Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-28-18

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

Bill interviews Dave Elitch and apologizes to The Specials.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And just checking in on ya. Just checking in to see how your week's going, and that type of shit. And you know how we do in this podcast? It's usually just ol' freckles here talking by himself, acting like a fucking maniac, solving world problems by himself, no one to debate it, so it all makes sense. And every once in a while, I have a special guest, which I do. I do have a special guest, and my special guest, as promoted like a week ago, whatever on my podcast, is the one and only Dave Elich, drumming sensation, teacher sensation, human being, sensation, owner of plenty of t-shirts.

Dave, what's going on? Dude, happy to be here, brother. Yeah, welcome to the podcast. I told you before we started, I made a major fuck-up on my last podcast. Yes. I called the band the specials, the Smiths, okay? Yeah, that's no bueno. That is not good at all. And I was going on and on about how much I love this set and all that. And I fucked up, and I want to apologize to everybody that actually met the lead singer of the band and the guitarist. The lead singer of the band said real quick, it was just like, oh, I love the way you say the word cut. You say it right. It was like the greatest compliment ever. Absolutely. It's like when my buddy Joe DeRosa was in Scotland in a bar like four in the morning and some

Scottish guy said to him, it was like, Joe, you can fucking drink. And he's just like, it was like the greatest compliment ever. So I got to apologize to them, okay? It's my fault, the fucking music I listened to in the 80s, you know, I was into fucking metal. And all these skater guys and everything up the street, my brother hung out with, yeah, stop the messing around. I'm like, these guys aren't singing about the devil. They're not wearing women's clothes. I'm not listening to these guys. I mean, I was, you know, I was very, I was closed off back then, you know? So, you know, so you saw it, you saw it when I, I've been taking lessons with you for about a year and a half or so.

I think it's been longer than that, man. Yeah, at least two, right? This is felt like 10 for you. Coming in there. I came in there like the Crip Keeper, like all fucking, crunched over and shit, holding the sticks wrong, forums, everything all jacked up. And I got to tell you, like, you're on here besides the fact that you're a good friend of mine, you're on here because you have a new, a new drum instructional video out called getting out of your own way. True. Which actually got to watch a lot of last night and it's all the stuff, you know, that you've been teaching me, which was, I was basically fighting the kit and yourself. Yeah, I was like, yeah, I was all crunched over. I was holding the

sticks wrong. I was just playing uphill. Yes. Nothing was at the right level. And for the drummers out there who listened to this podcast, I cannot tell you like the stuff that you showed me, just getting me to sit up straight, hold the sticks right and have shit where I can hit it due to my body type. Yeah. It's made so much stuff that used to be really difficult, like borderline effortless now. However, I still suck because at the end of the day, no matter how much you teach me to sit up straight, I am still at the mercy of the talents that I was blessed with, but I'm still, you know, yeah, but it's a whole different ballgame than when I first saw you, man. I mean, you

work your ass off too. You know, that's, that's like, I can show you, show people how to do things, but if they don't put in the work, nothing's going to change. You know, you work your ass off. So I'm a lunatic, Dave. Yeah, I know I get into shit. That's my point. That's exactly what I'm saying. That's why I always stayed away from hard drugs because I would have like, I'd have like a fucking monogram Coke spoon. I would just be, I would be a cokehead's cokehead. I know it if I did it. So I try to, I try to send it into positive areas. So that's a good plan. Well, look, I got to ask you, I don't know if I've ever even talked to this, talked to you about this where it's just like, so you grew up in Northern

California. You said, hello, this, hello, dad. I'm sure, right? Yes. Yes. I got made fun of a lot when I moved to LA Sacramento Kings fan. Maybe I did see the sharks a bit per hockey when I was Oh, fuck, I just realized, I mean, this fucking leather chair, if this is going to make a bunch of noise when I'm moving around like that, Benny Hill sketch. You see that one where he wore the leather pants, one of the great sketches. No, every time he had to deliver a line, he would walk across the room and it was just the sound of his leather pants. And he was sitting down crossing his legs and then the other person would talk fucking genius. I have to check it out. Anyways, so when you start, what

made you like want to play drums? Like what got you started is for what band? What band, you know, I don't know if there was a, I mean, I had a friend who was taking drum lessons and I like slept over at his house. I was like nine or something. And he's like, oh, my drum teacher's coming over to give me a lesson. And I was like, Oh, I'll hang out and watch. And, and then I was like, Oh, this seems fun. And then I sat down and I could just kind of do it. Like it was right. You had that gift. Yeah, it was like, Oh, I can kind of do this. And I'd never really had that experience before. So I just immediately got hooked. And so I was like nine or 10. So this is like 93 94. Right. So this is like,

God, I'm old. Dude, I was 25 and 26. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, but this is like old dude. But remember when we were setting each other YouTube clips about I sent you that faith no more clip and you sent me the was a skid row. Is that what it was? I don't remember. Probably skid. I love skid row. It was that it was like SNL performances. And it was like, Oh my God, skid row on fucking SNL. And it was like the same year. And it was like checkout that we were talking about the shift in music like right around like 91 92. I think it was. And it was like how like right when grunge and all the stuff was coming out. And it was just like hair metal to grunge was just like you were like, What the fuck? It was it was abrupt. Yes. It was

like how a lot of divorces go down in LA where there's like the day after the prenup expires, bam, divorce papers. Like that's the way the musical shift was. But like as a kid, I was at that point like what year was that when when I think it was 91 91 92. Yeah. Yeah. And that's skid row album. I fucking love that album. Yeah. And they were and they were crushing and crushing. Yes. And Sebastian's voice was just like just one of the great frontmen. Yes, absolutely. Of all time. And I had I didn't see that shift in music coming. I think the way a lot of those bands didn't where I because I remember when Nirvana came out, I was like, What the fuck is this? And I couldn't really even hear how good a band they were. And then that first video they

had the teen spirit when he was like doing doing like a basic solo and he was kind of acting like he was doing the tap on solo was clearly making fun of all the guys that I liked. Totally. I was like, Dude, fuck these guys. Fuck this band. And it wasn't until I saw them on unplugged and I got in utero and everything. And I was just like, Wow, this these guys are making like this is a beautiful album. And it took me but it took me like two and a half years of being like, Wait a minute, the 80s are over. Yeah, because I'm old now. Because you have that shit juxtaposed right next to each other and you're growing from spandex and lipstick and straightened hair to like flannel shirts and the glam thing was only about three years. Okay, it was right around 85 86. Everybody

got that started dressing like men again around 87 88. They had a roundtable meeting and we're like, Look, stop blowing up the hair. Let's go back to let's try to get a little more almond brothers here and a little less grease, whatever the fuck they were doing. But so yeah, so that was the scene I was growing up in when I started playing was what we're talking about right now. So you missed all all the shit you would just, you know, 10 years old. I mean, I mean, I definitely listened to a shitload of Phil Collins. All right, when I was like a little kid 80s Phil Collins or like, like the later stuff that everyone makes fun of. Well, Ciccio. Yeah, I mean, you know, yeah, I wasn't like listening to that song specifically. But like, you sure about

that? A little bearded 10 year old day dancing around suit suit studio. I did come out of the womb with a beard, by the way. Oh, you did. Yeah, just always been Harry. Yeah, that's what it is. That's why you went to the drums. You were fucking animal. That's true. I've heard that more than once. Did you? So then when when when you when all that grunge stuff came out, was that just sort of music to you as opposed to no, no, like being like, Oh, this is a you weren't old enough to realize like, wow, we just went from this to that. No, not at all. That's what I'm saying is like, because that happened. I remember listening to it's actually funny, like saying this, like, I listened to so much Phil Collins, but I would hear like new wave stuff or 80s stuff like tears

for fears and be like, Oh, gross. And now I love love that stuff. Right. But at the time it was like the least cool shit ever, you know, I come back to the 80s a bunch of times going, Oh, wow, this band was actually pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a lot of that stuff is so like interesting and esoteric and weird ways that you check it out now. And some of it's aged poorly, but some of it's aged in like a really cool way. Yeah, I didn't like a lot of just the sound of shit that came out in the 80s, whatever that sound was. I saw somebody send me a video, you know, about how they came up with that that sound for the drums. Right. That was the Phil Collins Peter Gabriel that you sent me. That was just a complete accident where there was a mic on in the studio

and somebody played a Phil. Yeah. And it was it was in the control room or something like that. Phil Collins was apparently the there's various stories, but apparently Phil Collins was playing drums on one of Peter Gabriel's solo albums. And he was trying out fills or whatever. And someone hit the talk back mic. So if you're you know, for people who haven't recorded in a recording studio, when you're in the control room, you hit the talk back mic, and they you can then hear what the person's saying. Or if you're in the studio tracking drums, you can't hear what anyone's saying in the control room. Right. So they have to hit a talk back mic a button so you can hear what's going on. And basically, they went to talk to Phil and they hit the talk back

mic. And he played a drum fill over that. And the the the talk back mic picked it up and just got super blown out. And they were like, Whoa, that was crazy. It was like a complete accident. And that's how that gated like Peter Gabriel was like, I like that sound. Yeah. And then which was probably I imagine a cool sound initially. And then it was just overused. And then and that's how everything happens. Now it's totally like in vogue again, like everyone I mean, it's sort of starting to get overused now. But it just went through a whole thing over the past five years where that was super hip again. That's going on in my business right now where they just they I don't know what's they just rebooting everything that I already watched. They're just going they're

pointing through IMDB to be like, is this guy still alive? Do you think he wants to do who's the boss again or fucking not who's the boss? I'm trying to think of something more obscure than that. She's the sheriff. Is that a show? That was a show. Really? And the only reason why I know that is because a friend of mine was on it for a couple episodes and he said it one night and it was just like, dude, that's one of the great fucking references. I don't even know what that is. That was a that beautiful woman who was on Suzanne Summers. She started it and evidently she was a sheriff. She's the sheriff and she was just this hottie who was the sheriff. Everybody had to listen to what she did. You know, I think it was for like people who are into

like dominatrix and like women telling them they're a piece of shit and they're under arrest. It was sort of something that was an underlying sexual thing to everything that was done back then. You know, you can't do any of that now. Now she'd be a fucking hero. You know, whatever the fuck, whatever the, you know, the pendulum is completely swung the other way now. So every guy is a fucking taking his dick out and peeing on a plant blocking a door and women are all like fucking Joan of Arc. There's no middle ground. There's no middle ground. That's what it is. We're going to go from not listening to women to not vetting any of them and then saying every fucking guy is a complete piece of shit through some of the shit that's coming. Like some of these guys

got friends of mine. Now it's like literally ex girlfriends who are mad that they're famous now totally just coming out going like their lives get ruined. They're like, man, I don't like you anymore. So I'm going to ruin your life. I mean, well, the fact that this, if you're, if there's going to be no due process, I mean, who is safe? Yeah, no one. It's crazy. Yeah. He was emotionally abusive. I've got, I've got emotionally abused in like at least 85% of my relationships. I spent the last fucking week in my own fucking house on eggshells. We're back in a good place, but it's just constantly, you know, emotional abuse. I mean, women have the fucking market cornered on that. This is, this is a different podcast. So anyways,

that's a different topic. So you're, you're, you're, you're, um, uh, instructional videos. Yeah. First of all, you know, you're already ahead of 90% of people just by the way it looks, the quality of the way it's shot, because so much of it is just somebody, you know, literally wearing a GoPro staring into a mirror, why they play drums. Are you supposed to try to fucking learn something out of that? That's, well, that's exactly why I made this thing. I mean, I've been teaching for, you know, like 20 years and I work with, you know, a lot of pros, a lot of my contemporaries, a lot of big name dudes who are out in the real world touring with big bands. In addition to me touring and recording and, um, I never, you know, I always wanted to do an

instructional thing, but with the way technologies evolved with Instagram and YouTube and everything, like everyone's a quote unquote teacher now. Yeah. So, um, oh, by the way, there's, so there's this inside thing that I always see something and I think it's fucking amazing, a drum thing. And then I send it to you and you just like, and you know what that reminds me of is when, you know, is when people come up to me and they just pick like some, somebody super popular at the moment, like, what do you think is so and so that person's really funny, huh? And you got to be like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're up there. They're talking into a mic. Yeah. They're on stage doing things. Yeah. They're saying things and people are reacting with laughter. You just have

to say straight up facts. Yeah. I know. I would, I do, I just like, I would never take down another comment publicly, but on the phone with my friends, which it is, we fucking eviscerate so many people and then eventually it comes around to us and then we just start trashing each other and just laughing our ass off. And then in the end, everyone we trash, we just go, God bless them. Yeah. Bless them. They're out there. But that's what it's all about. I do that same shit too. I have text threads with friends of mine where we do the same, same thing. And we're just as brutal to each other and to ourselves. Do you know how many jokes like back in the day when I, when I was working the comedy cell in New York, how many jokes I lost, how many shirts I could

never wear again and all of this because we just sit there and like the guys used to go down and they would watch you on stage and they would be staring at you with like, it would be Patrice Brestis, Keith Voss Norton and they would just stand in there in the doorway. We could see, none of the crowd could see him and you had to like totally commit to your fucking act. Wow. And I remember Kevin Hartman, he first fucking came down. He's like 20 years old and they were doing that to him. And I remember he didn't get rattled. He did a little bit and then the first time and then he didn't, after once he didn't get rattled. And I remember thinking like, wow man, this kid is, he's got the force. Wow. Yeah, because I was sitting there. Those guys were

all my contemporaries. Sure. We were like 10, 15 years older than Kevin. These guys were my contemporaries and I couldn't find, I was like, oh God, they're going to stare at me. And then you almost felt like you deliberately had to say something to bomb or some shit like that. So I don't know. Do you guys ever do stuff like, do you ever watch, go out and see, like for a comedian to watch a friend of yours bomb? Not if it's like, if the set means something, but if they're just something and they try a joke and they just eat shit. It's one of the funniest things ever. Like when you watch a friend of yours play drums, they go for a fill or something if they eat shit on it. Yeah, it's totally different. Just by the nature of

what you're doing. So much of it is just throwing shit against the wall and seeing what sticks and just being like, hey, I fucking try. I love comedians and I respect comedians so much because, you know, I'll go around town and see you or other girls just go out one night and go to the comedy store or something. And someone will walk up on stage with a slip. I've seen you do this and a bunch of other people like, oh yeah, just like, I was working some shit out. Oh yeah, you know, like subject, like that didn't fucking work, you know, and like that you can't do that with music. Like people are there to see a show and if you botch something, it's like you want to build about the jam section. Isn't that what you guys call it when you look at each

other and you just wait and like there are, but there are like this. There's not the different musical situations where there's some bands go out like we're playing exactly like the record. Sure. And then there's other people like if we play like the record one more time, I'm going to blow my brains out. Can we go into something else here? Certain situations where you can jam and improvise and you know, like I would do that with the Mars Volta or like or like anti-mass therapy, certain sections where we just go way out into outer space for half an hour. What was that like when you got that gig and you had to follow you know, all of those amazing drummers that were in the band, all this shit that they came

up with. And didn't you have some like some ridiculously short amount of time to have to learn it and all that? Yeah. Basically, I got the call to do it and won the bass player who used to play bass in Racer X by the way. I've heard of the band. I don't know who they are. Oh, okay. I'm sure I'll fuck up their name on the next podcast. Well, talk about 80s and spandex and feathered hair. They're pretty deep into that scene. But yeah. So Juan came over to my studio with a fellow bass player, this guy, Jonathan Hischke, really good buddy of mine now. And John came over just to watch me like so. So Juan came over like we plugged in my iPod and he's like, do you know this song? You know, and I'm like, I don't know. I've never played along this

stuff. I just kind of like the first record. So Juan's playing with me and John's just sitting there like two feet in front of me just staring at me watching me like and then Jesus Christ. Yeah, I know it's stressful. And I never played the music. I was just like, I kind of know this thing or you know, just from being a fan of what sort of prep did you do before that? Nothing. It was like, Hey, I'm lying. I'm in line at Starbucks when he called me and then I had to go to a recording session all day. And then I was like, I can meet you after I'm done with this session at night. And then he was like, okay. And like that, you know what I mean? How bad did you need that Mars Volta gig at that point in your career? Was that something like it was huge? Yeah,

yeah, it really put me on the map. I mean, because of the lineage of dudes that were in that band and how like the reputation that band has. I mean, I'd done things before that, but nothing of that level, you know, so it was huge. So I had about two weeks, you know, to learn the music and it was a two and a half hour set. You know, yeah. And so what do you what did you do? Chartered out? Yeah, I charted everything out. How long does it take you to when when like how true to the original like the John Theodos? Yeah, well, I loved I love John's playing. I think he's amazing. And I think his parts are incredible. I think that first record is really a masterpiece. So I wanted to do everything that I could in the time that I had to play everything note for note, because I think

that's really important. But that's like, it's like what situation we were talking about earlier, like people go to see those songs off that first record, and they want it exactly right. Like I would want to see that. So I went out of my way to get everything totally note for note, which, you know, was easier and more difficult in some certain circumstances. But there were other, you know, other songs where it wasn't really important as much. So two and a half weeks to get it together. And like, how often were you jamming with the band? I didn't meet the band until I got to Amsterdam. And then we, I mean, me and Omar, the guitar player in one, like got the three of us jammed a little bit. I went down to Mexico and the three of us played through the arrangements.

And it was like, he was like, yeah, this is Omar's like, this is fine, like you're fine. But then I went to Amsterdam. How much of a relief was it to hear that? Well, we we rehearsed everything without vocals, which is difficult, because I use vocals to like sort of know where I am in the song a lot. Oh yeah, I've made that mistake. I've done that. So he was like, dude, you don't need, you know, you don't even need to be here. This is fine. It's all good. And I was like, okay, great, but you're still like freaking out, you know. So I get to Amsterdam, meet the rest of the band, and we run through the set. And this is kind of funny, because I, I wrote out all my charts, and I put an extra floor tom on my left and like a crash symbol on my left, like the left of the

hi hat. And I just put my charts on the floor tom, like hoping like no one would see, you know. Right. And I get up halfway through and to go to the bathroom and I came back, it was all gone. Oh, somebody took it. Yeah. And I like look over at one, he's like, dude, you don't need that shit, you're good. And I was like, okay. And then everything was fine. We ran through the ran to the two and a half hours, because there's a lot of visual cues. I was going to say, but if they're like that, yeah, if they if you went there and they weren't during the first rehearsal, wanting note for note, that must have been something a little bit easier where it's like, okay, these guys aren't going to be like Nazis about this. I think there's going to be room for me to

kind of yeah, well, based on the situation based on sort of where they were coming, the situation they were coming out of, they were so like exhausted. So they were just like, you know, this is this sounds like they were basically like we sound like a band again, this sounds like a record. Oh, cool, which is great. Because I was playing the part when you did that first gig. Yeah. What was that was, it was in Oslo. I love that. Those people are great comedy fans. Oh my God. Some of my fucking lunatics, some of my all time best friends are from are from Oslo. So many of them and so many amazing musicians from there. It's insane. My first really good show I ever had in Europe was in Oslo. Really? I don't know if it was them or I just found was just like just

because I was too much in my head and other places like I'm in a different country. Are they going to get this? I'm talking about shirts. Do they have shirts? Yes, they do. They are wearing shirts. Oh, shit. My timing is completely up. And I was so fucking fed up with mediocre sets. I think when I was in Oslo, I just didn't give a fuck. Yeah. And then they were also like picked up on it. No, they were kind of maniacs where they were like drinking and shit. It's just like, oh, these are the kind of people that hang out and they just kind of I felt comfortable. And and then the rest of the tour, then I went into Stockholm and all it and just everything else after sort of fell into place. It's like, oh, just act like you're here, which is what you're in Oslo. No, no, no,

act like I'm in America. Oh, oh, yeah. Because then even if they don't get it, you get to play the arrogant American of like, oh, you should know everything about my country. And I should know nothing about yours. And they almost want you to say that because you feed into their stereotype of like, yes, they are self-involved cunts and we're better than they are and they love it. I jump around a lot in the interview. So that's okay. I get it. It's not like I've never listened to this before. Yeah, it's a shit show. So yeah, so that so that first show. Yeah, man, I was insanely nervous. But it went fine. And then as soon as I was like halfway through the show, I remember I was like, yeah, I'm feeling good. Like I'm going to try and like

put on a little bit of a show here, like visually, right? Because that's always very important to me. Like there's nothing more boring than seeing someone just up there just like looking like they're doing their taxes. That's me. That's how I look. Not anymore. A little bit better. Holy shit. We got to talk about videotaping yourself while playing drums, which you made me do. And oh my God, my self esteem has never been lower. I've never looked worse doing anything ever. Even my early stand up tapes, which I have on VHS, which I can't even watch. I don't look as bad. Yeah, because you weren't slouching, you know, like you won't, you don't slouch this, you know, you don't slouch when you, when you walk around and when you, when you do stand up,

it's when you sit down that you slouch. No, but actually, you know something, what I, my posture is what my posture I've learned from my shoulder being fucked up is all my weight is on my knees. And I've noticed a lot of people do this when they stand up, they actually, their, their, their hips are forward and you're sort of leaning back like standing like this. And what you're actually supposed to do, like to stand up totally straight like this. Okay. I feel like I'm puffing my chest out, asking like, you like, you want to fucking fight? Yes. Especially coming from where I grew up in such an angry, crazy state is the outside of Boston. Forget about Boston itself. I was in the suburbs and that shit was fucking nuts.

You stand up straight and then your knees are just slightly bent and your arms are just hanging down and your shoulders are a little, you know, feel like they're back, but they're not that just lined up. So this is what I have to like learn how to do, but this is exactly what I've said to you and what I say to everyone, especially all these big, big name working pros is it's like, if you're slouching, that's your sort of normal go-to setting. And you think that that's you sitting up straight, right? So that when you sit up straight or stand up straight, it feels like you're puffing your chest out because it's that cognitive disconnect. So you have to rewire everything so it's much more accurate. So that's, that's the thing when I work on all this technique

body mechanics stuff with people, like that's why I tell them to videotape themselves because you can't tell what you actually look like. Yeah, no, it's brutal. No, and it's brutal for everyone. It's brutal for everyone, including me. It's never, it never gets easier. So when something out, I started to talk about, so when you were, you started playing drums and everything, I imagine you just sat down and grabbed the sticks the way any other kid would have. Like when did you start to break down what you were doing? Did you get hurt or did you just see a video of some guy where he made it look effortless? Good question. I think when I started getting really serious when I was like 14 or 15, it was a matter of me just constantly going, how lazy can I possibly be?

Like, how can I play all the stuff I want to play and just be like, how like, how can I continually just make this easier on myself? Like, why would I do this? If I could just do that instead? Why do you think he thought that? I don't know. Maybe I'm just lazy. No, I was going to say that, but you're not, you're a driven guy. Sure. I think I've just became obsessed with like efficiency, not like for the sake of it in and of itself, but to be like, I can play more or say more or do more the more efficient I am. There's more I can do, it's more I can say, more I can emote that way. Maybe it comes from, you know, my dad collects cars, maybe it comes from growing up in that culture of like talking about,

you know, a difference between like a hemmy and a wedge, you know, like having dual spark plugs versus single. Like, I don't know. I mean, maybe it all was sort of mashed up together. I think it's just, you know, I wanted to play everything and I realized from a young age, probably subconsciously like, I need to be as efficient as possible, so I'm not getting in my own way so I can play the stuff I want to play. You know, it's like the first time you heard Becoming, you know, the Pantera song, first time I heard it, I had to put it on a cassette tape and put it in a handheld recorder and slow the speed down. I remember standing in my mom's kitchen, putting it up to my, up to my ear, slowing the speed down, going, what the fuck is going on right

now? Like having no clue how he could possibly do that physically. And then just sitting there and breaking it down and going, well, that wouldn't work. I still feel a lot of that way about a lot of this stuff, which by the way, man, you got to give a shout out to Vinny. Good Lord, man. I was literally talking about texting with you, because you're talking on the phone. Yeah. And I was just going like, why is this guy so fucking good? And like two hours later, you sent me the text that he had passed away. That's fucking brutal. I know, man. I was really, but I haven't been that bummed out and I haven't been like affected that much by someone's death. Like who I didn't really know him. I met him once, you know, right? But I mean, he was a real hero of mine and, and to a lot of

people. And he just had such a commitment to a very specific aesthetic. Like he's like, this is the sound. This is the feel. This is the vibe. And like I'm a hundred percent committed. Like and the fact that they were doing that when all this shit that I was talking about that I was let's do that's just face planted. And then all this grunge came out and they were just like, nah, we're going to keep doing this. That's like great Southern trendkill. That's the records about as them being like, fuck all these trends, like fuck this grunge shit. Like we're going to stay true to our metal roots and just keep doing this. You know, and like all that on that live record, that live hundred and one proof record, like, I love that dude. Phil Anselmo's in between

song banter is incredible. Oh, it's hilarious. For all these fucking people out there that said we couldn't fucking sell it. Number one fucking album in that bullshit. I always love it. That's pretty good. Love you man. Get high. Get laid. Two stops. Man. It's just like all this shit that if you said it now, you'd be my favorite thing. And I always talk about it on this is when when, uh, when Vinny counts off, I'm broken. It's like in the middle of Phil talking. He's like, why are strong and the notch called on broken? I'm having a good time. And dime is already playing. And it was just like, did they do that? Cause that was fucking cool. Always Vinny like, Oh God, shut up. I want to drink.

I think it was part of the show. Yeah, I think he was probably just like, fucking here we go. You know, like, I love that. That's such a great moment in that record. Cause you can tell they're just fucking having fun, dude. And that's why that shit. That's part of the reason why that shit feels. I never went to go see them because I heard the music and I had an idea in my head what the crowd was going to be like. I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me at this. But that's one of the funny things. I was just talking to a buddy of mine, Jamie, who I've been giving sky blessings to in London every week for years. And he was telling me he went to see the Bronx the other, the other, you know, recently I was like, you know, pretty heavy

like punk rock band. And he said, like he brought his wife and she was like, they let they, they had a great time at the show and like everyone, you know, someone falls down in the pit, someone picks them up, like everyone's looking out for each other. And he said, like they left the show and his wife was like, or he said, I forget, they were like, we felt more unsafe walking the streets. Then you did it at the show, like with all these dudes beating the shit out of each other. Yeah, it just sounded like when I listened to the music, there's a bunch of guys that were mad at their dad. We're going to show up and then they were going to take the childhood out on me. I just, you know, and I had fucking orange hair and it was just like, I just didn't think it was

going to end well. So it was just like, but that is one of my big regrets that I didn't, there was a number of those bands that I didn't go out and go see because I was just like, dude, I love this music, but I'm going to go, I'm going to get the fucking shit kicked out of me. And you know, I was also in my fucking, my stupid single bass drum. Bonham didn't need a double pedal. The music didn't require it, Bill. I don't care. He could do more with one foot. Did this guy just saying all this shit that other people, and just completely ignoring the, this entirely new type of drumming and all of these pioneers who were just, there was like, there was no road map on what to do. And I was listening to all these other fucking guys who were just

saying shit that had already been said. And like, basically, if you could have a foot as fast as Bonham, then you were Bonham, something like that. I think that's the way my head was. But this is what I love doing when we're doing lessons together and just shooting the shit or whatever is, is that massive amount of carryover between drumming and stand-up comedy. I mean, it's, it's huge. And that's what's so fun about. There's no difference. It's the exact same fucking thing of like, you know, there's the difference between a guy who changed comedy versus a guy who's just sort of, you know, doing comedy or, or if you just, if you're on stage, like, just reciting your act versus being up there and having an idea and the crowd reacts one way,

which actually affects how the show goes and everything. And I used to be so envious of musicians that could just sit down and play what they could feel or, or react to what another musician did. And I just did not have that ability. So when I got into stand-up, I remember like, stand-up, I had the same feeling you had, like when you got down, when you sat at a kid. When I, first time, I remember when I went to my second show is at this place, Stitches Comedy Club, which no longer exists. And I went in there for this open mic. And I remember just walking into all of these open micers up at the bar, all at different levels. And I just remembered feeling like, like, for the first time, like I was with a demographic of people that like, I didn't know,

I was just like, yeah, these guys are the same kind of fucking weird that I am. These weirdos feel normal to me. And it was the first time when I want to stand up, you know, even though I obviously had to learn from all these people, there was, I had like this feeling of, I know, I don't really know exactly where I'm going, but I kind of know where I'm going. Like, I know that I just have to do this a bunch of times. And what I feel in me is like that this is the right thing is going to kind of come out. And so when I, in the, I'm trying to think, one of the first guys I ever saw just wing a set, I saw this guy, Frank Sanarelli. And he went up there and knowing what I know now about comedy, I think it was because the host brought him up and they were playing this weird

music. And she started doing this dumb dance. And he did it with her. And he had this totally serious look on his face. He was already killing before he even took the mic out of the mic stand. But I think that little improv exercise opened him up. And he just went up there. And it was like, he was just fucking talking. And I'd seen his act a bunch of times. And, and then I remember thinking like, Oh, he should, he should do that again. He should do like everything was so precious. He got to hang on to every front thing he ever said. And it wasn't like, listen to the musicians where that whole, those types of bands where it's just like, yeah, just how the song came out that night. That was the mood we were in. Right. And I remember trying like, I try to apply that.

Yeah. Cause it's the exact same thing. I have people say it's still hard at what you do. Cause you wake up when you're a baby, mama dad, dad, you're already playing. You're already talking. I'm just talking into a microphone. I have to learn how to speak. Yeah. But you through sounds, yeah, but, but an instrument, but you being able to stand up and wing a set, you have to be just funny, inherently funny. Obviously it takes work, but you have to be a funny person to be able to do that as opposed to someone who has all you do is when, when it, if it doesn't work, you just make fun of yourself. It's the, it's the, it's like literally, you know, if you can't dance, you just learn a little two step and let the woman do all the fucking work

and scene. It's over. It's the same fucking thing. You go up there, you wing an idea. If it doesn't either just make fun of yourself or you blame the crowd. Yeah. But that's like he's saying, like, Oh yeah, when I go to do a drum solo, it's like, yeah, I just kind of played the Tom's a little bit and then the symbols. No, it isn't. That's what I'm saying. It isn't. Yeah. So I'm saying the same thing to you. It's not, it's, it's not that easy. Like, I mean, but that's the, you know, I have, uh, you know, dudes who I teach who are like mainly touring guys that play with like pop acts or whatever. They're like, I can sit down and play the shit out of a show, like from start to finish nail everything. But if I sit down and someone's

like, Hey, play a little bit. Like, I don't know what the fuck to do. Like I can't just play by myself. Yeah. And that's the same also type of a thing. Someone has a routine or bits, a show put together. They could kill it. But then if they just walk up and somebody heckles them and it fucks up, yeah, yeah, I guess that's exactly the same in music and comedy. Someone throws a fucking beer bottle at you or whatever. Yeah, people throw shit at you guys. That does not have, I mean, I've had shit thrown at me, but like I usually deserved it. You guys would just be up there singing. And for some reason, somebody just wants to throw a bottle. And a lot of times it's like the band is, like the crowd is enjoying the show. It's like they just want to connect

with you. Like I hit him with the bottle, like the plastic water bottle I was drinking. My fingerprints were on it and it touched him. So yeah. And then he yelled at me. It was epic. People are crazy. What, uh, what's the most fucked up thing you ever saw in a show? Because you're the drummer. You get to see that. Have you ever had your lead singer go to crowd surf and just sort of disappear in the crowd and the people can't find them and you guys are looking at each other like, how are we going to end this song? You know, one of the most brutal things I ever saw, uh, it was, I wasn't involved. I was just a spectator, but, um, I was seeing, I think it was, it was some, it was some Mike Patton band. He was like Melvins or Fontamas or

he's in that dead cross now, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got to see them. I can't remember who it was. Um, anyway, they brought up like, uh, Jell-O-B-B Off-Road to like sing a song and he went to go like, this is maybe five, 10 years ago, and he went to go like state, like stage dive or whatever. And it's the first step he took, he said that on some girl's face and then just eight shit. It's like, it's like family guy fall how it's like one frame and then your arms are behind your back. Oh, no, shit. And it was, and it just like took him like 10 minutes to get back on stage. And it was just like, oh, and what is the band doing? Were they just playing like kept playing and, you know, it was just like, Oh God, brutal. So what do you do? Does the guitar player play a solo?

Like, how do you eat up? I mean, I think they just kept, you know, Patton was up there. I think they just kept like going, you know, and he eventually made his way back on stage or whatever. But it was just like, bam, it was like, whoa. Oh, yeah. I mean, maybe like for me playing, there's a drum cam video on, on, on YouTube. The thing is the first thing you saw of me, the, the volt, the Goliath. Oh yeah. And I didn't understand your technique. I'm like, this guy's fucking arms are going to fall off. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was going to ape shit and going nuts and hitting super hard and, or it looks like I'm hitting hard. And one thing Cedric used to love to do is he would just like take my crash symbols away from me. Like, so there's

a part in that video where he just takes my crash and only have two. So he takes my crash and then like, you know, like basically just jumps on it and like throws it up and down and then takes the symbol off and stomps on it and then takes the symbol stand and throws it like over my head and almost takes out the camera. And I'm like, this is the, this was the first time he'd ever done this. So like, did you know that he did shit like this? No, I mean, not really. I don't think so. Did you think it was because of your playing? No, he was just like rocking, rocking roll, you know, like my fucking self esteem. It'd be like, he hates me. I'm getting fired. And then it'd be getting mad being like, dude, fucking trashed my shit. Well, I did get mad eventually. And my

company was like, what the fuck? But anyway, yeah, because they had to keep sending you shit. Yeah, they were like, what the fuck? We send you symbols to play not to get broken by the lead singer, you know? So, so yeah, this is the first time he ever did it. So you can see me like turning around to my tech like, Hey, fucking give me another symbol on a stand. Like, come on, dude. Like, and he's like, hold on a sec, you know, and then, and then he was just like, I gotta make sure and wait till he's actually done. You don't know how far he's going to take this. Oh, yeah. Wait till he's out of that mood. Yeah. And then he eventually, you know, eventually brought another one up and it was fine. But like, well, not to get into the gossip, were you able to just kind of sit there

and say, Hey, buddy, love being in the band, man, but I need my symbols. I mean, I got to a certain point where I was like, dude, like really, you know, like, come on, because he actually plays drums too. I was like, you know, you know how much annoying that that would be, right? You know, he's like, Oh, shit. Yeah, you're right. Sorry, man. It's getting carried away. You know, I used to when I was, if I, if I ever saw that on TV or if I was in the crowd or whatever, when I was a kid and I was playing drums and everything, I used to just be like, dude, just give it to me. Right. Right. I need a symbol. Right. Totally. You just sit there and just break it in front of me. It's just like, I would have loved to have had that. Yeah. Like,

when I watched like the who or whatever. Yeah. And you know, it's funny because I don't know if they just had like some piece of shit, you know, the Japanese version of the Les Paul, whatever, or if it was an actual one, you know, like all those vintage instruments, how much they're worth. Like Pete Townsend, his probably, you know, Oh my God, probably seven figures and guitars, I would think. Oh, at least. Yeah. Yeah. My buddy, my buddy Jerry plays with Dick Dale, you know, and he brings out this like, I don't know what it is, if it's like an Explorer, Les Paul or something, but it's like from the fifties. And his amp is also from the fifties. And it's like, that shit's worth several hundred thousand dollars. And he tours with it. It's crazy. Well,

yeah. And he's the guy who plays surf rock, but he plays like a right handed guitar, left the upside down and doesn't change the strings. That sounds right to me. Yeah. He does something super fucked up and weird. Yeah. That's all that pulp fiction song. Yep. That's it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, where can people get this video? We haven't mentioned they can go to my website, just Dave Elich.com. That's all your name. We're down over here. Dave Elich.com. And you can just click on instructional course, it'll pop up there. And you can get everything there. It's just streaming. And, you know, everybody does these sort of subscription based courses now. And then they just take your money forever. Right. And I didn't want to do that. So I'm like,

you know, you just pay for it once you stream it forever as long as you want. I'm not going to charge your credit card for seven years. You know, I don't want to do that. So I've had a couple of those. Yeah. And you forget you have exactly one day somebody's looking at your stuff going like, dude, what the fuck is this? Dude, I would tell you, I had I had a cell phone number for like 15 years that I never used. Are you serious? Yeah. Like I was bitching to my wife going like, is that mine? No, no worries. I was paying, it just seemed like a ton of money all of a sudden for my cell phone, it just kept going up and up and up. And I was like, I don't understand why I'm paying. Why am I paying so much more than fuck it was going up to like fucking three,

four hundred bucks, right? So she goes, let me see it. And she looked at it and she goes, all right, first of all, I think I had three cell phone numbers. Why? Yeah, she's looking at me. Yeah, like I like I got like fucking chicks on the side. And I'm like, no, I don't know. We looked at it. All right, here's what it was. Back in the day, when you were on the road, you know, in you bring your fucking big thick laptop or whatever, and all these hotel rooms were charging anywhere from seven, 10, $11 a day for the internet. Right. So I would now was working places Tuesday through Sunday. So it was like six times, you know, 10, 11 bucks. It was like cost a man with the taxes cost me like $70 to be on the internet. So my buddy Robert

Kelly, right? He's like, dude, what you want to do dude? He knows all the fucking technology. He goes, dude, you get the fucking it's this was this hotspot right thing. So it had its own number. You plugged it in to your computer. Yep. And blah, blah, blah, right. So I tried to use it twice. And it never worked. I was like, these fucking things never fucking work. And I knew in the back of my head, it's like, I got to call these guys up and cancel it or whatever. And I just I just never did. And I just forgot about it. And recently, I actually found it. I still have the thing. So that was one of them. I forget what the other one was, but it was like two things that were of that one was like a fax machine number. And the other was like all this outdated shit. So

she got she got that taken off. And then I think one time when I left the country, I switched my plan and they didn't quite switch it back or something. So now it's down to like a buck 80 a month. It was your was your mobile hotspot, like the size of this fridge. No, you know, it was the size of a hockey puck. I mean, it was big. It was a big plastic thing. And you just had and you had to come up with all the stuff that trips me up, you know, you got to come up with a password and just like just a couple, two, three of those hoops that I have to jump through. But yeah, that's too much. But I've been working though lately, though. I remember seeing maybe I was watching one of the interviews you did or whatever, you said how you think everyone should

have a therapist. If you just talk to somebody, yes, the world be a better place. Well, I haven't gone to therapy. And like, for I finally at one point, I was just going like, dude, I'm always going to be fucked up. I mean, I can sit here like I'm done talking about my childhood. So I'm just going to be talking about the dumb shit that happens every day. Like it was just started feeling a reality show, a one on one reality show. But recently, I've really been working on my not snapping over little things. And I started to snap this morning for the first time in like four days. And I actually felt a little weird. But I was going to keep trying to do what I'm doing with it. And I keep talking about it loud. So I remember it. Because you know, it's like,

Hey, I'm going to go to the gym. Yeah, you know, and then that week, you fucking crush it next week, you three quarter crush it by a month later, you've eaten Oreos sitting on a couch. So what are you so what are you doing? Like, do you just like breathe deeply or like when you well, big thing is driving. Sure. So when I get in the fucking car, I just say like, first of all, I leave enough fucking time to get there. I don't leave the utopia time. This should take a half hour. Nope. How dare these other people in front of me have other plans in other lives. So I leave plenty of time. And then I just weird, I drive slow slower. I'm probably driving somebody nuts behind me. I drive slower. I stop at yellow lights. I let

people go. I chill out. I actually is another thing. I swear to God, this is like, they use this for premature ejaculation. I'm actually using this. I listen to baseball. They say, think, oh, think about baseball. I never understood that. If you don't want to fucking bust the nut, I start thinking of fucking Carl Yastropsky. Now fucking got a hard deck thinking about the fucking left field of the Red Sox. And it's just confusing. It's like, wait, am I attracted to this guy? I just didn't feel like you were present. Sorry, I was busy. Sorry, I was thinking about fucking Jerry Remy. No, I put on like, there's something about smoking a cigar and listening to baseball on a radio is like some old man shit. And it slows life down. I don't know what it is.

So I, I just have it on and they just have a wonderful day for a ball game. And there's the lineups. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, it's just next inning is brought to you by and you just sort of drift along. And I just, and I just, no, and I just, I don't have, I hate saying this, but you know, that the people always say like, you know, you got to give up like expectations and shit. First of all, I also, I googled how to stop snapping over little things. And the first thing I clicked on was this woman going, did you did you have a blood and everything that I've done like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So she goes, here's four techniques and I'm reading this shit. And I'm like, five minutes into reading this.

And before she says, you know, I've been doing this for like a week. And I'm like, what the fuck? Literally started snapping. Like you don't change in a week. Okay, this is, this is going to take me, I just turned 50. This will take, if I work my ass off, this will take all of my fifties to not, to not do this. That's why I was joking with a buddy of mine. Why one of the most realist characters ever in any movie was, was private hooks in police academy. Remember, she's always all mousy, the black girl. And then the end she'd be like, don't move. And I remember joking, you know, every movie she'd go back to being mousy again. She had the exact same character arc. And it's just like, when is she, you know,

in reality is, is that's what it's like to try to change yourself as a person, is you have, you know, fucking up, fucking up, fucking up for 90 minutes and then whatever, or whatever, how much time the move goes by in the movie. And then you have that breakthrough moment, you don't move dirt bag. And then the next day, you know, you're going to fall back again, or maybe two days later, whatever. So yeah, but that's the, but, but when you, you know, if you continue to do that work on yourself, where you fall back, isn't as far down the ladder as you were before, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. No, no, I, yeah, believe me, dude, like I'm, I am committed to this because it's going to make my relationship with my wife so much better. I'm telling you, dude, if, if I can just

stop snapping at little shit, dude, she's got nothing. She's got, that's the real motivation. She's got nothing. No, because what I'm still doing, this is something else that I'm gonna, I'm starting to, to let go of is there's a, when you're in a relationship with a woman, like thinking the way a guy thinks, you think, I'm going to do this. And then it's going to, then it's, then she's going to be happy with me and she'll be in a good mood. And then I'll, the eggshells go away. And what you realize is that, that that's, yeah, you're chasing a, that's, it's like a Ponzi scheme. Like there's, there's no. Meaning having expectations for your actions is. No, I just like, I'm just always going to annoy her inherently just because I'm a man.

And I'm not going to see things the way she does because she's a woman. I'm not touching that. And what, what she views is important versus what I view as, or she views as not a big deal. And I think it's a big deal is not going to mesh. Not because she's a bad person or I'm a bad person. It's just because we are wired differently. And so I forget something happened just this morning and I started to get upset and I was just like, well, why would I think that she would blah, blah, blah? And it just fucking went away. That's great. So I keep, but I'm afraid of this because now I'm feeling like I'm going to become this spineless guy or sitting there holding her purse. You know what, I talk about the same shit I have with my, with my therapist a bunch

of times because coming with not even necessarily talking about that specific thing as a human being, but talking about that specific thing as being the source of your creativity in some way. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like that's, that's no, there's, there is a thing with comedians was if I get happy, I won't be fun anymore, which is with musicians too. It's a huge myth. Because I'll tell you why. What happens is, is like, once you get everything you want, you know, as far as like you found love and you have the kid and your kid comes home is going big smiles, dude, it's the fucking greatest, greatest fucking thing ever. It's one of the few things in the world that lives up to the hype, right? Other than downloading your fucking video.

Boom, bam, cross promoting. What, what replaces all your angst and loneliness and I'm sleeping on a futon and shit is this new fear of that you're now going to lose it all. Like what if something happens? Like, I can't tell you since having a kid, like any new scenario, like, Hey, I'm going to go take her on this swing. Like immediately this horror movie that Stephen King could not fuck with or maybe that, maybe he has kids or something. That's how he writes, but like the shit that goes through your head about the possible stuff that would happen. And always in the end, I'm either murdering a person or an animal. One or the other dude, I've actually had fantasies of jumping down on a cougar's back and somehow I know that UFC move where you choke it out and I

wrap my legs around its belly so it can't claw me. And I sit there while I'm eating a sandwich thinking of all of this because my wife said that she's going to like just take her out in the backyard. Turns into a Joe Rogan episode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So all of that. And then like those fucking crazy thoughts will then fuel your act, hopefully. So anyways, I have to, I got to read a little bit of advertising. Okay, you want to see some comedy here? Once again, my apologies to the specialists, man. I feel so fucking bad about that. And I told the singer I'd throw a couple of constant forum, and then I called his band, the Smiths. And then I had all these fucking mopey Morrissey people. He left

that band 30 years ago, man, they're never getting back to another people freaking out. Did they get back together? Like I caused like this whole fucking thing. I feel like such. By the way, you're, you're, you need to film like a video of your Morrissey dance. Oh, the Morrissey dance? Oh, yeah. Have you done that yet? No, I have. I got to get it down better. It's one of my favorite things I've ever seen. I don't dislike Morrissey. I just, I like irritating people that are really into shit like Star Wars fans. I saw the new, I saw one of the newer, newer Star Wars ones. Yeah, it was fucking great. It was actually really good. Now that it's not like a Muppet movie, like it was too like, it was like, it was like Muppets with space and then some bad self help. You know,

this guy's good. He's, he's in the, his lightsabers blue. Dude, I think Star Wars is great. But when people like make their lives revolve around it, I just, it's like, there's so much other shit out there in the world. That's why people don't like baby boomers. Cause baby boomers, like they just make so much about what they grew up in and fucking all the stuff they did. If they just fucking just did what they did and just shut the fuck up about it and let the other generations realize how cool they were, they, they would have been fine. All right. Finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help. Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications?

Understanding this may help reduce medication trial and error. Gene site is a genetic test that analyzes variations in DNA. It shows how genes may affect someone's metabolism or response to medications commonly prescribed to treat depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. Visit gene site.com for more information. Read a couple of these things here. All right. Okay, Bill, Stitch Fix sent you clothes while you were in Paris. They're actually really normal and wearable and much better than the other clothing companies we've had. I probably shouldn't have read that out loud. All right, this is going to be, I guess these guys make really normal wearable clothes. Okay. Did you hear that? That was the sound of money going out the door. Stitch Fix, everybody.

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only your preferences to pick your clothes, you're still in complete control. Once your item arrived, try them on and only pay what you want to keep. Don't like something, need normal size, just send the items back. This is why I don't think I'm supposed to read all of this because they just keep repeating the same shit. No questions asked and the shipping is always free both ways. Get your fix, whatever you want, or sign up to receive scheduled shipments. The choice is yours. I love Stitch Fix. Dave, I didn't realize that. I guess I do because they have normal wearable clothes. I'm sure these are great. I'm sure these are great. And I know you will too. Call to action. Hurry to stitchfix.com slash bird to get started. Now keep all five items in your box

and you'll get 25% off your entire purchase. That's stitchfix.com slash bird. Stitchfix.com slash bird. Hey, what do you think is going to happen all the strip malls and malls in the future? Like what are we going to do with those? Because there's going to be no stores left. Because everybody's shopping from the internet? Online. Yeah. Even like they'll buy like a vintage guitar without even fucking trying it out. Me. And have it show up and realize that it isn't. And the guy's in Japan. There's nothing you can do about it. He's got your money. I remember I bought that, you know that Prince album? That really, the one Quest Love always talks about where it was just like,

it was, I think it was just an all black album. It's not available. Like he put it out and it. Oh, I don't know. Yeah. I bought it off some guy in Japan. I didn't know what showed up. It was like the fucking soundtrack to chips. And what am I going to do? Call up PayPal. They're going to find them. Hey, man. We're a web country in the United States. And unless you return that fucking money for that record, we will, we will do absolutely nothing because you'll just change your name and become somebody else. All right. Policy genius. If you have a car, you have insurance. You have car insurance. Well, you should at least, if you have a home, you should, you have home insurance. If you're alive, shouldn't you have life insurance? Four out of 10 people don't have

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occasional fee. Yeah. You're supposed to say no. No, but now what they do, they literally, they fucking, they take your blood now. Right. I know. And they, yeah. So you can lie all you want. They're going to find out what you're doing. Speaking of, I say admit to more shit that you're doing so they don't take your blood and figure out what you're actually doing. Or they're like, Oh, it's not that bad considering all this other shit you've been doing. Whatever. But I just like the fact that when I die, that everybody's going to be taken care of. And it's not going to be like, you know, I've had buddies of mine die, you know, unexpectedly, you know, my age, it's unexpected. And then your fares are not in order. And then it's the double whammy where, you know,

it's the, you're no longer there. And then people are like, how the fuck are we going to live? Yep. How are we going to pay the rent and take care of everything? And that's sad. But you know, what isn't sad is the joy of your new drum video. See how I got out of that? That's perfect. Dude, I'm so happy for you because for the longest time I've been telling you with your skills to utilize the internet, get out there especially because you got something to say and all that. And I am thrilled for you. And I hope this podcast can help blow up the video because you are the fucking man because I sucked at drums and I'm a comedian. I've actually had people come up to me and say, you know, I've gotten to the point where people come up to me

and be like, that, that wasn't that bad. And before it was, it was bad. It was definitely dude, that video where you were at Dean's birthday, it was fucking crushing. Oh my God, dude, that was so much fun. Yeah, but, but yeah, I just beaten the fuck out of everything. That's what it's all about, man. You know, oh yeah, that was, uh, yeah, I gotta be honest with you, like those, those fucking all of those things when Kushner hooked me up and I got to jam a couple of those guys, uh, those guys, Duff and Slat. I mean, just like, um, those things are the biggest of anything I've ever done in this business. Um, those are the biggest, those have been the play with fucking Nikki six. Yeah, dude, that's amazing. Fucking ridiculous. Yeah,

that's incredible. Yeah, because I really didn't earn it. That's why I guess I always feel like was stand up as much as, you know, doing Letterman HBO special, doing shit like that. It's like, I did the hell gigs. Like I fucking earned it. And, uh, Cracker Barrel three in the morning and Nebraska or whatever, but there's these drumming gigs. It's not like I had to audition. It's just like, Oh, that guy's funny. I'll play a song with them. I'm sick of the guys in my band. Get up there, freckles. Let's see what you can do. Um, all right, that's the Thursday afternoon podcast. Very special guest, Davey Litch. Thank you so much for coming on. Finally got you on and thank you for all the, uh, all the, all the help you've given me over

the years. Dude, it's been my pleasure. Yeah, I've learned so much myself, dude. And, and one more thing. Yeah, I can't imagine you had a fucking student more difficult than me to fucking teach. Oh, I definitely have. Believe me. All right, all right. I don't say anything. Um, but, uh, uh, for everyone who's listening to this, if you want to go check out the course, you can go to my website and during checkout, if you type in Burr, B U R R, you'll get 10% off, off everything to get. Look at that. Yeah. He's a guy who did not embrace the internet. Now you fucking you're doing it better than I am. I love it. All right. That's the podcast. Enjoy the music and then we'll have a little, uh, throwback Thursday afternoon podcast. Have a great weekend.

You're cunts and I'll see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 28th, 2010. Right off the bat, you should be thinking, you know what, Bill? There's something weird with your voice. Why does it sound like you're whispering? Because I am fucking whispering your fucking douchebag. Why don't you go with your gut? You know, didn't your fucking brain just tell you that I was whispering? Did your parents beat you down mentally that bad that you literally question what that fucking voice inside of you was even saying? That's the voice that makes your fucking, when you go on a hike, and if that little voice in you is going, is there a mountain line staring

at me? Yes, there is run. All right. Um, I am whispering because I'm doing this fucking thing at 820 in the morning. My girlfriend is sleeping in the other room. I taped this fucking thing last night, but for some reason I screwed up and it didn't record 50 minutes. I fucking did it. I was going to upload it at midnight, just like last week. Okay. And just like last week, I am once again, I'm douchebag of the week, back to back, just like the Lakers. I'm a douchebag two years in a fucking row. Uh, two weeks in a row, I should say, or two times in a row, whatever, you know the analogy. I'm trying to let you guys know that I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to this to past two weeks and kind of try and trash the Lakers anyways, but they don't give a fuck.

They got their rings, right? You know, what a wonderful organization. They actually had to switch their parade route because their stupid fans were rioting so much, bunch of fucking animals. All right, Billy, you ever going to let the Lakers Celtic series go? You know what? I don't think I'm going to, I'm reminded of it constantly. Like I started watching World Cup soccer and watching all those fucking people flopping around on the ground. Anytime anybody kicked it back at their socks, reminded me of watching Paul Gasol play basketball, fucking flopping fag. All right, let's not be this angry. You can't be angry and whisper. You ever seen that? You ever see a couple fighting public? They do that angry whispering. That's not what I said. You know, goddamn well,

what the fuck is going on right here? No, you shut the fuck up. That's what I'm going to be doing. So anyways, I actually did the podcast last night already. And fighting through, I was like sweating. I was so goddamn sick. I did Vegas this weekend. I performed at the Orleans casino. Now, if you stand up nerds out there or for you fans of the podcast who listen every week, you know that the Orleans casino was the last place George Carlin did stand up before he died. So I went there and I asked them a ton of questions. People who worked there were totally cool. Even one of the guys was actually telling me how Carlin put together his hours of material, you know, how he would come in and it would be like an hour and 20 minutes.

And before special, he'd watch him whittle it down and by the end of the weekend, it would be like an hour right on the nose. Gave me chills listening to it and also made me really feel like I need to start working harder as a fucking comedian. And someone there also gave me a ticket stub from his last show. It was fucking awesome. But I made the mistake. The Orleans casino is actually off the strip. It's kind of cool. So my hotel room had a view of the entire strip. And I would have been content to just stay out there at the Orleans casino because I liked it. I liked the vibe. The crowd was a little bit older as am I, you know, so there wasn't a lot of craziness going on. It was just straight up. Let's booze. Let's eat. Let's gamble. You know,

it wasn't a bunch of people fucking, you know, you know, like a gaggle of chicks screaming out the sunroof of a fucking limo. Oh my God. You know, we got a limo bitches. You know, you know, everybody tags everything with bitch nowadays. Is that from the Rick James sketch? I'm Rick James bitch. Then everything became bitch. Whatever. A lot of fucking story. You know what I'm doing right now? I'm looking at my laptop and the screensaver just has all, all the albums on my iTunes or all the albums that don't really fucking exist. The covers to the digital singles that I downloaded. I'm actually looking at one that says Elvis speaking of Las Vegas and I came out to, uh, to Elvis the entire weekend. I had to

do it. I came out to that song that's used to be cute and now I realize that it's about stalking someone. You know, how does that fucking song go? Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. Ain't gonna do you any good at all. Cause once I, something and the kissing starts, a team of wild horses couldn't tear us apart. It's like really Elvis? Does, does the woman have any say in that? I'm going to fuck. Yes. Stuck on you. Stuck on you. You would think that, uh, that with them, that's a guy in love. But if you really listen to the lyrics, it isn't. It's a guy who can't accept the fact that the relationship is over in her mind and she wants to move on.

You know, he just won't fucking leave her alone. He keeps pressing his sweaty out of shape, iconic stomach up against her as he kisses her. I mean, that's what I got out of it, but it was a great song to come out to nonetheless. So anyways, you're probably asking, hey Bill, you're whispering douche. How did you get sick? I don't really know, but I know who I'm going to blame it on. How about that? I was fucking, uh, like I said, I was content to stay off the strip at the Orleans casino, you know, but I brought my girlfriend. So you know what that means. They want to do stuff. Let's go to the strip. I heard they had some stores. They have stores on the strip. Let's go to the strip

and go to the stores. Do you want to go to the stores on the strip? Ah, sweetie. Sweetie, do you want to go to the stores on the strip? No, of course I don't. Well, no, why would I want to do that? If I had something I needed to buy, I would go, but I don't. I don't want to go. You know, but I fucking learned. I've learned to get through the fucking relationship. You got to say yes to some shit you don't want to fucking do. So I go, yeah, yeah, let's go to the fucking stores on the strip. Right? So we fucking go out there and, uh, you know, we go into all these fucking stores. I noticed those really high-end stores.

When you go into them, they, they only have like 40 pieces as they call them. You know, it's very, it's not like when you go into Old Navy. Hey, what's waist size are you? We got 100 of that. You know, we got 100 of every fucking size and they're stacked from the floor up to the goddamn ceiling and we got that ladder that fucking slides right across the wall. That's how much product we have in here. And that's just the goddamn jeans. And you know why? Because they're 30 bucks a whack. But you go into those fucking high-end places and it stops being jeans and dresses. It starts being called pieces. And all of a sudden there's like 28 things and there's a ton of space and everybody in those stores looks like Mike Myers and that fucking sketch he used to do,

you know, where he danced around like the fucking German guy who liked to get shit on. Sprocket or some shit. I came out with a fucking name. He was stressed all in black and he put his hands on his hips and he only moved his legs. Can you guys hear that person? There's somebody giggling like a maniac downstairs. The person moved out downstairs. Not the old guy. My apartment's over two different apartments. It's a little fucking spread out. So anyways, we start going to we start going to those goddamn shops. Long story short. I gotta actually admit when Louis Vuitton, when you go in there, I really like their luggage, man. That luggage is fucking insane. They're like it's handcrafted. It's like, all right, you know, look at that handcrafted. Yeah,

some guy took a hammer and nails on the inside. Look at that craftsmanship. You know, they have an old Louis Vuitton trunk from like the early 1900s and it's still functional. You know why? Because it was made by hand using great materials. So I was like, you know what, I like this shit. I like it. It wasn't made by a machine. It was made by a human being. So I asked them the smallest fucking piece of luggage they had, which I guess would be considered kind of like a jewelry box. And I asked them how much it was and they were like $4,000. And I did the Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop, you know, you know, I just totally played it off like I could afford it. I was like, that's great, you know. Okay, now why don't you close up this

handcrafted thing and put it back up on the fucking shelf? I was actually pissed afterwards. Four grand. They fucking looked me right in the eye when they said four grand, four grand. You look at the fucking floor when you throw a goddamn number out like that. It should be a shame to yourself charging that much fucking money. I don't understand. Do you know how fucking rich you'd have to be to buy a $4,000 fucking jewelry box? Jesus Christ, most people, their jewelry isn't worth that much. And then where the fuck do you take it? That's the thing about buying really nice clothes and really nice stuff. I got my legs crossed right now and I'm swinging my foot around.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Just caught myself in a really effeminate moment. Whatever. I'm allowed, aren't I? What the fuck are you going to do? Like someone will, like that's when you know you're rich when someone will mug you, not for what's in your luggage. They'll just mug you for your fucking luggage. You know, when I go to do the David Letterman program, I always go out and I buy a nice goddamn suit. I always lose money whenever I do that show, but I'm not going out there looking like a bum. And I love the suits and I love wearing them, but the second you put them on, you're freaking out like, oh my God, anything you go to brush up against, you freak out

because it's an expensive goddamn suit. As opposed to when you shop at Old Navy in the gap, you know, the anti-pussy wear that they sell. I wouldn't give a shit if I was walking through a fucking pigsty. I mean, I freak, oh my God, pig shit. Oh God, it's okay. I'm wearing gap jeans. I've never wore gap jeans. I would never do that. Do you know there was a kid in my high school, his nickname was the gap nerd and he had no idea. People, no one said it to his face because he was a bigger guy, but he always wore gap jeans and he wasn't even that big of a nerd. Now he always talked his shirts in because it was the 80s and yeah, they called him the gap nerd. And that was the end of his pussy getting career. He had no idea. Had no idea.

He had to do with his big six foot four inch fucking red corduroy gap jeans, big stupid tag on the back gap. It's like, don't you notice that everybody else has says Levi Strauss? That's what you want to have on. And then the couple of kids whose dads have mafioso connections, theirs actually have guest jeans, you know, which in my world was chick jeans back then. Anyways, I'm getting off the fucking beaten track. So anyway, so we're going through all these high end fucking stores. I went to the Tom Ford store. Some of the most beautiful suits I've ever seen in my life. Also some of the most expensive, but you get caught up in it. I was actually in there because Tom Ford, his entire line is not just the line. It's like a lifestyle.

And it's like that Dulcecky's beer guy. Stay thirsty, my friends. It's like Steve McQueen, man's man. They had a fucking cigar cutter cutter made out of like a fucking, I was going to say a rhino horn. It wasn't, it was an oxhorn, an oxhorn cigar cutter. One of the most manliest fucking things I've ever seen. And I'm actually thinking about buying it. I'm holding this fucking oxhorn. You know, they had a ramhorn cigarette lighter. I'm not even joking. I'm actually considering buying this fucking thing. Fortunately, I walked out of the store, you know, and it like 10 minutes went by. And then I just kind of had like that little fucking gut check moment there or whatever. Kind of looking at myself like, dude, did you almost

just buy a fucking oxhorn cigar cutter? Did you really almost do? Did you get that fucking caught up in that bullshit? It's like, yeah, I did. A couple of things kept snapping me back into reality. I don't like buying shit made out of animals, unless it's a leather jacket. It's just a stupid cow. I ate hamburgers anyways. It'd be fucking hypocritical, wouldn't it? The fucking cow's already dead. Why don't we go the Native American route and use up this whole fucking cow? You know, but I don't eat ox, although I did go to a Mario Batali restaurant one time and I got an ox tail fucking stew or something. I can't even remember what the fellow was, but it was delicious. But anyways, this is just no fucking need unless the ox was already dead. And you're like, well,

we might as well saw off its fucking horns and turned it into a cigar cutter. Anyway, so we get out of that thing and speaking of fucking cows. So I don't know, my girl's like, let's go get something to eat. And I said, all right, there's a fucking McDonald's right there. And she's like, do you want to eat there? And so it was looking down at the ground all sad, you know, just doing that classic female manipulation thing. She knew I wanted to eat there. I just said there's a McDonald's there. And then why would she say, do you want to eat there and look down at the ground? This question is for all the young male listeners of my Whispering podcast. Why would a female do that? I'll tell you why. Because she doesn't want to,

not only does she not want to fucking eat there, she already has a place where she wants to eat. She's already had this place that she's wanted to eat at for probably a month before you ever went to Vegas. But she's not going to tell you about it. Because if she told you about it, that'd give you time to do research on it and find out how fucking expensive it was. So she's like, do you want to eat there? And she looks down at the ground so immediately, despite the fact that I know all this about females, I take the bait. Why? Where do you want to eat, sweetheart? This is Burger Place at Mandalay Bay. I heard it was really nice. Do you ever watch Top Chef? Only when you're watching it, sweetheart? I don't like that show.

The fucking show is annoying. I hate when the chef starts screaming at those people. This fucking foreign accent. You called that a fucking grilled cheese sandwich? Get the fuck out of my kitchen. Hey, hey, you think I'm fucking afraid of you? You fucking douche? You got a fucking problem with my grilled cheese sandwich? You come up like a fucking gentleman and you take me aside. Don't be screaming at me when I got these fucking knives in my hand. Stick it right through your goddamn trachea. What do you think about that? Huh? I'll give you a fucking blowhole right out the front of your fucking neck. Get out of my goddamn face before I take your fucking hair and mush your face into this pile of shrimp. Huh? That I haven't

taken the shells off. So I'll give you a bunch of little razor cuts. Sorry. Could you actually smother somebody in that? You know, I used to work in a restaurant where I worked the Mesquite Grill. I worked in a fancy restaurant called Disabled Cafe in Cary, North Carolina. Very short-lived. It was supposed to be five-star dining, yet they had me working on a Mesquite Grill, glassed in with a big chef hat, as all these fucking people will be looking at me. You know, I had to cook up all the shit when I was done, you know, burgers, shrimp brochettes, the chicken sandwiches, whatever the fuck we were making, the swordfish specials, and then I turned around. There was a little window and I handed it to the fucking

Metallica fan who I worked with who had to stick his hair up in the hat with his prepubescent fucking mustache, even though he was 19. That was the funny thing about that job is I'd be sitting there looking out at all these quote-unquote elegant people in Cary, North Carolina, and then I'd look through the little porthole where I would stick the food through to give to the fucking drug addicts on the line. I remember they had a guy back there who was on a work release program. Like at night, he was in jail, but during the day, he cooked at this fucking restaurant. This guy was a douchebag. Then one time, we were on our way to going out of business, so at one time I was literally the grill chef, the bus boy, and the dishwasher. Let's not even get involved in the amount of fucking

health code violations that they're involved in there, because I did not have time to wash my fucking hands and put it that way. One day, we were slammed and I'm in back going, hey, we need some more glasses, because we were running low on glasses, and the fucking douche on the work release program goes, well, why don't we wash some? Ah, a novel idea. You know? Like he's fucking intelligent or something. Ah, a novel idea. And it was only because the guy was in fucking prison that I didn't say anything to him. He had that sort of credibility, but looking back, he was a fucking pussy. Goddamn little shit. He wasn't even that tall, and this is back in the day, though, when you weren't that tall,

and if you weren't that tall, you weren't that tough. You were tough for a little guy, but you were still a little guy. This is before Jiu-Jitsu had made it to America. There was no UFC. You know? Remember the first fucking UFC and hoist Gracie kept fighting all those big guys, and you'd think that he was about ready to get punched in the chest and the fucking face or whatever, and then all of a sudden, he grabbed that little finger and bent it back and whatever the fuck he was, you didn't know what he was doing. It was like magic. He was like, ah, that little guy's going to get the shit kicked out of him, and the other guy'd be like, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. So, yeah. Isn't that hilarious? There's

nothing worse than taking shit from somebody and you don't give them shit back, but you know why? Because 23 fucking years later, it still bugs you. You guys, there's a great one. If you guys want to, you want to, the fuck is the word I'm trying to say here? If you want to participate in the podcast? What's the long, I want to find out what the longest, like who the oldest person is on my podcast. What's the longest you've held on to some shit? All right, there's one. That was from 1987, 88, at least 22 fucking years ago. It still bugs me. Every once in a while, just popping my head. Well, why don't we wash some glasses? Ah, a novel idea. Hey, why don't we not live a life of fucking crime so we don't have to go to jail, you fucking piece of shit? You know? The fuck did

you do to get in jail, you dumb fucking idiot? You douche. I bet you one of those guys who pulled his shirt over his fucking head and tried to rob a 7-eleven on a whim. That was another thing. Before they had really good security cameras, so this asshole wasn't on America's dumbest criminals. I really fucking hate that guy. Still to this day. I remember I had a math teacher one time and he goes, he was asking questions and he goes, for number seven, let's call on the dumbest kid in the room, Bill Barr, and it still fucking bugs me. That was like fucking 24 years ago. You know what? I think that that's what heaven is to me. When I die, I go to heaven and then there's just a line of fucking people that gave me

shit throughout my life and I never punched them in the face and they just come one at a time and I blast them in the, they say what they said to me then and I blast them in the face and it doesn't even hurt my hand because it's heaven. You know? And I always fucking win. Wow, it's a lot of anger, isn't it? Okay, let's plow ahead. So I go, all right, sweetie, let's fucking go up to the goddamn Mandalay Bay. I've never been there. So anyways, like I said, it's run by one of the winners of Hell's Kitchen or some shit. And the reality is, is what I'm not realizing is people who win that show, I'm now really starting to believe like, it's like last comic standing. You go to the winner of last comic standing. Oh, this guy won

last comic standing and then you're going to go see some open miker who's got 10 fucking minutes of material. I'm basing that on the first season. I don't know who won the other fucking seasons, but it's a reality show. So I imagine it's a fucking, I don't know, somebody with like a fucking hula hoop going around their head, somebody with some sort of hook. God knows that's how this business works. You got to have a hook. You know, if anything told me that it was looking at the people headlining in Las Vegas. Yeah, that's not true. There's actually some real comedians out there, George Wallace. I know Bobby Slate worked out there for a while. There was real comics out there, but the guys who make the big fucking bucks, they just do shit, but you know, puppets.

How the fuck is that still entertaining in 2010? You know, like what? I can't do ventriloquism. Is that right? Ventriloquism? Is that the right word? You want to hear me talk without moving my fucking lips? I can do that shit. Hey there, there dummy. What did you do today? Yeah, fuck you, Bill. You're dumber than I am. Isn't that funny? Huh? The dummy saying you're fucking dumb. No, wait, I got to have a stupid voice, right? Take it to another level. Hi, Bill. Fucking sold out shows at Caesars. 10 million a year. Entertainer of the year. Bill Burr and fucking ham face. Whatever the fuck your fucking puppet is. Why is the fucking puppet always smarter? Can't somebody switch that up?

I'd be arguing with my puppet. The second the puppet started giving me shit. Oh really? You're so fucking smart. What if I take my hand out of your back? Now look at you. You just fell on your wooden face, didn't you? You dumb fuck. Then I turn on the crowd. What the fuck is wrong with you people? What is it? The 1930s? What do you want me to do after this? What's my fucking encore? Come out here and do the goddamn Charleston? Charleston, I couldn't even say it. All right, 25 whispering minutes in. I'm actually starting to get a little louder, but you know what? The sun is a little higher in the sky. You like that? Did I sound like a Native American? Anyways, so let Jesus Christ, let's get to the fucking Mandalay Bay.

So we go over to the Mandalay Bay and oh yeah, that's what I'm realizing, that I'm eating at an open Micros fucking restaurant. I didn't even realize that until afterwards. I eat the burger. I got one of their Kobe beef burgers. All right, now let me say something positive about Mandalay Bay before I get out of that. They had some fucking insane shows coming up at their House of Blues. All right, Joe Rogan, friend of this podcast, and he had me on his podcast last week. Joe Rogan is going to be performing there on July 3rd at Mandalay Bay at the House of Blues the day before the big UFC fight. UFC Championship of the World. Do you ever see that Joe Rogan video, the Buffer 360? You got to see that. Just to fucking search that. There's a fucking,

I don't know if it's a YouTube video or if it's just on his website, JoeRogan.net, but check that one out. Really fucking funny video. But anyways, he's playing there and Lamb of God. If you're into that tolerable sort of death metal, that guy still sings in that fucking Tom Waits voice. Tom Waits is really the father of death metal. If you listen to his, the way that guy sings. On a downtown train. Or maybe Louis Armstrong. I think it goes Louis Armstrong, Tom Waits, and then fucking death metal. Now I say trees of green, red roses too. Anyways, so that's a good shit at Mandalay Bay. The bad shit is we go to this fucking burger place. I can't even remember the name of it. We go in there and I order a $16.50 fucking Kobe beef

burger. And they're talking about how it's the greatest goddamn burger, all the highest quality fucking meat. Yada fucking yada. My girl orders one too. $16.50 and $16.50. What is that kids? That's 33 bucks. Plus fries, plus drinks, all that bullshit. The mob doesn't run Vegas anymore. You can't go out and get yourself a $2 steak. The whole fucking place out there now is a goddamn, it's a fuck over. So whatever, cost me like 40 something bucks, 50 bucks with the goddamn tip. I eat it. You know what? It wasn't even that good. My girl's like, how's your burger? You know what I said? I said it's good. Just keeping the peace, keeping the water nice and smooth, nice and fucking still on the horizon. Okay? So anyways, I get back to my hotel. My girl already

tells me she doesn't feel too good. That that burger's sitting in her like a goddamn boot. And I'm like, you know what? I feel fine. I get ready to do my show, iron my button-down shirt, put a little conditioner in my hair. What's left of it? Shape it up a little. And I head downstairs to go work the Orleans Casino, the last place Carlin ever worked, the place where the Smothers Brothers retired. You know? Smothers Brothers, who were so fucking edgy, they actually lost their sketch show during the Vietnam War. I forget what the sketch was, but they had the balls to say no to the network and do a sketch that was actually criticizing what the fuck we were doing over there and they lost their goddamn show.

You know? I don't know about you guys, but for me, that's lifetime respect. So anyways, I walk down there and I'm going through the Orleans Casino and then all of a sudden it just fucking hits me. Boom, right? My stomach, like some capsule, some time-release CIA. You're going to shit your pants. Fucking capsule goes off. And I know there is no question that whatever I just ate was not good for my body and it was about to reject it one way or the other without getting crude people. When something goes into your stomach, if it's coming out, it only has two options. All right? Anyways, I just thought of a really, really bad joke for the fucking third one and I'm not going to say it, but it involved stabbing yourself in the stomach

and you can fill in the blanks on that one. All right. So anyways, so he got to be fucking, you got to be shitting me. No pun intended. So I go in the back way the same way that Carlin used to go in because I've already asked everybody every fucking question, literally so much I'm into Carlin. How did he leave? Did he hang out? No, he'd say goodnight and he would go right out the door and he'd be in the car and he wasn't difficult to work with. I guess he had arthritis at the end of his life and the sound guy was saying, one show, he forgot to take the bottle caps off the water bottles and he saw that Carlin was struggling with them and when he got off because George, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry and Joe was

just like, what? Come on. Come on. I don't give a shit. Don't worry. Just walked out. I guess he was a really great guy. So anyways, I'm walking through this legendary door and you know, and what's worse is like, I know what's going to happen, but I know it's not going to happen for like another 15 minutes and coincidentally, the fucking show starts in 15 minutes and I'm going on first. All right. And this guy when you're backstage literally says 20 minutes till showtime, 20 minutes till showtime. He like counts it down. I never get nervous before shows, but this guy counting down the show is making me nervous. 15 minutes till showtime. Okay. And it's starting to get worse and fucking it literally gets down to two minutes before showtime

and I'm questioning, can I make it through a half hour set? And I was like, you know what? Fuck this. The show can't start without me. My opening music is Elvis Presley anyways. The fuck do I care? They can listen to that song. I'm going to rub my fingers through your long black hair, slam your fucking face off the fucking sink. I don't give a shit. And I said, fuck it. And I fucking ran into the bathroom and I will spare you the details, but you know when something either amazing or something amazing happens, they make a statue. If something horrific happens, a lot of times they will preserve the area, you know, like Dealey Plaza. Fucking president gets his brains blown out. All of a sudden we can't change one blade of fucking grass.

The horror that happened in that fucking bathroom, ladies and gentlemen, I never do shit jokes. They should have retired that fucking bathroom. That's it. They should have just fucking air sealed it and just put a glass fucking door so people could look in and realize why they closed that fucking burger joint at the Mandalay Bay. And I gotta admit, dude, I haven't, this is Monday. I'm finally back to normal. So there you go. This is my big shit story. I had a burger over at the fucking Mandalay Bay and it almost ruined my fucking show over at the Orleans. So if you guys saw me, anybody saw me Saturday night, all right, you want to talk about a professional because I extra fucking killed on that show. If you knew what the fuck happened,

just know that the next time you go to Vegas and you go to see Barry Manilow and he's singing that song, Mandy, you something, you something, and you something, but I still want to fuck you. Oh, Mandy, right? Just know that he could have just been shit in his fucking brains out. Two minutes before he put on his rayon fucking slacks with his horrific plastic surgery, his yank back face. I bet, you know, I was going to say he'd need another facelift if he fucking shit the way I did before my show, but that's actually not true. There's no strain. There was no straining. Anyways, all right, Bill, Jesus Christ, enough already. So anyways, one of the things I like to do when I go out to Vegas is I like to check out some of the acts that are out there,

because Las Vegas is a viable option for a standup comedian. If things aren't going well for you in Hollywood, but you're a huge draw is you can actually go out there. Like, you know, some of the comedians that are out there won't name names, but they're making a ridiculous amount of money. You know, three million, four, five, seven million dollar contracts for the year. And you don't have to travel. You don't have to go on the road or nothing. And believe me, I have thought about it. I've thought about it. It's like, you fucking kidding me? Four million? I'd stay out there for a year. I just do it. I get a fucking, I think I already talked about this. I'd have a, a, uh, this is how I had a plan. I was going to have a fucking, a really

fucking slamming house that I would rent. And then I would make the casino, give me a car service, and I would just have him pick me up, drive me to the gig, walk right in the back door like Carlin do my show and walk. That's probably why I did it. I fucking walk right back out, get me in the car and I get the fuck out of there. You know, that way I wouldn't get sick of the casinos or any of that type of shit, or at least it would take longer. But, uh, someone was telling me that Celine Dion actually has it down. And yes, I am comparing myself to Celine Dion. Because sometimes I don't know if you guys notice when I'm really feeling a joke, I start punching myself in the chest. Her fucking music is horrific. She's like the white version

of Beyonce, you know, where she's really successful. I'd actually fuck her, but the sound of her voice makes me want to just fucking kill myself. You know, I mean, how hot is Beyonce, but her voice is fucking, it's beyond horrific. It's like, it's unacceptable. Doesn't she sound like she's singing like two octaves higher than she should be? The worst is when you're in like a restaurant and they just have it on, it's sort of low volume in the background. And you're like, is someone choking on their food? Actually, that wouldn't make sense because that would mean that you could actually get air out. Is somebody sort of choking on their food? Is there a an S and M couple in the corner booth and the dude is applying just enough pressure? All right, whatever. Anyway, she had it down the

best Celine Dion. She had a helicopter pick her up at her fucking house. She'd land on top of the casino. You guys don't understand how much of a dream this is. Any performer who's listening to this is fucking, has got a fucking heart on at this point. This is the ultimate. All right, other than just having a fucking evil twin robot who always kills and just goes out and does your shows, you know, and the fucking helicopter would pick her up at the house, fly her over to the casino, land on top of the casino, and then she would just go down, go out, sing, punch herself in the chest, and then just fucking get back on the helicopter and ride back. Do you realize that means she was doing her vocal warm up in like her bathroom, you know, and like five seconds later or whatever

as she sat in her kitchen, eating fucking fruit loops or some shit, you know. And you hear the fucking sound of those helicopter blades. Oh, dude, I would be listening to the theme from Mash. You know, or maybe some of that music that they listen to in like apocalypse now. What was some of the music that they listen to? Was that the one, one of those war movies where they would listen to the doors? This is the end, do do do, my holy friend, the end. You probably wonder, right, Bill, what the fuck are you singing so much for on your podcast this week? I'll tell you why because I went out to Vegas and I saw a group out there that was selling out and it was frustrating to me how much people like singers. This group had the worst fucking name of any group

I've ever seen in my life. All right, it was four people, three guys and one girl, all with like the fucking facelifts, face yanked back, the fucking hair died, all well into their fifties, except for one of them, who might have been 38. And I thought they were not Capella group, they're not, they sing and they have a band there. And the name of the group was Vocal Soup. Vocal Soup. Is that not the most disgusting fucking name you've ever fucking heard? Who came up with that? Vocal Soup. So I'm like, I have to go, I have to go on YouTube. Look them up. Look up Vocal Soup and click on Vocal Soup and Concert. And I'm going to sing you some of their lyrics. They sing Vocal Soup. Yeah, yeah. You take four

cool voices and you make them hot and you give it everything you got, you get Vocal Soup. How fucking gross is that? It just makes you gag, just to think of it. And in the fucking lyrics, they do nothing to try to make it less gross. There's actually a line in that, in their stupid theme song that you won't stop slurping till you're burping up Vocal Soup. And the end of the video, I shit you not, speaking of shit, which is the reoccurring theme of this podcast, they actually have an animated bowl of soup that is shit brown. It looks like a bowl of fucking diarrhea. I know it's gross, but I have to accurately describe it. And they have notes coming out of it with the steam. Vocal Soup. Oh, it's fucking horrific. Vocal Soup. And this

is what killed me is the one guy in the band, the rocker is actually this guy from the group Foreigner. And it's just like, okay, whatever, you know, I don't know if foreigners broke up right now and you had a bad deal, some behind the music shit, you need money. Hey, I respect it. But how the fuck did you sign off on Vocal Soup, former person that was in Foreigner? You know, you know, you didn't speak up like, Hey guys, you know, I don't want a big league anybody, you know, but I wasn't a band that not only sold out arenas, not only had a number one record, but I wanted to say we actually had a pretty cool fucking name. I think we can do better than Vocal Soup. I mean, I don't want to go the hacky route here with like what were the other

options? What were the other options? Throat puke. Fucking throat puke. Yeah, yeah. You won't stop yak until you're fucking burping up stomach acid. It's fucking horrific. But of course they sell out, they sell out and everybody loves them. And I guess the piano player worked with Frank Sinatra for 10 fucking years and he also signed off on Vocal Soup. It's just, I don't know, but they sell out, you know, that's what the fuck happens in Vegas. And it really, you know, Vegas will really help you understand this business as a performer, like why good things don't make it and why shit makes it all you got to do is fucking go out there, you know, put a fucking toilet seat on your head. Toilet seat head. Yeah, yeah.

If you don't have a toilet and you want to take a fucking shit. All right. I think that's it. I'm running out of fucking steam here. Let's recommend some YouTube videos here. YouTube video. I already told you to check out Vocal Soup. It's just making me sick to my stomach to continue to say that name. YouTube video, look up Best Cry Ever. It's unbelievable. And then, of course, you got to hit the autotune remix of it. It really is the best one ever. But don't look at the Popeyes chicken one. I hate when they, people do those that racist shit, you know. Anyways, and then there's another one. This is just an uncomfortable podcast. I talked to you about my bodily functions. I brought up Vocal Soup.

And just for the trifecta of disgusting, it's usually not, it's never been this disgusting. I'm going to nominate this one for the most disgusting podcast of all time. And this is the cherry on top here. The last YouTube video is Chimp Rape's Frog. It's really fucking, I actually had to shut it off. I had to shut it off. It started off. It's sort of funny. And then it's bizarre. And then the people in the background who are filming it are so fucking dumb that you can't, I don't know. They just, you just listen to them and you hear that they're parents. And you know, you realize why we shouldn't have tried to stop the swine flu. Swine flu. I can't even talk. Sorry. I'm trying to talk and type at the

same time. And here's something new. Here's the fucking cool old car of the week. Go on, go on YouTube and look up a Nash Metropolitan. Now I'm sure people made fun of this and you're going to be like, of course you like this car, Bill, because you drive a fucking Prius. But you got to check this. This car was a fucking badass car. When they were making all these huge cars back in the day, they made this little fucking car. I don't know. Check it out. Tell me what you think about it. Some people like redid theirs. I know it's not a fucking McLaren. Don't be a cunt. Just check it out. It's a cool fucking car by international, I guess. Nash and international is somehow combined or something. I don't know what happened. They

became American motors. I really should have looked that part up. But it's a fucking cool car. It's got three on the tree. The old school cars where you had the if it was an automatic, the park, neutral, reverse, drive, all that shit was right on the steering column. I think last time they made a car, if it was a standard and you shift it up there, they called it three on the tree. And I'd never even heard of that until I was like fucking 25 years old because those cars were long gone. But this thing, three on the fucking tree, check it out, a Nash metropolitan. And you know what? That's going to be it for the Whispering podcast this week. And maybe it was a good thing that I whispered it because it was so

fucking disgusting. Let me, let me hype some of my gigs coming up here. Let me go to the official website of Bill Burr. I'm going to be the next gig I have. I'm not working again until I actually have July 12th on my website, but I have to change that. I don't get to Montreal until the 13th people. July 13th through the 17th, I'm going to be in Montreal, Canada, speaking of cities that riot after they win or lose, just like Los Angeles, another sports town of fucking animals who attack police officers and tip over cars, even if they fucking win, win or lose. I'm going to be up at the Montreal Comedy Festival, the Just For Last Festival, doing my new one hour of material. So all you fucking frogs up there who want to pretend like

you're from Paris. Speaking of that shit, I love the, I'm actually going to burn a job, burn a joke. How many fucking listeners do I have? Actually, you know what? My, the guy who actually set up my entire podcast player told me a week ago that as of the beginning of this month told me this a week ago, I had 1,000,000,000 something downloads of my podcast. Do you understand that for a second? Let's think about that for a second. If I charged a dollar a podcast, I wouldn't have to do this fucking podcast anymore. That's actually bullshit. First of all, people wouldn't have, you know, I know a lot of people go back and they download all 150. And if it was a buck a piece, they wouldn't. But if I charged

a dime a piece, I would add 100 grand, 100 fucking grand. You know, that's almost as much as vocal soup makes a night. All right. So anyways, maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll charge like a fucking dime. Because if you didn't notice from the, from the story I was telling you about working Vegas and not having to do the road and that type of thing, that's what happens to performers after a while is it's not the doing of the show. It's the fucking travel. And you try to figure out how the fuck I can get off the road. Initially, the road seems like a cool, fun thing to do when it is. But then as you get older and you've been pretty much everywhere, you try to look for ways. What would you guys do if I charged 10 cents?

Now, what would that be? 10 cents, you guys are really going to expose me for how dumb I am. That means you can download the entire podcast for 15, three fucking years for 15 bucks. You know, be $15. I'd have 100 grand in my pocket. Granted, it would go down to like fucking 50 after the goddamn government came in. But you know what? You know what that would do? That would buy me a nude fucking dodge challenger, the fucking top of the line one with the fucking stripe on it and shit. Don't worry, I'm not going to charge a dime. But what I am going to do is I'm going to start, I'm at the beginning of guilting you guys into buying my new DVD, okay? Just for the simple fact that I don't charge for this motherfucker, I'm going to let you guys know

that I'm going to guilt you motherfuckers. All right, pay it forward. And it's not, you can't just buy one of my DVDs. You got to buy two, one for yourself to show all your friends. And then you got to buy the second one for somebody that you don't really like. But you have to buy him a gift. It's a great fucking gift, you know? You're boss. You have cunt-y fucking sister-in-law, you know? And you have to get him a gift because they're getting you a gift. That's a great gift to get is my fucking DVD. It's only fucking 20 bucks. There you go, you cunt, shut your face. And watch this guy trash women for an hour. That's it, everybody. That's the podcast for this week. I apologize that it was so fucking graphic. I usually don't tell shit stories, shit jokes,

bodily fluid stories, but it happened. What do you want from me? But anyways, I want to thank the Orleans Casino for having me. I had a fucking great time. If you go out to Vegas, go to the Orleans Casino, you know? If you're a little more mature and you don't want to deal with those fucking whores walking around. Oh, hey, I gotta give you guys the name of this fucking thing. Actually, I'm not one of these guys who's into art. Really, Bill? You just did a fucking shit joke for fucking 45 minutes. If you guys, next time you go out to Vegas, go out to the Peter Lick Gallery. Peter Lick, L-I-K. This guy takes pictures of like beautiful scenes in nature, and he uses this camera from like the 1930s that it literally takes a minute for the camera to

take a picture. And obviously, I don't know shit about photography, but I don't know what he does. He opens something, it's wide open, and he hits it. And because it takes so long to take the picture, it gets all these unbelievable colors. It literally looks like an HD TV picture. And they stick you in these rooms and with these dimmers, and what they do is they dim the lights down. It looks like the sun is going down. I can't explain it, but they have a gallery in Mandalay Bay, the Venetian, and that covered mall there at Caesar's Palace. Definitely check that out. If you're going out to Vegas, Peter Lick. When you're done checking out Joe Rogan at the House of Blues, July 3rd, go to the... Oh, you could do that. Go up there. Don't get a hamburger.

Check out the Peter Lick pictures and have them sit you down in one of the rooms and have them dim the fucking lights and check it out, man. Peter Lick, man, it's the shit. All right, that's it. I hope it was funny. I hope it was a funny podcast. I felt a little fucking hampered by the fact I had the whisper here, but what the hell did I do? Did I just shut this fucking thing off? No, I didn't. All right, you guys, everybody have a good week. I'll talk to you next week. And it's crying against you. Oh, yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nothing has worked.

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