Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-17-21

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

Bill rambles about the HABS, fat gingers and numbing your member.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. How's it going? How are you? Are you doing all right? You know something? I actually have a fucking bone to pick with all these NHL fans out there who keep telling me, don't worry, don't worry, the Canadians are going to lose the next round. Don't worry to, you know, Toronto has, they got them right where they want them. They're going to win the game six. They're going to win the game seven. Toronto is a loser organization. Winnipeg is going to wipe the fucking floor with them, mop the floor with them. They fucking sweep

Winnipeg. Now they're playing Vegas. All right. Now they're with the big boys. The first couple of rounds, you know, you can be a decent team. You can sneak through yada, yada, yada. What happens? Vegas goes out, wins the first game, four to one or something like that. Pretty handily. Pretty handily, that might add. And then last night I watched the Canadians come out and they just fucking jumped on them and they look like two very evenly matched teams. And I got to tell you something. I'm done listening to other people giving me false hope. You know, I feel like waiting for the Canadians to leave is like when they, when your flight is delayed and they just go, we're going to board in another 15 minutes, 15 minutes

later. It's just going to be another 15 minutes. All right. Listen, you know, I hate the Canadians. I don't really hate the Canadians. I hate their fucking fans. You know that, but you also hopefully know that I'm not going to sit here like some liberal who jumped all over Trump and is now going to ignore the fact that Joe Biden literally forgets what he's saying mid sentence and it's not going to hold his feet to the fire. I ain't going to do the sports version of that. I got to give it up. I got to give it up. All right. Two things. All right. The Habs are a good fucking team and they got just as good a chance as anybody would in this fucking thing. I hate saying that, but it's true. I really enjoyed watching them play last night. And

actually I had to set aside my hate for their fans and be like, wait a minute, Bill, your team's out of it. Right. When whoever hoists the Stanley Cup, you know, over their head lifts it, the season's going to be over. Then what are you going to do? There's no more hockey. So I am rooting for seven games in both of them. I'll still, you know, still rooting for Vegas. Huh? That dirty slimy town. They don't even need to make ice on that fucking thing. They're right on the strip. They should just fucking be skating on all the fucking sleaze of the sorry. Anyway, it's a different time, Bill. Vegas is for kids now. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, I saw a clip from the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. I don't know

if you've heard of it. It's kind of doing well. He had this guy on. I couldn't tell what he was. You know, that's what I love about Joe's podcast. If I don't know who the guest is, the person could be anywhere from an MMA fighter to a scientist, conspiracy theorist, nutritionist. You have no, he just runs the gamut, runs the gamut. So I'm sitting there, looking at this guy going, all right, what is this guy? Is this guy a big wave surfer? Is he a martial artist? Is he, you know, a life coach? Sounds like a life coach. Okay, he's going that way, right? You know, your brain, your brain just, your brain is like a casting director. It's just whatever it sees, that's what a cast a person has until you hear shit

coming out of their mouth. And it's like, oh, he's a police officer. You know, somebody comes in with fat fingers. You're like, all right, they're a baker. He's needing some dough and he decided to do the podcast. So anyways, the guy came in there and he said that was talking about gambling and the suicide rate. And he said that that's why in Vegas, there's no balconies. So people won't jump to their death. And I never knew that. I don't even know if that's true, but that's one of those things you're like, wow. At what point were they, you know, if that is true, the amazing thing about that is at some point the hotels had balconies. So you're sitting there running a casino and people keep jumping

to their death. And you're just sitting there, you know, talking to somebody, the phone rings, all right, hang on. I got a phone call. Hello. Again. Okay. Was it on the lobby side where people could see it? All right. Okay. It's in back. All right. Relax, relax. This kind of thing happens all the time. Just, you know, hose them off into the, you know, right out to the threshold there. Try to get it on circus, circus's property. Okay. Is there anybody else there yet? Okay. We'll turn on the hose now. All right. I'll talk to you later, right? And it gets off the phone. He looks at the other mob guys. It's like, you know, we've got to get some locks on those doors or the next one we build, it just, it just can't have any balconies, right? Or maybe the mob

didn't give a fuck because you can't sue the mob. You can sue a corporation. But anyway, so two things. The Montreal Canadians are a good goddamn team. And they got just as good a chance as fucking anybody because the Islanders came in and fucking hit Tampa right in the fucking chops. Game one, Tampa comes back, goes, oh yeah. You think so? You fucking animals on Long Island thinking you're going to hoist the first one since 83? I don't think so, right? They fucking come in. Fucking gave them the business right up to fucking face washes after the final seconds ticked off. One of the guys got thrown down in the ice, possibly injured. I don't know. I don't know who, right? All I know is if I ever get a hair system, I want it modeled after that number 14

on the fucking Tampa Bay Lightning. I got to tell you something. He almost got into a fight and the refs fucking jumped into it like we were on the real housewives because they never let him fight, right? Jumps in the middle of it. So then number 14 goes to the fucking penalty box before he puts his helmet on. He just gives us that lion's mane a little shake, huh? Just for the ladies who are watching. Oh man, that hurt me and my bald freckled head. I was like, God damn it. That fucking guy is, does he even understand how blessed he is? So anyway, I think these are actually two really great series. A lot of people, I don't know if it's called the East anymore. I have no idea what the COVID fucking conference is now.

I know people are trying, oh, the Tampa Bay is going to fucking handle the island. There's no problem. Well, we'll see because tonight they play again, but I'm really enjoying everything that's going on. And I'm already like, all right, whatever. If the Canadians win it, you know, what am I? Am I going to be that fucking guy who's then going to ruin his summer? Because some team that's already fucking 30 Stanley Cups in front of us, one another one, I don't give a fuck. So I'm just going to enjoy it. All right, so there you go. There you go. You pocket squared, cunts in Montreal. I gave it up to you. You got a good fucking team. You should be very happy. I'm sure you are. Just try to be a little less racist, okay,

before you fucking attack America again. A bunch of animals up there. That's what I always loved about that Michael Moore fucking documentary. Was it bowling for Columbine where he made Canada look like, and just, you know, you go up there and everybody's just, you know, would you like a shot of syrup? Everybody's just so friendly. All right. Plowing ahead here. So yeah, I said two things. The Canadians are a good goddamn team. And secondly, Kamala Harris is going to be your first fucking female president really quickly. Jesus Christ. We have just been, we have been on a fucking tear. The last one, two, three, four, five presidents.

You know, ever since George Bush senior, right? That guy was like the last class act that's kind of been there. I feel, because, you know, he could have gone in, you know, after, after we, you know, we defeated Saddam and Kuwait, he could have gone in, you know, to Baghdad and he was, he played by the rules. He was like, you know what? This isn't what we said we were going to do over here. We need some sort of fucking something or other to go in there. We don't have it. So when, so we stop. That's what the fuck he did, right? And the next guy comes in, Dick hanging out of his fucking pants for eight years, you know, just fucking like, I don't know what,

bombed the country to get fucking the blowjob press away from him. Okay. And then the next one, we get this fucking guy, can't even fucking deliver a speech. Coalition of the willing, which was like his idea in like Rhode Island gets us into a 20 year fucking never ending war that bankrupts the country. Then the next guy comes in says he's hope and starts drone bombing weddings. And then he got fucking Trump. He comes in like, you know, those neo-Nazis say, you know, they, I can see this side of this fucking story. And then we got forgetful Freddie. I don't know what we're doing. I kind of feel like with Bill Clinton, actually, you know what I did a movie about this with Gary Hart when they went

into Gary Hart's personal life and he had to answer for his infidelities and all that shit. All of a sudden, once the mainstream press started acting like, this is what I learned on that movie, that that was the first time the mainstream press started acting like the national inquirer. And ever since then, I think that what they go for is they just go from marrow with these people that are running for president and they try to dig up every fucking thing that they ever did wrong and embarrass them and literally ruin their families. And I think anybody who's like a decent human being who's like, I don't want to put my family through that is kind of fucking backing off. Like, I don't think I want to go for the fucking brass

ring of the presidency, presidency, because it just seems weird to me that like, I mean, all of them were always like that. And the press didn't just dig that deep. So maybe the press should just sort of back off and just understand that people are inherently flawed and we all made mistakes, myself included. Everybody's, you're a human being. It's what's so dumb about people going back into somebody's Twitter account. Let's go back to see if this person ever made a mistake. I found one stupid. So anyway. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Billy Bakesale was sitting in the car yesterday and my jeans were like digging into my fucking waist. And I was like, All right, this ends now. All right, this fucking ends now. So last night.

This is what I did. I actually had my slice of cake earlier in the morning. I'm not throwing out the cake. All right. What happened was I had a surprise party that my unbelievable wife got for me if you haven't been listening to the podcast. And then somebody ordered this delicious cake, but it was from another restaurant. So because of COVID, they couldn't cut the fucking thing up. So we took it home. And there it sat. And I sat across from it. And I fucking basically ate three quarters of a three layer chocolate cake with yellow cake with chocolate frosting. I enjoyed every fucking bite as I did it. And then afterwards I would have like heartburn because I was, I was making, I was taking like Fred Flintstone cuts out of the thing.

Literally the reason I had to quit drinking is why I can't have a whole cake sitting in front of me. Because I just look at it not much like I got to have it, man. I look at it like a challenge. I bet I can finish that before it goes stale. I used to look at bottles of bourbon. I bet I can finish that in three nights. A third, a third, a third, a little more than the third, right? 33%, 33%, 34%. I can do it, right? So last night, I went on a, I stopped eating at five o'clock. Could have ate a little better, but you know, I'm easing into this. And then I went for a nice walk, an old man walk, listen to some music and all of that, crush some waters before I went to bed, got a nice night's sleep. And I'm just going to be doing that because I am not going to be

billy fat tits when I do my fucking show in Vegas. All right. Nobody wants to sit in 110 degree heat and look at an overweight bald ginger. Okay. And I respect that. See, that's the difference between me and these so-called feminists who are really just a bunch of people who don't want to go to the gym, you know, they just want to show up after eating cake and have everybody's got to sit there and look at it. See, I actually put myself in the position. I have empathy. I'm progressive. I'm thinking about you guys. You don't want me coming out there with my fucking, you know, you know, you get so fat, like your fucking belly button just becomes like a horizontal line, you know, just another roll of fat. Like it's just literally your navel

is never going to see the light of day again. I can't do that. I can't do it to myself. I can't do it to America. So I'm on it right now. I'm on it right now. I woke up this morning and I made a, I made this tofu spinach and pesto scramble. I don't have a fucking tofu for you. What are you going to suck a cock now? Well, you know, you know, that shit's actually causes cancer. It all causes cancer. All right. But some of that cancer causing poison that is now our food supply, because the people in the food industry are not held to the same standards as a stand-up comedian telling a joke at a strip mall. Huh? Think about that one. I got a bigger chance of getting in trouble telling jokes on that fucking Vegas strip than somebody who runs a company that

poisons the entire fucking food supply. They're not getting in trouble. They're throwing their merch money at all of these fucking fumbling, stumbling, bumbling, fucking presidents we've just had. Anyway, so that's it. I am going to, I'm drinking waters. I'm eating right. I'm staying away from all the bad food. I'm going for fucking walks. And I think I'm going to do what usually happens. The first five days, you do a nice, you do a nice damage to your gut, right? But then by after the fifth day, about the first week, your body starts to adjust like, oh, oh, is this what we're doing? Is this what we're doing? And that's why I accidentally stumbled onto something I called it stomach confusion. You know, they had, you know, they have muscle confusion where it's like,

you do all these exercises and after a while, your body just gets used to it. You don't get any gain. So you got to throw in some new exercises and your muscles are evidently like, I can't figure it out, man. And you get bigger. I do the same thing. You know, I have the thing like you just eat well for like, you know, five days, and then you just have something you just eat like shit. And your body's like, what the fuck is this? I thought we were eating right. And then the next day, the next day, you eat well. And your body's like, Oh, good. Oh, thank God. Thank God. You know, it's like a physically abusive relationship. You know, the other person after a while, you know, a good day to them is they don't get smacked in the head. And I know right now,

all the broads are listening to this, putting the only abusive relationship that there is physically is the male hurting the female. Okay. No one ever stops to think, what about a younger brother? To an older brother, that is just inherently a physically abusive relationship. And a good day for me was if I could walk down the hall, past my older brother and not get fucking punched in the fucking shoulder slapped in the worst was when it wasn't the least the shoulder you saw coming. The worst was when you walk past and be like, Oh, shit, I think I got it. And then you get that smack on the back of the head that made your teeth come together and your eyes close and would make you so mad that in that split second as you turned around,

you thought you could beat up your older brother. You know, before you were quickly slammed into the wall. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I'm like, Joe Biden, what the fuck was my train of thought here? Maybe I should be president. Let me do it. I just saw a clip of the guy. He literally just tapped out. Anyway, he knows me, you know, knows that I get things done. And when I want to get things done, I whatever. It's like, wow, wow. I think the only reason why liberals are going to get on him is because they want to see the first woman president. Not because this guy doesn't seem to have the mental capacity to be our leader right now. They're going to want it for the narrative,

rather than for the right reason of the vice president still has is of sound mind. What does this say? What does this say for women? It's a weird time, people. It's a weird time. And I'm a weird guy. So I mean, I think I'm, I think I'm doing all right during this weird time. Hey, today was, is the first day of summer vacation for the kids in my house. And I had such a great time just waking up, not having to drive my daughter to school and just being able to chill out and felt like Saturday. And I came downstairs and I made everybody some scrambled egg and some toast, you know, did all the dishes, wiped down the counter. And then I made my little tofu

pesto thing, did those dishes, made sure the fucking kitchen was like immaculate and all of that. I can't even tell you how much I love doing that. You know, as much as I miss doing stand up in front of live crowds and stuff like that, I don't miss doing the road, being away from them. And what's the only good thing, you know, one of, you know, there's been some positives about the whole pandemic, you know, Zoom meetings, as much as people hate those things. Isn't it nice that just the second it's over, you're home, you know, isn't it nice that, you know, you can do the letterman thing and only have to dress nice

from the waist up in the bottom. You can have like sweatpants on, you know, that was nice. But the other thing is I actually got to live the life of a local comic. Like there's definitely been some times, especially the last 20 years watching like what the sports teams in Boston did and all those championship parades and I never went to any of them. I did go to game two of the 2004 World Series. I did go to the first time the Patriots won the Super Bowl and went to that one. And the Bruins, I did go to the Bruins when they came back against the Maple Leafs. I did see a few of those things, but there was definitely at times when I was thinking like, you know, it would have been cool. What if I was just one of those guys

comics that never left Boston? I just stayed there and I made my money and, you know, the worst gig I would have, I'd have to drive all the way out to Springfield and back in one night. But then the next day I'd be there, you know, there's something to be said for that. And it's a great life. And I'm telling you, I keep telling you guys to watch this. It's the most important life lesson I think I've seen in a while was that Marvin Hagler response when Sugar Ray Leonard wanted the rematch. And Sugar kept, Ray Leonard was kept fighting, was addicted to the ring and all of that. But if you know his back store, you understand why he was doing that. So, but just Marvin Hagler, his response when Sugar Ray Leonard sent that guy

over at the party or something, said, Hey, Sugar Ray, we'll give you a rematch. We'll make a ton of money. Let's do it. What do you say? And he said, tell Sugar to get a life. That's amazing. You know, not like, no, I'm not coming down on Sugar Ray Leonard because of, you know, stuff that happened because I don't want to ruin it. But like you could, like what happened to that guy is just the worst thing ever. And then like the ring became like his place where he actually felt like he was in control. But Marvin Hagler didn't know his back story. So, but what I'm taking out of that is that life lesson of having a life outside of your career is the greatest for like happiness. It's just the greatest fucking thing you could ever do. So

Jesus Christ, I have to, I have to stop going to therapy because this, this podcast has just become, it's slowly turning into guys, just try to fucking do what you want to do in life and be nice to people. All right, let's do the, let's do some reads here. I mean, who would have thought I'd say something like that after I complimented the fucking Montreal Canadians and then just went into that syrupy shit. All right, all birds, everybody, all the fucking flappers, all birds. You know, it's really getting warm out. And we're starting to feel more hopeful about the rest of the year. It's time to get out there with all birds, lace up and feel good with all birds. And there's sustainably made tree runner shoes. These shoes fascinate me.

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at allbirds.com, A-L-L-B-I-R-D-S.com. You know something? Everybody's trashing these younger kids and generations, millennials, generation Z and all that. These are the kids that are going to fuck it. And if anybody's going to turn around, it's going to be them. All right, people from my generation and on, we're too buried in the lie. You know, by dig made of plastic, use it, it breaks, throw it out, don't get fixed, you know? Planet will be dead, won't die before I do. That dumb shit. So good for these young kids. I like what the youth is doing. And I can't stand old people that all they do is shit on younger people. I can't tease them a little bit, you know? Nobody's above a teasing, you know, unless you're a white female feminist.

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All right, so that's it. All right, I got to go downstairs and do my band workout. Ba-ba-ba, freckled tits, pasty stomach, hanging over his belt. This is when you know you're fat, when your belt buckle is heating up from the backside of your stomach, of your belly, when you sit down in the cab. When you drive with the air conditioning on full blast, even at night, it's probably a good idea that you maybe need to drop some weight. When you get none dressed at night and your wife sees the side of your fucking your hips there and she goes, what happened to you? Did you get into a fight? No, that was just me being too stubborn to move up a notch on the belt.

That's what those red welts are about. All right, whatever. See this right here? This is called fat shaving. I'm my own corner man. I'm fat shaving myself. All right, there Billy Cupcake. Hey, Billy Sprinkles. Hey, old ice cream scope. Fucking lay off the sherbet, will you? I've actually, I don't think I've ever tried more than a mouth and a half full of sherbet in my life. I ate it. I'm like, God damn, that is too fucking tangy and it doesn't give me the sugar right rush. Fuck this shit. And you know what? Maybe that was my big mistake. Let's look this up right before I get out of here. Is sherbet healthy? Is sherbet healthy? Most sherbets in sorbets have about the same number of calories as light or low fat

or non-fat ice cream or frozen yogurt. But what they lack in fat they make up for in sugar which in my opinion makes them no healthier. Who the fuck wrote that? They wrote it June 9th, 2010. They just dropped the mic. The scoop on low fat frozen treats. Learn the difference between light ice cream, sherbet, sober. I don't want to read all of this. Oh Jesus Christ. It's written by a woman named Joy. So tell me she's going to get to the point quickly. And to further elaborate, Joy, could you come up here? Every guy's head in the room. Oh, fuck. It looks like we're not getting a lunch today. Looks like we're working through lunch. All right. Okay everybody, that's the podcast. You know, there's no Joy in listening to somebody named Joy describe something.

Stop name-shaming. Please listen to the music and then there's a bonus Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the hockey. I'm still pulling for the Vegas nights, but I got damn it, man. I'll tell you, if you're in Las Vegas right now, you have to be fucking staring into your crack pipe being like, what in the fuck? I thought we'd be up two games to none. You're crawling around that motel rug looking for a nugget, another nugget. Sorry. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you guys on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 17th,

2013. You hear what I added something there? I usually just say, it's the Monday morning podcast. And I went, it is the Monday morning podcast as if to suggest that I'm even more impressed with myself this week than I usually am. How you guys doing? How's your Monday? Yeah, do you have a bad one? Oh, it's okay. Cause there's always Tuesday. What you guys do if I actually wrote a show too in about Tuesday was a blatant ripoff of Annie, you know, you know, I could actually play Annie when I was younger, when I was 12, I could have played Annie. Oh, you know, sad and fucking true, that is I really could have, you know, 12, my voice still hadn't changed. I had this big stupid fucking, you know, you know, I was in getting into metal music. I tried to grow my hair long,

but it just, it was too thick back in the day. Still wish it was thick, but we just fucking grow out into like an Afro. I just look like an extra on like welcome back Carter, you know, which is fuck, which would have been cool in the late seventies. You know, I missed my fucking wheelhouse by like, I swear to God, maybe six, seven years. If I had been born instead of 1968, if I had been born in 1962, but then you know what, I would have been, I'd be 51 right now. You know, I would have started podcasting late in the game, you know, being all grumpy. Anyways, somebody told me a funny joke that they had in the onion. I don't know if you guys read that, that, that periodical, whatever the fuck you call it newspaper.

Um, faux news. Is that what it's called? I don't fucking know, but they had something where there was somebody sitting in front of a laptop, I guess with an anger anguished look on their face. I haven't seen it, but it says, uh, something over 250,000 podcasters stress trying to find guests for their podcasts this week. You know what? That made me feel good. That made me feel really good because, uh, I don't have any guests on my fucking podcast. Rarely do I have guests and that's the fucking main reason because I don't want to have to sit there and try to work with other people and their schedules and that type of shit and fucking, you know,

I don't want to interview my friends. So what, what is your middle name? I don't want to do that. And then, you know, they fucking book shit, then they cancel on you and then you're struggling for a guest and then you have somebody in there and you're like, wow, I wanted this person to realize that they weren't my first choice. You know, speaking of which that reminds me, I have to get back to Jay Moore. I've been coming in and out on the war, on the war, going in and out on the road. Why did I say the war? Because I was just reading a bunch of international shit, I think. And, uh, yeah, he sent me a very flippant text message that I, they intend on addressing, you know, classic East Coast guy, he just can't ask you to be on

the podcast. He has to put you on the fucking defensive, you know? So I'm going to call him today, try to set up a time to do his podcast and, and, and we'll fucking discuss his flippant, fucking text message to me, which I did not appreciate. All right. See that Jay, I'm fucking, I'm cross pollinating here, right? Fucking guy texting me. He's texting me. He comes to me with this fucking tone like I owe him money. You know, where is that fucking text message? He writes this shit like gathering, uh, I gather by hearing you on other people's podcasts, you're back in town. Cause I told him a few weeks ago, he said, can you do my podcast? I go, no, I'm out of town. And then I was, I went over to Burke Christchers house. I'll give you the whole

fucking soap opera. Cause I go over to Burke Christchers cause I'm trying to get him on our all things comedy podcast network, right? So I'm shooting the shit over. I'm pitching the fucking network to Burke Christchers. And, uh, he goes, well, well, there's my podcast. Shouldn't do, but let's do a podcast. So that's what happened. So then Jay gets his tears me on birds. This is what I'm guessing. Here's me on birds. And he's like, I thought this guy said he's out of town. Now you guys fucking panties all in a Jersey bunch. And then he sends me this fucking thing. Well, I gather you're in town. Let me tell you something, Jay Morse, Jay to the motherfucking Morse. Okay. I am not under any contract with you or anybody else in this podcast

world. You understand me? I am a free man and I will fucking podcast with whoever the fuck I want to whenever I want to young man. That being said, I'm going to try to do Jay's podcast this week. Oh, we're so sensitive. I love you, Jay Moore. All right. Okay. Continuing on, speaking of fucking wars, because maybe I'll start having a war with Jay Moore. It'd be good. It'd be good for both our podcasts. Speaking of that shit, not like I'm gonna I'm just all bullshit. Okay, before you guys fucking go epic, epic fucking something, something, Twitter, knockout, whatever the fuck you you know, it's all I'm trying to say. I don't fucking know what anything's called. Anyways, I was on I was reading the news today as I do. I got one of those iPad

minis for my birthday. So now what I do is I sit out on my front porch like a fucking old man in a rocking chair. And you know, that's something I was fighting, fighting how great it felt to sit on a front porch, sitting on a rocking chair, reading the 21st century's newspaper, you know, I don't have the paper in my hand. And there's not some little kid that comes in. Hey, Mr. Right, throws the thing over the fucking wall. And hey, thanks. Thanks a lot there, Johnny Apple seed, right? I give him a nickel and he goes, Oh, thanks, Mr. He goes down and buys like fucking 80 pieces of candy, like you could back in the day, right? Down to the penny arcade. You know, some guy down there with the fucking Derby on beating you with a cane. I was fighting that feeling.

I'm just sitting out there. I'm telling you right now, just fucking give in to being an old fuck like me. Sit out on a front porch. If you don't have one, use your neighbors, right? He's at work. Fuck him. That's his fault for having a job. You're in between jobs. Nobody's using his porch, right? Technically, that's not even his porch. At least the land isn't that belongs to the era court or the fucking the Apache, depending on where the hell you live. That's not his fucking land. Well, because a piece of paper says it is, I don't fucking know. So I'm sitting out there on on on my front porch on my rocking chair. And I was just reading about, uh, I'm trying to figure out why we are arming the rebels in Syria, right? And why Russia is arming

the dude in power there, that Assad guy, whatever the fuck his name is, right? I can't figure out. I'm trying to figure out what both sides have to gain. You know, was that president cool with us? And he was giving us whatever he wanted. And now he's not. So we're like, fuck him. We're going to help the fucking rebels. I have no idea. I fucking scoured the internet for at least three minutes before I did this podcast that I could not find one fucking reason why we were doing it or why Russia was doing what they were doing. Now Russia is saying that the reason why they, they actually gave a reason. They said the reason why they are backing the dude in power in Syria is because the Syrian rebels kill, uh, Syrian soldiers

and then eat their hearts in front of the locals. And if that doesn't sound like a bunch of bullshit, I don't know what is. So that's his justification. He goes, well, you know, they're fucking sitting there, right? Eating the entrails like licorice, you know, we don't want to be a part of that. And, uh, but as far as I can tell, we haven't said why we're backing them. I don't know because they want democracy, which is what we always say, but then usually it's there's something else we want there, you know, something in their gift shop that we got our eye on. So I have no idea. So I'm going to pay attention to it. You know what I'm actually thinking? I'm just thinking back at this is just like, uh, we're just making money.

I think that that's what this meeting is about Northern Ireland. Right. And we're like, the US is just like, well, listen, we don't manufacture anything in our country. Every more, anymore, everything's fucking left. You know, if any luck we can fucking legalize weed. We'll finally have something to export again. So basically we're not making any fucking money. And Russia's just like, hey, you know, you know, we're fucking, uh, we got a big shit storm over here too. All right, we'll arm this side. You arm that side and they kind of blow each other up and we make a little money. What do you think? Sound good? All right. Let's make some money on two, on two, ready, break. Then they walk out.

Then that's it. So anyway, it's those rich cons who run the world, I guess they're in Northern Ireland this week and there's no protesters. There's like 2000 protesters. You know, as much as I bitch, I don't think I'd ever go to a protest. It's just so much work. You got to make that sign, you know, and none of the big thing is you got to be informed. You know, you know, you're informed as a protester. They don't show your interview on TV. They always show the biggest fucking wing nut at those things, you know, half a titty out face fucking painted, you know, hey man, like it ain't right, man.

That fucking hatchet dude. I don't know. Sorry. This podcast, this podcast is all over the place, but you know what? I have been all over the place. I had another wonderful quick tour. I did St. Louis, Cleveland, Ohio and in Buffalo, New York. And I got to tell you, I spent way too little time in each city. I had a great fucking time in each and every one of those places. Let's start with St. Louis meet me in St. Louis, Louis. I can't remember the name of the fucking place I'm playing. Everything's named the pageant or the palace. I don't fucking remember. And then my, my website takes it off the second. It's the day of the show. It takes it off the thing. So now I don't even fucking know.

Anyways, I performed in this wonderful theater that I've been to before, that I'm actually going to look up right now because the owner is so fucking cool and I'm being a dick right now. Let's see here, St. Louis, Bill Burr. Let's see what comes up here. Bill Burr bombs in St. Louis. What the fuck is it now? Where the hell is it? Oh, there it is. The pageant. Played the wonderful pageant theater. And right up the street there, they got a, they had all the other cool old record store, which I never got into. They had a great pizza place and they also had, they had this fucking, this bowling alley slash cool bar and it was perfect. It was just enough

for the old bowling alley thing and not, not like a whole hipster thing with the bar and all it had was like fucking eight lanes. It wasn't one of those places that has like 40 fucking lanes. So me and Jason Law had went in there killing time during the day and we bowled one frame. We were fucking horrific. I bowled in, I think I bowled in 87. You know, I bowl once every five years by the time I figure out how to get some, so I bowl a straight ball of course, but by the time I figure out how to fucking, you know, get back into that rhythm, whatever the fucking is that I'm doing wrong, my fucking hacky swing there. I'm usually in the fucking six frame. Is that the right thing? Had a beer. They had a great time

and I went into their, their, uh, they have a, they have a city park there and I was thinking there's no fucking way because they're like, you know, it's one of the biggest parks in all of the United States. And I'm like, well, I've been through Central Park. It's not going to be as big as that shit. This thing was fucking huge. Highly recommended. If you don't like going to gyms, I like to work out outside, just walk around and that type of thing. They got like a fucking golf course. There's a goddamn zoo in there, right? I'm walking around the outskirts. All of a sudden I'm looking at a fucking zebra, right? I think it was, I walked the whole way around the outside. It had to have been at least four, four and a half, five miles and, uh, it was a great time.

Then I went bowling, went out, had a great show. What did we do that night? Oh, then we went upstairs to the rooftop bar at like this, the blue moon or whatever the hell it is, the moon tower hotel that I was staying at and, uh, went up there, hung out, met some people after the show. Everything was good. And then there was these two fucking hilarious kids who were like, uh, like 21, 22 years old, level drunk, you know, this fucking dude came up because somebody had yelled something about Tim Tebow during the show. So he comes out to me, he's like, I don't know, you know, Tim Tebow stuff. And I'm like, all right, all right, cool man. Great. Glad you had a good time. Three minutes later, it comes up to me.

All right, man. Yeah, I understand you. You already said that. You already said, you're not driving, are you? Okay. All right, dude. Listen, I'm going to be over here with some friends. I got to go. All right, see you sit down fucking like half hour later. I'm coming back from taking a piss. I come back up and he's sitting down where I was sitting. And he just go, it's Tebow fuckers. And he was such his buddy at this point is trying to get him up out of the chair and he refuses to get up or help. And the other guy's too drunk to get him out. So it was like this fucking keystone cop shit of this dude trying to drag his friend out of the fucking chair. And we're all sitting there

being like four or five other people looking at them. We finally just picked our drinks up. We went to another table and I think it took him another 20 minutes to get him out of the fucking chair. Oh, speaking of Tim Tebow, everybody. Huh? Who's got the Jesus freak? We do. I love all these more on football fans who would think that there's going to be like a quarterback controversy. Now that we have Tim Tebow. Are you forgetting that Bill Belichick is a genius? Okay. And don't even talk to me telling me he's a fucking cheater. All right. I didn't want to hear that shit. All right. Unless you're going to fucking take down every other goddamn coach, including old Mr. fucking twinkle toes up there in Seattle.

Pete Carroll, could you look any more honest than fucking Pete Carroll? Right? Look at that guy. He looks like that fucking Mr. Green Jean guy, the next door Flanders on fucking the Simpsons. He doesn't have the glasses, but he has that vibe. Flanders actually looks like William H. Macy with John Lennon glasses. But I'm saying Pete Carroll's vibe is that but then you look at the shit he did at USC and right before the shit at the fan and they were going to get suspended. He fucking takes off and goes up to Seattle. Hey, and what was Pete Carroll guilty of at USC doing everything everybody else does at that fucking level. All right. So are you cunts who call Bill Belichick cheaters? You're morons. All right. That's the

way the game is played at that level. There's millions of dollars. There's yachts. There's horse. The second that shit is at stake. Recognition, legacy, forget it. All the rules are out the fucking when they're all being bent. All right. So anyways, this is why the Patriots are gonna are gonna if Tim Tebow is ever going to excel in the NFL, it's going to be with the New England Patriots and I'll bring you one fucking play. I'll leave it giving you I'll give you a link to it. The reason for it was was back when Doug Flutie was playing with us. Not Doug Flutie. Who the fuck was it who did the pooch kick? Wait, wait a minute. Do I have that wrong? Am I that old?

What was that? That famous fucking play where all of a sudden he fucking came in, right? That was with us. Jesus Christ. I'm losing my fucking mind here. How old am I? All right. Here we go. Doug Flutie pooch kick. All right. Oh, dramatic NFL music. There you go. And he gets high. That was it was with Jesus. How fucking long did he play? I saw Doug Flutie when I had season tickets in 1989. Well, we had the little Paul Revere on the side of the helmet 1980 fucking nine and he graduated in like 84. He'd already been Oh, that was before he went to the CFL. He'd been with Chicago, I believe then he came with us and oh Jesus, did I ever tell you that fucking store? I can't believe I'm going to tell this fucking story.

Okay, when I came out what year this was, it was when Doug Flutie was playing with the Buffalo Bills. And I remember, you know, that was first right around then he had come out and said that he had an autistic child and he had he had the Flutie flakes that was to raise money for autism. This great thing, right? And so we're in the stands. We're sitting in the end zone. It's me, Bobby Kelly and this buddy of mine, one of my old drinking buddies from back in the day. This is the guy I told you he got into the handshake fight with the Elvis impersonator. I have to tell you that one. We were in Daisy Buchanan. It's a famous meat market on Newbury Street in Boston, right? And you know, everybody's in there hammered, right? Everybody's listening

to music and we're fucking whatever it's the middle of the fucking night. So basically, every guy in there is probably 50 to 60% on their way to either getting laid or going home and jerking off after a slice of pizza. That's right where the night is. But everybody still has hope that they're going to be one of the guys that gets fucking laid. All right? Everything's going good. Music is playing and all that shit. All of a sudden, the entire, you just feel this energy towards the door like what the fuck's going on. You can feel this commotion. So we fucking look over and there's this guy dressed up as Elvis. But no fucking apparent reason. It's like the middle of the summer. You know, it wasn't the anniversary of his death.

Yeah, I don't, you know, we weren't in Vegas. Just this fucking guy walks in dressed like Elvis. So all the whole energy of the fucking bar goes over there and every fucking chick in there wants to go over and get their picture with the guy. So this dude basically cock blocks the whole fucking bar. Even half the guys are laughing because he's doing all the karate moves and shit. It was ridiculous. It was funny, but also it was very passive aggressive because all the pussy went up to him. So and half the fucking guys. So my buddy, I was pissed. I didn't realize that he was pissed at him. So everybody's lining up shaking hands with this Elvis impersonator, trying to get their picture with them and blah, blah, blah, blah. So my buddy comes up to him.

He comes up to him last and he's fucking, he starts shaking his hand. And when my buddy right before he was going to get into a fight, I don't know why he would always be like looking up in the air. Like what's up dude? What's going on? Huh? Really? Really dude? And he'd be like looking like straight up in the air, which of course he always ended up getting suckered, but he was a big guy. So he was usually able to make a comeback. So he comes walking up to this Elvis impersonator and he starts shaking his hand and he's looking up in the air and the guy's sitting there going, what's up, man? What's up? How you doing, man? Like trying to be Elvis. And he goes, and he's like, what's my buddy's like, what's up dude? He goes, hey, he's still shaking his hand. He

goes, he goes, why can't you just be yourself? Right? And immediately the Elvis guy is trying to let go of my buddy's hand and he won't let him go. So now that's kind of squeezing each other's hand. The guy's going, come on, man, come on, let go. I got rings on, man. And my buddy just keeps holding his hand. He goes, you know, he goes, I like Roger Clements. He goes, I like the red socks. You don't see me coming here dressed like Roger Clements, right? Now they're shaking fucking hands, right? And they're squeezing. Now he's looking at this dude right through his stupid gold frame glasses. And the guy's going, all right, he drops the Elvis shit going, all right, let go of my hand. And I'm fucking sitting there going, oh my God, I'm going to watch my buddy fight a fucking Elvis

impersonator. This is going to be the greatest thing ever. And right then the fucking bouncer steps in, like, you know, when you're watching a hockey game, you're like, finally, these two guys are going to fight. And then the fucking ref comes in and breaks it up and the whole crowd boos. That's basically what happens. All right. So that's the background on this guy. So we're at this game. He's a big guy. He's not the most quick-witted guy. Doug Flutey has now come back, you know, he would play for Boston College. He played for the, you know, Bears in the New England Patriots. So he's, he's one of our guys. But now he's playing for the Buffalo Bills, the game we're going to. This is now, I don't know, like the fucking like 97, 98 or something.

And I think Pete Carroll is coaching. Jesus, Bill, get to the story. All right. So every, so Flutey's warming up in the end zone. So now everybody's giving Flutey shit, even though he's our guy, but he's playing for the other guys now. So it's like some Johnny Damon shit, even though it wasn't his fault, but, you know, Boston sports fans were assholes. So everybody's giving Flutey shit. They yell, okay, kill the midget. Hey, Flutey, you're too short. All these short jokes or whatever. So my buddy wants to get one in. All right. And we are, we have end zone seats. So we are sitting with a bunch of fucking animals. So everybody's killed a major day, Flutey, you're too short. Not today, Dougie, you know, go back to Canada,

you stick, right? Everybody giving him shit. And then my buddy, he wants to be part of it. He chimes in. He kind of stutters. He just goes, he goes, Hey, hey, hey, Flutey, I hope your kid dies. Right? Dude, the whole section just goes, oh, and just sits down. It was one of the most fucking evil things, but you got to understand why it was funny to me was just because I knew, I knew my buddy and I knew how fucking dumb he is. And I know that he just wanted to be a part of it. He's just one of those guys who doesn't know where the line is. You know, those guys where you just go, hey, you know, you start making fun of their shirt and they go, yeah, at least my mother doesn't

have breast cancer. And you're like, Jesus Christ, how the fuck do you go from a shirt to breast cancer? That's basically what he did. And I remember what's this Bobby Kelly was absolutely fucking. He was speechless, fucking speechless. It was one of the few times I've ever seen. Bobby is every bit as twisted as I am. I'll never forget that he was fucking. Oh, wait a minute. What am I talking about? I've told this story so many times. I was sitting up a section over Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I've told this story so many times. I forgot. No, he was sitting there over there. I was I was the next section over that's right. And then Bobby came up to me at the end of the game and told me it. So wait, so who else was fucking over there?

I can't remember. I mean, how the fuck are you? How did he even get on that fucking story? Oh, flutie. That's right. Cheating. Okay, let's work our way back, Bill. Work your way back. I don't know. Hang on. Is it time to do some fucking? Yeah, 25 minutes in. Here we go. A little bit of advertising this week, everybody. Just a little bit. A little bit of advertising. What the fuck is it? All right. Who's up first? Oh, Hulu Plus, everybody. You've tried streaming hit shows on your PC on Hulu.com. Now it's time to start your free trial of exclusive content in your living room and on your mobile devices on Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want.

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on Hulu Plus Spanner for your extended free trial or go to huluplus.com slash bill. Again, the Hulu Plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com or go to huluplus.com slash bill. And e-voice, everyone. E-voice is the reason you're going to make more money in 2013. Unless you're some gold diggin' whore and you plan on divorcing your rich husband, okay? But for the rest of us common people, e-voice is the reason that we're going to make more money in 2013. When your customers call and you have your own toll free number, professional greeting, dial by name, directory and more, is that a sentence? That's like a fragment. Oh, when your customers call, you'll have your own toll free number, professional greeting, dial by name,

directory and more. Sorry, that's on me. You'll sound like a Fortune 500 company and blow away your competitors. E-voice lets you give out one number that rings wherever you are. The beach, the bar, doesn't matter. You'll sound like you're at the office. So this is a great way to start a business while you're still at somebody else's, working for somebody else. You know what I mean? We get it, Bill. Finish the copy. Okay. You got to go to evoist.com and use the promo code, Bill. E-voice even takes all your evo, all your voicemails, transcribes them and sends them direct instantly to you as a text or email. So you can check your voicemails before the meeting ends and not even look rude. E-voice is only 10 bucks a month. Right now, listeners to my podcast

can get a free trial of E-voice for 30 days. Stop what you're doing. Hit pause, set up your E-voice free trial and see what I'm talking about. It's a great way to support my podcast and an easy way to make more money this year. Go to evoist.com, promo code, Bill. That's evoist.com, promo code, Bill, or just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click the E-voice banner at right now. Okay. So have you been, what have you been watching? You've been watching Spurs Heat? You've been watching Bruins Blackhawks. Either way, a couple of amazing series. I blew it yesterday. I was traveling, so I missed the San Antonio game. I'm obviously thrilled that San Antonio was up three games to two going back to Miami. Now, you know me. I love the Celtics

and anybody who plays the Lakers, but there's just a douchebag factor to people down in Miami where let's all go to the game and wear white. And of course it's white. That white is the, hang on a second. White is like the, that's the color that people who want to flaunt that they're rich wear. Have you noticed that? Like whenever they do those real housewife stories, they always have some ridiculously expensive car and it's always, it's always like, like, like pearl white. I don't know what it is about that. They love it out, out here in LA, all the growing up Goddy fucking people. They fucking all have those white cars. I don't know why. So when I look at those people down in Miami, it's the same fucking thing.

You know, what are you showing off your tan lines? Even when you're in the car? I don't understand it. Where I come from, you know, you got to get a black car. You know, some gangster look at thing. You get some tinted windows on it. I don't fucking know, although I got to tell you, I was a big fan of milk trucks back in the day and those were always white. This podcast is just, what the fuck am I talking about? So I'm rooting for, I'm rooting for San Antonio. I really, you got to go for the underdog here. You know, the big fundamental, the guy who cheated on that chick from that fucking show, right? The other guy there, the, the, uh, the baldy guy, uh, Tony kook coach. I don't fuck. I don't watch hoop. I don't know what's

going on. Um, why don't you stick with what you've been watching? Bruins, black cocks, everybody. Right now, if you haven't been watching the series is tied one game to one, both went into overtime. The first one went into triple overtime and, uh, two nights ago, it was an overtime win for the Bruins. And it was kind of weird because I felt like the Bruins should have won the first one and the Hawks should have won the second one, although I missed most of the, uh, most of the second game because I was performing in Buffalo, but, uh, it's a classic man and the black Hawks, they like the Bruins, man. They're a fucking hockey team. You know, they got their tough guys. I'd say they have more superstars with Hossa and Patrick Kane, but, um, they got

their pest and then they got their grinders, man. They're a fucking hockey team. And, um, I really invite, you know, I don't know. I really liked the way they're playing. No filthy shit. You know, I don't get mad at those, those guys who, you know, just doing shit to try to get an edge, but nobody's out there trying to hurt anybody. None of that fucking crap. Um, it's just been two great games and they play again tonight. Pivotal fucking game. Pivotal fucking game. Um, so we'll see. We'll see how the Bruins come out. I heard they came out real sluggish in game two in the first period and came out hitting in the second. Um, like I said, I only came out after my show. I saw halfway the last half of the third period and then into the overtime, but, um, I watched every

second of that first one. Um, and I was, I was trying to stay in shape when I was on the road. So I watched the first three periods and then the first two over times I was on the elliptical. I basically, I stayed on the elliptical until there was an intermission and then on the intermission I did pushups and dips and then coming out of the intermission, I did the whole fucking, did the elliptical again for the next period. I was actually thinking like that's how you should be watching sports instead of sitting there, eating fucking nachos and drinking beer, right? And drinking beer, right? Um, but, uh, I don't know. What are you gonna do? I gotta tell you, the Blackhawks fucking goalie, man, is unbelievable. And the exact way Pye scored is I think what we

have to do. The second it hits your stick, just put it on net because if that guy gets a chance to square up on you, he's just stopping everything. The goal tending is top notch, original six. That's all I'm going to say. I really don't have anything bad to say about any of the Blackhawks. I fucking like all of them and, uh, I'm hoping it goes seven and I obviously hope that we win, but, uh, they're a great fucking team. So tune in and check it out. All right, let's get to the, let's get to the fucking, um, the goddamn, uh, whatever questions for the week. Uh, Billy Redface tour, uh, William, I used to live in North Dakota and have been to northern cities on your tour. If you're planning to drive between gigs, uh, the country is beautiful,

but the distances are immense. Wrap your brain around long drives, six to eight hours, depending on how fast you drive. Uh, I now live in Chicago, go Blackhawks. Yeah, dude, you gotta understand, I've been doing the road hardcore since the late nineties. So, you know, I could do six hour drives in my sleep, but I'm also, I'm taking a bus. So it's not going to be a problem, but, um, I'm also beyond excited to do this tour because I have performed in Boise. I never did that comedy club, but I did do a college up there. It wasn't Boise State. It was something else. Um, so I've, I, I drove around a little bit, but I've never been to Montana and I'm basically going to drive across that whole state. I have done, I've done like Sioux Falls, South Dakota,

and I've done like Fargo, North Dakota, but I've never been to the western part of the state. So I'm going to be loving life, um, when I'm out there. So I want to see all those cool looking ranches. I want to see a couple of bison. I want to see the fucking billboards with before and after pictures about people on meth. You know what I mean? That's like a major fucking problem. Like, I bet you nobody, I bet the walking dead gets really low ratings out in Montana just because if they just, all they need to do is look out their fucking window, right? To see that I'm googling right now, Montana meth problem. They got meth project, documentary highlights, Montana's meth problem, NPR NPR was up there. Yes, Montana has a meth

problem measuring meth in Montana, Montana meth project news about the Montana meth project. So they got a project going on. Let's read this one here. Yes, Montana has a meth problem. Do you guys really want to hear me read out loud? You probably don't. I heard that Utah and Colorado have a similar situation, but I don't know who is the leader. I get tired of arguing the point, but the facts don't support your post. I'm not going to present evidence because it's clear it would not matter. I guess he's defending Montana. I don't fucking know. It's going to be a great time. Oh, you know what? I never finished talking about that tour that I just did. I went to Cleveland, Ohio. All right. Had a great time.

One of my favorite people in this business, Nick Costas owns Pickwick and Frolick slash the Hilarities Comedy Club. And that's where I played from 2004 right on up. He used to headline me when I could only draw half the fucking room and a half of those people would just go in there because Nick had such a great restaurant upstairs and the martini bar and everything. And when Nick bought in to that part of the city, you know, there was nobody there. Like I, it was this crowd. You got to go in there. It's like a five-star restaurant. They got a live show with these dancing girls downstairs in a martini bar and then he has this beautiful showroom with a balcony. It's, it's absolutely gorgeous place. And so he built

this thing when they would, when Cleveland was just after five p.m. became a ghost town. And you'd be in there. You felt like you were on the fucking Titanic, except it never sank, right? You just on this luxury liner. There was, you didn't have to leave. You ate. You had this great meal. You did your show. And then when you walked out, there was all these beautiful women in this martini bar. It was the self-sustaining unit, this fucking oasis. But the second the night ended, the cop would literally escort me out of the place and would walk me over to my hotel. So I wouldn't get clubbed over the head by a piece of pipe that was probably laying right in the street. And he was the only game in town, especially on the block that he was on. And he was kind of like

a third of the way up the block. So he was really hidden and he was having a rough go at trying to get the thing going. And over the years I watched like the house of blues opened up across the street, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fast forward to now, nine years later, you know, I'm in town. I'm doing this theater right down the street. And I'm like, I got to go see Nick. So I go over there to go get some dinner before the show. And I'm coming up the street and it's just a mob scene. It's just like outdoor. Everybody's outdoor cafes. There's this guy playing acoustic guitar, like hired by this restaurant. House of Blues is this line up the street. He's just the greatest fucking guy. So I went over there. I had dinner and then I went, I did my

show. I had a great time, you know, went out took pictures signed DVDs and all that shit. And then we had the after party over at his martini bar because I wanted to drive some business his way. And I want to thank everybody seriously, man. It's no bullshit. Everybody came over there. If you spent $1 over there, that's one of my great friends in business and in life. So I really appreciate it. And if you ever seriously in the Cleveland area, you want to see a great show, just have a great meal, go down to the that pickwick and frolic romantic guys, the best Nick Costa say hello, tell them I said what's up. So anyways, back to the back to the reads here, what the fuck are they? And the worst. All right, no subject on this one, Bill, your problem with

Christianity is that you are in the wrong church. Just switch over to the Episcopal Episcopal or Lutheran or something and get baptized and all of a sudden you will receive the Holy Spirit, which will bring you to a higher spiritual level with a literal connection to God. All right, you know, something I'm sure every religion has its has something to offer. You know what is about Episcopal or Lutheran is I'm lazy. I already know you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Okay, I know the prayers and I know the songs from my fucking. This would be like me moving to LA and not being a Celtics fan anymore and switching over to the Clippers. You know, not saying you want the Clippers are actually decent now. So I can't I'm not really insulting

you. But tell me some more about the Episcopal and Lutheran thing because I actually always enjoyed going to church as far as I felt like it was a reset thing every week to remind yourself not to be a complete hunk of shit or at least try not to be for as long as you could until the next mass. But I just never liked all the other crap that was involved in it. But as far as me receiving the Holy Spirit, which will bring me to a higher spiritual level and a literal connection to God, like I can really do that on my own. You know, if I wanted to. If I really, if I wasn't such a piece of shit, if I really just, I, you know, you don't really need to go down there and do all the Ola Salima, that's all just, you know, rituals. And I bless the water

and I throw it in your face and now the evil spirits are out of you. But it's complete horseshit. You could splash me with as much holy water as you want to. If I don't give a fuck and I want to go out and just do stuff, the water is not going to like fix me, you know? Oh, Bill, stop being a cunt. Swing by. You know what? I'm going to go to one. I'll go to Lutheran. Episcopal is too hard to say. I don't know, man. I get weirded out when I go in those fucking places and every, hey, how are you? Are we glad you showed up and everybody grab hands. It just makes me feel all douchey. Um, all right, freedom. Bill, please don't talk about freedom when you are over there, over where?

Well, why don't you fucking? Oh, okay, here we go. This guy's going to trash America. All right, Bill, please don't talk about freedom when you people over there don't have the freedom to decide whether you want half your dick cut off or not. The way women in Africa don't have the freedom to decide whether they want half their vagina cut off or not. They don't cut off their vagina. You ignorant dumb twat. All you American cunts, Americans do is talk about freedom because you have none. You know what, sir? You sound as ignorant as what you're making fun of. So congratulations. Welcome to the quad, sir. When did I talk about freedom? I don't even remember talking about that. Sir, you know, half the shit I talk about, I'm just trying to fill up an hour here. All right,

Americans. Was that your best one? Did you have a list? Can you come up with something a little bit better? You know, Americans, you're trashing all the Americas. You're basically trashing this whole half of the half of the world. You do realize that these are the Americas, North America and South America. All right. And you're calling me a dumb twat. They don't, they don't fucking cut off half their vagina. They remove the clitoris there. You know, how exactly do they do that? I don't even want to know. It's fucking disgusting. What is he talking about? Aren't the guy every week, I'm talking about bankers, how they got everybody by the balls. Sir, do you listen to this thing? All right, we're just

going to move on. You know what you are? You're basically, that was the email version of that guy who kept saying Tebow to me. All right, my car is shit. Hey, Billiam, I'm a high school student in Arkansas. All right, Razorbacks, SEC, and my car is pure shit. The pain is blotchy. Dude, this isn't pimp my ride. What do you think I'm going to do? Fucking go over there. Have somebody come and put a flat screen TV in your trunk. The paint is blotchy and fading. The interior is shit. The air conditioner doesn't work. And there's a ton of stickers on the back from the previous owner. It's actually embarrassing anytime a person, especially girls, see it. So how do I get over my shitty car? Also, your podcast has not only helped me relieve the stress from school,

but it gets me through class if I'm having a slow day. All right, what you got to do is you have to embrace your shitty car, you know, takes a certain swagger to drive a shitty car. You got to have a sense of humor about it. You know, if somebody trashes your car, just, you know, you can do one or two things, either agree with them or just be like, how dare you, how dare you trash that that right there is a classic. That's an original condition. All right, or whatever the fight on what the fuck to do, you can take the bumper stickers off. You know, you could throw some rims on it. You know what? Fuck that. Don't put rims on a piece of shit car. This is the biggest thing that I would say. All right, if you're trying to get a lady,

right, you're in college, everybody understands you're going to be broke. What I would do, you've got to make sure the inside of the car is clean. Spend some money, get that fucker steam cleaned and get some fucking air freshener so it smells all right. All right, you could probably take off the bumper sticker. You can get a $99 fucking paint job. Every fucking state you go to, there's some cunt on TV talking about a $99 paint job. You know, pick a dark color. You know, that usually will, uh, I don't know, maybe paint over the other shit. Well, I don't know much about paint. I have no idea. Maybe you'll be all right. What kind of car is it, sir? If you could help me out with what kind of car you have, um, maybe I could help you out. I don't know. Listen, I drove an 83 Ford

Ranger two wheel drive, five speed AM FM fucking radio. It just was a mess. And I finally put a nice stereo in there and somebody smashed the window, ripped up the fucking plastic, like dashboard and yanked the radio out and I didn't have room for another one. I had this gaping fucking hole with wires hanging out and, uh, and I wasn't getting any pussy. There you go, sir. You know what? I've come around to your side. I see what the problem is. Um, you know what? I would go to campus parties and try to go back to her dorm room. Just avoid the whole car thing, the whole car situation. Or, you know, something, if you meet a girl that you really like, just admit to it and just say, listen, I gotta, I gotta tell you something before we go to my car.

My car is, it's a mess and it's really embarrassing. I'm really self-conscious about it, but blah, just own up to it. Girls love that because then that kicks into the motherly thing. They go, oh, that's okay. I don't think it's that bad. And next thing you know, they're blowing you. Yeah. So they just make sure it smells okay. That's the biggest thing about women. When you're younger and you don't have any fucking money, if you just make a fucking effort, you know, have your, if you're going out, just make sure in case you get lucky, clean up your fucking room. Don't have dirty laundry laying all over the place, make the fucking bed, get a couple of scented candles, all that hacky shit, you know. And for the love of God,

when you get in there, do not have overhead lighting. There's nothing women hate more than fucking overhead lighting. As middle-aged guys like me, as your baldy, you really start to hate overhead light. But women, they fucking hate overhead lighting. All right. So if you have overhead lighting, go out and buy, invest in a fucking just a fucking bedside reading lamp or whatever. And then buy some cool fucking, I know this is hacky, but just some cool fabric, if you can throw it over the top, gives it more of a fucking soft light, little mood, makes you know what titties are out, if you got some skills, you know, you fucking round in second, the rest is on you. Okay, there you go. All right. The royal family,

everybody. This one says, Bill, I'm curious about your feelings on the royal, wait, I gotta back up. I remember the first time I brought a girl back when I was in New York. And I didn't, I didn't have shit. I had my fucking couch from my dad's dental office in the early 70s, floral pattern, made out of wood that like, I swear to God, you could fucking kill a village. You could club people to death with this couch. It took like three people to bring it in. And all I had was the overhead lighting. I had a light bulb with nothing even covering that. And I had this old fixture that you turn it on, it would make this like you slap somebody in the face when you turned it, when you turned it on. And we were just sitting there in like,

I can't, it was like we were sitting next to the sun. And that was when I first learned about overhead lighting. And you know, I made my move and everything. And I was like, two minutes since she was just like, all right, wait, wait, can we just like, just wait a second. And she goes, I need to fix something. And she went in and I had my bedroom door was open, what she did was she turned on the light in there. That was also overhead lighting, but it was another room away. And then she went and she turned off the light in the living room. And guess what I did the next day I went out and I bought a fucking lamp. There you go. That's my lamp story, everybody. Okay, the royal family, Bill, I'm curious about your feelings on the royal family

and the Brits occupation of Northern Ireland. Looking forward to seeing you in September at the Chicago Theater. Go Hawks. Bruins remind me of a bunch of Prince Charles's on skates. Now they don't, you know, I really hate when fucking people like those are two great fucking games. And then your team wins and then you text me Bruins suck or suck it, you know, those fucking morons. That's why you know, I've kind of stopped tweeting about sports on my Twitter page because it literally it was turning into the exact reason why I don't go to a sports bar because of all just the feel all day, all day, you know, that type of shit. And it's always the most unathletic fucking moron can't even talk about the game just complete shithead. So,

I don't know, I've kind of toned down the tweeting, the tweeting there. Yeah. My feelings on the royal family, the Brits occupation of Northeast Ireland. Obviously, I don't think they should be there. It's not their fucking place. You know, I actually learned all that shit about the whiskey now. I've been drinking Jameson this whole fucking time, which I guess is from Northern Ireland. So I guess that's the sellout whiskey if you're in Ireland, and you're supposed to be drinking powers, but I can't find powers anywhere. And Jameson is marketed really well. That's like the Pepsi whiskey, I guess. I don't fucking know. Should they be there? I don't, I don't think so.

I don't understand why they haven't left yet. They've left pretty much everywhere else. They've gotten beaten back pretty much everywhere else. India, Hong Kong, Rwanda, the United States of America. They've been beaten back, Falkland Islands. They held on to that one. You know what they like? They like the royal families like Tiger Woods after his divorce. You know, lost a ton of shit, but still has money. You know, other than that, I don't mind him. I don't mind that, that Prince guy, whatever his fucking name is, the blonde guy. Harry. Harry looks like a cunt, though. He does. He's got the, he's got bully face. I don't know if it's because all those freckles or whatever, but he just looks like the kind of kid that would just fucking punch you in the

side of the head for no reason. Is all the brother looks a little soft though. You know, probably artistic. I don't know shit about him, to be honest with you. You guys seem to like him, so God bless you. Continue, continue to pay attention to him. Aren't they like your Kennedys? I mean, there's so much inner fucking breeding going on that they all kind of have the same face, just like the Kennedys. Kennedys, all these years, you see the fucking teeth on that family? Okay. Lost it to a famous guy. Bill, my name is Jessica. Holy shit. A lady finally writes in, I'm 20 and I live in Miami. Great. I've already trashed Miami here. Okay. So about a year ago, I was vacationing in DR. Is that Dominican Republic?

Uh, I don't know. And I met a famous person and ended up sleeping with him. Dominican Republic. I'm going to guess it was a baseball player. Did you fuck Sammy Sosa? He goes, he's not very famous in the US. Oh, okay. Only in Latin America. All right, Ricky Martin's gay. Um, oh, is that one of those? Is that the guy that JLo was married to? I don't fucking know. All right, let's, let's plow ahead here. Point of the story is that ever since that night, we've kept in touch and I've already seen him three times since then. This is really interesting. She goes, I've seen him every time he comes to Miami. Isn't this great? Being like a hot chick, you can like bang famous fucking people, you know, and just not be, just be like working at Kinkos,

but you're hot and you can like bang somebody that you saw in a movie. You know, as a guy, you just, we just don't have that option. You know, good looking guy. You're working a Kentucky fried chicken. Do you think you're going to bang Olivia Wilde? I don't think so. Um, the last time I saw him was this past April. We usually go out to clubs while he's here and I've even met some of his famous friends. I'm just a regular girl. So you can imagine how infatuated I am with this guy. I am infatuated with this story. Um, she goes, he's the only person I've ever slept with. So you could imagine the amount of emotion I've invested in this. Please tell me you made him use a condom with his around the world dick. Sorry, not trying to ruin the romance

here. Just trying to a little bit of reality. Um, I've always get, I always get sad because I know that things are probably not going to work out in my favor besides the fact that he is famous. He also lives in a different country than me. He's 10 years older than me and as a child. Well, that's game set and match right this sweetheart. I think you got to protect your heart. Nah, either put him in a place mentally where you're not going to develop feelings. And when he comes to town, you get to have a fun time. Um, but other than that, when he leaves, I would try and find somebody, you know, that at least lives in this hemisphere. I don't know. But hey, it's your life. All right. He goes, I have hope that a relationship, she goes, I hope, um, that a

relationship could happen because I've been lucky enough to have so much to have so much has happened already. In addition, he has plans to move to Miami soon. We talk once a month or every couple of weeks through text. Well, listen, he might just be stringing you along. So I would be like, look, I'm starting to develop feelings for you and, uh, you know, I kind of got to cut it off here to protect myself. But if you moved to Miami, then we can pick up where we left off. Sound good. Ola. All right. I mean, that's Ola's hello, right? Whatever. She goes, we talk once a month or every couple of weeks through text. Only thing is, I'm usually the one that takes the initiative to text him or see him while he's here,

which really bugs me. Uh, yeah, you know what, I can't, I don't even need to read the rest of this. I'll blow through the rest at the same time. He always shows interest in me when we spend time together, remembers everything. Yeah, you might just be his woman in that, in that town. I hate to tell you. She goes, should I hope for a relationship with this guy given everything that's happened already? No, you shouldn't. Should I stop talking to him since I am the one that takes the initiative most of the time? Or should I be content with the situation? Uh, yeah, he's stringing you along. He's stringing you along. Um, I don't think he's a bad guy, but you're his, uh, you're his woman in Miami. So, um, sounds like you want more than

that. So as much as his glamorous life is interesting to you in the end, it sounds like you're going to get hurt. If I had to guess, if I had to guess, it sounds like you're going to get hurt. So I would, uh, I would just end it. Uh, you know, just stop texting the guy, you know, that's what I would do. Just stop texting him. Just be like, Hey, you know, when you, you, when your shiny watch come back to Miami, if I'm not in a relationship and you want to hang out down at the ground round, let's, uh, let's fucking do it. But other than that, you know, why don't you fucking, uh, enjoy the world and the pussy that it has to offer, right? I'm sorry. I'm being a little crass here, but that's basically, that's basically the situation.

All right. If I ever had a long, I've, I've tried the long distance relationship thing, it didn't end up working out. Uh, you know, I don't know. So anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Everybody, how far into this am I, huh? 55 minutes, 55 minutes. All right. Well, before I go, I want to thank everybody who came out to all my shows in, uh, out there in Buffalo. Oh, dude, I didn't even talk about Buffalo. I played this, uh, this symphony hall, beautiful, beautiful symphony hall, unbelievable crowd and all of that. And, um, I had a lot of people from Toronto came over asking me when I'm going to be in Canada. And the answer to that is I hate that it's going to be next March. I know, I know what the fuck.

Uh, it was supposed to be this summer, but I don't know. We just felt like the summertime. It's always snowing up there. You can finally go outside. Why are you going to sit inside and watch some red cotton like me on stage when you can go out and go water skiing or whatever the fuck it is you do up there. So, and also just figured I'd have a better chance on getting on some radio stations. If it was hockey season, be another angle to sell a maze comedian, first time tour in Canada. He's a big hockey fan, Bruins fan. He can come in and hang with you when you talk, talk sports, sort of a marketing thing. I was pushing for January and then we got worried about flights with the snow and all the shit up there. And, uh, I know you like what the fuck,

but no, you can't run a string of dates together flying into the middle of a shitstorm because you'll end up missing a date and I don't want to deal with that. So we've decided on March. I'm going to hit all the hockey cities and possibly a couple of more depending on how ticket sales go. And I'm going to start doing these like more of these mini tours like the red face tour. By the way, tickets are selling. They're selling like hot cakes. So, um, what do I got here coming up? Yeah. The 28th through August 3rd. No, it's not 28, 27, 26 July 26th through August 3rd. For those of you who haven't been listening this past week, I'm going to be hitting doing shows in the States of Idaho, Montana, South Dakota, Kansas, Colorado,

Western Texas. And I got a private show in New Mexico. So, um, I got that whole tour set up. I'm working on a European tour. And so far I know we got London, we got something in Scotland and Amsterdam. And I imagine I'm going to do all the Scandinavian countries and then probably all the way over into Helsinki. I'll do Ireland. I'm hoping to do Ireland, Scotland, England, Amsterdam, and then hit Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm and Helsinki. That's what I would love to do. And then I don't know, I'm either going to go after I do all that and I make some money or whatever. I'm going to either go down to Italy and eat like a fucking pig or I'm going to go to Paris, go over to France. I'm going to go to,

like, France is something like, because I took French. I tried French for a long time when I was in high school and I was always into the Tour de France. I'd always watch the tennis, Roland Garros. I don't know. I was a big World War II buff there for a minute. And then, you know, all the D-Day stuff. There's so much, there's so much that I want to see in France alone. You know, I want to see the beaches of Normandy. I want to go to the Memorial Cemetery. I want to go to the French Open. I want to go to the Tour de France. I want to go to Paris. You know, I want to ride a bike in Paris. Why not, right? Put on a fucking beret, big loaf of French bread coming out of my backpack, you know,

wearing those pants that don't fit down on my fucking ankles and a striped shirt on, grow a little stupid mustache. Why not, right? Then I want to go over to fucking Italy. These are all dreams of mine. I want to go to Italy and I want to somehow learn enough Italian and start people over there arguing about who makes the better, whatever the dishes, and then let me be the judge and then I sit there and eat like a fucking king. I want to do that. I want to go to Belgium and drink some booze. I ran into somebody on the road told me they got trapped over in Belgium one time because it was snowing and they just sat there drinking beer all night and stepping outside every once in a

while just looking at this beautiful snow in this city and I literally could see it and I was just like, I want to fucking do that. So I don't know, trying to expand the horizons here, people. And next year, so next year I got the Canadian tour and then also I'm going to try and do a tour of, I'm going to try to tour all of Australia, which would be Perth all the way to home of Bon Scott. I got to go see his grave site, you know, pay my respects and go all the way through, I don't know, all the way back, work my way all the way back to Sydney and maybe have time to check out the Great Barrier Reef. See, that's what I want to do. That's the game plan for me. All right. And if the Bruins can win the Stanley Cup over the next fucking six, seven days,

it would just be a perfect goddamn year. All right. So anyways, that is the podcast this week, everybody. Once again, thank you to everyone who came out and Buffalo. Oh, I keep forgetting to tell that story. We're drinking afterwards. The hotel bar slow is about ready to shut down and I got like a 640 AM flight. So I'm like, well, what's the point of going to bed? So I go across to this bar, we start drinking over there and now their kitchen was closed. So they bring out some bar food, you know, and they usually bring out some peanuts or pretzels. They came out and it was all bacon. I gotta fucking tell you, you can't beat the fucking Midwest, even though that's not the Midwest. It's the beginning of it. And I forgot to mention Cleveland. Don't sleep on Cleveland. I

would say if you're looking to invest some money in buying an old building, if you and some friends and you want to make some fucking money, every time I come back to Cleveland, it's doing a little bit better. And I saw a lot of building going on there. And it was great to see because whenever I went to Cleveland, it always made me sad. Like I was, because you know, I was looking at these beautiful buildings, there was just nobody in them. The same thing when you go to Detroit, it's just like, you're like, fuck, man, look at these beautiful houses or these beautiful buildings. And it was just like nobody there or just, you know, some zombie looking person in front of it. It's depressing. So in St. Louis was another one. St. Louis was another one that was a

scary place to be. And 10 years ago, you know, they still have their shit, you know, some people who were late to the show or couldn't come to the show because there was a shooting or something like that. So whatever, everybody's got their shit. But it was nice to see those cities are starting to make a comeback. You know, after all the manufacturing jobs and everything left and shit. So I actually learned some shit about Buffalo, first city in the United States that had electricity throughout the whole thing was used to be known as the city of lights. How funny is that Buffalo? You don't think of that shit. But I guess the Erie Canal or some shit. Damn, I don't know what the fuck was create a bunch of jobs and then they

built another dam or a canal somewhere else up the fucking river and everybody left. And that was the end of it. You know, everybody left all the pussies left, you know, but all the tough people stayed. And that's why they have an outdoor stadium. If those pussies stayed, the Buffalo bills would play in a dome stadium. That's actually true. All right. So there you go. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. My next date I have coming up is the Cape Cod Melody Tent in Hyannis, Massachusetts. Tickets are on sale. I hope people come out to that one. That's a huge one because for me, because I only saw George Carlin once in my life. Unfortunately, I only saw him perform one time and I saw him at the Cape Cod Melody Tent in

like 1988. I've told that story. He absolutely blew me away. Dennis Blair opening him up blew me away. It was just, it was fucking awesome. And to actually be going back there 25 years later, to be literally doing what I saw him doing is fucking amazing. So thanks to everyone who's coming out for that show. All right, enough with the feel good vibes. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Go Bruins. Yeah. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS

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