Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-23-16

Episode Date: June 23, 2016

Bill rambles about Moths, the Cavs and dying at 30.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you and your cubicle. Do you like that it's in the corner and you get some sun? I like it. It makes me feel like I'm outside. Do you know what I mean? Do you remember when you had recess and you just ran and you just had the wind was in your hair? That's what it feels like except I'm inside and my dreams have died. What's going on guys? My voice is fucked up and it's Wednesday night. I just got out of the writer's room episode eight motherfuckers doing the table read fucking Mars. What the

fuck do these fucking things come from? Jesus fucking Christ. He's fucking Mars. It's fucking house. Do you know the fucking other day? My goddamn, I get a fucking decent gate for the driveway for once. You know, you got to get the electrical one. You know, it's great about the electrical one is eventually it fucking breaks and you can't get your car out of there and you got to call a taxi when you're paying insurance on two fucking cars. Oh, they're right there. You just can't get to them. Isn't technology wonderful? It makes your life so much more simple. You know, you don't have to get out of a car anymore to open a gate. You don't burn those calories and then those calories just sit right on

your fucking heart, right? And then one day, one day, the gate doesn't open and you have a fucking aneurysm because you're so upset because it was supposed to make your life easier and it doesn't. I actually have a fucking theory. I don't have a theory. I have a fucking idea that just popped into my head. We should all die at like 30 of natural fucking causes. You know, we should just go back to living off the fucking land. Once just the whole plague just hits everybody, we should just, you know, go back to being fucking cave people and living like, you know, just living like 30 fucking years. You can't go that far back. It would be a good place to go back to. You know what I mean? Well, anybody in this era

would suck because then there'd be a bunch of shit. Be like, what, there's no iPads or polio vaccines, man. What the fuck? This sucks, right? You know, I don't know. It's not a theory. It was just a fucking idea. I mean, this is how Trump gives a speech, isn't it? Is he going down? Is that what's happening to this fucking guy? Just took everybody until this fucking moment now. I, for the life of me, I do not understand how this, this is my fucking Republican choice. I got this fucking dope or this, this fucking square headed goddamn criminal. What does Hillary Clinton have? Like what, 52 felonies pending? I think I saw her on the first 48 the other night.

And how they're just going to just blow past all of this. And then you got to have listened to all this fucking horseshit about, you know, how great it is for fucking women. Well, it's only fair after all the dishonest guys that have got an office. Why don't we get the most crooked, fucking broad we can find? You know, don't pick the honest one. Oh, Jesus, I'm in a grumpy fucking mood. There's so much shit that I want to say, but I can't say it. I just can't fucking say it. Because it would be a waste to say it right here. But I am buying my time, biting, or is it buying? Is it Joe Biden? How the fuck do you, I know I'm with how the express, that's one of those expressions. Every time I hear somebody say it in a bar,

it's like, did they say buying or I'm biting my time? Or is it just yet another thing that one of my relatives mispronounced and then I just started saying it that way? Like my fucking, one of my relatives could not say orange, used to say orange. You want an orange? So, you know, I fucking go to school. What color is that? I'm like orange. And people are looking at me like, what did you say? Orange. And they're going, it's orange. So, all right, you know, I didn't know. People around when I live say orange. The fuck was I talking about? Biting my time? Is that a word? Is that something? Biting my time? Well, that's a Pink Floyd song. Biting time. Biting my time. Can you believe there's something on Wikipedia about that? Well, there's

people like you in the world, Bill, so there needs to be. Biting my time was an unreleased recording. Isn't it an expression? What you guys are hearing right now is how I use the fucking computer. I just ask it. I talk to it like you can hear. Well, it can hear me because he fucking, I'll say shit to my wife and all of a sudden, you know, I'll be like, you know, the fuck is your problem? Well, you know, you treat me like a douchebag, right? And then all of a sudden I go to my computer and on the side, there's all these advertising for douchebags. And I never looked it up. Binding my time instead of biting my time, the bide in the binding one's time is a verb that according to the American Heritage Dictionary means to await or wait for.

People who are into language to that level, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, somebody fucking sat down and looked that up. It's Wikipedia. Why wouldn't you just make it up? This podcast, by the way, is brought to you by Coors Light. It's cold-large, cold-filtered, and cold-packaged. And you know what? When I'm pitching shit jokes all day long in a fucking writer's room, I like to come home, do a podcast, and drink one can of fucking Coors Light. You know why? Because it's fucking delicious. It's perfect. I don't want to get hammered. It sort of tastes like water, but I have a nice happy feeling afterwards. This is me not drinking, is every two days I have one beer. Nobody in England or Europe in general would consider this a fucking beer.

By the way, Belgium is back on the fucking map. They're back on the map. We were trying to go to Germany and Austria, but they offered me like $30 and 50, or maybe it was euros. I can't remember what, so I don't know what the fuck I got going on over there. I got to start trashing their sports team so they know who the fuck I am, and maybe they'll watch a few videos, and I can maybe, I don't know, play with another version of what's funny bone. Yeah, go to the funny bone. All right, let's get back to the fucking podcast. What happened today in the world? I have no fucking idea. I sat in a fucking writer's room. Oh, goddamn day. Let's see, Google news. Google news. All right, in the US, a comprehensive up-to-date coverage aggregated.

All right, sit and spin, sit in Spurs late night clash. Oh, this is about the gun shit. The daily trail, Asian stocks wobble ahead of somebody cares about that. Somebody has so much fucking money that that's going to give the fuck what's going on with their stocks. You know, once we became this giant financial fucking gang bang, it's just over. Alligator that snatched two-year-old boy at Disney World has been killed. How the fuck did they find it? It didn't eat them. There was no evidence of the kid in him, right? Somebody rat him out? Some other fucking alligator. All right, man, it wasn't me. I, you know, somebody was talking. The fucking alligator probably snatched the kid was like, Jesus Christ, it's a fucking kid.

Thought it was a turtle. I don't want to get fucking sued. I mean, they're going to kill me. All the animals, they got to know it at this point that if you fucking, if you even fuck with a human being, we come down and we track you down, you know, we've done it to alligators, we've done it to sharks, we've done it to gorillas, that fucking alligator, the second he fucking saw a shirt was just like, that's not a turtle, right? Spit the kid out and then fucking took off and it still wasn't enough. We come back around like bedbug Eddie and fucking fucking Pope of Greenwich Village, two alligators, not three, Bonnie, some Irish fucking alligator. I don't know them shit.

Coast Guard crews find body and search for missing father, three teens. Oh my god, people are out of their fucking minds. People go out on boats. You know what I mean? Stay on a lake. A lake is, is, is brutal enough just because a creepy thing, a lake is usually so fucking cold it never gives up your body. You just stay down there. You know, it doesn't get warm enough for the gases in your gut to fucking make you be a fucking floater. You know that? I learned that reading that book, the Westies, that when they used to make people do the Houdini as they say, you know, they'd kill people and then they would chop them up. Their big fucking thing was that you had to, you had to, you had to gut them, you know, because if you didn't, you know, whatever

happens, whatever happens when you die, you know, there's probiotics for the good bacteria in your gut, then there's a bad bacteria. That bad bacteria that exists in your gut, your whole fucking life sits there waiting for you to die. And when you die, it activates. And that's what fucking makes you decompose according to the person two stools down from me at a diner one time, right? Or maybe I saw it on the fucking internet. I have no fucking idea. On my way to a slap fight or some shit, whatever the fuck I was going to watch. By the way, on Twitter, I got another good one. Okay, world star hip hop, you got to follow those guys. And then there's 30 second fights. Fucking unbelievable. Watch the guy back a car over a woman today. She was fucking up his car,

right? You know, you know, women, when women fl- you know, flip out, whatever the fuck you did, cheated on them or whatever, they fuck up your property because they're not going to get arrested for it because they have a fucking clamp, right? So this fucking, she's throwing shit at the guy and the guy's trying to drive away and she throws like three or four fucking things at him. I don't know what it was. And finally she throws this last fucking thing at the guy and the guy just stops and starts backing up towards her. And I'm thinking he's, he's just going to scare her. He's going to bump her. You know what I mean? Give her the old fucking, you know, you know, you know, those bumpers, you know, most of them are made out of fucking flexible plastic. Figure worst case scenario,

she's going to get a Joe Thysman. This fucking guy bumped her and then just stomped on the gas and fucking backed all the way over and continued to go and then fucking, and he was, what kills me? I was just, I was like, oh my God, I thought she was dead. Dude, she got up. It was like a cartoon. Like I thought that shit only happened in a cartoon. I would think once you go underneath a fucking car that was going as fast as this fucking guy. I mean, you just got to think, man, the rear axle, you got the differential right there. She's getting the right day of Fred with the fucking differential. Forget about the tires, how the car is hot, all of that shit, how it didn't drag her down the fucking street. It's one of the most brutal things I've ever seen.

Having said that, they're not all like that. There's a lot of good fights on there. I feel like watching fights like I do. I enjoy watching, you know, I like violence. I like watching it. I don't know why I like watching animals attack each other. I like people fighting each other. It's enjoyable to me, but I also like, you know, I like playing horseshoes. I like that, what do we call that shit? I made a reference to it. My last special, where they slide on the ice with that giant, like obese hockey puck that has a handle on it. Curling, I like that too. I can watch that white dude with the Afro do the paintings on Netflix. You know, I'm going to put a happy tree right over there. Is that what you're going to do?

Yeah, go ahead and do that shit. I can watch the 700 club. I can do a lot of shit, but at the end of the day, I still enjoy the violence. All right, Las Vegas awarded an NHL franchise. Oh fuck. Jesus Christ. What are they thinking? What are they trying to become the NBA? That, yeah, I'll tell you right now, if you think the fucking NBA is fixed now, way to the Vegas gets a fucking team. Kevin Durant signing with Golden State Warriors. Warriors would be mutually beneficial. To who? Warrior fans? Stephen Tyler says the Aerosmith train won't keep a rolling after next tour is the end near. Jesus Christ. Everyone is more intense. Mux calls Tesla's solar city deal no brainer. Investors disagree. Dude, how is this Tesla guy, man? This guy is just,

he's fucking with, he's fucking with some old money. So the guy who makes the Tesla car, by the way, you guys like Jaguars? I like their entry level one. The fucking, you get the top of the line sports model one. You get it in that fucking British racing green. I just wish you could get it in a stick. Every cunt out here has got a fucking, it's basically their three series, you know, which is really, you know, if you give a fuck should be the highest series that you buy because some douche is going to come in and side swipe you. If you're lucky, maybe they leave a note. All right, let's see what this guy's doing. Ellen Musk inhabits a world of declarative superlatives. Well, whatever world that is, I don't know what any of those words mean, declarative superlatives?

He lives in that world? Well, no wonder he figured out how to make an electric car go that fucking fast. He lives in a world of declarative superlatives. Jesus Christ, there's a whole other fucking group of people I've never met. How many are in there? Shit and all over the place and fucking walking into guerrilla enclosures. On a conference call with investors early Wednesday, Tesla CEO called his company's $2.8 billion offer for a solar city and no brainer that is legally and morally correct, a zero doubt move that we should have done sooner. I agree with all of this. I don't know how much it should cost though. What's more, Musk trumpeted that the deal could help propel Tesla toward the world's first trillion dollar

company as the solution to the earth's climate change problem. Jesus, did Trump write this? Analysis aren't so sure. Well, who are the fucking analysis getting paid by the big oil companies? At a steep drop in Tesla stock down 10% in Wednesday's trading, whacking 3 billion off its lofty $32 billion market cap confirms investor skepticism. Oh, fuck you. You just don't want to see him do it. Why can't the government give him some money the way they did the banks? Fucking solar city, man. You make weed legal, right? You grow it under solar panels every morning. Everybody, you know, there's like a continental breakfast, right? You get eggs from chickens that still have their beaks and they're not on roids like

Mack Maguire, right? They got that little fucking waffle flippy thing. You pour it in and then you turn it over, you know? Somebody sent me something today. We're actually some scientist, which I'm sure he's underground and he has no corporate money behind him, described humanity the way every great comic I've ever seen has started with fucking Bill Hicks that basically said that human beings are a plague. I remember one time reading a Joe Rogan blog and he was fucking said he was flying over the U.S. and he was looking down and just seeing how beautiful the country was and he was just looking at all the cities though as you went through and how dirty and filthy they were. He said we're like a fungus. You know what I mean? And if you could interview fungus or whatever

virus out there that could kill us, if you could talk to them, you know they don't think they're bad people, you know? They don't have that perspective because they're just hanging around with other viruses or people of the same virus, you know what I mean? Like if you could interview a chicken and ask it what it thinks the human beings, I mean, you wouldn't want to see. Remember the last episode of Seinfeld when everybody came back and talked about what selfish pieces of shit? Elaine, Jerry, Diane, whatever the fuck, any Kramer? What was the other guy's name? Eddie? Anyways, they were talking about pieces of shit they were. You have chickens, dolphins, anybody. Poisonous snakes, tigers, all of them. They could just sit down and talk about us. Yeah,

they wouldn't like us. You know what I mean? And then you know what? They'd go back to all the Koran, they'd go out to the fucking Bible, the Torah, all our religious books and just be like, yeah, they read this thing and then they think it's okay to fucking do a bunch of shit to us because some fat guy named Buddha said it was okay, you know? What do you guys think like the right population number should be, you know? And how would you get the number down? At this point, I mean, drastic fucking measures, you know? They got to put something in the fucking water to just sterilize people and just act like it was a mistake. Just have Monsanto do it. You can't fucking sue them. It's illegal, right? Or whatever the fuck it is, whatever Obama signed,

the great liberal fucking president that he was signed that fucking thing that said, you know, they didn't have to say that their food was genetically altered. Yeah, what a patriot, huh? All these fucking cunts, they're all the same. Go, go, go, go do your fucking speeches for 500 grand a whack. Go do that. Go give your kid a fucking zillion dollar wedding. You don't give a shit, right? Solar city. Yay or nay? What do you say? Yay or nay? What do you say? I say, go ahead and fucking do it. That's what you should do. You know what would be great about a solar city? Then we don't need the people's fucking oil in the Middle East. And then they gradually just go bankrupt. You know? There's no money flying around there. Then they don't have any money for a fucking

nuclear warhead. And then everybody just relaxes. They go back to doing their shit. We go back to doing our shit. The reality is, is in both parts of the world, most people are just minding their own fucking business. It's the cunts up at the top that hang out with Hillary at the Bilderberg meetings that they're the ones that just can't stand the fact that there's fucking people living somewhere and then not making any money off of them. Oh, Jesus. Who had a, who had a third of a cause light in his fucking saying things? He's not reading things, people. He's, oh, but he's saying things. Let's go over to sports. This is a typical fucking sports story now. Rape survivor finally faces Nebraska's Riley. Dude, what the, I'm trying to, I'm trying to get away from this shit. This

belongs on the fucking sports page. It looks like they have a rape section, do they? Is that right after the Metro region? All right. Where is the sports? John Jones says hatred for Daniel Cormier is fading. No date is set for Tiger Woods return. He's got to win another one. He's got to win one more. After four decade wait, manager grateful for a job. This is what it's like. This ranking NBA's worst number one draft picks since 1989. Of course they got Greg Odin there. But what they should just show is everybody put the Portland Trailblazers is drafted over the last 30 fucking years. Oh shit. Oh man, I think I'll stay on this website. I wasn't going to stay here, but all of a sudden when, skip Bayless gives emotional goodbye to first taken, Stephen A Smith.

Oh thank God he's leaving. What's he going to get into? He should go work with Joel Olsteen. He should open for him. The two-headed monster. Well everything that both of them say is equally not believable. All right the Philadelphia 76ers. They drafted a guy, Andrea Barngate. Well he's named, he's got a fucking woman's name. This is men's basketball. Pervis Ellison, Sacramento Kings. The forward lasted one season in Sacramento before he was dealt to Washington when they were still called the bullets where he logged two great years. That was about it. Oh you know if injuries. Injuries. Nah I don't give a fuck about injuries. It's when you're healthy and you still suck. Joe Smith. Is that a fucking alias? The funny thing about Smith is his career lasted a

long time. All right. I don't know what any of these people are. Michael Ola-Wan-Wan-Kadanki. Kwame Brown. Greg Odin. I like Greg. His heart, you know, he was an old soul. He looked like Bill Russell does now except he used Grecian formula and he came into the league. He didn't, he wanted to earn his fucking money. Anthony Bennett. Number one, the Cleveland Cavaliers. This would be something. You know what's great? Cavalier fans and now you can fucking laugh about it, right? Did I talk about you guys yet? No because I talked to before the fucking game. Congratulations. I cannot fucking believe how happy I was when the Cavaliers won. We were working in Baltimore, Baltimore and I watched the first quarter. Then I went on stage

when I got off. Thank God it was the NBA. There was still like fucking three quarters left now. There was like five minutes left, 10 minutes left. I can't fucking remember. I watched most of the fourth quarter, right? Which would be like 10 minutes. And I can't remember what the fucking happened. That guy hit the three. Joe Barry Carroll hit that fucking three. And I literally was watching, watching, watching, thinking, you know, I knew I wanted Cleveland but when he fucking hit that thing, dude, I just stood up just so I remember. I was almost like one of the Bruins won the Stanley Cup and all of a sudden there was just like five minutes left and they were controlling the play and you just could feel it. I just stood up and I yelled, they're going to do

it. They're going to do it. And first he's going, don't jinx him. I'm like, I don't fucking have any control over this shit. And then when the guy who punches everybody in the balls, who you can't stand, but you would love if he was on your team, he fought when he fouled LeBron. I thought LeBron landed on his wrist. I thought he broke his shooting hand. I was like, oh my God, they're down by, they're up by three. He's going to miss them both. He's going to be out of the fucking game. And then the honor, honor roll students going to come down, hit a fucking three, do one of those little skippy fucking dances, you know, that makes you want to give him a leg sweep, right? They're going to tie it up, go in the overtime,

they're going to fucking, and they're going to lose it. And he misses the first one and I knew he was going to hit the next one. He seemed about right now, he's going to fucking hit it. Bam, he hits it. That was great. I got to tell you a little bit too much crying for me though. I didn't mind LeBron crying, but I don't know what the fucking, that guy in that suit on your bench. I didn't see much of them, you know, because you know LeBron coach is the fucking team. What's his name? Lou? I mean, that guy, that guy was like balling. I can understand LeBron. It was just a lot of crying. I was trying to picture Pat, like the Lakers winning it, Magic Johnson crying like that, and then fucking LeBron, not LeBron, fucking Pat Riley also crying

like that, bent over and like his hair comes down, you know, because the moose isn't holding it anymore. You know what? It's a different time. This is what happens when you put Dr. Phil on for fucking 20 years. You know, you just keep backing guys into the camp. Open up, open up, open up. Well ladies, there you go. Is that what you wanted to see? What's your people falling to their knees? You know, started it. Chris Bosch started it. I actually respected the fact that he did it. You know, he just got it. I lost the fucking championship. He was sad. He just fucking cried. Let me read a little bit of advertising here. Just a little bit. Oh, Club W. Club W, I bet on the Warriors. Club W delivers wine straight to your door. We send you wine that is personalized to your

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When you're not reading about a rape case, you know, when you want to watch a game, you know, when you're not reminded that people are dying of cancer or, you know, whatever, fucking other, other miserable motherfucking thing, they just got to bring up with sports all the goddamn time now. You know what it is? Everybody's watching sports now. Nobody's watching the news, so now they got to try to jam all the news. They got to jam the news, a fucking telethon, you know, just any fucking goddamn thing going on. You know, there's an outbreak of the mumps and next thing you know, they're going to parade a bunch of kids out with swollen faces. How about a moment of silence? You know, everybody puff out their cheeks in silence.

I watch sports to get away from that shit. Okay. I fucking hate people. They're a bunch of, I know I hate groups. I don't mind individuals. Okay. With an individual, I can see the fucking light, but I don't need to be reminded. Okay. I'm trying to get away from that fucking shit. And I don't know where to go. If you're going to take sports from me, I don't know what to tell you, but you know what? That's a topic for another fucking podcast. All right. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Good luck to you and all of your future fucking decision making. And that's it. That's gonna be a little bit of music here. And then you'll enjoy, hopefully you'll enjoy some throwback fucking clips from a podcast from another time in a simpler place.

Down. Phantom kisses buzzing like insects. Beads of sweat dripping down on the rent check. My candy land melted down to syrup while I watched the water roll down. Hey, what's going on still for? It's the Monday morning podcast. And before I get started with the podcast, I want to thank all of you who watched me last night on the, the hell was it? The guy's choice awards on spike. I don't know what happened. I did six minutes to stand up. Evidently they cut it down to two minutes. Maybe it's because I'm dangerous. I don't know what, but I probably should have told people to T-vo it. I don't know.

I guess some people might have been, I don't know. I didn't say I was hosting it. You know what I mean? Some people are upset by how, you know, like, dude, what the fuck, you know, said you fucking an hour and a half and you only want for fucking two minutes. Well, guess what? I didn't direct it. All right. I don't edit it. If I did, it would have been two hours of me. It would have been, it would have been the Bill Burr. Tyler Perry presents Bill Burr's fucking guy's choice awards. And it would have been two hours of me. You know, actually, you know what? I do a little bit of stand up. This time I do it. A little bit of stand up. I get a standing ovation. And then Oprah would suddenly appear on like this motorized couch, like a sofa. And she

just sort of be brought to the front of the stage. And as I was putting the mic in the mic stand, so it would just be seamless. Like, we wouldn't even have commercials. And then I would sit down and she would just start interviewing me with like some sort of, you know, turtleneck sweater on, you know, and, you know, just ask me how I, how, how is it that I became so amazing, you know? So picture that. Now, what do you think would be worse? What the fuck you saw last night? That horrific image I just brought up. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. I do one of these every week. And that's a truck driving by. If you can hear that, Jesus Christ. I do one of these every week. I bullshit the 25

minutes or so. And I answer questions that people might have. And a lot of times I ask questions. And then people give me answers like last week. I didn't know the difference between effect and affect. And somebody sent me fucking two paragraphs, which was annoying. You know, I want a definition. Okay, in my world, a definition is one sentence. It's a number, you know, and then they write the fucking definition. And then maybe there's a number two and a number three, but I never fucking read those. So I'll try to abbreviate these. The word affect with an A as an asshole is primarily used as a verb in English. Oh, okay, good, because I want to make sure I don't fuck it up when I'm speaking Latin later on today. Anyways, it has two main meanings, which are

closely related. Affect may mean to alter the feelings of or to change the mental state of someone or something. They also mean in a birth sense to change or affect someone or something in any way. See, I still don't know what that means. This is why I'm a comedian, because I, you know, I sucked in school. It may also mean in a broader sense to change or affect someone or something in any way. That doesn't even mean anything. The word if fuck it, let's move on to effect. Maybe if I know what effect is, I know the definition of that thing, that when the word doesn't fit into definition of that, I don't know what's fucking affect. Effect and contrast. When contrast is used primarily as a noun in English. It has a number

of related meanings. And you know what? I just realized I don't give a shit. And right there, people, you realize why I got an A10 combined on my SATs. I don't know what part of the country you're from, but in my neck of the woods, a 1600 was a perfect score. And I believe you got a good 300 points just for signing your fucking name. And I got an A10 combined. And I'd love to sit there and tell you that I didn't try. And then I was like, man, it's all bullshit fucking government with these tests, man. I wasn't like that. I tried with all my might and all my concentration. I actually was doing like even ones that I didn't know the answer to, which evidently was more than 70% of the fucking test, I would try to do the process of elimination. And you know, you think

Jesus Christ, I could guess. It was, it was, it was devastating. It wasn't even devastating. None of it was devastating because of my great mindset that I had in high school, which was basically I don't give a fuck. That was, it's been my mindset for a long time and 40 years old and I'm paying the price for it. All right. Anyways, this is what's going on in my life this, this week. All right. This is really becoming a code, codependent thing here. I keep asking you guys to help. Remember the back of the day when you guys asked me questions and I answered them down fucking asking you questions. And I have actually haven't answered any goddamn questions in a couple of weeks. So why don't I go to that? That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to

the questions. Okay. Let's read a couple here. Then I'll get to my fucking questions for you guys. And this is going to be a blue collar question. All right. So if you're clicking away on a spreadsheet, you can just tune out in about 10 minutes. But anyways, here are the questions. Hey Bill, when you go to a baseball game, do you prefer a night game or a day game? Well, considering I'm fucking pasty, I definitely prefer the, I definitely prefer the night games. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I don't want to get a sunburn and then also getting shit faced during the day is really a depressing thing past a certain age. You know, you do it at night. It's no big deal. You know, you get shit faced at night, you come home and you pass out and you wake up and there's

about 10 seconds of what the fuck that I do that for before the phone rings and your day starts. And you don't really have time to contemplate what a fucking loser you are. But when you get shit faced during the day at a fucking baseball game, aside from the fact that, you know, the odds of you scaring children are increased by 80% when you go to a day game and get hammered. Um, yeah, then you fucking go home and it's like, uh, I don't know, you get home at like six and you're just drunk, you know, maybe you pass out for like till like eight and then you wake up and fucking the TV's on way too loud. Somebody's screaming about dancing with the stars, you know, then you can't fall asleep again till one in the morning. So then you order a fucking pizza

and it's just, it's just a vicious circle. You start thinking things like, man, what if I just ran headfirst into that bookcase? Maybe I could just knock myself out and I wouldn't have to sit here smelling like draft beer with a third degree burns on my forehead. Yeah, so there you go. I, uh, I prefer to go to the night games. What's the day games? They always have those fucking stupid giveaways. First 200 people, it's backpack day, you know, or bat day, you know, it's great. They even got rid of bat day because they thought it was too violent and what's so fucking, you know, this is what kills me was back in the day when they had that day, you went down there and you got a full slide, full size, full size, full size baseball bat, a goddamn Louisville slugger.

You got a full size fucking bats. It was ridiculous, you know, and all this talk about fucking global warming and, uh, you know, oil and all that crap, people trying to come up with solutions. It always blows my mind that they never talk about that day, how the amount of fucking trees that they had to chop down to give away like 5,000 bats at every game around, around the goddamn, goddamn league. How many fucking teams were in the league when I was a kid? Like 26, 26 times 5,000. Let's see, 25 times 10, it's fucking 125,000 plus, I don't know, another 30. Oh, it's like 150,000 fucking bats, you know, but don't listen to me. I got an 810 combined on my fucking SATs and I tried. Jesus Christ, I tried. I was, you know, and they usually say,

you know, when you give a hundred percent, you know, it's one of the great things about giving a hundred percent is that you can't, you can't feel bad. Who's ringing me? Oh Jesus Christ, this is my home phone. I'm going to have to blow this off. Do you know what? You know, you know, he's calling me right now and I'm going to blow it off. I bought a, I bought a set of, you know, those gymnastic rings. Do you guys watch, do you watch the gymnasium? You ever watch that shit? How many fucking times is my phone ringing before it goes to the goddamn machine? Evidently 26. You guys ever watch, this is my deal, man. I'm trying to, you know, turn 40 fucking trying to compensate. So I'm trying to find new ways to get in shape.

You know, I mean, how many times can you go down to the gym and start throwing the weights around like you're Lufa Rigna? You know, plus when you lift weights, you don't necessarily get in, you get in like 80s shape. I'm in the 80s, the girls were all like, you know, trying to dress like Olivia Newton-John, doing aerobics, you know, I don't know, dressing like strippers. And then all the guys, everybody, everybody, basically in the 80s, everybody had a huge upper body. And then they had pretzel rod legs, because nobody did, nobody did legs, nobody did squats. You know, everybody was, oh, fucking chest and back, fucking trice and bice. Oh, so, you know, I don't know, you lift weights, you just get all fucking,

you get all puffy. So I was just sitting there, I don't know, I was flipping through the channels, right? I'm not going to lie to you. Gymnastics came on and it always kind of blows my mind the level of strength that those guys have. And I was sitting on the floor and I was watching somebody, they went into, I think it's called the pike position. So I was like, shit, you know what, I do sit-ups, I bet I could try and do that. And I can't even explain to you, like, you ever try to do something and it's like, not only can you not, I mean, physically, not only can you not do it, your brain, it's like, you don't even have those muscles. So when you go to do it, you actually feel like you're paralyzed, because you're sending this

message to your muscle going, okay, do this. And it's not even like your muscles going like, you know, I tried, but we can't, you know, there's like no response. It's like yelling down a hole to some fucking five-year-old who fell down it in the middle of a white trash town in Arkansas. I don't know, let's get back on track. So I bought these, they're called elite rings. And you fucking, you tie them to your chin up bar. And, you know, basically you work your way up, one day you're doing an iron cross right in the middle of your living room as you're watching the fucking evening news. That's what I'm working towards. Okay, so I get these goddamn rings, I'm all excited, right? You think I had a kid or something, like this is how fucking excited

and self-centered I am that I get that excited about something material that I bought for myself, rather than bringing a new life into the world that I can, you know, try to nurture, whatever it is you do as a parent. And anyways, I got these things that for the life of me, I can't figure out how to fucking, how to set them up. They gave me this really bad videotape with these Russian guys on it. This is Vladimir Sorensor, he's the 19, the 2005 rings champion. Here he is doing an inverted fucking whatever, you know, but they never showed you how to put the goddamn rope through the fucking ring. So that's what that phone call is evidently going to be. Because I called him up early this morning,

the 1-800 number, and I was like, yes, I got the rings. Oh yes, they're fantastic, but your shitty little DVD slash snuff film doesn't explain how to put the fucking rope through the ring. You know, and the guy's like, okay, well, you know, I don't really have the rings in front of me, so I can't really tell you how to do it. And it's like, dude, it's said on the fucking invoice that if I had a problem, I could call this number. All right, they didn't say I'd be talking to you, you fucking moron. So basically, the guy doesn't even know how to do it. The fucking guy in the 1-800. You know, what else would I be calling him about? You know, Jesus Christ. I got the invoice that

means I got the rings. Now, what else would I be calling him for? Would I be calling him up to see if he could come over and spot me? Is that doing inverted headstand? So anyways, he's got to have the head of the company call me or some shit. I don't know. So I blew that off. I blew it off at you guys. You like that? Giving you a little bit of guilt. All right, so if anybody knows how to string up fucking gymnastic rings for the love of God, if you win the Cup Scouts or something, if you can somehow tell me how to do that so I actually don't fucking break my neck while doing this shit, it would be greatly appreciated. All right, let's move on to the next question. Oh, here's one. Anyway, Bill, I was wondering,

does your grandmother still drive? Yes, she does, Mike. You fucking cunt. That's an inside joke for people listening to the Opie and Anthony show. Okay, next podcast question. What will be the moment that makes you decide to stop doing these podcasts? I am one of the loyal 14 listeners, as you always say. I love hearing them blah, blah, blah. Hope you keep them coming every week. What will be the moment that makes me stop doing them? I don't know. I'm rubbing my forehead right now with my eyes closed trying to think of an answer. I don't know. I probably would have stopped doing them a while ago, but I have a need to be liked. And if I stopped doing them, it would only take one email from just one person going like, I can't believe you stopped doing

them. No, I really enjoyed them. I've been going through some difficult times lately. Last summer, I was trying to make some lemonade and when I went to put it into the picture, it shattered and the glass came up and it hit me in my eye. I haven't been able to work and I've been home every week to look forward to the Monday morning podcast. And as ridiculous as that fucking sounds, I actually get stories like that. So actually, I don't get stories like that. I get more serious ones, but they're not funny. So I decided to make up that one about the fucking picture of lemonade, which really wasn't that funny. But you know, you try. You throw it out there. What else we got here? I thought I had more fucking questions than that.

You know what it is? I fucking take these questions and I copy and paste them and they just somehow they never end up, I had three in a row. Facebook game, your grandmother. Oh, there's one. Okay. Hey, Bill, what did you take on this next election? Who do you think has a shot at the throne? And are you pissed how much hype it's getting? I don't know. That's how he ends it IDK. Yeah, I can't believe how much hype the who's going to be the next president of the United States is getting. What the fuck was that? Yeah, it's always annoying when things that don't deserve to be hyped like, you know, landing on the moon and the next presidential election are getting, you know, I wish they would

continue focusing on other things that are more important, like the next American Idol, who's left in the big brother house. And I don't know when the next episode of fucking mind of Mencia is out. I don't, you know, no, I'm not pissed at. I get me honest with you. I haven't even been watching it because I get so goddamn depressed that they never really talk about anything. And no matter what you ask them, you'll be like, you know, hey, what are you going to do about the troops in Iraq? And then we'll just be like, you know, the troops in Iraq is an issue that everybody's very concerned about. And it's something that definitely needs to be addressed. And when the time is right, we are going to sit down with some people who are very

knowledge knowledgeable in that field, and we are going to have an assessment. And after doing some sort of research, we will arrive at a conclusion that we will be presenting next question. And that's, it just becomes that. Who do you think has a shot at the throne? Well, I mean, I spend a lot of time in New York and LA. So obviously, I would think that Barak is going to win by a landslide. But when I go on the road, and I get to some of these other states like North Carolina and Georgia, you know, when you walk down the street for some reason, the music in your head, switches from Jack Johnson to just a good old boy, never meaning no harm. We told you we're solving a trouble with the laws and the data was born. You think John McCain's going to win?

Personally, I don't want a president who can't do the wave. Okay, that's all right. That's one of the most evil fucking things I have said. For those of you who don't realize John McCain can't lift his arms past his shoulders, because he was tortured in captivity while fighting for freedom for myself to do this podcast. At least that's the way they would frame it on Fox News, you know, rather than he was pissed at his dad, he was trying to outdo him, and he got the jet, and he could have bailed out or flew away, but he didn't. And you know what I'm saying? I mean, what the fuck? I would never guilt people about my podcast. I'm not doing this podcast for your freedom. Anyways, who do I think is going to win? I have no fucking idea.

I do like John McCain. I like John McCain because the fucking right-wing psychos don't like him, and I don't consider Bush and Dick Cheney to be Republicans. I consider them to be psychos who call themselves Republicans. I don't think Republicans are as bad as Bush and Cheney. I really don't. I think they were an oil guy, and a guy worked at General Electric at Halliburton. We let the nuts run the fucking asylum, and now we're paying for it. So either way, I don't think either guy's going to be, I don't know, I think we, I don't know, Obama. I don't even fucking know. I like Ron Paul, but I've done this before. I always vote for that fucking guy, and nobody else does. You know? You should see my voting record.

Let's see. You want to hear my voting record? A lot of people keep this shit private, but I don't because I don't give a fuck. All right, in 1988 was the first time I voted for president, and I voted for George Bush Sr. over Michael Dukakis, and it had nothing to do with him sticking his head out of that tank, squinting, looking like some sort of a muppet. I just voted that way because that's the way everyone else around me was voting, and I was fucking 20 years old. All right, 1992, I voted for Ross Perot, because, I don't know, he actually seemed to be fucking answering questions, you know? And the other two weren't. You know, Bill Clinton just kept smiling,

playing a saxophone, you know, trying to be the cool guy. His campaign fucking poster should have just sent him leaning against the wall with his thumbs in his pocket, looking down the hall with one foot on the floor and the other foot up against the wall. You know, that was his fucking butt, you know? He puts on weight like a bitch, too. I never liked his mother in hips. And then in 1996, Ross Perot came back. I wasn't feeling him, and Bob Dole seemed like that grumpy guy next door who calls the cops when you had a keg party. So I went with Bill Clinton, and in 2000, I didn't like Bush, and I didn't like Al Gore. I didn't like either one of them, so I went with fucking Ralph Nader.

And what the fuck does that lead us? Lead us to the last one. I didn't remember who I voted last time. I didn't vote for fucking John Kerry, and I didn't vote for John Kerry. You know what killed his campaign for me? Was when he, after he was questioning George Bush for, you know, during the Vietnam War, spending the war in the stock room at a CVS before going home later on that afternoon. So he was trying to, you know, hype up his military career. He got behind the podium and he went, Senator Kerry reporting for duty. And it was one of the corniest things I've ever seen, and he delivered the line just in a horrible way. You know, worse than Mark Wahlberg in the

happening. I don't know if anybody says anybody's seen that fucking movie. It's so bad. It almost comes back around to being good again, if movies weren't fucking $12 or whatever the fuck they are now. You know, I don't know. Just go. The moral of the movie that I got is, you know, and this is a spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. Can't even say it. Just fucking plug up your goddamn ears here. All right. I'm going to talk about it for 15 seconds and then you can turn the sound back up. All right. The moral of the happening was basically it doesn't make a difference. If you're a scientist or if you're some dumb jock, nobody knows what the fuck is going on, but we better love each one, each other. Better love each other or else the tree, because if we

don't, the fucking trees will kill us. You know what? I realized my fucking stuttering through all of that was worse than the goddamn movie. All right. I hope you brought the sound back up. Okay. Here we go. We're going to end this podcast with bad car stories. Okay. And before I go, I want to thank everybody for coming out to the punch line in Atlanta last week. I had a great time. And I want to thank that woman who, when I was ranting about adopting a dog, decided to stand up like she was in a coal miner's daughter and read me the riot act about fucking Great Danes or whatever the hell she was talking about. But anyway, thanks for everybody came out there. And I'm going to be at the improv in Pittsburgh,

July 10th through the 13th. And I will be going to the Pirates Game and I will be going to a day game possibly, which means they'll probably be given away. It's Fanny Pack Day. It's fucking Three Rivers Stadium, whatever you call that new one that shows that this yellow bridge in the background every time the other team hits a home run. Okay. Let's get to let's get the fucked up car stories here. Oh, and I'm serious about those rings, by the way, I wasn't kidding. If anybody knows how to string those things up, please for the love of God, let me know. Okay, just to give people a backstory. If you're new to my podcast, I had a dent in my car for three months. I finally got the fucking thing fixed five days later. I took it to I had it valed and I came downstairs and

fucking things dented in the exact same goddamn spot. And I learned about the expression to be beside oneself. Alright, so anyways, people wanted to tell me their fucking awful car stories. A lot of anger in these. So if you're not into dirty words, you might want to block your block your ears. Okay, car stories. Bill, I liked your podcast and I could relate to the dent story. Some very old cunt. Some very old cunt, as opposed to a, you know, middle-aged cunt, or just an old cunt, some very old cunt. What constitutes a very old cunt? I'm going to say older than 78 and has been smoking Camelon filters since the 30s. Some very old cunt hit my car after I had just fixed it. It was running like gold. It happened a week before Christmas.

And the old blind bitch, her name was Emma. Cunty things happened. I never heard that word cunty until I'd listened to you. Okay, well, maybe someday I'll teach you how to finish a fucking story. I guess she just hit it. It was running like gold and you're just abbreviating. It happened a week before Christmas. The old blind bitch, her name was Emma, Irma. All right, Irma. You know, I'm always fascinated with old people's names like Irma. You know what I mean? You hear the name Irma. You just know it's somebody fucking old, you know, or Gladys. And the weird thing is, is you know that when they were being born, like those weren't the new hip names. Like, you know, people will name their kids like Dakota.

You know, someday Dakota, like later on at the end of this century, Dakota, there's an old guy named Dakota. Or if there's a baby, there's an old lady named fucking Apple, like that name is gonna, that's gonna be like Ebenezer. That's what happens. That's what happens, man. You can look it up. All right, let's get on with these fucking things. All right. Yo, Bill, what's going on? What's going on, dude? I have a Lancer Evolution. I don't even know what that is. I had a dent in it from getting groceries at Super Walmart. As much as I hate that fucking evil company, they are the cheapest. Well, dude, that's, yeah, that's how it works. They're fucking huge and they drop the prices and they put the mom and pops out of business. Because idiots like you

go to them rather than sticking it out with the mom and pop and letting the billionaire with his nine million square feet go out of fucking business. So as much as you hate them, you're helping them fucking continue their domination. Oh, and then he writes, whatever, almost like he knew I was gonna rant about that. Anyways, while I was in there, I got hit in the front of my car and it dented the shit out of the front bumper and busted a headlight. Of course, I snapped and I went back into the store screaming about this and demanded to see the parking lot cameras. I like that. That's a strong move. Of course, that week, the two far side cameras were not working and I never found out who did it. Three months later, after driving around constantly

looking like a total fucked up loser, I got it fixed. Okay, three months later, you get your car fixed and what happened? That night, I was driving in Cleveland, Ohio. I live in Medina, parentheses, shithole, and I come out and I hit a massive pothole and blew out my tire, cracked my bumper and wheel well. I called the city and they just and they said that they just passed the bill saying that they were no longer responsible for damage caused by potholes. Oh, my God, he writes, the rage I had at that point, I just wanted to kill as many innocent people as possible after having getting my car fixed twice. You know what? How does that work within government? Does anybody notice know how that works? How do they pass the bill that they're not

responsible? You know what I mean? Like, if they ever put that on a bill, no one, no regular person would ever, would ever both to have that passed. I wish I could fucking do that. No one responsible for getting drunk and putting my hands on your person. All right, here's the last one I'm going to wrap up this podcast. I like this one because all the other ones, people have been telling me have been like, you know, they didn't do anything and they weren't at fault like, like this guy. I've been without my car for over two weeks now. First, I had to take it to the shop because I had an intake problem. I always think they make that shit up because I know you don't, you have no idea what it is. What's the problem? What's the problem with my car? Oh,

you got an intake problem. You got a busted aspirator tube. They just picked that obscure shit, you know? But anyways, I was, it was in the shop for like five days. And in those five days, it felt like I was 16 again, you know, before you get your license and you bum and rise up. Everybody just kept thinking, man, I got to get my fucking car. He's feeling all pathetic and shit. Well, I got it out and I drove it home with a big stupid grin on my face. I may have ran an air earner too. I don't know. All I know is I took it home, sat down at a beer and I put on the Astros game. I was in a freaking great mood. It sounds like a goddamn beer commercial. This is great, right? This guy's life's going awesome. And what, then what happens? All of a sudden,

his girlfriend said, I need to go to the store and that annoying tone of hers. So like a dumb ass, I let her go. I get a call from her. 15 minutes later, she's calling me from the side of the road by an ambulance. She had gotten a wreck. I love Southern people. She got a wreck, not just a wreck. She fucking totaled the front passenger side of the car. What makes it worse is that it was her fucking fault. God damn it, I was pissed. I was honestly going to ask her if the car was okay first. But I knew that would cause a huge, huge argument when she got home. Oh my God, isn't that the worst? And you know, she was just crying her fucking eyes out, wasn't she? Just to make you feel like a bully if you actually went, you stupid bitch. I just got that

fucking thing fixed. I hope you went through the windshield. You know, you need to actually justify and say that, but you can't. So anyways, those are three great stories with a person with the car with the victim. And then you get to this last one. I like this last one. I've had my 99 BMW 325i. Just got some work done on the engine and it runs like new. Last month on a Thursday, a little tipsy, which means he was shitfaced. I got into my car angry at this girl I had been talking to. Okay, did she have bruises on her wrist? Who's angry at this girl you've been talking to? He backs up furiously in this parking garage, smacked a larger than light pickup truck, which crushes his entire passenger side tail light and puts a large dent right underneath it.

No one's around. I leave a note on the car to give me a call if they're pissed. Not much damage to the huge Dodge Ram, which seems to have been parked in the middle of the aisle. I don't want to be a dick, but that truck wasn't moving. And you said it was larger than life. And you also mentioned that you were a little tipsy and you were angry at this girl. This is a horrible way to tell this story if you wanted some sort of empathy. But you know what? The fact that you brought the broad into the story, I actually actually felt bad for you. Why were you a little tipsy, huh? Were you buying her drinks all night? You know, I want to hear the rest of the story. You got to email me as to why you were mad at this girl because I have to know the

backstory for me to actually feel bad that you slammed your BMW into a goddamn Dodge Ram. Ah, you know what? It sucks. I've been there. I've been there. I fucking put my truck into a goddamn ditch one time drunk, pissed off at somebody. But anyways, thanks for all the questions. Thanks for all the stories about your cars. Please come and see me at the Improv in Pittsburgh next month and July 10th through the 13th. And go to billbird.com for all the dates. And one special side note, I actually just found out right before I did this podcast that George Carlin had passed away last night right out here in Santa Monica. And I didn't really feel like talking about it to be honest with you because it's too

fucking depressing. All I can say about the guy is he's just, you know, he's unbelievable and I don't know. I don't really want to talk. Just, you know, the guy, the guy got fired in 2001. That was always like a big thing for me. The fact that the guy was in his 60s and he could still say shit that actually got him fired in Las Vegas. And you know what I mean? Most people run out of steam by the time they're fucking my age and that guy, you know, 25 years later was still freaking people out. But I mean, I don't need to tell you guys this, but just without a doubt, without a doubt, easily. Top three of all time. I put him right there, Prylor, Pryor, Carlin, and Lenny Bruce. And it's fucking brutal. It's fucking brutal. What

an awful way. Let's see these. I didn't bring it up. I don't want to bring it up. I try to give you guys laughs on this shit rather than talk about, but he was one of the two reasons I got into this shit were him and Richard Pryor. And I used to do my paper route doing his bits, delivering papers, pretending I was him on stage in front of my kids I went to school with. That's how much I loved his stuff. That's how much the guy meant to me. And, you know, rest in peace. And I know he didn't believe in an afterlife. So I don't know. Enjoy your time in the ground, George. And thanks for all the laughs. All right, everybody. Thanks for listening to the podcast and please keep the questions coming. If anybody knows how the fuck I'm supposed

to hang up these goddamn rings, please let me know. And that's it. Everybody have a good week. Talking like the same on the side of the accident. Talking like the bot shot attempts on the president. Ring him like a change and look like this man's taxi cup. Talking like the water rolls down. What's the water roll down now? What's the water roll down? What's the what up

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