Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-16-22

Episode Date: June 16, 2022

Bill rambles about Vermont, 'American Buffalo', and uniforms. Thursday Afternoon Interlude -  Mitch Murder - The Touch MasterClass:  Get unlimited access to EVERY MasterClass. As a Monday Morning Podcast listener, you get 15% off an annual membership!  Go to MASTER CLASS dot com slash BURR now

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday

Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking it on you just checking it on you how's it going how's your Thursday no seriously how is it going um I'm uh I'm out here seeing the family back east doing some gigs I'm in Wilkes Bar or Wilkes Barry Pennsylvania I don't know how you say it I've always found Pennsylvania fucking depressing unless I'm in Philly or if I'm in Pittsburgh there's just something about driving there's certain parts of the country I don't know what the fuck it is I think it goes back to when no one knew who the fuck I was and I was just driving to some gig in the middle of fucking nowhere and I'd be driving out to like fucking Pennsylvania like upstate

New York telling you right now you want to see me in a bad mood get me on the fucking 87 north you know there's this like there's some sort of cutoff I don't know where it is somewhere around somewhere around Poughkeepsie you know and I just drive and what's funny is both Pennsylvania and New York are fucking gorgeous dude it's fucking God's country lush green fucking topography you know all kinds of water on the geography I'd go under an oath with the stenography sorry um yeah they're fucking beautiful but there's just something about it just I remember getting on the 87 north one time oh my god I just get way in north northern Vermont

and Jesus Christ you just get rent a fucking car and you just get in it and he just pointed at Montreal and he just started driving and driving and driving and driving just fucking and at some point you're banged a right over the fucking Hudson River and then you were in Vermont and you're like oh wow this is gonna be great doing a gig in Vermont I never did stand up for Vermont sorry I just fucking woke up I never even did stand up in Vermont I'd check another state off the fucking list oh Billy OCD you gotta just stand up in every fucking state and then I know then I know that

can make everybody fucking laugh that's what I did all the way up to Vermont and I was working in this uh this hotel or some shit and I remember this guy was middling for me he was a nice guy and everything this fucking asshole was supposed to do like 20 minutes you know Friday night he did like 37 which is just way fucking over I mean headlining was 45 minutes back then on that gig this fucking asshole does 30 and then he pulls the whole oh hey I'm sorry sorry I didn't know about some bullshit like that right

and the fucking next night he went out he did close to like an hour and all he was trying to do was burn out the fucking crowd so when I went up there there was like nothing left and I was so stupid I believed him on the first show that he didn't he that he accidentally did 37 minutes the fucking guy was like 40 years old back then Jesus Christ he's gotta be pushing 70 now I was just getting scary man that fucking gig was almost 30 years ago 30 years ago here I am still bitching about it rather than fucking you know I should just gone up there you know done the gig

got myself some syrup whatever whatever souvenir I don't know what the fuck you do I did some shows there in New York City yesterday I went to the matinee showing of American Buffalo which was absolutely incredible it's funny it's one of the few plays that I actually know I remember a long long time ago I was taking uh I was thinking of taking acting classes that's what it was I didn't even think to take acting classes what it was was I ran into somebody who was a comedian who got seen by somebody big and had never taken acting classes and they handed him a fucking script and he didn't know what he was doing so he was telling me that story

and he had this look on his face like he fucked up his whole career so I was like well shit I don't ever want to have that that look on my face so um you know I just uh I started taking acting classes so I remember before I took acting classes Bobby Kelly was like dude from over to my apartment dude would do some scenes dude so you do something dude before you go over there dude and I was like all right cool so I went over there and we did some scenes from American Buffalo and I have not read the fucking thing since then this is one yet another thing that was like close to 30 years ago so anyways I saw it it was the the play started Lawrence Fishburne, Sam Rockwell

and this kid uh Darren Chris and they went out and just fucking killed first of all I went into the theater it's that uh circle in the square it's what they call it I guess square meaning time square I didn't see a circle but I remember a long time ago I went there and I saw true west with Philip Seymour Hoffman and uh John C Riley so that's pretty cool you know as far as the actors I've seen in there Philip Seymour Hoffman John C Riley Lawrence Fishburne Sam Rockwell and this is the welcome coming kid Darren Chris was fucking amazing um I remember I walked into theater immediately second I walked into theater I saw the whole setup and everything I felt like this real fucking excitement like this is going to be awesome it's going to be fucking awesome

and uh you know fucking lights go down places clapping and shit and it gets quiet and lights come up and fucking Lawrence Fishburne's on stage I'm like literally I mean I was like in some point since walking on the stage I was literally like you know 10 feet away from the guy I'm like that's fucking Lawrence Fishburne I've been watching that guy since apocalypse now boys in the hood the matrix fucking decade after decade after decade of fucking incredible work and he's doing this you know to be opening with Darren and they're both killing it and then fucking Sam Rockwell comes on like fucking like a bolt of lightning and then it just it go it was so it went by so goddamn fast it was fucking amazing absolutely incredible

hilarious dark the whole thing um it was awesome and I was actually thinking like wow this is fucking cool man I'm in New York and I'm at a Broadway play watching amazing it's like you know sometimes you know I just come to New York and I just feel like you know I do my little small town shit this is where I get my slice of pizza this is where I get a smoothie if I'm trying to be good I'm going to have a little club and go do a spot the same shit I've been doing since the fucking 90s but every once in a while I actually do some New York shit I remember thinking like I'm in New York right now at a Broadway play watching fucking three of the best actors I've seen in a fucking long time made the trip feel like you know like worth it but I highly highly

recommend it it's it's going until July 10th you know and if you're one of these guys where you're like dude I'm not fucking going to some C some fucking some you know fucking you know scooly boop fucking little stupid ass fucking Broadway play I'm telling you if you if you're one of those guys you hate the theater go see this shit you won't you know you bring your wife down there she's fucking happy take her out to dinner you know you go in there she gets a program she gets to dress up and all of that shit she watched a great play and guess what she won't be mad at you for at least fucking you know 36 hours then something will happen but you know for those 36 hours I just want to say that was really nice you know we should do that more

the whole thing the dinner dressing up just being out just us like connecting again was really nice that's the only thing that stinks is when you do something nice like that now they're not yelling at you but now they're commentating about what the fuck you just did you know and then we came to the street and it said walk and we walked we didn't run we just walked we just like we had the time we went up to the ticket booth we got the tickets you know and that lady in the ticket booth was so nice you're like all right I was there okay I'm sorry I'm sorry you had a good time right and then and then you're back into it again um so anyway uh I went out and did stand-up last night went out to the New York comedy club and I popped in at the uh comedy

cell and um and I was trying out some new shit it was classic New York you know New York comedy club is the first time I was doing it it was kind of going okay it was kind of going all right and then I went over to the cellar and I'm doing it again within the hour and it gets just that much better it was fucking fun man it was a good time um although New York comedy club I always feel a little old when I'm there it's a kind of a young crowd and I was doing my shit and um I was just this one young woman in the crowd was just like staring at me blankly like who is this old idiot saying all this fucking ignorant shit and uh you know the old me would have said something would have said hey lady you know the fuck is your problem but I'm old now and I'm like

I know her she doesn't have a problem she's normal she's looking at some bald orange idiot up here deliberately saying a bunch of dumb shit oh I still kind of went in there and I was fucking making fun of abortion rallies and feminists and stuff just right out of the gate just to kind of like sort of feel them out if they were going to be like laughing or whatever and they they were they were actually pretty good it was part of me actually I was tempted to take the night off which I didn't which I did not because I knew I needed to do my act a little bit so tonight when people are actually paying to see me I'm not going up there fucking you know shaking the dust off the rust

off whatever the fucking expression is but I was tempted you know both the Mets and the Yankees had a home game last night and the Mets I just saw him play the Dodgers but I haven't been to their new you know their new city field I've only been to the last one game I went to which is still at Shea which was a painful place as a Red Sox fan to go to he's always looked over at first base and you're like right there that's what happened look at home plate that's where the passball was right there and then right there was where the fucking you know behind the bag and the Mets weren't at you know um that owner is fucking hilarious he spent the most money in the league and he's in there playing like some of the best baseball in the league and he's still talking

the trade deadline hey you know if I get a fucking do something else I'm gonna do it it's just great and he finally learned from their older brother across the fucking river there that's what you do you spend more money than everybody I was actually I was gonna go see the Yankees because the way they're playing with their record and everything it reminded me in 1998 as much as I hated the Yankees I'm like greatness is greatness and I gotta go see this fucking team and I did neither and I was also like this is Stanley Cup final tonight Colorado Avalanche versus the fucking Tampa Bay Lightning or trying to attempt to become free Pete fucking ceiling coach here I didn't watch it I went out and I did the goddamn war I'm trying to guilt you guys right

now I went out and I did the goddamn work can you say that about yourselves um I heard it was a fucking unbelievable game I walked by a bar when I was done with my second spot it was three to three with like six minutes to go in the third period and Colorado won it in overtime and one of my buddies was fucking text me going do this is like such high level sick level fucking hockey um all of my friends are picking Colorado saying they're too fast on all of this type of shit but I don't know what Tampa's got there's a third time and I don't know they got a defense and shit I just always feel like the experience and a defense that's going to be tough to beat but I am rooting for Colorado I don't know why they actually this one I'm not I'm not really fucking

either way on this one I will tell you this Stamp Coast's goal against the fucking Rangers where he shot it and then it went off his body and somehow went into the net that was one of those bullshit fucking plays that you can't fucking there's no way to prove that he sort of guided it in but he did he absolutely fucking did the first thing I thought of was Reggie Jackson when he was stuck in that rundown and he fucking leaned his body his hip you know he fucking made the ball go out and right field Steve Garvey's fucking pointing at him of course the ref didn't see it ref didn't see it because it's the fucking New York Yankees you're in the Bronx you wanted to get out of there alive it was the late 70s summer as Sam fuck this

yeah I thought that goal was bullshit but there was there's no fucking way to prove it it's just like it happens so fast I get why they called it a goal but it was like he shot it it went to hit him and he just angled his body at the goal and but it was great it was perfect because he didn't fucking slap at it with his hand he can kick at it with his foot he just sort of fucking got his body you know squared up with the net and physics did the rest congratulations to the Rangers though even though it was a fucking brutal loss or whatever I mean they seem to be headed in the right direction and what blows my fucking mind is they ended that 54-year curse and they're almost coming up on 30 years already since they won it the last time

it's unreal they're more than halfway there curse was 28 years and 28 years they're fucking 20 they're 28 years they're halfway there Jesus Christ time is flying over I was thinking that the Montreal Canadians haven't won it in 29 years which was just unheard of when I was growing up those fucking assholes used to win it like every year and then the 80s they still won one the 90s they still won one so it's like all right well now that there's 30 teams in competition for these guys they'll win it once every fucking 10 years and then I think the tooth the 90s was the first decade they hadn't won a cup since the 1900s they won and won in the teens the 20s I mean numerous teens 20s 30s 40s 50s 60s 70s

80s no 90s 93 they won it what the fuck am I talking about 2000 they want to win a whole almost a whole fucking century of winning at least one championship in a decade holy shit holy shit everybody the old sports nerd who can barely skate backwards is fucking geeking out over here um anyway red socks are winning you know it's just great it's nobody's really noticing because the Yankees continue to win they have such a huge lead on this but what's fucking great thing is is there's still the wild card so for all the winning the Yankees could do the red socks could still make the fucking playoffs and come in there and break their fucking hats I mean last time the Yankees beat us in the playoffs was 20 years ago 19 years

ago how fucking nuts is that um I don't know this team this team they got this shit jesus christ but the red socks I don't know center pitchings looking good divas is uh devils I always want to call them divas devils is fucking hitting some home runs I think it's going to be all right there by the way I'd have to say the Oakland A's uniform might be the best in baseball I know you have the Yankees the classic pinstripe or whatever which is a great uniform and a great logo you know but I think a lot of it is associated too with the success in the players which is a part of it but I gotta tell you if you didn't know shit about baseball that fucking green with the yellow and the white of the Oakland A's is unreal you know and you combine that with the

fact that I feel the Oakland Raiders have like the best fucking uniform and logo in all of sports you know especially when they were the white jersey with the silver numbers it's fucking incredible both of them played in Oakland and now it looks like both teams well one's already gone both teams are going to end up in Vegas who the fuck is going to go to a goddamn baseball game in Las Vegas I don't know about that move football yeah we just got to sell out eight games the generate gamblers love the bet on fucking football I mean that was a no-brainer but then again who would have thought hockey would make it in fucking Vegas I don't know I have no idea but it's looking like they're gonna fucking move

that's such bullshit too that really is fucking bullshit it's like the guy trades away his fucking team every year or tries to win with like not doing anything like spending no fucking money and now you know the fans are gonna pay for it ooh build me a fucking stadium or a leaving you have a stadium you fucking cunt it really blows my mind that they can fucking do that to cities the shit that people can do take over the food supply pour shit in the water supply dump shit in the fucking ocean you know fire hundreds of people at a corporation while you take a fucking nine figure bonus

hold a city hostage build us a stadium or we're fucking leaving you can do all of that shit nobody gets in fucking trouble then you send out one tweet as an individual not doing anything and they fucking destroy your life masterclass everyone you know with masterclass you can learn from the world's best minds anytime anywhere and at your own pace learn to barbecue bbq from Aaron Franklin a skateboarding from Tony Hawk or learn songwriting and producing from Alicia Keys is that really her last name where the odds are last name is going to be keys and she plays the piano you know i'm billy strings i'm one of the great fucking master guitar players out there

oh yeah i'm mickey crockpot i'm going to teach you how to cook with a hundred with over a hundred classes from a range of world class instructors that thing you've always wanted to do is closer than you think masterclass is accessible on your phone web or smart tv offering classes on a wide variety of topics all taught by world class masters at the top of their fields each class is broken out into individual video lessons usually around 10 minutes long Alicia Keys just sitting there right being all brave without her makeup on teaching you're you're fucking you're sitting there with your little keyboard in your kitchen i wonder what song she teaches you how to play

na na hundreds of video lessons from 100 plus of today's most brilliant minds are available anytime anywhere on ios android desktop apple tv amazon fire tv and roku i highly recommend you check it out get unlimited access to every masterclass and a monday morning podcast listener and as a monday morning podcast listener you get 15 off the annual membership go to masterclass.com slash bird now that's masterclass.com slash bird for 15 off masterclass i remember i took piano lessons when i was just failing miserably the first time i lived in LA i took piano lessons for like i don't know two or three times i always wish i stuck with those things because there's always there's a lot of pianos out there you notice that like you always walk in

and you're like fuck i wish i learned i wish i every time you see like fuck i wish i stayed with that get sit down right now like bill murray and grand groundhog day bang out a few hits i know how to play a couple songs on the piano i could play the beginning to that journey song don't stop believing i think i do all yacht rock lino richie uh easy like sunday morning oh yeah i'm coming with the hits people and i'm i'm starting to fuck with chicago saturday in the park which for the longest time i thought was about drug addiction i finally looked up the uh the lyrics i thought initially it was about a guy going to the park going to the park you know sort of enjoying what he was seeing and like a homeless guy

you know saturday was he singing in boston say in the park think it was the fourth of july people laughing people singing a man selling ice cream singing italian songs and i've been waiting such a long time i'm like waiting for what for saturday it's like is he meeting his dealer i just never understood it it's like well you know the fucking time flies by and then the the second verse i always thought it was something about a fog it's a different word i don't know what the fuck is i looked it up yesterday i forget what it is i thought he was singing the word fog and i thought he was like you know now his life was going by him because there's something about chicago like even they're happier songs you know when terry cath was still

in the band um there was like a melancholy to him the shit always felt like uh i don't know what it was it felt like heavy like it doesn't like a light i'm trying to think of the other songs or whatever but there was just something about it and the horns would come in and all that type of shit it just always got me i was speaking of that like horns and all of that and like sort of minor chords and shit my daughter is ridiculously into charlie brown and i can tell you this like there is no fucking way it's just because it's old like what the fuck happens to that dude i saw one the other day this fucking kid it's valentine's day

and he goes to school with that i can never say this word attache attache attache even fucking briefcase right because he's anticipating he's gonna get all these valentines now i don't know why he's doing this because nothing in his life has ever worked out like this kid is a sad sacks sad sack right he's on the mount rushmore sad sack so the poor bastard shows up with this i don't know spoiler alert right he doesn't get any fucking valentines and he keeps checking in with the kid who plays piano he could probably take a master class from schroeder right he's checking in with him he's like no charlie i'll let you know you know no one's written you yet and he's fucking sitting there expecting the world to show him love when i i just never see people always yelling at him calling

a blockhead he doesn't really have like they're not your friends like i sit there and i fucking watch him like charlie these guys are not your friends you gotta fucking punch one of these kids in the face and get a little respect your little big-headed cunt right but he never does it so the fucking little kid he never gets a valentine i really felt bad for him and he goes home in the last second he gets through his mailbox and he looks in like maybe there's gonna be one now if this was a modern day pixar movie he would look in and there would be one but this wasn't this shit was made when we were fucking fighting in vietnam you know they'd cured polio only like 10 years ago people's fucking you know life was harder i don't know what the deal was he fucking

opens the mailbox there's no valentine in there he gets pissed he slams his fucking briefcase down on the mailbox and then goes to kick the post and he hurts his foot somehow they brought it around where he was sort of happy towards the end but like when it was valentine's day and he's going to school and he had that fucking briefcase and you just know what's gonna happen but you still have the hope just like he does like when he goes to kick the football every time you're like well maybe like you know maybe he'll get one he won't get any and then in the end maybe he'll get one and it's like nope nope he doesn't get shit and we're gonna take you slowly and painfully through this whole fucking journey um it's funny because my my daughter doesn't like really intense scenes

in movies or anything like that even in like these Pixar movies especially if anybody dies or anything whatever the fuck you know that lion king thing like she just doesn't like it and she just tells me to shut it off but for some reason she can sit through the unbelievable depressing episodes of charlie brown i will tell you and i will go to my grave saying this one of the great fucking scenes in animation history though is when sally yells at fucking linus for ruining her halloween because she didn't go out and get me candy instead she sat in the pumpkin patch waiting for the fucking the great pumpkin and she was waiting such a long time for the great pumpkin and then she just lets linus have it you fucking she was she was calling him a blockhead but she was

like basically you fucking asshole could have been going out there getting candy and you went and you know dragged me out to this bullshit and i fucking believed you and there was no goddamn great pumpkin and now everybody's gonna laugh at me and you know what to linus's credit he just he sat there and took it he knew he was wrong there's a lot of hair issues on that fucking show you know massive amounts of fucking alopecia i mean charlie brown looks like he went to like chemo um i mean jesus quick you know can i can you just give him one fucking valentine um sorry anyway that is the podcast i'm on my way out to wilks bear to do some shows and then i'm going up to uh i'm doing a show out in a field in upstate new york

where i i think it's the same place where they had uh woodstock dean delray's opening up for me that's what he said and then i ended in uh new jersey at this ampy theater that i played back in 05 or 06 on the uh opian anthony uh traveling virus tour now that doesn't seem too long ago but that was like that was like 16 years ago we get it bill you're old jesus christ all right okay so that's the podcast now we get some interlude music here man and then we're gonna play a bonus episode of a thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast from a thursday afternoon a few years ago all right have a great weekend your concern i'll uh i'll see you on monday

um hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast from monday june 16th 2014 how the hell are you how you doing you know are you enjoying the fucking summer when does this summer start officially I know it's june 20 something I'll tell you about the global warming it's gonna have to tell um I gotta watch the volume this week okay I have to keep it low fucking key because uh I'm actually recording um sunday june 15th I'm in uh salt lake city how come I didn't pronounce it salt lake city I'm in a hotel room here and I gotta keep my uh

my voice down because I don't want to offend you know whatever Mormon is next door in the whole that hotel room right with his fucking 22 wives or whatever the hell they do you know you know it's funny when you come out here to Utah you think what you're gonna see is you're gonna see a bunch of Mormons right walking around dressed like they're on little house in the prairie and you know one guy with like you know four wives five wives and uh I don't know how many times I've been out to Utah but it finally dawned on me that if you have five wives okay and you know each one of them wants to have like two kids the average woman wants a couple of kids right I'd like a boy and a girl you know one of each you know looking at you like you possess that sort

of like trick shot sperm like quite like are you playing a game of horse all right you gotta make the shot from over here and over here one of each then you move on to the next round so that right there with you have five wives one of each right if you're gonna have kids and what's a boy and a girl you're looking at 10 kids you're gonna have 10 kids five wives I mean how many bedroom house you're gonna have to buy basically what I'm saying is the reason why I've never run into one of these people with all the wives is there's no way they can afford to live in the city you know you'd have to buy you'd have to rent out a whole floor of a fucking condom uh skyscraper there condominium uh co-op if you will so that's what it is that's where they are man they're they're over they're

over the fucking hill they're over the hill so I guess I'm never gonna find them so you're probably saying well Bill what what do you run into when you go to Salt Lake City uh it's it's absolutely beautiful bit of a bit of a scary landing here um the city itself seems to be surrounded on at least three sides by a mountain you know like the old Denver Broncos horseshoe shaped stadium where you know when they'd go to kick the field go you could see the parking lot on one side and then all you saw was a bunch of fucking orange painted maniacs on the other um by the way I never understood why they did that the horseshoe shaped stadium it was I just always struck me as such a half ass job where it's just like why don't you just finish the fucking thing you know or just keep bleaches on

both sides have it be symmetrical you know I actually know somebody who builds a lot of shit and he sucks it he's good at it but he sucks it he wants to do everything himself I'm protecting the identity of this person but the dude redid his fucking kitchen and I walked in and I'm I'm eyeballing the cabinets and you can see clearly one of the cabinets is like an eighth of an inch or a half an inch like it just looks weird you can tell that it's longer than the other one and the guy's like ah you know I don't I don't like symmetry I'm not I'm not into symmetry I'm thinking my head I'm not I'm who's not into symmetry I can see in landscaping it doesn't look natural if you're everything symmetrical on both sides I get that but when

you're building something to say you're not into symmetry isn't for all my construction fans out people in the construction arts isn't what that person's really saying that they don't like to measure or they don't like to go back and fix their mistakes so they just sort of plow ahead that's basically what this fucking thing looked like and all I'm thinking is okay if that's what the cabinets look like what does the electrical look like you know and I immediately wanted to get the fuck out of there but anyways let me back up for a second here so when you come out here to Utah uh yeah so they got they got like I think it feels like it's surrounded on at least two sides all right like that Winnipeg football stadium that I saw that I

guess they're gonna tear down they had bleachers on both sides nothing in either end zone and it just looked cold as fuck if you went to the game um so it's you know and especially this time of year when it's uh when it starts to get hot out I don't know why but like it tosses you around a little bit as you as you're coming for a landing and so I'm on the plane and this fucking lady in front of me might have had the worst tattoo I've ever seen in my life and it went all the way across her back it was like this it was green ink and it was some sort of tree or some sort of something it's like Jesus Christ we get it you know you're you like nature I don't understand it's like I like the Bruins but I would never get a giant B put on my back well why'd you do that it stands for Bill

and the Bruins no it stands for fucking moron um it was just a horribly horribly like uh you know my parents left when I was four years old just drawn like you know my buddy who sells meth you know did this tattoo and I've noticed that there are a lot of tattoos out here a lot of bad fucking tattoos so if you're if you're on that show what does it fix my tattoo tattoo mistakes whatever the hell it is that one where you guys always draw all the flowers over you sent me Sam fucking Daffy duck in the ass whatever somebody could decided to get on their butt cheek right you come to Utah I mean I don't even I mean why would you just further fuck the thing up I guess the the guy guess because you're trying to draw something over it that that makes it creative

I mean I think that they should just paratroop a bunch of people in here who were in tattoo removal you know and I just have like you know when they drop the tanks in with that flat piece of wood underneath it just have the tattoo removal machine and you set up a tent like mash and you just have all these people come in with their awful green tattoo tattoos and you just remove them and then you immediately take them into another tent and you start showing them you know just video footage of what a good tattoo looks like you know or maybe some art or maybe you give them a plane ticket and you get them to travel outside of outside of these fucking trees so they stopped drawing them on their bodies

am I being too judgmental am I well maybe I am I don't know you know what this is this really has nothing to do with the fucking two women that I saw in Utah with those tattoos so I judge all fucking you know whatever half a million women that live in the greater Salt Lake City area has really nothing to do with it has to do with the fact that I am taping a special a stand-up special this Friday night in Atlanta at the Tabernacle Theater two shows and I'm getting fucking antsy so I'm lashing out of people now so I apologize to you know the 99.5% of Salt Lake women that don't have fucking green tattoos I'm also being a cunt because I haven't boozed since the day I came back from France which was April 18th coming up on fucking 60 days or whatever I'm working out

I look good but I you know as far as you know best I can do it 46 okay let's not get crazy I uh yeah I just want to take this fucking thing so I got two more shows tonight here in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys which I gotta tell you man underrated underrated for the week Wise Guys Comedy Club in Salt Lake City Utah and from what I heard Joe Rogan's coming out here in the next week or so I guess David Tell was out here and went on Rogan's podcast and Joe's great podcast and you know and Dave was raving about this place so Joe called up the next day and I guess he got a booking out here and so I don't know man I got it I can see why David Tell was raving about it it's just it's perfect if I can say it's a fucking perfect comedy club the ceiling is at the exact rate

height the way people are seated around you the way they drop the checks the whole fucking thing it's just great if I if I was actually going to design a comedy club did you just ask that from your fucking elliptical machine you know what I would do I would do everything that they got there at at at Wise Guys the only the only thing I would change I would have I would design it where the green room is right off the stage that way if it was a mean crowd and maybe only you almost got into a physical confrontation with somebody you have the option of not having to walk the gauntlet and go through the crowd you can just step right off stage and you're right to the green room much like the punchline in Atlanta which is great although you can't lock the door as

far as I know but it's still nice there used to be a comedy club in New York City called comics and that thing was a fucking fortress I guess you could run through the curtain but even then there was a door down the end of the hall you you walked off stage and you stepped down and immediately you were in a hallway if you went to the right you could go out and say lower the crowd or you could go to the left and you could disappear into the green room and you know this week I haven't been coming out after shows just because you know I got my special coming up and you know you go out and you shake a bunch of hands God knows people did God knows what is all over their fucking hands after you shake a bunch of hands and I can't be getting sick this

week so um so whatever that's what I've been doing this week been eating as perfect as I know how to eat you know as I know that's the key thing is I know how to eat because I've only partially read up on nutrition but uh I'm trying to go veggie the whole time I'm out here and eat a bunch of beans and all that fucking shit I gotta tell you here's my pet peeve about veggie restaurants two things one um when you look up vegetarian restaurants the amount of times that it comes up with like I guess I don't actually explain this to me why do I always get like Chinese restaurants and Thai food restaurants and to me it's like okay I get that there's no meat in that dish but this salt is through the fucking roof and don't get me wrong I love Thai food all right Chinese food I

don't know I don't know all right Chinese food's a little shady in my book um but like you know I like eat that's that shit you eat you know when you're just like let's just fucking who gives a fuck let's eat this food you know it's like when I when I asked the the fucking Siri there robot lady there on my phone you know and I asked her said vegetarian restaurants Salt Lake City like all of a sudden all these these Chinese and Thai restaurants come up and it's just like can't you tell I'm trying to eat healthy I don't need a bunch of fucking noodles with salt poured all over it that's not what the fuck I'm trying to do I'm trying to get down in my fighting way here so anyway so then I had to go in like vegan restaurants that type of thing here's my

pet peeve with vegan fucking restaurants the goddamn things have weird hours all right I had there's two of them within walking distance in my hotel and neither one of them is open Sunday neither one of them is open every fucking burger joint from here to fucking Colorado Springs is open it's goddamn vegan restaurants how come they're not open on Sundays and you know what a lot of carnivores would say that's because they're too weak they they can't they need to rest on Sunday can't plug it can't yeah yeah nothing gives you less energy less energy than eating in a healthy way that's I am so fucking sick of that shit and people talking about electric cars like they go up a hill you know that's why I'm really I'm starting to uh

I'm starting to pull away from the whole conspiracy theory thing I think the whole thing just works itself you know because there's just enough people out there that don't don't know shit myself included Jesus Christ I'm top 10 on that list and you just it's just it's uh yeah it's really not like a group of people living under a mountain it's just a bunch of mouth breathing morons or not even people who just don't fucking know anything you know like I've been talking about I want to learn how to fly a helicopter and people keep saying don't you don't do that man those things are falling out of the sky all the time they're really all the time and everybody's okay with that just every other

Mary can't come into work today yeah helicopter fell out of the fucking sky did happen to her again I mean don't get me wrong it fucking happens it happened in Scotland this past year one fell on a bar horrible story but I mean obviously I mean shit happens okay shit happens shit happens on the ground too you know how many times a day do people step on a rake right does that mean you leave the leaves out there and burn up your grass I don't think it does dude if the fucking engine cuts out you know that's it you're fucking done you just drop like a stone no you don't you don't Jesus fucking Christ look it up just look it up all right you fucking auto rotate like I'm saying that like I know how to do it although I have

watched people on YouTube do it it's pretty it's pretty it's pretty fucking impressive but whatever whatever look my I'm my brain is all over the fucking place this week I can't stand the weight the week of to do my special all right I am I am ready right now I'm actually sitting here in my boxes in my t-shirt and I am ready to throw in some slacks and a shirt and if I walked out my hotel room and they just passed me a mic and I began my special nothing would make me happier all right this is it's like it's like I just want to get out there and fucking do this goddamn thing because the second it's over old fucking red faces on vacation I'm on vacation everybody for the first time ever I'm taking I'm taking the some basically taking the

summer off I got a couple of gigs here or there but I am dialing it back you know and by taking off the summer I mean I'm not going to be jumping out a bunch of airplanes I'm going to be of course in the comedy clubs out here in LA trying to build up my next hour before my next special comes out but I'm going to be sleeping in my own bed I'm going to be getting drunk in my own house I'm going to be putting on all the weight that I took off from my special in our neighborhood restaurants I'm going to have a great time become an old billy fat face again you know right now I'm malaria William now don't get too skinny I love it people say that to you don't get too fucking skinny it's

like if I lifted up my shirt and you saw the horror show that's underneath it you just used to me being really out of shape now I'm only kind of out of shape all right but believe me Calvin Klein will not be calling me ever you understand which really disappoints me because I think it's about time they did a spread of a 46 year old redheaded male shirtless okay so if they're listening all right I'm throwing my fucking hat in the ring how bad how bad would this stock plunge you never know because I used to watch uh watch that top model show with Nia you know I mean I got to find a middle ground so it's like if you're going to watch some reality at least

I can look at some you know beautiful nine-foot women walking around with a look on their face like you know somebody peed in their okra right and uh so many of them they they they were beautiful bodies but their faces they were fucking weird so I finally said to Nia like you know what the fuck is what why what is with her fucking uh she looks like she put on an astronaut helmet that was too small you know and she left it on for like 24 hours and they just just popped the thing off right now you know and she's just like well you know Tyra likes she likes them she thinks they should be a little weird looking and I was just like what why is that so she doesn't feel intimidated you know what's her problem she's been on the cover

sports illustrated was she trying to help other people because people used to make fun of her forehead you know a lot of that people made fun of Tyra Banks's forehead you know like if she came walking up to you right doing that thing where one leg stepping over the other leg for some dumb reason I you know something I have to be honest with you no matter how good a woman looked if they came walking up to me like that doing the stepping over each other foot each you know every other foot why would the fuck I'm trying to say right over left left over right with that look on their face with their hair blowing that's supposed to look so amazing if that actually happened to me in real life I would be sitting there looking at them

do you guys ever see young Frankenstein you know you remember when Gene Wilder's going it's alive it is alive you know and Frankenstein's just kind of sitting there looking at him like the fuck is wrong with this dude that that's how I would be looking at I'm not saying you know that they're not beautiful but whatever I'm fucking making too many left turns here I don't even know how I got to this I was talking about weird looking oh yeah so I'm weird looking I'm a weird looking fucker who knows maybe it could have I don't know that does that work yeah I guess it does work I was thinking maybe it wouldn't work a women into weird looking guys

and not from my experience no kidding I was kidding oh you know what are they into they want they want security and that translates the money because that's how the fucking world works so are they really hoarse I don't know when we return and I'm all right I'm gonna pause here now actually don't have my advertising so I'm gonna have to record it later and drop it in so right now I have to pause so I have a place to fucking edit this into all right legal zoom everyone America was built by innovators and dreamers people like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford laid the foundation for our country these days it's the inventors and the entrepreneurs

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burr at checkout legal zoom provides legal help through independent attorneys and self-help but they are not a law firm legal zoom.com discount code burr and lastly but not leastly hulu plus everyone you've probably tried hulu on your computer hulu plus is so much more with hulu plus you can watch current seasons episodes of your favorite shows like modern family the daily show and scandal and watch every episode of shows like nashville loss and dr who you get ad free movies and kid shows too now more than ever there's so much to watch take total control with hulu plus to stream these shows and thousands more as much as you want whenever you want hulu plus works on your computer your smartphone tv roku apple tv i'm sorry your smart tv not smart phone

smart tv roku apple tv xbox playstation pretty much any streaming device you already own you can even watch on your phone or ipad well i guess they can then huh while on the train at work at the dentist or in the bathroom you can even block off a day to binge you also get to uh to access originals that you cannot get anywhere else check out the new show deadbeat a comedy about a pot smoking guy who talks to ghost you can binge on all 10 episodes starting april 9th for only 7.99 a month get your shows anytime anywhere that's like a quarter a day come on folks sign up now right now sign up at hulu plus dot com slash bill or click the banner on my website and get two weeks full access completely free that's a whole extra week more with this special offer

when you sign up at hulu plus dot com slash bill oh wait i've got the ending so get with it and start streaming tv now with hulu plus i'm the worst okay and we are back we are back i hope you enjoyed that read i hope i did a good job on it all right because i'm reading that sometime in the future um so anyways i've been uh you know with my fucking add i've been trying to learn how to you know just work out more efficiently or fucking whatever so i've been eating right and that type of thing and i've gotten into all these uh you know i like climbing the rope and doing pull ups and shit and i stumbled onto a couple of uh youtube videos of course i don't have them up here but i'll definitely send the links to uh to andrew to have them up here um couple of these home home

gyms you could have in the garage and um and and one this one it's actually part one it's a three part series where this guy teaches you how to do a muscle up which is basically if you ever saw somebody do the pull up and they basically go past their chin up to their chest and then basically get to the point where they do a dip at the top of the bar the the the the other half of a dip because you don't have to go down because you start i just explained that in a completely confusing way you know what i mean you shoot past the bar and then you push yourself up with your arms so your arms are then straight at the top of the bar and i remember the first time i tried to do that if you could have listened to the this do you remember when uh

uh what's his face William Wallace was getting his entrails yanked out okay you remember that noise mel Gibson was making if you could fucking take that audio and then turn it up to uh you know when they do the chipmunks holiday uh records that's what i sounded like when i tried to do one aside from the fact that i completely lacked the strength um my technique i didn't understand that very little of it is your arms going past that uh that bar and i'm not even going to try to begin to explore i will my head i'm supposed to be funny on this one i try to explain it it's basically you're coming up when you're when you're pulling yourself up you sort of explode up and you got your your legs are a little bit in front of you

and then right as you you got your chest up to the bar you do a quick sit up in the air i swear to god which causes your legs to swing down like uh down past you like a fucking pendulum and you actually roll up onto the bar so it's really it's your abs sitting up and then your legs swinging up from underneath you that gets you up over the bar and then your arms are in positions position to uh to then push yourself up and it's like oh that's why i was fucking up so i figure i figure if i just you know train doing that for two months over the summer trying to get my technique down right and then i somehow uh you know jump into the cocoon pool i had to be able to do it by 2016 what do you think maybe do the human flag one of those fucking things i'm just

fascinated with people that have that kind of strength and i found uh i don't know you just click on that then the other things that they suggest i clicked on like five others and all of a sudden i was watching these guys climbing what was considered the hardest rock face to climb in the world and these fucking guys i mean i bet you're about doing pull-ups you know i got my whole hand around that these guys got like that you know that that little joint at the top of your finger they're hanging on like that and they jump up to a thing and they're like four of their fingers that last little joint a grab and some little crevice and i'm telling you they reach up and they grab it and you and the people on the ground hear them all the way on the ground

you hear them the guy jumps up and he grabs you just hear they do that the whole fucking way up they got a grip called the pinch grip just imagine holding a dictionary a really thick book right and you just sort of would hold it straight down you know on either side of it you're just holding it by the binding yeah like that kind of a grip like the lobster grip and the thing is like it's uh it's it's faced up and down what's the fucking word perpendicular i have no idea it looks like a nose coming out of the fucking cliff and they jump up and grab one of those and then just pinch with their fucking hand and then they got one little toe and a crack below it just holding that i mean watching these guys do this shit i swear to god it's like these guys

i mean i i don't know like if you ever had them in prison it's like how long could you keep them in prison the second you got them in the yard you'd have to have a fucking scope on them at all times because they would just fucking run over to the corner where one wall meets the other wall and he's a little 90 degree turn they just kind of all the way up the top of it next thing you know that thing be right in your face like that fucking grizzly bear that ran up that tree have you seen that youtube video this guy's sitting he's in a fucking tree like a bow and arrow trained on this black bear and the black bear looks up and sees them and within two seconds it runs up the tree next to him and is above him and they're sitting there like going dude what the fuck

holy shit what the fuck they're like freaking out and um i don't know why i was rooting for the bear i wanted the bear to maul that guy i just think it's fucked up to go out and shoot a bear or an elk or a moose you know what i mean can we just keep it with cows and chickens isn't that enough fish you know all the fish to get fucking killed i swear to god i swear to god the more the more i i i don't know i look into that shit it's it's just brutal you know where i go hiking in uh california when i hike and by the way i do wear short shorts with aerobic socks when i hike there's a fucking mountain lion there's a mountain lion in the canyon and that's been freaking me out and they have these cameras set up all over the place and over

the last couple years they've taken pictures of them they just took a picture of the thing recently and i swear to god it looks horrible and what they're speculating it happened happened is the thing is eating coyotes that eat rats that eat the rat poison that people put out you know to kill the rats and if you saw this thing you know i am terrified of getting mauled okay i'm terrified of the ocean getting eaten by a shark getting pulled out by the riptide and getting mauled any of that fucking shit any shit that involves me i just can't imagine when one of those cats is you're walking right just reaches out and grabs you okay just in turns you into like this ragdoll how little fucking control you have your ability to fight back it's like dude you're fighting fucking

edwards scissorhands but fast you know or like freddy kruger on all feet just that alone you ever get scratched by a fucking house cat it fucking kills can you imagine a god damn mountain line just grabbing you and pulling you over to its fucking mouth oh god feeling that breath in your neck jesus christ i'm fucking terrified of those things that's just a mountain line which is like a house cat compared to a tiger right so but i saw the thing's face it's just like that's that's terrible it's fucking terrible man so i don't know i'm not trying to get alpita on you here i don't want to talk about i'm all over the fucking place this week so anyways i'm really want to get you guys those clips because uh there's three clips i want to

show you that have really inspired me to try and get back and you know i don't know if you just stop walking around with this 15 pounds of pizza and beer weight i'm just fucking sick of it you know i've knocked off like half of it i just don't understand how far down i got to go to have a flat stomach again you can't even do it once you once you get that fucking belly it's just over you try to fucking lose the weight and you just lose muscle and no matter you eat a whole goddamn chicken somehow your fucking arms are going to shrink and your belly's just going to be sitting there laughing at you jiggling you know you know it's funny i actually got a fucking email this week and i know you guys are thinking jesus bill you have made a major body issues yeah i do well you

know what why don't you get uh get get get on fucking comedy central's premium blend why don't you do that and then get yourself a fucking twitter account let me tell you what kind of body images you're gonna have people aren't exactly nice to you um they start off nice hey really funny shit but what's the deal with and then you end up getting like oh fuck i never even noticed that about myself so anyways here's somebody says uh fat shaming bonjour guillaume french for william all right i actually knew that one shaman pelt guillaume uh ramon uh i am a long time listener and i love the show i am a big guy and fat shaming work works it really works last september i was sneaking a pizza in my car while listening

to the show and you had another rant about fat people and you basically described exactly what i was doing like you you were somehow watching me eat it made me laugh uncontrollably and i decided to get serious about losing weight i quit boozing which is something your show inspired me to do and ate healthy and exercise twice a day uh i was off the bottle from september until February and spending the holiday sober was quite a challenge but i got my weight down from three ten to two 54 doh congratulations what is that let's do the math here for this guy 61 pounds times five miles of capillaries for every fucking pound that's 305 miles of less of capillaries that your heart has to beat every time isn't that wonderful we'll be right back on dr roz sorry everybody i was

pleased with my progress and i started working out less and resume drinking till mid april when i weighed myself at 273 so i gained 19 pounds in about two and a half months of drinking i was shocked therefore i am off alcohol again and and and weigh 243 now holy shit he says my goal is to weigh 210 before i drink again please continue to make criticizing uh oh please continue to criticize the fat asses because you do it in a hilarious yet respectful way thank you for your help ah dude that's great man you know what's great about what you did was a lot of people if they went from 310 to 254 and they started you know going back to their bad habits you then you know gain it all back and then some i'm surprised you weren't 320 something so the fact that you

actually uh got back on the scale at 273 shows uh you got a lot of willpower then you dropped another 30 after that so what are you down altogether 243 that's 57 and 10 is 67 pounds dude that's amazing man that's amazing uh well if you go back to boozing what i would suggest is uh drinking whiskey or scotch neat you know or drinking vodka on the rocks or something just it's kind of that's like the vaporizer of boozing you just get right to it like all those chick drinks um not only you do you're sucking down you get a brutal fucking hangover first of all and then it's just all this extra bullshit you know rum and coax you know you have five rum and coax would you ever sit down and drink five coax i can barely finish one after a while since i can feel

my stomach expanding like i'm in some hot dog eating contest um so yeah i would go i would go back to that and then um i would somehow limit uh your intake of it which i gotta be honest with you i don't know how to do because uh speaking of boozing okay there's a segue for you um so here's the deal i basically said i wasn't gonna drink until my special so i i'll be done with my special friday night and then i was kind of thinking like well you know what i want to close out june you know because i didn't drink for the entire month of february or may and if i get june then i'm kind of balanced out right i drank january march and april didn't drink february may and june so i'm kind of you know i'm fucking got the ying and yang being a drunk douche and actually being

sober but uh the thing is is the last weekend in june i'm at uh i'm at the mirage in las vegas and it's not gonna be hard not to drink you know because i don't i don't gamble you know what i mean i'm too fucking old to go hang out and do that type of shift if i'm gonna booze i would just go back and drink by myself in the hotel room which is i'm not gonna do however excuse me how they're taking rick of water there um coincidentally and i don't know how this happened the all-in tour starring joe bartonik jason lawhead and paul don't say i'm from new jersey versey is gonna be there on the sunday night i'm there friday and saturday i can't fucking believe it they're gonna be right across the street you know so what am i supposed to do what am i supposed to

do what what i'm not gonna hang out with them you know it's funny that's gonna be like june 28th or 29th and uh what am i gonna do you know i gotta do it so i'm gonna go over there and i'll tell you it's funny as i've been dying for some miller high life there's something about the bottle i even think the beer tastes that good it's just the best bottle ever you know looks like a fucking lady and there's a part of me to relate to you sir i don't want to go back i miss it man i fucking love drinking but uh i like how i feel not drinking but um i don't know man as i said to versey before whatever the fuck i said about the devil in me the devil is uh devil is rearing his fucking ugly head i can't remember what the fuck i said to him but i i feel it like i i need to

what i'm hoping to do is just get absolutely plastered with them and then immediately go back to uh sort of uh not being an idiot and then actually doing these workouts that i was telling you guys about and you might think i'm obsessed with this stuff but i am i mean who wants to be a fat fuck nobody you know don't you want to be in good course you do all right i don't i don't need to get into this shit with you guys you know you're a bunch of adults um yeah i fat shame myself all the fucking time and it fucking works all right well let's get beyond this let's let's move in a different direction let's read another uh wait before we do that i haven't even talked about anything let's how about how about let's talk a little bit of hockey all right first and foremost all crown

the la kings the kings claim the crown second time in three years you know what's weird is i thought the blackhawks were going to win it and they were going to say that they were going to be a dynasty okay if they won three because that would have been 2010 2014 13 2014 so they would have won one they won one three in five years and they're saying how competitive with all the free agent signings and all that bullshit um three and five years would now be considered a dynasty so guess who's in line for next year the unthinkable the la kings a couple years ago you know we're actually more than that four fucking years ago the la king fan base was thinking are we ever going to fucking win one i bet if you talk to their fan base they will probably go and like dude i just want to see

them win it once they just win it once in my lifetime i am going to be happy yada yada yada yada and here we are four or five short years later if they win it again next year that would be let's see they would want it in uh 2012 then chicago 14 15 they would have won three and four years where they gave the patriots a dynasty so that would definitely be considered a dynasty none unbelievable what a fucking team you know and i also got to say hats off to the rangers because everybody thought like the east was a lot weaker than they were and despite the fact that they lost in five games i mean three of those ranger losses were an overtime um i definitely think the kings were clearly the better team but i just being a you know a Bruins fan i was happy that the east

you know we didn't get absolutely shelled the only tough game it was if you're a ranger fan to watch was that game uh game three when they lost three to nothing where they really just got shut down and game four i missed because i was working uh i think that's one of the rangers won two to one but whatever man it was great it was a great season and uh jim rom actually tweeted something where he said uh you know once something to the i retweeted it something to the effect that once again the nhl playoffs just showed you know just saying that basically that they were the best playoffs now i'm not going to be someone who says that i mean i think they are but i understand if it's not your sport but i'm telling you it's fucking insane um but however i have also been watching

the nba finals and i actually watch both conference finals and i've been enjoying that too and uh how about them spurs looking to close it out and you guys know whether they did or not um i won't know because uh it's the fucking afternoon here by the time i post this i don't know who the fuck knows all i know is uh it's been uh amazing to watch the spurs fucking great team how about that Leonard kid jesus christ you know what i like about him the one clip that i saw he shows up to the arena looking like he's gonna go play basketball as opposed to everybody else who for some reason show they show up like they're they're gonna fucking foreclose on somebody's house why do they wear the suits it's like if you're gonna wear the suits then you want to do it like

you know walt frasier you know and i'm using that reference because i actually uh i'm gonna get a little hollywood on you but i'm doing it because i'm promoting uh friend of mine's uh new documentary uh michael rapaport was nice enough to invite me to the premiere of uh screening of he's got a new documentary out um called when the garden was eaten based on uh a book by the same name that was about the 70 um and 73 new york nick championship teams and basically the building of that championship team and um there's a lot of overlap when i actually you know just knowing some of the rangers history the same thing where um the nicks just weren't even respected and that same thing just like the new york rangers like right around when playoff time

came around madison square garden also brought the circus in and the circus would sell more tickets than the rangers of the nicks would and uh so they would have to play like one year that the new york rangers i forget who the fuck they were playing i think they were playing the detroit pissed pistons the detroit redwings jumping sports here the uh detroit redwings and the stanley cup final and the circus was in town and madison square garden wouldn't let them play their home games in madison square garden so they actually had him play it i believe it was in maple leaf gardens where the toronto maple leaves played they considered that somewhat of a home game because leaf fans hated uh wings fans and they thought that leaf fans maybe would show up and

root for the rangers um there's a lot of that type of stuff um you really should see it if you get a chance i don't know i don't have a premiere date yet but i'm going to try to get him on the podcast again long time listeners remember his last his only visit to the podcast where he trashed me for the giants beating the patriots in the super bowl and all new york fans of course enjoyed enjoyed that go fuck yourselves but um it's it's a fucking amazing documentary and one of the funniest things about it without giving anything away is listening to rap a port trying to bait these guys into trashing boston and their fans it's fucking hilarious um so you definitely check it out it's going to be on he did it was one of those espn i don't know 30 for 30 60 for 60 i don't know what

the hell it is but it's it's amazing it's called when the garden was eaten all right is that i might might horn out enough things this week you know how about this i got another one for you that i actually watched downloaded legally paid my five dollars i watched david spades new stand-up special called my fake problems definitely checked that one out what i loved about it was i actually you know it's still his you know classic david spade but i felt it was really personal stuff like i it's easily his best special he's ever put out so if you're a fan of his or a new fan or curious man it was definitely worth the five bucks and that that's one of my bucket listings i want to see that guy live at some point but anyways let's let's get back to the uh let's get back to

the podcast here um what else what else have i been doing here i've been watching some world cup soccer my fucking tv just went out in the hotel room so i was watching france they were up three no three to nothing twa to uh zero however the fuck you say zero and uh i don't know i i get into the world cup i think it's fucking awesome and i do think soccer is a beautiful sport uh i just don't understand why my my complaint that i've always had with that fucking sport i don't give a shit about the lack of goals shit i watch hockey i still understand i think it's awesome i just don't understand why every fucking two minutes somebody collapses to the ground like they blew out their acl and all they did was get kicked in the shin and they have a shin guard there now i'm not saying

that i wouldn't collapse to the ground but i'm not a professional athlete you watch the fucking ufc those fucking maniacs kick the other fighter with that part of their leg now i know they come in at an angle but it's still their shin now if they can toughen their leg up to do to do that you know i don't understand why these guys can you make the fucking guard go all the way around their legs so we can keep the movement going so i don't know i mean i i don't know my idea of watching a sport is not every two minutes i see a man a grown fucking man in the fetal position with a look on his face like he's going to start crying and then somebody comes running up to another player gets right in his face like he's going to punch him and you're like oh great there's

going to be a fight and then he takes out this yellow card and sticks it up in the air like he's in some benny hill sketch other than that i love it the scarves the singing people going absolutely fucking nuts when they score i enjoy all of that so i'll continue watching it and this year is actually great too now that they uh they got it away from those crazy horns whatever the fucking those things were called now jesus what's who the fuck's calling me now huh who is this oh jesus hang on the lovely nia everybody nia i'm recording my podcast can i call you right back okay sweetie all right um anyways where are we here 43 minutes in i could tell by the way she said okay that i need to talk to her she's like okay oh jesus all right um what was i talking

world cup soccer so i have no idea who's going to win that all i know is i think that you know i think i've watched enough soccer to tell to know that you know the united states is definitely without a doubt gonna make the finals this year if not win the whole fucking thing okay look i know they're not going to win it but i just i want them to win it so bad because it would piss off the world on two levels one everybody fucking hates us so they're not going to enjoy us actually winning a true world championship where everybody was invited and we were the best and then secondly when like 40 people show up to the parade you know here in the united states just to watch everybody having to wait another four years to wait for their team to

win it and just see that we won something that we don't even give a fuck about right like some hot chick that gets a fucking you know a Bentley for a fucking 16th birthday oh my god why did you get that color i guess it's okay you know that would be us if we ever won the fucking world cup and i want it to happen i really do um anyways the same way i wanted my team to draft michael sam and i wanted to absolutely dominate because on two level levels it would annoy fans one that someone on my team was dominating their team and then two all the homophobes would be upset that this gay guy was just wreaking havoc all right oh speaking of soccer uh dear billy world class um oh actually you know i gotta pause here to reach read some more fucking uh sorry guys to

read some more fucking advertisers this is the last little group here let me do my little pause all right who's number two in the order uh dollar shave club everybody the big razor companies you know what they think we're stupid oh yeah every year they roll out some ridiculous shaving technology gimmick and expect us to shell out big bucks for it what are they up to 17 blades at this point all lifting and separating like abroad in the 70s do you really need a razor with a vibrating handle huh a roller pivot ball back scratcher egg timer laser pointer corkscrew huh i know i don't we were shaving just fine before any of that crap we were two blades that was all you ever needed you can get it under your nose they got so many blades you can't even shave under your nose

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sweetheart i told my buddy about the dollar shave club that would be you guys and he shares a subscription with his wife no lie i think it saved their marriage dollar shave club why are you writing all this crap you have a product that sells itself quit trying to make me sound more personal all right it's personal the way i fuck up the read okay my listeners can get started now at dollar shave club dot com slash burr and don't forget next week is fucking fun this day upgrade pop shave upgrade is wait upgrade pop shave with the dollar shave club gift card because he shouldn't have to pay more for his ridiculous shaving gimmicks either stop getting ripped off by the big getting ripped off by the big shaving companies join dollar shave club dot com slash burr uh

shave club dot what they wrote it three times in a row with no punctuation dollar shave club dot com slash burr then it says shave club dot com slash burr i don't even understand what it is dollar shave club dot com slash burr that's what it is b u r r okay this it's legitimate we don't need any bells and whistles on this thing just join it okay unless you want to keep getting screwed all right if you like to be Gillette's prison bitch keep doing what you're doing oh god look at that look at that little thing i just opened up those are my french words i stuck with it for two months and i don't remember any of them okay and i'm back here all right um all right soca dear billy world class uh i don't hate on soccer even though i have a problem with

it there are some great things about the game sometimes i wish i played it because it automatically it would mean i'd have great hair and abs apparently uh what pros and cons would you say there are to the game of soccer i think i already answered this i you know i just love out the whole world loves it and we don't love it and then we have the nerve to sit there criticizing it rather than sitting back going hey maybe we're wrong about this you know like the whole world's on like the fucking metric system and and we're not you know i know we're gonna stick with the uh the foot in the fucking yards so uh anyways let's i'm let me hear what your complaints are um let's see he says uh my biggest complaint other than the prat falls and wussy injuries

is that well dude well i gotta be honest with you if somebody is running full speed and steps on your your foot with a cleat i mean that's gotta fucking hurt i mean that's up there that's like taking a rista off your laces um is the fact that the refs control when the game ends they don't end the game until a play is over despite what the clock says uh no that's that's the penalty minutes for all those guys rolling around on the ground to have you relate to it that's like a snow day if you get a snow day in like elementary school you still have to go 180 days so they just tack on an extra day you were gonna get out of school on june 20th now it's the 21st that's how it works they keep track of the time he says however in a game yesterday i watched uh possession

changed twice and a yellow card being issued uh he puts in parentheses someone stubbed their toe and the refs still didn't stop the game you think nba refs can mess with the game the soccer refs got a few weapons of their own um yeah i guess yeah i guess they can when i talk about that i talk about the four major american sports united states of america what i'm talking about but uh yeah i guess you can give people yellow cards give them two yellow cards but i feel like the crowd kind of keeps the ref in check where you know i can nba ref can sit a player and uh you know i don't know if it was a big enough game maybe he'd get a couple of death threats but you know in the soccer world they'll actually carry they'll actually kill you they'll actually

run out into the field and like fucking saw your head off um there was something horrific that happened down in uh south america with this like 20 year old ref first of all he had a knife on him so he can tell him what kind of a fucking horrific refereeing job he knew he was going into and he got into it with some guy and i don't know what happened but he took out a knife and he stabbed this guy and i believe the guy died and then his brother the dude who died's brother and everybody else ran onto the field and they cut the dude's head off on the fucking soccer field you know and we flip out when run our test goes into the crowd and throws 15 punches and doesn't connect once basketball players are the worst they can't throw a fucking you know what it is it's because they were

nine feet tall in the third grade they didn't have to fight i some of the shorter guys the six foot ones you know they knew how to fight but i swear to god first of all they throw punches like they're trying to throw somebody out from like the warning track they do that overhand fucking a lot of them a lot of them they uh i don't know what the deal is that would be fucking scary right if you actually learned some martial arts i know kareem abdul jabar tried to act like he did in those bruce lee movies or maybe wil chamblin in uh cone in the barbarian did he fight in that thing or did he just sort of sit on that fucking yak i can't remember um anyways i don't i don't really uh i'm not going to criticize uh i'm not going to criticize world cup soccer the whole

fucking world loves it i understand that there's something wrong with me and you know i went to a game when i was over in england went to that arsenal game and uh nagalati it was the shit it was the shit we just don't have enough time to get into it you know like i would say if you if you're if you're into uh sports in the united states you're into football and you're into basketball for them or you're into football you're into hockey all right and maybe you watch a little bit of baseball that's how that's kind of where the pendulum is right now but there's very few people that can actually watch hockey and basketball at the same like the the amount of space that would be taken up on your fucking devia right i used to do it back in the day though back in the 80s man

when we had bird mackayl robert parish you know fucking uh denise johnson cedric maxwell ml kah right and then the bruins all through the 80s the the ending of stan jonathan wane cashment terrio riley into cam neely reyman bork right gord clu zack willy plet linden bias all of those fucking guys you didn't want to miss a game at least i used to just that's all you did just that there that's why i suck so bad in school aside from the fact that i was dumb was you know the beginning of the year school year it was football season so that fucked half my weekend right through january and by january i was in the throes of hockey and basketball season that shit ended around may and then it was

june and then i would just say ah you know maybe i'll try next year you know and then what happened then i'd go to summer school ah summer school what a fucking great time that was once you just got past the fact that you were still going to school what you really what you realized that you were now into this you boiled like it's like when you reduce something by heating it up and you basically they boiled off all the fucking nerds all the people that applied themselves and what you were left with was this high concentration of class clowns and absolute psychos and it was the i mean it was the best fucking it was like going to a goddamn comedy camp and where i went to summer school it was like three towns so you met these class clowns from three different towns and everybody

kind of had their own fucking style and you had to up your game i know i've told these stories before i they were just a time the guy poured the coke out on the guy mowing the lawn during the break and we all ran and we sat down and then our fucking teacher came in who was wearing bermuda shorts i swear to god i think they were pink he starts the lesson and all of a sudden the guy who was mowing the lawn comes in he's got he had on a white t-shirt and the coke had made brown stains all over the front of it and he just comes barging in and the fucking bermuda short teacher looks at him like what the fuck he goes hang on a second and he walks all the way to the back of the class and he sticks his fucking he had a square and rectangle head all at the same time

like a fred flintstone head he sticks it sideways through you know those school windows and then looks down he sees the puddle of coke right underneath the window and he's like yeah this is it which one of you threw the coke out at me and we're all just laughing laughing our ass off and then you know the kid who did it admits that he doesn't give a fuck he's not afraid of the principal you know he's on a first name basis with the guy and it was just like it was a great time other than losing your summer you know lose kid and hope you know i'm a redhead what was he gonna be out there sunbathing um all right continuing on all right uh this is somebody talking about last week daughter or gay son whore question from last week uh dear billy friend of gay

i'm a gay male and a listen a listener most of the issues that come up in everyday life pertain to the gay community are overblown i came out in the early 90s i was a bit more emotional and defensive about things back then because the climate was very aggressive towards gays the truth is we only have a real we have come a really really long way it doesn't mean that the prejudice is gone but it's a place where they're what where i think where the general consciousness of the country is in a much healthier place um last week arita asked who uh which you'd have a whore of a daughter or a gay son um let me start off by saying that i love neah and i can see why you do as well sometimes i think she is a bit hard on the listeners and quick to label label them as

caveman um i gotta tell you this for you and everybody else who thinks she's too harsh on you guys just know this she's not talking to you guys all right she's talking to me because she knows how i am and she knows what the fuck i say and this is what you gotta understand she lives with me so when i shut the mic off or whatever when i come home from a comedy club she hears the shit that i say and i'm just like you guys i say all kinds of shit that i've actually had a real job i you know i'd have to issue some sort of fucking apology you know what i mean because i'm a human being and i'm a moron so what she does is she thinks she knows all the shit that i say um most of which ends up on ends up going to the stage i usually end up taking to the stage

because she gets so mad at me and uh oh you know you know what one of them was this is actually a great story sorry guys i'm fucking in this high altitude and i just worked out and uh keep getting fucking dry mouth here i know it's disgusting to listen to me drink here i'm sorry um all right here's a classic one that bit i did about rihanna um about saying you know i'm not i'm not condoning what the guy did and ba ba ba but like you know i was basically speculating what happened you know what happened in the car before that shit went down i can't remember how the fucking bit went so i'm sitting there and i say that shit and she just goes don't even

fucking say it don't eat because of right when the story came out don't even she was doing that shit you know when somebody's so mad at you they can't even look at you she was putting her index finger up like going like hang on a second and she was just sort of looking up with her eyes closed don't even say it don't even fucking say and i just start laughing and i i of course you tell the comedian don't say it you know they're going to fucking say it it's like that mr saturday night scene billy crystal when he does that what's with the a fucking hair when they said don't say it no you got to say it so uh so i said whatever the fuck i said and then she got so mad at me or whatever and then we had a giant debate about a surprise surprise

and then like a week later completely unprovoked my mother-in-law was over and that story came up again and she goes you know that's terrible but i got to admit i wonder what she said and i start laughing and he is just like mom and i felt totally justified and whatever that ended up being that bit or whatever so getting back to what you're saying she's not she's not calling the listeners cavemen so don't don't label them as cavemen she's she's really talking to me because she thinks i'm a moron and then she thinks on the podcast that i am a pipe piper for moron she doesn't understand that the amount of people that listen to this just to listen to how dumb i am and laugh and feel better about themselves or maybe get fat shamed anyways back

to the uh the question hand here um he said however uh it is her opinion and i've never thought her wrong for it um this guy's being very diplomatic um in this case though she was way off the mark there was nothing discriminatory about the question in fact it was the exact opposite it was um and i wish she was here for this um it was an inclusive it was inclusive and represented the types of thoughts a man having a son could have raising alarm the way she did sensationalizes some issues that don't even exist we do not have chronic problems of wondering which sex we'd rather have be a whore the fact that the question was intended to be humorous humorous which she did acknowledge put it in a category of even less offensiveness um you of her have made many jokes

about a million things and implying this is off limits victimizes the sexual habits of either sex her intent was righteous uh but it it's this irresponsible alarming of any issue that makes it harder for a gay boy to be thought of equally and also makes it harder for a straight person to become comfortable with issues pertaining to sexual uh orientation ps you look better with the beard oh shit you know right as i was about ready to say that this was my probably the most grammatically like best written thing on the podcast you could have you could have read that on fucking meet the press you gotta yeah that was perfect you set me up but in the end you took a nice fucking uppercut um i like having a beard i also like being clean shaven so you know i'm sorry

you're just gonna have to keep looking at that poster of me above your bed sir okay because i'm i'm going clean shaven here for a while all right hear that clean shaven all right fat shaming i already read that one um what are we up to here we're up to an hour um graffiti a billy copper crotch ah gee look at just taking fucking rights and lefts here is this any way to treat your host you know i invite you over for free i help you with your commute and here you do fucking trash and my pubes over there um first off i'd like to say i'm a huge fan of the podcast oh i know how this goes yeah butter me up so then i put my guard down and then you fucking trash my fucking i don't know what my giant forehead he said always hilarious even even insightful at times

oh look at that even dummies write every once in a while uh gets me through the long commute to college every day he said uh Jesus christ this kid's 18 years old oh it's even insightful you little cunt um he said i'm an 18 year old from providence road island i've drank there i've been into art ever since i can remember i love all forms of it except those dumb ass sculptures that look like some moron welded a couple of scraps of junkyard metal together in a pathetic attempt at being uh creative uh but the one form of visual expression that has always been my hat and personal passion is graffiti um oh man the question got cut off wait a second wait a second wait a second i got it right here hold on hold on hold on as a graffiti writer i am very aware

that many people despise what we do consider it pointless ugly detrimental to society as well as childish yet i have been utterly curious to know what your opinion slash position of our art form is be it negative or positive i'd be ecstatic to hear you discuss it on the podcast for a bit best wishes to the lovely nia and you you old cunt go fuck yourself dude everybody's trying to steal around this week you know i feel like i'm winning and all of a sudden you fucking sugar rate lended me here um ps you should come perform somewhere in road island connecticut or boston soon me and my older brother have been dying to see some authentic billy boy stand up but we lack the finances to travel relatively far from home well i'll be there

definitely uh as i build up my next hour i haven't been to boston and uh i think i was february last year so i'm due i'm definitely do um all right so what is my what is my opinion on it i i definitely think it's an art form i definitely like any art form there's some i like more than others what i my only complaint is the canvas that you guys use i respect the ability to uh uh i mean some of some of the like someone who actually makes like a painting or something like that is incredible just sitting there tagging and writing your name then it comes down to how how visually i guess stimulating it is but my thing is to uh what kills a lot of it is if you actually spray paint on something that i was already appreciating and the fact that i know

that somebody else owns it and that you just spray paint it all over it i understand that a lot of that art is this outlaw thing um you know i mean i don't give a fuck you know those metal things that they pull down over the doors those are ugly to look at so when graffiti artists spray painted them i thought that those look better however you know if you come up like where i live you know there's these guys you know i don't know this fucking armenian gang and they they tag shit all the fucking time and it stinks it's just black spray paint and they just spray that fucking thing it's really dumb they write danger in one of their things which is really stupid and i i i've told you before that i i think armenians and russians are the pit bulls of uh

of human like i would not you i would not fuck with either one of them on any goddamn level however i will sit there in the safety of this hotel room in the middle of utah surrounded by Mormons and say that that that's kind of fucking lame to write danger um it's just stupid now i'm baiting them to do something dangerous but uh yeah i don't know i would say it it it i've seen documentaries on uh uh you know graffiti artists and i definitely have an appreciation for it but i i'm happy that they're off the subway trains in new york um i always hated that shit then they started scratching up the seats and shit and it's just like isn't it awful enough that these things are going to be filthy because so many people are in here do you have to fucking ruin it now

by scratching up the windows and all this type of shit and like i don't i don't you know all that bullshit that they say well you know i guess with some inner city kids they have this you know they feel invisible and this is their way of of what fucking ruining property i don't i don't know there's got to be a better way to do it but i have to tell you out in LA there's some amazing amazing stuff that i have seen so uh i don't know so i guess yeah i do appreciate it but sometimes you know just some of the shit like they got a lot of stuff uh you know LA is just classic for just tearing some beautiful old building down and then just sticking up a fucking strip mall and there's not a lot of stuff like that left so when there is something like that some art deco looking stuff

and some kid comes up and spray paints all over it um you know i don't like that i think i then i think it's ugly i think uh you there was already a piece of art and then you fucking like in a way it's like your cock block and you're not enhancing it or whatever um i would say that you know what is funny though is when you see somebody driving down the street and like some truck and there's just fucking graffiti all over it that always makes me laugh because i always think about uh the griswold family truckster when they pulled in they went to ask for directions which was absolutely hilarious you couldn't do a scene like that now because it would probably be considered too racist or whatever but it was fucking hilarious they pull in and they're stealing their hubcaps and all

that type of shit and spray paint it it was basically it was a def jam bit like what's his face chevy chase was the white guy you know hey how are you just trying to get back out on the highway you know that type of shit so oh you know what i forgot to bring up here's something else i wanted to show you guys before uh before i get out of here um is i got a new rear end put in on my truck i finally i you know i went out to texas when i hung out with those guys over at gas monkey they were telling me because i got still at that granny transmission in there and i wanted to keep it you know a three speed on the column i just think it's cool as hell to be shifting on the column and um so i didn't know i you know i didn't want to fuck with the linkage or something like that

where all of a sudden i didn't i don't i like i don't actually be honest with you i don't know if i put a fourth gear if that means now i got to have it on the floor it just always seemed was four on the floor three on the tree so um one of the guys over there at gas monkey was like yeah just throw a new rear ended you know that because my truck basically red lines at about it was at about 50 55 doesn't red line but it's it's making enough noise with the engines working too hard because it's basically designed to uh just kind of haul shit around on a farm um so whatever so i put a new rear end i didn't put a new rear end uh obviously uh it's i had some other guys do it and it's fucking amazing it's fucking amazing and now it's making me now it can cruise at like 65

which is night and day you know 55 to 65 65 you you're cruising at 55 you're actually going to cause an accident you bump up that x to 10 miles it's huge and now um i don't know i think i kind of got the bug i really want to keep the truck as original as i can but to the point that i've everything that i've changed on the truck i've kept the original like when i had an aluminum radiator put in i kept the original one i have that in my garage when uh christopher titus helped me do the the front brakes uh basically showed me what to do i kept the uh the drums and the shoes and all that shit i have that and now i have back there i have my pinion and ring gear from the rear end and um i found this great website i gotta find it

that actually explains gear ratios and how to do them you gotta check it out it's one of the coolest like fucking it's one of the coolest things sites i ever read as far as like mechanics go and you really understand like racing a lot better like the push pull of added it's all about weight you know trying to get the car to go as fast as it can while still keep keeping it as light as possible it's fucking amazing that whole balance um and just all the shit that they do to the car it just makes it i i feel like i moved up three levels in my limited understanding of it's really really fucking fascinating stuff and uh i already forget how to do gear ratios but i counted the rings on my old uh ring gear and and on the pinion and i was able to figure out what kind of rear

end that i had and i was trying to get over to the garage when they were putting the new one in because they were gonna actually you know show me how like the way titus showed me we're gonna show me some shit but of course ended up getting some crap that i had to do so i wasn't able to do it but um so that'll be it i'll show you the rock climbing thing i'll show you the guy showing you how to do a muscle up and i'll show you uh what else what i just talked about the gear ratios oh and then the last thing too just to keep it fair so it's not all testosterone stuff i'm gonna show you a a fucking youtube clip that i saw today on how to basic it's pretty basic how to just make an egg within some bread you know like an egg over easy and this woman actually

makes it with little heart shape so you can do it for your wife i'm telling you this is the type of shit you do that you know so then when you actually fuck up they have that in their head oh well he made me an egg in the heart shape thing so i watched this thing showing you how to do it it's really basic uh which is why i could understand it but i have to i gotta show you this thing i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to bait you guys into writing a bunch of mean comments all right there's something in the video that is super fucking annoying that you're not supposed to make fun of so i won't all right but i'm just letting you know that you know there's cute and then there's fucking annoying and i felt that this video went into annoying but other than that

i'll put that up there anyways all right but keep your comments fucking nice you guys you guys say way too much mean shit a lot of you too you guys go way over the top you know if you don't like my wife being on that i get it you can just say that you don't have to go as far as you're fucking go so really uh you know i mean it's fucked up me saying that considering i trash everything but uh you know just fucking dial it back a little bit all right your cunts all right that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourself i'm telling you right now united states i'm praying they make the world cup final i'm praying that they win it and i'm praying that 40 people show up all right that's it go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week

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