Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-21

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

Bill rambles about falcons in Jersey, bootlegs, and playoffs. 

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What's going on, everybody? I hope you're doing well and all of that shit. Um, I am not doing well. I'm doing well mentally by fucking... I'm out of shape. I'm out of shape and it fucking stops right now. It was a birthday party last night, right? And I was at it and my wife's like, Oh my God, this light in the car is great for us. You know, let's take a picture. Took a picture and my fucking stomach was just sitting in my lap. You know, like a big fat fucking toad. I've had it. So, you know, this is just this time of year where there's just a bunch of friends

and everybody have like fucking birthdays and I have a birthday. So it's just like every other day I'm having a piece of cake and I'm just fucking too old to do it. It's just, it's just such a crime. How hard you have to fucking work to lose weight versus how quickly you can put it on. I mean, to do it right, to keep it off. If you wanted to drop 20 pounds, say whatever, a pound a week, two pounds a week, you're talking anywhere from three to six fucking months. Dude, you could put 20 fucking pounds on on a vacation. Okay, you know, I heard, you know, gonna join myself, but I'm out here.

I mean, what's vacation for, right? The whole vacation, your fucking belt keeps sliding over another notch, you know, and you got three days left and you just disgusted with yourself. You decide to go for a walk, right? And those fucking seagulls are hovering over you as you go down the boardwalk because they're like, look at this fat bastard. He doesn't have food now. He's going to have some soon, right? I think, I think we got ourselves a good league. Glenn, Gary, Glenn Ross, let's part,

let's follow this fucking pasty fat self. He's gonna be in the sun long. By the way, I fucking hate seagulls, man. Fucking aggressive motherfuckers coming down on old ladies French fries on the boardwalk. Right. I thought this, I thought this country was against that type of behavior. Terrorism, you know, is it because they're white birds? They can get away with it. Oh, geez, he's becoming too woke. I saw somewhere, I think it was Jersey.

They actually brought some fucking Falcons in. You know, a couple of Bob Proberts, the rest of his soul, came in there to fucking, you know, settle things down a little bit. These things were coming in. What seagulls had at the beach in Jersey was what a certain group of people have had for too fucking long is unchecked power. And I don't give a fuck if it's a human being or a bird. Nobody can handle unchecked power. Very few. You're going to do something.

It's going to be too easy, right? These fucking birds, right? They got their fucking infinity pools. They got their hooves, right? They can just fucking bang another seagull. They don't have to look over their shoulder. So what does Jersey do? They bring it, he just brought a couple of Falcons in and these fucking seagulls all started screaming like little bitches, warning each other. Oh, shit.

There's a falcon around. It's going to do to us what the fuck we've been doing to other people. It was a bird of color. Holy shit. The big fear of these white birds is another fucking bird's going to come in and do to them what they've been doing to others. Oh, look at there it is, everybody. Wrap it up in a bow. I've been watching these fucking seagulls, right?

And they fucking over in Europe, there's one, there's an island and there's all of these fucking rabbits and these goddamn seagulls if they can catch one, they swing it around by its neck and then they just swallow it whole. The thankless life of a rabbit. Or just pray. You are pray. Why do they call it pray? Is it P-R-A-Y? No, P-R-E-Y.

That your only hope is that it's just, it's going to happen and your only hope is that it's not going to be you. That's like that giant fat fucking lizard I saw out here. Big fat lizard, I mean this thing, little gecko, right? This is the biggest gecko I'd ever seen. I put it on my Instagram page, right? I think I can post about that and not get in trouble, you know? Is this really the time for a white man to be telling this lizard story?

Ah, the lizard was in my backyard. But why is it your backyard? Isn't it really Native American's backyard? Well, where do you live? That's not part of the narrative. Where I live is not part of the narrative. Anyway, this fucking lizard was so goddamn big. I like took a step, I opened my door and it was sitting right there.

This thing wasn't fat, it was fucking jacked and I was just looking and marveled at this thing. Like, how did you, as prey, get this fucking old and this goddamn big? And I actually read because their food supply is dwindling, they start to eat each other, eating each other. So anyway, kind of, you know, I filmed the thing and I left it alone. And the next day, you know, I was cleaning up my garage and I picked up this ladder that I had on the floor

and there the thing was, sitting there again, showing it to my daughter. She was like, whoa, that's a really big one. Her new thing is, really? That's my favorite thing. All right, buddy, I can't take you to the park today, but tomorrow after school, I'll take you to the park. She just goes, really? She's hilarious. She told me yesterday, two days ago,

she told me, you broke my heart. I was like, oh my god, we were playing this board game and she just was, I don't know, she was tired or whatever. She was throwing the pieces and I keep picking them up and I was like, sweetheart, stop throwing the pieces, all right? And then she'd be like, you're not being nice to me. I'm not the one throwing the pieces around the room, all right? Stop doing that. You do that again, the game's over, right?

So we're playing and playing and playing. And at one point she just, I don't know what. She started acting like Joe Pesci in that blackjack scene in Casino, right? Minus all the cursing, right? And she just cleared the table of the stuff and I didn't say anything. I just picked up the pieces. I started putting them in the bag. She clocked what I was doing. She's like, dad, what are you doing? I was like, the game's over.

And then she just burst into tears. I know, crying and all that. I go, I told you not to do it. And you went ahead and did it, right? I had to go miss the blonde here. They had it done. What I told them not to do, right? Then she comes over.

I want you to hug me. Whatever makes me feel better. So I'm hugging her and she was like crying. She goes, dad, you broke my heart. It was like three gangster movies. That was Godfather 2. She freighted me. I just told her, I said, listen, we're going to play again.

We're just going to do it tomorrow night. You just have to understand that I'm not going to sit here picking up all these pieces as you're acting like a crazy person. You know, and I had agreed to play two games. That and shoots and ladders, right? And then AC DC fans. If you ever listened to Sin City, Bond Scott during the breakdown goes ladders and snakes ladders give snakes take. I'm like, I never really thought about that.

I didn't know what it was, but that is, as I learned on this podcast, shoots and ladders down in Australia is called ladders and snakes. Right. But for whatever reason, the toy makers here are like, oh, we don't have snakes and freak people out. And, you know, the snake was in the garden of Eden. I'm sure with some religious fucking weirdo reason, you know, as we commit genocide and, you know, have no problem with slavery. We can't have a snake on a child's, a child's board game, right? So they changed it to shoots and ladders, little AC DC trivia there, which, by the way, I found this great bootleg of AC DC in 1978. WBCN, the great rock station, no longer around. But what a station that was.

They had, they went down and recorded AC DC live at the Paradise, which I don't even know if that club still exists. It was this amazing rock club like you two played their first either US show or on their first tour. They played their first time they played Boston. They played the Paradise, like the amount of bands, the police, you two, AC DC, all these bands before they got big. That was the spot where they played. So there's this great live recording because it's a radio recording. It's phenomenal. I was listening to that on some website.

It just, you know, where was it eating fucking cake, like a fat fucking bastard. So, but what I did the other day, because I'm already turning the ship around was I just decided I was like, all right, you know what? It's five o'clock. I just had a little dinner. I'm done until tomorrow. And that when you do that, it's kind of hard the first night, but it kind of resets all your levels and you're not chasing some sugar salt shit. That's causing you as, you know, you know, when you're in that bad eating phase and as you're eating, you're like, why am I eating this? I don't want to be doing this.

What the fuck am I doing? And you're still just shoving it down your throat, swallowing it whole like one of those goddamn fucking seagulls. So, yeah, so I kind of broke that. But, you know, it's my son's first birthday and I have to make him a cake. I just have to. That's my thing. Because my wife was just like, well, you know, we got all this cake from these other people's birthdays and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, honey, this is my thing.

Okay, no matter what I do. Okay, I have to. This is my thing. So they will say every year he made me on my birthday, my dad made me a homemade cake. You know, you got at some point you have to have you got to build your brand. The I got you, I love you. And despite, you know, me putting away the board game and you saying you broke my heart. The man makes me a cake.

So I know where I stand with this guy, you know, it's a statement. So I got to do that today. You know, because I don't have time to do it on the old birthday there. So I got to knock it out today. Oh, the flowers going to be flying. So anywho, let's talk a little NHL hockey. Let's talk about the inverse of the NBA playoffs where you have competition. Fucking NHL playoffs have been amazing.

Right out of the gate. I have to give a shout out to Toronto Maple Leaf fans. Okay, and I'm going to tell you that nobody has more heart than Toronto Maple Leaf fans. Okay, I can tell you right now if the Toronto Maple, if the Montreal Canadiens did what the fucking Maple Leafs have done to their fan base over the last 54 fucking years. Okay, you would have no problem getting a ticket in Montreal and I can even say that in Boston, you would have no problem getting a ticket. You cannot get a ticket to a fucking Leafs game. You just cannot. I used to have hiccups on the NHL radio.

I had hiccups in people who worked for the NHL and they were like, not even we can get tickets. You have to go scalp a ticket and, you know, me and Verzi standing out there, the cold had to go scalp a fucking ticket. Or you might have gone through my buddy Bruce of Bruce Hills just for laughs. I think we went through him to try to get to somebody. It was like trying to get a sit down with a fucking mob boss. And the fact that you would think that they were doing the inverse of what they were doing, how hard it is to get a ticket. And every fucking year they get into the playoffs and there's so many people go into the game. There's an overflow of fans standing outside on a grassy knoll.

Watching their Leafs, Leafs pushing them on, trying to get them to end whatever the fuck is going on up there. And once again, the fucking Leafs, they blow a 3-1 lead. Not only they blow it, they blow it, they blew it to the fucking Montreal Canadians. The most pompous, arrogant ass fan base you're ever going to meet. It's still like Yankee fans and they're French. There's no talking to those people. Yeah, they gave it up in their own end in Game 5 and Game 6 and over time. I'm going to get through this quickly out of respect for Leafs fans.

And then they just didn't even show up for Game 7. It's just, I'm fucking forgive. I don't even know what the fuck was going on. And they fucking blew it again. If they beat the Montreal Canadians, I mean that in a lot of ways would have been as good as a winning a cup just to shut those fucking arrogant assholes up. I mean, you're talking about fans that are so fucking arrogant. They booed Patrick Waugh out of the city. That's how arrogant they were because they thought their next Ken...

Oh, we'll get another Ken Dryden. We'll get another Patrick Waugh. We'll get a Rocket Richard with a fucking Canadian. Do you know who we are? Yeah. 1993, what, 1995? Whenever the fuck that happened? 1994?

It was 95, I think. Because I believe Patrick went and literally won this first year out in Colorado. I think like their fan base was like an old celebrity. They were just completely out of touch with where they were in... They were like a celebrity that made it on their looks. And they still thought that they were the hottest fucking chick in town and they didn't realize that they were 20 years past their fucking prime. Not quite 20, I'd say 15 or 16, that the league had changed. There was all of these teams, all of this competition and their whole mystique that they were just going to get put on the power play at the end of every game if they were down.

And their fan base could like intimidate the refs into doing that shit. It just was fucking over and they didn't realize it. They didn't realize it. You know, it's like me when I watch the NBA that I don't realize that no matter how much I complain that I am not watching competition anymore, this is what it is now. That if you want to win a title, you know, more times than not, say three out of five titles or four out of five titles that you're going to see every half decade are going to be purchased at this point. You know, I'll just say the Bruins Islanders series, the first game was a little lopsided, but that game too was fucking amazing. Fucking amazing. And I know it's amazing because I aged like fucking three years watching it.

And then when we lost in overtime, I literally was like, why do I care about sports? That's how much it fucking hurt. So the exact inverse when I'm watching my Celtics playing the Brooklyn Nets, I mean, it was a joke. Other than that, what would we win? Game three? Other than that game. It's like the game was over by the second quarter. There was no drama. There was like no nothing. And then what I love is the fucking idiots on these sports trails have to keep selling the game to me like I'm watching competition.

Going James Harden at 18 assists last night. Oh my God. It's just like how I could have had nine. All I needed to look up was a black jersey. I had like a 50-50 chance. I was throwing to a Hall of Famer. I mean, it was fucking, it was fucking ridiculous, astoundingly boring. And I have to tell you my team lost and it didn't even hurt.

It was so fucking stupid. The whole thing was so fucking such a farce of actual competition and an actual fucking game. The NBA has become like a bad summer Hollywood movie. Well, you know those movies where it's just like, oh, you know, you got the superstar celebrity. You know, they're not dying. Well, you know, whatever problem, whatever gimmick is going, you know, they're going to solve it. You know, in the end, everybody's going to be fucking safe. That's it.

Maybe one person gets killed in the movie. And in the NBA, that's the equivalent of you blow out your Achilles or a fucking ACL. But in the end, you know who's going to win. You know who's going to win. So I don't know why the NBA is the way it is, but it is the stupidest, these stupid fucking pile on teams. And I know I always have to say this. The Celtics had one in 2008. It's fucking stupid.

These are not like, I mean, technically they're championships. I don't know what, you know, I don't know what to tell you. And for some reason fans say to me, well, the Celtics did it too. And then I go, I know, and that wasn't right. And it's like, yeah, but you guys did it too. Like they don't give a fuck. It's the weirdest thing. It's like, I guess NBA fans like a rigged game.

It's a fucking shame, man. Because when you really look at, if you looked at the Oklahoma City thunder is they drafted, you know, they drafted those big threes. They drafted those guys. Oh, wait, no, yeah, yeah, they did it because I'm saying, wait a minute, they got KD from Seattle. I forgot Seattle moved. So it's really the Sonics and the Thunder drafted that team that, you know, back in the day would have stayed together and I think would have won a title. And as said, that whole team just fucking breaks up and just piles on elsewhere, trying to make it work. And then they all reconvened.

I mean, I'm not saying it always fucking works, but just because it doesn't always work doesn't mean it's good for the league. And I know I'm just, I'm starting to sound like fucking Lenny Bruce here just reading my fucking trials papers. But that fucking Celtics Brooklyn series was the most boring thing I ever watched. Even when we were winning that game and Jason Tatum, we won game three. It was just like, you already knew it was, it was over. They just had too many fucking superstars on one team. Boring as shit is all I can tell you. National Boring Association.

All right, let's fucking plow ahead. Did I talk about everything that I kind of had to talk about? Oh, let's talk a fucking Winnipeg Jets versus the Montreal Canadians. So you guys all know I fucking hate the Canadians, right? Not even the Canadians. I mean, I really like the franchise. I just can't stand their fucking fan base. You know what I mean?

They're like the socials in, what was that fucking movie speaking to Oklahoma where they shot it? Oh my God, I can't believe I fucking thinking the wild bunch. It's not what it was called. It was the cowboy movie. The fuck was the name of that movie had Tom Cruise, Patrick Swayze, Matt Dillon. Eogridge Boys. What the fuck was the name of that? I don't fucking know.

Anyway, plowing ahead. Greases and the socios. This is going to Diane Lane. This is going to fucking kill me. Emilio Estevez. Estevez. Who else was in that movie? Ralph Machio.

Leif Garrett. Can name the whole fucking cast. The Outsiders. There we go. Yeah, Canadian fans. They like the socios in the movie The Outsiders. So anyway, I'm watching the pregame yesterday of the Canadians versus the Winnipeg Jets. And the guy in, and everybody's telling me, I don't worry, Bill, the Winnipeg Jets, they're going to fucking, they're going to mop the floor with these Canadians, right?

And then I watch the pregame, and one of the pregame analysis guys goes, you know, the Montreal Canadiens are a pesky team. And I immediately cracked up like, that is not a fucking compliment. Hey, geez, you guys are sort of bothersome. Pesky, annoying, like some little kid, precocious kid talking as you're trying to fucking put together a toy or some shit. So as a Bruins fan, oh, I'm like, oh, good. So, because I don't know anything about the Canadian teams, because I didn't see any of them this year. I was just watching whatever fucking division we were in, and I was like, oh, good. Pesky is good.

Pesky means they're not going to win this series. And then the fucking game starts, and I swear to God, it was too nothing before Winnipeg even knew that the second round had even begun. I mean, the first goal was a good goal, that second goal. There was like two, three guys standing in front of them that just walked, watching the guy in the Canadians walk the puck in. Like you guys aren't going to do anything. All right, there you go. Right there, Fred, two nothing. Then Winnipeg's like, oh, I guess we should start trying.

What do you think, fellas? You guys all warmed up. It's two nothing. And they got a goal, made it two to one. And then the Canadians was at Suzuki came back with a sweet goal. I don't know what the fucking goal 10 was doing. The fucking defenseman was playing the fucking pass. He just fucking, I don't know what happened.

Suzuki, I mean, it wasn't two on one, but he should have played the puck. That's what I would have done in the pickup league that I'm not in. And it was like three, one, and then two seconds later became four one, but they disallowed the goal. And then that was it. That was fucking it. And your Montreal Canadians are now up one game to none. And Canadian fans are already chirping going, we want Boston, right? They're already giving me shit.

And it's just like, yeah, dude, we're not afraid of you guys. We've had wonderful success against you guys in the playoffs since the late eights. Once again, the old fucking celebrity. Still thinking that they're the hot shit on the block. You don't have the mystique you used to have, but you still have the country fans. And that's why I root so hard against them. It's not even about the fucking abs. Because once again, it gets to the point of like, all right, if they win the cup, what do I give a fuck?

We're like 90 cups behind it. We're never going to catch them. It doesn't fucking matter. But what does matter? What does matter to me is that they're coming up on 30 years of no cup. Okay, and they need Tarantino right now to write a pulp fiction and give them the John Travolta part so they can get out on the fucking dance floor one more time. That's what they're looking for. So I'm going to be watching that series.

I mean, I don't know who's going to put the Canadians to bed. I don't think they have it this year. So I'm not worried about that shit. And the Bruins, I say we got a maybe a 50 50 chance. I know a lot of people, hey, dude, you guys are going to be fucking. It's like, well, you know, the Islanders are no slouch. You know, I've watched a little bit of the avalanche. They're fucking terrifying Tampa Bay's defending champions.

So I would say that we if I had to like the little that I've seen because I just kind of watched Bruins games when I could this year. I feel like we're as far as chances of winning it as we are a distant third. I think there's a there's a definite gap between what we got going on in Tampa Bay and then a bigger one with with the avalanche who just seemed like fucking world beaters here. So anyway, that's my fucking NHL take and have fans. I don't really hate you as much as I say. I don't give a fuck. It's just fun to tease you because you are arrogant assholes. So it's just fun to let you know, remind you every once in a while that nobody gives a fuck about the fucking 10 Stanley Cups you won when they were still playing pond hockey during World War One.

You know, I'm not going to be a douche. You know, from the 1940s on, I mean, I respect all of that shit. But you know, those other ones, the Montreal Canadiens beat the 23 Skadoos, you know, and every sport has that. Every sport has that. All right. Anyway, plowing ahead. But every other sport counts. But in a NFL doesn't Jesus Bell, you're going to make bring up your same fucking nine sports arguments.

Maybe I will. Maybe I will. It's my podcast. So that's it. I got a birthday coming up here. So I am going to drop a few pounds this week. That's my gift to myself because I'm going to live my best life. She's living her best life.

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You know, the way I look at Montreal Canadian fans, I've met a lot of people that work in sweatshops, view everybody in my country like that, as we're walking around. I'm living my best life wearing shoulder to this shit. Somebody making 30 cents a fucking month. Oh, Jesus, Bill, can you just stop bringing up the woes of the world? All right, sorry. Maybe I'm in a little bad mood because, you know, I was trying to be a good parent and then my kid tells me that it broke her heart.

Anyway, that is the deal. I was going to bring something else up, but I don't want to do it because people died. Yeah, let's not do that. Let's wait a while. I'll wait a while on that one. I will wait a while on that one. And I can tell you, I'm really into baseball this year. I don't know what it is for some reason. I think just because I know my life's going to get really busy again.

I just love the pace of a baseball game. Or maybe because I'm fucking old. I don't know what it is, but I just really been getting into it. Well, I will, I, in between periods, I like go to the MLB network or something. And I just find a fucking game because I thought I had the MLB package. They keep, they keep giving it, you know, giving me free samples like a drug dealer. And, uh, I don't know. I don't know how to fucking order the thing over your phone or whatever on the screen.

I try to do it and I just fuck it up every time. So I keep telling my wife, can you do this? And she's like, oh God, you know, um, so she, which is really fucked up because I started watching the Real Housewives with her. I just finally gave into it. It's like, can you fucking hook me up here? You know, would it, would it, would it, would it, would it kill you? To come my way just a little bit.

You know what the worst thing is, is she does like one sport. She likes hoop and the NBA, which I still believe in. I believe they're going to come out of this stupid, ridiculous period that they're in right now. You know, at least when baseball was in a bad era, there was like steroids. You know, so you just watch these guys coming up there like fucking gorillas. I mean, I didn't like the, uh, those $200 million, $190 million Red Sox Yankee teams going back and forth. I didn't like that either. I liked when we beat them, but I, you know, the back of my head.

I mean, how excited could I be when we fucking went up against the Colorado Rockies? Um, take that, man. Um, I did enjoy the steroid era. I don't know if that's a popular opinion or whatever. I enjoyed the hell out of Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire smashing the ball over the fucking fence. Um, I enjoyed watching Barry Bonds do it. You know, and to this day is, oh, this is just going to be all bills, old sports arguments that nobody cares about. I will, I said this fucking 20 years ago and I maintained it until today.

Barry Bonds was a victim of the steroid era. I think everybody knew what was going on, but everyone was making money. I think even the press looked the other way, right? And Barry Bonds was the guy and then everybody else cheated and then they became the guy. And next thing you knew, the president was congratulating Sosa and McGuire. And then I think Barry Bonds was just like, all right, is this how the games played? This is me on steroids. There's 73 mark chip, right?

So I didn't have a problem with that. And then when then they did the usual, they did the tour de France thing. Tour de France made all that money off of fucking Lance Armstrong. And in the end, when they pretended like they were disgusted by the cheating in that fucking sport, it's like the whole fucking race. Everybody tested positive. Everybody tested positive. Anyone who tested positive got fucking shamed by the sport and then all those cunts that ran it kept all their money. Didn't keep the riders money, but I'm saying all the money they made off of those guys doing what the fuck they were doing.

They kept all the fuck. I didn't see them giving it back when they were going after Lance's money and shit. I didn't see the people that made money off of Lance going, yeah, this was disgusting. This is dirty money. We need to give this to, you know, our favorite charity. They kept their fucking money. And anyway, he's dirty. He's dirty over here.

We're fucking clean. So, I guess what I'm saying to you is I am a filthy sports fan that watch a lot of fucking bad shit go down and I enjoyed it. All right. I enjoyed watching the Houston Astros. Bang it on that fucking trash can. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. I didn't even know that a fan was like someone that figured it out.

Now that's a hardcore fucking fan that that person figured it out before MLB figured it out. I fucking enjoyed that. You know, I really did. I enjoyed that. I don't have a problem with anything the Patriots did. I feel a lot of that was just fucking trumped up charges. I mean, come on. All you all out of all the bullshit.

They said, what do you got us? You got us one game filming the opposing coach was illegal game one of a regular season. The fuck out of here. You know, what else? What else did I enjoy? I enjoyed every cork bat. I love a cork bat. I love a pitcher that has like fucking every condiment.

Yeah, I'd love to fill Negro in those guys. Gay Lord Perry back in the day. I thought that shit was hilarious. I love that guy in the Yankees who had the big fucking, the shiny Vaseline or whatever he had on the side of his neck. I love that dude that had the fucking nail file. And he tried to do like, I ain't got nothing. And it just fucking flew out. And that umpire saw it.

I love all of that shit. Um, and I love the steroids era. However, I draw the line. Cause to me, that's all just nitpicky horseshit. You know, except for the, you know, I didn't enjoy the, uh, you know, two teams with all the fucking money in baseball, buying up all the free agents the same way I don't like it in the NBA. That's my only fucking thing.

But if there's going to be somebody occasionally coming up with like a cork bat or too much pintar in the bat, that shit's funny. It's part of the fucking game. You know, there's holding on every play fucking whatever. I don't give a shit. And you know, and if guys are going to come up on steroids. Okay. And smash the ball through the back of a fucking dome stadium. I mean, I, I can't, I can't lie to you and say that I, that, that wasn't fun to watch.

Dude, I saw fucking Mark McGuire take batting practice in 1998 down at the old ballpark was like fucking Qualcomm, whatever the hell it was called. The fucking stadium was three quarters full for his batting practice. And this guy put on a fucking show. Dude, I felt like I was at Russell WrestleMania watching this guy's hitting this guy hitting fucking lasers out there. So whatever. If you guys want to call me a hypocrite that I shouldn't not come down on the NBA, then God damn it. Guilty as charged. All right.

That's the podcast. I got the hiccups again. Fucking eating bad. Go fuck yourselves. And I will check on Thursday. One, two, three, four. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr.

And it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 3rd, 2013 in the year of our Lord Yahweh Jesus Christ. And friends, as we look at one another this week and give thanks. Is there anything fucking worse than that long winded guy up there when his Anderson little suit? You know, that guy wasn't a priest, but he might as well have been that Flanders dude just coming up and speaking, reading the first two stories. The first reading is from the book of Corinthians. And I, you know what? I can't even fucking, I can't even, I was just going to start doing some dumb story. And I so didn't listen in church.

I can't even do it. I just remember just, this is from the book of the Corinthians. Paul and John, like fucking 10 minutes later. And they were just like something like this is the word of the Lord. Thanks be to God. Did you like that story? Cause I got another one. Right.

And then he fucking rips off another one. And he does fucking sitting there. All right. All right. What happens here? Is there a leper? Is there a hooker? What's going on?

Right. And they get to that one and praise me to the guy with the thing. Right. And then the fucking, so that's like your, your, that he was like the opener. And then the priest comes down and we all got to stand up cause he's so fucking important. Right. And he says a couple of things. You know, this is the gospel of Lord.

And then I got to sit down and listen to your fucking take on this guy. You guys already know how I feel. You know how I feel. Do you know how I feel? Sorry. I'm all over the place. Can you feel, can you feel the stress? I have to get this fucking podcast done.

And I have to immediately upload the thing and I'm not going to make it. I got something at one 30. And of course I just get a text message. Did you get the email about the, the new location of the meeting? Yeah. It's going to be 60 miles further in a country direction as compared to where you're at. I love that shit. Did you get the email?

Why don't you fucking call me and just tell me. I said, you know what, an email is, it's like, that's like a, a, I don't know. It's not whispering, but it's, it's a secret. You just leaving a note, you know, somewhere in the vicinity of my fucking life. Is it vicinity or vicinity? I think it's vicinity. So start with a V or an F. Oh, Bill, can you, okay.

There you go. And you know something, if you listen to the rest of this podcast, that was a legitimate question for me. All right. Now, if you listen to the rest of this, this is on you. Okay. Cause you could tap out right now. Two minutes and 54 seconds in.

Why the level so high? I don't know, Bill. Cause you never got a producer. Well, that's probably why that could be one reason. Um, all right, let's get right out of the gate and let's talk some NHL hockey. Oh, where those Pittsburgh penguins fans talking shit to me on Twitter. Not all of them. Hurry up and beat the Maple Leafs so we can fucking kick you in the kind of the Rangers

whatever, so we can beat you up and all this shit. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. You know, and I'm, and I told you guys, I think the penguins. We're going to win the series. Okay. But these fucking jerk off penguin fans because they got all the fucking pouty lift eagle scout there.

They just think they're going to run over fucking everybody. You know what? Pittsburgh, relax. You're not winning the cup. You know why? Cause I said so because I'm jealous of your fucking team. That's why, but I loved game one. I was, uh, I was actually working at the Borgata in Atlantic city.

I had a, uh, had a great time. Um, thank you to everybody showed up except for that one guy, some angry guy in the back and just kept anything I said. He just in the beginning, he just kept fucking, who gives a fuck, you know, that I'm angry at my dad. Shit. You know, just yelling all this dumb shit. Um, other than that, I had a great time and, um, so anyways, I missed some of the game,

but I was going back and forth, you know, running into the green room, watching it between shows and that type of shit. And, um, or when the, uh, TNL sensation, Joe DeRosa was on stage, I was watching it and, uh, it was funny right at the beginning of the game. I see Matt cook, you know, hitting everybody with his stick and everything. And I mean, I just get this sinking fucking feeling. I'm like, Oh God, the guy, he's literally a fucking monster. I don't know why the dude is still in the league.

It's just, it's unfucking believable. And the second you see the guy, he's got off God. Who's, who's, who's he going to, whose career is he going to try and end tonight? You know, and especially with the history that the Bruins have with the penguins. You know, I told, I told you all that shit. I respect the franchise, the way they get all these unbelievable players, but I just, I don't know why they have guys like that on their fucking team. And this is a sad thing about Matt cook.

That guy is a really good fucking player. If he just plays the fucking game, you could, you could make like 20 YouTube videos, five minutes long of each different shit. All right. Uh, shoulder to the fucking head, just five minutes of those, his boarding ones. That's probably like a 30 minute video. And then like the bonus, like credits extra when you have the bloopers would be him checking that dude and accidentally severing his fucking Achilles tendon, which everybody

viewed as an accident, but I have to be honest with you. I've been watching hockey for 33 fucking years. I've never seen anybody check somebody into the boards and accidentally severed the back. They're fucking Achilles tendon. Not even cut the back of their leg. I've never seen it. I don't know. I don't fucking know.

So he goes out there, takes them all if I don't know what 15 minutes of the first period before he sees somebody where he can see both their numbers, read their whole last name in his street address, and he just slams fucking McQuade into the boards and something unbelievable happened. He actually got kicked out of the fucking game and I loved it. I absolutely fucking loved it. And I hope they continue doing that because it's a selfish way to play the fucking game. To just have no regard for the fact of how hard somebody worked to live their dream to

play professional hockey and you're out there and just, and I'll tell you guys like him, never get their knee blown out off. Sam, you said none of those fucking guys, it never happens to them. I don't know why. And it's just fucking, it's fucking ridiculous. And other than that, I don't have any problem with the penguins. And if you're a penguins fan right now and you're going to fucking send me an email and go, what about?

What is it? Marshawn who fucking had the boarding call. How come you only got two minutes? It's like because he hasn't ended people's careers. Marshawn has a terrible fucking reputation and he got talked to and he also toned down his game. And you know, most of his shit is Ken Linsman type shit, but like that thing where people were coming to check him and he would duck down and take their legs out was a fucking bullshit move, was a punk move.

And I didn't like that one either. And if you said that that guy is a punk piece of shit, I'd understand why you did that. I wouldn't be sitting there, you know, scratching my head in some dumbfounded way. But the amount of fucking penguin fans that sent me emails, like just like defending the fucking guy. It's like, I literally, I get like, it's like walking bikes. When I see Matt cook, it's like a rabid fucking dog. You're like, what's he going to do this game? Is he going to gouge somebody's fucking eye out?

I don't know. I don't know. So I was psyched that they immediately removed him from the game. I don't think he should get suspended, but I understand why he got a game of conduct. And I do believe that if anybody else did it, they just would have got fucking two minutes or whatever the fuck it is, maybe a major because he laid down on the ice for a minute. But you know, it's like that Rashid Wallace thing by the end of Rashid's career. If he stubbed his toe in the locker room, he already came out with the fucking technical for cursing.

So as much as I'm going to enjoy this series, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat praying to God, Matt cook doesn't end another fucking Bruins career. Other than that, I think it's going seven. I think it's going to be an unbelievable fucking series. I think the penguins are going to win tonight because that's how these things go. And then game three will obviously be huge when you go up to the fucking. What else? What are the hockey shit?

I have not watched anything out in the West, but I think the Kings are really overlooked, even though they're down 0 to that team scares the shit out of me just because I watched how they won it last year. And then they seem like when, you know, when they want to flip the switch. And also I wasn't too impressed with Chicago having a fucking three one lead. And then all of a sudden, you know, not being able to finish people off. So we'll see, we will see what happens that ought to get me a bunch of emails. I'm actually doing a gig at Pittsburgh and I would not be surprised if Matt cook. If he hears this shows up to my gig with a hockey stick in full uniform and severs my fucking Achilles.

So there you go. Other than that was fucking great game. I loved how frustrated Crosby got. It was great watching him slash over the fucking slash as he was laying on the ice that made me laugh. I was like, that guy, he's livid. I wanted to see his bottom lip start quivering, you know, big pouty lip. All right. So I'm reading this story today.

Chinese city to find unwed mothers. The Chinese city. They don't even say where it is or maybe they do and I just can't read it and they're going to find unwed mothers. Critics of a plan by Wu Han Wu Han Wu Han Wu Han clan ain't nothing to fuck with Wu Han officials and who bell province. Say a fine of up to 26,000 bucks will lead to more abandoned babies. I don't fuck the old man and a baby. Somebody flushed a baby down the fucking toilet.

I mean, it's just the most fucked up thing. It's so evil. I can't even look at the story. They literally carve out the part of the pipe where they heard this thing. I know this isn't even funny, but like Jesus Christ and you're sitting there going, that thing is so young. Hopefully it won't remember it. But God help that thing. If it ever gets in a crowded elevator one day, I think that that's when it's like 26 or something.

That's when it's going to snap. All of a sudden, you know, get away from me since that's throwing fucking elbows. I can't breathe. So listen to this shit. A Chinese city. Wu Han is planning to find women who have children out of wedlock, a policy which opponents say will lead to more abandoned children. The plan drawn up by family planning officials in Wu Han, the capital of the Hu bell province would target women who knowingly have children out of wedlock as opposed to what unknowingly having a child. You know, you hear it hit the floor like, did somebody hear something?

What was that? Sort of a squishy sound. Who is crying? Sorry. Ah, Jesus. These are baby jokes, people. Baby jokes. Matt Cook would crash check a fucking baby if he could read its entire fucking name on the back of its little scrunchy whatever the fuck you dress a baby in.

Scrunchy. Sorry. I'm under the gun here, people. I'm going to stutter a lot here because I'm looking at the clock as I'm doing this here. Like that guy you want on the foul line with three seconds left and the game's tied. Look at all freckle face sweating out there. Hey, red face, you suck. Clank.

Can you just focus? Fundamentals. Rick Barry. Hey, you freckled cut. Your mother's a whore. Clank. And it's over. We go to overtime.

And I get traded the next year. Chinese state media said the law would help keep the birth rate low and aid family by planning, by planning, by family planning management. The law was announced just days after a newborn baby boy was rescued from a sewage pipe. And I don't, I can't even say what the fuck that is. Reports suggest that the, Nia, was I being, I was that loud, right? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Fuck, we had the window open.

Just yelling. You freckled cunt. I'm yelling basketball shit. She just tippy-toed in and closed the window. By the way, my neighbors hate me. They really hate me. Despite the fact that I'm the, I'm the kind of guy. I'm the type of guy like LL Cool J says that if there's litter outside, even on my street, if some cunt throws a fucking beer bottle and there's glass in the street, I go into my house, grab a broom, dustpan,

and a fucking garbage bag. And I'll walk a full block down the street and clean it up just so my neighbors don't get flat tires. All right. Now, I ask you this, does that balance out screaming you freckled cunt at 1147 in the morning on a Monday? I mean, odds are everybody's at work. People next door selling their house. You know, I had to listen to them with their kids out at their pool yesterday. Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, look what I can do, look what I can do.

That shit, you know? That's good sweetheart. Mommy, mommy, all that shit. Yeah, Bill, but at the end of the day, they're not yelling freckled cunt. I guess freckled isn't bad. It's probably the cunt part. You know, is that a hyphenated word? Can you guys teach me how to spell this week?

All right, so anyways, do you know why there's so many fucking people in China? Because there's no continent. No, I'm kidding. I guess their leader over there told everybody to just have as many kids as possible. So they've become this powerful nation just out of the simple fact of having so many fucking soldiers. All right. So now what do they got over there? Well, how many billions of fucking people over there do they have?

Well, Bill, why didn't you look it up before you did the goddamn podcast instead of, you know, asking us about it. Population of China. Here we go. This is going to be a real half-ass podcast this week, everybody. So why don't you, if you're sitting there in your cubicle, they have 1.344 billion fucking people. Jesus Christ. Oh my God.

Can you fucking imagine that? India has 1.2. India is creeping up on them. Holy shit. Can you imagine being a comedian in India? How many fucking Twitter followers do you have? If you're like the fucking, I don't know, the Kevin Hart of fucking India, you must have 100 billion fucking Twitter followers. 100 million.

Sorry. This is insane. The United States is third, 315 million. Unbelievable. Thank God for nuclear weapons, huh? No wonder we don't want anybody else to have them. It's the only thing that's keeping us in power at this point. Go ahead and fuck with us.

Russia only has 143 million. That's unreal. They got all those fucking guys in the NHL. We got to step up our game. Where the hell's Canada? You know what? This might actually make me like where I'm going to. Germany has 80,000 fucking people.

That's because your country is the size of like a state. How does Ethiopia have more? They're fucking starving. They got 86 million. Germany has 80. Sitting over there with their little shorts on, drinking beer all October. Doesn't make any fucking sense. Okay, let's get down.

I want to live in, you know something? I want to live in a fucking country that has like nobody. Let's get all the way down to it. Let's get down to the lowest populated one. There we go. Piccairn, P-I-T-C-A-I-R-N islands has 66 people. That's too little. That's too little.

That's why you got to have like a beard down to your fucking legs. All right. I don't fucking know. So anyways, they're charging these fucking, who is over there? Every time they have a goddamn big, sluts basically get charged. Sluts are like, you know, skanks get charged 26 grand, which I guess is like three times what they make a year. That's fucking unbelievable.

Can you imagine trying to pass this law over here with all these goddamn Jesus freaks? How much they would freak out? I'm actually, I'm trying to look at this, this type of, this type of news, more so than, you know, all the American shit that I get over here. I'm on this fucking Al Jazeer shit. I know right now, all Americans here, Al Jazeer, they think terrorism. Because the only time we ever see Al Jazeer is when they show fucking those sawn people's heads off videos, but they're actually like, I don't know what they are.

They're like a regular news just for over there. So it's kind of fucking interesting to see their view of it. I'm not saying I agree with it. All right. A week after fucking Memorial Day before you start fucking coming down on me. But anyways, back to the podcast. I want to thank everybody who came up to my shows in Red Bank, in Baltimore, Easton, Pennsylvania and Atlantic City.

I was touring with the Teen Idol sensation from the Open Anthony program, Joe DeRosa and Jesus Christ, we had a fucking great time. I rented a car and we just drove from city to city. And I don't think we had one serious conversation the entire time. Just sitting there laughing our fucking asses off. At one point we were driving from Baltimore to, what the hell were we going up? Up to Easton, Pennsylvania. And for once we weren't hungover.

I think that was the one night we weren't really drinking. And halfway up there, I just started singing hair metal songs. About what an awful comedian Joe DeRosa was. And I got into the third song before I realized that he wasn't enjoying it as much as I was. I think it was during the Bon Jovi living on a prayer. I got to the chorus. I was going, Joe, he's halfway there. Joe.

Right. Just talking about what a hack he was. And I saw a look of pain on his face that was beyond, you're a terrible singer. And I was like, Joe, am I bugging you? He goes, yeah, a little bit. Kind of bugging me there. But I think I have to take a month off from Boozen after that one. Easton, Pennsylvania.

And by the way, a town that everybody fucking made fun of that I was going there. Like, why aren't you going to Philly? I'm actually going to Philly, but it's not going to be till later on this year. And Easton, Pennsylvania was unbelievable. Fucking beautiful town. It was a little sketchy, but they're on the upswing because I was sitting there looking at it. I saw this one guy crossing the street, neck tattoo, crossing the street diagonally. You know, that punk move, fuck traffic.

That guy. And the second I saw that guy, me and Rosa were eating these sandwiches and I'm looking out the window, taking in the town. And I see this guy crossing the street slowly, diagonally with this neck tattoo. You know, not looking clean, not looking dirty. It's the middle of the fucking day on a weekday. Doesn't have a job. And I said, that guy right there, Joe, that guy alone, I would not buy a house in this area.

Just the fact that that guy, every time I go into town to get my provisions, the fact that that motherfucker is going to be crossing the street diagonally with his stupid. I'm a badass neck tattoo. And I'm not saying he couldn't kick the shit out. I mean, I'm sure he could, but that's the type of shit. All right. You want to sell me a house? You want me to move to your neighborhood?

You get rid of all these people fucking crossing the street diagonally. All right. You cross the street in the crosswalk or if you're jaywalking, you have, you have a sense of urgency and courtesy that you're being a bit of a cunt. Right. And this guy wasn't. So right there. I was like, fuck this shit.

So I'm hanging with DeRosa, right? So every time we go to, we got to go to these fucking comic book shops, one of these, these Star Wars posters. Is that an original print? And there's literally some tub of shit. Actually only one show. One fucking giant guy was working. They're just a stereotypical one.

The one we went to, we went to Kevin Smith's, that secret stash one out in a red bag, New Jersey, and that place was the shit. I'm not even gonna lie to you. It was tremendous. It was everything. Most comic book stores aren't, and I'm judging them just by going to them with DeRosa. It was clean. It smelled all right.

You know, they had some decent memorabilia and that type of shit. I don't even mind comic books. It's just like, just every story is like 70 years into it, so I can't jump in anywhere. But I really like the drawings and all that type of stuff, you know? Having superpowers and some hot chick, you fucking bang, and she has no idea about your other life, and she thinks you're cheating on her, but you're actually saving the world. I mean, what is not to like? You know?

But we went to this one in fucking Eastern Pennsylvania, and then we went like two doors down, and there was another one. We came walking, and then we started talking to them about the town, and they actually said it was on the upswing. You know? I looked at their little center of town where they had a little gazebo or some shit, and I guess back in the day, people were openly doing drugs there. So they turned the corner, and we performed at the state theater in Eastern Pennsylvania,

and it was just a fucking awesome show. And then afterwards, we go out to get some Mexican dinner, and I fucking said I was gonna give these people a shout out. Damn it, what the hell is my phone? I actually had some Mexican food that could fuck with the Mexican food out here in LA. You know? And that's saying, it was definitely more, I guess, of Americanized sort of food network kind of thing where they, you know, they switched it up a little bit, but we came in right before

they closed, and they were just like, you know, they recognized Joe DeRosa, you know? I'll tell you, he has that leaf garret fame. It's called Mesa, modern Mexican. That's what it was. They did that shit where they're like, listen, the chef's just gonna cook up some stuff, made this unbelievable burrito, had this other thing with this fucking shrimp in it. It was unbelievable. Did I say unbelievable enough times?

Well, I don't give a fuck, right? So then we go around the corner, and we end up drinking in this Romanian guy, this guy from Romania, a Romanian guy, drinking his bar, and they were literally giving us chalices of fucking Jameson. And I owe them an unbelievable tip because I was so fucking hammered when I left there that I don't remember tipping. And, you know, if somebody's hooking you up with drinks, you should be fucking, you know, laying down the fucking Andrew Jackson's there, and I wasn't.

So that's on my list of shit that I have to do today. I have to find out who the two bartenders were, and I have to tip them out because I forgot because I can only imagine the stories they're telling about me right now. But like, they literally, we sat down and they gave us like two fucking goblets. Now, it looks like a red wine glass. Now, somewhere between a red wine glass and that fucking chalice of beer that they used in the Miller Lite commercials back in the day. And like that wasn't enough, the owner comes in, this Romanian dude, he's a fucking riot,

and he starts lining up shots. And, you know, I'm saying, oh, you're from Romania. That's cool, man. What's Romania like? He's like, it's a piece of shit country. I'm like, nah, come on, man. It's not a piece of shit. It's a fucking piece of shit.

He just kept saying it's a piece of shit country. And I'm like, okay, so it's a little corrupt, but the scenery, there are mountains, some trees that you made that piece of shit. I appreciate you coming down and you don't have to be at the piece of shit country. He just kept saying this country was a piece of shit. Which I haven't even been there and I still disagree. I disagree. I bet the people in power have made it a piece of shit country.

But, you know, come on. You can't tell me there's not some beautiful things there, some beautiful women. You know, there's got to be some fucking rock band over there that you like. The Romanian Ravens or something. I don't fucking know. So anyway, so we go there. We had a great time there. Then we go down to fucking Atlantic City and ran into Chris Porter down there.

Fucking hanging out with him. We just, it was just awesome, man. And I got to watch the Bruins beat the penguins in this fucking brutal series that we're going to have. So I want to thank everybody who came out to all those shows. I'll get back to those things in a minute here. I got to read a little bit of, a little bit of advertising everybody. Listen, no bullshit. As far as I know, it's going to be Father's Day is coming up as far as I remember.

What the fuck is this? Christ, why can't I do this right? Can I ever do it right? Is this it? There we go everybody. Okay, let's start again. Ladies and gentlemen, Father's Day is coming up. It's coming up this Sunday.

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Sorry, forward slash burp. You'll get a free sample of Dr. Carvey's easy shave butter with your first shipment also makes the perfect Father's Day gift. Dollar Shave Club, something you can actually use. All righty. And the last one here in this chunk, I believe. I believe I can fly. Hulu Plus.

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chess right on my phone. And with Hulu Plus, you can binge on full seasons, watch your classic favorite or current shows, and even full series runs on classic TVs. It's endless. Once again, for you people who fly on planes, this is absolutely perfect. You don't have to pay for their BS Wi-Fi and all that crap, or do you? Maybe you do to get to it. I don't know.

It'll help you eat up a flight. Hey, Bill, why don't you stick to the copy? All right. They've got community, modern family, South Park, SNL, Monday Night Raw, The Man Show, Jimmy Kimmel, Family Guy, and more. Feel free to swap out with the show list with some stuff that you like to watch, Bill. Well, I never look at the show list. I'm sorry.

Hulu Plus is only $7.99 per month, but right now they're offering an extended free trial of Hulu Plus that is available for podcast listeners only. Take control of your TV experience. Go to the podcast page at billbird.com. Click on the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial, or go to huluplus.com slash burr. Again, click the Hulu banner on the podcast page, billbird.com, or go to huluplus.com slash burr. All right.

There we go. There we go. Back to the podcast, everybody. All right. Where are we in this podcast right now? 31 minutes in. Well, God damn it. I think it's time to hear from the listeners.

All right. You've listened to me run my mouth enough, haven't you? Oh, wait. I forgot to mention. When I went to that, where the hell were we? Oh, in Red Bank, New Jersey. They have a baseball trading card shop there. That's another one I took a picture of.

Let me see if I can find it here on my phone. It was fucking unreal, man. They had these old NBA cards. They were giant, oversized ones that I had never seen before, and I kind of went nuts when I went in there. I ordered, I didn't order. I went and I bought like a Dr. J, a Pistol Pete, a Kareem Abdul Gibba. There it is.

Monmouth, M-O-N-M-O-U-T-H stamp and coin shop, vintage sports cards and all that, and Red Bank, New Jersey. They have some unbelievable collection of cards and all that type of stuff, and it's really cool, man. Those old school places, you take out a credit card and they pull out that credit card scan thing that they had back in the 70s when you bought gas and stuff, but it's phenomenal. Then of course I got those and now I'm obsessed like I have to get the entire set, and then I want to get a bunch of fucking basketball and hockey cards from the 70s, and I had to

shut down my OCD, but I definitely went out and I bought an old Frank Tarkington card when he was on the Giants, that type of shit and everything. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. All right, Casino Floors. I mentioned this the other day. Once again, when I was working the Borgata and they just had, I should have taken a picture of the rug. It's like absolutely fucking insane, so here's some more theories on why Casino Floor rugs

are so crazy. All right, he says, hey Bill Bow, I'm from Australia and I'm used to emailing you, letting you know I've been carpet laying, what, oh, and I'm just, you forgot the J, dude. I thought you were writing like some sort of shorthand there. I'm used to, I'm just, I'm just emailing you, letting you know I've been carpet laying for two years now and the carpet you're talking about is just a commercial carpet and it is surprisingly expensive. It is around $1,000 to $3,000 a meter, a meter, little more than a yard for all you Americans,

which is 3.66 wide parentheses, 12 foot, I don't fucking know, and one meter long. All right, we don't, we don't lay carpet. We know, we know it's expensive. Here we go. Use that by getting like 600 meters to do a Casino Floor. These carpets last forever. You can put pianos and poker machines and whatever you want and they never leave indentation. See, this is it.

This is why I love the fucking podcast. After all these theories of, dude, people puke and piss, you can't see it, you drop your chips, you can't find them, what was another one? It's so zany, you don't want to look at it, so you just keep looking at the machines. Here's a guy who's actually laying carpet or works for the casino and is now claiming he lays carpet to get us off the scent, but I like this. This actually makes sense. He said these carpets last on all capitals forever.

You can put pianos, poker machines and whatever you want and they never leave an indentation. They are easy to maintain and clean. They are usually made in England by either Ex-Minster carpets or Wilton carpets. The patterns are always outrageous, but it's for commercial places like casinos and banks and even train and bus seats. Oh, that's right. Yeah, when you get on a train, a bus, they have those fucking horrific looking, those things actually gross me out because it doesn't look like they clean them at all.

I like the all plastic. All plastic seems like germs can't get in there as well. So there you go, everybody. That's from somebody who actually lays the carpet there. And we're not just talking about us, sex life, wife's family, the secret upstairs. All right. Hey Bill, love the podcast and all the bullshit. So I've been dating this lady who I completely love, can't get enough of her.

We've been going out for a solid two years now, good for you. There has always been a rule at her house. She lives with her parents because she's in a program in order to become a vet tech. So money is tight for her that I am not allowed to go upstairs ever. All right. Being a guy, I have no problem with this. I'll bend her over the pool table and her Jesus Christ, dude, this took a left turn. I'll bend her over the pool table her father built because fuck it.

If you try to stop me from banging her in the bed, I'll just find another way. All right, dude, what, what did that have to do with what you're talking about? You got me all interested in why can't you go upstairs like this is big mystery. Now all of a sudden you're like, well fine, I'll bend her over the fucking hot water heater downstairs. You can't stop me. All right. I'm hoping you're going to get back on track here.

That was like a weird B B story because so I finally get annoyed at this whole no upstairs policy and decide to do a little investigating. Well aren't you just a nosy little cunt? Did you finally get annoyed of the rules of a house that isn't yours? You know what, sir? So this far into your email, I don't like you. I don't like that whole shit. We, you haven't your disrespecting her father and saying, I'm going to fuck your daughter

over the pool table that you built. All right. That's supposed to be internal monologue. You're not supposed to share that with others. Anyways, no one in the house at this point, by the way. Oh, there's no one in the house. Why can't you guys help me out? You know, I suck at reading.

Okay, there's no one in the house at this point, by the way. I work third shift, so they leave me the fuck alone between eight a.m. to three p.m. I went upstairs and I find garbage in the hallway. Every room is filled with junk and there's only one way to enter it. This is every room, her parents room, hers, the office. It's all a complete nightmare, just waiting for TLC to show up. Now giving you that, how can I approach this ordeal with her? I love her to death and she may be moving in with me sometime between the next few months.

This shit is not going to fly with me, but I know that if a resident gets that bad, that there is something wrong with them mentally. She has always been messy, but then again, I'm a fucking cop who doesn't have time to clean up my place. So maybe this is the combo for the storm with this chick. Um, yeah, that's really fucked up now. All right, well, you know something, you already broke the seal. This is what I would do.

This is so fucking creepy. If you really want to make a go with this girl, I guess I would go back up there again. And I go into her room and just have a look around and look like if that's some parent shit or if that's her shit, you know what I mean? Um, and if it's her shit, I would be, uh, ah, Jesus is fucking brutal. The thing, you know what the big thing is, is the fact that the downstairs is immaculate. So they're, they're, they're only halfway down the rabbit hole. Um, I don't know, dude, you know what?

This is your tree. You're fucking sitting in it. I don't, there's no way to bring up that you went upstairs without just saying, I went upstairs. What are you going to say? Well, the bath, the toilet, this is what, this is what you do. This is what you do. You clog up the bathroom downstairs.

All right. Just clog up the fucking toilet downstairs. I don't know how you do it, but just clog that fucker up. Okay. And then just say, I had to take a shit. It was nowhere else to go. I had to do it. Right.

And then you just say you went upstairs, saw what the fuck it was, and then you went back downstairs. All right. So that's what you do. Clog up the toilet and just blame it on the fact that you had to take a shit. Why am I helping you with this lie? That was funny to me. Who gives a fuck?

There you go. And that's what you do. And then address it. All right. Or you just man up and just say, listen, all right, the curiosity, this is, this is the man's way of doing it. That's, that's the bitch way of doing it. So of course I know how to do that way.

The man just sits down and says, listen, all right, it was fucking weird to me out that I could never go upstairs. I just went to the top of stairs and I looked, see what the fucking big deal was, you know, like was it made out of gold? Do you got a sex slave up there? You know, there's some dead body, what the fuck's going on up there? And yeah, that type of shit, you know, that's your world, that's your life, but that's not going to happen if we ever move in together.

All right. And then she's going to give it, I can't believe that you went upstairs when I told you not to, you just broken the trust and they'll be like, all right, and let her just do it. Let her get all of that out. And then you go, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. What about you? Okay. So I just broke the trust, but you know, you're the one you kind of, you had this giant secret.

So you got secrets. So you kind of fucked with the trust first, you know, do you know, there's a dead cat up there? Do you understand that? There's a fucking dead cat up there. So I don't know, do, do one thing or another, you can do the pussy thing and do the toilet clogged up thing. I gave you two options there, sir, the pussy bitch way or just be a fucking man.

Just take her out, set it down and just say, listen, I gotta, I gotta tell you something. All right. I'm feeling ashamed that I did this, but my curiosity got the best of me and I went to the top of stairs and I just peaked to see what the big deal was with the upstairs. Uh, and you know, then she'll probably start running away, but you know, women, they don't know how to run. Most of them women can either run like a fucking track star or they just ran, they run like it's, they run like toddlers.

You know, so many of them, I swear to God, I'm not saying you don't see the, an uncoordinated guy jogging every once in a while, but we, you know, we play sports, we know how to run. You guys, I don't know what you do, you sit around plotting and making fucking rumors about each other. Jesus bill. Well, you know what? It took a while this week, didn't it? 43 minutes in before I said some ignorant shit about women.

I'm getting better. I had to get a nice clean half hour there. Um, so when she runs away from you, like, uh, you know, somebody blew out her knee, you know, just sort of jogged behind her until she gets tired, um, or just wait till she's wearing high heels until you tell her that that gives you an even better chance. You know, and as she's scrim, screaming and boo-hooing and crying and all that, you know, you just walk behind her with the hands out, you know, looking at other people like, you know, you, you know, you do that classic, you know, this isn't my fault shit that that

body language to other people, which is basically you put your hands, you know, basically parallel to your shoulders straight out like that, you know, like you're going to shrug like, you know, I don't know. You have it like that. And then after you do that, then you bring them together in front of you, motioning at her, you know, like, you bring them back out again, she's just, I don't know, right? Just back and forth. And then you just say, well, we know something and as much as she gives you shit, just be

like, you know what? I'm glad I looked. I'm glad I looked because if I didn't look, I wouldn't, you know, we got to talk about this. I'm willing to help you through this and everything. But I can tell you right now, if you think you're going to move in with me and start doing that stuff out, there's going to be a mountain of shit getting thrown out every fucking week. All right.

So there you go, sir. That is my advice. That is my advice to your fucking ass. Good luck to you. All right. Moving off this rock, Aloha, you fuck spent 35 of my 42 years stuck on these collections of rocks. And here we go.

Once again, with the spelling shit, no to you all known to you all as the state of Hawaii and can't wait to get the fuck out. Yes, it's a great place to visit. Don't get, get me wrong. Hell, anywhere is a cool place to visit, but live here, but live there a while and the daily shit that affects everyone, bills, work, life, it starts to grind on you even more. So when shit is ridiculously, even more so when shit is ridiculously expensive, this is okay.

This isn't me, people. For once, this isn't me. You know what? I'm just going to read exactly what this guy wrote for the rest of the time and you can see what I deal with every week. All right. Well, you know, some of it is my ignorance. All right.

I'll take 80% of it, but 20% of it is this shit. All right. Let's go back to that last sentence. Hell, anywhere is cool to visit, but live there a while and the daily shit that affects everyone, bills, work, fucking life starts to grind on you even more. So when shit is ridiculously expensive, all right, that's a sentence, everybody. I must sound like an uppercase cunt for complaining about paradise, but trust me, the only things that that's, that's come out of Hawaii.

That's even halfway decent are BJ Penn and pineapples and Bruno Mars and Jimmy's super flash snooker is he from the Isle of Samoa, uh, BJ hasn't been great in a while and even the pineapples they sell here come from Costa Rica or someplace like that. Another thing when the best comic to come over and do a show is Mike Epps, do I need to say more? Dude, Mike Epps is fucking phenomenal. Have you seen his latest special? He's unbelievable and not to mention I did a show over there, you asshole.

Oh yeah, Mike Epps is better than me. Maybe that's what he's saying. Jesus, what's it going to take to impress you? Anyway, so he goes, Phoenix, Arizona is where I'm headed to open a business. So I can't wait to see some actually actual talented comedians. Well I hope you're not Hawaiian if you move into Arizona because they'll probably try to send you back to Mexico, those fucking maniacs, um, Netflix and watching a new special can only take you so far.

You know, anyway, don't think I ever heard you read an email from Hawaii on your podcast so it's worth a shot. Take care and go fuck yourself. Listen, I can see, um, I can see myself moving there and after a while going out of my mind because I have to move around, you know, and just living in that little ass state out there. I would just, uh, yeah, I would go nuts. I need to, uh, I need to be on the mainland. I definitely couldn't handle that and, uh, good luck to you, sir.

If you want to move, uh, away from there and plus, you know what, you're not moving that far away as I guess, I guess everywhere is far away from Hawaii because it's like a five hour flight. I don't know. Listen, man, I don't, I don't even know what the question was. If you want to fucking move out, go ahead and move out, but, uh, everybody needs to watch my caps, the latest special, man. It's fucking unbelievable.

Um, all right. I wish I read that email first. I wouldn't have said his name because I hate when people do that shit because then it's like I'm co-signing on it and I'm not trashing that guy on any fucking level. All right. Billionaire bitch. Hello Bill. I recently met a very beautiful young lady who was an heiress to a Greek shipping magnet,

uh, and worth billions of dollars. Jesus Christ. How do you, how do you, what the fuck did you meet her? Huh? The French Riviera? Let me guess. You weren't in a Hooters, right? Um, she's actually quite beautiful and is nice until she gets a little booze in her.

Then she turns into a super cunt like I've never seen. Uh, I am really into Greek girls and she's extremely hot and if I could just deal with her bitchiness, then I would never have to work again. However, I have way too much pride. And after starting after she started bossing me around at it, at a sunset boulevard bar the other night, I just took off when she went to the bathroom and have not returned to her. I have not returned her.

What happened calls, dude, you just left. Why did you do that? I totally respect, respect leaving, but you should have. All right. Let me just read the rest of this and I'll finish this. And once again, with the fucking spelling errors and leaving out words, she was calling me and texting me and emailing me as I walked home down Laurel as pissed I was, as I was at the time, the thought of never knowing what happened is actually funny now.

Uh, dude, you don't love this girl. If you think that shit's funny, you don't love this girl. He goes, I don't, I don't know her that well, but I see that crazy look in her eye. Know that she has never been told no one her life. My instinct is a hundred percent to never respond to her and not return and not turn into her bitch. Uh, what do you do, Bill, a leader of the degenerates, um, I think it's fucking hilarious that you left, but I think, um, it's still funny that you just left if she's that hot

and that rich. If you just fucking left and never returned her phone calls that that's definitely funny, but that's also psychotic. That's something that I would fucking do. Um, you probably should have hung around, uh, and said something. Just say, listen, uh, this evening's over. I just really don't like you as a person and, uh, you're beautiful and, but, um, I would never want to spend my life with someone like you.

All right. So I haven't have a nice evening. I'm out of here. Right. That's what you could have done. You could have done that. Right. I'm gonna miss my fucking meeting here.

God fucking damn it. Um, that's what I would do, sir. I totally respect the fact that you left, but next time you should probably just say something to her. I did that one time. You know, I actually did that one time. I fucking went out to, uh, went on a date with this girl and went to some, go see some fucking band that only played 80s music.

I think they were called the M80s. It was out in Santa Monica the first time I lived out here and this girl fucking jumped up. I was with all of a sudden she jumped up on stage with the band and started doing this douchey dance and was pointing at the crowd and it's like I wasn't on a date anymore. All of a sudden I was at like her concert. Like I didn't know what the fuck happened and I was just like, uh, I just left and the reason why I left was I didn't know how to say that really just turned me off and that

was just really fucking weirded me out. Like, like the band didn't want her on stage. She went up there and they're looking at her like, who is this fucking idiot up on stage with us? And I just didn't know how to, I didn't know how to do it back then. You know, nowadays if I was still fucking dating, I just would have been like, oh yeah, you know, he's really seemed to, uh, have a good time. Yeah.

All right. I'm out of here. Whoa. What's the matter? What's going on? I think you're a great person, but I'm not feeling that second date. All right. Why?

Is it because of what I wore? No, it's because of that fucking stupid dance, whatever the fuck you just did up there. All right. Gave me douche chills. Okay. I'm sorry. Goodbye. Goodbye.

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