Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-2-22

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

Bill rambles about contemporary excuses, the finals, and disposable people.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And this is my fifth attempt. I'm gonna sit 15th to exaggerate, but it's really my fifth attempt to do this fucking podcast. And I could effortlessly, effortlessly just talk about what the fuck just happened to me. But I'm in a different place in my fucking life right now. So I can't do it. I'm gonna fucking tell you the story one of these days. Oh my God, I just have to wait till enough fucking time goes by. And I will tell the story, and I will tell it, and no one's gonna fucking know. It's one of the disadvantages of one of the few disadvantages of doing what I do for a fucking living is

you can't fucking experience something that sucked. And then that night, go on your podcast and say that it sucked in a vague way because people will know what the fuck someone will figure out, you know, I fucking some second walking, they figure out what the fuck you're talking. I don't want to bring any fucking grief to somebody, but Jesus Christ, Jesus fucking Christ. I know it. Can that be any more vague? Anyway, anyway, I don't like, like this is going to hang over my fucking head for this whole fucking episode. But anyway, the NBA finals finals start tomorrow. It's the Stanley Cup final. But if you say it's the Stanley Cup finals, there's always some douche from Canada that's got to be like,

it's the Stanley Cup final. There's only one of them. Well, explain that to the fucking NBA, somebody please explain to me the NBA. And I'm going to sit there. I'm going to watch the NBA finals plural. I believe I'm going to watch it on mute because I I'm just under a lot of stress right now trying to get my fucking this thing fucking edited. And the last thing I need is to watch these stupid ass fucking referees dictate in the goddamn pace, you know, and doing everything they can to make sure it goes seven and all of that shit, everything that anybody with half a fucking brain knows that they're doing. You know what I mean? Just keep it competitive, keep the game close. And then we'll let it

we'll let them play at the fucking end. And then, you know, who gives a fuck who wins if it's fucking close? That's great. Who cares if we fuck somebody out? I know. I just, you know, but it's, you know, it's a Boston team. So I have to I have to sit there and watch it. My left foot is literally twitching right now. You know, this is how much I hate the fucking NBA. That as much as I was excited that the Celtics were going to the finals, my next thought was, fuck, now I have to watch it. Okay, and I got to watch these fucking idiots every time somebody takes a three-pointer sticking their fucking three fingers up in the air. Why are they doing that? You know why they're doing that? For the worst fucking

reason an adult could ever do something because everybody else is doing it. What are you fucking five years old? You stupid fucking cunt. Put your fucking hand down. You know, when a fucking adult's going to boo all of the horseshit that goes on, the second there's a stop at your plate. Like I don't fucking get it. Like you're watching some of the greatest athletes on the fucking planet. Isn't that enough? You know, it's got to turn into the Barnum Bailey fucking circus, a bunch of tumblers going out there. And like, I don't need a fucking DJ to fucking teach me how to fucking cheer or turn it into like a dance party. I'm at a basketball game. You don't need a fucking multitask here. Everybody clapped

their hands. Every five fucking seconds. How about I clap my hands when I'm watching the fucking game? What am I clapping my hands about? This has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the fuck happening to me tonight. And I got to get it off my chest. I don't want to. You know, it's my wife's birthday week. So I'm going to be like in a good mood. But I was I was sitting there. You know, when you've just had it and the person you with knows you've had it, right? But you don't say you had it. People ask you if you're all right. You're like, I'm fine. I'm fine. Right. And you just sitting there and you're not looking at anybody and your eyebrows are up, you know, you're just fucking staring

at nothing really. And you're just counting down the seconds, how much longer you're going to have to be in this fucking place that you don't want to be in and people are coming up to you. It's everything. All right. Yeah, I'm fine. Okay. Because you don't look fine. Why don't you take the hint then? Why don't you take the fucking hint? Obviously, I'm not fucking fine. Then why are you saying you're fine? Because I'm being a gentleman. All right. And you don't give a fuck that I'm not fine. You're just fucking curious because your life is so fucking boring. So you have something to talk about. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Oh, Jesus, Mary and fucking Joseph. You know, I went somewhere the other fucking day. And I couldn't

finish my food. And I asked if they could put it in like a box or whatever. And the woman came back and she just handed me the box. I'm looking at her. She goes, sorry, I can't put that in there because of COVID. It's like, what are you going to wipe your nose with your fucking hands? I mean, I got one of the most brilliant fucking excuses now is it's because of COVID. Check into a hotel. Yeah, hey, there's no blankets on on on the on the bed. Yeah, yeah, we can't the linen with with COVID. What am I supposed to do? Did you bring a jacket? Is the room still going to be the same amount of money? Well, you know, actually, it's extra because we have to, you know, allegedly fumigate. You know, we buy a can of

Lysol for fucking $30, whatever their price gouging. And then we just and then we charge you 85 on your bill. That's yeah, that's what we do. All right, let's let's talk about something positive. I met a blonde female that I've become really good friends with. She's beautiful, has big brown eyes and four legs. You know, once a day, me and my my co-writer, you know, you're editing a movie and at some point you just have to take a walk. So we go for this walk and we went down this this little alleyway and there's there's horses down there and there's this blonde horse, whatever you call it, looking like trigger, right? And I've become friends with it. Like I walk by now and it like

stomps its foot away and comes walking up to the thing. I rub it on its head and the muzzle and all that and it just like makes my day. Fucking love horses. I swear to God someday, you know, it's a classic old man. Someday I'm gonna have a horse. I would love to have a horse and never ride it. You know, one of these horses that's been ridden its whole life and when I buy it, right, I just walk up to it. I take the saddle off and I walk to the front of it and I'm like, hey, horsey, you see this? I just fucking fling it. It's over. All right, you with me now. You just fucking run around and have a good time. Come back to the barn. I'll feed you. Wash. I'll keep you nice and but this whole bullshit of somebody riding on your back. That's over.

You put your time in. You put your time in. I like horses. I don't understand their purpose though. You know, with their teeth, they obviously pray like wild horses couldn't drag me away. Like for as much as it sucks that they're broken, you know what I mean? They break them. I ain't nothing better than feeling that horse quit. Um, the alternative, walking around the wilderness and I would imagine they run down by packs of wolves or like a fucking grizzly bear, some shit back in the day. It's kind of a strange animal. I guess they're all fucking weird. Think of that whole family. Like deer, you understand, because they're kind of like

decent to look at. Like moose, you know, elk is like sort of the jock older brother of deer or venison. You know what I mean? Like even a beautiful buck, you know, it's still like a pretty boy. You know, one of those, you know, he goes to the gym, but he's never really had a fight, you know? But elk, you know, elk's got something, elk's got some issues. That fucking moth just flying around, flying around my fucking room. What a weird existence. You guys believe in reincarnation? You ever think you could come back? Let's, let's get back to that. And then you get the moose, right? Just basically, I mean, I don't know what those, I don't even understand what those things are. What I don't understand is how a bear can kill a moose or why a moose doesn't put up a better fight.

The big problem, you know, the biggest problem with prey is, is they run. You know, there's always way more of them. I love when, you know, the ones that I really like is those, those, one of those Cape Buffalo or whatever in Africa. Be once in a while, they get really fucking pissed off and they take the fight to the lions and the lions turn around and run away. It's like, that's what you, there you go, it's what you do. That's what you do. Nah, you got a victory. What do they do the next day? They start running away. I don't understand why the fuck they're, the size of those things. And anytime they take a step towards those lions, the lions

fuck it run away. By the way, when did the lion sort of become like the animal when, you know, when you're one of those bullshit, bullshit fucking self-help people on Instagram? And they're sitting there going like, you know, some people, you know, came to play the game. I came to fuck it in the ass and whatever they say. So I'm like, that's that, that vague shit talk. You know what I mean? Like, you don't even know what the, what business are you in? How are you applying this? And they always say, and there's always some fucking lion like walking around. There's another comedian. We always joke about that shit. We're always sending those things to each other. And at some point, whenever this fucking bullshit stops, you get together, we're

going to just do a whole fucking episode dedicated to this fake fucking bullshit self-help. Just people making up shit. You know, actually, when you're really watching, you get to see the, I don't know, just the responses it gets. It's just like, wow, there's just a lot of fucking unhappy people out there, which I know is funny to hear from me after the way I've been behaving on this podcast, but believe it or not, like, I'm not like, you know, I like my life. There's just certain things that went when the shit that happened to me tonight, it's just fucking, I don't even know. I don't know, just beyond disrespectful. Like you're charging money for this fucking shit. Anyway,

I don't fucking get over that shit at some point. Anyway, so the NBA finals start tomorrow. Here's my prediction. If you want to hear from a guy who never even played fucking organized basketball in his life at any level, this is going to seem obvious, but my thing is I feel like game one is the most important game of this series for the Celtics, not for the Warriors, for the Celtics, it is. I feel like we have to go out. I'm assuming we're playing in their building. We have to win game one and we have to prove to ourselves and to a lot of people that we can beat this fucking team, which I know we can, but I really feel like the Warriors because of their talent level and how many times they've been there in recent times and the fact that there's so many

champions on that team and they know how to win that you could easily get steamrolled by this fucking team. So I think it's really important that we go out, we win game one, guys on our team feel good and you get the Warriors thinking like, oh shit, these guys are better than we thought. That's a good place to have your opponent thinking. Oh shit, that's what the fuck you want as opposed to doing the Ric Flair fucking, the Ric Flair strut down the goddamn court after you hit your 90 or three point. I mean, Steph Curry is, I don't know, I don't know much about who, but as far as I can remember, he might be the greatest outside shooter I've ever fucking seen. You know, honorable mention Andrew Tony, obviously Larry Bird, and I would say Kobe Bryant as far as,

I don't think I ever saw anybody beyond the three point line with two people fucking hanging all over them and the thing just went in. That's fucking amazing. So definitely have our work cut out for us and I'm excited about how young the Celtics are and that they are in the finals. I just hate the officiating in the NBA. It's like, can you just fuck off and let the game happen? You know, I don't know, it's a really weird sport, man. It's a really, really fucking weird sport. So anyway, and they've had corruption problems, I think, for a long fucking time and they blamed it on one guy. There we go. And with that, enjoy the finals. Sorry. Anyway, I've been following this guy on Instagram. Let's just change the subject to something more

positive. All right. And if you actually like Elk and Moose, I, I'm sorry for my comments earlier. You know, maybe deer aren't that beautiful. Maybe that's, you know, society told me that they were beautiful and I don't think for myself. So then that's why I say that they're more beautiful than a fucking moose. I guess I don't fucking know. Fucking animals. I swear to God, you look at a moose and it's just like, what a waste of size. I can't even see some guy, you know. I hate when I see a guy that's like six, four and they can't jump. You're like, what the hell? What a fucking waste.

You should be out there dunking on people. Look at your painting. Decided to become a six, four artist. No one wants to see that. I'd look at like moose, mooses like that, right? I hate you, maces to pieces. I look at moose, moose in that way, right? Doing the Brian Regan bit here. What a fucking waste of size. These goddamn things, they should be out there in tandems, like the buddy system in scuba diving, and they should be hunting fucking bear. You know, why don't we make this our territory instead of just walking around like these antisocial cunts? Like they don't really walk around together, do they?

I don't know. I really have to be honest with you, man. Like I just feel like the whole way this shit is set up, you know, the amount of murder that just goes on every day from human beings all the way down to insects. Everything's out here just fucking, this is a really wild fucking place to live. Earth. Hey, can I talk to anybody? Like if you're in a bunker right now and you're one of those doomsday people or whatever, you're waiting for the dolly to collapse and you have your whole fucking thing set up and everybody makes fun of it, you know? But who's kidding who, you know? You're going to last at least an extra 48 hours than I am, depending on how many people you told about it.

Here's my question. Do I have a question that I completely forget? I started looking at that fucking moth. What if I open the door, will you just go out? I don't feel like fucking killing you too. I was talking about all the fucking murder that goes on. Yeah, I just, I just don't think that the whole, you know what, that fucking bullshit tonight just really just fucking threw me all off my game. I was going to be in such a good mood. I wasn't such a good mood. You know, I walk down the street every day. I get to take a stroll during the middle of the day. How fucking lucky am I, right? Not only do I get to do that, there's a fucking horse on the way and the thing's cool as shit. I've been doing it for like two, three days. Now it's excited when

it sees me. It does a little fucking stomp on the ground. Like, oh shit, freckles is here. Makes my take. Kills me. I can't feed it. The sign says don't feed it. So I'm like, all right, you know, not going to feed the fucking thing. But anyway, I don't know what else to talk about. I'm missing all the hockey playoffs. I heard the Avalanche Edmonton series is absolutely insane. I cannot wait to see who saw the fucking Rangers going to the Eastern Conference finals. The Rangers winning a game seven. I think the one back to back game seven is two series, right? Who knows, they got a hot gold tender. Got a couple other people. I don't know anybody anymore. I don't know what to tell you guys. I'm supposed to have some advertising. I don't know when that's coming

in, but I will read it when I'm supposed to. And through the magic of editing, you won't realize that I've taken a little time off here. But however, oh God, I cannot fucking wait. At some point, I'm going to tell that fucking story. What happened tonight? And it's just like, oh my God, the fucking kinds of people I was around tonight. I swear to fucking God, man, useless, useless, like disposable fucking people, just fucking useless. And there's just something about them. They win. I don't fucking get it. This is a dangerous thing to say. I just sometimes you see people, it's like those people that are doing well because they don't give a fuck. I don't mean like that being themselves. I mean, they literally don't

give a shit about their fellow fucking man. You know what I mean? There's no fucking guilt. You just keep plowing ahead and you don't give a fuck about the wreckage behind you. All right. And with that. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday. June 2nd, 2014. Oh my God, is it really June? Yes. Yes. Trisha fucking June comes after May, every goddamn year. That's right. The summertime is coming. You know, you should have started going on your fucking bikini diet back in February, but you didn't. You got all wrapped up in your life, didn't you? Well, it's not your fault, Trisha. Why did I pick Trisha? I don't know why.

You know what? Because I'm sick of saying Karen and Kathy. I'm going to fucking make fun of some other goddamn names and I'll have the audacity to do it even with a name like Bill. A nice generic fucking name. No imagination. You know, actually, I actually like my name. I don't know what happened somewhere along the lines about in the 90s. You know what I mean? Everybody started to have all these fucking, those names George Carlin made fun of, right? George Callan, you know, Dakota, and all those things, all those names that had to sound like a fucking canyon, right? Now all those people are coming of age and all of a sudden I saw my first, I don't know, I was watching some sport and they fucking over to fucking Dakota something. And I'm like, am I that

fucking old that somebody named Dakota is old enough to play a professional sport? Sorry. Anyways, I'm in a weird mood today. This podcast is actually late this week. I'll give you two because it's not even Monday morning. You're probably thinking, why, Bill? You're a fucking comedian. You're a bum. You don't even have a real job. How come you can't get your ass out of bed early enough to even record it on your Monday morning? Well, I'll tell you why. Last night, I took the lovely Nia out to the Hollywood Bowl and we saw Bruno fucking Mars with Pharrell or Pharrell. I don't know how to fucking say his name, Pharrell, the guy who, by watching his set evidently wrote 40% of all hits in the last 15 years. I was just standing there as he went in

from song to song going like, Jesus Christ, this guy, he wrote this song too. It's just him. I thought that other guy sang it and then my wife would be like, no, he produced it for a minute. What all these Grammys? He's kind of awesome. I know he kind of was. He was out there with his big smoky, the bear hat. This one was red, probably a special one because he's playing the Hollywood Bowl. That was a great thing about the show last night. You could tell that both him and Bruno Mars were really excited to be playing the Hollywood Bowl. It was great. They were just phenomenal fucking performers and the only thing the whole night I would say was Pharrell's backup dancers, they would dress like they were still at rehearsal. That's the only thing I didn't like. I'm sure obviously they did

it on purpose, but you ever watch one of those movies like Fame or I don't know, Bill and Ted's Big Adventure, one of those fucking movies from back in the 80s. The 80s on VH1. Who got it? Who didn't and who was surprised about the results? The 80s. What the fuck? There was a bunch of those movies. Michael Douglas, all of those movies when they would be in rehearsal and there'd be all these fucking smoking hot women dressed like they were going to paint their bedroom. That's how Pharrell's backup dancers were dressed last night. Other than that, I thought it was great. He sang all these fucking songs. I don't know. He sang that one with the guys who dress up like the robots. I'm up all night to get lucky. I'm up all night to get something. I'm up all night doing

blow. Everybody's going nuts and there's a disco ball. It was a great fucking time. Great fucking time. I'll take you through the whole goddamn concert. We're sitting there and I'm one of those people I never see. Nia can spot famous people all the fucking time. I never do. We're sitting there. We've got great seats and she hits me on the arm. She goes, oh my god, there's Henry Winkler and I look over and there he is, the fonts. Henry Winkler having a great time dancing to Pharrell. And then in between the break, she fucking elbows me again as like, oh, there's Tom Hanks. That's what I got. There he is, standing in the aisles. People are coming up to him and he's grabbing their phones and doing

a selfie for him. He looked like he was running for office. He stood there for like a half a fucking hour. Like, you know, my wife is going, look at that. He's like the greatest. He's the greatest guy ever. It's like, yeah, I guess that's how you have a 30 year career. You have a 30 year career by doing exactly the opposite of what I do. I can tell you this after watching that man stand there for a half an hour as gracious as you could possibly be with anyone and everyone who walked up to him. I can honestly tell you without a doubt that Tom Hanks does not have one drop of cunt in him. He's just a fucking great guy. I already liked him and then I watched that. I'm like, Jesus Christ, you know, I need to work on myself. This guy is putting on a goddamn

good shit clinic here at the Hollywood Bowl. So, uh, so now I'm like, Jesus Christ, there's all these fucking people here. And he is like, oh, there's Natalie Cole. There's this fucking Eddie Rabinowitz. I didn't even know half the fucking people she's pointing out. So I start looking around and I go, look at that guy over there with the Jackson Brown haircut. He turned around with Jackson Brown. He was not standing in the aisles. But does that make him a bad person? Maybe that's the cuntiness of Tom Hanks because he does that. Now you're expecting every other famous person to do it and then when they, when they don't do it, I bet all those famous people are just sitting there looking at Tom Hanks staring daggers at him

like, why won't he just sit the fuck down? He doesn't like doing that either. They're all fucking pissed. I mean, he's been out there for a half a fucking hour, you know, and then all of a sudden they all seem approachable. I like the handlers. There was a couple of handlers when they were down there to basically be a security person. What you have to do is you have to master the hand an inch away from the small of somebody's back. You just sort of leave it there. You know, I don't know when, if they got like a fucking inner earpiece that then says when they actually make contact with the lower back of the famous person to guide them through. But the thing is, when you're in the ready position as a security person, you have your hand in the small,

like an inch away, right? Like you're warming your hand on a fucking fire, except it's some famous person's lower back. This guy stood there the whole fucking time and every once in a while, he just sort of shift the person. It's incredible. I don't know how his fucking arm didn't get tired just holding it like that. You know, I bet he has to do stretches. So anyways, so Pharrell comes out. It's like broad daylight. He's got to perform then. I thought he did, you know, I don't know, just as a comedian performing outside and broad daylight. To me, that just says, oh my God, I'm going to bomb and I better get the check before I go out on stage. That's what I see. But he was, he was phenomenal. And then Bruno Mars came out and it was,

I don't know, dude, I called it. Nia told me that she's like, you called it. You saw this kid like whatever three, four fucking years ago, you saw him on something and you will, I did. I was like, this guy, he's old school. This is a song and dance man here. This is throwback. This dude can do anything. He's going to have a long career. The only thing stopping him is him. And he didn't stop himself and there he was. And he put on a fucking unbelievable show. His band was awesome. His drummer was fucking sick. He introduced him as his brother. I don't know. I don't know if he meant that in a cool way or we literally came from the same parents. I have no idea. But that guy was killer and then his band was fucking amazing. And what I liked about it was

that they were like, they were silly. They were having a good time and they were killing it. And there were moments during the show where they were fucking around trying to make each other laugh and shit. And I don't know, man, it was just, it was an amazing show. And I also, you know, with each concert, I'm getting older and older. And I really should have, you know, like when you see a performer on stage, you know, and they're just fucking old now. And everybody says like, Oh man, he should just stop. She should just quit, hang it up, you know, put a couple of shirts on if you're going to go out there. Jesus Christ, at least hit a fucking treadmill or whatever they say, you know, we should just stop. You know, I think that that goes with audience members too.

Because I got to tell you last night, I can't even tell you how many times I had to sit down because just literally standing up for too long, my lower back starts killing me. And I remember sitting down at one point as Bruno Mars is on the stage and he's fucking sitting there going, you know, Hey, the fucking left side, the right side now down the center. And I'm just saying, this guy sees me sitting down, you know, I don't want somebody on stage seeing me sitting down thinking I'm sitting down, you know, because I'm not appreciating what they're doing. I almost wish I had like a neon sign that said it's not your fault. It's me. I'm fucking old. And I was literally sitting there laughing as I'm drinking a water, you know, like I was actually exercising

rather than just trying to stand up for longer than 12 minutes. And I sat down and I really thought about it. I was like, is it am I too old to go to a concert? I think I need to retire. You know, because I'm getting to those scary years when you're older and you go to a concert and you just feel the need to put on a, I'm going to a rock show t-shirt. You know what those older white guys do? And they'll put on one of those fucking Justin Timberlake hats and you're wearing a t-shirt, which, you know, unless you kept yourself in shape, you should never be out of the house with a fucking t-shirt on, you know, with your fucking man boobs, you know, looking like bee cups just sitting there. And then you have some sort of bedazzlement on your t-shirt to let people

know that you still can rock, you know, and you show up with those fucking jeans that just say, I saw a fucking Molly hatchet back in 82 or whatever the fucking guy's name is, right? Like you just, I just don't want to be that guy. And I'm not going to lie to you. I saw a lot of that last night, which is just a testament to both of those guys, how talented they are, because it really was everything from little kids, little kids to me, like 14, 15, all the way up to like, I don't know, old Henry Winkler, like 70. But anyways, and it was funny, there was a guy sitting in front of us, this old dude who was well into his 60s, I think, and he was part of that last of that generation, you know, those older guys from that generation that just always walk

around with that Navy captains hat on, you know, some of them was because they were in the Navy, the rest of them, I don't know why they wear it, but they just, maybe they have a boat, they just walk around with that fucking Navy hat on. He was of that age. And what was killing me was I'm sitting there going, you know what, I'm closer in age to the fucking Navy hat guy than, you know, the fucking 20 somethings here, whatever. Anyways, it was a fucking great show. And so that's why the podcast was late. So you probably think like, wait a minute, Bill, that show probably started at seven o'clock, meaning you probably left your house around six, game seven, Chicago LA Kings, that was at five o'clock. Would you watch the first period and leave? No,

I taped the game. Listen to this shit. This is how great it is to be a hockey fan out in LA. I taped game seven of the Western Conference Finals involving the Los Angeles Kings and the Black Hawks of Chicago. I go to the Hollywood Bowl. There's like, well, I don't know how many people is that place hold 10, 15,000. I don't fucking know. And I didn't have to worry about anybody shouting out, going, Hey, it's two to one, two to one, five minutes and ruining it for me. All I did it with all I had to do is shut up my phone so no one would send me a text. And I went to the concert. I came home. I watched the first period. And by that point, it was like one in the morning. And I was fucking tired of shit. So I went to bed.

And then I woke up this morning. And I just watched the rest of it this morning. And like an asshole, I didn't add time to it. I don't know why I always add time. This is one time I didn't. I just hit record and I left. So I didn't have the overtime. It looks like he scored about six. Alec Martinez scored six minutes into the overtime. My condolences to all Blackhawk fans. Congratulations to all Kings fans. And not to use the cliche, but I'm going to, I'm going to use it. There really are no losers in a city like course, there is a series like this, of course, there is, um, you know, because when you lose, it sucks. But I got to tell you, man, like if the NHL ever decided to put all seven games of that series

on a DVD, I would be one of the first people to buy it because it was, uh, it was that good top shelf level hockey and all you fucking cunts who watch hockey, you know, you watch the gold medal game, you know, once every four years, you watch one fucking game. Just imagine seven of those that level of intensity, except even more, because it's actually for a real trophy. Okay, they're not playing for a fucking necklace, you know, with some BG's medallion hanging off of it. They're playing for the fucking Stanley Cup. That's what they all want to win. They would never say it. You can't say that in public. What would you rather do when the gold medal game for your country? Or would you rather win the fucking chalice that they're going to put your

name on? It's a no brainer. F my country, I'm going to Nashville and I'm going to try to win the cup, right? At least that's what I would think. Um, because I fuck about winning a gold medal. You know, unless you're like your cross country ski with that rifle, I mean, there's no way to go pro in that. So that that's your cup. You got to do it. But if you're actually a professional athlete, right, you got a Maserati sitting in your fucking garage, you know, you got some hearty jumping on your fucking dick every night. Do you really? I mean, I got fucking gold necklace. I go buy one, but you can't buy a Stanley Cup. I'll show you can make one out of cardboard and tin foil and stand in the crowd. Wearing a jersey,

looking like some giant fucking make a wish kid, right? Now let's start with these people play for this fucking series was amazing. If you get a chance, I don't know if NHL.com is going to, uh, is going to, I mean, I don't know. They have the highlights, but they, they usually, I don't know how you do it. I remember back in the day when I used, when I used to live in Boston, what was cool over the summertime was Nessin, the Nessin network over the summertime. They used to have these, these things called, uh, a summer cooler. And over the summer, they would play like the best Bruins games of the year. So the Bruins would always win the game. It'd be some dramatic victory. And there'd be like a, you know, bench clearing brawler

or a big fight or something like that. It was great. The summer coolest. So I don't know if they're going to show it, but whatever. Um, I got to tell you, and somewhere along the lines, you know, I was rooting for the Kings, even though I still love Chicago, I rooted for the Kings because they were the underdogs. And, uh, but then I was also going, man, Chicago, Rangers, two original six. I mean, when was the last time they met each other in the playoffs? I mean, the finals, I'm trying never in my lifetime as far as I know, 70s were a little weird. Well, see the Rangers got to the finals in 79 and they played the Canadians. And I don't think they got in the rest of the time. 76 was the fucking

fliers lost to Canadians. 77 or 78, one of those was the Bruins too many men on the ice game when Gila floor the fucking flower scored on the weakest fucking wrist shot you ever saw. And we, nobody knew to go down on the butterfly. So over the fuck we had was standing up a neck and he did like a little fucking flail that it with this fucking pad. Um, anyways, let me just continue on. Oh, by the way, I remember a long time ago, I gave a lot of today's hockey players shit because most of them hadn't even scored 50 goals. And then I listened to Dan practice. I recorded it because he had Wayne Gretzky on the great one. And I actually listened to it and Gretzky said that he would have a, he would have problems

scoring 50 goals, how good and how big the players are now and how great the defenses are. So I will shut the fuck up about that immediately. Um, but anyways, yeah, so I started rooting for the Kings. You know, I've just liked that team for a number of years. I just like how they play and everything. And I just watched a bunch of games and I somehow became a fan and I was sitting out there this morning watching the rest of the game and somebody on the Kings took a shot. And I like when like, oh, I freaked out because he just missed it. Then they scored a goal and I flipped out and then Nia just looked at me and she just went shame on you. What did you abandon the Boston Bruins and just put me in this defensive moment?

No, I didn't abandon them. It was just out, you know, my fan of hockey. I'm rooting for the Kings. She goes, how can you as a fan of any Boston team root for a fucking LA team? And I was like, I know you're right. You're right. I don't know how it happened. You know, I actually was a fan of the Los Angeles Dodgers in the late seventies before the Lakers Celtics thing heated up in the eighties. And that was just because I hated the Yankees. We could never beat them. And there was the Bucky Dent game. So in 77 and 78, the Dodgers played the fucking Yankees. So I'm not rooting for the Yankees. So I would really root for the Dodgers. And I became a Dodgers fan. I love Tommy LaSorta right through when they beat the Yankees in 81, Fernando Valenzuela,

when they beat the A's Kurt Gibson hobbling around, fucking pumping his fist, all of that shit. I was a Dodgers fan. And then then I moved out here and I went to a Dodgers game, you know, when I saw how cunty their fucking fans are, they don't show up late. They got a knife to your throat. I mean, I'm exaggerating, but not really kind of has like a little sort of biker rally vibe. Yeah, I told you, it's just I mean, King's fans are more mellow, though, but it's just not it's I don't know what it is about from fucking San Francisco on down out here on the West Coast. These people take it way too seriously. If you have the Jersey of another team, I mean, it's bad enough when you do that in other parts of the country. But this is the last fucking place.

I would come wearing the Jersey of the opposite team. There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way. I like where my nose is on my face. I like my teeth. I like my brain unswollen. You know, I like not having little extra breathing holes throughout my chest. I mean, call me crazy. Call me a pussy. I mean, that's just just just how I am. You know, I'm in one time from some fucking celebrity, you know, one of those those tough celebrities, you know, they get movies and they play enough tough guys that they start to think that they know how to fight and save the world was talking about wearing another team's Jersey to a Laker game. They're like, aren't you worried about blah, blah, blah? And he's like worried

about what? Like he says, badass. It's like, fuck you with your courtside seats, you know, walking in and out of the celebrity entrance into your fucking town car. Go wear that in the upper deck. All right, let's see if you live long enough to do this sequel to I am cuntface part two, right? All right, well, Jesus, Bill, you're in a mood. I am. I'm a little tired and I ate bad already today. Oh my God, I ate so bad. Do you know, last week, I got to mention this before I before I do in the advertising was fucking hilarious. I didn't even realize I said it. I was talking about something I said, I've got him such a Gemini. I have never taken I don't that might have been the most shit I ever took for anything that I said on the podcast. I must have

got like, I don't know, like 30 or 40. I retweeted a couple. They whoever wrote those, you guys had me die and laughing. Just, you know, like when you say something, and you don't even realize how fucking effeminate it is until somebody brings it up. And then it's just so bad. And the jokes are so good. You can't do anything but laugh. I was really sitting by myself. And the first one came in and this I think that was the one I retweeted. Somebody wrote, you know, I really had you. I don't know something about the level of respect they had for me, you know, was at a high level. And then it all went out the window. The second I said, I'm such a Gemini. And then I got like, and I was just like, oh, fuck, did I say that? And I kind of started laughing. So I retweeted that one. And

then I kind of scrolled down and there was like 10 other ones. And each one was just more and more brutal. So whatever, that's a shout out to whoever fucking wrote those things. Because you guys gave me a great laugh this week. So, so what, why, why, why not just continue setting myself up to get trashed here? You know what I did this morning? You know why the podcast is late? Because this morning I was making homemade cupcakes. I swear to God, frosting and all that shit. I was frosting cupcakes when I was watching the end of a game seven NHL game, the toughest man sport, arguably out there. I was frosting cupcakes. And you know what? I stand by it. I don't give a fuck how much shit you guys give me on Twitter,

because I know you got it, because it's fun. But you know, what do you want from me? It's my wife's birthday today. One of her favorite things in the world is she likes cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But out here, they usually have the chocolate frosting with the chocolate cake. She likes the yellow cake with the chocolate frosting, myself included. All right? Insert interracial couple joke there. So, you know, I was, I was sick of driving around trying to find them at fucking, you know, every goddamn bakery out here. I said, fucking, I'll make some. Went out and bought a couple of trays. You know what? Let me tell you something about people who make cupcakes. Okay, fuck them. It's not that hard. It's not that hard. I actually took out my KitchenAid.

It's the second time I used it. One time I used it for fucking, look at all this product placement, NHL.com KitchenAid. I should start getting paid for this shit. So, I fucking, I took that thing out for the first time a couple months ago when I made some homemade pasta. And this is the first time I used it when I was actually baking. It's the shit. It's like having an assistant that you don't have to fucking pay ever. Things over in the corner just doing the shit you don't want to do, stirring it up as you're doing some other bullshit. I got to tell you something, dead delicious. And everybody who wanted the, wants to give me shit, I'm going to tell you right now, if I shove one down your pie hole, you'd have to say, God damn it, Bill,

that's a good cupcake. I got to give it up to you. I don't respect you anymore as a man. That's a good goddamn cupcake. So, hey, get into the Stanley Cup finals here. The Stanley Cup finals. I picked Chicago to win it all. Wrong. I crushed the first round. You know, when the number one was playing the eighth seed, I called those all day after the fucking second round. I mean, into the second round, after the first round is what I'm trying to say. I've just been horrible. So, if I pick your team, you should be nervous. So, right now, Ranger fans and Kings fans supposed to be saying, if you believe in that mojo fucking voodoo shit, you should be telling

me to shut up. Well, you know what? I'm not going to. I thought the Canadians were going to beat the Rangers and I thought the, I thought Chicago was going to beat the Kings. Obviously, neither that happened, but I'll tell you who picked it perfectly was Joe Bartnick. Joe Bartnick said, Kings in seven games. The Kings won in seven games at Joe Bartnick. All right. You know, if you want to give a little tip of your cap, go to at Joe Bartnick on the Twitter on the Twitter app thing, whatever the fuck you call it. And I have a listen to Joe Bartnick has his own podcast. It's all hockey talk. It's called puck off and have a listen, whatever the guy, the guy really knows his shit and he's as big as fucking Cam Naly. So there you go.

Anyway, so who am I picking in the finals? I think I actually love both teams. How fucked up is that? I love a New York and an LA team. I don't love their fans, but I love their team and just watching both of them throughout the last series. I don't know how you can hate either one of them, but I got to go with the experience and I got to take the fucking LA Kings, you know, two great gold tenders. You know what? And I say bet the over in all of these games, because everyone's going to think Jonathan quick and fucking whatever the fuck his name is, suit wearing, Lundquist, Henri Henrik, whatever the fuck you call them. They think that there's

going to be low score and I don't think it's going to be. I think they're going to run into them. I think there's going to be a lot of goalie mass falling off, you know, and there's going to be some upset padded bearded gentlemen on both sides of the ice going what the fuck, you know? I just think it's going to be a great series and good luck to both of you. I'm watching every second of it. So this is your last series. If you're ever going to watch hockey, well, I make you watch it again in October, but you know, whatever, come on man, jump on the fucking bandwagon. Have a good time. All right. Okay, what else? Oh, let me do some advertising. Let me just knock these things out. Shall we? Where am I? Where the fuck is he advertising?

All right, there we go. All right. Note to host, please personalize areas highlighted in bold. You know, I really get isn't it isn't it's hard enough for me to read these fucking things. All right, Dollar Shave Club everybody. There are so many things that piss me off. You know what sticking my hand into the bowl like towards the end when I'm trying to frost a cupcake and the frosting gets on my knuckles and I have to lick it off just knowing that that's extra time I'm going to spend on the treadmill, you know, but then I'm happy that I am frosting a cupcake. So, you know, it's kind of I'm happy and sad, you know, I'm such a Gemini and paying way too much to shave my face is definitely up there. Nothing feels better

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upgraded to the smarter way to shave. Shave time, shave money. Join Dollar Shave Club. Join now at dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Support this podcast and a great company by going to dollarshaveclub.com slash burr one more time, dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's BURR. Also, if you want to support this podcast, you can go to the podcast page on billburr.com and click on the Amazon link and go shopping. Won't cost you any extra money and they'll kick me a little do-re-me there for sending you, sending traffic their way. All right. What's next? Stamps.com, everyone. Hey, when you think about the best time to go to the post office, you're probably guessing before work, after work, or during lunch, wrong. That's when it's the most crowded. Well, obviously, nobody's at work.

Are they talking down to us at stamps.com? I don't think I like this. Everyone's going at that time. The truth is, there's no convenient time to go to the post office. That's why you need stamps.com. Actually, in defense of them, that's the only time you can go if you have a job, right? With stamps.com, access all the services of the post office right from your own desk. Buy and print official US postage for any letter or package using your computer or your printer. Then just hand it over to the mail carrier. So easy. And unlike the post office, stamps.com is open 24-7 with no lines. So you can get your mailing and shipping done whenever it's convenient for you. I use stamps.com to send out all my posters, DVDs, whatever crap I'm selling at the end

of my shows. I am a moron and even I can figure out stamps.com. So if I can, so can you. How do we do it? Well, first of all, special offer right now. Use my name. My last name, B-U-R-R, for this special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com. Before you do anything else, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr, B-U-R-R, that's stamps.com, enter burr. All right. Oh, I almost forgot to thank everybody who came out to the improv in Arlington, Texas this week. I had a great time performing for you guys, getting ready to do my standup special, June 20th at the Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta. Tickets are on sale right now.

Both shows looking like they're going to sell out. So I want to thank everybody that spent your hard-earned cash to watch me go dance around and tell my jokes. On the 20th, I'm really looking forward to it and I had a great time in Dallas as always. Big fan of Texas and most of you who listen to my podcast know that I am a huge fan of the Discovery Channel show, Fast and Loud, the Gas Monkey Garage guys. So I'm like, I got to go over there. I got to go check this place out. And I went over to their garage. They got a gift shop over there with all these t-shirts and stuff. And, you know, fortunately enough, the owner, Richard, was nice enough. He was out of town. He had a few people over there. Take me around. And I just had a great time. I saw all the cars.

It was ridiculous. I came walking in the back. Total fucking fanboy, right? Actually nervous as I'm walking in there. I'm such a fan of the fucking show, right? And I come walking in the back and then it's like all these guys that I've seen on the show. And long story fucking short. Long story short. I got to, you know, I got to see all these cars, some of the cars that they're working on upcoming episodes. I'm not going to ruin anything that's coming up, but they're working on some of the coolest cars that they've had since the beginning of the episode. And then as I'm walking out in the parking lot and there's KC's, that Army Green F100 that he has, Frankenstein or whatever they call it. A lot of you guys who are fans of the show, watch them, you know, redo that truck.

And I guess since they did it, he put an even faster engine in it. Long story short, the guy over there, Jason, who was giving me the tour, who was really nice to me the whole weekend, he goes, hey, you want KC to give you a ride in that truck? And I'm like, man, I don't want to bug the guy. Of course I do, but I don't want to bug the guy. I don't want to be some fucking jerk off. I already met the guy. He didn't know who the fuck I was, right? So it's not like I could be like, hey, I'll give you one of my fucking stupid stand up DVDs. If you get, I had nothing. I was just another jackass walking in there. So he was cool as hell. He goes, yeah, I'll give you a ride. So we start driving around the block in the truck. He's talking to me about the truck and all that

type of shit. And we get on this straight away, right? Thank God they didn't film this. They wanted to film it, but they didn't have any batteries in their camera. They want to stick one on the windshield. Dude, it was the fastest fucking thing I've ever been in. He just lets out the clutch and it just, we start flying down the street. I can literally feel the back end just ever so subtly going left to right. Cause there's no weight in the back. And I'm, I felt like it was in a drag racer and I was trying so hard to not freak out and not be a pussy, but I'm not gonna lie to you. I had to put my, I put my foot up on the fucking dashboard cause there was no seat belts and I'm feeling this thing skating in the back. So we just go down

the street. I fucking face is contouring and then he slows down and I just go, Jesus fucking Christ. What are you trying to give me a heart attack? And he just, you know, his dead pan humor just sort of laughs and he goes, uh, yeah, that was second gear. Second gear. We're going like 70 miles an hour down this little ass fucking road. Cars parked on both sides. Um, it took, it literally took me about four hours to come down from probably the three seconds that we were driving that fast. But, uh, I got to do that. How cool is that? How cool are the people at Gas Monkey that they actually took time out of their day to let me do that? A huge fan of the show. I went over to their bar. They got their own restaurant over there. It's like the number two

live place to play music now in Texas already or in Dallas. They just passed house of blues. They're fucking crushing it over there. So, um, I don't know, if you get a chance, I, I, man, I asked all kinds of geeky fan questions to him. Try to remember some that won't ruin any episodes. They get like 400 emails a day because I asked him like, how do you guys find, how do you find all these fucking cars? I know Richard's always saying, I'm going to go on the interweb and blah, blah, blah. They get 400 emails a day of people with these cards that they want to sell. Either they don't want to handle them or the person who owned them passed away. And, um, man, you should see, I, I got a shut up because I don't

want to ruin any of it. So thank you to Richard wrongs for hooking me up over there. Casey for giving me the ride and, uh, Jason, um, and his lovely wife Linda giving me the tour and everything. I just had a great, great time and I can't wait for the next season. So, uh, if you don't watch it fast and loud on discovery, look at that. That was like a fucking 20 minute commercial form. Um, all right, let's, let's move on to the, uh, to the questions this week. Ever so slight, where are we at? 36 minutes in. Okay. Uh, solar panels. Last week I talked about, I was thinking about maybe getting solar panels off my house, off my house, on my house. And, uh, I don't know if I want to go off the grid, but whatever. I sit here baking in the sun in this

fucking house. I might as well get something out of it, right? All right. So here we go. Hi Bill. First off, huge fan of your comedy podcast. Thank you. I saw you perform Brian Regan. Well, with Brian Regan Cubs comedy while that was a bucket list night for me to be able to perform with that guy. The show was absolutely hilarious. Well, thank you and thank you from Brian Regan too. Um, anyway, regarding your question about solar, there is no solar power that is completely off the grid. You use all the energy that you can provide through solar and the rest that can't be provided by the sun, like at night or if it gets shady on your roof, the utility provides. This is called interconnection. Uh, you save a ton of money and you use clean

energy in the process. I work for a solar company. I promise this isn't a bullshit sales pitch and I manage the construction timelines. So I've learned a lot about this stuff. Here's a link to my company. I work for, we install a lot in LA and in Boston as well too. I think we're in like 12 different states. Anyways, thanks to you for the awesome podcast. Hey, you know something about this solar shit? This, any, every person you talk to says something different. I watch people on YouTube, make up a solar thing. Um, what a solar thing put up their solar panels, broke down how they worked and, uh, and how you could get off the grid, but it was really, really, really fucking involved. This guy's digging a goddamn trench. I can't even remember what the fuck was going on,

but I'm just like, all right, I don't have room for a trench. All right, my little piece of property here. So I don't, you know, I got room for a hole. Does that work? I can't even remember what he was doing. They dug this trench and he stuff like a fucking tarp in there. I don't even know what that, I can't even tell you what was going on, but, um, I will definitely, uh, I'll definitely look into it. Um, hopefully I'll have more luck with you guys than the fucking cunts who put the roof on this house. Fucking assholes. I told you what they did, right? They put the roof on the house and then like the drain pipes because it's an old house, old stupid design where the drain off was. It goes down into a pipe that actually goes into like a, I don't, I have like a, my attic is actually,

you ever see seeing John Malkovich or being, being John Malkovich, remember how they had that floor we had to walk around bent over? Like that's basically how much space there is between, um, the ceiling on my top floor and then the roof. I don't even know what the purpose of it is. All it is is just, it just traps air that gets heated up and causes my house to be hot. But anyways, that's what it is. So the drain off of the water on the roof goes into a pipe that goes in, into the fucking crawl space and then back out the front of the house and down the side. So you take water from the roof, you bring it into the house. It's inside a pipe, but nevertheless, you bring it into the fucking house and God forbid that pipe bursts or you have some fucking moron

who disconnects it when he's putting the new roof on and forgets to hook it back up and then tries to blame it on, yeah, he blamed it on, oh, you know, the fucking old blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just sitting there going, all right, this is at least a year in court. You know what? Why don't you just get the fuck out of here? I'll just put in a goddamn claim, you cunt. That's what I did, because I didn't want to go to court. So anyways, I'm hoping you're better than those guys. I mean, how couldn't you be? All right, here's my favorite one of this week, solar roadways debunked. I got a note from my guy here, Andrew says a ton of people forwarded the same link as the one in the email below. I watched this so you don't have to, it's 30 minutes long.

Basically, he bitches about costs, maintenance, and the efficiency of the perks advertised in the original video, like heating or repairing the road. Yeah, I actually watched the first 10 minutes of it. I'll save my opinion until I read this. Yo, Billy, the sunburn kid. I know you were pretty pumped up about solar roads, to be honest, so was I, but someone smart sat down and crunched some numbers and brought up points as to why solar roads are economically and technically not feasible. It's about 30 minutes long. So if you got some time to kill in any airport, check it out. Well, you know what, sir? I watched the first 10 minutes of it. He didn't debunk them. He just brought up a bunch of questions. He's just like a road has to be durable. And I would have some questions about,

I mean, they showed a tractor run over the tiles, but it was a small tractor and they only did it once. I would like to see how these, you know, these things hold up when it's wet out and you need water to run off. And he just brought up a bunch of fucking questions. You know, he didn't debunk them. He did basically, basically what he did. It's like 50% what you have to do. You can't have somebody just coming on. Hey, these are brand new roads. Can I make them? Oh, okay. You, you think they're good? You think they're going to work? Okay. I mean, obviously you can't do that, but it's 50% that, which is smart. You got to ask the right questions. And then the other side is anytime you try to do something new, there's always people saying it's not going to work.

You know, and this guy in his half hour, I'm sure he bring, he brought up a number of things that would be a problem. It doesn't mean they can't work. Okay. So I don't, I wouldn't say they were debunked. I would just say somebody asked a bunch of fucking questions and rather than just when what he does is he just throws it out there. It's like, why don't you contact the people at the solar road who trying to make the solar roads and actually get some answers and get some fucking, or maybe order some tiles and try to do some experiments yourself rather than wasting people's time with the half hour of questions and speculation. That's basically what it was. So I wouldn't say that it was debunked, but you know, you throw up three pointers for a half an hour.

Some of them are going to go in even if you suck. So I'm sure a couple of his concerns were true, but you know, I mean, look at electric cars since way back in the day, people, they suck their fucking up. Like people actually question the power of electric electricity. It powers the entire fucking city can light up a whole fucking city and I get a Prius and my own mother, my own mother is going, can it go up a hill? No, mom, I just got to get out and start walking. It's great for my weight. And look at that. They saw they're underpowered and they're this and they're that. First of all, the Prius is not an electric car. It's not even a fucking 50% electric car. It's like an 8% electric car. That's what it is. From like zero, I've told you this guy's

for years from zero to seven miles an hour, that car runs on electric power and then switches over to gas for the rest of the time. And if you drive with a lead foot, you're going to get maybe 25 miles a gallon. But if you listen, if you listen to the engine, okay, and you don't stomp on the gas and drive like a fucking maniac and slam on the brakes, you can get, you know, I don't, I wouldn't say 40 miles a gallon. Yeah, you can get like 35, but it's great. Perfect car. If you're living in the city, I absolutely love the fucking thing. So anyway, so you had that, I bought that thing in October of 2007. And now look at these, these Tesla cars, I actually wrote in one of those, the end of last year, before I wrote in case he's fucking truck, Jesus Christ,

which probably gets two feet to the gallon, especially the way he was driving it. Those Tesla cars are fucking amazing. And you can drive from last I checked from San Diego, all the way up to Vancouver. You know, they have recharge stations from San Diego, all the way up to Vancouver. And I think recently someone just drove one across the country. So it's not like that guy in the speculation video. I got to look that one up or you should look it up or whatever. But I'm actually leaning towards that fucking thing. Things bad ass you walk up to and you turn it on like the door handles are flush against the car and you walk up and things pop out. I'm sure other cars do that, but I never seen it, you know, it's cool to me. The only thing I

didn't like about the car is it has like a super size fucking iPad right in the dashboard. And that just seemed like that would be really distracting for somebody like me. I need like a shade just to sort of pull that thing down. But I'm actually thinking of maybe getting one. I also kind of like the idea that they're just sort of one price like, you know, go in there and there's none of that haggling. So you don't feel like a pussy when you walk out because I don't give a shit how many fucking videos you watch, you still get your ass handed to you. But either way, let's bring in the birthday girl. Hey, come on in. Got to bring in the birthday girl over here. Let me try to find something that she can relate to NBA. Oh, Bill, not asking you

to rant for 20 minutes. Oh, there we go. The lovely Nia everybody. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Nia. Happy birthday to you. Yeah, sorry. That was beautiful. Oh, it was in its own sad way. How'd you like your cupcake? I loved it. There you go. You made me a cupcake. My favorite kind of cupcake, too, which is very sweet. You take that. All right, put a little candle right there. Put a little candle in it. Send you a happy birthday. That was very nice. Yeah, and you didn't mush it in my face. I did it. All right, well, happy birthday. A whole bunch more that you made. So, you know, well, that's the thing. All my recipes stay on your peas and queues, sweetheart.

Well, the thing is, is all my recipes come from my mother. So they all serve like 10 people. So right. Well, most cupcake recipes are going to be for like more than 30. Yeah, I stopped after I went two rounds through. What did I make? What is it? Was it was a six and a tray or eight and a tray? Yeah, there's like 18 or 20 of them out there. Yeah. Well, nobody makes one cupcake. So yeah, any kind of recipe is going to why don't you just make like six? Six is perfect. They never think about like they don't they never think about the lonely people when they make a cookbook. Well, the thing is you could put the enough batter in for six and cook the six and then freeze the rest of your batter and just have it for the next time you want to make cupcakes. So it's not like

it's a complete waste. But all right, who's going to give you the exact measurements for like one or two cupcakes? That's that's silly. Well, you know, I think that'd be a great idea for a cookbook. What for cupcakes for one? No, the loner, the loner cookbook or like just single. Yeah, like when you're fucking single, yeah, sitting there trying to do the math, you know, it serves eight. It's just like I'm fucking 22. I'm trying to make spaghetti over here. Why don't they just make but that's why you have luck. But the thing is, that's why it's good to have leftovers. You freeze the shit and you have it for later. Well, it's not it's not bad now because you can go on the internet like today. I'm sitting there looking at that fucking cane sugar. And they're asking me

in the bag, it says two pounds of cane sugar. And they wanted a certain amount of ounces. And I'm sitting there and all I have is like a quarter cup. So I go, I was like, how many cups are in a pound? And they're like, well, cups is more of a like a size. Yeah, not a size. What is the word? Like, like, they couldn't figure like, it's not a weight. A cup is not a weight. It's more like a fucking handful kind of looking at like that. So what I actually did was I took out one of your little sports fucking things that you drink out of that has ounces on the side. So the protein shakes it. Yeah, that works. Yeah. Well, that's why the thing was a disaster. Once I got out like a bakery exploded in there. Yeah, flower everywhere. Yeah, mix this like kicked on the the countertops on the

floor. Yeah, dry little white puddles. That's right. You're like a little kid. Whenever you go like make something, you make the biggest fucking mess I've ever seen. The kitchen is a disaster. That's why I like it. You've got like stains all over your apron. You know, you're sweating a little bit. You're hairy. You're like slipping around in your socks in the kitchen, sliding around in flour. You're all like stressed out. You're all red in the face. I wasn't stressed out. You weren't stressed out this time. But other times you've made stuff. It's been fun. That's what I've learned to stay away. Well, here's the thing. No, no, here's the thing. That was that was the young of me who flipped out. No, I flip out a year ago. Quit going for the joke. Come on, I'm getting better.

Yeah. And also back in the day, I didn't have an apron. You gotta have an apron. You gotta have an apron. You have fans are all messy. He's right in the front of him. And you just keep marching forward. You leave the casualties behind. It's fucking phenomenal. It was delicious, though. I really appreciate it. And your gifts were amazing. Of course they were. You killed it this birthday, honey. Of course I did. And you know what? You know, I killed it because you always figure out what I'm going to get you is I just played like I was a moron. I really hate that, though. And can I just say I really you drove me crazy with that yesterday. You were driving me nuts. You were actually mad at me. That was I was trying not to be but you were really pushing my buttons.

You were trying to make me mad. See, that's the thing. You're toying with me though, huh? You know exactly what I'm talking about. I emailed you something like a month ago to say, hey, if you're wondering what to give me for my birthday because I know you're busy. I know you're on the road and all this other stuff. Look at you. I'm telling you what I want. Also, you know, it's like I'm not like a little kid. You know what I mean? I tell you exactly what I want to like give you lead you in the right direction. What a little kid say they what say what they don't want. Well, I mean, you know, you just there's a little kid has a breath that you're like, hey, have a toy. Get out of here. Beat it. But when you're older,

like specific things that you know, maybe you'd like to get so you let people know my parents asked me all the time. What do you want for your birthday? What do you want for your birthday? Because nobody has time to sit around and like figure out what do you want? So, you know, isn't that what I did this year? But that's what you did because you took what I wanted and then you kind of riffed on it and you got a bunch of stuff to surround. No, it was wonderful. But my point is you made me crazy. I don't like that you still took credit. You took what I said and then you riffed on it. No, I didn't actually listen to you this year. And I from months ago and I figured out what the fuck you wanted. And then you did your usual thing because you are an organizing

you like you just you're an organized person, literally to the point that you're organizing my shopping for what I get you. Now, one of the great things about giving somebody a gift is the surprise where they're like, it's not a surprise. They take me out to brunch and you're like, All right, I got to get you home because I got to go shopping for your birthday. Like, how's that supposed to make me feel? I'm sitting there like, Okay, this is why this is why I did that because you emailed me something. I knew you wanted this shit. Yes. Okay. Now, if I just went out and got it for you, I mean, why don't you just fucking even when the when the mailman comes, he hands it to me and then I throw it at you when you're sitting there takes no fucking

imagination whatsoever. Right. So I knew you wanted it. I knew I was going to get it for you. But I'm like, how the fuck is it still a surprise that she gets it? So what I did was I acted like I wasn't and I already knew the other things that I were going to I was going to get I knew where the hell they were. I waited to the last second to get it. So you thought I was like an unthoughtful jackass and it works like a fucking charm. Why would you buy? Why would you make yourself seem like, you know, a last minute jackass like that? Like, why would just torture me and I'm telling you what, because you can't just give me the gift and be like, here you go, honey, you have to have some other little thing where you throw me off my game, you give me all in a

tizzy. And then it's like, oh, wait, he actually did the perfect thing. Why? Why do you play those because that's exactly the type of thing that you accuse women of doing and you do it to me all the time. This is why because when I don't do that, you guess exactly what I'm going to get you and it's fucking annoying. It's fucking and I've wrapped something. You already know what's in it. You make me feel like an idiot. Why do you feel like an idiot? Just because I guess what it is. You don't guess your peak. You look that time when I came when I went Christmas shopping. Oh my God. Yes, we are. Yes, we are. Yes, we are not see what you brought. This is when you know you're going to bring up a good point with your woman and she immediately starts trying to talk over you. I

do the same thing. Yes, you do. So I'm pulling up in the car. You knew I was going Christmas shopping for you. I'm getting out of the car. I opened the hatchback to our sweet innocent little hybrid, right? I take the bag out that has the name of the fucking store and I glance and I glance over at the house and you're standing there like a specter looking out the window. I had been waiting for you. My fucking heart. My heart like jolted when I looked up you. No, you had a creepy look on your face. You were doing something sneaky. You were coming up and I was like waving at you. No, you weren't. And then you didn't see me. Can I show you? Can I show you what you were doing? All right, fine. You can show me. I've seen you do this before. This is

what you were doing. I looked when I'm looking at the house and I look up at you like this. Nobody can see that. You're sitting there looking like some weird stalker. That's what you were doing. No, I didn't. Yes, you were doing. You're a spoiled brat and you wanted to see what was in the thing. I'm not a spoiled brat. Don't say that. All right, you're spoiled. If I'm spoiled, it's because you spoil me. Oh God, blaming the victim. Once again. Victim? No, here's the deal. You're such a victim. No, that's why I did it. I like to try to surprise you. If I'm going to spend all my fucking money on some goddamn thing here, I want you to- Oh, you're so tacky. You're so tacky to throw how much money it costs for you to get your birthday present in my face. You didn't have to

say how much it cost just by saying if I'm going to- Am I really going to lose this? Am I going to lose this one? It's my birthday, so yeah. Oh my God. All right, let's go. No, let's get back to the same thing. Yeah, because it's like a sport for you to figure out what the fuck I got you. It's annoying. I never tried. It's a sport for you to always throw me off my game. You know, it's a sport for me. Teach you how to use a microphone. Just talk into it. Oh, okay. There you go. You couldn't hear me before? Well, I hear you and then you're over here. No. You only go over here when you imitate somebody else. That's what you do. Or when you go lady. Yeah, there you go. That's all it is. That's the mic technique. There you go. All right, we're going to talk NBA

here, Nene. The NBA. The NBA. National Basketball Association. It's a professional league. Now, with basketball, William, unlike soccer, you use your hands but not your feet. You can't kick the ball. It's reverse soccer. I'm just wondering what I'm going to possibly know about the NBA. But anyway, let's go ahead and read it. Well, I mean, I have to read the questions here. There's no penalty in just tapping out on one. NBA, Bill, not asking you to ramp the 20 minutes on this because I know not everyone cares about basketball, but seriously, the NBA, the NBA is so rigged. How can announcers and former players not be up in arms? LeBron got three fouls in the first quarter. I hate LeBron, but Christ, let's have a fair game. I think the

trick is to watch shitty teams and hope shitty teams make it to the playoffs. So there's no incentive to sway the momentum. If the Raptors played the jazz and the championships, there's no superstars. Help or to help or to penalize. Yeah, I mean, I think it's, look, in any sport, the top players definitely get preferential treatment. I mean, there's the Tom Brady rule, there's all kinds of shit that goes on. But I just, you know, that's one of those ones where, look, I mean, they make more money if it goes more games. I just feel like I've already said what I said. Okay, I'm not going to keep reiterating it. Either you believe it or you don't. I know for years I said it was fixed and then they found a mobbed up ref, you know, who was actually fixing

games and fuck the Sacramento Kings out of a series against the Lakers and the Lakers went on to win a championship. They literally affected who the fuck won the championship that year or this guy did. And then everybody, when I was vindicated and I was right, just went like, it was just one guy. It's just one guy. I think it's in their best interest to have the stars of the big teams in the finals and for it to go more than four games. Okay. And I think, you know, those refs get paid by the game, those fucking arenas, you know, more games, more concession, more tickets, more commercial, more money. So, and I think that, that plays a fucking role consciously or subconsciously. I'm not saying that they sit down. I just think that it's fucking,

my thing, I'm done saying it's fixed. I'll just say that the refs have way too much power and they have to stop dictating the tempo of the game. I would like the players, you know, I would rather have that. All right, there we go. But either way, don't blow in LeBron's ear, even though that was funny as fucking hell. Did you see that? No. This guy on the fucking Pacers, I forget his name, not a big hoop guy. Right. He blew in LeBron's ear. Yeah, they were sitting there. I think they were both sitting there. You know, when you got your hands on your knees, I don't know if they're waiting for a jump ball or something. Right. And he was sort of, not quite perpendicular to the side of LeBron's face, but he just sort of went

right into his ear. And what was funny was it took LeBron for like half a second, then he sort of smiled and shook his head like, so it didn't have the desired effect where he was hoping he was going to get like when Will Smith slapped that guy who kissed him. I think he was trying to get him off his game. Flappable LeBron James. Well, I mean, he's like, he's like a fucking X-man out there. The guy's a goddamn superhero. Although I got to tell you, I get so turned off by the NBA, I don't understand what all this screaming and yelling is after you make a basket. What do you mean screaming? Like they're excited? Like they're like, no, like they're mad at somebody you can't see. They're yelling just looking at the

crowd yelling. LeBron James took the ball, went coast to coast, like I've seen my entire life. He's not the first guy to go coast to coast. He dunks the ball. And when he's done, he first walks and he starts glaring at the crowd. And then he's going all the way up the sideline. I didn't know what he was saying. Isn't he just like all hyped and like, yeah. Yeah, like, weren't they always hyped? Weren't you always hyped? You gave a high five. He's sitting there screaming and yelling, thumping his fucking chest. They're out there acting like they're, it's like, dude, you put a ball through a hoop. I know you're one of the greatest whoever fucking did it, but you're not Jordan. I never saw Jordan do that. So what? He doesn't have to be

Jordan. He's LeBron. I'm just saying why I don't like it. I'm not saying he can't do it. Dude, Kevin Garnett, I swear to God, it's like he has Tourette's. He does anything. He's walking up to the line, like talking to himself and every other word is fuck. And you can clearly see that the guy's saying fuck. And I don't understand. I just, it's, it's bizarre. Every other word out of your mouth is fuck. Yeah, no, but I'm not on fucking T. Oh, I guess I am on TV. Yes, you are on TV. And no, no, no, no, no, that's, I'll tell you why this is different. That would be like if I told a joke and then it killed. And as the crowds laughing and applauding, I was standing up to go, yeah, mother fucker, I'm just telling a joke. I ain't

playing the show. It's stupid to do your job and shut the fuck up. Yeah, it's stupid. That's the difference. All right. That's, and that's why my thing is I can't like, like you're, you're applauding yourself. You're more if I can't even get to the level of amazement that they are about themselves. That's what turns me off about the fucking game. You ever re-catcher on the rye, Nia? Oh my gosh. That fucking catcher in the rye analogy you always make. I'll tell you why, because always with the catcher in the rye. That's that, that fucking thing when he sees that great piano player, but the guy knows he's great and he's making that face, that G. E. Smith thing. And it's just like, yeah, dude, you're up your own ass right now. You don't need me. And I'm not going

to sit there and watch you fucking jerk yourself off after you just did something that a bunch of other people have already fucking done. It drives me, it drives me fucking nuts. And all I know is that little kids see it now, and then they're going to be doing that. Even go to little kids' games and they got to fucking take like a diaper shot. And then it goes, yeah, it's back down. High pitch voice going down the fucking thing. And I'm going to sit there. I'm going to want to throw a hotdog at them. You really are an old foggy now with your complain about how these young kids go out there and they're thumping their chest in there. Just go out there and do your job. Yeah. I mean, I, look, there's definitely an element of that. I'll even take 60% of that,

but 40% of it as I'm right. What are you doing? I never, I never did that shit. Jordan didn't do it, but they talk shit to each other. Occasionally, you know, there'd be a second, you didn't turn around glare at the crowd. Like, like, like you just fucking defeated somebody on planet Krypton and then fucking go down the side and scream, dude, screaming and yelling. That's for the cameras though. With this crazy, maybe it's for the, maybe it's for the cameras and maybe it's for, you know, when a crazy homeless guy gets on the subway and they just starts yelling and then you just look down at the floor going, please don't pick me. Please don't pick me. Don't look at him. Those are the rules. Are they doing it for the clips

when they do like the commercials where they play the music and stuff and they show all the clips in the game and they show the guys like, yeah, like looking at the crowd. Maybe it's for that. Of course it is. They're all playing up to the camera. Playing up to the fucking camera. Right. They all hang out with each other in the same fucking yacht and go, hey, let's all jump on the same team and then we'll become a dynasty. And then, you know, then the announcers who make money announcing the NBA, so they're never going to criticize it. And then they just say the same, they'll tell you, when you get mentioned in the same breath of Magic Johnson or Michael Jordan, because they are accomplishing the same thing on paper, but they're not doing what those guys did.

And when those guys did it, you did it through the draft and maybe a blockbuster trade. Okay. There was way more cerebral back then how you had to put it together a team. You had to lean way more on your fucking scouts. You didn't have a bunch of players all jump on the same team. And then you jump on this team. Okay. He jumps on this fucking team and becomes like this three-headed fucking monster, just stomping on all these other goddamn team. I mean, well, why don't I just watch you go fucking go play a bunch of kids, a high school team. I mean, I know it's not that bad, but that's what's killing it for me. Okay. Yeah, you know, funny, you're not even a sports fan, whatever. You're not official. So why did you call me in for this one?

Remember why I called you and you said you wanted to come on the podcast. I said, yeah, because I don't want to talk about other things, not the NBA. All right. Office bitch. Is that a good one? It sounds like something that you would want me to, just because it has bitch in it. Like, oh, it's good. A lady's opinion in here. Okay. What is it saying? What is the long? You're unbelievable. I just did the NBA. That's a guy topic. You didn't like that one. So now I'm giving you a lady topic. No, I want to hear this one. I want to hear this one. I'm with you. I'm with you. You didn't sound like you were. You sound like you're backpedaling. I'm with you. Okay. All right. This guy writes Billy Parmesan and then writes pronounced Parmesan.

Like I don't know how to read. Parmesan. What? What do I say? Parmesan? Parmesan. Parmesan. Billy Parmesan. I'm Italian and very much so at that. I speak Italian and I'm first generation Italian. Ciao. Is this guy Italian? Prego. Prego. Vino. Vino. I work with a girl who claims she's Italian, but she really isn't at all. Hashtag Middle Eastern. I mean, how does he? Oh well. I mean, her grandmother may have fucked a Sicilian or she's Olive Garden Italian, you know, less than one sixteenth Italian. Italians are not fucking around about who's Italian. They're not. Who's not Italian. And if you're Sicilian, it's like a different thing. Yeah. You guys don't play with that. They don't fuck around. The same way gas monkey does not

fuck around when they build a car. I told them that story right in Casey's truck, Jesus Christ. Anyways, in the office, she's constantly calling me and a few other Italians, Guineas and Gumbaz. She says it like she's one of us and most times in a manner that really forces it into the conversation. Like, hey, Guineas, don't grease up my stapler. Now, I'm not completely insulted, but the catch is she's black. A year ago, she complained to human resources that a coworker who had listened to rap music on his headphones at lunch would mouth lyrics that weren't meant for him, i.e. the N word. There really is no proof that he even mouth the words because he sat facing the wall and all she knew was that he was listening to Jay-Z's new album at the time

and assumed he mouthed all the words, none of which were audible, by the way. How do you know this if you weren't there? So one day last week, she was calling us dumb Guineas and asked if my friend Leonardo, yes, that is his name, if he could wring out his hair over her salad. Oh my God. Because the place she ordered from didn't give her enough dressing to go on her salad. Wow. Wow. That is a funny joke, though. If you're cool with somebody, that's fucking hilarious. The funny thing, because those are the rules. Horribly offensive, if you're not. If you're not, because that's one of the things. If you're friends, if someone was, you know, some Italian guy was breaking my balls of being a pasty freckled cunt. And then I came up with that, wring your hair out of the salad.

I mean, that's, that's fucking, I might have him for the week. He'd have to come back with the, I don't know what. The funny thing about the situation is that Leo doesn't have greasy hair at all. Well, yeah, I mean, it's a huge stretch of a joke and a stereotype. It's hacky and not even insulting. The insulting part is that she thinks nothing of it. I know what you're going to say. This is one of those things you just got to let go, but I didn't. I stood up and said, listen, you're not Italian. If you're Italian, then I'm black because I'm Sicilian. And we've all heard the true romance speech. That was the end of it. Did I handle that right? Because I sure as hell wasn't going to let myself become an HR whore. Thanks for listening. I think you did the right

thing because first, you know, why did you go first? What do you think? No, I actually think you did the right thing too. Because the girl says she's Italian, but you say she's black, but like just meaning like she looks black, like she looks like me or like she's actually has said, I am black and Italian, because maybe she's biracial or whatever. So I mean, the whole thing about she's not really Italian, that's why I was laughing at how Italians are very protective about who can say they're Italian and who's not. So she might be biracial, right? But the thing about it is, you know, in this country, they have that whole like, what is it, the one eighth, whatever, drop paper bag test, all that kind of shit where it's like, if you got a drop of black blood in you,

you're black. That's the way it's considered in this country. That's the way it was set up in America. So maybe that's why you're feeling like you're not even Italian, you're black. So that all aside, yeah, for her, I'm making a joke saying like dumb guineas and goombas and stuff like, if you're offended by it, you should definitely tell her, I'm offended by that. I know you said you're Italian, but I just, I find that kind of speech, you know, offensive. So please don't say it around me. I don't like that. And I think that is better. I didn't think it is better to confront the person then running off to HR, you know, the whole thing with the guy, mouthing the lyrics to Jay-Z's album and he was facing the wall like, listen, yeah, unless you were there, I mean, he probably had

a conversation with this guy. That's why he's coming out like that. She said I was mouthing the N word and she couldn't even see me. I mean, but here's the thing. Here's the thing. This is the thing. She, this is the deal. She sounds a little nuts. Right. And this thing, all those jokes are funny if it's done the right way and she's not doing it the right way. And if she, look, I think if she came to this guy and said, Hey, whatever, one eighth Italian or whatever, and talked about Italians in a respectful way, that this guy would embrace her, that she would, that's her Italian blood. And then they would have this bond where he'd be like, Oh, that's the Italian in you. See, I knew. But if you come at them that way, if you start going,

Hey, if you dago fucking, right, right, quit greasing up the floors over the whole thing about, give me some of your hair because I don't have enough. I gotta tell you, that's funny. I can't, I can't read that without laughing. But it's funny. But no, it's, it's, it's wrong over to say that, especially if she's going to turn around and be upset that someone's listening to rap music in their headphones and now they word that don't, words that aren't for him. Yeah. Jay-Z will take, Jay-Z will take your white money. You'll take your white money, but those lyrics are not for you. Know this. I will, you, you, you and all your friends can finance my next big purchase, but these lyrics are not for you. What is the rule on that? Can a white guy in his car

can sing along, right? To the rap music. I'm not going to tell you what to do with your car alone. Uncensored, right? What, what is, what would you say as an African-American is the protocol? If you're singing along, I mean, it's just a song, you know, sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy. Are you allowed to say the end word in front of me in the context of a rap song? So, so somebody's already singing a song. Okay. You're on a bus, right? It's a terrible day for you, Neil. You're on a bus. Oh Jesus, where you going? What happened? As long as I'm not in the back, I'm all right. So somebody's got their little fucking iPod on, right? Or phone thing, whatever, right? And they're singing to the songs, right? And the first song they're singing is that,

you know, sunshine on my show. You're laughing like, wow, this guy's singing out loud. He's singing off key. You kind of laugh into yourself, but he's got his iPod on shuffle. Okay. And then the next one is that Wu-Tank song, right? And he's singing along to Oh, Dirty Bastard. Shame on a tried to run game on him. Who's fuck wild? And he starts singing along with that. I think you should do it just the way you did it. Do it the way I feel like the silent. Listen, when we, when I went to go see Jay-Z and Kanye, would you get mad? No, but this is a good example of that. When to go see Jay-Z and Kanye, they'll watch the throne at the Staples Center, you know, whole stadium arena full of people, all black, white, whoever. And everybody was singing along

to all the songs. And it wasn't in the context of it. It was like, yeah, because it's not like the white people are going to be like, Oh, I can't. It's like, we're all singing along. It's all enjoying the music. It's not a big deal. So if there's a big crowd of people singing the N word? Well, I mean, I feel like there's a difference between that than the white person who's like trying to show you how down they are. And they're like all in your what do you call that again, appropriating the, what do you call that? Oh, cultural appropriation. Yeah, if you're like a white person that's like, yeah, I'm down for my niggas, you know how we niggas do it, I'm going to look at you like you're fucking crazy. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

Because it's ridiculous for you to do that. But it used to shock me in New York, when I would hear these kids that were seemingly, now I'm like the guy that wrote in, not black, but like Latin, like, you know, Dominican or Puerto Rican, and they called themselves niggas all the time. And I wasn't aware of that when I first moved to New York. So I was like, what? And then I just realized, yeah, that's, they do that too. So it's okay for them. I remember when I was at In-N-Out Burger, sitting outside the one on Sunset Boulevard, and I was sitting there and there was this dude, I think he was Mexican, which once again, he's probably Middle Eastern. They get mistook for everything.

Mexicans? No, Middle Eastern people. Oh, yes, yes. Once they get out of the stereotypical, god damn it, it's 110 degrees out here, I'm going to wear this robe thing. When they just start wearing, when they start, no, I'm talking of Middle Eastern people. Oh, okay. Once they, when they wear Americanized fucking clothes, they can go. Oh yeah, because then they're just brown.

I knew, I knew a guy for years. I thought he was Italian and on stage, he was pretending to be Italian. Right. And it turned out he was Lebanese. I had no idea. No idea. He had the fucking, you know. Wasn't there another famous comedian who kind of had an Italian persona and it turns out that he's actually Jewish? Gee, I don't know, Nia. Is there? All right. He's fucking setting me up here.

All right. Let's go to, here we go. Dear Billy Goat, I was listening to some old podcasts and you were sharing your feelings on movies you'd recently seen. What was the last movie theater experience you enjoyed? I mean, the movie itself, not all the necking that goes on in the back row, you old bloodhound. Oh, he's using those old words. Just, this is just him acting like I'm fucking old. Um, all right. The last movie in the theater. Well, I probably would. I would have saw it with you. I'm not a big movie.

Wolf of Wall Street was the last one we saw in the theater. Oh my God. Which I hated, hated, hated, hated, hated. I gotta tell you this. It was worth seeing Leonardo's, the actress that played his wife. Jesus. Margot Robbie. Jesus. She's gorgeous.

She's Australian. Did you know that? No. I just, I don't know. You don't care. She was like, you know what's great about her was she was totally naked and she still, it didn't, it didn't look dirty. She was just, she was a goddess. Gorgeous. Okay.

I mean, yeah, when I look at her. Yeah, I got it. I got it. But did you like the movie? That's what he wants to know was your, your, the last time you were in a movie and really enjoyed the movie itself. Was it Wolf of Wall Street? I don't, I can't remember what we saw in the movie theater before that. Because I feel like we very rarely go to the movie theater. I mean, we must have saw something since then. Wolf of Wall Street?

Wolf of Wall Street. I have to see again. Why? Because it was so can suck another eight hours out of your life. Jesus. It wasn't that bad. It was definitely long. It was too long and it was like repetitive. It's like, I get it. These guys are drug taking assholes. How many more scenes of this do we need? And it's like, I appreciate the chemistry between Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill,

but it's like, all right, all righty. He just, you know, Scorsese just let the camera run and run and run and run. I will say that some of those sales meetings were so long, I started to feel like I worked at the company. I thought that they were, they were kind of in real time. They were really trying to hammer home the fact that these were just these underhanded, dirty, kind of excessive 80s guys. And it's like, we got it. The opening shot was them tossing a midget. We live in this world now. We get who they are. You know what? I do want to see, I want to see that. I don't know how to say it though.

Maleficent. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, let's go through that. I kept saying male, male if it's, I just kept seeing male and maleficent. It's that's not a word, right? It's the name of the character. It's the name of the evil queen. It's no white. That's her name. Is it Latin for something? I have no idea. All right, dear Billy goat, I was listening to some old podcast and you were,

You just read that. Oh, you're just fucking crazy. I didn't even, I didn't even realize that. P.S. I loved X-Men. He says, and please remind listeners. Oh, okay. Hey, this is my, please remind family listeners that which family member would you fuck dilemmas are hacky and won't make it to the podcast. Yeah. Why would you even ask a question like that? Because some people want to have sex with a fucking family member and they want to feel like they're not alone in this world.

They do? I don't know. All right. No, they're just doing it. I hate those weird like, would you rather fuck your mother or fuck your dog? Like what? All the dog. Why would you even put, It's out of doubt.

Why would you even ask a question like that? Depends on what kind of dog it is and how much fight does it have in it? No. Dilemma, would you rather give up blowjobs for the rest of your life or cheese? Oh God, that's easy. Cheese, of course you'd give up cheese. Absolutely. I'd give up cheese. I'd fucking less dairy, less stomach aches that wouldn't get bound up.

Less bloating. Wait, do I get more blowjobs to all the cheese I don't eat? Does that go into more blowjobs? Because this includes the fake cheese like cheese whiz or mac and cheese. Dude, I fucking hate that cheese. That's, that's why I could, I can never get on board with the Philly cheesesteak. That have the whiz on them. Ah, that's the whiz.

That's the perfect name for it too. Whiz as in piss. Like if cheese took a piss, that's what it is. Cheese whiz is- It's cheese piss. Yeah, it's fucking gross. I wonder if that's why they call it that. But maybe-

Dude, you know what it is. It's probably some processed shit, something with a scrape it off the top of the bottom of something. Yeah. You know, for years we were throwing this out and we added a little something to it. They put all kinds of preservatives and salt and stuff so you could stay in that little aerosol can for longer than you live. On the food chain, it's below the hot dog. Cheese whiz. I mean, cheese whiz.

I mean, that's like, that's there with fluff and udder. That's in there with like- What is fluff and udder? Is that just marshmallow spread? Like- It's like yummy toxic waste. It's just horrific. Like that's the kind of shit you eat and your body is just like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah. Where do we put this? And it just, like that trans vat shit, like it just sticks it. Wherever it can put it, tries to spread it out through your body. Yeah, I'm not into cheese whiz. You'll never see it in the house. It's not something that I'm into. So you don't have to worry about that.

Okay, good. My friend. Did you talk about Kim and Kanye's wedding? I ready? What? I thought maybe you were talking about Kim and Kanye's wedding. Why would I- I don't know.

Why would I talk about that? Did you talk about topical stuff? Well, first they already have a fucking kid. You know? Stupid. What do you mean? What's stupid about it? You already had a kid.

What do you- So now what? We're getting married so I can be like, oh my god. Hey, I'll sue them before I'll. You already have one. It's dumb. It's- What are you talking about?

Are you saying that people who have a kid shouldn't get married if they're not married? No, they should get married if they want to, but they should make a big fucking deal out of it. Oh, but this is Kim and Kanye we're talking about. That was such a waste of a castle. They're not. Let's, they had their- Didn't they do it at Versailles? They had their dinner, like their rehearsal dinner or whatever at Versailles,

and then they got married in this old castle in Florence. And I have to say, I don't know. I'm looking at the pictures, which is hilarious because they're supposed to be so private and we're not selling our pictures everywhere. People magazine is like practically a guest at the whole fucking thing. No, they sell them to one and they make a billion books. Yeah, yeah, which I mean- What do you think they're gonna have the divorce at?

Parliament in London? But I'm looking at the pictures. I got it. I don't know. I think they look, they look really happy. It sounds so cheesy, but it's true. I'm like, I was very, I was very skeptical of it. But I have to say, they look super happy.

And I thought I was going to be all eye rolly at all the pictures. Can Kanye smile anymore? Fast, he, that's the thing. He's smiling in all those pictures. Of course, it's also for people magazine. Since that car accident, when he got that, the jaw thing going there. Yeah, he always has like the bitch face. His resting face is bitch face.

Like when he doesn't move and he's just kind of sitting there, he looks angry. Like that he just has that, you kind of have that resting face where you look pissed off. I definitely have that. But my jaw doesn't look like it's made out of like- He has the same jaw of like the Tin Man. You know, like those little robots, the initial ones you make with, they just sort of- He, yeah, but they had his jaw got all broken. So it's going to be a little weird.

Oh, that's right. And then he wrote a song about it. He went to the studio and made a video about how awesome he was that he was in the studio with his jaw, that he had a jaw wired shot. Yeah. Oh man, you got to film this. God, I can't believe how awesome I am. That's when I literally started feeling old.

It's just the absolute fucking- Just, I mean, I don't know if- Because everybody started doing yoga or whatever, just the self-blowing. Blowing? Self-blowing. Blowing that just goes on, like where it's just like they- People are amazed with how fucking amazing they are. The second they get to that fucking level, I just-

I can't watch it. It's gross. You got to be your own cheerleader though. You know what I mean? You got to be your own hype man. Yeah, it doesn't mean you got to be an arrogant ass. That's very true. Yeah.

Look, you fucking think negative shit. I'm getting nowhere. I can't do this. Then you got to fuck this. I got to do something positive. I got to go to the gym. Come on, Bill. You can do this.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That doesn't mean I got to have a look on my face like I just conquered a country by myself and start yelling at people. This is really- I just feel like this is kind of ironic coming from a man whose job it is to stand on stage- And make people laugh, which is what I do. But it's also a part of it is like giving your own opinions about stuff and sort of like, you know, this is how I feel.

And of course it's for laughs. But I mean, I'm not saying what you and Kanye do. My point of view on stage is I'm a moron who doesn't read, who has ADD. Right. If you really listen to it, that's all I'm saying for an hour. No one ever thinks that about you though. No, they just see an angry leprechaun. They see an angry leprechaun.

But the thing is, you know how you're talking about how he's hyping himself up and he says he's so awesome. Like apparently at their wedding, he gave this speech and he said like, Kim is like a work of art and the Kardashians are like this amazing brand and they're like the future. He just gave this whole like, he is so into them and her and her family and that whole thing. They're an amazing brand. That's a compliment.

That's a compliment now. Yeah, yeah. He did. And it was saying that she's a work of art. She's and yeah, because of how- But the thing is though, is he completely wrong? Because they turned her little like zealous status sex tape into like this million-dollar industry to the point where they're like Valentino-

Well, we're arguing two different things here. They're a wedding one. I'm not saying they're not successful at it. So their brand is huge. It is very successful. I'm not saying that they're not a huge brand. Oh, you're saying it's not a compliment. If you're-

I'm just saying that's a weird thing to say at a wedding. But they're trying to be- When you're complimenting a family, you're an amazing brand. I can see you guys whoring out all the other aspects of your private lives to- Well, listen, he himself has said he's not the greatest speaker. You know what I mean? Like the way it comes out doesn't always come out the right way. But for a family who's trying to be a brand, you know, that is a huge compliment.

Can I tell you something? Just- Goddamn, he's right. And I'm not trying to be a dick here. Oh, God. What do they do? What exactly do they do? Everybody always asks that question.

Well, it's a valid- What do they do? They have a TV show. They have various fashion lines and cosmetics and the whole like sort of lifestyle. I know what they have. They have retail stores. I know what they have. So that's what they do.

But what do they do? They run- They run- What do they do? They are the faces of their businesses. So they are reality stars. They are reality personalities who have then transcended the reality genre into legitimate million-dollar businesses, including clothing and et cetera.

And they, you know, that's- And they're spokespeople for various brands. All those pictures of them come out of Haagen-Dazs. They set around. The Haagen-Dazs we went to in Paris that they came out of. Haagen-Dazs is paying them for that. I know. So-

So they get money just to hold an ice cream cone. Which I'll take any fucking day of the week. Seriously. So let me ask you this. So let me- So let me- No, Haagen-Dazs. You love Haagen-Dazs.

If they were like, Bill Barr, $100,000. You and your wife come out of Haagen-Dazs holding an ice cream cone. No. No, you wouldn't do it though. No. I know. Because then- Because then you become them.

Then everything you say. I'm still of that. I'm still of that old school thing where- Look. This is the- This is- I've come to this point as far as what I think selling out is. Selling out is not something that the fans decide.

So I shouldn't- I'm not even a fan of this, but as an observer of them, I shouldn't say whether they sold out or not. It's- I really think it comes down to the performer. And basically selling out is when you don't want to do something, but you do it anyways because of the money, and then afterwards you feel fucking horrible.

To me, if that's what you feel like at the end of it, then you sold yourself out. You did. I don't think selling out doesn't- I feel like selling out isn't even a real thing anymore. I just feel like that's- How fucking crazy is that? Antiquated concept is that.

I feel like there's no- The idea of selling out- Yeah, there is. I don't know. It doesn't- I don't- I don't feel that it really truly exists anymore. Oh, okay.

There's just different platforms for artists to make money, and you know, your time can come and go very quickly. So if you can get $100,000 for holding an ice cream cone and getting your picture taken, is that really gonna like keep you up at night? Like, I can't believe I did that for the money. You know? No, I'm not saying it's going to-

I'm not saying it's not going to. I'm gonna say it was some people it is, and some people it isn't. Yeah, but you're very- But you are. You're very particular about where you choose to do any kind of advertising and stuff, because you care about stuff like that.

So I understand. Yeah, look, I mean, I do like advertising on this podcast. I'm not against it. I'm not saying that- I mean, Jesus Christ, I mean, that's how this whole fucking business- I mean, I got to advertise for my shows and that type of thing,

but it's like anything. It's like, hey, I like to drink. Then there's a point where you've drank too much, and you're making an ass to yourself. There are limits to everything. I'm not gonna sit here and be like, oh, this is like- I'm doing this grassroots thing.

I'm not saying that. But what I'm saying is, like, just that- that whole selling out thing, I think it still exists, but it's up to the individual. So I would never say that somebody- if I see somebody do a commercial, they sold out.

It would have to come from them. It'd have to come from them, where if they did it, and then afterwards they're like, oh my God, I was in all these great movies, and next thing you know, I'm standing there doing a cell phone fucking commercial. And when I saw it, I just felt like,

what did I do? What did I do to my image? Because this whole fucking game, you know, is constantly trying to stay ahead, so they don't fucking pigeonhole you, and then also not stepping on a fucking landmine, which is doing a bad movie or putting out a bad special.

There's all these different landmines that you're trying not to step on. But I definitely- I think that there's always- there's definitely ways that you can sell out. But like, the younger me, would you- you know, I bonded that whole Bill Hicks thing of like,

you know, if you do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, and I was hardcore believing that, and then, you know, just getting older, and it's just like, no, look, it's- it all comes down. Like, it's your career. You do what you want.

Look, there's people out there- Adam Levine does commercials for Proactive, but so do a lot. It's like, Diddy did one, Katy Perry does one. A lot of them do that whole, I had acne, and it made me feel really bad about myself. And now I am Proactive, and now I'm happy again. Yeah, and that's the thing,

they can all afford Proactive. So you're basically just going there to get paid. Right. And you're going to stay in there and hold it in my closet up to your face. Now to me, that would make me want to go jump off a fucking building. Okay, I felt weird when I first started

doing advertising on this thing, but what I- what I tried to do was like, oh, at least like, I'll try to make these things fucking funny, but I'm not against taking like, you know, advertising money. I guess if you really believe in it, like the shit that I've read on this stuff, the stuff that I believe in, right?

I fucking read it. And then if it sounds fucking stupid of me, Well, you know where you're going with this one. I just say it sounds stupid. What am I going? I'm just saying. It wasn't, you know, look, it was beyond Sherry's berries and nature's fuck.

There's some shit that didn't even make the podcast. There was one thing that I read when I wasn't even thinking one week. It was some fucking banker thing. And my buddy, you know, Andrew, who, you know, puts the whole, all the lists together and everything that I read, he was in banking.

He said, Bill, these guys, they're tricking people that doing this and they're going to fuck over your listeners. So I immediately took it off and I was, they were supposed to do a three week thing. And I had read one of them. And I just told my ad lady said, listen, just take them off.

That first one's a free one up. They don't have to pay me, but I don't want to read. I don't want to read because, you know, I don't have time to fucking look at all of those things. So sometimes I will read something that I don't believe in. And then if I'm smart enough

and I catch it as I'm reading it, I make fun of it. That's what I do. I make fun of it and say, it's shit. And then they get mad and they yell at me or yell at my ad lady. And then we just go, all right,

well, we're not going to fucking, you're not going to be on the podcast then. It's cool, which is funny. So you can't get fired off of your own podcast. So look, I'm not saying that like, you know, I don't want people thinking that I'm sitting there saying that I'm this righteous fucking person.

I'm not saying that, but there's definitely, you know, there's always, there's always selling out. There's, oh, and unless you just completely don't give a fuck, you never gave a fucking just like, look, if you're going to pay me, I'm going to fucking do it. Then, then I, but I,

I feel like it's less about selling out and more about like survival and more about like, you know, let me just sort of hit everything. No, if you need the fucking money, if you need, look, if you're sitting there in a house and they're going to throw you out and then Kit Kat comes up says,

Hey, we want you to wear a thong and go down a water slide backwards. I mean, you got to sit there and be like, ah, fuck man, I got to do it. I mean, I can't be out in the fucking street. Maybe it's not their first choice to, you know, be paid by Haagen-Dazs to come out of, but he's also,

they're also having a, you know, a wedding and or whatever in Versailles and that's just got to be paid for. Listen, so Haagen-Dazs paid for that. Look, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that, that if you do that, you sold out, but I'm not saying that if you do it, you didn't.

It all depends on the person after they did it. After they fucking did it, how did they feel? If they thought, fuck, that was great. That was easy money, blah, blah, blah, and they continue on, then I don't think they sold themselves out. I really, at this point in my life, I feel like selling out is a personal thing

and as much as fans will accuse of you, of a person of it or whatever, that it's just speculation because it really comes down to the person like, like a lot of musicians now, I mean, because the whole star making thing went away, there is no MTV, there is no videos, there aren't these labels in these CD stores now,

it really is on your own. It, you know, back in the day, when I was growing up, if your music was in a car, and it was in any commercial, you were a fucking sellout. And like that really, like people would just say, he's a fucking sellout, he took the corporate buck and all that,

it was a really thing because there was all these other ways, I think then, where you could still be this big person, be like this pure artist, uncorrupted by the system that you're trying to get into, and that's kind of the whole fucking point of it. See, now that, I disagree with it. I disagree with that because what you're saying is,

either you're a fucking whore, sucking dick, or you're this lonely bastard, rather than you can be in a healthy fucking relationship. There's plenty of people that look, there's plenty of people that are in this business and they just do their movies, so they just do their TV show. There's a zillion people that,

and you don't see them going like, I'll tell you when I come home from work and I want to relax, I fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There's plenty of people that don't do that. And I'm not saying that they're any better than the people who decide like, yeah, fuck it, I'll take the money to go do a product. I actually like that product or whatever.

I'm really saying that it's an individual, it's an individual thing. All right. How you want to be perceived, you know, how you want to go about this business. And I think the more that people do it, the less it's going to have like that stigma. Like, I mean, you see a lot of these movie stars

that are doing it, the commercials now, it's because people stole movies. So right now, basically the only movies that they make, it's this shrinking puddle. The only movies that they make now are either those $100 zillion transformer Godzilla things where even though they're going to be on a pirate bay, people still will hopefully want to get the experience,

or it's going to be a low budget thing. The thing that got killed was the $30, $50, $60, $80 million movie. Those things are gone. Not totally, but if you get like a Martin Scorsese behind it, you can get the thing made. But like, I don't have the exact numbers. I was talking to my agent about this, because I'm seeing a lot of movie stars

all of a sudden going back to doing stand up. I'm seeing a lot of them doing like commercials and all that type of thing. It isn't necessarily because they want to, it's because the business has changed and is going in the direction of the music business. Well, so then, yeah, so then I, to that end, then they, I don't think they can be accused

of selling out either, you know, because of everything that you said. I don't think you can, you can accuse anybody of selling out, but the only person who knows, I feel, is the person who did it. If afterwards, when you fucking, you walked out of there, if you felt like you needed a shower, if you just, you know, you're sitting there and drag fucking whatever the fuck you're doing, whatever job it is that you're doing.

And believe me, I've had those. I just don't feel like it affects people's brands or images in that way anymore. Like, I just don't. No, I don't either. I don't either. People thought like Kanye, even getting involved with Kim Kardashian,

let alone marrying her and singing the praises of her and her family was going to like destroy his fan base. No. No way. It's not happening. If anything, it's going to make it even bigger. Here's one for you. This is how much this business has changed with the perception.

Back in the day, if you were a movie star, you were a movie star and you did not do TV, that was considered a major fuck up. I mean, you could start in the business doing your commercials. And then once you got to the TV level or something, it was really hard when you were a TV star. Like they wouldn't even, oh, people see you on TV. You are this, you are that.

You know, you're a commercial actor, you're a movie star, you're a TV star. And then, you know, over the years, it started to like, you know, I mean, it was still, it was an amazing thing back in the day when a guy like Bruce Willis went from moonlighting and then he did die hard. And all of a sudden, he was this fucking movie star. I mean, that was, that was like,

that was still an amazing thing to do. And now it's like people jump back and forth, which I think is a cool thing. But way back in the day. It's smart. I haven't always on a TV series. Who is that, who is that, that actor, that actress, we went, we went to that party and turned out,

she had lived around the corner. African American actress from like the thirties or forties dated that fucking Dorothy Dandridge. Yeah. Now she dated this guy or married this white dude who had a fucking supper club. Yeah. And he marries her and is convincing her

that she should go down there as a movie star and sing at his supper club in Hollywood. That is not going to be filmed. Nobody's going to see it. And all of her friends begged her, don't do that. That's going to kill your fucking movie career. If you as a movie star are seen singing in this supper club and shot a love for this guy,

who turned out to be not a good guy. She did it and it actually hurt her movie career. So back then, you know, like, like how hardcore those lines were back then, I don't think that that exists anymore. But I, I have to tell you though, there are certain people that I don't want to see doing a fucking Snickers commercial.

All right. Yes, I know. Yeah. How did you feel when you saw Joe Pesci in the Snickers commercial? I didn't mind. It didn't hurt my opinion of Joe Pesci. It was funny.

He was in it for like two seconds. This is, but those things are well written in the way it is, is what they're actually saying is, you're not yourself. So there's almost this way that they, it's a really slick way to get the celebrity in and out where they, they don't, they can just sort of not have to take a full shower,

just sort of dab their forehead, take their bag of money and leave. Look, I'm not saying I would never do one of those, but as of right now, like I just feel like, I don't know, I like telling my jokes and I like doing the acting gigs that they give me. And I think that at the end of it all, you want to have quality.

You want to have quality and I don't, and I just always, I always feel like when something that comes down the pike, that is just a money fucking gig, there's always that, okay, I could take this or I could just do a couple extra weekends of standup and I could make up, you know, some of that money. And then I don't have that, but I mean,

we all got our fucking shit when we were coming up. Everybody's got some student films and shit to eat. Like that stuff, I don't count, but I really feel that, you know, but I, at the end of it, I thought I just, I just feel it's a personal thing. They're like, look, there's, there's people who, they get sick of doing the road.

And it's like, I don't want to fucking go out there anymore. I don't want to fucking deal with the check spots. I don't want to deal with the drunks out this year. I just, I just, I don't want to get on another fucking airplane. Okay, I've had it. The old me wanted to do that. I did that and I proved that I could do that.

If you want me to go do a fucking commercial and take this fucking money and I'm a day and a half, and it pays my mortgage for the year, I'll do it. And I don't think there's a fucking thing wrong with that. There you go. Okay. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. There you go. Unless, unless afterwards you feel like a filthy fucking whore.

Yeah. So, well, for me, like I, yeah, and I completely understand that. I think for me, I think I had to sort of come to terms with the fact that like I am just like a pop culture. Like I want to see all that stuff. So in a way, I'm glad that like they're all out there and their pictures are being sold to people magazine

because I want to fucking see the wedding. I want to see like who wins and what they're wearing and what the castle looked like and all that kind of stuff. Well, this is how I feel about that show. This is how I feel about that show. I find that show depressing. I find it unbelievable. Keeping up with the Kardashians.

I find it depressing when they're dealing with depressing shit. Otherwise, it's like kind of mindless entertainment. I find the whole fucking thing. The stuff with Lamar. I find that whole fucking thing walking around in your expensive shoes and your flashy bag and this whole perception of this life that you're leading.

I find all of that. I don't know why. I look at it. I find it gross and I just find it depressing. I'm not saying that somebody shouldn't live that life and if that's what makes them happy, it makes them happy. Anytime I've ever gone to those fucking things. It's all like it's aspirational.

It's just like it's like a fantasy thing. Everyone wants to sort of live in a world where they're in a movie or in their magazine. You know what I mean? It's just part of the fun of it. I'll tell you, as far as cars. I fucking love cars. But I think it's so much more cooler what they do

on those shows where they take an old car fast and loud and what they do. Because there's an artist street of that. The stuff that they do. For everything from the deciding of this car, can we bring this thing back to life? And then just seeing the old technology and then seeing what Aaron does to upgrade it.

And then the whole art of Richard trying to flip the whole thing. I mean that to me is way more compelling than just going down to the lot being I'm super successful. So-and-so has one of those. Let me get that and let me get that and fucking this color and let me get the fucking Lambo's fucking suicide doors. And then I'm gonna call the paparazzi and I'm gonna go to where the fuck they're at

and I'm gonna have decked out head to toe and the sunglass people paid me to wear it and I'm gonna step out and then act like, oh, why are you here? That shit to me is I find that gross. Yeah, it's definitely an element. But there's an art to everything. So I'm sure that there is an art to doing that.

And the fact that like people are what, like they are, they have become successful just by showing themselves on TV at not, as you said, not doing anything, quote unquote, not being actors or singers or anything like that, just being themselves. And they have built this like sort of empire off of originally a notorious thing that happened.

It's, I don't know, is that not impressive? Are you not entertained? No, no, no, I'm not saying what they did was bad or anything. I just personally, when I watch it, I just think it's gross. I think it's gross that somebody's daughter and she made that fucking video. And if what they said was true that her mother, like, I don't know if it leaked out and then her mother

did like the most amazing spin job ever. I feel like I think that's, to me, that's what happened. This thing got out. I think that that's the story they tell. Because a lot of people have had sex tapes. How do you know she wasn't like, Kim, get on your knees and suck that dick. We have to get out of this part of town.

But Anna Silton had a sex tape and it didn't, she didn't sort of go off to become this thing that, you know, her former friend was. She's not at the level that Kim Kardashian was. No one gives a fuck about Paris Hilton anymore. No, no, no, that's irrelevant. She was the original. I'm bringing nothing to the table.

I'm just showing up to these events. She was the original. Yeah, of course. So what happens is, is just like, you know, somebody sets the bar for guitar playing. Somebody comes along and has to, has to outdo that. She set the bar for empty headed, skinny bitch going to a club who's got more money

than she fucking needs. So then Kim comes along and is like, well, I got to outdo that. So then metaphorically suck in the dick. I will literally suck it and, and, and, and God help. But she was already famous when she did it. That's the difference. She was already famous for doing nothing.

Where Kim wasn't famous for doing nothing and then became famous for doing nothing. Wait, I wanted to ask you about one other thing really quickly. Well, I have, I have advertising to read. Oh, you do. Speaking of which, let's go into your lovely advertising. I want to talk to you about Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. This is almost a fucking two hour podcast.

I got to get out of here. Is it too long? Well, it depends on how long somebody's ride is to work. Well, you know what? I want to hear from you guys. I want to hear from the fads. Those are cold. What do you have?

No, calm. Let me know. What the fuck did the ads go? Did I finish them all? Um, oh, here it is. I want to hear what you got. What do you guys think is selling out? You know, what do you think that selling out exists anymore?

Like I don't feel like it really is a thing anymore. Well, I think also if you grow up just seeing movie stars doing commercials, I don't think it's like a big deal. Let's think about them too. I mean, you know, these last five years has really changed because it was funny when you were in this country, you didn't see movie stars on billboards and shit like that. And then you went to Australia, you go to Europe.

You see like Leonardo doing the tag Heuer fucking things and all this shit. And way back in the day, oh my God. Bradley Cooper doing ads for a Haagen-Dazs actually, his picture's there. He might not be coming out of the thing like Kanye and Kim. He might not actually be coming out of the store. I have to be honest with you when I think about that. When I think about that, it's like, how much fucking money do you gotta make? You're fucking the star of those, those, the three hangover movies.

You got money for life. Yeah, but why not make that life? But why not do that and add to the income? Because I look at it, keep it going. Because when you eventually, like you said, I want to keep doing movies and acting as well. No, I get that. Listen, listen. I always say when this business is finished with me,

they probably have that same mentality. I know. This is my deal. I look at it like, okay, so you do all those movies and you're not getting any more movies. Then you fucking do them. Fuck it. I'll do a commercial. Then you do it. But when you're fucking up there, I mean, the guy was just in,

then he was in another movie that was up for like best picture and people won Oscars. You gotta, you gotta, but the thing is, you'll make more money doing it while you're the big star. So it doesn't make any sense to do it after you fall off because then they're like, here's five grand, take it or leave it. And you're like, fuck, I gotta take it. No, take it now. Bank it.

Well, I don't know about that. I feel like that's a, that's a smarter business decision. Not to wait until you're like, nobody wants you anymore. And then you'll hold an ice cream cone like, hi. But then no one even fucking cares. That's the other thing. You know what? I would love to talk to a movie star and ask them how they feel

about, about sitting there with an ice and looking at the spoon. You know what's funny though? I just look at it as another acting gig. I think, I think Kim came out with ice cream. Kanye was just in there, but he wasn't holding it. He wasn't photographed holding anything. And then like her mom has a picture holding and her sister has one. So I think Kanye was like, all right, yeah, I'll go in there with you,

but I'm not fucking coming out here with the ice cream cone. Can I ask you a question though? I'll do it because I love you. Can I ask you a question? I've been involved in this. Does any of that make you want to buy Haagen-Dazs ice cream? Like it's not like I'm sitting on the fence going, you know, I don't know about that Haagen-Dazs.

I love Bradley Cooper. What flavor is he eating? Jesus, get me three pints of it. I think it's supposed to be more subliminal than that. All right, let's, let's just fucking read these so we can get out of here. Evoise everybody. That's my turn to whore myself out. This is, this is my Haagen-Dazs ice cream right here.

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You know what's funny about this? I was just thinking as I was reading that. Was that later on in my career, right? When it's all fucking said and done and they are done with me and I'm doing a stagnant bar commercial, people will take the audio from this. Absolutely. Yeah, but I never said that it was, I said it was an individual thing. I will tell you this and I can tell you without a fucking doubt,

as far as I feel that if I ever did one of those, that I would, I don't know how I would be able, I mean, I guess you change every four, five years. You know, I guess as you become an older man and you just don't want to fucking go out there anymore. I like how you change your physicality when you say older man. You're such an actor at heart. You just kind of like bent over, made yourself physically an old man.

Come an older man. Yeah, you just, you're like, you know what, you win. I eat candy bars. I like this candy bar. I don't give a fuck. If you want to pay for my prostate exam this month, go ahead, do it. No, the fear is that, yeah, the business will be done with you and you're not going to have anywhere to turn.

So yeah, but I have no, but I make your money and hopefully you could. Oh, but there's other plans you can do. No, you pay your fucking house, you buy a house you can afford and you pay the fucking thing off. And then the next thing you do is you go out, you buy rental properties and then you don't fuck those people over, but they help pay that thing off. And then in the end of your life, if you got a problem,

you can sell one of those fucking units. That's what I want to do as opposed to going on and sitting there with an amazed look on my face as the microwave popcorn is popping. Okay, but this is the thing. Actually, I shouldn't even say that because there's so many commercials that I think are so funny and great. And I think the performances are way better than they used to be, but I guess the nightmare is, you know what it is?

You just don't want to be in something that sucks, that's fucking cheesy. Maybe that's what it is. But that's a chance you take with every movie or TV show you do. You don't really know as an actor unless you are like the director or a producer, not just a name, but a real producer on it. You have no idea how it's going to go. So you will go into a movie like this is going to be awesome. Yeah, you think this is going to be so funny.

Script is a great director writer, boom, and it comes out and it's trash. But you're telling me that that same, do you think that same thing happens when you get the copy for the Zagnut bar commercial? No, but at least you know what you're getting into. On paper, this looks good. No, but you know exactly what you're getting into. You know exactly the purpose for this thing. No, you don't.

You don't know exactly what you're getting into. Yes, but you're selling the Zagnut. I can't believe you said Zagnut. You're so old sometimes. Heath? Snickers. Fifth Avenue? Fifth Avenue.

Payday. Payday, kind of marathon bar. I just still make commercials for Payday, I think. But anyway, yeah, you know more what you're getting into. No, because you have no power on how they're going to edit it. You don't know who's fucking directing the goddamn thing. You don't know if the editors could be good. But you can go there.

It was a commercial for Zagnut, as opposed to, wow, this is really something that I was really believed in. It's unfortunate that I didn't, you know, you didn't get to see what we really did. Speaking of that, how many people's careers were ruined by that one Batman movie? Which one? One of the one with the chick with... Val Kilmer? Meow.

The one with the girl with Meow. Oh, no. No, she played Poison. Oh, no, no. He checked him Scarface. Michelle Pfeiffer? No. And then the guy doing the fucking...

The guy doing the TV show with LL Cool J. Chris Christensen. He played Robin. Chris O'Donnell. He played Robin. His career wasn't ruined. He's on that CSI or whatever. No, it was.

He took a major fucking hit. He didn't write that goddamn movie. I know, but now... Wasn't his fault. He was playing the boy Wonder. Very successful CSI, and he's doing all right. I know, but he... He hung in there.

Yeah, but he was on the fucking ropes because of that movie. Yeah, well, you know. What, what? No, I'm just... I didn't know what my point is. I'm just saying like that. All right.

What are you getting at? I'm not trying to do... A two-hour podcast is like seeing a 200-point envy again. Do we do an addendum later on so we can talk about... What does that word mean? Addendum? That's like an addition. Scott Willis.

Scott Willis. We can... What's this been over two hours? I don't think my listeners give a fuck about... What happened with Scott Willis? Well, she's a... She went parading around New York topless because she was in protest of Instagram

cutting out her account because, you know, she was wearing a sheer top and a shoulder nipples. And that's been a thing where people's nipples or whatever have been on Instagram. Like they shut down Rihanna's account because she posted some pictures from a magazine. She's like a French magazine shoot she did. And then this editor at Vogue named Grace Cottington

just put a picture, like a stick figure thing with little nipples on it and they shut down her account. They gave her account back because it was ridiculous because of the cartoon. But this whole thing now where Instagram is like, you know, cutting people out for excessive nudity and shit. So Scott Willis in protest, quote, unquote, went walking around topless in New York City

and had her picture taken and stuff because she was like, I just got my breasts reduced. I feel good about myself. And, you know, Instagram is shaming people. And I think it's the most ridiculous, non-cause ever. Like really, Scott Willis, the daughter of like famous movie stars, you're really being oppressed by Instagram because they want to shut down the fucking nipples.

It was the most insane, ridiculous thing I'd ever seen in my life. What do you think about their, uh, no nudity policy? I mean, I mean, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, no nudity. Sure, fine. I feel like I still see plenty of like booty shots on it. Yeah, that's like YouTube. It's like, you know, there's a certain level of hordom that you can go to

and then they stop because they're trying to protect their image. Yeah, exactly. When they're trying to become a porno hub. Exactly. And they've got all kinds of young kids on it. So they're trying to be mindful of that too. They don't want it to be where your parents are like, don't use Instagram.

You can show your tits in a zillion places on the fucking Internet. That's just like, you know, I talk, I wouldn't talk like this in church. I might let it on hold easy during somebody's speech. But, you know, right? You got to respect it. It's Instagram. That's that.

That's their church. Well, yeah. And that's what the girls away. I don't, I don't, the thing is though, she's really trying to make it about censorship and you're shaming women and like men can go around. It's like you are not shamed or being like oppressed in any way. Daughter of famous.

Yeah, guys are being oppressed. Oh, guys are being oppressed. Because you get to look at man tits all the time. Oh, man. And I can't see, you know, that's all, that's all we're thinking about is man tits. Male, male pecs. Male pecs.

I'm sure you're, and I'm sure you're really like scared. How about pecs? About all the people ogling your, your, your pecs, right? You live sort of in that fear of. Oh, I hate going to the beach. I, I look like a piece of chalk that was somebody threw some cinnamon at. Flex some cinnamon. All I know is that it really annoyed me that Scout Willis had the nerve to act like she was somehow

being oppressed in any way because Instagram banned her account. What do you expect from somebody named Scout? What do you think they're going to fucking do? Their parents were movie stars. What do you think they're going to do? You know, even Rihanna is like, whatever, moving on and just has her Twitter account now. And she, and the thing is she wasn't even doing it. Like I'm doing it for Rihanna.

In fact, she's, I'm not going to try to act like all black people know each other, but is there any way you can get in touch with her and tell her to stop drawing on herself? Rihanna, her tattoos. Oh my God. Yes. No, I don't, I don't know Rihanna. So no, I would not be able to have her with her, with her air force tattoo that under her tits. Oh, it's like an Egyptian something. That's not an iron maiden powerslave album cover.

No, no. Then she has that little, uh, Fuck, she wants with her body. What's your problem? She has that little Psalm on the side. What's your problem with Rihanna having a bunch of tattoos? She's got a beautiful body. She has a great canvas for it.

Yeah, I know. And so you start scribbling all over it. Oh, but you're like anti, you're not completely anti. Tattoo, but you're kind of our anti tattoo. No, you know what I don't like? I don't like when somebody tries to write something fucking deep on, on their rib cage or their shoulder blade. Like, hey, the next time the butterfly flaps its wings.

You're talking about Megan Fox? Just no, I'm not. Oh, cause she had something about butterflies. We'll laugh at the gilded butterfly or something. Oh, Jesus. When the fire dances with the water on the butterfly wings. With that drunk Jim Morrison horse shit you got on the back of your fucking leg. I don't give a fuck.

Like, like, like just advertising that you, you understand life or some shit. Like I'm supposed to be like, wow, that person is deep. Yeah. Do you know tattoo artists don't like doing those things. They float. Yeah. Cause they feel like they say they feel like they're on punishment. Like they're writing like, I will not talk in class because they're just sitting there writing.

There's nothing creative about it. Yeah. Well, and that's, well, see, that's how I feel about Scout Willis. It was, I was very, my role, my eyes rolled in the back of my head. I was having a seizure. That's how we were at the two hour mark. We are at the two hour mark. I'm going to end this bitch fest.

Thanks for having me on the podcast on my birthday. Yeah, no worries. It's already 315 now. Half over. Notice it was half over at noon. Yeah. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital.

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