Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-18-15

Episode Date: June 19, 2015

Bill rambles about cursing in Russian, Donald Trump and video doorbells.

Hey, how are you? It's Bill Burr on a Thursday afternoon and I'm just checking in on you here on a Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday, just to see how your week's going. A quick little 30 minute, you know, just open the door, stick in my head in, seeing how you're doing, everything okay? Everything okay over there in your cubicle? Maybe you drive home, huh? You got your hands 10 and two on the fucking wheel, like you're supposed to? Driving like a fucking nervous Nelly, who have you ever been comfortable in a car when someone had their hands 10 and two on the fucking wheel or whatever, nine and three, whatever you're supposed to do now, 6.30 and fucking 11.23, whatever the

latest thing is. New studies have shown that the way the collarbone reaches the shoulder bowl the most effective way to hold a steering wheel is actually at 9.26, shut the fuck up. Right? Wasted a zillion dollars on that study. You know, not to get going about that fucking James Worthy again, fucking driving off the road there, female James Worthy, right? So anyways, I'm out here, I'm in Portland, Oregon. I was gonna say, have you ever been fucking comfortable? Have you ever been fucking comfortable with someone sitting there with their hands, and you're riding in a car? All that says is I am brand new at driving or I am lost or I am currently being abducted and being forced to drive this car. That's what having

your hands at fucking 10 and two says to me as a passenger, I see somebody up there, you know, they're fucking lean to the, you know, leaning on the door, even if it's unlocked, I don't give a shit, they're driving with like two fingers on my car. This person, he or she, you know, they got this. I see somebody fucking, you know, 10 and two, and then you start moving your head towards the windshield, forget it, it's fucking over. That's like, is that a meteor? You know, I just had one of the greatest cab drivers I've ever had. Now being up here in Portland, Oregon at the beginning of my tour here through basically Oregon, California. It's mostly California. And it's Oregon, by the way, not Oregon. Alright,

they don't like that up here. They don't like that, they don't like deodorant, right? They don't like not dressing like you're on Little House and the Prairie. There's all kinds of things that they don't like up here, but they like their food fresh, they like to keep it weird, or whatever the hell they're doing up here. They're keeping it weird with a fucking Chase Manhattan bank right downtown. Oh, they're keeping it weird out here in Portland. Is that a men's warehouse? God damn it, this place is weird. Corporations will always eat you way in. I swear to God, if everybody joined a fucking cult and left civilization within fucking 20 minutes, these corporate cunts would figure it out. They'd figure out how to get a fucking

occult looking Best Buy in there. They'd disguise it, right? They'd make their sign the color of corn and grass, sprinkle a little fucking, you know, sprays out like patchouli or some shit. They'd figure out how to do it. But anyways, I had this great cab driver on the way from the airport over to the hotel. You know, he's talking, he had a thick accent, so I asked him where he was from, and he was Armenian, and he was from Russia. So I always, you know, anybody can speak a different language, I'm fascinated by. So I just start talking to the guy and somehow we started talking about cursing in our own languages. And this guy was fucking hilarious. Like he was talking, he's like, Russia, it's more, it's more like I said,

how do you say go fuck yourself? He goes, what is the, it's not like you say, go fuck yourself. And he's like in America, it's all about fuck, fucking and everything, you know, fuck you, fuck you, go fuck yourself. What the fuck is that? He was saying all that shit where he says, in Russia, it's more like, do I sound like Yakov Shmirnov in Russia? It's more like they don't say go fuck yourself. They say go sit on dick. Which I like that sounds very Russian, go sit on dick. I must break you after you sit on dick, right? Then they have another one. Instead of saying what the fuck is that, their translation is what kind of dick is this? Like basically, you know, I know I'm getting fucked. What's going

down here. And they don't, they don't call anybody a motherfucker. Oh, and they don't say go fuck your mother. They will say fuck his mother, but it basically means it's not like saying, you know, somebody goes and has sex with his mother. What it really means is fuck his mother for doing such a horrible job raising this fucking asshole that we all have to deal with, which I think is actually a little more intellectual than a fuck your mother. You know, I can make imagine as somebody banging your mom. I mean, that's definitely disgusting. But to say fuck his mother like because she did such a horrific job, you know, fuck your mother for raising you in such a horrible way that never we're now having this conversation or you're doing this to me. I thought that was

one of my favorites that I've heard. Oh, that was one of my favorites. So anyways, I am up here and he had all these fucking, he was fascinating. Like just to listen to him talking like he grew up in Russia. So he's not into the whole democracy thing. Like I was like, well, do you think we're too free over here? And he was like, yeah, I can't do his accent. He basically said we were too free and that there's fucking chaos over here. And he starts, he goes the other day, he's here in Portland, he goes, I see this, this man 28 years old, and he's dressed like a five year old child in the 1920s. You know, he's like, this man's not a leader. This man's not ahead of a household. And I'm dying laughing going, I'm going, you mean hipsters? And he's like, yeah. And he was just

saying how the kid was not fit to run anything, to run the country, to be in a business or anything. It was one of the funniest fucking takes I've heard on hipsters. You know, I'm not saying it was right, but just his perception of it. And he said that coming from where he came from, he likes having a king, you know, that someone has the balls to just do, you know, to lead people. And he actually liked George W. Bush. He said he wasn't the smartest guys, but he had balls. He was like, fuck you, I'm doing this, which I couldn't argue. I was not a fan of George W. Bush, but I always had to respect the fact that that guy did not give a shit. No, no, no, we're going to do it. Again, there we can fuck tear. It's like, dude, you really don't. I don't know. You don't really

have an exit strategy. I don't give a fucking fucking going in there, right? But anyways, this guy was actually into having a king and all of that type of shit. And it just, I don't know, fucking blew my mind listening to that. I've never heard anybody saying, you know what, we're too free. It's really weird. And I want to do, I probably shouldn't have said that he was, he was actually Armenian living in Russia. I don't want to fucking get everybody all going again, you know, about the whole fucking USA Russia thing. Didn't that end? Didn't that end already? Or is it starting back up again? I don't fucking know. All I know is I'm in Portland, Portland, Oregon. And you know, this morning I had a whole, I had a screw up with my itinerary.

I thought I was going to LAX at like fucking, you know, one o'clock in the afternoon and it turned out I was flying out of Burbank at 930. I discovered this at 757 in the morning about ready to do the Thursday afternoon podcast here. And so I fucking that's why I don't have a microphone, because I threw all my podcast shit and I forgot to put the microphone in. So I apologize for the bad quality. I'm going to try to stop off at a guitar center and buy one. If I can find a local mom and pop music store, I would do that. I just tried to find one within walking distance and it was close for good, it said so. But anyway, so even with that, driving over to Burbank and fucking rushing through the airport and everything, I'm beyond excited to, to go on this tour and maybe,

maybe psyched, you know, that, you know, if you're having a shit day and you're still excited to go to work, you're doing the right job, I think, anyways. But so anyways, what the fuck am I rambling about? I don't know. I'm, uh, what the fuck is with my brain today? My brain is all over the place. What the, oh, I want to talk about Donald Trump. There we go. I don't have my list in front of me. I just got a couple of subjects to keep me rolling here. Did you guys see Donald Trump talking about how, that he wanted to, and he's going to run for, run for office here? President of the United States, how fucking stupid was that announcement? The way he, he drew it out like everyone was going to be excited. So I am announcing my candidacy

for the president of the United States of America. It's like, we got it, Donald. We got it. We got it. Okay. We understand. All right. You're going to be running like this is like a good thing. I've seen guys like this run my entire life. These guys who are just like, I got a ton of fucking money and I'm just going to go in there. It's like, no dude, you're going to get the shit kicked out of you. You're going to get the shit kicked out of you because you're going to be going up a bunch of guy smileys that are already bought and paid for. And those are the guys that are going to get in. But just listening to him talk, like he went on the O'Reilly factor, and Bill O'Reilly is going like, how are you going to stop ISIS? Which of course is always the

big question in this country. How are we going to stop ISIS? Fuck these people that, you know, are fucking with our food supply right here in the United States. Fuck these people that are, you know, want to privatize water. Yeah, those guys aren't that big a threat. Let's go after these cunts all the way over here, right? That are bankrupting us. So anyways, sorry for the politics. All right, this is just my own ignorant point of view. All right. And I finally found someone who sounds dumber than me, which is fucking Donald Trump. So they ask him, he goes, so how are you going to get him? He goes, I would hit them so hard, it would, he goes, I would find the right general. I would find my patent or Eisenhower, and I would hit them so

hard it would make your head spin, right? He just sounds like somebody at a bar, like I hope he hangs in there long enough, or I get a good six months out of this shit, right? And they, so Bill O'Reilly is going like, so you're going to send in ground troops. And is that what you're telling me? And Donald goes, I'm not going to tell you what I'm going to do. I got to keep it a secret, right? Which I'm like, that wasn't a bad answer. And then he O'Reilly keeps pressing them because so you're going to, but at some point you'd have to send in ground troops, right? You would be sending in ground troops. And he finally just caves. He goes, no, I wouldn't. And then O'Reilly's like, well, what would you do? He goes, I'd bomb the hell out of him. I got to tell you something.

Once again, Donald Trump is proven that you have to be literally out of your fucking mind to either want to be president, run for president, anything at all. For him to just so, just casually just say, I'm going to bomb the hell out of him. You know, I would think that that would be like, even if you knew that that's what you had to do, that that's a hell of a fucking thing to have to say. You know, because you know, not all of those bombs are going to land on the people you're trying to hit. Some of them are going to land on some mother feeding a baby. And then that's going to be on your conscience for the rest of your fucking life, even if it was the right thing to fucking do.

So you, you try to like, I don't know, I guess choose your words more carefully, or maybe it's refreshing that he just add bomb the hell out of him. You know, he should literally just spend stuff in a sandwich in his fucking mouth as he's talking. Fucker, I kicked the shit out of him. I didn't bring the fucking balls. Just speaking in like, just total generality. I mean, it sounded like he was doing a podcast. He didn't, you know, he sounded like me. I don't know, but you know, he did all right in the hairplug department. Remember when he was doing that psycho fucking flock of seagulls comb over that he was doing? That thing has disappeared. Let's give it up to the people who make hairplugs.

They're really doing a hell of a job. You know, they started off horrifically, or whatever the hair transplant. I think Elton John got like the first one he's been wearing wigs ever since, like his top of his head looked like Bobby or his knees by the time they were done with it. And so now he's had to wear that little page boy haircut for the rest of the time, you know, poor fella. All he wanted was hair, you know, now he's got to have that little, little fucking wig on. He's got his little stubby fucking fingers trying to reach those keys. Got a little fat, you know, there's a lot to feel bad about when you look at Elton John, poor guy, you know, did a little too much coke, right? Went on MTV unplugged a little

coked up in a very unfortunate fucking running suit. Why am I talking about him? Oh, let's get back to Donald Trump. Okay, so the 90s, right, then they went with the fucking ant leg ones. You remember the insect leg ones, where you just couldn't stop looking at it. It was literally like sewn into your fucking head. People used to call it doll hair. And now they've gotten to the point where they just sort of they sort of sprinkle it in. I think they take it off the back, the vacuum it out of the back. And then they put it on a tray and then like a fairy comes by and just takes the tray and skips around your head going and they drop it in and it looks very natural, evidently. But then what happens is, is those ones, I guess, can survive

whatever hell is going on beneath the scalp. But the other ones that weren't built for it, they still fall out. So then you got you got I think you got to get reseeded again. I don't know. I'm still holding up with a fucking pill. Until then, I'm going to keep buzzing my head. I'd be fucking hilarious if like eight years they come out with a pill, right, to cure baldness and all of a sudden guys like me, we come back from the fucking Mr. Clean look to come back looking like we're in the Bee Gees, right? That'd be fucking hilarious. I would actually be willing to take the risk on that one, which is really fucked up because you know that it would do some sort of unbelievable damage to your liver.

There's no way. There's no fucking way. I mean, you fucking with mother nature, aren't you? I mean, you can't. That's the fucked up thing about plastic surgery and everything is you're really your your face, your hairline becomes a lie. You know, if you're young enough, especially, you know what I mean? And people are looking at you like, and they're attracted to who you aren't. You know what I mean? Like, what if it's the nose that just gets the person go and then that's not your real nose? And you bang and you have a kid, you're like, what the fuck happened to that kid's nose? Did you cheat on me? Did you cheat on me, you fucking whore? And then she takes out her fucking high school yearbook is like, no, this is what I really look like. You know, and every time

your kid starts walking towards you with that crooked nose, you can be thinking like, this fucking bitch lied to me, you know, which will affect your child rearing one of the weirdest fucking words ever. That's just I don't know. Was that before they realized that pedophiles existed that somebody came up with? What's a good word for raising your child? I don't know rearing. Anyways, oh, in the world of sport, sport, sport, sport, sport, congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks and the Golden State or Sacramento, as I call them, Golden State Warriors on their championships. Opposite things there. One was a so called dynasty, which it isn't, which it isn't. All right. And then the other was the team that had one in like 37 years. Is that what they said?

I should know this. Celtics won in 74 and 76. So the Warriors won in 75. 40 fucking years, 41 seasons, maybe? Is that what it, is that how it works out? I don't fucking know. Oh, basketball is hard, by the way. 74 was the Celtics. 75 was the Warriors. 76 was the Celtics. 77 was Portland. 78 was the Bullets. 79 was Seattle. Super Sonics with a young Dennis Johnson rest his soul. 1980 was the Lakers. 81 was the Celtics. 82 was the Lakers. 83 was the 76ers. 84 was the Celtics. 85 was the Lakers. Oh, that one killed. When Kareem sank that skyhook and he fucking, you know, he did that double fist thing as he was running down the court. And they were going to beat the Celtics in there. And they were going to drink champagne in the Boston Garden,

which had never been done. Oh my God, that was brutal. 86 was the Celtics. 87, 88 was the Lakers. No, 87 was the Lakers. Then they went back to back. And then Detroit went back to back. And then it was the Michael Jordan show for three years. And then Houston for two, then Jordan for three. And then the Spurs. And I think fucking Lakers won three. I don't fucking remember. Anyways, sorry. Got sidetracked there. By the way, Blackhawks, you don't have a fucking dynasty. Okay. How much more lax are we going to get with the term dynasty? When I was a kid, when I was a lad, when I had a full head of orange hair, a dynasty was winning three in a row. The early 70s, Oakland Ace was a dynasty. The late 70s, Montreal, Canadians, the early 80s,

Islanders was a dynasty. All right, I'm trying to think. Nobody is ever, but the Steelers went in four and six years. That was considered a dynasty too. So I don't know. Then I remember when the Patriots won, we won three and four years, and people were going, well, it's a dynasty because of the salary cap. And I still didn't buy into that. So then three and four years became a dynasty. You had to win three in a row, or four out of six to now just three and four. And now 10 years after that, now if you win three and six years, you're considered a dynasty, which is so fucking stupid. All right. And I'll tell you why, because the Kings have won two times. So they've won two and the Blackhawks have won three. I mean, a dynasty is you have won them all

three years in a row, and everybody else has got a fucking goose egg. That's how I look at it. All right. I'm just a freckled old man here, though. I still believe that. I'm not trying to take anything away from the Blackhawks. What they've done with the free agency and all that, you know, doubt a doubt. It's fucking amazing. And I love the Blackhawks, even though they fucking crushed me a couple of years ago when they beat the Bruins. All right, but you know, come on, three and six fucking years. Why don't you just, when we get to the point of, hey, you won three. That's a fucking dynasty. It isn't. It's not a dynasty. All right. You got something going on called, you got, you got a horrible case of the every others.

All right. You won in 2010. Oh no, every others is the giants, baseball giants. They won in 10, 12 and 14. Isn't that what they did? Yeah, they got a horrible case of the every others. All right, which can only be cured by winning fucking three in a row and shutting jackasses like me right the fuck up. All right, but I don't think, I don't think three and six years is a dynasty, even with free agency and all of that fucking horseshit. I don't, I think you got to win. You got to win three in a row, or we'll give you the asterisk three and four years, or if you won four and six years like the Steelers, I'll give it to you, but three and six years when someone else won two, like now what happens if the fucking Kings won it next year and then they won three?

Right. And then what is it overlapping dynasties that occurred at the same fucking time? You see what I'm saying? This is like that movie face off where you don't know who's Nick Cage and who's John Travolta at that point. You can't have that. All right. And who else won during that time? The fucking Bruins. That's right. The Boston Bruins won a Stanley Cup. You know what I love about them winning a Stanley Cup is everyone in Boston, just about except for newborn babies, knows what it feels like to have your team win a Stanley Cup. And meanwhile up in Montreal, despite all of their success, there's an entire generation and a half has no fucking idea what that's like. And that I swear to God makes me smile every day. I'm fucking with you Montreal.

You bunch of sensitive cunts. All right. I like your language. And I'm going to learn how to fucking I'm going to go and do olingo. Maybe I'll fuck with that over the next couple, couple of hours before my show up here in Portland, Oregon. Jesus, Bill. Can you tell us a little bit more about your tour? Well, I would love to after I read out loud with these with the following message, this fucking internet would work. Here we go. All right. Right out of the bat. This sounds fucking creepy to me. Video doorbell will insert ding sound. What does that mean? I was supposed to fucking insert ding dong. So all right, let's do it again. I can do this. There we go. Doorbell sound. This is like Donald Trump announcing he's running for president doorbell sound effect.

Did you mean doorbell all one word? Of course I did. Let's see if I can do this correctly. All right. Hey, everybody, video doorbell. Let's do that again. Oh, I'm adding all kinds of layers to the podcast here. Hang on a second. It's got to fucking. It's got to reload here. Hey, everybody, I'd like to take a little bit of time to talk about video doorbell. What is video? That was the shit video doorbell. This is the sound of a package being delivered or friends coming over for dinner. But it's also the sound of someone planning to rob you blind. Jesus Christ, that took a left turn, didn't it? Over 95% of homebreakings happened during the day. And all right, the wizard. What's going on here?

Oh, I think I'm stuck on one of those YouTube loops where they just keep playing the fucking the doorbell. Well, I think it works with the copy. I'm going to keep it. Anyways, and burglars always almost always start by ringing the doorbell to see if someone's home before pillaging your possessions. I guess that's a fancier doorbell. Oh, I like this music too. With ring video doorbell, you can see and talk to anyone at your door from anywhere in the world using your smartphone. Hi, I'm Bill Burr. What's happening? Is this a DJ party? Okay, I think we're having a fire alert here. Okay, back to the back to the copy rings advanced motion detection alerts you even if someone

doesn't ring the doorbell. It's like a caller ID for your home. You know, millions of people suffer every year and they don't have a video doorbell. Please share a personal story or how this could help you or someone you love. Hey, will you share a fucking personal story, you cunt? Isn't it enough? I'm reading your copy. I don't know anybody who has a video fucking doorbell. How does that work for you? It's your story. You like another one? I'm sorry. And ceiling ring takes minutes and it works with either your current wiring or built in rechargeable battery. Put your mind at ease and protect your home and your parakeet with the video doorbell. Time Magazine named one of the top 10 gadgets of 2014.

Share it or kill more purposes because eventually you have to throw out the wires and they will end up in the ocean. But right now, my listeners get the ring video doorbell for only $174. That's $25 off the normal price. Still kind of expensive though, you know. Door fucking house comes with a doorbell already attached. You're still making payments. Anyways, go to ring.com slash burr now. Protect your home and have peace of mind with ring. Go to ring.com slash burr for $25 off. Once again, that's ring.com slash burr. Oh, and he fades out the music. Jesus Christ, I could be a DJ. Put a fucking mousehead on me and see what happens. I'll tell you what'll happen, huh? A bunch of drugs will be taken.

How much can I freak out people at one of those raves? If you just had the DJ and he's playing all this mellow shit, then all of a sudden I don't know where I just started coming out with a mousehead screaming cunt over and over again. I would love to have an overhead shot of that, you know, maybe use one of those drones and just watching them all scatter like fucking roaches all across the desert. Stepping on sidewinders. Anyways, what else did I want to talk about? Oh, I got my truck back. Yeah, I got my fucking truck back. Sorry, sorry for the big intro there. Um, my truck, I had some fucking issues with it and I finally just decided to have them pull the engine and redo the whole fucking thing. It runs on and let it gas. I don't have to do any additive

anymore and it's running fucking like a bastard. Say in Boston there, it's running fucking strong as shit and we ordered the air conditioning and the power steering. It's going to be my fucking daily driver because right now I don't know if you've ever fucking tried to turn the wheel when there's no power steering. You do that in like a fucking 83 toilets yourself, which is the last one I ever drove that didn't have power steering. That's a bitch, this fucking F 100. I'm literally out of breath when I try to parallel park and then the anxiety I have if somebody's behind me, it takes like fucking, I swear to God, it takes me like seven minutes to park the fucking thing. So I was going to be one of those purists where I was like, I'm going to keep it the way it was

when it rolled off the assembly line in 1968. And then I just realized like, you know what, it was meant to be on a farm. It's now in Los Angeles. Okay, I already added, you know, put some disc brakes on the front. I gotta make this thing safe. I fucking love it though, man. I gotta tell you, the suspension though is fucked up. You go over a bump on that thing, you know, it's like it just starts rocking. And you know, if you don't have your seatbelt on, you literally hit your head. And I was talking to the guy I worked on my truck about possibly putting in an updated suspension. And he was saying, Well, I'd have to lower it like two or three inches. And I fucking hate that, man. I don't like those trucks that are lowered down, man.

I like it that it rides up a little high. So I'm willing, I only have three gears on it anyway. So how fast am I going to be driving? So I think I'm done messing with it. But I got a couple more things I have to get done on it. I don't have my directionals right now. But once I get the power steering and then the air conditioning, I think old daddy here is going to move on to trying to find a 65 galaxy that's got a straight body and everything else is fucked up on it. And I'm actually going to get that thing with automatic transmission. I was thinking about having a stick in it. I always like driving a standard. I just think it's cool, man. You feel like you're driving the fucking car. You know, I don't know. I'm just that grumpy old man. Like

now the cars are going to drive themselves. It's like, why the fuck would you want to do that? And then you know what, you know what's going to happen? Everybody's going to be on their fucking iPhones and reading and stuff. And all you're going to see going down the street is people hanging their heads out of these cars and then they're not driving. They're not driving. Puking out the side because everybody's car sick. That'll be the next thing that somebody will sell for 1995. It'll be like these fucking, you know, one size fits all curtains that you could fucking wrap all the way around the inside of your car. So you can read while it's driving and not get sick or fucking jerk off or have sex with somebody, right? What the fuck do you care? You

know what I mean? You know what's funny about that is the liability that the automakers will somehow get off of themselves. It'll somehow still be your fucking fault. And the insurance companies still won't pay you when the car that was supposed to drive by itself just stops working. Dude, how many times a week does your laptop crash? How good are these computers are going to be that I'm just going to just get in this fucking thing that has no conductor, no pilot, no nothing? I'm just sitting in this fucking thing. The car's going 40 miles an hour and so is my brain in my skull. Physics, it's going as fast as the car. And when the car up smashes into the tree, that's what my brain does to the front of my skull and goes back again. And then what happens, huh?

What happens? Like a good neighbor, go fuck yourself. That's what that's what the insurance companies will do. I'm not into that at all, man. I am into my phone is ringing here. What the fuck is this? Well, I don't know that is because you don't have a phone. No ID. I don't pick up. I'm actually bullshit. No, pick it up after this. Once this podcast is over. So anyways, I am so fucking excited to do this goddamn tour. I'm going to so many cities that I've never been to before. I've been to Portland before a bunch of times actually back in the day I used to work Havies comedy club. And the last time I was here, I worked helium. I did a bunch of colleges up here before used to do Coos Bay like every other year I would go down there. And after I do Portland,

and I just I just blow all the way through fucking California and all these places I never been to Sacramento. I've been there before. I'm there on the 19th and I go to Reno, which I've been there before. I'm going to go to bizarre guitar and gun shop. And then I'm back to California and I play Santa Rosa never been there doing two shows there. And according to the people that's the last place George Carlin performed at before. Unfortunately, he passed away. I'm doing one show. Sorry, one show there on June 21. So that's going to be a an unbelievable night. Then on the 22nd, I'm in San Jose. Then in Fresno, never been to Fresno at the Warner's Theater. I thought I said the Warriors Theater. I was like that's a cool fucking name. Then I'm in Bakersfield, never been there.

And I've driven through it, stopped and got gas, never fucking hung out there. And then I'm in Highland, California on the 25th for two shows. Then I'm in Vegas at the Mirage. And then I'm in Tucson. I mean, it's just going to be a fucking awesome tour. Got a really badass poster once again, kind of making fun of the drought out here. I actually retweeted a copy of it. And I'm just really looking forward to this, getting this fucking hour up to speed so I can murder with it, you know, because this time last year I taped, I'm sorry you feel that way. So I'm already, the clock is ticking. Sometime next year, I will tape another special. And it's what I plan on doing for the rest of my career because I don't know why I still love doing this

shit. 23 years in, I should not be excited to be going to Fresno and Bakersfield. But I am, because I've traveled enough to know that I'm going to meet some people out there and they're going to tell me some places to eat. Like people make fun of Reno. And then you go there and that bizarre guitar and gunshot thing just fucking blew me away. And that's only one thing that I saw there. And then I drove over to the, what's that fucking lake that's over there? You know, where Michael Corleone had Fredo whacked. I went over there and got a great burger. Was it Lake Tahoe? I'm really fascinated with that part of the country. And I know that I said I was going to do Eureka and I ended up falling through, but I'm definitely going to come back up.

I might even just come up for the day and fly my lovely wife up. And then I was thinking of driving back down, checking out the Redwood Forest, going to maybe wine country or some shit like that. But you know, it's a beautiful state. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of water out here. But you know, who knows? It might fall into the ocean one day. I might be on the road and I won't die with the state. And I can tell people when I got older, I remember I, I tore that whole state and kids will sit there wide eyed as I described places like Fresno and San Jose. It's Sacramento, right? Taking all of them for granted. I can tell them that I went there. I went there and I went to their fucking. No, what is that fucking Mexican restaurant that

McDonald's owns? You know, they got the burrito bowls. I was trying to pick something mainstream and not do the usual Wendy's and McDonald's. I love how McDonald's is now freaking out that they're actually using real meat. It's like, really? What the fuck were you using before? They'll never answer that question. All right, this was the Thursday afternoon podcast just before Monday, just before Friday. Sorry, the podcast. I want to thank all you guys for listening. There's gonna be another 30 minutes here, some throwbacks to some classic horseshit that I talked way back in the day. Thank you to everybody before I even do this tour. Everybody who shows up. I can't fucking wait. And I'm working with Joe Bartnick. I never did a bus tour with Joe Bartnick.

One of my favorite people on stage and off. We're gonna have a great time. And hey, as we roll through your cities and stuff, let us know some cool places to get dinner or lunch, a good place to go grab a drink or something or whatever. If you got something weird that we got to go see, like I know in Tucson, Arizona, I want to visit that airplane graveyard that they have. I got to fucking hit that. I want to see some crazy shit like that. I don't want to go to some fucking mall or Cineplex horseshit that I can do in my own town. So tell me something unique, something fucking weird. If you know a bartender with a fucked up eye or a weird way of clearing his throat, just something unique about where you live. Please let us know and

we'll try to hit as many as we can. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend and that's it. Yeah, have a good weekend, you guys. I'll see you. Oh, here's some advice somebody wants. Bill, my girlfriend looks like a centerfold. Good for you. She's blonde. She has a beautiful face, a tiny waist and giant cans. I have outdone myself. Well, what the fuck, man? Don't tell yourself short. Maybe you're a stud. So he says, however, having a girlfriend of such caliber as you might imagine comes with its share of problems. Oh, Jesus, here we go. Like your good self, I battle keeping my temper under control at times and particularly struggle when my girlfriend and I go out in public together.

In short, the amount of male attention she gets is ridiculous. And at times it's infuriating. Have you ever found yourself out with a girl and noticed that every man within a three mile radius from the sweaty 22 year old walking boner to the porky sexually frustrated father of three is blatantly staring at her tits in her ass. I've always been of the opinion that if a girl is obviously with a guy, whether you know him or not, it's a gentleman's code not to have a staring contest with her with her with her ring piece. I don't know what that means. What's that looking at her pussy? I have no idea this guy's from Australia. If a girl is alone or with girlfriend sure objectify the shit out of her. But I think if a girl is holding hands with their boyfriend

and you make it obvious that your helmet is pressing against the inside of your front zipper, then you're a cunt. Nothing serious has happened yet, but the weather is getting warmer. The outfits are getting smaller and I'm concerned I'm going to wind up with I'm going to wind up with some perverts blood and quite possibly come on my hands all for now. All right. All right. This is a tricky situation, sir. You know, it's a very tricky situation. You know, there's a price you pay for everything. All right. You're the one who has a centerfold fucking girlfriend with a great ass and nice set of fucking tits. And you just, you just have to this, this, this is, this is how I look at this shit.

As long as your woman isn't going around trying to get attention, if she's just fucking standing there and she's so goddamn stunning that men are looking at her. But, you know, she's not, ooh, I dropped my lipstick and then slowly bending over at the waist while looking over her shoulder. If she's doing that, I can tell you right now, bang her another couple of times and then fucking dump her because she's going to be an absolute fucking nightmare and you don't need that in your life. Okay. But if she's just a stunningly gorgeous woman, that kind of comes with it. And if you lose your fucking temper and you start acting like a maniac, that's a great way to eventually annoy this shit out of her.

And because she can't help it. Like I said, if she's not trying to get attention, she can't help it that she's gorgeous. And if you, then it's in this weird way, you're giving her shit for being herself, which is not fun for anybody. And then you're going to have a problem. So I don't know how to, you know what it's like, it's like, it's like when I whore myself out at the end of my shows and I sell DVDs. All right, I don't have to do that, but I choose to do it and I'm standing as a choice I fucking made. And then I stand there and what's going to happen. I answered this. Yeah, this is one of these podcast questions. All right, eventually somebody's going to come up and they're going to fucking insult me. Tell me they didn't

like my act. Tell me they didn't think I was as funny as when they saw me on TV and I can't get mad because it's my fucking fault for standing there like an asshole. Just, you know, I put myself on the dunking stool and I got to admit, sir, if you're, if this, if your girl is the way that you describe her, you just have to accept that it's par for the course and just give yourself a little halftime speech before you go out. You know, I'm not going to lose my shit. But if it is overt, there has to be a way that you can fucking address it without pissing her off without, you know, you also don't want to get into a fucking fight. I don't know, just say, buddy, can you limit it to like, you know, five second shifts of staring at her? I can't say tits.

I don't know what you do. Dude, that's, that's a rough one. That's a rough one. Man, that takes me back to being Jesus Christ. I was like 21 years old. I went on this, I went out on a date with this girl who was well out of my fucking league just because I didn't have the confidence to fucking be with her. You know what I mean? Beautiful girl. And I went out with her and I noticed she just kept looking around the restaurant to see who was looking at her. And I remembered it annoyed the shit out of me, but I, I didn't have any experience of beautiful women. So I just sort of accepted it. And, but I never went out with her again. It just, it drove, it, I saw, I tapped out somewhere through the fucking dinner. Even back then I was an angry

son of a bitch. I was like, let me get this straight. I'm buying you fucking dinner and you're looking around to see who else is staring at your tits. Yeah, you're a cunt. Good looking cunt, but a cunt nonetheless. Someday those looks are going to be gone and I'm just going to be left with a cunt. You know, who's going to be a psycho cunt because you're an attention whore. And when the attention goes away, you're going to be like some celebrity who fell off the fucking mat. Fuck this bitch. Fuck this. You know, and that was the end of that shit. That is podcast. It's fucking horrific. All right. There's a lot of question out there about, you know, things that happen within

society, especially, you know, this, this is something that I think a lot of white people need because not because we're more racist than anybody else. We just get just the consequences of us fucking up is so much harsher than other people because, you know, we are the gold standard when it comes to racists. We are in the driver's seat right now. We have been in the driver's seat for a while basically meaning that if we are ignorant assholes, it has way more effect than when other people are, you know, back in the day when other people were running shit. That's the thing. Whoever's on top, if you're thinking ignorant, that's why, you know, if you're on top and you're thinking ignorant shit, you have to be called on it because

just because the, because the effect that you can have, you know what I mean? Like if somebody from Bangladesh fucking hates me, that's such a stupid example. Okay. That's not a race of people. I don't even know what Bangladesh is and I gotta be honest with you. I don't even know if that's a city or a country. Bangladesh. Have you ever seen that on the prices right? You know, in Showcase Showdown, we're sending you to Bangladesh. Some white trash person like myself just said with the confused look on their face like, I don't know where that is. Is that where the terrorists are? I don't want to go there. Whatever. Like if Filipino people fucking hate me, that doesn't affect my life. It doesn't. I'm not going to go and do a job

interview at, you know, Walmart is not run by Filipinos. You know what I mean? You know, not saying there's anything wrong with Filipinos. All right. See, we'll see what I have to do right there as a white person. Don't say I'm saying anything bad about Filipinos. Just be clear here. I have never had issues. I've never had a bad, a bad, a cat. I'm not fucking all that shit. You got to go to the Jerry Lewis voice there. Lady. So yeah, people have questions. So here we go. And I think all races should chime in the questions that you have. If you have feelings about a different race of people and you just think you're thinking something funny, there's nothing malicious, but is this offensive? Is it racist? This is, this is the new topic. Okay.

And if you feel that I answer these questions, like the ignorant white man that I am, call me out on it. I'm here. So here we go. This first one, Bill, isn't racist to call Indians. Dibba dabbos. And I'm talking about the Asian ones, not Native Americans. I'm guessing by Dibba dabbos. You mean Dibba dabboo. You're saying like that. Dibba dabboo. Um, is it racist? Probably. But it's fucking funny. So that knocks it down a little bit. This is what I feel that makes something like racist. It's like, like the reason why that one isn't as offensive is because we haven't, we never enslave them. That's the reason why white and black shit is so sensitive is because of the shit that

we did to them. But we haven't really fucked with those people, you know? So if the black version of that was, is it, is it offensive to call black people? Hey, man, motherfucker. Whatever. Yes, that would be offensive. If you did some sort of mocking of the way they spoke, yes, that would be, that would be offensive. If some CEO was giving a speech and I was driving, actually, I was having someone else drive my town car. And we drove by a group of yo motherfuckers and they proceeded to walk towards. Yeah, you'd have to apologize. So I guess, yeah, I guess technically Dibba dabboo. Like that would be, that would be offensive. Is it racist?

This is what I really, I really, it's hard for me to say because it had, it's what's in your heart. You know, because I make fuck. I really, I make fun of everybody, you know? I mean, I play a game out here when someone is making, let me ask you, I got a question for you. Is this racist? I have a game out here when I ride around with Nia and she does not approve of this to keep her in the clear. She does not approve of this. When somebody makes a moronic move in front of me, you know, driving, you know, just makes a fucking horrific move. I play a game called old or Asian. And you have to guess when, because I'm going to pass the person because I got to see what they look like, you know, whenever somebody does something fucked up, some comedians do a great

joke about that. You just want to see what the fuck they look like, right? That's the game old or Asian. So as I speed up my little hybrid to try to pull parallel to them, I always say, what do you say Nia? What are you going with? Old or Asian? What do you got? Old or Asian? She goes, I'm not playing this game. That's mean. And then I was going, I'm going to go with old. And then I pull up. Oh, it's fucking Asian. You know, or, oh, I nailed it. It wasn't old guy. So is that racist? I'm sure it's offensive, but within the context of my own car, you know, I'm not yelling at anybody. And I got to admit, you know, there's a lot of truth in the fucking game. Jesus, I'm going to have to apologize next week on the podcast. So I would

say that, uh, uh, Indian people, why don't you chime in? I would say that, yeah, that they would find that, they would find that offensive. Is it racist? Let me see if I can use it in a sentence here. Hey, uh, you know, I called up customer service and, uh, you know, one of those nippadamas answered and tried to tell me that his name was Steve and act like he was in Kentucky. But I, I know that he was actually in India because what he talked to him was going double, double words. How could I help you? Um, is it racist? Probably. You know what? Something bad has to happen between white culture and, uh, or Western culture and, uh, Indians. So you know what I mean? It's like, uh, it's like you're playing a team and there's no rivalry.

Like Patriots versus Jets this year was like, uh, whites and blacks. It was bad. It was a lot of hate, you know, but like Patriots versus like the fucking lions, you know, yeah, there's going to be some shit talking. It's, it's knocked out, but it still hurts if somebody says something mean. I don't, I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. All right, let's move to the next one. The next one on the new controversial topic on the Monday morning podcast is it racist? All right, here we go. Um, Bill, I had an interesting experience today apparently involving me as a racist. I was walking with two of my coworkers who are both black. Oh geez, here we go. Um, we were going to go get some lunch. One of my coworkers who are most of friends with, uh,

did a little high five fist bump shuffle with one of the female security guards at the front desk knowing both of them and how they interact with one another. I kind of made a in passing comment to the tune of man, you guys in your handshakes while obviously laughing laughing while obviously laughing at just how choreographed it was and more or less picturing them in a studio or something working out the logistics to get the fucking handshake perfect. Anyways, we all laughed and moved on and we got our lunch. All right, so nothing wrong yet. So you're cool with these people. You made a joke and everybody laughed. No problems. No problems so far. Um, however, after coming back through secure, uh, back through security, I noticed the security guard stopped me and kind of had a

scowl on her face. I thought she was mad at me for something, but it turned out she was mad at this other lady who was black because she overheard my comment and was telling, uh, that security guard that she couldn't believe I had the nerve to say something like that. And I should be ashamed also to the point where she could, um, almost to the point where she could actually go complain to the human resource people because she was offended. Um, et cetera, without even considering that maybe just maybe I was talking about the security guard and my coworker and not all black people. Now it being corporate America and all, I'm sure rather than even face the possibility of any bad press, they'd rather just sweep me out the door and completely ruin my

any reputation that I may or may not hold at the company just to save their own asses. I feel I did nothing wrong and had no intentions of ever doing anything wrong or anything wrong. I'm not going to go on and on about how I kiss black babies and try to rehabilitate inner city schools because I don't, but I'm certainly not some corn fed rebel flag waving ignorant product of what might be incest. I guess my question is, do we really have to walk on eggshells when we are just making casual conversation that just any, that just any cunt can pick apart, select the context that they might think it is in and then start crying foul. Basically, I would have liked to call that woman a cunt and told her

to go fuck herself, but let's just say I was already kind of worried about my job. All right. See. Yeah, I think this is, this is the classic one where you were fucking around. The other two people knew you were fucking around, but then one person just decides to get offended and then you have to go on TV and apologize, which personally, I think is the wrong move because when you apologize, now it's like you're, you're admitting that you meant it in a bad way. I mean, the apology I would do there and say, look, you know, I'm sorry that you didn't understand that I was joking, but I'm not going to sit here and apologize. Like I have any, any sort of ill will come in your way, you know, but I, but just to avoid the problem in the future, white people

do not use the expression you guys or you people when talking about black people. That's just, it's just not going to, you're setting yourself up for someone to get offended and there's a weird sort of push pole going on with that whole you guys and you people thing where when somebody white says that, there becomes this concern of that you're separating. You're separating like, you know, you people over there with how you live your lives and we're over here. Black people have that weird relationship with white people where they're like, you know, can you stop stealing our fucking music and our culture? But then like if something, you know, hey, let's pave the streets, you know, well, make sure you do it in our neighborhood.

We're all in this together, right? All of us together. You know what I mean? So that's that weird sort of fucking push pole thing going on. So yeah, just avoid, avoid the whole fucking yeah, you fucked up. You didn't fuck up, but you left yourself open for a sucker punch by saying you guys, you know, that's, I guess that that's what it is. I don't know. That's, that's, that's my, I'm basically a white guy telling a white guy how he fucked up. So black people, if you're listening to this thing, please, please help me out here. Did I basically get it right? Is that essentially it? And I know most people wouldn't get offended. All right. So there you go. That's the new, that's the new topic. Is it racist? And I would love to hear some honest comments from

non white people about their thoughts, you know, the fucked up ones too. Okay. Because I've watched enough Spike Lee movies to think that evidently it's just us, but I've hung around enough people from different races to realize, oh yeah, everybody's like this. Yeah. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cyrillus where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cyrillus, along with all NS novelties. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of

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