Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-22-23

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

Bill rambles about flaming cars, jacked old guys, and cobalt mines. SimpliSafe:  Right now, get 20% off your new system when you sign up for Interactive Monitoring at www.SIMPLISAFE.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking it. Oh, oh, you. Who? What's going on? How is your? How's your week going? Are you coping? Are you checking in with yourself? Are you living your best life? I follow this guy on fucking YouTube. He's great. He does all this stuff about like,

what to look out for, you know, maintenance and mechanics if they're trying to rip you off. He goes, wrap up your engines. And he really moves his hand, just circul to rip you off. He goes, wrap up your engines and he really moves his hand, just circulates, if you will, when he talks. And all of his videos are great. And he did one recently. The guy was trying to claim that these new Ford lightnings are just catching on fire and not only burning to the ground, but taking

out entire parking lots of cars which i would think if that was actually happening that would be like a bigger story but that's you know there's also footage of like uh... as electric cars and they all caught on fire they were on a boat coming over and they burn the thing down. It's like you don't think maybe somebody on the ship fucked up somehow There's also that But whatever I just think the whole thing's hilarious. It's like I wouldn't even park next to an electric car to park a lot of what they trying to say And I'm just thinking to myself all right, but you're okay with riding around with a tank of gas underneath you that's then fed You know past you into an engine

that's having a controlled explosion. I mean, all cars are gonna have problems. Is that shit, there's no fucking way those things are like burning things. He's like, it's got a bad grub, Ford Motor Company. It was all this chicken little shit, man. It was, I don't know. He did make me feel good that I bought the F2 50 with the 6.7 turbo diesel I will tell you that

I'll have to Google that it's always funny like that you might have like People that can appreciate both Like I love a gas combustion engine, and I also love an electric car. Electric cars are fast as shit. And I think they're getting better looking, you know, but let's be honest, all cars are kind of ugly now, generally speaking, or if they're good looking, they all kind of look the same. Like BMW's Mercedes Jaguar's all kind of look the same. Toyota's Nissan Lexus, all of that shit looks the same. And then the American cars all fucking look.

They used to be, you know, when they weren't safe, I learned that too when comedians and cars with Seinfeld, I asked them twice during that episode, and why can't they make these cool designs? Because there's too many safety regulations, which is better. You don't die in the cars, why can't they make these cool designs? He says, there's too many safety regulations, which is better. You don't die in the cars, but like, back in the day, man, when they didn't give a fuck if you had

went through the windshield, the stuff they used to design was gorgeous. But anyway, I'm not shitting on that guy, by the way, because I absolutely love him, and I love his passion for cars. And I also love the intro. Rev up your engines, but I'll have to look into that. He could be right. I don't know. I don't think that all the Ford lightnings are catching on fire.

And I've also lived long enough that I know of something selling well in the car, the automotive world. There's always a immediately like a negative thing attached to it to try to slow down the sales. Like, I always bring this up. Like a long time ago, they had this thing called the Suzuki Samurai. And it was a little four wheel drive, like a RAV4 type of thing, but it was like a Jeep where they would have like a soft top.

And they just sold them as like fun. I remember the commercial, they'd have these fast cars going around the track, you know, in the bank angle, like 40 degrees, you know, almost fucking sideways going around. And then the Suzuki Samurai would come out and they would just, they would drive up it and four wheel drive and then go back down and everybody in the truck was going, we, you know, just like, we're just having fun in our vehicle. Blah blah blah. And that's what they sold it as a fun vehicle that you could go off road and have a mellow fun time. And they were selling like hotcakes because

like hotcakes, Bill. Yeah, like hotcakes. I got to look up with that expression came from. We don't like pancakes, right? But they were eaten into the sails of the Jeep. So then all of a sudden, there was this rumor going around that the Suzuki samurai was flipping over and it was killing college-age kids. And there was really no way to debunk it back then. I mean, it's hard enough now, everybody thinks, I looked it up, I just debunked it. It's like, well, how do you know the information you got is real. It's really difficult with all of this information.

But back then, there was no way to tell. So people believed it. Myself included. I said, well, I heard those things flip over, right? Anyway, long story short, it fucking killed the car. This is Zuki Samurai. And years later, I guess it was proven that the Chrysler Corporation that was making jeeps, producing jeeps were the ones that started

that rumor. So we'll have to see. But electric cars are here to stay. And like anything, they'll have little problems here and there, and then they'll fix them. I mean, Jesus Christ, stay. And like anything, they'll have little problems here or there. And then they'll fix them. I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, the amount of fucking glitches that the gas combustion engines cars have had over the years has been countless recalls, gas tank in the wrong place, causing fires, state troopers burning to death in a crown victoria. Remember that shit? And they figured out. But I was never afraid to park next to a crown victoria. So anyway, I finished my dates warming up. Getting ready to go back out on the road. I did two nights at the Roxy, which was amazing,

because, like I said, Sam Kinnison taped one of his special. I think right after the Rodney Dangerfield appearance, I don't even think I remember what that almost called, but it was taped at the Roxy and it's a really wild crowd. And, you know, it was during the height, the fucking height of the sunset strip, heavy metal scene and all of that. And Sam could shred on guitar and I think he was probably always going over there to see shows. It was right next to the rainbow room.

And I just, I got me honestly, I just love the simplicity of it. It's like you're living in LA and then you tape your special in LA is fucking amazing to me because that always seems like I always end up on the other side of the country or a fucking, I did one in England or whatever.

I'm like, well, if I turn on, I just do one in LA. You know, go right down the fucking street, do it, shoot it, and then go home. We'd be pretty amazing. I don't know why I never think to do that. It's typical me, but anyway, so that was the history there. And then on Monday night, I got to do the Truba Dua, which was another just crazy thing,

just to pull up to the market and see my name on the outside of that thing It's just the coolest thing ever and obviously every fucking band I ever loved That ever lived in LA played there and It was a thrill to go on stage just so thank you to everybody that came out and now I got the real deal I got Hershey, Pennsylvania tonight And now I got the real deal. I got Hershey, Pennsylvania tonight. Then I'm in Bridgeport, Connecticut, and then I'm at the, what used to be the continental airlines arena. I think it's now the Prudential Center out there in New Jersey. I'm doing that on SAI. So I'm feeling really good about my act. And I'm in Minnesota right now, man. I

would have gone out to the clubs, but the game went into extra innings. I went to a Red Sox game. They were playing the twins. Of course, they fucking lose. And extra innings, walkoff, single guy and second and third, that was it. But I got to go up in the booth for the whole game

with Kevin Euclis and Dave O'Brien, which was really cool, man. I still... That's not easy. I'll tell you, it's not easy. I always say, hey, go up there, you just fucking shoot the shape of Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. I was like, you really got to be like, pay attention what's going on, and like, somewhere around like the seventh or eighth inning, I just like, like, glaze and over. It's a lot to pay attention to trying to figure out. First of all, I was looking at the game down on the field. I didn't realize until like the eighth inning, I should be looking at the little TV because

they had all this information. So they're creating my neck trying to figure out how many outs there were and all of that. But I want to thank everybody at Nesson. I had a great time getting to do that. So that's it. I think that's what the podcast is going to be. Me talking conspiracy theories and just thanking people for fucking this and the other.

Got myself in decent shape for this fucking tour. I will tell you this, man, I was stretching, because that's what you have to do is in all the person I'm stretching, and I was sitting down, and I didn't have a shirt on, and I was sitting down, and I was just like, what in the fuck happened to me? So, when I get back, I gotta join a gym.

I need an elliptical back in my life. That's it. Then I'll end up fucking wearing out my hips and my goddamn knees and I'll have to get fucking hip replacement surgery. I mean, I don't know how you do. Well, what do you do past 50? You just fucking eat iceberg lettuce all day

and sip on black coffee. Is that what you can do? I really think like it's part of nature, though. Well, they want to make sure that you're aging out, you know, no one finds you attractive anymore and no one will fuck you. Because you're too old to reproduce, right? But then on the other side, you got all this fucking plastic surgery and all this shit. I was kind of talking about that the game tonight, like this guy's from my generation that are just absolutely fucking yoked, shredded, and they're in their 50s and it's, there's no fucking way to do it. I mean, how many chickens do you have to eat?

You got to be like eating chicken and steak as you're doing push ups and nature's just like, no, no, no, it's over. It's fucking over. Shut it down. Get some slippers. Put on some pajama bottoms. This is fucking it, right? My wife and I took a little stay vacation

like a year and a half ago, and I saw there was a guy, you know, down at the pool without a shirt on, that was like probably my age, little younger, whatever, and he was fucking jacked. And I said to Nia go, God damn I go, that's fucking inspiring man, look at that guy, that guy is killing it. And he is going like, yeah, you know, kind of, yeah. I go, what? He goes, yeah, he's got a little,

she does that and she imitates like putting a fucking syringentie of fucking leg. Does that? And I was like, really? And she goes, yes. And the way she said, yes, actually bug me because it made me feel stupid because she was right because this, like, I don't know. I never really stopped working out and I've never done any of that shit. And if you see what the fuck I look like

without a shirt off versus this guy, you know? Well, what do you build? A fucking pinnacle of 55 year old beauty? Maybe this guy is better genetics. That's possible. But this guy, this guy looked like, I wouldn't fight this guy if I was 25. Like, that's how fucking, like,

it wasn't like, roided up, but the guy was like solid, like fucking, you know, tapered in, like that just doesn't happen. No loose skin. No, no, just, oh god, look at me. I mean, just the fact he was in public without a fucking shirt on him. It was amazing. So, who knows, I'm not gonna talk too much shit about this because eventually we'll probably will end up happening is they'll have like some sort of organic steroids, you know, and then of course they'll be, you know, the only way to get it to the masses

we'll have to, they'll have to exploit some group of people or whatever. I somehow went down this fucking rabbit hole. And I think I was looking to think about electric cars and all of that type of shit. And it's so funny, because I've been sitting saying on the podcast going like, I don't understand there's all of these people out there

that claim to be patriotic, support the troops and all of that shit. It's like, well, you know, in one of fight terrorism, well, they say how like most of those terrorist groups, they're funded by oil money. So it's like, why don't you drive an electric car? It's my simplistic brain. Okay. Drive an electric car. You use less oil, even though there's fucking oil involved in electricity, whatever, whatever, you know, maybe lessen our dependency on it and drive an electric car.

Then I go down this fucking rabbit hole about where they get the materials, they get most of the materials from the Republic of Congo or whatever, and there's literally like slave labor conditions. They make like two fucking dollars a day. There's women down there with like baby strapped to that back. They're handling this, whatever this raw material is that they need, but there's no gloves or anything and they're breathing this stuff in with their baby.

And it's just like, Jesus Christ, you just can't fucking, you can't win. You can't fucking win. And then you can't tell me there's no fucking way to turn a profit on that shit, unless you treat people like that. I firmly believe it's because the people at the top wanna give themselves a hundred million dollar fucking bonus.

I don't know, but this has got depressing, didn't it? So there's basically no solution. So somebody told me, he said, if you wanna stay out of the depression of that, he told me this book and I actually ordered it. I was gonna read the fucking thing and I forgot to bring it on this trip. And it was something along the lines of the purpose

of a man or the purpose of living your life for whatever. And it's written by a Holocaust survivor, which is basically, you know, he said, like essentially the worst level of human behavior and survived it and then came out of it. And then you just like, so like, what, like, how do I believe in anything? Because that was, you know, that's why the person suggested the book to me because I kinda got into this place in my life where it's like, I don't know, you got kids, you want a better world or whatever,

you want people to be nice to each other and you're trying to make decisions with the least amount of people are getting hurt in every way you go. It's like, now fuck you. Oh, you like that? Yeah, they got babies put nose together and fucking North Korea.

What? Yeah, actual babies. Actual babies. They don't feed them. They just make them work. And then they eventually starve to the, what? Yes, yes, that's happening.

That's the thing. You know, obviously I'm fucking exaggerating. So you got all that fucking horrible shit is happening. I don't know, and then I don't know. I'm even with the fuck I'm saying. I'm gonna high-went down this fucking road. You know what it is? I just watched 10 fucking innings of baseball.

It had to be mildly entertaining. My fucking brain is fried. So now I'm talking about slave labor in the Congo. I am so out of my element right now. Having said all of that, I've been really good lately. I haven't had a cigar and fucking forever. And I'm going to, when I get off this podcast in exactly 13 minutes, if there is a cigar bar still open, I am not gonna go to it because I'm already in my hotel room. Who's kidding who?

You know? I'm at that fucking age that once I get back to the hotel room and I see the bed, it's it. I'm done, you know? Hey guy, I'll hit out with you guys. Let me just go drop this off in the room. I see the bed and then it's it. I'm done, you know. Hey guy, I'll head out with you guys. Let me just go drop this off in the room. I see the bed and then it's just like, yeah, I'm not fucking going out. We actually just got a new fucking mattress, you know, no, we did not get an Indochino mattress or a hazmat. What the fuck is it called? I always never know how to pronounce it,

because it was within age. Oh my God, I came up, it's been only been sponsored by my fucking podcast forever. You come on Bill, you can do this. It's a name of a heavy metal band too, isn't it? I don't fucking know. Anyway, we didn't get that, because my wife basically bought a craftmatic,

automatic, adjustable bed, but it's the new version of it. So the whole fucking time, I'm sitting here going like, because she could, I go, oh, so like when you wanna go up, that I have to go up too, what if I don't wanna go up?

She's like, no, it's split down the middle. It's basically two twins stuck together Speaking of the Nazis two twins stuck together, right? And then they fucking they You can decide You can decide what you want to do. So I'm like all right All right, that sounds okay. So she's so fucking excited about it. All right. So I have to be excited about it because I don't want to ruin her excitement.

So I'm like, okay, this is good. So she gets it and it's cool. You know, it puts your legs up or whatever and your head goes up and all that shit. So last night's the first night we have it and I wanna go to bed and it has this massage option on it. We can press the button and it does a massage. It's not a fucking massage.

It's just shaking the bed like you're in some fucking whorehouse in the 1960s, like the fucking honey moon suite when they'd have the hot tub, the shape of a fucking heart, you know, and it's just jizz all over the place from the last people. So she goes try out the massage thing, and I'm just sitting there, it's like, all right, it's vibrating, but you know what it felt like?

It felt like, you know, if you know what an earthquake feels like, not like a bad one, but there's always those ones where you're laying and bed going like, is the bed shaking? We have an earthquake. Is that an earthquake? Like, fucking 30 miles away, so it's not really shaking us. Is that what's happening? And then you go on the, sorry, I get the hiccups. And I hate the worst fucking hot dog I've ever had in my life.

This fucking thing was on the rotisserie since the beginning of the season. Oh my God. And there was this bun and it wasn't even sliced, so I had to open it with my fingers, and the both tabs just came apart, and then just crumbs fell out the bottom. But I was starving, right? And you up in the booth, there's like no food, so I fucking bit into it.

How can I explain it? Like the outside of it, it was like, the outside was like made out of wax. Like that was the kind of crunch it had, and then I plowed through. So anyway, what am I talking about? Crafmatic, automatic adjustable, adjustable bands, right? So it just kind of goes like, like there's a giant cat underneath you and then you go to the next level. It gets louder and then like the last level is like really fucking loud. So I'm

like, she's like, hey, you feeling that? I'm like, yeah, it's all right. I'm not into that. But I like to be able to put your head up and your legs up. So I'm on board with this purchase. I think she did a good thing, right? But then what happens is, is I want to go to sleep. So I bring my my side of the bed down and then she still has the masseuse thing on and it's going, but it, it's touching my mattress and I, I sleep on my side. So my head's on the pillow. The pillow is on the mattress. The mattress is touching her mattress and her mattress is vibrating. So now with my ear on the pillow, it sounds like she has it on the highest fucking level. To the point, I thought I had my side on and I'm going is my side vibrating?

And she was like in bliss loving it. And she was like in bliss loving it. So now I got to deal with this shit because she loves the fucking thing. And I don't know, it's just one of them. I'm thinking, oh, can I put ear plugs in? But then like you have the ear plugs in, it's going to be even louder because my body is touching the thing that is vibrating.

And if you actually put ear plugs in at that point, you hear it inside of your head, and it's fucking louder, and it's fucking loud on the such. Jesus fucking Christ. So we'll see. Oh, and then the last problem is the walls to our room are fucking weird. So the TV's off to the left. So now I got my fucking head cramed.

I'm folded up like a goddamn dumpling and I got this fucking thing vibrating. But you know, I love my wife to death and I want to keep her happy. And if you saw how fucking excited she is for this bed, you know, I'm going to give it the, uh, I'm going to give it the old college try here, but I'm going to have to, I mean, what I'm talking about on the podcast, I'm obviously going, I'm going to talk about it with her before you guys hear this shit because it's's Wednesday night, I gotta do the call from the road here. I gotta let her know about that. I was say, you know, you know, you know how you do it.

I'm not saying I don't love the thing that you bought. I'm not saying I'm not happy. I'm not saying that I'm not giving you credit for doing stuff for both of us. I'm just saying, it sounds like there's an else with a fucking, you know, with a jackhammer. You know, maybe he's got a little elf in driveway that he needs to tear up and he decided

to do the work himself rather than fucking hire a full-size person. I don't know. I feel like I'm in Chicago and I got that shit apartment right next to the L. That's what I feel like. T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T I love it until it's making noise. So that's the only, it's gonna be like the only problem. Well, the other problem is once you fucking, oh God, she's gonna kill me.

The other problem with the fucker thing is, once you're up, you know, it's fun. You feel here in the hospital, like you just got your appendix out, right? Who has a bed like this in the house, right? So, but like you just got your appendix out right? Like who has a bed like this in the house, right? So. That fucking sit there. Then you get used to it. And then you want to go to sleep

and you fucking, you lay it down the regular way, but your body is so used the other way. You feel like you're doing like a back bend. It's almost like, I remember when I was trying to get my instrument rating, when they would talk about about like, you know, if you were in the clouds and you were in a hold, you do that circle like if you're banking whatever 15 degrees for long enough, after a while, that feels like straight and level. So when you go back to straight level, you now think you're all the way over to the right or all the way over to the left, so you fucking over, correct. It's kind of like that. But I also, I only slept

in it like one night, but I will tell you why I love the bed though. Why I love the bed is because my wife fucking got so much joy out of it. She was so fucking excited. And, you know, I love where I wanted to be happy. So as long as she's fucking happy, I can deal with the ship. But I'm gonna, I'm gonna have to deal with the fucking Jackhammering. Um, you know, maybe because we didn't have, we didn't have sheets, you know, we didn't have all the bedding. Like, of course, the bed came and then the fucking sheets come like the next day. And by the way, she handled all of this shit. I didn't have to handle any of it, you know. I get the out, you know, whenever fucking shit gets delivered, I'm always on

the back porch. Like, I spend most of my time on my back porch. I fucking, I have meals out there. I write out there, I edit shit that I shoot out there. I just fucking, I love it. You know, I feel like if I'm out there, you know, I got the solitude and then, you know, if she find me. Are you saying you don't like it? No, I'm just making jokes, man. Don't take it personally.

All right, hang on a second. What have I got here? The live read, everybody. Oh, look, oh, Helix! Helix? That's what it is. We didn't get that mattress We got a craft mat at God a mat at adjustable breath. But simply safe, buddy

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and in it's literally twenty minutes it goes by in like two seconds um... when i was a little boy and I used to watch sports, I used to think, boy, oh boy, I'd love to be a broadcaster. I thought it was the coolest thing because you got to go out of the games. You'd have a great seat and all of that. So it was definitely a childhood dream come true. So thank you to everybody over there.

Pennsylvania Hershey, I'll see you, Bridgeport, Connecticut, you're next and then I'll finish it up in New Jersey there. If anybody knows a good spot to get coffee in, because I'm not, I'm not gonna go get a cigar. I'm not fucking, I'm not gonna do that. So what else, what else do I have left? I have fucking drinking coffee. I hate these fucking bullshit goddamn machines here that they have in the hotel rooms. What the little shot. Oh like the multi-colored fucking shot here. Like what? They don't even tell you how to use the damn thing. Says coffee mate, the original, and then they got these colored ones. I don't even know what this is. The original what? Shake well. Oh, that's cream. And then these are the coffees. This different colored ones. Blue, gold and brown. So what are those? Are there some of those D calf? If I take them

out, do I automatically get charged? I can't even read this shit. What does it say? It says recycle. Recycling moire. Ooh, it's in French. And it says Tokyo. Lango, I don't even know what the, what is this fucking shit? I'm not doing this. Little packets of sugar, is that cocaine?

All right, I'm not doing this. Okay, I'm going to bed. Enjoy the music picked out by the wonderfully talented Andrew Thamelis, and then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday, what, the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday Morning Podcast, that's it, I'll see you. Yes. I'm so Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and 2015, and I am in Santa Rosa. Santa Rosa where they make

the wine. You're not a say California, Santa Rosa, and last night I performed. I don't even know, I can't remember the name of the venue. The Wells Fargo. Oh, the Wells Fargo wagon is a, well, I can't even look it up in my website because my fucking website, the second I do the gig, it's like, oh, fuck yourself, it's over. That information no longer exists. Wait a second, they look me up here. Let me look me up.

Oh, God, he's in his ego this week. Basically, I would give a fuck what the name of the thing was. The venue I played last night was the venue George Carlin did his last stand-up special in. Someone, I thought someone told me that this was the place where he did his last show. It was the Wells Fargo Center for the ads. This is the place where he did his recorded his last special and

His last performance was at the Orleans Casino in Las Vegas if you're a George Carlin not like me So last night I was, I was standing backstage and I don't man, it was really fucking cool. It was such an amazing venue. It had like the lower level and then I had like this, this small upper deck that just wrapped around, you know, all three sides that I was looking out at. It looked like I might a elite ballpark and the crowd was

I could tell when Bartnik went out there they were They were just a really smart crowd and heaven my best shows of the fucking tour So I really want to thank everyone that came out last night and You know it was a good time. I don't know who knows I fuck I don't stay on the up to like four in the morning with fucking Bartnik watching full metal jacket and drinking this wine because you know we're in wine countries so they're just giving us this fucking wine and we're drinking it and I have the worst goddamn hangover. I fucking I appreciate wine but

wine should only be drank with like a good meal. You know what I mean? Somehow women can drink it. I don't know how the fuck they do it. You know, around 4 4 30 when they really just can't deal with their fucking kids anymore. They just, you know, they pop in a DVD. You know, okay, go watch SpongeBob, takes over,

fucking Japan, whatever the fuck they're doing, right? SpongeBob versus Pokemony man come on kids You know this was just Sit out and then they just fucking did just start boozing Which I totally respect I don't know how the fuck they do with them. It's a brutal hangover So I'm like all right the buses and we're not leaving until 11 in the morning. You know, so I stayed up till like four in the morning,

and then back in my head, I said, well, I gotta do my podcast. It's like, ah, don't pick the, I'll do it on the bus, so I'll just fucking upload it. And it like, fucking 830 in the morning, the people staying in the room next to me, they got these two little kids, like real young, those fucking kids were up at the crack of dawn, and one of them was,

you know, there's a door between my hotel room and the other one, and one of them, with his little baby hand, was just slapping the door, you know, talking gibberish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just slap, slap, slap, but you can't get mad at a baby. You know what I mean?

I mean, I got some people to, you know, that doesn't usually end up well. I think babies are pretty much, they've yet to win in a fight with an adult, you know what I mean? They're like the 1977 fucking Tampa Bay Buckingeers that just went all one 14. You know, I don't know what it is with baby state. They really got to turn it around When they're fighting adults they got to somehow They got to change the culture You know in that nursery and somehow try to get out there and try and find a way to win You know cuz I'll say right now, you know if they keep doing what they're doing, you know, they're never going to be an adult.

You're like that, that I went into, I went into my goal, like, there. You either could cry. So, it's not fucking real. Just, the kids just fucking wake up and they, they don't even have to stretch. You know what I mean? Like, before I get out of bed, I swear to God, if I just lay down to watch TV for 20 minutes, if I get out of bed, I feel like I haven't walked in nine years. Like before I get out of bed, I literally have to take my fucking toes and poignant my knees and hold it there for like fucking, like a good 30 seconds. Then I get up, I'm fine. If I don't do that, if I just get up and start walking, I do that, you know, you take that one fine. If I don't do that if I just get up and start walking I do that

You know you take that one and a half steps and you do that little fucking quick little like somebody just kicked you in the side of the leg You go oh, you know and I have to stop put my hands Down on the mattress and then stretch out my fucking Whatever it is my killies Kids just get up and run man You know, I swear to God, is it illegal to get your baby drunk? You know, just so it'll sleep longer when it wakes up, it's just going to lay there like, ah, shit, you know.

Fuck it, let me just lay here, let me just lay here for another 20 minutes. You know, that's what I would do. If I had a baby, I would just get it hammered big time. Drink up. You know, I put it right in its formula. Is that illegal? You know, I know you're not allowed to drink publicly until you're 18, but if you're with your parent or a legal guardian, can't you get fucked up together? I'm seriously asking that. You know? What if it's wine? You know, you make it sophisticated,

like whatever, like, like if you have like one of those Gerber ones, if it's a lighter color, do you go with the white wine for the baby? And then if it's like one of those ones that has beets in it, you get them a red, or is that redundant? Is that vulgar? They have

that two colors on top of each other. I have no idea. I don't have no idea. I'm not sophisticated like you fucking wine drinkers. You know, somebody's got to be doing, I know, obviously I know that's fucking illegal, but somebody's out there's got to be doing it. You know, like Jesus Christ But somebody's out there's got to be doing it, you know like Jesus Christ It's like if you were a night owl and your kid just wakes up at six in the morning something has to give You know Didn't they used to do that when babies were teething? They pour little booze into their milk or something like that or they rub it right on their gums You know like the kids some fucking cop

Trying to determine whether it's cocaine or not. You know, they always do that in the fucking TV shows and the movies, whether like, they're like, what do you got there, Mike? And he goes, you know, he does a little tap, tap, tap, and he crits and he's like, yeah, this is the real deal you know Oh, he's crying poor thing Whenever your baby cry, I just stop fucking I'd always makes me laugh I always just think like you know what do I hear you? I want to do that too I wish I could still cry like that the way a baby does just over little things I think I wouldn't even be angry anymore

He should just get it out of you. You know, if I go to turn on my phone and I find out that I didn't recharge at the night before and it's completely dead, you know, rather than be like, fucking god damn fucking idiot Bill. What if I just went, oh my god, how much would your wife I'm just fucking crying it out. Oh my God, how much would your wife fucking freak out if you just started doing that? Now what should I do it for real? You know, just as a joke with me and just tell her that I fucking, I'm reading this new book on crying it out and just see how long it could sustain it. I don't think I could

cry once. You just be like, what the fuck are you doing? You know what I mean? And then I would just cry more. You know, a baby does when you yell at it. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just fucking make me laugh no matter what they're doing. Like you ever see those psychos like when you're on a fucking plane I Think I feel like I just keep going like what if this happened like did you ever have this happened like why am I talking? I got to do it again instead of saying like why am I talking as if I'm a seventh grade girl chewing gum You know why because I went to bed at like 4 30 in the morning

That's why so you can have to deal with it. Oh, Billy Taney bopper here this week. Whenever I'm on a fucking plane and a baby starts crying, whenever I see people like those people who get angry, like, oh, they put on their fucking bows. Noise canceling things. You know, I always feel like anybody who has the money to buy headphones, that all they do is just block out the sound of other people. It's just like, there's only, the only way you could do that is if you, you had like, blood money. Who's got the money for bows, fucking?

They're like $300. Not only do we just block out people talking. Actually sounds great. I had a fucking pair of those on right now. I don't know when you hear those kids crying. I don't know what it is. No idea. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is happy Father's Day everybody. Happy belated Father's day, you know, did you get your dad a man great so he knows that you care? You know Man great fucking hilarious. They just advertised once a year like your dad only wants steakhouse quality once a fucking once a year That's it, you know, I called up a

once a year. That's it. You know, I called up a bunch of my friends who were dads and I was just like, hey, you know, happy Father's Day. What are you doing today? And they'd be like, oh, you know, I'm working in the yard. Oh, you know, I'm fucking putting up a shelf or something. I'm like, like no what are you doing you know for your your sort of birthday here it's Father's Day and everyone of them just it was just one shitty thing after another it's like none of you guys are going out to like a teddy bar none of you are going to a ball game just out in the fucking yard I don't know what the, I don't get that. You know, Mother's Day, don't you take her out for a little eggs Benedict? You get her some flowers? I don't know, I feel bad for the dads out there.

What could you do? You know, even if there's a stake, I mean God knows you've got to go out and go make it, right? Unless you're Paul Verzi, Paul Verzi doesn't fuck with his grill. It's unreal. I went over his house one time. You know, we were having burgers, and he didn't even make them. He can't have that, man.

You can't have somebody else man in your fucking grill. I mean, what happens next, you know? Even if a man come over your house and he cooks on your grill and you're not cooking on it, I mean, within five minutes, he's going to be slowed down to with your wife. You can't have, I don't even care. I don't even care if you suck at it. I mean, it's not that hard. Get good at it, right? Just make a couple of burgers, some hot dogs.

Jesus Christ, Verzy. You know, it's funny. It's later on today, I'll be like, uh, dude, did you say I didn't cook them? I don't even fucking cook them. I'm like, no, you didn't. You didn't. Anyway, this is the Monday Morning Podcast. As we're working our way through June. Me and Bart Nick, Bart Nick is absolutely fucking destroying

in front of me, man. It's great. It's making me have better sets because dudes bringing the heat. He's bringing the fire. He's just one of my favorite comics. I'm going to leave it that the fucking guy just it's His act is just so blunt and even when he talks he just gets right to it and I can't even say half the shit he says because it's so fucking politically correct But he talked to me about I think that he's working someplace and some biker

Came in with all his biker buddies and in one of them peeled off and wanted to go into this room and Joe was like, yeah, you can't go in here and the guy's like, oh, I can't go in there and Joe just Joe has a way of like You know just having a look on his face where all the emotion goes away and it makes you fucking blood run cold So he's telling the story and he goes the biker goes, Oh, I can't go in there. And then Joe just makes that face and goes, No, you can't go in there. And he said him and the biker guy was staring at each other. And then the biker dude backed down. And he was just like, all I was thinking was, uh, you know, Hey, dude,

I can go back to Pittsburgh and make pizzas while you pussy biker friends are putting you in the ground. I left out a couple of words. I have, oh my god, he said that shit and I think I came in with a fuckery word. It was me and somebody else just fucking crying laughing And Joe sitting there still dead pan like what like he went into that mindset. I don't think I've ever thought I Don't remember a time Anybody threatened my life, but if they had that look on on their face that Joe had

There's no fucking way. I wouldn't I back down too. I'd be like, okay, see you later. Walking with my biker jacket over my forearm like a gentleman, you know. Jesus Christ people got tattoos in Northern California. My God. I saw this woman. She was so tatted up. It went all the way up her neck and then like, you know when they go beyond the neck But not quite their face What is that party of your face Between your neck and your chin. It's like the tante of face You know is that all I mean your chin is that thing right in the front right Jesus Christ built taking an anatomy class

I'll fuck you What is it? What is the underneath this that's I'll fuck you. What is that? What is the underneath this? Is that still part of the neck or is that part of the chin? What would you say when you put the gun right under this fucking chin? Yeah, I guess that's be a chin, right? I don't fucking know. Anyways, she was tatted right up to where if you had a cleft chin, it stopped there and

right along her face too. You know, like when someone has a really neatly trimmed beard, it literally looked like she was slowly drowning in tattoos. Like if you stared at her long enough, it was going to move up another inch and she was going to start panicking, worrying if she was still going to be able to breathe. You know what really is normal now is actually to have a tattoo on your face. It's not as shocking. The only time you used to see it was back in the day when you watched National Geographic.

And there's some tribe down in South America. They just draw all over each other's face. You know, worse than like prison tattoos. It looks like Morse code You know or like what are the you know those things you had before there was the internet he had crossword puzzles and mazes Get through the maze and you drew like a pencil on us so they just like to draw maze on that fucking face I Just saw a lot like chicks with just fucking giant Pieces I believe them, they call them all up and down their arms.

It's like everybody out here plays in good charlors or something, I don't understand it. They're great people. Good looking people too, good looking broads up here in Northern California. I got to get you this, I know I'm all over the place, I don't give a fuck, I got to get you this picture of this guy who had a tattoo of his baby's face put on the side of his face and like part of it like went and covered up part of his ear like where the and then it was also really dark. I didn't get it. I mean, it was a white baby.

It's like, why is this thing so dark? It was like, it looked like a baby that was like, like if it was me as a baby. But for some, I don't know, kids stuck his head in the fireplace. It's like just the worst, so where's fucking tattoo I've ever seen in my life. This guy's going to check it out out man. Check out my new ink. Man, let me look at this man

puts tattoo. I saw it on Facebook. I love I love Facebook man. That's when you know you're old when you like Facebook and other kids look look at Facebook so lame. Good. Get out of here. You fucking punk. Don't you around here. Anyways, you dumb stories. Snick and you lived life. You haven get out of here, you fucking punk. What you around here, anyways. You dumb stories, thinking you lived life. You haven't. All right, you fucking dope. I'm actually that old now when I look at people

in their 20s, like college age kids, and I just think, ah, what a bunch of fucking dope's? When they drink the way they behave, I used to think I was a maniac, dude, I'm fucking crazy. It's like, no, I wasn't. I was some nerd who couldn't handle the the freedom of not being around his parents anymore It's experiencing that for the first time. Oh, I'm gonna get drunk and jump off something so that chick over there thinks I'm I'm funny or crazy and then maybe she'll blow me like really bill that was your game plan

All right, man puts tattoo of baby's face On his face. Probably like 20 different pictures of some dummy doing this. There it is. There it is. Yeah, and he's holding this baby. He's got a white baby. And this, this baby looks like, I don't know, it's weird. It looks like the baby is coming out of a fireplace. know face maybe a little on fire what a fucking why would you do that where where could that guy get he couldn't even get a job in a fucking nursery like look look how much I love babies but not not in a sexual way you know Jesus I just yelled at and they have babies next door.

They can't hear me. Of course they can hear you build their kids aren't yelling that loud. You can hear them, right? You know, Jesus. Well, this would be my evidence, right? If they came in, why are you talking about, uh, I came in with the fuck I just said, oh, not in a sexual way.

Why are you talking about babies in a sexual way? I beg no I actually did a podcast officer here listen to it and then he takes my device and just erases it Some crooked cop All right, I know what the fuck I'm talking about here. Um All right, we're about 19 minutes in. I think it's time to listen to Bill Readout-Louth. What do you guys think, huh? What do you think? All right, my batteries died, so I had to go to the front desk and go get some more batteries. Battery level, HIGH! That's what the recorder says, because it has the English lady in there because it makes your device more classy. So this, uh, you know, lady butler that's in my recorder kept going battery level,

medium. So I'm thinking it's going to, you know, all right, well, I don't have to worry about anything until fucking Queen Elizabeth goes, battery level low. And then I was going to buy batteries. But this shit went from battery level haul to battery level medium To just shutting off, you know what I mean? That's like when somebody you know just gets divorced out of fucking nowhere You know, I thought they were getting along great not a nowhere. We just we decided to go our separate ways Did you? Well, that's good good for you good on you. you. All right. So when he was, let's

get to the, let's listen to me read out loud. Oh, here we go. We'll get to that one later. Um, all right. What else did I want to talk about this week? I, by the way, that fucking horrible tragedy that douchebag shooting up the, uh, the church, can somebody please explain to me? I don't understand this as a white person. Why are white people trying to act like that wasn't a racist act? I mean, did he have to have Amma racist tattooed across this fucking forehead? What else? What? What? I just hate when people fucking, they look at they their race like it's a team. You know what I mean? It's like me when I defend Tom Brady and you guys all go, oh, if it was on the other fucking way, you know, Andrew Luck did it. You'd be shitting on him, right? I'd like to think I wouldn't be, but people do that with like race.

So because like they're saying this racist white dude is racist then somehow they're saying you are racist They're not saying you're racist you fucking moron. He's a racist And white people stop fucking acting like you don't know racist white people You know that guy at the cookout who I don't get a couple beers in him and starts dropping the N word and then you gotta Hey, take it easy come on. I'm trying to have a good time here, right? That fucking guy, and then hopefully you don't ever invite him again. Why you acting like those fucking people don't exist? You know that that guy's a racist, that you fucking cook out,

and all he did was drop the n-word, while he was eating a cheeseburger. This fucking guy went into that church, specifically to kill black people, because he hated black people. I mean, what the fuck more do you need? There was like nine shows. If I had any hair left, I would have tore it out, watching him go, what the fuck more do you need? There was like nine shows If I had any hair left I would have tore it out watching them going what the fuck are you trying to defend?

Sorry, none of that was funny, but it was fucking true anyways Getting back to the podcast here. I saw this article on Jesus that I get rid of it. Where is it? There it is Oh, Jesus, did I get rid of it? Where is it? There it is. This fucking guy who's evidently the 970th member of guns and roses and I know even though I'm making fun of that fucking band, you know, I don't even make it fun of the band like the musicians think. It's just the fact that they're still calling a guns and roses, right? That would be like if you bought McDonald's and you fired that fucking clown and you're still going

yeah and you fired the grimace and the hamburger and you got ripped Mayor McChee's none of them with air anymore but like I don't know the fucking one of them one of the grimace stuck around no you know what Ronald McDonald did because Axel is a fucking redhead did because Axel is a fucking redhead. And you're still acting like it's this band to brothers. Whatever. So anyway, it's this article by the 9,000th guitarist and guitarist. The guy is DJ Ashba and it says DJ Ashba, Guns and Roses guitarist DJ Aspa claims his aunt and uncle invented technology for aerosol cans. Alright, Guns and Roses and 6am, Nikki Sixes band guitarist DJ Aspa was interviewed by Sweetwater editorial director Mitch Gallagher, his what he said, Aspa says who owns a company

centered around media and advertising that runs various other countries was asked what takes him in those directions he responds now basically they wrote exactly what he said so maybe fuck up the emotion of this thing but basically he said you know I don't know I've always had that creative bone my aunt and uncle invented the technology for aerosol cans so ever ever since I was young, they came out with a product when I was really young called Pam. That's like a buttery spray. And I've always kind of grew up in that environment. I thought outside the box and it really taught me that it's better to create your own job than to work 9 to 5. So that's what's always been my mindset. I just love

creating. Ashbur also talked about his belief that musicians should diversify and have a backup plan. He said, I absolutely will always stand by that. If you put all your eggs in one basket, all you got to do is drop them and they're going to break. And every one of them will break. But the whole thing, dot, dot, dot, and I've learned this from 6am, bandmate, Nikki Six. It's like you set up buckets. You set up buckets. Little incomes coming in there.

There, there, there, there. And as a whole, that's how you, you know, with this one, Jesus Christ, this is getting difficult. If three buckets are doing well this month, but the other ones are, you're going to be fine. So it's diversifying. But if you put all your eggs in one bucket and you have five months of, you know, things are going that well, that could spill all your eggs in one bucket and you have five months of you know things are going that well

That could spill all your eggs Right now what the fucking guy said in there. I'm telling you is the key To freedom and making your money work for yourself So I'm looking at the comments and everybody's just shit on them next thing You know he'll be telling us the invented whippets Everybody's just shitting on them. Next thing you know, he'll be telling us the invented whippets Somebody wrote so the fuck what I guess that's some new cool way of saying what the fuck and somebody wrote any invented huffing aerosol cans Uh, I would like to salute Auntie and Uncle Ashpa for making it possible for me to get high on the cheap during my turbulent and troublesome teen years

Uh Buy a real shirt. So as Ann and Uncle are responsible for the deaths of countless insects for screwing up the ozone layer and even worse for all the horrible hairstyles of the 80s, congrats. Someone writes this guy is the ultimate poser. It's... Everybody just shits all over him. Now, I don't think he really fuck him in, Eris. So I think he just invented Pam. I don't know what.

But in the middle of all that, he said some brilliant shit about how this guy's made it as a guitarist, right? But then he's starting these business on the side with the money that he's made. So if the next album doesn't do well, his business is doing well. And this is thing, and you know, I've found being a comedian, people always say that, hey, you know, if you have a fucking backup plan, you're not going to go 100% as a comedian. And I kind of bought into that, you know, you know, early on, but the reality is, is you can make all this money as a comedian, as a guitarist, is whatever you're doing, but then you can take that money and start other shit. You know, I got this stupid ass podcast. I got some money coming in from the fucking advertising. I do my stand up. I got money coming in from that. And now I'm looking at, okay, maybe I'll take this money

and go buy an apartment building and become a fucking slum lord. And then when I'm in like 70, if I own enough of those fucking things, I don't have to go on the road. Our people are just like, ah, we've fed old freckles, fuck, he's been talking about the same shit for 50 years.

Fuck him. And I go back down to playing in front of 30 people. I can still do it because I love it, but I won't become destitute. And this guy is like giving you this information for fucking free and everybody just shits all over him. I don't know. I found it really, really inspiring.

And a combination of that, and I also, I was reading this thing, I'm gonna fuck up the guy's name. I think his name is Nick off from it that guy from that show You know where every parks and wrecks the guy looks like an older Zach elephant accus, you know, he's funny. He's fucking hell. He does a lot of voice over cartoon shit Why don't you just look it up bill because you know you know what, I got my fucking hands full right now. I'm holding the recorder and I got my phone. But he had this great article. And I'm going to read this to you guys here.

It said, what is the best advice you ever received? And he said, I had this amazing teacher in college, my sensei in the Kabuki theater. And I thought that that was when the women, you know, fucking put on the makeup, right? And they gave you a hand job in the end. I have no fucking idea. Anyways, name, Shouzo Sato, I probably fucked up his name.

For me, he was between Mr. Miyagi and Obi-Wan Kenobi. He told me to always maintain the attitude of a student. No matter how old you are, wake up in the morning and think, okay, how am I going to better myself? Am I going to improve my French? Am I going to get my wife a good back rub? Then you can go to bed having tried something. It's led to a life that is more fruitful than if you have the mindset of being a master. Once you think you're the master, then you grow bitter waiting for someone to throw you a parade because you're so fucking smart. You didn't say fucking smart, but those two things right there, right there.

You know what I mean? I hope you got something out of that. I have no fucking idea. But that's the way you should go about it. If you play guitar, whatever the fuck you do, if you think that yeah, do it. I'm the shit. Then you stop growing. And then these young bucks run you down. I'm basically saying people that even though I can tell a shit joke at the level that I can, I never stopped trying to find a better way to tell that shit joke. What if I squatted down and really tried to take a shit on stage? I mean, those are the kinds of things. I'm making fun of it, but I really got inspired by both of those things.

So there you go. I can't always be sitting here on the podcast, screaming, can't I? All right, let's do some adding here. I did 19 minutes and 17. 19 and 17 is fucking 38 minutes. All right, again, another 22 here to go. All right, what the fuck was I, did I want to talk about here? Oh, so we went to Reno, the biggest little town in America, and that was one of the

rowdeous fucking crowds I performed in front of, in a long time, and it kind of surprised me because the last time I came to Reno, they weren't like that. But what happened was, is we pulled in to Reno, which I fucking love that city, right? We pulled in And we just see all these people in the street. They had closed off the street We had to try to figure out how to get the bus and run and they had this festival out there. It was Bruce Blues and BBQ They should have said BBQ's you know like you're getting more than one barbecue Just so it rhymes Bruce blues and BBQ's but it was blue Bruce blues and BBQ and, you know, like you're getting more than one barbecue, just so it rhymes, bruise blues and BBQs, but it was bruise, bruise blues and BBQ. And I swear to God, this

shit show that was walking around out in the sun, the tattooed fucking shit show of people walking around hammered, you know, parents who let their fucking in-laws watch the kids and they're down there, sunburned, booze, and eaten barbecue. Me and Barton and Camille were just like, oh, there's barbecue, we got a fucking go. And we go down there and people were fucking shit faced. Well on their way to getting shit faced. I saw some lady in the sun, right, sitting at this table with their head down, like, you know, you know, when you came in from outdoor recess and everybody was all amped up from the sugar and salt you'd put your body

stirring lunch and you came in and the teacher be like all right everybody put your heads down on the desk let's just take a little nap here let's fucking relax so you're not bouncing off the walls as I try to teach you some phonics here that's what she looked like and she was I mean it was like two in the afternoon so me and Bartonnik are going like, all right, let's get some barbecue. Took us forever to find out where it was. And then when we found it, it had this ridiculously long line

and Bartnik's looking at me going to do it. I don't wanna fucking stand in that line. And I was like, yeah, fuck that, let's not stand. But then it seemed to be moving, so we were like, fuck it. So we stood in the line and the barbecue was unbelievable. One of the best brisket I ever had. I was sitting there going, all right, I've been eating right, I've been doing cardio every day. Let's just pick one meat, all right? You get the ribs, the pull pork, or the fucking brisket. And you know, I was starving starving so you know how that goes you get up there

and your brain is telling you you know just get the pole pork or just get the ribs you know but the demon the sugar salt demon that's running through your veins goes get all three and who do you give into you give into the addiction so I go all right let me get all three and some coleslaw and one of those little fucking hell of pain, your cornbread things. So we fucking, you know, I'm in front of Bartonick. I get all my shit and I get eliminated and I see this table with this two people already sitting there, but there's an umbrella and some shade. And you know, I'm a redhead, so I'm one degree away from a fucking albino.

So I beeline towards that and I sit down. I said, hey, do you guys mind if we sit here and this guy's like, you know, I'm a redhead, so I'm one degree away from a fucking albino. So I beeline towards that and I sit down. I said, Hey, do you guys mind if we sit here and this guy's like, you know, the cost you fucking eight bucks. That's crazy fucking laugh. And he's missing number eight. Okay, you got two teeth down front, eight and nine going from right to left. He was missing number eight. No, I'm sorry. Number nine. He was facing me.

Sorry, this is my dental office days. And I didn't give a fuck. I was just, I rolled with dead jokes. You know, I was like, all right, man, I'll give a teen a check. He goes, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's only six bucks. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

fucking crazy laugh. Missing a tooth. And at that point, Bartonick sits down and he's got that I'm gonna murder a biker look on his face and he just looks at me and he goes And they're like trying to joke with him and he completely ignores him and he looks at me and he goes there's a tent over there And I go oh yeah, and because now it's all awkward because he's not Interacting with these people who are hammered telling the worst jokes ever and I'm pretending like they're funny. And Joe goes just a tent right over there and I just go, oh, you want to go sit over there instead? And he goes,

yeah, and he stands up. And I like a little kid just go, okay, guys, see you. And I walked over there. And I start laughing. I go, Jesus Christ. And he goes, and he just go, Bartonick, does this thing where he just sort of puts his hand up one of his hands up He goes, dude. I want to join my meal. Okay. I don't want to sit there talk to her that What did he call them? Matthew or something like that with this missing tooth. I just want to sit here and enjoy it And then we sat down at this other fucking table and it was actually great. We actually where we sat There was like a breeze and all this thing

and the fucking barbecue was delicious. And I looked across the parking lot and there was this little coffee shop, little tiny coffee shop. Look like there was enough room in there for someone to stand and have a coffee maker. This little coffee shop, you know, it was called, it was called pony espresso. And my wife loves word play. So immediately I took a picture of it and I called her up. You know, and I've been on the road for a little while. So she gets a little grumpy when I'm going that long. Which is funny because when I get home, then she gets grumpy when I'm home for five days. I'm a really annoying person, so I'm'm trying to tell you so I called her up and I told her that joke and she fucking lost it

I don't know why she loves wordplay But it's my one of my favorite things to do is when I see some dumb wordplay business sign I call her up And every once in a while something gets her and she likes horses and she thinks pony's a cute and she just thought it was the cutest name ever and she fucking laughs for like five minutes making me laugh as I'm sitting at devouring the barbecue it might have been the best moment of the tour so anyways you think having done stand-up for 23 fucking years I would have done the math and realized that this sunburn tattooed

missing tooth shit show that was already drinking four hours before my show was gonna start. Some of them, some of those animals, were gonna fucking come into the show. It never dawned on me and I went out on stage. It was one of those things as a comic. You come walking out on stage, and you just feel the vibe. Like, all right, why do I feel like I'm in a saloon in the 1800s? And I think I said one thing and somebody yelled from to the left. I don't know if that stage left a stage, right? I never know how to fuck that works. And just right out of the gate, it's like, Jesus Christ, I didn't even get a fucking word out. So I rift something about how they had this person had horrible parents and that's why this person

was behaving this way. And then that was basically the end of the show. I had engaged with them. So now it just became a totally interactive experience. It was actually a really fun show. I do a couple of jokes and then I just have to have a conversation with a drunk. There was actually a guy in the crowd who got kicked out and he wasn't with anybody else. He was by himself. Like he was, he was basically the best drinker of all of his friends is what I figured out because somebody just, I'm in the middle of my joke and somebody just yelled security, security and they immediately made a b-line over. And I see them grabbing this guy to, you know, escort him out.

And usually at that point, there's either at least one other person with him screaming that it was bullshit. And there wasn't. He walked out by himself and there was just one empty chair. And I think that's when I finally put it together. And I was like, oh, okay, now I get it. You guys are the guys that I saw drinking six hours ago out on the street and everybody laughed. It was one of those crowds that would laugh at the jokes,

but they would really laugh when I would snap and tell them how fucking drunk and how much they're not paying attention. Then they would really laugh. But hopefully it was still a good show. There was a few people that I was like, oh, I wish I could have saw him for a Vosobocrowd, so I kind of felt bad about some of that shit. But, I don't know, it reminded me of my days when I was working my way up as a comedian. And just watching somebody go on in front of you, having a deal with the crowd,

but they weren't like Bartonick, like a season vet, so they were able to handle it, like they were a new comic like I was, and you would watch some going up, just person after person, just bombing. And you'd be just thinking like, oh my God, oh my God. And you just try to come up with a game plan. What am I gonna do?

What joke am I gonna open with? What am I gonna say to that guy? That guy says anything to me. Like back then, I used to have to plan out shit that I was going to say rather than just go with the frustration of the moment in the moment. And when you go up there, if you bomb too, you just go home so fucking defeated and angry. But if you actually won if you actually turn the room around It was just the greatest fucking feeling like you felt like I Don't know you felt like you wouldn't you were on point of some platoon and somehow you didn't get fucking whacked

I don't know. I don't want to talk about here. So anyways this is like big- time wine country out here and we played bouncing back here old ADD Bill here. We played that theater last night and it was just some of the greatest fucking people back stage I've been with. Like our bus driver ran into somebody else that he knew back when he used to, I guess I didn't know our bus driver used to drive the Almond Brothers. And I should have known he did because he was fucking cool as shit.

And if you get a cool bus driver, those guys work all the time. We get some fucking weirdo, you know what I mean? They used to drive like, you know, I don't know, Millie Vanillia, some shit, right? So, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the other guy, I'm just sitting there and We're hanging out and they had this unbelievably gorgeous long dining room table And it was one of those modern rustic is what they call it was built from wood from an old ship and Then and then the legs were were made out of metal and

The table was just indestructible. What I loved about it is when you have a table like that, you can spill shit on it. You can literally use it as a cutting board if you wanted to. I should give you guys the name of that fucking place. I guess they're expensive as fucking hell. But I've been looking for a dining room table because we have this awful just round one. We got it from our neighbors and then we paid this guy to refinish it and My wife because she's so fucking creative had these Design carved into it. That was the same design of this panel thing that was at our wedding. She had Jesus Christ I just realized there's no way she's getting rid of that table. So well, I I guess I'm not buying a table from these fucking people, but if you guys would

like a really great fucking table, Kokas Diko is at COKASDIKO, I believe, and they're in Santa Rosa, California, and they make tables all different sizes. This was like what I loved about this table was it was big enough that entire an entire band Could come in you know, this is a lot of music acts that played at this venue could just come in everybody could sit down Grandity if they still got along And these people like they had this unbelievable spread and They had glasses of wine and cheese and all that just giving you the whole experience And they had glasses of wine and cheese and all that, just giving you the whole experience.

Because most of the times, you're traveling, you don't get to have the experience. Like I wanted to go to Bizarre Guitar and Gun Shop, and I just didn't have the time to get over there after I went over to get the barbecue. You know, you need a bunch of barbecue, your body just is just like, all right, shutting down now, dealing with what you just put,

you just put so much fucked up shit into your body. There's not enough energy left to keep you awake. So your body's just like, all right, powering down. You know, it's like when you put your laptop on sleep mode, like that's what your body does to you. Like, yeah, that's why, you know, black people call it the itis. I know what white people call it, you know, whatever the fuck it is, it's like, I learned that from Charlie Murphy. I told this story before I got to tell it again. Charlie Murphy and Donnell Rollins, we were on a tour called the Rich Bitch Tour. And that was from when Donnell was the guy that did that. I'm Rich Bitch that would scream at the end of the show.

So, you know, they used to always just sit there breaking balls, breaking balls, breaking balls, making fun of my clothes and all that type of shit. And it was the worst in the morning, because I'd be wake up, hung over whatever. And these guys were like a couple of kids. They just woke up like they weren't drinking with me the night before. I don't know if they'd take a multivitamist or what, right? So one day I was just fucking, I didn't want to deal with it. We had this long drive from Chicago all the way up to like mountain fern in, I don't even fucking, a mountain fern is in New York. I can't remember. Some way, like I was like a two-hour drive

and I knew that they were going to be loud and breaking my balls and I went extra hard. I didn't want to deal with it and I was standing out there. We had this fucking car service, right? This old ass limo. I remember that. Are there any new limos, by the way, that were always fucking old as shit. This old ass fucking, literally looked like the thing was from like the 80s. This old town car, right? And I'm standing there going, oh my god, I don't want to deal with these guys. They're going to be loud as shit. And I looked down the street and I saw a pop-ice. And I'm standing there going, oh my God, I don't want to deal with these guys. They're going to be loud as shit. And I looked down the street and I saw a Popeyes. And I was just like, fuck this.

Because they had taught me about theitis because Donnell was eating so bad. Donnell was literally buying hot dogs at like gas stations and he'd eat them. And within fucking five minutes, he would be asleep. Like his body would just power down dealing with the poison he just put in. I went down the street went in there and got this giant bucket of Popeyes chicken with fucking mashed potatoes and biscuits and they came walking up and I was like hey guys they got us some food and they were like oh all right man thanks thanks and they start eating it and I'm just sitting there nursing like one drumstick and they ate that shit and like within fucking 20 minutes they will both pass out and I just sat there with a fucking shitty grids and just rode in total silence up to fucking whatever the fuck we

were going so there you go if you're ever in a car and you got a loud friend or something like that, a legal way to drug them is you just get some really bad fast food because it's poison. It's just all trans fats. Well, I in my own selfish way, I poison two really good friends of mine. I temporarily poison them so I could just sit there, you know, and enjoy myself as I wrote up, you know what I mean? And is it slightly racist that I went and got a bucket of chicken for two African Americans in defense of me? It's the first one that I saw It was the first thing that I saw I don't fucking know anyways

Moving on what are we up to here? I don't fucking know. Anyways, moving on. What are we up to here? 32, 32 and 19, 51 minutes. Oh, we're closing in on it there. Oh, Jesus Christ. I am oh, Jesus Christ. I haven't even done the fucking letters for this week. I'm out of it. I'm out of it here. Where the hell did it go? Is this them? All right, let's let's let's listen to me read out loud one last time here. Oh my god You know what I almost forgot to talk about do you know I watched the end of the US open And watch that poor bastard Pudding for eagle

He's with Wayne Gretzky's daughter Wayne Gretzky is in the crowd a man who has his name on the cup four times a man who is a champion And you saw Gretzky had a big smile on his face like, yeah, buddy, here we go. You sink this fucker. You go top shelf with this thing. And it was a long putt. And the guy didn't eat it and sink it. So it's like, all right, whatever. And then he had a three foot putt.

And I had to leave. I had to run out to go do my show. And I shut off the TV. Assuming he was going to sink the three foot pot and then there was going to be a playoff that I could watch you know before my show. I guess it would have been today. They would have played like a whole another round of golf or some shit. I guess is how it works. So I shut the TV off. Thank God I did and as I'm going out I I was going out to the bus. My phone starts blowing up and people were some, Versi wrote, oh my God, that just made

me sick. And I thought at first they were talking about, they were talking about the, you know, him missing the, the, the eagle pot, right? Um, I get this message from a buddy of mine. He wrote, holy fucking shit. That's just awful. What does Gretzky say there? And I wrote back, did he miss the birdie putt too?

And he just wrote, yes, like 20 fucking S's. He just lost. And I wrote, yes, like 20 fucking S's. He just lost and I wrote, oh, no, he said, miss the three footer coming back up. Unreal, all time putting choke. It's shocking. Did you see? And I wrote, I'm so glad I missed the second miss. I ran out to the car to go over to the show. I assume he hit it and I'd watch the playoff. And then I wrote golf is fucking devastating.

And he wrote, playoff at US Open is 18 holes on Monday for you, people who are really into golf. Golf is absolutely emotionally fucking, emotionally fucking devastating. I still don't think it's a sport. It's the most devastating fucking activity. Like the first masters I ever sat down and watched Why Are To Why? I watched Kenny Perry fall apart on 17 and 18 and then go to the playoffs and fucking lose to that cool ass Argentinian dude. I just I can't get over how fucking devastating. What kills me is this, it's just a complete mind-fuck.

It's the biggest mind-fuck out there. I believe in that kid though, even though he missed those two things, I believe that kid's a stud. He's going to come back and I feel bad that everyone's going to say he's a big fucking shoker and all that. Like they've ever dealt with any sort of pressure like that. So whatever his fucking name is, I'm not into golf. I got empathy for you, I believe in you, you're gonna be back and it's only gonna make you

stronger. And just the fact that he could actually just not break down into tears right there on national television. He probably did later on that night, and there's nothing wrong with that. I would have just, when I missed it, I would have just let, not even like, through my club down, I would have just let go of it.

You know, that's even worse. That's when you're devastated, when you can't even make your muscles work anymore. You're so sad, you can't even, you can't even hold anything. You just let go. It'd be fucking hilarious. And you don't even finish your pot. You just fucking kick it with your foot. I don't give a fuck. He just. You have to be carried off like you remember when James Brown would do that

thing and they'd bring the fucking coat over to him. Like they have to do that. Except it's a little golf poncho and the golf umbrella and they're just bringing you in as somebody's patting you on the chest like come on Bill come on I would have done that so just the fact that he could he had to walk out in front of all those people with their heads high and you know they were all looking at him in some way a lot of them were loving it because they never made it to a US open. So, I don't know, just the fact that he was fucking in there. Percy actually wrote, that was so devastating. The guy who won didn't even enjoy it.

Oh my God, it was, it's one of the most brutal fucking things. You know, it was right up there with watching the Seahawks throw the ball and have it get intercepted. But at least then, like the devastation of that, it's spread across 40 men. You know what I mean? Who can be all devastated together? As opposed to golf, it's just you by yourself. There's no defense trying to pick the ball off or guess what you're doing, jumping around.

It's just you in three feet of grass. Another one of my buddies was shitting on the fucking what the golf course looked like. He goes, dude, that golf course looks like my backyard. I hated it at first, but after a while I kind of liked it. I thought it was kind of a badass course, man. It looked like they stopped in the middle of a war and decided to play 18 holes Because they had like the gallery. They were in like these look like these ruins these buildings are some shit that have been torn up. Anyway, let's get to the questions here for the week

Bill where are all the John Wayne's? This is from a lady Hello, Bill. I'm a big fan. I hope this gets to you. Me and my husband take the drive from Austin to Houston visiting his dad in the hospital quite often. Oh, man, that's sad. I hope he gets better. I don't know. Hope there's something in there that's better. I just made me sad. Anyways, the drive can feel long, but we cut it in half with your podcast. Oh, there we go. We get good laughs and we don't have to talk to each other. I'm writing to get your opinion. I may be wrong, but I'm open to hear what you think. I wanted to have a pedicure on my birthday.

I dragged my husband with me. It is the best place to get a foot and calf massage. He's never had a pedicure, so I wanted for him to experience it with me. He was not a fan. He didn't feel like his feet were being touched by another what? He didn't like his feet being touched by another man. Oh, God. Another man giving you a calf massage. Oh, Jesus Christ. When is this month going to end? My God, the uncomfortableness of this month.

Jesus Christ, he thinks women try to emasculate men by having them get waxed, spray tan, and have pedicures. He's always referencing men in Hollywood by saying, where are all the John Wayne's? I wasn't trying to emasculate him, but to give him a new experience and hope that he would enjoy a little relaxation. He wasn't into it. Tell me if you get pedicures and if you enjoy them, you're great. Go fuck yourself. No, I don't get pedicures. This is the thing. Men are not allowed to enjoy any sensual experience unless it's with the female. Like women can just sit there and let another woman touch their feet and

massage their calves and be like, oh my God, that feels so good. Thank you, Stacey. You know, we're not allowed to do something. The thing about it is, guys were like When I picture guys Remember those old square TVs that you had that's like what a guy is physically, we're just like these blocks you know and With just like would not like that. I'm getting grossed out This is just gross and maybe I'm fucking immature. But no, you know, something. I think I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. This is what we need. Because she'll fucking soften what I'm going to say here. What the fuck are you doing to your man here? Don't

you want that guy? You see fucking red the second anybody and intruder comes in, you're killing that off of him. He's just going to grab some fucking lamp and start smashing it over somebody's fucking head if they come into your house. If he's getting a calf massage and getting his toes fucking painted, what are you doing to him? You're rehabbing a pit bull here for no fucking reason. He's fine the way he is Oh my god

Now you know something I think I at one time I did get a pedicure I get when I was on the fucking rich bitch tour. You know something black dudes We'll get manicures They'll get manicures. I think it was a manicure. Did I mean? I know I got a pedicure one time. I think I was with Nia. I think I blocked it up. Yeah, I think we were in New York. I got a pedicure. And then the lady was rubbing my calves and all it did was make me want to get a fucking, you know, a happy ending. It was just like, yeah, keep going, keep going, skip the thighs, get to the finish line. I don't know. I don't even remember the experience. I just remember I did it because she

asked me to do it, and I did it. And I remember laughing, I remember being really immature. And when I dipped my feet into the fucking water, it just was making me laugh. I was laughing. I remember being really immature and when I dipped my feet into the fucking water It just was making me laugh. I was like I almost lost control of myself because it was just something that was so fucking foreign to me And I was sitting and then the more I laughed the more near was laughing and she just kept laughing going what? It's nice. It's nice. And I just kept laughing going, what are you doing to me? And then afterwards, I don't know, but I will say afterwards, my toes, nails, were as clean as they've ever fucking been. But you know, I'll, you know, I'll just get one of those fucking 50 cent scrub brushes.

I'll just say, can you leave them alone? You know what I mean? You can, I understand you're trying to like give them a nice experience, but like that can go a little too far. And next thing you know, you're wondering what happened to the man you married. Or maybe a nut, maybe you're more involved, I don't know, maybe women are more involved. I don't fucking know. Don't ask me those questions. I feel gross right now. All right, please explain this to me. Caitlin Jenner is receiving an award at the SB's for her courage, which is apparently the greatest thing ever. What they don't tell you is the person who won't be receiving the award now is Lauren Hild. The girl who is diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer.

But Lauren Hildes, the singer, she played her first game, oh, this has the same name. She played her first game for her college basketball game after her diagnosis. I saw this, I saw this fucking story. And for months to come, she raised over a million dollars for cancer research. She

died a couple of months later. So please explain to me why a guy chopping his dick off is more courageous than standing up to cancer. You know, I'll tell you why because you know what, at the end of the day, it's show business. That's why. It's fucking show business. I know somebody that writes on that show and I know of something that happened that I can't say. And someone was in the truck flipping out that it was going on too long. And all they were thinking about was, you know, going like, this is the worst fucking moment in my life because this person up there, I'm not even going to say what it was,

but it's just, it's fucking show business. That's why. So they're probably going like, oh, do we want to bring the room down? Or maybe like well, they always have something about somebody dying on that show The touching moment, you know what I mean? But then they think and oh Caitlin Jenner is really hot right now Has the high Q rating or something like that that'll give us more um I don't know what why why, I don't understand what that award is. I can see if Caitlin just went out and won another decafalon.

Like they kind of given, basically they given it to Bruce Jenner in a way, the way they gave fucking Martin Scorsese the Oscar for the departed because they fucked up on raging bull. They didn't give it to him for fucking goodfellas. They owed it to him. So I think they owed Bruce Jenner a fucking espeak. They never gave it to him. It's like, fuck, we waited too long because now Bruce is Caitlin. Well, maybe we can give it to her and she can give it to him through a brain? I don't fucking know. I don't produce shows and by that last fucking horrific answer you can understand why. All right, the age

of technology, dear Billy bombsite. I'm an open micro in a semi-small city and don't really expect to get much attention in this place. Now that's a great place to start. Don't videotape yourself and get better. Well, videotape yourself, but don't upload it onto YouTube and get you get real good, then move to a better city with more exposure and then become a monster. Anyways, I recently found out that someone at an open mic was recording video of everyone set off. Fuck. And put all the captured content onto their social network page, including mine.

When I found out that my shitty, undeveloped, open-miking was on the internet, I was furious. As you should have been, and contacted the individual that posted it, they have since taken most of the content down, but I had a long argument about this situation with a different person. They argued in defense of this lady by saying, this is the world we live in now.

You were in a public place, and that gave her the right to record you. The worst that happens is that you say something stupid and get and you get publicity for it. Any publicity is good publicity. All right, you know what that person's going to be a fucking hack. He said my argument is basically that if she earns any money from my content, then I have a right to be pissed off. I also feel very uneasy thinking about the possibility of saying something stupid, about

a current event and getting flack on Twitter just because I thought it was funny and no one else did. Yeah, and you're also brand new to comedy and you should be allowed to make mistakes. With the recent popularity of the app, Parascope, and hearing you bitch a little bit about it, I would like to hear your opinion on this argument. Thanks and go shag yourself. PS, you still left fans in Nebraska. Yeah, no, I'm 100% agreement with you.

You should be allowed to develop as an open micro, but you can't get mad at the lady like, they don't understand that what they're doing could be detrimental. And it is the world that we live in because people do do that, but you're you you are right. Um, and I don't understand why everybody feels like they have to videotape every fucking moment of their lives now.

It's all like it's almost like they're campaigning for this office of, hey, I have the coolest life. Like always taking a selfie. Like, you know, this is me an old faithful, you know It's so what I'm supposed to look at like wow this guy fucking goes everywhere You know what I mean? I don't I don't understand it. I mean, I guess I do that. Don't I do that? I took a picture of me and what wasn't a selfie but me and Bartnik when we were in Reno with that iconic sign. I don't know but I wish people wouldn't do it at live events especially when there's jokes because the

new jokes become old jokes but I think that's going to end because they're now coming out with these businesses popping up for entertainers where they're gonna block people's cell phones during the performance which is Just pretty awesome. I think if it's like up to the artist although I'm also guilty because I watch all this shit that people videotape the Stevie Ray Vaughan and that type of thing And then you get to enjoy the performance, but you know I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say that you're not at your Stevie Ray Vaughan level of being a stand-up yet and be nice if you could be allowed to develop. People have recorded my shows and whenever I reach out to them on YouTube,

they always take them down. I never get mad at them. I understand that they're not in the business and they don't get what they're doing actually hurts me on some level. So just deal with it, whatever, fuck that dude who's, hey, this is the world we live in. You know, those people who don't get mad that the government can record all your phone conversations and just say, well, hey, you know, if you're not doing anything wrong, what's the problem? Those fucking people.

Anyways, I gotta wrap this up here because I gotta be on the bus in 10 minutes. Now, a roommate's lady wants to move in. Hey, Billy Bob, Ginger Tits, Jesus Christ. Enough with the red head jokes. And you guys, but with something new, it's getting fucking boring here. My roommate of five years has this new lady who is cool,

but off the bat seems kind of manipulative. He told me that she's getting kicked out of her place and she wants to move into our two bedroom apartment in New York City, which isn't that big, as you would know. For three months, she wants to move there our two bedroom apartment in New York City, which isn't that big as you would know. She wants to move there for three months. The rent would be split three ways. They are planning on moving in together after she stays for three months. Do I accept the cheaper rent or tell her to take a hike?

By the way, they've been dating for six months. You rule, go fuck yourself. Now, that manipulative cunt is going to end up convincing her boyfriend. You're going to be the guy who's going to leave because she's not going to leave. They're going to ask you to leave and you're like, fuck you, I'm not leaving. And then it's going to be two against one and your life's going to be miserable. Do not on any level allow her to move in. Say this is a two bedroom apartment.

This is for two people, not for three. It affects my quality of life. There's not enough money in the fucking universe for me to compromise my My quality of life. So no That's it. No And you stand by that and fuck him Okay, and fuck her

And then that's it and you won't have to deal with that situation and with any luck He'll fucking move out and you'll get another roommate and you won't have to deal with that situation. And with any luck, he'll fucking move out, and you'll get another roommate. And you won't be involved in that situation. Then you'll have more power because then you'll have been there longer than the other person. All right, that is one of the easiest questions ever. Do not, on any level, let her move in. Six months in, you codependent fucking pussy.

Go fuck yourself. Just keep giving up Time will never tell you Even when we're with the family But we'll face the same Time I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more Time I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more

I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more You know that you smile You know that you smile You know that you make it up Oh Oh You know that you're full of sadness

And I see you back You know that you make it up You know that you're full of sadness 수고하셨습니다