Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-19

Episode Date: June 13, 2019

Bill rambles about Finals, sports commentators, and sad Drake.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. I'm actually recording this Wednesday before the game seven. Just fucking with you. It's Thursday. I watched the game. I know what happened. All right. I got to say congratulations to the St. Louis Blues on your first Stanley Cup championship ever. Avenging your Mother's Day's loss. Was it May 13th, 1970? Something like that. 40 fucking nine years later. I'm not going to lie to you. I had a smile on my face when I was watching all those St. Louis Blues fans going crazy. And one of my favorite things in the world is watching a franchise

that hasn't won it forever. Win it. But I feel like I got fucked over because they beat my team, so I couldn't fully enjoy it the same way. Like, you know, I was rooting for the Eagles, you know, to win a Super Bowl. I just didn't want them to beat the Patriots. So both of those, you know, I felt like I would have enjoyed way more, obviously, if they weren't beating my team. But like, Jesus Christ, hats off to the St. Louis Blues organization. They played a fucking masterful game seven. It was such a great series where it was really just the speed of the Bruins versus this physical will of the Blues. What was going to win? And I got to say, old freckles kind of called it. Did he not? Did he not? I said the way

to beat the Blues is you got to score first and pull them out of that fucking trap defense that they were playing and which would open up the ice for our speed. And that's what happened in game like game three and game six. And when they went up one to nothing, I was like, fuck, we need we need to get this next goal. We need to get this next goal. We can't have them. We can't have them up to oh, I mean, I haven't seen the trap defense played that well since the boring ass New Jersey Devils won three cups. Some of the worst hockey I've ever seen in my life as far as excitement went. But what I loved about the way the Blues played it was as much as I was kind of being a fucking cunt about it,

I actually in the end really enjoyed the way they played playing outside the lines a little bit. But that is playoff hockey. And you know, I was looking up some hockey stats before game seven, the Bruins back in the day when the Canadians would always be this, you know, Don Cherry was our coach. And that's something I read was just he told them to have their sticks up high around Gila floor. And we still didn't beat him. But Gila floor's whole fucking head was swollen and cut up by the end of the series. So we've done shit like that. So I would be a real fucking pansy here if I was to complain about some of the rougher stuff. And just the bottom line was we I said it, dude, I said it said you don't want to go seven games with this

team because you're going to be too beat up by the end. You know, if you're the finesse team, you got to win it in five or six, or they're just going to weigh you down the way I saw him wear down San Jose, which is exactly what they did. And I was too hard on Billington. I said he was astoundingly mediocre. I was as hard on him as they have been overly complimenting him. All right, first rookie goal that everyone 16 games. It's like Patrick wall only won 15 in 1986, because you could only win 15. All right, the first round was best three out of five. So it's not his fault that he couldn't have beat their ass another fucking game. Not to mention he won the cons my thing at a 1.92 goals against average that my thing about Billington was this, and he

had four fucking stand on your head saves in a game seven. So you can never take that away from that guy, but that guy was definitely a different goaltender when he was down. Okay, when we went in game six, when we actually fucking got a little physical, and we went up, you know, we went up a goal, you know, the same thing we did in game three, all of a sudden the guy's given up five goals a game and getting pulled out of one game. So last night, what I was watching the problem that we were having, and I've never seen a team four check as well as the blue and recent memory, this is St. Louis blues, what they kept talking about their goaltender. I don't know what the fucking game they were watching what the game was between the goaltenders.

And like, have you ever seen a fucking team like, they stopped like every fucking pass we made, it was like every time a Bruin had a puck, there was like a clock, thousand one thousand two, get rid of it, get rid of it, or they would they were just going to come up and just physically take it away from you. We had the amount of passes that we would like through the air, like saucer pass trying to do it and they would just bat it down out of the air, like they had a like a fucking I don't know like they had a goaltender stick. It was unbelievable how fucking amazing they were at that. I'm not good with the names because I got a kid now and I got to watch the game with the fucking sound down. But that number nine

on the blues, I can't remember if it was your first or second goal when we I think crazy, somebody had the puck and he just knocked them down, kept it in our zone. And I was like, and then you know, they're passing it, they're passing it, keeping it in the zone the whole time ago, if they score here, that number nine should get a fucking assist. And sure enough, they ended up scoring, I think on the tip shot, or I can't remember, it was sort of the partial breakaway backhand or that guy got by Tuka. But the big thing was to beat them, you had to go up because when you went up, then Billington came back down to earth. And the problem last night is we got down and we got down early. And then he got to stay behind the cushy confines of the way they

were playing that fucking trap defense. And we did not have a power forward was what was lacking on our team. We needed a guy in the slot, taken the punishment, and we were to beat up and just didn't have that fucking guy. So what was happening is when we got into their offensive zone, if you rewatch the game, the amount of times we had the puck in a good position, and we would pass all the way to the other side of the ice, go wing to wing, and an NHL goaltender that's all day to go from post to post. And we just didn't get any traffic in front. And too many of our shots were from out near the blue line where he had a wide open look. I mean, by the time we finally got traffic out in front and scored on him, it took us six on five. We had to have an extra guy so

somebody could stand out in front. And I don't know, I love the blues aggressive style, the way that they played. And they knocked us on our ass. And we have to get bigger and stronger. Congratulations to Bruins. They went way further this year than I thought they were going to. You know, we definitely got it, you know, we got rid of too many like Sean Thornton's and Lucic's and Adam McQuades, where we couldn't hit them back. And that was really, really hard to watch as a Bruins fan because I've never seen us get physically dominated like that. But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It kind of ended up going the way I thought I was going to go. And I was honest the other day when I said I had absolutely no feeling on

which way it was going to go in game seven, which I don't know how you could, because if you watch the Bruins in game one, game three and game six, you would think that the blues couldn't play with us. And then if you watch the Bruins in game fucking two, four, five and seven, you would have thought we would have got swept. It was such a fucking weird series where it was, it was almost like just whoever got out front first, like that was it. And the game was going to be played the way they played it. You know, if the Bruins got out front, it was going to be a speed game and we were going to win and Billington was going to let up four or five fucking goals or they got out front and fucking, it was just going to be this physical game and we were going to play 80% of the game

in our own fucking end. But I don't know. I'm going to tell you this though. That's going to be a hell of a party on Saturday down there in St. Louis. You guys totally deserve it. We're really at the end of the day. We're the better team. Be in a little country with your gold tender and it has nothing that this isn't a personal attack on the guy. I'm just so fucking sick of like sports casters in sports networks. The way they spew out stats with no sort of historical perspective is the same way a politician, you know, will fudge numbers and shit to me. This guy doesn't like babies, you know, he voted no on this fucking thing and they don't look at what's attached to the fucking bill as to why this person voted no. Like this fucking horse shit where it's just like

this guy just had more wins than Kent Dryden. It's like when Kent Dryden played, I think you needed, you needed eight. There was only two rounds of the playoffs or you'd be watching like Major League Baseball and be like, Oh, here's a stat that just came in so and so just past Babe Ruth, the salt and the SWAT for most postseason playoffs. It's like they would back in Babe Ruth played. It was like whoever had the most wins in the American League, that was winning the pennant. There was no playoff. You just immediately went to the world series. So the best you could do is play seven games in a year. So now you could play, what is it? The first round is the best of five. You could play five and another four. You could play 19 fucking games in one year now.

So obviously you're going to start padding. These guys sit there. I'll tell you, you know, I mean, he's, who's kiddo? Babe Ruth, there's a reason why we're all sitting here. I'll tell you, this kid right now, he's got, I bet he's pinching himself, seeing his name up and against it. He's fucking got the tag attack. It's just, I don't understand that. It's just like, well, obviously, if somebody is going to play three times as many games, potentially every fucking year of their career, they're going to start passing some fucking amazing people. You know, like Martin Broder, my main memory of this hall of fame, great goaltender was him stopping dump and chase passes behind his fucking net. You know, the best I saw was Patrick Waugh. That's the best I ever fucking

saw. So that's why being a bit of a cunt, being a bit of a cunt, it definitely fucking, you know, it's fucking hilarious as I watched the game in a cigar bar. I was so fucking sad when I left. I forgot my credit card. I got to go back and get that today. But I was in there. I'm in New York. Nobody gave a shit about the fucking game. I had to tell him to turn the game on. And when the blues scored the first time on the deflection, the insult to injury was I was sitting there and somebody just goes, Oh, did they just score? And then he's watched the replay and he goes, Oh, a ricochet. It's just like, Oh my God, a ricochet. Okay. Anyways, but then once New York fans realized that I was rooting for Boston, they started giving me shit and I fucking destroyed

them. And then they all had to shut the fuck up because they got nothing. They got nothing. They got fucking 97 fucking two. What are you going to chant at me? Huh? What 2008 with the fucking Boston Celtics? The fuck out of here. So anyway, and then I ended up fucking leaving and ate a slice of pizza. Like, did you see I loved what's his face? El Pres there from fucking Barstool. That video, he took him just eating all kinds of bad food. That's what I did. I went and I got a I was watching the game with Bobby Kelly and then I went, he dropped me off when I'm staying here in New York and I went over, I just got a slice of pizza from the better famous rays in the area. And just sat there by myself like that weird fucking feeling, you know, when you're that close

and you fucking lose. And then it's the double whammy of not only did you lose, but that's the end of hockey for the year, which by the way, thank you Canada for hockey. Jesus Christ. I still maintain it's the fucking it's the best of the four sports. I was just sitting there eating that fucking thing by myself going, ah, fuck. And now I got to do the podcast and I got to eat crow the next fucking day. What was fucking me, but I'm over it. And all right. So now that I've been a bit of a cunt to your gold tender, which he really doesn't deserve. So 1967 I'm going up the top of my head because one of these malware fucking we know things took over my computer. I have a brand new laptop and it already watch out when they say you need the new flash, whatever your flash player

needs to be updated. I clicked on that. So now I have to spend a fucking day this week at the fucking Apple store figuring out how to get rid of this fucking thing. May all you fucking hackers out there burn in hell. All you fucking out the fucking assholes who did this. It's like, you can't go after bankers. You can't go after fucking real prey. You got to fucking get some dumb bald fucking redheaded cunt whose team just lost the Stanley Cup final. You got to fucking take over my computer. So you can make more money off a JC penny, you fucking assholes. So anyways, sad sack fans. So this morning I got to go downstairs into the laundry room of where I'm staying here and to do my laundry here. So I go downstairs to go do it.

You figure Thursday morning there's not going to be anybody here, but actually most of the machines were taken up. Unfortunately, I got one. And so I ended up going downstairs. After the wash thing was done and this guy sitting there, one of these fucking assholes who does his laundry like once a leap year, he's got all these bags of shit and he's like taking up all the machines and he starts going like, yeah, I'm just still waiting for one more. Like worried like I'm going to take one. I go, well, that one's mine. It's almost done. He's like, all right. And what is mine is done. He's like, you want this? You want this? Like trying to get me to take the basket, you know, over and it's just like, buddy, relax, right? So I take my shit out.

And you know, the stuff I'm going to just let dry in the apartment. I fold that and then I put my socks and under whiz into the dryer. And then all of a sudden he comes around the corner with this load of wet laundry and goes, I'm just going to leave this here, right? I'm like, what? He goes, I'm just going to leave this here. I'm like, what the fuck is he talking about? And then I realized that was somebody else's laundry. I'm like, is that somebody else's laundry? He's like, yeah, I go, dude, don't drag me into this. He goes, what? I go, don't drag me into this. That's not my laundry. Don't ask for my okay. Like I'm the Sultan of the fucking laundry room. And he's like, he doesn't say anything. I'm like, this guy's a fucking selfish cunt, right?

So I walk out, just one of those people you just want to get away from. So I go out and I push the button and I'm waiting for the fucking elevator, right? And I look up, I realized I didn't push the button because I'm so still thinking about the fucking game and what we could have done, which is all futile at this point. And I hit the up button and all of a sudden he comes walking out. So now it's like I got a fucking, I got to ride up with this asshole. So I'm like, well, you know what? I'm the first floor of apartments. So worst case scenario, so worst case scenario, he gets off on my floor, you know, you know what this fucking asshole does? You know what he does? You know what he does? He gets in the elevator and he pushes lobby.

You fucking believe he got on my elevator. Okay, which is a thing. My elevator is a thing. If you get on it first, it's your fucking elevator. If somebody gets on after you and then fucking hits a floor before you're getting off, they interrupted your life twice and they should apologize when they get off. I do it. That's my that's my elevator etiquette. Is there anything worse when you're in a tall fucking building, you're coming down some fucking asshole on 18 hits it and he gets on and then fucking hit 17. It's like you couldn't take the stairs. You know, you wear your wingtips, we're going to get scuffed up as you turn the corner. Bill, what are you really mad at? Oh, my team lost. God damn it.

Oh, it's going to say this is off the top of my head. The expansion six, if I remember correctly, was the Philadelphia Flyers, Pittsburgh Penguins, the Minnesota North Stars, the St. Louis Blues, the LA Kings, and the California Golden Seals. So the California Golden Seals, then I think became the Oakland Seals. And somehow they ended up in Cleveland and became the Cleveland Barons. And then they folded or maybe a few of them sort of combined with Minnesota North Stars. I can't quite remember what happened to them. So they never won one. Let's see if I can do this top of my head. The Flyers won at first, 74 and 75.

Then the next ones to win it were, let's see here, would it be the Dallas start Minnesota, then be the Dallas Stars in 1999? No, the Pittsburgh Penguins, they won it. Flyers, the Penguins, the Dallas Stars in 99, then the LA Kings. And then the fucking St. Louis Blues won it last night. So it took 52 years, 53 seasons for the expansion six, all of those great fucking teams that added so much to hockey, doubled the league to finally have the last one win the Stanley Cup. Here's the way thing about hockey,

let's say you had a six team league and you were adding another six teams who were obviously going to be weak, right? Because they're new teams. Okay, how would you divide those up if you're going to make two conferences? Wouldn't you take three of the original in one, three of the new and three of the original six and the other and three, hockey didn't do that. They kept all the original six in one division and put all the expansion six in another division. So the first round of the playoffs was basically the Stanley Cup final between the two fucking original six teams. And that's why I believe we swept the blues in 1970. Last time we played, they were like a fucking brand new franchise.

So anyway, is there anything else that I wanted to talk about as far as hockey? I can't, I literally cannot even go on my computer. And what's funny is I tried refreshing and clearing all my web browser history and I lost all my passwords. I can't even get into my fucking email. It's a fucking nightmare. So now I'm going to go over and, you know, talk to one of the geniuses at the Apple Store to see if they can fucking figure out one of the evil geniuses who came up with this malware horseshit. I've now realized I'm not clicking on anything anymore. Okay, I'm done with this shit. I'm going to get a rotary phone. If you want to get in contact with me, just fucking call me. Maybe I'll be home. Maybe I won't be. I'm just going to go back to old school shit.

Because, you know, I was telling you when, you know, I have these acting gigs when I go down on the the set there, you know, in between setups, I don't bring my phone or anything because I just feel like it just takes me out of what little game I have as an actor. I was actually down there and there was a book on a coffee table and I actually started reading it. I was like, this is what I should be doing between fucking, you know, when there's a long turnaround, like if it's going to be like a fucking half hour, you don't want to keep doing the lines in your head because then you're going to be like a robot when you go out there. At least that's how I'm wired. But actually reading a book, an old man, old lady thing to do, it's fucking, this is the shit.

I couldn't believe how enjoyable it was. It was actually, it turned out that it was Pete Holmes' book comedy god, which I immediately thought was funny. I'm like, all right, is he just doing this thing where he's just like overly bragging doing like a Ron Burgundy thing? And it was actually a lot of what I was skimming reading was a lot of it was about like him being brought up and religious and religion, overly religious and getting into stand up. And I read a couple of chapters of his book. And I was trying to find to see if he had mentioned the first time I ever worked with him, just to see what his take was on that weekend. The first time I ever worked with Pete Holmes is I worked at this comedy club. I don't know if it's still out there. It was called

Brewster's in Peoria, Illinois, hometown of the great late great Richard Pryor, greatest comedian of all time. And we did this gig out there. I just remembered it was like mostly a bar and on stage it was sort of done up like this old West kind of thing with like these big whiskey barrels and looking like provisions and shit were like we're going to go on the fucking Oregon Trail or something were up on the up on stage. I believe a long time ago he actually posted a video of him bombing during that weekend. We both went out and watched the ring in an empty movie theater was the two of us and both got scared shitless watching that thing and had a great fucking weekend working with him. So I was trying to get to that part where he first moved to New York, but I actually read

the part where his marriage first marriage fell apart, man, that fucking guy's a great writer. So check out that book if you get a chance. There's also another book that just came out on Greg Geraldo, which I didn't even know was coming out. So I don't even know who wrote the thing. I just saw Bobby Kelly promoted it on his Instagram. So I'm definitely going to get that book. You know, I don't know. I don't even know what I'm doing, but I don't know what I'm doing. I'm fucking devastated. I really am devastated. My fucking beloved Bruins lost. And I'm also oddly really happy for St. Louis, you know, long suffering fans. It's just the weirdest fucking feeling. I was actually sitting there with Bobby and he was going to believe this

fucking bullshit. I was just like, they're the better team. They're the better team. And when they raised the cup, just seeing how excited the guys actually had a smile on his face and Bobby's looking at me. I was like, dude, I fucking love this shit. This is the best fucking trophy ever. But I would be lying to you if I am not fucking, if I didn't say I wasn't fucking devastated right now. Jesus Christ. And then that's it. Thank God for MotoGP. Thank God I got into motorcycle racing because to go from the end of the fucking NHL playoffs and just the level of intensity, you know, trying to ease your way, you know, into fucking the dog days of fucking baseball, you know, I always equate, it must be like what Rick Flair felt like after doing a road of,

you know, a run of wrestling and then trying to come home to his family life and trying to come down from fucking styling, profiling all that shit and screaming. It's like the fan version of that. So thank God for fucking MotoGP. And I get to watch those fucking amazing lunatics race those bikes around at 200 miles an hour. And I'm not shitting on baseball because I do love baseball. Actually, you know, I've been so into the NBA finals and the Stanley Cup final that, you know, the other day when there was a day off, I actually was like, I have to watch some sort of competition here. And I watched the Yankees Mets game. And I was able to get into it. I prefer the Yankee feed over the Met feed just because I'm more familiar with that Michael Kay and all of that.

And I also love listening to Paul O'Neill. And but I was just sitting there. I don't know. I have to tell you this. So let's let's talk. So in the end, congratulations to the St. Louis Blues. Congratulations to Billington for proving me wrong. I mean, he had just forced stand on your head fucking saves in a game seven. I mean, you don't get lucky like that. I think the kid is the fucking real deal. All right, there I said it. But I've gotten so into this NBA final finals. Jesus Christ, jumping back and forth here. I was initially for Toronto. And I still really kind of am because of the Toronto fans. But I have to tell you at first I was making fun of Drake. Now I love him because I find myself watching him when the ball's being brought

up the court like he is so out of his fucking mind. He's he's literally pacing the sidelines like he's coaching the team like I was watching him when they were bringing the ball up and he was just manically making this spread like spread the offense fucking gesture. And I'm going like this guy has has lost his fucking mind like he's doing shit that like I do in my living room when I know nobody's watching. He's doing this on television. So part of me I don't want Toronto to win because I want to see this again. I don't want to see satisfied Drake. I want to see longing for a championship Drake. And that last game watching the Warriors show why they're fucking champions. You know, and I'm not you know, I didn't get upset with Toronto fans cheering when

KD went down. That was that was fear more so than disrespect. That was just like oh thank god this guy is out. All right. Although there was that one cunt in the front row, you know, who was dressed sort of like you know, he looked like he listened to fucking remember those awful rap metal bands from the early 2000s. He looked like a fan of one of those bands. And he was like waving bye bye and it's just like who the fuck does that? Who does that right? So this is what I think happens in that series. I think Golden State. I don't know, but you got Leonard Leonard is just fucking ice water. When you won't even give a fist pound to one of your own fucking players, that's when you know

you're in this zone. He's like the fucking Marshawn Lynch, like his attitude, where he doesn't give a fuck about anything except when you saw that quote when they split at home and they were going out to Golden State and the I must have the teacher, the coach was going, you know, we go out there, we just we get one, we do all we got to do is win one game and he speaks up and said, fuck that, let's win two. And then they did. He's like fucking John Wayne in a Western. So I don't know, I don't actually, I gotta be honest with you, I will be happy either way. Watching this series, no matter what happens, I will be, you know, in the end, I think I want to see Toronto win a little more, just because they

haven't won a championship in so long. But like the next championship, I really wanted to see Toronto win was I wanted to see them win a cup. You know, I will tell you though, anytime I see Toronto fans gathering outside watching something on a screen, I get a negative feeling going like, oh, how many times we've seen this, they gradually start peeling off. It's one of the saddest, slowest departures of a fan base you're ever going to fucking see. But God bless them because they do show up. So I wanted to go seven games. My gut feeling is Golden State comes out and wins game six and then loses game seven in Toronto. I just think Toronto might wear him down by that point. Golden State is really banged up. But I will tell you what would be

fucking sick is if Toronto goes into their building and fucking ends their dynasty in their own building. Oh, oh, you know what that would take me back to 1985. When Kareem hit that last fucking skyhook, I never forget that. And he ran down the court and he fucking made he balled up both his fists like that's it. We got these motherfuckers. And I was just like, they finally beat us in the final finals. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better, better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at COVID-resources.org or call

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We lose the Stanley cup final typical New York fan pops his fucking head up. Jesus Christ. I'm surprised I didn't hear from Rob Stapleton. He's another fucking half ass fan. Never around during the losses and like they're whack-a-mole fans. Then they're, then they're comedy kings on stage when it comes to fucking sports fans, they're fucking queens. All right. I'm sure I'll be hearing from both of them now. All right, me on these, there are two types of dudes in the world. Those that go through the gate and those that go over the fence. Well, after all these years of research and countless experiments with seasoned underwear

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words here. When you order any me on these you get 15% off free shipping get 15% off affair or the most comfortable on these you will ever put on to get your 15% off your first pair free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee go to me on these.com slash burr. That's me on these.com slash burr. All right, that's it. And once again, lastly, but not leastly, truly from the bottom my heart, congratulations, St. Louis, you guys, you know, without a doubt, we're you just with a better team. You guys played fucking amazing hockey. And I really thought it was a great blend of the old style, hard style of play that I grew up watching and the new style and and great franchise, great fucking fans. I'm sure a lot of bandwagoners will be there on

Saturday for the parade. But all you old school guys, you know, congratulate men and women who watch that team. Congratulations. God knows you fucking waited longer for it, which makes it all the more sweeter. All right, enjoy this fucking sad music. I want to feel be sad music. I have no idea don't pick the music. And then we'll have a greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast when maybe I was a little happier. See you. Tom comes. Just remember G. You'll always have a place in this world as a memory, especially my boys who passed away back in 92. Let's believe that all the boys in the hoods got love for you. Wherever we go, wherever we be, we be thinking of how we hung in the club smoking

and drinking, never missing out on a hood fight. Cause every day back in the hood, we had a good fight. Everything has changed and people are looking lonely. There's going to be strains spending New Year's Eve without your honey. But ain't much that we can do except for brook throughout the food to make sure we all remember. Yeah. And but maybe it hurts to see the boy, your blue bread with six feet in the dirt. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 12th, 2011. How's it going? I got fuzz in the damn microphone. Yeah. Why, why do I keep doing these by myself? I have the star spangled banners in my fucking head because the NBA finals and the NHL finals have, have never been on the same night and I've been

watching all of them. So that's all I've been hearing every fucking night. Oh, say, can you see? And then when you watch the fucking NHL finals, you also get, oh, can I do you? Glorious and free maple setup and hockey and some fucking caribou, the Alaskan pipeline and fucking people who think they're from France. Just every fucking night. And you know, start the fuck with me. Can you guys tell that I have absolutely nothing prepared for this week? Nothing funny to say. I don't, I got nothing. It's a minute 23 and, and I'm ready to pull the fucking plug because I got too much shit to do. I'm actually recording this on a Sunday afternoon. A beautiful, beautiful Sunday, sunny Sunday afternoon. Did you go to church, Bill? Oh,

Jesus. No, I did not. Although when I was out in the forest, I got to tell you when, last week when I thought I was going to get eaten by a bear, I did pray to a higher power. And I know what a lot of people right now, a lot of you Jesus freaks out there, a lot of you people who went to the old J star are probably like, yeah, see, see, you believe, you believe. I believe in higher power. Yes, absolutely. But I don't believe in the, in the stories. I don't think he's ever talked to anybody. That's, I think that's what I believe. You know, like today I was in the car and my girl was bugging me and I said to her, you know what, you're really making me want to slap you in the face. You notice she's hell bent on fucking painting the goddamn apartment. I don't

know why. All right. And I have to do a benefit tonight. And then I have to go fucking go straight to the airport and take a red eye to Chicago coming in a day early because I got some friends out there and they got some ice time somewhere. And you know, why not? I'll fucking come in a day early, play a little hockey, continue my Peter Pan lifestyle. So of course, she's just like, I want to paint the living room. We have to get this done. We got to get drop cloths. We got to get some paint. Yada fucking Yada, right? So where does she go? I go, all right, where are we going? Where are we going? And she's like, we have to go to Home Depot. All right. Which I fucking hate Home Depot. I can't stand it. All right. With that 900 foot ceilings and they're two employees

that they have there. And you finally run into one. And it's like, you know, first of all, you go win the fucking place. And that same feeling I had when I walked into the forest where I was like all alone. And I didn't know what the fuck was going to happen. That's what you feel like when you go into these, these super stores, as they call them. And then you walk in there when you finally fucking find somebody. You know, oh, that's not my department. I just do window shades. You know, back in the day when you walked into a hardware store, the fucking person knew the whole goddamn store. First of all, because it was only the size of, I don't know, I don't know, of store. And I know all you guys out there who get on your knees and slurp the corporate cock

are going to tell me, well, you didn't have as many selections. Go fuck yourself. All right, swallow the load and kill yourself because the old school hardware stores, they were better. You walk in, there was some grumpy guy there. And you'd be like, yeah, I need a fucking widget and a fucking shower curtain rink. And he'd look up, you know, from some shit he was whittling on. He'd tell you exactly where the fuck it was. And he continued whittling as he cornered his eye, he looked at you as you, you went in the wrong direction down on the bottom. There we are, the bottom, one of those guys. Now you got all those douchebags out there, right? People work at Home Depot, basically people who couldn't get a job at the Apple store, you know, they couldn't

get one of those genius t shirts. So now they get an orange apron. And then you just stand around, you know, looking at their nails. I don't know what. So anyways, we get down to this fucking place. And as we're driving there, all right, evidently, whatever paint she wants to get, I wasn't involved in this fucking decision, you know, whatever the brand is, we're on our way over there, which I really don't have time to do. She goes, Oh my God, I hope they have, you know, Eddie Rabinowitz's eggshell fucking Robin egg white or whatever the fuck she was talking about. And immediately in my head, I'm like, why didn't you call ahead? Why didn't you call ahead? So what do you think happened, everybody? What do you think happened when we went into the fucking

monstrosity that is Home Depot with their 40,000 fucking different selections? Guess what they didn't have? The Eddie Rabinowitz Robin egg fucking blue goddamn coffee cream, whatever the fuck it was called. They didn't have it. So immediately I get pissed. So she looks for a silver lining. Well, at least we got drop cloths. So then we go to get out of this some shit I didn't have fucking time to do anyways. And then she wants me to stop McDonald to go get her a fucking the lemonade frozen frisbee or whatever the fuck drink they have there. And I'm like, no, I'm not doing it. I don't have time. So of course, she starts pounding. So what do I do? I give in like a I give in. You know, and I was sitting there in the goddamn fucking line.

And you McDonald's is hilarious. Now, evidently, they're trying to go healthy. I think the biggest loser is really starting to fuck with these fast food places because all these fatties are finally realizing Oh, really? I can't have three 7000 calorie triple double cheeseburgers with bacon on it. Evidently, that's the reason why I have this slab of shit that's covering my knees at this point. Forget about my genitalia. I think they the biggest loser. I think that they've actually had an effect because I went there and you could actually get like a Waldoff salad or some shit. Some salad with like an apple in it, which was hilarious because you know, it sucks. It's still somehow. And then they had like some low fat yogurt with them. As long as McDonald's is doing it, it's somehow

still going to come out to about 9000 calories. So what the fuck was my point here? It's talking about slapping her in the face. Oh, that's why I said I'm slapping the face. Ah, Jesus Christ, I was going somewhere with this. The fuck was they talking about? How did I get into this? It's talking about going in the woods. Ah, Jesus, you know, I don't even fucking remember. I'm such a long winded jackass. What the fuck was I talking about? There's something about slapping her in the face and then I didn't do that. And that tied into some other shit that I can't fucking remember. Ah, fuck, what do I try? Oh, it's talking about church, right? Why I don't believe? Oh, that's right. That's right. Church. There we go. We're back on track,

everybody. Back on track. So I said, I'm going to, I really feel like slapping you in the face. This is when we were on the way of the McDonald's and she goes, you know, obviously looking at me like, don't do that. So I go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to slap Jesus instead because she's into Rosaries, you know, and she has it hanging from the fucking rear view mirror of our stupid Prius. So I'm going to, I'm going to slap Jesus anyway. So he's sitting there on the cross, of course, always in that moment. Look what I did for you, right? So I just fucking slap him right on the cross and he flies back and forth. So she starts giving me shit. Don't slap Jesus, right? And yeah, that's what I just kind of said. You know, do you really think that this happened

that God, you know, took out his giant fucking higher being dick, came into this fucking Petri dish the size of a jacuzzi, right? And then took out some sort of syringe and artificially inseminated what's her face there? Jennifer? Was it, was that his mom's name? Right? Do you really think that happened? It didn't. It didn't happen. Am I saying there's not a higher power? No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying all these fucking stories that they're telling you are them that made up. This guy did, you know, he came out of a womb that was never in banged. And then he died for you. And the only way to get into heaven is if you do what we say and give us some money. I mean, how fucking dumb are you if you go into that shit? I can't help you.

I can't fucking help you. But if you want to talk about a higher power, I definitely believe in that shit. But none of us know what it is. I don't believe. I don't, I don't fucking know. I don't know where you go. I don't know what happens. But neither does anybody else. Because you read it in a book. What happens when you die? Who wrote it? Who exactly wrote it? How dumb do I sound right now to all you Jesus freaks? Y'all rolling your eyes as you write with your feathered pen to punish yourself for some bullshit that you did? Here's something for you. I don't believe in ghosts either. All right, we're just going to go right down the line of shit that I don't believe in. I don't believe in Jesus and I don't believe in ghosts. But I got

to admit there's some sort of paranormal shit been going on in my fucking apartment lately. All right, we went on vacation, we came back and all our forks are missing except for two of them. You know, and on two different occasions, I've been playing guitar, I get up out of my little fucking playpen area slash office and I walk in to talk to Nia and then I come back and my settings are different on my fucking amp. So I think considering that the ghost stole my forks and is fucking with my amps, there's only one logical conclusion that this spirit died at a scorpion's concert. That's what happened. All right, and only heavy metal fans got that. Remember that? That song, there's no one like you and the guy had the forks in his eyes. Remember that shit?

I think that that's what's going on. So I'm going to be on the next season of Ghost Hunters. And I'm going to sit in there with some douchebag with the video camera yelling at the ghost, you have exactly four minutes to show yourself. You ever see that? Have I talked about that? How ridiculous that fucking show Ghost Hunters is. Those fucking idiots sit around yelling at the ghost. They always somehow, first of all, they always know the ghost's name and they'll just be sitting there yelling at the ghost, like threatening, like threatening this spirit that evidently is is hanging out in the kitchen for all eternity. You know, Maggie, we know you're here. All right, we're getting sick of this. You got four minutes to show yourself,

we're packing up all our equipment. Right. What do you think Maggie's thinking? Well, do it. I don't give a fuck. This is the most entertaining shit ever sitting here frustrating you guys. I'll flick in the ear. My little ghost fingers on the way up. You guys believe in ghosts? Do you believe in that shit? I was actually watching some fucking channel. I can't remember the names of anything. It's called like Payola or something. Pirelli, that's a tire. They have all these fucking unplugged sets by these bands. That's my computer making all that noise. And I was watching one, you know, when you get to be old like me, you just lose touch with modern music.

But there's bands that you just, you keep hearing this fallout boy. I'll fuck you while you young people. Oh my God, that's like so 2000, whatever. I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying they blend in. So one of them was my morning jacket. All right. Now, when I grew up, no one would name a band my morning jacket. All right, you'd name it something that had to do with Satan or else I wasn't going to listen to it. So whenever I heard my morning jacket, that just sounded like, you know, it was going to be like that Jack Johnson's kind of stuff. You know, that shit that like women and hippies like. So I never listened to it. You know, I just thought it was going to be more like that fallout boy,

like that whining, crying. Remember like the last 10 years that emo shit, where was that song that I made fun of that one week? Does that sound like you're going to win anything? That sounds like you're already lost and you're walking home crying to your mom. You know, you're just talking shit because you're too fucking embarrassed knowing you're lost. So I assumed that they were kind of like that. And I don't know, man, I watched if they're unplugged that they were fucking unbelievable. And I want to download some of their shit. All right, legally. So let me know how's their latest album, because there was somebody else who was on like leaky Lee was on before it, and I watched her shit and I loved it. And then I

listened to that on iTunes and I was like, ah, the unplugged shit sounded way better. Her shit was like singing through all this distortion stuff, which I can't stand after a while, you know, it's like, bitch, just sing the goddamn song. Okay, stop sounding like you're fucking, I'm listening to it three floors above you. You know, if you're going to do some shit like that, do it the way Jimmy Page did it. And I felt like I was on acid, you know, how he used to do that shit. And he would have it, you back in the day, you would listen to albums on headphones and bands knew it. And they knew you were on drugs. And they used to try to enhance the experience. That's how great rock used to be. Okay, that's how into drugs they were,

they knew you were on drugs. So they would make album and they were on drugs and they would make albums that would make being on drugs feel better. And they used to do shit where they would, they would, whatever, they'd have some sort of, some sort of effect going on. And they would, they would make it go from the left side to the right side, just your speakers. But when you had headphones on, it felt like it passed through your goddamn head. It's tremendous. Now I don't know, I don't know what the fuck they do. They yell into a bullhorn throughout the whole fucking concert into a microphone like that. That's the best you can do.

Who does that shit? You know, it does that all the time is that guy, Scott Weiland. Is that his name? Guy from STP, Velvet Revolver. He's big into that. Singing through the fucking bullhorn as he walks around in his Nazi supermodel outfit. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. Are you a new listener? I hope you are. I hope we continue to grow this podcast. I do one of these every goddamn week and people send me questions. They ask for advice. They send me lists of underrated, overrated. We talk about YouTube fucking videos that we like. I curse a lot because I don't read and I'm not intelligent. All right, speaking of YouTube videos, which I keep forgetting to talk about,

I got a bunch at this point. Here's one you got a lot. And these are all, by the way, all of these can be viewed exclusively at themmpodcast.com. First off, I did another tour of, you know, those videos I make where I do like the tours of Los Angeles and show you different parts of LA. Actually, I did one in New York City. And we just put that up. So we'll have that on the MM podcast page. And do you remember when I was sick a few weeks ago? And I felt like shit and all that. This video was shot the day that I was getting sick. Notice when I'm on the subway when I'm walking down there, look at the flop sweat on my giant forehead as I'm starting to get sick. We got that. And here's a video that has since blown up, which pisses me off because

I've been meaning to talk about this one for a month. There's one a video called fan escapes. I don't know if I talked to, I don't think I talked about this one yet. It's basically some kid in an Astros game. He jumps out of the stands, runs across right field, gives a great head fake to a security guard, breaks his ankles. He goes up and over the wall. He just, and just fucking amazing. He basically climbs up the stadium and runs out the back of it. And as far as I know, he got away. And I would love a lot of Europeans to watch this who think every American's a fat fuck. You should see this guy. This guy does like about a good four or five pull-ups and climbs up out of a stadium from basically center field. It's amazing. So definitely check

that one out. There's another good one out there that I was watching called, it's basically how to talk to cops. And this one's funny because the people who actually are doing it are actually complete dirtbags, but they know their rights probably because they've been getting arrested their entire life. And it's really fascinating. I saw this video a long time ago about how many rights you give up when the cops pull you over simply because you don't, you don't know the law. And they just ask you questions. Like in this video, the guy goes, because the guy was videotaping the cop, he comes over, he goes, what do you videotape me for? He goes, can I see that camera, please? Now most people, 90% of people would be like, yes, officer, here you go because you're,

you're, you don't want to get arrested. This guy was like, no. And the cop goes, why can't I have the camera? He goes, ah, because it's mine and you need a search warrant. He just started rattling off this shit. And the cops just like, ah, fuck. He knows the rule. I don't know if he needs a search warrant, but you need, he needs probable cause. I'm videotaping. It's illegal. It's not illegal to videotape. And he just, he stonewalls the guy and he goes, and I'm on my property. You're actually on my property. Get off my property, please. And every time he says the shit, you're like, oh my God, he comes to beat down, but it never fucking happens. But who's kidding who? The only reason why it goes down like this is because there's witnesses. There's too

many people standing around because if this guy tried this shit in the middle of nowhere with the cop, the video camera would be up his ass. And he would also be facing some sort of charges of assaulting the police officer because the police officer sprained one of his fingers when he shoved the camera up his ass. At least that's been my experience. What are the YouTube videos? Let me make sure I read all of these. Let me show you all of these before I move on to the next topics here. For Christ's sake, where the fuck are the other YouTube videos? Oh, this is a good one. I think we actually did this one a long time ago. Boyfriend, fuck you. You ever do that shit when you hit on a girlfriend? She lets you hit on a girlfriend. You hit on some girl and she lets

you do it for 10 minutes and then brings up her boyfriend. This guy does the reaction that you want to do. It's called boyfriend, fuck you. And then we got some music ones here. Crossroads Festival, Steve Windward, Eric Clapton and Steve Jordan, my favorite drummer and Derek Trucks. What else do we got here? Mark Knoppler. I haven't even looked at these. I've been so goddamn busy. We got some music ones this week. And what the fuck was the other one? Oh, I know what I wanted to talk about. Do you guys, do you have a guilty pleasure movie that you watch that you would be unbelievably embarrassed? That other people would know that anytime you see it, you definitely watch it. This is mine.

It's actually called the goodbye girl, which is arguably one of the gayest fucking movies of all time. All right, but what I love about it, the reason why I like it is because it's Richard Dreyfus, his first big role and I'm a big Richard Dreyfus fan. And I just love it because you see a guy seizing the opportunity that he's got this role and he just, he just goes all out. It's a total fucking chick flick or whatever, but I don't know. He's always funny to me in the amount of shit that he has to do in the movie that I would be embarrassed to do when he pulls it off is why I always end up watching the movie. But I never watch it from beginning to end. I always catch it at some point. Plus I'm a sucker for any movie that's shot in New York and I get to see what New

York used to look like. So that's another reason why I love watching that movie. And it's just a great movie on a lot of different levels. There's another level where the only people of color in that movie play muggers. Like you really see what the fuck Spike Lee is complaining about when you fucking see. It's like, it's so like, how white they make New York is unbelievable. It's just wall to wall. Fuck everybody's white. And then at one point the lady gets her groceries stolen. So Richard Dreyfus runs after this carload of people and out of the car jumps like two Puerto Ricans and a black guy and they get fucking aphros and knives. All of a sudden it turns into death wish this chick flick for like half a second. It's completely unnecessary in the plot of the movie

other than to just remind white people to be racist. But that's not what I wanted to talk about in that movie. What really interests me in that movie is I mentioned a zillion times as I drive a Toyota Prius and when I drive it properly and I'm not slamming on the brakes and stomping on the gas, I can get 41 miles per gallon. Okay. Which is supposed to be good because a lot of shit gets 23-25. Now I've maintained for a while now that cars in the 70s used to get like 33-35 miles of fucking gallon and that's goddamn almost, you know, 35-40 years ago. In this movie, this chick flick, the goodbye girl, the chick that Dreyfus is falling for, she's actually, you guys ever go to a car show? You know, they show all the, whatever they should, coming up in

October, they'll start having the car show and they have all the 2012 models that are coming out and speaking of models, they have these broad standing next to them, at least they did back in the day unless they consider it too sexist. They'd have good-looking women standing there talking about the car. So anyways, her character does that in this movie and it's like, it's like 76, 1977, something like that. And she's standing in front of this Subaru talking about the car and says it gets 39 miles per gallon. All right? See, this is why I don't believe in shit. I don't believe in fucking anything. This is why everybody thinks, oh, you're paranoid, you're a fucking conspiracy, that's it, fucking right there, 39 miles per gallon of this fucking all-wheel drive

Subaru, those things back there weren't, oh yeah, four-wheel drive, Subaru got 39 miles per gallon. That was their claim, okay? That's 19 fucking 76 or 77. You're telling me in 35 years, the best we've been able to do is get me next to two miles per gallon on a fucking hybrid. It's complete bullshit. I think there's plenty of fucking oil and it's at the whole thing's horseshit. Do you know one time I was riding in a cab in New York City and this Pakistani dude was driving it? Surprise, surprise. And I was talking to him about, I love talking to people who don't live here or who initially didn't live here and now live here, just getting their whole viewpoint on shit, whether I agree with it or not, it's just interesting to me. So I was talking to

him, this is the first time the gas prices were going through the fucking roof and he says to me, he goes, do you know, a Toyota Camry in this country gets like whatever the fuck it was at the time, 23, 25 miles per gallon. He goes, do you know in my country it gets like 38, 39 miles per gallon or like 40 something ridiculous? He goes, do you know why that is? And I said no. And he goes, because we can't afford a car that gets 23 to 25 miles per gallon because I guess where they live, whatever the fucking gas prices are, whatever their fucking economy is, they can't afford a car that gets that amount of miles. So they just adjust the goddamn engine. So what I'm saying people is it's all bullshit. I don't know where I'm going with this stuff.

And I don't know who to complain to. What about all those grease monkeys out there? You sit there and you watch these fucking shows on TV where they do like a build, they'll have some car. You know, like, we're like, hey, today, you're not gonna believe what we're gonna do. We got a 1972 fucking GMC, Willie's garbage truck. And we're going to combine that with a 1975 Porsche 911. It's all going to look fucking sweet. And they somehow do it. The fucking car runs and it's fucking got like nine wheels and it goes flying down the street and it's got a fish tank in the back, right? Why don't they use that talent to fuck with the engine and get it to get it to make like, you know, like a hundred miles per gallon or any of my podcast listeners out there, do you

know how to do that shit? Is it that fucking hard? Isn't it just a couple of twists of the screwdriver on a carburetor? Do they have carburetors anymore? Christ, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let's let's plow ahead, everybody. He's getting into conspiracy theory. Oh, geez. All right, let's go with advice here. You know, like always, somebody sent me one and I can't remember where the fuck I put it. But some lady came over here from England. And she lives just north of New York City and she loves living here. She loves the excess of America is what she said. But her husband, she said, is driving him nuts because he's an environmentalist and he is taking the environmentalist stance to the point that he won't flush the toilet when

he just takes a piss. So she goes walking into the loo as she calls it and he's got his fucking piss in there and she's like, what do I do about this? This is what you do, lady. You got to tell just put a fucking brick or a stone in the back of your toilet so you won't use as much water and tell the dude to flush the goddamn toilet. Okay, just tell him to flush the toilet. I'm all for trying to conserve, but flush the fucking toilet. All right. And furthermore, I don't like your attitude though, because she did the classic where, you know, he's doing all this other stuff too for the environment like it's going to matter. I hate people who got that defeatist attitude that it's not going to fucking matter. You know, like when you vote for a Ron Paul and they tell you that

you wasted your vote by voting for somebody who's actually being honest, whether you agree with them or not. Like that's a wasted vote. Oh, really? It's a wasted vote to vote for that guy to try and encourage more people like that who don't give a fuck to run for office. Dude, he's not going to win. So that that's why you vote. You vote because you want to vote for a winner. Ah, Jesus, that's depressing. Speaking of fucking depressing, the fucking Stanley Cup finals this year. Can anybody figure it out? I think this has been one of the most torturous finals for fans on both sides. God knows those canuck cunts wouldn't admit to it because now they're up three games to two, but you can't tell me during game three and four, you weren't like,

what the fuck happened to my team? Why are they playing like a bunch of pussies and allowing themselves to be pushed all over the ice? That's what's happened every home game. The visiting team just gets smashed in the mouth and does nothing about it. It's fucking driving me nuts. All right, I'm getting sick of you fucking canuck fans talking shit. Like your team is fucking superior. You've won three one goal games. The twins, what have they done? Shit. They haven't done shit. What has Ryan Kessler done? Shit. He's done nothing. What about that fucking, that goddamn Luongo with his sad basset hound eyes behind his goalie mask? You bunch of punks. I actually liked your fucking team until we played you guys and the amount of

shit you guys have been talking. I actually used to like your fucking team. I would have rooted for the, if the Bruins weren't in it, I would have rooted for the Canucks because they never won one, but their fans are such cunts. Oh, with their stupid hankies that they have during the goddamn game. The only people who should do that are Pittsburgh Steeler fans. They came up with it. It was the terrible towel. Anyone else who does it, it's fucking gay. I can't wait for the Bruins to win game six and game seven. So you fucking pussies are crying in your goddamn hankies. Jesus Christ. This is the thing though. I actually think they're a great team and they got a tremendous amount of talent on there, but those motherfuckers are the cheapest sons of bitches I've ever seen in my life.

I don't mind the hits. I don't mind that shit. You know, it happens. All right, but the fucking, the diving and the flopping. Hey, I asked this the other day. I was on TSN, which is the ESPN up in Canada. I called in and I asked this, can some hockey fan please explain to me? All right. And one of the games, the last game actually, game five. All right. They're lining up for a faceoff and Burroughs is right next to Lucic. So what he does is he puts his leg in front of Lucic's stick and then just does a pratfall and acts like he trips. Okay. Now I would think that either he'd get two minutes for diving or they would call Lucic for tripping because they didn't realize that, you know, that they got faked out. But for some reason Lucic got two minutes for tripping and

Burroughs got two minutes for embellishment or something stupid like that. I don't get that. It's like he either fucking tripped the guy or he didn't. What does that penalty mean? Like, okay, he tripped you, buddy. He didn't trip you that bad. I don't know. I've had it. The fucking goddamn twins. Jesus Christ did flopping all over the fucking ice. That's how you want to win a cup Vancouver. That's how you want to do it. By pretending you got hurt. Fucking shameless. Just a shameless fucking hockey team. I got no, I have absolutely no fucking respect for my cup lost all fucking respect for that goddamn team. And I can't believe it. There's no fucking reason for them to be doing that shit. They got enough weapons. They sort of have a good gold tender

and they're a great physical team. Why do you got to play like fags? You know, why? Is that what you guys do out there in Vancouver? Is that what you do when you're not going out on a fucking whale watch and listening to your Euro trash music with your awful tight clothes that you wear up there? I've been to Vancouver for about 20 minutes. Beautiful scenery if you're not looking at the people. I can't wait to play Tampa or Vancouver just for the fan that actually takes this shit seriously. Anyways, plowing ahead, plowing ahead, speaking of speaking of what the fuck was I talking about? Okay. And all that type of stuff. A certain comedian got into a bunch of trouble for a bunch of stuff he said during a stand up performance. And people got offended. And this really bugged me.

I was watching a news program. I was watching a program that involved the news and this dude came on and the comedian apologized. And they asked him what he thought. And the guy was just like, well, you know, I think the apology was good, but I don't think it's enough. I think he should donate some money to the fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it just killed the whole fucking thing for me. It killed the outrage. I should really just look at the guy at that. It's like, really at the end of it, all you want to do is just get some fucking money out of the guy. You know, I don't understand that. I really don't. You know, somebody does something and then they apologize. That should be enough. You got, that's not enough. You got to take the money out of his

fucking wallet. You know, so if that's the case, then you really don't give a shit about the apology. You just wanted some, you're just using it as an excuse to get some fucking money, right? That make any fucking sense. I don't know. I'm basically judging the entire topic because of that one douche I saw on TV. All right, let's plow ahead here before I have to fucking apologize to somebody. People of Vancouver. Do you think that is his apology that he made fun of your white belts and white shoes, your herb tarlic Euro trash way of fucking dressing at your dance clubs? The fact that he apologized, was that enough? I don't think it's quite enough. I think he should make a donation to the Vancouver mountainous region. I go fuck yourselves. All right, dear

Bill, I am from Kansas City and there's currently radio commercials in which a law officer, a law office offers their services exclusively for women going through a divorce. Of course they do. There's a ton of money involved there. They talk about how they will review all of the husband's finances and ensure the woman will receive the maximum amount the law will allow. And then he writes in capital letters. What the fuck? Are there any law offices that offer services exclusively for men? I doubt it. If there were, I would imagine there would be a huge protest from feminists all across the US. I know you've addressed this hundreds of times over, but why is it okay to completely fuck a man over? This commercial insinuates the man is already in the wrong.

This is absolute bullshit. Dude, preach on. This guy is speaking the gospel here. Anyways, wanted to share this with you as this is just another example of man bashing commercials that just pissed me off. All right, let's review this. Yeah, okay. First of all, you can't get mad at the lawyers because they're just going where the money is. And as you say that if it was the opposite way, that there would be feminist groups protesting. All right, that therein lies the fucking problem until men actually get together and start protesting that type of shit, which I would absolutely love to be a part of on any fucking level. I would love to see that happen. But we're guys, we don't do that shit. Once we get you get punched in the face. Yeah, fuck you. You

get up and you walk away. You can't do that. Yeah, there should be guys protesting it. I think that would be fucking hilarious. That's absolutely terrifying. That's one of nine million reasons why I never got fucking married. That is just unfucking believable. I'll tell you what kills me is most women who would watch it, they always say the same thing when you're like, you'll say to them, like, can you believe that shit? When they always say that same, yep, that's right. That's right. Yeah, that's what you get. That's what you get. Big stupid face. What the fuck have you ever done? That's my whole, my whole thing with that is just, I don't know, you get married, you just better pray to God it fucking works out as a guy that's

all you have. And the amount of power, it's not, it's not a balanced relationship because of the way that the divorce laws are. It's the second, you know, it's like when you're single, you have an unbelievable amount of power as a guy, even if you're in a relationship because she can't get to you legally. That's it. It's fucking over. You have your shit and that's it. And you're a guy and you can earn a fucking living. That's it. You don't have to worry about shit. Then the second you get married, you lose all power because at any point she can just divorce you and fucking take you for everything you're worth, everything you work for. It's just, it's fucking over. Look at Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods gave his wife a quarter of a billion dollars.

She was a nanny, fucking nanny worth nine figures. For what? He had a prenup where she was only going to get five million dollars. Only five million dollars. Who here wouldn't kill for five million dollars? I quit my podcast for a fucking 200 grand. You know, you find out your husband's some dog going around cheating or whatever. That's, that happens to women and the guy's a broke ass son of a bitch and they're left with nothing. So it's not like women always make out, but here's a situation when you find out your husband's a dog, the marriage is over. Oh, but I get five million dollars, but that's not enough for the cunt because she knows he has a billion and she wants to get as much as that as she can.

I swear to fucking God, I can't do these topics because it makes you see red because they're not entitled to it. It's bullshit. All right. If you marry the greatest golfer of a fucking generation who's won 14 titles, okay, and you haven't even won a game of tiddlywinks on a professional level, you're not entitled to that money. You're not. You are legally, but you're not. You didn't fucking earn it. You cunt. All right. There you go, Bill. Get to the core of the hatred. All right. Number two. Bill, really? The fucking Norwegians get you for multiple gigs and London gets one night. You know how they hate... Wait a minute, dude. What are you talking about? The Norwegians? Okay. You're talking about the whole Scandinavian area. I'm in a different

country every night. I'm in England one night, then Finland, then Norway, then Denmark, and then Sweden. All right. That's totally equal. What are you bitching about? Not to mention, I already played London and the place was three quarters full. I don't think I need to do a week of dates there in front of nine people per show. All right. Bill, really? The fucking Norwegians get you for multiple gigs and London gets one night. I can't even... I don't know what he says here. You know they hate Mericue over in Sweden too, right? What is that? M-E-R-I-C-U-H. I'll have to look that up. I don't know what that is. Are you trying to fill some sort of urge to pal around with people who are whiter than yourself? Well, then look no further than London, sir. They are so white, they eat their

pizza with forks and knives. What? You think because you've been here before, you can just do London in a night and peace out. I use some sort of Anglo expert now. I'm just fucking around. Glad you're given London at least one night. Look forward to seeing you. Figures I discover your comedy after I move out to Los Angeles. Well, I'm out here in Los Angeles, sir. If you'd like to see me, I'm doing a benefit for Greg Giraldo's wife and family at the Wiltern Theatre. What the hell's the fucking date? Oh, Jesus, they're built. How do you not know where the fuck you're going to be? Oh, you know what? I know where the fuck it is. It's June 29th at the Wiltern Theatre. All right, not only can you see me, sir, you can see a bunch of other comics doing their fucking thing. All

right, Jeff Ross is going to be out there slappy white. We're going to have a bunch of big names. All right. Oh, I guess the email wasn't done here. By the way, that email you read from that guy who claimed to be French had a bunch of condescending misinformation in it. Write that guy back and tell him he's a prick just like all the rest of the French Parisians or otherwise. France is full of garlic eating, pseudo mustache having dickheads. Granted, their women are clean shaven though. Too bad the majority of them look like dudes regardless. Now, why do you think he's saying all that shit, people? Do you know why that is? It's because his country is next to France. Nobody likes the country they're next to,

right? Although I do like Canada, except for Montreal Canadian fans and even Vancouver Canuck fans with your hankies. Okay. And your pratfalls. Hey, when they, all those pratfalls that they do, do they play like Benny Hill music at the beginning of the, of whenever Vancouver has a home game when they show the highlights and they go, and then you show everybody flopping around on the fucking ice laughing because they're cheating. You got a hell of a team and you might win the cup, but Jesus Christ, how about next year? How about next year you make some sort of vow that you're going to have some sort of fucking code of honor, something? Jesus, this whole fucking series. Which one of the sendeens was it? Was it that fucking flopped onto his back and the ref

didn't even call it. And when he got up, someone on the Bruins were going, was going, are you okay? You all right? Everything okay? Oh Jesus, what a bunch of pussies. All right, overrated, underrated for this week. Underrated jerking off on the clock. Everyone should do this once in their lifetime. You might as well be getting blown by what, by your boss's wife. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. Yeah, but where do you do it? And then the odds are getting caught. That's, that's part of the excitement. Fucking weirdo. Jerking off at work. Where exactly? Oh, jerking off on the clock. Oh, I see. So what? You know what? I'm going home for lunch. Then you go back and you jerk off. Oh, but on lunch, you're not on the clock. Sir, could you please, or could you please elaborate and

let me know where exactly it is that you jerk off at work? Any of my listeners, any of you guys, you ever jerk off at work? Is this what the podcast, is this what it really has come down to? Anybody else ever rub one out at fucking work? And when you do, where do you go? Obviously the bathroom. Wow. I mean, you're really risking your fucking career there. If you get caught rubbing one out, I'm trying to think of a job that you could have where you could get caught rubbing one out at work and people would laugh it off. Obviously a comedian, you know, if you were rubbing one out in the green room, as long as you sold the room out, you know, that's the amazing thing about show business. I was thinking about this shit the other day that if you say you killed

somebody, you committed murder, but it was judge a crime of passion, you know, you lost your shit and you fucking killed somebody. So you go into jail for at least 15 years. Okay. So 15 years, 17 years you get out. Where are you going to get a goddamn job? Okay. Other than just continuing to be a criminal, you know, selling drugs or some shit, you know, there's only two places that you, I think that you can get a job. You can become like a car salesman because they don't give a fuck, you know, or you can get into show business. It's fucking amazing. You can go, you can walk right out of prison. If anybody is in prison listening to this shit, you know, if you have these privileges, you can get out of prison, you know, after doing 17 years, and then they hand you

your fucking z-cavary cheese that you wore when you walked into prison back in fucking 1993. With your goatee and I can't believe Kurt Cobain just killed himself t-shirt, right? Within a week, you could sign up, you could write first fucking day, you go out, sign up for an open mic, you could write five minutes material and you could be on stage telling jokes within a fucking week. And not only could you be, not only would you be accepted when other comedians found out that you murdered somebody, their reaction wouldn't be like, holy fuck, you're a piece of shit. They would just be like, dude, dude, you should talk about that on stage. That could be your hook, man. You go up in your orange jumpsuit, right? You let people know that you killed somebody

and then first of all, no one's gonna fucking hackle you. And then you can intimidate the crowd that if they don't laugh at your jokes, you're gonna go fucking do it again. You know, I was actually talking to somebody about that the other day about, you know, that's, that's a conversation that guys have a lot about, do you think you could survive if you went to prison? And I was talking to Keith Robinson about this shit. And I was telling him that I would go into prison and I would immediately join the Aryan nation immediately. I would, I would have a big pen out if I smuggled it in. I would, I would be drawing the swastika between my eyes, not because I believe in that shit, I just don't want to get raped. So I would be drawing that in on the bus ride into the prison.

And I told Keith, you know, no offense that if I did see him in prison, I would have to call him the N word. I just would just, you know, not out of some racist shit, I just, I would not want, I just don't want to get raped. And I have to bond with the fucking, the psycho, the psycho fucking, what do you call them? What do you call those guys, the white supremacist? And I'd have to sit there listening to their awful music. Remember that from American History X, remember that fatty was in the van singing the white man marches? Oh, would I be counting down the fucking days? Jesus Christ. But you'd have to do it. You'd have to do it. You'd have to become a full on fucking Aryan maniac. What are your,

what are your options? You know, I mean, I'm all for, you know, not being racist 100% all about it. I think it's ignorant and all that type of shit. But I draw the line at getting fucked in the ass. All right, fuck that. Fuck that noise, son. I'll say some shit that'll make fucking Charles Manson blush. Oh, well, maybe that's the guy I'd knock out. Come walking up to him with his vampire fingernails and just fucking slap the beard right off his face. Maybe that would prevent it. I don't know. If anybody's ever been to prison, what exactly? Someone like me. All right, before I commit to going in there and just shaving my head and acting like I'm part of the Aryan nation. Because that's the only way I see, you know, getting out of it.

If anybody who's been listening to this shit has been to prison, how does a Ron Howard Ralph Malf looking jackass like myself who hasn't had a fist fight since junior high outside of his family? How do you survive? How do you do it? That's the only option I could think. I got to go in there. I got to hang. Oh, Jesus, then I'd have to get a bunch of awful tattoos. Oh, Jesus Christ. That would, I probably just kill myself. That's what I was joking about. But then I wouldn't have the nerve to do it. And then I'd get raped. And then I'd be thinking as I was getting raped going, fuck, I should have done it earlier because now I got to kill myself. It's fucking unreal. So anyways, whenever you see these fucking people

when they, I remember a long time ago, there was some like, some kid in New York City, it was this classic case where he, he killed his girlfriend. And he said that they were having rough sex and it got out of control, right? Which is complete horseshit. He killed her, right? But that's what he said. So anyways, he ended up doing all of his time because he kept getting busted for shit. So when he was getting in prison, so like they were talking about, they were talking about him getting out. I remember he was getting out. They're like, so and so is getting out of prison, the, you know, the famous case, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And evidently, he was quite a busy man when he was in prison and they start giving him shit going

like he got busted on numerous occasions for selling drugs. He got into a couple of altercations with the guards and other inmates and they're talking about him like he should have been there coloring. It's like, no, he was doing what he had to do so he didn't become somebody's girlfriend. I hate when people do that. When they talk about people not behaving nicely in prison as if that's a place where that is an option. I saw a guy one time, he was saying that on one of those prison shows, he was talking about how whenever they're coming into your cell, they give you the option where you put your back to the door and then they reach it and they handcuff you and he's saying you can't do that. He goes, your options are basically,

you back up like a bitch to the door and then all the other inmates look at you like you're a bitch or you fight him. So what are you supposed to do? So you basically have to take a beat down from these fucking officers who are dressed like Robocop so that they don't rape you because it's fucking horrific. It's absolutely horrific and the fact that I've blown off jury duty for the last fucking 16 months. Speaking of being racist, that's one that people always say, like to get out of jury duty. Like they always just go in there and you just go in there and you just say a bunch of racist shit. I love when people, they think that that's how you do it. It's like, you know, yeah, or you could just ignore it when it comes in the mail. You just don't respond to it.

You could always do that as opposed to going down to the courthouse and just saying racist shit. You know, you're overthinking it. All right, where the hell am I? Overrated. American football. Even the name is inaccurate. Mexicans don't play it. Brazilians don't. Argentinians don't. Canadians don't play it much. No, they do play it. They have a whole league, you cunt. You're just too dumb to name another country. How about Venezuela? Dumb fuck. And here's the crucial bit. Nor does the rest of the world. This is a game where the Super Bowl is played only by American teams, yet they call themselves world champs. Dude, this is one of the oldest arguments I've ever heard. Even the World Cup events of hockey, rugby, and rock, paper,

scissors. Yes, that's a real event. Invite competitors from more than two nations. It's one of the few sports whose all American heroes from Joe Montana to Walter Payton were a bunch of guys who only played against their compatriots. Well, you know what? If you pussies want to put together a team and try and join the NFL, I mean, they play a game in London every year trying to get you guys interested in it. You're not interested in the fucking game. And I guarantee whatever fucking team you put together will kick the shit out of you just like we have in basketball. Our fucking sport, you cunt. The fuck do you get off talking about it? Football is, you know what football is? Football is the correction to soccer. See, Americans were smart enough to realize how

goddamn boring your fucking sport is. And you want to talk about a bunch of people diving. I actually, I'm going to take it back. I'm going to have to apologize to the Vancouver Canucks for suggesting that they were diving on an insane level. Okay. Professional soccer players take it to an entirely different level. All right. Every time somebody comes up and barely touches you, you act like you just got thrown out of a fucking car and you sit there with your scarves singing songs because you're so goddamn bored waiting for a fucking goal to be scored. What would happen if you actually picked the goddamn ball up and ran with it? It'd be exciting like rugby. Rugby is exciting as opposed to soccer or football, whatever the

fuck you call it. And I know what you're saying like, yeah, but in rugby, they're not pussies. They don't wear helmets. Yeah, they don't hit each other as hard either. I've watched it. I've watched both. I think they're both awesome sports to watch. Both of them make me cringe, but the American game is way faster and way more fucking violent. It just is. All right. Our football players are actually dying in their fifties and donating their brains to science. And they're finding that they have these guys who died in their forties, that whatever the fuck they have on their brain, they don't see in the average. They see it basically with people who die of Alzheimer's in their eighties. Okay.

People get paralyzed playing our game. All right. If you don't like our game, you know what it is? The rest of the world, you know, this is what I think it is. This is what I think your big fucking problem with America is, is that you just like a lot of our shit. You like our music. You like our clothes. You like a lot of our culture. And it kills you that we don't pay attention to your shit. You want our fucking approval on some goddamn level. Don't roll your fucking eyes at me. You do. The fuck are you doing listening to this podcast? This is an American podcast, sir. What is your fucking other than our foreign policy, which I totally fucking understand? What is it?

You know, because all the shit I just said about soccer, I actually really enjoy the Premier League. I really enjoy that. And I just think it's cool that you go there and you sing songs and you drink fucking beer with your red fat faces. I think that's a good thing. You know, I actually, I respect the fucking game here. You come over here talking about fucking, uh, how the fuck is American football overrated? You never even said why it was overrated. It is American football. United States is in the Americas. You dumb fuck. What are we supposed to call it? Asian football? You know what? You're a goddamn dummy, aren't you? Are you on the dole? Is that what you guys call welfare over there? What is it? Mexicans don't play it.

Brazilians don't play it. Our teachers don't. Yeah, yeah, they don't. They don't. What? Because they don't play it. We shouldn't play it. And it shouldn't be called American football, even though we're in America. Explain yourself, sir. Uh, I'm tired of that whole fucking thing. Oh, then he goes, well, let me digress. It's a great game. If you love commercial breaks. Um, Oh, what about your fucking game? Your game needs a commercial break. You know what? You know what fucking soccer needs? It needs a goddamn, it needs like a halftime show that's being played the entire time. If you get bored. One nil. We're into the penalty time and everybody's sitting there whistling in the crowd. You did something bad here. You got a yellow card. Oh, he took out

the red card. Jesus, a bunch of guys running around in shorts. Um, anyways, advice. Hey, Bill, love the podcast. Most guys would probably write in, uh, and how and ask how to get their girlfriend to do anal. Well, I've got a question that's a little more practical. Um, a girl that I'm seeing absolutely loves anal. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, that, you know, something that that's disgusting. All right. I'm just going to say that right off the bat that it's just fucking gross. That's something that for some reason became a big thing in porn for a while. And, uh, you know, all I'm going to say is this, I'm going to try to keep it clean here. You participate in that act long enough. You're going to realize why at some point someday, one time, you're going to

realize why you should never stick your pee pee in there. All right. Without getting gross. Okay. She insists on it every time we have sex. Yeah. The other day after we got back from a road trip that involved way too much gas station food up, here we go. Here we go. She was having an abnormal amount of gas. All right. I'm going to pause here and give you guys a chance to just kind of walk away from your little recording devices. So you don't have to listen to the rest of this. Here we go. Well, she eventually got up off the couch, ran to the bathroom and yelled, I just shit my pants. She was really cool about it. Well, Jesus, I mean, I mean, how cool can you be about it other than just being honest? But she's concerned about the effects of constantly having things shoved up her

ass. Yeah. Well, she should be. She just turned 30 and has only started doing anal on a consistent basis for the last few years. I was wondering if you could why are you bringing my girl into this? Get her to invite some of her friends over and then rambly randomly ask her friends which ones do anal on a consistent basis and whether or not they have problems shitting themselves. Thanks for the help. Yeah. She didn't. I don't know. She didn't shit herself because of the sex you have. And she shit herself because you ate at a gas station, I think. But I can't tell you that, you know, you're, I don't know. You know, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know where they go. I'm not a doctor.

I'm not into doing that to a female and, you know, it's a, it's a very soft membrane in there. You're dealing with, you're dealing with a bunch of issues there, buddy. A bunch of fucking issues. There's no reason to do it. What I would tell her is like, yeah, that's why you shit yourself. So you can get out of having to do that to her. You don't want to do that to the person you love. Do you? That's the mother of your kids someday. You know what, with that, I think it's about time to end this fucking podcast. Let's go with one more of these. Hey, hello, Bill. I'm 18 years old. I've been with my girlfriend for three years and honestly, I'm tired of fucking her. The relationship is fine. Me and her get along great, but I feel

like the excitement and the lust is gone. This is becoming a problem is making it really difficult not to cheat. I'm guessing at some point you've had the same problem. I just want to know, is this going to happen with every long-term relationship? I feel like I'm living the life of a middle-aged married man already, but I don't want to end it as me and her get along fine. Also, I just, also just to add, we've recently tried basically every sexually and we've, everything sexually and we've easily had sex more than 500 times, so there's no way to really spice things up anymore. Thanks. PS, I really think you would blow up over here in England if you got your specials on TV over here. You seem to tap into the British humor. The podcast

is great. Yeah, dude, you know what? If anybody knows anybody over there on TV, I would love to get my specials on over there. I think I have to do local TV over there. I should probably try and do that, do a local TV show over there. That's a great fucking idea. What the hell was your question? Sir, there is no way to spice it up after you've banged her 500 times. You just better hope that you love her in the end. Sex will happen less frequent and it's just how it is. It's just how it is, but then, you know, if you really love this girl and you dump her, you're going to be sad and be thinking about her as you're banging this new girl, who you're going to be excited about fucking probably about 40 times and then you're going to be right back to it. So that's

why they say it's not the be all end all. I don't know what to tell you. You know, I don't know. Why don't you go down the costume store and dress up like a fucking milkman? Why don't you start with that? I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you, dude. Yeah, it's fucking brutal. It happens. It happens to everybody. Sorry to end on a fucking downer there. Anyways, let's let's go up. Let's go up here. I'm going to be at the Chicago Theater with one of the antisocial network tour dates with Jim Brewer, David Tallinn, the wonderfully talented Jimmy Norton, June 15th, Wednesday, June 15th. I'm going to be out there at the Chicago Theater. There's still some tickets left. Very few. Please get off your ass. Come on down. Come on. See the

show. You're getting four for the price of one. And as far as I'm concerned for the best goddamn comics you're going to see out today. All right. Look at me talking a little bit of shit. And later on this month, I'm going to be at the Wiltern Theater for the Greg Geraldo benefit here in Los Angeles. Please, please, please buy some tickets. All the proceeds go to his widow and his wonderful kids. And it would mean a lot for me if you guys could make some time to come down to the show. I don't have the lineup in front of me. Maybe I'll read that next week, but it's just basically a who's who and really just let you know how well Greg was loved and respected by all other comics. So please come down to the Wiltern Theater in Los Angeles on June 29th. That's it. That's the

podcast for this week. I hope you guys all have a great week and I hope next week when I, this is what I'm hoping, the Dallas Mavericks win the NBA championship and the Bruins are, the Bruins are fucking actually have won the cup. That would be amazing. And I still think that they could do it. All right. That's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. We'll talk to you next week. Somebody's brother got kicked behind the parachutes in the midst of all this shit. I think about myself wondered when somebody's gonna try to take me off the shelf, but I refuse to be another violent casualty. So when I'm rolling, I pack my pistol grip beside my knee because on the city streets today, a brother just can't win when the people you think

are your friends really ain't your friends and Bush would can't sleep when everybody around me keeps falling six feet deep. The pain is deep inside of everybody grows as they approach to see the body before the casket close. The first is standing next to me and snap the flip. Once I seen the casket close, I knew that that was it. The whole entire family spoke on his defense. The choir sung our songs to make us reminisce. And during all the singing, I broke down myself when I looked and seen the family that my partner left. And then the choir broke into its final song, thinking to myself the worst is yet to come. Everyone was headed for the final flight as we

creeped along the gravel on the burial site. The director said his words and there was not a sound as they lure my little potlentose inside the ground. Everybody dropped their flowers on the coffin top and then they work along with the concrete block and that's deep. A lot of homies died. A lot of mothers cry. I watched tears fall down from their eyes. Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to take the chains. They chose the music so they had to dance. Couldn't tell them nothing was a player had to have it. Got caught up in the game. Now my boy's in the casket and everybody's looking for somebody else to blame. A shame to let his mother know that he was in the game. We used to kick it on the air that night. Coming up,

trying to have the finest things in life. But now my boy's come. I wish he was at home. I wish he wouldn't have never felt victim to the crumb. So when I drink a brew for you, I'll pour some on the block, son. You might be gone but you damn sure ain't forgotten. So remember whenever or wherever, did our live real partners come together. Ain't you know that? Finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help. Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications? Understanding this may help reduce medication trial and error. Gene site is a genetic test that analyzes variations in DNA. It shows how genes may affect someone's

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