Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-25-15

Episode Date: June 26, 2015

Bill rambles about Fresno, 9 millimeters and LAY-DEEZ on money there.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday afternoon. Just checking in on you. How's it going? How's your week going? Oh, you having a bad one? What's the matter, huh? Did they switch out the water bubbler? Did they bring in a different one? I think the water tasted better. You know, I like all waters. I don't like Dasani. Is that what it's called? I don't like Evian. Evian takes weird a man. I don't know all those models on TV. They always swear by that. I think it takes weird. All right. I am in the middle of this fucking nameless tour. The tour that does in and me and Joe Bartnick. If I do say so myself, we I'm doing

this on the I'm sitting on the fucking bus because the goddamn room isn't ready. It's got shut down, right? I came in fucking trying to walk in like I was some sort of big shot. Like I could check in at 130. They're like, I'm sorry, sir. Check in is at three. Go fuck yourself. And I was like, but wait a minute. I'm the dance and clown at the casino tonight. I was hoping I could bring in my unicycle a little bit early. Sir, get the fuck out of our hotel. We don't want to see you until three o'clock. And I was like, oh, okay. I need to get some sort of Ruben Kincaid, some sort. I don't want to fucking tour manager. It's just somebody else you have to talk to, you know, deal with this shit. Why is the engine

getting louder? I don't fuck. Can you hear it? It's going to be this hum in the background. You don't have to fucking deal with that. I don't fucking know. Anyways, so me and Joe Bartnick were, um, we did Portland Sacramento, Reno, uh, San September rather, the wine country. Then we did San Jose and then we did Fresno. And last night we did Bakersfield and Joe Bartnick left today on the tour. He, uh, had to go to the airport. He's flying to Pittsburgh because him and Paul Verzi are doing an all in date in Pittsburgh, which is why Joe is flying to Pittsburgh. So if you guys are around, it's the D V E comedy festival. Um, some of my great friends in this business are at that radio station. They did

a lot for me over the years. Uh, Randy Bowman and all those guys. Um, and, uh, the fuck am I talking about here? Yeah, go check out their show if you get a chance. Sorry, there's humming in the background. He's fucking driving me up the wall here. So anyways, I forgot to tell you guys his story last week. So we're in Reno, right? Fucking Reno. And, uh, I told you, I have a bunch of drunks there or a lot of drunks or whatever mixed in with a bunch of great people. And, uh, so afterwards I'm whoring myself out, right? I'm whoring myself out. I'm fucking signing the posters, shaking hands, kissing babies, doing all that shit. And this fucking dude reaches in, he goes, it's okay if I get a picture. It's just

like, yeah, I just fucking, I'm taking him with everybody. Well, I'm just going to say you can't have one. Maybe he's just being polite, but you know, just get on with it. You already know the cell phone is going to take for fucking ever. I really miss disposable cameras. That was just a little crank and then point shoot and it was done. You know, you press the fucking photo on the cell phone thing. It takes like, you know, like nine hours and then also then they look at it. They go, I'm not blurry. Let me do it again. No, that isn't right. Like, can we also take landscape? Do you mind if I was to get a selfie? Can I take one with this fucking camera? Even though I just got one with the other camera

and I have the technology to send it to that other camera. Can I do it with that camera? So I'm dealing with all of that shit. So this fucking guy comes up and he's like, uh, can I get a picture? I say, yeah, obviously, you know, I'm a fucking whore. You can do whatever you want or myself out here. So he reaches into his fucking jacket and all of a sudden plot, just this fucking sound of metal and plastic, a fucking nine millimeter that he had on him drops down onto the ground. The security guy is like two feet away facing the guy who just dropped the gun, but he's on his iPhone texting or selecting something in the guy. I just go, I go, dude, what the fuck? And he's like, oh shit, right? We both

said the same thing, both said both of that at the same time. He picks it up and I'm like, do you have a license to carry that thing? And he goes, yeah, yeah, I'm in law enforcement. And I was like, all right. And then he just sort of walked out and then I say to the security guy, go, I go, dude, did you just see that? And he goes, what? I said, the guy just fucking dropped a nine millimeter on the ground, right in front of reaching against camera. It just fell right down on the ground. And the security guy goes, oh, she's lucky. I didn't see that. Swear to God. It was like a line from a sitcom. He's lucky. I didn't see that. It's like, dude, it almost landed on your fucking foot. You know, you get so zoned out by these smartphones.

And then I'm thinking about myself like, wait a minute, Bill, this guy, you don't know him from Adam. He reaches into his coat and dropped the gun. How do you know he wasn't reaching in to point it at you? You should have kicked it, tipped him over and fucking as he bent down, push him over and then picked it up or ran instead of being like, oh, do you have a license for that? Like I'm some sort of authority. So it's just so hope the night just going like, what a fucking moron I am. And this cop later told me goes, no, he actually did the right thing. You know, you stayed calm, you blah, blah, blah. So it's like, yeah, I did the right thing because staying calm and he and he wasn't a psycho. I don't

know, whatever. Now I have to learn how to fucking do that. What to do if somebody's nine millimeter falls in the fucking ground. Bottom line is even though he was a cop, he wasn't allowed to bring that in there on the casino property because I think it was owned by Native Americans or something. Maybe that's why I have no idea, but he wasn't allowed to bring it in there. So they, they chased him down. And that was that's my Reno story. But my fucking Reno story, Janet Reno. So anyways, so Bartnick left fucking blows. But Lai had comes in. So basically, you know, Bartnick is pitching like six and two thirds. You know, we got a two run lead. He just walked a runner and now we went to the bullpen. We're bringing

in lawhead, right? He's got his relief pitcher beard and he's coming in and he's going to be finishing this out. So the lovely Nia is riding along with me out to Vegas. So we're having a good time. It was funny, man. We just picked her up because we were coming back from, you know, Bakersfield, which what a fucking great town that is. And so's Fresno, by the way, Fresno is a great time. All those, those goddamn shows had me so freaking out about Fresno. They never talk anything good about Fresno. But anytime you watch a first 48 or something about gangs or going to prison or some shit, you can't watch any of those for more than three minutes before they bring up, bring up Fresno. You know, they're always

like Fresno, California, picking apples is usually a fun thing for the family, but not in Fresno, right? And then they cut to some gangbanger who's got like a bandana on his head and went over and all you can see is his eyes. And they got his voice all muffled. It'd be, you know, in Fresno, California, you'd be picking out for a dollar pool, bust a cap in your ass. I've been banging since eight, I was eight years old. I like, there's nothing like the rust of putting a gun up to somebody's dome. For fucking the fucking that the whole goddamn thing is that, and I would say what I feel about that, but I don't need the fucking problems. Anyways, anytime they show those gangbangers,

it's like, do they ever have a good day? Didn't Ice Cube write a song? You know, I had a good day. I didn't even have to use my AK. You know, Jesus Christ, they're always fucking. I mean, you know, I saw a thing one time where they said, you know, this, there's people in gangs in Los Angeles, they're like three miles from the ocean and they've never seen it because they can't get out of the neighborhoods like because they got to go through some other gangs territory and the risk is too high. It's like, dude, just fucking drive through it like eight in the morning, nine in the morning. Everybody's asleep, right? You slung your fucking crack all night. You know, you banged your woman. You fucking, you know,

you gave your pit bull a bath. You're going to bed. A couple of 40s in a blunt. That's you're not up at eight 30. You drive through. That's the time when the decent people are getting up who are trying to get out of that fucking area. It's at night, you know, when the second shift comes in, those guys who you end up seeing on those fucking channels. You're hardly three miles from the beach. I've never seen that shit. It's even more distorted. I never, I've never been to the beach. I've never seen that's more Batman. I don't know what the fuck it is. I was having fun with that. But then I go to Fresno, right? I think it's just going to be pit bull neck tattoos and I am going to get fucking just

jumped, you know, and I went there and I ended up going to a Chili's restaurant. I had a very nice waitress who actually had a quote from Walt Disney tattooed on her arm. You know, don't be afraid to dream something, something and probably something anti-Semitic about the Jews. She probably left that out and then it was Walt Disney, right? And then I ordered a, you know, piece of mango chicken with some steamed broccoli and rice and there was no incident. You know, I wasn't in there going while this is comfortable and then a whole motorcycle gang came up. Although, you know, it's funny was during the show, they had this sign like I actually, when we were in Reno, we took a picture of that iconic sign in Reno

that says the, you know, the biggest little town in America or something like that. So Fresno has a sign like that too. And I wanted to get a picture underneath that one. Bakersfield has one. These are like all old school towns before they built the five freeway that went by all of that. Like he had like, you know, when you drove into a new town, they had the name of the town. They were all proud of it and shit. I think it's really cool. That's part of that, you know, just that shit that doesn't exist anymore. Like if I was mayor of a town, I would commission work. We got to raise money. We got to have one of those signs. You know what I mean? Some cute little quaint fucking welcome to this town, especially

if people just drive through like farm, you know, all farming land and all of a sudden you come into town. It's exciting when you see it. It's really fucking cool for me anyways, but I'm a fucking nerd. So we go, I'm on stage saying, yeah, me and Bartek, you know, we got a picture of that Reno sign and we want this, this is the Fresno show. I'm like, yeah, you know, we want to go down there and get a picture underneath whatever the Fresno sign says. And somebody in the crowd like 40 rows back just goes, do not go down there. And people only kind of laughed. And I was like, Jesus Christ, he said it like, like he was my dad, you know, and that was like his gun safe. Do not go in, you know, don't wave this fucking

thing around. So there is obviously some truth to it. But, uh, you know, where I was staying in Fresno, it was really nice. And, uh, I played this amazing theater. Of course, I want to forget the name of the fucking thing. I keep because it sounded too close to like the Werner Theater, which all of them were called either that or the Pantages. It used to be called a Pantages, the Pantages Theater. And back in the day before there was the five, it was, they would do a bunch of movie premieres there. So, um, you know, they, everybody from like John Wayne, Humphrey Bogart, all of these people had gone there for movie. It was a vaudeville theater. And then it turned into a movie house, which is what all of these theaters, like these older ones that you play,

that's like their history. It was a vaudeville theater. And then it became a movie house. And then somewhere in the sixties and seventies, if it doesn't become a rock venue, it becomes like a porno house. And then there was discussion to tear it down. And then somebody rich or somebody who gives a fuck about old stuff raises money to, um, you know, uh, refurbish the thing. So this thing didn't become a porno house. It became a rock house. And what I found, which was really cool was ACDC with Bond Scott had played there. And, uh, the owner was really cool. And, uh, he offered to give us like this, this whole tour of it. Of course, I didn't have fucking time to do it. Um, but they had this amazing organ there that was between the crowd and the, uh,

the people. I guess they were going to tear it down or something. Somebody bought it just because they wanted the organ or something like that. I don't know. There's a bunch of crazy stories in there. But, um, so anyways, downstairs, everybody, all those old school movie stars had signed the wall like all the Warner's theater, W, A, R, N, O, R, S is where it performed. And John Wayne, Humphrey Bogart, all of these old school stars had signed this wall throughout the years. It was priceless. So when this guy, evidently, who bought the theater, because he just wanted the organ organ or something like that, like he wanted to fix the place up, you know, you know where the story's going, right?

So he wants to get the place painted and he hires like a fucking relative to do it on the cheap. And the guy or the lady, whatever went down there was a guy who was a fucking guy. He goes down. This is seventies. Women weren't even allowed out of the house at that point, right? So he fucking goes down there and he paints over the whole fucking thing. So the guy showed me, he goes behind this wall is, uh, is all, is all the signatures and they're trying to figure out a way you know, it's almost like paint archeology to strip off that layer of paint and get down to the signatures because they are underneath there. And, uh, you know, I'm totally into that shit. So I told the guys, Hey, if you ever want to do a benefit, you know, I'll donate some money or

I'll come up and do a show or something because, uh, I think that's cool as shit. You know, like there's a, there's a house in the next town over, um, from where I live on somebody during prohibition, this old house had built this in the, in the cabana out by the pool had just built a bar and I guess that person was famous. So they knew all these famous people and he'd have them all carve their names into the bar and it still exists. And it's like a historical thing. So if you buy the house, you're not allowed to do anything to the bar. I mean, you can use the bar, but you can't, uh, you know, remove it, destroy it or anything like that. But like they, they did, they have

everybody, like everybody from like Louis Armstrong to, uh, James Cagney and all that fucking anybody who drank back then carved their names into the bar. So I like that shit. You might think I'm a nerd. You might think I'm a douchebag, uh, but I'm into all of that type of shit. You know, I am. I'm weird. I like fucking old cars, man. And I want to get that Ford Galaxy. I'm going to do that. Fuck it. Right. The fuck else am I going to do? Um, so anyways, old freckles here, me and Barton had killed it, both on stage and off. We went to the gym, like every day I go to the gym every day. It's just become pop me life. And if you don't want a big thing where you go to the gym every day, we really mean it. Um, I have done an hour of

cardio every fucking day for the last seven days, the last seven days, um, and switching up sometimes the ellipticals, sometimes the fucking, uh, treadmill, but I've been doing that. I've been doing my pull-ups, been doing my push-ups and old fatty cake, fatty cakes here is, uh, starting to come off, man. I got fucked up last year when I was in the writer's room doing the efforts for family, which is coming out in December as he plugs away here. Um, I just got it, you know, I got into that and you start to write when you sit in a writer's room all day, there's nothing more exciting than fucking lunch. You'd be on fucking excited other than the fact when you figure out how to make the story work. The only thing second to that is lunch and it's a very, you know,

it's a photo finish. And, uh, you know, I started off eating healthy and then next thing you know, we had Frito Fridays and then, you know, you know, you're in a writer's room. You start eating like a fucking truck driver. So I put on that weight and that was October, November, and then the holidays came around and then the Rose Bowl. So that was completely fucked. And then I, then I started like, Oh, I'm going to work out. I'm going to work out when I started singing the gym song. And then I did the Australia fucking Asia thing. And of course I got to try every beer and fucking Vegemite sandwich and dumplings and all of that shit when I'm over there. Then I go to New York, I run into Verzi fucking over and it just kept snowballing.

And then I started back up again March and I've just, I fucking had it. When I had my voice, I've had it, man. I've had it with myself. I'm so fucking, I was getting to the point where when I sat down to put on my socks and my shoes, my stomach was starting to be an egg. I was noticing it, you know, and I was making those, I'm putting socks on and I, I'm fucking in my first trimester noises, you know, that's just like getting it over your toes. I was just like, really? I'm going to be the breathing grunting and grown up person. I can't fucking have this. So I don't know. I was actually, it's the first time I've ever done one of these, these bus things with, with Bartnick. And I was just like, Oh my God, I was two fucking animals

on this thing. Like what is going to happen? We're going to come back like 20 pounds overweight. And Bartnick was cool as shit. He's always cool as shit. And he was just like, Hey man, I'm going to go and I told him the first day I said, I went to the gym. He goes, Oh yeah, he goes, I'll go with you tomorrow. Then that was it. And that became our routine. We'd pull in, we'd check in and be like, All right, we're going downstairs and we'll be there. Meet you there in 15 minutes. And it's just been fucking great. So now I don't want to stop. And that's what I was planning on doing when I went into the fucking hotel. The lady wouldn't let you give me the Heisman. She gave me the fucking Heisman. No, no, you can't check in. Is that what you wanted to

do? What is it that you wanted to do? Because I'm about ready to tell you that you can't do it. What am I going to say? It's their fucking hotel. It's their rules. I just thought they'd be cool, man. So anyways, last night was, was Bakersfield, which was really fucking cool, man. It played this great, another great, all these has just been these cool ass old theaters. And considering they tore down most of the old ballparks at the pro level, I think just about all of them, other than Fenway and Wrigley, I think that's it. They're pretty much all gone. And these old theaters kind of fill that void for me. And I had a great time last night with the crowd. And it's cool, man. That's like a two hour drive away from me. It's this cool theater that I can go up and go

play. And you know, if I ever want to work out some shit for a special, I can just jump in a car, right? Jump in my truck when I get that back, when I get the fucking AC finally put in. Crews up there, it'd be the shit. But apologies to some people who weren't able to make it to the show. There was a, there was a fire along the five freeway, and it was in danger of jumping the freeway. And for those of you who don't live out in this fucking hellhole, basically what happens is the flames get so high and the wind is whipping around and the, you know, all the, what do you call that shit? What do you call it? Not ash, ambers, whatever you call it, they get blown across the highway and then they just light up the other side. And then you got two sides on fire.

I've actually driven down the highway and just watched it seen an out of control blaze. But it's completely normal out here. Unless it was started by, you know, somebody throwing a cigarette butt out. I have no idea. But some people were coming up from LA or from the other side of the mountains there to, uh, to see the show and they weren't able to do it because there was a fire jumping the highway. Those are the times I asked myself, why the fuck did I move out here? I left the lush east coast, trees, lakes, you know, four seasons sort of with global warming now, whatever the heating up the earth, whatever the fuck you want to call it. However it's happening, relax, Democrats and Republicans, you fucking lunatics.

Whatever it is, it just kind of goes from like freezing cold to fucking hot as balls now. There's really no spring and fall, which kind of sucks. It's like a week of it now. So anyways, let me do a little bit of a read here. I'm going to try a little read, you know? Okay. Hey, you like making money? Oh, this is for Uber. Oh, by the way, and, and, and Patty on the party, uh, the taxi drivers have had it with fucking Uber and they posed that they, they did like this demonstration fucking hardcore, like blocking the highways, lighting tires on fire and shit because they're sick of the Uber guys, uh, taking all of their work. So, um, I don't know, man, for civilized is, uh, uh, Paris and France is, they definitely have a lot of that shit. Like they have a lot of

like American type shit going on, you know, it's unfortunate. But anyways, I'm glad that shit didn't happen when we were over there. My French, I'm already starting to lose it. So I went on dual lingo today and just did a couple of exercises, man. I hope I don't fucking lose what I found. I shut up, Bill. Just read the, okay. Uber, everybody. Hey, you like making money, right? Here's a really cool opportunity that evidently I have to share with you, driving with Uber. Uber's that popular smartphone app that connects riders with drivers. Um, oh, this is all the lies here. I take Uber a bunch. No, I don't. I love them, by the way. I do love them. I just don't have them on my phone because I don't want some fucking, I don't want somebody

knowing my fucking phone number and where I live. I like the taxi drivers, you know, my friend, okay, you know, sticking your cat out the window because they've been driving for 16 hours. But, but you guys love them and you like chatting with the different drivers. Some of them have really interesting stories as to why they drive Uber. Yeah, going through a fucking divorce. They love being their own boss. They earn great money. It's easy to start. Uh, you just stop fucking doing that stupid ass phone. Um, sorry, I'm reading this on the phone here. Um, it's easy to start. You just need a car, a license. Driving with Uber is great for anyone who needs flexibility. Parents, this is a really way, easy way to work around your family schedule.

Unhappy, married people. This is a great way to avoid your partner. All right, if you're making way more money than they are and they're going to take you for everything you got, maybe you can write it out with any luck they'll die of natural causes. Students, you could make extra money between classes. Now's the prime time to cash in with Uber. No more stripping ladies. You'll thank me for telling you how to get paid every week. I could be getting into your car when you drive Uber. I won't remember it because I'll be hammered. Call to action. You got a car and a license. Put them both to work and you can start earning serious life changing money today. Sign up to drive with Uber. Visit drivewithuber.com.

That's drivewithuber.com. Drivewithuber.com. I was supposed to spell that out. U-B-E-R.com. Sorry. That is a great way to earn money. You know what I mean? I wonder if you can make enough money just to be a full-time fucking Uber driver. You just quit your job. Your job sucks. Just drive around poor bastards who got to go to work. You know, I used to be you. Now I'm living the good life. You know, you can turn your fucking meter on whenever you want. That's what I like about it. Like, what if you forget your wallet and you want to get a fucking cheese sandwich? You just, ah, fuck it. I'm available. You know, you drive somebody around once you have enough for a cheese sandwich. You kick them out. But I thought you were going to take me the whole way. Beat it,

lady. All right. Blue apron. It's okay. You could admit it. The last thing anyone wants to do after work is wait in line at the grocery store, schlep home, and cook a complicated meal. And expensive, unhealthy takeout is hardly better. That's where the new service Blue Apron comes in. You know, I got a bone to pick with unhealthy. Takeout is fucking cheap. That's why you go buy it, right? But it's bad for you. It's expensive in the end, right? Well, they got to remove your fucking gallbladder. Blue Apron delivers farm fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes to your home, allowing you to create healthy, handcrafted meals at home without going to the grocery store. That's pretty cool. For less than $10 per meal. What are they sending in? Apple? Blue Apron sends

you fresh ingredients, perfectly proportioned, making cooking healthy, happy meals. Jesus, Bill. I already saw easy. I was already at easy, so I was already going easy. Meals really easy and fun. No chips to the grocery store and no waste from unused ingredients. Plus, you learn to cook with specialty ingredients that normally are hard to find. Seems like a great way to lose weight to me. Blue Apron is perfect for date night, cooking with friends, and they even offer family plans with kid-friendly ingredients so the whole family can eat well and have fun preparing the meals together. Each balanced meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving, and so tasty you'd never know. Cooking takes half an hour. Shipping is flexible and free,

and the menus are always new. They won't send the same meal twice. Dude, this is fucking great. It's a great way to lose weight. Then you eat this shit, then you just crush waters for the rest of the night. You go to bed a little hungry for the first night, and then you're good. Then you're in your routine. They work around your schedule, dietary preferences, and Blue Apron's expert source only the best seasonal ingredients for incredible meals like buttermilk fried chicken. Now, how the hell is that healthy? With creamy slaw and biscuits. Buttermilk fried chicken with creamy slaw and biscuits. That's not fucking healthy. What are you going to KFC? And roasted white fish and plum tomatoes. There you go. Served on

on top of soba noodles, whatever those are, with sweet soy sauce, sweet soy sauce, and Thai eggplant. I used to dance at a gay club. I went by sweet soy sauce. I just got sick of it after a while. It's too smoky. You'll cook incredible meals and be blown away by the quality of freshness. Blue Apron, it's a better way to cook. Check out this week's menu and get your first two meals for free by going to blueapron.com slash burp. You are our, my treat, really. The first two meals are on me when you go to blueapron.com slash burp. I just commit myself to that. All right. What do we got left here? Oh, what do we got? What do we got? All right, it's 28 minutes in. I do a half hour on these fuckers. Oh, Tom Brady's got his big appeal this week. I think it's a

mistake. I think he shouldn't have said shit. And he would have been the martyr and people would like him. And like anybody who has sympathy for him who isn't a Patriots fan, I think after the appeal, especially if he wins and they knock off a couple of games, it's, you know, but you know what the other side of it is who gives a fuck whether people like you or not. It's about what's right is right. You have this guy, Judge Jerry, an executioner. I don't know. I don't want to get going on all of that fucking thing. Who gives a shit, right? What else are you going to do? What are you going to talk about? I'm settling into the baseball vibe, though, everybody. I've decided that I am going to, I'm going to start watching some games. It always takes me a

couple of weeks, but I'm just sad that hockey's over. You know, I even like the basketball and seeing the Warriors win it for the first time in forever was really cool. So I'm going to settle in to the base. It's just, it's not, I love baseball. I like it in October when you can go to a game and have on a jacket. It's like this shit, this shit is for like tan people. You know what I mean? People would love the sun. I love the sun, but it doesn't love me. You know what I mean? I go out there, I turn red, I get skin cancer. They got to take, taking scoops out of my fucking wrist or whatever the fuck's going on. And so I can't do it. Like if I go during the day, I got to make sure like I'm sitting under some sort of overhang, you know, or I go there with a big beach umbrella,

which you can't do because people behind you can't see, right? And then I'm in LA. So God knows I'll probably get stabbed or stomped or some shit, you know, even if the color is the same color as the Dodgers. It's just how it works out here. I don't understand it. I don't pretend to understand it. I don't know what it is. So anyways, tonight, Sanwell, Manuel, bingo casino in the inland empire, fire, fire, fire. Yo, in the Indian part, he don't do a good job. We don't cap your head. Um, I started getting better when I was four years old. I scared my grandmother. Um, anyways, so I'm doing that tonight. The act is fucking, I'm having a great time with it. And

then the next two nights, which would be Friday, Saturday, I'm at the Mirage Casino. Gonna have a great time there. Got a couple of buddies from my old high school days who are going to come out excited to see them. And then we're going to end it all down there in Tucson, Arizona. And then that's the freaking tour. And that's fourth of July, fourth of July weekend, right? Happy birthday to United States of America. Happy birthday to the United States of America. See, they're going to put a broad on the fucking $10 bill. You know, we're the only country that doesn't have a woman on our money as far as I know. We're probably not in Iraq either. They probably still have Saddam there with his angry fucking face. It'd be the worst, huh? It's two fucking maniac

kids. They were probably on the money. All right. And I don't mean like they're on point. I mean, they were literally on the money. Oh, Jesus. So they're going to put a woman on there. Everybody's running scared of the ladies now, you know, nobody's going to tell them to pipe down. You watch this, they're going to ask for everything and everybody's going to give it to them. Because if you don't, then you're sexist. All right. I think of a woman is going to be on the $10 bill, then women ought to be printing those $10 bills. All right. You want to take Hamilton's face off? The guy that my great, great, great, great, great fucking uncle shot to death? That fucking punk ass bitch talking all his shit. And he tried to shoot my fucking great, great, great, great,

fucking uncle. And his gun went off. Then all of a sudden, you know, he wants to, he wants to do over. Fuck you, Hammy. It's over. Bam. Right? Then all of a sudden, Aaron Burr is the bad guy. Now he's the fucking bad guy. I think it's very fitting that some fucking broad is going to take his spot on the money. You know, they actually want to be on the 20. Because they say that's what comes out of the ATM. Because, you know, no matter what you give them, they always want more, right? So there you go. Be on the fucking 20. And they were saying, because Andrew Jackson was a horrible man. You know what I mean? It's like, well, why don't you look up the rest of them? They're all kind of horrible, considering this country began with genocide, you fucking idiot.

So I've been doing a bit about this. It's like, if we're going to replace a horrible man on the $20 bill or the $10 bill with a guy's, with a woman, then it should be a horrible woman. Because I don't like what that says then. Because if you're going to fucking have nothing but other than Lincoln, right? But even then, he kind of looks like a hipster, doesn't he? With a stupid beard. Without the mustache. We get it. You're weird. You got a personality. His top hat. He dressed like a hipster, you know? They're all dressing like that now, like they fucking, like they had old Abe's ear. I don't know what I'm talking about. So anyways, they're going to be on that money. And I don't give a fuck. I don't understand why it's even a

goddamn deal. You know what I think is fucked up is the Queen of England is still on so many, she's on like the Australian money. I think Canada's money. I've been to a bunch of countries where her dumb face is there and they don't even do anything anymore. Down there. Why don't they just take her off? Put on Margaret Thatcher. I always hated that name. Margaret Thatcher. Jesus Christ. How woolly was her bush? All right. Sorry. That is the podcast. By the way, if you want to hear one of the fucking great podcasts of all time, and if you are a standup fan, one of my big regrets as a comedian is I never got to meet the legend that was John Fox. John Fox was the ultimate road dog

comedian. He was every single stereotype of a comic. And I mean all of that in the greatest way. And he had every story. You know what I mean? Like when they go to do a movie about standup comics, like you got to have a John Fox in there. And Tom Rhodes interviewed him. Just Google Tom Rhodes, John Fox, J-O-H-N Fox and podcast and have a listen and just listen to him talk and listen to him laugh and listen to his stories. Like he is as much a comedian as Keith Richards is a guitarist. Like you have a look at Keith's fucking fingers. Like even if you didn't know who the fuck he was, you would look at that and be like, that guy plays guitar. That guy plays guitar and he smokes cigarettes. If you listen to John Fox, I'm telling you, you can hear

all the places that he's been in. And Tom gave a great interview and I listened to it by myself. I was blown away by it and then I had me and Bartnick were listening to it last night on the bus just laughing our asses off relating to some of the stories and then the rest of the stories just sitting there with your jaw on the ground. He is the, he's the real deal and it kills me that I never got to just fucking hang out with him and listen to some stories because he, I don't know. I don't know that there was anyone like him. So anyways, there, that's the podcast. You guys have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll talk to you on Monday. All right. And now here's a little bit of throwback Monday morning podcast from a day gone by.

So then I go into this pizza parlor. You know, I order a slice of pizza and I go look at that they get one of the coke. Yeah, it's a coke for Mexico. They have the real sugar. Oh yeah. They have real sugar. What do we have? Ah, we have the fake sugar here. Yeah, the Mexican Coke is better. You know, one of those NAFTA moments, like how the fuck doesn't the United States of America have the best fucking Coca Cola? That's our shit. How does Mexico have better Coca Cola than us? I don't, I don't get it. How did the fuck, how did that happen?

Is that because old slick Willy signed NAFTA? Is that what he did? Is that, is that the part of his soul that he had to sell so they, they put him in office? He's fucking assholes. They're all the goddamn saying they're all a bunch of sellouts, Democrat or Republican fucking idiots walking around with signs or watching CNN or Fox News, your morons, you're going to get the same result. They're going to Democrat or Republican that drop into their knees and they're blowing the bankers. All right, so enough with your fucking debates. So anyway, so I go in there and I go, let me get a slice of pizza and I'll get evidently the imported Coca Cola. You guys how fucked up that is? That's like if the Guinness tasted

better over here than it did in Ireland. That doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever. So anyway, so I walk in there and this stupid ass song and I didn't know the name of the song. I just know I've heard it in elevators. I've seen it on television. I've seen it in commercials. I hear it in malls. I can't get away from this fucking song. This song sucks on unbelievably on so many fucking levels. Everywhere I go, this stupid ass song is playing. I don't know if you guys are familiar with this. There's no way that you haven't heard this song. Here it is. You know this song? Yeah, shut the fuck up, you fucking douche with a ukulele.

Oh, Jesus Christ. That's that's the animal house moment. John Belushi should be walking down a flight of stairs to that guy and then smashing the shit out of his guitar. Except this time he shouldn't say sorry and he should smash it over this guy's fucking head. Sorry. I'm in a bit of a mood. Why is that song so popular? You know why it is? Because that song moves through your head like fucking air. All right. It comes in one ear and it goes right out the other and you are left with zero thoughts. Listen to this fucking thing. You tell me, okay, if you're actually trying to fucking live any sort of a meaningful life, how in the fuck can you do it when there's shit like this in the background?

The cool gun run out, I'll be giving it my best diss and nothing's gonna stop me, but to find it. Jackie I wear my fucking sandals and no one gives a shit. That's one for the vaginas. You know, download that right to your fucking twat. He wasn't even trying to make guys fans. There's a smart man right there. I bet he's worth I think he's worth this day and age in the music business. Dude, if you have me tied to a chair while waiting for a delayed flight playing that music, that is my Guantanamo Bay right there. I'd rather be fucking water boarded than listen to who's getting who. I don't want to slowly drown for an hour, but you know, I would consider it.

That's like the fucking these black dudes who were standing on the corner of Minneapolis. You know those guys who scream about religion? Do they ever have like the levels of their PA adjusted correctly? They're always talking way too loud. And you know what's funny is half the white people who walk by, they probably think that making that face like disapproving of the message rather than the level of, it's just, dude, get a new fucking PA. Get a fucking goddamn whatever the fuck you call the person who knows how to run the board. Make it a clean sound. Okay. Instead of being like, and the white man trying to say Jesus is black, Jesus is actually a black man. Jesus came from Egypt with the black,

the pyramids that the black man invented. He built that shit. The shit's an ethical one fuck he said it's ejection. Excuse me, sir. Not trying to interrupt your hate. I just, it's really difficult to understand what it is I'm supposed to be offended by when I can't understand what it is you're saying. Jordan Rose actually said to the guy, Jesus was white and one of his, his terminator ex guys actually laughed and then another guy stared at him and then he went right back to the fuck white people face. Once again, another classic example why I stay away from organized religion because it leads you to that. You know, Jesus loves everybody, but he's our color and he loves us best. But he loves everyone. So called what the so called what

man be throwing up these motherfucking these motherfucking lunatic pops and shit. Can't have a black quarterback. What the fuck is that so called what man? Anyways, let's plow ahead here. I'm sure that bothered a lot of your ears. I apologize for that. But that's literally what the fuck it sounded like. I would like to do that on a street corner. I have a really bad PA like that and just be saying a bunch of fucking reverse racist shit about white people. I wonder if anybody would get it. The amount of people who wouldn't that was what would make it really hilarious. Yeah, but he's white. I don't understand. Oh, I know what I'm gonna talk about. What the fuck is my newspaper here?

This is at the risk of burning some potential material. This is something you can look forward to watching me go off on in the future on stage. All right, hang on a second. I got blow my goddamn nose again. Hold on, hold on. Just go eat a pastry. Fuck. Yeah, we had to get another mustache. Anyways, so everybody saw what happened on a Schwarzenegger this week, right? So Time Magazine has a has an article out there says sex lies arrogance.

What makes powerful men act like pigs? Okay. So I look at the who wrote it. It's written by a lady. How fucking funny is that? Sex lies arrogance. What what makes powerful men act like pigs? A woman is going to tell the world why guys act the way they act. Do you realize how fucked up? At what point are men gonna make a fucking stand here with this? Okay, I don't want to come off like a chauvinistic pig here and you just giving away everything. A guy should have wrote this article. He could have had so much more fucking insight. What the fuck does a woman know? She doesn't know. And the whole thing is just the whole thing is written by in the in the females point of view, which is the only thing you understand is being that woman

who got cheated on. So there's this woman scorned vibe under the whole article, but there's no information in here. I learned nothing. I was reading it. I learned nothing as a guy and she's fucking wrong on most of her points. One of the great things they like to say is that men of power, the reason why they cheat is because they feel entitled. They feel they're entitled. I'm not going to burn the bit, but that is so that's so not even true. And what kills me is some fucking broad like this. Nancy Gibbs would sit there and argue with me. Being a lady, a lady. Do you understand what you're doing there? You're basically telling me that you know how my brain works better than I do. I was watching or the reason

why I bought this fucking article because I was sitting, I was watching it on television. I saw the art and then obviously I like a little fucking magnet. I'm drawn to this. I'm like, I like this topic. I want to hear about this. And then Nancy Gibbs comes on and she's talking to a guy and he's going really always. Oh, okay. Like, it's, I don't know. It's just, it's fucking horrific. That would be like me like, here's something for you. This is like, like women, you're never going to know what it's like to have a dick. All right. So stop it. Stop trying to write articles, try to stop trying to act like you're in our heads and you know what we're thinking. You don't, you're always going to be

observed. You're going to be an observer. You're sitting on the grassy knoll wanting to do where do the shots come from? You have no fucking idea. You're just coming up with your theories that nerve you to get to cover a fucking time magazine with this horseshit. Just a bunch of horseshit. Got one over there. Listen to this shit. The turning points. This is from another lady. They had two people write about this shit. Elaine. I can't even read a fucking last name. Cio Lino, whatever. Francis having it's a need a hill moment when the law professor testified before the Senate committee in 1991 that a former boss, Clarence Tommy had sexually harassed her. He denied everything. It was elevated to the Supreme court. Notice how the fucking angry

cunt leaves out the fact that he was acquitted. The guy was acquitted. She makes it seem like he was accused of that stuff and because of that he would because of that attention he was elevated to the Supreme court. But anyways, hearings were a turning but hearings were a turning point. Women suddenly said that the mad men style of behavior they had been putting up with at work for so long, the leering, the inappropriate touching, the sexual banter was not acceptable. Do you understand that she's not talking about the 1960s there? She's talking about 1991. I'm not saying that that shit wasn't happening but you know I was in the workforce there. All right. People weren't walking around going hey toots grabbing people's

asses at work in 1989, 1990, 1991. They weren't I mean generally speaking weren't but this lady just fucking goes the mad men style which is from the 1960s. Madison Avenue, hey sweetie go make me a fucking sandwich that era completely ignoring all the bullshit that happened in the late 60s, 70s right through the fucking 80s. In the 80s they were talking about women wearing their fucking little power suits and power ties and all that fucking horseshit. This is all just one of these classic things where you just you just you have your angle and then you just you just write the whole fucking articles complete horseshit. What the hell is the quote in here I wanted to read? I don't even know. All right. Let me tell you something Nancy. Let me tell you something Elaine.

Those guys don't do that shit because they feel entitled. They don't. All right. They don't. And if you want to know why come out to a comedy club because I'm not burning the fucking material. I'll talk about it a little bit. I'll talk about it real quick. All right. What it is is women don't understand what it's like to have a dick. They just don't get it. Okay. The fucking thing tells us what to do. You know and right now they're rolling their eyes because they don't understand the sex drive that we have. How could they? They got a veg. All right. And the thing is there's no information out there to help people to help guys out. Nothing. All guys get is no information about being a guy in general. Hey, keep it in your pants. That's the sexual advice we get.

That's what we get. Fucking you got Cosmo. There's reams of shit talking about all the folds in your vagina every goddamn month. We get hay keeping in your pants. That's the kind of advice guys get. You go to jail. Hey, don't drop the soap. That's it. That's all you get. We get little fucking four sentences and that's how we're supposed to fucking navigate through life. So you're born with a dick. You got this ridiculous fucking sex drive. The only thing that fucking keeps it in check is the fact that women won't fuck you. You got to figure out. You got to talk them into it. You go through dry spells. That's the only thing that prevents a guy from fucking 24 hours a day is other women making it difficult for us to get laid. But then what happens is when

you become in a position of power, these cunts flip the fucking table and will suck your dick under your fucking goddamn desk while your wife sits across from you. So now the governor is taken off. You've never had to control your sexual urges because it was always done for you. You're like a spoiled kid. Now you're fucking famous. You got all these broads coming at you. You don't know what to do because you never really noticed how much you've been led around by your dick. Now I'm not saying every powerful guy out there is an angel. There's not. There's definitely some pigs out there. There's definitely some guys out there who do feel entitled, but you just paint it with that broad fucking stroke of a brush and have a fucking woman sitting there telling me

it's you don't know what you're talking about lady. All right. If they just fucking blows my mind blows my fucking mind that they put two people on this assignment and they were both women. Was that some political correct fucking thing because they were worried that guys were going to say what the fuck I'm saying that basically their husbands would be out fucking everything that moved if women wanted to fuck the way we wanted to. I don't know and not to mention most people can't handle power and that includes broads. Okay. So you get some guy in a powerful position is he goes already going to go through the fucking roof and then you combine that with the fact that basically half of the free world will now

fuck him and he's supposed to somehow rein that in and his only piece of advice is keep it in your pants. You know, I don't know. It's really embarrassing the time magazine with this fucking superficial that they just basically, I mean, it was like psych 101 how they broke it down. Even their shit on Arnold Schwarzenegger about how he likes fucking around with girls that aren't beautiful. You know, they said it was because he was intimidated by beautiful women and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. See, they're women. They don't, they don't get the difference between hooking up with the hottie and hooking up with the plain Jane girl who's going to try harder. Okay. As opposed to the fucking chick who's, who's got 0% body fat and just think she's God's

goddamn gift. You've seen that, right? You go to a teddy bar, the hottest one there. Does she try as hard as that fucking one in the middle? She doesn't. And after a while, you know what? You start looking at those hotties going, you know what? They're fucking more trouble than they're worth. All right. I want my dick sucked to completion. Who am I going with? The supermodel looking chick or the chick who's just happy to be there? Fucking morons. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular Rose

toy from NS novelties. Described as small but mighty, the Rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS novelties. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com.