Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-23-22

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

Bill rambles from his car about announcers, paving paradise, and eating his balls at the Comedy Store.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on ya. Ah, that was a weak one. Whatever. This is how fucking crazy my schedule is. I'm actually podcasting right now while driving down the street, unless I get into an accident, and then I'll immediately erase this so I don't get in trouble. Your Honor, he was podcasting, calling people cunts, and didn't see that person on the scooter. It's Tuesday evening, man! In the Tampa Bay lightning, pull out Game 4, and avoid getting swept by what looks like the inevitable Stanley Cup champions, your Colorado Avalanche. However, there's a lot of pride in that Tampa Bay Lightning team.

Don't you forget, they got 10 days on that cup twice, and I'll tell you right now, it's going to take them more than a thing or two for them to, it's not going to roll over. You can bet you're bippy. I have not watched one second of this series. I'm just showing you how easy it is to talk mildly intelligent about sports like I have throughout the years. I did watch the Boston Red Sox tonight, win their seventh series in a row. They're like seven games above 500. We're on our way. We're going to clinch the fucking wild card, probably draw the Yankees, and then all the pressure's going to be on them because they're going to win like 120 games. Now, what's crazy about the playoffs now is you can come limping in,

winning 89-90 games, get the fucking wild card, and knock off a team. You know? I'll tell you, if they get hot at the right time, I mean, I'll tell you, these guys, these guys could be dangerous. This is the 89 and fucking 91 team nobody wants to play. Sorry, I didn't have time to do the math. Was it 162 games? So that would be 89 just for the fucking rain man out there. 89 and 73. I'll tell you right now, this is the 89 and 73 team nobody wants to play. All right? They're a little banged up, you know, but somewhere in August. But somewhere in August, these guys, they were down eight games and they had a meeting, a player's only meeting. I told the manager to go fuck himself. Obviously, what he was doing for

the first four months wasn't doing shit. And, you know, hats off to Eddie Herzog because he let him do it. And, you know, that's the type of thing. As a manager, I mean, now also part of managing is knowing when not to manage. Does that make sense? No one ever says, does that make sense? You know what it says? Does that make sense? Dumb people. Or maybe like non-confident people. E equals MC squared. Does that make sense? Thank you. That was my unconfident Albert Einstein, if he fucking grew up in Massachusetts. Anyway, you know, I follow a wide variety of things

on social media. And what I fucking hate is, you know, you click on one fucking thing, and then that's all they show you. But not one. You click on six of them and then that's it. It's like, this guy just likes this. So then you got to fucking let go the other direction. You know, I was compared to like Netflix when I watched one season of Narcos. And then everything I had was behind the scenes, San Quentin, how not to get fucked in the ass and Rhode Island, penitentiary, all of this shit. It's just like, dude, you think this is, this is all I am? Watching this shit? I mean, you got to throw in one punch, man, which I have to get back to watching if I ever get free time. Little Japanese anime,

you watch it Western, then you watch Narcos. And then you throw in one of those lesbian and gay shows. And then you're like, there you go, there you go, Netflix algorithm, figure that one out. And you know what you'd end up watching? What would you end up watching? I'm trying to think, ah, fuck. I was trying to think of a gay rock star that started a movie. Hopefully the period piece. I don't know. Anyway, cruising through Hollywood. I don't know where the fuck everybody is. The last couple of days. I know yesterday was a bankers holiday. Is that what it was? I have no idea. But whatever, I follow a wide variety of things and ah, I saw this fucking horrible, yet informative thing. Alright, get ready for your white guilt.

It was talking about how when slavery ended, first of all, they didn't tell slaves in like, Texas or something for two fucking years. You know, no smartphones back then. So they continued to be slaves for two years. And then in order to get around the law that there's no slave labor, they created all of these these laws, new laws that black people couldn't do this and couldn't do that little frivolous bullshit was super high fines. And if they couldn't pay the fines, they had to go to jail and work for free prison labor. It's fucking brutal, man. The more you see like, read about that type of shit, I know there's going to be a couple of people out there, you know, good one fucking you should read about that shit really makes you it puts a lot of stuff

now like into perspective, you understand it way more other than you know, you know, those fucking morons that post on social media and they act like history started today. And they don't look at like, okay, this happened and then this happened and this led to this and that's why I always defend the Southern man. The Southern white male is the responsibility of the North, the way we treated them after we won the war. Now granted, they tried to break away from us, but we will fucking them with them and fucking with them anyway. And then once they broke away, you know, and we beat them in the war, we treat them like shit, you know, their school system sucked. Still to this day, you know, as a talk show host, you can shit on Southern people and actions just make jokes about them being

inbred and fucking their own sisters. And nobody gives a fuck. And you know, you treat people like shit, they're going to fucking behave a certain way. So I think it's high time Northern white East Yankees like myself, you know, fucking ease up a little bit. I actually did some some press and one of the radio stations I was calling into, I called in NPR and I had a blast with them and they were like giving me shit because I trashed NPR. I was like, I like NPR and they go, oh, you took the bait. And then they played the clip and I go, well, what do you guys think you're above being trashed? And I go, you guys look at like 40 of the states in this country, like they're flyover states and the guy goes, they are flyover states, they go name one.

And he goes, Alabama. I go, I love Alabama. And he goes, well, that makes sense. I go, what, you listen to one fucking Neil Young song? I didn't say fucking, but I had a really good time on that show. But like, if I was a little more on my game, what the fuck are you doing, buddy? Nobody can drive out here. I swear to God. They just can't fucking drive out here. My wife actually saw a horrific accident on the highway today and his truck was all twisted up and she saw some guy who just had blood all over his face. And she goes, he just, I was just like, how does that happen? It's like, how does that happen? How does that not happen every five fucking minutes out here? These people drive like fucking lunatics on the highway.

You know, and so many people just have these crazy horsepower cars now and they fucking sit there zipping in and out of traffic. They don't give a fuck if you got a little fucking car. Now that's not that left turn in the fucking right lane, you douche. And a half a mile an hour does it that way. You know why? Because they wanted to make a right on the last two turns and they couldn't do it because they were blocked off. So now they're like in that like thinking thing like, what? So what do I do? Nah. So every move they make is like they fucking just ate a pot cookie. Oh, Jesus, Bill. But anyway, yeah, people drive like fucking lunatics. Like last night I came home, we had the second screening of the movie and which went great, by the way. I'm

very excited about that. And I will be showing the trailer hopefully soon in front of my shows. And anyway, I'm driving back from the screening. I'm, you know, making mental notes, remembering what worked, what didn't. And I'm driving like 75 miles an hour, right? So I don't know what the speed limit is out here, 55, 60. I'm like 15 miles over the speed limit. I got passed simultaneously on the left and the right, like I was fucking sitting still. So if you ever come out here, it's a great place. I definitely love LA. But like people drive, like that fucking idiot I was just talking about on surface streets, everybody drives around like they, yeah, like they're, they ate some weed. And then when they get out

on the highway, they drive like absolute fucking maniacs. I think there's a thing when like there's no traffic, like no one can believe it out here. Like you just can't believe it. So you just like, fuck, like let me just drive 100 miles an hour until this all backs up again. And I just don't think that they think about what they're doing. How bad you can get fucked up, how bad you could fuck up somebody else. Bill, is this a podcast or is it like a public service announcement? I don't know. I don't know what it is that I do anymore. I edit footage. I'm actually on my way down to the comedy store right now to run my act, you know, so I'm not rusty. When I, when I go up to go do Portland, I got Portland, I'm somewhere in Washington.

It's not Seattle or Tacoma. I don't really quite know where I'm going to be. I think it begins with an A. Then I'm in Vancouver and then I go over to Calgary. Now Vancouver is like, you know, very like, I don't know what, very cosmopolitan city. Calgary, they're a bunch of animals. I mean, they, they are like, you know, if you were going to get into a fight, you'd want to get into a fight in Vancouver. You would not want to get into a fight in fucking Calgary. I mean, I mean, I grew up in Massachusetts with maniacs. I went to Calgary. I was like, these fucking people can drink. Those fucking people that whenever I think of doing standup and Calgary, all I remember is just the amount of times I heard an empty beer bottle accidentally get kicked over in whatever

venue I was playing in and it had like no rug or anything. And I just kept hearing that throughout the show. And they were a great crowd and all of that. But God damn it, were they drunk? That goes all the way back to when I did stand up. I did this amazing tour out there with Paul Verzi. I'd be afraid to know how long ago that was. It's probably the better part of eight years ago. When we did that tour, we started in Moncton, worked our way east and then came all the way across. And I think the last night we ended up in Cal, because we did two shows in Calgary, and then we went to Vancouver, and then they added another fucking show back in Calgary. And that's where we ended. Oh my God, that's right. Oh, fuck. And Verzi got like,

he got extra fucked up that night. And I had to stay up with him to make sure that he was going to make his car, because I had a later flight. And I remember we got to the, you know, can you just tell your friends kind of blacking out, you know, they just have like that fucking far away look in their eye, like half a smile. They all of a sudden they look like they don't know how to read. That was a look he had on his face. And we've all been there. I'm not judging the man, you know, just saying. So that should be a, it should be a, it should be a good time. What else? What else? I'll tell you what else is I'm trying to make a right fucking turn here. Oh, Jesus Christ. There's always that one douche just driving so fucking slow.

That person just has all day. You know, why don't they understand? Look at it. Wiped out a whole nother block. Just made a left on the sunset. There's this whole fucking air. They wiped out this whole fucking block. And that's where Joni Mitchell was singing. Don't know what you got till it's gone. And, you know, Pave Paradise put up a parking lot. She sang about that because I guess it was some beautiful house there with these amazing, like, you know, shrubs and greenery and all this type of stuff. And all the singer songwriters that were broke living up in Laurel Canyon where, where, you know, you used to always look at that place and man, someday I'm going to write a hit.

I'm going to live in a place like that. And then just one day they just knocked the whole thing down, you know, and built like this fucking strip mall. And they just now they just knocked that down. And in that strip mall, there was a, there was a chase bank and there was a McDonald's. So you would think right there, there's no fucking way that's ever going out of business. And they must have offered them a whole bunch of money. Oh gee, Bill. Yeah, exactly. What do you think? They just walked in there and told me to get the fuck out. Of course they offered them a bunch of money. All right. I'm pulling into the store. So I'm going to do my spot and I'll be back in a couple

seconds and I'll let you know how it went. Man, everything's dead. What is going on? Everything is fucking dead. The saddle ranch. Who would have thought that that fucking place would stick around that long? The hell is that? Yeah, that's what we need. We need one more fucking game show. All right. And here we go. We're pulling into this. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? Huh? Pulling into the comedy store. Everybody looking down. They got the TV on over there. All right. Here we go. All right. I'll let you know how my set went. All right. And just like that, just like that, old freckles did a couple of fucking spots.

One in the main room, one in the original room. Man, I just had a fucking good time. I really did. The first crowd made me feel old. I mean, I am old, but I usually sort of connect with them. They were just staring at me like I was, I think they were just polite or they were smart. Sometimes when a crowd's quiet, it isn't necessarily that you're bombing. It's that they're listening. You know, I'm not going to lie to you. Some of the times it's because you suck. But I remember that remind me when I was in Finland, they were just fucking staring at me and I was like, oh, Jesus, what the fuck am I doing here?

What's got T-Bone? They were just staring at me. And I couldn't understand like what was going on. I've told this story a zillion times. And then I finally finished a joke. I'm like, are you guys all right? Like, what's going on here? And this guy was just like, but why didn't you just resolve with the diva? And I was just like, oh my God, that's what they're doing. They're trying to figure out the problems of the jokes. But that wasn't, they were just sort of young and polite because anytime I would be like saying something to them, whatever. But then I went into the OR and I don't know why. I just went up there and started talking about homeless people.

No, I know why. I was talking to a comic and he was talking about California running out of water and all this gloom and doom shit with, you know, the typical shit. They bring up all the gloom and doom. They have no solution. And you're like, what the fuck, right? Thanks for dumping that on me. And I was thinking like, you know, last night I was, I was driving. Oh, that's how I got into talking about it because I was driving down the street and there was just this fire. So I called 911 and they're like 911. What's your emergency? I was like, there's a fire. I go, some homeless guy started a fire and they go, let me put you on with the fire department. And I just kept saying some homeless guy started the fire and, you know, I didn't see the homeless guy start the fire.

I didn't see him start the fire, but I fucking blamed that guy. Anyway, so I just started riffing about that shit and everybody was staring at me like I was an asshole. And so I just went harder. And I kept a straight face as long as I could. I was saying that they should just take all the homeless people and push them into the LA river and wait for the rain season a week in February and just wash them all out to the ocean. And at that point, it was like dead silent in there. And I couldn't hold it together anymore. And I laughed and then they all laughed and realized that was a fucking idiot. So good time, good time had by all, at least I like to think so. There was one one when the whole time I was up there, like this her screen

was on and she was like texting. That's what I find that happens to me a lot. And I don't know if it's like some passive aggressive way of being like, I'm going to show you how much I don't care about what you're talking about. I'm gonna be on my phone. So what I do is I just I whenever the shit like that happens, I just start sending my act in that direction. And I started acting even sillier and having if I give a fuck, which I didn't tonight. But like if the person really seems like they're they're trying to annoy me, or they're not enjoying my act and I acts extra silly. I kind of use that negativity to sort of propel it. You know, where as much as they're trying to annoy me, I'm annoying them.

I used to do that when I was coming up in the clubs that there'd be some stone face person in the front row. And you know, I used to always take the bait bait, like, sir, what's the matter? How can we not laugh? No, lady, what's the problem? I started to like, you know, especially if they were down front, I would walk all the way up to the edge of the stage. And I would like sort of swing my arm out and hopefully be like above their head. As I was like doing my accident at that point, they were like staring at my fucking dick. Is that my crotch like right in their fucking face? And you'd only do it for a second, you know, because you never know, they could punch you in the balls. And then you just go back down to the other side or whatever. And it was funny,

you could actually turn it around. At least that's that's how I remember it. I mean, it'd be like one of like one of those old athletes is now just talking about their glory days, throwing a bunch of fucking mustard on it shit. But anyways, everybody, my order is in. Oh, Billy Freckles guy has a Ford F 250 coming his way. I can't wait. Oh my god, I got to get Nia on the podcast. She thinks it is the stupidest fucking thing that I ever bought. It's so funny. She just sits there. Like, I've been such like I try to get her excited about it. It's been like we've had so much fun with it because she's just like, hey, I mean, you know, that's switch one, drive around a big old truck or whatever she just thinks it's dumb. And I'm

like, come on, I got the bench seat, you know, you can, you know, like you can sit right next to me like old school style, like back in the day. She's just I might as well be I don't even know what I mean, I would have a better chance taken to a football game and getting into a fucking ride in that truck. She just doesn't give a shit. She just thinks they're stupid. Like on Father's Day, I took her out my my old F 100. I was like, you know, you want it to, you know, she always takes me out for a cigar. And I love going to cigar bars with my wife because she's funny as hell. And the guys always end up liking her because she can bust balls and all that type of shit. She knows how to hang basically. So we got this cigar bar that we always go to.

And, you know, sometimes we sit inside, sometimes we sit outside, but we always end up meeting like interest interesting people or whatever. And so anyways, I was saying, hey, you want to ride my old truck? And she's just like, yeah, yeah, no. And I just laughed and she goes, I know it's Father's Day, you want to drive it. All right, let's take the truck, right? And I go, why don't you like the truck, man? It's fucking cool. She goes, you know, it's just so loud and bumpy. So, you know, what am I, I mean, what am I going to lie? It's not going to lie. It is loud and it is bumpy, but I like it. Anyway, so I got to do some advertising at some point. I'm just going to say I'm going to do it here. I don't have the advertising as of yet.

Uh, what is it? How much time have I done here? 23 minutes? It's probably a couple, two, three minutes of fucking out coming down to the end here. All right, it's time for the advertising. And I was wrong. I thought Colorado was up three games to one. It was only two games to one, but now it's three games to one. So I feel like I predicted something. Um, simply safe everybody. You know, today's episode of the Monday morning podcast is brought to you by simply safe home security. I believe I believe every home should be the safest place on the earth for every family. That's why I use and recommend simply safe. Simply safe is advanced whole home security that puts you your home and your family safety first. Here's why I love it. It's adorable.

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slash burr. That's helixsleep.com slash burr for 200 dollars off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Go. Guests who need some mattress all freckles. I'm going to have to get one. All right. That's it and enjoy the rest of the podcast. I'm coming down to the end. Yeah. So right now I'm trying to get the movie trailer together. So when you guys come out to the show, you can check out, you know, a quick little 90 second thing before I get before I get out there and I will tell you guys this when I get this movie done, I think it's going to be great. It's it's you know, it's the tone of my act basically this movie in that I'm having people talk the way I hear people talk or whatever. But anyway, I'm going to need to rally the troops like when this thing comes out

wherever it comes out in theaters streaming or whatever, I will I'm going to be calling in a favor. If you guys Jesus Christ with the goddamn Lamborghini there, you know, I never used to like Lamborghini's. I kind of like them though. You know, I mean, I would never get one. But I like that somebody does. I kind of like that one. It was like that was like Ford racing blue with the with that orange orange stripe on it. So anyway, yeah, I'm going to need I'm going to need you guys to go out and drag like four people with you just so you know, I got to make sure these people get their money back. Can't have too old for a flop people. I'm not going to lie to you. I'd be one and done. That's it. It's like I came up to the pros at fucking 30 years of age.

You let off one fucking deep ball and that's it. Hey, man, I've been playing some drums too, by the way. And I got to tell you, my foot is faster than it's ever been. I just been doing this this exercise playing just all triplets between the hands and the feet and that type of shit. And like, I don't know, like five or six different licks, one of which being right kick kick, you know, just going around the drums and all of that shit. And I think just doing that every day has just really been beneficial for me and going in and out of each one, sort of trying to flow around the drums, like all of my favorite drummers are able to do. But I also started doing it with my left foot. And you know, my left foot was like,

it's like it belonged to somebody else, you know what I mean? Like that's how bad the thing was. And I never really developed it. And now it's actually like he's sort of intermediate fast. And I was playing along with some Pantera the other day, you know, that Cowboys from hell, the end, the double bass part. It's like three hits to the snare, you know, and I lead with my left foot for whatever reason on that. So it's two kicks and I slip one right in the middle of it. And it was the tightest and cleanest I've played it. So of course, now I'm going on the fucking road. So I might lose a few BPMs, but I sat down and I played with Traveling Riverside Blues, which is at 90 BPMs that I played along with good times, bad times.

And I was able to get through most of it. I kind of feel like I'm right there. So I'm just going to keep pushing through with this. So whatever, I'm a fucking eight year old everybody buying a fucking giant Tonka truck for myself. I'm still playing drums. What are you going to do? And I'm telling shit jokes in Portland, the state of Washington somewhere, Vancouver and Calgary, I'm going to have a great time. I am bringing Joe Bartnick and Nate Craig with me. We're going to have an absolute fucking blast. And I'm really psyched that the Tampa Bay Lightning came back and won one game to give us another game of hockey here at least. And so I can watch with those those two lunatics. It's going to be a good time. So that's it,

everybody. Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Thamelis, the great Andrew Thamelis, and then we'll have a bonus half hour special on Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Thank you guys for listening. I hope the car wasn't too loud here, but that's it. Have a great weekend, your cars. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, June 23, 2014. How's it going? How are you? What's up and all of that shit? I don't know. What do I start? I don't even know where to begin. I take my special Friday night in Atlanta at the Tabernacle, and I want to thank everybody who

came out. I had a wonderful time. As always, there were a couple of glitches. As always, a couple of people screamed out. And as always, what the fuck are you going to do? I had a great time, and I'm really looking forward to putting that special out and coming up with my new hour of material. And right now, I'm trying not to freak out because essentially, when this thing comes out in a couple of months, I have no, I mean, I have an act, but it will be an act that potentially people in the crowd have seen. So I have to try some, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. You know what I do when I try to build a new hour? No, Bill, we don't know, nor do we give a shit. Well, fuck you. It's my podcast. I'm going to talk about it. What I like to do,

basically, I basically, I take off all rules of like hackneyed shit. I don't give a fuck. I will, I will talk about anything. So I am now just looking what's going on in the news. Hey, it's a little interesting thing here. It's like Jay Leno's bit, right? He takes like the the headlines, except he actually has a staff of writers combing through to actually find funny ones. I, on the other hand, will be going down to the clubs, just throwing anything I can up against the wall. Why the fuck is it so hot in here? Jesus Christ. And I can't open the fucking windows because my neighbors are going to freak out. I'm taping this Sunday night. So everybody's home right now. God damn it.

Jesus, it's not one fucking thing. It's not, you know, I was going to do it in the bedroom, you know, but my wife wants to go take a bath and relax, which, you know, is that wrong? No, it's not wrong. You know, is it, is it, is it pathetic that I can't do a podcast in the, in the next room without disturbing her because I scream and yell and rant and rave and all that shit? That's pathetic. I guess that is pathetic. So I am, I'm out here in the living room. I can't open the fucking windows and I tell you the heat's getting to me already. Oh, it's getting to me. What would you rather do? Would you rather freeze to death? I'll get myself a dilemma here. Would you rather freeze to death or I'm not going to say burn to death. Everybody's going to choose

freezing to death, although there'll be a couple of douches. Well, both of them are going to be painful. So I'd rather get the pain over with, you know, hit me with some sort of scientific facts or whatever. He'll just say some science shit. They don't even have to be facts when it comes to my scientific background, of which I have none. You know, I took two goddamn classes. No, I didn't even do that. One was chemistry and I was just like, I'm not fucking looking at bugs. You know, I know it's not bugs, but I had to follow through with that sentence because that's the first thing I thought of when I was looking, looking in the Petrie dish. What are you looking at?

Oh, that's biology. So I was still wrong. Chemistry. You know what I love about this fucking podcast is how dumb you guys think I am. Not how dumb you think I am, but like how much smarter like the shit that you guys write. I swear to God, you fucking animals just like me. All right, but whatever, maybe that's my job. My job is to make you feel better. Better. I don't know. I have no idea. But anyways, yeah, my science background is horrific. I took, I just didn't give a fuck when I was younger. They shouldn't try to teach you that shit when you're young. You know, you're too busy staring at the fucking hot chicks in class. You're sitting there with a fucking rod, you know, trying to memorize a periodical chart. You

can't do that. And if you can, you know what, I don't even know what the fuck you are. You're not even a human being. How are you not looking at the chick that developed the quickest, you know, with the tits over there or George Ash jeans, whatever, sass on whatever the fuck they had back when I was a kid. That's what you're looking at or even worse. You had some hottie for a fucking teacher that you wanted to bang. You know, I would tell you about that time I got trouble. I got in trouble a long time ago. I was taking this French class. And the teacher I had was beautiful. She had a habit of wearing dresses where she had a slit halfway up the side of her fucking leg. You know, I'm in the eighth grade. What am I supposed to

do? Well, long story short, one day she came in, she had a slit up boat on both sides of the dress, right? So she would be writing on the board and when she would step back, did I even tell the story? I can't remember. She would step back so you could see, you know, she'd step one leg back and then somehow you could basically see halfway up her leg on her inner thigh, on the leg closest to the blackboard and like the fuck it was over. All right. No blood in my brain. I'm just going. All I'm doing is thinking how to say in French, please step back again. Sivu play. I have no idea. I don't, I'm not even fucking listening. And to this day, I don't know. I never, I was one of the worst I've ever had a teacher yell at me.

She called on me. All right. And I'm trying to fucking answer her and I'm trying to bullshit and I'm trying to bullshit my way through. And she realizes that I haven't been fucking paying attention and she flipped out, calling me a liar. It's screen to this day, I swear to God, something was going on in her home life because it's like, yeah, I mean, you should just called me a fucking liar and moved on. She just fucking, she berated me for like the last 20 minutes of the class. I remember, Jesus, I'm rubbing my head now thinking about, I was just sitting there, you know, you know how many times I've thought about that fucking moment in my life and I just wish that I had the emotion maturity to be like, you know, you weren't paying attention, were you?

And I'd be like, no, I wasn't. I wasn't. Why don't you, you know, not come to class. All right, with two slits up both sides, you dress and I won't be, you know what, your inner thigh is way more interesting than watching you go, just sweet to a and all that fucking crap. Okay, send me down to the office. What do you want? What do you want from me? I don't give a, yeah, whatever. I'm not passing this class anyways. Am I, am I, you know what? Fuck this. I want to thank you for dressing the way that you do because that shit you're writing on the board is not interesting. It's not nearly as interesting as what's going on downstairs there. Okay. And quit acting like you don't know what you're doing and you're yelling at me. You're

getting on me. You're having a bad time with your fucking husband. That's what it is. What's the matter? He doesn't want to touch you anymore. So now you got to come in here all gussied up, get us all hot and bothered, right? And then fucking scream and yell at me because I'm not paying you. You're not even yelling at me. You're yelling at your fucking husband. Can you imagine? I actually, I probably wouldn't have got half of that out. I don't fucking know. You know, not to mention, I had, you know, I guess I had really bad ADD. You know, I can't, you know, the only time I can focus is if I give a fuck about something or my life is in jeopardy. You know, like I went on a motorcycle ride today with a buddy of mine

and we drove all the way down sunset, all the way down and all the way back. And I got to tell you, I don't see the enjoyment in riding a motorcycle. I don't get it. It always looks awesome. But once you're on there, all you're thinking is I'm going to die. That's a fucking Range Rover. Jesus Christ, get the fuck away from me. You know, the whole fucking, you can't look at anything. All you're doing is making, driving down the street, you're making sure that nobody's pulling out somewhere. No one's going to open a door up. You get up to a fucking stoplight. You got to look in your rear view mirror to make sure nobody rear ends you and pushes you out into traffic. It's fucking horrific. You're going around a turn. You got to look your way through the goddamn term and then make sure the

other asshole across the street, you know, come on the other way, isn't going to wipe you out. But I got to tell you, my focus is incredible. I guess that's the only way I can focus. Or if there's like something, something is on on the line. Other than that, I just started staring at bugs on the ceiling or whatever. I don't know what it is I do. I'm out of my fucking mind. So anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. So I take my special this weekend. And you know, that's the fun part of the horrific part now is I have to go back and I got to go in during the editing process. And that's not something I like doing. I got this weird thing where if I videotape myself for the club, I can sit there

and I can watch it and I can laugh and I can enjoy it. But the second I know you guys are going to see it too, I get all in my head and everything I'm doing. I think, gee, why did I do that? What am I doing? Blah, blah, blah. Why did I say this? You know, why is my weight on my right leg right now instead of my left leg? It's fucking torture. So I got to push my way through it because, uh, you know, I am trying to make sure, you know, with each special, you know, you want to be a little bit better than you were the last time you want to look a little bit better than the last one. So I didn't realize with that also becomes the pressure of, I don't know, trying to keep going up. I don't fucking know. I don't know. Whatever. It's behind me. Okay. So

now basically what I'm doing is I'm looking over these, I'm trying to watch the news, which I can't do because I don't know about, I don't know where you guys live in the world, but we don't really have news over here. We have a little bit of it, but for the most part, it's basically, uh, the Democrat news and the Republican news. It's really fucking sad. Um, I used, I like the way they used to lie to us. I liked it back in the day, you know, when they just had that person, that fucking older white guy who, who had that sound in his voice that just sounded like he fucking, you know, was giving you the straight deal, you know, as opposed to now we got all these personalities that are like bigger than the news, you know, all those silly cunts on Fox news

and all those dipshits on CNN. Who's that guy with the fucking silver hair on CNN? What does he, what does he call his show? Ah, Jesus Christ. I, I can't remember. You got the, you got the one calls at the, the situation room, which you remember, OPI and OPI and Anthony used to always make fun of the situation room. And you got what's his face going, yeah, this is a no spin zone at Bill O'Reilly jerk off. This is a no spin zone. It's like, dude, the, your entire fucking show was you spinning it. There's no such thing as a no spin zone. Right now I'm spinning how I think news is in this country. So you guys agree with what the fuck I say. There's no such

thing like I'm going to give you the straight dirt. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't because you're getting it off that fucking, whatever the fucking is that ticker tape thing that you get it. You know, you weren't there. You don't know what happened. And even if you were there, I'm going to get it. It's going to be what happened cut with your childhood. That's what's going to happen because it goes into your brain and then it's fucking in there and it's stepped on like drugs. It's not the pure shit that just happened. So I can't watch it. What the fuck does that guy call this show? That silver haired guy. It's something arrogant, something arrogant, like he's giving you, you know, what the fuck is supposed to be happening. Anderson Cooper, 360. Is that what

it is? I thought it was worse than that. 360 is not bad, right? He's spinning around as he tells the news. Sorry. Terrible joke. Anderson, but you know what? I'll put that in my act. I need jokes. Anderson Cooper, 360. Look at net worth. Who the fuck would look up his? Oh, now it's just guys making a year. What did you do? They said, didn't you read teleprompters? I could do that. I thought he had something. I thought it was called something worse than that. Anderson Cooper, 360. Sounds like one of them X game tricks. He did a backside fake. He followed by Anderson Cooper, 360. Jesus Christ. Insert homophobic joke there. Like what would an Anderson Cooper, 360 skateboard

look like? Oh, that's, you know what? That's too easy. Full coverage from Anderson live in Baghdad. I know what annoys me is when he goes out and he tells a story he's got a fucking helmet on. You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. A helmet won't even help you on a motorcycle. Okay, you're in a fucking war zone. Take it off and show your great hair, you son of a bitch. Anderson Cooper, 360. Spinning around live here in Baghdad. Republicans do everything wrong. Oh, keeping them honest. Is that, is that what, is that what he does? Why am I asking you guys? Why didn't I do my fucking research on this thing? Keeping them honest. Gay conversion therapy. Oh, Jesus Christ. I can't imagine the tension there.

Dude, how fucking retarded are you that you actually think that you can stop somebody from being attracted to what they're attracted to and then also thinking that it's unnatural? You know, I don't understand that unless you're talking about pedophiles, but even them, it's the way they're wired or something happened to them. And then they try to undo that wiring. That's noble work. But I mean, at the end of the day, I mean, we all know what needs to happen. You got to take them out behind the barn and give them the old fucking old yellow treatment. All right, it's over. You can't help it. I know it's not your fault. You want to have, you want to fuck a kid. We can't have that. Okay. Maybe someday in the future. I don't know when,

but not now. When would you? I don't know when you would, but it's, it's, it's not going to happen. So you're done. It's over. Quit your crying. Be a goddamn man. Right? And then that's it. So keeping them honest, gay conversion therapy. Look at this fucking weirdo. How do they try to convert you from not being gay? I bet they just have you sitting there, right? If it's a gay, a gay man, and they'd be like, all right, okay, we're going to do something different here. Okay. What I want you to do is think about having sex with a man. Okay. Are you doing it? Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it. All right. Just keep thinking about that. You're having sex, you know, he smells like old spice, you know, whatever you're into, blah, blah, blah. And

it gets the fucking dude aroused. And then he just has some naked woman come in and do like a flying scissor kick and put a snatch right in his face, right? Gets that stank on him while he still has an erection. Thinking that maybe that would take, you know, other than that, I don't, I don't know how you do it. But what's funny about that was then if they wanted to convert me to being gay, that they would do the exact same thing, except the flying scissor kick would be somebody's package coming flying at my face. I mean, I'm going to go on a limb and say that that's not going to work. Dude, how isolated are you as a fucking human being that you're actually part of a group that's trying to do some shit like this? I mean, I guess people looked at Orville and Wilbur right like,

are you out of your fucking mind? You're trying to fly. That's crazy. So maybe they think that they're doing that except with like sexuality. You know, what's funny about the early planes is when the people didn't understand that the flapping of the wings was to gain speed. So they tried to have like the like, well, I don't know. Isn't that what they thought? Isn't that something else that I haven't read about? They thought that the it's got something to do with the flapping of the wings. Before they realized like, no, we just need to somehow gain some speed. We got to build something that somebody can run with. Oh, Jesus. I look fuck you guys. I already told you I didn't

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through independent attorneys and self help but they are not a law firm legal zoom.com discount code burr B U R R. All right, back to the podcast. All right, so what am I going to talk about now? Oh, so today, so I came back. Oh, by the way, you know, was awesome after I after I did the taping at the beautiful Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta. Jason Lawhead, he was looking for a place we could go out and smoke some cigars. And it turned out right in part of the same building part of the Tabernacle is a new cigar place called Winston cigars. And I went in there and had a great cigar. They kept the place open late for us. I want to thank everybody over there for

for letting us hang around and all of that shite. We had a great time and definitely going to stop there again next time I come back. And if you live in Atlanta and you like cigars, you want a cool place to hang out to put on any kind of music you want to put the game on for you. It was absolutely perfect. Got to hang out with a couple in there from Worcester. So it was it was a great time. It's definitely a great time. So anyways, so now that I'm back here in town, you know, I stayed up to like five in the morning did not drink them did not drink. I am I am I'm saving myself for those of you who listen to my podcast every week, you know that ever since I came back from France, I have not drank. I am up to I don't know how many fucking days by the time you

listen to this, I'll be on my 67th day. And I'm going to Vegas and I'm going I decided I'm going off the wagon in Vegas. I got two shows Friday and Saturday night in the Mirage Casino. And it just so happens that the tour that the Monday morning podcast has been sponsoring the tour that has been crushing it in the clubs all around the country. The tour that includes Paul Dude, I called it Versey Joe Bartnick Rose Bowl tailgate legend and Rose Bowl tailgate legend and grill cook extraordinaire Jason Lawhead will be at Harris at the improv this Sunday. I'm at the Mirage Friday, Saturday, and my buddies are there Sunday. So what am I going to do not hang out? Of course, I'm going to hang out. I'm going to go and I'm going to check out their show

over at Harris. And you know what? So should you. It'll be a great time. Fun for all fun for all. And who knows maybe even a couple of special guests. When we're in Vegas, you never know who drops in. So anyways, I haven't been drinking. So today, I was like, All right, you know, I've been on the road and shit, getting ready for this taping. I'm going to take my wife out. She wanted to go to the beach, right? So I got my little motorcycle ride in in the morning. I didn't die and came back and I took her out to the beach and I went over to I did my workout over there. Right over there on Muscle Beach. I stood there in a little banana hammock showing off my fucking pasty body now. They got they got pull up bars and they got rings and they got the

rope over there. I hate the fucking new rope now. They used to have like a real rope. Now this one's made like, I don't know if they put some protective thing on it felt like it was almost made out of plastic. I guess for the weather or something like that. So it wouldn't disintegrate like the last one did. But I did all right. I did all right on it, man. I was able to go almost all the way up to the top without using my legs there. And I got to tell you for 46 that ain't bad. That ain't fucking bad. So after that, we drive up to Malibu and I'm thinking Malibu, this is fucking, you know, all these rich people are and everything, this is going to be nice. We go to the beach and I tell you, I can't even begin to describe the fucking animals,

the absolute fucking animals that were at the beach. I mean, it is fucking horrific. Fuck dude, you know what's fucking hilarious is seeing people from my generation and the generation before, like the tattoos that were in, you know, like did I saw this guy in the beach, right? And now that everybody's older and out of shape and has kids and shit, this guy, you know, those fucking stars that everybody had, everybody got him in the early 2000, they were like red. And then they had like some sort of darker shading in them. I mean, I have a friend that has two of them. I think one on each elbow. So there's some fucking guy, roughly the same age as my buddy. He's got one just to the inside of both shoulders, which was sort of a weird place for him. But if

he had more tattoos, it looked fine, but he had no other tattoos in that area. It was just weird. It's like, what are you like a general in your own life? Why do you have those fucking stars there? Right? So he's sitting there. You could tell he used to be in shape, you know, he used to have the pecs, but now they're kind of looking down, staring at the floor, big stupid pot belly. And he's sitting there as his kids are running around and he's eating, he's digging into this bag of chips and they're not chips, you know, those things that look like the onion rings, but the not onion rings, it's like if you had a potato chip, but it was a fucking shape like an onion ring that he's just sitting there eating those things. So this other dude

come by and I know dude, I am obsessed with trying to stay in shape and not become what I see. Okay. At the fucking beach. This guy comes by Latino guy, right? Fucking big giant belly and tattooed on his stomach, you know, like Tupac had thug life. This guy for some reason had Pasadena. Oh, it was awful. It was fucking awful. There were two hotties on the beach other than my wife. There was like the fucking model couple, guy and woman in front of us who looked like they were, they were shooting a fucking guest ad. And then all the way down the way, there was some chicken, a fucking pink bikini who was working out on the beach, total like exhibitionists. It was great. It was great. I kept saying Ania going, look what she's doing now. Look what she's doing now.

She's doing, she's doing leg lifts with the weights on her ankles. And she kept looking over going, Oh God. No, I love when women get mad at other women who are prancing around showing their clam. It's fucking hilarious. You know, I'm trying to think of the guy version of that. What would a guy be doing? I guess I'm trying to think of something that a guy would be doing in that version that would, that same scenario that wouldn't make me laugh my ass off. The only thing guys would do that would ever bug me is, is, uh, I guess walk up and just start, you know, hitting on your girlfriend or your wife or whatever, right in front of you. I guess that would be the only thing other than that. If they're walking around peacock and I don't give a fuck. I think it's

hilarious. You know, and plus you're young. Go ahead. Exactly. Go fuck her in the surf while you still can. So anyways, we're sitting there. Oh, and the families do what kind of people go to the beach. As you can tell, I'm not a beach person. So I never went just fucking animals. These fucking people brought a table down. They got a large cheese pizza. They're just sitting on the beach getting fatter. You know, it's like you're going to take your shirt off in a second. You're going to slam. You're going to fucking down four slices of pepperoni mushroom. Jesus Christ. You know, and I would love to, I don't know, I would love to act like, you know, people try to act like it's only in America where everybody's all fat. Uh, we are, we are pretty goddamn fat

because our food is such fucking poison. Um, but it's still a shit show everywhere else. I don't know, in its own way. Oh, speaking of that, do you know what I was on? I was in Utah last week and I took this picture and I put it up on Twitter and I was in the gym, right? The hotel gym and they had a couple of ellipticals and then they had a big window where you looked outside and right across the street was, uh, this fast food place. So I took a picture of it and just hashtag like, come on, man, you know, like I'm trying to lose weight here and you're tempting me with this shit. So the fast food place saw it and then tried to write a joke about it, like trying to draw me into the horseshit,

the fucking poison that they're serving. Hey, we said, why don't you come over here afterwards and do some fucking hamburger curls? Get it? That's what they hashtag. You get it, you know, acting like they're the cool fucking dealer of poison, right? And I just wrote it back. I was like, no, I don't get it. Why would I work out and then go over to your restaurant and eat that poison? Kind of defeats the purpose of working out, no? And they never wrote back. Stop acting like you're cool. You know, it would be cool if they just came out and said, listen, what we're serving you is absolutely fucking horrific. There's barely an ounce of nutrition in this shit, but God damn it, it is fucking delicious. So don't have it all the time,

just every once in a while. If they just came out and said that, you know, I don't fucking know. I mean, what I'm talking about here, I'm just trying, you know, I'm just trying to get through another podcast. That's all I'm trying to do. You know, I really thought I was going to have a big feeling of relief when I finished my special. I could get on with my life here and kind of feel a little melancholy. I'm really going to miss those jokes. I really am, man. I fucking, that was my favorite hour and a half of shit I've ever written. And I don't know, I might have to pull out a couple of those every once in a while. Somebody requests one or something. I might have to do that. I got this helicopter joke,

man. Wait, wait, it's one of my favorite jokes I've ever gotten. It's just so much fun to fucking do it. You know, it's that Steve Jobs bit that I did. I did that one on Night of Too Many Stars. That was a sad one to let go. I just loved when I was walking around acting like he was eating a pear. That was so much fucking fun. Just acting like an arrogant ass, trashing somebody that's accomplished way more than I'll ever accomplish. You know, those are the funnest moments in stand up is when you get to do shit like that and just act like a fucking idiot and people actually laugh and that's God damn it. Making fun of Oprah's fun. How is it not fun to make fun of somebody as successful as her who has like 50 fucking houses in her own TV network? It's just

fun. Do you guys know I had at one time I had a meeting, right? And I was meeting with the casting director of what is it? Dreamworks, right? And I know this sounds like a big deal, but this shit happens all the time. All the time when you're out here from the day you get out here, you get a meeting with like fucking back in the day like Castle Rock was doing all the sitcoms, you're like, oh my God, I got a meeting with Castle Rock. They have like nine sitcoms on and they just meet with you and you think you're going to get on a sitcom and you're lucky if you get an audition within the year. They're just always meeting new people, right? So this is all this. It's just a meeting, right? So I go over there and I'm sitting in the waiting room waiting to

meet with this big time casting director, right? And all of a sudden I hear this woman sing and goes, I hear this woman sing going Spielberg like that. And I'm thinking like, holy shit, am I going to see Steven Spielberg? He's at the top of this fucking chain, but you never see the top guy. So I'm like rubber necking and all this shit. And I look and he's not there. But the person who sang that it was Oprah Winfrey. And she walked by and I'm sitting on the couch going, oh my God, I have made fun of you on like 50 fucking podcasts. And she walked by with her entourage. And for half a second we both I was looking at her, she actually looked over at me and she just kept going for half a second. I was so arrogant. I thought she was going to stop

and be like, you're that punk ass who did that fucking bit about me. You know, it was going to start yelling at me. And she didn't. She just looked at me like I was a lamp and she just kept walking. And I was like, oh yeah, that's right. She has other things to do. Evidently she was just saying goodbye to Steven Spielberg. How funny is it that she doesn't just do that on her show that she actually really sings stuff that she's saying in real life. Did you ever see that hilarious impression that Maya Rudolph used to do of Oprah? She used to do that thing where she would sing to like the crowd. Okay. And everybody gets a new car would do like that thing that she actually does that in real life. You know, isn't that nice? There's a little Hollywood story for you people.

I dropped two names in there without she even noticing. All right. I don't know what to talk about because hockey's over. Basketball's over. I'm trying to get into baseball. Oh, I will tell you this. I'm actually thinking about getting the baseball package and as a Red Sox fan, you know what I really miss doing? Watching Yankee games. Believe it or not, I absolutely love watching the Yankee telecast. More so than I like watching the Red Sox one. I don't even know why. I think because I lived in New York for so long and I would just want this, but this is when the like I lived during the height of the curse of curse of the babe when I was there. So I fucking hated the Yankee. So I went to Yankee Stadium a zillion times. I watched all of their fucking games just sitting there rooting

against them. I must have saw Clemens pitch like 50 fucking times. I saw all of them. I saw the 98 Yankees which is legendary now. I mean, I don't think there's been a team like that since. But I gotta be honest. I don't know. There's something about it. I did it for so fucking long. I think I've actually watched wire to wire more Yankee regular season games than I have Red Sox games because I mean, I was in New York for like, I don't know, like 12 years. And, you know, when I was a kid growing up, I mean, the first 10 years of your life, I mean, you just run around throwing sticks and mud and shit. You're not really paying attention. And then from 10 to 20. I don't know. I would watch him. But you know, you're getting drunk for the first time. You're

trying to get up some girls shirt. You're busy. So then I just basically had from like 20 to 27. And then I moved. But I stayed in New York for like, you know, fucking 12 years. So I, but I got to tell you, I love watching them now because they're they're announcing team is it's the shit. All right, it's Michael Kay. He's staring the ship. And then I love when there's nothing better when you have former players that are actually really good broadcasters and they have Paul O'Neill, the former Yankee great. And they have Al Leiter. So you have one of the great hitters of the last 20 years and champions. And then you have Al Leiter, a pitcher. So you got a pitcher and a here and just the combination of the two of them. And it's just, Al Leiter is hilarious.

Fucking hilarious. And I, and this is the thing. I always loved Paul O'Neill. And every money in my family actually fucking loved the guy because he was so hilarious to us because we all have tempers. And the funniest thing about Paul O'Neill was the amount of times I saw that guy come up to bat, hit a fly ball to right field. And the second he hits it, you'd see him put his head down and go, fuck and throw the bat down. And it would be a home run into like the third row. Like he, he, he was such a perfectionist. Like the fact that he didn't get all of it, he was mad. I guess what, that you didn't drive it 30 rows in. And then in every fucking time, whether he got a hit or whether he didn't get a hit, when he ran out to the field and he would go out to right

field, he would immediately, well, I guess he'd throw the ball around. But once that was over, he would be out there in between like batters, in between pitchers and shit. He'd be out there practicing his swing. I don't know. There's just certain guys, even though they play on the team that you hate, you can't fucking hate the guy. The guy was great. So I was watching one of their telecasts recently and they actually, they cut to some footage of Outlighter facing Paul O'Neill and it was hilarious. And of course Paul O'Neill gets a hit and then the last two that they showed Outlighter struck them out. And he's like, Oh, I struck you out. I didn't even know that. And then he looked over at Michael and he goes, and Paul didn't get that mad. It was fucking great. So

I'm actually thinking about getting the baseball package because I actually have a package where I get the Nessan network and I get the yes network thinking that I get the fucking games and I don't. They block the whole thing out because they force you to buy, you know, so I get the Milwaukee Brewer home games. They're such cunts. They're such fucking cunts. Why can't they just, you know, you know, I guess it's my fault for moving away. Do you understand what I'm really bitching about here? That basically for a hundred something bucks that now boohoo, now I have to watch all the baseball games. You want to strike all of that? God bless whoever came up with that package. Where am I going here? All right, World Cup soccer.

Have you guys been watching? I hate to say this, man. I haven't watched one second of it and I actually, for as much as I make fun of football, the real football, I, you know, I totally respect it. I think it's a beautiful game. I just wish I had, and I'm driving by the bars and I'm seeing all the flags out and hearing people screaming and yelling. I wish I had the time to watch it. I know that there's some games tomorrow. I think Brazil plays somebody. I'm actually going to try at least maybe to tape a game. I got to get into this shit once every four years. The whole fucking world's going nuts. But hey, you know what? I said that the United States is going to win it. I said the fix is fucking in and we are one-on-one. I haven't watched a second of it. I know that we tied Portugal

today, which to me seems pathetic. All right, Portugal's barely in Europe. It's like Spain felt bad for them. They're like, all right, here's a little landing strip. You guys can fucking live over here. Okay, you can have your little football team once every four years. We'll let you run around and sing your songs and wear your scarves. But other than that, you pipe the fuck down. All right? Now, for all you Portuguese people who are going to get mad at me, write all the mean shit you want and then also tell me where I can do a show in your country and I'll fucking do it. All right? You guys can go there and you can fucking heckle me by singing your soccer songs or your football songs right in the middle of it. And I'll give you shit. And then

in the end, you know, we'll trade jerseys. You'll give me your soccer jersey and I'll take off one of my button downs. What the fuck was with that guy who scored the goal today and he started sucking his thumb? Can anybody explain that to me? I don't understand soccer. Every time you start to love it, somebody does some shit like that and then you just, you just got to walk away. So anyways, we are one on one. So we're going to play Germany next. And basically if we tie, if us in Germany tie, we move, we automatically advance. We're one on one. Germany's one on one. And then Portugal and Ghana, I think is in our, in our, whatever, division, whatever the fuck you call it, quadrant, they both have yet to win a fucking game. So I don't know. I want us to win the World Cup so bad

just because I love what I was talking about last week, just how much the world would fucking hate us. But I gotta tell you, man, I think we're going to win one. Eventually we are going to win one. And I don't mean that like, well, shit, you know, they're going to play it every four years forever. Eventually everybody's going to win one. I mean, I think we're on our way to winning one as in, I think we'll win one by 2030. All right, which is saying something considering how far behind we were. And in 2030, if you want to know, I will be 62 years old. That's how fast it goes. And I'll be working on another fucking special. Hopefully maybe it'll be my year off. All right, let's plow ahead here. Anything else here? Did the all in tour? Oh, YouTube fucking video of the week.

I was watching this, uh, the dead weather concert. I don't know how it's, private PR IVE. I started watching this thing. I was trying to, I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I was doing something. All of a sudden I just started watching Jack White videos and I got to this. I can't believe I didn't see the dead weather live because I got to tell you the lead singer of that or at least what I've been watching that woman. I hope I say her name right, Allison Mossheart is a fucking rock star. I'm going to go see that band. What is it? The kill that she's in? Very rarely do you see a legitimate fucking rock star and she's definitely one without a doubt. So that's one of the YouTube videos of the week. Just fucking watch it. And what's cool also is Jack

White set up, uh, his drum set up, how he has everything all level, kind of like the way Buddy Rich did, but his, uh, or no, actually Buddy Rich's symbols will level. That's right. This is some drum geek shit. You can fast forward through this, but he has like, it looks like he has a rack tom and then two different snare drums, all at the exact same level, all at the same level that you would have your snare drum. Um, and then on the, uh, to his right side, he's got three floor toms the way Tony Williams used to have them, right? You guys all know that, right? When he had that yellow, yellow kit. Do you know why I saw him at the regatta bar? I saw Tony Williams and I knew he was awesome, but I, of course, didn't understand everything he was doing. And

in between the break, I walked right up and stood next to his drums, that classic yellow kit. I saw him. I saw Louis Belson shook his hand and I saw, uh, Roy Haynes. I saw all these great jazz drummers and of course Tony Williams like died a couple of years later, unfortunately from a heart attack, but, uh, anyways, what the fuck? I'm, why am I talking to you guys about old jazz drummers? Jesus Christ. Uh, let's, let's get to some questions here. Um, oh, by the way too, if you want to, if you want to, um, send in some questions or whatever, uh, if you want to follow us on Twitter, it's at the MM podcast on Twitter. All right. And all the videos that I recommend and all the shit that I talk about, I'll definitely, uh, have the links up there. It's way more

organized than it ever used to be. All right. There you go. Uh, Bill, a bunch of emails from people who were at the taping, couple emails calling out douchebags at the first show for being loud. You know, I didn't mind that, you know, the first show they told everybody to stay in their seats and, um, we realized that that was wrong because I was doing well over an hour and people were drinking. They had to, they had to go to the bathroom. It wasn't fair. So, um, so in the second show, I was, I just said to the people, you know, who were shooting the things like, look, people walk around all the fucking time. I still have a good set. I don't give a shit. Just let them do what they want to do. I don't, you know, let's just make it more like a show.

And that's what we did in the second show. It went even better. So anyways, all right, Bill, in response to male whore versus a female whore. Um, all right, dear Billy Buffalo. Uh, I am a proud woman who loves other women. Nice. Nice. I found your handling of the whore, gay son versus a whore for a daughter question to be spot on. I also agree with the gay man who wrote in last week. If I was sitting around a table and this question was posed, it was funny. I don't even remember what I said. I'd feel it was addressing current issues that are generally ignored discussions that are usually avoided in fear of discrimination, but in actuality, depriving important dialogue. Yeah, absolutely. You should be allowed to be ignorant.

Is long, you know, as long as you're not like acting on it and like trying to hurt somebody should be allowed to say the things that you feel. And if they, they end up being, um, you know, ignorant, not being dumb, just ignorant. Like you just want to expose to some other information. You got to have people get them out. And then that's how you move on to the next level. Like, no, actually it's like this. Oh, I didn't know that. And then, you know, hopefully you change for the better. Um, so anyways, discussions that are usually, she says, I never knew my father, but I would hope he would answer that question honestly. Frankly, I don't like labeling either as whores, but it's the easiest way to sum it up. I,

I agree with you wholeheartedly. Uh, call somebody a whore. That's really bad. A hose kind of funny whore to actually say it whore is really bad. Um, she continues to say, I'd be remiss not to mention that Nia spoke emotionally as a straight woman, but did not consider why the question is important to gay children. Oftentimes, gay teens experiment prematurely after having repressed feelings for their early, for their early adolescence or from their early adolescence. I don't know. The truth is though, emotional, emotional changes and repercussions of early sexual encounters affect the female much more severely. This is not to say that boys can't suffer the effects. But as you and Nia have

both pointed out in the past, women are more sensitive to certain things that men are not. I was with you all the way until, till, um, where you say that the, uh, the sexual encounters affect the female much more severely. Um, I don't think that that's something you could ever prove or disprove. Like that's something that I always go round and round with my wife with when somebody says, you know, it's easier for guys to lose weight. You know, I, it's like, well, you would have to be a guy. Okay. And then be a woman and then live the exact same life and eat the exact same food to really sit there and try and guess if, if whatever is easier and whatever. I mean,

I think it all kind of balances itself out as far as easy and difficult. It's like, you know, I don't know that just that whole fucking reoccurring thing that this is a bad experience, but it's worse for women. Um, or this is this experience. It's easier for guys. It's just always like, there has to be something out there where it's even, or there has to be something out there where it's worse. Or aren't they both, it's just kind of a big shit sandwich out there. And the big game is, you know, trying to block that out. Isn't it? I would actually say that, uh, the guy's pain is that we are not allowed to talk about our pain at all where you guys can have painful shit happen to you and it's okay for you literally to break

down sobbing and weeping, which is so healthy for you to get it out, to get it out of you. I mean, it doesn't get it all out of you, but it gets that, the buildup, the, the, like, you know, you have a cook oatmeal and you walk away and you leave it too high and it fucking boils over. Yeah, that shit, you can get that off. I think through crying. Like the funny thing about crying is it is a natural emotion for both men and women, but we're told that we can't do it. And it's a fucking horrible thing. It's a horrible thing. So now I'm not saying that that makes you guys have it easier, but I'm just saying that that is, that is something that I don't think that, uh, is taken into consideration. And I just feel like, you know,

every time I see that, you know, I, that's a recurrent thing, but I agree with everything else that you're saying. I guess you're probably thinking my dick now, but I'm just, I'm just saying that, you know, like, um, I don't know if you're a guy and you know, you got to cry, but you don't want to embarrass yourself. Just go take a shower. Nobody's going to notice. No one's going to hear you. And if somebody were to rip back the fucking thing, the, the, the, the shower curtain, like in psycho, you could just act like you got shampoo and you're right. Just don't start talking or else they'll realize it. But you know, just have your head under the water and just sort of look at them like, wow, I'm showering. Get away

from me. You're weirdo. Um, yeah, you can cry out a lot of childhood pain as a guy in the, in the shower without anybody knowing. All right, dear Billy, ginger nuts. Jesus Christ. Can you fucking, you know, can you come at me from a different goddamn angle? Everything's red hair, red pubes, fucking pasty. I got it. You think I haven't heard this my whole fucking life? Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, I got to hand it to you guys. You know, you have found 700 different fucking ways to attack me. Um, referring to the question raised, uh, whether it would be better to have a daughter who Jesus Christ, this fucking question really has been living on, whether it would be better to have a daughter who were a whore or a gay son who was also a whore. The best analogy I've ever

heard with respect to the whole, why is it deemed bad for a female to be a whore, but not a male is this? If you own a key that opens, opens lots of locks, then that, that is pretty cool. But if you have a lock that is opened by a lot of keys, then that is a shitty lock. You know, it would have helped if I read it better. If you own a key that opens lots of locks, that's pretty cool. But if you have a lock that is opened by a lot of keys, then that is a shitty lock. I actually, I don't like that one. I like my analogy because I'm a self centered cunt. I just think it doesn't take any fucking skill. The level, the skill level for a woman to get laid is just like, what do you have to do? Lay on your back, spread your legs. Who wants it? I'm not saying you're going to get somebody

desirable, you know, but the fucking work, we, there's something to try this one time. I told you, I did this with my wife, where you just turn the tables one night, have her hit on you. Have her come up with an opening line. You watch, you watch how much they bomb. You watch the flop sweat. They got nothing. You think you have nothing? They, when it comes to that shit, most of them are, are like, their game is where your game was when you were like 12, 13, the first few times you were trying to talk to some girl in your grade. You got nothing because you never tried it before. That's where they're at at like 35. Anyways, free Billy. Hey, there you go. Little play on the movie title. Billy four times, congrats on the completion

of your fourth special. I can't wait to watch you with my friends. We will all crowd around the TV, like one of the Roosevelt's fireside chats. Look at this person, a free Willy reference. And then it's hit me with a little bit of a depression error shit. My question to you is, how will you celebrate bees, burgers? What do the coming weeks have in store for you? Please don't say working on your next hour because no one likes a goody two shoes. Yeah, you know why? Cause you're still fucking up in your life. You know, it's funny as I opened this podcast talking about this. Um, I am going to drink, but I also, I don't want to put on the weight that I took off for this special, you know, I'm looking good for me. All right. And, uh, I actually have started

this new workout. I found this dude on, on, uh, YouTube. I fuck, I think I told you guys about him last week. This guy, uh, Frank Madrano, Frank Madrano fitness. This guy, he's a vegan and all he does is, uh, his own body weight. He's absolutely fucking shredded, shredded. So, um, I'm going to try to, you know, I've been eating a lot more vegetarian, but I still, you know, I'm one of those guys. I mean, there's no fucking way. You know, I'm still going to have a couple of stakes a month, but I'd like to try to eliminate a lot of that other, I don't know, a lot of that, you know what I, this is what I liked about eating vegetarian for two, I would try to go two days a week and it was hard man. At first you don't know what to eat. You don't know where to go. You don't

know how to make anything. It sucks. But, um, the cool thing about eating vegetarian, I would go back to back days just eating all veggie. What was great was it affected my eating the other five days because it, it really, it like resets your cravings. And I'm telling you man, like when I get into that fucking sugar, salt thing, like back in the day, man, I would go on like, I don't know, I would go on like a two and a half month bender of just eating poorly. I would still, you know, take my dog on hikes and stuff. So, and I never really let it get too bad, but in the two and a half months I put on like fucking 10 pounds, 15 pounds or something like that. Then I'm just, fuck, I gotta try to get this shit off. And that great thing about, or even just one meal a day,

if you just do it all veggie, it fucking balances you out and you stop riding that roller coaster. Sugar, salt, sugar, salt, sugar, salt. And I fucking hate going to the gym. I fuck, I don't like working out. I mean, I like it, but I don't, I don't like having to do it because I'm a tub of shit. And I can't recommend it enough if you just start eating that way. Dude, if you go veggie two days a week and you go for a walk, ride a bike or do something like that, the fat's got no way to hide. It's got no way to go. It has to fucking leave, you know, and then if you're just sort of decent the rest of the week, you know, and I tell you, you know, I still, I'll fucking, I'll crush a pizza. I'll order a fucking, I'll order a pizza in a fucking slam that I will make cupcakes

like the twinkle toes that I am. And I'll eat a bunch of those and that type of shit. But then I do the two veggie days in a row and all of that, it settles down again. Like it's almost like a fire. It doesn't get out of control. So that has been working for me. And I've been doing the pull-ups, climbing the rope and the dips and the push-ups. And I just like that type of, at this point in my life, I just like doing that better than throwing the weights around. But I'll always still like doing that because that came of age in the 80s. And that was always fun, you know, benching. So what am I going to do? I'm going to, I'm going to fucking party with the all-in guys. Smoke some cigars, but I am, I'm not a goody two shoes. What I am is I'm somebody who

fucking, I already lived a life, dude. I did all of that. Okay. And I'm too fucking old to keep, to keep putting on 15, 20 pounds and try and take them off. I don't want to look like the fucking horror show that I saw at the beach today. I don't want to be those people. All right. I don't want to be sitting here with my fucking shirt off, with my tits staring at my fucking toes, you know, eating a bag of crisps. I don't want to fucking be that guy. All right. You can do that in your 20s. Have at it. And you can wake up the next day and still fucking be in shape, but I can't do it at my age. So there you go. I don't know. I wrote a motorcycle today. That's about the dumbest fucking thing you could ever do. So is that enough for you?

Okay. Bill, will a military hurt my comedy career? Hi, Bill. I'm an 18 year old standup comedian in Atlanta, Georgia. I started when I was 17 and so far I enjoy it while it can be shitty at times. However, I've always wanted to join the military when I was young and still do to this day. I've been considering joining the army and trying to become a green beret for a long time now after I finished college. This isn't a decision I made because I played a couple of games of Call of Duty and thought it was cool. I've just always wanted to do something exciting and adventurous. I realized it is very hard to become one. Oh yeah, I watched that thing on Netflix. And that was a, that wasn't to be a green beret. That was to be

like an army ranger or something like that. I forget what it was like called like 11 days of hell. It was fucking brutal. Anyways, he said, I realized it's very hard to become one and there's a chance I might not make it, but I am pretty much training every day and still have another four years. However, if I were to pursue this goal, it would also mean I will not be able to do standup until I am about 28 or 30. I would like to continue with standup comedy once I get back, but I am worried that I might be a little too old to start by then. Any suggestions? Jesus Christ. Well, first of all, being a comedian is also an exciting life and an adventurous life. And I guess it all depends on what type of adventure that you want to have.

I mean, becoming a green beret is pretty fucking badass. And that is a very, very, very small, I guess club to be a member of. You know, so I would never say don't do that. I mean, those fucking guys, I mean, if they're unbelievable, they're fucking unreal. I mean, those stupid action movies, these actors flipping over cars and everything. I mean, the true action, like those Navy SEALs, the green berets, the army rangers, I mean, those guys are fucking unbelievable. So I mean, that's a, I gotta be honest with you, I don't, you know, I don't see any regret on either one of those because I would just whatever, whatever one you want to do more,

I would look, the great thing is you got four years to get through college before you have to make this decision. So I would continue doing standup. I continue doing your workout. And, you know, in four years, just figure out, you know, you got four years to figure out which one you want to do, but I can't give you advice like that as far as your 28 or 30. Yeah, I mean, that's later than most of you, but you're already doing it now and you can also do it all the way through college. And there's nothing stopping you from doing it while you're in the military on your, your, your weekends off or some shit like that. All right, let's just say, if you actually got into the military and you didn't get out until you were 28 or 30, I would say

if that's the situation you were in, what I would do is I would just look at comedians that started late and made it. And that's who I would focus on. I've always done that. I didn't always do that. I learned to do that. So I stayed positive. You know what I mean? And it really is like the business that I'm in, the worst thing that you can do is give, you know, the other people the power mentally to just be like, well, I'm too old, they don't want me. You start thinking that way, then they don't. You just fucking, you go out there, you do your shit. And it's, it's really, uh, it, yeah, like even the way you're looking at this and the way I just realized this now, like it's not, what the fuck, can you not walk on a stage and

take a mic out of a mic stand at 28 or 30? You're going to be a goddamn green beret. Jesus Christ, you're probably repelling from a fucking helicopter and come through the ceiling. Course you can. Of course you can, you can fucking do it because what it really is, is what you're doing then is you're becoming an artist. Um, and then all that is, is that's just your own personal journey and you're just trying to keep becoming a better artist and all that other fucking crap, um, comes, you know, and if you just keep working on yourself and trying to get better and better and better and better, eventually you become undeniable and they got to let you in. That's basically what it is. Or you just go out and you make your own shit and who gives a fuck

and then they'll come over to you. Hey, what are you making over there? I'm making this stuff. Okay, we'd like to be involved. All right. What's the deal? Well, we're going to own it. Hey, go fuck yourself. Oh, okay. Um, it's been my experience. Yeah, dude. So you got four years. So I would, I would continue working out and keep doing the stand up and four years, four years is a long time when you're only 18 years old. So, uh, see what you think in the end, but, uh, those are two very noble, um, you know, uh, uh, goals to try to achieve. Uh, I'm not going to lie to you. I watched that 11 days of hell and just, I mean, I was just wondering if, if, you know, just to see if I can make it through it, if got to be mentally tough enough,

forget about physically the mental wear down of those fucking guys yelling at you and the impossible situations that they put you in both as an individual and then in the group dynamic it's just, it's unbelievable. 11 straight fucking days of that. Um, I would love to do that, but I, I don't, I don't know. I'm enough of a fucking psycho. I wouldn't need to, to, uh, to be in the military if you know what I mean, you know, especially when we're at war. The last fucking thing I need to do is break one of the only commandments I haven't broken yet. I don't know that I would come back. I don't know that I'm mentally strong enough that if I went to that fucking place that I could somehow come back, uh, I don't know. I'm, I'm out

of my fucking mind. So I, I have a tremendous amount of respect for anybody who successfully becomes a soldier and can handle the demands that I put on you. All right. Okay. Here we go. Catholic girlfriend. Hey, Aaron Burr, sorry if that history reference was a little too high brow. Oh, you, what do you mean high brow? Like you'd be like, I don't know who that is. What high brow, you know what, I'm not even going to take that person because you can be making fun of the listeners or making fun of yourself. I have no fucking idea. Um, I love Aaron Burr and he was right. Okay. And Hamilton's a cunt. He knew what he was getting himself involved in and he fucking lost fucking cry baby. Now he's on the $10 bill and where's

Aaron Burr? Everybody hates him cause he won. You know, he's like the original Kobe. Um, sorry if that history reference was a little too high brow, but Aaron Burr was essentially the biggest cunt in the early United States history, small world, right? I would love to hear you justify that he was. He was one of the biggest cunts. How about the people out there who are committing genocide on the native Americans? What did he do? He was a dick at dinner parties, agreed to have a duel and had the fucking balls to walk out there and he wins cause Hamilton was cheating. He fucking quick, whatever they did, they quick cocked his fucking gun. So when he brought it up, it was already, he did some,

he tried to do some little shady fucking move before he brought it up straight. It fired. So fuck him. I'm fucking real. I'm fucking real. Do you realize if Aaron Burr fucking lost, he would be on the $10 bill and then you would have said that Hamilton's the biggest cunt. Who the fuck would you be? Do you be talking to that guy in the Rangers? Um, anyways, I've been seeing this girl for around six months now and I'm seriously nuts about her. I love spending time with her and can see this relationship even leading to a ring in a few years. Oh, congratulations. But the big problem for me is we're not having sex. She's very religious, which does not, oh,

she's very religious, which does not bother me because she doesn't care that I'm not ostensibly. I don't even know what the fuck that means. You know what? Why don't I look that word up? You guys, we want me to take a guess here? Even though I'm not ostensibly, you know, I can't even guess what the fuck that means. What does that mean? You go twice a year? Can I even spell it? Uh, stens... Well, there it is. It figured it out. Thank you, computer. Apparently or purportedly, but perhaps not actually. You know what? Go for it. This is just what? Why do you try to become smart when that's the fucking answer?

You know, that's a great line to give a cop. You've been drinking tonight, apparently, or purportedly, but perhaps not actually. Fuck it. Flashlight to the head. To all outward appearances. Okay. So I guess that's a fancy way of saying apparently. Is this guy a hipster and he's sick of all the hipsters saying apparently? Apparently. Where am I? Because she does not... Wait, let me read this now. Now that I just learned what ostensibly means, which, okay. But the big problem for me is we're not having sex. She's very religious, which doesn't bother me because she doesn't doesn't care that I'm not ostensibly.

And I have to go back and look it up again. I don't understand what this means to all outward appearances. You're not religious. Is this like some fancy way of saying that you're mysterious? Anyways, it's her choice and it didn't bother me for a while, but I guess my fucking hormones are starting to get the better of me. We're both in college right now and come from different backgrounds. She does community service and I'm a frat shithead. I'd break it off if I didn't feel as strongly about her as I do, but I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with my most intimate partner being porn hub and a bottle of lotion. Should I tell her how I feel or just quit being a

selfish bastard? Selfish bastard? Are my concerns normal or am I being a cunt? First of all, you're not a frat shithead if you actually have empathy as far as the stereotype goes. You're actually a very mature person. You seem like you know what you have and you don't want to lose it. How do you say I respect your religious views, but how does the bearded baby feel about it, the occasional hand job over there? Does she know that you're watching? I tell you, it's not a good thing to only be watching porn and not having sex with somebody. I don't know. Are you starting to become more of a serial killer? I have no idea. Hey, Nia. You know what? I gotta bring Nia in for this one.

I gotta bring her in for this one. Hang on one second. Let me hit pause here. How do I hit pause? All right. The lovely Nia, everybody. Hello. All right. Here we go. Here is the question. So this kid, he's basically, I'm going to paraphrase here so the listeners don't have to listen to it again. He's got a Catholic girlfriend. She's very religious. Just pull the microphone back. You're breathing into it there. Sorry. Sorry. I think I had it turned up too much. Anyways, you know, this Catholic girl, very religious, does not want to have sex before marriage. Okay. And he's saying, you know, they've been together for a while. He loves her, spent

a time with her. He can see actually giving her a ring in a couple of years. But the big problem is they're not having sex. She's very religious. He's not religious, but she doesn't care. He said it's her choice and, you know, to not have sex and it didn't bother me for a while. But I guess my fucking hormones are starting to get the better of me. We're both in college right now and I come from different backgrounds. She does community service and I'm a frat boy shithead or a frat shithead. He said, I break it off if I didn't feel as strongly about her as I do, but I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with my most intimate partner being porn hub and a bottle of lotion. Should I tell her how I feel or just quit being a selfish bastard? Are my concerns

normal or am I being a cunt? No, you're not being a cunt. I think he's actually being really great. That's what I thought. Yeah. I mean, you should definitely tell your girlfriend, but be prepared. But don't. How does he do it? Because what I would, what I would, if I was in that situation, I would try to say, you know, it's, you know, it's just a hand job. It's just a handy, just a handy man. No, I think he should tell her how he's feeling. But I would just walk out with my, are you going to keep interrupting me? Can you help me out? That sounds like something you would do, actually. And she'd laugh. No, I mean, you tell her how you feel, but don't frame it in the context like I'm

fucking dying over here. What are you doing to me? Oh my God. Don't make it like a guilt trip. Just say, just, just so you know, I'm, I'm really having a hard time with this because I love you so much and I really want to have sex with you, but I know you don't want to. I don't want to pressure you. Should I say make love rather than sex? Well, however you want to frame it. Make love is gross. No, it's not. Is it? It's gross. Make love. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. That's gross. It's just, it's very like old fashioned. It's like what you say when you're trying to like be nice about it or something, you know? Yeah. Fuck. You don't want to say that. That's my favorite line in the movie. What? Tim Robbins and Bull Durham. We don't fuck a what.

Is that where that's from? Yeah. Um, but yeah, just, just tell her. And the thing is, she probably feels the same way. She might be frustrated too. Allure. Allure. Put her on a new. Uh, knee has been listening. Give me that Becky. Uh, she's been listening to this Southern rap. Oh, both white and black people in the South, they pronounce in certain words, they just pronounce the beginning with first couple of letters. Yeah, you drop off. Like, if it, if a word, it has like two like syllables, you gotta just do the first one. Sound on a new. But anyway, yeah, just, just, just be honest with her about it. But, but just, you know, make it clear that she knows how much you love and respect her. And

that's, that's all you can do. But how does he do it without her feeling pressure? She might feel pressure. She probably already feels pressure from society or whatever. So, you know, she's already feeling the pressure, but he just, should he sit there and be like, listen, I'm not trying to put any pressure on you. I'm just telling you where I'm at. Because if he keeps going to porn, what happens is with porn is you have to keep going further and further and further down the fucking hallway. And when they finally have sex, she's going to be like, what, what do you want me to do? You know, she's going to be freaked out because that's the other thing. You watch too much porn

and like porn becomes like your reality about what everyday relationship sex is. No, there's all kinds. And it's like, it's, I don't know. I mean, obviously it can't be for everybody, but it's like, be careful with that porn shit because it's awesome, but it'll really like put you on another planet if you're not careful about it. And you just start thinking like people should be performing like porn stars and you should be performing like porn stars and you should be able to do all these crazy shit. These people are paid to have sex. That's their job. That's not your job. So just, just, I don't know, just be careful with that. I just feel like it's like, what the fuck is he supposed to do though? This is the thing.

Keep masturbating. Yeah, I know. Thank God porn wasn't around when I was fucking that age. Jesus Christ. How did you watch porn at that age? You like sneak old VCR tapes from your older brother? Dude, nobody had a porno in my house. No fucking way. We had one VCR in the family room. Fucking watch it. It was impossible. I used to sneak and watch. Do you remember Emanuel? It was like the soft core like Cinemax show. It was like from Europe. It was from Europe. And it was all like soft lighting and it was all about this girl and Emanuel who would have these like sexy adventures. Like she's going on a train to Paris and then like she looks over and

you know, she and the guy like bang and the fucking, I don't know, caboose. Literally and figuratively. No, the first time I saw a porno, a buddy of mine had it. Buddy of mine got one. And we were all on our way out and like five of us just sat there and watched it. Yeah. And then just got up and went out and drank like 17. I watched a porn at a sleepover, but we were like in eighth grade or something. Like she still lived from her dad and it was like a seventies porn. And so it was just gross. Like everyone's hairy and it was just the sky. Like it wasn't the one that I saw. I was freaking me out. The one that I saw, I swear to God, I swear to God this happened. Okay. The dude who was,

he was working at a restaurant, you know, and he was getting laid and he's fucking everybody and they had this fucking old ugly lady comes in and was giving him shit. You know, make the chicken sandwich and I want extra mayo on it. Oh God. Oh no. No, this is even worse. Instead of just having the guy jerk off on the fucking sandwich, I swear to God, you know, a rotisserie chicken. Yeah. You know, you can just buy one that's already made. Yeah. He fucked it. Oh my God. This wasn't a porno. Yeah. What's see nowadays that that would have been considered bestiality. No, it was considered like they were trying to be fun. It was and they were trying to be like funny because they played like this wacky music when he was doing it. Right. And I

was like, you gotta understand, I had never seen a fucking porno and it went like the first time you saw it, especially back then where it was like, like the most overtly like sexual thing, like when I was a kid was Brooke Shields with the one button on a shirt. Right. I went from that to watching people actually fucking and then this dude stuck his dick in a chicken. That's disgusting. Remember when we went to go see that? What's that Quentin Tarantino? It was Grind House. It was like the two movies and then in between they had the fake trailers and one of them was thug scouring. Yeah. And then they show that quick little like two second thing at the end of it with a guy like fucking a turkey. Remember it and everyone in the movie that it went, oh,

because they just threw it in like super quick. I would not be surprised if they got that idea from that very porno that you watch. Yeah, because because I think Eli Roth directed that like trailer that fake trailer or something. But yeah, that's disgusting. Yeah, like back then and I remember like the video, then after that, the video store came out and then the video store, it had the back room with ours that had those so funny. They had these saloon doors. You had to walk through and get into the back room and there wasn't. I remember being like a beaded curtain in some areas. Like that was like the sexy area was where the beaded curtain was. It was so early on. I don't think that there was categories. They just had porno. Right. It was all straight porn.

Yeah, growing up in a suburb, right? It was just all straight porn. There was no, there was no like categories like, you know, whatever fucking doggy style ones or, or like, or like, it's more like, I feel like it's like race or like sexual identity, like Asian porn, Asian or ebony bondage, blah, blah, blah. It was just, it was just people fucking on camera. That's all it was. It was a man and a woman fucking or a man and two women fucking or two guys fucking a woman and that was in the occasional. And then the chicken thing was a bit like it was supposed to be this funny thing. And it was funny because it was the first one I ever saw. Like, I was sitting like, what the fuck, right? But then I was also psyched because I actually saw some,

I actually saw a porno, a woman getting banged and shit. And it wasn't until years later. I think I was hanging out. I was still living with Bobby Kelly and we were talking about the first porno. They're the first pornos that we saw. I remember telling that and he was just going, what? And I go, dude, I swear to God, he goes, what was the name? Like, I don't know what the name of it was. My buddy just had it. I bet you know, you know, who would know, you know, who would know the answer to it is David. He would know. I bet if you asked him or if we tweeted him and said, do you remember ever seeing a porno from circa whatever year that is? And a guy, I bet he would know it. You realize you just blew up his Twitter account. All right, we're going to end

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page and type in Burr. B-U-R-R. That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. That was a pretty good read, huh? Yeah, you're getting better at those. I'm still fucking up, but I'm getting better. Dilemma. Hey, Bill, would you rather be morbidly obese to the point where just walking around is exhausting? No. I'm talking over 350 pounds and you weren't allowed to lose the weight. I love that you already answered. Or would you rather be stuck in prison for the rest of your life? Oh God, stuck in prison. Really? That's how shallow I am. It's hilarious. I feel like though, if you're 350 pounds or whatever. That's my fault, by the way. I'm not good with the mixture. Oh, okay. It's like you're already in prison. You're imprisoned in your own

body. I think they're both prisons, aren't they? Yeah, I mean they are, but I mean it's like, oh, I see what you mean. No, no, I'm agreeing with you. Yeah. You just had a nice little metaphor there and I ruined it. Um, would I rather be obese or be in prison for the rest of my life? It's a no brainer. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'd rather, yeah. Yeah, but I can't lose weight. Just think of how fun you'd have getting that fat. That's the thing. It would be really fun to just be like eating all the good shit that you can't have in prison. They don't have good food there. So maybe I would rather be obese. I don't know. Jesus Christ. Do you imagine somebody obese listening to this right now? They're basically, you are basically saying, gee, I would rather be

in prison for the rest of my life than be you. I definitely would rather be. It's not about your personality. You know what? And this is a silly like objective thing that's never gonna happen. So we can talk about it and people shouldn't get offended by it. You can get on a plane with your two seats and your giant seat belt and you can fly anywhere in the fucking world and go get even fatter, right? Do you have to buy two seats if you're like over a certain weight? What's the weight requirement now? Yeah, but whatever it is, like Kevin Smith is over it, right? Cause that's how, why he got, he had that whole problem with JetBlue or Southwest because they thought Southwest, Southwest cause they were like, yeah, you need to buy two seats. I didn't think he was that big

though. Like two seats big? I don't know. I've never met him. I met him. He wasn't two seats big when I saw him. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe they're just being dicks. Look, the only time Southwest is it, Southwest is a great airline, but I don't like, uh, I don't like all the jokes that they tell. I get it that they're trying to make it lighten it up and we're the cool company, but it's like, my life is in your hands right now. And I would, I would pilot, you mean? I thought you meant the stewards and the stewards. Even that. I don't like it. I don't like it either. I've kind of, because this is what I find. I find when you go in someplace, if the person at the top is doing their job right, everybody beneath is also in line and they come off like they're

out of line. Okay. It's like the vibe on a Southwest flight is that there's a substitute teacher. I don't like that. You know what I mean? I like, I like feeling like shit is in order. You know? Have you seen on Virgin Airlines that, um, their safety video is like this full scale music video production? I hate that fucking thing. There's like a little kid that raps into, there's like a little Asian girl that raps a little black kid that's wearing a suit that's like, and there's break dancers. And you can't get away from it. It's a whole, you can't get away from it. I was actually like, I was actually finding myself happy for the people that were in the view that they were got work and exposure on this level. I was impressed by it. I was like,

how much money does Richard Branson have? He really made, I hate the mood light. And they have, and they have a behind the mute, like a behind the scenes video of how they made the thing on it. So what are you saying? You hate the mood lighting wear on Virgin? Why? What do you mean? You walk on, you just look like you're gonna get an STD when you get on the fucking thing. I love Virgin Airlines. I love it. I don't mind it. Like Virgin's cool. I don't, I, JetBlue is cool. JetBlue is good. You get to watch ESPN the whole way across the country. I like that. Yeah, I like being able to watch all my stupid like Bravo Real Housewives. I've only, only airline I really don't fucking like other than the just the crazy ones that I used

to fly when I was starting out like that. Was it ATA or some shit? Oh, I don't know. All, all trans, something trans there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know any airlines? I've flown that don't even fucking exist anymore at this point. Just got swallowed up. I flew people's express in the 80s. What is that? It was like the precursor to Value Jet, man. It was fucking shady. I remember Value Jet. Yeah. They had that fire. Unfortunately. You know what? I'm sorry. I need to go back. I'm, I would rather be obese. Eastern airline? My, but yeah, my mom used to work for Eastern. She used to fly, she used to be. TWA. Yeah. Northwest. None of these exist anymore? None of them. They either got bought out or they went out of business. Wait, can we go back?

They used to fly Frank's airline? Can we go back to that sounds like, like a corner store, like a place, like a deli, like a deli. Yeah. I think I would rather, I made that up. I would rather be obese and free than in exactly. And can we apologize to people who are overweight? Yeah. And you know what? Absolutely. You know, we're not apologizing. We're in the age of apologizing. Take a fucking joke. Fatty, but you and your fat shaving, but you know what? The fat shame and what? Shame, shame, shame. I want to send the fat people. Shame on you. Is such a fucked up industry that I would not want to get off you fucking. No, I wouldn't get off you. I wouldn't want to be, I wouldn't want to be in prison. That was, that was a stupid answer. I said that.

That was my vain answer. We got it. But I admit that. Hey, I want to, I want to start a new segment on here where I fat shame somebody every week because I, because I make it work. Why don't you shame other people too? Can you shame, like just shame? Can I finish? Across the board? Can I finish here? Sure. So the jingles gonna say that chain of fools where they go, chain, chain, chain. I'm gonna go, shame, shame, shame. Shame on you. I don't know. Then I'll have somebody sing the high part. You ate those cupcakes. You really are just going to go with this idea. No, you're not. Yeah, yeah. We are. Wait, I want to show that. They used to do that on news. They used to do this. Remember, and they'd have this like

graphic of a finger pointing and it was the reporters. I would be like, they would go up to like slum lords. Did they use the song? No, they had their own, they had their own little like jingle. But I'm telling you is that they, yeah, they would like burst into places and say, I hear, you know, we hear that you're charging customers for bup, bup, bup, bup. And don't you think that's wrong? And they'd have to like get the owners to try to like fess up. That's right. And then the graphic will come and be a boom. Yeah. And it was like, it was a, it was a finger like wagging. And that was it. That was it. I don't know if there's religious nuts out there that can try to like make gay people straight. And they're trying to show like that they think that that works.

Right. Aren't I kind of like those people where I think shaming. I've actually had, I've had. That's what they do on the biggest loser. I thought when they scream at them and make them cry and make them puke. I can't believe somebody just hasn't dropped up a heart attack. I know. They've been writing articles about that show and how it's really fucked up. You know, I, I used to watch it all the time because I was like, I found it motivating. And you'd sit there and cry with them and I would laugh. And you did a bit about it, I remember. Cause that's, that's what you were talking about. How like they had so much fun. Like they're living the life. They're the, they're the real rock stars.

Cause while you're sitting there like, you know, eating salads and having to work out, they're just like doing whatever they want and living the life. Oh my God. That's right. That was a while. That was a while ago when you did that bit, but I used to love that show. After a while I was like, all right, I get it. I get it. I'm over it. But no, I really, I really liked it, but people have a serious problem. I thought the woman left the show because she was sick of just, she was sick of them sweating all over. She made her money. I think she's back. I think that last season she's been back. She left for a little bit. Everybody's back. Yeah. This business is shrinking by the day. There was a really hot black guy that's on there.

All the movie stars are doing TV shows now. I know. I want to watch that Halle Berry TV show that I need to watch the pilot just commercials. And so people are grabbing every dime they can get before my business turns into what the music industry did. Do you realize how fucking lucky I am that I can, I actually have a live show that I can go on the road? How lucky I am. Thank fucking Christ. But do you think like live shows are going to be something of the past? Cause it's like, they've been going on forever and ever. No, no, no. I think people always want to do that. I mean, maybe they'll, uh, you know, be funny as if, as if somehow like, what do they call those things?

They did that creepy thing with Tupac and Michael Jackson. Oh, the hologram shit that they're doing like at Coachella and like award shows where like, yeah, all of a sudden Tupac shows up and does like his entire discography. There's a bunch of people tripping their balls off. I know, right? And people, you'd hear people when you see footage on YouTube, people be like, I knew it. I knew it was alive. I knew it. And then they're like, oh wait, it's a hologram. Well, I would never say that that wouldn't happen, but I would think at some point you're going to want to leave the house. You're going to want to have to leave the fucking house. But I, I got to be honest with you. What are you talking about? I'm like live shows of people

like live shows would stop. I will tell you this though. I love that movie. I did walk of shame how at this, it's simultaneously released on a theater. Yeah. I fucking like, I would see more movies if I could just sit on my ass here and pop in Godzilla or some shit like that. I definitely would. And Godzilla is something that I didn't go see. But if I was sitting at home, I would fucking watch that shit. We still need to go see Maleficent. Is it still in the movie theater? I want to see that movie. Yeah, I did. And now I don't. I was back because they stopped showing commercials and I stopped giving a shit. Like I was into it. Like they got me. They had me hooked and I'll go see that Alice in Wonderland looking evil witch shit. I'll go see that. Snow

white. Snow white in the seven dwarfs. Right. It's about the evil queen. But yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, it's her perspective. And Angelina is the she's she's Maleficent. She's the queen. And we had her wrong the whole time. Well, we get to understand what happened to her and the whole bit and why she's that way and this and that. Can I tell you something about that evil witch? She's a childhood. You tell me about it because her childhood was a long time ago. Okay. At some point, it happens in your 30s. Okay, you have to stop taking your childhood out on people and you've got to fucking man up. Okay, so that's what I would say to that which okay, can we please go see this movie so we can talk about it then.

As she's standing there stirring her fucking steel fucking pot. What the hell she's doing with bad heads in it. Cauldron. All right. Listen, this podcast is going on and on and on and on. We got it. We got to wrap it up. We got to wrap it up. All right, this is this has been the Monday morning podcast. Thank you weather. Say thanks for everybody for listening. Thanks everybody. Seriously, who came out to my standup special, you can tell I'm pretty fucking burned out from the whole weekend. I really appreciate it. I had a great time going down that land is such a great comedy city and yeah, I had a great fucking time. So that's it. I'm going to work on the new hour. Hopefully I'll have enough of that shit together by the time the special comes out. I'll let you

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