Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-14-18

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

Bill rambles about eating baguettes, speaking French, and kids learning instruments.

Bonjour tout le monde et bienvenue à la jeudi après midi, je s'avante, vendredi, podcast, et lundi matin, et je... just checkin' in, so what's up motherfuckers? Bonjour, je m'appelle Guillaume et je suis dans le Paris and I'm a little buzzed. I'm not a little idea. I had a couple de 16, 64, si vous plaît, oui monsieur. What the fuck do you say afterwards when they come back? Le même chose, monsieur, or whatever the fuck, I don't know. You know what I mean? I'm not completely shitfaced right now because I have a kid. That's another good reason for becoming a parent. It's not because you want to raise a good person and experience a level of love that you've never felt before. It's really

because you've failed in your own attempts at sobriety and you're too much of a loner and you're too anti-social to ever go to AA. That's the time to have l'enfant, to have a kid, a baby, right? Oui. Ah, oui. That means yeah. Ah, yeah. Ah, oui. You sound like some dumb tourist, right? You know what's funny over here is I've been just fucking torturing these people with my French and I don't give a fuck. When they start speaking English back to me, I don't switch it over. I'm gonna fucking sit there and search for the word and you're gonna sit there and fucking take it like you have the biggest fucking moron ever sitting across from you on the $10,000 pyramid and the clock's ticking and you ain't went in

mad, baby. I fucking love it over here. I love the people. I love the food. I could literally lose the next 20 years of my life staying over here pretending that I'm an intellectual. There's just something about getting shitfaced in a cafe. You just don't feel like, you know, we don't do it right in America. They make you go inside where it's all dark and you got to hunch down and fucking, it takes you like 20 minutes just for your eyes to adjust to see if there's anybody else in there, right? The person you've been hitting on is a him or a her, a man or a sir. Here comes Pat out here. They let you be a drunk in public. You just sit there on the side of the street, right? And you fucking sit there with the

sport coat on a little pocket square. And if you feel like you're reading, I have not improved myself at all as a human being over here and I could not be having more fun. I have eaten a fucking baguette every goddamn day. I've gone to no museums. I went to the Notre Dame. I went over there. Finally, I was just, we went over there. Let's take a fucking picture. And what I love about my clav, my proper farm is that she doesn't give a shit about that stuff either. I told you that story when we went to Le Louvre, right? And we did what everybody who doesn't give a fuck about art does. We went in there and we were like, hey, fuck the other 900 million square feet of art. Where is the Mona Lisa? Mona Lisa,

right? And they told us where it was. And we went in there and we're like, there it is a little bit bigger than a stamp. You good. I'm good. Let's get the fuck out of here. And that was it. That's it. We left. I don't know how we get out of there, but we don't remember the exact directions. Okay, but we just fucking got out of there. And you know, when we were coming into town, which I used to know that word, I wish I could have taken a video. If I was ever teaching a class on creativity, okay, first of all, who the fuck would ever have me teach anything? And secondly, where do I get off acting like I'm creative? I'm a curmudgeon, and I'm good at criticizing shit. All right, however, I'm going to criticize

this. There was like fucking, I think I already talked about this, we were passing in front of the Louvre. And there's that stupid fucking glass pyramid that they made. But I think a lot of Parisians didn't like, you know, they don't like anything new, anything new is fucking, you know, I don't know, I don't know what they call it. vulgar. That's one of the best insults ever. You know, to describe something you just did unless someone just said a bunch of f bombs, then it's, it's whatever. But if you'd like to make fun of somebody's shirt, the design of it, and described it as vulgar, I don't know, it's about as deep as it gets for someone who doesn't curse, I think, right, someone was a sport code on stage, right standing

up there. Like Johnny Carson is still hosting the Tonight Show. And they're working on their five minutes set. I don't fucking know. Anyways, we were driving through you cut through. And a dwatt is a bunch of fucking tourists, all standing up having somebody else take their picture as they pretend to be like holding the top of the pyramid. I swear to God, we drove by and there was like nine people all doing it at the same time. You know, and if I was ever a professor, I would take a video of that and you go, you see this shit right here. If you want to be create, don't do that. There's a difference between being inspired by seeing somebody doing something and then just going up and doing exactly what the fuck they're doing.

Yeah, it's still going to be a great picture. But what's going to happen is that's going to be the fucking hacky thing that you do, right, until somebody switches it up. And this is what kills me. There's going to be one person that switches up what you do with yourself in the foreground of that stupid fucking glass pyramid in front of the Louvre, right. And if it gets enough hits and LOLs and oh my God, this is the greatest Instagram photo ever, then everybody will do that. You know, I don't know, someone will plank on it if people remember that fucking moment of creativity, laying face down on something. I'm not laying face down and not doing anything. I'm planking. Oh, Jesus, Bill, a couple of beers and you become even more cuntier. Huh? Why don't you

order a side order a tampons? Anyways, I resent the fact that I have to still do these fucking things. All right, I'm on vacation. Do you go to work when you're on vacation? I don't think you do. My relatives came out to that show when I was in England and they bought me a bottle. I don't know why, but they have salted caramel. Oh my God, cocoa vodka liqueur. And it's just been sitting here staring at me. And I got to be honest with you, I'm just wondering, I got to know what that hangover feels like. It's like you ever watch one of those as far as hangovers go? You ever watch sounds like it's almost nap time. You ever you ever watch one of those things on like what the Army Ranger training or Navy SEAL training? Yeah, this is like the hang like you think you

had a fucking hangover. You think you're out there, right? You think you're working out doing your little CrossFit shit and running up down the street while I sit there in a fucking cafe getting hammered wearing my little sport coat, you know, like you're fucking showing me up like I'm impressed with you and you think you're a badass. Then you watch that shit. You watch what fucking Army Rangers and all those special force people, right? I mean, just next level fucking people to people that Matt Damon plays in a movie. You know what I mean? Not the people that get applause as they trudge through the airport and their fatigues to go sit into a cubicle to order grenades that they're never going to throw. These are the fucking people that A-list movie

stars play, right? Well, this bottle here, this is I don't know if this is the fucking this hangover, right? You know, when they lift up that fucking log, those Army Rangers and there's like fucking 20 of them. And then when somebody fucking falls over and pukes and they got to pick up their own puke and take it outside the zone and then they're out. And now there's 19 of you. And then you got to hold up his weight, whatever that fucking metaphor is. Oh my god, you know fast that would be out of that pit. I need my back for the rest of my life, okay? And I don't need the pressure if everybody else is defending on me and I'm the weak link in the chain. I understand this. I'm barely surviving standing out here in the fucking sun. Forget about going over there and picking up

a fucking telephone pole with fucking nine other people who have the genetics of a fucking pit bull. Okay, I don't. I'm a lap dog. Okay, I'm the kind of dog that could go on a plane before they had that bullshit where you could say, oh, this thing is like helping me emotionally. I don't know. I didn't want to talk about that fill up enough time. Fuck, nine minutes. This is like when I'm bombing on stage and I'm like, God, I just got to end this set. I got to do a half hour. It's got to be like 28 minutes, right? Nine minutes. I'm out of fucking material. So anyways, we are staying in the, I'm not gonna tell you the fuck we are. There'll be some weirdo. Somehow we'll find me. Then I gotta fucking sit there and answer questions about how to start a

podcast in Paris. Excuse me, Mr. Guillaume Buzz. How you say Olympus LSD? Anyways, plowing ahead. So my condolence to my fellow Americans right now, if you're not into baseball, because that's the only game in town, baby. And don't even talk to me about the W and NBA. I know it's much better. The level of play is much better. I understand that. Okay, but that's like, you know, it's very rare. UFC did it. UFC, UFC did it. And they went, not only did they start after the big four, big three really, and then hockey comes along, but when you wait, you wait till they add Seattle. You wait till they add Seattle and all those fucking rain drenched lumberjacks.

Okay, we're tired of all of those fucking ridiculous hairy fucking muffs up there. Have another thing that they can focus their attention on. You wait till the NHL is gonna start nipping at the heels of, I'm gonna say baseball. I'm gonna go with baseball. All right. They built a bunch of new stadiums. The steroid error is over. And they're just sort of settling into like, this is what we do. You know, if I were the owners in the MLB right now, I would say, all right, we need some sort of synthetic fucking steroid. All right, we'll do it just like the pharmaceutical companies did with heroin. Okay, we'll make a synthetic version of steroids and we'll just sort of leak it into, I don't know, sunflower seeds. And then all of a

sudden, all the fucking numbers are gonna start going up. Right? I mean, didn't you like wrestling better when everyone was on Roids? I mean, if they just would just let them work a five-day work week, you know, not work them into the ground where they fucking die. I mean, Roids are great, aren't they? At this point, don't they have them like it like the, you know, like weed, you can have like the, what do they call that thing there, the little mister there, you know, little weed aroma thing you can buy? The fuck do you call that thing? Breathalyzer. No, not a breathalyzer. That's for drinking and driving, Bill. You should see what the fucking breathalyzer looked like when I took it at the police station when I got busted for drinking, driving almost 30 fucking years ago.

It looked like a fucking like a bagpipe in a mix with a douchebag. This giant rubber fucking hose. Come on, blow into it. I would just puffing out my cheeks trying not to blow into it because I knew I knew I had a big number. I knew I had a number that even if I had F. Lee fucking Bailey, I wasn't getting out of it. You know, might have to have a last name like Bush Kennedy, one of those fucking royalty names, one of those regal fucking names that everybody in England refuses to recognize that not only are they on par with the royal family, I would dare say that they're a little bit beyond we're taking callers. By the way, I want to thank the country of Ireland.

All right, for coming up with fucking jumpers. All right, this thing has been the shit late night in Paris, walking around smoking a cigar, you know, with my stupid fucking Brian Johnson ACDC head on. I really look like the old man that I am and I'm enjoying it. You know, God, I was thinking this morning laying in bed, not being able to sleep. I was thinking back to some shit when I was a kid and I was thinking like, Oh my God, that's like 45 fucking years ago. 45 years ago was 1973. Now in 1973, if I ran into a 50 year old guy and he said I was here 45 years ago, what year would that be? Everybody that would be 1928. According to my couple of beers math. That's how fucking old I am now. Like to a five year old kid right now, 1973 was what

1928 was to me when I was five years old. Not that I really contemplated. I used to think the 1950s were the olden days. That's what really fucking kills me when I was five years old. It's like, I could still could have saw an Elvis. I think he wasn't even fat yet. You know, could have gone into Vegas and watch him treat me like a fool. Watch him sing that song for the 9000th time that fucking week out in Vegas. You know, I think the mob killed him. I really do. He probably signs, the colonel probably signed him to some lifetime contract. And then when he just got all fat, eating those peanut butter, fucking banana sandwiches, they were just like, we got to get rid of this guy.

Is that what happens in the mob? Does anybody like die of old age? I know you can die of a heart attack sitting around, you know, that fucking, you know, was it linguine? That's the one that's bad for you, right? It's like a fucking butter based cream sauce. Jesus Christ, just sitting there slurping it up, having a look at the door every two seconds, so nobody comes in and whacks you. I've never understood it beyond the cars and the pinky rings and the great suits and the fucking hottest women in the fucking town. You know, if you can't sit down and need a bull of pasta without staring at the fucking door every two seconds, is it really fucking worth it? Maybe it is. I don't know. You know, at some point I should start taking college rather than

just asking fucking questions that float out into the fucking abyss. 15 minutes. That's it. Jesus, I feel like I'm in fucking math class back in high school. Oh my god, sign, cosine, tangent, just fucking flunk me. Is that so hard? Do we really have to go to 180 days of this shit? Can't you tell right from the beginning you don't do any scouting? They didn't. It was public schools and you know what, it was all free. It's all free. But not now. Not now, because every fucking kid out there needs a goddamn tablet and 15,000 other fucking things. Okay, and public schools can't afford to do that anymore. Now can they? Oh, they could. They could if we weren't fighting fucking 3,500 fucking jerks off without uniforms that train on

a fucking jungle gym acting like they're somehow going to overthrow this country. Huh? Despite the fact, we've done battle with first world nations and beat their asses. Do you understand that? This is a team that's not even in the fucking league. This is a friendly. We're sitting here acting like this is going to go up against their fucking record. Unbelievable. And meanwhile, these poor fucking kids in America are going to school right now and we're not even decent enough with their own tax money to provide them tablets that they can go on to to ignore this assignments and watch when watch free online porn. That's why I'm actually thinking about sending my kid to public schools because they can't afford

any of that shit, right? And then maybe my kid can can go, you know, actually have a childhood before, you know, some other fucking degenerate kid comes up and shows them God knows fucking what on their phone or their tablet. Oh, that shit. You know what I mean? I know I've talked about this shit before. I know that I've said already on this podcast that I've talked about this shit before. I don't care if this is like I'm going down memory fucking lane. All right. This is my my I think it's my first podcast officially like past the hangover of turning 50. I am in my I am in my fifties and let me tell you something when you get your fifties, you think you know shit. What are you talking about? You fucking little whipper snapper. Okay,

I've been around the block for half a fucking century. You know, many times I've been around the sun without even noticing. Somebody actually sent me that as a birthday thing. Congratulations for like your 10,000th trip around the fucking sun or something like that. I think it was like 10,000, right? Isn't that how many times you go around the sun 50 years? I hope that's I hope I way over exaggerated just just for that person that knows the answer so they can feel better about themselves. Oh, really? Why don't you go fucking spew that out in a bar and see if you get any fucking pussy out of it? Oh, Bill, is that what it's all about? All right. I'm going to look that up. How long does it take for the earth? Oh, wait, once a year goes around the sun once a year,

doesn't it? I think I remember that. I think I got that right on a science test. All right, here we go. How long does it take for the earth to go around the sun? I know this fucking thing, right? It takes 24 hours for the thing to spin around and it takes a year for it to go around. It's visual. They won't even answer me. That's how dumb this question was. It immediately goes to this visualization. Visualization shows how fast you're spinning around Earth's axis. I don't care. If I can't feel it, why do I want to know it? I don't give a shit. Fucking earth spinning on its axis is like eating iceberg lettuce with nothing on it. You know what I mean? How does that taste? I don't know. Nothing? How the earth moves? This is how dumb

this question is. The answer is not even here. Oh, and somehow Joe Rogan's on this. This is the thing that nobody really considers. You know as much about... I don't even want to read that the fucking state I'm in right now. Joe Rogan reads people. Okay, that's the podcast you're looking for. I suggest you go to the Joe Rogan experience. I think the earth goes around the sun once a year. I'm going to say once a year. I feel like that last family member on Family Feud. Everybody can somehow scrape together four smart brothers, sisters, and maybe a random cousin. You try to get that fifth person. The drop-off is tremendous. Okay, so what do you do? You always stick them there, the last fucking one, and they'll just name us a type of dog.

And it'll be like, fucking a German Shepherd. German Shepherd, big number one. You guys want to play? Yeah. Then they go to the next person, and they fucking throw out a Dalmatian. Then you get all the way down to the fifth guy. Name a type of dog. Just fucking... I can't even think of a dumb answer for type of dog. That's too easy. How many times does the earth go around the sun? How long does it take for the earth to go around the sun? Bill, how long do you think it takes for the earth to go around the sun? If we get this, you guys will be paying for all the money. If not, the drinkwater family has a chance to steal. What do you say, Bill? Could you repeat the question? Yeah, no, I can't. I fucking said it four

times. All right. How long does it take for the earth to spin around the sun? Richard, please don't kiss me. I'm going to say a year and a half, right? Which is the dumbest fucking. At least, you know, it's a solid fucking year. You know, it's a round number. You're not going to say fucking 18 months, right? But then all your other four family members are staring daggers at you. You have to fucking stand there and start clapping and say, good answer, good answer, good answer. And in the 40 fucking years that that show's been on, nobody has ever just stared at another family member and be like, what the fuck did you just say? Or looked at another family member and said, I told you we shouldn't have brought this dumb fuck. That has never happened. Well,

you know why, Bill? Because it's a game show. And people are having fun, something you don't know how to do. All right. Hey, you know, I never, I never like pre, what do you call it, promote a podcast coming up, but I got a podcast coming up on June 28th, the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and my guests will be none other than the one and only Dave Elitch, one of the great drummers in the world. And also my drum teacher, and he has a new drum instructional website, awesome fucking all of the shit that he's been showing me and everybody else, everyone from my level all the way up to some of the best drummers in the world. And he's going hard on this thing. And he's going to show you guys all the shit that he's

shown me. So he's going to be coming on promoting that, talking drums and all that type of stuff, just giving you guys a heads up. Because I think his I think that whole educational thing is going to be fucking insane, because I know from first hand experience working with that guy over the last couple of years, it has been a monumental shift in my playing. And I'm just some fucking comedian that likes playing drums. Having said that, having said that, the amount of fucking people that showed me that that eight year old Asian girl playing good times, bad times and absolutely destroy it. That's one of my favorite videos of all time, despite the fact I've been trying to play that song for 30 years, just the way she attacks the kid, the whole thing, total rock

star comes out of the field, hits the crash, she's coming out of the chair. Not only did she crush it, not only did she hit the drums like a fucking monster, she was unbelievably entertaining. And it was kids like that. They didn't have kids like that when I was a kid. That's like some fucking YouTube shit in the whole world showing you how to do stuff. I don't know what, I mean, that's just a prodigy, but that but it was cousin kids, you know, gifted kids like that. Why I shifted away from drums and ended up being a comedian, because I would go into the, you know, not every time, but it felt like almost every time I would go into the local music store, you know, before fucking Guitar Center was just the one everybody went to.

I used to go to a place, Norfolk County Music, County Music on Route 1 in Dedham, I believe is where I bought my drum kit way back in the day. Back then when the child world was down there, you know what I mean? I forget what else was down there before Toys R Us fucking took over everything. There was Child World, you went by Leech Mears and fucking Dedham, all of that area, right over there. And that great Chinese restaurant, the movie theater, all of that shit that I remember as a kid that's now fucking long gone, I assume. I would go in there and there would always just be some kid would pick up something, a guitar, a fucking xylophone, a goddamn triangle, and would not be just sitting down going, you know, saying something somebody else said, they'd come in there

and they would just start fucking playing. And you could tell that it was coming from them that or if they played something, they would then add, you know, that you'd heard on the radio, they would then add something, their own little thing to it. And they just had ideas and they were creative and all that. And I was musically, I was those people outside the fucking la lube, and standing there, you know, putting my finger on top of the goddamn, whatever the fuck you call it, the pyramid. Well, that was depressing. Jesus, Bill, way to bum yourself out. Maybe let some of that vodka do chocolate. I apologize for my growling stomach, by the way. That's what happens when you're on a liquid diet. And then I'm going to just come back to the states

here in about a week or so. And I'll be right back on the wagon. See, that's what I can do. I can drink like an alcoholic and then just step off the fucking wagon, the bus, whatever you call it, the party wagon and just start walking down the street like nothing happened, like a fucking hit man, right? Like Barry, like Bill Hader and Barry, just fucking walk away like nothing happened. Anyways, let me read some of the advertising here for this week. All right, I have this opening note. The mushroom coffee dude asked that you don't say it tastes like mushrooms. Other than that, say anything. Thanks. Well, that's fucking easy. All right. Who would think mushroom coffee doesn't taste like mushrooms? I like mushrooms.

All right. I actually had a fucking crepe today. I would say a crepe crepe, whatever the fuck it is, with jambon and fromage. Yeah. I'm sorry. I apologize to anybody remotely French. All right, quip. Sorry. The truth is most of us are brushing our teeth wrong. Fuck it. Stabbing yourself in the eye. Not for long enough and forget to change our brush on time. That's because most brands focus on selling flashy gimmicks rather than better brushing, but not quip. Not these fucking guys. So what makes quip so different? You may not have asked.

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and this is some serious shit is I used to use the handheld ones. I was like, fuck, electric toothbrushes, those things are bullshit. And I ended up brushing my gum away along my fucking tooth line and ended up having, you know, a borderline, a gingivitis type of situation. Not that. What do they call it when you are receding gum? Whatever the fuck you call it. What's great about these electric toothbrushes is you don't have to move back and forth. He just put it on there. It does all the goddamn work. I stand by this despite all the negative shit I said, I stand by this product. Plus, they're backed by a network of over 20,000 Dennis and hygienists and hundreds of thousands of happy brushes who use quip every day quips. Oh, I hope they do

animals. Quip starts at just $25. And if you go to get quip.com slash burr right now, you'll get your first refill pack for free with quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack for free at get quip.com G E T Q I P fucking stomach.com slash burr. Spelled. I just did that. I just spelled it out. All right. For sigmatic mushroom coffee, man. For sigmatic comes from Finland. So you know it's good. The the fins defeated fucking the Russians in World War Two. You think they can make a cup of coffee? The same crunchy that gave us Santa Claus, angry birds, Tuco Rask, the gold tender for the Boston Bruins, and mushroom coffee. Finnish people consume more coffee per capita per capita than any other country. Almost three times more than Americans.

All right, you don't got to get all competitive. During World War Two, when there was a shortage of coffees, the Finnish boiled mushrooms that grow on trees to make coffee. Mushroom coffee has half the caffeine of regular coffee, but is twice as magical. I don't know why I want to drink this stuff so bad. Easy on the gut, less acidic, and you don't get the jittery feeling you get from regular coffee. It is a very smooth, earthy flavor with some sweet notes in there for people who drink their coffee black, called adaptogenic. What about for people who like their women black? Well, I enjoy the coffee a little more. It gives you extra energy without more caffeine or sugar. Perfect for creativity. Hey, man, let's start a band. Helps when you need to get work done.

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promo code beer in your referral box at checkout. Oh, it's going to drive me nuts. This offer is only available for a limited time. So hurry to LegalZoom.com right now and use promo code beer for 10% off. LegalZoom, where life meets legal. LegalZoom.com. Who the fuck was I just imitating? One of those talking head fucking people and one of those mindless, oh, it was one of those mindless fucking YouTube shows. I forget what that show was called. I have no idea. Anyways, people, I think that's, I think I did it. I think I did 34 minutes. All right. We're going to do something interesting here. Last week I went to the finals of Roland Garros here in Paris. And for those of you who didn't get to watch it, for those of you who've never

been there live, I would like to close this Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday podcast with the sounds of the French open as done by Monsieur Guillaume Bairre. All right. This is, this is a point. All right. And this is, this is the two guys there. I forget who's who at this point. All right. Here we go. This is what it sounded like. Serve to point. All right. That one that missed was the drop shop that fucked up the other guy. All right. I'll see you. That's, that's the Thursday afternoon. Go fuck yourself. Have a great weekend. You cunts. Enjoy the music. And we got another half hour of this type of bullshit from one that I did. I don't know. A while ago. See you.

I don't want you. I just want to make you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrds, the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 14th, 2010. How the hell are you? Are you good? Did you have a good weekend? Did you, did you go down to that place with the thing? I heard it was nice. Was it nice? It is nice. Oh, that's nice. My son, he had a recital this weekend and we were so nervous. He was all a flustered and more suburban talk about shit that nobody cares about. Of course,

Frank was in the back with the garden hose. It froze up over the winner. So, we have to buy a new one of those. So, you know, Frank, of course, he goes on the internet and he just starts researching all about those hoses. Can you imagine just sitting there at the end of a cul-de-sac? Like that is your fucking reality. Rather than having a wine cellar, I would just have a secret room of fucking porn with Kleenex for me. Either rub one out or just sit there crying at what, what became of my life? Honey, can you go out and fix this bicycle? No. Why doesn't he go climb a fucking tree? Jesus Christ. What did they do in the 1800s? You wonder why the environment's so fucked up?

That's it right there, everybody. You just don't want to go out and be a part of your kids' lives. I don't. That's why I told you I enjoyed condoms. I didn't enjoy condoms. I just didn't want to bust one in you without one on. And now I did. And now look at it. Look at my face, sweetheart. Can't you see the misery? Fuck him. Well, he half looks like you. You go fix his fucking bike. I'm not yelling. No, I'm not. All right, so this is the podcast for this week. I gotta admit, this is like the 15th time I've tried to start it. I don't know what's going on. I'm in my bedroom. It's fucking hot out because the sun shines on this part of my apartment during this time of the day, which is why usually I do this in the morning because it's nice and cool. And then the podcast

is cool as opposed to now where it's stressed and a little sweaty, you know? Speaking of sweat, have you guys been watching the NBA Finals? Have you been watching that shit? This series, I can't call it. Lakers won the first game and I was like, God, Jesus Christ, they look unbelievable. Then the Celtics come back and I still wasn't believing in them. And I was like, you know what? Whoever wins game three, they're going to win the series. That's the pivotal fucking game. And then the Lakers win it. I'm like, God, fuck, we're done. We're done. And the Celtics win the next game. 2-2. Yeah, but what the fuck? You know, Lakers will win the next one because that's how it's going. And then bam, the Celtics win again. So they're up 3-2. Now Logic would say, well,

all they could do is win one out of two. They're evenly matched. They're going to fucking do it, but there's nothing logical about this series. It's been a war. And I hope you guys have been watching because it has been a classic and people stepping up. Not too many bonehead mistakes, although Laker fans might say a thing or two about run our test. You know, I could pick at some of my fucking players, but you know, it's been a classic goddamn series. And usually, usually I trash the other team, but I got nothing but respects for the Lakers. I got nothing but their fucking great team. And I don't know what's going to happen. I don't think we're going to close it out the next game. Will we win seven

games? Will the Lakers win the next two? I don't fucking know. But I don't understand why they can't play a game on Saturday night. What is the NBA afraid of? You know, we have Teavos. I don't know. I already fucking examined this shit. I was just glad we swatted Pau Gasol a couple of times last night, you know, gave him a nice cold bucket of water to remind him of what a fucking bitch we think he is. Nah, he's been playing great the whole goddamn series. And Kobe is, is that guy's, he is un fucking guardable. That guy's unguardable. That third quarter he had game five last night was unbelievable. You see that fucking three-pointer? What was he like 15 feet behind the line? And what it killed me is he threw it like,

it looked like a shack foul shot, except it went in. It was like a frozen rope. It was like barely any arc on the ball and there was still nothing but net. It's like he fucking defies the laws of physics. And there's a lot of people out there, as my voice cracks a little bit, because I've been screaming for seven successful shows at Carolines this weekend. I fucking raped the crowd this weekend. I was in a zone, baby. I was having a great fucking time out that way. But let's stick with the Lakers. People keep fucking comparing, saying, you know, he's the next Jordan. He isn't. This is how you know somebody isn't the next Jordan. Is there compared to Michael Jordan?

They say he's the next Jordan. All right. So that all that means is that you're playing at the, is he playing at the same level as Michael? Yes, he is. Well, dude, if you say he's playing at the same fucking level as Michael Jordan, I'll tell you why. This is the fucking difference. Michael Jordan changed the fucking game. And I keep telling you sports cunts this and you don't fucking listen to me. It's like you don't hear me. You don't understand. All right. It's like, what do I say? It's like fucking Christopher Columbus. Before that guy came along, everybody thought the world was flat. Then if you

sailed too far, you'd go right off the edge of it. But Columbus realized that it was round. And there was people to be massacred on the other side of the fucking globe. He realized that. And he became the first fucking guy to go over where they didn't think. Well, maybe some people say the Vikings, but whatever, let's just go with him, getting the fucking credit. All right? Just so I can make my example work here. Now, after he fucking does it, if another guy comes along and he does it too, he sailed at the level of Columbus, but he didn't do some groundbreaking shit, which is what Jordan did. Jordan changed the fucking game.

Kobe is just playing the game at the same level as a Michael Jordan. He's playing the game, but he's not doing shit that I haven't seen Michael already do. You know? So there you go. That's what I'm saying. The same way Dr. J changed basketball. Before Dr. J came in the fucking league, everybody in the league looked like, basically, half the league looked like they had my ability to play. You know? And then all of a sudden, he comes along and the game gets elevated above the fucking rim and he's doing shit in the ABA that nobody even thought about doing. All right? And then everybody sees him do it and it's like, oh, that's fucking possible.

And then they practice his fucking moves and now they're doing it and it becomes a part of the fucking game. That's the difference, right? And before fucking Jordan came along, everyone's like, you got to have a center. You can't win without a big man. And Jordan was the first guy to come along and said, you know what? Fuck your big man and fuck your power forward and fuck the fact that I don't even have a goddamn center. And we do, he did have a center, but the guy sucked Luke Longley or Cartwright. He's like, fuck it. You know what? I don't need any of them. I'm going to jump over all of them and fucking throw it down. That's what I'm doing. Took it to the next level. Nobody dunked the way he fucking dunked until he did it. All that

shit. You know what I'm saying? So stop with this shit. All right? But I will tell you this, without a doubt, I think he's the most unbelievable fucking player that I've seen since Jordan, but there's still a major gap. Do you know what I mean? You guys understand what I'm trying to say here? It's like Miles Davis changed fucking music. Okay? Your buddy Billy down the street, he plays the trumpet. There's a difference. He's good at playing it. I'm not saying he's not good at playing it. I'm not saying he can't play the songs that Miles Davis made, but he's not fucking Miles Davis. Who the fuck goes from sports to Miles Davis? Is it any wonder this podcast is free? Do you know my web guy told me the other day I have over 250,000 downloads of my podcast,

not a week. I don't know exactly how much time or how many people, maybe that's 14 listeners, downloading it 58 fucking times each. Does that come out to 250,000? I don't know what it does, but I was impressed and I was just thinking, you know what? What if I actually sold it for a buck of whack? That'd be 250 grand, right? Government comes in, wham! They knock it down to a buck 25, right? Or maybe I can't get to keep a buck 40 of it, but I gotta fucking throw it on the crap table that is Wall Street. Then they fucking come along. They shake up the economy like an ant farm. Now I'm down to 30 grand. Right there. I still got 30 grand. I can go out and go buy another Prius. See how that works? That's how America works. Speaking of that shit, how much on the plane

yesterday, okay? And this fucking dude comes on, you know, with what I described as Game 7 BO. One of these dudes where he walks down, he doesn't smell, and then the second he goes to put his luggage into the overhead compartment, it's just like you have got to be fucking kidding me. How did this guy make it through security? You know, I can't bring water through security, but he can bring this fucking stench onto the planet. Of course, he fucking sits right behind me. You know, and I'm just like, please just keep your fucking arms down. Fortunately, he did, but it's those guys always get on on the cross country fucking flights. So anyways, there was this adorable woman next to me and she was from Australia, had a little

fucking accent and all that type of shit. So whatever, long story short, we're taking off from JFK and one of the runways is shut down. So it's taken for fucking ever, right? A couple people on the plane are in wheelchairs, so that takes more time, you know, your proverbial fat fucks, you know, the whole deal. So we take off like an hour and a half late. It's just a whole fucking thing. By the time we land, we land, there's no gate, and then we got to sit there and wait to get towed in, and the whole thing's taken forever. And she does this shit where she just goes, she says, she goes, is everything in America slow? You know, so I let it slide. And then the plane lands and we're all trying to see who won the Celtics of the Lakers because we all missed the

fucking game. Thank God ESPN showed the replay, I caught the second half. And it goes around the plane like wildfire, you know, the Celtics won, Celtics won. And this girl, my girl was joking about how much people give this shit. And then this girl makes comics, something, you know, Americans fucking blah, blah, blah. And it's just like, you know what? I let it slide with the first fucking one, but it's just really like, they always talk about the ignorant American, what kind of a fucking asshole comes here from another country and shits on the country to somebody who's from this country. When I was over in England, I didn't walk around saying to English people how fucking awful their torsos were. I didn't do that. They said, I enjoyed England. I'm like,

it's fucking great. I can't believe I'm over here. Royal Albert Hall, it's beautiful. I can't wait to come over here again, phenomenal fucking city. I didn't say your food sucks. You guys all have Will Ferrell mushy torsos. I didn't say any of that shit. I didn't talk about your teeth being fucked up. I didn't talk about the weird inbred look because you've all been fucking each other and the same goddamn strip of land for fucking thousands of years. I didn't do that shit. I was on my best behavior and here I am sitting next to this fucking clam. There's everything in America slow as opposed to what? That beacon of speed that fucking Australia is? Fucking people. You know, I went to Australia. I was there for like three days. I had a good time down there, but you know,

I could have picked that place apart. All the unemployed people just sitting in bars drinking. That fucking idiot. You know, same fucking cunts. Same goddamn, just cunts. That's all it is. Everybody taking pot shots in America now. That's what it is because we've been on top and we've been exploiting their labor. I guess maybe that's maybe we deserve a little bit of that shit, but you know what? Look in the fucking mirror Australia or woman from Australia. The fuck? I went there. I wasn't like, wow, like I was going into the future. Can I have a ham and then the fucking sandwiches right in my hand before I even finish it? I didn't find them to be overly fast over there either. You wait. You fucking wait. You think

it's not coming your way? Our corporations are just ahead of the curve of where your corporations are. Our corporations have basically exploited every last legal way that they can make more fucking money over here. So now they're just stealing. They're just stealing and they're cutting fucking staff members. I actually had to wait like a half hour, 40 minutes to get my bag last night. I think it was that Sunday thing once again. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. So we just have like a skeleton crew. I don't know. All I'm saying, you know, it's just bugging me. It's like, do you think I know that that shit isn't a little fucked up over here? Do I need you to come over here? I would never be in Australia and go like, yeah, Australians to another fucking Australian. You

know, that's the type of shit. I just felt like fucking stuffing her in a goddamn boogie board bag. Boogie board bag. Why did I pick that? Because I saw that documentary of that stupid fuck from Australia, who's put 200 pounds of fucking weed into a boogie board bag, right? Alliteration for you. And then goes to like Bali, you know, if you even have cold medication, they hang you by your balls in the public square and she gets life imprisonment. That's what you get, you dumb fuck. That's what you get. That's one of my, you know, fuck Australia. That's how it works. You see, that's how it works right there. There's a lot of people in Australia right now maybe listening to this shit going, you know, I would never say that. I would never do that if I went, yeah,

well, one of you did. So there you go. Do you think Germany likes to be judged by Hitler alone? They don't. I bet there's a lot of sweethearts over in Germany. Look at all those fucking fat, jolly people during Oktoberfest running around dressed like they're in Hansel and Gretel, you know, shitting on each other or whatever weird fetishes they're into over there. All right, what anna just fucking bugs me. Anyways, it was my, it was my birthday this weekend. I had a wonderful birthday. I did two sold out shows at life. The first show was sold out. The second one was like 90% sold out on a Thursday, by the way. And afterwards I had, I had a slice of cake and a shot of whiskey. And then another shot of whiskey. And I'll tell you

right now, if you want to fucking hangover, have a slice of birthday cake with a little bit of makers and you're going to be in business. That was wrong, because I really fucking abused my body this weekend. I really did. And I blame, you know, I blame, I blame Joe to Rosa. I just blame him. There's just something about him. You know, he comes down. He's got that stupid look on his face. He already has a drink in his fucking hand. And you know, I don't want to drink with him, but it's like I know he's, I know he was adopted. It's like, what am I going to be yet another person who rejects this poor bastard? That's the only reason why I drink. Hang on a second. I gotta turn the fan up this fucking. All right. Well, how far are we into it? 16 pathetic minutes into this podcast.

This has really been a lackluster podcast. And I want to apologize. I gotta tell you something, guys. I've started this thing like fucking six times already. And I don't know. I'm just, I'm off this week. Look at me. I'm attacking. I'm attacking my good friend, Joe to Rosa. You know, it's a good friend of mine. Love the guy, respect him. And even though when he sits down, he looks, I look at him and he looks like he has wheelchair legs. Next time, if you guys ever go out and you see Joe to Rosa sitting at the back of a club, just look when he sits down, tell me it looks like his legs work. You know, every time he stands up, you get like that excitement. Like you're, you're seeing a miracle happening.

No, don't see what I'm doing. I'm attacking Joe. He's not even here to defend himself. Oh, geez there, Bill. What are you doing? It was my birthday this weekend. And I got a lot of well wishes on my birthday. I want to thank everybody. And then I also got a lot of happy, belated birthday. And I really don't, I don't enjoy that. All right. If you didn't remember, then fucking man up and just say, yeah, hey, I forgot your birthday. Sorry about that. You know, I was busy in my own life. Or, you know, maybe I don't give a fuck about you enough to remember it. Just say that. Say happy belated birthday. I don't like that. That's like Mary Xmas. Taking all the fun out of it. All right. If you forgot my birthday, do you think I actually

remember that you didn't, that you didn't fucking say happy birthday to me? I was totally fine with whoever said happy birthday to me on my birthday. And then you got to come the next fucking day. You know, I'm still smiling. I still got frosting on the side of my mouth. I'm having a great goddamn time. And you got to come up to me and wish me a happy belated birthday to remind me that you didn't give a fuck enough to fucking wish me happy birthday. Right before you said that, I didn't know, I didn't know that you didn't wish me happy birthday. Nor did I give a shit. I actually looked up belated because I didn't know what it meant. I know what belated birthday means. You missed my birthday. Sorry about that. But belated is one of those, those weird words

in the English language that is used, but it's only used then. Do you ever hear belated at any other point during the year? Jesus Christ. Look at that fucking belated pizza, son of a bitch. You don't. This is like a bad 80s bit. What's the deal with the word belated? Belated actually means later in relation to the proper time something should have happened. So like when I finally get get like married, can that connect with will I have a belated wedding? You know, if a woman carries a baby for fucking 10 months, do they have belated giving birth cards? Jesus Christ. I really should be wearing a fucking 80s sports coat right now with the sleeves pulled up. One of those Miami Vice

T-shirts underneath it spiking up what's left of my hair, you know, coming up on stage to like some sort of rip off of the top gun theme. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the funny bone. I wish I could stand up in the 80s. It just seems so much easier. And you could, you could like literally do coke and go on stage and nobody had a fucking problem with it. It could be absolutely out of your fucking mind. And it was considered okay because it was the 80s. I tell you what, why don't we just actually jump to the some of the segments that I have here? Let's, let's recommend some YouTube videos for the week. Okay. And why don't we just settle in that this isn't going to be one of the good podcasts? Okay. Why don't we just take the

pressure off me and just realize that this isn't going to be one of the good ones. You know, look at the Cohen brothers. Every one of their movies good. Are they? I don't fucking know. I just had to pick somebody really successful. I bet they made a bad one. So whatever. This is my fucking bad one. Uh, kind of like, uh, what's his face? That, uh, M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong, right? He made the sixth sense. Everybody went crazy. And then he made that movie where the guy takes the nap and the lawnmower runs over him. You know, they can't all be gems people. Look at AC DC, my favorite band of all time. They make like nine good records in a row. And then they make, uh, does it blow up your video? They had that bad period. Fly on the wall. Who made who?

Blow up your video. Yeah. They, you know what this is? They got outside their wheelhouse. They were actually trying to make a statement where it's like, no, you guys are AC DC. You talk about balls, the devil and fucking. Okay. Don't start making social commentary about what's happening to the art of music because it's going to go off the rails. And that's exactly what happened. Do I have, do I actually have the nerve to try to drag AC DC into this, this tailspin of a podcast? I apologize. Fuck is wrong with me. Okay. Let's, let's recommend some YouTube videos for the week. Um, videos. Oh, you got to see this one. Look up, uh, 21 foot rule, less talk, more action.

And it's basically, it's a psycho who, um, and he's basically saying, he's talking to gun people. I guess this guy's a knife sword guy and he's talking about the 21 foot rule that in the amount of time is going to take you to pull out a gun, I guess to whatever and squeeze off a shot. He's going to close the distance and stab your cardboard, uh, torso. So check that out. 21 foot rule and, uh, let's talk more action. And then, um, there's a couple of good parody ones. There's the 121 foot rule where it's a fat fuck doing the 21 foot rule, 21 foot rule from 121 feet. And then there's the 21 foot rule, lightsaber. And by the way, all of these, if you don't want to search for these videos, if you want them right at your fingertips, if typing is too much

of a bother, cause you're too busy, all you have to do is go to the mmpodcast.com and, uh, all the videos will be up there and, uh, right, right, right at the tip of your fingers. You can select them. You can watch them and, uh, and that's what you can do when I could actually come up maybe with something else good to say about the page. If I wasn't so fucking off this week, I'm just off people. All right. I'm fucking, we know it, Bill. We know it sucks. Okay. We got it. All right. Here's another one to watch. Uh, watch one crazy Red Sox fan and it's basically about a Red Sox fan who goes to a Yankees game and starts serving clam chowder outside the stadium during a Red Sox Yankees game, but only to Red Sox fans. And if you, if you just want to see

what you look like when you're drunk at the game, just watch this video because it's pretty much equally embarrassing on both sides, the level of fucking morons. Although I have to say, uh, a bunch of Boston chicks show their tits on it, but then again, that's because they're happy. Women don't show their tits when they're mad at you. So I guess none of the Yankees skanks showed their tits on it, but definitely, definitely check that shit out. But, uh, oh, here's what I should have talked about when I was talking about the Celtics Lakers. I was talking last week about why do you, why do we care so much about sports? You know, why was I on the plane flying across the country? Absolutely livid that I wasn't going

to be able to watch the game, but part of me was relieved that when I got off the plane, I was just going to hear the results and know one way or the other. You know what I mean? You just get fucking one right to the back of the head rather than sitting there slowly. I don't know. Slowly getting something, something that slowly fucking happens. That's funny. Right? You know what I'm about? You know what? I am fucking, if I fucking say one more thing, that's not funny on this goddamn podcast, I'm going to fucking erase it 25 minutes in, which would be an unprecedented move. Okay. I bail out of these things, like a fucking test pilot, three minutes in, five minutes in, six minutes, even 10 minutes in. I've

never been less funny for fucking 25 minutes that I'm going to scrap this goddamn project. This is pathetic. This is like that fucking plane that took off like a helicopter and kept killing people and was so fucked up. Even Dick Cheney finally said, you know what? Fuck it. It's not worth it. But we spent $4 billion. Yeah, but they keep fucking going in the ground like a goddamn lawn dart. That's what's happening this week. Fucking sweating my ass off my bedroom. That's what I'm going to blame. I'm going to blame the climate. All right. I had a little temper tantrum. Let's talk about sports here. Why we care. This is what, you know, I was asking last week, why, why do people give a fuck about sports? Why do you care to this level? Why do you cheer on

these guys, half of whom would blow you off if you saw him? You know, make me seem to make me seem to that fucking douchebag. He doesn't even smile during a game. You think he's going to give you a fucking autograph? Is he even in the league anymore? Why don't you bring up Vita Bluebill? There's a nice up to date fucking reference. Okay. Why we care. This guy is a great, great theory. Thank God I'm going to be reading somebody else's words. I hope he has something funny to say. All right. First off, I want to say I love the podcast, not after this one, sweetheart. You're doing God's work. Anyway, I might not be able to explain why all sports fans care about their respective teams, but I thought I'd tell you why I care and see if you or anyone

else can relate. There are two main reasons why I not only watch sports, but actually allow events that are usually happening, happening nowhere near me involving a bunch of people I never have nor will I ever meet affect my mood in either a positive or a negative way. First off is the sheer unpredictability of it. Okay. So you were surprised when you found out the kid in sixth sense was already dead or when Kevin Spacey started walking straight in the end of view of the usual suspects when either of those were worth a shit compared to a guy catching a pass with his helmet while being dropped on his fucking head in the last minute of a fucking Super Bowl to keep the winning drive alive. What a great fucking point that is. A great game in a major

sport, football, basketball, baseball, and I'll even throw in hockey as a courtesy to me. Oh, thank you, dude. Thank you for actually thinking about me. Okay. Watching a great game in either one of those major sports is for me better than the best movie or TV show. It's the ultimate fucking drama and as far as I'm concerned, oh, as far as I'm concerned, second, Jesus Christ, I can't fucking read. The font is too short. Second, following teams and players over time, you can see some inspiring shit. I love how this guy talks, right? When you think he's going to be intelligent, he starts cursing. This sounds like my act. You can see some inspiring shit. This guy is really a motivational fucking dickhead. As a Yankee fan, I watched Derek Jeter go from some skinny kid I'd

never heard of to arguably the greatest shortstop of the modern era. I watched Andy Pettico from an okay rookie to a fucking Jesus freak who did steroids. Sorry, that was me. Go from an okay rookie to a guy who has an outside shot at the Hall of Fame. Why? Because he admitted that he fucking did. I like how he just came out and admitted that he cheated and that makes it okay. Is that all the bankers had to do? Yeah, sorry, we actually took all the money and now old people are eating dog food. So they have a chance of being in the Hall of Fame of bankers. Is that what you're suggesting, sir? I really should stop heckling this because I actually agree with what he's saying here. So now I have to go back, tiny typing. On a smaller scale,

I've seen a guy like Phil Hughes go from a rookie who look overrated a couple years ago to a guy who's tearing up the league right now. I'm sure for all the faggy Laker fans, seeing Paul Gasol finally step up and show some testicles instead of allowing the Celts to punk again is inspiring on some level. Watching players and teams overcome this struggles make me think that if these guys haven't in themselves to go from just believing they can achieve great things to actually doing it, I can too. Maybe it sounds corny or like it came out of a Disney movie, but that's why I give a fuck about sports. And I mean, how can you argue that shit? I mean, how many times do you watch a movie and within the first 10 minutes you can

figure out where it's going? You know, there's the dude, he's a fucking loser. There's the fucking cool guy, he's the shit. He's treating the guy like shit. He's got the hot girlfriend, the loser guy is actually into it. Do I even need to finish it? Gee, how's that one gonna end? Let me guess. The fucking good looking girl finally realizes that her dickhead boyfriend who treats her like shit from the beginning of the movie is actually a dickhead boyfriend, dumps him, and then she actually gets with this guy. The fucking loser. How many times they make that goddamn movie? You know, how many fucking movies all of a sudden, you know, vampires? They just keep movies, making movies about vampires, don't they? Or TV shows where all of a sudden vampires are

sexy now? Is that what's going on? See that? That was a bad example. I thought I got the podcast back on fucking track. That was a terrible example. I went from being able to predict how a movie's going to go to talking about trends in movies, that they're making a bunch of fucking vampire movies. What I should be saying is that they're predictable. Actually, they are predictable. All right? Some cool new kid with a gray face is going to move to school and everyone's going to look like, say the guy looks like he's fucking dead, but there's something about him that everybody kind of likes, and all the girls' pussies are going to get wet because there's something about his extra long fucking canines, number six and number 11, to all you fucking dental douchebags out there.

You know? Then he fucking bites their neck, sucks their blood out, then they become fucking maniacs, but it takes three times, and somehow their fucking whore is actually going to have a regular boyfriend, but she can't resist his gray-faced douchebag with the giant fucking teeth. She's going to bang him one other time. She bangs him one more time. She's going to become a vampire. And her boyfriend, who should just say, fuck that bitch if she wants to hang out with that big tooth junkie cunt, let her become a vampire. I don't give a fuck for some reason. He's so pussy-whipped. He's got to go save her. And the only way to save her is to drive a stake through that fucking asshole's heart. And gee, do you think he's going to do it? Do you think he's somehow going to save her in the end?

Now, can you do that with sports? What is predictable in sports other than people are going to get absolutely fucking hammered, and that they're going to be out of shape, and that they're going to love their team when they're good, and they're going to hate them when they're bad? But as far as the outcome of the game, you have no fucking idea. You know? Don't you think right now as a Celtics fan that I want to sit here and I want to start talking shit and say that it's a rap? You know what? It's never a rap. Look at the Bruins. Up three games to none against the fucking Philadelphia Flyers. Go on and we lose. By the way, congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks and my condolences to the

Flyer fans. And I'm dead serious when I say it. A lot of people think that I fucking hate Philly because of that rant when in reality I was, you know, just doing a show and I was trying to piss people off from Philly. All right? That was a great thing to see, but I got to admit, man, that was the worst winning of a championship I think I've ever seen just for the just for those of you who don't watch hockey. Patrick Kane in overtime. An overtime goal to win the Stanley Cup. He shoots the puck. And this is really funny because people always who hate hockey to watch it on TV always say they can't see the puck. This fucking guy shot the puck and it's somehow it went into the net. It was from the side. He was almost parallel with the goal line

and he shot it in and it disappeared into the side of the net. And no one could knew where the puck was except for Patrick Kane who shot it. So he starts celebrating running down with his hands in the air doing the jazz hands, you know, and all his fucking teammates are kind of like, uh, well, Patrick's freaking out. Dead silence in the spectrum or wherever the fuck you guys play, the Wachovia center, dead fucking silence. And then the refs had to go and do a review of it. And five minutes later, they were like, oh, yeah, yeah, you won the Stanley Cup. And then they had to regroup and get happy again. That was such a fucking buzzkill. But congratulations to the Blackhawks. And, uh, hey, Maple Leaf fans, let me ask you something.

Were you rooting for the Flyers? I bet you were. Because now you guys are the saddest fucking sacks in the league. Isn't that right? Oh wait, is it 1967? Is that the last time you guys won it? I believe it is. But if you won it the last time in 1967, then you would actually be tied with the expansion six. Anybody in the expansion six who didn't win it. Now it would be the California Seals who I think went on to become the Cleveland Barons, but they folded. So they tapped out. St. Louis Blues have never won it. Out of the expansion six, neither have the LA Kings. Minnesota North Star is one of the Dallas Stars in 1999. Penguins won it last year. They won it two times 91 and 92. Look at this. Why do I have this meaningless fucking information in my head?

Flyers won it 74, 75. Is that six right there? One, two, three, four, five, six. There you go. Let me look this up. Toronto. Why don't I stop and just look this up? God knows I'm not being fucking funny this week. Toronto Maple Leafs. That's actually a city I want to do a fucking stand-up gig in, but they never seem to fucking pony up any goddamn money. All right. The 1966 Stanley Cup final was the best of seven series between the Montreal Canadiens and Toronto Maple Leafs. Montreal Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup and they'd never fucking win another one. So there you go. So now it's a three-way fucking tie for the longest futility in hockey. Toronto Maple Leafs, the Los Angeles Kings and whoever

the fuck else I said because I can't remember. And the St. Louis Blues. And I'm praying all you guys don't win because the next person on that fucking list is then I believe going to be the Bruins in 1970. Unless Vancouver came in in like 70. Is that what happened? Calgary Flames, Capitals. They all came in the early 70s. Right? Isn't this interesting? I don't think it is. Jesus Christ. Let's go back. Let's go to some questions. Maybe this will help me. Questions for the week. You know what? I'm literally looking at the clock this week, the way I do when I have a bad set and I'm looking down at my watch. Like how many more minutes do I have to do? How many more goddamn minutes? All right, question. Bill, if you had enough money to

quit stand-up and had the balls to give up your dream of becoming Ernest Borgneid, where would you live and what would you do with your time? All right. I have enough money and I can quit stand-up and I don't want to become an actor. All right. Where would I live and what would I do with my time? I would live, I think I'd live back east and I would live on a big piece of land where I could grow my own food. I'd get a pistol. I'd get all the sports fucking channels. I think I would live in, I don't know. I'd want to live right outside of New York City. One of those places. Tarry Town or Jersey above the George Washington Brids, all those fucking ritzy places,

but out in the sticks a little bit. I'd live there and I'd enjoy the four seasons. I'd get a dog, a couple of horses. I'd never ride a me. That's one of my goals in life. I want to get a couple of horses and I want them never to be ridden in their lives. After I found out what you have to do to make a fucking horse want to be ridden, you got to break them. The same way they break those fucking, those people who work at hardware stores and slash terrorists down in Guantanamo Bay, you know, you got to do that to a fucking horse. And even then the horse, you never quite, because I noticed a couple, the one or two times I've ridden a horse, they still kind of are rebellious. They do shit. Like a friend of mine actually used to work with horses and said when you go to put

the saddle on them, you got to tug it real, you got to tug the belt underneath, you got to tug it real tight, because what they'll do is they'll take a big inhale, all right, and then when you go to, and then you tie it on, and then when you go to get on top of it, they exhale and the saddle slides down and you fall off the fucking horse. I mean, right, if I ever had a horse and it ever did that shit, right there, I would look into its big, brown, beautiful horse eyes, and I would be like, you don't want to be ridden, do you? You know, well, then that's it. It's fucking over. It's fucking over. I'm not riding you anymore, all right? Go ahead, go run around in this fenced-in area, and don't fucking complain. I'm fenced in too. There's areas I can't go to. I can't just

cross borders. You ever think how fucked up that is with countries and that type of shit? How just where you're born, you're just all of a sudden on that team? You know? Like why we're not allowed to just wander? You know, why can't I just walk to Brazil? Like the old days, and just fucking go in and wash some dishes at a saloon, make a little bit of money, and then jump on a fucking stagecoach and ride out of town to some bullshit, right? Just fucking head down to Brazil and chill out down there. You can't fucking do it anymore. Got to have all these goddamn identifications, microchips and all this shit. I got to worry about roving bands, a fucking guerrilla terrorist, arrested abroad. Do you guys ever see that fucking

show? Arrested abroad makes you like, you never want to travel again. I have to tell you, even this last time when I went out of the country, and I went to England, Ireland, and Scotland, not only ridiculously white, not only do they all speak English, but I actually have ancestry in all those parts of the country. I still couldn't quite relax until I got back on my own turf. You know, I saw a sparrow. I saw somebody with dirty toes and flip flops. I was like, America, I'm back. I'm fucking back. Can you do that? And no, you can't. Even in like, how does that work over in Europe when you, you know, those dirty American college kids all of a sudden decide to get on a fucking, that kind of become dirty because I want to do it. You get on a train,

just go around Europe. How does that work? Do you have to show your passport, your papers, please? Do you have to do that? Or are you guys so advanced in the New World Order that you're all in the same fucking currency and you just have one DMV making you a fucking driver's license with a bar code in the back? Have you seen that? You guys seen that new creepy commercial? Wait, I don't know what the fuck's going on. They have a baby in the middle of it and they have all these, this electronic shit, like examining every inch of the bay. That IBM commercial, the way they're selling, microchipping the entire world with become a smarter planet, become a smarter planet, right? Who's going to argue with that? No one wants to become a dumber planet.

Watch those commercials and read between the lines and see what the fuck they're setting you up for. They're already getting you comfortable with all this robotic laser shit, looking at your naked little baby. They're going to fucking, just like a goddamn dog, they're going to stick a microchip right in the back, a fucking barcode, right on that soft part of his fucking eye. That's where they're going to, this third eye, soft part of his skull. That's where they're going to bury the microchip, right? I give it one more generation and the only job that there's going to be as a fucking human being other than wiping the ass of the Illuminati is to be the guy who oils the fucking robots. Other than that, the rest of us were going down. We're all getting processed. That's my

message on this happy fucking horrific car crash of a fucking podcast. Next question. So that's what I do. I would live back east and I would like to live on a big piece of property and I'd like to learn how to grow my own food. Even if I wasn't into that conspiracy theory type of shit, I just, there's just something about it. I think you should know how to live off the land. I think you should know how to survive in the wild. I just think that stuff, I think you should know how to defend yourself. All of this stuff, I don't know how to do. You know, you know, I know how to defend myself. As you put me in a headlock, I put you in a headlock and then we both sit there tugging on each other going, quit it. You quit it. You quit first. Like that's all I know how to do.

You know, sit on your chest and fucking punch you. That's, I know how to do that. If you're my little brother, I know how to beat you up. I don't know how to survive in the wild. I was actually on the internet the other day and I was trying to learn how to hot wire a car and pick a lock just in case, just in case this shit happens. And I'm that guy running around with cargo pants and a backpack like that fucking show they have. You seen that show after the apocalypse? The guy goes through the garbage and he somehow finds you know, stuff to eat and how to start a fire. I don't know how to do any of that shit. I want to learn how to do that shit so I don't take the coward way out and just kill myself.

You know, a lot of people have that as a plan. That's the backup. Oh, if the shit goes down, I'll just kill myself. You know, next, next problem. All right, next question. Here we go. Dear Bill, I'm 19 and I do stand up in New York City. Well, at least I did until I ran out of money paying for all the open mics and transportation. I'm trying to get a job to pay for what I love doing. Sounds like a plan, right? Absolutely, sounds like a plan. But of course, this shit will eventually hit the fan. In about a month and a half, my mom is going to move back to New England and I'm definitely not going back because one, that shit sucks. And two, New York is the best place to do stand up. Every day, my mom and my older brother give me shit for every little thing.

Every day, my, uh, what? Sorry, my fucking, I just jumped the line. I'm trying to get a job, but I look like a hippie, so that shit ain't easy. No, every day, my mom and older brother give me shit for every little thing I do. I'm trying to get a job, but I look like a hippie, so that shit ain't easy. Um, now for the part that leaves me, making, making, uh, leaves me looking like, like a pussy. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm wasting time. I should do stand up every night and my carefree attitudes does nothing but piss off these stressed out bastards in my house. If you were in this situation, what would you do? Uh, well, you didn't give me enough of your situation to fully tell you. Um, I don't know how old you are. Oh, 19, you're 19. Uh, what would I do? I

would get a fucking job. That's what I would do. I would get a job that would allow me to stay in the tri-state area and I would continue to do stand up down there. That's what I would do if you don't want to move to Boston. But, um, you know, if you wanted to move to Boston, I mean, that's where I started. I can't really comment on the scene. The scene was great when, uh, when I was up there and I had a day job and I did spots at night, came to work sleepy or whatever and I got myself to the point I just saved up a ton of money. Um, I can give you this advice, whatever you do, don't get a fucking credit card and get yourself into some ridiculous debt because that is the, uh, that's the modern day slavery is the loaning of money at interest and you need to avoid

that at all fucking costs. So what I would do, get a reliable car, all this shit requires money, but I would not go out and buy a brand new fucking car, get a job and get all this fucking debt to quote unquote build up your credit. I wouldn't do any of that shit. All right. I would keep myself, um, I wouldn't be in a relationship. You know, I wouldn't, I would, I would keep it, um, I'd keep it real light. Travel light is what I would say. Travel light. Dude, you're 19 years old. You ought to be able to sleep on the sidewalk. All right. Your body is still brand new. It's brand fucking new. You don't have any aches or pains. If you want to stay there, you just stay there. Find a fucking job, whatever you got to do, just get a goddamn job out there and then I

would continue on and then, uh, just think positive, think positive and it's bad and no matter how bad it fucking gets, just think this is just a funny chapter in a, in a, in a book that I'll write someday or a funny story to tell if I'm sitting on the couch on Conan one day. Just look at it that way. Don't listen to the negative fucks around you and, uh, just keep going. That's what I would do. If you want to stay in the New York area and do stand up, then that's exactly what the fuck I would do. Do that. That is my advice to you. Good luck to you, sir. And, uh, hope it all works out for you. And if by the time you make it, I've already made it and then have a fucking brutal drug habit, uh, help me out. Trust me, trust me in opening gig. I'll open for you. Um, all right. This is

one of the last things. There's going to be a short podcast this week. I apologize. I just don't fucking have it this week. I really don't. I got a million things on my fucking mind. I got a bunch of bills I have to pay. I got all this shit. I'm running around. Hey, you know, it's fucked up. They, I got, I, uh, I thought I was going to be doing Letterman again next week. Uh, I got bumped again. I got bumped again. So at least that stress is taken off. It's kind of cool though, because the set has been ready since May. So, um, rather than the panic that I usually have, usually when they ask me to do Letterman, um, they call me up, they go, what do you got? You got five minutes ready? And as always, I lie and I go, yeah, I got five minutes clean material.

Um, and then I frantically try to put it together. And, uh, you know, I stress for like fucking 14 days before I finally start to get it. I feel like I have it. And then it always ends up going well, but there's an unbelievable amount of stress. But the thing is, is I already went through that bullshit in April, getting ready for the beginning of May. And then, um, you know, then it went away and then, uh, it started to build up again and all of a sudden June, I'm ready to go. And then today, boom, you're out. You're fucking out. So, so I'm ready to go. I don't want the point of that fucking story was, you know what? I just, am I allowed to take a week off people? Am I?

How about this? We just, um, we just got the final copy of my new special is ready. We, we just locked the master or whatever they say technically it's ready to go. I got extras. And one of the extras actually is the Monday morning podcast, which would have been a great thing to bring up if, uh, if this was actually a decent podcast, but one of the extras is we, I filmed one of my podcasts. Um, another extras is some people heckling me in a club, couple episodes of that. And, uh, whatever the rest of it, you'll find out when you buy the thing. And considering this thing is free, I'm letting you guys know right now when I get an actual release date for this, uh, for the podcast, I'm going to be coming at you guys hard and heavy

with the guilt. Okay. And if you think you're only going to be required to buy one DVD, I got news for you. I got, I'm going more than that. All right. I'm not going to say how many I think you should buy, but it's more than one and it's less than three, but I'm not going to say what that number. All right. Let's read the last thing here. Overrated for this week, overrated, sprint, customer service. I swear to God, these people are just there to piss you off, Bill. It's like no matter what you say, they have some textbook come back to make you seem like an asshole. How funny is that? Uh, what do they explain the phone and you don't get it? So now you're blaming them? Actually, you know what you're saying. Um, I have been with sprint for years now and I'm

always bitching to them about their shitty phones, but I, but can you blame me? Either the screen, either the screen breaks or the fucking thing doesn't charge. Like two days ago, I went in yet again to get my phone looked at because when I plugged in the charger, the phone wouldn't charge. So I bring the phone up and the charger, I bring the phone and the charger up into the store and the douchebag behind the counter says the charger port in the phone is bad. We will order you a new phone, come back in two days and it'll be here. It'll be here for you. Keep in mind, they looked at both the phone and the charger. So I say that's fine with me. Um, ordering a phone takes some time, two days, no, no big deal. Two days later, I pick up the phone and bring it home

to find out the fucking thing doesn't charge. So I'm sitting here thinking, what the fuck? Did they order me a new, what the, what the fuck did they order me a new phone for? So I go back to the sprint store and I very calmly explain that the charger was the problem the whole time. Like I had said since the beginning. So they go back and fuck around with the thing some more and this cunt comes back to me and tells me that I was right. Um, and here's where I get pissed. She tells me that I need to buy the new charger myself because apparently full insurance doesn't cover accessories. I swear to God, I never would, I would never hit a woman, but this bitch got me so angry. Um, I explained that, that, uh, they were the one, they were the ones who diagnosed

diagnosed the fucking problem, not me. They're the ones who ordered a new phone when I didn't even need one. Plus I had to wait two days to find out all this, to find all that shit out and they still charged me $40 for the fucking thing. No discount or anything. Sorry, just had to vent. Yeah, that's one of those deals where you have to, um, you have to stop talking to the person at the counter. The first thing you have to do is you got to keep your temper in check. I did a whole segment on this about a year ago about the magic of the word unacceptable and whatever wisdom I learned was fleeting because I've gone right back to flipping out and screaming at people and I can tell you from personal experience that that is not, it's not, does not get you to

the desired results. So what you should have done was say that I need to talk to somebody above you. I understand you don't make these rules, you just keep complimenting the person and you just keep saying it's unacceptable and acceptable and eventually that you're going to get to the highest person in the store and what they're going to do is tell you that you then have to jump through a couple of fucking hoops, email people, something involving the internet, and they're all just hoping you're going to tap out. But if you never fucking tap out, you're going to get what you have coming to you. That's just what they do. That's just how it works now. And uh, you know, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. I don't even know what to

say. God knows it won't be anything funny. This fucking piece of shit of a fucking podcast. This fucking podcast was a car. Here's some questions for you this week. If this podcast was a car, what would it be? If it was a comedian, who would it be? If it was a president, who would it be? Go to the mmpodcast people, the mmpodcast.com. Go to that page. We'll have the questions up there and you can fucking send in your answers and I'll read them next week. If you want to trash me, if you want to trash me, go right ahead. I fucking deserve it. You know what? This is the first time a podcast has really seemed like work. Usually I'm in here. I'm having a good time. Maybe I'm fucking jet lagged. What if I just ran out of

funny? You know, they always say that you got to worry about that shit as a comedian. You just dry up. Maybe I'm drying up. I turned 42 years old and that's it. That was the magic number. The first 18 years of his career, man, I tell you the guy fucking just steadily improved. He just kept getting better and better and better and then he hit 42 and I don't know what happened. He started regressing. The first thing he did, he started doing the podcast in the afternoon. It was hot. He started sweating, cooking his fucking brain. You know, just fucking all went downhill from this. He right there. I thought I was going to go on some sort of a riff and it just fucking ended. I got nothing. Why would I think after 55 minutes of mental torture that all of a sudden I was just

going to pull this fucking jam out of my ass? Is that what I thought was going to happen? It didn't. I got fucking news for you. It didn't. My brain would just start thinking of the oil spill. Like I was going to riff on that. I got nothing to say about it because I haven't fucking watched a second of it because there's nothing I can do about it. All right. Put a picture up when you clog the fucking hole. By the way, are they ever going to be able to clean that up? Are we so in trouble that do you realize that they actually listened to Kevin Costner? Kevin Costner actually got a meeting with the government. That's how dumb I am. I don't even know what branch of the government. He went to

Washington and he met with the government. You know, whatever the fuck he did. He went to one of those buildings that's painted white and has pillars out in the front and he went in there and there was fucking five old people sitting there in suits and he, you know, he did the usual. I didn't come here as an actor. I came here as a blub. He's got some side company that I guess vacuums oil off the top of the water. How did he even get that meeting? What are they? Well, he was in Waterworld. I mean, there's water right there. Shit. And he did fucking play John F. Kennedy. Actually, no, sir, he didn't. He played the guy investigating it while he was in contact with the president. There you go. Right there. He fought in the Civil

War. He fucking played baseball. He built a goddamn stadium. What more does this guy have to fucking do to get a goddamn meeting with us? He finger bagged Meg Ryan in the back of that limo. What else did he do? I can't remember. I know I'm fucking all these up. He was fucking with the guy from the breakfast club when they went skydiving Fandango. Hey, remember that one kid who had that part in the movie in Fandango who just slept in the back of the car, the entire fucking movie? My part in date night was one level above that. That actor in Fandango called me. And the guy from Weekend at Bernie's called me to see, how did you get eight lines? Dude, you're blowing up. You're fucking blowing up. So anyways,

fucking Kevin Costner, who like Jack Nicholson, is going to take forever to go bald. I don't know what those guys dump on their fucking heads, but they really, they stave it off. They really stave it off. I, on the other hand, I'm not using any of that shit. I'm just letting it fucking happen. And then what I'm going to do is in 10 years, I figured the fact that they can grow a fucking colon outside of the human body. If they can fucking do that and then take out the old one and stick the new one in like you just got a new exhaust system, there's no fucking way. They're not going to have a cure for this shit in 10 fucking years. I'll just fucking pop a pill and the shit will just start growing back like magic.

Like fucking magic. I learned that. I learned that the other day when I was watching one of those shows for, you know, it's not a, it's not out to pay. It's your actual fucking hair, right? And they got that 50 year old guy running his hands through his, his J. Leno head of hair now, and he's going, you know, I wish I did this 10 years ago. And it's like, dude, no, you, no, you don't. No, you don't. If you go back and look at what hair plugs look like 10 years ago, sir, you're going to say, I'm really glad I waited. It's like people are going to get their tattoos removed and then they just have that permanent Indian sunburn because they fuck it up because it's new. Just wait a few years. Wait a few years. It's all going to be great. That's,

that's my advice for you. If you can wait, I had a buddy of mine who did crystal meth and a bunch of fucked up drugs and he dried out his joints and had to get like hip replacement surgery at like 36. And he's needed it for like six years. And the doctor says, just wait, just wait, just wait. Cause when I was younger, if you got hip replacement surgery, you were fucked unless you got it at like 60 or 70. Cause it only lasted for like 10 years and people used to die in their 60s. John Wayne, all of them fucking rump roast hanging out of the fucking your anus. He just collapsed one day. Just fuck, it was just rump roast and Geritol pills, undigested Geritol pills. That's, that's all you, you just died of that and everybody dropped in their fucking 60s.

But whatever, what I'm trying to say is you fucking, your hip only lasted for 10 years and then, then you were in a wheelchair. Like what's his face? Earl Campbell. Earl Campbell now was in a wheelchair, but my buddy has needed it for like five, six, seven years. And five, six, seven years ago, the doctor said of stuttering again, said that he needed this hip replacement surgery. And he's just told him if he can wait, if he could deal with the pain that the advancements that they were having, he would be so much better. And he waited and hadn't seen the guy in a minute. One of those friends, we showed up, you know, went to a fucking hockey game or something and he had handicap plates and I couldn't understand why and he's walking normally. He said, oh, I had, I had hip

replacement surgery. And I was like, when he said like six months ago and he's fucking walking around all normal. I get the fuck out of here. He goes, yeah, and he explained the whole thing how now they used to like just cut your whole leg open almost from like hip down to your knee and just remove your entire hip and like, I don't know, like the, like half your fucking femur. Now I don't know what they do. I don't know what they do, but it's working people. Is this interesting? Me explaining fucking hip surgery. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Maybe that would work with the oil spill. You know what the big deal is, is I like how Kevin Costner has actually has a side business. That's so fucking smart. Because if you listen to this fucking podcast,

shouldn't I really have a side business? Shouldn't I have something to fall back on? Ah, fuck that's it. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'm sorry. Have a good week. Don't judge me. I'll be back next week. Okay, Eminem had a couple of bad albums. I heard his new one's fucking unbelievable. All right, see you. I don't want you mean no shame.