Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-16-16

Episode Date: June 16, 2016

Bill rambles about owning a boat, pretty woman and hand jobs.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday fucking Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. How's that? Is that the worst? Is that the worst you've ever heard? Dave Keckner reference. Sorry, my voice is a little fucking blown out. I did a record for episode six of the ten that we're doing for season two and I don't

know what the fuck I did to it. Who's getting who? When you know, when you lack talent, what you try to do is you try to be loud so you can shout down all the silence. That's what you do. You throw in a couple of F words, a couple of fucking shit jokes. The next thing you know, you kind of have an act, you know, and you scrape the bottom of the fucking barrel.

That's what you do. And when you scrape the bottom of the barrel, next thing you know, you have your party's nomination for presidency of the United States. You know what's great about this job is I get to meet a bunch of different people and overwhelmingly people on both sides are just going, I don't know who the fuck I'm going to vote for. These are my, these are the, these are the two which is supposed to decide out of the fucking blue between these two fucking lunatics.

I don't get it. Well, I get it. What are you going to do? See the vote more the same or you step off into the abyss. Oh, I swear to God. If Trump didn't hate non whites as much as he seems to, or at least was wasn't so fucking out of touch. I'd almost be excited just to see what, what just, just being a lazy comedian, just how

this guy would just be fucking feeding it to you. You know what I mean? I found Obama was kind of boring. You know, Bush was fun, Clinton was Jesus Christ, Clinton was fucking great. You know, watch, come over here and suck my dick. I mean, it was so easy to get laughs on that guy and then Bush, yeah, they just got old after a while. We get it.

He's fucking stupid. Every fucking week, he was sticking cigars and people's fucking twats. You know, he's bombing people. He's putting on weight. He goes to McDonald's and he's got his fucking thighs out. I mean, that guy, he was, he was a, he was a comedy juggernaut because he kept changing every time you thought, you know, all right, it's this, this and this. And you got this guy down.

He would add another layer. Bush was just kind of hate you. And then another fucking seven years ago, that's like, we get it. He's fucking stupid. And he's not stupid, but he's, I don't know, I'll quote one of my relatives. He's not the best speaker. I don't even, I barely even watched a bomb. A bomb was always like, oh, I always just felt like he was giving me a fucking lecture.

It's like, all right, I never really found any humor. If I found his wife hilarious, fucking going on Ellen and shit and tweeting, you know what I mean? Acting like some seventh grader on Instagram. She was funny, but I don't know about him. Um, anyway, so hopefully whatever, one or the other, I can tell you right now, both of the, either one of them, Hillary or Trump is going to be plenty of fucking material, but then it'll instantly be hacky.

So maybe that's what it is. I don't know. All I know is I got, um, I got, I'm doing this Wednesday night, um, the hockey is over. You get so excited to see somebody win the fucking cup and then, then there's like the next day, like, oh fuck, it's over. Now what do I do? Um, I'll tell you what you do. You get into formula one.

There's another race this Sunday, the fucking, I don't know where the hell it's going to be. Is this the European one? I don't know. I got them all on my phone. There's a couple in July, then there's like one in August, two in September, then like fucking every Sunday in October, there's one, then there's two more in November. And then that's it.

It's pretty fucking easy. They're only a couple of hours. You get to watch somebody go like 20 miles an hour. You get to try to look in the crowd, see all the people that go to the Bilderberg meetings, right? And sacrifice people. And then you see a couple of baskets. This is how much money is in, in, in fucking formula one is when you look at like the A-list

movie stars and like fucking zillionaire, you know, athletes, they have a look on their face like they can't even believe that they're there. They're like, wow, these, these people have money. We thought we had money. And then, then we came here and then we realized that we, we, we, we have money, but we don't have that kind of money, you know, we don't back a fucking yacht into France. He's fucking people back a yacht into France and fucking watch a race and then continue on.

Where do they go? You know, you ever seen those people on the yachts every once in a while? You're like, where the fuck, where are they going? Do you say like you, you cruise underneath the fucking, you got your own mountain? It's incredible. Um, you ever been on a boat just by yourself, whenever I'm on a boat by myself, I always have the same thought. There's no fucking way I wouldn't do something illegal if I owned a boat.

There's no fucking way. The level of freedom that you fucking have, the shit you can, you're on a boat going out of the fucking ocean. All bets are off. You get out into international waters. I mean, it's fucking whatever you say, it becomes your law. Literally, do whatever the fuck you want to do. You're telling me right now, if you had a fucking boat, right?

Being a boss was a dick, right? Just fuck. You know, just so I would have, they promoted a woman, right? Cause they had a fucking check off a box. They got, you were more qualified. You came in every day with your qualified swing and dick and junk and they had enough of it. They told you to stand down and they promoted this lady, right?

You're telling me if you got a boat, right? I don't know how you got the boat. You didn't get promoted. This is my fucking fantasy trash, trash and fucking hypothetical lady, right? I know this is going to be considered misogynistic. This is the woman I ran into the first 90 times I tried to get something on the air. I just feel it's like this. That would be the end of my dream.

But they don't have any power. It's a glass ceiling. Well, I'm running into their shoes over here. Is it banging their head on the ceiling? That was been my experience. Anyways, let's get back to the fantasy. You're telling me if you got a fucking boat, you know, yeah, I don't know, just a kilo of cocaine, just for the fuck of it, just to have the cash laying around your house.

You know what I mean? Get a kegger, have some people over, cook up some steaks. That's the way you do it. When you, when you, if you're a fucking drug, just every once in a while, is there a way to do that in the drug game, as the kids say? Can you just every once in a while deliver a kilo? So no one picks up on it, right? You still drive your dented Prius like me, Jesus, my car needs a fucking bath like you

read about. I literally walked out of a fucking liquor store today. It wasn't for me because I'm on the wagon, buddy of mine got fucking married, so I bought him, I couldn't make it because I was on the road, so I just got him some fucking champagne shit, whatever. And I forgot to get a card, but he'll understand. I'm giving it to him. I'll just say, yeah, yeah, I forgot a card.

He goes, yeah, don't worry, you got the booze. That's what counts. It's all right, buddy. Drink up. I hear you. You hear me? I hear you. Look at my eyes, all right?

It went the same boat. Oh yeah. So anyways, I came walking out of the liquor store and I looked at my car and I go, this thing's a fucking piece of shit, but it isn't. Just on the outside, you know, on the inside, everything's been taken care of, right? I've maintained that thing meticulously. On the outside, it's a mess. On the inside, it's beautiful, you know?

It's like an ugly person, just waiting for somebody good looking to come along and discover that, you know, maybe they have something to add to the conversation, you know? I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So I'm just saying, this is the way, this is, if you're in, if you're selling drugs, this is what you do. If you can just do it like the way Bush went to the fucking Army National Guard, whatever the fuck he did. We just showed up every once in a while, you know what I mean?

Played ping pong, dressed like a sergeant and then you just went home for like fucking six months. That's the way you deal drugs, all right? Your befriended drug deal and you go, listen, this is all I want to do. I got a boat, okay? Every fucking once in a while, you know, every, whatever, be fucking 18 months. You call me up, right? You got a key or something, I throw it on the fucking boat.

I'll have it on ice, you know, the coldest fucking cocaine in the universe and I'll fucking deliver it over here, right? You break me off like fucking 15 grand, all right? Then you just take the cash, you just got it. You got 15 grand in cash and you don't fucking buy yourself anything. You don't go out and buy a fucking flash, you fucking car or any of that shit. All you do, you just have it in a jar or some shit. Every once in a while, big games coming up, you know, UFC event, you fucking order it.

That's what you spend it on. You fucking blow it on your friends, you know, get some fucking barbershop chairs in your house, just some stupid shit, you know, nothing that causes that. That's how you blow your fucking cash, man. You keep shit on the inside, right? You don't drive around some flashy car with your fucking elevator shoes, whatever the kids do today. I don't pretend to know.

That's what I would do, you know? Then every once in a while, I don't know how you get into your bank account. Well, what do you do then if you got to pay for the UFC event? Well, who gives a fuck? You pay for it out of your clean money, you know? And then all the booze money and all the other bullshit, you just take out of the jar. There you go. Be hilarious when you finally get caught, you know, and you just go to trial and just

like, look, I just, every once in a while, it was like every 18 months, it's not even a felony a year, your honor. And you know, I just, I didn't buy anything. I don't even watch this shit. I just, you know, I got the NFL package. I had my friends, everybody had their own leather chair. Have you ever watched those Elvis documentaries? Well, you know, everyone was going to go horseback riding and it wasn't enough.

He bought everybody a horse and he got him a saddle and a little pickup truck to put the saddle in. I did that. And the judge would be like, oh, is that what you did? No, it's great. You can take that, give it nature and go to jail and start giving some hand jobs because it's the United States of America, buddy, you know, if you get a kilo of cocaine, right? And then you fucking take your boat all the way out into international waters, right?

And then I meet you on another boat and then I hand you the key of cocaine and then you give me the money in international waters and we're both captains in what we say goes and we say, uh, um, I say this is legal all in favor and we go, I, I, I, right? Can they do anything? I mean, once it's the dude who comes back in with the fucking kilo, he's in trouble once you, once you get back within the borders. You know what I mean? Can you sit there?

I'm really fascinated with boats now. Can you fucking, I don't even do drugs. This is just fascinating to me. Can you sit and just, just on the other side of international waters with a kilo of cocaine out in the open, just blowing stripes as the Coast Guard's looking at you, just waiting for you to float another 40 feet over and just be sitting there going, I know I am the captain of the ship and international waters and I say this is legal. Yeah, you probably can't do that, right?

Cause you know what they could do is they could just come over and just say that you were, you were within the borders of the U S who's going to fucking know it's their where to get yours. You're out there on the ocean. There's a lot of questions I have about the ocean. This is one of the reasons why I don't have a boat aside from the fact it's just a fucking money pit. You know what I mean?

Can't have a boat. You can have a friend who has a boat. That's the way to do it. Right? It's my brother always said, you don't want a boat, Bill. You want, you want a friend to have a boat. That's the deal. That's what it is.

And then you show up, you know, bring a little tangerine tonic, you're a fucking hero and then you guide ducks to fucking boat. That's it. He's cleaning off the barnacles. You know what I mean? He has to explain what happened to the stewardess. She was here a minute ago. I don't know.

We were drinking and she must have fallen overboard. Right? Then that follows you around for rest of your fucking life. Um, anyways, so what do you guys think? I guess when you listen to this, it's Thursday. So game six in Cleveland tonight, tonight, tonight, um, oh my God, can you imagine if they force a fucking game seven? That would be something else.

You know what I mean? Who knows? Then you go out to fucking, I'm going to give some Cleveland Cavalier fans some advice here. Okay. God willing, they force a game seven. Okay. Cause we're all trying to avoid the dog days of fucking baseball.

You know what I mean? Nobody wants to watch that shit. The baseball players don't want to play the games. They don't. The only reason why they play is cause if they didn't, they wouldn't make as much money. But nobody wants to fucking play baseball from mid June to fucking like the second week of September. Any ball player, if they could fast forward through all of those fucking games and just

get to the exciting part, you know, who's going to win the division, there's nothing better than when it finally fucking matters after fucking 263 regular season, whatever they play, 182 games, whatever the hell it is, 180 games, Jesus fucking Christ. You know, everybody in Chicago getting all excited about the Cubs. You know what I mean? Already rubbing one out. They're going to bust a nut in fucking the beginning of July. You got to pace yourselves.

You're not watching any pornos. Relax. Cubs fans, put your shirts back on, all right? How many fucking times have you fell for this? Not saying I'm rooting against you, but you know, slow your roll here. Cubs fans, the level of excitement they get when you watch them every fucking year, it's literally like watching somebody falling in love with this stripper, you know, and you just sitting there like, what are you doing?

You know, you fuck them. You don't fall in love with them. Right? No, I'm kidding. The part of being a sports fan is the fucking misery, and you've got a belief. That's what you've got to do. Take the kick to the seeds every fucking year, and then maybe one time they actually win it.

Then you talk about that for the rest of your life. Oh, what a year. They still have the newspaper. I framed it. And then your wife throws it out. No. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she's cool.

You know, maybe she watches sports too, but then she's probably fat. You know, it looks like you guys start putting on each other's jeans in the morning. Just these mine. Yeah. I thought they felt weird. Yeah. They're not usually the camel toe fit here. I guess these are yours.

This has got to be the most fucking bizarre podcast I've ever done. It's because I'm fucking exhausted mentally from doing this shit. I got halfway through this podcast. I'm not drinking. And I was watching the Giacomo Pistorius, is that how you say his name? The fucking bass player there. Watching this documentary on him. I read the book on this guy too, and like the beginning is all great.

It's just once he starts going off the rails, you know, so I kind of paused it right at the right part. If you're watching the documentary for the first hour and eight minutes, well actually probably about the hour and three minutes, and then it starts to be like, oh, and then he did this, and then he did that, and then this fucking Japanese, then it's a shit show. So anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Was I talking about boats? No, I was talking about the Cavaliers.

Now, here's some advice to Cleveland Cavalier fans, okay? God willing, you guys force a game six, okay? Not for you, not for your city, not for your fans, for me, okay? Because I want another game. I want two more fucking games tomorrow night, and I want another one, okay? Or I slip into the sporting abyss, you know, and I don't give a fuck that you only have to wait another six weeks before, you know, pre-season football starts. I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck about the draft. I don't give a fuck about pre-season. I don't give a fuck about analysis. I don't give a shit about the projections. I don't give a fuck about any of it. Let me know when it counts. I am so fucking sick of watching people standing up on a fucking in front of a goddamn screen trying to explain to me what the fuck I just saw, what happened, and why it happened.

I don't give a shit. I get it. You played the game, and you understand it on a level beyond me. You know, just, I don't know. Just fucking show who won, talk over the highlights, and end the fucking thing. You're going to sit around and have goddamn debates. You know, what do you think was happening to Trump? Well, I think the problem was, everybody knows, I don't know shit about basketball, but I

can tell you right now, if you're fucking the Cavaliers as a fucking comedian, I know what they're doing wrong, at least I think I do. I would think if you're up by eight points against a team that can shoot the fucking lights out, you'd want to throw the ball around a little bit when it was in your possession, rather than whoever gets the ball and crosses fucking midcourt just says, I'm shooting it, right? It doesn't even pass the ball, and you take like two seconds off the clock. It's probably not what you want to do, right?

See that? I'm a comedian. I can figure that out. Do I need four people in fucking, well, three people in suits, and you got to get a lady in there, right? She's got to fucking, she's got to run her, yeah. She's got to put her fucking two cents in, right? You know, one of the worst fucking things ever is to be a beautiful woman, you know,

and you're with a really successful guy, you know, and you just go around to parties and then you just stand next to the guy going, is he going to introduce me? Is he going to introduce me? You get one time, hi, and then you just stand there. The other night I did a gig, and there was a scene afterwards, and there was all these fucking, you know, rich people with their beautiful wives, and I just, I don't know, I just started watching the wives after a while. I don't know, why don't they peel off and talk to each other?

It's sort of a weird thing, well, they just got to stand there smiling. You can see their face hurting, you know, their feet hurt from the fucking pumps. It's fucking brutal. If you're a beautiful woman, what you should do, you got to marry like a fucking six who just can't believe that he's with you, because he'll let you go out and wear some fucking flaties, some moccasins, he doesn't, you don't have to jack it up in the air and stand there smiling next to him, like one of those fucking psychos on the price is right, waiting to fucking act like they're amazed about a washer and a dryer.

You got to stand next to your fucking guys wearing a sport coat, trying to cover up his fucking mantits, and you got to sit there smiling like you're happy, you know, putting your fucking makeup on like some clown that's about to be shot out of a fucking cannon. You don't need that shit. What are you doing? They got to start, well, I tell you, these fucking good-looking women that marry these really successful guys and then just stand next to him smiling, you know, for the whole fucking evening, like a stewardess at the end of a flight, except the fuck, it takes

four hours for everybody to get off the plane. Goodbye. Thank you for flying. Hi. You know whose fault that is? It's their fault. It's their goddamn fault for getting yourself into that fucking position at some point in the relationship.

You got to say, listen, hey, Mark, sit down, we got to talk. Guess what? Fucking Susie ain't putting on the shoes tonight. All right, deal with it. Not standing next to you, smile, you want to go to a fucking brunch and stand next to me smiling with some aftershave on for fucking four hours? I didn't think you did. Shut up.

I'm not finished. At some point, you got to have that conversation. You know, I'm not trying to be mean here. This is supposed to be empowering. I'm saying you have the power to not just fucking stand there smiling like a goddamn, I don't know what it is. You know, I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't even know if I saw that or I watched an episode of House of Cards.

You know, House of Cards, I lasted like three episodes. I just got sick of him fucking turning me, talking to me. It's like, dude, will you just live your life? Stop talking to me. That right there is the Secretary of State. He doesn't know that I'm fucking his way. Shut up. I get it.

I get it. Stop talking. What is this? The Wonder Years? For adults? Oh, God, I'm in a grumpy fucking mood. I love Kevin Spacey. Why would I say these things?

Why would I say these things? Because I'm mentally fucking exhausted. And I got another eight minutes where I got to run my fucking yap. Running my yap on the Thursday afternoon podcast, talking about issues. What else? I don't know that I have anything else. I still haven't watched Peaky Blinders because I'm trying not to drink. And there's no way to watch that show and not want to fucking start just pounding.

Maybe I'll wait till like the 4th of July. I'll just watch. That's what I'll do. That's a good way to spend the 4th of July. I'll ignore my wife and just get blind drunk watching a show that she can't understand. I put on the subtitles, but Nia's just not into it. She just doesn't give a fuck. We actually had this argument the other night.

She goes when we go to bed, she puts on the TV and she always has her shows on. What's fucking hilarious to me is she's always coming at me about my temper and my yelling and flipping out, screaming at lamps and shit or yelling at the TV or my computer. Me and my computer, if you ever heard the way I yell at my fucking computer, you know like that couple that just needs to fucking break up. We got in my neighborhood, dude, I'm telling you like fucking two houses up. They've been very good lately, but I'm telling you, there's like times like you're literally like waiting to hear the gunshot.

It's just fucking insane the way they scream at each other. It's the most unhealthy fucking relationship, you know, I've ever heard and I got to be honest with you, man, you know, sometimes I hear it and I just, I go out of my porch and I just listen, you know, light up a cigar and just enjoy it like it's a show. Now I'm fucking with you, I don't, but anyways, so she's always getting on me about my temper and shit. You know what's fucking hilarious? Almost every fucking show she watches, it's just a bunch of people screaming and yelling

at each other. Those reality shows that are just wall-to-wall clams, that's all, I mean, you would think all these feminists out there who are sitting there, trashing men up and down, all the bad stuff we do to them, admittedly, you know what I mean? We make you stand next to us and smile for an entire fucking party. You know, oh, I'm sorry, this is my wife, oh, I'm sorry, this is the person I committed my life to. Oh, I'm sorry, did I not, did I not even acknowledge that you were fucking here?

They deal with that all fucking night, right? All that bullshit, I know we do that shit, but you would think that these fucking feminists, right? You think that they would have issues with these fucking reality shows because the way they depict women is I don't give a fuck how many pairs of shoes, how big the fucking houses, how much jewels they got hanging off of them, they're still gonna bitch, they're just fucking bitching each other out. She was watching one of these shows, right?

And there was just like, I don't know, 15, it seemed like there was 15 or 20 of them, so you know there was probably just three, but that's the amount of noise a fucking woman can make, right? Three of them will sound like 15, it's like their defense mechanism because generally speaking they can't beat the shit out of men, but if they just start complaining, it just sounds like a platoon and you're back down, right? Instead of giving all three of them one of those Moe slaps, you know, and all three stooges would get slapped at once.

Anyways, one of the episodes I saw like, you know, like I said, it sounded like 15, so realistically it was probably like six of them, right? They went to like Rome or some shit, and I'm thinking, all right, finally they got these fucking women out of this cul-de-sac, now they can be excited to be in Rome, they go to fucking Rome, they do the same goddamn thing. You know, this bitch come up to me, start talking about, it's like you're in Rome, you dumb fuck, go look at something, go eat some food. I know it's just a show, but whatever, she watches that shit and I'm just laying there,

I hate the fucking show, I'm trying to go to sleep and I just, she just watches these fucking shows where they scream and yell at each other, now she's watching a fucking show that's about a show that's a show that's like that, it's a show about one of those reality shows, like The Bachelor, you know what I mean? And I don't, I don't, I don't, what, what, what, what, what the fuck do I know, right? 26 minutes, let's read a little bit of advertising here, why don't we do that, all right? Type in the password, you wouldn't want anybody to break into your computer bill with all your secrets, all my fucking slap fight videos that I watch, why don't I have a fucking password,

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playing some goddamn place, all right, all of the dates are available on billbird.com, guess what everybody, the fucking Belfast tickets are already on sale, I'm doing two shows out there and I think Dublin, guess who the opener's gonna be, when I say Joey, you say Rosa's, Joey, yeah, Joe de Rosa, Joe de Rosa, where there's something, something, and there's something, I was supposed to read some all think comedy thing too, where the fuck is this thing, where is it, hang on a second, hang on a second, all things comedy, here we go, here we go, weekly tweet, all right, all right, you know what, I'm not gonna tweet about this, I'll talk about it, Yannis Papis, one of the funniest motherfuckers coming up,

all his characters and all his stand-up has a new debut album called Let Me Be Yannis, you get it, instead of Let Me Be Honest, Let Me Be Yannis, this Greek son of a bitch, it's available today on all things comedy records, I got a tweet about this, I was supposed to do this five fucking days ago, what an asshole, I'm gonna tweet about that right now, all right, this has been the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I just checked in on you, be a little music here, and then we'll play a half hour of shit from a podcast a long time ago, maybe a little bit of time ago, but it's not gonna be this one, all right, you can't have a great weekend.

Fallin' farther from just what we are Smoke a cigarette and laugh some more These conversations kill Fallin' faster in my car Time to take her home Her dizzy head has come to the sleigh Time to take her ride and leave the day No conversation

Time to take her home Her dizzy head has come to the sleigh Time to wait too long, to wait too long, to wait too long Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, it's the Monday morning podcast. What is it? 148, 149, there we go, just changed West Coast time, and I'm in a great fucking mood. I'm not in a goddamn airport, you know? Why do I always say, you know, like you're gonna fucking talk back to me? No, I'm in a great mood, I'm actually in my apartment laying in my bed, chillin', the fuck out, and I'm in a great mood, even though I had a fucked up week.

Really, Bill, you had a fucked up week, why is that? I'm gonna tell you, I've been making jokes over the last four months about me driving a dented hybrid and talking about how emasculating that is, you know? It's like already I'm driving a hybrid, so I had to deal with everybody going, dude, what are you a fag? You know what I mean? Suggesting that because I'm making the air a little bit cleaner, that for some reason that on some level that means I want to suck a dick, which is, it's very childish, yet effective, yet effective. It's very hard in a group situation, one-on-one maybe you can defend it, but in a group situation when somebody yells out, what are you a fag? What ends up happening is even guys who aren't in the social circle will start laughing, and then it's like, you know, you're fucked. People are laughing at the question of, what are you a fag? Like if you suck dick or whatever, do you just start talking about how you're thinking about the environment?

That actually digs the hole deeper. People are like, well, maybe, yeah, look at him. He's talking about the environment. Only people who are into the same sex are into the environment. You know what's funny actually about the hybrid is when I bought it a year ago, I got a ton of shit for it. People made fun of the little tires and everything else, you know? But as gas prices have crept up, I think like 460 to 470 out here in Los Angeles, all of a sudden people are now coming up to me being like, so what's the deal with those cars? They, you know, then they ask the usual dumb questions like, can they go up a hill? No, no they can't. Fortunately, everywhere I want to go involves driving on a perfectly level surface, if not a little bit downhill.

And then I take the long way around and somehow I get back without having to go back up the hill, I just fucking drove down. I mean, who the fuck would sell a goddamn car that doesn't go up a hill? You know who asked me that question? It was my mother. My mom asked me that. You were on a hybrid. Can it go up a hill? No mom, I moved to Nebraska. Moved to Nebraska, that's what I did. And it's funny, there's no hills in Nebraska. But there are tornadoes. Okay, so this is what happened. I've been driving around this fucking vented car. Oh, if you're new to my page, this is the Monday Morning Podcast, and I do one of these every single week. You know, people ask me questions, people send me information, and whatever.

And I babble about my life while I hype upcoming gigs, like the fact that I'm going to be doing stand-up on the Guy's Choice Awards this Sunday night, June 22nd on Spike TV. Guy's Choice Awards, I believe it comes on somewhere between 8 at night and 4 in the morning. No, I think it's 10 o'clock. I don't know when the fuck it is. If I was organized, I'd know that. But I did six minutes of stand-up that day, I believe I'm going to whittle down to three minutes. And I had a great time, and there were a bunch of famous people there, and I was jumping up and down like a Girl Scout. Inside, outside, I was playing it cool. Like, hey there, a person who I've always admired. How are you? Yes, nice to meet you too. And inside, I was like, oh my god, I can't believe I just shut their hand. And they said, nice job, you're funny. It was a thrill. I had a great fucking time.

So I got that coming up. Oh, also this week, I'm going to be at the Punchline in Atlanta, one of my favorite clubs. See, look at what a great mood I'm in. Listen to last week's podcast. That was not a good mood. That was me in an airport wanting to get the fuck out of there. Oh, and by the way, for those weekly listeners of my podcast, you know, I was going from Raleigh trying to get back to LA because it's fucking Raleigh. There's no direct flight. I had to fly from Raleigh up to Cleveland. And then from Cleveland to fucking LA, well, my Raleigh took Cleveland. The flight was late because wind, if you remember, and by the time I got to Cleveland, my flight to LA had already left, so I had to spend five fucking hours in the goddamn Cleveland fucking airport with a $15 voucher to spend five hours in that fucking airport.

And I did my usual. I flipped out a little bit. I was like, $15. And the lady's like, well, you know, I actually hooked you up. They usually, I gave you the dinner voucher. The lunchtime voucher is only eight. You know, that's one of those times you just want to reach across and just grab someone by the throat, even though they didn't make the rule just to make you feel better and be like, bitch, you're not giving me fucking eight dollars to sit in this fucking airport for eight hours. All right? I want fucking 30 bucks. And I want free internet. That's what I want. Okay, I don't want some $15 voucher, so I can go get a chicken sandwich with mushrooms. Oh, shit, was that good? God damn it, I had a good chicken sandwich in there. It all worked out.

So anyways, this is what happened this week. So anyway, so I've been driving around this my hybrid that was dented. It got dented initially because some douchebag backed into me and I got that fixed immediately. And then the next time it got dented was because my girlfriend, I don't know, she misspoke in a parking way. I put it that way and she fucking, I don't know what she did, but it came home and it looked like fucking Bigfoot had a pair of Timbalands on and stomped the goddamn quarter panel. So I've been driving around with that, right, with scrape marks on the side. It just, you know, as a man, you don't want to have a car with a dent in it. It just makes you feel like a fucking loser. Forget about the fact that it's a hybrid

and it has those little fucking search roll-up-sized tires. Okay, so I finally get the thing fixed after four months, you know, because I want to make sure she learned how to parallel park, you know, for she fucked the thing up again. So that's taken care of. So I get the goddamn thing fixed. This is how excited I am. All right, my girl comes to pick me up at the airport. As I'm hugging her, right, like World War II just ended, I'm looking over her shoulder, looking to see that there's no dent in the car. And you know what I mean? It's almost like I was cheating on her in like an automotive kind of way.

So I was excited. The fucking thing looked great. Everything was fantastic. And I drove this car. It was on Monday. Thursday, I go over to my management's office. I valet the fucking thing. One of those deals where, you know, I valet it, but I park it because there's a spot right there. I go to my lunch. I come back from lunch. And there's a fucking dent in my car again. The exact same spot, the exact same size. So now it's the bumper. And I swear to God, I never understood the expression. I was beside myself. I never knew what the fuck that meant, but when in that moment, I get it.

It's some sort of out-of-body experience. Well, I was just, I had to look at my driver's license plate. Like seven times. I was like, there's no fucking way that's my car. This just can't be my car. And I just kept looking down and it was my fucking car. So then I look over at the valet. Okay? Mind you, it's in the exact same spot and they're not looking at me. This is all shit I put together afterwards, but I was so flustered. I came up there and I was like, what happened to my car? That fucking voice went up like nine octaves. I wasn't even mad.

I was literally like, I felt like I was going to faint. You ever see those old movies where they got some broad, you know, they get those dresses down to the floor that have like 52 layers of underwear underneath them? That's what I should have had on one of those, a fucking hoop skirt. And I should have just fainted with one of those little umbrellas that you spin around and it doesn't really keep the rain of the sun off you. It's just supposed to make you look more attractive. I should have been holding one of those and that's how flustered I was.

So the fucking parking attendants are like, I'm like, what happened to my car? They were just like, somebody hit it, somebody hit it. I'm like, who hit it? I don't know. We backed it over there and somebody hit it and fucking did it. You know, every fucking word sounded like it started with a D, you know? So I'm like, I can't fucking believe it. And then they give me this sheet of paper to fill out. You know, right there they should have told me that they fucking did it because someone else hit me.

First of all, if you saw the fucking dent in this car, there's no way these guys didn't hear it, you know? And they just automatically give me this form saying that I guess they're going to pay for it. So I'm filling this shit out and it wasn't until I drove away that I started thinking about it. I pulled over and I'm looking at the dent and it's the exact same shape as the poles in the garage. So obviously one of those fuckers drove it into a pole and then after they drove it into a pole, they stuck it back in the space where I had left it and then tried to fucking, then they were looking down, not making eye contact. I think they were trying to hope that I didn't see it.

You know what? I hope one of those fucking guys is one of my listeners every week. All right, dude, why don't you just fucking come clean and let me know you did it, okay? I know why because you don't want to get fired, right? Is that what it is? I just can't fucking believe it, man. It is so goddamn depressing. My fucking car has got another goddamn... I just got to fix four days. I drove around for four days. I don't understand it. You know what I mean? It's not like when my car didn't have a dent in it, I started driving around making fun of people who had dents in their cars

so there was some sort of fucking karma going on where I didn't deserve to not have a dented fucking car. So that's it. Now, it's unreal, man. I can't have a car. It doesn't have a fucking dent in it. And I really wish I didn't tell this story because I started off in a great mood and as you can tell by my tone, I'm not in such a great mood anymore. It's just really fucking frustrating. I tell you, it's extra frustrating. They gave me this piece of paper with some lady's name on it and they're like, yeah, she doesn't call you in the next five days.

Give me a call. And like I said, I was so beside myself, I said, okay. And it wasn't until day three, I was like, wait a minute. Somebody doesn't call me in the next five days. How about the next five fucking minutes? You fucking idiot, you're ruining my car. Oh, this phantom lady ruined it. And then you got in it, in it for some fucking reason and put it back in the same spot. You five foot two inch fucking jackass.

I just off. Maybe that's why he put a dent in it. He gave his C over the fucking steering wheel. All right, you know what? I listened back to last week's podcast and I just really felt like I sounded like I was too goddamn upset on it and I was too depressing. So I tried to start this one off and try to stay focused in a good mood and look what happens. Put them at 13 minutes in and I'm already flipping out again.

Anybody else? Anybody else got any fucking stories out there like that? It can make me feel better. Maybe I could read to some of the listeners. I want to hear some of your, I fixed my car or I just bought a brand new car and then some fucking cunt. Jesus, I'm not dropping the C board. All right, let's get back to my dates here. Okay, so that's the deal. I have a dent in hybrid again.

Yeah, let's think of some positive shit. The Celtics won one game like they had two out in LA. One of the greatest comebacks ever and they get two more in Boston. Let's hope they're going to win it. I actually went to game three. Celtics lost that one, but it was still awesome to go to the finals. But I got to admit, man, the referees were a little, they were crazy. The amount of fouls, that was the game right after Phil Jackson was complaining.

Remember that game two when they called 56 fouls on the Lakers and like three on the Celtics? So he bitched about it. And I think the referees got pissed, but kind of knew he was right. So they were like calling a ton on the Celtics, but they also kind of go and fuck you Phil Jackson. We're still running shit. So they still called a bunch on the Lakers. And I don't think the ball went up and down the court three times without them blowing a whistle.

Like there was never any sort of like flow to the game and it kind of sucked as a fan because they kept cock-blocking the excitement. Even when the Lakers were going on a run, you know, even as the Celtics fans sitting there, it was pretty, you know, it was cool to see them going bananas and feeling like I was at a finals. But every time they'd start to go nuts, they'd call some tiki-tack foul. And then the other way, when they would start getting quiet and I'd start standing up talking shit, they'd call another bullshit one. So I don't know what the fuck they're doing.

But in that last night's game, I thought the officiating was really weird. It was like the beginning of the game, like, all right, they're going to let them play. They were letting them mug each other and then all of a sudden they'd start calling. They just tiki-tack, it's not consistent. Just haven't been consistent. Plus we lost on probably a little cuntie too. But anyways, here we go. Punchline in Atlanta this week from June 19th to the 21st.

This is one of my favorite gigs and I absolutely love going to that club. It's just an old school club. If you live anywhere near there, please come down. I got a brand new hour and I also have a solution to the gas problem. I really do. Something that would be very effective if, did I say infective? Very effective. Within E, not within A, affected.

You know what, that's one of those things I never know the difference. The effect or affect. I might have to look that up. All right, and in July, I'm going to be at the improv in Pittsburgh from July 10th through the 13th. Then the next gig I have after that is July 31st through August. The fuck is it? Hang on, hang on the pages. We have the comedy works.

That's what it is. The comedy works in Denver, Colorado from August, I mean July 31st. Or is it 30th? I already turned the page. The last fucking day in July through Saturday, August 2nd. Nice, no Sunday. I kind of love that. Yeah, it's 31 days in July.

31 days has November except for September and Friday. How does that one go? All right, do I have anything else to hype? I think that's pretty much it. Podcast questions. All of a sudden, nobody's asking me podcast questions. Is that what happened last two weeks? I didn't answer any questions, so now you guys, you can't ask me anything.

I got a question for you. Where the fuck are all the questions? Are you over it? I don't know. Okay, I think it's time to wrap this fucking thing up. What the hell was I just looking up? Oh, effect, affect. I'm trying to teach you guys something.

Effect and affect. Do you like how I don't know the difference? And I'm going to act like I'm teaching you. Which of these sentences are correct? Rising oil prices will have an effect on nearly everyone. That's correct with an E, right? Why don't you just give me the fucking definition? I hate when they do this.

Her emotional output first was purely for effect. All these sentences correctly employ effect and affect. In most situations, we use effect as a noun and affect as a verb. Well, what the fuck do they mean? How about giving me a definition first? You know what this is like? This is like how I was taught algebra. You know what I mean?

Like everything with math up until eighth grade, for me anyways, was numbers. If you're fucking Asian, I'm sure you were doing calculus in the third grade. Let's just stick with your random fucking stupid American here, alright? Right up to eighth grade, it was all fucking numbers. Then all of a sudden, ninth grade comes around. They throw the fucking alphabet in there. And there was no sort of before they go in, you know, little speech like, hey, this is going to be a little different.

The dude just started doing it. He just started throwing, you know, foil first, outside, inside, last. You know, all that high school math. Opposite angles are congruent and none of this shit may, and you just repeated it like you were in a cult. They just stand up, they're opposite angles are congruent. Opposite angles are congruent. Nobody had any idea what the fuck they were saying.

They just had a triangle on the board. That's what this website is like. Get it right, online.com. There's no fucking definition. All of these play correctly. Websters, coexistence, buffet, and fucking things. Alright, hang on. Is this exciting?

Is this an exciting podcast as I attempt to fucking look up the goddamn word and fail miserably? Effect, effect. Did you guys do this shit at work? Death, definition. You know, you try to look up like Robbie Caneville. You try to guess what year he was born. Alright, here we go.

Effect, definition of affect. To have an influence or effect or a change in. You know what fuck this word. Okay, forget it. You know what I mean? That's like, what's the difference between a truck and a car? And in the definition of car, they describe it as a fucking truck. You know what, sometimes you gotta cut your losses

and you gotta realize that you're not gonna know some things in life and that's just one of them. You know? Alright, this podcast, this has just been spammed for the last three minutes. I apologize. You know what, I just had to eat. You know what, I should actually turn this into a contest

and say I'm gonna give you a free 100 DVDs if you could guess what the fuck I just ate because you'll never guess what it was. Think of the most, okay, I'm gonna give you hints and you can all play along at home. Alright? This is something, it's a dessert. It's something that they used to have creepy commercials about

with a high-pitched voice. And you put it in a freezer. Three, answer in two. One, I actually just had a slice of cookie puss. There's no way to say that without fucking laughing. I just had a piece of cookie puss ice cream cake, whatever the fuck you call it, it's ice cream and cake, just like effect and effect.

They're the same thing, fucking incestuous. And I gotta tell you something, if you've never had it, it's just as disgusting as it sounds, you know what I mean? Some things are just named perfectly and cookie puss, it's just what it is. It's a stank, rank, slutty ass fucking disgusting cake. Like if, who's the right whore to pick? I'm just gonna say if Paris Hilton was a cake,

she wouldn't be. She'd be like a fucking blow pop, sorry. I don't fucking know, all right, whatever. I should've leveled up to the fucking roof. Why do I have a goddamn fucking ice cream cake? Because I turned 40 last Tuesday on Jim on Sunday. That's the way I rejoined. I'm like fuck this, turn 40 on Tuesday.

Let me bang out, 500 sit-ups. The last 500 sit-ups have been 39 years old. Yeah, it's pretty fucking brutal, but I'll tell you something. Somebody shows up, you know, you have a party at a place and somebody shows up with a cookie puss ice cream and you know, it's not that bad. Not because you eat it and it tastes good, you're more thinking like, well, you know,

maybe if I was addicted to sweets I'd be eating this fucking horseshit every day. All right, did we learn anything this week? Yes, we did. We're gonna learn that Bill Burr is gonna be on the fucking, the, that's right. Guy's Choice Awards this Sunday and somewhere between 8 and 4 a.m. on Spike TV and I am gonna be at the Punchline Atlanta and I don't know the definition of effect and effect

and cookie puss ice cream tastes like, tastes like Eskimo. Yeah, if you went down on a fucking Eskimo hooker. It's really fucking, it's just, it's fucking awful. Let me see if I can just, first of all, some Carvel. It's got a big green fucking ice cream nose with a cone in it. I just can't imagine. Like, ever see those people that are so fat they're like fucking bedridden? This is the kind of shit that they eat.

Because, you know, everybody's out of shape. I'm fucking out of shape right now. You know what I mean? Everybody. Once you get past 30, you got a fucking gut. You got this shirt on. So everybody stop whining on that fucking biggest loser, okay? No one looks good. Quit your crying, okay? But those people who get so big that they're just fucking bedridden,

you really have to go out of your way. You have to go above and fucking beyond to get that big. You know what I mean? They would say, oh, you don't even throw metabolism. Fuck you and your fucking metabolism. No, you don't. I had cookie pus nightly, nightly basis. I just had a snack. What did you have?

I had cookie pus. All fucking 3,000 fucking calories a slice. There we go. That's how I like to fucking end it. I like to attack the bedridden. That's it. That's the Monday Morning Podcast. Please re-up with the questions. I swear to God, I'll read them. I will answer them next week.

And somebody please give me a fucking definition. It's between effect and affect because, you know, I looked it up and they used the definition of the other word and the fucking definition, which is annoying. All right. That is it. Thanks to everybody who came out to see my show in Raleigh, North Carolina. It's the most disjointed fucking podcast ever.

Did I use that word correctly? In Raleigh, North Carolina, I'm adding a bunch of new dates coming up. I got a date coming up with a stress factor in New Jersey. I got a college UMass Amherst. I'm going to be adding that date shortly. What else? What else? I don't know. Sometime in August, beginning of September.

So look for those dates. And anything else, just go to billbird.com. And that's it. All right? I'm tapping out. I'll talk to you guys next week. Have a good week. All right. Bye. I'll see you next time. I'm going to be adding a bunch of new dates coming up.

Conversations kill Conversations kill Conversations kill Conversations kill Conversations kill Conversations kill Conversations kill Time to take her home, her dizzy head is constantly slid

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