Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-2-16

Episode Date: June 2, 2016

Bill rambles about ACDC, back fat and Portland chicks.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. If I go to work every day, I'm going to jump in 20 years, and I'll tell you right now, I didn't miss it. Oh, I didn't miss getting in the fucking car. Bum-bum-bum, doodaloo-doo-doo, right? I don't think I'll ever get over how fucking awful the drivers are out here. There's a complete lack of sense of where their fucking car is. One more cunt in front of me is going to make a left, and they're just sitting right in

the middle of the lane. Go over to the fucking left so everyone around you can go around you. I know you've been the guy trying to get around the person. Did you learn nothing? Obviously you didn't. Obviously you didn't. I try. I play like a little game.

Like, how long can I go before I lose my shit? Like, I could literally just make a great YouTube show if I just put a, I don't know about great, but it'd be interesting. If I just put a GoPro up on the inside of my fucking Prius dashboard and just, maybe you just call the show, how long can he go, right? It'd be like every day, okay? Bill drives from here to here, right? I might do this.

Bill drives from here to here, whatever. You say the distance and then you guys can gamble. It's like fantasy football without the fucking football and you'll have an over-under. How many times is he going to snap or whatnot? You know? You'll get the name of the show, but whatever. It could be interesting. To me.

I don't know if it's interesting. To you. Hey, you know what car I've been seeing lately? That I'm actually, I like is that Volkswagen GTI. They brought the thing back and every time I peek in creepily into the fucking cars as I walk by, I see that they still have the stick shift. There's not a lot of those left. That's a great car.

Good bang for the buck, right? All frugal freckles. Yeah, God forbid he buys himself something flashy. I swear to God, you think that I lived in the depression. I always hear like my parents how fucking frugal their grandparents were. I think it rubbed off on them and then it's on to me. I'll buy my fucking wife anything, but I won't buy myself shit. I just won't do it.

I always get there. I'm going to buy it. I'm going to do it. And I go, what the fuck am I going to do? And then I'm going to have it. And then what? Then what am I going to do with it? Then it's just going to be sitting there.

It's either going to get dust on it or someone's going to drive into the fucking side of it. What's the point? You know, a very wise man once told me, you know what true wealth is? Walk into into a mall being able to buy anything and then you don't. And he goes and you walk out and you have the freedom of that lack of debt. And I'll tell you, it's fucking addicting. It really is. Although recently, somebody just gave me a fucking wireless speaker.

And I was freaking out about the thing. I actually synced up my phone to it. I couldn't believe how great it sounded and I was going to add it into my gym course until the lovely Nia heard how good it sounds. She was like, that should be in the house. We should both use it. So, you know, I got fucked out of that thing. But so I'm like an asshole.

I think I might have even told this story on Monday. I was actually texting people telling them, you got to get a wireless speaker. This thing is fucking incredible. And every one of my friends wrote me back. Like, yeah, I kind of bought one of those like five years ago. And I was like, oh, you know, just, you know, case you had, you know, I just figured it out. You know what?

I'm actually recording this because my wife's still sleeping and it's her birthday, right? So I don't want to wake her up, which I probably already did. So I'm in this, I'm in this room and I have these are all my old drum. I can't even say DVDs, most of these are VHS. I bought, I bought like every instructional fucking video you could. The classic. I got the Tommy Aldridge rock, drums, soloing and double bass workout.

I got another one, double bass drumming. I don't even know who that is. I don't even play double bass, Kenny Aranoff's power workout. Number one and two with the workout booklet. I got the Carter Beauford one. That's a DVD. I got Steve Gad up close. I got the funky drummers who have the David Garibaldi's tower of groove.

Omar Akeem, let it flow. The modern drummer festival to year 2000. This is all just drum geek shit. I got fucking everybody. Keith Kallock, Dennis Chambers, the drum basseters. The drummer collective 25th. Oh, then I got Steve Bland up close on DVD and in session. Two copies of that for some fucking reason.

Jesus Christ, look at all these fucking things. Modern drummer. What year is that one? 2008, that's not bad. John Blackwell, Greg Bissonette. I got, I got them all. I got them all. Dave Weckel, Victor Wooten and Carter Beauford.

Zorro, I got, I got them all. Got them all. God knows it didn't help. But you know what? I bought them all. Oh, I bought them all. Um, by the way, so recently I said to a buddy of mine, I was like, you know what? I think the best guitar sound.

My favorite guitar sound I ever heard on an AC DC album was the for those about to rock album. He was like, really? I never listen to that fucking thing. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that was the album that came out right after the Back in Black album, which sold, you know, like fucking 90s zillion copies. So that there's nowhere to go after that, right?

There's no fucking way to go after that. So no matter what you come up with, people are going to say it's a flop. But I fucking love that album. And it just so happened, Dean Delray. From Jesus, I just spaced on the name of his fucking podcast. For those about to talk. No, let there be talk. I knew it was one of the AC DC albums.

He he sent me this great article on the making of the Back in Black album. And I was so crazy to me because I was old enough when that came out. Like I remember when Back in Black came out, I was 12 years old. And then Dirty Deeds came out, which was actually a Bond Scott. And he was already dead, obviously. And then they they release that for whatever fucking reason. Now, looking at it, which is crazy, because Bond Scott dies right after the Highway to Hell album and AC DC gets Brian Johnson.

And it's literally like, if this guy doesn't make it, they go right back to playing pubs, who knows what the fuck happens? The band's over. And they end up having one of the, you know, just basically eight Back in Black albums sold more copies than anything, probably other than like Michael Jackson, thriller or Pink Floyd, the wall, not the wall, the dark side of the moon, whatever. Jesus, Bill, get to the point here.

So you'd think the last thing you would fucking do is after you've established a new fucking singer is then put out some old shit. By the last guy who's now dead. So the fucking new guy has to reestablish himself all over again. I never even thought about that because I just loved everything that they did. And I remember being confused. Of why Back in Black, the guy on Back in Black sounded so different on dirty deeds, because there was no fucking information back then.

There was no internet shit just came out and like, oh, another AC DC album. Then you'd put it on. You had no fucking idea, especially at 12. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. And then for those about the rock came out after that. So this is great article talking about all of that and how that was Atlantic Records. They thought AC DC was a flash in the pan and they thought the Back in Black

album, I don't know how the fuck you make an album as great as that. You don't think that they have anything else left in the tank. So they were like, oh, well, let's strike while the iron's hot. And they fucking put out dirty deeds and the band didn't want them to. It had been released, I believe, in Australia and then also in in England under a different fucking name. I forget. I used to know all this shit when I was super fucking AC DC nerd.

And also I hadn't talked on a cell phone for 20 years, so I had a memory. But then for those about the rock came out. I remember this fucking kid in gym class going like, you hit a new AC DC album, does much rock. I was like, I haven't heard yet. He goes, yeah, fucking sucks. I remember thinking like, what do you mean? I don't think it sucks.

I like that album, you know, I like the first song and I find I never bought the album because he told me that it sucked. Until years later, I finally was just like, fuck this, man, I'm going to buy this album. And to this day, I still listen to that. Like when I go downstairs, you know, walk right into my garage with my fucking gym, right, which is so awesome. That's what I play. That's what I've been playing lately.

And it's fucking hilarious. Like I literally when I go to my gym now, which is just like back in the day when I lived in my parents' house and I just would go down to the basement and I would play either Appetite for Destruction, the whole fucking album. I used to play that whole album, lift to it, and then I would go play drums to it or whatever whatever album I was into, I would lift weights to the entire album. And then I would play drums to it or try to. So I'm in the middle of doing that yesterday.

It was fucking, you know, Bench and Day, your favorite fucking day. The only only fucking exercise you really keep track of what weight you're putting up. And I had a flashback. I fucking I was half asleep, you know, writing all day. And I tried to get the workout in before going to the writer's room. So I don't become a fucking fat, pasty fuck. And so I had the forty fives on either side. Right. I do a set.

And then I was going, I thought I grabbed tens, right, to just do one fifty five. And I wasn't paying attention. And I picked it up off the bars. Wow, this feels really fucking heavy. And I just brought it down to my chest. And I was like, I couldn't lift it back. I grabbed twenty five. So I went up to one eighty five, which, you know, I mean, when you get,

that's a lot of weight for me. I mean, that's more than what I weigh. So I'm sitting there. I got it on my chest and Nia's asleep. And I'm going, Nia, Nia, and I can't get it off. It took me back to the days when I was living at home with my parents. And I'd be going, mom, mom. And she'd be going, I'll be down there in a minute.

And I'd be down there like with fucking like, you know, one eighty five, one ninety sitting on my fucking chest, trying to get it off. Two hundred pounds was always like I was always trying to get up to that. But I was just I'm a middleweight, man, like, seriously, if I wasn't such a fucking booze bag, like I probably should weigh like between one sixty one sixty five instead of a buck eighty. But that last fifteen pounds of telling you is nothing but Scotch and pizza. Right. So I got this shit sitting on my chest and I'm like, holy fuck.

I don't I didn't have clips on it, but I didn't want to fucking I didn't want to dump it off to one side. You know, when you do that and then you get fucking whipped around because I was worried I was going to fly into the mirror. Right. So I ended up having to roll the thing down like back in the day. And there's that brutal part where it gets right on your fucking hip bones. And then you got to do the little up and over your junk

before all the weight rests on your fucking thighs. Oh, it's the worst I hadn't done it so long. And the closer it gets to your kneecaps and then finally you got to do that fucking thing where it just it just scrapes your knee bones and then, boom, hits the floor. And yeah, I did that as a forty seven soon to be forty eight year old man. That was my fucking yesterday morning. I love the hole in this wall. Isn't that great? You know, I like the hole in the wall

and I'm looking at right now as I can see the copper fucking pipe that I had put in there. I'm finally going to get this fixed, get this fucking room painted. And that's it. Then all I need to do is redo the kitchen and then it's a brand new fucking house. It's the house that it should have been that it used to be. You know, then I'll probably put it on the market and I'll take it for like a four hundred thousand dollar loss. By a house people, it's a great investment.

I'm such a fucking weirdo, even though I'm going to lose money on this fucking house, I actually, well, I guess if I guess if I never sell it, I won't, right? What I like about it, what I did to the house is I actually. This is going to be weird. I feel like a sense of responsibility when you own a fucking house, you know, that the next person should get it and they should be like, you know what, I appreciate the last guy fucking did this right. He kept it nice.

You know, you ever see an old guy with an old car, but he kept it nice. Still got a nice and fucking waxed and all of that shit. And everybody goes, look at that guy. That guy was raised fucking right, you know, that's what I'm hoping the next people are going to think. But I know they're not. They're just going to come in here and do fucking blow and fuck hookers and have some goddamn kid running around with a fucking crayon

and ruin all this shit, not even appreciate that. I got the fucking door locks fixed and there's a little skeleton key in there and you can lock all the doors like it's nineteen twenty three again, you know, when you're going to have Charlie Chaplin over for some fucking non genetically altered fucking horse meat burgers or whatever the fuck they used to eat back then. Anyways, I need to get glasses, by the way, I got to do that. I got to get my physical here so I can.

I told you with the pilot's license every two years, I got it. I don't think I'm going to pass the exam. And I was actually thinking about it like I can probably get away with it. You know, I can probably one more time get away with it. And it's like, Bill, do you want to be like thirteen hundred feet off the ground getting away with something? What are we doing here? Why don't we try to get a fucking priority straight, you know,

and make it fucking happen? So I'm going to go get some and. I know I'm going to look like a fucking sex offender, so it's already going to be funny to me. Actually, you know something, you know, who did a joke like that was Ari Shafir. So I got to give him credit, even though. That's I'm not even like lifting a joke there. That's exactly what I would look like.

But that just made me flash back when he shaved his head and he was talking about he couldn't have his glasses on because if you put him on, he looked like a sex offender. See that not right there is why I don't like watching other people's acts because the shit just rolls around in your head and all of a sudden it just puts one in the chamber. Anyways. Plowing ahead here.

Did anybody. Anybody listen to the Michael Rappaport podcast? I am Rappaport. I called in to his podcast and we talked some sports and you know, he ended up wanting to put money on game seven. All right, better steak dinner. And I took OKC and he took the Warriors. I forget what the spread was, but I just didn't feel like it was enough points.

I didn't feel comfortable with the bed. It was like seven or something like that. I just said, you know what, bump it up to eight. You bump it up to eight. You give me eight points, I'll take OKC. And he goes, all right, you know, bet. And you know what, bam, right there, Fred. Fucking eight points.

It's exactly what the spread was. Dude, I fucking called it. So we didn't work out what a what a what a push would be like who would win. So now we're we've bet the NBA finals. I took the Cleveland Cavaliers. He took the Golden State Warriors. So it's can't even say double or nothing because nobody won the first one.

So I don't know, that's always a great bet. You know, a steak dinner, it's not going to break the bag and then you get to go out and even though it's costing you money, you get a steak out of it, right? It's not bad. Wouldn't you say? All right, let's plow ahead here. Let's do a little bit of read some advertising here

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bowlandbranch.com, promo code BRR. All right. I'm the only one who kind of looked at Ruby the receptionist. You know, just the way they word that. And now, you know, for a fraction of the cost, you can underpay these fucking people, you know? I like a fucking receptionist. And you know, I might be old school.

I might be sexiest, sexiest, sexist. That's what I'm trying to say. I like the reception, the whoreier, the better. As long as they get the job done. It's nothing better when you walked in, right? And there was some fucking, you know, chick walking around with fucking, fuck me, pumps on. You know, she looks good.

And all these goddamn feminists out there that sit there and they flip out and they act like every fucking beautiful woman out there would be a chemist if it wasn't for men like me. You know, some of them, they're putting their best foot forward. Jesus Christ. What do you think we have remote controls for? Because no one wants to get up off the couch.

And goddamn it, if a woman is born beautiful and all she's got to do is walk around with her ass jacked up and her tits jiggling around a fucking office. And next thing you know, she's got a beautiful home to go home to, right? Because some rich guy goes in there going, you know what, I'd like to stick my billionaire dick and say, well, what's wrong with that?

And then meanwhile, some fucking, you know, half her leprechaun jerk off like me can come in and I got something to look at while I'm waiting for the fucking doctor to finally come in and figure out what's wrong with my spinal cord. What is wrong with that? What is wrong with that, you homely fucking haters of beautiful women?

God bless them. God bless them for just showing up and looking good, you know? Giving you something to rub one out too. You know, everything serves a purpose in life, like right now. If you're some broad and you're listening to me, I'm probably motivating you to go write some paper, maybe in Portland, you know?

We all serve a fucking purpose. Can't we just let the whores be whores? You know, there's a reason the word exists, all right? And I, you know, I guess because men are running shit that sometimes there's just fewer options, but give me a fucking break, you know what I mean? It would be great if everything was like even, you know what I mean? Everything was just fair and the best got the fucking job, right?

But that's never going to happen because we're human beings, and that includes those feminists who don't want it equal. They just want it better for them, right? That's why they're only talking about women. They're not talking about the poor kids that sew together. They have bed sheets unless they go to a bowling branch. Oh, look at that little callback to the advertising. All right, let's just say it was free, not free.

Let's just say everything was fucking even. Are you really going to tell me that there wouldn't still be that chick running around just fucking blowing people because she enjoys it? Why can't she just, you know, why can't she have a good time? Without you judging her. You homely hater of a cock gobbler, huh? I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I'm just filling up time here. Oh, would you look at that, 26 minutes in. And I'm waiting for my lady to wake up. I've got a couple of nice gifts. A couple of right there, friends. I'm a big fan of buying your wife like something that she wears, you know? Because the more shit that you buy her that she wears, clothes, necklace, jewelry, any of that bullshit,

the more that shit that you buy her, the bigger chance she's going to be wearing it when she's bitching at you about something. And all you do is you just put your eyebrows up and then she's, you just point to whatever you bought her, you know, stops them right in their tracks. What's that? You got something on your wrist there? What is that?

And then the first they're looking, what, did I put my arm in something? No, no, no, right there on your wrist. And then they just look down, then they realize what you're doing, then they just go, oh, fuck you. And then you laugh and it's over. You laugh and then it's over, right?

And you go over, you do a couple of Jaeger bombs over at your fucking bar. And you be like, what? I mean, you're drinking too much. And then you point to their earrings. What? Is there something on the side of her face? Oh, fuck you. Yeah, it's great.

And then you get another round telling you all you assholes who are hiding your booze in the back of your fucking toilet, just ease off on the booze, buy your wife a couple of things that she's going to be wearing, and then you can drink in public like a man. You know, Jesus fucking Christ.

Jesus. You know, imagine being that big of a drunk that you're actually like, because that's so fucking cliched. You know, it's also brilliant too. You know, the first guy who did it, because you're keeping it nice and chilled. Right?

You're taking it off the back. Oh God, what a fucking, how unhappy is that goddamn life? Your wife's just sitting there fucking yammering at you, and you're going, oh my God, I don't think I can get through this. You know, she thinks you got some sort of weak bladder.

You just keep going in there, you know. Taking the little cork out, taking a swig, like a fucking pirate. Then you got to flush the toilet like you dropped another deuce. Oh my God. I guess if you're an alcoholic, you probably eat better, right?

You just keep eating veggies all the time. So no one would get wise to the fact you had a little bottle back there. I really don't even know what I'm talking about right now. All I know is that the Pittsburgh penguins, the knee breakers, they're up two games to none. What a fucking story that's going to be if they win.

I'm telling you right now, I don't know what the fucking odds were, but nobody, people even in Pittsburgh, didn't even put money down. And if they did, they just did it because they loved their team, but nobody at the beginning of this season. There's no Pittsburgh penguin fan that said,

you know what, the penguins are going to make the fucking Stanley Cup final. They're going to make the finals. They're going to make the Stanley Cup final, and they're going to go up two games to none. There's not one person, not one piramide or panini, whatever the fucking that place is called,

where they stick to French fries and like fucking your breakfast and your dinner in between those buns, right? There's nobody standing down there, right? With the giant fucking back roll, you know? Pittsburgh's big on that, man. People guys sit down at bars, and you just got like those just softball-sized chunk

of fucking lard, you know? Just protect, it's like the kidney airbag, right? Just sitting there, right? And you know what? That's not a set. It's a fucking trifecta, because once you got those, then you got the fucking butt crack,

and that's what you got. That's what you see when you go into those fucking places. And you know, Pittsburgh's not the only place that goes, hey, you know, we all like burgers and fries, you know? We all like a sandwich with fries, but isn't it annoying that, you know, you got to hold the sandwich in one hand

and then pick up the fries with the other? Wouldn't it be great if you could just have them all between the sandwich, you know what I mean? So you can just shove it down your fucking throat as you're dialing another fucking pizza, you know? Calling up dominoes or some shit? They're not the only ones who do that. There's a bunch of fucking places around the country that do it.

And I'm telling you, whenever you go into those places, I'm telling you, you see the kidney airbags, those giant fucking ham hocks just hanging. I mean, literally, like, I swear to God, people in Pittsburgh, I'm telling you, like 40% of them, you could literally take an aluminum bat and just fucking whack them in the,

right in their back fat, and it would take them, like, probably a good 30 seconds before they turned around. They felt it in eight seconds, but they got to get all, they got to get the momentum to turn that torso around. And all you got to do is just stay outside of their meat hooks, but I'm telling you, if anybody from Pittsburgh gets their hands on you, it's fucking over,

they're going to pull you into that mass and you're just going to be claustrophobic, like, just yet, they're going to drown you in their fucking mantits. I'm telling you, the Amituris die a year, just accidentally. They go to Pittsburgh for a fucking pirate game, one of the most beautiful stadiums ever, right?

One of those fucking ham hock, Pittsburgh Fatties gets a little too drunk, they lose their fucking equilibrium, and they just fall. You know, you ever see, like, when they go to detonate a building and it doesn't fall right, or some jerk off goes to cut down a tree and it lands on his own house, that's what happens. Except the house is a tourist

and the trees are fatty from Pittsburgh. All right, I don't know what I'm saying. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Just checking in on you, all right? Here's some music. Enjoy this. I don't know what the fuck it's going to be. I don't handle this aspect of it. And then you can listen to the last half hour

or be some podcasts from a year going by from the same freckled douche that you're listening to now. You have been listening to the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, you cunts. And I hope San Jose wins. Not the whole series. I just need seven games. This is nothing against Pittsburgh.

It's just breaking your balls. It's just that this is when, like, the panic, my sports panic starts settling in. Like, oh my god, the hockey season's over. NBA's over. It's just baseball, baseball, baseball. It's all the dog days of fucking baseball. And the Red Sox are in first place, too.

I'll have to get into it. Oh, by the way, month of May, the cigar count, all freckles, I only had one. I only had one. Last three months. I said I'd have two a month this year. I had two in January, two in February, two and a half, because one wasn't lit right, but I don't count that one. Fuck that. Two, two, I had one in March,

one in April, one in May. So that's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. How do you like that? That's not bad. Now, we're not going to discuss my drinking, though, because I'll tell you it's off the fucking charts. See you. Hi. Oh, lad, it's all I need.

And I fall up and up for pants. Yeah. I was young once this guy came to me, told me with all the honey out there, said the honey gold, juice, money, women, wine, cars, and shine. I don't know what he was talking about, but I think I had an idea. He said smell the rose, sweet sweet rose,

cast the sun, find where it goes. He said smell the rose, the sweet sweet rose, the golden castle walls in heaven. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast that I am doing on Tuesday at 11.20 in the morning.

East Coast time. Fuckin' believe that? Look at me slippin'. You know, no excuse. Actually, I do have an excuse. It was my girlfriend's birthday yesterday, so I was being a great boyfriend, paying attention to her,

and someone had to suffer. You know what I mean? It's like a threesome. Someone always feels left out. No matter how much you try to pay attention. Oh, my kid, and I never had a threesome before. I couldn't have one once. I think twice.

The first time, I didn't realize that it was going down. I was so young and stupid, I was actually sitting there, and I was thinking, why won't her roommate leave? You know? The fuck. And it wasn't until, like,

literally seven years later, I went, oh, wait a minute. She wasn't leaving, because fuck. And then the other time, I was right there on the table, and it was really gorgeous, and the other one

was not gorgeous. Let's put it that way. It was so not gorgeous that she eclipsed the beauty of the other one. You know? So there you go. Hey, you learned something about me

right off the damn bat? Okay. Well, this is what we're going to do this week on the podcast. There's a new to this shit new to my page. I do one of these every goddamn week,

and people ask me questions, and I try to answer them, and other than that, I babble. I give you information about my life. And that's it. I'm fucking out of it. All right, I drank last night. Okay, I was celebrating.

Next, I went to this goddamn restaurant in New York who went to Babel. And I'm a big fan of Mario Batali, but I like Wumba better. Babel was just too... It was too... What do you... My palate was not sophisticated enough,

right? I'll take the blame. Jesus Christ. It was like regular dishes with shit you'd never eat. I had beef cheek ravioli. Yeah. Why don't you fucking take that in for a minute?

And they had, you know, they had like pheasant face, fucking lasagna, you know what I mean? It was always like half what you had heard of. Like goose liver, fucking souffle. So, I don't know.

It was... It was good. But lupa is the shit. That's the one that I like. That's got like fucking, you know, regular animal body parts that we mixed in with fucking rigatoni.

Ha, ha, ha. Oh, what the fuck are you gonna do, you know? You try shit. You know, she wanted to go there, fucking took it there, and that's what happened. I ate two cupcakes for breakfast. What do you think about that?

It was sitting there, left over from the party. And I said, that's a great way to start my day. Let me give myself 9,000 calories straight sugar. It was unreal. It was like I did an eight ball. That's where I ate the two cupcakes for 20 minutes. I was just sitting there

thinking how fucking great I was. I'm like, I'm fucking awesome! I could do anything I want! I'm fucking the greatest! And 20 minutes later, when the sugar started wearing off, oh my god, I started pulling the drapes closed. Laying in here like, I don't know.

I don't know. I'll never start your day with fucking two cupcakes after you had a beef cheek fucking ravioli. Beef cheek. I was like, cheek like the ass? You being cute there? Like, no. They actually know what I didn't have the fucking balls

to ask them. I didn't want to know how I was eating somebody's face. Eatin' a yak face. Yeah, let me get the yak taint ragoon. Alright, let's continue with the continuing story of American Airlines. If you listened to my podcast last week,

these cheap ass motherfuckers at American Airlines, they alligate our arms to fucking food up in first class. You know what I mean? They had 20 people in first class and they made five omelets. The next thing you know, I was eating a bowl of total

over in Nebraska. Actually, no, that's not what happened. Just to give you the quick synopsis, I said, and your honeycomb cereal. This is first class. If I don't get a goddamn omelet, I don't want anything. I said all of that with a little less anger and no curses. So a few seconds later, the guy came back.

All of a sudden, magically, he has an omelet and I'm like, wait, did you get that? And he informs me that the pilot said he already ate so I could have his omelet. And I was like, I don't want his fucking omelet. I want my omelet. Alright? I don't want a starving pilot, you know,

passin' out up there and bogey's leanin' forward on the goddamn yoke. Whatever you call it. Alright? So, I sent them a letter. And this is the letter that they sent back to me. And I swear to God, you know, back in the day,

if something like this ever happened and you actually wrote a letter, you could, at the very least, they'd give you a free airline ticket. And when I say back in the day, I mean like 2005, 2006, now they don't give a shit. They just keep apologizing profusely.

This is the dumbass letter they sent back to me. I'm only going to read you part of it, because they just keep saying the same thing over and over again. Okay. I'm going to get the hiccups. I think I have sugar hiccups. I'm starving down two cupcakes. Hang on a second.

Hello? Yeah, I'm going to check out about like 15 minutes, okay? Thank you. Jesus, I didn't say anything. He said, hello? I said, yeah, I'm going to check out 15 minutes, at which point she could have said, okay,

or au de la, you know? But no, she just closes the door. All right. Okay, here's the fucking au de la we got here. This is the letter that American Airlines sent me. Okay, dear Mr. Burr, thank you for contacting

American Airlines. It's our privilege to respond to your message. Okay, first of all, yeah, they already pissed me off. Okay, don't start with off with your fucking stock line. Like your Jackie Gleason, you know?

Thank you for writing us. And away we go, you know, a little Shevin off the buffalo. Okay, I'm very sorry to hear of your disappointment with us and regret that you did not receive your preferred entree when you traveled with us in the first class cabin.

See how soulless this is? You know, we're treating premium cabins to be truly something special. We do our best to cater our entrees to elections so that we can serve each customer the entree they prefer. This is the part which is just

complete bullshit, okay? They want to make sure that they serve the entree that I prefer. You know, you know how you can do that? Bring enough fucking eggs on the flight. This is what they write. To do so, we determine which entrees and provision accordingly.

That's such fucking bullshit. I mean, didn't they watch Jurassic Park when Jeff Goldblum did his little rant about chaos theory? You think you take 10 flights or 100 flights and you figure out, oh, you know, seven people want the omelette

and then, you know, nine people want something else. It's such bullshit. First of all, nobody wants cereal. No one wants cereal in first class, okay? You fucking drop $1,500 or whatever the hell it is. $850 on ticket. You want something of

substance. I'm sick of bitching about this. All I know is in the end of it, I end up flying fucking in middle seat the fucking Dallas and all I got was $150 voucher, which will pay for one third. They didn't give me anything. Mr. Burrow, we are not unmindful

of the inconvenience of you. Well, how the fuck would you be unmindful? I wrote you a goddamn letter. As hard as we are trying to deliver on respecting your time by operating our flights as scheduled, it just wasn't possible this time. Again, we apologize for the disruption

of your travel plans. We're not giving you shit. Please fly with us again soon. We'll do our best to get you to your destination as planned. Really? You're going to do your best. Gee, you know, we're going to try.

That's a comforting attitude to have when they're going to be flying the fucking 36,000 feet off the goddamn ground. Oh, do I sound like a cunt this week? That's basically it. That's the next level that they've taken it to, where it used

to be like, okay, we fuck you over and the stewardess gives you a hand job. You know, that was 1975. In the 80s, it was, you know, we'll give you a free ticket and a skinny Michael J. Fox tie. Those things, you know, and you had

the little spiked out mullet. They had LASA for a good 20 years. Somewhere in the last four or five years it became, we're going to fuck you over and back. Go fuck yourself. What do you think about that? Go fuck yourself. It was 299 other people

on the plane that didn't complain. What are you going to do? Take the train? It's going to take you nine days to go back to New York. Go fuck yourself. You know you're coming back. It's just eggs. Get over yourself. You know what? They got me over a goddamn barrel.

Son of bitches. What am I going to do? Flight ATA? You know, me and a fucking, I don't know what, in a goddamn chicken. Actually, I think ATA recently went out of business. You have a flying airline and then, you know, you're like, eh, you know, it's kind of a weird flight.

You know, there was a crack in the inner window. Actually, that happened to me on ATA. One of the windows. You know, they got, like, they got the double pane of glass. They got the one on the outside, the outside of the plane, and then they have the one on the inside, the extra level one.

And that one was cracked. And I believe there was a little bit of water in there. And I said to the stewardess, I was like, woman, there's a fucking crack in the goddamn window over here. I'm afraid I'm going to get sucked out once we get above 6,000 feet. She's just like, ah, it's okay.

It's still in the glass. You know, so I didn't feel bad when they went out of business. Now I kind of feel bad because now there's no other option. I guess that's my other option. You know, I sit there and I take it on American Airlines and they go, go fuck yourself. All right? We're going to give you a brand muffin.

I hope you brought some water. Or I fly another airline window. The inner window is cracked, but no one thinks it's a concern. The inner window is cracked. Well, that's why we got two of them. All right. This podcast is just a clusterfuck.

Let's get to some podcast questions that I didn't even, I didn't even have the time to fucking look at this week. Actually, that's not true. I went to look at them and somebody, I don't know what's going on with my MySpace page. I don't know if anybody else has had this problem, but I ended up being able to really add anybody

for about a year. Well, every couple of days I'll get about 45 requests. I'll accept them. And then a day later, I have 47 people taking off my page. And it's like, really? Were all those people spammers? I don't know what's going on.

So I'm having somebody look at it in my account. The only question I can remember, I can't even remember was something about fucking, you know, what movies do I find scary? Well, you know what? If you turned my flight on American Airlines

into a movie, I would have found that fucking scary. What movies do I find scary? Anything that involves a crazy woman. I think the scariest movie is when I first got Cable in the early 80s when I had tight jeans

and pony high tops that just met the bottom of my jeans and no one complained because somehow you could get away with that back then. I remember the first Friday the 13th when Jason came up out of the lake.

That scared the shit out of me. And there was another one. Here's one for you. Okay, I got a podcast question for you guys. There was a movie I saw Late Night Cable. And I can't remember

what the fuck it was. But if somehow there was somebody skating across a pond in slow motion with an axe and I believe for some reason the monster I'm

picturing is from that I know this isn't it but the picture of my mind is what is that monster book? Where the wild things are. Remember what those monsters look like? In my memory, that's what the monster looked like skating across the fucking lake.

And I know it isn't that. But I know somebody. What are my 14 listeners out there have to be a fucking horror horror film whatever the fuck. What do you call someone who's really in a horror film? A geek. Yeah, exactly.

A horror film fucking geek. There was that one and there was another one I was just thinking of and I just sat up and I can't remember it. I'm getting to that fucking age. The thought just went away. Wait a second. What the fuck was I just thinking?

Let me lay back down. Let me see if it'll come back to me. Okay, I was talking about... Okay, we gotta go back in time. The lake, the wild things are... See, this is how my brain works. It works linear. Once I go past the moment I can't go back.

It's like a fucking traffic jam. What the fuck was I trying to think of? Ah, shit. I don't know. Oh, I got it. Bam. There we go. Dark Knight of the Scarecrow. I like the old horror movies. Okay, this is what...

You know what I don't like about new horror movies? With that CGI shit they can do so much insane stuff with computers that they forgot how to build suspense. The old ones, they used to build it up.

They used to build up the moment where the monster was going to jump out at you because they had to because it was just a guy in a rubber fucking suit. You know what I mean? But now that they can make it look like Godzilla is stepping on New York

they forgot how to build suspense. That's what I don't like about fucking horror movies now. I think Japanese... I don't know. Everybody over in Asia seems to know how to fucking do that, but nobody over here does. Even like thrillers.

Whatever the fuck... Whatever a goddamn thriller is. Take that movie, a perfect storm. They had that goddamn big wave. That's all they showed in the trailer so everybody goes out to run out and see it. And then they don't develop

any of the goddamn characters to the point that I don't give a fuck about anybody in the movie. So by the end of the movie I'm actually praying for the wave. I can't wait for them to kill George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg and all those other guys

because I don't give a fuck about their characters because if they haven't done anything to make me give a fuck. They just had a couple people speak in Boston accent and you stick them on a tugboat and I'm supposed to give a shit that they're gonna die trying to get lop stuff. I'm just in a bad mood.

I'm in a bad fucking mood today. You know what it is? It's a goddamn... Don't ever start your day with two fucking cupcakes. It seems like such a great idea. You know, like, oh, I'm eight years old. This is what you'd want to do, but your parents never let you. And now I'm 39 and 51 weeks.

And finally, the dream that I thought was gonna happen... You know, oh, it did happen and it just doesn't play out right. Oh, my God, how did I forget this shit? I know I forgot it because I have fucking two cupcakes worth of sugar in my brain. I actually had a crazy week.

How crazy was it, Bill? I flew into New York on Wednesday. I did Opie and Anthony... Opie and Anthony's show Thursday morning. Then I did my show at Caroline's in New York Thursday night. I got up Friday morning, got on a plane, flew back to LA. I did the Guy's Choice Awards on Spike TV. I met all these famous people.

They were all cool. I had a great time. I met Nikki Sixx. I was way more thrilled. And the after-party was at the fucking Playboy mansion. And I know what you're thinking. Oh, my God, Playboy fucking mansion. That must have been unbelievable. I quickly realized when I got there,

there's two kinds of parties at the Playboy mansion. There's the You're Famous, and you can come by Wednesday afternoon and actually meet the broads that are in the magazine. And then there's the one that I went to where it's like, yeah, why don't you guys all just stand in my backyard? I literally thought I was going to show up to the mansion. It was going to be like me and eight other people.

And just, you know, four Playboy bunnies each, just rubbing on my chest. Hey there, big boy. I heard you're a comedian. Now, they just had... They had the... It was definitely the B team of Playboy bunnies. You know, they had little bunny suits on in the rabbit ears.

Let me tell you something. They were grade A hooter girls. And you could tell there was three of them who were clearly being paid to frolic in the pool. And any girl with bunny ears had like nine guys around her. It was a fucking sausage fest. And this is a funny thing. Nobody was hitting on them.

They were standing there with their fucking cameras out, taking pictures. Like they were at Disneyland, and they ran into Donald Duck or something. It was pathetic. And, you know, Hugh Hefner was roped off with his three fucking girlfriends, three years old man.

God, it was the shit. That was the only thing I wanted to do. I just wanted to go in there and shake his hand, and then immediately stick my hand in bleach to get the unbelievable smell of 50 years of pussy off of my hand, and then fly back. But he was busy, I understand.

He had to meet famous fucking people, but still it was shit. And then I flew back the next day, six in the fucking morning. I was in New York at about 4.30. I got my bag, I went over to Caroline's, and I did three fucking shows. You know?

And then I went out drinking afterwards. And that's the kind of thing that leads you to be in a country mood on a Tuesday morning. You know? I did all of that, and then I ate two cupcakes. All right? So I don't even question my fucking mood. All right.

So there you go. That was my week. What is it going to be at, you ask? Why I'll tell you. It's going to be on June 22nd. And I had a great time doing the set, even though most of the crowd was a pay crowd. You know?

Good-looking people, hot chicks texting each other. Oh, my God, when is this going to be over? This is ridiculous. I want to blow Jeremy Pippin. It's going to be on June 22nd. And this week, coming up this week, I'm going to be at Good Nights Comedy Club in Raleigh, North Carolina.

You can go to billburne.com and get all the fucking information. And later on this month, I'm going to be at the punchline in Atlanta. Hot Lanna is the brother to call it. And I think that date is June 19th or something like that. I don't fucking know. I can't get on this hotel internet. And I have to check out 19 fucking minutes.

So I got to go apologize for the podcast being a day late. And forgive my countenance on this podcast. I'm going to blame it on the sugar from the two cupcakes. What a fucking half a fag, huh? Starts the day with two cupcakes. So they call me Billy Two Cupcakes, Billy Cupcake. All right, you guys have a good week. Please keep the podcast questions coming.

Sorry about this week, man. I don't know what's going on with my fucking page, but please keep them coming and let people know about my podcast. Everybody came onto my shows in May, in Philadelphia, Chicago, and New York City. All right, you guys all have a good week. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Hey, dude.

Don't lean on me, man. Because I'm losing my doubt, child. And I can't understand. I know. Hey, dude. Well, I'll do what I can. But you'll treat me like a woman. And I'll be like a man.

I was cropped in the city one day. Everybody was flashing by me. Like images of children of stone. Images of children of stone. On a Friday night, I seen everybody looking for that little feather, honey. Do you really hate the funny? Do you really hate the funny?

Well, if it feels like summer, you're catching the sun. And I'll wait for the evening to fall. Well, if it tastes like honey, don't swallow it all. Don't wait for the moment to come. Catch the sun. Hey, dude.

Don't lean on me, man. Because I'm losing my doubt, child. And I can't understand. I know. Hey, dude. Well, I'll do what I can. But you'll treat me like a woman. And I'll be like a man.

And I can't understand. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't understand. But I'll be like a man. Catch the sun. Catch the sun. Hey, dude. Don't lean on me, man.

Because I'm losing my direction. And I can't understand. I know. Hey, dude. Well, I'll do what I can. But you'll treat me like a woman. And I'll be like a man. Hey, dude.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, dude. Well, I'll do what I can. But you'll treat me like a woman. When I feel like a man. Oh, yeah.