Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-24

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

Bill rambles about Tom Brady's HOF induction, getting arrested, and following JAY-Z. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (33:19) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 6-13-24 - Bill rambles about the Cup, creepy coaches, and birthdays. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Jaydiohead - Dirt Off Your Android 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Seeing how you're doing how your day's going. See how your week's doing. Do you feel heard this week? Mmm little bit of water to water a little bit of water to stat my day I'm here in fucking Boston, Massachusetts. I'm not gonna lie to you. I think I had the set of my life last night as far as Just the biggest rush I've ever got from doing any sort of jokes or whatever in front of a crowd. Last night, I got to be a very small part of Tom Brady's induction into the Patriots Hall of Fame.

He got his red jacket and all of that. And the sheer amount of people, it was at Gillette State, they asked me to do it like in february And I was like, all right, and it just seemed to me like it was going to be a banquet You know what? I mean? It just kind of seemed like it was going to be one of those things You know if they don't do it before a game. I I was picturing You know something like the size of the hard rock cafe whatever

That thing behind fenway. I thought maybe it was going to be somewhere there. And so Freckles gets on with his life and all of a sudden the gigs coming up and I find out it's going to be a Gillette Stadium. And I'm like, oh, all right, is it like the Seahawks where they have a theater in their You know stadium is is that what it is? Is it over at Patriot place like no Gillette Stadium And I'm like where they play football in this it's like yeah, I Go how many people gonna be there and they were like it's sold out. I was like what? How many people is that he's like, it's sold out. I was like, what? How many people is that? And he's like, I don't know, like 50, 55,000 people.

So anyway, I go, well, wait, what do I have to do? And they go, all right, you gotta do five minutes to open the show, five minute monologue. And then we have some, they have photos of Tom with different haircuts and different celebrities. They want you to come up and make jokes about that, right? And they would just go out and like roast Tom and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that stuff.

And I was like, all right. I was like, I don't want to roast the guy. I want to thank him, you know? So I never really wanted to roast the guy. And then also, you know, as the gig was coming up, you know, he got, he got, you know, destroyed on the Netflix thing. So I'm like, that's already been done. I'm not going to do that. And then plus, I hate this whole fucking new thing that, you know, if you're going, it's like your night and

you're going to go and accept an award. There's some asshole comedian up there like ripping you a new one. It's like, wait a minute. I thought like, I took a chance, I went after a dream, and I succeeded and this is supposed to be my night and now you're up here, you know, making fun of my shirt and just being like, I don't know, like somewhere along the line. It's just like if somebody is getting a ward, you just fucking tear him a new asshole like it turned like an award show into like a roast or something. So I don't want to do that. So anyway, I land, we drive over there, and I show, you know, they had like a sound check thing. And I see the whole thing set up going, Jesus Christ,

like 50 something foot, thousand football fans are not gonna be listening to some stupid standup comedian if they're waiting for Tom Brady. So I'm not gonna lie to you, I was nervous, right? So, let me shut this window here. So, anyway, I go over there, and they've been asking me for my monologue forever, right? And you know what's funny is like,

here's the thing, you're never given the monologue because once you do, then they're gonna start going, oh, I don't know about this, I don't know about that. So we once you do then you know, they're gonna start going I don't know about this. I don't know about that. So we just kept saying, you know, we didn't have one I'm not gonna lie to you. I didn't I wrote everything yesterday, but you know been doing this a while So it's not that big a deal was only five minutes, right? So I show up and they say okay So we saw him at your model. Do you have any idea what you want to do? And I said, all right, I go, well, yeah, I'm just going to kind of talk about the history of being a my experience of being a Patriots fan. I go, I don't want to roast the guy. And then they were

like, we don't want you to roast the guy. We don't want you to host the guy. And then I'm thinking, like, well, that's, that's what I've been hearing the whole time. They're like we never said that and that is just classic Like the telephone game somewhere between them And me I got the complete Opposite information And I was thinking thank god Uh Thank god, I brought that up because what if I went out there and they're thinking I was going to do something nice and went the other way?

Anyway, and the people, they couldn't have been nicer. They treated me so great. But I was like, oh my God, imagine if I just said, alright, I'll roast the guy. And they wanted me to come out and be nice or whatever. And I came out and I just... So for you young comedians, always ask, just double check it. I was told I was supposed to do this, you know, and just make sure. So then they go, no, we don't want you to roast them. Then I was like, oh, okay, okay, thank God, thank God. All right. I didn't want to do that. So they're like, all right, cool.

And they go, what were you going to do? And I said, you know, I'm just going to talk about how crazy it is that, you know, I never thought as a Patriots fan that this is where we would, would have ended up. And basically my, my overall thing was, you know, we used to play in like that high school football stadium. We barely felt like we were in the league, you know, and when, you know, we would have these moments where we would pick the right guys and then just something would happen. Roughing the passer against the Raiders are like, you know, and our coaches just were

forever leaving. Chuck Fairbanks was like the guy in the 70s and all of a sudden he just had him fucking out of here and he leaves and then we go back down again after that great 76 team and then Raymond Berry comes along, oh, we're going to Super Bowl and we play the 85 Bears, get leaves and then we go back down again after that great 76 team and then Raymond Berry comes along oh we're going to Super Bowl then we play the 85 Bears get the shit kicked out of us then we suck again and it just sort of seemed like we were never gonna quite get our head over the water that was basically what I did and then along came a guy Bob Kraft so that's what I'm supposed to do so they

go okay you're gonna you're gonna kick off I was told through my people right that I was going on first so my guy I going on, I was told through my people, right? That I was going on first. So I'm like, all right, I'm going on first, I gotta do my five minutes in front of 50,000 frigging people, Jesus Christ. And it was daylight, the sun's still out because it's summertime, obviously. And sunlight outside, you know,

a combination of two of those, that is kryptonite for stand-up comedy, right? So anyway, before I go on, they said, oh, we have one musical performance is going to happen before you go on. And I'm like, okay, cool. I go, who's coming on? They go, oh, you know, it's a surprise guest. And I'm like, it's a surprise guest and then she whispers Jay-Z

And I literally nodded and just turned around and just walked towards the closest wall and was muttering to myself going Why do I do stuff like this? This is so stupid. I I should have just stayed home. I Can't fall this guy. This is gonna be so all of a sudden dry ice and all of a sudden, do do do do do do no. Jay-Z comes out and it just is Jay-Z. He just comes out. He's killing it so hard. There's like a moment I forget I have to go on next because I'm going like, Oh my God,

that's Jay-Z. He's like right there One of the greatest to ever do it. This is unbelievable Then I'm like fanboying out like can I meet that guy can I meet that guy you're like no he's exiting on the other side Then I'm like oh shit he exits the other side of stage and I gotta go on right so anyway he fucking kills and the crowd goes nuts because they had no idea that he was gonna be there and it was just like it was so cool because he only did one song so it was almost like and you weren't expecting to see him like the whole vibe was like holy shit

oh my god is that Jay-Z that's Jay-z holy shit and then he was just gone so the crowd was still talking to each other and then they go right so i go out there and um i i i somehow i don't know i I think, I forget what I said, but I got him early to cheer, and then I just started riffing about, you know, parking on somebody's lawn in Walpole and walking along the active train tracks while you were hammered underneath Route 1 and all. I just kind of went through the whole history of it. And I don't even remember what I said.

I just remember it went great. And I walked off stage and I was looking at club soda. I'm like, I go, I go, that went pretty good, honey. And he was like, 10 out of 10. And I was psyched. And then like, but I was like, oh, I still got to do like this, this thing with the pictures, you know? And what was funny was they thought the show might be a little bit long and they wanted

to cut the segment. And I was like, oh, oh no but I'm going on after Peyton Manning and I wanted to I wanted to tease Peyton a little bit so we kind of said that they said all right the segment's still in there right so after I did the opening bit and it went well then I was psyched for like two seconds I was like ah fuck I got to go back on again and. I was like, ah, fuck, I gotta go back on again. And then I felt like that idiot at like a casino who just won't go back to the room, it's like, dude, you won, you got your chips, just go back to the room.

You know, no one's gonna remember you on this thing. The only way they're gonna remember you on this fucking thing is if you eat your balls. You somehow just got away with it, and now you idiot, they were gonna cut the other thing, and now you gotta go on. It was like really like, It's crazy, right? So the show

Goes on for like another 90 minutes and it's just Like the who's who of patriots They live streamed it. So i'm sure you can watch it somewhere Um What was it, uh Yeah, maybe like 90 minutes, but it was just like, dude, um, Randy Moss came out and got like this, this standing ovation, like so long. He like started crying.

Edelman, Wes Welker, Danny Amandola, Rob Gronkowski, and like, and then in, in the, uh, Vince Wolfhawk Tie Law lawyer Malloy, they just they had them all Willie McGinnis Mike Turrico was like hosting thing and then they had like Then they had all the Patriots that like I grew up watching were in the crowd like Raymond Claiborne Stanley Morgan, my mind's spinning. They just, Andre Tippett, they had all of these guys in the audience, like everywhere I looked I was like, oh my god, Mike Ruth was there, just was everybody. So I'm waiting to go on, right?

And I knew I had to go on after Amandola, right? So like these frigging athletes too, by the way, are like so like low key hilarious, like underrated like they're performing because I just think because they're so good at what they do, they're always speaking at banquets and all of that stuff. They always do interviews with the press. So they're like seasoned like a comedian. They were all telling stories,

laughing, making fun of Tom or whatever good-natured stuff. Then they bring Peyton Manning out and I'll tell you amazing go Peyton Manning got an amazing ovation. Right? It's probably because he's done playing at this point. Then you always end up liking the guy because Patrick Mahomes when he did his he got booed which all that's that's really just respect Like oh man, this guy's got three fuck this guy, right? so All of that was cool and listening to these guys telling stories and talking about how hard they practiced and the way Tom was

competitive during the during the practices was incredible and and everybody was funny and it was really like engaging it was just great great stuff great videos and all of that so then Amandola goes up so basically what they did was they had all these slides of Tom with his different haircuts and then standing with different celebrities. And so I was writing the jokes and it's just like, well, I don't want to make fun of any of the celebrities in the photo because none of them are, some of most of them weren't there. And then also they weren't speaking. So the way I look at it is if you're not on the thing, you know, even if you're there, if you're not coming up, you don't get a chance to get me back.

So, or even if you did go on, if you didn't come at me, I'm not gonna go at you because I just feel like that's, I don't know, that just seems cheap, right? So I wrote all of these jokes and I don't know, that just seems cheap, right? So I wrote all of these jokes and I don't know, man. It just could not have gone, the crowd was just so excited. I went up and every joke worked. I had a great time and I'm not gonna lie to you, when I got off stage, oh, you know what?

There was one, here's a little insight thing. There was one picture of Tom with this one celebrity and they had they didn't they there was the one joke I had they were like, you know We don't know about that joke and I was going like that. It's gonna be good. I think it's gonna be good and they're like, alright This is such a baller move they didn't argue with us on it I just went up there and I had my little jokes on my cards and like that slide the one that I thought you know they were like we don't know about this and I thought I think it's all right they just took this slide out all right. They just took the slide out. So if you watch the clip, you'll see me laugh and then skip past the card. And I laugh because I immediately it was funny. Like I was sitting there. I just thought it was like I was was like, that's fucking brilliant.

That was the perfect way to handle that. You said nicely, hey, you know, maybe you shouldn't do this joke. And I'm like, no, I think it's pretty good. It's your event. It's like, we don't want to go back and forth with this guy. Just take the fucking slide out. What's he going to do? Do the joke with no slide? It was like chess. It was like the chess mate move you know which I thought was like that was like that's such the Patriot way it's like literally the perfect defense

I just had to take the sack on the joke but anyway then we ended up doing like the you know I did the rest of them and then I got to introduce the Matt Damon video which was cool for me because I'm a huge fan of that guy and I got off stage and I actually got to meet Bob Robert Kraft I couldn't believe it and my head was spinning I got I swear to God I sat down the level of relief that I had I felt like a battleship was taken off my chest. I just was like I Don't know. It's a lot of fucking people

It's a huge night and you just don't and I was thinking like when I was there I go the only way people don't remember that I was here is if is if I fuck up really bad. I Don't need this in my life. So and and like my brain was just talking to me going like Like catastrophizing I had to be like, you know The old school guys you grab somebody by their shirt, you know Grab them by the lapels I had to do that to the negative side of my brain and tell it to shut the fuck up and be like Why don't you just fucking relax?

And have a good time be like, why don't you just fucking relax and have a good time? And I was like, well, because I'm a fucking lunatic. That's why. But anyway, it ended up going, it went great. Everyone at the Patriots organization could not have been nicer. It was. It's the biggest rush in 32 years of being a stand-up comedian I've ever had going there in front of that many people. I mean, I felt like, you know,

it was all the way up to the upper deck last row. And what was so funny was Kenny filmed my set. I go, you filmed it? Holy shit. Did you film it? And he films it, right? So like they had the stage, they had this stage in like one end zone. So obviously nobody's going to sit behind the stage. So that was the only part where the seats were empty.

So, but the angle Kenny took the video on is he's shooting it and he was slightly in front of me. So I'm standing there and in the video all you see is empty seats. And he never panned to the slides. So none of the jokes that I'm saying makes cause you got to see the slide and then hear what I'm saying to make sense. So I have the video, but like I can't like post it because it doesn't, you know, it doesn't make any sense. It's like, why is Bill doing a stand up in a football stadium in front of eight people? Those like a couple of people like those security coats on and like in the video. But anyways, I think

there, there was like a live stream of it. So anyway, I just want to thank everybody, the New England Patriots for making me feel so welcomed and all of that stuff and just having me be a part of that. And I didn't even got into the part where everybody was saying all this amazing stuff. And then like the last three speakers, it was, it was Bill Belichick. He came out and he just got like, it felt like a 20 minute standing ovation. And then Robert Kraft went up and then Tom went up and did like a half hour talking about just basically that, you know, you know, my favorite part of the speech was that he said, you know, he said, when in these six, he goes, it wasn't Bill Belichick.

It wasn't me. It was us. It was all of us. Because I remember when he went to Tampa and all those idiots were trying to say some dumb shit. Like, wait a minute, was Tom the only reason why they won and all of that? So it was fun to hear him say that. It was great.

And anyway, so last night I was like, you know, after it wrapped up, I was fucking flying. I was so relieved. And then we get in the car and we basically listened to the end of game three, the Celtics against the Mavs. And I remember I saw it like we were checking the scores and I saw the Celtics were down early and I was like, yeah, I kind of felt like the Mavs were going to get this game. You know, maybe we can beat them in five, who knows. And then all of a sudden we were back, were up by five then we got up by like 21

And this is why I hate basketball and this is why I won't watch playoff basketball in front of my kids because somehow 21 becomes like a fucking three-point lead and Like I just don't want to be screaming and yelling at the fucking TV and saying that the NBA is fixed and that they've That they are deliberately doing this because they don't want to sweep because they want to make more money And all the conspiracy theory and all that stupid shit that comes flying out of your mouth And then in the end what happens is the Celtics win so I would go through all of those stupid emotions It's just like I'm I'm too fucking old to do that I love my kids too much. I don't need this. I don't need to be doing that. So I

Have all the games taped I've watched most of game one so far I'm doing this like I'm watching this fucking series like a stalker You know like I'm just sort of like I'm way off way off in the woods peeking through and I kind of like It's weird. I'm like looking at like why did I do that to myself all of these years? Why did I sit here and watch all of these games and go through this fucking emotion and just losing my mind?

Because most years you're gonna lose, you know? You're not gonna win. Like why the fuck, like why the fuck do I do this? And to myself, and it's just like, because sports are awesome and I have nothing better to do and that's that's I don't know. That's what I do. I don't know. I don't know why it's it doesn't make now that i've kind of pulled back I'm thinking like well, I really put myself through a lot of shit emotionally. I didn't need to go through

But you know why you do it Is because of that one fucking time when it happens or maybe you know, that's why that Tom Brady that whole era with Belichick was just so unbelievable and I like I just remember like when it was happening enjoying it when it was happening, being like this isn't... Because I'd been to Pittsburgh so many times and I went there before Ben Roethlisberger was there and I saw them and they were all still talking about the 70s Steelers and which I thought was cool, but then I also thought it was like wow, they kind of live in the past here but then it's like well they haven't won one since and then Ben came along,

which was such a great thing for them to, because at some point you do have to move on and get to the next thing. And so during that Patriots run, I would always think about Pittsburgh and I'm going like, we're going to be doing be doing this We're gonna be like 20 years later going talking about You know Edelman's catch You know an Eighth of an inch off the turf against in Atlanta that you know coming at that, you know coming it back against the Falcons The devastation of fucking Eli Manning. Oh man, that was the joke I had for Peyton.

I was gonna be like Peyton, I always loved you because you know what, I always related to you more than I related to Tom Brady because like you, I am also not the best quarterback in my family. Lighthearted, right? He's got the stats. They both have two rings, so what are you gonna do? Anyway, so,

I got a day off here. Before I head back, I'm gonna see some friends of mine, family, and all of that, and I don't know. Once again, I can't believe, you know, that was the other thing about it was like, I was sitting there going like the amount of times I was getting hammered, probably right here where I'm standing because this used to be a parking lot. And we had season tickets. You know, and that was another thing too, like they let me invite a bunch of my friends

and I went to the game. Like they let me invite a bunch of my friends and I went To the game. I went to the thing the game I went to the thing last night with all the guys I had season tickets with way back in fucking 88 and 89 And my buddy was going yeah, dude section 209. I was like that was the section. I was like we had 200 level seats I thought we were up in 300 um And just laughing at all those old, you know, Sullivan stadium stories. Like one of my buddies, I remember, he left with another friend of mine, just to go down and get something to eat. Uh, my other buddy unfortunately passed away, right?

And we, they went down there and they were just gone for a while. And then all of a sudden they come back, and one of my buddies is laughing his ass off. And my other buddy, his fucking, his t-shirt is ripped like up near the neck and he has a bloody lip. And he's pissed at my friend. And we were like, what the fuck happened and somehow My friend who passed away he got into it this other guy and the guy for whatever reason ended up fighting my other friend and then My buddy who fought it was like innocent like didn't do anything

They were gonna throw him out with the other guy and then somebody else came over said no no no no the other guy Started it the other guy started it and they said, okay fine And they only threw out the other guy and they let my buddy come back with his shirt ripped while still bleeding Like that's how different Like nowadays it's like we don't care who started it. You're leaving whoever's with you. You're all fucking leaving. They have it like down You know carve out, you know, this this cancer the all fucking leaving. They have it like down, you know, carve out, you know, this this cancer, the whole fucking thing. They actually, you know, it's like when you watch those old NBA highlights and they would have like a legit fight, but if it didn't get fucking crazy, like nobody,

there was just two fouls and that was it, and nobody got thrown out of the game, which now just seems insane. Talking about that, talking about how we would always forget to have food. We used to go over and we would take route 1A. We would get on that and we would take it to the end and then it would like hit the street perc-mardicular. But if you went straight, it went into this little cul-de-sac and at the end of the street was this field. And we used to park right in there. We'd pull up in a landscaping truck. We had a big keg of beer every week and we would never bring food. Like somebody, I thought you were bringing it with sweet just idiots. And then we would just get, you know, at nine in the morning on like,

you know, maybe you had like a, you know, a couple of eggs or something in your stomach and you just start pounding beers. And then you would walk along those active train tracks that the commuter rail went into Boston on under route one and then come up and go to the game and I Remember one week we finally remembered to bring them to bring food and we had this little like hibachi and then we didn't We didn't have anything to flip the burgers with We didn't have anything to flip the burgers with.

So Frenchy had like a fucking, he had a screwdriver and I was joking, I go, it's not even a regular screwdriver so you can't get the spatula action. So he was like stabbing the patties. And I remember the fire went out. This other knucklehead friend of mine hammered, put lighter fluid back on over the patties. And I remember eating those fucking things, tasting that poison, but I was so fucking hungry and so drunk I needed some.

Remember that? You thought it would like absorb the alcohol? Worst fucking hangover I've ever had. And I used to come home still fucking drunk. And, uh, you know, that was like, like this, you can't even believe this. Like the Patriots were selling so few tickets that year that the local game would be blacked out. They wouldn't even show the fucking game.

If you can believe that, they didn't sell enough tickets. So you'd get a different game. So that was the worst because I'd be coming home drunk and my dad used to try to gauge how drunk I was because it was like a quarterback controversy. Like did Tony Easton or Doug Flutie get in in I don't think Steve Grogan was around in 89 I think he'd already retired but it was like it was like fucking three different quarterbacks it felt like and I couldn't remember the game and he would just be

looking at me you know you know your parents just look at you they don't have to say anything it's just like you are an absolute disappointment. And you just kind of hang your head like, and then like an idiot, you know, as a young drunk you don't know the biggest thing in the world is shut the fuck up. It's like when you get pulled over by the cops, just shut up. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Just shut the fuck up. But as a young kid you just don't know any better and your ego is going like I'll just talk to him and fool him that I'm not drunk. It's

like every word that's coming out of your mouth he's smelling what the hell you dragged the last six fucking hours. Yeah and that whole that whole fiasco 88 and 89. I didn't have seasons in 88, my other buddies did, I got them with them in 89, but I went to a bunch of games in 88 too. And I just remember the 1989 ended with a drinking and driving conviction, that's what I remembered.

And that was sort of like, that was like, right as the 80s ended that it ended my You know being an idiot like I was 21 years old I was still a freshman in college, you know, cuz You know, I just didn't have any I Didn't have any direction and didn't have any money. So I had to work. I was working my way through college It was just like I just felt like the biggest fucking loser and then when I was sitting there with cuffs on You know and right around then I knew I wanted to start I wanted to be a comedian or whatever But I was also like I have to get through college

Not even because I wanted to was like important to my parents. You got to get an education. So I I that was that was yeah, it took me getting arrested and oh my god that was the worst I remember I was in the cell my dad and brother picked me up and they were cool and then like I go home and like four in the morning 435 I don't know what it was and I pass out my dad wakes me up at like four in the morning 435 I don't know what it was and I pass out My dad wakes me up at like 7 in the morning. I think you should go downstairs and tell your mother what happened So Jesus fucking Christ, can I sleep this off and I went downstairs at the look of my mother's face? Oh, I still

The most disappointed she I think she ever was in me. She didn't even say anything. It was just like her face just looked at me like, it was like she was blaming herself, like where did I go wrong? And I was like, all right, I'm never going to make her have that look on her face again, I hope. Anyway, so Yeah, and here it is all these years later I end up going to that same fucking parking lot and I Got to do what I did last night. I still cannot believe that that happened

I once again thank you to everybody Tom Brady's speech in the end was fucking insane. It was like an inspirational speech While thanking everybody. You know, he's getting all choked up and stuff. It was perfect, perfect evening. And then to go out and see the Celtics, oh my God, up three games to none, on the verge of winning another one, which would be fantastic because, you know, just to get us one more ahead of the Lakers with their fucking padded resume, you know. I hate listening to Los Angeles Lakers fans say, we have 17. It's like, you don't.

You don't. Okay? You just don't. The first five were won in Minnesota. Like, if the Lakers moved to Las Vegas right and then they won the next one like Laker fans what would you be doing if you heard people in Las Vegas going we got 18 you'd be like get the fuck out of here they won 13 in in LA you wouldn't say that you'd say 17 because you don't know your fucking history. Anyway, that's the podcast.

I mean, I don't know how to explain this in your world. If you guys like, whatever, whatever the fuck you had to get certified in, pass the bar or something like that. Like I would never put it at that level. I got a couple of friends of mine that became lawyers and watching them how hard and how long they had to study All right, maybe getting your instrument rating in aviation. That's what I feel like. Oh god, that's gonna haunt me

I gotta I gotta do that at some point someday. I'll let the time when my kids are a little older. All right, that's it Have a great weekend your cunts and I will talk to you on Monday. Death's door, even off respirators, killing my best ball haters On permanent high haters as I skate in the Maybach Benz Fly this in I-Lay-Fit Pumping brown sugar by the Angelo in Los Angeles Like an evangelist I can introduce you to your maker, bring you closer to nature Ashes after they cremate you bastards Hope you been reading your Psalms and chapters

Paying your tithe being good Catholics I'm coming Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday June 13th, 2016 What's going on? How the fuck are you? I'm hanging out here Sunday night There's 30.2 seconds left in game six and

a barring an absolute miracle out there on the ice worthy of a Lake Placid sequel. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the fucking Pittsburgh Penguins are gonna win their fifth cup. Is this the fifth one? That's, you realize how successful that is? They've only been around since 67. The Bruins been around forever. We only got six. You motherfuckers, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Penguins, man.

This fucking great and really happy for Phil Kessel. This is actually a good one for me as a Bruins fan because Joe Thornton was another former Bruinsins, so either way I was gonna say, and I like both those fucking players. I mean, because of the Phil Kessel trade to Toronto, we won a cup. Granted, we then traded everybody the fuck away, but we did win a cup,

so I can say some shit to fucking Montreal fans, finally. 20 seconds to go, 19, I'll tell you, this is the toughest trophy to win in the fucking go-jamp for professional sports. This gotta be one of the most, what the fuck was that icing? The goalie played it. Ah, Jesus Christ, what is this, the fucking NBA?

By the way, I guess I understand now why it's not as physical in the NBA. I actually looked up some of the way, I kind of I guess I understand now why it's not as physical in the NBA. I actually looked up some of the rules, the obviously the three second rule and isn't even as like an offensive player. Are you allowed to be? I don't know. No, one of these guys can go down the fucking lane. A defensive player can't be in the fucking painted area for longer than three seconds

or it's an illegal defense. He is allowed to stand there if he's within arms length of the guy that he's guarding. So all the guys gotta do is just fucking run out to the three point land and they just clear it, clear the path, right? And here comes the honor roll student right down the fucking lane. Like, there's his quickness, yeah, he has his first step. Yeah, and the fact that there's now a fucking rule that says you can't have some giant fucking guy Standing there. Oh look at him going crazy

Wow another one in the books You know something I'm not claustrophobic but One of the worst things you want to be after winning a championship is that person on the bottom of the fucking pile? One of the worst things you want to be after winning a championship is that person on the bottom of the fucking pile. You know, you literally go from like celebrating that you won to not even being able to breathe. You're like, yeah, and you get tackled. You just like, oh, oh, oh, get up. Get up. Get up.

You start doing that shit. You know that there's been times people who scored big fucking touchdowns and they get tackled by their teammates, they get like their fucking leg broken. It's unbelievable. Anyways, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Penguins and Pittsburgh. Great great fucking hockey town. I know we've had our rivalry in that thing, but I've just been there too many times. I got too many friends there and congratulations to Joe Barton. He's got to be going fucking crazy right now

If I didn't have shit to do tomorrow would have gone over his place and watch the game San Jose shark still man, you know You never made it to the final So you got over the hump and now you're gonna have that bitter taste in your mouth And hopefully you'll come back and win one unless my fucking Bruins get their shit together And then we fucking finally win one. So anyways let's get on with the podcast here. I had a yeah had my birthday weekend wonderful birthday weekend old Billy Boo's bag was fucking throwing him down

old Billy Boo's bag was acting a clown right and fucking Joey roses was over right came over on my birthday to my house When I say Joey you say roses He came over Fucking guy was hilarious. He came over with like a bottle of gin Something some a fucking lemon and then he had those those fucking red cherries that might or might not cause cancer and then he had those fucking red cherries that might or might not cause cancer. Dude, Phil Kessel looks like he fucking, he like works with wood, doesn't he?

Like some weird guy that never married, but he could fucking, you know, make a Davenport out of a fucking tree stump. You can't hate Phil Kessel though. How's your breath? Pretty bad, eh? Oh, and the wonderful tradition of the NHL, the shaking of the hands, the show of mutual respect.

That thing, I don't know. Anyways, yeah, so I fucking went, I went way too hard on my birthday, you know, because I didn't think any, you know, I didn't really do anything. I worked all fucking day and then I came home. I had a Coors Light and I was just like, you know what, it's my birthday. I'll fucking have a scotch, right? Put out my big giant fucking cube of ice.

I threw down two scotches and next thing you know, fucking roses was coming over. And I already had three in the fucking, three in the wind column. So, um, I don't really remember most, probably the third last third of the fucking night. And uh, I don't know. All I know is I got a bunch of dirty looks for my wife the next day. So, uh, last night I went out again and I only had like a couple of beers and uh, and then that's it. That's it.

I'm shutting it down again. That's how I stay in control. The thing about your liver is you don't want to spoil it. I've slapped it around enough so now I give it a break. And then just when it starts to think, hey, you know what? Everything is beautiful. I give it the old fucking right there, Fred. That's what I do. I had a, it was actually a great weekend.

I didn't do any standup either. I got to get my fucking shit together. So I'm going to be doing a couple shows this week around LA because I got, I got Newark, Atlantic City, and Baltimore coming up this weekend. So I got to make sure the act is ready to go nice and fucking tight there. And, but this weekend, you you know obviously celebrated my birthday Friday night and let's see what did I do say I went to somebody else's fucking birthday party so and that one that was the one that I actually didn't really drink at

but I still felt horrible because at one point I had a tequila and After that I had birthday cake and then I smoked a cigar and then my body was just like alright Can we can we fucking pick a road here? Which which which way is the abuse going tonight, you know? But I was so hungover Saturday. I couldn't even fucking walk the 10 feet to my gym and I was that's when I know I was Like alright, dude Yeah, you dude, what are you doing? So I shut it down. It's over.

Put a padlock on it. I don't know how long I'm gonna go. I don't know, you know what it is? This is actually, once the fucking playoffs are over, it's kind of easy, but I'm also gonna be starting Peaky Blinders, so that might be hard the way those fucking guys drink. I don't understand how you watch a show where everybody's boozing and you don't fucking drink. Any alcoholics out there like how the fuck

do you watch that stuff and just be like well everybody else is drinking I feel like I'm being rude right now. I'm thinking maybe I'm gonna shut it down till I go to Europe but even then I can't really drink because I've got a show every fucking night. But I did set myself up in a hotel on one of those dates that there's actually a cigar bar right around the corner, so I might have my one for July. I don't know. I feel like I'm just fucking babbling. This is just me just trying to keep my bad habits at bay.

This is the deal. Either I'm not drinking at all, or I'm smoking too many cigars, or I cut down the cigars and I drink like a fucking lunatic. You know what I mean? Like I've said before, I literally think the reason why people have kids is so they won't fucking drink themselves to death. Because once you fucking get yourself going in your career and you got some free time, why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you walk over? What are you going to fucking do? Huh? After that fucking horrible tragedy down there in Orlando, which I will never fucking understand lunatic religious people. I just never understand how you get so fucked up in your head that you feel like that's your last

Act on earth. Okay, that's the last thing you're gonna do and you think that you're gonna go somewhere good that there's somebody after this If there is somebody after this that judged you that he's gonna be sitting there going like alright way to go There you go. That was the right thing to do. Make millions of people sad. It's just the fucking worst thing ever. And I'm actually going to take a break here from TV, probably for other than sports. It's a great thing about sports is you can get away

from that stuff, because I can't handle when something like this happens how quickly, oh God, is he getting booed? Is he getting booed? You know it. How about congratulating the old- Let's pull past it. Every fucking year, this is the funniest shit ever in hockey. Every fucking year. The commissioner of the league comes out

and he just gets fucking, I don't know why he's still getting booed. Let's see this here. Hang on a second. Steve Summers wrote those words and now it's engraved on the side of the Stanley Cup. I rubbed my balls on it right before it. One of the greatest trophies in all of sport. Look at Mario Lemieux looking sharp, huh?

He's got his Anchorman sport coat on. Tom Bergani. Who the fuck's his name? Oh, here he comes. There's no doubting the passion of hockey fans. This is as loud a building as I've ever heard. This is one of the loudest buildings I've ever heard. They're booing him. The penguins in the trucks on the great Stanley Cup final. So anyways, back to the tragedy. Sorry. Um, I can't handle whenever something like that fucking happens. And then you got to sit there and listen to all of these fucking people trying to

shoehorn their agendas and their, their, uh, you know, their fucking theories. And then somehow it always becomes Democrat, liberal, fucking conservative Republican, Muslim Christian, fucking gun control NRA and all that shit and you know, it's fucking, it's so stupid. You know what's funny, if you look at the daily news in New York City, right, they're anti-gun, which you know, if that's what you want to be, that's what you want to be.

But if you're anti-gun and you really want, you know, that to work, wouldn't you, uh, you need, what you need to do is persuade the other side to come over. Their headline is, Thanks a Lot NRA, or some stupid shit like that.

All that does is just get people's fucking backup. All I'm saying is just get people's fucking back up. All I'm saying is it's just going to be a bunch of people screaming and yelling, right? There's going to be a couple of actors and actresses that are going to say something stupid, right? I don't know what, but you know, we're always good to do something like that. People in the fucking, people who forget that they're a dancing monkey and think that they could solve the country's problems. For the fucking life of me. I mean, I know I fucking talk about this shit, but I never try to offer solutions. You know?

Who am I? I tell dick and shit jokes and fucking strip malls. But I gotta tell you though, I just wish people out of respect for the amount of fucking paint that was just inflicted, I can't even imagine with that number, 50 people, how many people right now are just never gonna be the same. You would think that people could go 24 fucking hours without making it about their cause and screaming and yelling,

as much as they're trying to fucking help, can you just, how about just, you know, can you go 20 fucking minutes before we got to listen to people saying that's Obama's fault and fucking this and that and everything. You know what? I don't know whose fault, it's nobody's fault. You know what I just do?

Unfortunately, we're fucking, we're animals. That's what it is. Most of us are decent enough not to do that, but it's just, what are you gonna do? It's just fucking horrible. Why would I talk about this shit? You know why? Because it's, because, why, how do you not? How do you not? Anyways, so, Sidney Crosby got the MVP. Got that little shiny house with the fucking, I don't know, disco hat on top of it.

All right, when's he giving it to Phil Kessel? When's he giving it to Phil Kessel? Who's he handed off to first? Who's he handed off to first? One of the great traditions of all sports, I tell you, it weighs fucking 9,000 pounds until you put it over your head. Then it feels like a baby. You're

worried about dropping. You ever hear all the stories about the Stanley Cup? All the fucking- I can't believe they drink out of that thing every year. The amount of fucking stripper ass that has been sitting in that thing. People pissing in it and all kinds of shit. At least it ends up at the bottom of a pool a couple times. You get some chlorine. And now I'm exposing myself to the fact I don't know who anybody is on the fucking penguins. All right, he handled it. He just handed the cup to not Phil Kessel. Not Phil Kessel. Not Phil Kessel. Holding it up. Holding it up. Turning, spinning. What number is he? Number six. Not Phil Kessel

Jesus Christ, he should have fucking skated around a little more daily Dude I would fucking take off with that thing. I swear to God if I ever got to do that thing Be like when what's-his-face? It's one of his fucking shots at the end of his practice. Speaking of which, Jesus Christ, I was hoping for at least, at least a fucking six game series with the Cavaliers. I guess that's not going to happen, right? Um, anyways, let's plow ahead here with the podcast. I'll stop watching. I got to keep this on until at least I get to watch Phil Kessel hoist a fucking cup here,

huh? The woodworker here. Um, you know what I watched this sports this morning? Is I watched the Formula One race, the one up in Montreal. Kind of getting into that sport, you know? Because I never know what to do once hockey and basketball ends. You know, what am I going to do, read? God knows I'm not going to fucking do that, right?

I'm just filibustering. Hey, can you just fucking give the thing to Phil Kessel already? For fuck's sakes. I don't know if he's been waiting that long, come on. You gotta give it to Phil, he's fucking adorable. Hey, here we go, Phil Kessel, Phil Kessel. Nope. So I Some assistant captain. Oh, Jesus, that's

Malkin. I didn't recognize him with a hat on. He's not one of those guys whose fucking mustache and beard doesn't connect. You know? Jesus, he's got a terrible patchy fucking, I don't know what, know what he's got going on there that's really the thing people can either you know I you know it's the worst is the fucking neck beard you know those people it fucking it starts off all right by the ear and then it just fucking goes it does a nose dive he has like the chin strap goes right up and under and they got like five hairs in their upper lip and he's just like what are you doing you? You know, the Tang has it now.

All right, this has to be excruciatingly boring. I'm gonna get pause here until Phil Kessel gets it. And of course they cut it off before he fucking hoist the thing, because they had to cut immediately to, hey, get your championship t-shirts and fucking hats. All right, I'll find a fucking clip of it. All right, with that I'm gonna shut the TV off so I can actually focus here.

Yeah, so shutting down the booze. If I can shut down the booze, hit my little fucking gym out there, you know what I mean? Get myself a fucking man's sports bra and fucking get after it, you know? Not smoke cigars. I'll be the most in shape and bored I've ever fucking been. I got to correct a couple of things from the last podcast I did on Thursday. John Sally is not dead. I meant to say Anthony Mason.

I don't know. I was half a fucking sleeper, right? And so I want to thank all you cunts on Twitter too, that like, you couldn't just write to me, hey Bill, John Sally isn't dead. You had to put at John Sally so he could have potentially saw it. Why the fuck would you do that to you?

You know why? Because you're fucking bored. That's why. We're hoping some fucking Twitter dust up would happen, I guess. I just don't understand. This whole fucking generation of Yolo douches, they're all about filming people, getting them in trouble, hashtagging shit, adding people on stuff, just trying to constantly

cause these fucking fights. It's unbelievable. Can't you just go outside and pick up a stick and pick cowboys and Indians like we used to? You're walking around with your fucking iPad and your GoPro. Oh shit, I got a GoPro for my birthday. I'm such a hypocrite. I wanted to get one of those things and I'm toying with the idea of doing that show. The

how long can he go, which is basically me pulling out of the driveway of my house and then you see how long I can go without snapping on people But I just don't want to make myself look like a fucking lunatic You know because I feel like I've built up a great reputation for being even keeled on this podcast Alright, let's do let's do a little fucking Advertising reads here for the week Where the hell are we all right right here. Okay. Hang on. What's up, Nia? What are we doing? I wanna be a taco man. You making tacos?

What are you making? Tacos. Tacos? But I mean, is it gonna be anything special? Excuse me? What do you mean anything special? Come over here before you start yelling at me. I mean like when you're making the tacos tonight, are you going to add a little little nini in there or are you just going to fucking do it by the box? I'm doing it by the box because yeah, I mean it's just tacos. What do you, what would be different? I don't know.

You always look in the fridge and you go, oh, you know what? I'll look at that. I didn't know we had bacon. I'll throw that in there. No. Well, you know what? I there is a little something different I take that back. I did throw something in there that uh Might be a little unexpected When we return What do you mean? When am I done don't fucking talk to me like this? In the none of your goddamn business What do you mean when am I done? Don't fucking talk to me like that. How far in are you on this thing?

None of your goddamn business. Twenty-three minutes? Ah, Jesus, Bill. So this is going to go on for another hour? Well, yeah. That's what I do. What are you talking about right now? I'm talking about stamps.com. Oh. Have you talked about Zip? No, I haven't.

They're not on today. Oh, they're not. All right. No, they're not. I got to finish this. All right. All right. Well, time it out. Why are you going to like, like when you make them?

Remember how Fred Flintstone used to come home? Well, mom, coming through the door. And she had to have the Bronto burger ready. It's ready right now. What? What are you looking for? What? What are you doing? It's my John Dacre.

What? You know what kills me? Somebody sent me a tweet and said that on the Opie and Anthony show in 2005, 11 years ago, they showed me that. Somebody sent me that too. And they asked if you remembered. I have absolutely no recollection of that.

How would I forget that? Because it was 2005. It was a long time ago. I know, but this is like... I still remember... We're late. We're late. Charlie bit my finger. We're not late! I feel late. All these fucking assholes are like,

You just seen it now? It's like, yeah, I haven't had time to see everything on the internet, you fucking asshole. That's so stupid. I... I've seen it now! It's like, yeah, I haven't had time to see everything on the internet, you fucking asshole. That's so stupid. I, I, I don't know, the more I'm on this, I like just talking into the abyss. I gotta stop fucking reading Twitter. I fucking hate people. You're addicted to Twitter.

You are truly addicted to Twitter. No, just my phone. I'm not doing that either. I was looking today, I was looking up all Formula One drivers. I watched two Formula One races in a row. Now I need to know everything about this sport. You're so Rain Man like that though. You like, that's what you like to do.

Gotta know everything, gotta find out everything. Yeah, and I get it all in there and then I forget it. And then I move on to something else and that's probably why I fucking forgot that video. Yeah, probably. Do you know there's a Red Bull team in Formula One and I'm just sitting, I don't... I did know that because I've just seen people wearing their jackets and jumpsuits and it's on the side of cars How did you not see it if I know this?

Well, I was thinking well there was the Mercedes team and then there was the Ferrari team and then there was like Red Bull I'm like they're a fucking drink. So I was like well who made their engine? Who made the car and then they said it was They said it was tag Hoyer. Renault. It's like tag or is a fucking watch Well when I type in who makes you fucking engines, I don't want to hear about the watch people Maybe you should leave out the fucking part All right touche I didn't know that that's how you get into tag Hoyer But no Red Bull is a huge brand,

so of course I sponsor stuff like this. No, but they were saying the Ferrari, the Mercedes, and then they would never say what kind of fucking, they never said the Renault. That's a French company making the fucking engine, and I think it's a British team, and then they're talking about a fucking energy drink, where the other guys got to be like Mercedes, Ferrari,

and you got to be like, yeah man, of course, those guys are like, they've been doing it forever. And all of a sudden Red Bull shows up, the Yolo douche is a fucking Formula One, and they don't even tell me who makes their engine. I mean, that used to be like a big fucking thing back in the day. The reason why you won it was you were proving you're the best car company. And then everybody's like, well shit,

Ferrari won the last five, I'm going to buy a Ferrari. Not everybody, people could afford it. So I'm still confused, what's your problem with Red Bull? I didn't like how, I want to know who's making that engine that's winning the fucking race. I don't give a fuck about the drink. Okay, so you haven't been able to figure out who makes the engine in this one particular race car?

No, I had to look it up This fucking young punk kid was not letting the guy who won the first three or four get past him to get into fourth place And the guy got impatient and I knew he was gonna cuz that's what I would have done and I knew he was a little bit older I'm like Oh, he doesn't have time for this kid and he fucking tried to go around the right and then he locked up to breaks and he spun out and he fucked himself out of like two spots on the last lap and everybody in the crowd went, Oh, it's exciting. So at the end of the day, you got the information that you wanted.

It was just the fact that Red Bull was in there that you are annoyed by. It's really hard to follow you sometimes. Okay. Mercedes is a maker of cars. you are annoyed by. It's really hard to follow you sometimes. Okay. Mercedes is a maker of cars. So when I know it's the Mercedes team, I know that the engineers, the mechanics, whatever the fuck you call them, that that's their car. Okay. When they talk about the Ferrari team, I know that that's their car. I know who built the fucking thing. When you say Red Bull,

who built the Red Bull car, it's harder to figure out. Hey, you want to hear something? Oh my God. What the fuck? What the fuck? I already forgot. Are you on to another topic already? No, because that just reminded me of a drink. What my dad called Grey Goose one time.

He goes, hey Bill, he goes, are you still drinking that blue swan? You know what? It just occurred to me. That's where you get it from. That's where you get all that stuff, the last days of Dracula, two whores in a pool, you know, where'd the bitch go? You get that from him. You guys have a vague idea of what it is at your time.

No, but when I'm doing the movie thing. So you're just, like, throwing out, like, signifiers. Like, you know that there's a girl, and she's being slutty, and there's a pool. So yeah, two horses in a pool, and it's a vampire, and they're doing some sort of an interview. So it's, yeah, the last days of Dracula. Like, it's just... Well, I know. I'm doing more like the $10,000 pyramid. Like I'm throwing out clues for the listener and then they just go,

Oh, do you mean that? I go, yeah, I mean that because if I don't do that, I'm going to sit there going, uh, uh, and I'm not going to remember. And then they're going to be tortured. So it becomes like a little game. You know what I mean? I wonder how you would do on that pyramid show. Cause you know, they're bringing it back.

I would do horrible on that show If I was giving you those clues ever Right wouldn't you all right? You know what let's play right now. I'm gonna get a fucking word Okay, and we're gonna we're gonna play right now All right, we'll do the couple of these Get out of you. You gotta get a microphone. Go get a microphone.

Let me finish reading this fucking advertising here. Jesus Christ, I started this like 20 minutes ago. Hey guys, remember way back in the day when I was talking about stamps.com? Oh, I just realized you guys need to know what the fucking words are so you can play at home. Alright, the word's gonna be...

Okay, it's gonna be Paris. Something else in Twat. I gotta have something filthy in there. Twat's gonna be the last one. All right, Paris. Kardashians. And what else? God, what the fuck else? This is why I would suck at it. I certainly couldn't create the fucking show. Paris, Kardashian, Twat. I need something before Twat. Pitbulls. She'll get that one. I gotta give her an easy one.

Alright. Let's get back to Stamps.com everybody. Alright, thank God that's over. So I'm not- I am not- That's not one of my strong suits. Um... Alright. How many minutes are we up to here? 32. 32! What's she gonna do? She's still not back with the fucking microphone.

Nia, it's in the closet! Good gravy. All right, we got letters this week. We got somebody from Poland. Oh, some fucking musician's gonna tell me there's no guitar on Chameleon. Of course, somebody's just gonna, oh, actually that's not a guitar it's a fucking xylophone. Alright whatever. How'd your band do? How's your band? Alright and she's back. Oh you know

I'm just gonna hit pause so we can stop torturing people here. I love the pause button though. Okay and then we're back everybody all right once again. It's time to play The fucking ten thousand dollar pyramid all right Nia you're up first. Will you be giving or receiving? I will be receiving You'd be given a taken yeah Fucking something like that. You mean given the password or taking the fucking clues? All right, go into your head if you had to give a take all right, okay ready ready are we on the clock here? I guess Add the tension

Can we get a fucking clock timer here? I'm gonna get one of these on YouTube right now No, we don't need to do that. All right, here we go. Use the stopwatch thing on the computer Ah the people at home the fans at home gonna't need to do that. All right, here we go. Just use the stopwatch thing on the computer. No, the people at home, the fans at home gotta hear our fucking clock going. All right. Okay, we're back. And there's only 33 seconds on this clock. So there's four things you gotta get.

Okay. Is there a topic or I'm just just random? No, there's nothing. This is just random shit that came out of my head. You got 33 seconds. Let's see how many you can get. Okay. All right, you ready ready and Here we go Okay, this is a city it's a one of the great cities in the world

And people love it and they talk down to you. They fucking hate you. Oh you smell get out of my country You stupid American what you're a stupid American. I'm better than you. You, you smell. Get out of my country, you stupid American. What? You're a stupid American. I'm better than you. London? You like my beret? Paris. Yeah. Oh my God. Stick it in my twad.

I'm going to marry a rapper. Hey, my dad doesn't, he has his dick, but he's a woman now. Kim Kardashian? Kris Jenner? Hey, we got, I wonder what they're doing. Keeping up with the Kardashians. Yes. Uh.

Uh. You got two. You got two. You want to keep playing? Your clues are horrific. Shut up. Hey, stick this up my twat. I have my dancing girl now.

What? But he still has his dick. It's true. It's all true. Everything I said. You just stick this up my twat and that was supposed to be a clue. I was thinking she did a porno. Alright. Let's do, let's, we got two more.

Alright, here we go. You ready? So you got past the first one. This is fun. Alright, here we go. You ready? Okay. And here we'll be taking a receiving. Giving a receiving? What the fuck is that? Receiving. Okay, here we go. It's like you saying that. All right, here we go.

Starting in three, two, one. All right, we're misunderstood. I didn't bite that mailman. He looked at me first. Pimple? Yes. All right, this is something that you say and people get mad and it can smell sometimes, but if it's a fresh one it's great and you're fucking stick it, you stick it. Right?

What? It's between your legs. It's between your legs. Pagina? Keep going. Pussy? Yes, worst name, worst name. Cunt? No, not as bad. Pugina? Keep going. Pussy? Yes, worst name, worst name. Cunt?

No, not as bad. Yes! Woo! You did it. You did it. Oh my God. Oh, that was great. You will never, ever be asked to be on the rebooted pyramid show.

That will never happen. That has got to be... Come on. Come on. That has got to be like, I swear. That's a real show. You're going to take work away from me. Oh, come on. I will never be on a charades team with you. Oh, come on.

I will never. I got to come up with some and do you. Why don't you do it? Why don't you fucking come up with some and then I'll do it. How about that? All right. Did you just say that? Yes, Bill. All right. Why don't you?

Way to come up. No, I got it. We'll do it on Thursday. OK, we'll do it on Thursday. All right. You come up with you got we got the quick little timer there. I know. Stick it up my twat. Actually, I probably disqualified the last one because I used the word twat when I was trying to get the Kardashians, right? Hey, I'll marry a rap. Hey, look what we're doing

over here. Keeping up with the Kardashians. It worked though. It did work. What do you want from me? All right. Coming off a bender here. Hey, it's a rough one, you know? All right. Did you talk about your birthday? Yes, I did.

I had a great time. It was a whole birthday weekend. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. I had my own little sad alcoholic one, the night of mine, where you were stone sober and you watched me and Joe DeRosa just fucking, we were having fun. You were having fun. That's true.

But eventually I had to leave. Yeah. Well, you went partying. So you know, what are you going to do? Um, and then, you know, last night was phenomenal also. And then I went down to the improv. Ben Bailey was in town. The great Ben Bailey. Yeah. Yeah. we hung out. We had a couple drinks, just fucking laughing, telling stories and DeRosa was down. Yeah, it was a great time, you know? And I got to go to work tomorrow. So let me read these things and... I'm going to go. This was fun. I'm going to go have a taco. All right.

I'll see you in a little bit. Okay. Thank you for playing. We have a wonderful edition of our home game for you. I think you got it. I think you actually got the two right in the end. All right, here's somebody else I'm late to the party with on YouTube, but I'm sure I'm not the only one, right? Isn't that a song? I'm not the only one with mixed emotions

You guys seen this kid that just it's it's fucking hilarious, I feel bad cuz he's got some sort of issue, but like he just He just fucking goes around and he tells people this Charlie is it Zelenov He just fucking goes into gyms and tells people that he's the greatest and he goes, let's spar and they have no fucking clue. You know, he just goes in and he fights an accountant and the accountant just kind of puts his gloves on and this kid swings for the fences and fucking knocks out an accountant and turns around and you can see that one punch knocked out an accountant. And he's like, that guy was a Marine.

He talked all the shit. He actually started calling up professional fighters and I was surprised that some of them actually took time out of their day to fight the guy. And I mean, it's some of the most compelling shit I've ever seen. Now granted, they have like 74,000 hits, 219,000 hits, 105,000 hits. So once again, I'm sure you're just finding out about it now. Yes. Yes, I am Have you watched the youtube video that it just shows how the fucking differential works? How the fuck did you miss that? Oh, that's right because you don't have time to watch all of it. All right So if you get a chance watch this kid, uh charlie zelenoff

um Oh my god, he's got the flip phone and he just calls this guy, he keeps calling this guy a fucking clown. I don't know a lot about people's names and shit, but I will say this about the kid. He's got the fucking balls to go in there, man. I wouldn't do that. Anybody can call up a professional boxer and talk shit, but to actually show up for the fucking match,

I don't know, he fought like, he fought Floyd Mayweather Sr. And then he was losing, so he stepped out of the, stepped out of the fucking ring, and then stepped back in and tried to sucker punch the guy, and then somebody jumped in, like, bare-knuckle, beat him down, it's just it's insane Anyways, you got it. You got to watch it Charlie Zelenoff I'll spell it. I'll spell it for you

Z E L E N O F F. I hope he doesn't get hurt and I hope he doesn't hurt anybody and But he's he talks shit like who's that fucking will Forte character Cal whom what the fuck was his first name? Wait, Will Forte... Calhoun, Tim Calhoun. Tim Calhoun, I, Tim Calhoun, think that we should sell the Statue of Liberty. He talks shit like that.

He's on the phone going, you're a fucking clown. I'm gonna come down there, I'm the greatest of all time. You've been ducking me for years. You're a fucking clown. And he never raises it up. It's like, it's some of the best shit talking I've heard just as far as like a unique style. So I got to give it up for that, but it's definitely some of the more bizarre shit that you're gonna watch. Which of course set me down a rabbit hole of watching people fight. And I saw the bus driver that throws the uppercut at that girl Who's fucking screaming at him?

And I know you're not supposed to hit a woman but in defense of him he led with an uppercut and I watched what happened When buster douglas did that so in a way I thought that that was a generally move Before he grabbed her by her hair and threw her off the bus I know The things that I find entertaining. I know i'm out of my mind. All right, Poland everybody I got I got a I got a letter from Poland Hey, you freckled face fucker. Why won't you come to Poland? It's beautiful and we have great alcohol I

Would love to go there You know, what the fuck I live on cause I live on the other side of the world and you're the first guy that's asked me to go there. Maybe I've had like, maybe three emails. I'll go there. I'll stand there in front of five of you. Charles Brunson looking motherfuckers. I'll stand over there in front of you.

You know, I don't give a shit. I heard you got nice beaches up north and there's a nice town down south. I don't know about Warsaw. I don't know what's going on there. You guys still have horses in your army. Have you fucking updated your shit? You know you'd still live next to Germany You know you got to watch out for those cunts. I Was that was a cheap shot all right? It's beautiful. We have alcohol all right just a question When will you come to the fucking Saudi or to the fucking Saudi Arabia or Dubai or Kuwait?

I don't know when they like us. I'm not going over there and getting kidnapped and getting my head sawed off on fucking YouTube. Hey, it's Bill Burr just checking in on you and they fucking, you know, you'd have to, you'd have to say something. Nah, you couldn't because then you'd worry that they do something even worse to you. I wait till right as they got through the jugular.

Oh man, I would, yeah, do a quick little Philly set on, just say everything that would piss them off, which I would say. Would I? No, I mean, you know what, I'd be rocking and crying. I'd be a bitch. How the fuck do you just sit there waiting for them to saw your fucking head off? Like I know that doesn't happen in Saudi Arabia, but you know, if you steal something in Saudi Arabia, they chop your fucking arm off.

You know, I don't need that pressure. You know, I don't fucking need that. Somebody just could just throw something stolen in your bag because they stole it, next thing you know, I'm going to chop chop square. All right? Granted, I don't know shit about any of these countries. All I know is that we've thrown enough rocks at the beehive over there. I don't feel like going over there and getting stung.

It's it, right? Dubai? Yeah, I'd love to go to Dubai where they got slave labor that built the whole fucking thing and they confiscated their passports and the number one cause of death with them is suicide. I can't go there and support that shit. That whole fucking city looks like the Kardashians designed it. It's beyond fucking cheesy. We got the tallest fucking building in the world, do you?

Kuwait, I got no problem with that. Saudi Arabia scares me. Dubai. When you start paying the people that build the skyscrapers, I'll go there. And Kuwait, you know, I don't know. I mean, you guys should kind of like us, right? We helped you out in the early nineties. Well, didn't we?

I don't know. I have no idea. That part of the world scares me. I've connected in Dubai when I was coming back from Mumbai, India, but I just hear all these horrible stories that they promise all these people in Asia that you're going to come over there. There's all these jobs. You're going to make all this money that you're gonna come over there there's all these jobs you're gonna make all this money and then they come over and they confiscate their passports and they

don't let them fucking leave and they see no way out and they kill themselves I don't know if that's true I don't know if it was that or if that was at Walmart I forget all right hey Billy funk face there's no guitar on that Herbie Hancock album the bass player The bass is played by herbie on a synth and Paul Jackson the bassist Plays the guitar line on the higher register of the bass. I never fucking knew that Love the podcast and stand up. Let's jam soon see that I made fun of you. And then what did you do? You taught me something

All right X-Men and sexism. A, B is for Bill. I haven't seen the billboard Rose McGowan is upset about, and I agree with your assessment on the situation, but I think you mischaracterized the effective displays of male dominance over women. I mischaracterized it? Is that a word? It's not that someone sees a picture of a man choking out a woman and thinks it's okay and then goes and does it himself

Rather it's like a piece of a puzzle. It's just one of these fucking agenda people again. A guy sees a picture of a man choking out a woman, then he sees a picture of a man yelling at a woman Then he sees a picture of a woman being backhanded by a man, you get the point. You see how they do this? You see how he just led me across the fucking river to his side like I'm that fucking stupid? No, I don't get your point. This is what I understand. A kid fucking sees his parents, okay, if the dad beats the shit out of his mom his entire fucking childhood, I understand that he'll either not do it or totally fucking do it. I understand that. But this whole

fucking thing that you see images and then you do shit, okay? I watched a fucking racing car with Red Bull on it all day today. There's no fucking way I will ever drink it. Certainly would not put it in with some vodka. Ever. I have no desire to ever drink that fucking drink. Human beings are way more fucking complex than the cartoon version. You know what I mean? Like when people have meltdowns and people film it,

and then like, you know, people are just, oh, he did that then, therefore he is that. It's just, people are way more complex than that. And you don't just see a picture of this and then see somebody yelling at this person and blah, blah, blah. Like, that's all it, it just takes billboards and TV shows and then all of the way that I was raised

goes out the window. I can tell you this, sir, all right, with your little fucking Fisher-Price fucking point here that you're making is When I was a kid the amount of violent fucking movies I watched all the Friday the 13th I watched all the fucking Nightmare on Elm Street's I watched all the Halloween's Halloween 3 one of the worst fucking movies ever Season of the witch I watched all of those things. I saw Scarface when I was like, what, how, fuck, hold on, 15. I saw all of that shit. Okay? And I can tell you this, I never went out and killed somebody.

So explain that to me. I never hit a woman. I never did any of that. So, I just, it's, I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that I don't agree with that I having said that I agreed with them saying that you know You could have picked a better picture You know what I mean? I just looked at the picture. I was like, I don't want to see a woman getting choked. I Don't want to see that You know, I look at that Fast forward to where she breaks out of the chokehold.

I'd like to see that. Anyways, let's continue on with this. You get the point. Ugh. I fucking I can't stand people. All right. After a while, the man sees the overall picture that our culture condones dominance over women. It's a piece of the larger cultural trend.

This is literally paint by numbers. Like this is all the shit that you see on TV. This type of thing happened a lot in old movies. Just watch any Humphrey Gabor movie. Movies can play a huge part in reinforcing gender inequality in a culture. Can I ask you a question, dude? lady, whoever the fuck this is, do you ever see anything else in movies? Do you ever see anything else in movies? Do you just see what the man does to the woman? So what about now all these other movies, you know, so then I guess you would then agree that the

latest Mad Max was an anti-man movie because I didn't see the movie but evidently the Mad Max guy doesn't do anything and the woman takes the reins. So judging that this is the way that you view X-Men then you must certainly see that the last Mad Max was obviously, you know, whatever, reverse misogynistic. What is that fucking word for someone who hates men? I always forget it because it's never used, it's never brought up. It's just called being a strong woman. Hatred of men.

Misandry. I don't know if I'm saying it right. M-I-S-A-N-D-R-Y. Do you see it as that? I just don't think people are that simple. I think, I really believe that when someone is a little kid, okay, if they're a little kid and they're in your house and you're their parents, I really believe that whole thing that your words become their thoughts 100% I don't believe that people like you're with your kid Every fucking day of your kid's life up until when I don't know The first time they go away from the first 10 12 years before they ship them off to camp

Or even if you don't do that, you could basically be with them almost every fucking day of their life, for the first 15 years of their life. Okay, and you're telling me that movie billboards and movies and that type of shit will undo all of your parenting? I can look, I can see some shit that you'll see a movie and it makes you want to go out and fucking you know Play cowboys and Indians like we did, you know, but I never really went out and fucking

Killed anybody right I Don't know I don't I don't agree with that I don't know I understand that the images are bad and that type of shit I definitely get all of that But the fact I can't make that leap that then it's all floating around in my head and next thing you know, I punch my wife in the face. And it's not because I'm a bad guy and had a bad father. It's because I saw too many movie billboards

in scenes in movies. I just, to make, to give movies that level of fucking power, I, you know, I I don't know you want to fucking make me go get a beer. Okay, I'll go buy a candy bar But I just don't see myself You know uppercut and some old lady in the food line because I saw the wrong movie fucking billboard I disagree with you agree to disagree sir Or man. All right fiancee's parents are evil but I can't do anything about all right so I'm getting married this month super excited to marry the

love of my life congratulations by the whole experience but the whole experience is going to be awkward and weird because their parents don't like me in fact they hate me oh Jesus I'll not give you the whole, what is she come from money and you're fucking Billy Joel? You marry an uptown girl, huh? You're singing in your garage. Let's see, I'll not give you the whole convoluted story, but the upshot is that they're conservative, upper-class, highly successful, Latin American business types, while I'm an Australian middle-class lefty arts graduate. I knew they came from money.

Anyway, we've been together for almost a decade now, and even though I know they've said horrible things about me behind my back and tried to talk her into leaving me numerous times, they've always been pleasant to my face. Oh, that's even worse. That said, there were a few years there where they didn't talk to either of us after we told them we wouldn't baptize the hypothetical children we still don't have. But we don't mention that. Okay. So you guys are agnostic or something? I don't know. Basically, it's going to kill me to have to look at their stupid fucking heads on my wedding day.

We only invited them out of a sense of obligation, but now it's hitting home that I'm actually going to be part of this family now. What I need is a long-term plan of attack to survive the next few decades until they shuffle off this mortal coil. I know living a happy life with their daughter should be all the revenge I need, but if you saw her father's face, you'd want to give him the ol' right there Fred too. Guess I need some kind of middle ground. Any advice, Fanta nuts? I don't even know what that means. Go fuck yourself, come to Australia. Imagine that some sort of red nut

over there. I have no idea Um, oh Joe barnick just texted me said smiling like the butcher's dog Good for him. All right, uh Any advice the most important thing you said there is that you're realizing that you're marrying into this family and That is something that you never really fucking think about And that is something that you never really fucking think about enough. I don't think enough people do until you just picture this person is going to hold your child someday and want to take the kid to a ballgame. You know, or whatever. So there is that.

But I don't know, the only way to do it, there's one way to do it, you could just try to kill the guy with kindness, or you could just sit down and look at the guy and just say, look man, who's kidding who? I know you don't like me. I know you're just being polite out of respect for your daughter or whatever, but you don't have to be nice to me anymore. We can see each other on the holidays or whatever. Anytime you want to come over, don't have to be nice to me anymore. You know, we can see each other on the holidays or whatever. Anytime you want to come over, don't say that, don't say you don't want to come over.

Ah, Jesus. That would drive me nuts if the guy was being phony nice to me. I would at some point, you know, have to say to the guy, listen, you don't, maybe just say that. Go out golfing with the guy and just say, listen man, I don't want to be any more of a thorn in your side than I already am. Just know that you don't have to pretend to like me. Okay? Then he just fucking walks off the first tee.

I gotta be honest with you, dude. I don't know what to tell you. These are tough ones, man. This is really fucking, how close do you live to them? That's another one. You know, if you guys live a state away, and you only see them three, four times a year, you can tough out a couple of weekends.

You know what I mean? However, if, you know, if they live right down the fucking street, you know, and then they don't approve of you And then you have a kid and then they're gonna question how you're bringing it up, and they're already getting involved They're already I can tell you this they're already way too fucking involved All right, this is the deal you can say whatever you fuck you want about Whoever your kids dating until they get married once they get fucking married you got to back off

You know unless it's obviously something horrible. The person's one person's abusing the other person, but like they got to back the fuck off. So maybe you got to have that conversation. Just be like, listen, I know you don't like me, but I love your daughter and she loves me and we got married. So you need to deal with that. Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, you need to deal with it. We got married. All right? So I don't need you coming over here giving me the fucking stink face in my own house. Alright? You already did it once, you do it again, I'm gonna take your head and stick it right in the fucking ice box. Alright? I fucking had enough of you. Yeah, fuck this guy. I have no good advice for this for you, sir. I don't know what to tell you.

I just hope it works out, but. But don't take any shit from the guy. And when it comes to you and your wife, I would just make jokes about it. You know, I'd be like, hey, you know, I'm going to go hang out with your dad today. She'd be like, really? No, he hates me. Remember? Whatever, you know, just keep it light. But don't joke about it too much because then she'll say, but it really bothers me that he doesn't like you. I want everybody to like each other. Sir, um, I think you're going to be okay, but I'm not, I'd be lying to you if it's

like seven, if I didn't tell you that 17% of me thinks that you're really fucking stepping into some shit here, but you know what? Everybody who gets married does so good luck to you. Good luck to you, but don't take any shit from that guy. I think you can get to the mom. You can charm her, right? I bet you can charm her. Women are more forgiving, right? Until they're not, and then they'll fucking kill you in your sleep. But generally speaking, they're fucking more forgiving. And I think if she really sees the love between the two of you, she could back off.

And then that's what you do. This is what you do. You divide and conquer. Fuck him. All right, I think I'm onto something. Fuck that guy. Make her mom love you. All right, that's it.

And then she'll start nagging at him. And he'll either go one or two ways. He'll either give in and eventually like you. Or two, it'll fucking eat him up and he'll die sooner. All right, Jesus Had to go all the way to there Bill. Yeah, definitely I did. All right last one. Here we go Dating an older guy. Oh, Jesus Hey Bill, I'm a 22 year old female from Slovenia, Slovenia?

Modal? Thank you for the podcast. It makes me laugh out loud Which not many things can do. That's fucking great. I would love to go over there at some point also. That Eastern European tour is going to fucking happen. I just have to have time in my schedule because all of those countries I've never been to. From fucking Lithuania and fucking Astoria, whatever the fuck that other one is up there, all the way down through Romania and back up all I know is is if I can fucking somehow Get over and then see all those countries get a bunch of different stamps on my passport I'm into that shit

Plus every one of those places like Prague or something has all those art deco all that art deco furniture That all the places over here. They order it from for nothing and then jack it up over here That all the places over here they order it from for nothing and then jack it up over here What do I do buy a desk over there and ship it fucking around the world like I'm gonna save any money That's a stupid idea anyways. I'm 22 years of okay. I would love to hear you take on my situation I'm a university student, and I play sports professionally here in Slovenia keeping busy working out about eight times a week my first coach Since I was like 12 years old is now my really close friend. Oh my god. His name isn't Woody, is it? He's since moved on to coach internationally. I almost said coach. Coach internationally,

but we still keep in touch. He knows me from when I was a little girl and he used to always tell me I was like his younger sister But I but recently I noticed he switched his approach Gross He's a 35 year old single guy. Oh my god the fucking red flags I can barely see the type here anymore and he only comes to Slovenia in July through August We were always able to talk for hours Tell failed attempts at dating to each other and generally get along better than I have ever got along with anybody in

my life so far. He's always made me laugh, compliments my personality and how good I look but never in a creepy or disturbing way. Okay, alright. My experience with guys my age was never like that. I'm not trying to say I'm too mature for them, but I would always compare them to him and they would mostly bore me and connection was never there as much as it is with him. I feel like boys my age are pushovers, at least those I had experiences with, and I feel they couldn't offer me in a relationship more than this older guy offers me in just a friendship. Yeah, and also when you're 35, this guy's going to be 50. So there's also that.

And then you're still going to want to go out and he's going to be ready for nap time. So, uh, know that too. He's 35, he's almost out of the league, if you're an athlete, you know what I mean? 35, that's when you're going to start taking the illegal drugs, you know, to hang around for, that's when you're going to start taking the illegal drugs, you know, to hang around for next a couple seasons, right?

Anyways, she says, anyways, we are hanging out a lot during this summer and I feel more and more vibes and attempts from him. He takes me out to eat and drink. He is always asking me somewhere. I know he's putting the moves on me. My issue is that I know we are in different stages of our lives.

I know he wants to get married and have children too. Fuck this guy, fuck this guy, fuck this guy. You're 22, you got the whole life ahead of you. When the fuck did he start hitting on you? Yeah, no, this isn't fair. This is like shooting fish in a barrel. You've known him since you were 12. Nah, nah, nah, nah, stay away from this guy.

This is how I know this guy's a creep, because even I wouldn't do this, okay? Fucking walk away, sir, stand down. I most certainly am not ready for anything like that, children and all that shit she's saying. I like to drink, go out with my friends, getting compliments from guys, all to soothe my self-esteem, which is not fully developed yet. Exactly.

I'm still finding myself, and I know you will interpret this as I want to fuck around. No I don't! But this is not really the case. I actually want to find a right person and fall in love. Well you're very mature for your age actually, 22. I'm dodging his attempts and usually laugh him off when he puts the moves on me. Get away from this guy. I don't want to read this. This is making me uncomfortable. Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. I don't give a fuck. Fuck this shit. Fuck this. She said sorry

if that was hard to read. My English a little rusty your English is tremendous yeah stay away from this guy all right I can't even if that was so disturbing to me that I came over he's still currently your coach anyways I feel more vibes wait a minute wait what the fuck is this thing I gotta find my first coach since I was 12 he's since move on to coach internationally but we still keep in touch all right I don't know when the fuck he coach since I was 12, he's since moved on to coach internationally, but we still keep in touch. All right, I don't know when the fuck he moved on. But what's he, he's, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, fuck that.

All right, listen, this is what you gotta hold on to. Okay, the fact that you feel the way that you do when you're 22 years old, there is somebody out there your age that is like you. And if it was easy to go out and find love everybody would find it. But the problem is you got to go through a bunch of mistakes first. So I don't know you, I don't know him, but this is not the person you're going to settle

down. Don't fucking do this. Don't do it, all right? He's got way, way too much of a mental advantage on you at 35 and 22, and he could really fucking hurt you. I say you deal with the fact that you find guys your age are not mature, and you're going to run into somebody who is. You sound like you're really good looking, you're into sports, right?

You're getting these compliments when you go out. So you probably have like these fucking YOLO douches hitting on you. You know what you need? You need a nerd. I think you need a nerd. Go find some fucking kid that likes to read, you know? See, probably has an idea to build an app,

whatever these fucking kids are doing. That's what you want to do. You don't want to go fuck around with your 35-year-old creepy, I really want to get married and have kids. Oh, do ya? Do ya? That's why you're hitting on a 22-year-old, you piece of shit? Yeah, fuck that guy.

Fuck that guy. All right? I would, yeah, stick with people your own, roughly your own age. All right? And that's coming from an older creep like me. So you know it's good advice. All right, that's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it. And congratulations to Pittsburgh Penguins fans.

And you know what, also to San Jose Shark fans. I know I've been there plenty of times, seeing the Bruins losing finals to all those great Edmonton teams. So my condolences, but hey, you actually got to the finals and you got a great team to build on. Um, and that's it.

One down, one to go. The NBA ends and, uh, I guess I'll start watching a little bit of baseball, but I'm, I think I'm going to stick with the formula one racing until I get the football season. We'll see what's up. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on Thursday. Spray from the heck, Lord, catch order. Matic or the static shall cease to exist like a sabbatical. I throw a couple at you, take six, spread love.

To all of my dead thugs, I pour out a little Louis to a head above. And when I perish, the meat shall inherit the earth, till that time is on and poppin'. Church, like Don Bishop, the fifth of Palmcock, Eva. Lift up your soul, I'll give you the Holy Ghost, please I'll leave you when somebody's gonna need you With something like Evil Knievel I'll let you see where that bright light leads you The more you talk, the more you urg in us

The more you gon' need memorial services The blackout won't second, versus like Devil's pie, say some dessert for us Man, I gotta get my soul right I gotta get these devils pop, say some dessert Man I gotta get my soul ride I gotta get these devils out my line These cowards gonna make a nigga ride They gon' be happy till somebody dies Man I gotta get my soul ride

For I'm locked up for my whole life Every time it seems it's alright Somebody want they soul to rise My tissue off of the gosh Serenes are hole in the 9 mil of the barbs killer My messengers all ride, somebody want they soul to rise I'll chase you off in a serene, so holdin' a 9 miller The barbs killer, asking them why as my eyes fill up These days I can't wake up with a dry pillow Gone but not forgotten homes, I still feel ya So, curse the day that birthed the bastard who caused your church mass

Reverse the crash, reverse the blast and reverse the car Reverse the day and there you are, Bob the law Lord forgive him, we all have sinned, but Bob's a good dude, please let him in And if you feel that my heart's out of long for revenge Please blame it on the son of the mornin' Thanks again you