Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-27-19

Episode Date: June 27, 2019

Bill rambles about Broadway, side effects of a mustache, and comedy audiences.

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Oh, I fucking finally figured out my new Olympus LS 100. I went back down to B&H because I'm going to be interviewing a couple episodes of Uninformed with Joda Rosa, which is now going to be up on YouTube, is where we're going to be on my YouTube channel. And I'm also going to be interviewing Justin Long, which I think will be the Monday morning podcast, and he does the voice of Kevin Murphy on F is for Family, one of my favorite people that I've met in this business. So I'll be talking to him. So I had to figure out a way to make this whole thing work here. You know, I finally had to stop just talking into the mic. So I apologize for all the fucking poor quality of the, I apologize to anybody that was triggered or offended by the poor audio

and not of the DDDDDD past podcast, but now I can hear myself. I got my headphones in. I got the fucking mic jack. I got it in stereo. Oh, and I don't even need a fucking mixer anymore. I am so fucking happy. I really am. So anyways, the mustachioed freckled fuck is back. So last night, last night I went on a little date night with my lovely, beautiful, gorgeous, awesome wife. And we got a little, we got some food, right? Before we went out to go see Burn This with Adam Driver, Carrie Russell, David Furr, and Brandon Aranowitz.

I hope I said his last name right. Really blown away by the acting and I don't know. I'll get to that in a minute. So we go out to go, we go out to go to the dinner before the show, because when you go out to a Broadway show, you have to eat midtown first and you got to make reservations because oh my God, after about six o'clock, all the fucking animals come in from the bridges in the tunnels. So we went to someplace, you know, where they serve like those, you know, portions that you should be eating rather than American portions. Where you served me all this, this fairy food for? I want a whole fucking pig's head on my goddamn plate. And put some taters on the side and some green shit that I ain't gonna eat.

Gave me a couple, two, three pops of alcohol and I'm ready to go see a Broadway play. Tapas, I think is what it's called. I don't know what it is. It was like a fucking wine bar. There was a bunch of gay dudes in there so you knew the food was going to be good, right? So we fucking in there and we had this great food and we're laughing, we're having a great time and everything and we walk over to the theater and we ended up going to see this, we ended up going to see, you know what's funny is me sitting in that bar with all those gay guys and I got this fucking giant mustache and Nia called, she called me Reddy Mercury. And she immediately, you know, almost spit her wine out after she said it and she goes,

make sure you say that on the podcast because I want to see the MM Photoshop do a picture of you as Freddie Mercury with your big dumb red mustache. And I was like, fair enough, fair enough. You know, so we ended up walking over to theater. It was really awesome. It's fun too actually to go out to a theater and not be the one that has to do a fucking show. I was like, oh yeah, I forgot, this is fun. And as you see a theater, I'm like, oh geez, I got to do my stupid act there. And to say that Adam Driver is a tour de force in it is an understatement.

Everybody in the play was just, I really enjoyed the whole thing. And Adam Driver was the guy I was familiar with and I'd seen him do other things. So actually watching him be this guy and watching him do a different walk, watching him have an accent and his mannerisms and all of that, everything was different from the last thing that I saw him do. Ladies and gentlemen, that is acting. All right. That is acting. Okay.

There's so many fucking people, comedians in general, that I talk to, they go, dude, anybody can fucking act. Anybody can fucking dig a dig a dig. No, anybody can go on screen and just basically say the shit and talk the way you already talk and make it sound believable. You can do that. That is base level. That would be the standup equivalent to being at work and telling a street joke

at a fucking water bubbler. But to then, to change the way you walk, the way you talk, your mannerisms, the whole thing and to become somebody else, that is acting. I think. You know, and they always have like these fucking people that don't act and then they go into a movie and they do a great job, but they're playing themselves. You know what I mean?

Like when the chick who was married to fucking Kurt Cobain played a fucking out of control drug addict. Everybody was like, oh my God, she was amazing. That's what she's doing every day. She's crawling around on the floor looking for that fucking crack rock. I mean, yeah, she knows what she's doing. She knows what she's, that's not acting. Anyway, so look at my acting work.

Anyway, so we ended up having a great time and we hung out a little bit afterwards. Got in late, paid for it this morning when a little Boo Bear woke up, who by the way went potty for the first time, which was amazing. All of those little accomplishments are like amazing and you're so proud of them and then you're also sad because with each thing that they can achieve and now do on their own, they're less connected to you, you know, and believe it or not,

like changing their diapers and stuff. You get a lot of good, you know, back and forth time, you know, because there's such balls of energy they're running around. So when you change their diaper and they actually have to lay down for a second and they start talking to you, you can crack some jokes and stuff. It's actually a lot of fun. So I was as proud as I was. I was like, oh, no, I'm not going to have that little moment anymore.

It's getting to the point she's almost faster than me being a friggin' old dad, but we've been exploring all the New York City parks out here and found another new one that we went to and it was crazy. Right as we were going to get on the big jungle gym complex things that they have, you know, because the kids are out of school, all these big kids just like fucking descended and they just take over and they don't give a fuck and, you know, I don't know. It's like you and your little kid were just going to have this great time

and all of a sudden this behemoth shows. It's like when Walmart comes to town and puts all the mom and pop stores out of business but like the fucking kid version of it. And my kid's big. She's tall, right? But she's still a little kid and sometimes the big kids don't realize that. One of the big kids saw that she was still wearing diapers and she was going, you know, kids just start yelling,

you're not a baby, you're not a baby, you're not a baby. And I swear to God, like I have to, you know, I just have really have to, like I'm not good in those situations. I need to learn adult coping mechanisms. Because all I wanted to say is like, no, she is still a baby. She's a toddler. She's just tall, you fucking little shit. Stop yelling in her face, you know.

But like, you see, like you can't do that. So I just talked to my kid via, all right, come on, come on down the slide. Come on down the slide. You know, and then she goes down the slide like a little kid. And then one of those little big fuckers starts coming right down. I got to yank her out of the way, like the end of an action movie. And my first hey is always, I'm always like, hey, hey, hey, and I try to calm it down.

You got to wait your turn and then they just look at me and go, who the fuck's this big asshole yelling at me? It's like, I'm not yelling at you. You almost fucking slammed into my kid. You know, I don't know. It gets to be a bit much. So then you just sort of break off and then what happens is then the toddlers go to where the fuck they're supposed to be at.

But I don't know, my kid enjoys the slides. What can I tell you? But I don't know. It's been a, it's been a good week actually having the week off here. So I'm going to take it to another park. I'm trying to get all the quality, you know, dad kiddo timing. And I don't know. So, I don't know.

All this shit. It's hard to put into fucking words. Hard to put into words for the first time in your life like feeling needed. And I don't mean like in a selfish way. Like, oh, good. I feel good because I feel needed. I feel the more like that fear of like this fucking kid like needs me. Has this need and I'm the solution.

Jesus Christ. The fuck do I live up to this? So I think that that's why I start overreacting. Some kids just yelling shit, but I just like, I don't know. It takes you back to when I was a kid. And it's, I guess I can't even say the shit anymore because it's so fucking politically correct time. You know, at some point there's a way that you, as a kid, you got to handle a situation like that. So that kid moves on to some other kid, you know, that for some reason has been, I don't know.

They got that thing. I'm not saying this kid was like that, but they got this whole fucking thing now where they feel like they can sit down and talk to bullies. And then bullies is going to stop being bullies. And it's just like, there are some kids that are just fucking assholes. And your kid needs to learn how to handle that, how to cross that bridge. And, you know, it's no secret to what the solution is. Let's get off that subject. I had, I think the best pizza I've ever had in my life.

And I'm going to have to go back to Frank Pepe's to see if this is true. But I finally got out to DeFara Pizza in Brooklyn. And I got a regular slice and what they used to call a Sicilian slice where I was from. But they call it a grandma slice. Other people do down here. I got one of each with a fucking root beer. And yeah, it was, I don't know what they do with that pizza. There was something in the dough that just added to the perfect combination of sauce and cheese.

And whenever I go to a place, I always make sure I always just get the plane because you can hide behind toppings and everything. And it was funny. People on the movie had mentioned, you know, that I go there because I did a little run making fun of New York pizza. Not saying it was bad, but just saying how much of it is bad because everybody's living off the reputation of it. So they got defensive and they told me to go out there and it was weird. Right as they told me to go out there. So I saw Dave Portnoy, El Perez on Barstool Sports did a review of it. And, you know, it's very hard to get into the eights with that guy.

And he gave it a nine for and was eating it. And he just kept going, wow. Wow, that's that's a good slice. Wow. He just kept saying that. I was like, all right, so I know that that's a fucking 10. But he's like the Rex Reed of pizza review. Rex Reed on the gong show where he was like too mean to give a 10.

That's kind of the vibe I get from because no one's ever gotten a 10. No, maybe there would be the sadness that if you give somebody a 10, the quest is over and you stop eating pizza. I don't know what, but all I know is when Dave Portnoy gives something a nine for, I'm fucking going to it. So I went down there and it was, it was amazing. Go down there during the week to when there's not a bunch of long lines or any of that shit, you know, just jump on the. I jumped on the train from the Upper West Side. I mean, it took me like maybe a half hour, totally fucking worth it. And I hope to be definitely going back there again.

I got to wait though. So I'm doing this frigging thing here. So I got to, I got to, I got to space it out. Oh, look who's here. Nate, Nia, come here. I told him your joke. What was my joke? What did you call me with my mustache?

Uh, what was your reference? I forgot. He's a rock star. Oh, ready, Mercury? Come over here. Come on the podcast. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, Jesus.

I got my, I got my whole thing fixed here. The sound is good and everything. Did you enjoy the play last night? I did. I really did. It was awesome. How great was everybody in that thing? Huh?

Adam Driver coming in toward a force. Adam Driver came in like a rocket ship. Adam who? Adam Driver and didn't let up. He was amazing. He was amazing. We're both fucking tired. I am so not even, and I'm not funny on this thing too.

Yeah. Getting like six hours sleep. I can't do it anymore. Yeah. I should have taken a nap before I did this thing. All right. You go, you're going to go, go work out? Yeah.

Yep. That's it. Nia's been crushing it by the way. Crushing it. Crushing it. I look like I'm the one who had the baby now. What is going on with this fucking thing now? Come on.

I finally had it all set up. Everything was good. Oh, I got it. So I went, I did some spots the other night. The only thing I don't like about this, this thing is it's so frigging hard to tell how much time is left. Oh, I pressed that button. All right.

I did a couple of spots the other night. I did Caroline's and then I did Gotham and I did the exact same material and on one show I kind of bombed and then the next one I did good. But I think as I went on after this comic is really funny, but for the most part, I feel he worked clean. So maybe I just was coming up there sounding like a foul mouth asshole. But this guy, Lucas O'Neill went up, did a great job, a bunch of great bits. I didn't even get a chance to say hello to him.

I kind of ran out of there because I was just like, this crowd fucking hates me. For the most part, they were laughing, but I swear to God, I was looking into the crowd and I wasn't more than like three sentence in. And this woman in a crowd, she had her hands on either side of her head like she was watching like, like, like to cover a home alone. She's like in her twenties and I'm just looking at her like, what in the fuck could I possibly be saying that gets like that level reaction? I got to tell you, I've almost been doing this shit for 30 years.

I've never said anything on stage that ever got a reaction like that. And she had the fucking look on her face. And then there was another woman, older woman, by older, I mean like my age and she was just sitting there with like her mouth a gape. And I know there's, there's two of them reacting that way that I should be looking, well, what am I fucking saying? And it's not me. It's not me.

I want to be like, you people fucking changed. Not me. Or maybe I'm going a little bit harder because everybody's fucking overreacting, but it was like actually throwing me off during my set. If you ever want to like, like as far as like they weren't even heckling, but they were heckling just with the expressions on their faces. I'm trying to think what I did. I did my usual bullshit and then I went to the abortion bit.

Then I did the Michael Jackson thing. Sorry, guys, I'm putting together a new hour, so there's going to be some pretty broad topics here. I don't know what happened and they so fucking like, there was even a guy going, uh-oh, uh-oh. This guy's going, uh-oh. He was older than me. It's like, what do you mean, uh-oh? Like what the fuck have you been doing your whole life?

You fucking were born in the 1950s. There's no fucking way, anything that I'm saying. I don't know. I can't wait for this whole fucking time to be over and it is going to be over because you know why? I'm going to fucking, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to pat myself on the, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to fucking really justify my thing here.

I fucking travel the country and I talk to fucking people. I know where their goddamn heads are at and this stupid ass fucking horseshit where they're censoring everybody and everybody's acting like the fucking sky is falling because a fucking comedian is telling a goddamn joke and then meanwhile they just turn a fucking blind eye on the carnage of war every fucking night because they don't even show it on the goddamn news and that's not a problem. That's not a fucking problem. Okay.

A drone strike hitting a family of five because you thought they were bad guys and then they're not. Hey, yeah, fucking whatever to that shit. Thoughts and prayers, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and all that fucking bullshit and then I go on stage and give some stupid fucking horseshit about my version of fucking the abortion and looking at me like I just overturned Roe v. Wave and I'll tell you right now I'm getting me my mustache and getting sick of it. Every fucking night I got to sit there and I got to do my little stupid silly little

pep talk on why you shouldn't be shocked at what the fuck I'm saying but then they always laugh and then they kind of come along for the ride. I got a quick little line that I say that I don't want to get into what it is because then you're going to know what it is and then when I go there you're going to be yelling it out with me so I don't fucking know. I don't know but I'm going on stage and they're making me feel like I'm singing doo-wop around a goddamn burning trash can. That's what I feel like every night.

Like did I become old overnight? You know, I saw this whole article, this fucking ridiculous article that this person is writing about a stand-up comic, you know, going, you know, if the comedy club books this person they don't care about the safety of the wait staff. It's just like, it's just such fucking bullshit. It's just such, it's just, it is the, it's being in that scene and just being there and then listening to this fucking person's perception of what the fuck is going on down at the comedy club.

It's just an outright fucking lie. It's no different than when you read the fucking New York Post or the Daily News and they are just spinning it towards their fucking political agenda and it's just outright fucking lies, the whole, the whole, the climate and all of this shit that they're presenting. It's like what research did you even fucking do on this? It's just, you don't want this person to come back, therefore what you're now going to do is make, just write these fucking crazy lies about the whole stand-up comedy scene so you can try and get this traction so what you want to have happen can fucking happen.

It's so, it's so fucked up, it's so fucked up and it, because it is lies and all of that, you know, I probably shouldn't get worked up and I probably shouldn't, you know, throw any gas on the fire here but it's just, I don't know, it's just outright fucking lies and it's all like political agenda and what these people want to have happen even like when they'll do like the, I was talking about another comic and they were talking about like, you know, the comedy power issue and all of that and it was just totally a political agenda. The amount of absolute fucking monsters that they ignored and I'm not going to name names

because I don't want to put anybody into this fucking thing but there's literally like, you know, there's podcasters out there that you can do, you can do their show and you're going to get more people hearing you than if you went and did the entire fucking late night talk show circuit and they completely ignored them because they didn't fit into their progressive agenda of what they want the entertainment landscape to look like, which is fine. I don't give a fuck about that but don't just fucking lie and this is what the power, it's not what it looks like.

I don't know, I don't know, whatever. So I actually, I should just find the fucking humor and just be like, oh, so you guys are lying pieces of shit too for your own fucking agenda. And with that, let's move on to the next portion of the goddamn program here. Let me just read a little bit of advertising here. I got one read left, all right? One read. Blakely's has been chosen as a premier flooring center, a distinction amongst some of the

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This week, Helix, Helix, want to know the secret to a good night's sleep? We'll tell you a clear conscience and the right mattress. While I can't help you fix things you've done, we've got the mattress covered with Helix. Helix Sleep, Helix, built a sleep quiz that takes two minutes to complete and they use answers to match your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress. Whether you're a side sleeper, a hot sleeper, gross, like a plush or firm bed with Helix, Helix, there's no more guessing or compromising.

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I didn't think they ever slept. They have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights, gross, risk-free. Right now, Helix Sleep is offering up to $125 off mattress orders for our listeners. Up to $125 off helixsleep.com slash burr, that's helixsleep.com slash burr, for up to $125 off your order, Helixsleep.com slash burr, H-E-L-I-X. I've been following baseball a little bit more now that the hockey and the basketball is done. I got to tell you, the Yankees are tearing it up.

Red Sox went seven and three and still dropped two games to the Yankees. However, we are gaining on whoever the fuck is in second place. I forget. Did you see how they're talking about possibly having, they're exploring the Tampa Bay Devil race being the Tampa, sorry, the Tampa Bay race. I don't offend anybody down there in Joel Olstein country. I ain't trying to say that Satan is the reason why you've never won the World Series. But wouldn't it be the reason, wouldn't they sell their souls to win that trophy?

Isn't that what they would do? And then devil would double cross them and stick them in that little fucking, I actually like their stadium. Trumpet can't afield. But anyways, they're saying half the year they'd be the Tampa Bay Devil race, and then the other half, they'd go play in Montreal and become what, the expo's? The Montreal Devil race, the Montreal Rays? I don't know.

It seems to me like they're just going to move them to Montreal. Doesn't know what that seems. That's like when you're in a relationship and people say we're taking a break. It's like, no, you're breaking up. We need to take a break. I was always excited when a woman said to me that before I met my wife, Nia, if a woman said we need to take a break, I was like, oh, good, we're breaking up. Good, because I don't know how to be in one of these.

Oh, are we taking a break? Okay, great. So we'll talk to each other every day and then every other day and then, yeah, it'll just fade away. So I think it would be great. It'd be great if they went back to Montreal, because it's still fucked up that they didn't win the World Series in 1994. Let's look up that roster, shall we?

There's some fucking sports nerd shit that I like to do, Montreal expo's 1994 roster. I know they had Pedro Martinez. Oh, yeah, look at this shit. This is what this was. This was their fucking, this was their lineup. I'm just going to name the ones that I, they had Cliff Floyd, Moises, Alu, Larry Walker. I thought I recognized more names. They always talk about, they had Pedro Martinez.

Now, wait a minute. I thought Tim Reigns was still on there. Wasn't he still on there? And I also thought, what's his face? Just space up. Pedro, what's his face? He ended up on the Angels. Wait a minute.

Pedro Guerrero, was that who the fuck? No, Vladimir Guerrero. He wasn't on that fucking team? The fuck out of here? Put it this way. Pedro Martinez was their number two pitcher. Wait a minute. When the fuck are all the guys I thought was on that team?

I always thought Randy Johnson was on that team. He wasn't on the team. Pedro Martinez was fucking 27 years old. Wait, there was only one Hall of Famer on that team. So what the fuck does everybody always talk about? How loaded they were. I thought Vlad Guerrero was on there. I thought Tim Reigns was winding down his career.

Wait a minute. Vladimir Guerrero. I can't spell that fucking, there we go. Guerrero. And where do you go? Do you go to the fucking baseball encyclopedia? Just write stats. And the fuck did he come in the league?

Now they got Vlad Guerrero Jr. Now, the fucking, there he is, there he is. Oh, first year was 96. You know what? You know something? If you've learned anything in this podcast, I need eight hours sleep and I also don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. All right, maybe I was wrong about the power issue.

Maybe I need to adjust what I'm doing on stage so I can become part of the power issue. There's no power in making somebody do the home alone face, Bill. You know, you shouldn't be in the power issue when the LOL Comedy Club doesn't know who you are. By the way, I can't believe every fucking comic I walked up to was talking to me about that story. I hope I told it in a funny way. I wasn't upset about it.

I was upset that I then had to go downtown, downtown comedy club. I had to go downtown to go do a fucking spot because I was tired and I'm an old man. I just wanted to roll in there and do a fucking spot, you know, but now there's people out there that saying allegedly that comedy club doesn't pay people. I don't know if that's true or not, or it only pays like the fucking headline or whatever. So now I'm thinking, well, shit, maybe it's a good thing that I didn't go up in there. I don't know. Um, anyways, Jesus Christ, as old a dad as I am, fucking Vladimir Guerrero is a young

dad. The guy's only 44 years old and his son is already in Major League Baseball. Vladimir Guerrero, Jr., let's click on this guy. How old is this guy? Vlad Guerrero, Jr., he also plays for a Canadian team. How crazy is that? He was born in 1999, so his dad was 24 years old. He's 20 years old.

Isn't that something? Jesus Christ. Um, anyway, all right, well, you know, as excited as I was that I was really just going to rip on this podcast, I just, I feel like I was the butt of the jokes. I feel like I was the person in the wrong guy. I was the person in the wrong guy. Anyways, I told you a good place to get some pizza. You've no Dave Portnoy already told you that.

I learned that the Montreal 1994 Montreal Expos maybe might be a little overhyped, considering they only have one Hall of Famer on there. Tim Reigns was already gone. Vladimir Guerrero was not there yet, nor was his son conceived. All right, so that's a big O for three. Cliff Floyd was there. They had Cliff Floyd. That was somebody that I reckon.

All right. Was that the crime dog? Is that the guy? I don't fucking know. It's all, you know what? It's all blending together. Um, so anyways, I'm going to go take my kid to the park. That's what I do.

I'm going to go yawn and take my kid to the park. You know what? I'm not going to flip out when the big kids come. I don't. Yeah, I kind of muttered. I told you that, you know, at the one time I did, I didn't yell. I just sort of muttered. I think I, I think I called the kid a fat fuck.

I muttered it. He came up and he just sort of, you know, pushed my kid out of the way, not, not a push, push, sort of a, a, you know, the way security guides somebody out of the way. You know, and my daughter was like, you know, she does her, she's younger. So she did, she can't like run up to the slide, sit down and go down on it as fast as the bigger kids. This kid didn't want to wait. And yeah, I just said, Hey, hey, hey, wait your turn.

I go, you fucking fat fuck. I kind of muttered that underneath and I looked at one of his friends was staring at me. I was just like, Oh Jesus Christ. And then when the kid got off, he whispered something to the, the fat fuck kid and then they were both staring at me, giving me the fucking stink guy. I was just like, All right, I'm that guy. I got to own it. I'm that guy.

I'm a mustache, cursing in front of little kids. I kind of think that's a normal reaction from anybody else out there, a parent and you go, let me, I, you know, I want to hear your fucking horror stories to go into the park. So give me some advice on how to keep your cool when the fucking big kids, specifically the boys show up, goddamn, Braveheart, they come over the fucking hill and just descend on whatever they want to do. And they just push people out of the way and all of this. And how mad can I get?

Because at one point I was that kid. Granted most of the time I was getting chased downhill by the other kids, you know, just being a, you know, they were, they were, they were looking back. I feel like all those kids that bullied me were just jealous of my exotic good looks. All right, we all know that that's not true. I did fine. I made them laugh and then they stopped fucking with me. That was essentially it.

You know, we moved around a little bit as a kid, you know, so I had to fucking hit the reset button a few times. By the third time I knew what I was doing, you know, and then everything was fine for a while. For a while, I think, I don't know, but this isn't, this isn't time for therapy. All right, I'm taking my kid to the park. Please enjoy the music. All right.

And then there's going to be another half hour of a greatest hits Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. If you're in New York, go check out Burn This. I think they're running through mid July. And I'd like to do more shit like that. I guess the theater that we went to go to, that where it's playing at, which of course I already forget begins with an M. Is it the, I don't think it's the majestic. I don't know what the fuck it is, but it's one of the oldest theaters in New York City.

And someone in the cast was telling me that the original Tonight Show tape there and the original price is right. Two of my favorite shows of all time. How fucking cool is that? And it's a beautiful theater. I've never been in one where they had the seats were covered and like the material, the color was gold and it really worked. Like the whole theater popped.

It was fucking gorgeous. I don't know. I'd love to do a show there at some point, but I think they just do the Broadway stuff. So who knows? All right. Anyway, that's it. That's the podcast. Have a great weekend.

And I will talk to you on Monday. All right. Last week, our Monday, I should say, I read this. We had the heading to an email question and we did not have the email. Andrew Thamelis apologizes profusely and I had to stop him from committing Harry Carey. All right. Lady needing advice. Don't want to go to male's friend's wedding.

Hey, Bill, I really enjoy the advice portion of your podcast and could use an objective opinion. I am a lady and have a male friend that I've been friends with since I was 10 years old. I'm now 29. You know what, guys? I got to apologize something. I have this great bit. I can't wait to try out tomorrow night and I literally was thinking about the joke I wanted

to do and how far I was going to take it while I read all of that. So I have no idea what's going on in this email. Please forgive me as I reread this. I am a lady and have a male friend that I've been friends with. Well, you just said you were friends. I have a male friend that I've been enemies with. I have a male friend that I've been friends with since I was 10 years old. I'm 29 now.

Okay. So you've been friends with this guy for 19 years. Oh, geez. Did he finger bang you back in the seventh grade? My friend is with this girl that I've never warmed up to. She's a bit now. Wait a minute. I think he was going to ask you.

Is that what it is? Maybe not. Bill, why don't you just read the fucking thing? She's a bit condescending, phony, and I just don't like her. He's in his early 30s. She's 25. Oh, so she's got you on the old odometer there. And they both currently live with his mom, who also happens to be a good friend of mine.

They have crappy jobs, don't pay his mom rent or contribute much, but instead they're putting money back to have a wedding by the end of the year. I love my friend, but he's always been a bit immature when it comes to money, responsibilities. Why are you still hanging out with these people? These people sound like fucking losers. Walk away. Be thankful you didn't hit your wagon to this shit. I can tell you right now, if you were with this guy and you were living in his mom's

house, you would not be friends with his mom anymore. You'd be like, I got to get the fuck out of here. Anyways, they're immature when it comes to money, responsibility, or what it takes to be an adult. He still depends on his mom a lot. He's 32. This is pathetic. I don't hear a dad in this scenario here.

Did he not have a dad? He didn't learn how to be a man, I should say a mom. When my grandmother recently died, I was devastated, and he asked me for my address. I thought I would get a sympathy card, but instead I got a save the date card. Oh my God. That's sad and fucking hilarious. It pisses me off that he's a bit of a selfish prick in his own world and also a dumbass for being in such a rush to get married when neither one of them has their shit together.

It's difficult for me to be supportive. Before you assume I'm secretly in love with him, which I did, I'm sorry, our friendship has been nothing but platonic, and I recently got married myself. I'm sorry, but this whole thing read like when Harry met Sally, except Harry never moved out. I don't want to go to their wedding. My question is, do you think I should put my shit aside and try to be supportive of my friend since he's happy?

I feel as though our friendship has shifted a ton since he's been with this girl, and it's no longer easy talking to him. This is what you do. You go to the wedding and then you just gradually back away. You've outgrown these people. That's it. You're married. You have your own fucking life.

If he wants to live at home with his mother, with his new wife, whatever the fuck it is he's going to do, you just go there and just have a nice smile on your face just being happy that you're not on the other side of the eye do. I'm still not 100 percent buying the fact that you don't have some sort of feelings for this kid who's now still acting like a kid in his 30s. You're 29. He's 32. He was three years older.

You probably said this is perfect. Then you envision him wearing a suit and coming home bringing like Hugh Beaumont in the beginning of Leave It To Beaver with a higher end fucking GM product, Oldsmobile, possibly a Buick. Who knows? I don't know. But this is what I would do. You got to let it go. That's what it meant to be.

Okay. And even if you don't have romantic feelings for this person, if you don't have feelings for this fucking person, I can already tell you the fact that it's so driving you nuts that you had to write into some dope like me doing a podcast. I don't know. The way this is all written, I think you wear your feelings on your sleeve and they're going to know what's up. You go there, you know, smile away.

That's it. And then I would not torture your husband on the way home or the whole night critiquing them about how fucking stupid it is because I can tell you this right now. Your husband doesn't want to fucking go. So what you should go, you should do is you should go there and you should have a great fucking time with your husband and you should thank him for not being a fucking loser that lives at home with his mom. There you go.

All right. And then go to Frambridge, take a picture of your tits and give it to him on Sunday. That's the podcast, everybody. God bless all of you. God bless America and that's it. Get off the internet. Go sit on the stoop and go make some music with your friends. Stop taking life so fucking seriously.

Stay away from credit cards. Stay away from the meth. If your doctor prescribes any painkillers that has any opiates in it, do not take them. Tough it out. Just watch there will be blood as you sit there on the couch, toughen it out. Fucking guy dragged himself out of the fucking Wiley Coyote mine with a broken leg to go in town just to get a fucking gold nickel. All right.

You can do it. All right. That's the podcast. Have a great weekend. See you on Monday. All right. Good morning. We're in Washington, Michigan.

So, Verzi is completely addicted to skating now and he wants to get better at it. So, we're fucking in Edmonton the next morning. We got to drive down to Calgary. And Verzi's going like, this gotta be a place here to skate. So, we find out they have a skating rink at the mall. And not only is it a mall, it's one of the most giant malls in North America. Which I've been to that one, too. So, we go to that one.

We're walking through there with our fucking skates. Two middle-aged guys walking through this thing with fucking skates. And we walk in, there's like this giant pirate ship. I mean, like, you could sail the fucking ocean with this fucking thing. Yeah, it was a fucking official. And I look on the other side, it was really deep water and it took all this time to make it look like there was a shipwreck and I'm like, Jesus Christ. I mean, like, you could fucking, yeah, it was monstrous, man.

Yeah, like, Shaq could drown in this water. If you didn't, that's how fucking deep it was. It was huge. And then we look on the other side and I'm like, Paul, is that a fucking sea lion? They had sea lions at this thing and they're like throwing it fish and shit. They're throwing it fish and it was catching it. A trainer was. It wasn't like people just walking by throwing shit from the food court.

It was a trainer throwing it. And so, we're just walking through the mall, walking through the mall, endless fucking mall. They had a water park there. Yeah. It was, I didn't look at any stores. I was too distracted by the shit in the middle. And then we finally get all the way to the ice palace. They called it ice palace and we got all excited.

And we're the only people with skates just walking through, holding our fucking dumb skates and we get all the way to the other side. Versey's all excited. Like, dude, I'm telling you, I'm going to get better at this. You wait by the summer. He's already talking shit. Dude, I'm calling it right now. I'm going to be fucking skating backwards.

You're going to be like, what the fuck happened, Versey? Yeah. Right. And then we show up and there's a big judo tournament where the ice rink is and they'd fucking put all this floor flooring all over it. I was in denial. I'm like, maybe this isn't the rink. Maybe this is the rink.

Dude, it says ice palace. Paul, this is it. They covered it up. This is it. I got upset, though, at the mall, man. Remember? Remember that girl, man? That really bothered me.

We were walking through the food court and, you know, we had a gyro. Great gyro at this place. Yeah. Yeah. A great gyro at this place called Jimmy the Greek. The one complaint and you agreed. A little too much white sauce and it was pasty. Yeah, it was a little pasty.

Yeah, it was a little pasty. You should have gone one scoop. He went to. One scoop less and a little hot sauce. And I would have been excited. He got excited. It would have been epic. Yeah, we got excited.

So then I said to Bill, you know, I like a little dessert after I eat. You know, I like a little candy bar. I like a little, you know, so I know sugar in your tank. Like, like, like, so. So I go, Bill, man, it was a frozen yogurt place. I go, yeah, pink barrier. So I said, let's go frozen yogurts. You all right?

So we're walking by paint the picture. So two middle aged men with skates. I don't like how you keep saying I'm middle aged. You are middle aged. I'm 30. I just turned 35 35 times two. Seventy. Most guys fucking drop.

Well, I call I call like I call middle. Yeah. All right. What would you call it? No, I guess you're right. I guess, you know, I always just when I thought of it as a kid, I always felt, you know, it was no, I don't know. I just remember, dude, it's, I don't know.

What would you say? Forty forties, but I, you know, forties. Forty people, dude, people live long, man. Dude, I'm fucking be 46. Forty six times two is 92. You're going to really, I can't really sit there and say I'm middle age. Tell you the way I'm eating and smoking, you know. No.

So, so we walked through and we're like, where is that? Where was that frozen yoga place? Let's go to that frozen yoga place. So we, too, we see two young women walk by and we figure, hey, I looked at them and I'm like, these, these, these ladies, they're going to know where they're going to know where a pink berry is. So we walk up and you go first. You say to the friend, you go, hey, you guys know, they're good looking too.

By the way, yeah, good looking girls. And you go up first. You go, hey, you guys know where the frozen yoga places and like, she did like a double take, like she did a double take. So fucking rude. Right. And she just was like, what? And then I looked at the other one and I go, yeah, like a pink berry.

And she kind of just like gives a shake off. Like, how would I know? Like, why you, and she fucking did, this is what she did. She did the classic pretty girl. You're clearly just asking me this because you want to talk to me thing. And I'm like, no, bitch, I want some fucking yogurt. Okay. I want fucking, I want a fucking treat.

You know, I just had lunch and it really bothered me, dude. And we were walking around and I wanted to find her. I wanted to walk past this again. They did the loop on the, I didn't know that, but I said to Bill when we got to the car, I go, I wanted to find her because I would have just went up to and go, you know something. I found it and you're a mean jerk. And then you go, why would you do that?

You're a mean jerk. That's terrible. What am I going to call her a cunt? Well, don't call her anything. If you're going to go with mean jerk, I mean, you know, I hate that girl mentality. That pretty girl just say you're mean or you're a jerk if you want to stay clean. But if you go, you're a mean jerk. No, you're not, you're not, you're not pretty inside.

You're not pretty inside. She doesn't give a fuck. She's the hot girl at the mall. Paul, put yourself in her fucking pumps. All right. We're two fucking fuck her. Jack asks to stand in there with ice skates when there's a judo tournament down the way, asking if they know where the ice cream store is.

They looked at us the way they were supposed to. I, you know what, dude? I like a sweetheart. I don't care how you look. I would love to hear them tell the story. And they come and then there's just creepy guy comes up like, you know what they are. Yeah, you guys know. That's the way they're going to hear it, Paul.

Paul, you ever watched those fucking prison shows? Which ones? Like the Scared Straight? No, not those ones where they talk about the worst prisons in the country and that type of shit. Oh yeah, I've seen a couple of them. Yeah. And you just sit there watching it going, how the fuck would I go in there

and not get raped? What would my game plan? You get scared watching it in your bedroom. Right. Women have to walk out of the house worried about that. That somebody's going to, you know, dude, just imagine if, if, uh... Dude, I had a winter hat on with a puffy ball on top of it holding ice skates. Asking for yogurt.

If anything, she probably thought I was fucking gay. No. You don't look gay, Paul. I know, but we would just ask a question. You're not, you're not, your beard's too terrorist. You're, you're... You need to get a little more metrosexual if you're going to do that. We had sweatpants on.

Dude, we were a mess. Everybody on the fucking ground. Yeah, that's what you looked like. My beard, my beard actually fucking says, everybody on the fucking ground. No, but dude, I, I don't like the pretty girl who can't be approached with a question because, oh, this guy's hitting on me. It's, it's awful.

And you know something? The guy, especially the blonde one who went like shook her head like, what? She's going to be a nightmare. She's a fucking nightmare for some future guy. I'm telling you, she's a nightmare. She's already selfish. It's over. What if she just knows what she wants and we're not it?

Well, this is the thing, dude, you actually allowed, like, how old do you think they were? I would probably 21, 22. Yeah. You let a 21, 22 year old, I mean, that's a girl at my age, not even a woman. The way she shook it off like, dude, we're driving down to Calgary. Yeah, she ruined like half of our... We got the Rocky Mountains on the right hand side of the car and you're just still calling, you're calling her a cunt the whole way down.

It bothered the shit out of me. It was like, why would you ask me? How would I know? Dude, do you realize how funny that is that they did that to us? Like, what? Like, yeah, they really made us feel like shit. That's fucking hilarious. If you look at it, and the whole time is because you wanted to get frozen yogurt.

Dude, how funny would it be if we chased him down? Dude, you got frozen yogurt with sugar-free gummy bears on it. It was all natural. No, organic gummy bears. How great would it be if we chased him down and I just walked up to her and I go, you know something? You hurt my feelings. I just fucking broke down. You know, you hurt my feelings.

I just wanted yogurt. By the way, for people listening here, this is last week, you know, just trying to kill... Just trying to make jokes to not go out of your mind being on tour this fucking long, is we were doing the danger field. Everything, I'll tell you, I got a friend of mine who loves yogurt, you know? So we were doing that. And once that went away, that got old somewhere along the line. You started doing it.

You started saying really sentimental shit to me and then pretending like you were crying and then that just became like the running joke. And then you started laughing and then you were just like, you got to do that on stage. Do that crying thing. So now we'll just go up and like, if we'll be like, hey man, I'm tired, but dude, you know what? Hanging what you on the road has been great. You're the only one I could have done it with. And then Bill would come and tag it.

That's the best thing. Bill would come and tag it and just be like, I was hoping you were going to say that. But it's been, it's been fucking wonderful for my anger. I'm going to try to do that when I get home and just pretend like I'm crying, man. It's fucking hilarious. So two stories. We go into eat and we have this Filipino waiter, right? By the way, I like to play the games where I say, what the hell were we?

Was that Edmonton? Was that Calgary? That was Edmonton. Yeah, it was Edmonton. So I like to do this thing where sometimes I like to fuck with people. So I'll just get on a phone and I'll be like, Bill, go along with it and we'll be in an elevator. And I'll go, what? No, that's horse shit.

And like, Bill, just be like, what happened? So like I said, like he had a parole officer called and he said, and Bill goes, oh, they worked it up and then instantly Burgos. Yeah, but what about that videotape? I go, no, no, they said it's insubmissible. And like, and like the guy, there's just a stranger there, right? Sometimes I break out laughing. So Bill calls it, he gets a little emotional guy.

So we turn this crying thing we do until like, this has been great, right? We turn, we turn that into doing it in public. So we have this Filipino waiter, right? And the whole guy guy was great. He was talking to us. And at the end I just go, he goes, here's your bill. And I go, I just want to say so. And I kept the dead straight face and I go, you've been a great waiter, man.

And I put my hand on his fucking arm and I go, you know, you bringing the waters? He just, and Bill just looks at him goes, he gets a little, he gets a little emotional. You know, I mean, no, but it's been, it means a lot. Guy didn't know what to do. Guy had no, because he was so fucking polite. And he was actually from the Philippines. So you jumped right in perfectly. My friend, he gets a little emotional.

I'm like, no, but Billy, he'd bring the waters. Oh dude, he was freaked out though. No, that's the new game on the road. But you had the best one. I got to say the best one was at the airport yesterday. We go to the airport yesterday and Bill starts busting my balls about my laundry. And he goes, Versey, fucking 16 days and you're carrying dirty socks and underwear. And I go, dude, I go, I bought new ones.

You know, the dirty ones are tied up tight in a plastic bag. And Bill just goes, just look at your emotions. And dude, I fucking could not walk. I couldn't walk. And I had to stop pulling my fucking, my, the bag I checked because we were laughing so hard. And it works though, it makes it, it's fucking great. It's driving our tour manager nuts. Oh yeah, that's the one thing we got.

Well, because women don't want to see a guy getting emotional like that. It's just, well, no, because once somebody cries, it's over. Yeah, like when I go out afterwards and I'm taking pictures with people and stuff, I always come back and I was just saying, I gotta tell you, you know, I've seen a lot of people do that, you know, doing the picture thing, but you gotta be one of the best. She's going, would you stop fucking doing that? Our wives are going to go nuts.

Cause you know, the first thing I want when I see stays and you see your wife, we're just going to go, it's been so long. I missed you so much. No, you gotta, you gotta set it up with talking. Like you gotta start off normal. Like you're going to say something really sentimental to them. So they're almost crying and then you cry, which ruins their crying. And I swear to God, you get slugged in the shoulder, which is all you really want.

Oh shit, 20 minutes in. I'll tell you, Paul, you know, time really flies with you on the podcast. It's been so fun. This is probably only funny to us, but I don't give a shit. Try it with your friends. Oh, fuck that. If people are laughing at me, the game is called, he gets emotional

and just walk into a bar, just have one of your friends start hitting on a woman and then and then the other friends got to go along. Yeah. And then just starts welling up and then the other guy goes, I'm sorry, he just gets emotional and he just got to let the other person deal with it. Dude, you're one at the fucking airport where you walked up to that lady at the car, the little fucking, I sell gum, whatever the hell it is. And she says, excuse me, do you have the one of the biggest?

No, I broke out. I go, hey, man, what are the biggest condoms you got? Yeah, what's the biggest size condoms you have? I turn around and walk the way and you turned around and walked away and I'm just staring at her and I'm biting my tongue as hard as I can to not laugh. And then I just burst out laughing and she said, what? And then when you went to repeat it, you started to try to point to it and I lost it. You lost it and it had to walk away.

Paul, we're punch drunk out here. You know, one of my favorite things in this business was Opie from the Opie and Anthony show was he had this thing that he would do when guys would start crying when they would play audio. Yeah. Oh, my God, it was fun. And his timing was perfect every time. Someone would be talking like retiring from a sport, like when Mike Schmidt retired,

which is, you know, it's very difficult to watch. He was like, you know, you know, he just was ending. It was like 38 years ago, a little boy began a journey to play the wonderful game of baseball and then Opie would always go, oh, boy. One of my favorite and always, oh, boy, it always made. Oh, God, that's great. Nobody wants to see a man just completely, you know what it is? I can watch a guy cry if something terrible is happening.

Just don't try to talk while you're crying. No, that's the thing. The talking and then bursting out into crying. Just let your shoulders go. Yeah. Fucking crying, but don't for the love of God. A man needs to cry and a man needs to cry in private. Yeah, you do that in the shower.

You do it in the shower. Like when my son was born, everyone's like, did you cry yet? And I'm like, no, what are you talking about? And then when my son was born, it all hit me later. And I went home to go get stuff for my wife in the hospital. And I sat on the couch and I didn't like weep. But I just got I didn't weep, but I got emotional. But I'm just fixing you sit on the couch by yourself and just go.

That's stupid. It's just completely unacceptable to use your thing from your podcast. Oh, that's unacceptable. The burzi effect. It's unacceptable, dude. On it completely. No, you're right. The talk into it, right?

Yeah, the talk into it. That's that's what the funny thing about crying is, you know? Yeah, you know, you always do this to me, you know, you always do this to me. And I'm trying my best. And it's just it's over. It's fucking over. Whenever my friends die, I've had so many fucking died. I just cry in the shower.

Yeah, that's what I do. I asked a girl. We asked a girl, right? Because you don't feel like you're crying because there's all that water on your face anyway. No, we asked the girl. We go, what would you do if your dude started crying? Like if it wasn't, if nobody died, if a dude and you were just arguing, he just

had a bad day and he just had a bad day and you got into it and he broke down and cry and she goes, yeah, no, over, over, over. Get the fucking away from me. Yeah, you know what's funny? There's some women, they think that they want to see that part of you. They don't get what that is to them. Is that's their total conquest? Yeah.

Like, you know, when you bang a girl in the ass, you're just like, yeah, I got this shit. I'm fucking with you. Their version of that. Jesus, Bill. No, I'm fucking with you. They, their version of that is, is if they can get you to be so vulnerable around them that you cry.

And then it's one of those things. It's always like when the crowd screams out a joke, they already heard. They think they want to hear it again. And then you tell it's like, yeah, that wasn't as good. No, it's the same thing as that. Yeah. And you said something. You said something about like, if a burglar comes in, if you cry in front

of a woman, all in her mind is like, what if the burglar comes in on this fucking guy? Yeah. No, it's over. You can't cry. You strip a woman of security if you cry in front of her, I think. I don't think I've cried. I think my wife's, yeah, that's, that's what it is. Yeah.

You strip her of her security. Cause now she's like, well, I got this fucking, yeah, this fucking crisis. I got this baby sleeping next to her every night. You know, yeah, it's, it's over. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. No, you just, you might as well just have a pull of a sweater on, you know, walking around and then she mocks you.

What are you going to cry, bitch? You're so mean. Yeah, it's fucking over, dude. You can't have that. Have you ever cried, have you ever cried alone, listening to a song or like, not cried, but have you ever been like, oh, no, I was completely broken down and I've totaled three cars, just weeping uncontrollably. Have I?

Yeah. Have I totally cried? No, no, I've definitely teared up. Listen, as an, as an artist, at some point, you're going to have to go to those emotions. You need, you need to be, you need to be in tune with your instrument. No, I have, I have, what was the ones like, I had this weird thing where, um, I stopped crying at some point.

I don't know when I stopped crying and got mad more when, when I got hurt and my brother beat the shit out of me, um, you know, that most of the crying I'd be just like, fuck you at the end of it, but I wasn't, but I wasn't crying. And then I didn't cry. I remember one time, dude, I remember one time my, my, my brother was bigger to me, my little brother's bigger to me, right? Big though. Like, and I remember he, I said, I said, if you fucking take my clothes again, if

you take my clothes again, he did it every day. He would go into my room, we'd take my belt, he would take my clothes and I'd come home and I'd go boy band and I, I need to go, I need to go out. Right. And I go, mom, if he does it again, I'm fucking hitting him. And my mom would be like, oh, you know, he did. And he, and one time I really needed a shirt and I'm fucking throwing shit through the house and he gets out of his friend's car and he starts walking up

and he's got it on and I fucking snapped. And my grandmother was there and I jumped on him and I started punching him and he stood up and he just goes, fuck you. Well, you made your older brother cry on my younger brother. He was bigger than me, but he didn't know what to do. He got so upset that he just, and he looked around. He just, he was so angry that something needed to come out. And he just goes, fuck you.

What, did you feel bad? Did you start laughing? I kind of just walked away and, you know, we laughed about it afterwards. But now, now he's a, he's a fuck. He's a big kid. But, you know, my mom had the opposite. I got a little brother. My, he's an animal, you know.

No, my mom said she went to, she went to a funeral once and everybody was there and everybody was crying and she was overwhelmed with emotion that they had to fucking drag her out. She said she had the most, one of the most embarrassing things happen to her where she said she uncontrollably laughed because they said that that could happen sometimes. So she's sitting there, she's, she's sitting there and everybody's crying and like she went up and she could not stop laughing.

And like she, and I said, why? Like, and she was like, Paul, I just don't know. She goes, I could not stop laughing and they had to walk me out. And like, and she just, yeah, she said, because the emotions were so much that they said that that could happen sometimes where it just, you just, like she didn't know what to do. So instead of just breaking down, she went the other way and just couldn't, couldn't control herself.

Yeah. No, like humans, like we'll protect you in a really, like that's what they don't get sometimes when comics make fucking horrific jokes about some bad event, make good jokes. Yeah. It's about a horrific event. So they go, that's so fucking me. It's a defense mechanism.

It's also, my mom is, my mom is a sweetheart who felt bad and her emotions just went the other way and she goes, Paul, I felt so bad. I couldn't control myself. So I couldn't control myself. I hate to say this because somebody lost somebody, but there was, if there was video of that, Oh my God. Oh, so I was saying, so I somewhere around, I don't know, 10 or 11, I didn't cry for years, years and years and years.

And I didn't, I didn't cry until a friend of mine killed himself. And even then I was sad and then just, I went, I was in the bathroom once again. Yeah. And it was in there. And I remember I started to cry and then I started thinking like, wow, I'm crying. I haven't cried in a long time. And then I stopped because I was out of it because I stopped thinking about the dude kill himself.

Wow. Yeah. I went 10 years without a cry. And then I had one. What was it over? Yogurt. They didn't have gummy bears. No, I think, yeah, I might have been one of my, I might have been one of my son was born.

You know, I might have been one of my son. That's, that's acceptable. I guess it's acceptable. Back in the day, you just stood on the waiting room, right? Smoked a cigar. Yeah. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose

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