelievable i can't believe that little roided up guy couldn't do it i think everything is fucking fixed don't listen to me i don't think it's possible for a guy who comes in and 109 pounds to put on 40 pounds of muscle not lose any

speed or any power get actually get faster and stronger okay i've seen that show it's called the fucking bionic man that's the only thing that was missing that's what they should have shown in the beginning of all packy out fights was him crashing some experimental aircraft like john denver except he doesn't die you know and john denver would have died wouldn't have died he would have lived if he wasn't wearing those stupid glasses that's what did him in those little granny glasses like he sat around making cookies in a tree you know like those keepler elves that's what killed him a lot of people don't know that they thought it was massive head trauma and uh and uh carnage to his rib cage area with the with the vitals there behind it

you know the floating rib that they gave over to that fucking cunt who couldn't stop eating the apples right it wasn't that it wasn't massive head trauma it was very minimal very specific he slammed his head off the experimental dashboard and uh his mainstream glasses then shot it through his eyes into his brainstem rocky mountain ha colorado and then he died and that's what happened everybody blamed the aircraft you know but everybody who actually goes out and gets a pilot's license i believe on the first day they tell him not to wear those glasses when's the last time you got on a plane and you saw your pilot wearing those john denver glasses all right there's a reason for that think about it um what am i talking about here

um two can they show that fucking john malkovich talking to his phone and just having the time of his life commercial one more fucking time what's more annoying that one or where that weird family does the uh the acapella version of ozzy osbourne's crazy train with that random black kid in the back like where did they get that kid like you know is he an exchange student and he just seems like he's over all of it and not enjoying hanging out with the other white people as he fucking shakes the ice in his in his grape drink you know and then they got to end that great song with the parents singing like they're on broadway going off the rails on a crazy train you know anybody else with me on that john fucking malkovich sitting there all you know

if that if that commercial was 30 seconds longer he'd have the phone like like blowing him tell me a joke do i have anything coming up tonight no lobster souffle or whatever pretentious fucking foodie orders was a pretentious bill or you just not cultured in his order made you feel dumb all right you got me on that one you got me on that one um i'm the only one who's creeped out that there's a fucking robot in my phone or whatever it is it's that they try to make it human why did they do that just make it sound like a robot how can i help you massage parlor there is a massage parlor one point four just do it like that so i it still keeps that like we keep that distance i don't need intimacy with this thing that isn't fucking alive i

don't need that 2001 space odyssey experience that's all i'm trying to say here people oh he's bill burr he's mad at phones get out of his way everybody this guy's got something to say what's the deal with john mogovich um do you ever wonder if you're gonna stand the test of time your decisions you know what i mean i had a fucking panic attack last night you know turning 44 years old i just woke up middle of night like jesus christ i'm sliding into 50 you know and i don't give a fuck how well you take care of yourself when you're 50 you fucking look 50 unless you had some fat for your ass blasted into your face and then you just look shiny but everybody knows you're 50

you're not fooling anybody with your real housewife four forehead are you four forehead eight head huh is that show still on you know how long they got to keep doing that to their clams are hanging out of their bikinis isn't that how is that how long they're gonna do that one for let's try to beat beat out the drew carry show how many fucking episodes of that how many years of that fucking show do they do while people still didn't give a fuck um oh the second they rolled in that fat lady with the crazy makeup i mean right there it's just like we're really not gonna develop anything on this show are we we're just gonna try to keep it uh just keep it wacky um oh jeez there goes the phone hang on a second hang on a fucking second christ sake why don't

i shut the damn phone off who's this who's this don't be my mom it's my dad oh i just chose the podcast over my own father who i owe i owe a huge apology to i owe a huge apology to my dad all right last night i was sitting on the couch boo doodoo doodoo minding my own fucking business um i was watching metal mania on vh1 metal mania cleo i think my dog is sleeping with with his eyes open oh no she just moved her eyebrows dude what the fuck did you just go uh cleo whatever you're thinking about it's gonna be okay okay all right anyways you know it's weird when my dog sees a squirrel through a window it it cries like like it's a long lost buddy but if my dog is outside and there's a squirrel

you know if there's no window between my dog and the squirrel it will try and rip its fucking head off so i don't did anybody know anything about dogs what is it crying about is it crying like i want to rip its head off i wish i could just end that thing's fucking life you don't make any sense to me anyway so i'm watching fucking metal mania alliteration this has got to be a hit show right so i'm watching this shit and uh at the risk of pissing off a lot of listeners i think most metal slash hair metal it arguably is the worst fucking music ever made worse than disco i don't know why disco gets such a bad rap like disco is the is the default example of bad music the way hitler is the default

example of of evil dude he's the next hitler it's always the next fucking hitler never pull pot you know never fucking i don't know picking up i don't even know another one you know i've been the terrible is that a wrestler or is that a comic strip i don't horrible haggar i don't fucking know right see i don't even i don't even have any other examples who's fault is that build is a library right down the street i'll go fuck yourself you know what i'm saying um everybody always talks about disco and how bad disco was and they just need to be a change man right and like then they'll talk about like the police and all this new wave shit and the punk scene and all that

but what they they completely fucking ignore is that right after disco just immediately the mainstream then went over to like this fucking heavy metal music like that was better than disco i think it's fucking worse and i i think all these times where they keep saying that everybody there was a big change and that this quality music came out i don't know if that happens i think it just you know you know nirvana comes around and then what four years later everybody's listening to fucking otah or the mainstream is it's just this long tragic just flat line of shit music i was watching the shit last night shit that i used to like and my jaw was on the ground how fucking bad it was it was horrible i actually i it was so bad i was like texting paragraphs

to the sensation joe de rosa capital records the guy who built capital records joe de rosa i'll actually you go well i'll i'll get a little intimate here with you i'll read you the text message i fucking wrote joe joe where the hell are we where the hell are we joe hair slash heavy metal is the worst music ever made disco gets a bad rap watching metal mania on vh1 guns and roses queens rike wasp quiet riot david lee roth solo shit it's fucking god awful yeah i saw david lee roth on on his uh eat him and smile tour and i saw that video last night going crazy from the heat that sounds like a song wallberg's character would have written with john c riley and boogie knights remember that he will rock you and he will roll you like it was it was that bad

teenage frankenstein i'm a teenage frankenstein you're telling me that that song is better than more than a woman more than a woman to me you know i mean i think arguably it's i don't know i can't believe the shit that i used to watch and like i used to listen to this shit around chicks you know just hopelessly thinking that this would get me laid like they would think that i was some badass like loner bang your head i mean the whole fucking the fact that i never got laid in high school it just fuck it went away right in that moment it was like this is what i was gonna do i wasn't gonna try to make him laugh i wasn't gonna hit on him i wasn't gonna try to i was just gonna play this music around him and this was gonna bring me to the fucking promise

looking like a fucking teenage ron howard that was my game plan is it any wonder i failed jesus christ and i remember i would be watching it on a big square tv just watch lay it down lay it down this fucking horrific fucking music and my dad would come in and just have his face would just be all twisted up going jesus christ what the fuck are you listen you like this shit and i thought i was a rebel i mean he doesn't understand man you know what he totally understand he totally understood my dad called it back in 83 called it jungle music says a bunch of shit he told me straight up came in he was like son this music you're listening to is fucking horrible and there was all this shout at the devil is anybody

really gonna sit there and defend that fucking song you couldn't fucking you could fucking a five-year-old could write that on a xylophone shout at the devil never knew why we were shouting you know blacky lawless blacky lawless that was his show name and he took a radial arm saw and he's cut the blade in half and put one hat one blade on one of his forearms and one on the other on these leather i'm gonna do a bunch of dishes in an evil way gloves and we all thought he was crazy dude can you imagine if he gave you a forearm shiver it was just it used to throw fucking raw meat to the crowd a couple of them did that's why that lady gaga covering her clam in that fucking pastrami it's just been done you know comes out in that fucking egg from morc

i don't know i've seen the nasally horror act my whole fucking life you know those fucking chicks with the big noses they they can you know that's like white people's answer to the big black girl who can sing in church we we what what the what the chick we bring to that fight is the it's the white chick with the big nose white chicks with big noses can sing i don't know what it is bob restreis and it's a right right i don't know is it's like their nose is like that dome at the top of all those concert halls there you go bill try to spit it out you dumb fuck but um i want some emails people i want people try to tell me how uh round and round love will find a way just give it time let me tell me

the musical validity that that has over like disco that all those people probably at kamiski plaque when they blew up those disco records like fucking five six years later that's what they were listening to nobody that was a hit that was a hit in the 80s wow do i owe my dad an apology i i just i was sitting there just one video after a queen strike i mean all this stuff that i thought was just fucking unbelievable you know what i'm going to get emails this week it's like i don't know what it's going to be it's going to be like people either going to be like yes absolutely this is going to be there's going to be no middle ground people are going to 100 percent agree with me or uh i'm going to get punched in

the face by eddie trunk i just i was taking a back i mean i haven't seen those videos and fucking forever occasionally i'll go back and i'll look at some old videos but i mean a lot of it was like ac dc like shit they can like you know i mean back in black is timeless there's some timeless shit in there you know i even watched that guns and roses sweet child of mine i thought i thought it was horrible and that little fucking shim sham dance he was doing it's just was oh and then the emotion he tried to have in the end all right and they kind of closed his eyes like i really went somewhere when i was just fucking horrible you know i was right down i helped hold it up uh death leopard pour some sugar

from me i hated that when that fucking came out and all the ladies liked it and he came out in his acid wash jeans i actually saw him on that tour didn't i yeah rentals call us see him and tesla opened up tesla which i didn't think they were that bad they weren't that bad i don't know i thought you're supposed to go back and listen to the fucking music of uh of your youth being like wow that stuff was all that was awesome man remember that and then you know that was the first time i tried blow you know reminiscent actually first time i ever saw cocaine uh saw it and saw it being done was uh at the providence civic center i saw acdc on the who made who tour with loudness the japanese heavy metal band that couldn't speak any english yet sang in english um i just can't imagine

the disconnect as she's i can't imagine like memorizing a bunch of japanese and going and over there just singing it and then not knowing what the fuck i was saying going out there i have no idea what i just said t shirts are 20 bucks did i just say that or did i say are you ready to rock i have no fucking idea um anyways so i saw them they opened up and uh anyways we're out in the parking lot and we're drinking beers thinking we're crazy driving of course because it's the 80s this is right around before right before mad kicked in they used to bring like wreckage from a fatal drug driving accident anybody else's high school do that they actually brought a car from a fatal drug driving uh accident and they dragged it onto the lawn of our campus

if you want to call it a campus a little island with a tree they just left it there and we all just stared at it trying to figure out how many people in the car how many people died and then we just walked away like you know and you're young you don't give a fuck 10 minutes later you're talking about dude i'm getting fucking wrecked tonight wrecked that was the word get wrecked getting destroyed hammered right so anyways we're driving down there beer between your legs as you do see 80s you know you're fucking lifted weights all that week never all of it above the waist curls fucking benching shoulders nobody did squats in the 80s nobody did right so you got your fucking tight 501 blues on with your little pencil fucking legs and then you over

developed upper body your stupid gold chain and uh and you had a beer between your legs that's how you did it so we're fucking going down they were probably on eight a piece fucking hammered i was driving this piece of shit 83 Ford ranger i got like five fucking drunk friends in the back which was still not even grounds for getting pulled over you could just have people in the back like you were bringing fucking turkeys off to slaughter nobody gave a shit right so we pull in and right as i pulled up and i got a parking spot there was this kid he had his door open and he kind of had like a sammy hagar meets john fogni haircut blonde hair i remember he fucking did a line right as i was pulling up and i had fortunately had my window up and he saw

me and he saw we all had acdc t-shirts on or whatever and he just got out of the car was just screaming it's like a haunted house right up to the fucking window and i was just trying to take it all in like okay he just how am i supposed to behave around somebody with with who's on coke does this guy have like you know hulk strength right now is he gonna tip over the truck um anyways that was the first that was the first time i saw blow i didn't even know what the point of all that was i was just shocked look i know it wasn't all bad like this the early metallica you know right through injustice for all i know that that stuff was great but uh i'll tell you it is slim fucking pickings my friends slim pickings um uh i i don't even i didn't know

what to tell you i mean i even go back sometimes i try to listen to appetite for destruction i know that's this this watershed fucking moment in that music with some of those fucking songs they're out to get me so you can suck me take that one to heart kill yourself um all right that ought to get me a lot of fucking criticism uh okay well let's you know i think it's time for some advertising you're listening to the monday morning podcast by the way and this is my uh my trip down memory lane the 1980s the fucking 80s did i nail it though by the way everyone had the 501 blues remember that button fly dude i washed him three times and your nuts couldn't breathe you know and you wonder why you

got all these fucking crazy kids that need to be on drugs now there you go hey everybody father's day is next weekend god knows i'm gonna get my dad a man great guy tried to help me out 30 friggin years ago telling me that the music i was listening to sucked and i didn't even listen to him um you gotta act quickly on this one seriously uh it's monday all right is there anything worse than when either mother's day or father's day comes around and you ran out of time and you didn't get him a card you didn't get him flowers you didn't get him you didn't get him a damn man great why don't you just take care of it today all right just go on there slap it on your card and he's gonna be psyched he's gonna be psyched father's day is next weekend you gotta act quickly and get the

perfect father's day gift it's the man get man great grill enhancement system it's a heavy duty grill it's a hundred percent made in america with cast iron grilling grates to upgrade any grill out there on the market um making you and your family very happy Jesus they could have got better copy on that one making everybody happy instead of sad act now and get the 20 dollar monday morning podcast special by clicking on the man great banner on billbird.com all you do is go to the podcast page you you click on the man great thing and every billbird order comes with a heavy duty man great grilling brush um so for father's day go to billbird.com the podcast page hit the button and take advantage of our uh special 20 dollar offer um these things

are great instead of having like those little wussy you know like when you buy your your grills you have like you know little skinny you have all the way from the little hibachi ones that they're the size the uh the grill marks basically the size of pretzel rods and then if you get a halfway decent one you know they move up to the the thick pretzel rods remember when you were a kid you're pretending like you smoked a cigar wouldn't it be great if you could just switch it out and just have the same size ones you do when you go to your favorite steak houses that's what these guys are doing with the man great it's actually a genius system um and it kind of annoys me that i didn't think of doing that it's the same like it's like building a hot rod right you're switching out the crap you

got at the factory to put on some high-performance stuff help your dad supercharge his grill this friday maybe he'll make you a burger you know and you guys can share an awkward hug the man great everybody 20 dollars off there we go there we go that was that was easy that was easy advertising oh and by the way i finally sent off a check to the the wounded warriors project so i can stop feeling like a fraud i know i told you i finally got a check in two weeks ago but i've been so damn busy that i couldn't take two seconds to click on the internet to find where to send the check and we gave him a nice check i rounded it up to the next hundred because i'm a good shit and uh felt like it did my good deed and if you're new to my podcast you're wondering

oh how can i donate to this podcast and the wounded warriors project all at the same time just go to bill burr dot com click on the podcast page and uh and you'll see a banner for amazon all right if you're gonna buy anything on amazon dot com instead of just going directly there just go to the podcast page on my website click on the banner and uh whatever you buy on there they kick me a percentage and then i take 10 percent of that give it to the wounded warriors project and now you can feel good about yourself knowing that you helped a group of people that truly needed it and one jackass who uh probably doesn't all right all right that started off good that started off as a good read you know it's a good read remember that three o'clock hi um

all right let's get back to the uh the podcast um all right what do we got here should you know i think it's time i think it's time for a uh for a for a pyramid scheme let's read this one hello mr burr i like that very formal a lot of respect we did it out of respect we were wise guys we did what we wanted um i am writing to you today because i need some help about something uh recently my girlfriend's father mother father separated thank god uh started really really annoying everyone with calls emails and meeting requests for some mlm multi-level marketing aka pyramid schemes oh it's pyramid schemes retarded little brother all right your girlfriend's father started really annoying everybody okay i'm back on pace here all right at first it was please look at a dvd

about a poor guy becoming a rich guy by spending his time building a water aqueduct instead of wasting his time like the second guy doing the hard work and carrying the water on his back to the village um plan for the future they said or some other bullshit of that sort uh there's been a few other great and amazing business opportunities that i could just delete from my inbox but this time it's just gone too far oh okay so first he gave you the dvd then he's sending you some emails and it was sort of yeah whatever you know use the dvd as a doorstop or maybe to break up your weed and then you just delete the emails so so far he's not being annoying let's move on to the second that's the first 10 pages of this screenplay all right let's move on to the action here now he requires

all of us to drop all our phone internet providers to go with his offer what do you mean he requires you he actually can't get anyone to go along with that crap but as in every fable he's got many pseudo facts about a big thing that will come oh big thing that will make this company rich and that for the small fee of five hundred dollars we can start selling those great deals too how is this shit legal um by now he's contacting me every day text messaging me emails facebook comments all of that at first he was nice now he's starting to use his skills on me saying things like he's doing this for me and for his daughter's future i couldn't believe he argued back when i told him i believed it was not worth my time and effort for the little monetary reward

good for you he said i was wrong not to want to do it i mean my opinion is wrong lol uh in any case if it was anybody else i would take pleasure why can't i read this week i mean i know i can't read every week but this week i'm just really just was it because i just had bacon is the grease fucking up my clogging up my uh synapses here all right let's try this bill let's try a little momentum in any case if it was anybody else i would take pleasure out of telling him to go fuck himself with his residual income and that i am perfectly happy to be a fucking loser with the linear income uh he taught me those terms yuck uh i want to tell him that i would like to work by the hour better than having to beg or suck a dick in the

back of a gas station to sell a phone internet package that will be worth a few points i already have a great day job i work on my photography i play pc games i jerk off a lot too i have no time for this not that i would even not that i would even if i had the time i'm thinking of a good old fading technique i learned in the past love relationships but i'll always be there at christmas parties and such pitching his bullshit please help me before i strangle him thank you um all right what do you do here well you've already done what i said what i was going to think to say was basically say i'm not interested um why don't you make your own dvd and when he hands you a dvd of what you should be invest investing in you just hand him a dvd of you going thank you

for your interest in making me a millionaire unfortunately at this time i am not interested please don't try again later just to see how annoying he is why don't you start spamming him nah that's gay don't do that sorry i'm fucking throwing shit against the wall here what can you do why don't you just anytime he starts bringing it up just anything oh Jesus just fucking yell something why don't you just go oh my god really loud and walk out of the room every time he does how about you get an air horn and at any time he brings it up just just right in his face something i don't know what i mean i don't i don't know you already told the guy you're not interested i can tell you what you don't do don't bitch about him to your girlfriend all right he's his own

separate annoying entity and uh always keep it a joke between you and your girl you know that's the only way you can do it if you really care about this girl and you want to and you want to stay with her if you don't this is a great reason to fucking dump her but i mean i don't know what to tell you uh this is your girlfriend's dad and uh to be honest with if he wasn't doing this shit he'd probably do something else that would annoy you you know maybe this is his passive aggressive way of trying to just ruin a part of your life because he knows at the end of the day you're fucking his kid do you ever think about that why don't you stop being so selfish put yourself in his position for as annoying as his his you know

pyramid scheme is the end of the day when you need your dick suck you're going to this guy's daughter so you know if you if you look at it that way i think that you're winning all right all right bill fathers here's another topic uh what's with fathers having this the standard ringtones standard father's shoes and not giving a shit what they wear for a hat oh i can answer that despite the fact that i'm not a father i know what that is it's what i've been fighting my entire adult life is having the woman in your life just wear you down it's not even that and then just the laws and it's what happens when you get married as a guy is the pilot light goes out

for a lot of things you just don't give a fuck anymore you know i know you have kids so you put them first and all of that type of shit but this it as much as it's from what i've heard having a kid is the greatest fucking thing ever and i'm not making fun of that but there is a part of you that dies you know that howling at the moon that fucking you know going out just living there's just something there's a part of life that just dies and you just don't give a shit you're a beaten man all right you gave in the love you're married there's no way out without just fucking having your wallet ripped out through your balls and then back into your chest cavity through your heart and through your spinal cord you're fucked you're looking at a

beaten man he doesn't give a fuck all i need is the phone to make a noise you know and i can i know it's ringing and i'll answer it i just need these shoes to cover my feet so it doesn't hurt if i step on a nail and i don't get wet when it rains and i don't give a fuck i just don't want to get a sunburn on top of my head i'll fucking wear whatever hat you give me i don't give a shit you just don't give a shit after a while i guess what it is it's really sad actually when that part of you dies you know what i mean like i hate all that that midlife crisis shit that people talk about that if you're in your your midlife you can't go out and have a good time if you go out and get hammered if you buy a cool car you know if you haven't played guitar forever

and then you want to start playing guitar again it's like are you trying to recapture your youth now i'm trying to fucking live i'm trying to have something that excites me you can't be excited beyond a certain fucking age when are you gonna grow up i think it's time to grow up and if anybody says that even if it's a woman you slap them right in the fucking face and say how dare you that's how you get away with it because the second the bouncer sees you slap a woman in the face he's coming over there to choke you out but if he hears the magic phrase how dare you he stops in his track because he immediately knows that the woman was completely out of line that that works try it out this weekend slap a woman in the face and and then scream how dare you

i guarantee you that the physical way that you're removed from that bar will be less than if you just hauled off and slapped a woman if you just haul off and slap a woman you're an animal okay if you if you say how dare you right afterwards you're sort of the victim that theory has never been tested if you're a faithful listener i'd like you to try it out not just randomly you know you got to find a woman that deserves it in other words stand in a bar for about eight minutes this is don't don't do it i do not condone uh the slapping of women that was actually to get me out of any legal trouble and i said it in a funny voice so then i'll get in trouble or weren't you mocking or it wasn't that wasn't even the warning part of

the comedy mr burr go fuck yourself counselor i thought you're supposed to wear one of those matlock suits um all right uh derosa's bio what the hell is this bill i was reading joe derosa's imdb bio and it said something like he did all these things despite the fact that he was born without shoulders is this a fact um no that's actually people who say joe like that whole urban myth that joe derosa doesn't have shoulders is like the same thing like that mama cast from the mamas and papa's died by choking on a chicken bone you know people just assume that that's why she died because she was a fat chick but that isn't how she died of a cardiac arrest but the rumor started that she died choking on a chicken bone and uh and it's stuck like that gerbil up

richard gear's ass that's just some urban myths that just never died that just have no facts behind them um that whole richard gear he had a gerbil up his ass and he got stuck or some shadow ran the wrong way to fucking fell asleep in a rest area up his ass i don't know what the fuck happened but you know that like it's the stupidest thing i've ever heard in my life and that was just clearly started by somebody whose girlfriend thought richard gear was dreamy and he just walked into a bar and just said it and i mean i don't know how these fucking things start joe derosa has shoulders if joe derosa did not have shoulders it would be impossible for him to then you know he'd be missing his shoulder joint he couldn't hold that microphone in the the um androgynous way that he

does the reality is what joe is missing is he's missing the meat between his neck and his shoulders that's what he's missing like it's a birth defect joe was actually born without collar bones if you which gives the the fact that he doesn't have collar bones it gives the illusion that he doesn't have any shoulders and the reality is is because his shoulders are where that i don't know what you call it the shoulder taint it's that meat between your neck and your shoulders joe was not born with that unfortunately and um and even sadder there is no cure at this time but that doesn't mean we're not going to stop fighting and we're going to have a benefit we're just trying to get you know it's hard to get all these guys you know get everybody's schedules

lined up but we're definitely going to have um you know some sort of benefit to try and get joe some sort of prosthesis for uh you know plastic collar bones all right i hope that clears it up but i'm not trying to take away the fact that he has accomplished amazing things for a guy who has a defective torso you know you ever think about that i mean collar bones are a bone that you really do take for granted you know he really is an inspiration that's just why is this sensation you'd have to be a sensation to achieve what he's done with that awful body that awful hand that god dealt him um all right all right so bill you've been you've been doing a lot of activities you know when they say what do you what do you buy the man who has everything you know what you do

you get him activities my girl gets annoyed at me because she goes i don't know what to get you you buy anything that you want you know i fucking uh and i do and i don't apologize for it if i want to play hockey you know i'll go buy some skates god damn it i gotta sit around and wait for you wait for a fucking birthday and a goddamn dessert with flames coming out of it before i get what the fuck i want all right and the words of bobby brown i made this money you didn't i'm fucking buying it i want to buy a guitar i'm gonna fucking buy it so she's i don't know what to catch you should i get you a shirt you know what i'd rather you slap me in the fucking face don't ever get anybody a shirt for a god for birthday or christmas that that's the go fuck yourself gift here you go here's something

here's something that i i could put paper around you could you don't buy anybody clothes how dare you so the lovely nia has has been getting me uh you know just she got me tickets to the john bonham birthday bash which was the shit um oh that was one a heavy metal video that i i fucking loved and really it actually uh stood the test the time was the second album um i liked the second skid row sabash sabash and bach sabash and sabash and bachville or sabash and back sabash and bach they had a couple songs on there that i liked it wasn't all bad but i i mean come on i was it

was shockingly bad you went from that awful quiet riot video to teenage frankenstein like i just was i couldn't i couldn't fucking believe it it was unbelievable so anyways so the lovely nia yesterday she took me uh a horseback riding over in griffith park and uh i shouldn't have said that why did i say where we went ah Jesus because now i'm gonna shit on it um so we went over there i've only ridden a horse once in my life and the hard fucking thing about riding a horse when you've never ridden one or taken any lessons is when they start trotting is to stop your balls from slamming off the fucking saddle there's a way you're supposed to ride with them which of course they don't explain so i was kind of you know that was like my goal

to learn how to ride a horse while it trots without having my nuts slammed you know back up into my body like i'm freezing to death you guys are aware of that right that your balls pull up into you if it gets cold enough and a desperate attempt to preserve heat down there they pull up into you that's that's that's what that term freezing your balls off you know came you know if you stomp somebody long enough like they will shit themselves which is the the genesis of uh i beat the shit out of them beat the piss out of them you know that's the thing about getting you know if you got the shit beat out of you you already got the piss beat out of you because the the piss gets beaten out of

you before the shit gets beat out of you unless you're dehydrated all right those those are the those are the different levels of an ass kicking so anyways we go over to this this um this place to go to go horseback riding and we go over there and there's at least horses and the you know if you don't ride horses the first thing whenever you see them aside from the fact that they're beautiful you like that is a big fucking animal and that thing is a hundred percent muscle and if that thing kicks me in my temple i am going to be drooling until the fucking until jesus comes i'm going to be done and uh so anyway so we're feeding these things you know with the english man teeth you know really straight and yellow you know holding

your hand out like it's a plate and they're sitting there with their soft little muzzle eating the carrot and uh that was all the good times and then then we go to uh you know there's all these good looking horses now then we go to like go to the horses that we're going to ride and they're all back in this pen and there's like fucking 12 of them they all have saddles on them and they just got this look on their face you know what i mean like you remember in platoon when fucking charlie sheen's character just fucking lands in the nom remember that and as he's walking in he's seeing all those fucking troops going home and he just sees that fucking look on that that's what those horses look like and i felt like charlie sheen

i was waiting for one of the horses oh we got ourselves a crusader here um i did i felt like the uh you know the little bitchy guy going into prison i felt all these things as i looked at those fucking they just had this vibe and uh so they pulled two horses out one bigger than the other and the bitch in me is like i want the smaller horse because i'm telling you the second you get on a horse all you think is christopher reeve fucking lawn dart right in the ground and then i wheel myself out at some fucking benefit and act like i'm still enjoying life fuck that right i'd drive myself right off the end of the stage i'd go right along with it get myself a tuxedo oh yeah everything's all good just

fucking floor it with my tongue and i'd zoom myself right off hopefully hitting a tv executive taking them out with me um that's how i would handle that challenge in life because i'm a coward so anyways i fucking you know then i'm like come on man you gotta let your girl have the smaller horse so then they go drag the bigger horse out and this thing it's just fucking like it's not rearing back but it's making it really difficult the thing is clearly communicating i don't want to go and uh so i get on this fucking thing and the guy you know you go right you pull right to go left you pull left and now you want to stop you just pull it back all right so we start riding these things and they know the trail they're just completely

ignoring me and nia you want to go left they fucking yank their head back like go fuck yourself or go in this way i know i know the trail all right they're fucking uh what what's what's a word they they they use for some novice cowboy ah what is that word all right they're huckleberry is that one of those western words hey what is worse hair metal or some of that fucking patriotic country music post 9 11 what what is worse to you what is more cringe worthy you know um shout at the devil or that that toby keith uncle sam's gonna put a boot in your ass oh my god every dime that guy made in that song should have been thrown in his face and then given to the troops or something else or just and then the oh then the then the partial of it

would be to incinerate any record that that that track was ever recorded the most pandering horseshit you could ever come out with uh horrific sorry sorry plowing ahead here so anyways like the horses were just in bad moods they'll bite at each other and they just like at one point i tried to make the thing go left and went back and i tried to bite my foot and i said then yeah i go Jesus i go this fucking thing hates me and then i just thought i was like you know what i'd hate me okay if i climbed on my back and i had to walk me up this goddamn hill i'd hate me that somebody said that you know they don't even feed it well over there i shouldn't say that shit because i named the place i don't know tried to claim that they're over there they're

feeding them like fucking shredded wheat instead of the real stuff i have no idea but um um it started off as this really peaceful thing to be riding the horse which was awesome and then immediately i just was just like i couldn't get back soon enough because i wanted to get off this thing's fucking back because i knew that that's what the horse wanted you know it's awful it's fucking it just i think if i ever if i ever fucking had a ton of money i've said this before if i ever got a horse i would get i would buy a horse just so i would never ride it so it could have a you know maybe once a week just to show him who's boss all right you plant those carrots there fucking sea biscuit um anyways i thought that was gonna be

a funny story and it was just being a sad story kind of like the boss in Celtics losing game seven oh that that kills me that kills me that those guys they're gonna break up that team man i gotta tell you i've been you know i was lucky Celtic family when i grew up i started watching in you know in sixth grade when uh larry bird came through and all that shit the battles with the 76ers the fucking uh lakers and all that type of stuff and um i gotta tell you i am hard pressed to think of another Celtic team that had more heart than the Celtics this this version of the Celtics you know they just never quit never say said that it was brutal watching dark rivers getting all emotional when he hugged kevin garnett was uh it was fucking it was fucking brutal brutal but you

know miami heat did that thing and i i'm loving that lebron you know lebron's one of those guys that like uh i was like ah what a douchebag when he said i'm gonna bring my talents to south beach and all that but i i got over it after a while and then just people just kept hating the guy and it's to the point now i almost want to see him win if i didn't like durant so much like either way i'm gonna be really happy um because uh i would love to see lebron get one just to to make all everybody who hates him unless you're from cleveland if you still hate lebron you're a douchebag you know you really just hate some aspect you like but people in cleveland they should hate that guy and new york and chicago they they they should be annoyed with that guy

because he got you guys got you all excited like you know chicago six fucking rings they have the greatest player of all time michael jordan okay they roll out the red carpet for you and all you can come up with was yeah i found their their offer intriguing intriguing like he was rubbing his little uh you know i read books beard that he's grown you know i'm into alternative medicine half a goatee you know if you grow a fucking beard like lebron has you better be like inventing shit somewhere wearing some sort of a lab coat all right and stop putting on your fake black rim glasses with the clear windshield um you gotta hand it to black people they are the only ones that who can make somebody with a fucking erector set look cool they can somehow make that look uh

appealing i guess but i gotta tell you that nba montage where they showed like 12 of them in a row all wearing those glasses was fucking ridiculous but anyways chris bosh killed us and all that type of shit um so i don't know i have no idea but um i don't know i thought that they he fucking earned it they came out the second half they fucking and they just never let up and we couldn't get back in it and uh i don't know i don't know why the fuck we were trying to guard lebron that far out i mean even van gundy the whole game was like just make the guy take a jump shot if you fucking press up on the guy he's too quick he's gonna run by you once he gets too fucking a step and a half that freight train's coming you know that first of all there's no

way to get in front of him quick enough to get a charge you're gonna get hurt all you can do is just try to hack at the guy and he's gonna get fouled and it's either gonna be two shots or an n1 so why not hang back i don't know look at me watching fucking the nba for a couple weeks all of a sudden i think i can coach better than dark rivers um but anyways i'm going to game six tomorrow night because the fucking kings have lost two in a row for those of you who don't watch hockey man they were up four games three games to none going to close out the fourth game i went downtown got absolutely fucking hammered um i planned on getting drunk i did take this subway and uh but i also planned on eating something i went down there on an empty stomach and we found

this fucking bar that no one was at that had this giant screen and we were sitting there laughing it was two minutes before the game there was nobody in there felt like we were on m tv cribs we didn't have to pay for the house and i don't know we had two drinks we turned around and the place was jam packed and then i went to order food and the guys like i'm sorry i'm not serving food now because the stupid manager didn't take into account that the kings could have won their first stanley cup ever and that the sports bar was going to be packed so he just had one guy working the bar so all he was doing was making uh making drinks and uh you know me i'm trying to watch my girlish figure here so i fucking after a couple beers i switched over to crowns and uh

i don't know what happened i vaguely remember at the end of the game going out and getting a cheeseburger and uh the dude behind the counter you know was a stand-up fan so he knew me and my buddy and he gave us a drink and then he actually brought over some sort of like and i never drank shit like this he goes you should try these out they're really good and it tasted like a milkshake but it had it was like a shot of it but it had booze in it i just don't do well with that shit you know i don't like that cross-pollinating you know hey let's have a dessert and get fucking hammered i don't do that you know let's go to a titty bar and get a cheeseburger i don't do that either you know the strip clubs that serve fucking food you know it's like do one of the other

get get one of these things focus need to be streamlined all right so i'm trying to be the best buy of titties right um just got absolutely fucking inebriated went down on the subway and the subway it's almost like the red line in boston well one goes out to brain tree the other one goes to mattapan i was trying to go to brain tree and i got on the mattapan one by accident i was like fuck so i had to get off hammered took it back the other way and i go yeah i want the brain tree one oh go downstairs so i go downstairs and they still have two trains running on that track so i fucking got on the mattapan one again it was actually the wilshire one and uh oh god i was fucking livid when i realized i made the mistake i just looked over at other passengers i was like

it's this fucking thing going down wilshire and somebody looked at his buddy he's like is he with you and everyone laughed at me i was like oh god i'm that guy then i got off the platform on the platform i just had to rest fucking goddamn fucking stupid ass fucking city no fucking subway in the whole fucking country is like just an absolute f-bomb and then some really nice girl actually talked to me like ignored my cursing and my angry anger and spitting on the tracks and was just like oh did you get on the wrong way too i'm like yeah it's fucking fucking fucking thing fucking and then she's just like yeah it's kind of confused she didn't she didn't give in to it she was just saying everybody that's what i'm trying to say all right last little

round here of uh of uh what do we got here of advertising i got the last one here uh game fly everybody my listeners get a 15 day free trial with two games mailed out in the trial new offer what what did they just give me bullet points at this point do you think i have the copy memorized see what do i remember remember hey you guys like playing video games don't you wouldn't be great if you had 8000 video games at your fingertips what if they could be delivered right to your doorstep or your pc what if you got 15 day free trial free trial come on you just broke up with your girlfriend right how many times are you going to lay there staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell you just did before you got to play a video game and take your mind off of it

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underneath the collar every once in a while they wear the collar forever i take my dog's collar off like every night you know not because i'm a good dog owner it's because she wakes up before i do and she shakes like a madman like this like that and it's basically my alarm clock in the morning so i take this fucking thing off and then i give her a nice scratch on the back of the neck and she gets you know that look dogs get on their face where they kind of like it's this weird thing where they don't move their body forward they just move their face forward like oh god that's what it's doing right now you like that don't you huh that's what you can't get to all right next scratch that's it right there that's what she does with her fucking ears and i know it didn't sound that

loud but it fucking six in the morning i'm sorry seven o'clock in the morning it's real loud all right bill we've had enough of your personal life hey bill is there any way you could bring the post office into my apartment absolutely i could um stamps.com everybody there's no reason to go to the post office anymore okay it's over like bell bottoms it's done all right this is just yet another thing with today's technology you can just actually handle while you're walking around eating a bowl of fruit loops if you can do that with one hand and type on a keyboard you go to stamps.com everybody um this is a great thing about stamps.com not only will it save you time you can buy and print official us postage from your own computer or printer okay slap it on an

envelope they give you a little they give you a little scale you can weigh whatever the hell you're trying to ship out it'll give you the postage right on the meter you slap that on there and you stick it out in your mailbox it's done it's it's a it's a complete circle all right stamps.com also will save you money it's a fraction of the cost of of a postage meter plus you get discounts you can't even find at the post office what more do these people need to do uh right now if you use my last name burr burr for this special offer you get a no risk trial plus a hundred ten dollar bonus that includes a digital scale and up to fifty five dollars in free postage all right don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage

and type in burr burr that's stamps.com enter burr do that you know unless you enjoy going to the post office maybe you're one of those people maybe you like going down there trying to find a place to park and all the other things that go along with that the homeless guy holding the door for you thank you god bless thank you god bless i could have done that myself thank you thank you now you're the martyr i know now i gotta give you money on the way out i get it i get it um or you could just be you know sitting there in your jocks anybody else's dad used to call your underway your jocks um all right this podcast is getting too long all right let's let's wrap it up here where do we go here where do we go here uh what is this oh there's somebody

reacting to last week's that epic story uh that that bisexual kid whose mom parents were really religious and how they found out he was gay was he was hooking up with the his some dude in the house and she started whacking him with the mail uh anyways this guy says hi bill i heard the bisexual uh gay dude story you told in your podcast most recently about the guy who moved from the carolinas to arizona for college and got caught doing the deed by his mom i am not gay i do not have any gay tendencies or anything like that but i've seen a similar circumstance happen with a close friend i know that the dude's mom and the whole family feels awkward about him being gay but the more indifferent they act the more likely the 19 year old guy from carolina will end up doing

something he will probably regret absolutely anyway my advice is this show your mom the movie prayers for bobby and she will turn right around i guarantee it hope things work out all right i don't know what that movie is but if the person who wrote in last week uh go ahead and read that uh go watch that movie or show it to your mom and hopefully uh she'll come around um dilemma number one bill would you rather have been born with the sporting talent to be an nhl all-star or the musical talent to drum for acdc after phil rudd ah that's a that is a fucking dilemma um god damn it that's a coin flip right there all right well here's a deal if i could play in the

nhl i'd play in the 80s despite the hair metal music that would probably be being played while i did the skate around in the beginning let's shoot around whatever the fuck you call it um wait do i have my body i mean i'd want to be a tough guy if i'm going to play in the nhl i'm not i have a uh a the very best a goal scorer's body and even then i'm too small i'm barely five foot ten guys could do that back then could i be a if i could be chippy every once in a while nevin mark what style i don't know oh the musical talent to drum for acdc after phil rudd well if i drummed for acdc after phil rudd i'd be simon rite from 83 to 90 then i would leave to joan dio and have to play last in line or i could have been considering i'm balding maybe i'd be chris slade

who drums from 90 to 96 and all of a sudden gets kicked out just because they want to bring phil rudd back i don't like those endings those are those are like running back careers those are real short you know what i'll take the nhl all-star a fucking all-star and i get to wear either that cambells or wales jersey oh i'd take that have a fucking red mullet i mean here's two gets curly when it grows long i'd look like bernie from room 222 i'd take the nhl that was a good one that was an old coin flip all right number two dilemma imagine you're walking in a built up area and come across a glittery box what is a built up area curiosity compels you to look inside it and upon doing so find it stacked full of child pornography your prince and dna are on the box

so you can't walk away from it if you set it on fire what happens if the cops stop if a cop stops you or a resident and they notice a half charred picture of an a you're ah he's burning evidence if you hand it into the complete the police you'd still be implicated no i wouldn't if i find a fucking dead body on the side of the road i don't get charged with murder quick light it on fire this is hilarious anyway let me just keep reading this um i'd be implicated as a suspect because i found a tin of child pornography and i brought it in and they probably gave me shit for contaminating the evidence that would look weird though if i walked in hey i i found this on the side of the road i kind of see where you're going with this

uh you just would uh oh he's just saying no matter what you just would get implicated and i think you could do without headlines like comedian hands child porn into police claims i found it and he's misunderstood like michael jackson if you decide to take it home to destroy it what if you stop by a gang of us on the way and it's knocked out of your hand and the entire detrit depraved mass spills across the floor uh if you don't get it home and turn it into a paper mache in the sink what if you do get it home and it turns into paper mache in the sink what if it blocks it or nia asks what you're up to nothing dear just destroying images of naked preteens so how would you deal with this terrible situation uh simple

the curiosity compels me to look at the glittery box i would open it and upon seeing the contents within i would jump back like morgan freeman's character in seven when he sees gwyneth paltrow's severed head in the box all right and then i would just start running in circles yelling he has the upper hand until i'm arrested and put in an insane asylum i just if i found i would just i would report it immediately i would report it immediately you know that's it i saw it i opened it it was in there and that's it go ahead parade a month to half naked kids in front of me and watch me not get aroused there you go there's my fucking defense go fuck yourself i'm trying to help you guys out why don't you dust it and find

the other set of prints and go start with that douche all right now me and my pussy looking dog are getting out of here go fuck yourselves all right lights camera dumped bill i'm a 29 year old guy and recently broke up with a funny attractive and all around great girl oh jesus why sir would you do that you ask all right um two things her dad was born without teeth and you're worried your baby will if you breed with her or uh she has got something going on in the vaginal area some sort of odor stinky pussy i don't know here we go well let me tell you this girl and i've been dating for about three months and we had a great thing going she's half afro cuban half Puerto Rican and really sexy she had a rough upbringing but i didn't care because she's honest

easygoing and not bitchy like so many girls i've dated she was a bit needy but i didn't mind we were out at a bar one night having a few drinks and i was feeling pretty good i was looking at a couple of flusies at the end of the bar and i asked her if she's ever been with another woman she coyly looked at me and said yes good stuff i thought yeah dude this is a fucking fantasy right here fucking red shoe diaries um then i proceeded with have you ever been in a threesome with two girls and a guy again she answered yes okay kind of slutty but i'm no saint well i couldn't stop there oh god you're gonna go for the rotisserie question what's in the box oh here we go here we go strap yourselves in for this one well i couldn't stop

there so i asked have you ever had a threesome with two guys she looked down at the ground and she looked up a bit of shamed blee and said yes wow skank alert i thought i then asked her one more question i knew this one could back for where the fuck do you go from here like throwing the high heat to albert albert pool host i finally asked wait have you ever been in a porn she then blushed and looked me in the eye and said yeah i looked at her calmly and was like oh but inside i was like jesus fucking christ yeah as well you should you know those first couple i mean you can look at let let's let's break this down here all right she's been with uh she's had a threesome with another girl and a guy who get that that's

who gives a fuck right there all right you already knew she banged another guy all right but uh the fact that she also did it with another girl that takes a little fucking uh that tones down his dick in her pussy right this is how guys think women i'm sorry all right that's something that that's something in the uh the credit is it the credit uh bill what what why do you try to talk about counting shit you're too dumb all right that one's all right the two guys thing now you can look the other way on that maybe if it if it was in another state but it can't be in the same state because if you run into one of the two guys that fucking you know we're high fiving as they fucking banged her that mean i i don't know about that one but then the third one she did a porno

i mean yeah no that's uh you gotta walk away from that or or you have to go to nasa to get tested for the latest fucking std's i would think and then also god knows what's going on uh mentally that you would do that what i just like sex no no no there's something going on who doesn't like sex i don't know anyways plowing ahead so she he goes so basically she had moved down to los angeles when she was 20 she's now 25 and after a short stint in the military somehow she got into the porn industry for eight months she did everything ew fuck sucked the whole shebang i asked her if i could see her video but she wouldn't tell me her performer name and said vehemently that it would be impossible to find her body of work i asked her why she got into porn and she replies

because i wanted some feeling in my life and then he writes oh Jesus yeah dude oh this poor girl something happened to her the thing was she was clean had a good job and i really liked her and the sex was great yeah obviously you know it's funny there was something you wrote in the beginning where i just thought she was going to be good 29 year old guy attractive all around great girl oh the fact that you said she had a rough upbringing upbringing but she was easy going and honest and not bitchy right there was like that girl's good in bed that just seemed like a kind of free open person i don't know i didn't know she was going to be that open oh geez um anyways the thing was she was clean and blah blah the sex was great but i i couldn't stop

picturing her in some sleazy porno that was probably filmed in some junkyard on lebrea so i went to ask for a friend's advice most of my guys were telling me to dump her my gay friends told me it was fabulous and that i should overlook it i didn't even bother asking my girlfriends because they would automatically reject her and assume i had AIDS they did AIDS there you go keep your options open so regretfully i dumped her i felt terrible and obviously didn't tell her it was because she was a porn star because she would have been a shame for the rest of her life and i was happy that she was honest with me i've done my fair share of sleaze but this was too much my question bill was bill my question bill was it wrong for me

to dump her for some decision she made years ago should i have stayed with her what would have you done um well you don't want to know what i would have done i'm a fucking degenerate so let's you you seem like a good person um dude when you're trying to find the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with you you have to have a list of criteria all right you sound like you're still young so there's no reason to compromise all right i mean when you get with somebody like that and you're gonna live with them and you get with anybody you're taking on all of their fucking baggage all right you're only three months in and you know people who go into the pornist industry that you know it's like people become comedians we're not healthy individuals

okay and that is like a specific area that i just this is just my own personal non-medical feeling that you're just not a healthy person something awful happened and that line i just wanted to feel something i mean something bad happened to her cost her to wall her self off i don't even want to try to guess what but you know there's nothing wrong with anything that she did personally you know technically and she was honest with it it all comes down to whether or not you want to deal with it all right and if you feel that you know you want to deal with it and that there was this sort of connection that you just had this girl had to be in your life then you're gonna have to learn to live with it and get past it

but i would be definitely i would definitely be concerned with uh certain mental issues um not like she's insane and then i would also be concerned with sexual boundaries you know like would she have any and could she remain faithful after a while and when you settle into the seven-year itch or whatever and you really start needing to work at the relationship and it's feeling boring and she needs to feel something again is she gonna go back to that leather couch from that show martin ma and you know down on fuck in the valley and get banged again i mean i don't know i don't know that is a uh that is you know what that is beyond my skills i don't know how to tame that horse i could tell you that right fucking now i don't i have no fucking

clue that's a uh you know what that's a dr drew question that is a a classic dr drew question and that guy within two seconds will get right to the core of it i would call i would call in love line man if you're out here call them up because that's a that's a great one um yeah i i guess you'd have to figure out is has she worked through whatever the fuck she was working through and now she's ready to i mean i don't know hey those are some good looking girls down there and she's like yeah they are or whatever like i mean if you kept steering it in that direction you'd probably get your fucking three some right there um so there's that there's that option the option that you have is if you're with her like i think you give me that that's that's a selfish

fucking and a and a shallow reason to stay with somebody long term uh yeah jesus i don't know great fucking emails by the way everybody i'll be them piss you guys off too much by fucking trash and all that metal shit you know i have half those t-shirts and i went to go see that i was just embarrassed by some of that shit that i used to listen to um um oh jesus right up until i was like 2021 fucking brutal what what what what redeemable thing that i have i did listen to the Beatles the doors the stones all that white boy shit stevie ray vaughn i did listen to hendrix i listened to all the big band swing through my dad shift from the 50s uh i had such a weird musical upbringing anyways which was actually good because it was kind of

all over the map um i started hanging out with patrice back in the day patrice was the one rest his soul got me the uh i still remember when he got in that same piece of shit truck that i went to the acdc concert and seven fucking years later i'm still driving it right making the sacrifices remember that i told you you don't get some fucking job and go out and buy a fucking new car you just change yourself to your cubicle i always kept my i put a new engine in the fucking truck had somebody slapped that in there for 1200 bucks pay that down rather than 12 grand for a new car like it was back then um so anyways i still remember um swinging by picking patrice up and going into nix and he had the cassette tape of ready ready to die

and him putting that in um telling me that this guy was going to be the next guy and then through all of that like he cured me of all the rap that a white kid liked who lived in a cul-de-sac um and he showed me all all of that shit so i had that whole background all that stuff fucking held up but the fucking metal that i listened to i even watched like laurence welk when i was a kid when the creepiest shows ever even that was fucking thrown in there it's funny like fucking almost 40 years later i'll be walking down the street and all of a sudden winchester cathedral will be going through my head winchester cathedral bo do do do y'all bringin me down am i really gonna sing this you could have done something all right let's

wrap this up um upcoming shows uh i'm gonna be at the uh improv in san jose june 14th and 15th this weekend sacramento zone chelsea paredi is not gonna be there unfortunately so i replaced her okay like that chick on that fucking show with uh sandy duncan um kevin shake okay kevin shake is gonna be there was fucking hilarious really original so it's gonna be an awesome show san jose june 14th and 15th at the improv theater in downtown san jose uh on june 17th i'll be at the chicago theater part of the vince von wild west uh comedy show uh with steve burn vince von and a bunch of other guys it's gonna be an amazing show i that might already be sold out um that's june 17th so if it isn't it's gonna be go to bill

bird.com and you know click on all these ticket links real quick uh the ontario improv june 29th 30th and july 1st the inland empire um then i'm gonna be going out in the boston area dude hampton beach ballroom casino hampton beach fucking new hampshire july 14th and after that i'm going down to rhoda island kid going down to the newport yacht and center july 15th i'll be in a tent out in the parking lot come on down there'll be a good time and that's it that's it that's the podcast for this week thank you for listening um i'm gonna miss those Celtics god damn it i'm gonna miss them hell of a run and it still kills me that fourth quarter of the 2009 finals i really wish the refs had gotten out of the way and if the Celtics were gonna lose i could have watched the

lakers you know win that you know not taking 24 unguarded shots it's just fucking cute and it's not the lakers fault i just the fucking refs they just they have too much god damn power too much fucking power man put your fucking whistle away all right that's it go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week so so so so

so you