Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-22-17

Episode Date: June 22, 2017

Bill rambles about CNN/FOX, doing roasts and looking out your own head.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking it on you. Just checking in to see how your week's going. This is never, this never is, nor is it ever meant to be an official podcast. All right. I'm just fucking just, just popping in real quick, little fucking half hour.

You know, seeing how your workouts going, seeing how you drive homes doing, are you listening at work? Oh, you son of a bitch. God bless you. God bless you. If you can get away with it. I woke up today, and I've had this fucking song in my head, and I might want to fast forward. I forget how the lyrics go or something like, so I give you a kiss after the lovin'

bada doo doo bop beep beep bop bap. Who sang that song? That's one of those fucking guys who's probably, you know, when he recorded it, he's younger than I am. But when I look him up, he's going to look like he's 106. Let's see, after the lovin' lyrics. You guys remember that one? Oh.

Oh, Engelbert Humperdink. Engelbert Humperdink. Where the fuck is it? The Millennium Collection. The Millennium Collection? Can we have a series of songs that are safe for everybody? Could that be okay? Sorry, I got my shitty recorder on the road here.

Just for the Millennials, oh, so I sing you to sleep after the lovin' with the song I just wrote yesterday and I hope you can hear what the world's and the music. I don't know the rest of the fucking song goes. That's one of those songs, all you know is after the lovin'. You just sit there mumbling along. After the lovin', right? Oh, fuck. Oh my god, that just reminded me of a fucking joke I want to do.

Wait a second, I got to write this down. Sweet Caroline. Fuck you, cunt. Red Sox. I got one of the most stressful gigs. This is the last stressful gig I have all year. I got passed all the fucking press. You know what I mean?

It's all the press I had to do for that fucking thing. You sit down, you're like, how's this going to go? How's this one, how's that one going to go? And you get all through it, right? I had a bunch of fucking, you know, I did that gig for the cops. The motorcycle cops in California somehow got through that one. I wasn't sure how that was going to go. That one ended up going great.

I got one last fucking thing. And once I get past this gig, I have nothing but comfort zone gigs for the rest of my year. Today I'm on a roast. They're retiring David Ortiz's number. And he wanted to have a roast for his, for his charity. And what's hilarious is I don't think he's going to understand most of the shit. Like he, one of the comedians he was talking to said, you know, I went out, I laughed, one of the people who laughed, but you talk real fast.

I don't understand what a lot of it is. It's fucking, which I understand because if I went to the Dominican Republic and they started roasting me, I'd be like, yeah, I just keep waiting for them. Rojo, that's the word I'd be waiting for. Oh, they're talking about me. Cabesa, Rojo, whatever the fuck they're going to say. Oh, Cabesa, how the fuck you say it? I don't know.

So I got some good ones. I got some good ones. How do you roast David Ortiz? You know, fucking Gronk's there. Petroia is going to be there. And you know, these are all athletes that play for Boston teams. So all of them have won championships. That's just how it is around here, people.

This isn't like your towns where roasting one of your local athletes, three out of the four sports, you know, maybe you won one championship. It'd be a fucking joke. See, what other city would be hard? New York, you could fucking destroy people. Fucking destroy people. Because I don't think there's anybody left on the Yankees. And the God knows football teams turn over.

He couldn't really fuck. I mean, Eli, they'd always just make fun of how he looks. I mean, he could trash the Knicks, trash the Mets, trash the Rangers, those Brooklyn fucking teams. That'd have to be like a two-part fucking roast. Pittsburgh would be a hard place. You know, that'd be a hard place. Maybe he could trash the Pirates.

But I mean, fucking Penguins back-to-back, and they won three with Crosby. Big Benz won two. And you know, a bunch of his shit would be taken off the table. That's how it works. They'd take it off the table. I don't talk about that. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Could you not?

So anyways, I just have to get through this. So I figure I'm going to sit there and get called a cancer patient for fucking an hour. And they'll make fun of my black wife. And then I just, all I got to do is just go up there for 10 minutes and trash David Ortiz. I mean, it's going to be fun. I still want to tell you some of the jokes, but I know you cunts are going to tweet them. And then people will read them before I get there. And I need every laugh I can get.

I literally was fucking writing this shit. Like, I can't sit down and write. I can't do it. Let's think of how I read out loud. Okay. Now imagine me trying to put those words down onto a piece of paper. Okay. How I do it is I put my daughter in the stroller and I walk her around the block.

A big, huge walk around the block. And I'm just talking to myself and everybody thinks, oh, look at that daddy. So engaged with this child. And I'm really coming up with roast jokes. And then I sat down and I smoked a cigar by myself on my back porch. And I just video myself and I just say shit into my fucking. Then I'll have like 40 videos, all like nine, 10 seconds long. And then I just transcribed them on the plane.

Most of them. Now I'm trying to put them into an order where they flow and I'm actually writing them down, but I'm too late for the teller. So I'm going to have to go up there old school with the fucking piece of paper. Fucking pieces of paper up there. I know people can be like, everybody else just went up there. You fucking bitch. Look over your shoulder douche.

There it is. The teleprompter. See that? The rabbit's already in the hat. I never do these roast things either. I never do them. I thought a lot of those comedy central ones after a while, they just went off the rails. You know what I mean?

It's just everything was like the fucking, I don't know. Everything was the goddamn same. Same fucking stupid joke. You know, hey, I'm not saying this guy peep-a-do-poop-a when he walk-a-walk-a, he walk-a-walk-a aids. 9-11, you know, whatever the fuck you could say that would, you know, be the most, you know, air quote edgy fucking thing, even though it was totally fucking predictable. So, yeah, I never got into those things. You know, hey, I wouldn't fuck your mother with a dog's dick that had herpes with a fucking scurvy.

Plus, I don't get roast in somebody you don't know. Like the most jokes I have for the people on this is for Lenny Clark, because I know Lenny and I love Lenny. So I got stories. I know what he's done. I got all this stuff. I can shit on him. I have more shit about Lenny Clark than I do, you know. Kronkowski's a tough one, too, because everyone's gonna go, oh, he's fucking stupid.

So I'm trying to think of another angle. There really isn't one. Something about spiking a baby. I have no idea. So, I'm not, I'm a little amped up for this thing, a little nervous, a little amped up. I can't fucking wait. This is one of these deals where it's just like, just fucking bring me up. Bring me up so I can do this thing and then I can relax.

Then I can relax. It's all I need to do. I just gotta get through tonight. Just get through tonight, tonight, tonight. Whoa. Then it's easy. Then it's fucking easy. I go back to my regularly scheduled stand updates.

You know, God willing, we'll get a third season of Epis for Family. I've already been through that shit twice. I'm right back into my comfort zone. You know, so I got here last night and, you know, I cab it over to the fucking Laugh Boston because everybody was going over there to run their roast shit and I didn't want to do that. I just wanted to do stand up. Just go up there and be funny. You know, warm up, loosen up a little bit and then tonight I'll just fucking do the jokes.

That is the game plan. I'm going to have it printed out nice and fucking big. The font's going to be nice and big so there's no way for me to fuck these things up. And I'm just going to go right down the dais. I figure there's like fucking, we got Adam Ray, we got fucking Suzy Soliloquy, we got Mikey Monologue, I got eight or nine fucking. I do a minute on everybody, I'm done. But I got to do David the fucking longest.

So I got, you know, he's actually surprisingly not that hard to roast. Even though all the shit that he did, you know, you can get that guy pretty good. Padreia's difficult. Once you just get past, you know, he's just a little fella. You know, then that's like, well, now what do I do? Now for Christ's sake, who's texting me now? Anyways, yes. And then once I get through that, the rest of the year is downhill, you know, down fucking hill.

You know, and I've already worked it out thinking if I get it, we get a third season. All right, I'll get up early in the morning, right? Spend some time with my daughter. And then I'll go over to the little fucking rehearsal place, you know, I'll do my little drum, drum, drum in there. And then I go over, I fucking write the shit. Then I'm home. That's the game plan. And I get home, take the daughter, walk around the block.

At some point, me and my wife pass each other in the halls. We're like, who are you again? Oh, that's right. We're married. And then that'll be my year. So I give you a kiss after the lovin'. Inglebird Humperdink. Who fucking knew?

Who knew? Who knew that that was going to be in my fucking head today? I had no idea. So anyways, one of my new hobbies when I'm on the road is I watch Fox News and I watch CNN and I just flip back and forth between them. It is fucking fascinating. Like, I don't even know what those channels have become. I don't know what they ever were, but it is not news. They're basically just yelling at each other now.

It's like you're watching a sitcom. You know? Here's the idea. Here's the pitch for the show. There's two news channels. One's conservative and this one's liberal. I was watching that Sean Hannity guy. And one of his stories was a story about somebody on CNN.

You know, the chick with the Mary Lou Retton haircut, whatever her fucking name is. The one who cried when Trump got fucking elected, which really was a low point in journalism. Hillary lost. She didn't get assassinated. Jesus Christ, even fucking what's his face held it together when he said JFK got killed. Fucking Donald Trump gets elected. You fucking sitting there blubbering. For God's sakes woman, get ahold of yourself.

So anyways, he fucking was saying, he has her picture up there and it says conspiracy theory. Because of whatever the fuck she said. I don't, I don't even know. I'm just sitting there going like this fucking guy is doing a news story about a news person on another channel. This is news. And I was growing up like, you know, Tom Brokaw was not doing stories about Sam Donaldson. You know, and only white men gave the news. No, I'm kidding.

I have no idea. I just don't know what the fuck it is anymore. But I got to tell you, it's really entertaining. You got to do it. People, you got to step out of this fucking liberal conservative thing. You got to just step back and just enjoy it for what it is. It is just a bunch of people who have just disappeared. And I don't, they're, they all need like a fuck.

They all, every one of them needs to take like two years off. You know what I mean? And I think they should send them all at first to separate places and then you gradually get them reacclimated as human beings, right? And you just kind of take, send them to like a camp. Maybe they start playing a softball game, but you know, it's not Fox News versus CNN. You got to mix up the players. You know, I mean, it'll ruin the rivalry. Like, you know, when the NHL went to Russia to play the Russians and all those fucking, you know, the Rangers were hanging out with the Bruins and the Flyers were hanging.

You know, it just, people started getting drunk together. Hey, you know, you're all right. You know, kind of ruins it. But, um, Fox News was going off, you know, that Otto Warmbier story, that fucking horrific fucking story. Um, you know, everybody like judging the guy, going, oh, what the fuck you take a fucking poster for? Uh, it's like, anytime there's posters at my shows, people always take them. It's the end of the show. It gives a fuck.

It's something you do. You grab a little souvenir or whatever. I mean, technically it's stealing, but who gives a fuck? I mean, is that, is that enough warranted to give a guy 15 years hard labor? He was there because of our foreign policy. You know, that's why they don't like that, that we're this and they're that and we're fucking economic sanctions and all that shit. They don't like us. Um, like how I just said that to you guys, like that's actual news.

So Fox News was doing this thing where they were like, they were going back and looking at shit that like some chick said on Huffington Post. And this Larry Wilmore, what the fuck he said when he first did, he did a bit about like, uh, you know, you know, call him the frat boy. And like, basically they didn't have any sympathy for the guy, you know, but now it plays out way weirder because the fucking, the kid got killed. Over there. So they're sitting there, you know, the whole fucking thing was just fascinating to watch. And like Fox News is just like, these people are terrible, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and just taking it kind of like at face value, not taking into how it was written, why it was written. I think everybody's fucked up in it, to be honest with you. I think it's fucked up to do that white privilege thing.

I understand it, but the, uh, yeah, I get that whole thing. Well, look what he deals with, we deal with in this country is something you can't understand. I am, which I get that point. But, uh, I don't know, when you take it to the point of having a little bit of joy about it, which I probably would if I was on the other side, because I am not a mature human being. And I have anger issues. I know that I would probably be coming at it like that too, but it takes a lot to have empathy. That's what I've learned. You know what I mean?

Cause as much as that chick on the Huffington Post was making some good points, it's like, well, I don't see empathy on your side though. And I'm not talking about towards white people. It's like, look at your fucking clothes. As you're saying, I'm complicit in your suffering. What about the people that make you fucking close? All that sweatshop fucking labor. Do you think about the five-year-old that sewed your fucking skirt together? You don't give a fuck.

You're too busy focused on, that's what human beings do. We focus on our shit. That's what I learned watching CNN on. When I watched all these fucking white guys, oh, how can they fucking say this about this other white guy? They're all up in fucking arms. The same fucking people, the same kind of white people that when somebody black gets shot, oh, just, you know, just do what the police say. You'll be fine. Oh, you know, stop wearing hoodies.

You know, they just, and then they just fucking get on with their lives. Now all of a sudden they're fucking up in arms. About this fucking dude, you know. But that's what people do though. So I just kind of saw it second. You know what you do? Is you insert yourself into the situation. And if you see a white person and you're white, you go, oh my god, that's terrible.

That could have been me. I think, you know, maybe white people, black people also need to be sent away, you know, separated at first. And we all just, you know, kind of mix up and play softball together. Right. But that doesn't work because look at that guy on the Eagles. He went to that country fucking concert and he starts dropping the N word. You know, I don't think these robots coming is going to be a bad thing. You know, it'd be weird if maybe they'll be like improved human beings.

You know, it'd be fucking weird is if they actually, they made them so fucking life-like that they'd be like fucking racist robot. You know, just walking in. These people don't want to work. A jury of your not peers has fucking convicted you. No, actually just kind of, I mean, the story is kind of like losing momentum. But if you just watch it and you just listen to people, they just see the world out their own fucking head and they just talk. I don't know, they talk and you just fucking sit there and join it. Like the people, the fucking white dudes on Fox News are the whitest.

They look like, you know, when they make those coming of age movies in the 80s and there'd be those fucking preppy frat boy guys. Like you're looking at him going like, dude, do you seriously dress like that? Man, I guess this is sort of fucking judging them too. But like, there's one guy on there. It's just like, dude, you look like the date rapist slash your girlfriend died during air quote rough sex. She was into it and it got carried away that this is what that guy looks like. I don't know. The whole fucking thing is just, it's a weird thing.

But what I have learned is people, the suffering they see is their own suffering. And it's very hard to look at other people's suffering and to try to, you know, take time out of your day to understand it, regardless of what color you are. It's kind of what I learned from that. And people who actually do are way beyond me and then beyond that people who then fucking try to do something about it, you know, like someone who would actually try to do something about sweatshop labor going like, all right, well, I'm only going to buy clothes that are in this country. I tried to do that for a second and I did that like fucking 15 years ago and the options were ridiculous. I was like, I'm not wearing that out to a comedy club. I'm going to get destroyed.

So I said to how with these fucking kids who sew together my shirts, I was protecting myself when I was going down to the cellar because I didn't want to get trashed. So I guess I'm saying I'm a selfish piece of shit. I think that's what I learned watching Fox and CNN. I think I saw a lot of myself like these guys are just fucking into their own deal. I check in the Huffington Post completely 100% into her own fucking deal, you know, the whole fucking world, the same way with those Fox news guys, the entire world is the way she sees it. And those guys, the entire world is the way that they see it. And they just cannot fucking on any other level fathom any other reality out there. You know, I think a lot of times I listen to feminists.

I just listen to what they say and I just switch around a couple of pronouns from men, you know, he to her. And it's just like you literally if I fucking took what you just said and I took out all the men and replaced it with women and her and I swear to God, you would sound like a Trump supporter. All right, I'm off my fucking soapbox. All right, I was up there for a minute. Now I'm off it. What I'm really trying to say is you got to fucking watch Fox and CNN and pull yourself out of it. You know what I mean? It's like your team got knocked out of the playoffs and you just sit there and you just watch it.

And just watching these fucking people. It's not none of it is news anymore. It's it's just like I don't I don't know what it is. It's their fucking opinions. It's like two op ed channels. It's like everybody's Andy Rooney, except there's no humor in it anymore. They just fucking I guess I'm doing that now on my podcast. Look, it's affecting me.

Where's where's the silly jokes? You know what? Maybe I'm out of jokes. I don't have any fucking jokes left. I so want to read you guys some of these fucking jokes. I'm going to blame David Ortiz for childhood obesity. There's one for you. Oh, the Red Sox.

Oh, yeah, I got some good shit for them just in general. I don't have a lot of Pedroia stuff. Gronkhowski's hard, too, because I I'm going on last and I know everybody's going to be saying this guy's dumb. But he fucking woke up, woke up, and then he walked a walker and then I'll be like, ah, fuck, I can't do that joke. Now what do I do? I don't know. I'll figure it out. In a worst case scenario, I bomb and it's over in 10 minutes.

And then what do I do? I just slowly walk out of the fucking room, you know, but I can't drink myself into the stupor. You know why? Because, oh, Billy, no fun. Billy, no fun. That's right. On and off Billy is what I really am. Since I decided to be Billy, no fun.

I've drank Saturday and Sunday both weekends and I have not drank Monday through Friday. So I'm not drinking tonight. That'll be four days in a row. I won't drink tomorrow. And then I'll fly back Saturday. I'm not going to drink that day. I think I'll be good. I'll put a good two week fucking run together.

Maybe not quite. It's the following weekend. I'm working with Verzi. Who knows? I don't know, but I got it. I got it dialed down though. I got it back under control. I like to think, you know, because I said so.

I'm going to Billy AA. All right. Where I'm going to give myself a chip every five days. I get a chip and then I get a drink. That's how my AA works. You know, that's the problem with addicts. It's just so all or nothing. It's why they're fucking miserable.

So I just have like a glass of wine and just fucking relax. All right. Your gluttonous psychopath. I'm not a fan of addicts. I'm really not. Most, some of them are cool, but in general, there's some of the most selfish fucking people you're ever going to meet on the face of the fucking earth.

And they got that built in fucking excuse. Oh, it's not me. It's the addiction. That's why I love South Park. They're like, no, no, no, no, but you did that. That's not me. It's the disease. Fuck out of here.

Every time it's disease, it's never you. It's never you. All right. I think I said enough stuff to offend people here that I get some fucking emails. All right. Let's let's read a little bit of advertising here. Five fold club. Looking good doesn't need to cost a fortune because five fold club is

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And was just calling him like a corporate liberal, just acting as though all of this shit didn't exist during the Obama presidency. All of this, you know, people upside down in houses, these never ending fucking wars, all of this shit. Everybody gets all amped up about ties. He says it way better than me. And I forget where he's on, on the internet,

but I'm considering moving my operation over there because YouTube is a fucking ripoff. There are a bunch of goddamn thieves. I told you the deal over there, if your video gets flagged, then you don't get the advertising money, yet they still play the ad. So it's like, well, who gets the money then? They try, oh, nobody gets it, really?

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and you fucking shoot up in bed with an absolute panic going, please let that be a squirrel that just bounced off my fucking window. You know what? Why doesn't everybody have a panic room? Just sleep in that fucking... My panic would be that the fucking door wouldn't open up, and I'd be in there in this fucking airtight... Well, not airtight, but soundproof fucking room.

And then there's some cheesy headline after I fucking died. Right? Panic room turns into actual panic room. Sorry, that's simplysafebird.com for 10% off your order. It's simplysafe.com. It's S-I-M-P-L-I-Safe.com. Is there a reason why they always misspell the words of their company? Is that because every website's taken at this point?

Go to billieburr.com, B-I-L-L-E-E. Bill Lee Burr. Alright, how much time have I done here? Oh, 37 minutes. Well, usually I'd give you a little more fucking freebies here, but I gotta go back to writing, which I really don't want to do. Jesus, well, you know what? I guess that's what I gotta do here.

Yeah, I gotta sit down. I gotta do this fucking roast thing. I need more shit on Padreia. I need more shit on Gronkh. I mean, where do you go? Where do you go with either one of them? I get it. He's little and he's dumb. What else is there? What the fuck else is there? Alright, that's the podcast.

I was just checking in. I was just, you know, trying to get you home. Okay, now you can listen to some music, and then we'll have some greatest hits from a podcast going by from Thursday from years ago. I have no idea what Andrew Thelmaus is going to fucking pull up, but he always pulls up some good shit. I want to thank everybody who said that they had enjoyed listening to Mute Math, M-U-T-E Math, Mute Math, all one word.

They have a new album. You got to check them out. You got to see them live. You got to tell your friends about them so you can be the cool person that told them that there's a band called Mute Math that exists. Right? I'm telling you, it's great as their albums are. They have even fucking better life. Don't check them out if you get a chance.

Alright, that's the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend. I'll let you know how the roast goes on Monday. Alright, see you. Welcome. Even when the meaning that is there is hard to say it. Welcome.

Cause everything's caught on and I can't portray it. I'm hoping not to feel unassured but I can't relate. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 22nd, 2009. And I'm going to start this podcast by apologizing

for not doing a podcast, not only not doing a podcast last week, but not even giving you guys the decency of sending out a bulletin with some sort of an explanation. I don't know, I'm in New York right now and I'm working on this movie thing and it's been raining and it's rained like every fucking day

and it's really been affecting the way the whole shoot thing's going. So, I had a lot of nights where I was walking in at about six in the morning and yeah, it was that. And then also not to mention I didn't have batteries for my fucking recorder. What other excuse do I have?

Oh, I also did a podcast for 25 minutes last Monday and realized that I didn't even have the fucking recorder on. The dumb fuck that I am. Yes, son, fuckhead that he is. Yeah, so I didn't even have the goddamn thing on and I was meaning to buy batteries and I never did and basically I am douchebag of the week. How do you like that?

I'm douchebag of the week for, not because I didn't do a podcast, you know, we all miss days at work. Hell, A-Rod missed two days in a row because he was a little fatigued. He was a little fatigued, you know, you make 200 fucking million dollars, you miss the first two months of the season

because your hips fucked up, because I don't know what, you fucking stuck the needle in too far? You know, oh Jesus, that was a cheap shot. I'll tell you guys right now, as far as baseball goes, I'm already getting into golf and I'm preparing myself.

If one more fucking guy that I loved, test positive for steroids, there's one dude in particular, if they ever name his name, I am done with fucking baseball. I'm not gonna say who it is out of respect, most of you can probably guess who, but I'm gonna be done with the sport,

so this is what I figure. I figure basketball and hockey go, you know, they go all the way into like the second week of June. So then all I gotta do is I just gotta kill the last two weeks of June and the fucking, the four weeks of July. That's all I have to kill.

And then it's gonna be preseason. Even then, they got the Hall of Fame game, right? They got the Hall of Fame game, I think that's when it is in July. And then I'm good, and I don't have to deal with baseball anymore because I can't fucking take it anymore. You know, and believe me,

I don't believe in Santa Claus, I'm not like a fucking idiot, but you know, Sammy Sosa, test positive. What do you think about Sammy Sosa? I mean, I mean, I think Barry Bonds belongs in the Hall of Fame because of what the fuck he did

before he became this righted out monster. I mean, the guy was, he was always a beast. Then he turned into the Hulk. You know what I mean? So, I mean, whatever. Do you say he's better than Babe Ruth? I wouldn't say that

because Babe Ruth, you know, wasn't on juice. But why wasn't Babe Ruth on juice? You know why? Because they didn't have any juice back then. That guy was on the fucking sauce, and he was eating fried chicken, and he was date-raping chicks on a fucking train on the way down to Baltimore.

That's what I read. You know? He's in the Hall of Fame, so why not Barry Bonds in his huge fucking HGH head? Why can't he get in? But Sammy Sosa, this is why I say no to that guy. Because that motherfucker was,

he wasn't anybody, and then all of a sudden he was somebody, and then he was gone again. And not only did he do roids, he got caught with a fucking cork bat. Okay, what the fuck else do you need? You know? What else do you fucking need at that point?

Have your best friend fucking get on the mound and underhand the ball to you? That guy hit, he hit like what, 606 home runs? I think he hit like fucking 560 of them in a year and a half. Baseball's been bitty, bitty good to me. Shut up, stupid.

You got a needle sticking out of your shirt pocket. Yeah, so I think I'm going to be done. I'm going to be done with baseball. I'm going to be fucking, I'm going to be done with it. One more fucking guy that I love, Test Positive, you know? Because you know what you do?

I don't know about you guys, but I go back to when I was cheering the player on and getting all excited and you just feel fucking stupid. You know? Remember in 1998? Who the fuck was watching baseball? Baseball was finished.

They still hadn't recovered from the strike. The only thing that was good that was going on was Cal Ripken broke Lou Gehrig's streak. And then all of a sudden McGuire and Sosa having this home run fucking contest and I sat there like some depression-eric fucking kid. Boy, oh boy. Golly gee, did you see that one go over the fence?

I fucking scalped a ticket to go watch Mark McGuire hit his 28th home run against the San Diego Padres, as they say up in Boston. Fucking I, you know, sat in the upper deck in left field. I watched him take batting practice. It was actually pretty funny

because at that point he was such a fucking rock star because he'd already come close to you before. This dude was such a fucking rock star that half the stadium was full just to watch him, just to watch this guy take batting practice. And he came up to the plate and he got a standing ovation

like an hour before the game. So everybody's waiting for him to fucking crush one over the wall. And I'll never forget this. They pitched the first practice pitch in and he laid down a bun. And everybody laughed and some idiots booed because they're morons.

You know, those are the same people who would just stand, back then they would just stand it around because there was no YouTube that they could sit there and fucking write that dumb ass comments on. So anyways, Jesus Christ, you know, if you're not into sports

you're definitely not listening to this fucking podcast. I gotta have a couple of congratulations out there. I gotta congratulate the fucking Los Angeles Lakers. Jesus Christ. I gotta admit I did not watch one second of the celebration. I, or the last game, I just was sort of flipping in

once I saw they were like up by 15. I was like, ah, those motherfuckers. And then, you know, and then ESPN comes on and says that they have 15 championships and only two behind the Celtics, which is true, but I also know every moron L.A. Laker fan

thinks that the Los Angeles Lakers have 15 titles when they don't. They have fucking 10, okay? And I believe that the fucking titles belong to the fans, okay? What the fuck did the people in Minnesota celebrate? Nothing? Those aren't theirs? Oh, god, I'm in such a cunty fucking mood.

I just gotta do this podcast though because I know I'm gonna sleep till fucking one tomorrow. My whole fucking sleep pattern is just out of whack. So anyways, if you're new to my podcast, I do one of these motherfuckers every week unless I'm fucking staying out

till six in the morning and it's raining every night. So let's get on with the questions here. The question for the week. All right, this person says, I recently read something online about Michael Vick negotiating a spokesman deal

for PETA since you now have your dog. How fucking stupid is that? You know, like anybody's gonna believe that Michael Vick gives a shit about dogs. That's like when like Vince Neil fucking gets busted for drinking and driving

and somebody dies in the car and then like three weeks later he's like, hey, this is Vince Neil. When you're out partying it up, just make sure you got a designated driver. You know? I never understood that. It's like dude, where the fuck do you get off

telling me what the fuck I should do before I get behind the fucking wheel? Huh? You fucking cunt. Um... You know what I mean? So Michael Vick is gonna be a spokesman. I don't understand people at PETA.

Are they trying to just embarrass the guy? Is that what they're doing? Like yeah, listen, we got so much power. We're gonna make this guy come on TV and act like he gives a shit about dogs when he clearly doesn't. That doesn't make any fucking sense when you really think about it, right?

That's like, uh... That'd be like as some woman's group having a convicted rapist go on and be like, you know, you really gotta respect these brats. They, uh, you know, they work hard. They, uh, they'll make you a sandwich and, uh, sorry, I'm riffing.

Um, that was supposed to be the rapist saying to the ladies going, sorry, I'm riffing. And the ladies are supposed to be yelling. There's nothing about making a sandwich in that statement, you know, if you didn't get it. I'm really not good at that type of shit. All right, let's, let's plow through this question.

Um... All right. We're gonna have terrorists fucking give, uh, fourth of July tips in the next couple of weeks. Oh, my God. I was really, I was literally ready to go into some hacky fucking Middle Eastern accent,

which is really some just me imitating somebody else doing an Indian accent. Somebody from India, you know? Make sure you don't put the firecrack. I was literally gonna do that and I stopped myself because just out of fucking respect for myself and you guys

is the listeners. Okay. I swear to God, if I actually did that, like, and you guys actually came back next week and listened to the podcast, you know, I would lose all respect for you. All right, let's finish this question. All right. I recently read something about, uh, online

about Michael Vick negotiating a spokesman deal for PETA. Since you now have your dog, uh, what do you think about this? I think I just answered that. I personally hate the fucker people like him that would leave a dog by the bridge or worse

after they're done fighting them. Not to mention, this is just a ploy to get back on the public's good side so he can work his way into playing football again. Also, since you're now doing the podcast, uh, wait, let me just address that quite, you know,

so he can, uh, it's just a ploy so he can get back on the public's good side so he can play football again. All you animal lovers out there, don't you think Michael has paid his debt to society? I mean,

what the fuck else does this guy have to do? His dream was to play professional football. It got taken away. He had millions of dollars. He's fucking, he has nothing left. They took his house, they took his mom's house. The guy did time

for fucking with dogs. He went to Leavenworth. Sammy the Bull didn't go to fucking Leavenworth. He went, right? I just literally just said that. I have no idea if he went there or not. That's one of those bar room fucking things. That's something you say in a bar

when no one can fucking do the research. I guess they can now in their blackberries, you know? But you guys are all at your computer so I'm sure everybody's clicking on your fucking keyboards. But you know what I mean? The guy went to fucking Leavenworth. He was the quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons. He was one of the, he was on his way

to acting like he was the next Michael Jordan. But he's playing fucking football. Right? What does he do? He has some dog fights. People flip the fuck out. Right? I'm not saying what he did wasn't fucking it was bizarre.

What he did was fucking bizarre because I, I don't know that I had heard of dog fights but I just thought that was like some gangs in New York shit. I didn't know people still did that stuff. But anyways, I mean he lost everything. The guy lost everything. He lost

two fucking years of playing. He, the guy lost everything and he went to fucking Leavenworth. Jesus fucking Christ. It, it, you know, fuck you, Peter. Go fuck yourself. I'm not doing your god damn fucking announcement.

Alright? I spent the last two years trying not to get raped. I lost all my fucking money. I lost my fucking career and I'm probably gonna sign with the fucking Detroit Lions. Isn't that enough for you cunts? You fucking weirdos? Why don't you go yell at Obama for fucking slapping a housefly like you've never done that?

Can you fucking believe Obama got shit? For, it's a fucking house. It lands on shit. Get it off me. You know? How about a mosquito? Would people at Peter flip out about a fucking mosquito? You know? Don't those things

carry diseases? You dumb fuck, oh, speaking of that, swine flu is back, huh? Good ol' swine flu. You gotta love swine flu. As long as you don't get it and nobody loves gets it, I'm telling you, there's, you know, there's good things, you know? Thin out the traffic. You know?

Just get some, how the fuck did I was doing a bit about that. Maybe I can bring that back about how any time a new disease comes out, like, it can't just be like you know, someone was in the forest and they got bit by something. It always has to be

somebody fucked an animal. You know? AIDS, some, dude, somebody fucked a monkey, you know? They fucked a monkey and then they got on the Concorde and they blew a stewardess and or a male stewardess

and then there was AIDS. Oh yeah, yeah, I'm telling you. We have a dude, somebody fucked a fucking cow, dude. Really? Really? Swine flu?

I'm telling you, dude, down in Mexico, they fucking, if they fuck pigs down there, you know? Don't see anybody fucking pigs up here, do you? Shut up. Everybody comes a goddamn doctor. Um, I don't know, where do diseases come from? I think they actually,

uh, I don't know. I was actually gonna say, do you think that they would be fucking, I think they would be, but would you think this? Would you think that they would be evil enough? Sorry, I was just making sure there's fucking things recording because this happened

to me last week and I talked for 25 minutes and it didn't. Do you think that they would actually be fucking evil enough to actually just create a disease? You know? I do. And then actually think that they could somehow control it and, um,

I don't know, man. You got, something has to be done. There's just too many fucking people. I've said this before. I swear to God, I'm 41. I don't have any kids. I really think I should be getting a tax break for not adding to the traffic. You know? I think everybody should be required to wait till

they're 40s to have kids. Let some old people die. Let some accidents happen. Let some fucking people die. So we don't have to fucking have 19-lained highways. You know? Maybe it's good

that people are fucking pigs. I don't know. If in the end of it some people fucking die and then they don't have 8 kids. Man, you know? Does anything I say make sense? It's just so fucking stupid sometimes. So anyways, let me finish with this question here.

Um, also, since you're now doing the podcast on your new microphone system, will we get a chance to hear any more of you on the road or in an airport? I found those to be hilarious and like the sound better. Don't know why. The new ones are too quiet.

Uh, but still free, so I probably shouldn't be complaining. Hope to see you on stage soon. Dude, I don't know what the deal is with that. Maybe, I think, uh, last week's was too quiet because I had a problem. I didn't adjust the device correctly. I'm on the road, I don't have the microphone,

and, uh, you know, I'm on the talent end here. I'm not in the fucking... I'm not the guy in the studio. I'm not Bob Rock here, okay? So sometimes they might be a little fucked up. But, um, yeah, I know. A lot of people like those old podcasts

where I used to just go off on people in airports. Um, I don't know. I guess I could do it. But it was always easier to do it on my phone because people, they had no idea I was talking to them. They had no fucking device. You know? God knows, somebody will take some 9-11 statute

and I'll be in some goddamn back room. Um, all right, let's get to overrated, underrated. Okay, overrated, underrated for this week. All right, overrated. People who make those, uh, that moves me emotional grunts during public performances. Uh, Jesus, isn't that...

Yeah, not the fucking truth. If you're listening to a firsthand story about saving a person's life, perhaps, but making a noise across between, I'm enlightened, and I have a stomach pain in response to a trivial fact

that gets old quick. Yeah, I absolutely have to fucking agree with that one. Another one. Overrated. This is one that's gonna fucking definitely get some feedback. Somebody says, public school teachers are overrated. They only work 9 months a year,

get paid to living wages and benefits and pensions, and they have a ridiculously easy job. I'm gonna pause there as any of you if I have any teachers who are listening. They're just teaching the same shit over and over again every year, and they, for the most part,

suck at it. Wow. Calculus aside, most of the shit is really simple. Like, how hard is it to teach kids how to spell the word tree? Every year. It's not like the Boston Tea Party level of nuance every year. You teach it.

Yet they complain. We're underpaid. We're underappreciated. But shit, you're overpaid for working a semi-part-time job that you mostly suck at. You're given a free pass to the middle of class, and somehow the bonus of a social martyrdom.

I know I didn't say that right. People are always bitching. Oh, we need more teachers. Dude, are school teachers middle class? What do you consider middle class? 25 grand a year? Whatever the fuck they pay? Those poor things living off of government money and having to

explain really simple shit to children. Not an easy job, like working minimum wage, hauling debris, working the fields or cleaning bathrooms in convalescent homes. Stupid fucking lazy coal miners. They don't contribute to society like we do. I guess this is

the teachers talking. We help mold young minds. Great job. That's why most people are fucking morons. Alright. Alright, dude. I'm gonna fucking weigh on this one. I think what you're doing is you're blaming the ass of the problem.

Alright, dude. Would you want to stand there in front of 30 snot-nosed kids? 18 of which probably have two dumb fucks who didn't wear a fucking condom for parents. You know? And you gotta get there with their fucking brat kid

and all these fucking parents. No parent today can admit that that kid is a douchebag. You know? Not overall. No parent would admit that. But you know what I mean? Like in a certain situation. They always got a fucking excuse. They got ADD. The teachers

was doing this, so they were doing that. You know? Dude, do you want to be a fucking... It's such a fucking great job, dude. You go be a goddamn teacher. I know what you mean, dude. Nine months a year is the shit. Their vacation days are ridiculous. That is a great point. Think about that.

They get all those Jewish holidays off. They get the PTA thing off. They get the fucking Thanksgiving week off. They get like a 10-day vacation, 14-day vacation over Christmas. February vacation, April vacation, and summer vacation. You know?

And you do come in from nine to three. And I gotta admit, even if you are teaching calculus, once you do it for a number of years, you got it down. But you know what? You can say that about everybody. You know? The fuck? Let me tell you.

How many basements do you have to refinish before you got it down? Well, you know what you gotta do. You know? I don't know. And anytime we get into shit, the first thing they cut is they always cut education.

They always cut education. People have old fucking books. I don't know. You know something? Talk to some of the people in New York, and some of the shit that they gotta deal with in some of the public schools. You know? And no matter what they do, the kids never fucking wrong. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I will, I'll tell you this. I do totally agree with their hours are ridiculous. And the amount of vacation time that they get is ridiculous. But I gotta be honest with you, dude. Think about flying, getting on an airplane, and there's that fucking screaming kid.

Alright? Now, multiply that times 30, and you gotta spend six fucking hours. At least when you're on the goddamn plane, you can ignore the kid. You can put on a Walkman. You can't do that as a teacher. You gotta actually somehow get these kids to shut the fuck up and then teach them how to spell the word tree.

You know? Fuck that. You can have that job. Alright. I actually thought about being a teacher for a while before I did stand up. I just wanted to somehow be in front of a group of people and be funny.

And I remember every job I thought about, I'd be, oh, I'd be funny. I'll be a cop, but I'll be a funny cop. I'll pull people over and I'll let them go. You know? That's what I used to think. I'd be one of those guys who get shot during the second fucking week because I'm trying to make friends. You know? With my pathetic need to be liked.

Alright. Let's get into the bad press thing. A few weeks ago, I mentioned how, you know, there's certain groups of people that just always get good press. You know? Firemen always get good press. The men and women in the armed services always get good press.

And for the most part, 99% of it is right. Alright? But if you saw Jurassic Park and you listened to Jeff Goldblum explain chaos theory, there's exceptions. You know? There's no way there's not one

douchebag in the Navy. There's no way there's not one asshole at the fire department. You know there are. We just wanted to hear the stories and here's one. Bill, this is about an Army guy. Bill, I have a story about an old neighbor of mine who was in the army. Most people in the army never seemed to have

anything negative said about them. But that's not the case with me. I used to live next to a family in which there were six sons and each of them were real pieces of shit. Hahahaha! That's hilarious! Isn't there always just that fucking

piece of shit scumbag family. You know, every fucking one of them is a piece, the dads a piece of shit, the mothers a piece of shit, all the sons, all the daughters, the dog, their car, it's just a, from top to bottom,

it's just a piece of shit fucking family. Right? They all sit there breathing through their mouths. Alright, anyways, so he goes, yeah, they're all pieces of shit. He goes, I'm talking about the types of assholes who would drop a hit of acid in someone's beer

and get a kick out of watching the person trip his ass off. Every one of them was arrested at least once. The oldest was the biggest piece of shit out of the bunch. He shot a liquor store clerk and I think he paralyzed the guy from the waist down. But out of all of them,

there was one who considered himself to be the prize. Why you ask? Because he was the one who was in the army. And whenever this guy would come back home to visit, he would bring his army toys with him. This is a great fucking story. There are a few stories that I remember.

One time he had a smoke screen and set it off in a neighbor's yard. There were these blue flames shooting out the back and just burning up the grass. And in a matter of five seconds, you couldn't see any of the houses on the street.

Another time he set off a flare in the middle of the night. I can still see him setting the thing off. He just smacked the end of it on the pavement. Out came this little ball of light that shot up in the sky and then poof! It was daylight out. He woke up half the neighborhood.

But the worst ever was when he was home for Thanksgiving and I saw him out at a bar. He had brought home a fucking hand grenade and was trying to sell the fucking thing. One last thing about this family. They had a retarded brother who was a fucking monster.

Like 250 pounds. All I did with this brother was basically keep him locked up in a room and let him watch pro wrestling. One year at the 4th of July block party, they thought it would be funny to get him drunk and let him loose at the party. That was easily in the top three

scariest moments in my life. No bullshit. People were hopping fences in fear of this guy. He didn't hurt anyone, but he dent this shit out of a tool shit. See what I'm saying? See what I'm saying? See what I'm saying?

That's why there's always one asshole. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. He's trying to sell a fucking hand grenade. I got a question for you guys. Would you buy it? I wouldn't. I'd be so afraid I'd blow my fucking hand off.

But if someone bought it, I would... I'd want to be in the vicinity of the direction where they threw it. Are there any military people listening to this podcast? Is there anything that you can... How big is that?

It's like a hand grenade. You know what I mean? I'm in a hotel room. If somebody threw a hand grenade in this fucking room, and it was on the other side of my bed and I jumped on this side of the bed like fucking Tom Cruise in one of those

Mission Impossible fucking movies. I live. What happens to me in real life? You know? What happens? Would I immediately lose my hearing? Would shrapnel go through the bed? Would me in the bed just go flying out the fucking window?

Would I be alright? Will I stop asking questions? Alright, let's move on. Here's another one. Bill, congrats on the Tonight Show and the movie. Thank you. And even more so on the dog. I got a pair of... Let me read this. This is one I should have enlarged.

I got a pair of pound mutts two years ago and it changed my fucking life. The whole thing you said about not even knowing them a month ago, and now already dreading the day they're gonna die. Fuck, I'm right there with you. Dogs are kids who never disappoint.

Even when my girl ate my cell phone, I loved her. You mean your girl dog? I actually thought you meant your daughter. That's fucking some idiot. Alright. Anyways, you said I still loved her. I never knew I had it in me. Yeah, man,

I gotta fucking agree with you, dude. Fucking dogs are the greatest goddamn things ever. I respect cat people, but I just don't get it. I don't get it. Cats are like the hot chick at a bar, man.

They just fucking... They come to you when they need you and then they just... I respect cats. I totally respect cats because they're like loners, you know? Every once in a while they pop in, hey, what's going on?

You know, how you been? Alright, take it easy, then they leave. I totally get that shit, but like, I don't know. Just the way they kind of come and go and they don't pay rent, this is an arrogance to that. You know, I think dogs are a lot more appreciative, you know?

I think they sense... the monetary system that cats do. Plus, cats practice killing you. I don't like that. Fucking girlfriend, I had years back. I, you know, I would just sense something watching me. I'd turn around and I'd catch the cat like stalking me.

It was annoying. It was annoying that the little thing thought it was gonna fucking do... I mean, it could do something to me. Alright, so I don't even know you cat people to be like, dude, let me tell you something, that thing wanted to... You know, if I wanted to, if I wanted to, I could take out one of the many weapons

that human beings have invented where I could fucking kill a cat from across the room. I gotta tell you right now, if Michael Vick was fighting cats, he would have got community service. People just don't give a shit about cats. You know? But people love...

they love dogs. You can trash cats. I'm telling you, you can be in a comedy, do a stand-up comedy, and you can fucking trash cats and people just don't give a shit. But you start trashin' dogs and people really, they really have a problem with it.

You know? Cats are gross. They shit in the house. Why can't you just go outside and do that? You know? Ugh. Is the litter box ever clean?

Is there any guy out there you datin' a girl with the fucking cat? And the stupid fucking things, the boundaries. They jump up on tables, they're on the bed, they're on your chest, they're a fucking on the couch. You're an animal. Get on the goddamn floor.

If I had a cat, I can't even begin to tell you how much I would fucking torture it. You know? I would get one of those little spray bottles with the water. I guess that's what you're supposed to use to keep them off the couch. I would just do that all the time. Just in general.

Shoot them right in the fucking face. You know? Fucking civil rights rally. Goddamn fire hose. Right to the face. All right. I don't know why I had to bring that up. Cash registered.

Hey Bill, did you see the Lakers take the championship? 99.86, it was awesome. Yes, I did. Phil Jackson now has his record 10th championship ring on his finger. And you really look like a leprechaun next to Conan. He tells me that.

You look like his gay little brother. He's pretty tall. He's 6'4". I think he's actually like 6'6". Anyways. Also, I was thinking about your position against self-checkout lines. I was at the store the other day

and saw there were only two people working at registers and the other eight were self-checkout lines. It was appalling. And half the time a person uses the self-checkout, something malfunctions and someone has to come over to help. So why the fuck don't they just put a competent, efficient individual at the register?

That's just another example of our increasing unemployment rate. I totally agree with you. People are fucking morons. You want to see a classic example of fucking morons? Where all those idiots standing in line to buy the new iPhone. People have like the memory

of like two minutes now. Remember when the first iPhone came out? What happened? They stood in line like they were going to go see Bruce Springsteen backstage or some shit. They get the phone. The phone sucked. The service sucked. Everything sucked.

It was overpriced. They recalled something and then two months later they fixed it, right? And then the second wave were better phones for like $200 cheaper. So why the fuck when the next phone comes out would you run in line to buy the first one again?

You know why? Because you're a dumb fuck. That's why. And you're the same dumb fuck who goes into a supermarket and uses one of those automated cashier lines because you think it's easier, you think it's quicker and you think it's better. You're a moron. You're working for free

for the supermarkets and you help and put people out of jobs. Fucking a month ago two people did the job for you for free. You just stood there with your hands in your pockets. Whatever dude, you know what? You're fighting a losing battle. And if you come out with some shiny new shit the line up to go do it

I don't give a fuck what it is. Alright, there's my little fucking editorial for the week. Alright, sports. Annoying things in sports. Paul Gasol's fucking face. Come on Laker fans, you gotta admit it. You won the championship, you're in a good mood. You gotta admit, come on.

If that guy wasn't fucking playing for you that vice head oh and that itchy beard it's like, is he doing like what was that show he had the queer eye for the straight guy? That's what he needs. He needs like a makeover. You know?

I think he just realizes he's weird looking and he's trying to cover it up with hair. Alright, you know one of these days I'm gonna run into that guy and he's gonna take his size fucking 19 sneaker and he's gonna stomp me right on the face. Anyways over time this guy gets

fouled or commits a foul every time he gets a foul or commits a foul he acts like somebody committed a crime. I know. I've been doing an impression of him on stage. Any podcast listeners if you come out to one of my shows if any time you want to yell that out

please do it in between jokes. I would really appreciate that. Don't do that during a joke. That moment during my set when I look lost and I act like I'm thirsty and I'm taking a sip of water but I'm really trying to think about what the fuck I'm gonna talk next yell it out then.

And as an added bonus I'll do my Derek Jeter impression. My Derek Jeter impression is the impression of Derek impression of Derek Jeter taking a fastball right down the middle of the plate for strike one

I do a I do a fantastic impression of what he does. Anyways, PS what do you think of the Stanley Cup Game 7? I thought it was an amazing game great for hockey and surprising the wings choked thanks again for the podcast

dude the wings didn't choke you know that's the new age of sports if somebody wins that means the other person choked they didn't choke they just weren't penguins were a better fucking team you know I don't know that was a great

series I liked it and I was psyched I had mixed emotions I didn't want to see Detroit win again just out of jealousy but I'm still bummed the Steelers won the Super Bowl you know fucking Patriots caught right up to them

we were one behind them and now somehow we're three behind them again but I don't know but I respect the Steelers I mean they're always beating powerhouses for their titles now like the Seattle Seahawks and the Arizona Cardinals and you know who knows maybe next year

they'll play the Saints for the biggest trophy in pro football I have no right to be bitter I just want to see the Bruins win a Stanley Cup and then I'm done and then I'm you know there's another way I'm going to get out of fucking I'm going to get out of watching baseball when the rest of my heroes

fucking test positive is Wimbledon Wimbledon tennis starts this week that'll kill another week and all I got to do is just worry about July and at that point there's got to be some arena football

what do you football fans who just refuse to watch baseball what do you do during July maybe I could get out of the house and actually work out you know take up sailing alright this is the end of the podcast this one is this one's kind of short this week but it's late at night

and I don't know if it rains tomorrow I'm going to end up shooting I believe I have no idea it's very up in the air so I probably should get some sleep even though they really don't call us until five what else can I talk I don't want us to fucking talk about oh I added

a date that I do not have up on my website yet hopefully I'll have it up by the time I post this I am doing another Monday only show at the punchline in San Francisco I did one back in March I did two shows and I just went up

and I just sort of told stories while I kind of did my act and I had probably two of the best sets I can ever remember having so I'm sure this time I don't know I know I'm going to have a good time again I just always have a good time when I'm up there and

I don't know that's it that's the end of the fucking podcast I'm getting loopy here I actually know what I've been doing during the day they got I found another studio here in New York where I can go play fucking drums and I'm telling you I'm inching closer and closer to being able to play that good times bad

times if I just fucking played drums I swear to God I I would have had it down by now but I always go like all these days in between fucking drumming and shit but I'm telling you and when I get that thing down without a doubt I'm gonna fucking make a video of it

and you guys can all trash me about what a douchebag I look like but I'm still going to be able to play it and my foot is that you know I'm talking about this shit right now because I know most people don't give a fuck is my foot is actually is aching right now for the amount I played for

like two fucking hours and I was just working on this that Jojo mayor that fucking heel toe thing I'm going to get that thing down I'm getting that down and I'm getting down those fast doubles and when I do oh boy

oh boy I still won't have a gig all right all right that fucking ending sucked god damn it all right that's the end of the Monday morning podcast somebody sent me an MP3 I said I was going to put it up this week I just don't have the I don't have the fucking time right now

when I get back to LA in a couple weeks I'm going to do it somebody made me a new intro and if you guys want to try to come up with an intro I know I got some musicians out there who listen to this if you want to write an intro song somebody a long time ago some band offered to do that and I

never really got back to him I think they were from Michigan I can't remember but if you want to do that go ahead now because I actually kind of know how to use garage band and I could kind of splice it together yeah and that's it so that's it people I will be doing stand up in New York City I actually

worked the comedy seller last weekend and I might be at comics this Wednesday which that would be June 24th I might be doing it but there's also a chance that I might

be shooting and I might not be there so it's day to day just like A-Rod day to day and A-Rod if you're listening I hope you get over your fatigue I hope you took a nap haha haha

god I'm such a cunt alright you guys have a great week alright take it easy music the monosyllabic vocas, pastic going through all these lip gymnastics music

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your mouth is moving something's up no need to tell me words are tough music oh whoa words won't come wish I had nothing music

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