Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-23

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

Bill rambles about his orange sleeping bag, jazz drummers, and 80's muscle style.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Monday. What the fuck do I usually say? I fucked up the cadence there. What's going on with Bill Burr? It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. That's it. Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday morning podcast and I am in a fucking hotel room. Echo, echo, with the loudest fucking air conditioner I've ever heard of my life and I'm not shutting it off. What are they got set to? 72, that's nice. I can live with that.

I love when you go into these fucking hotel rooms and they got it like set at 68, just cranking. There's nobody in there. You think these corporate cuts, right? How they try to squeeze every fucking dollar out of you? And nobody ever figures out that it's the corporate cuts. They never do, they blame everything, but the corporate cuts.

You know? I saw this clip the other day, like they only do is they do if they got a name that's what the fuck they hang on i saw this thing with this actor was talking about like the difference between making movies now and make a movie is like twenty years ago where you had like the dvd's and all of that shit and so

if you look at a make a movie for this amount of money you know, it's not like the old days where you could also depend on the DVD sales and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that. And everybody's like, easy solution. Pay the actors less. I love how dumb people. They just life is so easy for dumb people. Why don't you just fucking do this? And they throw their hands up like, how fucking hard was that?

Like, I figured it all out. I figured it all out. I'll tell you what I figured out. Is that fucking air conditioner is gonna be too goddamn loud for this, for the podcast off. Oh, I, you know something? I like a fucking air conditioner that shuts right off.

Usually they go, you know, you shut them off and they're like, it's like sending your kid to bed. Go to bed, you know, it's like a 20 minute process. Yeah, 72 degrees, I like that. Usually you walk in, they have it at 68, 66, south of the Mason Dixon line, where a government ain't telling me how fucking chilly I can be, right?

Why would you bring up this civil war bill? Why would you do that? All right. I would say, though, like, you know what shape people are in, by what they have the air conditioner set at at the hotel. You know, 72 degrees. I'm in Lincoln, California. Lincoln, Lincoln, California.

Home of this fucking casino on performance, is just north of Sacramento, AKA Sacktown, AKA Hellas Something or Rother, whatever the fuck they say up here. It's at 72 degrees, so I'm expecting people to be in decent shape. Right, if you go to a hotel room and the air conditioner is set,

it's 68, 66. I mean, 66, that's for special places, like Houston. You know, where people are so fat and it gets so fucking hot that like, you know, people just die. Like right now, there's just people dying in the streets. Houston, Texas is 105 fucking degrees out. I got a buddy, Versus down there working, right? Who by the way, is just getting standing ovation

all around the fucking country, everywhere he performs at. That fucking guy is on a whole other level. And I knew he was gonna go to a whole other level, like I knew he was going to go to a whole other level like a couple years before the big pandemic there. I saw him at Gotham when he had to stretch and you know, he'd been opening for me, but I only get to seem to do 10, 15. I saw him do a half hour and I was like, all right, this is over. This guy is going to fucking, and that's going to be rocket fuel right there. So anyway, that's 105 degrees in fucking Texas.

Down there in Houston, man. Jesus Christ. You know, California gets like that where I live in Los Angeles for like fucking, every year it's like a little bit longer. You speak like two, three days. Now it's like 10 days, 10 days, and it's fucking nuts. Like nobody's dealing, you know,

it was like, yeah, it's fucking global warming shit. It's getting a little scary, right? No solutions. We will figure it out. That's what you say when you have kids. They're gonna figure it out. They're gonna figure something out. I don't know if they're gonna figure it out.

I don't know. I have no idea. But all I know now is the move that people do. Now there's like, so everybody like fries for like two weeks out in LA and you're like, oh my God, you know, like, is this the end of the world? You know, it's like that level hot, just non-fucking.

Like you wake up at like, fucking seven in the morning, if you get kids. Or if you have a real job, right? You get up that early and it's already like too hot to go outside, you like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. So now the new move for the limousine liberals out there is they just leave, you know, like how when I lived in Manhattan,

the super rich, it was amazing. Like the summertime it would get so fucking hot. Oh, down on the subway platforms. Like I still remember there was this time I was doing this gig, either up in the Bronx or out in Brooklyn or whatever, and I had to go, I had to take the B of the D and it was underneath the A and C line. So I had to go two levels down in the subway

in like on like July 31st. And it was one of the safest places in New York because it was too hot to do anything other than just fucking stand there. Like if you were like a crazy homeless person, if you started having like a manic episode, like you literally would have just fucking died swinging your arms around.

Everyone, like, you ever go, you ever have an apartment that's actually an attic the top of a house and there's no air conditioning? I lived in one of those one time. And I remember in the morning, the fucking house flies would be the size of your eyeballs and they would be, all over and you couldn't fucking kill him.

You'd have like a dish rag, you know, because you didn't have a fly swatter because that was extra fucking money and you live in the top of a fucking house. You know, one of those murderous, she wrote houses that just the heat just sits up there. My friends used to call the apartment the triangle and it was two levels to it.

When you first walked in, you had to walk right down the center or else your head would hit either side on the ceiling and then it opened up to a bigger, you know. I don't know, I don't know what the fuck it was, like whatever, like eight foot triangle. As opposed to the other one was like like a five-foot or six-foot fucking triangle. Anyway, in the morning, the flies would be fucking, you couldn't get them. And then me and my brother would go to work,

and we would just shut the door and all the fucking windows, and these things would just bake in there all day long. And by the time you got home eight hours later, nine hours later with the lunch hour, the fucking flies, you could literally pick them out of the air, just walk up to them and just, just flick them across the fucking room. I have to tell you this story. So we didn't have any air conditioning.

So my move was in the six foot part of the triangle because it was an attic. You know, an attic's in those old houses like the window was at floor level. So I used to sleep in a sleeping bag. I had no furniture. Oh my God, I owned nothing. I had an old pickup truck.

A Ford fucking ranger. My life was so simple. And I just had my jeans and a pile, my shirts and a pile, and my socks and underwear. It's not even any containers, just sitting there, and then I had this orange sleeping bag. And I used to sleep in that thing, right next to the fucking window, and it was so frustrating.

I didn't understand cross ventilation, I didn't understand air pressure. What we should have done was on both ends open the, maybe you couldn't on the front, to get the fucking cooler air from the outside to push that hot air out, right? Or a window fan, something to get it circulating. We would just fucking be sitting in there.

I remember I would go to sleep and I would just, I laid on top of the fucking sleeping bag because it was so fucking hot and I would just be like pressed up against the fucking screen. And everyone's in a while, there'd be a breeze, and I'd be like, oh, and then I fucking pass out, and somewhere around three in the morning, you'd wake up like shivering, because the fucking cold there finally came in, and then I would just

get in the sleeping bag, and then that was it. And so one night I'm sleeping on top of the fucking sleeping bag and I finally go to sleep and I'm just in there and my fucking tidy whiteies because it was the 80s. This is before boxers came in. So I'm laying there my whole body, the color of my tidy whiteies. The only pigment is the one red line that went around the band of my tidy whiteies. The only pigment is the one red line that went around the band of my tidy whiteies. So I fall asleep and when I was asleep, I always said, I don't know

what's having this fucked up dream about swimming or something. I woke up and it was like this fucking monsoon going on. And you know when it's raining so hard with the wind, it's blowing sideways, I was absolutely fucking drenched and I was shivering. I had to fucking get up. I went in the bathroom. I just had this old awful fucking scratchy towel dried myself off in the next morning. Yeah, because I couldn't sleep in the sleeping bag

because of soak and wet. I kind of slept over by my fucking clothes. Just grabbed like a pile of shirts for fucking pills. Because my pillow was all soaked. And the next morning, I woke up and it was already 90 degrees out and I had a fucking cold. It was the fucking worst. And I came to where like, it's good.

It's leaving the window right now. I've had to unload trucks. Ah, you know it's funny about a summer cold, though. I got over it really quickly. It we're in the right now. I've had to unload trucks. You know what's funny about a summer cold, though? I got over it really quickly. It wasn't like the winter ones that just hang around for like the whole week. It was kind of over, it was like a 48 hour cold or whatever. But anyway, why am I talking about this shit?

Oh, because I was near somebody that fucking got COVID. So, I feel fine. I'm testing negative, but I got on the plane. I wore a mask and everything. I'm misfiring the mask. I like the mask. Masked with the fucking hat on. Nobody talking to you.

Very anti-social. Slash your little, you feel a little mysterious, like, ooh, who is that? Does he know something that I don't? Anyway, so that's my life, so now I'm in this fucking hotel room with the next couple of days, and I'm gonna do some shows up here in Sacramento.

I'm very excited about this. I got the new hour, is cranking, and I also about this. I got the new hour is cranking. And I also went out and I got some new symbols for my drum kit. I've always played like zilgen A's or like say whatever Sabians version of that is. I always played brighter symbols. And I've just been here in more dark sounds in my head, not like depressive. The stuff I've been listening to, I don't know what.

So, I'm gonna, anyways, I bought, it was funny, I thought I bought a ride and I bought a, I didn't buy, the guy fucking hooked me up, what am I talking about, I got hooked up through Dave Elich. And I ended up getting two rides, I didn't get a crash, but they're both so like, you can crash on them, so they're not bad. But I might go back and get another one. There are anyway new high hats, the whole thing. But I got the clear heads, so my toms are really deep

and they're kind of not matching with the symbols I got. So when I get back, I'm going to go over to Pro Drum on Vine, the best drum shop out there, if not in the country. And I'm going to get some coated heads, put them on there, crank them up. And I don't know, I'm just fucking, I like doing that bebop-stow drum and I don't know what the fuck it is. I've always approached it and getting close,

get a little more independence, and then I just get distracted with other shit. And now it's like, I'm gonna fucking do that. In fact, I actually brought the book out on the road with me. My favorite drum books of all time. I see if I can just say, I'm zipping the bag. My wife bought me a new fucking bag.

A new backpack for years. She's been telling me, I think you need a new backpack. And I'm like, why? This one's fine. And it was an Adidas one. And the A fell off. And it said, I does, whatever the fuck. And it just got all the way down. All I had left was the D.

And she just got sick of looking at it. So for my birthday, she bought me a new backpack, you know, acting like she was doing something for me, but she was really doing it for herself because she was sick of looking at it. Oh, the art of Bob Drumming by John Riley, not John C. Riley, who's an amazing musician himself and actor and anything else he seems that he puts his mind to. It's John Riley. And forever I've been on a comp example for and you know it says compact disc 12 and compact disc 13. And I finally got to the point where I can play these things

and kind of hear them in my head. And now there's like on these other pages, there's sort of like these two bar phrases and some soloing ideas, you know, swing in 16th and triplets and shit. And I don't know what it is about jazz drumming. For some reason, like I actually think about what I'm playing and ideas go into my head.

And because like I just feel like playing rock drums is like your whole body, constantly, you're playing a groove, and it's, you know, snare kick hat, snare kick ride, whatever the fuck you're doing. It's kind of, you know, you have left foot's like tapping on the high head. I just kind of feel like your body's already preoccupied.

And, but with jazz, you know, with the jazz, it's quite armistice and what to do, right? It's just on the symbol. So you just kind of have that, and then you can kind of comment with the drums between the hands and the feet, and you start hearing shit. And what I like too is when you play along

with the jazz record, it's not like, you know, when I play along with like Joey K Joey Kramer, John Bonham or stuff where I'm really listening. What are they playing? And then I just try to just do what they do. Like, because there's so much improv going on with jazz drumming that like, there's no real way to just do a cover, like he wouldn't just fucking play

exactly what they, but it would take you forever. Because, you know, they're just doing whatever, egging the horn, play, orano, whatever, and it's just like, all right. And for the first time ever, it's kind of open my brain up to actually kind of listen to what the hell I'm playing. So, that's what I'm going to be doing this summer. I have no other things to do other than just do my stand-up,

hang out with my kids and try out these new symbols. So I'm excited about that. But I also, you know, I'm rehabbing my shoulder and doing what not. My son was so freaking cute when I went to leave. He does this thing. He goes, Dad, how are you going? Brakes my heart every time.

And then he goes to take my hand and try to pull me back into the house or he tries to take my hat off because you know, it's when I put my hat on, it means I'm going outside because I'm a little bald there. I don't wanna get the old age spots on the head there, right? So, yeah, it was funny.

He actually, before I left, gave me, the hug you always want as a parent, because usually they come up and they give you a hug and the second they hug you and you're sinking into, oh my God, this is the greatest thing ever. I love this kid so much. This second, I mean, literally,

point three seconds into the hug. They turn around, they point to something else they want to do. They just won't hang in there for the hug, but he knew that I was leaving. So he was hugging me and wasn't letting me go. So, but I was leaving. So it was sad. Kind of sucked, but I did get the hug out of it. My daughter's hilarious though now. I'm like, yeah, I got to go do a couple road gates. She's like, all right, see you. Don't let the door hit you in the backside. I'll see you later. So anyway, oh, Billy fucking, oh, Billy Botox is gonna try to go down to the gym, hit the elliptical, do a little less,

a little fucking that. I'm over the next couple days at this casino. I am out, I am out here in this, that's not really the sticks. I just don't have a fucking car. So we'll see, uh, we'll see what's gonna happen though. But I'm working with Dean Del Rey

and the mighty Joe Bartonick, who by the way, I gotta tell you guys something. He has a fucking stand-up special. We'll start all things comedy. He did it last year, Ben Tishler directed it. And I knew at the night when I saw him do it, I'm like, this special is actually special. And he fucking killed so hard in the first one that he came out on the second one and killed even harder.

And that's the one that they used. And we're starting to release some clips towards the end of the summer. The whole special's coming out. I'm going to have Joe on my podcast. You got to go see this guy fucking live. I was joking with him. I was thinking about how to sell his standup special. And I joked with him today at the airport.

I was like, if you watch the NHL for the fights, you're gonna like this standup special. So, gloves off Joe Bartonick, because he's always done, well, just the first time I ever saw Joe do stand up, Molly from the punchline in San Francisco. Joe was living in San Francisco and I was in the green room and she goes, you know, she'd always pick comedians. She would have this knack up putting the right people to open with the right comics coming into town where, you know,

the opening act complimented the Headliners Act, but nobody was stepping on anybody's toes. So she knocked on the door, she goes, you know, this guy Joe, I want you to see him. Come here, just just want some of Zach to tell me what you think. And within two jokes, I was like, oh my god, I love this guy. And he was completely unapologetic and just absolutely destroyed. So all these years later to do a special with him, I'm so fucking excited about this thing. We have one of the clips up right now on all things comedy. Him talking about that bar rescue guy. It's, yeah, it's, and the special and the way Joe looks is like, is this from

a long time ago? Did this just come, it's like all at the same time. It's like right now in a throwback all in the best way. So definitely check that out. And then we got another special out, was, we're releasing clips for it was Nate Craig, another completely different style but absolutely Nate is an absolutely brilliant comedian and I always get all kinds of messages whenever he works on one of my shows. It's always like, hey good job. Who the hell was that first guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so having him coming out. So we're going to be promoting that over the summertime. So if you guys can check them out,

look for the clips and then eventually we'll put it out the whole special, because that's the way the kids like to consume it now. They like the clips. So we ain't gonna fight it. That's how we're gonna do it there. Oh my God, I saw another car that I swore to God. I would buy in a fucking second, God I would buy in a fucking second.

That I would buy in a fucking second. I posted it on my Instagram. I think it's still up on my stories. You got to check it out if you came up in the 80s. It's a 1986 Oldsmobile Cutlass 442 with the fucking teetops and those factory mag wheels that it had and the cloth interior. I cannot even fucking tell you how much I love that car when I was a kid. What I really loved was the guy that drove it. The guy that drove it was everything that I wanted to be.

You know, he had a mullet, he could get a tan, he wore tank tops, he was fucking yoked, he probably dealed weed, and then he had some smoking peroxide blonde in the passenger seat, you know, just getting blown, driving down to the cape. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And I would tell you right now, if you missed it, you missed it. And as far as I know, we all wanted to be that guy. There was, there was basically, there was two camps. This is some white guy shit.

This is some inside white guy shit here. All right, there was two camps. There was the fucking you either wanted a Camaro Z28 or the fucking Trans-Am. Now personally speaking, I thought the Trans-Am was better. I thought the Z28, everybody had that car, but a select few had the Trans-Am. And even though it was the same body, same GM, I thought the Pontiac was better. So there was that camp as far as sports cars went. And then on the other side, if you were a little more like you like to cruise around town, you know what I mean? I don't know, like you weren't necessarily racing,

but you wanted like a badass car, but you also, you know, wanted to take some check out to the ground round, you know, so for some fine dining with wood shavings on the ground, you either had the Olesmobile cutlass. And if you had the 442, you were a fucking legend. Which I always forget what that meant. It was like a four barrel, something else, dual exhaust.

Was it four speed, four barrel, four speed, dual exhaust, something like that, I don't remember. And in case there was the Olesm be a cut list the Buick regal Or the Monte Carlo and Monte Carlo Chevy just dominated Chevy fucking dominated say everybody wanted a modility. He's got a money You know, and this is before the the Monte Carlo SS came out they brought that back. I want to say in like 85 but like You know They brought that back. I want to say in like 85, but like, you know, if you were like an 82 or an 83 or an 81 monocarlo, you know, they had them black with like the red seats and they started putting teetops in them. And the Buick regal, they always kept that one, you know, that was always a little more

refined. That was actually for an actual adult as opposed to somebody, you know, I mean, dude, that was just totally the golds gym, you know, maybe you did a cycle or maybe you are that natural. I don't know, you know, you had the fucking tank top with like, it just, it was open all the all the way down to like your fucking waste. The big puffy pants. It was fucked. I just, you know, when you had the fucking macho man, Randy Savage fucking, I'm painting

a picture here, people. Macho man, Randy Savage glasses. He had the mullet down the back with the flat top on top. I mean, like, you would just crush it on, like, an insane fucking level. Always had a 12-pack or a fucking joint behind your rear. And, you know, just driving down the fucking street, listening to the outfield. You know, tears for fears because your girlfriend wanted to listen to it.

It was just incredible, right? So anyways, here it is 40 years later, almost. And I, I, I, somebody posted this fucking O's mobile 442, it immediately sold. And the thing about like two of the cars that I love the most in the 80s is later generations loved them too. And like I love the Chevy Caprice Classic, Ford or sedan, but Latino community loves that car.

And a lot of them, the ones that are survived, they turned into low riders. So it's kind of hard to find like a stock one. They look sick as a low rider. Like I, I, I'm a huge fan of like the, the fucking, you know, those lace tops, like the painting of the cars with low riders is just like on a whole other fucking level. But I like the stock looking one. And then the cars I was talking about, the Olsumbeels, the Buick Regals, the fucking Monocarlos,

those are the ones like the Black dudes down in Atlanta with they put the giant fucking tires on them or whatever, so it's kind of hard to find like a stock one because everybody likes doing that to those, both of those cars. But this was a stock, Olsenbeer 442. I have it in my stories. Oh my God.

I wonder if I could just rent one. That's my new thing, because I look up my like, oh fuck. I should just sell my daily driver and get that thing. But then you have that thing and then you just like, fuck, you know, now I gotta get a fix, it's leaking, I gotta deal with all of this shit, right? The lovely Nia really changed my mind about that,

where, you know, there's two types of people, there's the people that fucking buy them. And then there's two types of buyers. Me where I buy him, I could never get rid of my old truck. I just love it too much, right? But I get like emotionally attached to shit. So I always envy Dean Del Rey,

where he could get something, drive it, it was cool, and then he'd get rid of it, and then get something else. I always thought that that was fucking cool, but I was getting them, and I was just like, nah man, I fucking loved this car. I wanna keep it. Then I love it so much I get worried

that I'm gonna sell it to the next person. They're gonna fuck it up or they're not gonna care about it. But that is definitely, you know. Oh, I forgot to say, with the pure gregals, that was like for more like a fucking, you know, an adult would kind of drive that car. And then out of nowhere, I think when the Monte Carlo SS, when they brought back that line,

the Buick Regal shut everybody down with the Grand National. And that car was so fast for that era. It wasn't really fast, especially for now. Like, you know, what's funny right now is, is like the cars are so goddamn fast. The gas combustion wants to get about the fucking electric one. So things are insane. There's like more horsepower than brains out there.

So there's just people fucking. I mean, you could just watch endless videos of people fucking up their car because they lose the rear end. But most of them, I think nowadays, a front wheel drive, so you kinda are right with that. But like, the fucking speed of some of these cars that are coming out, it's really a fucking glorious time.

So I will say, if we are gonna heat up the planet, we are kinda doing it in the best way possible. So anyway, I don't know, I hope you guys enjoyed me going down fucking memory lane. I forget what those things were called, what body type that was. I remember the, it was a certain body type too for the Camaro's and the Transams, the F type. I don't know what the fuck there was a certain body type too for the chameleons and the transams, the F type.

I don't know what the fuck it was, but I am now, no, I'm going to go to the gym, but after I do that before my show, I'm going to go onto the internet and I'm just going to look up fucking mid 80s, Oldsboot, Bill Cutsbord, for four twos. And if you're young listening to this, you're gonna do the same thing. God willing, if you live long enough, all this shit that you have now, you're gonna go back and just look up like,

I don't know what you guys will look up, old laptops and play stations and iPads. And it's gonna mean something to you because it's gonna be a part of your life where you weren't married, you didn't have any kids, no responsibility, no ailment, no debt, none of that shit. And so it just reminds you of a simpler time, almost like a comfort food. And then also I got to give a I got to give a shout out to this comedian I saw.

He did this fucking amazing bit. Look up at Pat Bercher, B-U-R-T-S-E-H-E-R. It says at Pat Bercher solved the economic problem. This bit fucking killed me. It bit fucking killed me. It absolutely fucking killed me. And his style is amazing. So definitely check him out. Alright, that's it.

I hope you guys are all good. Have a great weekend. You're cunts and enjoy the music that the amazingly talented Andrew Thamelis is putting here. So don't ever give me credit It's always Andrew with the brand new setting and I enjoy a bonus episode of the first day after you just before Friday Monday morning On your own, don't come along I walk alone The earth is yours I wish I never left Like times long But it's only me trying not to fear myself

I said it's only me trying not to fear myself Hey, what's going on? It's Bill's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, June 28th, 2015. How you doing? How are you? How are you? How are you? How are you?

How are fucking you? I'm completely burnt out. I'm at the end of my tour right now. And I have to leave for my show in Tucson in exactly one hour. So I'm going to do a half hour of this podcast and then do my show and then I'm going to finish it up after the show. So what you're basically going to have is Stone Sober Me doing the first 30 minutes and

then a slightly more, a slightly older, slightly wider, slightly more buzzed. Billy Redface doing the second half of the podcast because that's how this is going down and I have to be somewhere immediately. Of course, the second I fucking land because that's how it works in this business. That's how it works. That's how it works. Oh, you're gonna have a little breather there?

You're gonna have a breather? This is fucking yanked that right off the table? But it could always be worse. I could have absolutely nothing to do. Staring at a phone like that crazy bitch in that movie, the audition. You guys ever see that? Hee hee hee hee hee hee

Remember that? She was sticking the needles in that fucker? That's what you get for trying to bang some crazy actress. You know, they're not sticking needles into you literally, right? Listen to me, having the nerve to act like I'm even remotely sane. So anyways, this is the last night of the tour. I want to thank everybody that has come out on this one. And I want to thank Joe Bartnik for absolutely crushing it.

Right up until Wednesday. Bakersfield, the last one and then fucking Jay Lawhead came in. After fucking Bartonick gave me a strong seven innings. I went to the bullpen, you know. He gave me six and two thirds and he walked the next batter. Then I brought in fucking, brought in Lawhead. Lawhead crushed it and it was a crazy week of shows and we did some place in the inland empire

and 98% of the people were cool there, and then there was just some of the drunkest fucking animals. I've ever been, that I've been in front of in a while. I'm talking like literally screaming and whistling during setups, like I wasn't even saying anything. And I just be like, well, you know, I've been doing stand-up for a while and something in the back of the day This fucking whistling about what I don't know I felt like I was doing like a rock concert You know like when you listen to a live album and they'll end the song and one of those mumbling jackass singer songwriters be like you know

We've been coming out here for a while and he'll, yeah, he's on his way to the point and people are already screaming because they're fucking wasted. So my apologies to the sober people who are at that show. That show was fucking brutal. I'll be honest with you, man. That one was a lot of work with all those screaming. He was like 20 people and they were in all different parts of The the venue and they were screaming and yelling and I finally snapped in the end and I don't know And I said a word. I shouldn't have said

You know what I mean? And that's something the crowd like related to it And then it came up to me and they fucking gave me the tickets back I'm like who you spin all this money on you just and then through through the whole fucking tragedy of their life Put it on me. I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about You know, and it's just one of those fucking things once again. It's like dude. I talked about plane crashes I talked about sinking cruise ships. I made front of Bruce gender. So I guess I gender Bruce Jenner So I need to just laugh at me. So I mean, technically it wasn't all of that offensive.

No, it was just the fucking thing that was about your fucking life. And not only that, I just said a word. I didn't even do a bit on it. I basically said to the guy in the crowd, I said, I was such a fucking moron. I have 90 minutes of this guy, I find snap. He's like, dude, you fucking retarded.

I never say that word. And that night night I happened to say in a moment of fucking it now obviously I'm not making fun of fucking Whatever you fucking supposed to say mentally challenge people. Why would I ever do that? And I've said in the past I didn't see fucking people come up to me You said the past you don't do that and the fucking show me a picture that kid and just put the whole fucking thing on me And I want to apologize to the next 40 people in line because I was processing What the fuck just happened and then I got livid? The way they fucking handed me the tickets back and I took them because I didn't know what they were saying like here throw these things out You're a piece of shit, and you know, it's like I it's like who if they're listening 100% I apologize and

100% go fuck yourself Let me guess let me guess you never said anything fucked up right you never laughed at something you shouldn't have said You never lost your temper and fucking said something if you don't you whole fucking life on me like that like I'm the worst fucking person ever You know you are out of line and not only that once I realized what the fuck you were talking about, I said, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that guy was yelling, I shouldn't have said it, blah blah. And you just wouldn't accept it. You wouldn't fucking accept it.

You had to have your moment. So, you know, my apologies and fuck you. So that was that night. Anyways, you know what I mean? I mean, dude, some fucked up shit happened to me when I was a kid that I will not get into but I've seen comics joke about it. I don't give a fuck. I know they're not attacking me.

I know they don't wish that misery on me. Jesus, I'm gonna comedy show, right? Christ, have you fucking weak? You guys call me a ginger 12 ways to Sunday. I don't give a fuck. Do I think you really hate me? If you hate me, you wouldn't be writing in. I get it, You're fucking around.

Yeah, sorry. I had to get that out. I was something I wasn't gonna talk about, but if I didn't talk about it be fucking flicking me in the back of my ear for the rest of this podcast. So anyways. Oh my god. I was literally going like, you know what? I'm never going out after a fucking show again. That's how fucking awful that whole goddamn moment was. Alright, this is why I probably shouldn't have talked about that because now I'm fucking, I don't know, I wish I didn't say it. Why the fuck did they have to come that night? You know, what are the fucking hours?

Why did that drunk have to be there? You know, if I just ended the show five minutes before, I wouldn't have said, this is fucking kills you. You know, people just, everybody's got a fucking moment now. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, I'm fucking driving through this country, right? And you just seen all the water out in California. It is that it brutally low levels. And, you know, old Tony Monsanto there, I mean, fuck you say Tony's fucking with the food. None of these counts running for president are going to talk about any of that. It's all going to be like the level with which people are freaking out that gay people can

now get married. Who gives a fuck? Who aren't like, I don't understand people trying to protect You know, what are they called the sanctity a marriage or whatever these fucking morons are talking about? It's like dude. I don't know if you've noticed like 60% of them go down the shit or anyways, you know what I mean? Maybe these gay people will be better addict and straight people and they'll they'll up the numbers, right? All those poor bastards. Gay people, God bless you, but I don't think that you realize what you fucking walked into.

We wanna do it too. Jesus Christ. You know what being married is like, being married is like going on a ride at six flags. You know what I mean? It's fun, it's fucking exciting, but there's like a physicist fucking Chance that one of the bolts is gonna come off and you're gonna go flying into the woods If I haven't told you guys about that. I don't go to I don't go to amusement parks. I absolutely refuse

you know, maybe You know Disney land I would go to I've gone to that but even then you go in space mountain. You're like how fucking old is this ride? You know what I mean? Just there's always something going up, but you know I feel like the stationary ones Are safer because you know where they're at those ones where they pick it up and put it down and then leave town You know you're still floating you flew into the bushes and they go all right. Let's wrap it up And they get the fuck out of there. Plus the wear and tear,

putting them together and taking them down and everything. Oh man, why the fuck did that happen? So that fucking just, I was like, well, that's the worst moment I've had as a comedian in a long fucking time. Because I, I felt I really hurt those people and I didn't want to do that but then to the way they fucking you know, just right in my, just the whole fucking thing. And then it wasn't until I just wished in the moment I could have said that so like plane crashes are okay. You're all right with that cruise ships, you're okay cruise ships sinking. That's fine. You know what I mean?

Me teasing fucking Caitlyn Jenner. That's fine. That's not that. All of that's funny, right? Oh, I wish I had a fucking videotape of them sitting in the crowd laughing at all of that shit. And that fucking moron, that's what I should have called them. That was the thing. I wasn't even thinking about, like, mentally challenged kids when I said that. I was basically just saying, why are you being such a fucking cunt? Right? And then some feminists will come up to me.

I have one of those and it's called a vagina. And fucking sticks to God. Damn, tickets back in my face. Sorry and lighten the fuck up. How about that? How about that, if you're gonna go to a comedy show? If not, stay the fuck home. Go watch a lifetime.

Anyways, I'm gonna keep going back to that. I'll give a shit until I get it out of my fucking system. So, oh, Billy Cardio went off the rails the last two days. I stayed out late You know so people that I work with showed up when I was in Vegas surprised me like oh, that's going to get a cigar So it's like all right, so we went out and stayed out till like five in the morning and in the meantime my My my iPhone 4s finally shit the bed you know Bartnik was he had the 4s and he finally switched to the 6u saying he

goes do once that battery starts cutting out you know it's gonna get worse and worse and worse and it finally fucking cut out and I plugged it in and I was getting nothing so you know the lovely Nia, well, we got to get you a new phone. So, I went into Caesar's palace next door where they have all these beautiful shops and everything and all these fucking animals walking in and out of them like me, you know, shuffling around a fucking sweatpants. So some guy in there was like true legend pants and a t-shirt. Did not see any Ed Hardy shirts. Ed Hardy shirts are gone. I don't know what ocean they're

floating in right now. I'm guessing the Indian ocean for some fucking reason. We can't dump it all in the Pacific, right? I don't know where those fucking things are But I guarantee you when they do the The fast times at Ridgemont high or some shit or the days and confused of this era They're gonna have people wearing those true religion jeans or maybe last decade I should say and the Ed Hardy shirts Telling you do that's why George Carlin another reason why George Carlin was a genius You know is if you notice most of his specials he wore just all black. I mean, that's never going out of fucking style. You know, he probably figured that out after he had his hippie-dippy shit that he wore in the 70s. You

know what I mean? Some of that stuff and he started looking at it like, oh my god, do I got flowers on my jeans? Why did I think that was cool because everybody else did but they got rid of theirs and this video tape Are you with yours on so you look like the only asshole that wore them, you know, so Anyways, I'm all over the fucking map here. So dude Bakersfield was tremendous Trying to work my way back to think where the hell we were. Oh, I already talked about keep forgetting that I do the Thursday Podcast so you already heard about that Playing the Fox theater and all that and obviously bread no Bread no cattle 40 we're fucking around you come up here if you smile with no push the cap you read

Did that one and then we did two nights at the Mirage and Just had a fucking amazing time and tremendous crowds and So tonight's the last one down here in Tucson, Arizona and it was like a seven hour drive down here We got up at like 9 a.m. Or something like that drove all the way down here and I got to get We got dribbled to event here at like 6.45. So I'm gonna try to get through as much. Maybe I'll do 45 minutes.

Who knows, the last 15 of you guys are all like, Bill, cut it off now, get shit faced and then do the rest of the podcast. So anyways, oh here's something, you know what's a fucking pet peeve of mine and fucking, I don't know if this is just About women or if it's casino women. I have no idea But women who at the end of the night take off their high heels because their feet hurt and they just start walking down the street and their bare feet

Are walking across the casino rug and their bare feet, you know, bottom of their feet all fucking dirty. I was joking about that at the morage. I was like, you know what, you can't, you can't marry that. You can't marry that, dude. That's a quitter. You know, you couldn't make it till the last fucking 1500 yards up to your room. You couldn't throw a pair of little flippy flops into your clutch or something like that. What kind of a fucking animal? You know, I could only imagine I know what women think. Well, if you had to walk around in those Yeah, you know, I'd have some flip flops. I would there's no fucking way I would ever walk barefoot across the rough people walk in and out of the fucking men's and ladies room

With God knows you know what the fuck goes on in there. Literally a shit show a shit in piss show goes on in there. All kinds of bacteria and you just walk and barefoot through it like you're Christ. Jesus Christ, your fucking girlfriend's gonna wash your feet when you come in. It's just it's to me, that takes a fucking 10 all the way down to about well, if we're just talking sex, who's kidding who a nine and a half, but if we're talking about the mother of your children, it's just, it's done. It's a done fucking deal. If she isn't adult, if her feet are gonna be that dirty, how filthy your fucking kids' feet's gonna be. Can I jump in on this, please?

Yeah, you want to jump in on a grab a microphone? Yeah, you want to jump in on a grab a microphone? No, like late at night that night we stayed out Friday night and we ended up at the the deli there trying to grab me a microphone here Would that be in my bag Christ, I don't know where it is my backpack. Yes My pack that I put on my back A.K.A. my backpack. Yeah, me and Jay ended up in this, they go like this,

Carnegie deli, or Carnegie, depending if you're from the East Coast or the Midwest. I've noticed that in Pittsburgh, it's always Carnegie. East Coast, it's Carnegie. Oh, traveling. So we were there, and these two girls got into this, who didn't have shoes on kind of got in this drunken like sort of a little fucking play fight. So one of them kind of falls down and their legs go up in the air like right up over the booth and I was staying there waiting to order and I just saw her the filthy souls of her feet. I can't say it made me lose my appetite. I'm just babbling here because you know what I'm doing. I'm trying to find the other fucking microphone.

And you know we brought it because you brought it. There it is. Now, all right, so it's down here. Here it is. There it is. Was. All right. So it's down here. Here it is. Oh, there it is. Was that is this an entertaining podcast? This podcast has now been renamed to people looking for a microphone. So, when we finally get this hooked up, Everdele, you're going to weigh in on this? I want to weigh in.

You want to weigh in on it? I want to weigh in. You want to have your two cents? Yes, please. Hey, is Donald Trump been knocked out of the race yet? I'm really rooting that he stays in the longest Just be continued to be the most entertaining person on it because everybody else is gonna go Al Gore Oh, education

We got a we got to do things. Yeah, hang on one second. Let's see what we got here. All right Check check check to to check All right, so So what are your feelings? No, I want you talking about the, uh, dirty feet, bitches, dirty feet, bitches. Yeah, here's the thing. I agree with you. DBBs. If you can't handle your heels, you don't need to be wearing them. That's really the bottom line. And I know you want to look cute. I want to look cute. I want to wear high, sexy, gorgeous heels that make my legs and ass. Bitches want to look cute, I want to look cute, I want to wear high sexy gorgeous heels

that make my legs and asses amazing. Bitches want to be looking cute. But if you can't handle it, you need to not wear them. You need to save your highest sexiest, but most like goddamn looking shoes that shows off your predicate here when you have a date or whatever. When you're getting picked up and you go in the car, in the restaurant, back in the car, back to the crib. Otherwise, you don't need to be wearing.

If you're going out dancing, you need to find some cute shoes that are a lower heel that you can dance in and you can walk in. So you don't look crazy because I can't stand that either. Whenever I see a woman walking around with their bare feet, I want to scream at them. Like don't just don't do it if you can't handle it. You know what's great too? You know what can't handle it. Don't do it. And also save your feet. Be smart. It's not worth it. It's really not worth it. Looking like what's the

word I want to use? Could I say something? A trashy mess. Can I get a word? Tracing through the casino with no shoes on. You know what else is great? Not with that. It's when they take the shoes off. And they just, now they look like this little stumpy person in the short dress and the illusion of all the other women. You're like, oh my God, look how long those legs are. You really start doing the math.

You start knocking off a few inches. I have shoes that I wear if I'm going to a concert. Well, see the thing is, I feel like if I go to a concert concert I'm not doing that standing room shit because I'm too old for it anyway but I have shoot if I'm going out I'm going to I say that I'm not I wouldn't marry someone that takes the shoes off that's that's a lock the door test that's a little extreme the lock the door yeah are you talking about the car door thing from a Bronx yeah yeah one of your girlfriends are they that take the shoes off people no No, you know, you don't you have any dirty

Feet bitches in your crew. No, I don't have any dirty feet bitches in my crew You keep them on or you don't wear them Seriously though, well there you go So why the hell would you fucking marry that and have a kid? Well, I don't know if you got to like have I don't know if you need to make the leap from you take off your shoes to Equals, I'm not gonna marry you. That's that's a bit of a that's a bit of a stretch Unbreedable Yeah, you're done. I might I might I might have to add that into the fucking act as far as like the people that you know when I when I'm

Doing my cleanse of the population so the water supply stays where it needs to be. Oh, that would be another person I would get rid of women who take their shoes off when the final 10% of the night are in content to walk down a public fucking street. You know, also women bear feet. Why don't you put in inserts, insoles into your shoes? I have insoles in all of my heels. They get the clear ones, the the doctor shows I know you feel like an old lady going into that section But I have them in every single pair of heels because and even still they hurt my fucking feet You said dumb man when we would sit dumb people why would they go out and go do some you're asking them Why don't they do something smart?

Yeah, well maybe because they're dumb who kind of fucking pro I don't give a shit if I was wearing snowshoes when we went to the Michael way I would I would I would take those off and walk barefoot across the casino We went to the Michael Jackson show those shoes that I was wearing gorgeous amazing hurt my feet like a bitch Expensive I put the insult on a Necessary they still hurt and I stuck it out I stuck it fucking out because I committed myself to wearing them and I wasn't gonna quit And I wasn't gonna look like one of those girls because that's messy, that's sloppy,

you don't want to look like that. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum Michael Jackson's show was amazing. Amazing. Even with the Scooby-Doo kids. That was weird. That was for the kids. But I don't want to ruin the show, but at one point, I challenge any person to go to that show. And at some point, you're not thinking, just put on the fucking hat. Just put on the fucking hat.

I, that musical theater, whoa, I get it. That hat has power. Put it on and on and you fucking dance already Jesus Christ. It's a Cirque du Soleil show It's called one. It's tremendous. Please go see the show and I challenge you not time magazine says All right, I'm gonna talk about I'm gonna talk about hockey. Oh, so this is the part where I dip out right? It's part and this is part where so thank you for not being a dirty feet bitch. I Love you too Fucking animals

So anyways, oh, let's talk any child hockey here Jesus Christ the Bruins are going through a whole fucking rebuild here. You know what, the only reason why Dougie Hamilton getting traded did not shock me was because the first half of this tour, I was working with Joe Bartonick, who knows as much about hockey as anybody on the NHL channel. And he was saying like, he was just doing his botnic thing just saying like they should get rid of Dougie Hamilton he's too much of a head on the cap you want to keep McQuade he's a stay-at-home guy on defense he sticks up for his teammate every team in the NHL is looking for a guy like Adam McQuade that's the guy you keep Dougie's too soft

a blah blah and I was just saying I like him he's kind of offensive but everything that he fucking said and the guy gets shipped off to Calgary, I still love them, but I never saw them trading, Luke, Cheach. I mean, that guy, he's the fucking local motive. He's the toughest guy in our fucking team, and now he's gone. Like, come on, little cheats going down,

crashing the fucking net, who's gonna do that now? You know, putting Ryan Miller in his place? Who's gonna do that now? Sorry, Buffalo fans, I'm fucking with you. I know he got frustrated, because he thought he had a breakaway and it bounced over his stick, so he acted a little childish there.

Who's gonna stab someone in the balls when we need him to? Sorry, I'm actually bringing up his worst thing. Other than that, yeah, he's a fucking force. So now he goes to the Kings. And to me, once again, the West is way more fucking interesting than the East. How will Chicago respond to that force of nature

that is Milan luchich that's now with the Kings? The only thing I liked about the trade is I live in LA. So it's yet another reason to go see that great team, even though they didn't make the playoffs last year. So all I will say about this is I hope the Bruins know what they're doing. It's the exact same thing I said about the Patriots a couple years ago when they did, I don't know,

I can't remember who the fuck they traded. And I was just like, I hope they know what they're doing. And evident when they did they didn't I don't I can't remember who the fuck they traded and I was just like I hope they know what they're doing and evidently they did because we just want to Super Bowl so you know at the end of the day what I'm a fucking comedian what do I know about building a goddamn team I'll tell you right now I didn't like us getting rid of our GM the guy obviously did a great fucking job we want to Stanley Cup he makes one stupid comment and everybody listens to Dan Shaunasi who doesn't watch hockey on any level I don't give a shit. They need to make a move This Dan Shaunasi even write articles anymore does he just take like fucking articles?

He's already written a thousand times and just pull fucking words out and put new new Players names and I don't know I rip on that guy too much. You know what I mean? I rip on him too much, but the only time he really bugs me is when he fucking is when he when he trashes the broans. It's like dude, you don't even know what the fuck you talking. I mean, I don't want you to go to the sports. All right.

So just shut him. Anyways, oh dude. Oh, dude, so we're pulling here to Tucson, Tucson, Arizona, and we're driving down the street. We're a little bit lost, and we get into this shit part of fucking town, you know, and we're driving down the street, and this fucking white trash looking dude, walking up the street, just gives the finger to the bus as we drive by. He's giving us the finger. What's he giving us the finger for? It's like Jesus, Jay, do the math.

Look at the neighborhood, what do you think? Fuck you think's happening. He's blaming his whole fucking life on us, rather than whatever got him into that situation. Be it racism or whatever? Why not racism? He's white. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it wasn't the bus. Fucking bus. Um, I'm not gonna lie to you. Maybe really uncomfortable. It's like, uh, should we be driving through here in this thing? Maybe we should think of

fucking taxi. Um, anyway, so, uh, so here we are. We got one, I got reached from this fucking advertising. Was it 615? That's one of the great things about being a guy. You take a shower and like fucking three minutes. Shake off like a goddamn hound, right? Pull women, gotta go in there, you know?

Put on all that clown makeup. Put on their shoes, they're gonna make their feet fucking hurt, you know It's a lot of advantages. All right. Here we go. So there you go. Oh, that's 31 minutes 31 minutes in all right, so right now I'm gonna hit pause and I'm gonna go. I fucked out I can keep going here, right? Can I keep going? No, I should get off She's saying to get off the horn. Wait a minute. Oh my God, this fucking maniac. Jesus Christ, the people know how to be a fucking show. Certain people you hook up, they're fucking cool.

Other people you hook up and then, I'm here, now I'm here. Oh, now I'm calling your phone. Oh, is everything gonna be okay? Relax. Tickets gonna be there. You're gonna sit there, right? Your wife's gonna take off for shoes, get her feet all dirty, you're gonna slam a couple of

fucking scotches and I'm gonna get up there and do a little fucking clown dance for you. All right. It's fucking an hour and 40 minutes before the show. I still I haven't even put my red nose on yet. Oh, I was old Billy's sport coach Saturday night in Vegas came out there with a pocket square and everything. And I actually stuck it out. And I wore the jacket for the whole show. Oh my god, this motherfucker. And I wore the jacket for the whole show, even though it was starting to get hot. You know, actually the only real reason why I didn't take it off was because I had a white shirt underneath it and I'm pasty as fuck. And, uh, you know, I didn't want to, you know, I didn't want to be up there

looking like a head on top of a fucking candlestick. Um, so anyways, oh, by the way, if you just end to work and out you know The that Michael Jackson show those Cirque de Soleil people are fucking unbelievable this one guy He does a routine on this rope climbing this rope up and down the fucking thing 80 80 fucking different ways for a whole song If you can go up a climb rope climbing rope rope, a climbing rope and come back down, using your feet. You know, that's impressive. If you can do it without using your feet, that's even more impressive. But what this guy was doing was just on a whole other level. And then the biggest beast of the show was this one woman who came out and was basically

one of the strongest human beings I've ever seen in my life. She was doing stuff that just defied even some of the stuff like I've seen that, like you ever see those guys like do like the human flag and then they'll do like this this woman did all of that and she would do it for like five minute chunks. She just didn't do it. And that's how you do the human flag. And then that's it. She'd be in that position for like 20 seconds and then go into something even harder. I remember her finishing fucking move. She's upside down on, you know, I guess it's called a stripper pole, you know, but what she did was so artistic. We'll just say it was like a street sign pull just to give her some class there. Pull dancing. All right, there you go,

whatever. So she fucking was upside down in a full split with no hands. Does that thing you just sort of let yourself slide down the pole and then you stop yourself. When people do that with their hands, that's amazing. She did it upside down in a split and she did it with her legs and a smile on her face that never betrayed any sort of pain. It was the greatest display of, I don't know. She was unbelievable. She was unfuck believable pick. I can't say what I was just gonna say I was say pictures someone someone to bikini, but I would have meant bad Anyways, all right That's it for sober bill

Hang in there and through the magic of editing I will be back in about two seconds and I'll be a little bit happier Maybe a little more horse in the voice And definitely a lot more, well, I'm not buzzed at all right now. I'll have a couple of fucking, I'll throw it down a couple of, you know, whatever, all right. Go fuck yourself.

I'll talk to you in a minute. All right, now back to magical mystery tour. It's coming to take you away. I don't know why that's in my fucking head and now I'm not drunk I've had two Bud lights, you know, I might as well have some raisin brand such a weak fucking beer All right, so I did the last show and Great crowd and all that type of shit had a wonderful time in this conference room and Thank you to everybody who came out to the shows and everybody came out to the tour and you know and I'm gonna leave it at that

because yeah yeah how do I not say it I can't he was you know they were having a they were having one of those days down there I can't say it I yeah you know I don't wait what are you gonna fucking do I don't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I'm not doing it. Shush the man is spoken and he said woman. Shush. Oh GG. All right, let's get into the fucking questions here. All right. Oh, oh, Quessonia. Yeah, you know, I'm just having one of those days. You know, someone those days. I'm telling those days. That's why everything's all fucked up. All right, Jack Williams. Jack Williams, Billy Lansdown Street. Not sure if you heard this. Lansdown Street. Yeah, right down here. Fend it.

Fend it. Back in the day you wouldn't go down there at night. Now you can skip down the street. You can. Troll along. I love Lansdown Street. Beasts are hang out there during college. All right, WBZ4, Boston News anchor, Jack Williams,

retired this week. Wow. I'm afraid to see how old he is. That's gonna make me feel even fucking older than him. Can you please give a short speech about him as though you were at his retirement party? Well, at his retirement party, so I'd be half in the bag. Yeah, I want to say something. I can't wake up people Jack Williams fucking Jack I love you man We're both red heads

in this business I used to watch you when I was a kid and you were funny as hell you and Liz Walker had a great rapport And you always had a great sense of humor and that stuff you did for the kids great rapport and you always had a great sense of humor and that stuff you did for the kids Wednesdays child. I just love that guy. I can't believe he's retired. That guy, I'm not going to act like I'm a retired party. That guy was the best.

He is the best. Total professional and he was funny as hell. He had a great sense of humor. Then the bat, I used to watch some way back in the day. It was Jack Williams, Liz Walker and Bob Lowebell did the sports and that was it then they throw it to Bob new wire new me they throw it to him and that poor bastard I remember when we used to go to Patriots games he did this thing one here for some stupid reason they thought this would be a good idea and this is back they've

sent them to Sullivan Stadium. Sully. It might even have been Shaffa Stadium back then. They wanted to do this thing whenever the Patriots were right down on the goal line. They would record him, you know, for the segments later on in the news, for him to be like, you know, and you know, and it's whatever 328 in the third quarter, the Patriots were down on the one yard line and then they

would just, he would turn around and then if they scored, he'd say in Tony Collins ran the ball in, blah, blah, blah, blah. So he fucking would go down there and we're all hammered. And he'd be taken a knee and we just wait for his lips to start moving. And we'd all just start screaming, fucking no, man. No, he'd be down on one knee. I remember me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me,

me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, them they were funny as hell bought new my was great to know does all the horse racing everything so another Boston legend retires jack Williams thank you for all your great news class and the Wednesdays child and all that stuff you were awesome so there you go i hope other people gave a fuck about that war from Boston all right advice for my daughter uh top of the morning to you standard redhead joke that everybody's done in a zillion times. Alright, I want to thank you in advance for any advice you have from me or my daughter. My daughter is 13 and doesn't have many interests. At least none that she is willing to stick with.

Well she's only 13, dude. The fuck, she's got to pick a career. You scream and edit every night. Is it going to be fine? Ask you going to be a nurse. Mom! However, there seems to be one subject that keeps coming up that she asks my help with, and that's comedy. She's a funny and incredibly sarcastic kid, my favorite type of humor. She probably got it from you then. Yeah, I was just about to say. Yeah. Oh, because she's daddy. Little sarcastic girl. And she wants to learn how to write jokes. I have searched for classes, but they appear to be given at a comedy club. And I don't think they would want a 13-year-old

girl around. You wouldn't want to bring a 13-year-old girl down to a comedy club. I don't think they would want a 13 year old girl around. You wouldn't want to bring a 13 year old girl down to a comedy club. They've got to have a person like a sailor. They've got to have some kids programs. Don't they do that? Let me finish before you come in here with your wisdom. Can you recommend any kind of book or video class that she can study? I've seen a lot of material but I'm not sure what will help or get started. Big fan and appreciate any suggestions that you may have. And if you read this on the advice show, please give me a heads up. I will have her. How the fuck when I give you? I don't know who you are. What is the advice show? Let her hear it directly from you. And not shitily passed along from her more on father. And I would like to count how many mistakes

You made reading this letter. I kept the well you want to talk about mistakes to when you said at least none that she's willing You spelled none n-o-n. All right, fucko. I kept the word small for your illiterate ginger ass. It's such arrogant cuts. Maybe this is why your daughter doesn't like to share interest Because you're kind of a prick No, he's you know what it is. He's worried that I'm gonna shit on him. So he's gonna shit on me first. So anyways First of all Emerson college all of a sudden now you can major in comedy. I heard that tonight. Yeah, which kind of makes sense considering the Comedics the comedic legends that have

sense considering the comedic the comedic legends that have graduated from the school. No, just such as Bill Burr. Just the tickets that comics are selling. When I started out, there was a handful of people playing theaters. And that would be like George Carlin, Bill Cosby. See, I'm already forgetting. I mean, maybe those guys that had their TV shows and my started sign felt still hadn't become a hit yet so he was probably just selling our clubs maybe Roseanne Barr if she gave a fuck enough at that point because

Roseanne was still going but there was I mean it was a short short short list and now there's like a zillion people out there it seems they're all playing theaters they're all writing new hours and everything. There's never been a more prolific time. So I think they've finally seen it. When like how many fucking comics have sold out Madison Square Garden? Like that was like, it was like Eddie Murphy did it,

Dice Clay did it, and then Dane Cook did it. So there was like a fucking, there was two guys in the 80s, nobody in the 90s that I knew of., nobody in the 90s that I knew of. No comic in the 90s that I know of, that wasn't, well, Eddie had already stopped. Dice maybe did it in 1990, but. Did I felt?

No, I don't think he, yeah, he was doing the show. That was when a lot of the Echomas were doing their own TV shows. Yeah. Tim Allen. Yeah, I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden now, you know, there's like, like I think I know like five people that sold the fucking thing out. So in my, it's now a, it's, it's, it's finally, I think comedy, well,

maybe that they're having is like comedy writing in that, but I always look at it as like being a comedian. It's actually a, a a it's a career now. What people used to kind of look at it, even though I'd always was a career, but it was always kind of viewed as like it was this stepping stone to get a sitcom. I find it strange that like you major in comedy. It's cool, but it's like it's such a weird thing. So they're probably. It is weird. Do you have to be funny in like your application? Right. Exactly. They probably do like the acting program where you have to do some material. They're probably study all like the history of comedy from the very beginning like Vodville up until now. They watch a ton of specials. They probably have to write. So kind of like when I did Emerson and I

graduated with a media arts degree, right? We watched a shitload of movies. We wrote a lot of papers about it. That's probably what they're going to do. They have to do some sort of performance. Right. degree, right? We watched a shitload of movies, we wrote a lot of papers about it. That's probably what they're gonna do. They have to do some sort of performance. Right. Well, right now, I would say, well, his question was, what can you do now? I would just say,

what city are they, did they say what city they're in? I don't know. Listen, I would just say just watch as many comedians as you can, or watch as many comedies as you can. Depending if you want to be a writer or something like that.

I mean, these are the fun years like there's no like you're 13 I mean, it's not like exactly it'll probably it'll probably change it should be enjoyed nobody should be enjoyable Should be enjoyable. Yeah, why are you trying to make it a career for her already? No, she loves her No, I know I know I'm just joking, but also they don't do improv classes for people that age That's a good fun thing to do. Don't do don't take an improv class at 13. That's like teaching a kid out of throw a fucking curveball. Is the two young? Well, if you try to teach a kid when he's too young to throw a curveball, he let me finish. You have fucking interrupt to me here. They're fucking, uh, they get the Tommy John surgery. Well, now what? Now you're gonna pow it on me? I'm not powding. There you are.

That's your powed face. Is this my powed face? Yeah, I was trying to, I had a nice fucking reference there about throwing the curve ball. It was going well and you would jump in it on me. So I decided to defend myself. And now you know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna fucking, you're within three more dumb things of me saying of doing that thing with your cross your arms and you fucking look in the other direction. My arms are half-crossed. I know. And then I say what's wrong and you go nothing. Nothing's wrong. Something's wrong. You got your fucking arms crossed. I don't understand what her going to an improv class is is why is that a bad idea? Because a lot of those improv theaters they also do comedy writing workshops and all that kind of stuff. I'll tell you why because

anybody who's in comedy and their job is to teach 13-year-olds how to do improv They stink They married a rich guy and they're fucking bored and now they they oh the maybe this is my talent And they're gonna teach him more shit. I had this is this is what you do. It's not when I was 13 You were 13 fuck that this is what you do I had to do that. This is what you do. It's not when I was 13, but. No, when you were 13, fuck that.

This is what you do. I was not 13, but. Hang out with your friends and joke around and be funny and find out the movies that, you know, make your generation laugh. Just do that. This should be fun. Should be fun.

Yeah, that's a good point. Shouldn't be, you know, turning this into like the sports dads, which was the reference. Well, they teach them how to throw a fucking curveball at 13. And the movement that you do when you throw it, you snap and you're wrists like that, the tendons and their arms are still growing and whatever. I don't want it as medically, but their arm is not strong enough to do it. And these kids need Tommy John's surgery,

which is basically you take a ligament out of your fucking leg and replace it in the elbow from, they should be skipping rocks across the fucking leg. You know the advice that I gave no you're absolutely right the advice I gave holy shit can you say that again? What? That's alright I have a record it's good. Oh when I said that you're right you said absolutely right I don't think I've ever heard that. The advice I just gave is the kind of advice my dad would give where he'd be like we'll get into a class and take this and do this writing thing and that he would make it this whole big stage. But I do not think well, it's a time and place for that.

And it's not when you're 13. 13, you should be walking home from school. If they didn't have you fucking believe in as a pedophile behind every fucking tree, you should be goofing off with your friends and just you shouldn't know how to make people laugh. You should just be fucking making people laugh. You don't wanna break it down and be like,

oh, I just made my 13 year old friend laugh. Well, let's see, let's look at the setup and what was the punch line you're gonna start doing? Right. Oh, here comes my, you know what we do today at school? Yeah, I do today. Yeah, 13. Oh, we work on my misdirections.

Hahaha. Dad, you wouldn't believe it. I tagged this whole thing about the lunch lady. You don't wanna do that, just fucking have fun. Have fun all the fun't believe it. I tagged this whole thing about the lunch lady. You don't want to do that just fucking have suck all the fun out of it Exactly just I would say Watch the legends of today like Melissa McCat the Kristen wig What what what I would have fuck you're into and You know, I don't know what to tell you that that's what I would do. I yeah, I don't stick her in a fucking comedy class

Oh Jesus my bad unto Jesus That's what I would do. I don't stick in a fucking comedy class. Oh, Jesus. Well, that I know Jesus. Comedy. What is it? Webster Dictionary. The son of comedy as what is this thing that we call comedy? All right, vegetarian, Bob, a cute. Okay. Oh, Billy boy the pipes the pipes are calling I think I'll do something oh Billy boy I'll do justice the pipes the pipes are calling who's that song I was singing you should keep watching the fucking repeats of true detective the dog's tailbone. That song. That song. That song.

That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song.

That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. That song. God you said the phone booth wow you really reached all the sushi restaurant you're really reaching back into Colin Farrell's

I am DB page with phone booth. I don't see movies. That's the last one I saw and I just saw that to be like How did these cheap fucks? Because they do one of it with the guy standing in phone But wasn't it time square or something like that? So it wasn't cheap to shoot that I know and it was a phone booth And it was like 2003 and they didn't exist anymore. I like your impression of that song the theme song from True Detective do it again. No I love the song too until you watched every episode five or two times. I'd be just walking around my house, quiet. From the dusty road. Oh, god, she's watching another one.

That is the handsome family. A husband and wife band who do that music, and they also do the theme to the new season. And they're amazing, and I love their music now. I love that gothic, you kind of. New music comes eclectic. Oh, I am. Oh, I'm so KCRW with it right now.

Sorry. You sound like you're high right now. Oh, I am oh, I'm so Casey R.W. with it right now Sorry, you sound like you're high right now. All right. Oh, I wish Vegetarian well, I'm a cute well Billy boy. That's a pie so calling last Sunday my girlfriend dragged me to a vegetarian Barbecue full disclosure. I was told that there would be grilled chicken skewers There, but I didn't see a single one. It sounds like something in silver like. And we got there on time. Maybe that's how they lure people over. Exactly. It's a vegetarian barbecue.

Terrible. That's like, hey, let's go to this gay sex orgy. I swear to God, there's going to be some hetero action going on over there. And I'm walking over there. And everybody's banging me in the ass. And I'm just like, have I been duped here? I really went a long way to make that point.

Sorry. You have to bring your own food to shit like this. Yeah. All right. Instead, you should have brought the biggest fucking reddest steak you could find. It's, it's laughing on right next to their dumb porta bello mushrooms. Yeah. What's up, pussy? It's it's laughed it on right next to their dumb porta-bello mushrooms What's up pussy? so manate

I know I'm gonna die before you but I can look myself in the eye when I dope whatever dumb things Weed eat or say not like I don't eat meat and not eat them. I'm not dumb But I like vegetables. All right I didn't see a single one and the time of a Instead I only saw vegetable skewers grilled corn and a bowl of orzo. I didn't want to know what that is. It's a grain It's like rice it's like rice peel off. That's what it tastes like. Oh, is that gonna be the new craze orzo the new craze some very pretentious side and Wheat pita bread

Not even regular pita. They couldn't even give me that. I feel bad for the bread. There's nothing worse than somebody fucks with the food. The only saving grace were a key lime pie, okay, and chips and dip and some decent beer. That's pretty good, that's pretty strong. I could maybe forgive the veggie barbecue

if the people holding it weren't the most ofnoxious hipsters as well. Of course. They were both artist shocker and painful to listen to as they clatter on about about their vinyl collection and knowledge of obscure sci-fi shows. Again, did this take place in Silver Lake? A Brooklyn or a Williamsburg. Yeah, but those aren't the only two hipster places. Yeah, that's true. The guy even has this weird nub of a ponytail coming out of the bottom of his head. He's so cool. He can't even have a normal ponytail. Anyways, is it against the laws of men to have a barbecue without grilling any meat, be it burgers, dogs, brats, etc. Nothing, anything, without grilling any meat, be it burgers, dogs, brats, et cetera.

Nothing anything, nothing anything against vegetarians. See, you have to time, not half the time, but a third of the time. That's the way they write it, not my dumb fucking brain. Nothing to anything against, what is he trying to say that? Not that I have anything against vegetarians or their closet diets, but I feel like something has to die for a barbecue to go on.

Wondering what your thoughts are on this subject, thanks, and go frog yourself. Yeah, you basically went to a barbecue where all they had was the sides. You know what I mean? They had the zucchini and they had all that type of shit. I think the mistake that vegetarians make is they try to replace

classic meat dishes. Yeah, that's like if you you want to stay a toe, was it tofurkey? Tofuki? Like it's like the fake turkey. Yeah, don't try to be turkey unless you're turkey, right? Right. Like a steak doesn't try to be zucchini exactly because it could now it could never be so you never be zucchini needs to follow its voice no if they had a and if they had any kind of common decency they would have a separate little hobachi for the the meat eaters i don't have sympathy for this guy he knew what it was they said it was they did line home about the check and we have a little bit of check in something like that

but you have to bring your own food to these type of things. You can't rely on them. You got to bring your own shit and just bring it cooked because yeah, I was just saying, you have to throw the steak on next to their dumb pork a little bunch of streams. But they'll be like, no, no, no, I don't want it on the same thing.

Man, no, no, no, no, no. Like, do you just got to bring your own shit? You know when this idea was presented to him, his inner voice said, I don't want fuck to go inner voice said I don't want to go to that fucking shit Yeah, you got to listen to that sir, and then you won't have to hang out with these people If I was ever invited to a vegan or vegetarian barbecue, I would say no Do you remember that time we had the vegetarian Thanksgiving? We try to do that. Oh god Family revolted against me, and that's how I learned my lesson. Yeah, I was like I want to do a vegan thing

It'll be just as delicious. It wasn't just as delicious awful and we did not but we also did not do it Yeah, and we were trying to be really healthy. We had just moved to LA blah blah blah. It's gonna work Duish bags couple of douchebag and had we had a douche bag Thanksgiving was that when I spilled half of the stuffing Behind the stove and start crying? Was that that year? I think so. Oh, no, no, no, no. We made a vegetarian lasagna one Thanksgiving. Oh, God. It was a terrible idea. Awful. Those fucking carrots in there. Yeah, carrots and lasagna. Terrible. Awful. So then I then you know what? Jamie Masata down the lab factory

He has this thing where he feeds the homeless people Down there and he asked me if I wanted to do it and I was like no, man It's my thanksgiving. I don't want it. I don't you know I did it a couple times and it's just like I don't want to fucking go down there And then you have to go on stage He always talks you to going on stage and you're sitting there and there's a bunch of homeless people eating and they don't give a fuck And you go up and you're sitting there and there's a bunch of homeless people eating and they don't give a fuck and you go up and you're bomb. Last time I was there, remember me and Ian Edwards just fucking ate, it's funny to eat

it on Thanksgiving, you know. It's a nice idea. Oh, it's a great on paper, on paper, it's a great fun in the American comedy show. Well they're fine, they're fine, they're fine with just the food. Yeah, they don't need, yeah, they don't need to be like hey How you so how you guys doing not good? We're homeless Isn't Elise open bars and they get a good drinks out of it where are you guys from? The fucking rail yard

What bus station do you sleep at? That's what you do you have to switch up all your references. Oh, there's got to sleep in the bus station out there in Burbank and all the other homeless people looking down on it Because they sleep in the one in fucking Hollywood So I ended up telling you because the vegetarian dinner was so bad I said, hey, I'm gonna go down and go feed the homeless cuz right that's right right next door Sneaky son of a bitch and then you went to green blast and you ate a Thanks, yeah, full turkey dinner and I wolfed it down and I felt so fucking guilty. No. And then I ran over to the last factory completely full and a big smile on

my face and I fed some homeless people and Jamie's like you want to go on stage I go no he's like come on buddy. That's gonna be fun. It's like Jamie I'm not going up and eat my balls in front of these fucking people. They they're good with the food. Oh come on man. Come Come on. Now you did the right thing by, by having a fold. Thanks, good. Yeah, I did. But, but, but, but me helping the homeless was, was horseshit that year. I did not do it. I went, I didn't go down there because I had to help the homeless. I went down there because I wanted to fucking Turkey dinner. Um, all right. What are we up to here as far as time?

22 minutes, we did 35, so I'm up to 57. All right, dilemma. Another redhead joke, hey, who would know? Who would have thought, would you let P. Diddy or anyone else that matter, hit you in the head with the kettlebell for $50 million. No. I don't understand the point of these like random scenario questions that people

like to pose like, would you rather give what he has by a set or not, but if it's a have a guard oil like give you and cancel money though. It's funny. No, if it's a, if they're funny scenarios, you give somebody two awful choices. He just said, that was one situation. Yeah, so it wasn't at the lemma.

Would you do that? Would you let P. Diddy, and why is P. Diddy in it? Why is that? What does that have to do with it? This is the thing where people pull things out of their ass that I have a problem with. It's lazy. Would you let P. Diddy, he went head of the kettlebell for 50 million bucks?

Like what are you 13? Yeah, but I said no, a lot of people would say yes. Oh just because If for the money No, if I wasn't doing what I was doing for a living and if I wasn't comfortable then yeah, I'd let them drop it on my toe I was doing for a living and if I wasn't comfortable then yeah, I'd let him drop it on my toe. Yeah, but I'm doing all right. So, uh, no, I don't have 50 million. I don't have anyone near that. But I mean, I'm not doing that in that somebody video tapes it. Oh, that big fucking kettle bell failed for the rest of my fucking life. That was the entire that was the entire question. I gotta be honest with you, I wouldn't want to make it that way. Kettle fell for the rest of life fucking life. That was the entire question.

I gotta be honest with you, I wouldn't wanna make it that way. Make what way? Why are you holding the mic like the, I don't know. You're not supposed to, you haven't. Yeah, you're like, like, you're gonna sing into it. No, I wouldn't wanna make it that way. Will you talk about make what way?

Like all of a sudden, you have 50 million bucks. Oh, please. Now you get yourself a little. Did he smash you with a kettlebell? You know, you got a little tweed coat on and some shit and then you go into some party where everyone else has 50 million bucks. And they're like, oh, you know, I'm a fucking,

I don't know, what are they? Fucking up banker. Oh, I ran a Ponzi scheme. You know, something that took a little bit of effort. American greed. American greed. I just find when people ask dumb questions like that that are meant to be some sort of Pro-men to use really psychotic work. It didn't work the way you're

My give you a dilemma me. I'm giving it's like it's you're not deep Yeah, you're being really harsh am I on the dilemma guy? All right, he took it took it took a swing Well, I want people to come with a little bit more effort. That's all took it took it took it took a swing. Well, I want people to come with a little bit more effort. That's all. Is it is it so wrong that I demand excellence for a cash? I'm full of shit right now. What's the dilemma you want to post to me then? Alright, let me give you a good one. Would you rather? I don't know when he famous people's fucking names, so I'm going to have to describe them to you. Oh God, that should be good.

I'm trying to think. I love when you try to identify actors. Just... Alright, would you rather have sex with... I can't even think of anybody. Who's just a fucking... just somebody you wouldn't want to have sex with an actor or like no one asked her not like who's gonna relate to the other than this shit okay the guy in seven who got force fed the fucking Spaghettios oh my god

you want to fuck him and he's in that makeup. And when he spends the night. Or you can put some jam. No, I'm gonna go on you. Oh, Neenie. I'm gonna go with the first one. That'll be over. That'll be over it. And it'll be over. 37 seconds. I cannot be involved in this sexual situation with an animal on any level. 28 seconds it's over. I will go with the fat guy spending the night. I'm not going to get into any kind of busy-ality.

No, no, no, no, no. You let it do it for 10 seconds. The animal? Oh my god, he's disgusting. No, nothing with an animal. No, absolutely not. Nothing with an animal. He's a thing. He's a thing. He's a thing. He's a thing.

Ever. Wasn't that funny? That was funny. There you go. But that wasn't funny. Well, fuck, he's not a fucking comedian. Well, what you're going to do is you're going to make everybody gunshot.

If fucking take a big swing and a, everybody has a swing and a miss. Oh no, no, no, they're gonna like, tweet and send in all kinds of crazy dilemmas now. Which it actually should be kind of fun. I just don't like it when they just don't make any sense and there's like a game. I actually just gave you a hacky one

because they're always sexual. So like, I, because when we were doing the dilemmas, what happens is just became, it just kept going sex. Would you rather fuck your mom or fuck your dad? It's like, Jesus Christ. It's like, watch one of those Comedy Central Roasts where by the time you get up, if you're like ninth on one of the thing, the level of mean you have to be,

especially because all of those fucking roasts, so many of them were just like the comics roasting the person didn't know them, so they didn't have any personal stories, so it was just, you know, everybody had a child on the same stake. But what are these dilemmas, or would you rather scenarios, like what are these things attempting to prove? Like, yeah, if someone's like, would you rather have sex with your boss, that's just just funny. I was supposed to be like, would you rather have sex with your boss? It's just funny.

I was supposed to be like, I'm looking too much into it. Alright. Fair enough. Oh, Jack, would you rather watch dishes at Denys? Or wipe the syrup off the tables at IHOP? Serapop the tables. Third shift for a year. Wait, you can't add things on after I answer the question.

Oh, it's a can. No, all right. No, no, no. You're going to like the answer now. I'm opening the answer now. What? You got to wipe this syrup off the fucking tables. Third shift.

Third shift when all the drunks come in, there's the fights when the YouTube videos get made. Mm-hmm. Or Denny's, you got the afternoon shift from two to five. I just got to wash all these fucking plates, but they're left over they're left over From the morning and the lunch rush wipe off the tables, but you're done two to five two to five Or you got to work a full fucking eight hours you come in at 10 o'clock at night and you've done it six in the morning If but all I have to do is wipe down tables. Yeah, wipe down tables. And then the other option is for eight fucking hours,

or you just wash dishes for three hours. And you have your whole fucking morning to yourself and the whole night. Okay, I may have to, all right, I might have to change that then. I don't know, it's a lot of fucking dishes that I have. No, it's Denny. It's a lot of dried syrup. You know what I mean? Catch up in all that shit. Yeah people you have to like scrape off the plates first to and all that shit

You know like the bus boys. They just put down the You wait you wait three months anyway. You got to clean out the fucking grease trap That's something you'll never forget. Um, no I'm sticking with the wiping down the tables because I can kind of have fun I can like chat with people. I don't wanna stand back there for three hours. And people, like I've seen people blow their nose and like put the napkin like on the plate and all kinds of disgusting shit.

Like I'm not touching that. I'll wipe, put on a pair of gloves and I'll wipe down the table, spray some fucking antiseptic or whatever, disinfect it. And you get home at six, you leave at six, you get home at seven in the fucking morning, you're so fucking wired, you can't go to bed until 10 a 8 And then you fucking sleep until what three four o'clock in the afternoon

Then you got to go back in at 10. It's just you have no fucking life. You're like one of those like that guy who was in the pop-aratsing movie Hey, I'm gonna take your picture and then kill my friend and then kill my friend. Yeah. I love what you talk about movies. And actors and I take a picture and kill my friends. I love that movie too. Wasn't I called Paparazzi? No, Colonel Nightmares.

Was that, um, oh, did I have Cole Hauser in it? No, that was, it was, it was, it was the one it was the it was the um it was one with goring East East and if it's like that tennis player. Oh, what else crazy Jake Jellin Hall. Oh, Jake Jellin Hall. Yeah, night night stalker night crawler. Night crawler. You were you were describing night crawler this whole time. Yeah, I'm gonna take a picture and I'm gonna kill my friend. What did you think I was talking about? You did describe night crawler.

Single white female. I thought there was a movie called Paparazzi, like a real movie called Paparazzi. Oh yeah. Wasn't there? It was Cole. How's the Cole house there? Okay. Okay.

Alright, is a deal. Would you rather get slapped in the face by coal house or... Or have the spaghetti old guy give you a hug naked? Slap in the face by coal house there. I love cold houses. Yeah, I would love to let him slap you and it's gonna end up on you too. Because I feel like I might lead to something else. On one of those, you know, I'm so tired of him giving shit that you said that I'm gonna fuck.

She's all yours, Cole. I had to deal with this fucking thing. Or have the naked guy from seven get me a hug. These are good. No, because if you actually chose the hug, then I was gonna add while he softly wept into the nape of your neck. Okay.

All right, I have to ask you one now. Oh, Jesus. Okay, would you rather take an etiquette class with Martha Stewart? Martha Stewart. I was trying to think of things that I had. I hang with her in a second. Or would you rather... Hey, Martha, what was it like when you went to jail?

Or would you rather do a dance recital with Ellen DeGeneres? Oh my god, no no fucking there's no there's not even a you wouldn't want to do a dance recital with Ellen You rather sit through an etiquette clap Martha Stewart. No, I can't with Martha Stewart too. I can't watch Ellen dance with her crowd. I can't watch her do with it because because I know she's a fucking stand up comic. Yeah. And maybe she did it a couple times because she thought it was fun. And now they expected to do it, right? Now she has to do it. And now she's good people coming up to her in restaurants. Like, I love to dance to Ellen. Oh, yeah. She probably hates it. Yeah, and probably thinks about murder suicides every fucking time it happens. I see it in a

rice. I watch that a part of me dies. Part of my soul fucking dies when I every time I watch her fucking do that. It's just like it's you a show. You don't have to do that. Would you rather be grilled about your comedy by Oprah Winfrey or the or or or or just as guest host on the view. What's the all the view is the yes. Oh, I could have fun with whoopee and I think is Rosie Perez is on there now. I would have so much fun in the view. I would just keep bringing up feminist things and just say I don't understand what the problem is just to see how mad I could make Joey Behar. She's not on there anymore or is she? I don't know. I don't know. I would just I would just act like a fucking idiot. Maybe I can't. No, I'm just asking. Would you rather go on the road with a guy

Fieri eating all the food and just doing all that with him? Get a sunburn and that car. Or would you? I'm already out. Because I wouldn't want to get in the car with him afterwards and hear what he says about all of us. Jesus Christ that fucking suck man. And be careful what you wish for. I thought this is going to be fucking fun. I mean, I know I make money and everything, but if I eat one more fucking sloppy joke, I swear to God, would you rather dress up like Mario Batali and like, you

know, go to book signings with him as like a little comedic relief. Hey, is my mini me? Yeah, your, your, your, his mini me. Oh, because that's tied into me as a comedian, I have to get sunburned with Guy Fieri. I just fuck with him the whole time. Just subtly. Guy, I mean, I'm not, I wanted to talk about hair or anything, but, you know, it's a very loose.

Can you stop wearing your sunglasses on the back of your head? I know that was cool. Why does he do that? What is the point of that? He's part of that generation that got the barbed wire tattoo on your arm. Doesn't he look like he was in that band? What's that one? I'm, hey, now your rock star, get your game on, go play or whatever.

Oh, that. Please. What is the name of that group? Smash mouth. Smash mouth. your rock song, get your game on, go play or whatever. Oh, that please. What is the name of that group? Smash mouth. Smash mouth. Wings, wings, wings. He looks like he should be in Smash mouth or are they the same ones that sang,

mad is well be walking on the side. And being a wimp, wimp, wimp. Yeah. Or like, who bestank or something like that. Who bestank? Who bestank is not the same. What is this not? Didn't they sing the reason?

I think I like that song. I don't know, near. I have no idea. I don't know anything about that whole time during music. I'm just doing stand-ups so much. I have no idea who who was saying three marry four. Blink 182, I know who they are. I like them.

I don't know why everybody shits on Travis Sparcher as a fucking drummer. He's an incredible drummer. He's a fucking great drummer Never he's just fucking lame. I don't I don't know what it was it was was there was a lot of young kids that thought he was the greatest fucking drummer Because he was playing even a pop band so they just knew who he was right So then all of a sudden because they thought he was the greatest it's all the sudden Travis Barker said he was better than John Bonham, which he never did. So, he got the drummer from Nine Injnails. Sorry to interrupt. Oh, yes, yes, please.

How about we met the drummer from Nine Injnails and his lovely girlfriend, Carody English, who I got to meet. Hey, you name dropping all over the fuck. Who, if you watched Cycle Seven of America's Next Top Model, she won. I'm sorry, I'm girling, nerding out right model she won. I'm sorry. I'm I'm girling nerding out right now. All right, you know, we're going way over. We got it early

fuck. Oh, I know. We're going tomorrow. All right. All right. Nia, would you rather? All right. I got to come up with a good one here. Would you rather? And on a good one. Uh, flying a plane around the world. It's a fucking one of those old propeller ones. Will you sit in the back with the single seat right next to the bathroom? And it already smells before it takes off. Would you rather do that? Or, oh, Jesus, how do I top that one?

Would you rather do that? Or, I got nothing. It's too fucking late. Oh Jesus, how do I top that one? Would you rather do that or? I got nothing it's too fucking late. Oh, Jesus, don't fucking close like this Now I'm just taking it doing someone a train fly around so fly around the world and like the worst seat on the airplane Yeah, I mean, I've seen anything it's gonna it's gonna take you like fucking four days to do it. Okay. You gonna do that or laying a nice comfy bed and watch American greed. Laying a nice comfy bed and watch American greed. Let's fucking do that. Alright, go fuck yourselves, Waterfalls, all to be heard All the three thorns

Sit on the sun Bound my gravel thorns The fire burns Enjoy the moment Tell me it's only me Try not to feel myself Tell me it's only you Try not to fear yourself

It's all means trying to out-to-feel myself 1.5% 1.5% 1.5% 1.5% 1.5% 1.5% 1.5% 1.5% 1.5% 1.5%

1.5% 1.5% 1.5% 1.5% you you