Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-20-24

Episode Date: June 20, 2024

Bill rambles about another championship, comeback cities, and retiring his anger. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (34:30) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 6-20-16 - Bill rambles about death, lifeguards, and not crossing the finish line. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Beastie Boys - The Scoop

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. How are you? How's your sports week going? It's going pretty good out here in fucking San Jose, which is where I'm at. Congratulations to the Boston Celtics winning their 18th World Championship. Very happy obviously for everybody on the team, Brad Stevens,

everybody on up the ladder and all that, and all the Celtic fans out there. And I'm glad I didn't watch it. I got all the games tape. I'm going to sit down and now I can watch it knowing there's a happy ending or the other way knowing that there was a sad ending. I could sit down and watch it and not freak my fucking kids out. You know, just go with like this fucking NBA is fixed a minute. So fucking they just won a game five.

I'm not doing that anymore. I'm done with it. I'm fucking done with it. But anyway, I definitely, even just checking the score, I would just check the score and I'd be like, fuck, you know, or I'd be like, yes, I'd be all excited. And then I'd see like they came back, you know, the hell was it on the, in game five when we were like up by like 24, then I saw it was down by 18. I was just like, I'm not, my buddy was there in the house going,

let's put it on. I go, all right, put it on. But I have to leave the fucking room. Like I just I that's what I realize. I don't have the emotional maturity to watch NBA basketball. I just don't. I it's a game of runs. I don't understand it. I don't understand how one team can't miss and the other team can't fucking throw it in the ocean and then on a dime it just turns around and the whole other team like heats

up and then the other team can't fucking hit anything. Don't understand it. I don't understand it. I, you know, I'm not putting myself through that shit anymore. So anyway But hey, it's all the fucking haters out there we have the most NBA titles and we're tied for the most fucking Super Bowls All right, we're not doing too shabby with World Series we got nine I think the Cardinals still have like the second most with like 13 or whatever so we're working our way up there. Um and the Bruins we got to get something done there

we only got six but I mean we only got four teams you know that's what I always say you know it was funny I was with the New Yorker the night we won it. How long do you think it took them to bring up the fact? That the Yankees have fucking 27 championships. I Mean they they're fucking hilarious. They jump sports It's like we're talking basketball here. We're talking the New York Knicks or the Brooklyn Nets Whoever you want to talk. No, no We're talking Yankees. It's actually kind of fucking hilarious. I don't even know what it is.

It's like somebody who has like one good story. So they always got to fucking bring that up. Anyway, but it was great because it was brutal being fucking tied with the Lakers and all that patchwork that they did to get to fucking 17, which is just complete horseshit. Okay, you want to take the fucking Minneapolis one's fine, but that one that you somehow count that was before the NBA even existed is so fucking ridiculous and nobody questions it. I can't imagine what the fuck would happen. Can you imagine if the Patriots counted a Super Bowl that they won before they were

in the NFL? Before the Super Bowls? I don't see that thing flying. But anyway, oh gives a fuck. Just happy for everybody on the team because all these fucking assholes were starting to say, do you think the Celtics are going to choke again? It's like, dude, they're a young team. What we went up against, what LeBron and lost. We went up against the heat and lost.

I mean, the heat are no slouch. They were fucking, you know, great team with veterans and all of that and I don't know if you guys have noticed it's like sort of the old usually see older teams that win come playoff time that's what I find fascinating you know come March like in in hockey and basketball all the older teams it kind of slowed down and blah blah blah and you start thinking they're old and it's like, no, they're saving. They're saving something. Because they know how long whatever, I mean, the fucking season ends.

It's really ridiculous that hockey and. And NBA, it's two months. With playoffs. Like the season's four months, they play like another half a fucking season as far as time anyway. Anyway, I believe, right or wrong, this season isn't four months,

October, November, December, January, February, March, six months. And then they play two months. Sorry, Bill, that was a bad analogy. Whatever, I wish I was watching that Edmonton Panthers series. That sounds fucking unbelievable. Once again, it seems like hockey is just showing that when it comes to playoffs, I don't think there's a better playoff out there than the Stanley Cup playoff.

I've been trying to think. Football's had its moments, obviously. Baseball's pretty cool. But every year, hockey seems to have these ridiculously exciting games. I gotta go find that game five somewhere. That guy in the Panthers, I don't know who it was, who dove as the puck was going towards the empty net, and at the Panthers, I don't know who it was, who dove as the puck was going towards the empty net and at the last second, that looked like it was out of a fucking movie. But Kalana McDavid and them are all woken up, so I'm going to fucking bandwagon and just jump on right now because no matter what the results, it's going to be amazing.

It's either the Panthers get their first one or Canada gets their first one since 1993 and Edmonton gets their first one since 1990. So I mean they're in a fucking drought here 34 years. So anyway that's my lame sports take not really watching anything as of yet because I've just been in the bubble here getting ready for my next stand-up special. Last night I was at, I don't even know what the name of the venue was, but it's this older place that looks still brand new and Dean Del Rey's opening up for me. He's like, dude, I saw Ronnie James Dio here. I saw Metallica here.

The Rolling Stones played here in 66. And he starts going around, and there's all of these pictures on the wall of all these incredible shows that happened out here. And I don't know. The last couple times, I played of like a symphony place. Whenever I got to be honest with you, whenever I go into a place and it's a little too, let's see, I don't know, it always just makes me feel like an idiot or feel like I'm too crass to be in there.

There is something funny about all of those fucking symphony halls. You know, they all have to have like those bizarre designs. We hire some fucking weirdo and the guy makes a building that looks like a crumpled up like Kleenex or something. And first everybody hates it. And then, you know, a couple people on PBS talk about the architectural marvel of it. And then eventually it just becomes a place. Well, before GPS, it'd be a place to meet at.

I'll meet you at the symphony and then we'll walk over to the game. Just because somebody's from out of town. You can't miss it. It's the ugliest fucking building in downtown. All right? Just get. Anyway, so what's going on with me? Like I'm not watching fucking sports, even though my, my, my team's in the finals and now I'm watching golf. I was like upset yesterday that I couldn't find golf because I'm liking that I just kind

of root for everybody. You know? These fucking assholes jumping on Rory McIlroy saying that the guy choked and all of that. I just, you know, you should, in order to say that another man choked, you should have to immediately produce video or at least three witnesses to say when the fucking pressure was on, you delivered. Ah, dude, that guy's a choker, that team's a choker, that guy can't win the big one. Well, no one would know more about not winning the big one than you, you fat fuck. The amount of fucking, I swear to God, burger and pizza eating fat fucks out there that call like these professional athletes in the prime of their fucking physical condition

chokers is just fucking beyond me. And then they always, they always like, I just love how like, if you're a fan or if you're a sports reporter, you don't have to have any manners whatsoever. You can just, oh well, you know, he puts himself on the stage and this is just how it goes. But then, you know, they do anything, if they fucking do something towards the crowd. Remember that guy,ed the crowd? Who was that? I can't even remember. Was it Randy?

I don't remember who it was. And then everybody was just, oh, it's just the army. How could he? Meanwhile, they're yelling about his mother, who they don't even know if she's alive, if she's sick. They have no fucking idea. Fuck all of that I want you know something if you're a sports fan you listen to this podcast

you routinely go around talking about how somebody's a fucking choker I want you to fucking write in and tell me like on what level what where in your life can you even compare that how about the fact that they don't fucking kill somebody every time they tee off? You know, they're sitting there and there's all of these fucking idiots standing there looking like they're trying to see when the subway is going to show up. By the way, that has got to be the dumbest thing. All of those people, the level of faith that they have, that that person's not going to slice and hook one right into your fucking grill. I'm going to look that up. At the end of this podcast, I'm going to look that up.

Somebody's had to have done it. How do you block that out? I saw that DeShambault guy, the guy was in the fucking woods. He's got like four trees in front of him and then a bunch of fucking fat fucks with silly hats on. You know, the only thing he could do was hit it perfect or something was getting hit and he somehow did it. I have actually a great one of those jackass type shows. We have one of them line up with the driver and then everybody the rest of the cast has to line up and stand in front of him like he's a professional golfer. And you got to have your hands down and you got to be leaning slightly over at the waist looking right back at the ball with nothing protecting your face.

Anyway so I'm up here in San Jose and this is one of these really cool fucking cities that I keep rooting for it to make like a comeback. Like in my stand up career, I've seen amazing turnarounds in cities. I would say Pittsburgh is the first one that comes to mind. I remember staying in downtown Pittsburgh and during the week, even during the week, it was a fucking ghost town. And it was like Three Rivers Stadium, was the stadium they had there.

I was doing like a college gig. Every time I go there too, I say I'm gonna take that stupid gondola or whatever up that fucking hill and I've never done it And I used to stay down there and it was just like people on drugs homeless people You'd see a few people go in and out of buildings, but the buildings were like empty and then like since then They built arguably the best baseball stadium in the league as far as like the view that you have of those bridges It's just a shame. They have the terrible ownership and then they built Hinesfield. And then this whole tech thing came along and revitalized the whole downtown area.

Cleveland, Ohio. I remember when I used to play Hilarities out there and Nick Costas was the only guy. He was the only game in town other than with like there was a game at the Jake or you know, not even gun to Rena because it was before LeBron. That's how fucking long I've been doing this shit people before LeBron. He's been playing so long. His kids going to be in the league, which I'm trying to think the last time I remember that happening was probably Gordie Howe and his two sons Mark Howe and I forget

the other one's name and then there was no way Ken Griffey senior and junior and did Barry and Bobby bonds overlap I don't think they did. Anyway, and I remember standing outside of Hilarity's looking across the street at this beautiful but vacant apartment building saying to whatever comedian that I worked with going like, you know, if I had money, I would buy that building because there's no fucking way this place is going to stay like this. And I wasn't like predicting anything. It was just my ignorance that I didn't realize it had been like that for 30 years.

I've seen Detroit make a comeback. Cincinnati, downtown Cincinnati used to be a ghost town. That's coming back. San Jose is the only one that I'm still seeing like we landed here yesterday it was Wednesday and we're walking around we're like where the fuck is everybody? I don't get it it's a beautiful downtown area they got a nice little trolley there's got to be like an artsy section or whatever somewhere around here. But anyways, I always get like, you know, as long as they're

not just like building those glass towers and then like, people are laundering money. That's the worst thing about fucking New York City right now. It's such a great city. It's basically the Paris of the United States as far as like if somebody from another country is traveling here, like that's where they want to go. And then they just got those awful fucking, look like giant cigarettes, those stupid fucking buildings. And they're empty, there's nobody in them. Even the ones that are bought, there's just like nobody in them. I'm not gonna lie to you, I do go on Zillow just to see the fucking view.

I mean, you can see the curvature of the Earth. Or the ice wall, if you're a flat earther. Can a flat earther please write in and explain to me the ice wall? And with global warming, or do you not believe in that too? Like, what's going to happen to the ice wall, and are the oceans going to, like, drain off, like what, out into outer space? I mean, I actually, to be honest with you, I mean, I don't understand a lot of that stuff. I don't know how air is light enough to be air, but it doesn't float away from the pull of gravity. Like at some point, shouldn't it be leaking somewhere once the air gets high enough up into the atmosphere?

No? I don't know. But it would be funny, listen to me, trying to take this person down with no scientific facts whatsoever. So anyway, I got three more nights here. Oh, one of these nights. I got to get my, uh, today I'm going to actually sit down and make the set list for my special. So I kind of, you know, only because

we're going to be editing the thing together. So I got to kind of, cause every night I kind of do it like in a different way. But, um, what I'm enjoying right now is I have all this new stuff coming out and I'm just doing it. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to do that on my special, but I'm just sort of continuing to plow ahead. But tonight, here or not, I feel like I have to be disciplined. But there's just been too much fun like stupid shit to talk about going on in the news right now. And I kind of came up with this analogy about Donald Trump and like trans people.

And then the fans of the right and the fans of the left and all of that and how we can like bring ourselves together I just been having a great time Like fucking around with that and I Don't know I'll tell you I am excited to get rid of this hour though. I'm gonna miss it though there's a few that I really really like that I am gonna miss and But then like I can already feel like I am taping at the right time because this like There's this feeling of like I'm getting sick of this hour. So this is the perfect time to tape it.

And I know that I'm getting sick of the hour because every stupid news story all of a sudden interests me. And all of a sudden, I have a joke about the fucking election. I have a joke about Puff Daddy, anything that's in the news. But after that, Old Freckles is gonna be on his summer vacation. And my kids are already on their vacation, so I have this thing, do something with them every day, even if it's 20 minutes or whatever. So lately, we swim every day, but we've been playing like baseball and, um,

my daughters can hit from both sides of the plate. My son's a little resistant going, I don't want to, I don't want to, but I started both of them lefty, even though they're right handed. So when they switched over to right handed, they would just be naturally easier for them. And it's just been like the classic fun thing. We have like one Wiffle ball. And it's cool, it's one that I got from Travis Roy, rest his soul.

He used to have this epic Wiffle ball game every year for his charity and I still have some that he gave me. And so they've been playing with that and it just takes me back to a kid, being a kid where you got to like, we have these little stairs that it can roll down so I got to take like the little plastic slide and turn it sideways. And every time you think you figured out the way to contain it in the area, you know, it's somehow you know, wiggles its way through and goes in the area. You know, it somehow, you know,

wiggles its way through and goes down the stairs and my kids think it's hilarious. But I gotta tell you, that fucking George St. Pierre clip has really been helping me with my temper and realizing just the amount of dumb shit that I flip out about and what it's connected to and stuff like that. And I think, oh freckles, I'm due for another mushroom trip.

Once a year I take a nice fucking, you know, handful of them. I've never had the courage to do the hero's dosage. I think I just hate that name. The hero, the fucking hero. A hero is somebody who is safe, sees danger, ignores any sort of their like self-preservation goes into the danger and take somebody out of it and save some with total disregard for their own life. That's what a hero is. You know, a firefighter, cops, salesmen thought I don't know.

I ran out. Those soldiers, shit like that. It's not some fucking shit joke comic taking a handful of mushrooms going, it's fucking freaking me out, man. Oh, are you a Navy seal? Oh yeah. I'm a hero too. No, I'm a hero too.

No, I didn't serve. I took a hero's dose of mushrooms. How come you're not thanking me for my service? Anyway, so I've been working out. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm chomping at the bit here. I am fucking No, that's not it. Not the bit. What is it called chomping at the something? It's a horse thing. I looked it up. I already forget how to say it Champing champing at the bit not chomping champing at the bit

Champing, champing at the bit. Not chomping, champing at the bit. Some horse thing. I guess they don't, do they not have molars by the way? You know what's funny is when somebody has big teeth, they say they have horse teeth. But then a lot of times you're like fucking, you'll see somebody and they're clearly missing all their teeth, upper and lower lower from behind their canines. That's That person has horse teeth Just to clarify alright people let's try to let's let's try to be accurate with our insults I

Did I did my yoga yesterday. What is going on with me? I'm watching golf. I'm doing yoga. I need to do mushrooms to check in with myself. I think, you know what? I think old Billy's finally letting go all of this fucking bullshit. And I got to be honest with you.

I'm excited not to be an angry bastard anymore, but then also, I'm excited for my wife because she doesn't have to deal with that anymore. And then the vindictive side of me is I just really want to see, it's like, what are you gonna bitch about next? If I'm not fucking angry, like what is the problem gonna be? I was a little grumpy last night because she wanted me to watch the next episode of that reindeer, baby reindeer, whatever the fuck it's called. It's the most simplest fucking name and I can't remember what the adjective is.

Baby reindeer, right? I think that's what it's called. And she watched, we had two left and she watched the second and last one. She goes, you gotta watch it. And I go, I can't figure out what my fucking password is for Netflix. And I filled the thing in, they said, you know, give us an email, we'll send you the password. And it's the email I used to sign up on it and they like we can't send one to that so I don't know I don't know what to do there

but I've watched like however episodes many episodes there are I've watched fantastic show and the hell was my point? Was it letting go of the anger? I don't know what it was. You know what? When you get to be my age, every once in a while you just start talking and then you're just like, what the hell am I talking about now for you people maybe you people? meaning podcast listeners Before I get in trouble

You know you're probably thinking that I've been doing that all along right I Have no idea all I know is I'm gonna hit the gym The easiest day the easiest day for any guy to go to a gym is upper body All right, it takes a real man to do your legs Anybody can go in there and do some curls Do some fucking nose crunches nose breakers, whatever you call them Do your chest completely ignore your back? So your fucking shoulders bow around and you eventually have rotator cuff problems.

Anybody can do that. It takes a real fucking man to get in there and work out like a woman. Women are always doing their lower, right? Because that's where they put their weight on, right? So if they do the squatty's and the fucking lunges and the fire hydrants and all of that stuff, you know, because they don't want the lumps and the bumps lunges and the fire hydrants and all of that stuff, you know, because they don't want the lumps and the bumps there, right, downstairs.

And guys, we're all about walking around like, this is big, chicks are going to like me, nobody's going to fuck with me. And then we have like the, you know, for legs, we got a couple of tweezers, a couple of fucking toothpicks. I'll tell you, no matter how many squats I do and all of that, I can't get my thighs, my quads don't get any bigger.

They don't. But they definitely get stronger. I've come to accept that. I basically, you know, I've said for a long time, me naked turned sideways. I have the exact same body as the pink panther. You look the pink panther, he doesn't really have any brawn, but you know, he could be, could bang out some pull-ups. He sees wiry.

Um, I don't know. I thought I was getting a good shape. He could bang out some pull-ups. He's wiry. I don't know. I thought I was getting in good shape. I was doing yoga yesterday with no shirt on and there's just no secrets at that point. And then the end of it, like you bring your legs up and then you're supposed to go over your head and have your toes touch the ground behind you, which I can't fucking do. But Jesus Christ, my stomach and all my mistakes were just staring me right in the fucking face. My stomach was like those fucking people watching a guy on the PGA teeing off. And I was just like, I thought I had five pounds to go. This looks like, good Lord, old Billy Rib Eye here. Steak's a little too fatty there.

It's gonna be a lot of flavor. If a plane goes down, right, and I die and I'm fucking, I'm gonna be a very flavorful son of a bitch to fucking, to throw on the grill. I will tell you, that flame will become higher. You'll probably get rescued when you put my stomach on it. Anyway, oh, lastly but not leastly, rest in peace, the Say Hey Kid Willie Mays. They were talking about him last night on Pardon the Interruption and I didn't know, I didn't realize that he lost two years of his playing career due to military service. I'm assuming that was Korea. And had he played, cuz those were two prime years, if he just,

what he was averaging then, he would have had more home runs than Babe Ruth. And I mean, he had like what, like 660, and Ruth had what was it, 713. So he was right there, 53 away. But just all these incredible stories about the amount of gold gloves that he won, the amount of home runs, the greatest bass runner of all time, how long he played, how late in his career he was still winning those awards and putting up crazy numbers. It was just, it was amazing. I unfortunately was, by the time I started watching baseball, he had been retired.

I think he retired in like 71, 72, somewhere around there. I didn't really start. The first thing I remember about baseball was the 75 World Series and my dad screaming at the TV. Gee, I wonder where I got it. Yeah, we still imitate my dad. My dad was fucking hilarious in the 1986 World Series. Whoever was starting for the Red Sox, the second they threw one ball or two balls in

a row, he'd start screaming, pull them, pull them. Like no understanding of like how many innings this guy has to eat up, the bullpen and all of that. And we try to explain it to him being like, well, dad, if they took him out now, you're going to wear out your bullpen for the rest of the year. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. Christ, he's as another one.

Christ, he's all over that fucking map. This is completely. Losing his fucking mind. And he used to do that thing where like he thought the way he was sitting in the chair was gonna make I still remember he was sitting in this the ugliest fucking chair you've ever seen in life it was from his dental office in the 1970s it was made out of that wood you know that would you ever like get a range for something in court you know like how heavy those tables and chairs are it was that kind of wood And I really think they have that shit,

so you know, most people can't pick it up and throw it. But anyway, it's like earthquake level furniture. So he would sit in there and it had this just brutal, like floral pattern that was like yellows, browns and greens, all of those earth tones. And he would sit there in a suit because he had no leisure clothes, looking like a baseball fan from like the 1930s when you'd wear a hat and everything. And he would sit there with his, he'd have his left leg crossed over his right leg, and then he would have, his elbow was on the armrest, and his index finger was right above his upper lip and then

his thumb was underneath his jaw and he was sitting there like he was listening intently to somebody basically saying the charges that have been levied against him. And he would sit there for the entire fucking playoffs like that other than to scream and yell You know pull him and all of that shit, and then he'd have to get up and like walk around it was fucking hilarious Because I at that point you know I still didn't understand the pain of being a Red Sox fan you know before they finally broke the curse because I was a little too young for 78. I remember my older brother watched it and I saw the look on his face. I remember my mother's face

because I missed the Bucky Dent home run and I remember I said, mother, I go, did they win? And her face was just her. Oh my God, it was the exact same face when I told her I got arrested for drinking and driving. So anyway, how about the city of Boston? It's just the third decade in a row. We're winning a fucking championship. It's fucking amazing. You know, if you really look back at the city of Boston, only having four fucking teams the 1990s. And then I think you have to go back to possibly the 1920s. I can't remember if the Bruins won a title in the 40s. I know a title, a fucking Stanley Cup.

I think the 1990s is might be other than yeah, I've got to go back to the 40s of the 1920s was the last time we went an entire decade where we didn't win at least one championship in the four major sports. I mean, it's pretty fucking... you got to respect that, huh? I don't care if you do or not. I'm enjoying the hell out of it. All right, congratulations to the Celtics. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And enjoy the music picked out by the wonderful Andrew Thamelis. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Alright. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna do it like tough I'm getting dead tense, not talking nonsense

I'm being off my mind, not sitting on the fence I don't always know, the life from the road Hey what's going on, it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 20th, 2016 What's going on, how are you? How are you doing, you cunts? As you notice, it sounds a little weird. I'm in a hotel in Baltimore.

Baltimore. Baltimore. I can't say that because I've watched Scarface so many fucking times. I can't watch, I can't say Baltimore without picturing fucking, you know, Tony Mon- Is that fucking AC coming back on again? How many fucking times I gotta hit off?

Ah, Jesus fucking Christ. There's a fucking button on here, literally just says off, off. There we go. Off. Shut off. Please shut off. Thank you. For fuck's sakes. I'm sorry. Anyway, so believe it or not, I'm doing this because I'm flying back to LA as you're listening to this. And so, sad to say, I haven't watched the fucking NBA finals yet. But I do promise you, if Cleveland wins, that I will do something. I got to do something special or something. Because who's kidding who? The Warriors already won it, right?

If they repeat? Fuck sorry held it too closely if they repeat then it's gonna be like all right can they three Pete so next year I feel like is their big thing so that they can go down with all the teams that have won three in a row so this Year's sort of like you know You know it's not as exciting I'm sure warrior fans. Well gives a fuck. I'd love to see LeBron do it You know after everybody gave him shit for the way left which they should have because like I said exciting. I'm sure warrior fans are, I don't give a fuck. I'd love to see LeBron do it. You know, after everybody gave him shit for the way he left, which they should have, because

like I said, he gave everybody fucking, you know, sports blue balls, like maybe I'll go here, maybe I'll go there. Who wants to buy me a drink? Yeah. He was being very cunty. And then he went to fucking Miami. Jesus Christ the fuck happened to her I could have the TV not on in the background Good Lord getting old is the worst I just saw some woman She had her fucking head you ever see like when a dog gets confused and cocks her head like her head was just like that What is that called? What is that from? How do you avoid that? Is it fucking alternate neck exercises you can do on the other side of your fucking head so that doesn't happen to you? It's so fucking weird. Why can't you just like, you know, why can't death just be like the old right there friend? You know

what I mean? Why does it have to be just like this slow fucking dissensioned into like God knows what? The older I get, the more frightening that is when you were younger You're just like Jesus that'll fuck what happened to them and me. I'm looking at it now go like you know in the next 20 fucking years You know I better start eating better Jesus Christ I'm off the rails of my fucking diet does anything make you feel fatter than eating room service in your bed In a fucking hole just eating in a bed in general nothing makes you feel fatter than eating room service in your bed in a fucking hole. Just eating in your bed in general. Nothing makes you feel fatter than eating in a bed. Just fucking sitting there getting crumbs on your sheets and shit and you're trying

to scrape it off onto the floor. You just feel like a fucking animal. You're like laying on your... I was like literally on my side. I'm in Maryland so I got some sort of crab cake sandwich and of course it sucked because I got it at the hotel instead of the spot to get it at. I'm on my fucking side and I'm eating Maryland, so I got some sort of crab cake sandwich, and of course it sucked, because I got it at the hotel instead of the spot to get it at, right? And I'm on my fucking side, and I'm eating the fries. I'm literally sitting there like that fucking lifeguard.

You know when he got shit-faced, and he was eating the burger, and everybody laughed at him. Hasselhoff, everybody was laughing at him. It was fucking nuts to me. It's like, dude, you never did that? You never just been laying on your floor floor hammered, eating a fucking burger? You should try it sometimes.

The food is delicious. It takes it to a whole other level. You're so fucking psyched and so appreciative of the goddamn food. You know? If you want some, I advocate everybody doing that this week. Get fucking hammered, order a burger, lay on your floor, just start talking shit in honor of Father's Day while your daughter films you. I think that's the way to go.

People already texted me, are you watching the game anywhere tonight? No, fucking working. Actually somebody tweeted at me going, what's with your agent? Why the hell would your agent book a show, you know, when there's game seven of the NBA finals? It's like, hey, stupid. Like, it's not like we booked it after game six. This thing's been on the books for months.

We had no fucking idea. I didn't know. So anyways, I really want to see, I love the Warriors man by the way, you know, I have no beef with those guys, but it's just as a sports fan, when I don't have a dog in the fight, it would just be great to see LeBron after all the shit he got and all those sad sad Cleveland fans burned his jersey standing there in their fucking cargo shorts, right? Burning the jersey, you know, while people filmed it. So fucking stupid.

That is so stupid I'm not singling out Cleveland Cavalier fans but when people just take sports to that level like when Lane kiffin left fucking Tennessee and There was that one guy going let me tell you something you fucking piece of shit Lane kiffin you gonna fucking leave here You're gonna leave here like, Tennessee's it leave here? You're going to leave here like Tennessee's a, we ain't no stepping stone to USC, we're a fucking, we're a fucking destination school, this is what I think of fucking Lane fucking Kiffin and I

don't know what he had, he had some Lane Kiffin something or like a program and he fucking peed on it. A grown man filmed himself peeing on that program, it's like dude someday you're going to have kids. What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, I don't give a fuck about fucking kids. I am right there with their little dicks out peeing right with me.

I don't take it to that fucking level or whatever. So I always thought it was stupid. This is something really medieval about like it looks like you're at a book burning or something when you sit there burning a Jersey. You know what I mean? It's like is Jesus going to come down the street with his cross neck? Next thing you start yelling crucify him. It's you know, at the end of the fucking day, you know, who gives a shit if you had the fucking options, Cleveland fans, all right, of staying in miserable downtown Cleveland

with all those miserable fucking fans. Of going to Miami Beach with some of the hottest fucking ass that has ever been fucking grace the earth. You know, beautiful fucking weather, right? You buy your hurricane-proof house, I don't know what the fuck that looks like, but God knows if anybody had the money, it'd be a fucking professional athlete You know

Course you would go down there. You want a couple two three what he went three down there Right four five your six guys six finals in a row and he come back to Cleveland All right, you fucking snowed in cunts. Here we go. And I'm gonna say I'm gonna go big air on this one right now. I say if LeBron, if LeBron fucking leads the Cleveland Cavaliers to the championship tonight, tonight, tonight, game seven, seven, seven, seven, yeah! Um, in my mind he passes Kobe Bryant. Alright, I'm just pausing right now. Oh, what the fuck? Everybody's going to say all that shit.

I just feel like the level of leadership that he would have to show in order to do that, you know what I mean? Compared to the teams that Kobe played on where he had all this fucking help, you know what I mean? Because I feel like LeBron's already done the Kobe championship, where you piled on with Shaq and all that fucking shit. He went down there with Dwayne Wade and all those guys.

But to go to the middle of fucking nowhere, as far as sports goes, and lead a fucking sad sack fucking city, sad sack city, out of their cursed lack of championships is a way bigger accomplishment than any of Kobe's five that he had. My big beef with him is if Phil Jackson wasn't the coach and he didn't have major free agent signings there, they immediately became a 500 team with Kobe scoring 40 points a night, you know, just being like, well, I got my stats, you guys suck, and then he just would walk off the court.

I don't know. In my sports mind, my unathletic, comedic sports mind, I put that with like, just watching like the Pistons walking off the court when the fucking Bulls finally beat him. I was just something fucking wrong about that. Walking off the court when the fucking bulls finally beat him. I was just something fucking wrong about that. Walking off the fucking court. What do you fucking share? Um... LAUGHS

Did she ever walk off the court? Did she walk off a battleship ever when she didn't think the sound was right? I have no fucking idea. Anyways, plowing ahead here. Had an amazing fucking time. I did Newark, New Jersey, performance at Santa, whatever the hell they call it, had some great shows, and then last night, I played this some fucking place in, I don't know why I don't know the names on this run. Hang on a second, typing in the password, one fucking word, letter on a second typing in the password one fucking word letter at a time. I played this place last night

And it was the same venue where Mike Tyson knocked out fucking Michael Spinks Now granted, you know The way they sat it when he had it's not like I sold the same amount of tickets. Believe me They concede it in all these different ways So they sat it more for a comedy show, when he fucking did it it was like right now a turtle Gotti fought there all these amazing boxing matches had been there and if you went in there man I literally felt like I was in Citizen Kane I gotta

get you guys the name of this fucking place one of the more amazing places I've ever gotten to walk into had I had this old fucking, um... This old organ there and shit. Is it still gonna be on my website or no? Ah, for fuck's sakes, Bill. Bill Burr... Ah, just wrote Bill Butt. What a fucking dope. Atlantic City. Let's see, let's see, let's see.

Something- something ballroom. Coming in fence. You know, you fucking, how fucking, it just disappears. It's unbelievable, you get kicked in the balls, it fucking lives forever on the internet. Fucking one goddamn day later, I can't find it, whatever. Atlantic. I'll tell you, if you ever wanna make

a zillion dollars in Atlantic City, open up a tattoo removal Fuck a tattoo removal store, whatever you called service Jesus Christ. I have those were some of the worst fucking tattoos I've ever seen in my life What the fuck is the name of the venue you cunts this is what I do and I can't figure it out just start Atlantic City Boardwalk Hall and This is what I do when I can't figure it out. Just start Atlantic City, Boardwalk Hall. And actually, you know, my back has been way better,

but just riding in a car, I don't know what it is. It just fucks with my leg. The nerve starts acting up again. But I'm like 85% of the way back. I'm really psyched. So I didn't want to deal with driving that two hour thing down the turnpike. So I actually for once blew a little bit of cash I didn't want to deal with driving that two-hour thing down the turnpike.

So I actually for once blew a little bit of cash and I took a helicopter ride down from the fucking west side of Manhattan down to Atlantic City. It was the shit. I flew in an A-star, got to sit up right next to the pilot. I didn't get one of the seats in the back, which was cool. I bought a ticket and piled on this thing some other people going down there and So fucking shit man he came out like I was always terrified of being like oh man I don't know if I would want to fly I

Still wouldn't I would never fly around Manhattan without an instructor because it's just so much fucking traffic But you just go out over the Hudson and just like you're driving down the street you just get on the right side I couldn't look over and see his gauges to see what altitude we were flying at we went right down the Hudson River and by the Freedom Tower and all that stuff and then we got to the other side the other side we got the south side and there's the you know the Statue of Liberty's right there, Ellis Island, and then we went right over the Verrazano Bridge and there's no way to fucking go over that

thing and not think of fucking Saturday Night Fever. You know when that fucking guy, Bobby, whatever his fucking name is, tries to do the headstand? Look at me, I'm like, you guys. Right? Look at me. They're like, Bobby, don't fucking do it. Bobby! Him in his polyester suit. Just go all the way down to the fucking bottom, man.

It's just fucking, fucking unbelievable. I mean, that fucking scene scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. But now, you know, just his fucking afro and his fucking big collar. You know? It's almost like if and his fucking big collar. You know It's almost like if he went in headfirst He would have been fine or actually maybe it would absorb too much water, and he'd hit the bottom I have no idea but anyways we went over that then we went over Red Bank, New Jersey Made a right went right down the coast went by Asbury Park saw the fucking Jersey show Over here, and it actually made me think like I can't believe I never went to either one of those places

Show me and actually made me think like I can't believe I never went to either one of those places Went down to Atlantic City, then we had a great time down there and tonight. I'm in Baltimore So that's basically it but uh fucking underrated Underrated being in Manhattan blowing a little bit of cash piling onto a fucking helicopter with a few other fucking passengers getting the last seat and I went to a fucking helicopter with a few other fucking passengers, getting the last seat and fucking flying by that amazing skyline, man. It was the shit. It was the shit. And I finally got to ride in an A-star. And it was way less intimidating than I thought it was going to be. I thought when I looked at the cockpit, all the gauges and everything,

brand new, they were analog. I don't like that digital shit. I fucking hate that stuff. I don't trust it. I don't like it. I'm not a technology guy I like when everything looks like a fucking weird clock then I feel like I can read it I don't I don't like all that that type of shit, so Anyways how many minutes am I up to here? I would do the advertising. I just don't know if it's come in yet Okay, so after I do my show here tonight in beautiful fucking Baltimore Baltimore I'm flying this is my fucking day. I'm flying out to LA I go right into the

writers room and after that I'm doing a I'm doing a benefit that's really important to me great friend of mine Bobby Slayton unfortunately his wife passed away a few months ago and we're doing a benefit in memory of her at the Sabin Theatre in Beverly Hills. And the fucking line-up's ridiculous. Arsenio Hall is hosting and there's a few other up-and-coming comics you might have heard of like, I don't know, Ray Romano, Dana Carvey, John Lovitz, Brian Regan, Bob Saget, and I'll be fuckin' pullin' up the rear there. Low Man on the Totem Pole and that show would definitely be me. I'm a huge fan of all of those guys,

so I can't believe I'm gonna get to work with them. Unfortunately, it's not the greatest reason why we're doing it, but we love Bobby and it's a great benefit. There are a few tickets left. It's going to be a crazy show and I have a feeling all those guys are going to be fucking with each other because they've known each other for so long. And I want to be like beyond a fanboy that night. And then after that I go home and then I go right on a fucking plane. I have to go back to New York because I got to work with some actors

to do some voiceovers We're up to episode 8 everybody no recording episode 7, huh? Dog days of summer. We're coming around. We're coming around so fucking psyched We're up to episode 7. We're gonna do the table read for episode 8. We'll record the table the fucking episode We'll record the fucking episode next week. Hey, you know, I just realized, you know, it'd be cool if one of you guys out there wanted to come to a table read. I gotta figure out how to do some sort of contest or something, maybe bring you in for episode 10, whenever we record that.

I don't know, why the fuck I never thought to do that. You know, it's funny, I don't even invite my wife to them. I'm so busy, like, pouring over the script, making sure, you know, I don't know why the fuck I never thought to do that. You know what's funny? I don't even invite my wife to them. I'm so busy like pouring over the script, making sure I don't fuck up the jokes at the table read. But you know what? I'm going to figure out how to do that. And I'm promising you right now by next Thursday, Thursday's podcast, we'll have something set up for that.

I think that'd be a really cool thing if you're into the show. If you're not into the show, then you're probably like, well, hey, Bill, maybe I just want to go get a fucking cheese stick or some shit cheesesteak. Sorry Anyways, let me uh what else they want to talk about here. This is usually where I do the fucking advertising I guess I can't this week No Formula one racing How the European Grand Prix over there? I actually didn't get a chance to watch that because I stayed out too late, but I did tape it but spoiler alert spoiler alert

Nico Ross Berg fucking Nico Nico Ross Berg he won his fifth fucking race right one two three four five. He's won five of them. He's the points leader he said he's with the German team and he's Just funny Ross Berg. You know what I mean? It's about time. They fucking made up for it had a Jewish guy drive for them You know I'm I don't know if he's Jewish or anything, but he also drives for Mercedes So I always root for Germany and Mercedes because I've never done a background check

But I think I'm mostly German just based on what my parents have told me But oh my god, I saw the pictures of it too just driving through this beautiful fucking city I don't know where the fuck I've been For so goddamn long when it comes to Formula One now, of course me because I'm a psycho somebody told me about the fucking You know, basically the formula Formula One of motorcycle racing I don't know why I'm not watching that I sit there and I flip out where I love all these fucking crazy contact sports Right, you know I like rugby Australian rules football and this fucking Mad Max shit that people been showing me lately where it's sort of rugby sort

Of soccer and after somebody scores you can punch him in the face. I don't know what the fuck that is and this fucking Mad Max shit that people have been showing me lately where it's sort of rugby, sort of soccer, and after somebody scores you can punch them in the face. I don't know what the fuck that is. It's like football, soccer, rugby, and bullying. All at the same fucking time, man. It's just... I don't know about that sports, you know? The only thing that was missing was just to have a couple of bulls run in there and just start fucking trampling people. But anyways, let me shut this fucking TV off. This is really fucking with my brain here.

I don't know why if I liked all that type of shit, why watching somebody ride a motorcycle 200 fucking miles an hour. It's absolutely, you know what is amazing to me is these guys are so good that when they go down they don't die somehow You think they I mean not saying people don't die, but you'd think they would die every fucking time. You know what I mean? The fact that you can wear a fucking suit That is so goddamn strong you can go 200 miles an hour and you can fall off your fucking bike and it just doesn't like what should happen there is like after fucking two seconds of skidding on the asphalt at 200 miles an hour immediately

you should just see the guy's ass his bare ass should be there and then you just see it looks like steak and then it would look like bones and and then that would just be it, and the guy would be dead. You would think that that would happen every time. And these fucking guys just slide in these goddamn suits. They're incredible. Not saying people don't die, but I think this is sort of my next thing, man, because what's funny this time of year, when hockey ends and basketball ends, everybody who's a football fan,

pixie the hockey or hoop for the most part. All right, very few go hockey and then wait and go baseball. I only know a couple guys like that. So people go hockey or fucking hoop. And people who watch hockey don't watch hoop, people who watch hoop don't fucking watch hockey. They have nothing in common with each other. And the only thing that they have in common with each other other than their love of football is the sheer fucking panic of the day after the game seven of your

final or your finals when that's over and you're like holy fuck, what am I going to do now for the next two and a half fucking months is I wait for the NFL regular season to start and I'm not shitting on baseball, because I love baseball. I just, the fucking dog days of summer, I can't stand like, you know, who the fuck wants to go out to the ballpark? It's like fucking 100 degrees out.

You know who does diehards? I guess I'm not a diehard baseball fan, but I love it, I love it in October. So I needed a sport and Formula One dude I'm telling you like the race today was it was only like something like 50 something laps you can really just sit down and they bang it out in a couple of hours you know you get to learn about other fucking cities you know half of them they go to you like oh shit I'd like to go there get all those people

hanging out calling it right now at some point I'm gonna hit a fucking country when they have a formula one race is actually one here It says the United States says United States Grand Prix for the life of me I think it's in Austin, Texas, which is really disappointing to me that that's where they're gonna fucking have it You know, I mean, why the fuck is it in Austin, Texas? They should have that thing in like Chicago Chicago should have a Formula One fucking race. That's a cool ass fucking city. You know?

Fucking zipping over the rivers at one point. Only one car could make it. They'd probably kill each other. I don't even know what the track looks like in Austin, but all I know is Austin is a great city once you're in it. Trying to get to it with that fucking traffic is an absolute goddamn nightmare. So anyways, I guess this is a place here where I would actually pause, right? And I would do some sort of advertising.

I'm just going to say this so I can edit it in later. We're going to pause here right now. Do a little bit of advertising. Where the fuck is my Reeds? Come on, give me the Reeds, give me the Reeds. Ah, you cunt. All right, but you know what? It doesn't matter to you guys, because this is not going to be in real time for you. So, oh my God, does this podcast suck as bad as it sounds in my fucking head right now? You know what I was going to say about Baltimore? Every time I go to Baltimore, the Baltimore, I always think

about The Wire. And I was going to go, remember The Wire? And then I was going to go, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, which is for Law and Order. I can't even remember how the fucking song went. I just remember the song in the end, the guy was screaming up, but as you can tell, I'm kind of losing my fucking voice with the voiceover shit and screaming

about my dick here on stage. But you know what I'm psyched about? Is my fucking act is coming together and I'm getting ready to do another special. I think I'm gonna do it in October. And all I gotta do is just get through these last three fucking episodes, okay? Give 100% on that shit and then that's it.

Then all of a sudden, it's old Billy fucking flank steak Remember when I said I wasn't gonna drink you know I fucked up on Thursday Friday and Saturday okay, but I was great Monday Tuesday Wednesday and Sunday right so when I get back I'm going back to not drink it. I got it. I got to get back off this, but I just I don't know what happened You know I fucking I Don't happen you know what happened. You know, I fucking, I don't know what happened. You know what happened? I went on the fucking road. That's what happened.

I went to New York and I met up with some fucking friends and they're like, hey, let's go to this fucking bar. And then, you know, it's like one of these wine bars, you know, so you don't feel like you're drinking. So I showed up, you know, another buddy of mine, it's fucking comic. I'm not going to say, I don't want wanna name any names, but this guy's fucking hilarious, and he comes in, and it was hilarious. Verzi called him out, he just goes like,

because he showed up, and I know what you're saying, but why did you go to a wine bar? Because there were ladies there, and that's what they fucking picked, right? So they were like, all right, we'll fucking go there. So he shows up, and I immediately go, dude, it's a wine bar. I don't, because he wanted a beer and a shot and his face fucking dropped and Verzi called out.

He goes, dude, the level of fucking disappointment on your face. And then we find out that they had beer and they did have a shop. It was just, you know, this foofy place. So the dude goes, you know, can I get you something to drink? He goes, yeah, can I just get a Bud Light? And the guy's like, uh, yeah, no, we don't have Bud Light. Uh, we have a ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-boo-boo, whatever the fuck it is, some Italian beer. And he goes, the guy's like, a what?

And he's like, a ba-ba-ba-ba-boo-boo. And he just goes, uh, is that a beer? And the guy goes, yeah, and he goes, all right, I'll have one of those. And, uh, I don't know what happened. And we started doing tequila shots and the whole fucking thing went off the rails. And I'm a fat fuck and I don't like myself right now. There, I said it. I'm fucking in a hotel room in Baltimore, eating French fries in bed. Huh? Like some fucking, I don't know, somebody whose dreams didn't come true. That's who eats French fries in bed. Or maybe people who fucking everything worked out for him and they're just so fucking bored

that you know, like Marlon Brando, whatever the fuck his issue was. Oh, I've won every award that exists. Bring me a fucking elk's head. He just sat in bed just gnawing on the fucking antlers for like ten years and all of a sudden, you know, he's ready to do the fucking, what is it, what the fuck, Gorilla Monsoon movie? I have Biopic, I have no, I don't know how those things work. I don't pretend to fucking know. So anyways, we're gonna pause here

for a little bit of advertising before we come back with a Monday morning podcast. Okay, and we're back. So I figured it'll take me a good fucking three minutes to read those cunts. Maybe five minutes, whatever. So that means I can get to the questions right now, can't I? I think I can. Don't get too close to the mic, Bill. Second you fucking exhale, it all goes off the fucking rails.

All right, here we go. All right, advice first. You know, some cunt in fucking Ireland, some cunt in Ireland gave me shit about the ticket prices. I think that's a little bit too much. I think you're funny. It's like, hey, douche, how about the fact I'm flying from the other side of the fucking world almost onto your fucking doorstep? That's not enough for you? Who's going to pay for all that fuel?

All right, here we go. Advice for a daft Scotsman. Hey there, you redheaded cunt. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, I cannot fucking wait to go back to Scotland, Ireland, and all these fucking places. These miserable cunts are some of the funniest people you're ever going to meet.

Alright, he says I'm 26 year old guy from near Glasgow, Scotland. For quite a while, I was in a bit of a rut, but eventually I managed to pick myself out of it and decided to do something that I've always wanted to do. I took a big step and decided to buy a ticket to a festival in Chicago. I said, shit, I love Chicago. He said, I booked my flights and I'll be in the city for a week. That's tremendous. He said, basically, my question is, as I'll be traveling alone and will be staying alone, how easy is it to just hang around and strike up conversations with complete strangers in

a different country? Have you ever found difficulties in finding common ground in conversation with people from different countries? Also, any faux pas I should avoid when talking to Americans so I can prevent getting my cunt kicked in? All the best you fat shaming prick." All right, it's a lot of questions there. Well the only time I ever traveled is when I'm doing stand-up. And then after the show, there's always people that just saw you do a show, so I've already broken the ice.

But first things first, why don't I tell you a couple places to go to from my little fucking places to go thing that I have in my fucking phone that my wife used to make fun of. She made fun of places to go and she was laughing. And then you know what? We went to one of those fucking places and then all of a sudden, you know, she's just, she has total faith in it. Now she tells me, hit it. Alright, here's what I would go. Alright? If you like a nice fucking, a great fucking bar for music and that type of thing I go to the Liars Club If you like cigars, there's a place big cigar Emporium

Check that fucking place out and then as far as food and all that shit I would just tweet about it because I'm not a big fan of deep dish pizza You know what I mean? I just don't understand it. I don't understand deep dish pizza the way, I don't understand why coffee and tea have to be so fucking hot. You know what I mean? So it gets the fucking, the tea bag all in the water maybe?

Is that what the fuck it is? I just don't understand. But you have to wait like an hour before you can drink it without scalding your fucking mouth and when it comes to deep-dish pizza it's just it's just it's just too fucking much you know and you can't just get a slice of it that they bring the fucking thing over it's it's like hey you want some lasagna yeah but not a whole fucking tray you You know? But you should definitely try it.

If you get one that actually has a really good crust, it is pretty amazing, but it's just like, I mean, you can literally split one piece with somebody else. It's so fucking big. And my wife said the funniest shit about it. She called it an abomination. She goes, it's the ultimate expression of American gluttony. She goes, go to Italy, you won't see anything over there like it.

And it's true. When we went to Italy, you know, they have like, we have all our American versions of their dishes, you know what I mean? But there's no deep dish pizza in Italy. At least not in any place. We went to in Rome That's the only place I've been to but you don't see it That's what she said. She goes, you know why because it's an abomination So anyways as far as I found in that that Liars Club people were fucking cool as hell if you're into the music and shit

It's a good time. But dude, you're gonna be coming over with your fucking accent? I wouldn't go to the fucking, you know, depends on what you're into. I would go to a place where there's gonna be a bunch of beautiful women. That's what I would do. And then you go over there and you just fucking, just start talking and I think you'll be in the fucking game

and there'll be, who'd you come over here with? Be like, I came over by myself. I always wanted to come to Chicago and just literally you know how he did what do you what do you fucking birds do whatever the fuck you guys talk right what the fuck you fucking do over here for fun yes get it wearing cunt right whatever the fuck you're gonna say and they're gonna love it they're gonna love it. They're gonna love it. Even if you ask them, hey, for a fucking shag,

however the fuck you say fucking in your country, it's gonna seem so cool to them and so different, and then also they're gonna be more adventurous, because the story's leaving with you when you go back, when you fly back to Scotland. How can you avoid getting your head kicked in? Don't do what everybody else from other countries do, is you come here and you criticize the United States and talk about how dumb we are, how fat we are, how awful the foreign policy

is, how our football players are pussies because they wear pads, Why do you call it football all of that dumb shit? You know what I mean? It's so fucking obnoxious You know You know why it's obnoxious because they those kinds of people always come here and they act like these they're these worldly traveled people You know and oh I come from here and I come from there and we can do this and we can do that And it's just like well in all of that fucking travel You never learned to be on your best behavior when you come to somebody's country, and you don't come in and insult it So you make your whole country look like a bunch of fucking snobby cunts. You never learned that one

I am always among my best fucking behavior when I go to a different country I'm not saying I don't go out and get fucking hammered, but like I don't go there and shit on it. You know, some of these places I go to, I'm fucking talking to people, I know this place is nice. They always say, why the fuck did you come here? I remember I was in Oslo, Norway. I said, you know, I'm gonna be, you guys, thanks a lot, you guys, it's been great.

I'll definitely be back. And somebody yelled out, why. Well. Thanks a lot. You guys been great. I'll definitely be back and somebody yelled out why It's just struggles like what what do you mean why why the fuck wouldn't I It's fucking beautiful. I don't know Anyway, so I would avoid doing that and then just everything else is common sense. You know somebody's you know Looking like a psycho, just fuck him. Leave him alone. But I don't know, dude.

I mean, I judge a lot of Scotland on that movie Trainspotting. I don't go into any bars where there's an upper deck to it, because I just feel like there's going to be that guy up there that's going to finish his fucking pint and just throw the glass over his head, cut open some woman's face. If it's even remotely like that over there, I think you're going to be fine in Chicago.

I would definitely try to go to a Cubs game. No offense to White Sox fans, but you guys all know that your fucking stadium stinks. You know it stinks. It's the only time I ever saw a new stadium built, and they admitted so quickly, like, wow, we really fucked this up. Let's try to like, it was like a botched nose job. You know what I mean?

Like your stadium is is the fucking stadium version of like, you know, when some Hollywood chick or somebody they get too much work done on their face and people, oh, my God, what happened? That's what you did with that stadium. They're like, well, let's wait till it settles. Let's see what happens. You know, now. So they go, but you picked a great fucking city

to go to, Chicago is the shit, and you picked a great time of the year to go there. I will tell you, the traffic is fucking horrific, so just get ready for that, but once you're in it, it's fucking phenomenal. All right, where do we go here? All right, Dear Billy Stretchy Pants, on your podcast some time back, you were talking about

someone getting with someone else and One of the people gaining a bunch of weight Oh, yeah, when you start dating somebody how it's not fair to the other person for you to then put on a bunch of fucking weight Unless you're a woman you having a baby. That's obviously you know I'm not a fucking animal here, but I'm just saying you know After you have the kid you know That's what that's when you know After your wife has a kid two things should happen

This is what you do you get a little bassinet for the beautiful baby And then the second thing you do is you get an elliptical for your wife But so she doesn't get mad at you what you do is you get her initials engraved on the side of it in plastic of course Totally kidding all right. I Was already a few weeks into whipping myself back into shape Okay, let me just talk this over again because I've even forgot what the fuck he's talking about on your podcast sometimes back You sometime back you were talking about someone getting with someone else and one of the people gaining a bunch of weight

I was already a few weeks into whipping myself back into shape, but this really helped me solidify my will. Well, that's fucking great, man. That's great. I wish you... Can you help me? Because I... You know what's...

Sitting in a fucking writer's room is like... I eat there like the way I eat on the road. I mean, it's just fucking hard to try to eat healthy. It's just... You're just bored. You're freaking out. You're locked in the fucking room. You're like, I'm going to eat some fucking hard to try to eat healthy. It's just, you're just bored, you're freaking out, you're locked in the fucking room, and you're like, I'm going to eat some fucking candy

for no reason. I'm sitting there every day like it's Halloween and I'm fucking seven years old, I gotta stop. All right. It made me think that I should really give my lady the respect of maintaining something close to the body I had when she got on this train. She loves me, she has stayed with me

in spite of the lumpy beanbag chair I have become. I am now 15 pounds down with a bunch more to go, but I am back on my routine. Four or five trips to the gym at 5.30 in the morning. Dude, you're fucking killing it. That's great. And calorie counting as well. I know exactly what to do. It's just the time now. My question is this, how do you deal with it if your lady wants you to eat the same stuff she is, or wants to go to a shitty fried food restaurant? Anyways, thanks man. Hope season two of F'ers for Family is coming along well. It is, thank you sir. Can't wait to see it.

And I loved your last show in Austin. Hurry back and come during the football season. We had a monster fucking recruiting class this year. Thanks, you bastard. Oh, that's great, man. You're good. Longhorns should be good. It's a legendary college program there. All right.

All right. How do you deal with it? I would just say, that's easy as easy. Just sit down with her and just say, hey, listen, you know, when you got with me, I was however years old and I weighed this much, and I don't think it's fair for me to have put on all this fucking weight, you know, and to be looking like a lumpy beanbag chair, like you said.

So I'm really trying to get myself back into shape. So I was wondering if, you know, you know, if you want to eat something that's a little unhealthy, is there any way we just can go to a place that has healthy options for me? All right, because I don't want to look bad for you, and I also don't want to die early.

So you're fucking, you know, in your 40s and 50s, having to put lipstick on and get the fuck back out there again and try to meet somebody who works down at Sears. I don't want to do that to you. I'd like to be here for the long haul. Dude, there's no fucking way she'll give you shit about that. That's a very easy thing to happen. And then also, I think, sorry, I'm looking at the timer.

I also think that she would be happy to hear that you weren't just doing this for some vain reason yourself, that you were actually also doing it for her I think that that would be pretty cool now watch now watch you'll fucking get some big fucking fight you know are you seeing these thing I eat bad do you say I'm fat yeah she blows her sales manager all right read this okay all right I'm gonna read this relax what's up dick? Let's go fucking Bruins Can't wait for next season. I just moved to wildly mediocre Los Angeles Well, yeah, that's what you're gonna feel like cuz you just fucking move there

But if you stay open-minded Which is really difficult for East Coast people to do I did that the first time I came to LA I went to LA and I tried to do Boston, New York shit. And then when I couldn't, I was like, oh, this place fucking sucks. It doesn't, it's fucking amazing. Beautiful women, some of the best food you're ever gonna have, so much outdoor activity.

Just fucking embrace it. Stop trying to be the fucking Boston guy. You're not on a reality show, all right? Take it down a few fucking notches. Nobody gives a fucking Los Angeles that you don't like it. Everybody just thinks, well, then go back to fucking Boston. Go back to Philly, wherever the fuck you're from. If it's so fucking great, why did you accept the job out here? All right. Sorry. I'm just heading you off at the pass before you come another cunt shitting on fucking LA. He said, I work for the UFC editing fight highlights

Thanks for keeping entertained with your semi literate Bibble babble bullshit day after day. This is like a classic East Coast guy He really likes me and likes what I what I do But he just can't get himself to say it because his dad never hugged him So I'm not taking any of this personally anyways My girlfriend is about to move here to meet me. She had to stay behind when I moved because she's a teacher and needed to finish out the school year. We get along great. I trust her and she treats me better than I deserve.

However, sometimes I can't take how ditzy she can be. Uh oh, I'm starting to pull some threads here. She is successful and very book smart, but sometimes lacks common sense I find myself feeling embarrassed when she says some stupid shit in front of my friends or parents It's kind of a hard thing to discuss with her though. You know what shit what the fuck should I do also? I'm coming to your show at the Sabin theater this Monday. I'm looking forward to it, so don't blow it Well, I appreciate you coming out to that like I said it's You know for a really good friend of mine and for a great cause.

So thank you for doing that. All right. Well, here's the deal, dude. You either have to accept the fact that she can be a little ditzy, or you have to come to the realization that you're dating a fucking dope and you've got to get rid of her. It's one or the other. a fucking dope and you gotta get rid of her. It's one or the other.

I mean, look, she doesn't sound like she's 100% that. I've dated people like that that were a little, you know, they were either locked in or just sort of floating. It was really weird and they could say really like amazing, like spot on shit and then two minutes later could just say something like, oh my god, what the fuck was that? But I have to tell you, that's kind of a big deal though,

dude, you know? You can't think that the person you're dating is a dope. You know, you get into that situation and, I don't know, you start thinking about getting married, you start thinking about having kids, you're like, is my kid gonna be be half a dope or a full-on dope? Is the kid going to get all of that DNA from her? Who the fuck knows? It's kind of a hard thing to discuss with her, you know? What are you going to say to her? Can you stop saying dumb shit? I mean, there's no way to

do that. You know? I'm trying to think. That's like my wife telling me to work on my, I mean I do work on my temper, but I mean it's kind of how I'm made up. I mean if somebody's ditzy, they're fucking ditzy, that would be like my wife telling me, okay can you be a little less pasty? It's like I can become red for a few days. Ha ha ha ha.

That's about the best I can do. I don't know what else you want from me, but you know I think you need to maybe move on. I'm not saying you need to move on. You either accept this about her or you gotta walk one or the other. All right, here's another one. Jesus Christ, can't come. And I don't mean to the wedding.

How's it going, Billy Butterballs? If you're reading this on Monday, it's fucking sick. June 20th, Will is my 21st birthday. Oh, Jesus. I don't know what's going on here. Great gift hearing you read this. Well, you're not gonna hear it until fucking Monday anyways.

All right, I'm emailing today though, is I was with this girl last summer, some good sex, no big deal, but we didn't have anything going on during the year when we were at college. Well, we're back at it this summer, but the thing is, I can't come. I mean, I'm doing good, pretty good, PPM, pumps per minute minute but I just can't finish. Now I know you're not a doctor so not gonna ask you why but how should I go about this? I think she's getting self-conscious but she's a hard eight and I'm a soft six. She's hot it's not her fault. Daddy can finish. Daddy can't finish when the pressure is on. How

should I be playing this? I can only laugh it off for so long. I'll try not jerking off too. Maybe that'll help. Any advice? Thanks for the read man. Hopefully I'll be able to come check you out when you come back East Coast.

Maybe Baltimore on Sunday. Go Sox, go fuck yourself. Yeah, don't rub one out. If you're watching too much porn. Maybe that's a problem or Maybe you know you don't want to be in a relationship with her and that's the weird way your body's reacting like you're wasting time So we're not gonna fuck I don't know there's a bazillion psychological reasons, but yeah, I yeah, just don't rub one out For a while you know this is another thing too, women are fucking, they're very forgiving people. I wouldn't laugh it off, I would talk to her about it

and just say, listen, obviously this is happening, it's bothering me, I'm feeling pressure about it and I'm also feeling like in a roundabout, I just don't want you to be taking my issue on, like there's something you're doing, you're not doing anything wrong, there's something going on with me and then she'll be like well maybe you should go talk to somebody about it and because you're a fucking

Red Sox fan I'm assuming you're from the Boston area you don't want to go to therapy and even if you do go to therapy it's not gonna help because you probably have enough Irish blood in you and they've always said who is that fucking psychologist that said the Irish are like immune to therapy? Um... I don't know, if you like this girl I would definitely talk to her about it. But there's no reason to put any pressure on yourself, you know what I mean? Just don't rub one out, don't watch any porn.

Just, uh, you know... I don't know. Just let it back up. I don't fucking know, I'm not a doctor. Jesus Christ Jesus Christ. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Wind it down wind it down. All right heroin. I Have no family. No friends. I work and support myself. I have no kids no relationship I actually enjoy freedom and being alone to an extent I'm in my 20s. I had a lot of sex relationships and ended up getting herpes

In my 20s, I had a lot of sex relationships and ended up getting herpes slash HPV. I would basically rather just not tell people and not have relationships than to have to. At 35 years old, deal with having to explain slash tell this to women. I really like heroin. What the fuck? Jesus Christ, buddy. What are we doing here? This doesn't sound real real I really like heroin I go to work come home and use heroin on a daily basis I still pay my bills I still work but I have traded the

pleasure of sex slash having a family slash relationships for that of watching TV shows slash movies while high on heroin asleep, then going to work the next day. Should I change this? Is this real? I'll treat it as real. Should I listen to society, stop using, go out there and find women and tell them about my situation and hope they do not reject me and get clean? Or if I am happy, is it okay for me to just accept the women part of my life is over, eat whatever I want, use whatever drug I want, and fill the time I have left on this planet

watching shows, movies, playing games, and resigning myself to the fact that I will be alone. Love the podcast, heroin gets a bad rap. It may sound crazy, but people can use opiates and still be responsible. I know many people who do. It's like alcohol. Both can be physically, this is really fascinating. Or maybe it's a big lie.

I don't know. It's alcohol. It's like alcohol. Both can be physically addictive. Alcohol can actually kill you with withdrawals while heroin cannot. And the deaths you hear about heroin are from idiots overdosing. If we well what if you get a bad batch isn't that something you know it's too fucking strong? I don't know I don't pretend to

know all right if we reported all the deaths from alcohol involved incidents they're easy well they do report all of them as far as I know it's like they're trying to hide them They are easily 100 times more than heroin related deaths But in our society right now opiates are not acceptable because too many white middle-class parents are finding their idiot kids using them without understanding tolerance slash Proper dosing anyways love the podcast. I'm not leaving any contact info, so I have no way to know if you read this. Just thought it might be an interesting subject for your show. It is interesting. Yeah, dude, I don't pretend to know anything about opiates. All I do know is that they...

I know alcohol can ruin your life, but I don't think it's nearly as addicting as heroin. I have heard that people can fucking... I don't know. But I think if what you're saying is true, I think you're a rare person that can handle that. I have no idea. Ah, fuck. Now I gotta look some shit up.

The last thing I wanted to do, and I gotta get going here. I got my fucking show here in a half hour. Oh, the live reads are here, the live reads are here. I guess I'll read them here then. Let me just see something. Let me just look up. Alright, look up. Productive while on heroin. Heroin and employment, independent drug model. Let's see, productivity and heroin addiction. What is this? How heroin addicts in Vietnam, what is this? Productivity and heroin addiction, how living in a cave turned me into a blogger. I failed my New Year's resolution. I wish I could do better. I just don't have enough willpower.

Have you ever set a goal you didn't achieve? Ever tried a New Year's resolution that didn't stick? What separates the 0.5% from the 99.5%? What makes some people succeed in building new, sustainable habits, but almost everyone else fails? How living in a cave turned me into a blogger. Where the fuck's the heroin shit? Some people succeed in building new sustainable habits, but almost everyone else fails. How living in a cave turned more the fucks to heroin shit. How heroin addicts in Vietnam and your productivity habits are the same. What? Everyone knows the horrible effects of heroin addiction.

Once someone starts taking heroin, it's almost impossible to quit, and those who form a recurring habit will likely never quit. So why didn't heroin-using Vietnam vets relapse when they returned to the USA? A study from the Washington School of Medical and Public Medicine, very few heroin-using Vietnam veteran relapses, what? Very few heroin-using veteran relapsed, relapsed when they returned to the USA. And those who did were more likely to have been illicit drug users before ever arriving in Vietnam. These vets weren't addicted to the chemicals and heroin. They were addicted to the experience of heroin in a specific situational context.

In the same vein, you think you're in control of what you do. You think that when you fail, it's a failure of your willpower. But the fact is, you don't even realize the influence of the environment has on you. Did you know that obesity spreads through a network of friends? Happiness also spreads throughout a social network. Your situation determines your choices as much as, or more, than your own personal choices and willpower. So how can I use this to improve my habit? Oh, Jesus Christ. Join a Wally Ball League.

I don't even know what the fuck that was. All right, let me look up, let me just read these fucking things here. You know what, I might read up on that. I probably won't. I'll try to... I would never tell people to fucking, you know, hey, it's just heroin. You know, that seems a little crazy to me. And people always come in with alcohol.

It's like the fucking pot smokers always doing that shit. Well, alcohol actually, man, there's no medicinal purposes to fucking... I get it, I get it. But you know, you guys are also, you know, you're pie in the sky fucking thing with weed. Like it's... Like you can't get addicted to weed is another fucking thing. Jesus Christ. Okay, yeah, you just really like it. That's all, you know? Once again, as always, have a great week, you fucking

cunts. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you. It's all in the air, yeah. Check this. Better believe it, Teonum. This is rough and tough. Cause your heart ain't put in right. I'm a shy, I'm immigrant. You take a beat quick, you turn your nose up. You think you're high up, you play it real safe. And then your shit's fake.

I see you hold one, and then you crack my spam. And then you gotta put it up. You think you're up, till I walk That means do it yourself, I don't sit around waiting For someone's help, I don't sit back That's a good enough, I keep on diving real good Keeping off the top, but someone keep the level