Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-15-17

Episode Date: June 16, 2017

Bill rambles about Mayweather/Mcgregor, the first Quakers and metric modulation.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you to see how your week's going. Have you almost made it to Friday? I am in New York City. If I can wake up in a city that blows me just for being there and wear my fucking sweat pants while eating tad steaks.

There's so many people not making it into New York, but they play that fucking song and everybody thinks they're making it, right? These fucking homeless people are taking public shits on the subway grates and they drop down on Wall Street people. Now that was the 90s. It all gradually went away. It all went away and now there's like bicycles and chairs in the streets. This is all shit I might be talking about tonight.

I am in New York for my final press stop and then I am done hyping the, for the most part, I'm done hyping the second season of Effister Family. I told you was out there, take it or leave it. You either want to watch it or you don't. I'm going to be doing Stephen Colbert tonight. However, it will not air until tomorrow. So one of the hardest things about doing his show tonight is, aside from the fact, I believe he tapes at the Ed Sullivan Theater, which is where I used to stand up when I did Letterman,

which is where the Beatles, you know, did their thing, which is where Jackie Mason allegedly flipped off somebody, you know, when he still maintains he didn't back on the Ed Sullivan show. Okay? I was kidding. Who? If you want to go far enough back, I'm sure there was some Native Americans just chilling out there eating a fucking rabbit thinking, look at this paradise.

It's like the entire strip of Manhattan, it all looks like Central Park and the other Indian Native American goes, what the fuck is Central Park and then he points to a ship of white people coming over the horizon. These fucking people tell you about it. The first fucking Quakers, what's the difference between Quakers and those people with the buckles on their hat that first stopped off at Plymouth Rock, if that ever happened? On the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Marina, Santa Maria, Nina, the Pinta and Santa Marina, it's not like they're from Spain, right?

Why were they a bunch of white people from England riding in Spanish boats? This is like F1. Let me get this straight. This is the team from India, yet they have a Mercedes engine. All right. I'm all over the map. I'm all over the map. I need to get focused.

All right. I am pretty focused. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Oh, Billy, no fun. It was Billy, half a fun, because I was still celebrating my birthday, so I had a couple of glasses of wine sitting there like I was sophisticated, like I read. Like I was a socialite.

Like I was the kind of person that you just invite to a party because I'm an interesting person to have there. You ever seen that? Like in France, they still have socialites. I don't know how they make a living, but they're just these people who don't really have jobs. If you have a party, it's not a party unless you invite this person, and everybody's dying to get into the circle that they stand in to discuss anything from art to world politics to fashion.

Not saying that fashion isn't an art form, okay, for all the fucking dressmakers who listen to this. Dressmakers, by the way, that listen to this podcast, you know, a lot of them always have to stop and hit rewind because some of their sequins hit the floor, and they couldn't quite make out what I was saying. What am I saying? My voice is in the same register as sequins hitting the floor. I think I am.

I think that's the most roundabout way anybody has ever called themselves, you know, a bit of a Nancy boy. Oh, you mean the guy with the sequin tone voice? All right. What am I saying here? Okay, I have a major, major announcement on so many different levels here, all right? I hope you're sitting down. I'm pregnant, okay?

I was taking these hormones to try and lose weight, and I grew a womb somehow. I got abs, but you know, there's always, you know, you can't have your cake and eat it, and somehow I got pregnant, you know? You wouldn't think, you know, I somehow, while jerking off, sorry, anyways. What I want to say here is Verzi's, Paul Verzi, I'm doing this bad, all right, the All Things Comedy Network is going to be producing their first hour-long stand-up special, and the person who would be picked to do it is my good friend, friend of the podcast, one of the four horsemen on the road that I take out there, Paul Verzi, is going to be doing

a special. Tickets are on sale now, all right, and actually the idea of this was brought to us by his good friend, Saturday Night Live Zone, Pete Davidson, Pete Davidson, All Things Comedy, Al Madrigal, and myself are all going to be involved with producing this stand-up special, and me and Pete will be going on the night of Paul's shows. He's going to be doing two shows on August 13th, one at 7 p.m., one at 9.30 p.m., at the Terry Town Music Hall, and Terry Town, New York, one of my favorite theaters out there, and Paul's obviously going to be closing, doing his special, and in the beginning, me

and Pete are going to mess around or whatever, do some stuff, make you laugh, warm up the crowd for Paul, and then Paul's going to absolutely kill it. This is the biggest thing that I've done in my career, I've never produced anything like this. We're putting a lot of money out there. Paul is a beast. It would mean the world to me and to Paul, and it was family back east, all back east here, if you guys came down.

Tickets are only 20 bucks. I'll be hanging out meeting people after the show, whatever you want to do, I'll fucking whatever you want me to do, just whatever I have to do to fill this thing up so Paul Verzi can do his special here. So we're going to have the ticket link and everything like that, the tickets are live, whatever, you can buy them right now. You can pull over in your car, you can continue to drive and run that risk and try to buy tickets while you're driving.

August 13th, it's a Sunday night in August on the 13th, 7 p.m., 9.30 p.m., the Terry Town Music Hall, that's going to be a huge night, really looking forward to it. Oh, and also, you know what else I forgot to bring up, holy shit. The F is for family, I tweeted about it, we finally, we got some merch, we got t-shirts, we got some for the ladies, some for the men, you know, some for the boys and girls, we got everything down there, you know, we got some Kevin shirts, Frank shirts, F is for family shirts, Vic shirts, you know, and just when you think you have all the bases covered people, go, what about this character, why don't you have his shit?

And I think because they're going mainstream at first, and then eventually everybody will have some stuff, alright? Anyway, so let's get down to what the fuck went on this week. The big story, yada da da boodoo doodoo, Conor McGregor and Money Mayweather, I don't even know his first name, the Floyd, Floyd Money Making Get Money Mayweather are going to have a boxing match in August, pay per view. What do you guys think about this? Are you going to take your hard earned paper that is backed by no gold?

Are you going to write a piece, a number on a piece of paper, stick it in another piece of paper and mail it to the pay per view people to watch this fight? Do you think, A, this is fucking amazing or B, this has got to be one of the dumbest fucking things I've ever heard in my life? You know me, I'm a fucking curmudgeon, but I'm also wrong a lot. God knows that. God knows I'm wrong. I mean, I didn't know something the other day when somebody correct me on.

I didn't know about kryptonite people, you know, and that's what I love about my fan based on this podcast. They're smart enough, you know, when I make a major faux pas such as that of not describing Superman's planet blowing up and what kryptonite really is, you know, I will always regret that and I'll never be able to apologize long enough. A lot of people had to apologize over the last couple of weeks in my industry and they've put their controversies behind them, but I don't think I'll ever outlive not knowing what kryptonite was and I accept full responsibility.

Anyways, this is like the dumbest fucking thing ever. Okay, Conor McGregor fights for a living. Mayweather fights for a living, but that's it. So they're just going to box, all right? They're going to be wearing the fucking 16 ounce gloves, whatever the fuck a boxer wears. This is the stupidest fucking thing ever. This is like watching Durant go to the Warriors. You know the Warriors, it's over.

It's fucking over. It's over. Watching the Golden State Warriors when the NBA championship this year was basically watching like a bad summertime movie. It was big. It was loud and you knew how it was going to end and it was, yeah, it was fucking boring, right? By the way, congratulations.

I should at least do that. Okay, I mean, it's fucking, the Warriors are amazing. It's actually bad that Durant joined them as far as like their legacy because you really had a team that, you know, has the, already had the potential to be like a dynasty. They came within a couple of seconds of winning back to back without Durant going there. So congratulations to the Warriors, congratulations to their fans. My condolences to any fan of basketball that enjoys competition and enjoys seven game series. Congratulations to people who want to save the environment and want four people in a

fucking car. The Pylon team, that's the basketball team for you because I just look at it as a metaphor. There wasn't a lack of competition that was a thumbs up for the Diamond Lane. Let's get all the stars in the same vehicle. All right. McGregor versus Mayweather, this would basically be like if you took Jerry Rice in the prime of his career, Tom Brady in the prime of his career, and you're like, let's figure out who's a better football player.

But the only way you were going to measure that, it was how far they could throw a football. You weren't going to do the 40 yard dash. You weren't going to see if they could catch. You know what I mean? I don't know. It's just Mayweather boxes, they're going to have a boxing match. Now you know how fucking over this fight would be if McGregor was allowed to use, you know, everything else that he does, taking it to the ground, the kicks, the fucking choking

them out. I mean, I don't know shit about the fight game, and I know this is fucking stupid. This is dumb. What do you have next? A fucking elephant versus a fucking cheetah, and they're going to have a foot race. One of the strongest animals ever, one of the fastest animals ever. Let's have a competition between the two of them based on nothing but speed. Up truck versus Lamborghini, both forms of transportation.

Yeah, I'll tell you what's going to be. The only thing that's going to be interesting is if Mayweather can actually knock him out. He's a 40 year old guy. I know his hands, you know, I believe he has constant pain in them. I'm a huge fan of both of them, and this is nothing more than a fucking money grab. This is a smash and fucking grab. This is like when fucking, it's like when Bobby, this is like, I put this in the same, it's a better version of when Bobby Riggs played Billie Jean King or fucking Muhammad

Ali fought Lyle Alzado, Hulk Hogan fought fucking Rocky Balboa or whatever the fuck. I mean, this is, it's in that vein. You know, I think it's really ironic that the circus just went out of business and now they're having this pay-per-view. I bet the same people who cashed out on the circus speaking of elephants, they got their money behind this one. This is not, and what's going to be funny is all the mouth breathers who want to say boxing's a better form if, you know, when Mayweather beats fucking McGregor by out-pointing

him or whatever the fuck he's going to do. Everyone's going to be saying fucking boxing's better than MMA. It's going to be like, dude, he's not doing it. This is like fucking having a break dancer battle a guy who does nothing but the waltz and we're going to have a waltzing contest. Not to say that the break dancer couldn't figure it out, he doesn't have enough time. So here's the deal, I am going to say this right now and I probably won't because I'll probably get sucked into the, I'm going to do my best to not get sucked into the hype

of this fucking fight, all right? I am going to, I'm going to wait, I'm just going to, I'm sitting it out, okay? And I'm hoping I'm wrong and I hope people say, Bill, that was the greatest fucking fight I've ever seen in my life. It went the distance to somehow against all odds, but McGregor beat Mayweather and then I'll be like, you know what, then I'm going to, I'll sit down and I'll fucking watch it. I'll do it.

I don't give a shit. That's like after you see a movie when the Oscar, you know, you kind of know what the movie's about but you still haven't seen it, you can go back and watch it, right? This is one thing I am really excited about is that McGregor and Mayweather are going to make a bunch of fucking money. Good for them. Good for them, you know, because those guys usually end up with their brains all fucked up.

You know, they might as well have some money, right? So good for them. So I'm glad a bunch of people are going to watch that and think that this is going to be, you know, let's see what's better, MMA or fucking boxing. They already decided that way back before Dana White even got into this shit back when it was just, remember the early days when they didn't, I didn't even know what the name of it was. I remember Patrice telling me, dude, you got to watch this shit way back in the day when

you know, that fucking boxer came in wearing one boxing glove and he fought the other guy. He had one boxing glove on and the other guy had more of a wrestling background. He just put the guy in his back and now he's sitting there with one hand and the other hand's got a mitten on it that's tied to his wrist and he can't get it off. It was a shit show. So I don't know. I don't know. You never know what the fucking happened.

You never know what can happen, but I will say this, I can't put whoever the fuck put that together. Jesus Christ, I can't imagine the amount of hoops you had to jump through. Now that I'm getting into producing here and I'm producing a special for Paul Verzi. Look at me. I already feel a little more arrogant. I'm going to give myself some big, fancy Hollywood reading glasses. Those giant ones.

Hey, by the way, what is going on with the world? This fucking guy went to a softball game and shot it up. Now I know it's not John Goodman. You know, it kind of looks like him. Is it his brother, Ron? Is it Ron Goodman? Trump Hater shoots GOP big, GOP big, comma three others. Both parties stunned by ball field horror.

Well, yeah, obviously. Did you need to say that? Oh, was one of them not? You know what happens? You play softball shit like this happens. Left wing zealot. What does that mean? Shoots Republicans rep for others.

Look at this. This is what's fucking hilarious because the daily news is left leaning. Says Trump Hater. They get that out. They make sure to say both parties. That's why they did it because they're lefties. And then over here, the posts whose right wing is like left wing zealot shoots Republican rep for four others.

Why do you guys think this shit that keeps happening? I think it's the internet. You know, and I'm telling you right now, if shit like this keeps happening, if we don't all grow the fuck up, they're going to take the internet away from us. And it'd probably be a smart thing. We should go back to just sort of living small lives, entertaining ourselves, sitting on stoopes during hot days, you know, start making music like your laptop won't work anymore. That'll be like the modern day washboard.

I think we need to just kind of go back to that. You know what needs to happen? People need to go back to playing cards, playing hearts, Phantan, all those old bridge. I think that that's what needs to happen. People need to just kind of walk away from social media and all of this shit because I think people, I don't know what the deal is. They're getting too fucking, what kind of a fucking lunatic? I mean, what was he trying to, I don't even, I don't even, like I usually avoid those things

but I, you know, I'm doing a talk show today so I gotta fucking know what's going on in the world and be like, what's the deal with this or what's the deal with that? So I figured it'd be the usual. Some politician got cut showing his dick or banging a stripper, but now it's just, it's just a bunch of, you can't even fucking play softball anymore. See this is why I don't read the paper, it just makes you upset. You know what, fuck this. I'm going for the bread and circus.

I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna get McGregor first Mayweather. You know? Then who do I root for? I think I gotta root for Mayweather because even though I always go for the underdog, which McGregor has to be considering, you know, he has this Swiss army knife of shit that he knows how to do and it's like, no, the only knife you can take out is the one Mayweather is going to use. And he's been sharpening his for the last fucking 30 years, 40 years, he's been boxing

his whole life. I will say this though, if McGregor beats Mayweather, I mean, is that the end of boxing? Did I really just say that? Is, well, should I be on ESPN right now? Will this be the end of boxing? It was already bad when Mayweather had fucking, the Filipino dude, what's the fuck's his name there? You know, when they should have fought like 30 years earlier, they finally got around

to fighting. And then the Filipino guy who was also like a congressman at that point and like a karaoke singer, I believe, he had like a hurt hand when they finally fought. I mean, just took everybody's fucking money. How many white bentleys are you going to buy this guys? You know, at some point people. Anyways, so I'm here in New York and I'm sober William now and I'm enjoying it. I really am.

I'm getting eight hours fucking sleep. You know, I wake up, I feel good. The sun's a little brighter. You know, and it feels good to have it on me before, you know, I used to be like birds. So my new thing now is I just meet people and I go to dinner, I go to fucking lunch with them, you know, so I just met with one of my buddies that runs the stand over there, stand comedy club and we went over to a diner and I'm sitting there and the thing about LA is there's a bunch of characters in LA, but we're in cars so you don't get to interact

with people. In New York you just walk down the street, you just get to overhear all this shit. So I'm sitting there waiting for my buddy to show up and there's this lady, this lady, older lady sitting in this booth and she, you know, you know little kids wave because they're just learning how to use their arm. After a while you get so old you forget how to use it again. So she's doing like a little kid wave, like it's just like she's sort of shaking that limb in her hands, just sort of flopping around as if she has no control over her wrist anymore.

That old lady wave, right? So the waiter comes over and says, what's the problem? She's like, yes, there's something wrong with my Coke and I'm thinking, okay, they brought Pepsi instead of whatever, Coca-Cola. She goes, there's something wrong with my Coke. She goes, it's not in a can. So you know, the way to laugh, he goes, all right, man, we'll take care of it, we'll fix that for you, right?

And she continues on going, I don't know if I forgot to say it, I probably did, but it's supposed to be in a can. So he goes to take her full glass of Coke away and as he takes away, she goes, I didn't drink out of it. Like he was just gonna pass it on to the next person that orders the Coke, which was hilarious. So then I'm sitting there with a buddy of mine, my buddy shows up and as we're talking, we were discussing getting older and he had some fucking ailment he's been dealing with and that woman chimes in, says she has the same, whatever the fuck it was, fucking older

person thing. She chimes in that she has the same thing and it isn't this type, it's that type and it just, it felt like I was on a Seinfeld episode. And then I was just sitting there laughing because she just kept talking to my buddy and he had to turn around and talk to her and I was muttering to him going like, I want to see how good your rapid up skills are, how are you going to get out of this one? And he turned back laughing going, I don't know, do we have to change the subject? Because she kept shining in it.

Do we have to talk quieter? Didn't she hear us right now? But I don't know, I thought I was an LA guy. I've just been coming back to New York too much lately and I'm starting to feel like I want to live back here again, which is scaring me because I have so many friends and a whole life out in LA. But I mean, I'm doing F as a family, so I can't come back, but I never thought, I thought I was a lifer out in LA, but I'm coming back here and I'm kind of liking it.

So this is the exact same feeling I used to have when I would go out to LA from New York after I swore I would never live out in LA again. But then I'm also thinking like, Bill, is this just how you're wired where after a while you just get tired of a fucking place and then you want to, I don't know, oh, by the way, rest in peace, Greg Allman. Jesus Christ, end of an era. The amount of fucking people dying, by the way, it's just scaring me because it used to be like people that when I was a little kid I would watch their shit and they were

already old, you know, when the Bob Hopes, the Bing Crosby's, the Dean Martins, the Sammy Davis Juniors, the Frank Sinatra's, all of them, you know, all of them were starting to pass in a way, but they were old, Telysa Wallace, you know, Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, all of those guys, Paul Newman, Steve McQueen, all of them, Yule Brenner, Jesus Christ, Bill, we get it. They were all fucking way before my time. A lot of them were first generation or they came over, you know, like Bronson came over from Poland.

He worked in like coal mines and shit. And now it's catching up to where the fuck I am. You know, Batman died, Davey Jones died from one of the monkeys, right? He died, all right? Greg Allman died. George Michael, it's creeping up, right? It's starting to creep up to like, now these are like people who were born in the 40s, 50s, a couple of people around 1960, I was born 68, it's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, fucking

pump the brakes here. And this is classic me, right? I can still somehow make somebody else's death about myself. Isn't that nice? All right, so listen to this shit. I went into fucking guitar center for like the first time in years. I never go in there, but my wife was around the corner, you know, taking my lovely daughter to some doctor's appointment, you know, whenever she goes over there, she, my daughter cries

and stuff. I don't like it. I don't like it. I know she comes out better. I know the doctor's amazing. I don't like going over there, you know, you know, I just don't, you know, your daughter gets shots and shit or whatever. By the way, we did the total immune thing and my daughter's fine, by the way.

We did all of that shit. Thank God. Because everyone fucking was scaring the shit out of you, like, don't, don't fucking get them vaccinated for the mumps. That's going to cause this. It's going to cause that. And what I finally did was I realized everybody telling me that none of them were wearing lab coats and none of them had medical degrees framed in pictures behind me.

And I said, I'm going to roll the dice with the person that went to school for this shit. And we did. And she's fine. She's totally alert. Smiles and all that type of shit. There was nothing bad happened. Thank fucking Christ. But I don't like to be there when that shit goes down.

So I just said, listen, I'm going to fucking, I'll be around the corner. I'm going to go buy some drumsticks, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I walk into guitar. And I'm there right as it's 10 minutes before it opens. It finally opens and I go upstairs to their drum department, you know, because they always, they always banish drums to the back of the music. They always like, oh, fuck yourself, right? Guitar is the hot chick, you know, or it sort of used to be.

Now I'm finding the electronics, all this, that whole generation of like DJ music and all that shit is like, that's becoming, coming up more to the front of the store or becoming a larger surface area of the store, which is another thing making me feel old. Other than all these people that, you know, where I remember, like they were young. That's what I'm just trying to say. They were like young when I was young. They were like in their 20s and shit. And now they've lived a full life and are dead.

And I'm like, how the fuck does that happen? It's like, well, Bill, you're 49 and 20 years, you can be 69, you can be pushing 70. That's how fast it fucking goes. So I don't even know what the fuck my point was, Jesus Christ, am I going to die in this week? So I go over to the fucking guitar center and I walk in. So I go upstairs to buy some drumsticks and I'm there so fucking early. There's like nobody there.

So I walk up and I grab my drumsticks that I always get, you know, get a 5B, right? And I fucking, well, I'm gonna try electronic drum kits, you know what I mean? They got that sick ass Roland one that has like literally like a regular acoustic look and bass drum is fucking around on that thing. That thing's amazing. Oh my God. If you want to ever feel like you're ready to play a fucking arena, sit down on one of those fucking Roland kits.

And this is not free advertising. I'm just calling a spade a spade. They're fucking unbelievable. So anyways, I'm looking around and I sit behind this one kid and I go to hit the bass drum and they got this head on it that looks like a regular head and it barely makes any noise. I'm like, what the fuck is this? What is this technology? I didn't know this existed.

And then I was looking and they had the little quest love breakbeat kit and then they had another one, like an upgraded version of that, which was the sonar kit. And I was like, oh fuck, look at these little ass things. And then they got these heads that make no fucking noise, right? What the fuck? I just, I don't know. I just started looking and I'm like, father's day is coming up this weekend. How about happy father's day to me?

Because I got one of those, my garage, I got this DW, like those practice pad kits and those things fucking suck. You can't get through a song without something falling off. They just suck. I fucking hate the thing, all right? I want to get rid of it. So I'm sitting there going, all right. I ordered a drum kit and I have a studio space ready to go.

But I didn't realize, I thought I could just go down and get the drum kit, but the color I wanted, I had to order it and it's not going to be here for fucking two months. So now what do I do? What do I do in the meantime? And then suddenly I get this idea. I go, I know I'm going to buy one of these little fucking martini kits here, all right? I'll keep the regular heads on and I'll just play in the studio space on the small kit. And then when my real kit comes, I'll just get rid of the DW one in my garage and put

the silent heads on it. And I can just practice on that when I don't have time to drive out of the fucking little studio space. This is perfect. So then I was like, what do I do? What do I get? The Ludwig Buy American Questlove or the Sonar kit, Phil Rudd, AC DC, Steve Smith, right? Benny Grebb, all these monsters play on these fucking things.

And I actually ended up going with the Sonar kit. Bass drum was a little bit deeper, the floor time wasn't a 13, it was a 14. And it was a badass little bebop kind of kit and I've gone off the fucking rails listening to jazz drummers. I never understood it. And now with my great drum teacher and everything, I'm starting to understand it. To the point, if I saw you the text messaging that I had, the drum nerd text messaging that I had with my drum teacher, oh, before I say that, by the way, what is so amazing about

getting rid of that John Bonham setup that I had, is now the whole world of what the fuck do I want to play has opened up. And I don't have any drum kit already taken up space that was somebody else loved and I love them. So now I'm going to try to step into their shoes and it never fucking works. That is completely gone. And now I'm just looking at all these different drum setups going, I had fucking like a little bit of that with a little bit of this, it's unreal.

So I buy the thing and I'm supposed to walk back over to the doctor's office with a pair of drumsticks and get back in the car with my lovely wife, my beautiful daughter. But now I bought a little drum kit. So I got this giant box. So I just ended up going, all right, fuck this, I got to take a picture of the box. I just stood in the back garage, they got a parking lot behind the place. I was just like, yeah, I kind of bought something and I just took a picture of the box with the sonar kit and I just wrote, happy Father's Day to me.

Nia's cool as shit. She just wrote, oh Jesus, she's so fucking cool. She doesn't give a shit, right? So she pulled up and then I opened up and I'm like, great, we got the fucking little hatchback fucking thing here and I opened it up in the goddamn strollers in there so I had to move shit around and do all this fucking stuff. And I got to tell you, I cannot fucking wait. I'm moving into my little studio thing tomorrow and I cannot fucking wait.

And as I mentioned, I've gone off the rails, listen to these jazz drummers, and I am now convinced that Tony Williams is the greatest drummer of all time and it's not even fucking close. I don't want to start a debate. I know I just did. The fucking guy's unbelievable. And I never understood what he was doing. Other than that, he was playing 90 million miles an hour on his ride cymbals.

So I was listening to this album, Miles Davis, Miles Smiles, and there's a song on there called Footprints. And it's one of those things that when I was younger, meaning like 46 or 47 before I started taking lessons, it would have just sounded like five guys playing five different songs. And then that Tony Williams was doing this Keith Moons shit underneath it where he was just soloing or whatever. And I was, when I first was listening to it, the only thing I could kind of, that was consistent was the bass line.

It was this bass line going, and I was just counting that I'm going, okay, it's in six. It's in six and it's, and I don't know what Tony's doing and it's, he's playing 90 million miles an hour, but what's amazing about the song is in the middle of it, Tony slows down and it's almost like he's like, okay, stupid. It's in four. All right. And here's where it is. Here's where beat two is.

And here's where beat four is. And then after that, he only does that for a couple bars and he speeds up again. It's like a drum class. And then it's like, oh my God, this guy's playing eighth notes. Okay. Against what this guy's playing. That sounds like it's in six, but it's really just almost like three against four. I know this is nerdy drum shit, but there's got to be a drummer out there that understands

it. And then he's doing that metric modulation thing, which there wasn't even a fucking name for what he was doing to describe it where then as he's playing eighth notes, that the eighth notes, then he implies that that each one of those hi-hat hits is the two and four and plays the jazz that ding, ding, ding, ding, ding against that. And then the E and the top become the, the, the fucking one in the three. And he's playing that underneath all of their shit. So the rest of the band, I guess, is sort of playing in an implied six while he's playing

four underneath it, doing this metric modulation to the four. What fucking blows my mind is that he's playing at that fucking level and at roughly the same year I was joking with my teachers that that song by the Archies Sugar came out and was like a number one hit. And he's doing that. And you know, they sell, like, 190th of the fucking albums that a song, ah, sugar. You know, I heard a story about that song that there's a keyboard solo, which I mean, I don't know shit about music.

I always consider it a hacky solos. When you take the solo, when you take a solo and all you do is just play the melody of the song. So that was basically what the studio musician on Keys was instructed to do. So he's reading the sheet music and he was playing the solo to that song. And evidently he started laughing when he was playing it because it sounded like some five-year-old shit. But of course that sells a zillion albums, which brings me back to the Golden State Warriors. Jesus, I'm going a long way. Where people are going, yeah, this is bad for basketball.

Why is it getting such high ratings? I'll tell you why. Because the Archies outsell Miles Davis. There you go. Go fuck yourself. I'm done talking about the NBA. So anyways, I got a little sonar kit. I'm so fucking excited to play it.

I can't wait. I'm not going to have any time. I won't have any fucking time to do it. But every once in a while, old daddy daycare, you know, my little princess. That's why I call them my little princess. You know, babies have those cute little fat hands. Every morning I wake up, I put my little index finger in her hand. You know, they always squeeze it.

And then I bring it. Oh, good morning, princess. And I kiss a little fat baby hand. You know, and you wouldn't think that within 20 minutes of that I could get in my car and have road rage. But I do. You would think at some point I could be like, you know what? You know, it doesn't get any better than that. But you know, I end up having these fucking problems.

Can it ever just, sorry, just to deal with the recording here. I'm on the road. I'm on the road here. Had to set it down here so I can type in my fucking password here. But yes, I am on a Tony Williams. Like I've disappeared down the rat hole. Just it's over. I am completely out there.

All of these years, always loving him, but not getting, you know, I saw him live and I had no idea what the fuck he was doing. I just knew he was one of the greats and I went to go see him and he had, you know, he had the yellow grudge kit. I mean, this was, we died 97. I probably saw him in like 92, 93, 91 somewhere in Boston. And I mean, I was in a room. There couldn't have been more than like 100 people there, 80, 100 people, little jazz place. And I told you this before and during the break, I could, I walked up and I just was looking at his whole setup. You know, he had the black dot heads, the big like, you know, 15 inch high hats and shit.

I saw everybody. I told you, I told you guys this before I saw Louis Belson. He just stood there next to his kit. You went up and shook his hand. It was nuts. It was fucking nuts. By the way, I did an episode of Jay Leno's show, his car show, which I didn't know Jay Leno's garage. I've always been a fan of the website, but I did an episode of it.

I don't know when it's going to be coming out, but I don't know if this is going to make the cut of, you know, the final episode of it. But it was weird. I was going to be doing his show and I was reading all this Tony Williams, Miles Davis shit. And I learned about this jazz club in Peabody, Massachusetts. That's no longer there. It was called Lenny's on the Turnpike. It was this little hole in the wall and all these guys used to play there. And so then I'd be, I don't know, I was reading about Miles and it said he had a gig there.

Then I was like Peabody, Massachusetts, Jesus Christ, I know what that is. So then I started reading about the jazz club. That's what it was. I learned out that Jay Leno used to open for the, you know, used to play there. So then I'm like, holy shit, I'm working with him in a week. I got to ask him. So I asked him about it and he talked about fucking opening for Miles Davis at Lenny's on the Turnpike. I said, holy shit, what was it like to meet that guy?

He goes, you know, he goes, he was kind of distant. I go, really? And he was kind of, you know, I mean, the guy obviously had a reputation for being a little bit moody. But he was also, he said, this is what he said. He goes, dude, you got to understand this was, it was Boston in the early 70s, as bad as Boston is now. It was like a thousand times even more racist back then. And he was a black guy driving around in a Ferrari. He used to get pulled over like every five feet.

So he said, Jay was saying that, you know, when basically by the time he met Jay, he kind of had his fill of white people. So anyways, Let me read some advertising here this week. And if anybody else knows any, like, cool shit from that fucking era for me to listen to. I mean, it just fascinates me how like jazz was like the mainstream and then blues and R&B and then, you know, white people turned it into rock and roll or whatever. That that ended up taking over. And it's just like, yeah, well, it was gonna because the direction of jazz just kept growing and growing, growing to the point that shit that I was just explaining to you guys. It took me 30 years to understand what the fuck was going on.

Just as a regular person, you're going to lose the mainstream at that point. But you got to give it up to those guys for having the balls to just say, yeah, well, fuck it. This is the direction we're going in. They have to be like the level that they were playing. They had to know that half the fucking audience had no idea what was going on. Or you just play into a whole crowd full of musicians, right? I know I'm in way over my head. Who the fuck am I?

Who am I? I'm just a community doesn't fucking podcast here. All right, let's Jesus, we got a couple of reads here. All right, frame bridge, everybody. Mother's Day is right around the corner. You got to be fucking kidding me. This is how low on the totem pole men are. They're already advertising Mother's Day.

It's around the corner. It's fucking 11 months away. I'm fucking with you. You know, obviously what they did. They forgot to put Father's Day in there. Who gives a shit? It's your dad. Go get him a belt.

Give him something else to beat you with. Get him some strong cologne so you know he's coming down the hall. You get a chance to fucking jump out the window. All right, Mother's Day is right around the corner. Father's Day is right around the corner. God damn it. Mother's Day makes it so easy to give a thoughtful gift that will last for years. Order in minutes without ever leaving the house and they'll ship your custom gift straight

to your mom's door with a personalized gift note. This is fucking hilarious. Your dad's door. Is this the right shit? Does your dad want a picture? Go to framebridge.com. I would. If my daughter got a frame picture, the two of us, oh, God, that melt my heart.

I would like that frame picture so much I would try to figure out how to stick it in my wallet with the frame. Go to framebridge.com. Choose your frame or let their designers help you choose. Upload your photo from your computer or directly from Instagram. Preview your photo online in the frame you choose. Can't upload your photo or art. No worries.

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Unless your dad doesn't like sports and I don't know what. You guys both looking through a fucking, what is this? I don't even know what it's called. Not a magnifying glass. What's the thing? A microscope. Whatever you smart people do. Zip, zip, zip.

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Go to zip. That's it. I don't even say recruiter anymore. I just yell. All right, legal zoom. Last one. In order to successfully run your own business, attention to detail is so critical. One contract slip-up or legal misunderstanding can really set you back.

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You don't want to deal with this. You know what I am, and I'm proud of it. So don't waste your valuable time trying to wrap your head around all the fine print. That's true. All successful people, you know what they do? They delegate. They delegate. They delegate.

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Since LegalZoom isn't a law firm, go to LegalZoom.com today and be sure to enter Code Burr in the referral box for special savings. Only at LegalZoom.com. All right. Mercifully, my reading out loud is over. You know, last week, am I somehow doing an hour? I'm having such a good fucking time here. All right. I got to read this thing, and then I'm out of here.

All right. Last week, or Monday, I should say, I read this. We had the heading to an email question, and we did not have the email. Andrew Thamelis apologizes profusely, and I had to stop him from committing Harry Carey. All right. Lady-needing advice. Don't want to go to male's friend's wedding. Hey, Bill, I really enjoy the advice portion of your podcast and could use an objective opinion.

I am a lady and have a male friend that I've been friends with since I was 10 years old. I'm now 29. You know what, guys? I got to apologize for something. I have this great bit I can't wait to try out tomorrow night, and I literally was thinking about the joke I wanted to do and how far I was going to take it while I read all of that. So I have no idea what's going on in this email. Just please forgive me as I reread this.

I am a lady and have a male friend that I've been friends with. Well, you just said you were friends. I have a male friend that I've been enemies with. I have a male friend that I've been friends with since I was 10 years old. I'm 29 now. Okay. So you've been friends with this guy for 19 years. Oh, geez.

Did he finger bang you back in the seventh grade? My friend is with this girl that I've never warmed up to. She's a bit now. Wait a minute. Did you always think he was going to ask you? Is that what it is? Maybe not? Bill, why don't you just read the fucking thing?

She's a bit condescending, phony, and I just don't like her. He's in his early 30s. She's 25. Oh, so she's got you on the old odometer there. And they both currently live with his mom, who also happens to be a good friend of mine. They have crappy jobs, don't pay his mom rent or contribute much. But instead, they're putting money back to have a wedding by the end of the year. I love my friend, but he's always been a bit immature when it comes to money, responsibilities.

Why are you still hanging out with these people? These people sound like fucking losers. Walk away. Be thankful you didn't hit your wagon into this shit. I can tell you right now, if you were with this guy and you were living in his mom's house, you would not be friends with his mom anymore. You'd be like, I got to get the fuck out of here. Anyways, they're immature when it comes to money, responsibility, or what it takes to be an adult.

He still depends on his mom a lot. He's 32. This is pathetic. I don't hear a dad in this scenario here. Did he not have a dad? He didn't learn how to be a man, I should say, a mom. When my grandmother recently died, I was devastated, and he asked me for my address. I thought I would get a sympathy card, but instead I got a save the date card.

Oh my God. That's sad and fucking hilarious. It pisses me off that he's a bit of a selfish prick in his own world and also a dumbass for being in such a rush to get married when neither one of them has their shit together. It's difficult for me to be supportive. Before you assume I'm secretly in love with him, which I did, I'm sorry, our friendship has been nothing but platonic, and I recently got married myself. I'm sorry, but this whole thing read like when Harry met Sally, except Harry never moved out. I don't want to go to their wedding. My question is, do you think I should put my shit aside and try to be supportive of my friend since he's happy?

I feel as though our friendship has shifted a ton since he's been with this girl, and it's no longer easy talking to him. This is what you do. You go to the wedding, and then you just gradually back away. You've outgrown these people, okay? That's it. You're married. You have your own fucking life. If he wants to live at home with his mother, with his new wife, whatever the fuck it is he's going to do, you just go there and just having a nice smile on your face, just being happy that you're not on the other side of the eye.

I do. Okay? I'm still not 100% buying the fact that you don't have some sort of feelings for this kid who's now still acting like a kid in his 30s. You're 29. He's 32. He was three years older. You probably said this is perfect. Then you envision him wearing a suit and coming home bringing like Hugh Beaumont at the beginning of Leave It to Beaver with a higher end fucking GM product.

Oldsmobile. Possibly a Buick. Who knows? I don't know. But this is what I would do. You got to let it go. It wasn't meant to be. Okay?

And even if you don't have romantic feelings for this person, all right? If you don't have feelings for this fucking person, I can already tell you the fact that it's so driving you nuts that you had to write into some dope like me doing a podcast. I don't know. The way this is all written, I think you wear your feelings on your sleeve and they're going to know what's up. I would go there, you know, smile away if that's it. And then I would not torture your husband on the way home or the whole night critiquing them about how fucking stupid it is because I can tell you this right now. Your husband doesn't want to fucking go. So what you should go, you should do is you should go there and you should have a great fucking time with your husband.

And you should thank him for not being a fucking loser that lives at home with his mom. There you go. All right? And then go to Frambridge, take a picture of your tits and give it to him on Sunday. That's the podcast, everybody! God bless all of you. God bless America. And that's it.

Get off the internet. Go sit on the stoop and go make some music with your friends. Stop taking life so fucking seriously. Stay away from credit cards. Stay away from the meth. If your doctor prescribes any painkillers that has any opiates in it, do not take them. Tough it out. Just watch there will be blood as you sit there on the couch.

Toughing it out. The fucking guy dragged himself out of the fucking Wiley Coyote mine with a broken leg to go in town just to get a fucking gold nickel. All right? You can do it. All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, your constant. I'll talk to you on Monday. The mountain is high.

The valley is cold. And you're confused from which way to go. So I come here to give you a hand and lead you into a promised land. Come on and take a free ride. All right, overrated relationships. I really want to read this one with you is here. Can you come near the microphone and be a frigging professional in this unprofessional show? Why are you wearing moccasins?

They're my slippers. They're moccasins. Yeah, moccasins slippers. Hey, you got a little Indian blood in your doubt. Yes, you do. I have like one 16. What are you got black feet in you? You get it?

Nothing. I get nothing on that. That was stupid. You know what? What? Go fuck yourself. Relationships. So, sure, they can be good, but are they ever great?

Every married guy I know reminisces about his days as a single man. Married guys warn single guys not to get into relationships. They warn guys with girlfriends to never under any circumstances get married. This is all true. When you're single, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Whatever you want without first filtering your decisions through the desires of a chick who probably doesn't even know what she wants most of the time and is motivated by the worldview of sex in the city.

Wow, this person sounds like a real prize. Yeah, but this is true though. This isn't all women. A lot of women are fucking idiots, just like guys. Wouldn't you say most guys are fucking idiots? I would actually. And aren't most women, aren't most people fucking idiots? Listen, we're all rapable.

But when we talk... All I know is that no one is unrapable. All right, let's continue. Okay, and I am as exotic as a grilled cheese sandwich. I think that might be an instant classic. There wasn't even tomato in that sandwich, was there? Even when the chicks get what they think they want, they're usually still miserable. That's how stupid most of them are.

All right, now he's in my school. He's in my quad. I like this guy. You're never going to make them happy, so why even try? Not being constrained by a relationship is one of the greatest things of all time. It's a man's world. Women need more... Women need men more than men need women.

Most men can thrive alone. Most women can't... He's young. You can tell he's young. He hasn't... Women are still looking at him. He's a fucking idiot is what he is. No, he isn't.

He's learning. I was this guy. Then you realize at some point you're old and women don't care anymore, so you got to grab one and just hang on to him and drag him down with you. Most women can't. Ask any honest bisexual girl and she'll like you tell you that she wants to end up with a man. Jesus, this guy just keeps... Every time I think he's gone as far as he's going to go, he keeps going.

I love him. Enjoy being single unless you're a total fucking failure of a man. You almost always be able to get a girlfriend if you really want one. Realize... Yeah, if you're past a certain age, dude, there's a certain amount of money you have to be making for that to continue to happen. And there's a fucking sadness to that life that I can't even begin to describe. Realize what a blessing your freedom is and never allow desperation to put you in chains.

He's making some good points here. He definitely has some issues with women. Some issues with women? But there's a lot of truth in that, Nia. Enjoy dying alone, asshole. Hey, hey, hey. Well? Well, basically what you just said was that you're a dumb girl.

Why? Because that's what he was attacking. What do you mean? Why am I dumb? Is your world... We were almost out without an argument. But why am I dumb? Because he's attacking women whose worldview comes from sex in the city.

Okay. So somehow you got offended by that. First of all, he's not just attacking women whose worldview is sex in the city. Oh, I think he is. He's attacking all women. Look at... Oh, I know. He was just being...

He didn't say some women. He said all of them. He was just being silly. No. No. Ah, you're right. You're right. Fuck that shit.

Fuck it. Fuck you. No. His mother never hugged him. He's got issues. Well, that's not our fault. What do you mean? Don't drag me into this.

I've relate to this guy. I'm saying are as women. I'm speaking as women. Why don't you just speak for yourself, you fucking delusional jackass? Who elected you? You did. I'm sitting here, aren't I? I didn't say to represent all women's...

I'm not representing all women's, but I think I can say with the clarity that most smart women who see this would be like, go fuck yourself, you douche. Can I just make a comment about the whole married versus unmarried thing? The grass is always greener on the other side. Single people who are alone look at couples and they get a little twinge of like, oh, that's nice. I wish I had somebody to come home to at night that has my back no matter what. That's what you're missing.

You short-sighted moron is that you've got somebody who's there with you, who's going to take care of you, who's going to love you and protect you and have your back. It's not just about like being with someone just to be with someone. We got it. Listen, how do you... Why can't I respond to this person and the way that I want to? Because you're being mean. This podcast...

I'm being mean? This email is ridiculous. This guy's crying out for help. Whatever. This podcast is not about being mean and taking shots of people who can't defend themselves. I thought that's exactly what it was. Took you long enough to figure that out. All right.

No, but there's a great truth in what he's saying here is that a lot of people just jump in a relationship, jump in a relationship, jump in a relationship and it's like relationships are fucking difficult. Yes. Okay? So you better pick the right person or you're going to be fucking miserable. So you are better off to be single and lonely rather than just being in some shit to just be in some shit so you got somebody to fucking make brownies with.

That's what he was trying to say. Yeah, that's true, but he didn't say that. He ended up saying that most chicks are going to be miserable anyway and they all have this stupid worldview. That's true. Most women are going to be miserable and they're never going to be fucking happy. And what are you basing this on? You know something?

You guys always say a good man is hard to find. That works both fucking ways. I understand that. And this is what, well, this motherfucker hasn't found the one yet. So he's going, he's going, he's dating a bunch of... So he's lashing out at everybody because he can't seem to figure out how to make a relationship work and he can't find the value in the relationship. So automatically it's not valuable.

First of all, the only person lashing out is you right now. Well, I'm annoyed at this. You've completely lost your temper. There's a guy here, he writes in, he's looking for a little bit of goddamn guidance. No, he's looking for your approval, that's what it is. He got it. He's fucking hilarious. Um...

I'm underrated, overrated, underrated for this week, uh, overrated, fucking voicemails. Leaving them is the most awkward thing. I've always said that I'm terrible at leaving them, but whenever I say that everyone else, whenever I say that everyone else always says it too. So I'm putting my foot down on the issue and calling it right now, leaving a message for someone on the phone sucks. There's no way to start your message normally without sounding like a douche. And then five minutes later, you realize you've been trailing on and on while saying, uh,

um, too many times, making you want to kill yourself, ending with the inevitable, uh, okay, thanks, bye, reminding them that you're still a douche. Fucking awful. Dude, this is something that's really like an epidemic in this young generation. Is everybody just feeling awkward and feeling like a douche? I don't know what happened to you guys. I think this last generation of fathers, they flipped like, I'm not going to beat the shit out of my kid, not hug him and never tell him that I, that I, that I love him.

Uh, you know, I'm going to do all of that shit and you end up with these people who can't even fucking leave voicemails. What is so awkward, you know? I, you know what? I have a hard time getting off the phone. I forget, I forget what I used to say, but I don't feel awkward, but I just feel like an idiot, I guess. So I guess I kind of relate.

I just go, all right, that's it. I'm out of here. I will say that, but leaving a message. I like leaving messages. I sing on people's voicemails, you know, whenever I call up fucking Bobby, Bobby Kelly or fucking Joey Rosas, I call them up and I, I'll just immediately, I'll just, whatever comes my mind. I'll just start singing.

Who's the cunt that I love the most? Who's that fucker who eats the toast? It's Joey. He's such a big fag. DeRosa, what's going on? It's Bill. Give me a call back. You cunt.

Click. That's it. Why don't you try singing? You can do it for anybody. Hey mom, what's up you sweetie? Thanks for having me 40 years ago. I sent you some flowers you didn't call me. Do you like my siblings better than me?

Click. Right? Why don't you do that? Try that, sir. Try singing first. All right. Underrated, overrated. Underrated.

Sit down to pee if you're a guy. Is it that, how old are you? Is it that hard to stand up? What is wrong with this fucking generation of guys? You know, sitting down to pee, it's actually easier and you don't get varicose veins from all those years to stand. There's nothing better than just pulling out your dick and just fucking peeing all over everything.

You know, you fucking shootin' the toilet paper around, it's fucking good time. Anyways, it says the guy who drives a fucking hybrid. Anyways, there are many benefits to being a guy and sitting down to pee, such as not having to hear your chick complain about peeing on the seat even though it's on the fucking top of the bowl and it's not actually the seat. Yep, here's a guy. He's literally sitting down to pee so his girlfriend will stop yelling at him, okay? I don't know what happened, people.

A hundred years ago, we could hit him with mop handles and I don't know what happened. They got organized and we didn't and now we're sitting down to pee just so they'll stop yelling at us. All right, number two, if you like me and you wake up to pee at night, you don't have to fuck with your eyes and turn on the bathroom lights to aim. Oh, dude, you're taking all the fun out of it. That's how you train your ear. All right, that sounds like the back of the bowl.

Where's the water? That's the floor. There it is. One small step. Number three, not bending down to lift up the seat. You know what, dude? You're a fucking pansy. Not bending down to clean off the seat, less bending in general.

Why don't you just bend over and suck your own dick as you sit on the bowl, you fucking douche? Fuck that guy. Peeing sitting down. You know, what else, sir? What else is overrated? Lifting weights, owning a gun, chewing tobacco, eating steak. What else?

Watch, smoking cigars, fixing your own car. What else, sir? What else is fucking overrated? Everything that makes being a guy fucking awesome, losing your shit because some guy you don't know, Mr. Fieldgoal, that really has no effect on your life. Talking shit. Is that all overrated? Lee Movin.

The only thing that saved you, sir, is you didn't leave your name. So that's the only thing that I can say is I can at least see that there was some sort of shame in your video. Come on and take a free ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on and take a free ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on and take a free ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on and take a free ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on and take a free ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on and take a free ride.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on and take a free ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on and take a free ride.