Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-21-18

Episode Date: June 21, 2018

Bill rambles about flying home hungover, movie snobs, and Guns N' Roses.

Dude hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and Just checking in on you What's going on? I am back the United States of America Well, you can get a gun you can marry a man and Where I don't know you can you can go get a big gulp You can do whatever the fuck you want here man. This is Merrick

Land of the freight Land of the freight Land of the Slurpee Yes, got back yesterday Pretty easy flight, you know, I thought I was gonna be oh, I thought it was gonna be a rough one. Okay Got on with my wife and my lovely daughter And of course my daughter starts screaming bloody murder right in the beginning because you know poor thing It's tough for him, right?

And this fucking guy in front of us, right? We're flying business class. Everybody's got a little bit of the hey You know, we almost made it didn't we huh? Didn't we all 20 rows away from first class And My daughter did some high-pitched scream and the guy just fucking put his hands straight up in the air like really Then he started and then he started turning around looking at us. So I fucking Popped my head up like a goddamn Something to meet his eyes like dude really it's a fucking baby. He used to be a baby

You were on a plane and you were screaming you fucking asshole People would like to have problems with babies crying like you know as much of a cunt that I am I have not had a problem with that It actually, you know babies start crying on a plane makes me it's I've said this before it makes me laugh because they're expressing literally what I'm thinking I'm ready to start crying. I don't fucking Do this You know, how far is it? Could everybody Explanate the boarding process right and nobody listens to them. They're all standing up

They're shoving jackets in the overhead compartments, you know, they're acting like a bunch of babies So anyways later on the flight I ran into the guy up front When he was pouring himself a drink and I went up then I got drink I say sorry about the baby crying He's like, oh, no problem. It's a baby. Oh, now you're a good guy now You're good them for us the flight he was he was cool. He was making faces at her and shit, you know, I get it You you you paid for business class You're about ready to take a 10-hour flight and some kids screaming bloody murder, you know Really kind of ruins it, but you know, that's what they made earplugs for there was like three babies in our section

And they were all putting on their own show, but um after a while my daughter settled down But she scared the daylights out of a lot of people There's a lot of people that are just fucking selfish assholes like they were born adults You know the looks that they did they they fucking give you although we even worse. They'll give you a kid It's just like wow Makes me feel better about myself, man. I mean, I know I know I'm an asshole, but Jesus, you know I I stopped short of mean mugging a fucking toddler No, I've probably done that

Not a toddler, but when I see a fucking spoiled brat in a store and his parents have no control over him or her and She wants something or he wants something they don't get it. They start fucking crying Oh, man, they make eye contact with me. Oh, I'll shoot him a look. I admit it. I'll do it you know, I Love it when the parent doesn't give it and doesn't give the kid the fucking toy or the piece Whatever the candy bar, whatever the fuck the kid wants. I don't know what it is about me about it But it just gives me so much joy when the kid doesn't get what he wants You know and when the fucking kid gets what he wants, I just I always think you fucking pussy. I always think that I

Don't know it has to do with my childhood has nothing to do with children or or or my beliefs in What we're trying to do with asses. All right. I'm just being honest with you fuckers. Sorry. I'm after Punishing these people with my French. I'm trying to get my American My American back together. We speak American over here. This is America. We speak English Anyways Saw guns and roses for the first time in my life Monday night and Got ridiculously hooked up I'm not gonna name any names and be a douche here

But I just want to thank everybody who fucking was a part of hooking me up and it was insane We basically sat on the side of the stage They gave us these inner ear monitor. So we heard the band mix And you could hear Axel making jokes in between songs and stuff, you know If you saw something just making a random comment, it was fucking amazing. It was amazing It was like being in Bill Belichick's headset and I have to tell you something that fucking show Might have been the best concert I've ever been to and

I don't even know where to begin first of all we're in a fucking Giant field right outside of Paris The sun was going down. There was all these beautiful clouds And my view is basically I see the backs of all the musicians which With the sun fucking going down. I got some killer I mean granted their cell phone pics and everything but like First of all, they didn't tune down any song They played every song in the exact same key that Axel sang them in 30 fucking years ago and he crushed it

I cannot I can't overstate how well that guy's voice How well he sung how great his he sounded like the fucking record and they did a three hour show Three hour show. I'm an old man Okay Fucking hour and a half. I'm I'm usually ready To be done with it. But this three fucking hours in I was actually sad when it was over um

I I don't even know where to be it was fucking unbelievable slash took this amazing solo axels Voice sounded incredible Duff sang a song and then they had they threw some covers in there too You know, I don't want to ruin the show for people who want to go see him. But every cover they did um Was by some other beast singer that sang really up in the higher register and uh axel crushed all of it and um It's the best the band to sound

Sounded since way back in the day. I feel uh back when that classic one that they aired on mtv that I watched a Thousand fucking times that one where they think they were at the roxy. Was that what it was in new york? and um I remember that was on I had that on taped it on vh vhs tape on the vca And there was who's that fucking vj with the long blonde hair And he used to wear the leather jacket. He was from europe or something And he was going uh, this band supposed to be the next big thing if they live long enough, right? What's amazing is 30 years later. They're all alive

Uh, but that was the big thing But anyways, I It was fucking unbelievable. That's all i'm gonna say So if you get a chance to see them on this tour, definitely go see them like I said I I I can't remember the last time they sounded this good. Uh, this might be the best they ever sounded so and um And that's it and neah was going fucking nuts During the show she actually She actually got a reaction from duff and slash and I'm sorry and uh axel

Duff big smile laughing watching how crazy neah was going and then axel actually imitated the dance that neah was doing So needless to say she had a great fucking time And uh, I'm smiling now thinking about it. It was it was the perfect fucking way to end that trip Um, so there you go Um, and now I am back and I oh, oh billy. Oh freckles his jet lagged. I did my best. I stayed up until eight o'clock um You know last night, but then the old kiddo got up at three in the morning, so I've been up since three and that's been a mess I uh, oh by the way, I finally broke into that fucking

bottle of uh, that chocolate salted vodka liqueur or whatever something. I don't even know what the fuck it was Holy shit. Was that a hangover? I didn't even have that much. I was just drinking vodka I was just pouring it into kind of like, you know spruce it up and it tasted like ass But uh, you know, it was given to me by a relative. So it's like I got I got it out of respect for them I got to drink some of this shit and the next day I woke up And I was like, oh my god, it wasn't even a hangover. It was like a body pain

And I felt like I was I was gonna puke like I just need to get something to eat so I go down this I go down the rule the rule. How does that sound rule? How are the fuck they talk over there and I I'm looking for a boulangerie that is open And I find one night. I just got a couple of croissants a couple of pandous chocolat Not all for me. I was getting them for everybody and uh But I was I was fucked up until I got on the plane and I basically had to start drinking again. It was one of those

soda hangovers and uh, oh my god, I got so Mad at my wife Where they had us with a 6 20 a.m. Pick up And my wife goes man, that sounds kind of early You know, we not taken off till 10 20 right and she pushed the pickup back By 40 minutes, you know, and I love how she doesn't live in paris And made this judge that same sounds early. So for an extra 40 minutes to sleep and um

I'm one of those people if they tell you to get that two hours before I get that two hours before You know not a care in the fucking world because I know I don't do well with that kind of stress All right, you want to stick me in a bar with a bunch of animals fucking throwing shit at a stage I can handle that I don't know why because I grew up with a bunch of animals But like when it comes to that type of shit All right, well you're looking at you know, you got your wife and your kid and you're looking at a 10 hour flight If the fucking people who live there And know where the airport is say it's a to to get picked up at 6 20 get picked up at 6 20

She pushed it till seven And everything was going great till we got there those air france grumpy grumpy fucking people working there We asked this lady. There's like no help. Where the fuck do we stand in line? Where do we check in they tell us this one line? We stand in it and then we get all the way to the front and this fucking asshole He's like no miss you do you do what I'm lying? It's like fucking Someone wearing the exact same shirt as you told us this was the right line and he was just like he was one of those guys who just takes joy

Fucking ruining your day. So then you then you had to go over you had to basically check yourself in Put the tags on your bags weigh your bags do the whole thing. I was I fucking I was working at the airport I'll tell you I almost gave myself a tip at the end of it. Okay. Um, it was ridiculous and then we finally get through Um, you know all night and then she had to go You know go go in exchange or whatever the fuck you do there with getting your tax money back She had to go fucking do that We stood in the wrong line and times taken times taken times taken and we got picked up 40 minutes later than they said

We should have and next thing, you know, we finally get through fucking security And I'm just going like this was so fucking stupid. We get through security And we have to Before we even go not security. We get through customs. We get through that then we have to up. We Discover at that point. We got to walk over half a terminal get on a fucking train before we get into this shit show security line And uh, yeah, we were going through the line. They were already boarding the plane and I oh my god was I fucking mad? I was just like it wasn't supposed it didn't have to be this way So my wife does what she always does when she's wrong is and she knows she's wrong. She just immediately apologizes

You know So then now what am I supposed to do? So now okay? Oh well, she said she was sorry. She said you're right. I messed up. I'm sorry But yeah, but now we're still in this situation I don't know my wife would do that in war You know if I was up on a fucking roof and she gave away her position and then all of a sudden We're taking on fire and she'd just be like, you're right. I'm sorry. I I shouldn't have Shuffled my feet like that What I said, I was sorry

You know what they do that shit What I said, I was sorry. I didn't know You know what you just like being mad, you know, they just turned the whole fucking thing around on you So I'm sitting there going they're bored in the fucking plane right now and all these fucking animals are going to be taking our overhead Compartment space and I'm just catastrophizing. I'm fucking I'm like that dude in platoon. Like I got a bad feeling about this, man And she is acting like uh, what's his face and Kelly's heroes? Um Uh, what's this? It's a what's a beautiful bridge, baby. It's gonna be there, right? She's all fucking Donald Sutherland. She's all fucking relaxed and I'm

Flipping the fuck out And of course we get on the plane, you know, we get there. They're still boarding the plane. We get on everything's fine The overhead compartment above our seats closed. I'm like, it's gonna be fucking packed with shit. I opened up. It was completely empty everything was great and uh, you know Then she tries to turn it around like you see You see look the the plane's even leaving late like what's the problem? I said, oh, that's a great idea So next time we go to another country where we're not really familiar with the plane

Let's leave 40 minutes later and let's just count on the fact that the plane's going to be late You know Look, I said it with sorry. I don't know what more you want from me What do you say to that? It's like, I don't want you to apologize now. Okay. I got to get the anger out first then you apologize Okay What I said it was sorry and then it all fucking goes away Jesus Christ And then it all fucking goes away Jesus Christ

You know god forbid I do something you fucking bring it up for nine years, right? What I said it was sorry Yes, but that doesn't blah blah blah Anyways, so I'm back here in the states. I uh been up since three in the morning. I got caught up on some of my Some of my shit that I had on the uh I still call it the dvr. Whatever the fuck you call the digital goddamn thing now I watched the moto gp race from uh, spain I watched Jorge Lorenzo absolutely dominate

I guess he's won two races in a row For ducati, right? David sio so crashed out for the second time In uh in two races three races, I guess So I guess that's causing a weird situation over there. I don't know much about it, but um, I could tell you that uh I'm hoping since David sio so seems like he's rapidly going to be out of this that uh Lorenzo keeps winning races because I would love to see him and marquez basically go neck and neck for it the whole way uh To the end, you know

I hate when like the guy basically has it wrapped up in september You know Valentino Rossi made his third fucking podium in a row. It was great cal crutch He'll finally got around that cunt took him like fucking 20 laps, but he did it Um, I enjoyed it. You know what? I was very tempted to try and go to that race, but I just couldn't leave my daughter You know what I mean? We had a relative over there helping us out and uh, I wasn't gonna leave them You know, I just felt weird leaving a country that isn't my country And leaving my daughter. So I said fucking I was getting a little bit too caught up in the hey

I'm turning 50 only turned 50 once. Hey, you only turned 51 once or 49 once asshole. You're a dad. So I was like, all right You know, um, I got hammered on the plane though. My wife got she was fucking pissed at me um Had a little bit, you know, I was thinking I was already gonna be on the wagon, but that's just that long-ass flight And um I watched that. Oh, I watched that fucking movie dunkirk Now, I know all you guys saw it in iMacs. I fucking blew it. I was too busy and I missed it. I watched it on a little airplane um

TV, but oh my god was that movie Unfucking believable and I knew it was going to be unbelievable because there's this thing out here in hollywood Where when people Cannot handle that somebody is that much more talented than them they act they they say the same thing I had a buddy of mine Saw that movie because did you see dunkirk yet? And I was like no I didn't I got to see how to hurt it's unbelievable He goes, yeah, he goes. I left the movie was like, I don't even know what I just watched Like I don't even know what I just want. I think we don't even fucking it's a fucking war movie you asshole

Jesus christ brush up on the history channel world war two Hitler's driving the allied forces into the ocean made a huge fucking blunder because he made a left turn He couldn't resist paris. He went down to paris to go down to get a boulangerie to get you know A chocolate dupont and get a little fucking frosting in his fucking charlie chaplin mustache He fucked up what he should have done was annihilates on that goddamn beach is what the fuck he should have done It's one of the great military blunders even I know that I know that because joe bartonik taught me that right Joe bartonik is a is he knows all about fucking world war two And then I watched the movie and it was just basically about these people

You know in in the uh Was it was it the french army the english army mainly english army You know some french people there too trying to get the fuck out of there so they didn't die I mean it was pretty basic What was going on there? But the way it was shot was incredible and I've just noticed out here in hollywood was when somebody is like Like when you see a fucking movie at that goddamn level I mean, I don't how would you even write that script? It's just so much action going on with no dialogue And it was it was breathtaking moving. It was incredible and like

You know one of the great things about knowing that you're a fucking moron is you can enjoy somebody else's genius I was just sitting there going I could never fucking do this. This is incredible and I loved it And this buddy of mine was just going yeah, I I don't even know why it's just watched I Mean I can see if you fucking watched, you know one of those scat films and somebody just shit on somebody's I don't what the fuck I just saw but I'm trying to forget it Um, I remember that when that batman movie came out With that actor who played the joker and won the oscar

um I'm so bad with the names and like his performance as the joker is is right up there with anything I've ever seen any actor do and I remember seeing this other big actor after he watched that movie saying the exact same fucking thing Like I don't know what I just want. I mean, maybe I'm not smart enough. I don't know what that movie was supposed to mean I mean It's just I don't know. I just watch maybe you just watch you just watch one of the great acting performances of all time And it's making you feel a little fucking Certain way about yourself

Give it up asshole. What's the matter? Huh? What do you play the green lantern all of a sudden you fucking can't handle? Why this guy played the joker? Um, I don't even know what I just watched So anyway, so I watched that movie And uh, I had a script to read. I'm a hollywood guy in a business class. I'm reading scripts, right? That's what I do Okay to see oh, which cop am I gonna play in this movie? So anyways, I uh

I started, you know, I went up to the front You know, I was walking my daughter up down the aisles and then I see this they got a bottle of glen And I was just like oh shit there we go all this stupid wine and cheese and this fucking thing And I just poured myself a glass of wine And when I saw when I saw that Well, I couldn't have done that. I wouldn't I couldn't have done that for my kid I don't know a lot of the flights of blur, right? So I brought my kid back and then that's right. I had the glass of wine And uh, then I saw the glen levitt and I was like, oh, that's what I want

Now what the fuck do I do with this? So I just sucked it down And yeah, then I started drinking that stuff and the second I break out like any sort of fucking brown stuff like me eyes are on me And uh, you know, I had the glass of wine I had some shitty american food and I had like three of those glen levitts and I got a fourth one, right? It's a 10 hour flight. I was pacing it. I was keeping myself I was doing the Keith Richards thing. You're nice

You get you get nice, right? And then you just kind of you keep it there. You don't get fucking messy Oh, whatever But uh, I got the fourth one she gave me the eyeball So I just set it down right and then I fucking took a nap for not more than 20 minutes And when I woke up it was gone And I was looking out she fucking told that lady to take the goddamn things and I had to just sit there You know beginning my initial descent into just sitting there stone fucking sober um

I don't know. So anyways, that was my last little hurrah. So now I'm on the wagon On the wagon, you know woke up this morning. Had my steel cut oats my two eggs over easy banana and some strawberries Then I'll probably have some miziki or bread with some fucking almond butter And of course for lunch. I've already made my quinoa so I learned how that's how you say it with some black beans maybe a little salsa Then I'll probably I don't know later on the afternoon have some exciting chickpea pasta Then I'll have a protein Size of my hand with some sort of garden salad and then I'm just going to crush waters and hit the elliptical

Back to that grind My vacation is over No more croissants. No more baguettes No more glen levitt all right Back to being regular i'm back to fucking clarkent um That's actually good. You know something's great about eating drinking like a pig over there is you fucking

you know By the way, we have we we have you know, I told you I had a relative on the plane too Okay, so it wasn't just my wife sitting there. Is her husband got shitfaced. Okay It was my wife and another relative staring at me. Well, I got shitfaced. I think it's shitfaced All right, but I got uh, you know, I was definitely tailgating How am I gonna lay off I I know I'm going on the wagon they got the bottles sitting right up there I paid all this money for business class Um, I always give her shit. I give you know, I'm not gonna get into it. You know, she gives me what he what the fuck you gonna do

You know what I should have done. I should have worked what I'm I'm sorry You're fucking you can't be drinking all this you're gonna you're gonna pass out and you gotta think anything What I said I was sorry What I said I was sorry Finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge the gene site test may help Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications? Understanding this may help reduce medication trial and error Gene site is a genetic test that analyzes variations in dna

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That's helix sleep comm slash burr for 125 dollars off your mattress order helix sleep comm slash burr all right That wasn't bad for being jet lag jet lag billy. What's the deal? Anyways, all right, so i'm back on it back on it. I did 50 minutes of yoga this morning at like four in the morning because my uh My lower body is not feeling good these days riding on all these goddamn airplanes So i'm gonna go get a fucking massage today have somebody jam their fucking elbow into my hammies Try to free him up again. You know my calves are all fucked up

um, I got this masseuse right She fucking kills me In a good way, right? I swear to god like my calves when she was pushing down on them. No one's ever like I didn't know you know Back in the day if anybody ever gave me a massage But any part of your body you sense him like yeah my calves my calves so they would stay away from me I didn't realize that that meant they were all glued up and shit So this person's been working on him and

I'm literally coming up off the table at barely any pressure from the elbow And she goes just what what's what does it feel like like what what type of pain I go? It feels like there's a ball of hornets In my fucking calves um But i've just been too busy to have her finish and get it all back to the way it used to be because Because whatever because of my fucking life, but I have to tell you man Um being a 50 year old man now if you if you can find a good masseuse

Uh, you the quality of life that you're gonna have You know if you stretch if you eat right if you don't drink glen All the way back from paris which I did i'm exaggerating for comedy effect. All right um Like I was having this problem where I would be I would lay down and I would watch tv for like Sometimes as little as like 20 minutes and when I would go to stand up like I had to stretch that's like how fucked up my calves were and um

Like I felt like my Achilles tendon was gonna snap like something was gonna snap So I've just been having this woman beat the shit out of my legs And uh, oh, that's you know, I found out it was back when I had that sciatic nerve issue Um, and I felt a little twinge of that starting to come back just that little bit of tightness. So uh I don't know she can turn me into hamburger tomorrow. Hopefully um, and that's it. All right. That's the podcast here for this week So great to be back here. Thanks again to everybody In uh, Dublin island island that came out to the show. Thanks to everybody london england Uh, you know, thanks to everybody in paris france for putting up with my french

um, thank you to guns and roses for Putting on the best concert i've ever seen And uh, and that's it. I guess i'm just really thankful Um, enjoy the music and you can listen to another half hour of uh thursday afternoon Just before friday monday morning podcast greatest hits from a thursday Early in this year or years ago. I have no idea. All right. Uh, that's it. Have a great weekend you Don't The

Good And then we started watching this This series on Netflix It was something about these chefs It was all these these french cooks And uh, it was great To hear the french language because I kind of stopped it once again. I was picking up, you know Little phrases here or there that made me feel good and these fucking

These chefs were incredible. We watched like two or three episodes of it. Of course, I don't know what the name of it is But it made me want to live in paris for like fucking three months Four months five whatever it would take just to get kind of passable And take a pastry making class I know that sounds like the stupidest thing ever But this fucking guy he takes like an apple and he was going like this guy was an artist He was just sitting there going like, you know, I'm so sick of making all these fucking things. I had to come up with some new Thing to do with an apple and he fucking just imagine if you just kept peeling a thing

Right if you were just peeling the skin off, but you just kept going all the way down to the core He did that and it was all one piece He did it with some hand crank thing And he said I wanted to make a rose out of out of an apple and he somehow did it and turned it into a dessert He was going to make it look like a rose But we have a whole work on the texture of the apple while also preserving a stain That's wonderful If you work with this, it's the essence, the sublime of life

I Fucking chopped a duck in a in a chicken and half and he sewed them together, which was very nazi-esque Slash american horror story that kind of creep me out And then of course they had to show how they fucking They were cooking lobsters live lobsters over an open flame. Can I can't you guys a question? What what did the lobster ever do to us? Every other animal has the decency of being dead before we fucking least in this country I know other countries

They got fucking maggots running around their apple jacks for extra protein, you know That's like us putting way potter into our shakes. They put like fucking bugs and stuff You know what I mean? Puts a little spring in your step a little twinkle in your eyes. So anyways, I'm watching this fucking lunatic and um For the life of me, I don't know why they just can't at least just can you just Fucking I don't know Can they make like a little lobster hammer and just fucking knock knock it out at least?

Does it have to be squirming on the flame and you have to keep telling me that it doesn't feel pain? It doesn't have a central nervous system. Whatever the fuck they try to say. It's just like Like what it's like an amoeba It isn't okay. The fucking thing's got eyeballs and shit. It's walking around. It's got its little tentacles What do we call it? Those those big fucking things coming out it can see it breathes You got to have pain that's part of survival, right? I wish there was a way to shut it off um Jesus i'm all over the map. I was talking about elli fucking not ellis you was talking about alabama u.s.c

Now where the hell am I so anyways the guy got sick of talking about uh After a while. He just got sick of the blood of all the animals And he got three stars over in in um in france and three stars is the highest you can get Which is so fucking peresian, you know what I mean? They're so fucking understated and classy I hate to say it as american, but they really are they really earned their snooty fucking behavior over there The people their style their clothes that they crush it You know mr. T got himself a gold chain and it was just like you know what one isn't enough Let me get fucking 9 000 of them and hang around. They're the exact opposite of that

They got like all muted colors and then bam a sick ass pair of shoes or a hat or the ladies with their bags Just fucking class. It's not like you know It's not like us loud americans, you know But it's good to be loud sometimes Oh Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr and it is the monday morning podcast For monday june 21st 2010 how the hell are you

God damn it. You like that. That's my like Come on. Let's fucking do this you know Like you gave up on your dreams and you picked an easy fucking Drone route Got a job at a corporation and i'm the first guy that you know you're gonna meet and i'm trying to get everybody on all in the same team Come on everybody You know, let's go look at some spreadsheets

Why can't I fucking hear myself i'm screaming right now and i'm not hearing the volume in my headphones These headphones getting old You don't are they made in america is anything made in america anymore? I have no fucking idea, but anyways i'm actually taping this on um What is it sunday june 20th, so it is father's day so happy belated father's day everybody You know, I hate that word belated Um happy birth uh happy birthday happy father's day to all the fathers out there who stuck around You know

Happy father's day You know even if the father's you know you married some twat and you realize you didn't you didn't love her anymore And you know she fucking took off and started banging the fucking dude down the street So you flipped out you threw some furniture and now you're considered a danger to her and your children You can't really see him today happy father's day to you too But no happy father's day to somebody who just knocks somebody up and never hung around You're not a father. You're a guy with a dick who shot a load into a vagina and you're fucking left You're left you're riding the bench. You're not in the game

So, uh Happy father's day fuckers um What'd you get you get some shit gifts? Like all guys get You know, what are women what do women get on mother's day? Huh? What do they get? Huh? They get fucking pancakes You know, what does a guy get A new breathable shirt for when he goes out mows the lawn that day. Is that what you get some fucking

What do you get a new driver? I'm a dad Get some fucking tool for the garage something to help you fix the fucking place up You know, I got a lot of balls. I actually got my girl, uh A gift certificate gift certificate to some cooking classes Uh one year for her birthday, you know, and that was one of those gifts as I gave it to her I was like, this is she's either gonna love this or I'm really gonna piss her off because It is a very nice gift, but there's also an element of uh, why don't you learn how to cook bitch? Um, but it wasn't that you know, this is actually a gourmet, you know, whatever

I'm gonna fucking make out in the deal It's a douchey gift and I gave it to her looked her right in the eye and said here you go Here's my gift to you that will make my life better because you'll become more of the person that I want you to be Did that make sense? Um, anyways, I had an awesome weekend working down the uh, the improv in hollywood Sold out three shows and let me tell you something It's a small club, but it's still I was very impressed that everybody came up because that's a hard ticket to sell here in hollywood you know When leonardo de caprio's also having a pool party the same fucking night

Do you think anybody wants to come down to the melrose improv? They don't When the fucking Corona girls are showing their twats up on fairfax and sunday Sunset sunday sunset or whatever all that hollywood shit's going on So the fact that everybody came down to see me was really awesome and even though the improv spelt my name incorrectly on the marquis b u r r r bill burr It will be performing tonight. Uh, I had a great time working out my new hour

Some hiccups here or there And uh, all the shows went great except for the late show saturday night. Uh, it's kind of had a weird show Where there was this woman talking this lady Was rubbing it running her fucking mouth as they do You know, they can't help it. They're emotional. Do you know women say like twice as many words a day as men What you fucking think I didn't notice? Do you think none of us Didn't notice, you know, just because you're saying

Twice as many words during the course of the day doesn't mean you're really saying anything You know You've ever been hanging out with people and everybody's running their mouths about how to solve a fucking problem And there's that quiet person in the corner and like when three words they sum up what the fuck we should be doing Just because you're running your yep Doesn't mean you're saying anything just because all you broads out there are so fucking afraid of silence You know because your clock is ticking Oh, whatever the hell's going on with your fucking bodies

Jesus christ Your fucking cycles Sorry, I don't know why i'm being so ignorant right now. I I respect women You know and their wombs and their ability though to uh, you know take a load You know and then fucking walk around as it gets created with no effort on their part whatsoever You know Me shooting a load really doesn't take any fucking effort, you know a couple of strokes back and forth. I'm a good two minute, man

Does that feel good? Uh, that's it That's my game deal with it You got to focus This is really disgusting. I usually don't do uh sex jokes like that a lot of bodily fluids so far But once again, i'm doing i'm doing this uh this part. Oh, no, no, no stay on target. Stay on fucking stay on stay focused here I was gonna talk about that, um The uh the third show so i'm doing my show and you know, it's going great And I hear this yammering and the you know out of my left ear and I look over and lo and behold

It's some woman talking to this other woman and I said hey, hey, and she was so involved in a conversation That I she couldn't even hear me You know standing 10 feet away with a spotlight and a microphone. She couldn't hear me so i'm going hey ma'am Ma'am. Yes you ma'am, please Huh, can you listen to me? Thank you So she shuts up I do my shit

And then like five minutes later. I don't know what she did. She started heckling me and by the way when the crowd Gives me shit. That's heckling When I give them shit. I'm not heckling there's like four people came up to me this weekend I like how you heckled that woman in the in the audience Heckling is what an audience member does We'll have the definition up on the mm podcast.com where you can get all your little tidbits Your little fucking bacon bits Off of the podcast if you're new to the podcast

And if I if I throw out references that you don't understand and when I recommend youtube videos And you like jesus christ do I have to go to youtube and I have to look up all these videos Wouldn't it be great if there was a web page that just had all the videos that he recommended In pictures of the references that he made and links to shit that he talked to Rather than me having to make a list on post it after post it in my fucking cubicle Well, we got that for you The mm podcast.com you go there. You'll see all of this shit And I described that so well. I totally forgot what the fuck I was talking about. Oh, that's right a definition of uh

heckling Heckling is what somebody in the crowd does to a performer All right, there's all different kinds of heckles There's you you could be heckling even saying something nice fucking up my rhythm I was walking down the street the other day. Oh, I've done that. I love streets You know That's a form of heckling. It's one of the hardest hecklers to deal with All right, but when I'm trash and someone in the crowd, I'm just doing crowd work

Doing crowd work if if they didn't say anything. Hey where you're from that's playing with the crowd, but it is not heckling So Stop coming up to me at the end of my show is going. I like the way you heckled that guy in the crowd How exactly did I do that? Did I sit in the audience and then put the audience on fucking stage? All right, bill. We got it. You made your point. Okay. You're right. You're right. Sorry. So anyways, um, anyways Like after I said, uh, man, man, man. Hello. I'm trying to do my act here. I got back into my act like five six five or six seconds later um She yelled something at me something some sort of non sequitur. Oh, I said, I got to take my dog to the dog whisperer and she goes

I go what she goes you said dog whisperer. So I went And it was just dead silence. I was like What and I was literally looking at her like this is does this person is this person mentally challenged Before I go because you got to make that assessment because you don't want to do that, you know so, uh I don't know. You know what ended up happening was she had a major issue with the fact that I called her ma'am You know Which brings up, you know a very interesting point in your life is where

A woman goes from young lady to a ma'am And when a guy goes from young man to a sir, you guys all remember remember the first time somebody called you sir a ma'am And you were like Jesus Christ. I'm fucking old But after a while you deal with it and you start you forget You forget the people are even saying that Especially because most of the time nowadays when someone's calling you sir or ma'am It's some douche on the phone that you're trying to get to help you, but they can't help you Yes, I'm sorry, sir. I understand sir. Yes. Well, there's nothing I can do sir

Ma'am ma'am. I'm trying to help you, but I'm sorry. I don't know why they transferred you to me ma'am And you're just more pissed off about the subject, but there is that moment The first time somebody calls you sir a ma'am, which I get but if you saw this lady, she was at least fucking eight years Into being a ma'am You know in fact a good friend of mine Watching the show Neil Brennan was standing back at the back of the room and after the show he goes she was so a ma'am You know and she was She looked like that girl who played nely on little house in the prairie

remember that the 13 year old cunt with the fucking Uh, Cindy Brady haircut at 15 And she was just a cunt the entire fucking series Well, just imagine if that cunt was now fucking like I mean this girl was like 36 37 easy Easy, you know, she already had you know when you start getting the jowls Is that whatever that you it's not your chin They call it a double chin, but it's really it's the flesh between your chin and your adam's apple It starts to sag a little bit gravity's been pulling on it. She had that and about two tons of fucking

blush on her face And um Oh, she was such a you know, she's douchebag of the week. She was really douchebag of the week She just kept running her mouth and um I know I got a thing why I try this is hilarious after everything I just said this week on the podcast so far I try not to attack. Uh, there's a few things I don't do. I don't I don't make fun of mentally challenge people You know, I I did that a couple times. My career did not go well

I felt like an asshole afterwards. So I cut that out And uh, you know, I don't go after women's looks That's usually that's usually a last resort Because uh, I don't know it just it just you know this believe it or not. There's certain things that it to me But on the podcast evidently I can fucking go off on women. Is that what it is bill? I'm trying to think of all the shit I said in the last 12 minutes. I'm sure I'm being totally fucking hypocritical right now But whatever it's my podcast

I was speaking of that shit My girl was watching one of these dumbass fucking shows this week You know those shows the uh, the real fucking hoary housewives of fucking uh, Toledo You know and they got their faces fucking yanked back And they're desperately trying not to be their age For whatever fucking reason For whatever reason, you know, why can't they have them looking like moms? You know so you can actually relax and enjoy the show and look at someone who's 42 who looks 42

And they're happy and they're in some sort of a stable relationship rather than showing these cunts going to these fucking Art shows and sip and wine as they're doing squats up against a fucking refrigerator desperately trying To hold on to their youth. It's fucking over lady. You got like three kids Relax, I'm not saying become disgustingly out of shape. So you have heart disease But to sit there and go to the mall and at your age and buy the latest the same Fucking jeans that the kids are wearing You look ridiculous

You look ridiculous whole fucking What is it cougars is that what they call them? You know, it's sad The same way it's sad when you see a fucking older guy doing the same shit hitting on fucking younger girls It's sad, but of course when women do it, it's empowering Anything they do it's fucking empowering the exact same shit we do all this, you know We're sad. We're sitting at Hooters and we're fucking pathetic

Everybody goes off saying I'll you know fucking sad our lifestyle but a woman does it they can make a goddamn series of it Why can't you know that cougar town when they make dirty old man town? And they do it and the fucking guy would be would be considered a fucking creep And a woman doesn't I guess it's considered an accomplishment because guys are so visually motivated They're like wow an old bag like you can still get a young guy good good for you good for you You with your lizard tits Um, see there you go being hypocritical again. Sorry. So, uh

Anyway, she's douchebag of the weekend. I actually was one of the few times I ever have somebody kicked out You know the bouncer came over at the first I was like no no no no no I'm kind of enjoying this. I like a little bit of back and forth And um, I thought we were gonna get to some sort of Resolution but like by the fifth time I went back and forth with her the whole crowd. They weren't laughing. They just went Oh god shut up So then that becomes like okay Now people aren't getting their money's worth

And that's gonna affect my fucking, you know Career so you gotta go so they kicked her out They kicked her out and I'm sure she drove home feeling like it was some sort of victory See that he kicked me out because he couldn't deal with me. Hey, that's her playing with her chins Um, it's like no if you just you just sort of a cunt and everyone wanted you to leave You know, I don't say cunt too much more in this podcast I've noticed that and all of a sudden I've made up for it in the last three minutes Made up for the last 26 podcasts

Um, so anyways, what else? Oh, Jesus. Let's delve into it the boston celtics lost to the los angeles lakers In seven games man. It was fucking brutal one of the ugliest seven uh game sevens I've ever seen and um If you really look at the series in general, it was a pretty ugly scene the whole fucking series and uh I don't remember last week when I was like, you know, we're in a good spot, but I can't I can't get any read on this series because it was so fucked So the only pattern I could see was the celtics were old so when they flew out for game one

They were tired and they got the shit kicked out of them. They get a good night's sleep. They win game two All right, they fly back to boston. They're tired again. They lose the game Get a good night's sleep to come back. They win games four and five Fly out to la they're tired again. They get their fucking asses kicked They get a good night's sleep. I'm thinking they're gonna win game seven And uh, they did not unfortunately. I just think you know kendrick parkens That was just too much for us to lose took on too much water and uh, the lakers were just younger more talented and uh

You know When they get 13 of the first 15 fucking rebounds, I don't know how we were still winning that game but um You know, it was definitely brutal. It was fucking brutal and as much respect if I had for pal gasol I started to fucking hate him again You know the fucking asshole man. It's like He before he even drives to the hoop He already has a look on his face like he's getting fouled and the way he fucking flops around

I was joking around this weekend You ever drive by some shitty car wash and they have like that celery stock fucking Looking thing it looks like a guy and they and they shoot air up into it. It's fucking arms flap all around That's what pal gasol looks like going to the fucking hoop And um, and I gotta tell you something You know, I'm not taking anything away from the lakers because I just think out of all four major sports The officiating in the nba is absolutely fucking horrific To the point I've been saying this forever the refs literally dictate the pace of the game

You know it used to be the point guards when they wanted to speed it up and slow it down or whatever Guys on either team would do things the point guards. They would they'd pick it up or slow it down now. It's the refs Now it's the refs. Oh, let's let them play First half we fucking tackle cobia one play. They let it go. I'm like, that's exactly how you should be calling this game It's game seven. Let them go and then when it really fucking counted in the fourth quarter They were just running down the court with their whistles in their mouths And I don't want to be cunty here, but what the fuck You know what I mean, none of the lakers were filing people

And then all that bullshit with the relationship. I mean, I get it. Kobe drives into rashid Kobe's the face of the league. I get it. He's gonna get the call the same way tom brady gets the calls the same way Jordan gets the calls. I get that And I you know But if Rashid Wallace is standing sideways with his arms down by his side and he's not moving And fucking Kobe jumps into him I get the no call Because it's Kobe and he gets the superstar rule

But if you're gonna call a foul, that's fucking offensive to put kobe on the line on a horseshit call like that During game seven, man, that's what the fucking reps and i'm not shitting on the lake because i'm not taking this away from him But I fucking hate the nba refs Get out of the goddamn way. Let him play So fucking annoying Go all the way to game seven and it's decided on penalty shots. It's like that fucking world cup soccer Such a you know, I've I've gone back to saying it's a stupid fucking sport. Can somebody explain to me The off sides and soccer

Why you're not allowed to get behind the defender that defeats the fucking purpose of every sport I understand like You know, one guy just can't run down the field to be hanging down by the other guy's net I get that but the way The defense is the off sideline that basically moves down the field and you'll see an offensive player start to run by it And the defensive player just stops running So then what the offensive player has to stop running Because the defensive guy is out of fucking position. It's it's no no. Why do you have one to nothing games?

Nil nil what a contest Jesus christ and those fucking idiots down there blowing those those horns that sound like mosquitoes for the whole fucking game I haven't why i'm gonna get involved in the second real reason why I haven't gotten into it was because I was watching I was watching the lakers Celtics and uh, you know Whatever congratulations lakers fans, you know Whatever god bless you. I'm past the hate. I don't do that shit, but uh You know and that was a hell of a celebration too that you guys had, you know, that was awesome. You win a championship

Yeah, let's go tip over a car Huh take that you fucking automobile Talking shit the whole series now. What do you got to say? Huh storefront window. I didn't think so That was what really surprised me is the classless level of fans out here I don't get it. It's so bizarre. We have the uh, the courtside Laker fans, which is the highest douchebag factor Even more so than the boston fans that the few who dress up like leprechauns that make me want to hang myself

um, the douchebag factor Everybody with their ashton kutcher bing krosby hats on Um, and their rock star jewelry. Did you see that one game? I think it was game seven when they won And they what they were cutting to uh, the three guys announcing the game van gundy, uh, mark jackson and uh, Fucking whatever the other guy's name was and uh, that fucking like 48 year old guy holding his gold jewelry. I think he had like a laker pendant you know

Like he's 21 the whole fucking thing was ridiculous, but I don't get how you have like around the court. You got these fucking fans They show up like halfway through the second quarter They're on their cell phones and shit text messaging like did you just see courtney cuts cocks sitting Uh speaking of kugertown sitting courtside. She looked like she was waiting to get her fucking nails done No emotion just sitting there in her leather pants So it really looks like there's not a lot of passion Or at least on the side court behind under the hoop you start to get real laker fans But then like up top like I don't understand those people those people take it. I think they're making up for the uh

Who gives a fuck attitude? Of like the cast of whatever new hit sitcom got the fucking courtside seats and they start tipping over shit I don't know It's like what are you canadian fans? I gotta be honest with you for as much shit as they give philly philadelphia fans You know they they throw they throw uh They threw snowballs at santa claus. Oh, yeah, did they tip over a police car and light it on fire? Did you see that shit after they they won that's what kills me they won and it looked like fucking tianaman square

The only time I ever saw that in boston was after we broke an 86 year curse and you knew some shit was gonna go down You knew it That much fucking rage, but they they won it two years ago You see that I'm justifying when we act like douchebags, but when we win a basketball championship, we don't freak out I don't know I gotta be honest with you sports out here. It's it's not fun Like back east there's a lot of shit talking There's a lot of ball breaking and believe me I took a ton of shit in new york But there was an element of fun with the misery but out here it's it's not fun

You go to games out here You know you go to a game in philly like okay someone's gonna dump a beer on me. Maybe I'll get puked on you know You come out here. You're like, you know, I think I'm gonna get stabbed And I had that experience at a fucking charger game at an angels game and uh, actually not at a lakers game just at a chargers lakers and a dodgers game And um, you know, I don't know I mean granted the the common denominator and all three of those is the fact that I went to a game

But whatever I talk shit. I get a little drunk. I talk shit talk shit back to me You know It's not what we're supposed to be doing, but you know to take it to the level that you're gonna fucking stab me I don't fucking know Let's get on and then I like an asshole I sat there and I I watched the the post game the lakers post game where they had uh, michael cooper And some chick from the wnba You know, you would think with all the great lakers that they could get another fucking laker great

If they wanted a former player, but I get it. They're trying to hype the fucking wnba So this fucking twat comes on there right And starts the wnba chick and starts trashing kevin garnett Which is such the classic cunty thing to do where it's like First of all, sweetheart, you were on the edgiest seat and didn't know the lakers were gonna win this series until there was About 41 seconds left and now that you're one you're gonna act like it was in the bag and she was trashing kevin garnett, right? Kicking him when he's down the guy comes off major knee surgery. His fucking arm was jacked up

He never bitched never made any excuses never responded when pal gasol said he's lost a step never said shit And this shit goes the big ticket should have called him the big coupon You know, can you go out what a fucking classic? It's just unbelievable. So out of a fellow athlete. You're gonna do that I could see, you know, even uh A former NBA player, maybe but a wnba player. I was joking about that shit all this weekend The wnba really you're gonna talk shit about kevin garnett Kevin garnett

It's fucking yeah, what do you get wnba you got to have a fucking bake sale at halftime see a check doesn't bounce I don't know it was really I was really surprised at the classless level Of behavior with the fucking people trashing down the downtown Her talking shit and even michael cooper still being like a cunt Where it's like you want You know what the thing is it's really easy to be classy when you win And uh, they couldn't even do that. So I kind of lost an element of respect for the lakers, but I'm sure they don't give a fuck, but uh Um, I don't know

But I'm actually proud of the Celtics because if you looked at it on paper, we should have got absolutely destroyed And uh, somehow it went seven games and I don't know. I don't know how the fuck we ended up losing it in the end We actually we know what the lakers made a great adjustment um What's his face run our test when he started shutting down paul pierce And no one else could step it up. I thought that they made a great adjustment and uh, we couldn't overcome it And then they went on like that fucking 13-0 run And uh, that was it and what really kills me as a Celtic fan is that kobe. Shit the bed

Shit the bed Like We're talking at a john stark's level in a game seven, okay? And once again, I was gonna feel vindicated the same way I did with Peyton Manning when everyone was saying you're arguably looking at the greatest quarterback of all time Same thing with kobe bryan. All right These fucking guys who keep trying to say compare him to michael jordan. He's not Okay

Who's the second guy to go to the moon does anybody know exactly because no one gives a fuck Did a second guy go to the moon did we ever go to the moon that was a bad example You know, who's the second guy who made a light bulb work? Nobody knows Just doing something that's already fucking been done By somebody great does not make you on the same level of great. It's when you do something great that's never been done before That's what separates you. Okay. I'm not gonna go into this fucking rant again But kobe bryan shit the fucking bed and that fucking mark jackson. Jesus christ

He's got a poster of kobe over his bed At one point kobe was two for 19 and game seven Two for 19 and somebody fucking van gunny brings it up and fucking jackson's like yeah, but he's got 12 big rebounds Look how he runs down the court. I love the shape of his calves He's shit the bed paugus all kind of shit the bed too missing missing all those foul shots That bearded ballerina with his fucking fundamental european game You don't miss those but it was game seven. He bitched up a little bit You know, but you need a little bit of luck to win it and I think uh

Rashid going down same way the celtics. We got lucky in 2008 when uh when bynum was out You need a little bit of luck And the lakeers had it god damn it and they won another one and you know They're up to fucking 16 championships The franchises and laker fans can stand hand in hand with another man from minnesota and say we together Have 16 or as in boston. We can stand like men on our own and say we got 17. All right fuckers You fucking cunts Oh god, i'm so pissed. Jesus christ. This was really raw. I should have watched baseball

I don't know why I tapped out from baseball. I watched the bruins lose four games in a row after being up three games to none And then I watched us lose a seven game fucking heartbreaker to the goddamn lakers I was so hoping we were gonna drink champagne. Jesus christ. What will you fucking laker fans do if you lost? Burn down the staple center. You have to go back to the fucking forum That would actually be better. I like to form better. Have you guys ever been to the forum? You got to go out there It's legendary It's legendary You come in there. You can just you can see the old showtime lakers

You know, you can see all the whores Lining up waiting to fuck magic He used to get head right on the bench It's back when the nba was great. They'd let you play and the fucking players would get blown right on the bench There was no wnba. Those bitches were on their knees Blowing the star players of the nba. Check it out. It's all up on youtube if you don't believe me so uh So I got a couple of predictions. I have a um the same way uh how the steroid case

Um started off small and became huge. I think that the nba has a major problem with their fucking officiating All right, and once again, I'm not making excuses. I gave it up to the lakers. You were younger and you're more talented You deserved it. You clamped down on defense. Okay, we good. Can I make this point? There's something going on I don't know what I'm not on the inside, but remember I said that there is something going on with those officials They're either, you know, they had that one guy who got busted For having mob ties and somebody claims somebody at the improv last night was trying to tell me and I obviously

I can't back this up like most of my shit, but they were trying to claim That some gamblers have been calling this guy In prison Call them phoning this guy and they've been asking for gambling tips and he's pretty much dead on If you tell him who's playing And what the officiating crew is he can't pick against the spread, but he can tell you who the fuck is going to win Um Just because he knows the personal vendetta's they have and you know, and if you look at

Rashid has been a dick For years the refs fucking hate him. That's why when he's standing flat-footed sideways and kobe jumps into him It's an offense. It's a defensive foul so And I get it. It's hard to set your personal shit aside But it was game seven you fucking asshole you know But anyway, I don't know. I think uh, I think it's a little fixed

But it can't be fixed Because the Lakers didn't even cover. I don't know what's going on, but there's something weird going on There's at the very least there's some new officiating style I think the refs might be finally just fed up with the fact that they only make 150 grand To fucking run up and down a basketball court, which the uri is a great job, but I think they're sick Of uh getting cursed out by 22 year old tattooed millionaires. I think they're tired of it and they've decided that um I don't know what They decided something, but

I don't know. You know something. I don't watch NBA hoop enough nowadays to to to really Be 100% about that, but any any hoop fans out there. Can you can you go with me that doesn't it seem like there's something weird going on? It's it's the the It's like even when you watch baseball if somebody has a fucked up strike zone It's a consistent strike zone for the most part Okay, he's he's calling that low on a strike tonight and for nine innings That's what the fucking guy does and as much as it pisses you off You're first at bat now. You kind of know the guy's parameters, but like with the officiating

It's like they they're letting it go then they're calling everything And it's starting to make me feel like Because it is a business that if one team goes goes up by too many points The officials kind of do shit to make sure that stays close so they get that advertising money I don't know Might just piss because my team lost I was saying that shit before when I went to that game when garnet blew his knee out and fucking uh, Utah that it seemed like something weird was going on

Who knows Who knows we'll see what I think next week when I've maybe started to get over this fucking loss You know, it's the worst is when when your team shits the bed like the Bruins did or if your team um Loses a seven game heartbreaker to your absolute arch rival The hardest thing is like you can't watch tea. You can't watch any sports tv. You can't I've been watching like the food network I was actually watching a show the other day on uh On this hd channel that has all this shit with like a bunch of cars and stuff

Like psycho into cars my ocd um I've gotten totally into cars and uh So I keep going to this channel and they actually had this unbelievable show It was basically about the bird and magics Of like marine core and army snipers Throughout the history of the u.s. Military. They had the michael georgens of snipers And they had this dude man. It was fucking

It was the most fascinating goddamn show I've seen in a long time and I and I stumbled on it because I didn't want to watch the sports center You know the sports center watch sports center And listen to me. You know the Celtics didn't get it done. You know, they just you know, there's things to do and they didn't do it They didn't get it. I can't fucking watch that shit. I know I got it. They lost um And I also didn't want to watch kobe jump up on the scorer table and do his one two three four five five rings What he really should be doing is counting how many fucking points he had that weren't from the foul line

Sorry had to get one more in um So they showed this dude like uh, remember uh, that big battle in fallujah I guess it was in 2004 if you could fucking believe it was already like six years ago And there was this marine course sniper who had like 32 kills in 30 days And they were talking of this guy was like shooting through Like a softball size hole At targets that were like 400 500 yards away And it had accuracy up to 600 yards six fucking football fields

All right, and you're peeking out from behind the rubble. I think it's okay And then bam You're fucking the back of your head gets blown out And they were talking about what a psychological mind fuck that was And then they're also they try to find you but they can't peek their heads out because this guy was so fucking badass Like rick berry from the foul line He's picking these dudes off And then he picked the dudes off who would try to drag the dead dude out of the streak just like in saving private ryan

but reverse because it was an american guy doing it and uh Hey, it was it was absolutely fascinating then they went after they were talking about that guy He has to sit there and those guys what they do on the other side is they just start lobbing like uh What is that mortar those you know, they stick it in that tube and it goes boom You know it shoots over a couple of condos And he goes you just got to sit there and hope one doesn't have your name on it You know

Why do I watch action movies where there's actors who pretend to be badass when you can watch shit like that That it was it was one of the fucking manliest things I've ever seen in my life This guy was just picking people off. He has to take into consideration Cross wins how quickly these guys are running. He was going after the guys like the It's like a video game like the rpg guys were like worth like 2000 points You know if you just got some guy running across the street trying to get a fucking tabooly salad that was worth like 25 Anyways, so then after they got done talking talking about that guy

they they talked about they they cut to this dude and um In vietnam who had like 93 confirmed kills And uh, he went head to head with some other badass sniper uh Who was on the vietcong and the vietcong guy? Spotted him. That's how badass the vietcong guy was. He shot around by his foot As a challenge You know this guy was bored with picking off regular people. So he wanted to go mono a mono with this other sniper And for like four days they're tracking each other through the through the jungle

You know coming up on each other's flank whatever the fuck that means One dude would be like 300 yards in front of the other dude and then they'd be crawling on their fucking elbows And somehow by the time they were done He'd be where that dude was and then the other dude was where the other dude was And just one day the vietcong guy got unlucky And it was the afternoon sun and it it glinted off his fucking And Whatever the what is that this is his gun scope and this guy literally did the shot

From saving private private ryan. He he shot it through the guy's scope and blew out the back of his fucking head And the guy had a southern accent talking about went right through the scope didn't even touch the sides It was great. He was like he was talking about some fish he caught Well, you ain't shit, buddy. I was down. I caught a fucking fish on dry land mother fucker top that one Bitch he was doing that but talking about killing guys I don't know. I wish I knew the name of the show But I found it absolutely fascinating one of those shows that's so manly That you you almost get insecure watching that you have to somehow start fantasizing that you're the guy in it

You know and you start talking shit like you're the guy getting interviewed and you're whispering to yourself on the couch And then you catch yourself Going jesus christ. Am I fucking crazy? You know for the record. I was getting interviewed on oprah Did any wonder why i'm in this business? All right, it is hot as hell in here I gotta keep the windows closed, you know when you say cunt every fucking three seconds. I gotta keep the windows closed um, all right, let's uh Let's get to some of the shit here on the podcast. Oh, I wanted to I forgot to mention that I was gonna I was on uh, joe rogan's podcast

Um, I had a great time. I went out to uh his bungalow And I did his podcast two and a half hour podcast that went by in like three seconds um And for the life of me, I don't know where the hell to tell you to go get it just look up joe rogan podcast He's like hardcore into the internet and technology and i'm sure His website will take you by the hand and lead you right to his podcast So please check that out and uh, one of the things we talked about On our rogan's podcast was he was absolutely beside himself that I was not on twitter yet

um, oh first that I didn't have uh What is that thing you have in your car when you don't want to look at a map anymore? Keep saying gcast g map i map Map 2.0 fucking do it for me. I don't want to think anymore um Map quest fuck. What is it called? Whatever I don't have that thing. I just have I have a map

Can you tell me where you live and I look it up? And then I I I get there there's no problem But for some reason people are blown away by that But it was even more blown away with by the fact that I I wasn't on twitter So he actually signed me up for a twitter account And I told him I don't do that shit and he goes uh, he kept saying you got to do it You got to do it. It's the best way to hype your gigs

So I'm asking you guys should I get on twitter? Because I don't want to go on there and tweet about some fucking cheeseburger. I just had um, I could like most people do but uh rogan was swearing up and down This is this is the best way to do it like he's like you don't even need to do radio You just get a bunch of followers on twitter and you tell them where you're gonna be and then they can all go out and see you Like that fucking korean barbecue truck that drives around here out in la people are on twitter It's just this fucking truck that has insane korean barbecue and people are like, you know

Follow the thing on twitter and they're like, hey i'm on so such and such and vine and everybody drives over to go get some fucking korean barbecue So um Anyways, we have a poll on the mm podcast.com if you guys, you know, if you'd like it if you want me to be on twitter I'll do it I'll do it, but I gotta be honest with you. I'm not gonna be uh I'll only be tweeting You know, I'll tweet like I just put the podcast just is uh just got posted

I can't even I can't do twitter tweet That's fucking ridiculous You know what it is this part of me though. I gotta stop fighting this shit You know by the time I got onto facebook. It was fucking irrelevant Nobody gives a shit now. Everybody's on twitter. You know I'm giving in a little bit. I'm compromising Fuck it. What do you want me to do? Huh?

You want me to be the spokesperson for bp? I'll do it Shit, you know something I could do a better fucking job than their spokespersons are doing What's their latest spokesperson? What what the fuck is that guy saying? They're only birds I gotta open the window here Sorry, Cleo. Sorry. She gets so fucking freaked out whenever I do that then she starts shaking uncontrollably Sorry All right, let's get back to the podcast. So let me know it is

Is twitter as stupid as I think it is or is it actually decent? But I gotta be honest with you if you say to get on twitter. I'm not gonna be tweeting Just got an ice cream and the whole scoop fell in my laugh Omg lol. I'm not fucking doing that. All right. I'll have the most boring tweets But then that's the thing you get on there. Then you got it. You got to try to be fucking interesting Oh gives a fuck go go on the mm podcast. Let me know what you think You know and maybe send me some emails and let me know some of the positive things If you think if you really think it sucks, just let me know

All right, so there you go. All right 45 minutes in let's get to some of the questions here. Um Oh, somebody sent me here's another tech question for you. Uh, somebody sent me something about uh Saying hey bill. I don't have an iphone can uh You know, can you make it easier for me to listen to the thing at work? I don't want to have to be You know, I guess I don't know what listen to it on the computer So I I emailed the guy back like well, can't you listen to it on your ipod? It seemed like he had one of those jobs where he I forget what his job was but it was like he went to job sites

Um I don't know. Is there another place where I can post The monday morning podcast for people to listen to it on their phones. I mean, I don't know. I have no idea But uh, he seemed to be the only guy who said some shit like that, but just in case it was a problem um, if you guys have like Tech savvy fucking questions. I don't know what to do about it, but if you can point me in a direction That'll make it easier for you to listen to this thing. I'll try to do it as long as it doesn't involve You know 900 bucks in like three weeks worth of work here

um All right, and also I added a couple of boston dates. I got to put up on my uh website One is up in new hampshire for the life of me. It's sunday. So I don't know where the fuck it is I got to talk to my agent tomorrow, but the other one is on august 12th. I'm gonna be in The 2010 new port summer comedy series At the new new port yachting center, huh? You like that? Moving up in the world um

Yeah, it's uh 7 30 show august 12th that by the time you listen to this I'll at least have that posted up on my website and I know the day before or the day after I'm gonna be up in new hampshire. So all you people up in main You know you people over in connecticut, you know, there's a couple of gigs That are easier to drive to hang on a second All right, here we go, um youtube videos for the week Here's one that I think is really funny, but also I can't tell if it's fake or not. Please let me know It's called bmw chase and it's a couple of red necks

Judging two people in this little bmw car. They chase after them and for some reason they're filming it and um You think the guy the bmw is gonna get his ass kicked and all of a sudden the tables turn It's uh, it's pretty interesting, but I don't know if it's real or not um And also the 21 foot rule remember that last week, uh, the guy put up one more. He did a final video Where he actually hurts himself evidently This guy is out of his mind and if I worked for the fbi, I would definitely be watching this guy at all fucking times 21 foot rule final video go to the mmpodcast.com. All right, just go there. We'll have all of these up here

And if you're a dog lover, please do not watch this one All right Deer versus dog um It's a long story. There's a baby deer and then the Mother deer comes in or looks like an adolescent deer to make sure the baby deer is okay. And there's a cat that gets uh Knocked around a little bit, but the dog

gets absolutely pummeled The dog gets pummeled And it's it was really uncomfortable to watch but uh for some reason I'm telling it to you and I'm laughing I don't know why because it wasn't funny So if you don't know if you don't like watching a dog get pummeled by a deer Check it out. But for you future serial killers who've already begun torturing animals. There's a video for you All right underrated overrated for the week. Um, this is a great one underrated Letting your frozen pizza cool for the recommended two minutes after pulling it out of the oven

Good lord. That's such a classic drunk food Or like you're just absolutely starving and you've just fired in the microwave or the oven and the second It's done. You just fucking you do a couple of And then you bite into it and then you gotta do that You gotta like uh, you're like fanning your mouth as if that's ever worked And then for the next four days because you didn't you didn't wait two minutes You have that white burned flesh

The top of your mouth I've somehow dislocated my jaw the fuck is going on here Went to the dentist and they gave me a fucking mouth guard Because I grind my teeth at night because i'm a psycho Ah fucking come on you Evidently I do that at night So I got this mouth guard and now all of a sudden my jaw pops in and out any you fucking dentist out there I gave you a big shout out last week by letting you know that I know what both canines are six and eleven

Eight nine are downtown, right? Um Yeah, if you know how to fucking do that every once in a while pops out Um anyways, all right plowing ahead here uh overrated those membership cards. This guy obviously is a new listener So I think i'm up to 15 listeners here Um overrated listen to this. This is unsolicited by me This guy's obviously a new listener because sir if you're listening to this, uh, I've done numerous podcasts about these things And I also have a bit about it coming in my upcoming special

Coming out in september, uh Overrated he said those membership cards with all the that all the fucking chain stores are now trying to push on you Apparently if I give them my name email address and a record of my shopping habit habits I could be saving hundreds of dollars a year Really i'm supposed to believe a giant soulless corporation wants to help me out Sure, I may save a buck or two, but when I buy a c When I buy a cd, but at what cost at what fucking cost exactly sir Congratulations, you're a thinking human being these other people are just like no

They're trying to help you out They want you to save money while they make less money Despite the fact that you would go to the store anyways They're morons And here's a recommended video uh a movie Actually, I didn't check this out, but this sounds like a great psycho movie I talked a little bit here. I talked about snipers. I I made a reference to serial killers So I think this is a fine way to end the podcast here

By wrecking them recommending a movie called rampage At least find out more about it. I guess it's a small independent film But it says uh dejected by the futility of his tedious life A bitter small town resident Takes matters into his own hands by constructing a bulletproof outfit Uh picking up his semi-automatic weapons and attempting the largest killing spree killing spree ever seen Written and directed by a controversial filmmaker Owie ball. I don't know uwe bol l l is that you ball

Ew ball This ultra violent action movie feature features jarring handheld camera work and original dialogue Largely improvised by the cast How you don't watch that movie is beyond me I would love to hear that improvised dialogue Dude, dude, dude Ow Don't shoot. I mean, what else would you fucking say acting like it's fucking uh Larry uh, what's his face?

Larry david. I'm so bad with the fucking names Uh, anyways, that's the podcast this week. It's a little short this week. I gotta admit. I'm a little fucking burned out I did a podcast I did my podcast adam corolla's podcast and I did um Joe rogan's podcast. I did I'm literally making an unpaid career Out of these podcasts, but they're they're just a fucking they're tough. I forgot to say I did adam corolla's podcast too Um, check his out his his actually he's actually he's one of those guys who actually has two million fucking listeners and advertisers

His podcast is everything that I want this thing to be at some point But i'm just too fucking lazy to go out there. You know what? I would love to have a bunch of of advertisement on this podcast But it's of shit that I enjoy You know like my respect for snipers like if somebody wanted to advertise their sniper scope Are you sick of your neighbor? Do you want to scare the shit out of them or maybe take out a house pet? check out the fucking

xm 3000 millimeter fucking gun scope Even a fucking mutant could kill someone at 300 fucking yards through a picket fucking fence some shit like that Maybe we'll have that maybe we'll try out advertising on this Do free advertising for random shit You know shit that I actually fucking use like toilets Are you shit? Are you sick of shit and outside? Why don't you get a toilet you dumb fuck it's 2010

I like how everybody if there are moron has to have a southern accent. I've addressed that in my act What else what what what are kind of advertising? Belvedere vodka limes if you make limes you grow limes I should say What else That's about it vodka gun scopes and toilets. Let's start there That'll be the uh the advertising. You know, there might be a long time ago um when guns and roses their their Appetite for destruction came out. They had that song called night train

And the people of uh, I guess it's some sort of cheap uh booze. I don't know if it's wine. I don't know what the fuck it was um But the people at night train wanted Slash to be a spokesperson And dude this is back in the day where if you were a spokesperson for something Like you lost like 30 of your audience because you were considered a sellout Nowadays these fucking lady god guys can be fucking have their legs spread Around some yo play yogurt make an extra fucking money. Nobody gives a shit

But back in the day that was a big thing but he actually would have got away with it because it would have been so funny Because their whole thing was that were were alcoholics um, but at the last second uh, some groups complained Um that it would actually What would that do to the youth? What would that encourage them to do and that's one of the times few times that they were actually 100 right because if if slash In 1988 89 told me to drink night train. I would have I would have would have been hilarious

We would have drank night train while we listened to night train and out in our safe suburbs We would have thought we were badass on some level All right, I think that's it that was a little little fucking reminiscing I took you back to 1988 You know when the first george bush was in office You know when he had some sort of restraint Sort of stick and move in the middle east Just fucking Blast him right in the face and then leave let him think about it. Don't let him fly around their country

Um, anyway, so let me hype my gifts for this week. I am beyond excited. I'm gonna be in las vegas this weekend co-headlining with uh comedian and television star tom papa The host and star of the marriage ref on nbc Please watch the show tom papa good friend of my podcast And I'll be advertising I'm advertising tom papa right now. I'll be co-headlining with him at the orleans casino in las vegas Friday and saturday night this weekend

Uh, what the fuck dates are those hang on hang on don't get your panties in an uproar Uh, that would be the 25th and the 26th Of uh, june come on out all you people in vegas been asking me to come out there I finally got uh, I finally got a gig out there and and as a comedian. It's an honor to perform there That's the last place. I guess george carlin did stand up. So, uh, I'm gonna try to talk to uh, security And see if maybe I can take a peek at the theater. Maybe make a quick little video I always promise videos and then I never end up doing them But maybe I can make a quick little video, uh, of me working in vegas

Uh, actually a cool vega vegas video where I'm not out there acting like strip clubs are fun Rather than they're they're fucking That's overrated titty bars titty bars are overrated unless you're under the age of 23 You're fucking, you know 23 or under strict titty bars are great But you get a little bit older than that. It's fucking horrific You just wasting money and it makes you fucking hate women Um And I think actually the strippers they start to hate guys after a while

But I think that they would like guys a lot more if they were fucking wide-eyed 20 21 22 year olds Oh boy. Oh boy. Look at the vagina. I gave her a dollar and she showed me her titties. Oh boy. Oh boy Dude, this is the greatest night ever when you're still in that phase and I'm not making fun of 22 23 years old Olds because I wasn't that that uh, you know, I was that guy at that age And I'm sure a bunch of you will email me now and tell me how fucking badass you're out and all the pussy you're getting You know, I don't give a fuck Okay, I was your age Actually, was I getting any at that age? I had a bad I was a late fucking bloomer

you know You know, you know the middle period where mark maguire, uh, right before he started doing steroids when he fucking tapered off That was like my pussy getting career in my early 20s And then I moved to new york and uh, it all worked itself out Yeah, if you can't get laid moved to new york, by the way, it's just it's fucking impossible Not you just they're just walking down the street I was back there last weekend. I forgot about that like when you're driving around LA they're in cars

You can't get to them They're boxed in but in new york you can just harass the shit out of them. It's like the whole city is just a big construction site It is sweet tits Oh, come on. You're gonna be like that It's a matter. I just made you uncomfortable. I just Throughout or maybe you're gonna get raped vibe. I can't believe you you're fucking giving me this attitude No, I was never that guy But I actually I used to always meet girls in the gym

And oddly enough I actually met a couple on the subway I think because they have their guard up not to get mugged But they don't think that you're gonna start hitting on them and what I would usually do I think I told this to story. I would wait for somebody to do something weird Or fucking stupid which happens all the time on the subway And if they would react to it by laughing a little bit Then you weren't then all I had to do was make a joke and then I was in you know, and hopefully if they had you know If I got you know, I'd try to just get their number

But if I got desperate I would whore out the fact that I was a comedian Actually, I'm a comedian. I'll be down the comedy cellar tonight, which is such a bitch move But I did it all the time shamelessly Had a business card with me fucking holding a microphone So they knew I was a comedian, you know The fuck I did what I had to do. Look at me. I look like Richie Cunningham. What do you want from me? Look at I'm over an hour again. Just like that. That's how it goes. All right So that oh a new episode of uninformed I taped with uh

Jota Rosa the new young teen sensation of the opium anthony show Oh, I want to thank those guys by the way last week for Having me go on and height my show and I want to thank the guys kevin and bean out here in la And adam corolla for let me height my shows out here in uh, los angeles All the shows sold out and uh makes you feel good. So that's it. I hope you guys have a great week And uh, let me know you want me to do the tweet thing on twitter Um, I know I'm really copping out here. I'm acting like Julius Caesar. Do you want me to kill the son of god? I mean, it's up to you. I'll do whatever you want me to do

Uh, but go to the the mm podcast calm check out all the videos and all that type of stuff and everybody have a good week I'm gonna start watching world cup All right, that's it You You You You Warm things up this spring with a trip to serrillas

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