Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-27-24

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

Bill rambles about Seattle, advice for the 'hawk tuah' girl, and his explore page. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:40) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 6-27-24 - Bill rambles about groups, barbershops, and shit farms. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Pearl Jam - Oceans Hims:  Start your free online trial at www.Hims.com/BURR  SimpliSafe:  Get an exclusive 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast And I'm just checking in on you. Oh I'm fucking tired. It's Thursday morning And I'm in the middle of shooting my next stand-up special had a great set last night very happy with it I Got tomorrow tonight and tomorrow. Um, yeah, that's it. Went great.

Everything looked good. You know, usual bullshit when you go to, you know, try to fix the lighting and then, well, this shirt, you know, whenever you're a ginger, it's like, he just looks like a head that needs to be a different shirt and everything. And, um, eventually, you know, it all just fucking, the whole thing ends up working out, but it was funny. Just like everything, you know, sure. It wasn't working and fixed the lighting in the background.

We got that all fucking dialed in. Then I go back, uh, my charger for my toothbrush isn't working, so then that fucking happened, and then I, you know, found a good coffee place. I go to get an Uber, it says my credit card expired when it clearly fucking didn't. And I was just like, does this happen every time we go to do a special or does this shit just happen every day but you don't give a fuck

because you're not shooting a special and I was like it happens every day you don't give a fuck and I actually lost my temper for the first time in like days which is huge for me I used to lose my temper 17 to 38 times a fucking day easily. Easily, right? So. I handled the fucking everything right up to the Uber. And then when I was putting my information in for my credit card that had clearly not expired, it wasn't accepting it. And I finally just went, fuck.

And there was a guy on the street like fucking 20 feet away. He fucking whipped his head over like what happened? Anyway, but everything ended up and everything ended up fucking working out. But it's kind of cool to be here in Seattle for a few days. I haven't done this in a while, like this, I haven't since I worked the comedy zone a long time ago. But even then I was like, sort of like way out in the sticks. But I always end up like in the downtown area, which is

not where you want to be. You know, it's just, it's the fish market, which is cool. And then the rest is just urine and fucking drug addicts are just like enough of them. You know what I mean? And I'm like, there's no way anybody lives in this city just smelling this and looking at this. Got to be someplace else. So I fucking pushed out a little way.

It was like, Oh, I never been over here. Sorry, I'm fucking tired. I was wired from the show last night and it was fun. I haven't taped a special in a minute and I don't fucking know. Anyway, let's get on with the real world, not my bullshit. Congratulations to your Florida Panthers, the Edmonton Oilers fans and the entire country of Canada. It looked like not only were you going to get your first one, 31 years, it was going

to be the most epic fucking comeback in a Stanley Cup final ever. But it was not to be, I don't know, and it kind of seemed early on in that game that Florida was gonna, it was their night. They came out and they just sort of were like taking it to them. And I lost count of how many times they hit the Oilers and they didn't fucking hit them back. I hate to say this, but like I've experienced that a lot with my Bruins, you know, we need to get somebody out there. You have to have somebody. It's just how the game is. You got to make somebody pay

for taking liberties or you got to make somebody pay, you know, show that you're gonna hit them back so they're not just out there fucking doing whatever the hell they wanna do. It's a really frustrating and helpless feeling as a fan. Anyway, but very happy. The Panthers, this is their first one ever. It's great for hockey as far as like, you know, when I was growing up,

no one ever would have thought, why am I yawning this much? I fucking got eight hours sleep. No one ever would have thought a team would have worked in the sun belt as they called it. Forget about down in Miami when they got all this other shit to do. So that was really cool to see. Other than that, this is the end of my tour. I can't fucking believe it. I'm essentially off for the rest of the year. And by off, I mean I'm writing

a script. But I plan on doing some other shit. I did see something that just, you know, I'm writing a script But I plan on doing some other shit I did see something that just you know Fucking just it's the worst I Was watching these motorcycle videos, you know And I saw the exact reason why I don't ride on on the street. There was a guy just stopped at a red light Going to make a fucking left turn. He's just sitting there There's oncoming traffic and then all of a sudden somebody from the left runs the light I guess because they stole the car and they came flying through and got t-bone the t-boned a truck and

The truck just went flying into this guy He lived but you know, he's fucking his whole arm was like hanging off. It's mostly titanium now and It's just like it's just not fucking worth it The video actually made me really really sad obviously for all the people involved but like as far as is just like it's one of the most fun things you'll ever do in your life is ride a motorcycle but like that's it's like it's the balance of the universe it's so much fucking fun that that could happen at any fucking second and it's just it's not it's not worth it and It's kind of good that I saw it because after that ride to the Rocky Mountains that I took with Dean

I Was just looking at motorcycles going what if I got one of those big baggers, you know, like Those things must be safer Operative word is safer and it's just like You know what people are dying and get maimed out there like The ER at the end of that fucking word like where where am I at that point? mildly maimed

So anyway, once again, once again, I thought I'd put this to bed, this motorcycle thing. I thought I'd put it to bed like 10 years ago. And for whatever reason, oh, I went to Kota, that's what it was, and I got to ride a bike when I was there, when I was going to the MotoGP thing, and I couldn't believe I remembered how to ride, because I didn't have a lot of experience and all of that shit. I was just like, Jesus Christ, this is so much fucking fun, if there wasn't cars and then people driving like idiots anyway let's get into the world of things going viral on the internet the Hawk to girl right somebody said there was an agency in Los Angeles that was gonna sign her and just as somebody in this business that was gonna sign her. And just as somebody in this business

that was so fucking annoying, it was just like, God forbid anybody does anything without an agency somehow figuring out a fucking way to stick themselves in between the person and the money coming in. To whoever that person is, you don't need a fucking agent. Just get an entertainment lawyer. All right and have them capitalize on this fucking moment or whatever and get your fucking

money. You don't need any of these. Don't just stay away from them. They all got fucking side deals and they're all operating in this way that they're not supposed to be operating on like everybody in is what happens is you get in the business with them and they allegedly work for you, but the fucking check goes to them. And then they pay you and the check has their name on it. So you have no idea what fucking how much money came in. The whole fucking thing is set up that there's no way the artist can steal from them, but

they can fucking 100% steal for you. I'm not saying they all do it, but I don't trust these people as far as you can throw them. And I'm like, what in the fuck are they doing? Are you supposed to be managing like fucking actors and athletes and this type of shit? And now you're seeing like, oh wow, people are pulling away from TV and where's the money going?

Like, how can we fucking, you're going to, you know, you're going to represent somebody for a viral video? Jesus Christ, let her get paid. Fucking leave her alone. Leave Brittany alone. Yeah, that's all you need to do. You get an entertainment lawyer and here's the deal. All in that's percentages, there's standard fees, but all of it is negotiable. All of that is negotiable. All right? And however far this thing goes, for all you fucking kids out there that are doing videos and it's viral and then all of a sudden some slick jerk from fucking LA calls

you. There's things you should know like okay if there's any sort of show idea or anything like that make sure your name is on the pilot. If it's not on the pilot episode you're not going to get to Creative by Credit. There's all shit like that you need to fucking know. Unbelievable. It just fucking never ends and uh... evidently that the fucking debate for the two grumpy old men

which i just can't this is like the lowest point i can't and i think maybe in my lifetime this country has been in as far as politically that these to fucking bozos are our options once again and once again they keep pushing out people that are saying what's really going on what the real fucking problem is why isn't RFK jr. at that thing why isn't he there because he's going to be saying things that these corporate cunts don't want people to hear. So what do they get?

They get these two stiffs. You got a company man and then one guy pretending he's not a company man when he's up to his fucking eyeballs in that corporate shit. Literally a guy, if you get in business with him, he's just not going to pay you and he's going to fuck you over and he's like, fuck you. I got more money than you come and get me. And is unapologetically like that and fucks over the little man and the little man loves them. I just, I, I don't fucking get it.

I don't get it, man. We there was a couple of moments here like, you know, I don't know, but we need to get moderate people. You can't have this extreme left and extreme right steering the ship. Those people are fucking crazy. They're fucking crazy. Extreme left people. Did you see that lady at the? the you know What is it the abortion rights just going my choice my choice my just a fucking insane person

Even if you agree or don't agree with her stance on the issue that person is fucking unhinged un-fucking-hinged. Okay? The same way you have these idiots who are so fucking uneducated, those make it great again people, I mean, you know, none of them talk about how they had an improvised Military coup without a military and they went to the wrong fucking building At least they could have gone down to the Federal Reserve, you know what I mean? It's like all of this shit right now like the economy's in oh my god The economy's in down there economy's been in down term for 20 fucking years When we went into Iraq and had no fucking exit strategy, we've been broke since then.

We've been broke since then, but whoever's the standing president gets blamed and everybody ignores every August. We're fucking bankrupt. We've got to shut the government down and our solution is just to go print more money. That has nothing to do with red or blue ties, but you can't fucking talk to anybody about that. This is how fucked up this country is. Our food supply is fucking poison. You're feeding it to your kid and people are more upset with the cyber Tesla truck.

Alright I'm off my soaps, my soaps, my fucking, my, my, off my soapbox. I said soap stump, stump, tree stump, soap box, whatever the fuck. I'm combining everything. I would just love a Republican or a Democrat that was actually calm, you know, and could actually make a speech, had all their faculties, was not a flim flam man, did not have some sort of cognitive issues, was not 106 fucking years old. Is that too much to ask for?

I would like 24 hour news networks to stop going after little people and act like they're the reason why the fucking country is all fucked up and maybe pay attention when politicians vote for the fact that they can't get tried for insider trading. Maybe there's a story there, guys. I'm beyond jaded, so I'm not watching a fucking second of this shit. And you watch all of these fucking Anderson Cooper cunts out there. This is one of the most important,

it's a fucking joke is what it is. It's a fucking joke and you're a part of it. Both of you, Fox News and CNN, what you guys have done to this fucking country Dividing everybody all you do is have everybody screaming and fucking yelling at each other Well these handful of corporate cunts are fucking taking everything You're not even room. I don't even know what's going on over there in Iraq. There's all those oil wells Who's running those oil wells? Who's getting all of that money as?

oil wells, who's running those oil wells? Who's getting all of that money? As the citizens of the United States are going to be left with that fucking bill. What exactly is fucking going on over there? They don't even talk about it anymore. But anyways, I'm doing a standup special up here in Seattle. I'm going to try to find myself a good cup of coffee and just fucking carry on like everything is normal. Yeah, so it was somewhere along the line, the left in the right mouth, breathing morons have have taken over and like I'm trying to think the last time.

Somebody that was actually moderate was getting any sort of, I just don't think with how splintered media is right now that moderate works. I think crazy is what gets people to stop scrolling and pay attention to get the clicks so you can get the advertising or whatever. Oh my God, I was doing so well. I just walked away from all of it and I was just living in my own little world.

My own little world. And then I watched that poor guy on the motorcycle get fucking taken out by some fucking asshole who stole a car. And then I was like, oh, let's stop watching the motorcycle videos and then it went into the Some I got into like politics I was joking with a buddy of mine Like where I am on the internet I watch cool car cool motorcycle videos I look at hot chicks and fucking, you know, whatever the fuck they're wearing. I saw this chick, she was so fucking hot, it was like she was testing how hot she was by wearing the most ridiculous outfit ever.

She had a bikini on, squatting down in high heels, and then she was wearing that, you know that thing that, that like when somebody puts on a suit of armor you know that mesh thing they put over their fucking head she put that on to be like let's see if i'm still smoking hot and she was and then i watch animals fucking killing each other attacking each other and fighting each other And all of that type of shit. Um, I have to be honest with you, like pray aside from being like just horribly, like they just don't have the fucking teeth to even get into the goddamn fight. Um, they're dumb. They're just fucking dumb. I don't know what it is.

Like wildebeest could fight off any fucking attack if they would fight as a goddamn unit because every once in a while one of them comes back and fucking uses its horns. Then the cheetah goes flying or the leopard goes flying and then they don't get to kill and it's just like did. Okay guys guys Gather round did we learn anything from that experience? That would be amazing if they all got on the same fucking page if pray all got on the same fucking page If pray all got on the same fucking page

They could starve out a lot of these these predators a tremendous amount of them They could trample them Get him with their fucking horns. I mean I did that there's that there are ways There are certain ones although that you I don't know how the fuck you would get rid of them. The Komodo dragon is just like, I think it's really just underrated as far as like, what is that fucking thing? It's a goddamn dinosaur. And it's fast as shit, too, for the way it looks. It moves like really slowly, but when it wants to oh

my god Anyway let me do some fucking reads here this this one I'm gonna have to pull up a little short on cuz I Get some shit. I have to go shoot for this thing today before I actually go to do the thing today before I actually go to do the taping. Alright here it is everybody. Oh look what it is. It's hymns everybody. Your sex life is important but your schedule is busy.

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I'm getting older and I'm just like, I'm becoming like Greek yogurt. I'm getting into my applesauce years, people. You know, I, uh, I like it. I gotta be, I gotta tell you, I don't think I've eaten as well as I, as I've eaten this year, possibly in my life, considering, you know, I grew up in the seventies with fluff another and fucking sugar corn smacks. I mean, it was a colorful time. There was Earth Tones and Sugar and all of this shit.

I mean, there still is, but I've been doing a really fucking good job, you know, doing this, getting ready for my special, but I feel great and I'm not going to stop. I will say that having said that, I'm sure most of the shit that I'm eating is still genetically modified, even if it says that it's fucking organic because these corporate cunts have paid off every politician to look the fuck another way. You know? I don't know. I really think it's fucking ironic that we've been fighting terrorism and then right here

at home there's people poisoning our food supply and it's just like nothing to see here. Nothing to see here. Anyway, speaking of nothing to see here, hockey and basketball, basketball season are over. So now it's baseball season essentially the only game in town unless you get into tennis golf Moto GP Formula One there's still a lot of options out here but I gotta tell you man I this is my I actually don't like how much hockey and basketball infringe on the baseball season and I know a lot of people don't like baseball and I'm going to speak in absolutes here.

I just think it's because of like screen time and being able to postmate shit and all that type. They simply just don't have the patience to watch the incredible game that baseball is. I think it's I don't know, this is going to be, this is most of my statements, it's going to be over the top. I think, you know, your ability to enjoy a baseball game or not enjoy it is kind of a good barometer of your mental health, you know, because there's times when I'm on the road and I'm just death scrolling and all of that. And if I put on a baseball game, it like offends my senses.

I'm like, I can't watch this fucking game. You know, like what am I doing here? And then what I really realized is it's because my brain is on spin cycle. But when I get a break in my schedule and a baseball game comes, I flip through and I see a baseball game, I'm like, oh, fucking, it's only in the third inning, it's fucking great. And I can sit there with no problem watching. And by the way, they also, they have the pitchers on a pitch clock now. I don't know. I've always loved baseball just as far as like just how fucking like infinite it seems. You know and a lot of you are laughing like yeah infinite

it feels like it never the game's never gonna end. I more just mean like just the the amount of fucking scenarios more so than other sports because like technically every sport is infinite. It's always evolving and all of that stuff. That's just something about baseball, which this shit in baseball that I've been watching 50 years. I still don't fucking understand it. I mean, I still don't know 99% of the time when an umpire calls a block.

I'm like, what happened? What did he do? Did he stop his motion? Did he start to go to the plate? And I still don't know. I still don't understand a check swing. Is it the, if the barrel of the bat goes past home plate, did his wrist break? Where do they have to break?

It's, it was never fucking, they have to break? It was never fucking exp- I'm sure I could just YouTube that. I don't fucking get that. And I still don't get why you shouldn't make the first or third out at third base. You should never make the first or third out at third base. It's like, well, what- why would you want to make any out at third base? It's like, well, why would you want to make any out at third base? It's okay to make the second out? Because what? You know, you don't want to make the first to third out because you would be what?

On second base, you're in scoring position. You don't want to kill the fucking rally. But it's okay to take a chance when there's one out. I don't know. I don't fucking get it. But anyways, it's a great game. I love a pitchers duel. And if I was one of these psycho dads, which I am, but I'm not like psycho.

You will make the dream that I couldn't make come true, come true. I would never be like that but If I was going to get my kid into baseball I would just I would bring him somewhere and teach the kid the knuckleball. I Don't think I've ever heard of a knuckleball pitcher needing Tommy John surgery and they all seem to pitch until they're like 46 You just out there just like tra la la. It's like you're playing a game of catch

with the pitcher. It just seems it's like basically the D H of pitching. Like we're here at D H like you just sort of just sit there fucking eating sunflower seeds and you know once every three innings up gotta go to work I just can't imagine as a DH though the pressure because you're so not in the fucking game and then you come up there and if you strike out I mean you got to feel like dude I got to get

on base man like everybody here is working I'm just fucking sitting on the bench and if you go up there and strike out on four pitches and then you come back and sit down there's no way you're looking at the manager guys looking at you like do you realize you that fucking at bat your floor swings away from just sitting in the stands like what are we doing here once you just come here and you're fucking street clothes. All right anyway that's that's the podcast everybody. Thanks you to everybody that's come out on this tour I've had

such a good time I'm having more fun than I've ever had doing stand up and. My life is awesome because you guys come out to see my show so I can never thank you enough for that. So that's it okay have a great weekend you cunts and Andrew Themelus is gonna give you some great music as he always does and then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday Monday morning podcast. See ya. to dream of the next of the next time we

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday fucking June 27th. June, what the fuck? What happened to this month? My goodness. Where's it going? You know what? I think July 18th. That's my hot out, dude.

I'm fucking out, dude. July 18th, I think will be wrapped, will be done with the writing of the 10 episodes of F is for Family. Then all we gotta do is look at the drawings and edit them for the next fucking 10 months. Woo hoo! But the heavy lifting will be out of the way. Then all we got to do is look at the drawings and edit them for the next fucking 10 months But the heavy lifting will be out of the way

Would you guys like to know how an animated show works? Well, you sit in a room and you come up with fucking Whatever. Yeah, you figure out how the whole season is gonna go Then you fucking write it and then it changes like 50 fucking times you rewrite you rewrite you rewrite you write more, you do table reads, you do all this fucking shit. Then once you get all of that done, what starts coming in is the animatics, which is basically the rough drawings of the shit that you recorded. And then you say, why is he standing next to that chair? He should be over in the kitchen. You got to do all of that shit.

He's not moving enough. Have him take his glasses off there or have him fucking, you got to do all of that. And then they fucking draw it and then you look at it and then it still might not be funny. And then you got to be like, all right, is what we wrote not funny or is the way it's executed here not funny? That's why it takes so fucking long, in case you're wondering.

Because you're like, oh shit, you recorded them and you wrote them, why don't they just take out some magic markers and fucking put them on a piece of paper and then somebody stands there and they flip through it, like they used to in the old days. That's what they used to do, they'd have somebody, the village idiot, go up on stage with a giant fucking notebook

and he'd sit there going, ffff, just going through the thing. And people would sit there and they'd enjoy it. And if the guy screwed up, they shot him because everybody had guns back then. At least that's the way it was in America. Speaking of America, what's going on in Ireland? I decided I was going to start looking

to see what the fuck is going on in these countries I'm going to be going to Evidently Martin O'Neill Martin O'Neill the Republic of Ireland's Martin O'Neill there their Bill Belichick He's fucking pissed because Ireland just lost to France In some game where you're not allowed to pick the ball up with your hands for whatever fucking reason You know you'd figure if you only you only allowed to use your feet or your hands. Oh, let's say you use your fucking hands. I mean, there's no style of fighting where you just use your feet, right?

Maybe Tae Kwon Do, but they don't, you know, if you fucking come at them, they're still going to punch you in the nose, right? I just don't understand it. I'm fucking with you. It's actually it's a beautiful game. I went in to get my head fucking shaved the other day, right, and I went into this barbershop, a real barbershop, one where you walk in and there's fucking men in there, right,

rubbing their hairy chest, no I'm kidding, there's men in there and you just fucking go in and you sit down until it's your fucking turn. Unlike these fucking goddamn hipster fucking things where they got the little fucking, what do you call that barbershop little swivel thing that goes around? To me that says I can just walk in, right?

And then you walk in, yeah, there's nobody here. Can you shake my head? Oh, do you have an appointment? Dude, look at me. How long is it gonna fucking take? You don't wanna make an extra fucking 20 bucks? Huh, you don't? Ah, you go fuck yourself.

You know... You fucking... 28th... President of the United States fucking haircut. Who is that, by the way? Who is the 28th president? Nobody ever talks about the 28th president. Let's look it up. Let's look it up.

Uh, 28th president... If I had to guess, I'm gonna say Grover Cleveland. Uh, 28th president, Calvin Coolidge. Oh, oh, oh, the cunt himself, Woodrow Wilson, Woodrow Wilson, who signed the fucking Federal Reserve Act. And we're all still paying for it today. You know what's a good one to look up? Woodrow Wilson's letter of regret. What are the fucking odds? I would have said that send me down this conspiracy theory

Woodrow Wilson letter of regret All right, where is it where is did Wilson did Woodrow Wilson regret handing America To the Federal Reserve Woodrow Wilson after handing America to the Federal Reserve? Woodrow Wilson, after creating the Federal Reserve, said, let's see, here we go, I have unwittingly ruined my country. I don't even know how to pronounce that word. So maybe he didn't. All right, this is what he wrote. I am a most unhappy man. I have unwittingly ruined my country. A great industrial nation is controlled

by its system of credit. Our system of credit is concentrated." See, they always got to write it so sophisticatedly. I can't even understand what the fuck they're talking about. Like that thing, Dwight D. Eisenhower, when he gives that speech about the industrial military complex, I watch that over and over again. I have no fucking idea what he's talking about. Even it's explained to me. Before I watched the speech and by the end of it I don't understand it. And I feel like he said it that way either because he was so fucking smart he couldn't relate to the common man, which I don't understand because he had all those soldiers soldiers or he said it that way

Because he had to say it in a way that he wouldn't get offed Right. I don't fucking know. Anyways, he said the growth of the nation therefore in all our activities are in the hands of a few men This is a president a former president wrote this Okay, so I don't want to hear any of you guys saying all conspiracy theories go fuck yourself Just like when I told you that the NBA was fixed and then there was the mobbed-up ref and you guys all tried To wiggle out of it. And what did they say? Oh, yeah, there was just one of them. Oh, yeah, what's there? There was just one of them Alright, we have to come To we have come to be one of the worst ruled, one of the most completely controlled and

dominated governments in the civilized world. No longer a government by free opinion, no longer a government by conviction and the vote of the majority, but a government by the opinion and duress of a small group of dominant men. Well, there you go. He still didn't quite fucking say what he did Jesus Christ God they got they got fucking you know what they did Woodrow they put Woody from Cheers their version of Cheers

Or their version of Woody from fucking Cheers. They put him in the office. What am I even talking about right now? I didn't want to talk about this. I was talking about soccer. How the fuck do I go from soccer to that? So anyways, this is Martin O'Neill, who I would not fuck with. He's all about an Irish brogue in those fucking glasses. You know, just somehow he teeth chop you to the throat. He said they got the short straw when they played France for whatever fucking reason. Oh, I never even finished the story, so I wanted to get my fucking head shaved. And they had that European Championship was on,

the highlights, the whole fucking, everybody in there was into the game, so I automatically got into it. So I hope you guys know I'm just fucking with you when it comes to that. It's just that when the world loves something, as a comedian, it's just so easy to make fun of it and to get the feedback that you want which is totally

People losing their minds Typing at you in all capital letters. It's just fun So anyways for some reason France got an extra three days To rest their tired legs and their swollen feet before they got to play the little footy game again and Ireland didn't like it You know, what's funny? The guy like trashes them and says, you know, we got fucked over three days is an incredible amount of time one side could have

as an advantage over another. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That said, France, France are a really, really fine team and good luck to them in the tournament. I love that shit after you fucking trash them. It was completely unfair. Go fuck yourself. But I haven't said that.

You got a hell of a team there. Hoity, ho, good luck to you there, matey. All right. Irish news, headlines. What's going on in Ireland? Roy Foster, Britain co-signed to margins by the stupid party. I don't know what that means. Mary Robinson. That's not a real name.

Mary Robinson? Is that an alias? Brexit could have a domino effect. What the fuck is Brexit? Isn't this shit Trump got in trouble for? That's what I loved about Trump this week. When he fucking went to Scotland and he goes, Yeah, just like Scotland, we we're gonna take our country back because I guess Scotland was voting about whether they still wanted to be a part of the European Union and Scotland overwhelmingly agreed to stay part of it evidently I don't know and Trump went there and didn't know it and I was reading like what everyone was saying and it was you know trashing Donald Trump and it was so similar to what people write to me every week John

Salley isn't dead you fucking moron I said the wrong name I didn't mean John Salley you know what what do you what do you want for me all right former president president of what Mary Robinson She was president of Ireland? You know what, she's a lovely lady. I'd vote for her. When the fuck was she president? Former president, Mary Robinson has said that young people in the UK must feel very let down by the outcome of the Brexit referendum and she appealed to the EU to remember its core values what other vague shit did she say Jesus Christ can you help out an American here what the fuck's going on over there

ah Christ is this some bullshit I have to know when I go over there some sort of referendum should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union what's going on with the European Union the EU what happens you guys formed a supergroup and now all the egos are getting in the way what happened how Greece's fucking economy went down and all the sudden it's fucking with you guys

you never do that never join a fucking group take it from a complete loner who does stand up. Right? You don't join a group. You know what I mean? You use a group. Okay? What do you guys do? Oh yeah? You cater parties? Alright, I'm having a party. I don't want to join your party operation. I'd like you to come over here and tie some balloons to some fucking lampposts. Could you do that? And how much would that cost?

And here's your check and get out of my life. That's how you do it. Why the fuck would you go? It's actually amazing that they got it done. You know what I mean? Considering all the fucking wars they've had over the years. You know? Fascism, communism, fucking,

whatever the fuck we're called, I don't know what the fuck we are. How the fuck did they do all that? Why did they do all that? That just all comes down to bankers. What was wrong with having the pound and then the fucking Ireland had the Shillelagh, right? What'd they have in Sweden?

I don't know what the fuck they had, some sort of thing, a little bit of that design, a little bit of a little sphincter. I don't fucking know. I don't understand why everybody has to get in bed with everybody else. It's gonna be better, it's gonna create more jobs. No it isn't, no it isn't.

It's just gonna make the people at the top make more fucking money. It's just like, you know, can we have more people to fuck in the ass? Can we have some of your people? What if we combined all the people, right? We fucking microchipped them, we phased out fucking money. What if we combined all the people, right? We fucking microchipped them. We phased out fucking money.

What if we did that, right? And now, yeah, everything's on your little microchip here, right? People getting mugged in the future is going to be fucking hilarious. It's going to be some fucking nerdy kid getting dragged in by a football player. He's going to grab a bunch of Dr. Peppers and some fucking Zagnut bars, and then they're going to grab the nerds wrist and fucking just keep swiping it Making them pay for all this shit right If you're fucking rich you're gonna you can't even go out of the fucking house

Someone's gonna grab you and take you to a Lexus dealership except a fucking Grab the guy just fucking fucking start scanning him. Oh, that'd be great. You know, it's not going to happen. They're going to have like 50 mil... Oh my God, there's going to be some shit going down. If you're going to have a microchip in your fucking body

that has every fucking cent you ever earned that you didn't blow on fucking Bud lights and hookers you know doesn't that make you like what's gonna stop somebody from just coming up and just sucker punching you and then carving your fucking microchip out of your arm right and then it's like they got an extra life and then they just have this fucking thing and they just start running around with tweezers, just scanning a bunch of shit. Why wouldn't they just, you know what they're gonna do?

They'll fucking chop your arm off, right? And then fucking hide your body, okay? You know, like, how they used to do that? Like, allegedly the Westies, they'd chop some guy's arm off, and then they would go around committing murders and then they'd take the arm out of the fridge and they'd put the fingerprints on the gun and then they'd just put the arm back in the fridge. If you get past the fucking humanity, it's really brilliant.

Slash borderline fucking hilarious. Man, I bet those guys could tell a story. Jesus Christ, you know, the shit they did, horrible shit, but Jesus, you have to be a funny bastard on some fucking level. I know you're out of your mind, but there is something fucking hilarious about that. You know, and then the cops, you know when they were drinking, the cops are just like, that's fucking guy he struck again. You know, and then the cops, you know when they were drinking, the cops are just like, that's fucking guy, he's struck again. You know, they were laughing, going, dude, you realize we're inventing a serial killer. And they'd all be sitting there laughing their balls off.

And then at some point, the laughter would die down is that they then realized like, wait a minute, we're kind of serial killers. Well, we're all doing it. It's a group effort, you know, it's not like it's one person. So yeah, you know whatever What another Jameson? Anyways, I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. I have no idea what's going on in the world and I evidently I need To learn it. I need to learn it before

You know, I go to Scotland they start handing up fuck those signs, you know, Trump is a cunt. I Just all of that shit. Donald Trump is fucking, he's back to being fucking hilarious again to me. Because I know he's not gonna win. He's not gonna win, the whole world can fucking relax. Everybody knows Hillary's getting it, okay? And what's funny is everybody's gonna relax,

like oh thank God we dodged that fucking bullet. Like Hillary is in a fucking bankers wet dream coming down like a fucking freight train now Jesus she better not get elected I'm getting fucking audited the amount of times I've trashed her oh my god oh god that fucking oh some of the shit I want to say I can't fucking say it because in this day and age you just you just cannot say that you understand why a certain person Did what he did? Jesus Christ just coming home to that fucking air-raid siren every fucking can you at least fucking you know

Doll yourself up a little bit Jesus Christ with the fucking the paper chase look over here I mean, what was the guy supposed to do? I'm just kidding Bill Clinton would fuck a hole in a tree And he would do it with his fucking pants down with this the fucking Secret service standing with their backs to him like five feet away They can literally fill in the feel the wind of his hips as he was pumping the tree. Guy's an animal. Day in and fucking day out, that guy is a fucking animal.

God bless, you know what, God bless him. God bless him. You know? It's just how he's wired. Do you guys ever see that episode of Cheaters? Remember that show that catch people cheating, right? And that lady cut the fuck, can anybody find this clip for me?

This lady, Southern Belle, she catches her fucking redneck guy stepping out on her, right, and this fucking guy, she, you know, he was supposed to be embarrassed, but he was hammered. She's like, oh my God, you fucking piece of shit, how could you do this? And she's, you know, sla piece of shit, how could you do this? And she's slapping, how the fuck could you do this? And he goes, well honey, did it ever dawn on you that maybe, just maybe, I was tired

of fucking you and I wanted to fuck someone else? And he said it, his delivery of that epic line was just it was like he was saying like Like hello, you know Fucking get your shit together The fucking answers right here like he said it was such he was putting it on her It was one of the one of them one of the more amazing things. I've seen a human being do in that situation You know what I mean? Anyways, let me get back to the fucking, what's going on here in Scotland?

What's going on here? Oh, by the way, so Belgium has been added, Germany has been added, even though I'm making, I think they're paying me like, with a couple of steins of beer, which I don't give a fuck. I just want to go over there. I'm that close, you know? I'm going to do Germany, some weird fucking town I never heard of. And then I'm driving over to Belgium and I'm not doing,

what the fuck, what's the fucking capital of Brussels? I don't fuck it. What is it? No, it is Brussels, right? Belgium, Brussels, right? Sorry, I'm doing like 20 things here. I just realized I never found out who the fuck Mary Robinson was.

Jesus Christ, she must have been a great, she looks honest as the fucking days long. Mary Robinson for president. Oh, I tell ya, she's good as a button, but I'll tell ya, I wouldn't wanna cross her in a fucking chilele field. Is that what you guys said over there? What the fuck is a chilele, Bill?

You don't know. All right, Mary Robinson. Mary! Mary, Mary. Oh Jesus, that's an unfortunate fucking picture. Jesus Christ, has she ever used conditioner in her life? Her fucking hair looks like the Hollywood Hills right before they catch on fire. Jesus Christ, has she ever used conditioner in her life? Her fucking hair looks like the Hollywood Hills

right before they catch on fire. Did the Santa Ana winds come out of her fucking hairdryer? Oh, I thought she was dead. She's not dead, is she? In office from 1969 to 1989. She's 72 years old. She's got three kids. Wait a minute. Wait, Mary, three, seven, fucking, where was she? I was born the 21st of May, 1944. In the back of a Jameson truck. I don't have time to read all of this. Presidency.

All right, open the fucking link, you cunt. Robinson was inaugurated as the seventh president of Ireland under- Well, how many fucking- How long do you stay in office? Seven presidents? Since caveman days? She proved a remarkably popular president, earning the praise of Brian Linehan himself. Well, shit, if Brian says it, well then fuck, you know? Before his death, five years later, sorry Brian says it, well then fuck, you know? Before his death, five years later, sorry Brian and the Linehan family, said that she was a better president than he ever could have been. Oh, that was a guy they went after. You can't elect this fucking

her! Alright, I'm sorry, she was great. That was every fucking accent over there. She took an office that had a reputation as being little more than a retirement position for a prominent politician and breathe new life into the role. How is that a retirement position? You're president of Ireland. Oh god, I got some questions when I get over there. Brian fucking Linehan. Let's see what Brian Linehan looked like. As you get older, you really want to see what people look like to figure out why they died. Brian Linehan. Brian Linehan.

Let's see what he looks like. Let's see the old, give me the, ah, you fucking in-shape cunt. Come on, man, you're supposed to have the heart attack face. Oh, that's not the guy. Cleo, did you just fart? What's that? Hang on a second. What the fuck is the guy's name here? Brian Linehan. He died five years ago.

Actually, the guy I just looked up was from Canada. I still have a chance here that this guy was... Oh my god. Do I have to hit fucking pause to find this again all right presidency brian linehan all right there it is brian linehan come on you cunt ireland ireland oh the emerald isle okay there we go let's see what this fucking dead son of a bitch. Oh, there it is. Oh, yeah That's a heart attack face if I ever saw I'm saying heart attack I'm going heart attack

He died on my birthday was an Irish and A barrister. What the fuck is that? Does that mean he sings while he tends bar? And a barrister what the fuck is that? Does that mean he sings while he tends bar? Death just get the death died okay died then oh god this better not be a disease Come on. I say heart attack heart attack nice and quick Pancreatic cancer 52 fuck I'm to 48! Jesus Christ. Alright, let's get off this fucking subject.

Um, my condolences to the Linehan family. Anyways, such a fucking... It's the fucking worst. I got a buddy of mine. This is something too. I'm going to be doing a benefit coming up. I just have to figure out how to put it together. I got a really good friend of mine. his wife just got cancer for the second time and they're getting fucking buried in Bill's. So I'm gonna put together a show out here in LA

and all the proceeds are gonna go to that. That's fucking sad. All right, I'm sorry. I thought it was gonna be something. Heart attack's fucking funny, right? You just stand in there, hey Bill, you want another egg? You know, actually, and just. Whenever you drop dead, people laugh at first

because they think you're fucking around. Like, wow, man, he really committed to that fucking face plant. Bill? Right, and all of a sudden you just lay in there. All right, I'm sorry. Oh, last week, you know, I recommended that you guys go to the All Things Comedy website,

you know, for all these great podcasts and videos and all this shit So of course these fucking Millennials they get there and they just stare at it. They're fucking overwhelmed So like who can you at least tell me a couple of podcasts that you like? Then maybe I can look at because I can't do anything myself. All right Last week Ari Shaffir From the skeptic tank podcast did a podcast with comedian, I'm going to butcher this name, Hormoz Rashidi, that's how I'm saying it, about the Middle East.

It's hilarious and informative. This dude was born in Iran. So rather than listening to Bill O'Reilly talk about the Middle East even though he's never fucking been there, or fucking Wolf fucking Blitzer! All these talking heads with their books, you know, and their lines of suits, right? From the Bill O'Reilly collection, from the Wolf, this is a Wolf Blitzer tie, right? Whatever the fuck it is that they do to get their extra whore money, you know?

Who do you think has a better walk in closet? Bill O'Reilly or Wolf Blitzer? You know, with all their fucking shiny loafers. You know, set just so. You know, all their suits all lined up, their pocket squares and all of that shit You know what I mean? They fucking take you downstairs to the wine cellar and show you these bottles of wine that fucking hundreds of years old You see that look at that look at that I get this for lying every day on television. Isn't that amazing?

Come on you do coke you want to do some coke. All right, just a downy I just pick an eye to ask you know the wife does wife's got a rule No coke on the fucking main floor Anyways, I was speaking to my wife. Oh, let me tell you my wife. It's a rough one, you know I Got this new thing that I that I'm into man, and you think it wouldn't be a big deal. I like I Like fucking tennis and golf shirts. I like them.

They're comfortable, they're breathable. It's a college shirt. People let you into restaurants when you wear them and she fucking hates them. I like the eyes on tennis wear. So today I'm walking out of the house to go meet a buddy of mine and I got one of those on and I got these fucking,

I got these Phil Mickelson shorts, whatever the fuck they are just they're just black shorts or whatever As I'm walking out I got I need I'll see you later. She goes alright. She goes till tiger woods. They said what's up She fucking hates how I dress and this this is one of these things where, you know, as much as you want to remain your own person when you're in a relationship, when you've the person you fucking says you're not you don't look good, it affects you. But there's some I have this is how comfortable these fucking shirts are. I don't think I give a shit. I think for the first time ever, I don't care that my wife doesn't I think for the first time ever I don't care that my wife

Doesn't approve of what the fuck I'm wearing They had that fucking comfortable. You never have to iron them. They're great. They're fucking great So I was I was at the mall there I really should fucking this is just like free advertising for all these fucking people What's the shit that the honor roll student wears? What's it called? Body armor? Yeah, we're not taking that shit in our house.

Clothes, whatever, over the top fucking sports thing. Armor wear, underarm, whatever the fuck it is. You know what it is. Defense shields, some fucking Space Odyssey shit. You know what it is Defense shields some fucking space odyssey shit, you know the fucking thing the thing that Steph Curry wears It's an underarm under armor. That's what it is under arms deodorant bill under armor, right? They got some fucking they got some great clothes So I I knew I knew she didn't like that shit cause I said to her for my birthday. I go, I don't, I don't fucking need it.

You know what I would love though? The summers, the summers here. And the time is right for wearing some golf clothes. So I told her that, you know, I told her, just give me a couple of those shirts and pairs of shorts and I'll be fine. I'll be good. She's like, oh yeah. And usually she's such into fashion. She gets excited when I told her she'd get me a couple of those shirts and pairs of shorts and I'll be fine. I'll be good. She's like, oh yeah.

And usually she's such into fashion, she gets excited when I tell her the clothes. And you know, my fucking birthday comes along and I got to tell you, there was not a hint of any of that shit. So I called her on it like a couple days ago. I said, hey, you know, I noticed, you know, I asked you for those things. They're not expensive. You were right there and it was an easy, it was an easy gift to get me to pad, you know,

make it look like you actually spent time shopping, you know, which is why I always go when I get a little, some workout clothes, that's always an extra, yeah, you go right there, friend. You give them a couple more and it looks like you give a shit, you know, more than you, yeah, I'm not saying you don't give a shit, but who the fuck wants to shop nobody Alright, I don't want to do it. Therefore. Nobody wants to do it. That's how that's my worldview

Okay, I'm really starting to learn from Trump if I feel something then Everybody else also feels it and if they don't then we should ram it down their throats And somewhere in there we take take their coats. Isn't that how it works? Have you ever seen a guy like Less tough in your life talk so fucking tough like I don't know I Don't understand like he he's mistaking having money with actually being physically intimidating With that stupid scowl on his face. I don't know

If like Gene Simmons had a brother that didn't make it that wasn't in a band That's what he looks like. He looks like he's related to Gene Simmons and he resents Gene's success Anyways plowing ahead here. So my wife fucking hates this shit. I called her on it I was just going like you you didn't like that stuff did you and she just fucking started smiling looking down at her food and I was over there today and I I was gonna stop and going and buy some and I didn't and the only reason why I didn't is because it's Sunday and it's a mall and That's just like I don't know. I don't know because it's Sunday and it's a mall and that's just like I don't know

I don't know what it is I don't know what it is about the weekends and malls not I understand kids going there teenagers going there because then you run into other teenagers and you fucking go like hey will you go out with me right you do that shit at least that's what we did when we were of that age but like parents like I just don't understand what why would you go there? Especially if you get like some little kid and you got to fucking push them around that goddamn stroller Trying to weave in and out of all those people. I just can't imagine the fucking misery of that You know, that's definitely a wife idea

You know, we should go to the mall today. I don't want to go you know, I have all these theories as to why men die before women. And you know what it is? Women have to include you in their shitty day. You know, I fucking, it was my sister-in-law's birthday this weekend, right? So we ended up going to a movie.

I was all excited. We saw, what did we see? We saw Independence Day. Woo! It was actually so bad, it was good. We actually ended up having a great time. And I don't wanna ruin the movie, but like the fact that the white guy president has to come back

You know And get shit done is a little fucked up, you know, Hollywood tries to be liberal, you know They'll have a chick president. They'll have a black guy flying a fucking jet and all that type of shit But at the end of the day, they bring back the old founding father to come in and save the day bring back the old founding father to come in and save the day. Anyway, so I had a great time doing that. Right. So the next night, you know, my wife's going to go meet some friends. I think it was actually was a continuation of the birthday celebration and I was actually tired. So I wasn't going to go. So, um,

I was just like, you know what? I'm going to hang in. Um, I have a ton of shit to do because I sit in a writer's room all fucking day. So she goes, fine. I'm like, great. This is perfect. I'll get a bunch of shit done and blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that type of stuff.

So right around the time, it's time for her to go. And I'm about ready to have a beer or anything. And she just goes, can you drive me over? She didn't say it like that. But she probably said, honey, can you drive me over? She didn't say it like that, but that's what she probably said, honey, can you drive me over? But like, cause I didn't want to do it, that's what it sounded like. And I was just like, you can't,

why don't you drive yourself over? And she's just like, why don't you drive yourself over? So I go full fucking Uber. She's like, but I want you to take me, you know? And I just went like, why can't, you know, I'm home. Why do you gotta, you're the one who's going across fucking town.

You're going across town. Why do I gotta go across town too? You know why, You fucking know why. So at the end of the fucking day, if they have something shitty to do, they can't do, they can't fucking do it on their own. Somehow you gotta be, that's like when they have a fucking kid now,

they drag the husband in there. What the fuck is he doing in there? What the fuck is he doing in there? What the fuck is he doing in there? He's not a doctor. Do you know, I know a guy went in there he fucking saw what was going on, he passed out. Now they got two patients. The fuck is that, you know?

Well, if I have to go through this, why, well, fucking talk to God. Talk to God for once for once for once The shit ran your way and now I got to go in there too So you can hold my fucking hand and break my goddamn finger That's fucking that is the fact that fucking men gave into that shit That you got to fucking be in there is the if you were getting fucking

Gallbladder surgery would I be standing in there holding your fucking hand? I don't know. But I guess if fucking him gave him gallbladders, I don't know, not gallbladders, kidney stones or some shit, I guess you'd have to be, it's the dumbest shit and the fucking, it's the stupidest shit ever my wife is talking if we have every kid you're gonna go in there like no she got so fucking mad at me over a hypothetical child you know if I was smart I just would have said I'm getting smarter though if I was

smarter smart married guys go absolutely I don't know what's out there I'll be right if there was a way to put the baby in me I would fucking shit it out my ass anything for you sweetheart right oh I'm getting heated here right I'm getting smarter though as a married man cuz I'll tell you this right now the other when we went to go see the movie I got there first okay and I got there it was a seven o'clock show I got there by like 630 and I was like fuck you know I got time maybe I'll you know it was a place to get a sandwich I didn't want to eat movie food so I got a wrap and then they fucking had a beer too and by the way I every fucking time I order this is beer from Mexico it sucks. I'm not saying all their beer stinks,

but I gotta tell you, let me tell you, that fucking beer stinks. I'm gonna get you the name of this right fucking, it's gonna be a reverse commercial. There it is. The fuck is that shit called? Modelo? Hang on a second, I think that's what it's called. It is the fucking most bitter, hoppy,

fucking... it's like a job trying to get the thing down. But it was still a beer, so at the end of the day, it's not all bad. So I'm sipping this beer. I'm having this sandwich. I got plenty of time to eat it. I'm fucking relaxed. My wife, the lovely Nia, she texts me. She goes, hey, I'm almost there. And I, like a dope, I started to text. Hey, I'm already here. I'm having a sandwich and a beer, okay? Now this is the deal for all you youngsters out there. One of the things women hate the most is when their guy is having fun without them.

All right? So any fucking time you're having a good time and they're not there you gotta... How's it going? Ah, you know, it's kinda crowded. You always say it sucks. Okay? If you're having a good time and they're not there, it's fun, look at me, she takes me. You're gonna have to fucking deal with that shit, right? This is a thing my wife is as cool as it gets. All right, I still have to go through this shit So I almost fucking texted her. I'm sitting here having a rap enjoying a fucking beer Blah-blah-blah-blah, and then you know what I was like, what the fuck am I doing?

If I say this she's gonna then say, can you get me one? Or she's gonna tell me to go over and go get the fucking tickets. She's gonna give me a job. There's no fucking way she's gonna allow me to just sit here and relax and enjoy this sandwich and this beer that I fucking pay for. I've worked all fucking day. What am I, a fucking asshole? So I just erased all of it,

and rather than saying all of that, you know, I'm on my way over here, oh, I'm sitting here having a sandwich and a beer. I erased all of that and I just wrote, okay, send. That was it. I didn't say I was there. I didn't say I wasn't there.

And I sat there and I enjoyed it, I didn't say I wasn't there. And I sat there and I enjoyed it even though that beer was not my favorite. And then I ended up walking over and I ran into my sister-in-law and then like a dope, I text my wife going, yeah, I'm just, you know, I'm here with your sister and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she immediately texts back, okay, buy the tickets immediately. Fucking here's a job for you. Here's a fucking job.

You know? And she always goes, well, I'm just trying to streamline our life. No, you're not, no, you're not. You're treating me like you're fucking assistant. 37 minutes, holy fuck, what am I doing here? So that's one for you, okay? This is what you do, you kiss them,

you tell them you love them, you tell them they're beautiful every fucking day, but I tell you this, okay? When you're having a good time and they're not there, you never ever tell them you're having a good time. No fucking pictures, none of that shit, because they will sit there and they'll either, you'll sit there, you'll be that guy, you know that guy on the... While everybody's having a good time, the guy in the corner is on the phone talking to his girl.

Why is he talking to his girl? Because he told her he was having fun! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Get your fucking head in the game. Alright, by the way, the Australian Grand Prix is coming up this Sunday, alright? Because I'm going fucking nuts right now. No hoop, no hockey, no football. It's driving me fucking crazy. And the fucking goddamn Dodgers struck up some fucking deal with I don't know who, I

don't know where their games are, I don't even know if they fucking exist anymore. I can never watch a Dodgers game. Sucks. Alright, so anyways, here we go. Alright, mercifully, that's over. The advertising is over. Alright, where the fuck is the Reeds for this week? Um, okay. Lab-grown food. Alright, hey Bill. Wondering if you've heard of lab-grown meats. Basically, scientists have figured out a way to make plants

taste like meat. Why are they fucking with the food supply? I don't understand what they're doing. This could eliminate our need to raise and kill millions of cows a year and help stop the ass gas coming from these cows from continuing to ruin our planet. I'm not sure how I feel about it but I like the idea of it. Here's an example from the article. The impossible burger is more than just peas and carrots smashed together. It's the result of some pretty high-tech research. Brown's team analyzes meat at a molecular level to determine what makes a burger taste, smell, and cook the way it does. He wants his burger to be squishy while raw. Gross! Then firm up and brown on the grill. He believes everything from an animal from

an animal's fat tissue to muscle cells can be replicated using plant compounds. Before starting the company, Brown had a hunch that a certain ingredient made meat taste different than other foods. I had a strong suspicion early on that I Don't I say HEME HEM would be the magic ingredient for flavor not hemp Said Brown. Here's a link to the whole article. Would you eat this? Thanks. Come back to Boston No, I try not to fuck with that type of shit. No, I would not eat that If I want meat, I eat meat if I want ice cream. I get ice cream. I don't get low-fat ice cream I don't try to eat ice cream. That doesn't make me fat because you're gonna pay the price somehow. All right, and

The reason why there's so many fucking cows shitting and farting into the fucking air is because there's so many people the problem Time and time again, there's too many fucking people. That is the fucking problem. So okay, we all switch to these fucking plants. Then what are we gonna do? Then we're gonna need all this water to grow all these fucking plants. We are too much of a fucking burden on the natural resources of this planet.

We need to thin the fucking herd. That's the deal. That's it. Everybody, if you want a kid, you have one, two at the fucking most. So, you know, you're not creating more people than there is you. Right? Would that work out? No, that wouldn't work out, because then if they both have two, then you created two people who then go create two each. No, it keeps getting bigger. One kid. Right? Everybody has one kid. Two creates one. Another two

meet and they create one. That's the only way to reverse fuck our way out of this thing. And if you never have kids, you ought to get some sort of massive tax break. I think that that's what you should do. So then scientists don't have to sit around and like, you know, well you know at some point there's gonna be no more steak because there's gonna be too many fucking people. you know, well, you know, at some point there's going to be no more steak because there's going to be too many fucking people. You know, I don't want to live on a planet with no steak, you know, and I would like to go back to just the way cows just sort of ran around, chickens ran around. Then every I don't know why you just gave me all right there for it as opposed to having

miserable lives. You know, I don't know. Anyways, let's blow ahead. I don't know how I feel about the whole. I fucking love animals and I hate when people torture them and treat them like shit and all that I also like eating them I love chicken. I love steaks I Love fish. I like all that shit So like you know if we could just get somebody to get out from underneath these corporation cunts and just get everybody on the same

Page and be like look. This is what we're doing. Okay. This is the problem This is what everybody needs to okay this is the problem this is what everybody needs to do to try to at least keep it at bay you know but there's none of that you know what i mean it's just this i don't it doesn't come from the right fucking people all right getting through college fuck hey mr burr um how do i get through this college shit? I'm currently taking anatomy. And physiology won! In the summer, since I failed it and it fucking blows ass. Well, why are you taking it?

Did you ever feel like when you were going to college you just couldn't do it? Because maybe there was that one class that was impossible to pass? If so, how did you get through it? You know, it's hard for me to even imagine passing this class ever getting a... I don't know what that is. I can't even say it. K-I-N-E-S-Iology. Kinesiology degree? Sam Kinesiology? Sam Kinison degree. Thanks. By the way, I saw on your Wikipedia page that you died and I felt horrible. I know you don't care, but just thought I'd tell you. Oh, well, you know. Well, that's good. Well, I guess I don't have to pay taxes

this year. Um, anyways, uh, all right. Do you ever think that you're in the wrong major or maybe you're in the wrong school? Like Like life shouldn't be that fucking hard, dude. It's not like you're dumb if you're taking these kinds of classes. I would say that the turning point in my college career was when I decided that I wanted to be a standup comedian. And I still wanted to get a college degree for whatever reason. It was important to my parents, and I don't know, I just wanted to be a college degree for whatever reason. It was important to my parents

and I don't know, I just wanted to be a college graduate. I don't know why. So I got out of the college that I was at and I transferred to Emerson College, which was more of a performance school and people made movies and there was acting and radio and all of this shit. And all of a sudden my grades went up because I was doing shit that I was into. But there was a couple of fucking classes that just sucked. There's always gonna be a couple of those. How do you get through?

You know what you do? Don't blow it off. Because if it's already hard, you get three days behind in that thing It's it's gonna be like being a month behind for you So what I would do is I would just stay on that shit and just be like, alright Plus dude this taking over the summer is a joke dude. It's practically impossible You know, I was so old by the time I fucking graduated college that like man transferred to Emerson I was like I

Think I was almost 23 years old and I was still just beginning my sophomore year. I Transferred there in January of whatever year By December of the following year. I had done three years of college. I just fucking I just I Just said fuck this and I did I finished my sophomore year The January to April and then in the summer I picked up a semester So I finished that then the next year was my junior year And then I went to summer school again picked up another semester And then the following fall was my second semester my senior year, and that was it

I gave it the old right there Fred and fucking out of here But what you have to do is when you're going straight through like that or if you're doing like the summertime shit is you got to stay on it just treat it like a fucking job it's actually a good exercise it's something that sucks it's something that you hate and you just you know rather than running from just turn around and face it and get through it if this is the degree you want but sometimes if it's that fucking hard it means that you're a square peg You know rather than running from just turn around and face it and get through it if this is the degree you want um, but sometimes if it's that fucking hard, it means that you're

a square peg trying to go into a round hole and you need to Go after what you really want to fucking do because you know when you do what you want to do You have a passion for it and it's it's easy um Cheap hill that was original. Well, whatever that that did fit that advice fit. All right Would you consider a Vegas residency? Dear Cunty McCunface, at this point in your career, if offered, would you accept a comedy residency in Las Vegas? Or would you be offended as there's plenty of life in that old dog yet? If not, how bad would your career have to be going before you accepted and which hotel would you like to work in?

Next time you come to Australia, play a gig in... Adelaide? I don't know. We're not all backwards fucks. I mean, I never thought you were. Take it easy, you cunt. Would I do that? Well, I couldn't.

Well, if I didn't have efforts for family or anything like that I Don't think that that's for me. I I think my act would dry up if I just stayed in the same venue Having said that the way you're the way you're framing that gig as if it's a sad thing that happens to comedians, dude, those are multi-million dollar contracts. And anybody who's ever done one of those,

as long as they didn't go to the crap table after their show every night, rides off into the sunset like with bags and bags of cash That's just something that I have no interest in at this point in my career In doing I I still like traveling and that type of stuff. I do have to tell you though If it just wasn't Vegas I, that town does nothing for me. Just sitting there in the fucking desert, I would go nuts. But I do have to say that, you know, if I could, you know, all of a sudden just get off the road, I totally understand why comedians do that after a while.

Um, alright. so there you go. All right, and I'll tour your fucking town. I'll try to get close to it next time, all right? Okay, Bill, getting people you hate fired. All right, this already sounds evil. Hey Bill, love your shit. I'm almost 30, mistakes are made, and now I work at a shit factory.

I shovel literal shit with a payloader for about 10 hours a day, which isn't so bad, but it's made worse by my terrible coworkers. It's a small operation. Everyone is about twice my age, and for the most part, they are pretty average blue collar guys. We all hate our boss and his yes man, Aaron Boy. About Aaron Boy.

He's the kind of guy who is always right, done his way, run and tell the boss what the rest of us are doing, rat bastard type. All right. He's also the kind of guy who says the N-word to let the rest of us know. He's a no-guff-taking, no-shits-given type of guy. He's not. He's white, is the driven snow, and think he's Indian because he purchased a t-shirt at Walmart with wolves on it. Dude, this is fucking pretty random so far. Well, today I took my stand.

I snitched to human resources. Oh, you fucking rat bastard. He goes, I told them how one black employee knows Aaron boy a racist Dude you your punk you have no punctuation in this This is the end. You know, I didn't like how in the beginning you just fucking played the victim like I'm almost 30 mistakes Were made and now I work at a shit factory like you just glossed over all your stuff And then you're saying you got terrible co-workers. Oh, well, what about we what about you? You're fucking off a punctuation here Mistakes were made mistakes are continuing to be made sir

All right. Let me try to get through that I told him how one our one black employee knows Aaron Boyce a racist and that he's pissed I also told them about the weird sexual shit He says like fisting his girlfriend all of this is true And the guys a complete asshole who knows the boss won't fire him and he takes a complete advantage of that by making our lives Hell is this like Animal House is the's name Niedermeyer? Anyway, I come home and smoke some weed because that's what you do when you shovel shit and now I'm feeling shitty myself. I hate the guy and I really hate my boss but sure enough human resources called me and I could sense

their panic. My money's on their fire, on their firing him. Everyone else at work wants him gone and is hoping he gets fired, but now I'm starting to feel bad. He's an asshole who I hate and I feel like I'm sticking it to the man, but that I go too far. I don't, I'm not big on ratting people out,

to be honest with you. Was there a way that you could have gone to him and just said, hey, listen, not for nothing, I don't want to listen to you dropping the N-word, you know? And I don't want to listen to you talking about fisting your girlfriend. That has nothing to do with the job. Okay? And then he would make your life unbelievably. And then I would, that's what you should have done.

You should have come in, all you guys should have just approached him Right like Mickey Rourke at the end of Popage of Greenwich Village Cuz of a tape I took off a fucking dead cop right you just come up to him and just say listen. Here's the deal Okay, you're still our supervisor, but no longer you drop in the n-word and no longer you talking about fisting your girlfriend around us We don't want to hear it anymore. You understand us? If you do, we're going to Human Resources. All right?

What a fucking creepy name. Human Resource. So fucking disgusting. Yeah, that's what you should have done. But you know what? You live and you learn. This guy sounds like a cunt though. You know what I mean?

Just do that in the future. Oh, and then you could say, and by the way, if you try to get any of us fired, that's going down too. So basically what we're saying is you've lost all control to intimidate us now, but we'll still do what you say as long as you're not a cunt. All right? Go fuck yourself. Run along.

Why don't you do that? You like what I just pitched there? That's like when the cast of Friends all got together and negotiated together. Right? They got their money. You could do that at your shit factory! Alright, laying off the booze. Hey Billy Bluntz, after hearing you talk about drying out,

you really inspired me to do the same. I drink entirely too much right now. After about 8 days of daily commitment, I'm up to about a half a fifth a day with the odd beer mixed in. Wait, I thought you said... After about eight years of daily commitment. Oh, I thought it was eight days. I thought he was like drying out and then all of a sudden he's boozing. That confused me. All right. After about eight years of daily commitment, I'm up to about half a fifth a day with an odd beer mixed in. I know it's a lot, but I've worked up my tolerance so much that I don't really get drunk anymore.

I just lose an hour here and there. No big deal, right? Yeah, that's called blacking out. Anyways, I was able to quit smoking weed after five years of heavy daily use, no problem. I was even able to quit using Oxycontin, Jesus, after about three years of eating and sniffing pills all damn day. I've been able to maintain a normal life while going through these ups and downs. I'm married with a kid and a house and a great job. If you make more than a million dollars, I probably manage your retirement account. But despite being able to put the hard shit down, booze has been the hardest so far. Last week I decided to jump off the wagon with you.

It's been hard as hell, but I've been able to stick to it better than I ever had. I'm trying to limit beers to two a day and only drink liquor on the weekends. I've slipped once, but I'm doing my fucking best. I don't have a question, more of a request. Please keep us updated on your progress. It's helping me with my own journey because none of my friends really drink at all, much less the way I do.

And my wife doesn't even know the extent of my issue, which is an issue on its own. Yeah, it is. Makes my struggle a bit easier to hear you having the same troubles as I have with sticking to my resolution. Thanks for giving me the kick in the ass. I need to get my shit together. All right, dude, this is what you need to do. All right? After just saying, don't text your wife that you're having a good time, you got to let

you know, you got to let your wife know about this. This is a major thing. You're not sitting there eating a fucking turkey wrap, having a fucking bitter Mexican beer whatever the fuck it was called I would talk to her about it because then she can she can watch it dude I can't fucking watch I can't I can't do this for you you need to have your wife involved in this and just say listen I've been drinking entirely too much and I need your help all right so I gotta be honest with you, dude. I try, like right now I have a beer a day and that's only because my wife had some people over

and they left a bunch of beer in the fridge and it's taken up all this space and I don't wanna dump it down the sink. You know, I'm not dumping out a bunch of beers. I just have one a day. And what sucks is their corona light which are fucking horrific Um, so I don't even enjoy them Um, but I just have like one a day

Uh, but last night You know, it was saturday night i'm home You know I got the best fucking bar in town. I got high-end booze And you know, I had a couple of home pours which you know as I've mentioned before there's the bar pour and there's the home pour because you can lie to yourself that you're having two

scotches a night but you know when you go out to a bar and you see what their scotches are you like oh wait did I say two I meant nine. So yeah like last night you know I had a couple, three of those after having the beer during the day and I woke up today, I felt like I got hit by a truck. You know, it was awful. I walked my dog around the block and I shook it off and I was just like, like, you know what it is at nighttime, it's brutal. Being sober at night sucks, but being sober in the waking up the next day, stone sober,

is the greatest. It's, it's, it feels better than getting shit-faced So You know and my wife you know she stays on me she stays on me about it It's weird like I don't want like you sound like you know you you're You've had some hardcore luckily. I don't have like an addictive personality my thing is I have time. I have free fucking time.

And I get into like, and I'm a creature of habit. Like if I can't, if I like, this is how I work. Like if I was to go out and buy a fucking pint of ice cream, right? And I was to wolf that fucking thing down one night, I would start doing that. That's what I would do. So like if I, you know, and all these fucking addicts

who go to AA and all that shit, they always try to make sure, they try to make like everybody's a fucking addict. You know, I'm not, dude. I don't have like a fucking bottle in the back of my fucking toilet and shit, sitting there shaking, drinking, fucking mouthwashing shit. You know what I mean? I just like drinking. I enjoy it, you know what I mean?

But as I get older, like just paying for it the next day is making it not fucking worth it, so I just don't do it. And whenever I decide to stop, I just stop and it sucks for a few days and then what it is, is it's not part of my daily routine and then I literally just Forget about it You know, but I don't know you seem like a little bit Beyond that so I would definitely reach out to you your wife and

See if she can help you and maybe if she can help you you stop there and if you need more help, I would go do that but uh don't depend on me because I don't have any kids and I live like a fucking 14 year old so I'm not a good person to Use I mean having said that I'm just doing a beard day if that helps you. All right Okay STD Oh Jesus Alright. Okay. STDOJESUS. STDOJESUS. Alright. Bill- Billy, what's that red mark?

I don't know what that means. Is that something else I need to be self-conscious about? Alright. This is a gnarly one. I recently found out that I have HPV aka genital warts. And he says, gross, it's actually very common and it's just a few small bumps, but it fucking sucks. Anyways, it can show up years after you've received it. So I have no idea who I got it from. Once again, another great reason to get married,

to stay out of that fucking world. Here's my question. I recently met an amazing girl. We have a lot of the same interests. Here's my question. I recently met an amazing girl. We have a lot of the same interests. She's a hard 10. Yada, yada, yada. Point is, I really like her.

I'm getting treated for the HPV, but I respect her enough to tell her of the risks she's getting into in case it goes that far. So, Bill, how do I tell her that I have an STD and that there's a small chance she could get it? I don't want to mess up this opportunity But my other options are basically to move to a cabin in the woods for six months until this is completely gone Thought it'd be funny to hear your advice. Oh, dude fucking yeah, you got a teller

Totally 100% teller and then just don't just say listen So I can't do anything for six months other Than to get to know you better You know and this is the thing if she doesn't want to stick around for that. Hey, God bless her who gives a fuck You know what I mean? You got to look at it like well, what else wouldn't she stick around for but then again? You're also coming out of the gate saying you got a fucking STD. Yeah,, there's no right or wrong answer other than to not, you got to tell people that shit. You know?

Don't you wish the person that had it told you? You don't want to, you got to break the chain there. Women are so much more advanced emotionally, so much more, They understand love, they understand emotions, they understand so much more than guys do. And it's not our fault, it's not their fault the way that they are and all that type of shit. It's just how we're fucking wired. I don't fucking understand it. It is what it is. But you know, if she really likes you and she's understanding And then you're sitting there saying if she's a hard ten people are trying to fuck her all the time So you're gonna be going like listen Here's something embarrassing, but it's gonna be cleared up in six months, and I respect you enough to tell you You know we could hang out get to know each other better and all that type of stuff

But you know there's no way I'm having sex with you or anybody else You'll come off responsible you You come off as honest. And if that's what the fuck she's looking for, she'll stick around. If she doesn't then fucking lay low for six months, lay low for fucking six months. And then, you know, whatever, go to the gym and get fucking shredded. No, don't do that. You'll get more ladies coming up to you. Stay away Anyways, let's

Let's let me let me finish off this fucking podcast. What are we up to here? I? Weren't eight minutes. All right, there's anything else I wanted to talk about. Oh, oh fucking Billy red face is Finally gonna get himself a car. I'm gonna order it this fucking week cuz they don't have the color that I want and if I'm gonna buy a new car, old frugal Freddy's getting the fucking color that he wants and I'm not gonna tell you guys what kind of car that I'm getting because I because I want to enjoy the process. I don't want to say what the fuck you getting that one for? You fucking good That one for you fucking get this one you go get the one you want

But I fucking looked at everything I looked at the JLA. I looked at the fuck. I looked at a BMW I looked at a Lexus. I decided that I want one of those fucking four-door sedans that fucking cruises I found the BMW to basically be You know, I love the German, like, precision, precision? How come I can't say that? Precision. There you go. But I don't think I can speak.

You know, you could just sit in it. You just feel the German, all of it. No wasted movements here. The suspension is stiff. If you want a comfortable ride ride you get the seven series I Looked at a Lexus. I don't like that grill. It looks like Darth Vader's mouth on his fucking helmet and I Don't know I don't know I think I found the one though I

Literally looked at everything Mercedes BMW Jaguar Lexus The whole fucking thing, you know, I'm not getting the sick-ass model I'm getting the one that's decking that has the right end This is what this is what I'm gonna get a four-door sedan that has the biggest fucking engine I in that I can get in it right and But I'm not gonna buy a high-end car so I can still take it to the fucking grocery store.

And when some cunt fucking opens that door into my car, it's not gonna kill me. You know what I mean? Cause I don't get, I just don't understand having a high-end car, like psycho high-end. Like I'm buying a mid-range You know Car I mean all of them seem fucking high end to me because I've driven a Prius for nine fucking years Do you guys know i'm on my fourth car of my life? That's all i've had

At an 83 ford ranger then I had this fuck I bought a used I bought that used I drove that for fucking 10 years and then and then it burned down to the side of the road that's a long fucking story then I bought a uh in like 96 or 97 I bought a 1988 honda accord four to a five-speed fucking love that car and it was the top of the line Honda Accord, the DX, whatever the fuck it was. It was fun. That was a great fucking car. And then I got then I moved back to New York, so I didn't need a car. Wait a minute. Yeah. And then I bought my Prius and then I got the F-100. That's all I've had. That's pretty fucking good.

Right. Almost 50 fucking years old. I've been driving since 1984. Jesus's all I've had. That's pretty fucking good, right? Almost 50 fucking years old. I've been driving since 1984. Jesus Christ, I'm old. I've been driving for 32 fucking years. I've had basically, I've had three cars, right? One, two, three, four. Four cars. That's pretty fucking good, huh, Frugal Freddy? So I've had enough of the Prius. I had enough of it. You know what's funny about that car? Because it's a Toyota and I've changed the oil and I've maintained it and everything. Like there is a major part of me that wants to drive that car for the rest of my fucking life. Because it's hilarious to me because I know I could get a million miles out of that car. Because at the end of the day all these fucking

dopes whose cars shit the bed. Unless like you know remember like the BMWs a few years ago when they were just designed to fall apart at 50 to 60 thousand miles You know unless it's being done on purpose at the end of the fucking day the engine block It's made out of fucking steel like that that thing's not supposed You're not supposed to have any problems with that that thing in theory all of that shit should last for fucking ever Granted thing here a thing there will come loose or something like that, but the engine itself When people just have the when your engine is just fried, the valves are fried and all that shit, you weren't maintaining the fucking car. And for the life of me now, when you can go to all of these fucking places,

I still never go to Jiffy Lube, I still take it to the dealership. Jiffy Lube, because it's so getting in and out of there. I always get nervous as you always hear those stories that, you know, they drain the oil out and they forget to put it back in. Basically, the poltergeist, you know, you move the headstones but you didn't move the bodies. It's basically the car version of that. Like they take the fucking oil out and, you know, whoever's supposed to put it in up top

doesn't do it. The guy down the bottom, he just drains the fucking oil, right? Then he puts the plug back in and then he's got the fucking grease gun He loops the chassis all up hits all the points right like he fucking knows Like he even knows what model you have and where where they all are right? He's just fucking looking for those plugs to fill up right and meanwhile some other cunt at the top is supposed to drop You know four five six quarts of oil whatever it takes in the top of your engine. And sometimes they forget, then you drive away, right?

And then what are you going to do? You're going to go down there. They're not going to give you, they're going to give you the amount of money that your car is worth, which is the total fuck over, right? Cause if it's a, you know, like my car, I can't imagine what my car is worth right now. I mean, it has to be worth like maybe $1,200.

But the thing is, is for me to replace it, to go out and buy another car, I mean, I can't buy a $1,200 fucking car. See what I'm saying? So I always take it down to the goddamn dealership. So anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Some weeks I got diarrhea in the mouth and this is fucking one of them That's it for the podcast. I'm still trying to figure out a way to bring a couple of listeners. I Decided that a contest

Isn't the right fucking way to do it. I Want to have a couple of podcasts maybe a couple two three podcast listeners come in for the final table read maybe a couple two three podcast listeners come in for the final table read Of the year provided you don't tell everybody what happened in the script which could also be a fucking problem I think this whole idea was stupid. I think it was a stupid idea. You know what fuck that You know what fuck it That offers off the table. I'm sorry I just this day and age everybody's gonna fucking go go, oh yeah, I won't fucking say anything. And then you know what they're gonna go,

wait, and what did she do? After all the yeah, yeah, yeah bullshit, you're gonna go right fucking down. You're gonna fuck me over. I know things. It's too much of a risk. I'll come up with something else. All right, here we go.

Hour and 15 minutes, there you go. You guys enjoy your Monday, you fucking cunts. And I'll check in on you on Thursday. I hope you guys have a nice couple of days there. All right, see you. ["You Don't Have To Stray"] You don't have to stray the oceans away Waves roll in my thoughts hold tight the ring, the sea will rise. Please stand by the shore.

I will be, I will be there once more. There was more