Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-20-19

Episode Date: June 20, 2019

Bill rambles while finishing his raw almonds. He apologizes for eating during the first 5 mins.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Sorry. Just seeing how your weeks go and how everybody's treating you at the office. I hope everything's good. I hope, you know, for all you ladies out there in that toxic male society, you know, you're not sitting at your keyboard and some fucking, you know, some privileged male comes up and just lays his cock right on your shoulder. I mean, as far as I can tell, that's what's going on out there. I worked in a lot of offices. I never saw anybody with that dick out, you know, but you know what that was because I had my head in the sand. But then my ass would be in the air and there'd be a dick in my ass at work. I don't

know. I've never been able to figure it out. So anyway, I haven't been doing shit but working on the acting gig here. I have no idea what's going on in the world. I did see that Whoopi Goldberg got a little bit of pushback. There was some famous lady and she took some naked photos of herself. And then she sent them to her boyfriend via the cellular airwaves there. But she also uses the cloud. Oh, and the cloud got overcast. Because somebody hacked into her account, saw the photos and then said, Hey, I got your fucking naked photos over. Why does he have to be Italian? I don't know. Hey, I got your fucking naked photos over here. If you don't give me a fucking five grand in a popsicle, I'm going to show them to the world. So then she took her power back. And she

put them out there. I think it's taking her power back would have been like, I'm going to show them. I don't give a fuck. That's what Madonna would do. She took her power back by by putting them out herself. So that fucking douche couldn't make any money. Oh, shit, my kid's back. I've closed the door before I start cursing here. Hang on, she's gonna take a nap. Hold on. Alright, so I'm back. Sorry about that. Anyways, door is closed. And dad can continue cursing here. So this is what here's a deal. They by her putting those out, that douche doesn't make any money. So that's how she took her power back. But here's my question. All right. Can't they just find that fucking person? Because now that she put the fucking photos out, you know, and she's like, I feel you

million. I'm so beautiful and everyone can see it's so hard, right? Like, do they not go after this guy? No. Why am I assuming it's a man? I don't know. I'm just assuming that just seems you know, some bald guy with fucking hair coming out of his ears. So anyway, so all this bullshit goes down. And people are feeling bad for the famous beautiful woman with the naked photos that the guy fucking, you know, I'm assuming the ugly male, even if he's good looking, he's so ugly on the inside, fucking put out there, right? So then whoopee goes, basically, I'm going to paraphrase here, which isn't fair to her, but I don't research on this part. This is a podcast people, I'm not held to any sort of standard of fucking quality. So whoopee basically goes, Well, look, you know,

that's sad and everything. But like, what the fuck are you doing as a famous person sending naked photos to yourself? You just got to know that that shit is out there. And that could happen. Don't fucking send naked photos to yourself. Anybody in 2019, if you want to do it, she goes do it with an old school camera and frame the shit. But even then, someone could just come up with a cell phone and take a picture of that. So I wouldn't do that either. So she got a bunch of shit for that. And I was just listening to it being like, that is exactly what the fuck my mom would have said. You know, and that I'm telling you, I'm going to I should do a bit on this, but that that right there, right in there, and she got all this shit for saying that. You know, and they were sitting there talking about

this woman taking her power back, I felt whoopee is empowering the victim here by giving her the truth and telling her like a solution. Don't fucking do that again. And I just think that kids nowadays, they all fucking grow. I just said kid. Now they I am old and I am 51. I'm officially well into my fifties. All right. It's my second year being in my fifties. All right. I've been old since the 90s. So I can say you kids today, like the way you were brought up was just they all listen to your feelings and you expressed your feelings and they their solution was to then be like to yell at the bully and try to get the bully to stop being a bully. And that literally goes to like nature where you want a tiger to stop acting like a tiger and turn it into a fucking house cat. You can't do it.

Oh, people try. They bring it into their house. They get wall to wall carpet. The Tigers like what the fuck am I walking on? And they think that they're going to come in there, right? And share, you know, share their green juice with this fucking tiger. And all of a sudden, it's going to get on their yoga mat and start doing fucking downward dog with them. It works for a little while. They're one day. One day they're a little late with the fucking 20 pounds of fucking raw red meat that they did. And that's it. And then then you're their dinner. All right. Bullies are going to act like bullies. There are there's just shitty kids out there and there's just shitty people out there. So you have to act accordingly. And it was something that I learned a long time ago, that you have the

way you wish the world was and the way it is. And you have to act accordingly. You have to get on the offensive with the good defense there. Defense wins championships. And one in my generation, we grew up, they just like if something happened to you, your parents were like, Well, what the fuck were you doing there? It's fucking two in the morning. You know, that's a bad part of that. You know, out there taking your money out. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? Don't fucking do that. Don't do that. You won't get smashed over the fucking head. My whole childhood was blaming the victim. But you know what, I learned definitely sucked. There could have been, you know, I'm not saying my generation, my parents, or parents from, you know, my generation did it right. But you know,

there should have been some more hugs in there. They should have been like, Well, I'm really sorry that happened to you. But what the fuck were you thinking that you know, you could have had like a little, you know, little surf and turf there, right? But they didn't they went and so now there's been like this overcorrection where they sit there and they just fucking listen and listen and listen and let somebody sob on their shoulders. And like, at no point can you say to the person, Hey, you're in the public eye. Don't send pictures of your fucking tattoos in your who are there. You know, here's another thing like what's stopping anybody from fucking Apple from breaking into your little cloud, like they don't know, like they're not looking at all of that shit. You know, sitting

there looking at Patrick Swayze's butt crack, he's not alive anymore, whatever the fuck you want to talk about. I don't know. I just assume all of that shit. I didn't assume it early on with cell phones. But for like the last 10 years, you're like, Oh, is that what they're doing? So then you just taper off, you know, with whatever you're doing, I still text crazy shit to all my friends. You know, I don't I think it all comes I think you know what it is, I don't honestly, unless you get famous, or you're truly going to affect change in a way that they don't want. I think the new convertible ride to Dallas, is they're just going to break into your phone. And they're going to just do a search for certain buzzwords. And they will end any sort of campaign you have for fucking

higher office or cause you have for reform. So basically what you're going to have to be is a perfect person. You got like your smart TV where they're fucking watching what you're watching, they got a camera up there that they can look at you, these fucking idiots are now getting that what was that fucking Hey, Siri, Siri, what color is the panda? A panda is black and white. Thank you, Siri. Right. And meanwhile, like, people are literally bugging their own house. You got to be able to say whatever you want in your house, you got to be able to be in your house and be like my boss is such a fucking cunt, right? You got to get that out of you. Not for the children. They need to learn. Right. You got to be able to do that.

But I'm telling you, like, these fucking cunts are going to take that information. At first, they're just going to use it for toothpaste and, you know, sell you their brand of fucking whatever. But then it's just not going to stop there and they're just going to keep selling it and they're going to sell it and sell it and sell it and I don't know. Eventually, it falls into the wrong fucking hands and all of a sudden you're going to do something good, you're saving the whales, you're protecting women's rights, whatever the fuck you're doing, you're doing something good, and they're going to come in and they're going to fucking ruin it. They're going to steer it in the direction they want to go. I feel that's my thing. So I was actually looking up on the

internet because you know, when you get like a laptop, you then you can like put the piece of tape over the over the camera or whatever. At this point, I'm assuming that your entire screen can be turned into a camera if you want to. So I was thinking like, and same thing with your TV, even if you put a piece of tape over the fucking the video camera, I was thinking like they got to have something where you just like they should have like this this fucking this screen that you make a screen with a cover that you can put all the way over your entire fucking flat screen all the way across your laptop. And then it just plays like, you know, that noise that makes sure when you want to fall asleep, like the sound of ocean waves

and all of that, you just do that. And then you and your wife can actually have a conversation near your devices, like Pesci and De Niro when they're walking around, covering their mouths in casino. Or what you do is you have a safe room in your house with no i phones, i TVs or any of that shit. And you close the door. This is like a sketch. And you just in the future, that's what you're going to do. You just go in and you have that room. You say whatever you're going to say. Everybody in the house walks around like they're the Brady Bunch, you know, or the perfect family, the Cosby family. Oh, Jesus, that's not a good reference at this point. The TV Cosby family. Okay, what they know in their personal life is their own business and the court systems of the

United States. That's what they're going to have like in the future. You know, that's what you're going to have to do. You know, but even then what they're going to then they're just going to have like, they'll somehow pass legislation or just get enough people addicted to a certain device that needs to be in every room. And then if you don't have it, it's going to cost you money in your business. And then you're going to have it, I got to be honest with you, like I, there's a lot of things that are fucking incredible about all of these devices. Like I love that MotoGP went off TV, but I can still, if I didn't have my laptop and an internet connection, I wouldn't be able to get to watch these incredible races, which by the way, I missed the last race in Jorge Lorenzo.

Fucking wiped out in some turn. Mac Mac has his teammate, Honda teammate was in first place. He took out, uh, DeVizio. So he took out, uh, uh, Valentino Rossi. And I don't know who the other guy was. Cal Crutchlow. I haven't watched yet. So I have no idea who that guy was. Somebody on a Suzuki. This guy, I don't think Cal drives a, rides a Suzuki. I have no fucking idea. Took all, like he was in, let's see, one, two, three, four, five. He was in fifth place. His teammate was in first, and he fucking wiped out in a turn and caused a domino effect that took out himself and the three riders in front of him. I would say that Mark Mark has bought Lorenzo a steak dinner that night, but I doubt it because,

you know, they're like jockeys. They got to make sure they, they are, uh, they don't eat too much. They're all fucking rail thin. So there's a lot of stuff about it that I like, but just that whole fucking spying on people and everything is just, I don't know. It's kind of weird. That whole corporate like mentality. Like, you know, they're sitting there talking about Brexit and shit. We're saying how it's going to have, you know, it's going to present new opportunities for organized crime, you know, to, to like, I don't know, bring shit into the country. And it's just like, as opposed to what? As opposed to what? Legal organized crime? You know what I mean? I guess organized crime is worse because they actually kill people, but so do corporations.

Corporations will have a defective car where the gas tank is too close to the driver and the driver burns to death. And then they'll sit in a room and do an algorithm and go, what's cheaper, changing the design of this car or just settling the fucking lawsuit. And more times than not, they settled the lawsuit. They're fucking murderers. You just right there are committing fucking murder. And nobody says a fucking thing to them. So I don't know, you know, as far as I hear from all the older acts and the older fucking blackjack dealers out in Vegas, things were better in Vegas when organized crime. They actually treated regular people better than these fucking corporate heartless fucking constu. So I don't know, it might not be the

worst thing. It also will make for some good movies. Because if you've noticed the mob movie kind of died, because I feel like legal legalized business stole all their scams. Like banking is is is that's just extortion. That's a loan sharking, right? Sorry, not extortion. That's legalized loan loan sharking. The lottery is just the numbers game that actually African American organized crime from what I've seen in movies, not like I read about it, came up within Harlem. You know, they run the docs, they do the whole fucking thing. They just took all their scams and all the smart mobsters eventually went legit. Like I always heard city bank was like a mob bank. This is all shit I've overheard in bars. So don't listen to any of this shit.

But like if you're a smart fucking criminal, what you're trying to do is take your bullshit and fucking make it legal. So then you don't have to hide the Lamborghini that you want to buy. You can drive down the street in your Lamborghini, your own politicians in the cops and all that, and they don't have to fucking run away from you when you get pinched. You can just be out in the open with your fucking blood money. It's tremendous. I have no idea what I'm talking about on this podcast. I'm just trying to fucking filibuster here and get a half hour as I'm doing my laundry. I got a day off from the movie today. And dude, I gotta tell you man, I am absolutely fucking loving Staten Island. You know, we got to shoot and place Danino's Pizza. And there was a Danino's

Pizza couple towns over for me when I was growing up, different one. But this is like that's one of the legendary pizza places in Staten Island. And then right across the street is this legendary Italian ice we shot in both places. I didn't get any of the pizza, but I had a little bit of the Italian ice and it's just fucking, it's beautiful over there. I really am really enjoying it. Reminds it looks a lot like, you know, some of the areas that I grew up in when I was a kid. And just having lived in LA and New York City, essentially, for the last 24 years of my life, I miss grass and trees, you know, and I miss space, being able to just fucking stretch out a little bit. So I got no complaints about Staten Island and the few people I met out there fucking

cool as shit. So who know, who know, the last borough for me to go to was the most chill. You know, I'm not saying it's 100% fire. I'm sure this day have their fucking moments. All right, every place does, especially now that there's a drug epidemic created by, you know, another pharmaceutical companies, right? There's another one they took over the whole drug game, the whole fucking drug game. It's all fucking legal. They're just peddling this shit out. People are fucking OD and great artists are dying. They're getting everybody hooked on it. They have all their top secret fucking files. None of the politicians can do anything about it because they're all getting paid by those cunts. You know, oh Jesus, Bill, you got on the tin foil

fucking hat today, don't you? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. What are you gonna do? It's been raining the last couple of days. So I'm doing my laundry right now. This is taking me back to the days of being a fucking single man. I'm here on the road doing my laundry and I remember there was nothing that you dreaded more than doing your fucking laundry, right? But there was nothing better than once you secured a dryer because that was the anxiety, getting a washer, you know, get the washing machine and then once you get out of the washing machine, hoping that there was going to be a dryer event. Once you got, once you secured a fucking dryer, there was, then it was just like, this is all over. This is all, but it sucked us back in the

day. I used to actually have to wait in the laundry room and I'd read the papers, the papers. I go to the corner, I get a little sandwich there, you know, be hanging out, you know, very rarely would just strike up conversation here in New York. But you know, this place where I'm staying, they actually have a way down in the basement, which is great. So I can actually leave, I time it out with my cell phone that's watching me right now. You know, see, it's not all bad. Little, little, little give, little take. You know what? My laundry is actually going to be done. I got to hit pause here. I don't want somebody down there stealing my underwears. How do you hit pause on this fucking thing?

Thought I hit pause. That's not how you do it. I got to hit stop. There's got to be a pause on this. Yeah, Jesus. You know what? I actually decided I'm going to go old school here. This is the way I used to do my podcast when I first started out. I never hit pause. And I used to call in this, this frigging service. She had to be quiet because my daughter's sleeping here. I'm just going to talk to you as I go down to the laundry room. I don't have time to hit fucking pause. So the other day, right, I went down, let me make sure I got my fucking key. I went down to the laundry room in this fucking asshole. He's probably my neighbor here. Fucking took somebody, I talked about this, right? He took somebody else's fucking laundry out of the goddamn machine, stuck

it in the basket. All right, can you believe that post Harvey Weinstein, who by the way, looks like he's going to get off, right? That Asia, what's her fucking name had to fucking recant all her stories or some shit. I just see glimpses of shit. Dude, how fucking sick is that if that guy ends up coming back to Hollywood? This is my prediction. If he doesn't go to jail, he comes back to Hollywood, he comes back in a blimp, just like a dark cloud, like comes a jet black. And he just glides slowly over the Hollywood hills, hovering in front of houses of celebrities that openly, what's the word? Said that they didn't like what the fuck he did or whatever. He's going to come back. You got defeated in the beginning. That was like Star Wars. And now

he's going to come back like fucking empire strikes back. All right, nice quick elevator. You've got to love a nice quick elevator. Okay. How are you? So can I walk by? You know what he looked like? He looked like a... All right, this is going to be... Now everybody's looking at me like I'm wearing a wire here. Oh, I'm an asshole. I forgot my fucking bag. God damn it. Now I have to hit pause. All right, I'm back. I've got my fucking laundry bag. Dude, what I was trying to tell you was a guy walked by me. You know, it's so funny. The second you're talking to a microphone, you forget that people can hear you. I'm going, this guy just looked... And he literally heard me go, this guy just looked like... And then I remember I forgot the bag. The guy looked like Tom Hamilton,

a combination of Tom Hamilton from Aerosmith, the bass player, and Andy Warhol. You know, I used to not like Andy Warhol. I used to be like, this guy's like the original fucking hipster, like painting soup cans and being like, I don't get it. It's like, okay, it's a fucking soup can. You're commenting on capitalism. All right, whatever. Kind of got a bunch of fucking runaways hanging around. I had no idea that that guy got like had a stalker who ended up shooting him. And then like 20 years later, he kind of died from complications of getting shot. I was just like, all right, like a lot of things that I shit on. I actually read up about him and I go, oh, looks like I'm just the asshole. So that's my call. Harvey Weinstein does not go to jail.

He comes back in a giant black zeppelin. And he slowly goes across the Hollywood Hills. You know, just pointing, you know, and he publicizes that that's how he's coming back. So all the celebrities will be all fucking shuttering looking out their windows and he just fucking points to each one that spoke out publicly against what he did. Then George Lucas brings back the Ewoks and he somehow gets defeated. That's that's my guess. Anyway, so the laundry's done. It's the best feeling ever. All my clothes are clean. That's it. And when you do your laundry, you got to go nature boy there, right? No socks, no underwear. You're going down there free ballin. Right? That's what you got to do to make sure

they're all fucking clean because I hate when you come back, right? And then everything's clean. And then five seconds later, you're done. You're showering off the laundry room and all the fucking public crap that you would just around, you know, and then there's a brand new pair of fucking underwear and socks that needs to be washed. Drives me up the fucking wall. So there you go. That's probably a lot more than you ever needed to know about fucking about laundry and whatnot. Alright, what else did I want to talk about here? Sober. Still sober. Still fucking doing it. Been laying off the sticks. Only had one cigar this week, which is good for me. I'm going out tonight with a bunch of friends. So I don't know,

whatever. I was like smoking them almost, you know, every other day. So, you know, cutting down there, cutting down, you know, I don't watch porno anymore. You know, I just stopped doing that. I got a brand new laptop, which was great to be able to bring that over and not have to fucking delete my entire web browser history, but knowing that they're going to be able to just fucking go in and see anyways, like Jesus, he's watching it almost every day. Anyway, this thing is smut free. I have a smut free laptop. Great. And I've only owned it for three weeks, but this is the longest I've gone with a laptop and it's been smut free. And I'm really not ashamed of anything that I've looked on on the internet. That's my new thing. This fucking

mustache is driving me crazy. There's a couple of hairs that when they grow out, they won't grow down. They grow back up into my nose and they tickle my nose there when I'm trying to be on stage and tell some fucking jokes. It's really, it's really affected my time in here. So anyway, been staying in shape, doing all of that type of shit. I'm just living like this other than fucking cigars, which I really have to lay off. You know, I unfortunately get a friend of mine who's, I don't know what's going to happen. I got to go visit them, but I don't know. I'm just fucking sick of having to say goodbye to people. I guess that's part of the eight. I don't know. It still seems way too young.

But anyway, let's try to keep it happy. Let's try to end the last, how many minutes I got left here? What do I got here? See four, six, twenty, twenty, I only got four minutes left. Hey, let's read some advertising. I got no advertising this fucking Thursday. I don't know what's going on. All of a sudden, you know, you say fucking start talking about jokes about what Harvey Weinstein in a fucking black zeppelin. And all of a sudden there's a problem. I mean, one of the highlights of this podcast is let, you know, you guys listening to me try to try and read out loud. Isn't it? What wasn't it? So I'm doing Skankfest, by the way. I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam Sunday night. Gonna be playing a song or two. And I'm going to have a great time

doing that. And then also Felicia Collins from the Letterman band. She does this jam every Wednesday night. I forget where it is. And it's looking like I'm free next week. You never know what the movie business. You never know when you're making one of them pictures there. Let me see if I can find out where that is. You should go see it either way. She puts together like the sickest fucking band ever. Here we go. Felicia Collins. Where is it? Where is it? What's going on? Felicia Collins. Where the hell is it? I know it's the cutting room. Is that what it is? No, that's March of 2018. I don't know. I'll find it. I'll look it up. I'll tweet it out. But she does this jam. I think it's in like the East 30s or something like that. I did. I looked it up on the Internet

there. I went on the interweb that I was bitching about. Let me see here. Felicia Collins. Jam. NYC. Wednesdays, right? Is that how you do it? Is that how you search for something? Okay. Felicia's jukebox live tickets. The cutting room New York City. Is that it? Wednesday, June 26. All right. There you go. There you go. Felicia's jukebox live. F-E-L-I-C-I-A jukebox live. Even if I don't go, you obviously should go. She has like the sickest fucking, she's a musician, musician's musician. Everything is on 10. Her guitar playing, her singing, her stage presence, her swag, the whole presence, present, her stage presence, her swag, the whole fucking thing. She's one of those people who's like, you had to be a rock star. There's nothing else you could do. So she

puts together this sick ass fucking band because live music, she was saying, is leaving New York City and she wanted to, you know, keep it going. So she has people come down there and she's nice enough to tell me, you know, I think they get sick of playing with great people and they're like, you know, it really honed our skills if we played with a fucking comedian who can barely play drums, if we can actually hold the song together while he butchers it. So I'll be doing that Wednesday, June 26th. And I'll be doing Skankfest Sunday night. My old pal Joey roses is going to be on it. Josh Adam Myers is running the whole fucking thing, Nick and the whole band, they're all going to be down there. It's going to be a great time. Definitely check that out. I think they're doing two nights.

And what else do I have other than that? I just been going around the city been doing spots. Oh, I got to tell this fucking story. I got to, I got to, I got to put together this fucking story, right? I got to tell this without fucking ratting anybody out. Okay, so last night, you know, I wanted to try out that Whippy Goldberg idea that I had that she reminded me of my mom, old school parenting. And what she said as much as it came off as mean is old school parenting, where you're, you're not just coddling the child, you're offering a fucking solution. So I wanted to do that bit. And I got off early enough. And I ran over to Caroline's and Caroline's the show was over. And I was like, fuck. So there's this other comedy club around

the corner that I'd never been to. And I was like, I was like, ah, shit, all right, I gotta, well, you got to figure out what it was. It was the fucking lol Times Square comedy club. So I was like, ah, fuck it. I'll run over there and I'll just do a spot there. I don't give a shit. All he needs a microphone, some people sitting there listening, right? So I go over the guy at the door, he goes, what's up? I say, I'm a comedian. And he goes, all right, he lets me in. So I've never been here. So I don't know anybody there. So I come walking in. I got my hat on my big stupid orange mustache. And the guy come, you know, I go into some kid behind the counter. And I just go, hey, man, is the show still going on? And he goes, yeah, I go, can I grab a set real quick?

Just want to work out some new stuff. He goes, what's your name? I said, Bill Burr. And he looks down. He goes, you're not on the list. And I'm like, I'm like, oh, shit, he doesn't know who I am. So now, now what do I do? You know, maybe I'll just talk to the hostess. I goes, well, the host here can I talk to the fucking house because I'm not going to fucking be like, I've been a comedy central, I get creepy a blend. I like, I was like, I'm not doing that. So I'm just all right, the host will see me. He's doing stand up. He's in the mix. He'll know who I am. Maybe he'll give me fucking 10 minutes, right? The host is unavailable. I go, well, who books the thing? I need to get a set. And then the kid looks at me, he goes, you want a set? Oh, you need a set. And you know,

I'm not good at math. So I'm like, I need a set. And he goes, I don't even know what's going on right now. He just thought I was some nobody. And I was coming in the man in stage time. He's like, who is this arrogant old bald orange mustachioed asshole, right? So it gets even better. As the lady comes out, she goes, hi, I'm the manager. And I'm looking at her like, huh? Oh, freckles been doing it almost 30 years. Nothing. Looking at me like I'm some tourist from Ireland. So I'm like, Oh my God, you know, and I'm tired, I got to get this set in. So she goes, I'll give you the number of the booker. And finally, I just, I swear to God, I was reduced to sheepishly saying, does selling out Madison Square garden coat? She barely glanced up at me

and kept writing the number. And I just said, I forget it, forget it. And I just walked down. I was like, ah, fuck, now I got to go all the way down to the seller. I'm old. I need my nap. So I'm riding down to the seller. And I was fucking pissed. Not because of that shit. That shit was funny. But what I was pissed about was I was tired and I just wanted to get on stage. And now I got to drag my old ass all the way down, all the way downtown where they know me, right? So like, ah, fuck, right? So I get in the cab. So I call up Keith Robinson and I said, Keith, I'm going to give you a lot of information here. Okay, because I know it's going to get out at some point anyway. So I want to get this trashing over with in the fact that I'm coming to you with the information.

I want this trashing to be quick. It's going to be can be as mean as it is, but just give me two in the back of the year. So I left the whole message on his cell phone and he was dying laughing. And he actually called the club up and he thanked them for not knowing who I was and sending my old ass fucking walking back out of the club. So there you go. I'm in New York and I got a hero size fucking sandwich of humility. So anyway, there you go. That's my New York story. And I have no and by the way, I got no beef against the the lol coffee club. I will fucking do a set there whenever they'll have me. Whatever was a funny fucking moment. Although I was I was grumpy about it. I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't say anything to the person. But when I left, it's

like God damn fucking clock sucker. No, you're gonna fucking get a fucking clock sucker fucking kid. You know, people looking at by the way, I have not been doing good with the anger because I haven't been seeing the fucking therapist for a minute, you know, because I'm out here. So I need to get back to that. You know, and my wife's like, Well, why don't you do therapy over the phone? I'm like, I don't know because they record everything because of the shit Snowden told us. And then somehow he got turned into a villain and everybody went back to fucking buying flat screen TVs and getting fucking Siri and bugging their own fucking house. Sorry. Anyways, that's the podcast, the Thursday afternoon podcast. Believe it or not, I'm going

to actually be watching the NBA draft tonight. It's not something I want to do. But I'm getting together with some friends to smoke a stick and they want to watch some Nick fans die hard Nick fans. So you know what I'm talking about? Bursey, right? Oh, by the way, when I washed my clothes, I found a $5 bill floating and you know, not floating, but all soak and wet in the in the washing machine. So I was like, God, it's all fucking wet. And I was just like, well, just throw it in the dryer. You know, who the fuck's going to look in there? Nobody gives a shit. So I threw the $5 in there came out was all nice and dry, ready to be spent. I felt like a fucking counterfeiter. All right, have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll, I'll see you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burd. It's the Monday morning podcast. Monday, June 20, 2011. How the hell are you? It's quarter to eight in the morning. My time. I got to bang this fucking thing out here in an hour because I got some people coming over going to be doing some work on my fucking apartment. Yeah, back in the day when my dog was fucking a crazy dog, we used to go we would leave to go do some things and then we'd come back and try to eat its way through the molding and the door and all this type of shit. And my girl was always like, we need to get that fixed. Why don't we get a fixed little guy? And what if we have company? And I was like, well, I'm not getting it fixed until the dog is not out of its goddamn mind.

So that was a that was a long process. The dog is not out of its mind. It's not out of its mind. It was nervous. It was scary. He's like, Hey, man, where you guys going? I want to go to man. What about me? I got a bad feeling about this man. Like that dude in platoon, right? He would my dog, she excuse me, she would freak out. But now we got we have her crate train. So we stick her in the crate. She sits in there. It's her own little world. She feels safe. And you know, he put the music on. She doesn't know if we're home. She doesn't know if we're not home. Worked like a charm. That's basically what we did. We put her in the in the crate. And we turn the crate around where the door is, you know, and you just have it pointed at the wall.

That prevented her from trying to get out. And then we had one of those little baby cameras, you know, if you have a baby, and you're worried that it's going to, you know, start stealing things out of your sock drawer, they give you those little fucking cameras to watch. We just used one of those. And anytime she tried to break out of the crate, we would come in and go, Hey, knock it off. Knock it off. Lay down. Lay down. Good girl. Right. And then what we finally ended up doing is we just that whole process we just put music on. So she doesn't hear us leave. She doesn't know if we're home or not. Every time she would start to get antsy, we would always poke our heads in going, Hey, knock it off. And then she just kind of

fills that we're just in a different room. But now she just lays there. She's fine. We can leave for hours. So yes, so now I'm finally getting the fucking work done. So I can have an apartment that doesn't look like I had a fucking herd of rats come through here. So anyways, yeah, they're coming here at like nine. So I got to bang this thing out here in an hour. And oh, do I have some shit to talk about this week? First of all, you know where I'm supposed to be today, people? I'm supposed to be a jury duty. Okay. And for the first time since I was out here, I was actually going to show up, you know, I'm in town here for the rest of June. The only thing else I have coming up is I'm doing the Greg Geraldo benefit on June 29th at the Wiltern Theater

with me and about probably another 15 other comedians. Jeff Ross Christ, when am I going to have that goddamn list? I'll have it next week right before the gig. It's going to be, it's going to be a great night. Obviously, we all loved Greg and we want his family to be taken care of. So all the money goes towards his wife and his kids. So great benefits. So anyway, so I'm in town for the rest of the fucking month here and I'm supposed to do jury duty. And I thought it was like the old school. All right, I got to go this day. So I'll go fucking go down there. And evidently, you're supposed to call within five days of getting the you have jury duty summons. So I didn't call in time, you know, so I called up and of course,

I can't get a person. Hello, you have called the Los Angeles Department of jury duty. If you're a fucking douche, press one. I had to go through all of that crap just to find out that I can't even go down there. And then they told me to pick another date within six months. So I say, I figured I'd pick, you know, around Christmas. So I picked fucking December 22nd. And they said, we are sorry, that is more than six months away. And I said, well, then go fuck yourself. And I hung up. All right, I tried. I was, you know, already I was to cook, fucking go do jury duty. I was going to go down there and one of those fucking goddamn, what do you call it, one of those dress shirts, you know, shirts you wear with a suit and tie,

you know, ones that have the short sleeve. I was going to go down there with one of those and a tie on some black frame glasses. I want to look like Michael Douglas and falling down. Just to see what trial I was going to get picked for. I was up for it. 12 angry men. I'm angry. I'm ready to fucking go down there. How the fuck you think he's fucking not guilty and going through that shit. I was up for it. But evidently, they have to know you're showing up. You have to call and confirm. And I didn't. So once again, once again, I have to worry if I get pulled over that that's going to show up. But fortunately, I live in Los Angeles. And one of the great

things about Los Angeles is there's so much goddamn traffic out here. You can't speed. I don't drink and drive anymore. So I don't know. I just don't see myself getting pulled over. Plus I'm a fucking white guy who looks looks like he's the guy who makes the chili at the firehouse. So I got that going for me. You know, my I'm going to jinx myself right now. I don't think I'll I'm ever going to get pulled over out here. So if they can't do that, then technically, I don't really have to go to jury duty. You know, and everybody has their little fucking ideas, dude, just go down there when you go down there, dude, you just say something fucking racist racist. People always say that just say go down there, fucking go all the only thing I don't like more

than blacks is to fucking Puerto Ricans. Don't even get me started on the fucking Jews, dude. You know, don't they know that you're just saying that at this point? I mean, unless you're down there and you're really dressed like Archie Bunker. You know, I think if you were a racist, if you truly were a racist, I don't think you would say anything. I think you would go down there and you would act like you weren't racist. And then you would be praying that you would get a defendant of a race that you didn't like. Isn't that what you would do instead of going down there? That's like selling drugs. Would you go down there going I sell drugs? You know, I think racists know at this point that they

probably got to keep their ideas to themselves unless they're at one of those clan meetings. You know, a bunch of douchebags sitting around with a fucking comforter thrown over your face, just fucking getting all sweaty under there, your face breaking out. You know, what's wrong with those people? Anyways, last week I discussed jerking off at work and evidently my web guy said, Bill, in response to the jerking off at work email, I counted 26 emails of people saying they have or currently do jacket at work. None of the stories were good. Just painting gross pictures. This is why I love the fact that someone else reads these fucking emails before they sent

them to me because I didn't have to read all of those. He said, but I figure you can do something with that stat. Most said they find bathrooms or do it while parked in their car if they're in the field. Oh Jesus. And then he goes, here's an article about Jimi Hendrix jerking it in the army on the smokinggun.com. By the way, I fucking hate the smokinggun.com. You know, just ratting everybody out. I read this whole thing. It's like Jimmy was in the army. He had to go clean up some fucking some barracks and he went in the bathroom and he's rubbing one out. He's in a stall. He's got the door fucking closed. So this other douche goes, yeah, we were supposed to clean up whatever and now he was gone for about 20 minutes. I then went into the latrine and saw Hendrix sitting in

the last commode. I guess because he could see his feet. How did he know it was Jimmy? Did he have his army boots like purple with some glitter on him? Already dropped an acid. He said, I thought he was sitting there sleeping. So I stood on a stool in the commode next to his and looked into his commode. Why didn't you fucking just knock on the door there? Don't ask, don't tell. Huh? Who the fuck is this guy? He goes, they're sat Hendrix masturbating himself. This is in 1962. Evidently this was still considered some sort of weird behavior. At that time Straubel, I guess that's his buddy, Straubel. There's a name that just really got fucked out of commission, huh? None enough men with the last name Straubel. They were all broads and they all got banged and they got

different names. At that time Straubel came into the latrine and I motioned to him to come over and witness what was happening. Is that what you two little fruits did? Come here, let's, Jimmy's touching himself. Why wouldn't you have the normal reaction? Either knock on the door or if you peeked over thinking you were going to make fun of him for evidently taking an odorless shit, you know? You would have peeked over in the second you saw him jerking off. Why wouldn't you you would have been like, ah, what the? Jesus, Jimmy. Oh my God, what the? Dude, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And just slowly backed out and then just, you know, spoken tongues like those fucking Jesus freaks trying to get that image out of your head. No, what does this guy do? He calls in old Straubel.

Hey, Straubel, come here. You want to watch another man fucking jerk as goddamn dick? You know what, Kowalski? I don't think I want to. Why don't you go fucking? Why don't you go sit in another one of the latrines and fucking think about what you just saw? God damn weirdo. So anyways, he goes, so evidently Straubel goes in there too. He took a look and then went back into the squad bay and started working again. Really? That was it. You guys didn't snicker. He didn't laugh. He went in there. Yes, I confirm private Kowalski that Private Hendricks is in fact jerking his dick. Then what you did, you went in and you told on him so you could get another shiny thing in the front of your shirt,

your fucking rat. That's what they should call the smoking gun. They should call it therat.com. Hey, isn't that ironic that I finally read something from the smoking gun when I'm actually supposed to have jury duty? Isn't that interesting? There was a lot of shit this week that fucking annoyed me. On the gas mileage thing, I brought up last week how I was watching The Goodbye Girl and she was standing, one of the characters was standing in front of a fucking Subaru and it got 39 miles per gallon and here it is 36 years later and my car only gets fucking a hybrid, only gets 41 miles per gallon. So this brilliant guy writes in and he goes and he starts talking about leaded gas and all this fucking how cars today are heavier. This fucking moron thought cars

today were heavier than cars back in the day. You know, like the 1959 Cadillac. I'm sure that that car was lighter than your average Toyota Camry. So anyways, somebody sent me, let me actually read this guy's response here. One of the many that I got on the gas mileage thing. It always blows my mind what people fucking respond to. So this guy ends up writing me, he goes, there are two reasons. Wait a minute, it's loading. Loading. I don't know, he gave me all these fucking reasons and I basically responded but so basically you're telling me, he basically said that it had nothing to do with money. It had to do with the weight of the cars and somehow the mixture of the gasoline that we use nowadays. That's why they just can't figure out a fucking way to get more than like

better than what's the highest you've seen? Like 40, 45. This guy tried to say, well, actually there are things that get 100 miles to gallon. They're scooters. Ah, what a moron. He goes, there's two reason why old cars have such highly high published gas mileage. For one, the EPA test simply used to provide higher numbers. Sir, they've been doing that right up until the last couple of years ago. In fact, the year before I bought my Prius, they were legally able to claim that it got like 50, I actually almost 60 miles per gallon before they cracked down on the hybrid and made them say actually 41. I'm aware of the EPA test. I'm aware that they do it when there's no headwind. I'm aware that most of the test is when they're fucking going 25 miles an hour and they only drive

the car 55 miles an hour for about fucking 30 seconds. I realize that the numbers are skewed. Okay. He said it's been revived several times over the decade. Yeah. So my Prius, your Prius would get like 70 miles per gallon on the old test. No, it wouldn't, sir. No, it wouldn't. It would get more like 60. That's what it did. Let's just say that it would get 70. Who gives a shit? He goes, where am I? The second reason is safety features. Check out the weight of your vehicles. Cars have gotten heavier. No, they haven't. My Prius is not heavier than a fucking Subaru in the 1970s. It isn't. Dude, I'm old enough to remember when cars actually had metal on their dashboard. They're all plastic hunks of shit now. He goes, cars have even 15 years

ago featured death traps when compared to the modern cars. No, they didn't. They've had the crumple free zones. They've had those crumple free. They've had those crumple zones for years. Sir, in 1988, I was coming home from a Christmas party, drunk off my ass, sitting in the fucking passenger seat of a Pontiac Grand Prix. We pulled up to a red light. There was a fucking Jeep CJ seven, the old school one sitting there. All right, we saw it. I saw it. The driver saw it, but the alcohol didn't quite see it. And we just sort of went, we were slowing down, but we didn't come to his complete stop and just completely rear ended this guy. All right, there wasn't a scratch on the fucking Jeep. This goddamn car folded up like a fucking

accordion. The engine dropped down underneath us. And I got, I didn't even get a boo boo. I just sort of, you know, I didn't have a seatbelt on or nothing. The car was designed to take 80% of the fucking impact. All right, you're sitting in your cubicle, just tossing these fucking numbers out. All right, so basically our response is, I'm saying it has nothing to do with money in the oil companies. So basically what you're telling me is that nowadays I can have a video conference with somebody in Brazil while my entire music collection is in my pocket on a phone that is also a camera and a video recorder. I can upload the content onto the internet and potentially have it viewed by every person in the fucking world, but we can't make a car that does any

better than 40 miles per gallon. So fortunately, you know, everything else has fucking progressed except for gas mileage. Dude, I'm telling you, they have the technology to get like 500 miles per gallon. They're just not going to fucking put it out because that's how powerful the goddamn oil companies are. They're right up there with the banks. You got the banks and then you got the oil company. The banks control the money supply and then the oil companies, they control energy. Okay, you control energy. You can, you control the fucking population. Do you know that they're actually out here? There's people, they're selling kits out here to have your own fucking windmill so you can get yourself off the grid. So then they

immediately passed the fucking law, General Electric, that General Electric had to come around and make sure that everything was safe. They had to get their fucking noses back in there. So because they can't have people disappearing off the fucking grid. You can't have people getting free energy other than the cost of the fucking windmill. You can't have them sitting there and every time the goddamn wind blows, it recharges a generator and now I don't have to work as much. If I don't have to work as much, I don't have to go into debt. You're getting yourself off of the fucking treadmill and they can't have that. All right, god damn it. I wish I was more intelligent so I could explain this better. But you know what? There's a great documentary. I'm actually going to

email this guy back. It's called The Gas Hole, Full Documentary. And they have everything from, they have everything from the urban myth of the water-powered carburetor, which this guy who wrote to me completely dismissed. He completely dismissed any sort of, that exists because he sits in a cubicle and I sit in a fucking bedroom. All right. And he tries to just say that's just another media hoax. Oh, you know, they said, do we beat Eisenhower or fucking like dumb shit like that? Okay. So this documentary, everything from like the urban myths that these water-powered cars existed, all the way up to actual, a retired scientist who worked for shell. You just have to watch this documentary. They were showing, there was a book out that claimed

that they could get 149 miles per gallon in the 1950s on like a Packard or a DeSoto. And by the 70s, this scientist who worked for shell said they had gotten it up to a thousand miles per gallon. All right. I don't know why people think that it's, it's absolutely impossible to improve the gas mileage. Some people feel that I don't know why people feel like we can't come up with anything better than the gas combustion engine. It's complete fucking bull. It's the same level of bullshit as that there's an actual difference between a Democrat and a Republican. Watch this documentary, the gas hole. We're going to have the link up on the Monday morning podcast. Just watch this shit. And I don't know what to tell you. Some of it looks like, okay, they have

this old guy going, you know, and this guy showed up and he had, it was a contraption made out of, you know, it was powered on water. And then he claimed that Shell bought the patent gave him a million dollars and then he could never fucking, you know, make another one. Now that's the kind of shit. Some old guy saying that he saw it on a salt flat in the 1950s. I'm not going with that. All right. I'm not that much of a fucking whack job. But when a guy who used to work for shell is coming out saying that type of stuff, it's just, it gets to the point like, are all of these people nuts? You know what I mean? There's no fucking way. I don't give a shit whether there's lead and gas, whether there's not lead and gas, how much the car fucking weighs or any of that

bullshit. There's no fucking way that in almost 40 years, you can't do better than two more miles per gallon. I absolutely fucking refuse to believe it. I fucking refuse to believe it. I think it's complete fucking horseshit. It's just another way to keep control of the herd. Now, if you want to argue that you need to keep control of the herd or there's going to be absolute chaos, so we have to keep cars down like that, I will listen to that argument. But if you're going to comment me and tell me that in 2000 fucking 11, okay, when I'm reading shit that in the medical field, they can now grow a fucking a new colon for somebody outside of the body. I read this thing on that Ted.com. This woman had a completely ulcerated large intestine.

So they took some sort of tissue car culture, whatever the fuck that means out of her disease colon, use that to then grow another one outside of her body. When they were done growing it, they took the old one out and put the new one in like she went down to mitis muffler and it totally fucking worked. Okay. Up until like five years ago, you were looking at a colostomy bag. You would have a bag of shit right under her fucking right titty for the rest of her goddamn life. Her social life would have been over. Okay. If they can do that, you're telling me you're still going to tell me they can't do anything better than about 40 fucking 45 miles a gallon. You're really going to sit there and believe that in your goddamn cubicle that they just can't fucking just

can't fucking figure it out. The only way I can get like a hundred miles a gallon is if I ride on a fucking scooter, you sir believe in Santa Claus. It just blows my fucking mind how some people just sit there and they believe that they believe that they're not even conscious of the amount of times that they themselves lie during the course of the day, that they themselves spin shit to try to try to advance their own fucking lives. Why would you think that a goddamn corporation would be honest? You know, this guy saying advances in your computing, your music collection and video conference are strictly due to Moore's law, excuse me, computing power roughly doubles per square inch every 18 months. That means since 1978, it's doubled 28 times. Yes, I understand. I understand

that computers have advanced. Why hasn't gas mileage? It's just fucking I and this is nothing too. So then he uses that same sort of ratio with the gas mileage. And then he goes back to what the fuck the gas mileage is in the 70 was is if that wasn't a fucking lie. I don't know. I give up. Sir, could you please watch this gas hole documentary? Could you please watch it? I know you're not a moron. It just frustrates me when people believe in corporations that they're actually doing the right thing, despite the fact the amount of times that there's been unclassified information. And then you find out kind of what's really going on. And every time it's, you know, it's usually some diabolical shit. How many corporations have to dump shit

into the water supply before you stop trusting them? You know, the goddamn fucking place where they make the iPhone, there's people jumping to their deaths rather than because that's a better option than sitting there making another fucking iPhone. And then people actually believe the horseshit that corporations say, well, unless you want that iPhone to cost $9 million, that's the only way to build one. Really? Or maybe you yourself shouldn't make $80 million a fucking year or whatever you're making. The reason why if you actually paid that guy a decent wage or that poor woman a decent fucking wage, the reason why then it's going to cost me way more money for the fucking iPhone is because you're not going to take a pay cut.

And the reason why you make the amount of fucking money that you make is because you're exploiting poor people who live in third world countries. That's why you make $80 million a year, not because you're fucking worth it. You greedy fucking cunt. Oh, I'm on my high horse this fucking week. All right, let's fucking try and lighten it up, everybody. You wouldn't know it, you wouldn't know it, but yet another Boston team won a fucking championship this week. Congratulations to the 2011 Stanley Cup champions, the Boston Bruins. I got to admit, as a sports fan, I didn't know that I was ever going to see it. I've been watching the Bruins since 1982. And going through all those Harry Sinden years,

where Harry Sinden was a great guy. He might even be in the hockey hall of fame for all. I know he's been around so fucking long. He just hated free agency. He fucking resented it. And we just never seemed to be making the moves. You know, or even when we had the team, they just somehow, we just, I don't know, there was all the years we could never get by the Canadians. And then when we finally get by the goddamn Canadians, we ran into those great Edmonton teams. And I don't know, I'm not going to be one of those guys who was like, dude, I called it. I knew there was something special. I didn't think we had enough. I didn't think, I thought because we didn't have a Crosby and a Vetchkin. We didn't have like that super, super star offensive player.

I still felt we needed that, despite the fact that we had Tim Thomas and you know, Lucic, Craigie, all these guys, Patrice Bergeron. I knew we had a great team, but I thought we were good enough to get to the Eastern Conference Finals. That's what I thought. And I thought when we went up against Tampa, I said, I believe I said on the podcast, I thought not only was Tampa going to beat us, I thought that they were going to, I thought that they were going to win the whole thing because I thought they had it. I thought they had it when they had Stamco, St. Louis, the Cavalier. They had a great goal tender to just look like they just had that momentum thing that I had seen every fucking year. The Bruins would go

to the playoffs. We'd run into a team like that. And I have to admit, I am absolutely fucking stunned. I can't believe we won it. And I screamed like a little girl. When we, when I, when I figured out that there wasn't enough time left for Vancouver to check, to catch up. And it was right before Brad Marchand scored the empty net goal. We were up three to nothing. And I believe there was about five minutes left. And it just seemed like Vancouver couldn't get it past center ice at that point. And I screamed like a little girl. I was like, Oh my God, they're going to do it. They're going to do it. Oh my God. I was freaking the fuck out. I was working, I was in the Chicago theater. I just done one of those anti social network

tour shows with Jim Brewer, David Tell and the mastermind behind the tour, Jimmy Norton. And it worked. I was so fucking freaking out that I was going to miss game seven. I'm like, what are the fucking odds, you know, that I would have a Wednesday gig, a Wednesday. I never work on Wednesday. I might travel on a fucking Wednesday, but I'd have a gig. Well, it worked out where I ended the way it timed out. I got brought on stage with about two minutes left in the first period. No, wait, I actually went on during the intermission between the first and the second period. And by the time I got off stage and, uh, oh, by the way, I was so into the Bruins games, I didn't even take a look at the theater, which is something I usually do before I went out on stage

just to kind of get a feel for the room. And that was pretty, pretty breathtaking. I don't know if you guys have ever been to the Chicago theater, but it looked like half of Royal Albert Hall. It really looked like whoever designed that definitely took some nods from that place. It was absolutely one of the most beautiful theaters I've ever been in, um, here in the States. Royal Albert Hall will, I think will always be the greatest one I ever went to. Um, that's in London for anybody who didn't listen to my podcast when I went over there. But anyways, um, just absolutely gorgeous theater went out there, went out, had just a great set, did my time, and ran off stage. And when I came up, I think there were about six minutes into the third

period, which was actually a great thing. Cause when I watched the replay, Vancouver had the puck in our zone for like, it felt like the first 10 minutes of the period. So I, I avoided aging another 10 years. And, uh, I think it was one nothing at that point, then two nothing, then three nothing. And, you know, Boston fan, I was beaten down for so fucking long. I still always wait for the other shoe to drop despite the unbelievable amount of success of our teams in the last nine years. And, uh, I was just thinking, okay, they're going to come out on fresh ice in the third period. Please don't let him get a quick goal. And like I said, once it ticked down, there was like 10 minutes left. I started getting that feeling and, but it wasn't until five minutes

left that I finally gave into it. And, uh, and there was this other Boston fan going, when they were up like two, three nothing or two nothing, he was like, dude, it's over, it's over. He was one of those guys that I'm like, dude, you're going to fucking jinx it. I still had some of that old lady in me, but, um, I can't, I can't fucking believe it. Absolutely cannot believe it. And, uh, watching them go, watching Charis skate over, looking back at the rest of his teammates before he picked up the, the, the Stanley cup was one of the greatest things I ever saw. And, uh, it was just fucking awesome. It was fucking awesome. It's the best trophy in sports. I gotta admit, I think I actually enjoyed this one better than the Red Sox

beating the Yankees in 2004. If you can fucking believe that, how satisfying that was. Yeah, I just liked because it's just a great sport. And I also liked that there wasn't any of that cartoonish, you know, curse of the babe, horseshit. And now they don't have to go talk to fucking lobster fishermen tying sailor knots. Like, you know, I just, I don't know. It was fucking awesome. My condolences to the Vancouver Canuck fans. Um, I know what it's like to lose a game seven in the, uh, in the playoffs, but not in the finals. That must have been absolutely devastating. And, uh, I actually had a hookup for tickets, if you can believe it. And I was really bummed like, fuck, I could have gone, but I gotta admit, man, after watching that writing afterwards,

I was actually psyched. I didn't go. That was absolute insanity. And, uh, I know people in Vancouver, I know what you're going to say. Like, listen, don't define us by a hundred thousand bad apples. What the fuck is going on in Canada? All right, I'm down here in the States. And, according to Michael Moore and his goddamn documentaries, Canada is this fucking utopia. They have night nationwide healthcare. You can leave your doors unlocked. Uh, you know, you can fucking go up and pet a moose right on its nose. Everybody's so goddamn friendly up there. I was talking about this last year when I did the Montreal Comedy Festival. You know, if it's so fucking friendly, why do you guys riot? Like full on fucking riot. It's not like you

you lit a fucking trash can on fire or you jumped up and down on a couple of cars. You started attacking stores. I mean, you took it to a whole nother fucking level. You know, I don't know what, why does America the only one that has that reputation? I actually watched, you know, Vancouver, the last time they had a riot was when they lost to the Rangers or a riot to this magnitude. Of course, I didn't do enough research was in 1994 after they lost to the fucking New York Rangers. You know, and there's a great, there's a great YouTube clip of it with where the lady, the lady on the news goes, um, she was talking about how, how shocking this footage was before we go to it. It's very shocking and blah, blah, blah. And this is the type of thing that you would

expect to see in America, not in Canada, which is funny because we're all in America. We're in, we're in North America. What you should have said was the United States. She goes, basically this is the type of thing you'd expect to see in the United States. And I got pissed for half a second. And I was like, well, you know, she is right. I mean, it was right after the fucking LA riots. And, uh, but this is the thing, Vancouver had a riot in 1994. So I looked up, you know, riots because I knew Montreal had some riots. Montreal rioted in 2010 and 2008. Both, both times they rioted was after they won games. They won games and they started to burn down their city. And like I said, it's not like it's like 40 fucking people, you know,

going around, you know, tipping over trash cans and doing some sort of misdemeanor writing. This is full on tipping cars over. I mean, it was, it was fucking, and then in Toronto, they had a riot in 2010 at the G 20 riots. Now that one is a little more understandable. G 20 evidently is 20 banks from around the fucking world that are trying to get together to solve the, uh, the economic crisis. They're trying to solve it. Now I'm sure that guy who believes that, uh, oil companies are not involved or not throwing any, they're not going on buying up patents by people who are inventing more, uh, efficient engines. Why would they do that? Just cause they have billions of dollars and it's financially in their best interest

to keep gas mileage down as low as they possibly can so they can all make more money. Why would they do things like that? You never noticed that every once in a while, inventions come out. You're like, holy shit, that's going to fuck over that industry. And then they kind of disappear. Do you remember that shit on TV just for 1995? Like disposable razors, one of the most, one of the biggest fucking scams on the planet. Not only the fact that there's no way to sharpen the fucking thing, it's also the fact that they charge you like fucking $900 to buy eight of them. Like they're made out of gold rather than some really cheap fucking metal. It's a complete. Sorry, I got cut off there. The stupid batteries ran out.

Anyways, yeah. So they, yeah, rather than they made out of some cheap kind of metal, and then one year all of a sudden I saw somebody came up with those 1995 things, which you know is a hunk of shit, but basically showed you could sharpen your disposable razors and I'm like, that's fucking great. And then all of a sudden it's gone and no one comes out and makes a better one. Guys who shave and who are sick of making of paying $9,000,000 for fucking disposable razors, if they made a quality one for $30, wouldn't you go out and go buy it? I mean, is it that fucking hard to come up with that fucking invention? Why hasn't anybody come up with that? The only inventions they seem to be coming up with that comes from just regular people that they can

actually get out there. It's just dumb shit. Like stuff like, oh, you stick a drop in your keys between your fucking ass and the console. Here's a piece of foam will stick in there. But anything else that is going to fuck over another really powerful corporation never seems to come out. And I'm telling you, I know I'm a paranoid psychopath, but I'll admit that. I will definitely admit that. But on the other side, you're really going to sit there and think that these corporations don't have so much fucking money that they don't go out there and try to crush the fucking competition and that if somebody goes out there and invents something that would drastically compromise their bottom line, they don't go out there and try to throw a bunch of fucking money

at the person to buy their patent. No, you don't think that? Here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus. Write down Santa Claus Lane. I'm telling you, you got your fucking head up your ass. And it must be a fucking absolute utopia. An absolute fucking utopia that you live in, that you actually sit there and believe, believe in these, all of this shit, all the weight cigarette companies covered up all kinds of studies and that type of shit, all the things that they did, the stuff that they put in them to deliberately make it even more addicting to ramp tobacco was already addicting. Then they threw other stuff in there and they actually ramped it up so high that it was more addicting than fucking heroin. You're telling me about the oil companies,

the oil companies, oh those guys, those guys are fucking, those are quality human beings right there. Those people who work in the oil industry, they're salt to the earth kinds of people right there. They don't give a fuck. We're over in the Middle East right now, people, because we so care about our fellow human beings that we want to go over there and liberate them. That's what we want to do. Now I'm not saying you as an individual, sitting there in your cubicle does not have compassion or empathy for people around the fucking globe, but I'm just saying when you get up to the tippity top up there, it's all about money and it's about power and it's about controlling people. That's all it's about. It has nothing to do with them helping liberate, it's complete horseshit.

It's like a catcher who catches a ball that's a little outside, he tries to frame it and make it look like a strike. That's just the shit that they say to you. I 100% fucking believe that. Okay, they don't even give a shit about people in this country. The way they handled fucking New Orleans, the way insurance companies are just able to walk away after these people paid money to have insurance for that exact fucking disaster. I've worked down in New Orleans, the stories people have that insurance companies come in like, yeah, listen, we're not covering anything above four feet because the water line is only at four feet. So take it or leave it, go fuck yourself. All of that, insurance companies, oil companies, it's politics,

it's all complete bullshit and I am absolutely, I'm not mad at you if you believe in those industries. I'm more fascinated by you. So whatever, you would think that I wouldn't have this sort of fucking fire and brimstone this week, would you? With another Boston team winning a championship. I actually have to admit, as a sports fan, I said, I know I've said it countless times on this podcast that if the Bruins won the Stanley Cup, that was the only other championship I needed to see by a Boston team, I was going to retire as a sports fan, which is what I think I'm going to do. I'm done. It's not going to get any better than this. I think I'm walking away, walking, I'm going to retire like Jay-Z did after the black album and I'm just going to drop in and do some

guest spots every once in a while. I'm trying to figure out what teams. I'm back into the Pittsburgh Pirates. I've been following them lately, still the 1979 team. That was my favorite World Series of all time, other than obviously watching the Red Sox win it in 2004. I fucking loved that team. I loved the players. I loved their uniforms and I loved Sister Sledge. It was just, it was a fucking not trifecta. There was four there. I suck at math, whatever. So I actually went back and I started looking. This is what a fucking nerd I am. I'm looking at championships and I'm sitting there trying to think and within a 10-year period, basically 10-year period, from February 2002 to June of 2011, less than 10 years,

Boston, a city with four teams, one team in every major sport, one at least one championship in all four sports. We ran the table. All right? The fucking championship grand slam. And I'm saying we, yes I am because I live vicariously through them. All right? Don't even give me that shit. Dude, you didn't do anything. Fuck you. I get devastated when they lose. So why I'm not allowed to have some joy, you fucking cunt. I know this is ridiculous. Let me have my bread and circus. So anyways, we've run the fucking table. So I actually looked back all the way until the 19 fucking 20s to try to find another, you can't even do it. I was trying to find another city that has four teams that has won all four trophies within 10 years and no one's

ever done it. And you can only go back to 1950 because that's when the NBA started. Okay? They're Lakers with your fucking BAA championship in 1949 that you add to try to come close to the Celtics, your cunts. Sorry. The closest I saw was in the 1960s and it was the city of New York and they have six teams so they don't really qualify. And even then the Rangers fucked it up for them. The Yankees won and let's see, they won in 60, 62. The Metz won in 69. The 68 Jets team won and then the 1970 Knicks won. So that was four but they didn't get the Stanley Cup and not to mention they were doubled down in both fucking football and baseball. So it doesn't really count but I wasn't able to find another one. The closest shit that I was able to find was Pittsburgh. The Pirates

Steelers won it in 79 and then the Penguins but they only have three teams. But the Penguins won it in 91. That was like the closest I was able to find. I'm sure there's some other things here. And I bet New Yorkers would try to get technical and be like, well, the Islanders are in New York, they won it. Go fuck yourselves. Go fuck yourselves. And actually New York City is actually very quietly a devastating place to be a sports fan. It's just that the Yankees are so successful and they so blow themselves every 20 minutes about their amazing accomplishments that you never really think about Jets fans, Metz fans, Knicks fans, Rangers fans. Giants though. Giants are a quality squad. They've won three. And as far as being in football, like three to me is the tipping

point where you are then into the upper echelon of teams. Although with Green Bay now with four, I don't know, because you got they got four Cowboys and 49ers have five and the Steelers have six. So I now think that because the Packers one that having three is now a little more mediocre, which also knocks my Patriots down. But anyways, we won seven fucking championships. We ran the goddamn table. We got all the fucking trophies. And I'm done. So now what I'm trying to do is I'm trying now I'm going to have I'm going to fucking, I'm going to sponsor, you know, like when you sponsor a starving child, I'm going to sponsor a city. I'm going to start rooting for all right. I'll root for the San Diego Padres, but I will not root for the San Diego Chargers

just because I went down there to a sporting event and it was one of the worst times I ever went with the worst fucking fans. Just like I swear to God, dude, it's just I can't explain it. You'd have to come out here. It's not fun on the West Coast. It just isn't they have more on fans slash then they also have like the fucking the gang culture out here. And it's just it's just not a good time. Like I have no desire. Like I like the Dodgers. I'd like to go to a game, but I just really don't have any desire to go out there and either sit down low with Hollywood fans who show up late or sit in the upper deck with fans who they can't go, they can't talk sports beyond Boston fucking socks and then you sprinkle in there the gang culture slash tattoo on your fucking neck.

I'll stab you after the game and it's I don't know. It's not it's not fun. And I went to games in Philly and New York and those fans are fucking animals. Boston fans are fucking animals. They fucking Canada. They like their goddamn cities on fire. Granted, I haven't been there during that time. I just, you know, I don't know. I just have not had a good time here. Like someone was trying to tell me that LA is actually going to get a football team. He's like, dude, you psyched. Are you psyched? It's like, I'm not going to that shit. I'm not going to go to it unless they give it like a really like, I don't know. Like they got, you know, if I was like the mayor of this city, I would demand

that they give the team some neutral colors. Usually you want to have a badass uniform. Give it some neutral colors so the gangs won't wear the colors, you know, and start going down there. Like they used to go down there with like the Raiders. Like the Raiders are probably the worst franchise that you could have brought down here to LA, you know, with the awful relationship between the police and in the poorer neighborhoods. Like that was one thing that actually fascinated me. Like I wanted to ask why, why Vancouver? All right, I'm not going to sit here and judge you guys because we had the LA Riots. All right, we have a very questionable foreign policy at this point. So who the fuck am I to look down my nose at you? All right, despite the fact you

cunts have been doing and doing it to us forever. All right, I'm going to give you a chance to explain those riots rather than me sitting here way down in fucking Los Angeles like I know what's going on. Why do you think, why do you guys riot when you lose the Stanley Cup? Because I know it isn't just about that. That means there's another area of frustration in your life. And that's why people go to sports. It's a fucking outlet. It's an outlet. You're divorced, you're playing, you're paying child support, your wife was a cunt about you trying to have the kids this Father's Day weekend. You know, maybe at least the home team can win a championship and then it doesn't happen. And then you want to smash the fucking Starbucks sign. What's going on up there? Why does that,

why do you guys do that shit? Because that wasn't just drunk fans who were upset. Like that was fucking epic. That was like hours and hours like, you know, the footage that's like three blocks away because the reporters are scared to get close to it and this smoke and fire. Why do you guys riot? Because according to Michael Moore down here, you guys live in a fucking utopia. You know? I don't fucking know. So anyways, let's get on with the fucking podcast here. These painters and woodworking people are going to be here soon. This is how much of a fucking nerd I am. Do you guys know that I can off the top of my head, name every champion in all four sports from 1960 on? And now after compiling this list, I can now kind of do it. I can do it in hockey and I kind of do it

in baseball from 1950 on. Is there something wrong with me that I'm absolutely fascinated with this shit? Like that I'm absolutely fascinated that like from 1940 to 1970, Montreal won 12 Stanley Cups in Toronto won 10. How fascinating that is to me that they were basically going blow for blow like Lakers Celtics during that time. And then Toronto fell off and Montreal put it out of reach, went in seven in the seventies. I just find it fascinating that from 1940 to 1970, Montreal wins 12, Toronto wins 10, the Red Wings get five. And it really put into perspective the Rangers, the Bruins and the Blackhawks, how we were fucking, we all just won one, how we were kind of the doormats of the league. And I don't know, thank God for fucking Detroit, doing something for

the American teams. But also that was during the, I actually look at what Toronto did is more of an amazing accomplishment because they didn't have the advantage that Montreal had with that first pick of all French born Canadian players, which to me to this day, if you're going to put an asterisk next to anything, you that's fucking a ridiculous advantage. A game that is invented in Canada. All right, so you already have that advantage. Half the people in America didn't even know what the fuck the sport was. And then you have a certain section of Canada that is just your draft picks and your draft picks alone until you're done picking them. And then everybody else can get the scraps. It's just fucking beyond me. I don't know, this is going to

fucking annoy people who aren't into sports. Let's move on here with the podcast because the people are coming here soon. Let me get back to the inbox here. Please watch that documentary, by the way, the gas hole. We'll have the link, the full documentary. I only watched the first 15 minutes of it. And if you're any sort of thinking human being, it was everything that you're already kind of new anyways. Here's another one. Bill, in the 70s, they were driving leaded gasoline. Remember, the difference may come from the lack of lead. Cars perform better on leaded gas. I appreciate that it's true that we are being manipulated by corporate America. So, well, then pick, pick a side. I understand. Actually,

I don't understand the difference between leaded and unleaded gasoline. I don't understand the difference of that. Okay, I guess that that performed better, but unleaded was better for the environment. Okay, scientifically, I can't explain why that is, but I'm also not a moron. And I understand, and I've read enough on corporations, and I understand how they fucking work. That's all about the bottom line. And every quarter, they have to show a profit, or it's considered a failure. They can't even show the same profit. They can't even be like, we made 6 billion last quarter, and we made 6 billion this quarter. That's considered a failure. They have to go up to 7 billion. Now, at some point, you're going to exhaust

all ethical ways of making money, and you're going to start delving into the world of fucking evil, which is, I think that they're up to their heads in it. I don't buy it. Anyways, Bill, love the podcast. This is such a great way to start. The reason the U.S. Camry gets 26 miles per gallon and the Pakistani version gets 39 is simple. Wait, it's simple. It's simple. Controlling the world's energy is a simple thing. The U.S. version has airbags, crumple zones, roll cages, a roll cage. It doesn't have a fucking roll cage, you moron. It might be structurally more sound. It really doesn't have a roll cage, and the fucking doors are welded, which adds 650 pounds to the weight of the car. Imagine the mileage you would get in

your Prius with those fat twins, but you're an idiot. You're not an idiot. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I refuse to believe that. You're just like me. You're a fucking regular person. You went up. You looked at some stats to try and support your fucking argument, just like I'm doing, but I'm sticking by this one. I know I'm fucking right on this one. I remember one time, I had this old piece of shit truck that I drove for like 10 years because I knew I wanted to be a comedian and I didn't want to go into debt. So when the engine finally died, I threw a new engine in there, and the guy told me he needed to rebuild the carburetor. I'm like, you don't need to rebuild the carburetor. So you know what this cunt did? He fucking adjusted the

carburetor so I would just get shitty gas mileage, hoping I would be an absolute fucking moron and then drive back and be like, well, I guess you're right. I'm just, I'm just chowing through gas here. That's what this motherfucker did at his little garage. This little piece of shit did that because it wasn't enough that he fucking made 1600 fucking bucks off me. He wanted to make like fucking 1900 bucks. So he did that just as a fucking individual. And you're going to try and tell me that a corporation that basically controls the world fucking energy is not going to buy up patents by people that are making or coming up with carburetors and stuff like carburetors, but coming up with alternate ways of powering a car more efficiently. They're not going to buy that up.

Dude, they had that whole Stanley Mayer thing, and that's not a conspiracy theory either. We actually, we actually played the news clip on the Opian Anthony show. Stanley Mayer, great news for individuals, but bad news for oil companies claims he's come up with an engine that can run on any type of water. Fresh water, salt water, rainwater doesn't make a difference. And he claims he can drive across the country on 28 gallons of water. This is of such interest, the Pentagon is sending a lieutenant colonel out there. That was the actual news clip from the Opian Anthony show. It was an actual news clip. It's not some bullshit I read on a fucking website. Okay? Now, what happened after that? Nobody knows. But basically, within 10 years, Stanley was dead and his car

disappeared. And his brother right now is trying to get the car back and nobody knows where the fuck it is. All right? I truly believe that the quickest death sentence you could possibly have is to go in the news and claim that you've come out with an alternate source of energy that's going to put a corporation out of business that is making, that is projected to make $350 billion next year. How much do you think your life is worth? And if you have $350 billion, how easy is it? Do you think to get somebody to solve this problem? You can't have people getting free energy. All right? Because they're not going to work. If every time the fucking wind blows, I can watch another fucking eight hours of TV.

You know? Am I going to be putting in for overtime? Am I going to be working like a dog, like these other goddamn people? You know? If every time it rains, I got enough fucking water to fucking drive all the way to goddamn Kansas, I got enough water to drive to Kansas City and back. Do you think that they can have that? I'm telling you, if, when it rained, if it rained oil, let's just flip this for a second. If it rained oil and it was a lubricant, but somehow it made the trees grow, I guarantee you, whatever powered the cars would not be oil, gas and oil. I guarantee you, it wouldn't. It would be something else. They have to make it, they have to keep you away from it. Am I out of my fucking, I probably am out of my mind. I just don't, I don't believe it. I just

don't fucking, I don't believe it. I don't believe any of it. And I think anybody out there who's tried to climb any sort of like ladder of power, you haven't noticed that the higher up you went, the more compromised, what the fuck, the more you had to compromise what you wanted. My business is no different. It's no fucking different. The higher up you get, the more is at stake, the more money is at stake, the more the art gets compromised. Look at this shit. I can say whatever the fuck I want on this goddamn podcast. There's nothing at stake. I don't make any fucking money off of this shit. All right. But if all of a sudden I started getting advertising on this thing, right? Like a severe level of advertising to the point, let's say I was actually able to

make a million dollars a year off of this shit. And all of a sudden I'm going off on Jesus and that type of shit. And then all of a sudden some fucking advertiser goes, Hey, we're going to pull the spots here and your money is going to drop down back down to nothing or whatever, drop down to like a hundred grand a year. You're telling me in my head, I'm not going to start thinking like, well, maybe I won't say what I think about religion. Okay, that's just a million dollars. Forget about 350 billion dollars and some douchebag on Long Island comes up with a fucking car that can run on water. You know, and he's not, that guy wasn't evidently willing to sell his fucking invention. I got to tell you this people, if you're out there and you're working on an engine

that can work on somehow is powered by water, don't go to the news with it. All right. I don't know how to get it out there, but I'm telling you, if you are able to come up with something like that, and let's say on the sly, you started building them. All right. There's no way to keep it a secret. And when the oil companies found out that you had it, there would be like men in black type vans pulling up to your fucking warehouse. Okay. And they would be smiling, but they'd have that look where they're looking right through the back of your head. And at first, they'd try to pay you off and buy the fucking patent. And if you didn't sell it to them, they would move to the next phase. And you would somehow mysterious, like the urban myth with

that guy Stanley mayors, basically he was in a diner. He stood up and said, my God, they've poisoned me. He walked out in the parking lot and dropped dead shortly thereafter, his card in with the invention in it disappeared. And now his brother's trying to find out what's what happened to him, which he never will. This is probably one of the craziest podcasts I've ever done. Am I freaking you guys out? Good. All right. Painters are coming here soon. Let's see if I got time for a couple of advice things. Oh, what about a question? Hey, Bill, big thanks to you. You big thanks. Big thank you to your parents for reproducing you for reproducing and making me is what I think you're trying to say. Reproducing me. Did they make it? Did they make another fucking

me? What is your take on cuntism of Sharon Tweed? I don't know who that is. Oh, Shannon Tweed. She and kiss frontman Jean Simmons were on the Joy Behar show and she has finally reached her breaking point with her wandering wiener with his wandering wiener. She's been his girlfriend for almost two decades. She knew and accepted his group sex lifestyle this whole time. Now that the kids are out of the house, it seems like she had these grand illusions that she could make Jean Simmons a one woman man and is publicly acting out whenever he mentions the sex he's had with horror number 999 or 1000. Is this just like a broad or what? Yours and Christ Eric S. Oh, then he says, PS, if I hear this on the podcast, I'll donate $49. Dude, you don't need to bribe me.

Keep your fucking money. Anyways, what is my take on this? It's just a show. It's just a show. She's she's playing the part. She's acting like she's outraged. They're trying to have these media moments where she flips the fuck out because they're trying to get people to watch the show. Okay, Jean Simmons is not a good looking man. He's actually a bizarre looking man. And I think he doesn't even have the decency to use Grecian formula. I think he is just using straight up shoe polish. Kiss has an inability to write a good song from the jump, which is why they have to wear all the makeup and have fire coming out of their balls. It's the Madonna thing. It's like if Madonna could actually sing and write a fucking song, would she really have to roll around the

floor like a fucking whore with half a pussy lip hanging out, hanging out? Would she? I don't think she would. So what do I think this is a complete media stunt? And I think Jean Simmons is an unbelievably insecure human being that he has to walk around talking about how many fucking women he's banged, you know, and actually, I mean, honestly, what point do you stop counting? You know, 878? Does he have a little diary? I don't understand the whole thing. But as far as like his girl going on there, I mean, let's just say that she actually loves this guy. And she's actually a functioning human being. I think she's an unbelievable trooper. And there's something fucking wrong with her. Like why would you stay with somebody like that who's just been completely

unfaithful? Unless you just you just have you've worked it out, which I think she has. It's a complete business thing she wants to be taken care of. He does. So now they have a new reality show out because God knows who gives a fuck about a 2011 kiss album coming out, and them having to walk out and tight leather pants with their giant fucking heads. Nobody cares. Nobody. I'm just trying to piss off kiss fans. I don't give a fuck. Okay, I know the kiss army gives a shit, but the kiss army alone is not enough to keep a show on the air. So what they have to do is go on and just do this big media stunt where she's finally putting her her foot down after he bangs the 2000th woman of his fucking career. So that's just that's just a fucking media stunt. All right,

advice. Oh, there's the painters. All right, I got to go. You guys will hang on. I'm going to put this on hold here. Hold on, hold on. All right, false alarm. He's down the street at home depot. Yeah, I got a couple more things I got to buy. I don't know what the hell I was talking about. Yeah, it's just a media stunt. They just it's just all for the fucking show. You know, I mean, what actual relationship would play that out on television? That's just fucking bizarre. I've seen the billboard as I drive down sunset, you know, you know, he wants to rock. She's ready to roll. You get it, huh? He still wants to fuck around, but he wants to fucking green acres. That's all it is. You know,

he's from the city. She's from the country. He wants to fuck. She wants him to be faithful. There's your conflict. That's basically when you sell a TV show. They always go, well, how are we going to get, you know, five seasons out of this? How do we keep this going? We need more conflict between the characters. So there you go. They have the conflict. It's complete horseshit. And the show is going to stink. I can't watch Gene Simmons. He's an unbelievably insecure guy, and then he overcompensates it with a massive fucking ego. And it's uncomfortable to watch how a man who looks like that, I mean, if I looked like, you know what he looks like? He actually looks like the male version of that broad, that fucking Schwarzenegger bang. They have the

same exact fucking head, you know, that Transylvania looking fucking head. Like, you know, like how even like a vampire kind of needs like a butler, you know, and it's always some fucking weird looking somebody would like a like a hunchback. That's what he looks like. Anyways, let's let's do one quick advice thing. Bill, I know you probably won't have any advice for this problem as I'm probably just fucked, but maybe if I type it out, I will feel better. Jesus Christ, look how fucking long this is. Sometimes I think people do this on purpose because they know I'm not good at reading out loud, although I feel I've gotten better. Anyways, my dog's staring at me, we're going to go on a hike later. You want to go outside? Yes, you do. All right, hang on a second. So about five years

ago, I was living with my folks and working an hour away from home, saving money to move. I met a girl that was really hot and I thought we had similar interests. Okay, there's a major red flag when you said I thought the sex was great, blah, blah, blah. I started to realize that she was a bit of a jackass, but I wasn't quite as smart as they are now. So I stayed with her for a while. Of course, she did. She's hot. She's also a single mom. Oh, Jesus, and just waiting tables. All right, dude, did this actually happen or is this like a country song? I met this girl. She was really beautiful. Worked down at the diner and she had a kid. I don't know how to read, so that's as good as I can do.

Honey, why do we see the street when we drive the car? Did you sell the floorboards for more myth? I'll punch you in the stomach. I don't need another kid. Let's go smoke some myth with a cop. Anyways, she comes to me one day and asks me to cosign alone so she can go to a mechanic's school and get a job fixing cars. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, was she jumping on the other side of the fence here? Don't mean to be stereotypical. Uh, she said none of her family had any credit and that they couldn't cosign. Like a total dumbass, I cosigned her loan. I told her that I would help her but she would

have to pay it all back and I wouldn't help and I wouldn't help her make any of the mispayments. Oh, Jesus Christ, and your name is on it. So where's her fucking motivation there? Her credit's already fucked because she needs you to cosign the loan. So she's basically on a sinking ship that weighs way more than your ship. You have a little rowboat and you just tied it to the fucking Titanic. So what do you think is going to happen? I'm going to guess everybody that she's going to go under two. Uh, time goes on. We stay friends and I move out of town. She dates other guys. I date tons of girls, blah, blah, blah. Oh, so I guess the relationship ended. I'm finally getting my life together a few years later with a great new job. I've paid

off my car. Dude, this is, oh my God. And I'm finished paying off my college loan and I start getting calls from the bank over 50 bucks that she didn't pay before some deferment kicks in because she's back in school again. I send her a message on Facebook. What so the whole world can see? Or you send, oh, a message. Okay. Telling her, I don't want my credit fucked up and I try to call her too. Amazingly, she changed her number. She stops answering my Facebook messages and deletes me there. Now see, sir, the one from before, this is just like a woman right here. Used her pussy to suck this guy in, to vacuum some money out of his fucking wallet. And now she's walking away like the femme fatale she is. It's been a few months and the bank was calling

me every day. Now they are saying they will take money out of my paycheck if I don't pay up. I got a letter a day ago saying I owe them $15,000 and I have to respond in a month. I know I signed a piece of paper so I don't really have any recourse. I was stupid for trying to help her better her life. And I think she's just trying to fuck me over. Even though she told me plenty of times that that wasn't her attention. I get so fucking angry thinking about this. Dude, I feel for you, man. I mean, I can't imagine the thoughts that you're having. Please don't act on any of them. The stress of having a loan over my head that doesn't benefit me in the least. The fact that my credit might be fucked and mess up my future plans. The fact that I was dumb enough to try

and help somebody and it's just fueling this rage. This rage I feel to women for being lazy, manipulating sex as shit. As much as I trash women and I like doing it because I think it's funny because it doesn't seem to happen on television. They're always shown as victims rather than this type of thing. It really is a particular type of woman. You know, they say a good man's hard to find and it's the same thing with the woman. What can I do? Let them suck money out of my bank account for a decade until I pay him back. File for bankruptcy. How would that fuck up my credit? Would it even wipe out the debt? I don't have a lot. A decent apartment, a car, maybe $1,000 in the bank account and being unemployed for a while and finally getting a new job after being

unemployed for a while and finally get a new job. Sorry for the long email. Love your podcast. All right, dude, I totally feel for you. I know I was breaking your balls up there. I didn't realize how this thing was going to end. Jesus Christ, what can you do, man? I would try to go legally at her so she just can't walk away, which is going to cost you more money. The last thing I would do is don't let it get to the point where they put it to a collection agency because it's going to fuck your credit. If it's a $50 payment, whatever it is, I would start making the payments and then I would try to take some sort of legal action against her. That's what I would do. But in the long run, if you declare bankruptcy, you're going to put yourself

behind the eight ball. I know it sucks, but a $15,000 loan, what are the payments on that? That's got to be a hundred and change. I have no idea. You kind of got to pay it, but I would definitely try to go as much as you can, go after her legally, and at the very least drag her ass into court. This really isn't a woman thing because I've done this shit before. I remember I used to share this rehearsal space to play drums and like an idiot, I came into some money and I paid ahead like three, four months just so I wouldn't have to deal with it because it was kind of a random bill where I didn't pay the actual rehearsal space. I was paying this other guy, so I gave this guy like 500 bucks for, I don't know how many months.

Of course, all of a sudden, like a month and a half later, the rehearsal space, we lose the rehearsal space. This guy who at any moment when I owed him money and I was like, hey, where are you? He would immediately return my text. He just completely disappeared off the face of the fucking earth and never gave me my money back. The amount of fucking people who will do that to you, it really has nothing to do with male or female. They're fucking dirtbags. Which brings me back to the fucking oil companies. If someone would do this shit over this amount of fucking money, I just, I don't know. I know I sound like, I just really wish I could explain half of my points intelligently because I really think that I'm right. That's one of the dumbest

things I've ever said. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Congratulations to the Boston Bruins. I can't believe you won the Stanley Cup and at some point, I got to get my ass to Boston. I got to see it. I've never seen it, never been up close to it. I went to the Hockey Hall of Fame. I guess it's there for a period of time and I've never seen it and I'm actually blown away. And like I said, my condolence to the Vancouver Connect fans that that was an unbelievable kick in the fucking hockey balls to have to go through that. But obviously, you shouldn't have burned down your city and I know most of the people up there didn't do it and I know 90% of the people don't condone that type of behavior. But I would like to know

people of Vancouver, people in Montreal, you stuck up snobs. Why do you guys burn down your fucking cities over sporting events? What are you really upset about? That's what I want to know because I want to forward it to Michael Moore. So the next time he tries to make you guys out, like it's like the Truman show up there, he can maybe have a little more information and stop making movies that are as ridiculously to the left as Fox News is to the right. Okay, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you next week. Dude, I didn't know what the fuck am I going to watch in sports? This is the worst time of year for me as a sports fan. The excitement of the NBA finals and the NHL Stanley Cup finals brings you to an absolute

height and then boom, it's over. I was talking to Paul Verzi. We were laughing about that shit. You go from this unbelievable, did you fucking see Dwayne Wade? Did you see Dirk Nowitzki? Did you fucking see this? Did you see that? Did you fucking game seven, Bruins? You're losing your mind texting and then all of a sudden it comes to a abrupt halt. And he said, ball one. I'll tell you, this kid just came up from Hershey. He's a hell of a prospect. He's one of the best second baseman that the Milwaukee Brewers have had and quite some time. Oh, follow back. What a one. It's Hack Day coming up this Thursday. And now they might not even have a football season. Here's my prediction. If they don't have an NFL football season, college football is going to have, it's

going to, I think it could finally blow up in cities like Boston, which is not a college football town. I mean, we'll get into BC every once in a while, but we're just not into it because we have all these professional teams that are winning all the fucking championships. Sorry, I got to gloat a little bit. I think I've been, I've quite a fucking gentleman, you know? Jesus Christ, a couple of things. Do you realize if fucking, if our defensive back guessed the right way, could have knocked down that pass, that could have been another Super Bowl, you know, if those NBA refs a couple years back didn't decide to call 9,000 fouls on the Celtics and two on the Lakers, that we might even had another fucking NBA championship. We might have fucking won nine,

but I'll take my seven. Go Cleveland. Let's go Padres. Let's go Brewers. I'm fucking rooting for all of you. I'm done as I am. I am fucking retired. I, for at least 15 years, not 15, for like 10. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm stepping back for 10. I don't even give a fuck. You know, something I think at this point I'm so fucking happy even the Jets winning a Super Bowl wouldn't buck me. All right, let's not go that far. All right, guys, I'll talk to you. I'll talk to you next week. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Got to be understand that, uh, this border area is pretty clear with brutes. Check please. Yeah. Yeah.