Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-17

Episode Date: June 29, 2017

Bill rambles about the New York Breeze, big houses and and giving them the Sun.

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Who's that checking in on you, you cunt? Sorry, I'm in New York. You know, all of a sudden you're just going to start doing your little Sinatra vibe. Dude, I'm going out and I'm buying a new pair of fucking sneakers today. Dude, what are you going to get, dude? You're going to get the Jordan 5s, dude. I don't know what I'm going to get, you know. I'm getting some old man running the sneakers. I need some workout sneakers, you know. How about the ones that were on Better Call Saul for the old ladies? Did you guys watch the rest of that series? Did you see it yet? Can I ruin it for you? I've got to tell you, in the last episode, in the last scene, when the guy says...

Just trying to get all you guys to scamper for your fucking pause buttons. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't watch it yet. People literally run out of the room. People run out of the fucking room. When you start talking about a show, they haven't seen the last episode yet. They do that, you know what I mean? But if you just sit there and somebody rips a fart, people just put a fucking shirt over their nose. Ah, who did that? You're literally inhaling air from this guy's ass, you know. That doesn't make you leave the room. God forbid somebody brings up the last episode of a fucking show you haven't seen.

Everybody runs out like the building's on fire. It is a perfect, perfect day in New York City. The breeze, dude. This breeze, top five breezes ever. This breeze, my top five ever. That's a Verzi thing. Verzi would actually rank his breezes. Top five breezes ever. Dude, I was sitting there. I had on a pair of Jordan sixes with the fucking v-neck with the chain on the outside. Over. Over.

Waitress came up to me. She could barely take my order. She couldn't, she couldn't even, like, she was taken in the whole thing. It was ridiculous. New pair of guest jeans. Over. Oh, fuck. Anyways. Yeah, so I'm up in fucking Port Chester. I don't know what Port Chester is. I know West Chester. There's East Chester. And evidently, there's Port Chester, which I believe is just Connecticut.

I'm there tonight. I'm there tomorrow. And then I'm there on Saturday. And then I'm done. And then I'm back. And I'll tell you right now, you have not experienced loneliness until you have a fucking kid. And then you leave my favorite part of the fucking days when my kid wakes up. You know what I mean? Because like, they're super fucking rested. And they just, you know, life hasn't beaten them down yet. They don't have any credit card debt. Then they've got some psycho blowing up their phone.

They don't have this shit they got to do. Some fucking receipt they have to find. They got the look of contentment on her face. You know, when you go down, when you go to give her a kiss, like she lifts all of her limbs come up. Like a baby's ability to do leg lifts. I don't know how the fuck, if I tried to do what she did just straight up, just lifts them right up.

I don't get it. It's like they're sucking their toes. Evidently I was that flexible at one point. I'll tell you that a couple million miles in the back of the fucking plane. That'll take the infant right out of you. That'll take the sparkle right out of your eye. That's what I miss the most. So that I always face time with my lovely lady.

And that's the best. It's the best, but it sucks when I'm on the road. But I just out here being like, you know what? I'm earning money someday. So when she has to go to private fucking kindergarten for 90 grand a year, or whatever the hell it costs, because evidently if she goes to a public school, she's going to get stabbed, you know? What happened?

What happened to the public schools? Was it the computers? Is that what it was? Everybody had to have a tablet, a laptop, some sort of interface. Is that what happened? And went right through the fucking, and all of a sudden we couldn't keep up with China. How the fuck is China beating us? The overhead of a fucking billion people alone.

I mean, we should be like, we should get everything at a 60% discount over here. As far as educating our own people. Does it make any sense? Does any of it make any fucking sense? Does it make any sense how so many people are fucking struggling out there? And they just keep building these luxury apartments, and these fucking giant goddamn houses. Who are these people?

Right? And there we are. It's money from Russia. It's running from China. It's oil money from the Middle East. Now listen, I don't know what to do about China. I don't know what to do about Russia. And I don't know what to do about the Middle East,

but that's not going to stop me from telling you what to do about all these things. I just ate. Why is my stomach grumbling? This is all you got to do for the Middle East, okay? All we do is we just, you fucking, you embrace solar power. That's it. How do we do that? How do we do that with the oil companies?

If somebody fucking, if we actually went in a solar direction, wouldn't a bunch of planes start crashing that had the leaders of the solar movement on them? Yes, that would definitely happen. They would definitely take them out. So what do you do? This is what you do. You give the sun to the oil people. Okay?

You drop a contract and you say the sun is yours. All right? Now what are they going to do with the sun? They can't put it out. They can't touch it. It'll burn their fucking hands. But they just make the money off the fucking, the solar power. Okay?

And they can just somehow handle that those people in the Middle East are sitting on a bunch of goop that they can make money off of. They could just seamlessly fucking walk away from that shit. If I was president, I would literally give oil companies federal fucking grants to fucking get the solar thing going. You guys own the sun. I would just keep walking, but you own the sun. And they'd be sitting,

Well, what about the stuff and the stuff with the Middle East over? Dude, fuck that stuff. All right? You know what that stuff is? That stuff's like, it's like an Atari. It's like the Reebok pump. Nobody gives a shit. Okay?

This is the new shit. This is the new shit. We're giving you the fucking sun, sun. You understand that? You own the center of this solar system. All right? And every fucking little bit of heat that comes off that thing that trickles down onto my freckled bald goddamn head, you own.

You put a fucking meter right on my back. I don't give a shit. Okay? And I want you guys are thinking, Ah, Bill, this doesn't make any fucking sense. I don't give a shit. Let's listen to me. Hear me out.

You give these people the sun. You give them the goddamn sun. All right? And then what? What happens over in the Middle East? They're sitting on all of this fucking goop. All right? And all of a sudden it's not worth, it's not worth diddly squat.

Okay? And all of a sudden the fucking, the bills start piling up. They don't know what to do. They start selling their properties over here. They want to give money to the terrorist groups. They don't got the money to do it. You fucking bleed them dry. Then that's it.

And then they go back to doing whatever the fuck they want to do over there. God forbid they live their lives the way they want to live it over there. God forbid they're not into Jesus and Starbucks. God for fucking bid. They want to walk around in some clothes that are actually functional for the part of the world they live in. You just leave them the fuck alone. And then all they got to do is just keep driving around in cars and all of that shit. So they, you know, they'll make a lot less money.

But they won't have us over there going, hey, you should do this and you should do that. We just get the fuck out of there. Then we're over here. Solar powered everything. Right? Just think about everything. Think about your shirt. Solar powered everything.

Everything fucking solar powered. I know what you're thinking. Well, Bill, what happens at night? You go to bed. What do people do in Alaska during the winter? Fuck them. We got to get out. We got to get out of that place.

If it's the last thing we ever do, it's bankrupting us. It's making very few people a ton of fucking money. It is bankrupting us. We're not going to, you cannot solve that shit. Okay. So now that we know you can't solve it because I said you can't solve it without doing any research. Now that what now that I've established that as a fact on my own podcast. The only thing other reason to be over there is they're sitting on all that goop.

But now we don't need the goop. The goop. The goop. The goop is on fire. We don't give a fuck. Keep it. Right? You give the sun to the oil companies.

That's it. Just go total solar power. You know, Jim McConaughey, that Georgia peanut farmer, he said it 40 years ago. He said, we are addicted to oil. We've had, we just kept going and going and going. And now look at us. Now look at us. Now look at us spending all this fucking money over there.

They're giving it to the cunts that are shooting shit at us. Right? And then we're shooting back at them. They're making all this money. And then they come over and they buy a 50 fucking thousand square foot house. Overlooking our shit. Overlooking our shit. Hey, hey, hey, we overlook you.

We're up on the hill. Not the other way around. Huh? You give them the sun. Oh God, you guys, I'm telling you, I would have that. I would fucking sell those oil guys. I would have a meeting under a mountain. Wherever the fuck you meet with these fucking people that really run shit.

You know, you're underneath the mountain. There's fucking underwater waterfalls and shit. Right? There's like these planted, the eight fucking things walking or whatever fuck goes on underneath that thing. Right? And you just tell them, is that shit? I can't do a waterfall. What am I fucking, the dude from police academy?

I can't do that. Sound effects. Gentlemen, I came here. I came underneath this mountain tonight. To give you the sun. I'm sorry, I don't have my proper recording equipment here. I can't, I can't do my Illuminati meeting. You give them the fuck, give them the fucking sun.

They give them the sun. Give them the fucking sun. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. That's what I would do. Instead of going over there talking about evil doers and doers of evil and fucking this, that and the other. You pack the whole fucking shit up. That's it. You pack it all up.

You send over 10 cargo planes. You bring the men and women of the Ab forces. You bring them home. Right? You say you can keep your goop. You can keep your said. But I want some of those cool clothes. I like the clothes they wear over there.

The giant open ended onesie. Whatever the fuck you call it. I think those things are cool, Matt. I wish, I want one of those. Can I buy one of those without offending Muslims? Could I talk my way out of a beheading if I put one of those on? Just look, Matt, I'm a redhead. It was hot out.

Look how pasty I am. What am I supposed to do? Then they get my face. You blew it. That's it. That's all I wanted to say today. Give the oil companies the sun. You give it to them and then the whole fucking thing is over.

Whatever. I believe I can fly. So I got a gig here tonight. And I'm going to go play some drums. There's a little HRSA studio down the street. I'm going to go play my fucking drums for a couple of hours. I was going to go ride around on one of those fucking city bank, fucking banker cunt bicycles, but there's never any.

They got like 14 for the whole city. And then also what kind of an asshole rides a bicycle in a city? You know what I mean? What am I in Europe? How many people die a year in Europe just riding around on bicycles in a fucking city? So those fucking cars go by walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, fucking yet another ambulance going over to pick up some fucking six foot three inch fucking 110 pound European that you could

take it out on his bicycle. It has a basket on the front. Um, I like riding bicycles. Oh, you know what? I watched this documentary called ovarian psychos. Right? How do you not click on that? I first clicked on this action movie and it was just the same fucking shit.

The one guy who beats the fuck out of everybody. Nobody ever, they all have guns, but they never think to use it. And I was just like, I've seen this a million times. He's loud and look at that nice classic car. They're wrecking the fucking thing. I can't watch this shit. So I shut it off and I saw this thing called ovarian psychos. And I was like, I want, I want, I got it.

Well, I gotta see what this is about. It was about some, uh, some women in East LA, mainly Mexican who are sick of fucking being scared women and they started their own group and they ride around these women's only, uh, you know, riding bicycles when there's like a full moon or some shit. I don't know. I don't know. So I was watching this stuff.

And of course, typical guys were like, women's only, that's like sexist. What if I had a guy's only bike? Right. I hate when people act like it's a level playing field. You know what I mean? It's like they're having this thing because it's not a level playing field. One of the women in there was just like, everything's kind of for fucking men only. Which it really is when you really look at it.

Okay. I don't want to fucking come off as a complete goddamn liberal here. All right. But you know, it really is. It's, it's just, it's there for the taken for you when you're a guy, you know, not saying you're going to get it. Nine out of 10 people still fail. That's one thing that feminists don't realize.

You know, when you listen to them talking about what it's like to be a guy, they have this cartoonish idea of what it's like to be a guy. You just show up. Oh, and the classic one, the more you act like a dick, the more people respond. The more people respect you. I love that one. If a woman, if a woman does it, she's considered a bitch. If a guy does it, it's like, have they ever done a survey?

Just ask the general public, hey, if you had your choice between working for somebody nice or working for a complete fucking asshole who treats you like shit, which would you pick? Yeah, nobody does. When I meet successful people, truly successful people that get it. Successful in their personal life and in their professional life. Those people I always meet. They're always humble. They're self-deprecating.

They walk into a room. You want to be around them and they're good at talking to people. They don't come in like fucking Alec Baldwin and Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. That bullshit that men respect a guy like that. Who the fuck want... No, I don't. I don't respect anybody. What I see is an insecure asshole who's afraid it's all going to go away by the afternoon.

Anyway, so I'm watching this documentary. Check it out. It's actually really... The only thing that bothered me about the documentary is the way they spelled psychos. Ovarian psychos. It's like, but you're on cycles. So why didn't you spell the first half like cycle and the rest like psycho? You know, little word play there?

Nothing? All right. Anyways, so I watched it. It was interesting. And actually this one woman said in it, you know, she'd been through all this shit when she was a little girl with her mother and then she had a daughter. I believe she was. At least she had a kid.

She became a mom. And then her mother said, well, now do you at least understand me? I bet you understand me a lot more. And she said to her mother, no, actually, I've never understood you less. And I actually cringed when I saw that. And I was just like, you know, that's something if you feel it, you don't say to your mom. Like, what do you get out of saying that to your mother? All you're going to do is devastate her and make her feel like she completely failed as

a mom. And it doesn't get you any real estate. That's something you say to your friend. And now that I have a kid, it's just like, I don't even understand what the fuck my mother did to me even more. And you fucking clink your wine coolers. And then that's it. You don't say it to your mom.

We're taking collars. You just watched a chic hydro transformer ad that made those dollar shaped club ads make even more fucking sense. The blade literally turned into one of those fucking robots. Why is Matambo wagging his finger at me like he just blocked a shot in a mobile one commercial? Is he out of NBA money? Where the fuck did he come from out of nowhere? Did he buy one too many fucking gold chains or some shit?

And he's called up as agent. I need to work again. Is that Schwarzenegger? I don't know. I don't have no idea. I don't have my ads. I'll have to read the ad at the end of this fucking thing. Whenever the fuck that thing comes in, I have no idea.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to bring this up. Season three of F is for family is going to happen. Thank you so much to everybody who watched. We are now breaking stories for season three. It's animation. So season three ought to come out somewhere in late 2019. No, we're hoping that we can have it come out. You know, we came out May 30th of this year.

So that's what I'm personally, that's what I'm shooting for. Now, I haven't communicated that to anybody I've worked. I'm working with. I'm just assuming that they already know that. And if it doesn't happen, I will just get quiet for no reason around them. That's the way I was taught to communicate with others while growing up. Do all the math in your head. Do not communicate it to anybody.

And when they don't see it the way you see it, you just stop talking to people. That was the way it was done. And then you just don't talk to them for like three days. And then when they finally are like, well, I guess I'm not going to fucking talk to you again. You then out of nowhere bring up whatever game happened last night. And you start talking about it like the last three days never fucking happened. That's the way it was done when I was growing up. Hey, one of these days I'm actually going to fly up to Port Chester in a helicopter.

I'm trying to convince this guy to put dual controls on. It's the whole fucking purpose of me going, right? Fly over the George Washington Bridge. I just want to see how you transition through all this fucking commercial airspace where you have JFK, you have LaGuardia, and you have Newark. But I see helicopters all the time going up and down the Hudson Bay. So there's got to be some corridor that they're allowed to fly. Like probably I would guess no higher than like, I don't know, they fly really fucking low.

But I never know if it's like sightseeing. I wouldn't think you'd be any higher than a thousand feet. And you just kind of, you know, and then just look out for Sully when he comes landed in the Hudson Bay. I do know with LAX that you either transition along the beach at a below 150 or you go along Sepulveda Boulevard, which I never do that one. That one always scares the shit out of me. Because you look down and there's a jumbo jet underneath you. And I always think like, what if he aborts his landing and just fucking yanks back on the stick?

Then I got this fucking 300 person missile coming right at me in my little R-22. You know? You ever see a cheetah running down a baby, whatever? That's what it would be like except it's the aviation version of that. And I would be the baby gazelle. Not even a gazelle. A baby turtle. How slow is a baby turtle? Is there anything sadder than watching that documentary when those baby turtles try to make it to the ocean

and all those fucking seagulls come down and pick off nine out of ten of them? I fucking love turtles. I had a pet turtle when I was a kid. And I used to feed it like dead grasshoppers and shit. I love this fucking thing. I love cleaning the tank, making sure it's shell stayed fucking wet and all that so it wouldn't crack. And I had my little tank set it up. I fucking love this thing.

I love watching it coming up for air and all that shit. So one time I went to church because that's what I used to do every Sunday, right? So I went to church with my family baggy. So we go to church and I came home and the turtle was, the way I'd positioned the rock, the turtle had gone head first into the water and its turtle ass was out of the water and I immediately went over and I picked it up and its head was sunk all the way back into its like shell and its eyes were closed and its mouth was open and it wasn't moving.

And I was like, oh fuck, is it dead? Did it drown? And I went downstairs and I said, dad, is my turtle dead? He goes, yeah, he's gone. And I was fucking devastated. So I took a bread and take a brown, you know, you put your lunch in the brown like lunch bags, put the turtle in there and then I went out the woods and dug it a little grave and put the marker up and then that was it. And then my dad was like, well get you another one.

We'll get you another one. I was like, no, I don't deserve it. I blame the turtles. It was my fault. I set up the fucking, the rock's wrong. And I was just like, that's it, that's it. I'm done, you know? I'm done.

I'm not going to kill another fucking turtle. And it was so weird. Like four days later we were driving down the street and there was a turtle crossing the street. This is back when there was actually animals, you know, before we fucking killed and ate all of them, you know? I blame the food network for that, you know, and all these fucking assholes going around eating bizarre foods. I'm in Timbuktu eating maggots. Right now, all of a sudden everybody's got to eat maggots to serve in grasshoppers at fucking mariner games or whatever the hell they're doing out there.

This is America. We don't eat grasshoppers. We eat Doritos. Taco Bell. You give them the sun, everybody. I'm telling you, that would turn this country around. Turn this country around. Just give them the sun.

That's it. So anyways, I flew the other day on Tuesday. I hadn't flown like a month and I flew like a fucking champ to the point. I actually got a goddamn compliment from my instructor unsolicited. Said, you're flying great today. Made me feel really good. Okay. I've done my auto rotations.

I'm ready to get back out there and solo. So there's a flight I want to do. I want to fly up to Santa fucking Barbara solo. So that's what I'm working towards. And I'm really looking forward to it. I've been flying a lot in the valley and everything, getting to know all of that stuff. It's so fucking cool. Yesterday, we were actually, two days ago, we were going to try to fly over to Santa Monica airport.

Because I knew that they're allegedly closing it in five years. We'll see what the fuck happens. So I was like, well, I never landed there. I might as well go over there and check that place out. But what we wanted to do, like pad work, they don't let you do that over there. Noise abatements and all that. They don't want some helicopter flying around on a lot of shit. So we just said, fuck it.

We flew up along the coast. We went by the Pacific Palatades. You're just sitting there looking. That's what the whole, give them the sun shit came from. I looked, I said, look at that fucking house they're building. This house was, the size of this house, I looked at it and I said to the instructor, I go, that looks like if they're building a fucking mall that I would never go into. Going like that's going to be too crowded.

And it was somebody's house. It was going to cost half a fucking billion dollars. And there was some prince of some fucking country in the Middle East, you know, was going to move. That's like his fucking house on the other side of the world. That's his cottage. And that right there, I was just like, how much fucking money are we giving to these people? It's time to give the oil companies the sun. That's, that's all you do.

So they're still in control of everything. You know, they could give us empty threats. Well, shut it off. You know, like they could do it. So anyway, so we're flying over there and I'm just looking at all these fucking houses and I look down. I see this one. It was this fucking beautiful house. I go, Jesus Christ, look at that one.

I have like these, this glass where you couldn't see in at all, like sealing the floors as fucking. It looked like a goddamn yacht, but it was a house. And, and all those guys, they always give tours so they know all the celebrities. And it's so and so is fucking house. And I was like, wow, that's what 20 million a movie gives you. And I'm not going to say the guy's name because he probably has enough fucking people looking at his house, although recently they said that he sold it. So I have no fucking idea.

But anyways, I had a great time. I did have a great time. The only thing is whenever I land off airport, I all the fucking shit that I know to do the downwind checks. You know, all of that. I forget to do all of it. That's the only part I fucked up. So we're doing like this pinnacle landing and I, you know, you set up the downwind base and then go final. And I fucking, you know, I was coming in for a landing.

I was still doing like 65 knots. I was supposed to be down to like 30, you know, slowing down and shit. Guys going, all right, you're going a little fast. I want to do some S turns here. But anyways, I am, yeah, very excited to do that type of shit. And this is the time when I would usually read some advertising there, but I don't have any. What else can I talk about here? Let's look it up.

I have to hum my password or else I can't, you know, I got in here late and I watched a little at the end of the fucking Yankees game. The baby bomb is over there. Fucking kicking the shit out of everybody. Oh, you know, I love about my building here in New York is we have rooftop access and to me for me. I feel like that's part of the New York experience. You got to be up on a fucking roof. The only thing that sucks is you can't smoke up there. You know, they just have like chairs.

I don't even think you can smoke. I just said smoke. I don't think you can eat. You know what I mean? I think you just can go up there and like read books. It's like, what the fuck? You know what I mean? It's probably cameras up there.

You can't even go up there and bang your broad. Huh? You like the skyline? Fucking skyline. You know, you can't do that anymore. Back in the day, back in the 90s when I was there, I got pawn shop on in the background. Somebody's trying to sell a Murray Eliminator. It looks like an Apollo three speed.

I don't know if you guys noticed, but Bill on Ephes for family has a bike like that. And that was a bike I always wanted and my parents are like, no, we're going to get you the nerdy, more fucking. We're not going to get you one of those cool chopper looking bikes. We're going to get you one of the fucking nerdy ones. You know, Beach Rambler. Let's see what the fuck this guy's asking for this. The F3 Eliminator. Which was 69 and this had all the bells and whistles.

I mean. Eliminator mark two. What are you going to do? How much are you going to get for this? So what are your concerns, Court? I'm going to give them a look over and see if they're all original. Okay. Yeah, I'll check them out.

This is where they always fuck them over. Actually, the C, some of the metal fleck, as you can see, has a little scratch on it. So I'm going to give you one 90th of what your asking price was. You know, it kills me. Those fucking bikes were like, I don't know. They were probably like 60, 70 bucks, which is a lot of money back in the day. And now they're worth like hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Yeah, but it's called inflation.

It's called the Federal Reserve. All right. I just went down the rabbit hole. All right. That is the, I was just checking in on you guys. I've just given you a couple of laughs on your ride home or whatever the fuck it is that you're doing. I guess I'll do the advertising read whenever the fuck I get that. And I'll just splice it on the end of this, which is what you're going to listen to in two seconds.

So I don't know why I just explained it. All right. By the way, Balcony seats for Paul Verzi stand up special on August 13th at the Terry Town Music Hall have now gone on sale. The tickets are going fast for the two shows. I'm very excited about me and Pete Davidson are going to go out, go out before Paul's show to warm up the crowd that night. Do a little fucking Smothers Brother thing. I think we're just going to try out new material. I'm going to run that by him.

We just, you know, he'll try a new joke, then I'll try a new joke. And then you guys get to judge it. Who's your like better? All right. And then whoever fucking wins gets a goddamn pie. I don't know what we'll figure something out. It's going to be a great night. So thank you everybody for watching efforts for family and thank you for helping out the all things comedy network.

We're producing our first stand up special with the great Paul Verzi, who soon to become a household name, soon to start selling out nationwide, developing a drug habit, leaving his family, taking his family back. He's taken the fucking Hollywood ride. No, Paul's not going to do that. I can't wait to see Paul Verzi with money. I cannot fucking wait. First of all, his bedroom is going to look like a foot locker. He's going to have all his fucking Jordans up on the wall. He's going to have like 19 different.

He's going to have a gold chain for every fucking day of the month. Kind of car when he likes a four door sedan, some giant gangster fucking looking car. You know, fucking walking humidor. I can't wait to see it. I really can't wait to see it. It's going to be there's certain people, you know, they get money. They're fucking boring. I've been guilty of that.

But there's other people you're like, God, I can't wait to see this. This is going to be some fucking legendary shit. If he like, if I came into Paul's house and he's somehow in a split entry house, figured out how to put a word. The world is mine fountain at the foot of the landing of the fucking two stairs. One goes up. One goes down. I wouldn't surprise me in the least and I can't wait to see it because I love the guy. All right, that's it.

Here comes some advertising that I'm going to read some point in the future, but you're going to hear it now. Have a great weekend. You fucking cancel over there. And thank you to everybody about tickets out here in poor Chester. I'll see you tonight. Tomorrow is say finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help. Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications?

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Lyft.com slash burr. Limited time only terms apply. Alright, that ends the ads for this week. Please enjoy the music and the half hour of a special Thursday afternoon podcast from Thursday afternoon that went by or maybe never happened. See ya! I wish you could swim Like dolphins Like dolphins can swim

Though nothing, nothing will keep us together We can beat them, forever and ever Or we can be heroes, just for one day Shut the fuck up This is the Monday morning podcast with Bill Burmer Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and this is the Monday morning podcast from Monday, June 29th, 2009, and that was an MP3 by one of my listeners. Kind of an old school one, which I kind of liked.

You know, a little old school, a little new school, you know, still had the 80s heavy metal radio station sound to it. And then it also had like that, the newer sort of, what do they call that, that cookie monster singing where people like You know, I really respect the musicianship of being able to play that fast, but I have to admit, maybe I'm too old, but I just can't listen to some guy go Without laughing, or it just seems ridiculous to me. But maybe that's me, I don't know, but thank you for the, I know those things take a long time to put together, so I appreciate anybody who does one. And I actually got, I got another one this week, so next week there'll be a different intro. And if you're new to my podcast, that's one of the things, every once in a while, one of my listeners will put together an MP3 and then it takes me eight days to figure out how to fucking sync it up in garage band. I just wish I knew a way where I could play it and talk over it like you would on like a fucking, I guess a radio show.

If anybody knows how to do that, you know what, there was a fucking question I was going to ask you guys, some sort of computer question. God damn it, I got to write these things down. I really got to write these things down. Anyways, I'm still in New York City, everybody. I am down to my, the final week. I just have one more scene to shoot. I got two lines. That's all I got left.

And then I, then I'm out of the movie and it's been, it's been great. It's been a great experience and, but I am going a little bit nuts because I've been away from my life for so long, which I don't know. I think a lot of you guys maybe don't get to experience that if you have more of a real life where you get to just go to work and then come home. You know, like when you go on vacation, how it's fun for the first fucking week, you know, and everything's cool, maybe it takes a couple days to relax. But then it comes to that point where you get in the vacation where you're kind of ready to go home and you know, you need to, you need to, you just need to sleep in your own bed. Yeah, I just want to go home, you know, see my dog and fucking, you know, put them in a full, you know, put her in a full Nelson, maybe give her a couple of jabs to her little doggy nose. That's another thing. If you're new to my podcast, I really love kicking the shit out of my dog. It's, I'm kidding.

You know, you know what this really is? This is me, my inability to say that I miss people in my life. Okay, this is my, my fucking Irish Boston, you know, inability to hug right now to say that I actually, you know, maybe miss some people in my life. See, I have to have an ambiguous right now. So anyways, yeah, so I've been fucking staying here in New York, you know, going to the same goddamn diner every morning. And I know this is a really hacky premise and I say that every week as I throw out hacky shit. But what is the deal with ordering orange, orange juice and they charge, they charge, I had a small, they charge me 450. You know, I got a couple of eggs. So I thought it was going to come in at about like fucking, you know, the $13 range. And next thing you know, it's like, I owe like 25 bucks and it's because I ordered a fucking orange juice.

Is it because everybody loves it? You know, there's no shortage of oranges. It's, I don't know, Jesus Christ, this podcast sucks. This podcast really sucks. Thank God I had an intro because I literally just ran out of steam right there. You know, what is the deal with oranges, Bill? Huh? All right, let's talk about some fucking topical shit. Geezy, you would think that I would bring up some other shit, maybe some other. Let's just backtrack with all the crazy shit that's happened this week. All right, Bernie Madoff just got 150 fucking years in jail for being the piece of shit that he evidently is because the guy got convicted for, you know, that Hope Ponzi scheme.

I think that's great. I totally backed that, the fact that they gave him the maximum amount. I was already getting pissed when his lawyer was like, well, he's this age now, so he's probably only going to live another 13 years. So we would like if he just gave him 12 years. Well, why should he get out at all? He's going to live another 13 years. Well, let's give him 14 to make sure he fucking dies in prison. You know, I'll tell you out of all the fucking things that you can do short of like physically assaulting somebody is, you know, if you steal old people's money. Okay, and they work their asses off their whole life. You know, especially some of these rich old people who, you know, worked really hard taking advantage of sweatshop labor and you come in there.

And no, I'm just fucking around. But seriously, you know what I mean? Like, and then they end up having to eat dog food. You took their whole life's work away. Man, I can't imagine that. I mean, God bless those old people for not coming down there and just literally killing the guy. I would actually contemplate that. You know, what kind of jail do you think that they would send to you? Send you to if you were like an 85 year old guy who had worked his whole life.

If you're 85, that means you probably fought in at least one war. So you're a veteran. So you already got it. You like right there, everybody's like, well, fuck that. That guy used to be a Marine, you know, fought for our freedoms. He did the right thing his whole life. And then he got burned by this fucking feathered mullet jackass. And then he shot him in the head.

He actually saved us some fucking some taxpayer money. I don't know what kind of jail would they send you to? They couldn't send you to Leavenworth. It's not like you're fucking fought dogs like Michael Vick, right? So anyways, that guy got 150 years. I think that's that that's great. But I don't understand why those other bankers who loaned all of our hard earned money out to fucking homeless people. You know, who then defaulted on loans.

And then not only did they not go to jail, they asked for more fucking money that they already print and print and then they charged us the interest on it. Is anybody did anybody out there major in economics? Can anybody out there explain to me how how we keep printing money with no gold behind it and ketchup isn't like $72 a bottle? Can anybody out there? Can anybody explain that to me? You know, and if you listen to this podcast, you know, that's a major pet peeve of mine was when somebody comes up to me and they tell me that whatever I'm talking about, they majored in it in college as if that's some sort of fucking. What is the expression? Thorn in your crown.

That's not it. Jewel in your side. I don't know what the fuck it is. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, you, you, I hate people who go to college and major in shit. And then they think that that automatically that makes them a fucking expert on the subject. It's like douchebag. You went there and you read the books that they gave you.

Okay. The fucking school is aligned with a certain like viewpoint and then you read 50 fucking books with the same goddamn viewpoint. All right. They're fucking viewpoint, which is encouraging you to, to, to go out and pay for a fucking education. That's not even worth what they're charging you for you to come out of school and be 80, 100 grand in debt. Somewhere along the line, the banks give you a fucking credit card with like a $3,000 limit, only even though you're only making 300 bucks a week at hot topic or whatever the fuck you're doing. So they get you buried in that debt. And then you're supposed to knock up some broad by 26, 28, have a kid and then go buy a fucking house.

You're done. You're on the wheel till you're 90. You're fucking done. All right. So I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm just, you know what I'm sick of? I just don't like when I make a point and somebody challenges it. That's what it is. Especially with the college education.

But anyways, I don't understand why those guys aren't in fucking jail. So anyways, let's, let's back up more. Michael Jackson. I had no idea how big that guy was. I forgot. I don't know if any of the rest of you will like this, but I literally, I forgot how famous that guy was. I should say more like how talented he was because the last really to be honest with you from about 91, 92, the last 17, 18 years was so not even about his music or his talent. It was all about his plastic surgery, those trials he went through, the plastic surgery, you know, just all the weird stuff.

And then another thing about him was I really felt that he was kind of like a comedian who stopped writing a brilliant comedian. You know, he just kept wearing those penny loafers and he kept doing that, kicking his leg up, you know, he does that little knee thing. And then the little mime stepped to the side and he throws his fucking hand up into the air, sort of the John Travolta. Like I'm going to disco dance, but wait a second, I'm stopping, you know. But anyways, so the guy dies and then they started showing all his videos on MTV if you can fucking believe it. They actually showed videos on MTV and I came in from shooting the movie at like five in the morning and I sat there and I watched his videos for like a fucking hour. I remembered once again how what a giant that guy was. I don't know if you guys are old like me, but for some of you youngsters out there, when that thriller video came out, it was fucking ridiculous.

I just wish that you could just watch all the videos that had taken place before that video. Have you ever seen that journey one, that awful journey video where, I mean, I'm not really into the music of Journey, but those were all top notch fucking musicians. Alright, what's his face there? Their lead singer there, unbelievable voice, even though I just didn't like, and their drama, Steve Smith is like, he's continued to have, he's like one of the greatest drummers in the world right now, considered that. But for some reason, when they made the video, you have all these top notch fucking musicians for some reason, they decided that they should rather than have one of the greatest drummers in the world drum, they that he should air drum. And then all the guitarists should air guitar and then the worst thing ever, they had the keyboardist air keyboard. And then they were all fucking just hunched in together, like sort of just stomping their foot, it was fucking embarrassing then. So anyway, so thriller came out and basically what MTV would do was, they actually had a debut of the video, that's how fucking huge it was.

I remember they used to do debuts, but it was just everybody fucking watched it, and it wasn't just like they debuted it and then it was in the rotation. They like showed it at like whatever, like three o'clock in the afternoon, right as the kids came home from school, and then they were like, we will be showing it again at six. And then you'd go live your little fucking, you know, I'm 12 year old life, and then you'd come back at fucking 558, you'd sit there with your jaw on the floor, you'd watch it again. And then they'd be like, we're going to show it again at nine. And then once again, you know, right before you went, you'd watch it again, and then the next day everybody go to school, dude, I saw it four times, I saw it five times. No way you'd have to stay up to three in the fucking morning, like these stupid arguments. And they did that for like a fucking week. It was unreal.

I actually watched it. That's the first time they actually showed the full length one, and I don't think I've seen the full length version of that since the 80s. And I don't know. It was fucking amazing. And then it's also sad because you're looking at the guy. That's what I was doing. I look at the old videos. I'm like, he was a good looking guy.

The fuck did he do? Or like as you're watching him gradually, you know, have operations, you just right there. We should have stopped right there. Right, right there. Stop freeze. One, two, three, red light. But he just kept fucking going. And I don't know.

One other thing that pissed me off was I was reading in the post. There was a guy writing for the post saying how he actually was at the second child molestation trial and was saying how ridiculous it was and how he couldn't even believe it went to trial that the charges were such bullshit. And I just remember thinking going where the fuck was that story in the post during that time because I was reading the post because I like the sports page. And all they did was just talk about what if, you know, they had him convicted in the paper. So in my mind, he was fucking convicted. I hate when papers do that. Like they go all the way to the left. And then when they realize, you know, that they can't go to the left anymore, then they present the fucking right, you know.

I don't know what the fuck I'm saying there. But all I know is I actually started believing that he was just a really gullible jackass and was kind of wide open to that stuff. But you know, then this is how I'm going to leave it because the guy was acquitted twice. I'm going to believe that he was innocent. But this is the deal. I would believe that the guy was innocent. But if I had a kid, I wouldn't leave him alone with them for like three seconds. How about that?

You know what I mean? That's that's not Mike. I hear you. I totally believe you. Yeah, those charges were fucked up. We're going to go now. And yeah, we're going to slowly back towards the car. And as I listen for the choo choo train as it goes around your house to make sure that I don't get run over by it.

No, I don't want a glass of wine. Thank you. Thank you very much. Farrah Fawcett died. This is a really sad week. Farrah Fawcett, I believe that was my first. No, it wasn't. You know, Kate Jackson was my first fantasy famous girlfriend.

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ITHA ITHA ITHA ITHA Yeah, so Farrah Foster dies. Talk about you know out of all the fucking days to die you die on a day when a guy Dude Michael Jackson is so famous have you guys seen that thing an entire prison yard in the Philippines

Worked nine hours to reenact the thriller dance And they did it and they put it up on YouTube. These are prisoners in the fucking Philippines Now at the risk of pissing off all you white trash ice road truckers out there Fuck Elvis Presley Elvis Presley Was he just wasn't anywhere near that he was He was huge. Ah, there's a bunch of people right now now. Wait a minute. That's the fucking king man. You don't say that shit Elvis Presley was the fucking king you understand that buddy Michael Jackson was the king of pop. Do you understand that? That means his his kingdom is clarified

He's the king of everything. No, he's the king of fucking pop Elvis Presley was a fucking king period Which means Michael Jackson was his fucking subject I Get that and also Elvis Presley didn't have the advantage of the worldwide web You know what I mean where you can have as little talent as the chocolate rain guy and you can go national So I can only imagine if you know Ed Sullivan could have put that fucking, you know, I Don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Whatever. I had to defend Elvis a little bit I you know, I used to make fun of Elvis and then I went to his house

One time when I was on the road and I went in there thinking I was gonna get a bit and Thinking it was gonna be funny and you know what? It was just sad I just saw a guy who was basically the original behind the music guy and Who was like even in death We're all walk as I felt like I was just like I'm just intruding on this guy's house And then you walk out back and then his grave and everybody's taking pictures next to his grave. It just like You know that house should be haunted

Like Elvis should literally be haunting that house and scaring the shit out of those fucking people But God knows they still wouldn't even get it They would still think he you know, he's singing. He's singing from the grave It's a little more vulgar than I remember You know, I Mean I guess he didn't write his own lyrics. Hey, we probably fucking stole them If you believe what some of them people of color are saying about his music All right, what are we doing here? Let's get on with the oh wait a minute

And now we have to go back before that who else fucking died there was some Ed McMahon died Ed McMahon Ed McMahon died and I hated after fucking, you know, Michael, you know Ed McMahon dies then Farrah Fawcett dies and Michael Jackson dies and then there's always that douchebag who has to be like yeah, she Bad things come in threes You know Bad things come in threes. Really? What about David David Carradine?

You know, what about him? He died that makes four stupid some old lady died a heat stroke. I saw that on the news. That's five Wasn't all in the same week. Well, you know what? I got two words for you Billy Mays Ah, Billy Mays, and I fucking died too So there you go That's four famous motherfuckers in one goddamn week You know what somebody told me some somebody wrote me a hilarious fucking email was saying like how the fuck they couldn't believe That they didn't see Billy Mays dying They couldn't see his death coming when he clearly looks like he ate four pounds of bacon every goddamn morning

He really did you ever do I hate when people do that like you always predict some shit after it happens But I gotta admit once Billy Mays died you were kind of like well, he really did have that heart attack face, didn't he? He just had that that bluto beard and he was always screaming And not only that he was around all that cleaner How many takes do you think they did is he was sitting there spraying that oxy wash fucking whatever the hell it was called? That oxy oxy clean Do you guys ever get that shit? Did you did you feel that it made your whites a whole lot whiter? I don't think it did that's why I think Billy Mays died. I think was from all that lying. He just couldn't do it anymore

Screaming about fucking alarm clocks that can scratch your back or whatever the hell he had I Don't know So whatever there you go. What a fucking month, huh? David Carradine God bless him and I really think it's bad that people actually give him shit I have no problem with with the fact that he liked to put on fishnets and hang himself You know, I hope that I'm that much of a freak at 72 fucking years old, you know, I just I just I Got really like I got inspired by the fact that he was doing that that at that age, you know what I mean?

You just picture your 72 you know You just fucking hobbling around Really? I'll tell you that paper boy. He keeps leaving the paper too far away from the door That's what that's what I picture 72 as You know, you're all excited. You got that you can't go up the stairs anymore You got to sit in that electronic fucking thing that brings you all the way up the stairs

You know Remember that shit I was talking about a long time ago where you have that you have the elevated toilet seat Because anybody can use gravity and get their fucking old-ass down on a toilet seat But it still takes the quad strength to get the fuck back up off of it But you can't afford somebody to help you up off the toilet seat. So you have to have an elevated toilet seat So you basically for the rest of your fucking life you take a fucking shit Standing there like a third basement, you know at the ready position That's how you take a shit, you know

hands on your knees Standing there like fucking Brooks Robinson waiting to squeeze one out little metamucil wouldn't hurt either Then he got David Carradine See, I'm telling you guys That that's why stretching is so fucking unbelievable If you want to it that's the biggest thing you can do other than eating well I think to try and still feel young because if you don't stretch Your hamstrings and everything out if you don't stretch it out. You get I guess atrophies

I don't even know what the fuck that means all I know is I noticed you know, I haven't been that good about it and I've been running with my dog and I Was like holy shit. I am rapidly approaching the age where I can't run anymore You know, I mean that happens anyways at some point you not can be able to run But if you stop stretching that is the quickest I Think that is the quickest way and I'm saying that having absolutely no degree in nutrition Physical therapy or anything whatsoever. So you can take that to the fucking bank. All right Let's get into the podcast stuff here that you guys send it

Here's one for you last week. I was talking about grenades. I don't know why I can't remember why But I had somehow asked I presented the question What would happen if I You know, oh, I remember because we were talking about that that guy sent in that email about that psycho Who lived across the street who was in the army and he used to sneak shit home and Try and sell it and the guy was in a bar trying to sell a fucking grenade and Be honest you'd buy it wouldn't you get three Budweiser's in You're going through a breakup

Well, maybe you're just young and you have hope and you just got that one fucking that that industrial area That they're just developing in your town and you're like, all right, this is the deal We'll pull the pin. We'll throw it and then we'll fucking rock your course. You're gonna do that So anyway, so I presented like I was wondering like what what the level of Explosion the concussive force whatever the fuck it is of a grenade Like if I had threw a grenade on the other side of my bed and I dove on the other side of my bed Blocked up my ears and it exploded Okay, and I'm talking about one of those beds those beds where you know, you can't steal it because they got like the fucking the wood frame underneath it

Would I be able to survive? so Somebody from the the Marines told me he said Bill a Hand grenade in your hotel room would definitely fuck your day up with a 15 mil 15 meter kill radius Inside of an an enclosed space your head and asshole would be indistinguishable indistinguishable from one another I hope that answers your question. Yeah, I would say you were pretty specific there So anyways for you who suck at math A meter is a little more than a yard

And I only remember that from that commercial back in the 70s when they were trying to teach us the metric system Which bombed miserably so 15 times 3 would be 45 feet and That is a radius of 45 feet. Jesus Christ. So then I wrote the guy back because I really found that Interesting and I guess because it's enclosed that the ceiling kind of keeps the blast in and the walls and all that I guess if you're outside you have a better chance. I Don't know I'd have to talk more about this But this immediately has opened up a new podcast thing for anyone who's in the military I want to learn about these fucking weapons and

What they can do to you and I'm gonna tell you right now anybody with a fucking gun There's nothing they like better than telling you what the fucking gun would do to you. Have you ever noticed that? Anytime somebody gets a gun, what do they say? I you know, I just got it to go hunting Right, and then you'd be like well, what what's you know? What's what's that gun like and the guys do from here if I shot you right from here? And I shot your whole fucking shoulder would come off your spinal cord would be dangling. They always do that shit. So You know, what's the point? I have in a weapon if you don't know what it would do to a human being That's what I say, huh?

Anybody else anybody else a Braveheart fan? All right, you know actually sat down the other day watching the whole history of the machine gun It was really fascinating like this guy actually developed the machine gun because he thought it was gonna save lives When he was in the Civil War he was Gatlin was the guy like the Gatlin gun. He was sitting there talking about how he just saw the unbelievable level of carnage in The Civil War and you got to remember that's American shooting Americans. So even if you're winning, you know, it's it's just a brutal thing and He was saying that if you got a machine gun if it could do the work of 15 fucking people or 20 people Then that would be 19 less people who would be out in the battlefield who could possibly lose their lives

Of course He didn't do the math of well if they get one too then you need to have another guy with a machine gun And then it just keeps fucking escalating, but I did find it interesting Or maybe that was just the bullshit that he said because he felt bad that he was making money off of creating a weapon That could just literally mow down people Anyway, so here's the second part of the the grenade thing. I figure what I what did I ask him? Oh I remember then this whole I emailed that guy back and I said, okay, so what if I had a suite a

Hotel suite and I threw it out into the living room area I closed the door in the bedroom and I dove behind the bed So then he Proceeded to take a lot of time out of his day, which I appreciate here wrote me a nice long email So this ladies and gentlemen is the answer to what if you had the suite and you little you fucking pulled the pin on her grenade Closed your bedroom door and dove behind the bed. See I asked the questions that America wants to know All right, here we go. This guy said I did five years in the Marines He said I got on the post 9-11 redneck bandwagon

But by the time I got to Iraq in 2006 we stopped using hand grenades indoors Normally normally we would just lob a few of those fuckers in a room and not have to worry about the assholes on the other side He goes, I know that's cold-blooded, but hey, he can have his 73 virgins of an unspecified gender You know what that's a funny ass fucking loophole They really just say you get 73 virgins. They don't say that they are women. Do they that's fuck. That's a great analogy anyways He said and we replaced them with flash grenades Basically, we didn't want to kill innocent people and wind up on the cover of Time magazine as the winner of asshole of the year

Then we after we throw in the flash flash Well, I just literally lost my place there the flash grenades then we would charge into the room shooting like I was in the goddamn matrix But anyways, I have seen hand grenades go off and there are two way There are two ways a standard fragmentation grenade can kill you one the black blast itself which generally projects in a 15-foot radius is Anybody out there can anybody explain to me the the blast itself how that kills you Because if you're not getting hit by shrapnel just the blast is that basically like the most psychotic

Invisible front kick is that what an explosion is and in that that the air the force of the blast Just hits you so hard. It's like getting hit by it like an invisible truck. Is that what it is? To be honest with you I've always kind of thought about that But I never really sat down and tried to figure it out and that's basically what I was able to To come up with having not researched anyways But anyways the guy says the concussion from the blast turns your insides into jello if you're within a five meter bubble So is that what happens?

You know what I mean, so literally It's like getting hit by this invisible fucking what it what did Bruce Lee have the one inch punch It's like getting hit by a fire like that times fucking 200. I Don't know why don't I read the rest of this? Maybe we'll find out the second way you can die a horrific death is From a frag grenade is the fragmentation from the shell of the grenade and the fragmentation of all the other shit Like wood and pieces of other people that the blast turns into shrapnel Wow Jesus Christ, you know what I mean as much as you watch the beginning of saving private Ryan like you still really can't

Ever capture how fucking horrific that must be The amount of damage a frag will do to you in the next room depends on the wall in your suite What it's made out of if the walls are made out of concrete with rebar and shit inside You're more than likely just shit your pants That's amazing. So if there isn't like rebar in there, which I'm imagining is those little steel things It could still fucking kill you If the wall is thin and some of the fragmentation make may go through the wall and hit you But you'll be safe from the blast itself and probably will probably live

I'll just be screaming on the floor like that guy in platoon is Barnes crawls over and digs the shit out with a knife Good Lord. God bless you guys, man. I really do not have a difficult life here All right more most doors on hotel rooms are pretty solid So I think they could take a direct hit and not damage anything on the other side Also, it depends on the type of grenade American hand grenades are the largest and the deadliest USA USA. That's right fucking America, baby The Russian grenades are a little bit smaller. I like this

I like the whole the whole phallic thing going on here with less fragmentation But I would I still wouldn't want to be in the same fucking zip code when one goes off and then the second question I asked him was Hearing loss is a big thing for me because I played drums without earplugs for a while And I also went and saw acd seen a bunch of other heavy metal bands and every other time I wore Earplugs and I have tinnitus in my right ear, which is a You know sometimes it can be a buzzing sound or it can be just a ringing sound and it never goes away And it's driven people to suicide if it's loud enough

Mine fortunately isn't it's just like Like right now I can barely hear it like if I actually just stop talking if I stopped like late at night I can hear it when there's nothing going on if there's no background noise. I just sort of hear like this really low just sort of In my ear I know a lot of you just was like holy shit that must be crazy But you actually that's my phone by the way if you want to know what the other sound is that's not the sound in my ear That's it letting me know that I have some fucking new Texas

But anyways, yeah, I was always wondering like how these guys are in war and they're shooting these fucking machine guns and all this Type of stuff like how do you not lose your hearing and he said to answer your second question? He said I have a condition called tinnitus Which I basically explained but I'll have him explain it too He said which is a permanent permanent ringing in my ears and my left ear is pretty fucked up as well Some dude opened up with a machine gun right next to my head and I didn't have an ear plug in my left ear So I guess you guys wear earplugs over there But I would think sometimes if you get ambushed you don't have a minute and then you just got a fucking open up

Anyways, I don't really notice the ringing unless it's really fucking quiet and since I live in the middle of a dense urban area It's never really fucking quiet. So it's not an issue in combat We wear earplugs that work pretty well shooting inside small rooms. It's still pretty fucking loud though The loudest thing over there are aircraft and anything that explodes. I'm talking about the loudest fucking thing You would ever hear in your life Also, we normally communicate non-verbally through hand signals and just knowing where you should be in a certain situation Oh, he's addressing the fact that you know, you always watch those cop movies and they sort of whisper after they shot a couple of rounds You know, and I've shot a gun without fucking earplugs

That's another dumb thing I did when by hearing and I couldn't hear anything So there's no fucking way I could then whisper to somebody next to me going Hey, you go around back and I'll try to keep him busy here because the guy be going like hey, I can't fucking hear you So anyways, he said they use hand signals Anyways besides shouting within earshot of the enemy is retarded since they counterattack and the element of surprise is lost This email is probably Longer than that ladies. Oh that ladies who made funny a suit on Conan. No dude I totally appreciate that man. If there's anybody else out there that like really

That's like some time life books Kind of stopped, you know when they talk about what it's really like So if anybody else if I have anybody who's overseas God knows you get the internet over there if you're over there in Iraq, or if you're over there in Afghanistan and I'm trying to think of a question or for any of the listeners have any questions of stuff over there I got one for you, you know You sit there and you train and you go through bootcamp and you do all that stuff, you know and You get yourself ready for battle

And then you're going over there, you know, I know my biggest fear would have been like what am I gonna be that Guy who freezes up and is crying in the fetal position Spooning his weapon in a foxhole is someone screaming at me private bar for Christ's sake get your shit together You best don't fuck yourself pile. I mean what happens is does it just naturally? Click in because I would think even in my first battle even if I didn't push the out I Would still be a spaz Fucking empty an entire clip. I remember talking to cops about this shit We had this cop on my radio show uninformed and by the way, I have a new episode coming out

We taped one yesterday that'll be out on July 3rd. You can listen to that on XM 202 and Anyways, this cop was saying how a lot he worked with guys the first time they pulled their weapon This is this is an old-school guy, so they still had like the six shooter and was saying They pulled that gun out of that hoster and by the time they brought it up level with the suspect They were literally out of bullets Because they would be pulling it out But I'm like shooting literally into the ground in front of them. They've had guys shoot themselves in the foot

just I Just can't imagine the fucking adrenaline that is going through your your body when something like that is happening So, you know if it's not too painful, obviously, I'm not trying to have a big therapy session here This is supposed to be a comedy fucking so if you got some funny stories or anything like that Listen to me if you got any funny stories about war and engaging the enemy I don't know anything that you would think would be fucking interesting Because I don't think I can I can answer any more questions about comedy. I've pretty much answered them all but um, I Don't know I'm kind of speaking for the group here, but I find that stuff really

Interesting because my only frame of reference is when I watch movies and you see these guys, you know They throw You never see that in the movie like there's a grenade lands near the guys So then somebody dives on top of it to save his buddy's life now from I always thought that you could do that But having just read that last one evidently if I did that then just you know all the 200 whatever bones in my body Would just turn into shrapnel and you know, I don't know if people would die around me But they would definitely be rolling around the ground trying to get my femur out of the side of their fucking neck So we all learn something

All right Let's get on with the the podcast questions and you know It's just not the question is obviously posed to all veterans cops anybody rednecks If you god knows you probably threw a grenade at a duck and its bill came back and hit you in your foot Now you got a limp any any of those fucking stories. I would I would love to hear all right podcast questions of the week This is a really interesting one This guy says bill I come from a family where more than half of the women Have gotten pregnant in their teens and almost all the men have ended up in jail in jail at various points in their lives

So I've seen firsthand how having a kid when you're not ready and going to prison at an early age can really fuck up your life And because I'm trying not to because I'm trying to end the tradition of poverty and dysfunction in my family I am very hesitant towards trying to hook up with random women and can be considered a bit of a nerd also Due to the fact that I don't have like two or three baby mothers and I'm never bringing girls around the family You guessed it. I've now been accused of being gay. I guess by his his family members Wow, okay thought I came from a dysfunctional family Um All right, I hope you see my dilemma here if I go out of my way to prove I'm not gay then I'm acting acting like the classic homophobe

I'm not cool with that. I'm also giving them power by trying to conform to their Perception of what a quote-unquote real man is but if I ignore it they continue to talk shit It would be different if If it were a collection of douchebag jock saying things like this, but it's not this is my fucking family The people who are supposed to love me unconditionally and yes as sad as it may seem my family members are that stupid and ignorant They think being gay is something that warrants being made fun of although I can I can really see the humor in this It really does hurt a little doing the right thing by staying in school and trying to make something out of my life While staying out of trouble has gotten me where I'm accused of being gay

I'm so disgusted with my family that I'm seriously considering cutting each member out of my family life even my own mother parentheses my my father's dead your thoughts I Think you're doing an amazing thing To be honest with you I think one of the hardest things to do is to grow up in a fucked up environment and to be in the environment and Be surrounded by it totally immersed in it Yet still have the ability to pull yourself out of it and analyze it and look at how other people are living and If they're living in a smarter way

Or a way that appeals to you more to actually try to go and try to go in that direction Without doing what most normal people what most people do in that situation is they just look at other people if they're living a smarter life They just dismiss them as fags. You know Well, I want to go to college like these are a bunch of figs, you know Yeah, that's that's a lesson I learned late in life that you really have to watch out who you're Who you surround yourself with because you basically end up for the most part you end up doing What they do you just get sucked into their vortex. So I don't know if that's the right word whatever the fuck it is you get sucked into that their little

their world and So if you're hanging out with people who are doing dumb shit Fucking up their lives the chances of you fucking up your life is gonna be huge and dude You don't want two or three went babies with with two or three different women. You know that Everybody knows that and even those fucking retards who are doing it. They know that and you know what it really is I really think this is a classic example of misery loves company and they When they're laying in bed at night, they know that they fuck their lives up and you know what when people fuck their lives up You know what you do you lay in bed and you think about the first day that day when you fucked your life up

and you wish you could just go back to it and Make a left instead of making a right. That's what the fuck they're doing and the harsh reality is you can't go back in time and Which leaves you with one of two things you can even either man up and admit that you're the reason You're responsible for you know for the fact that your life is fucked up and you try to make the best of it and try to actually help other people Not make the same mistakes you have that's the most noble thing that you can do or You can take the easy way out like most people and is try to fucking do that misery loves company and drag everybody down with you That's all they're trying to do. They're trying to drag you down to the bottom of the swimming pool So you can drown in that fucking misery too, so

You're doing the right thing and If you have to I don't know if you got to like totally cut them out because it is your family That is your mom and at some point, you know You know, they're not gonna be around forever. So it's never good to not go for long periods without Communicating with your family, but you just kind of got to give yourself a halftime speech or a pregame speech before you talk to them to make sure that you know you basically stay on point and

Yeah, dude that those are my thoughts you're totally doing the right thing and I think I think you're a really strong person that you were able to see how fucked up your family was That's a hard thing to do you know And try and correct it, you know, so it'll be great So then you'll end up with the right woman you end up having great kids and then you'll you'll break the You'll break that circle

But the problem that's then you'll then run into is then when you have kids is then they're gonna want They're fucked up kids to hang out with your Enlightened kids and that'll be the hard thing because they are your cousins in Whatever, I don't know it's a fucking mess, but dude you're on the right track so what do I think you should keep doing what you're doing and Try to find some middle-grand where you keep them at an arms length, but you don't totally sever Ties and when they and when they give you shit, you know about being gay just give them shit right back. Oh really

Really really I'm gay what because I don't have some fucking Psycho coming in here trying to burn down my fucking clothes because I knocked up another fucking broad Now don't do that. Don't go for that's what I would do. I'd go for the jugular like dude your life sucks Okay, what's it like earning $400 a week and giving it in dividing up? 380 of it and fucking giving it to three different women and Then it going down to the fucking hot dog truck and buying your dinner you dumb fuck You know put a shirt on and get your shit together. I don't know. I would just say mean shit Don't listen to me that for the first part of my advice was good, but yeah try to find I

Don't know you know what talk to somebody else for the second half All right, I'm not Deepak Chopra, but I got I think the first half of the advice. I gave you was good All right, so that's it. You're doing the right thing. There you go something positive. All right next question. Hey Bill Since you're pretty big sports fan. I was wondering what were your opinion? What was your opinion of soccer? I'm not much of a fan. I basically only watched some of the World Cup But today at the restaurant, I was watching Brazil versus USA game and a few of my Brazilian co-workers Were watching the game and for the first half for the first half

I had a blast watching the game because basically I got to play out the stereotypical over-the-top clues American They were just dying inside when the US scored the first two goals and I got to fuck with them I was yelling shit like throw the flag I'll tell you what Brazil needs to do They should call it timeout and regroup and then my co-workers were taking me serious Furiously telling me that there are no timeouts in soccer. Oh, that's great Dude, they should call a fucking timeout I'll tell you there's nothing more fun than playing up the ignorant American

You know, that's the greatest thing you can do when when you go to Europe and they start giving you shit That you don't know anything about their country and brace it and just be like, yeah Dude, I gotta be honest. Nobody talks about your country in my country. We don't even know who the fuck you guys are What do I can't believe you're not all walking around with wooden shoes over here? You guys have cars You know just fucking play it up. All right. Anyways, he said and my co-workers were taking me seriously furiously telling me that Timeouts and he said once the US scored the second goal. I yelled. What are the odds? I'd say about a Brazilian to one Dude, I actually wish I was there to see that you really sound obnoxious that must have been great So any goes he goes but then in the long run, they ended up giving me shit because as I was watching the game

I Was thinking why why not have Brazil take a oh, this is this is a big conspiracy theory He goes but as I was watching the game. I thought of something that I'm amazed that the F F. I F a Didn't arrange this to make it happen. I was thinking why not have Brazil take a dive against the US But you know make it look good And then the next year when the world cup came around the interest in the US would be through the roof You know let the US beat Brazil and then you you spit out a bunch of t-shirts You split them 50-50 with the Brazilian, you know the whole we kick Brazilians ass

Brazil's ass in in 15 years when everyone has forgot about the game. That's when you make the movie What do you think about the idea Bill? Well, I think if I read it a little bit better would have made more sense You think it would have worked? Yeah, I think if we beat Brazil and US the US team started building up You know something actually I don't think it would have worked because those people down there take soccer way too seriously Brazil takes it really seriously, but they're not like like Columbia or was it Columbia like was it the Venezuelan team? Somebody accidentally put the ball in their own net and the guy went home and he got fucking machine gunned Like the fucking st. Valentine's Day massacre

You know So no, I don't think it would work. I think it would work in America Because we don't give a fuck about soccer All right, I think that's the end of the questions that I have anything else here. I'm a little disorganized All right, how about this how about a movie review and then I'm gonna end this podcast cuz oh man I have to end it now. This is too fucking long. I'll read one really quickly The Punisher movie review based on the Marvel comic character Thomas Jane who is in the midst the dream catcher in the thin red line stars is Frank Castle

Who is a former green beret that becomes an FBI agent? Castle has one last bus to make that involves stolen weapons and during the bus the son of a mob boss Howard st. Played by John Travolta is killed St. Once vengeance on who got his son killed and finds out that castle is one the one who caused st. Son's death not to spoil anything, but shit happens and castle gets in his Camaro To fuck shit some shit up. I give it two out of four stars

It's a movie that tries to be a realistic which is great compared to the over-the-top cliche Action sequences in the sequel It's definitely worth a rent or a purchase seeing as how it's five dollars on DVD and ten dollars on Blu-ray at Best Buy or Walmart and there are two versions the three Theatrical and the extended edition so this guy gives it two out of four stars basically saying the Punisher is a good rental All right, and that's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it There's gonna be one more podcast out here in New York City, and then I will finally be back out in Los Angles For oh, maybe actually I'll be in San Francisco

Yeah, cuz July 13th is a Monday, and I will be doing two shows at the punchline in San Francisco and I've yet to put those up on my site, so I have to do that and The next big date I have is I'm gonna be doing the comedy works in In Denver, Colorado I believe the dates of the 23rd the 24th and the 25th So please come out and check that out and if you're a fan of my radio show with the uninformed show with Joe de Rosa We have a new episode coming out This Saturday July 4th, I think I said the third early earlier, but July 4th

Listen to it from 9 to midnight on XM 202 I will be sending out an email blast just to give you guys a heads up when I get the exact time All right, so that's it for the podcast you guys all have a great week, and don't take any shit Oh And Hey Oh We can be

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