Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-30-16

Episode Date: June 30, 2016

Bill rambles about awards shows, cars and NHL trades.

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I'm not gonna try to blame Hollywood for fucking giving me an impossible body image to live up to. I'm gonna, I'm gonna use it as a goal. All these fucking pussies out there nowadays. Oh, that's too hard. Yeah, it is hard. Eat an apple and get your fat ass in the gym. That's what America needs right there. Now for this fucking, I don't know what this patty cake would fucking play with everybody. Jesus fucking Christ, you live in a great country.

There's too many cookies, all right? Know that and leave the house. It's all you gotta do. Fucking sitting here blaming Arby's for your fat ass, huh? Hating on those fucking Victoria's Secret models or whoever the new fucking Brad Pitt guy is with his fucking eight pack? Huh? Oh, that's been airbrushed. Oh fuck you!

You're fat. You ate a big king every fucking day for the last 20 days. That's your problem. It's not society. It's that you have a car, they have a drive-through, and you have singles in your wallet. Where you gonna spend it? Drive your fat ass down to the supermarket, just like my doughy midsection. I'm bringing it down there looking like the fucking freckled.

Imagine the Pillsbury Doughboy with freckles. That's what I'm looking right now with my fucking shirt on. Put on a good 12 pounds of writer's room weight, you know? You know what I like to go for? I like the Hershey's miniatures, right? Get that fucking sugar rushed and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Then I eat a handful of fucking pretzels, bring me back down with the salt, and then where am I? Oh, late night.

Oh, we're working late again, didn't I? Ah, let's get a fucking pizza. I'm just gonna have one slice, four slices. Hot! Right down the fucking pie hole. And who am I blaming, huh? Am I blaming those whores on Instagram? I'm not.

Not me. I'm taking responsibility for my gluttonous acts. I am a fucking... Oh, no, I'm not a mess. I'm turning around. Old Daddy White Legs here get up to almost a buck 86, you know? Now I'm back down to a buck 82. My goal is just to be in the 170s.

If I'm in the fucking 170s, by the time we're done with the next two episodes, right? A couple of two, three pounds of the next two weeks, right? I can do that shit, even though the 4th of July is coming up, right? And that's the big day we celebrate. Independence Day, you know? Wasn't that the day we had the fight with the British? And we said, one if by land, two if by sea, and I get those Native Americans off my property? Isn't that what happened on that day?

We declared independence from England on July 4th, 1776. We were like, we're sick of you oppressing us. We would like to be the oppressors. And this took us almost 300 years to get there. And goddamn it. We're doing it as good as England ever did it. That fuck goes. Anyways, gotta drink the throat coat tea.

I don't know why I never drank this before. I gotta tell you, you know something that's fucking delicious is a goddamn grapefruit. Not a regular grapefruit. A goddamn grapefruit. They're right next to the sun-kissed. You go in there and you go, hey, you got a goddamn grapefruit? I'm sorry, we only have sun-kissed. And then you say, well, fuck you, buddy.

Fuck you when your crate is celery. That's what I'm back to. Celery at night, my little scoop of fucking peanut. Right? I'm six months into this year. My drinking's back under control. Nothing will bring you drinking back under control like eight fucking corona lights that somebody left in my fucking fridge. Jesus Christ.

Been slowly knocking those things back one a day. It's just such a horrible experience by the end of it. It's like, not only do I not want another. I don't think I ever want to drink again. You know, whatever. So I only had one cigar this month, so I've had nine for the year. So that's good, right? It's going to go off the rails soon, right?

We got 4th of July and then I got fucking the European run coming up, you know? And I was on a flight and I somehow discovered this part of cigar affectionato. It's places to smoke. If you like cigars, people, go on cigaraffectionato.com. And you click on Search Cigar Affectionato 1F. Who knew? I thought it was spelled like after with two Fs, right? Kidding.

I just love other people when I play up how stupid I am. They just love, you know, you guys dumb as a mink. Nah, you're right next to me at the Applebee's, right? Just order your fried fucking pickles, your cunt. Cigar Affectionato 1F doesn't fuck. And Google Places to Smoke. I mean, it's just, it's fucking, it's incredible. So I've done that all across Europe, but I just did it like every like 5th city or something.

So I don't go off the rails when I'm over there. So I got a couple of days in London. I'm going to smoke there. And then I think I'm just going to fucking haul ass for the rest of the trip and maybe take a few days off. A little vacation, a little all the day, you know? Somewhere down the Mediterranean, right? Look at old fancy freckles. You like this?

What a fucking life flaunt everything in high school, huh? You need two years of a language. No, you don't. You just need to be a silly cunt and have enough people get into you. And all of a sudden, you too. You too cannot add up how much your vacation costs and then get a credit card bill. It'd be like, what the fuck? It's one of my favorite things.

I might sound a little more jovial than usual. There's a reason for that. There is a fart. There's a fucking reason. Is the great Sam Kinnison would say, I finally bought a car. Daddy bought a whip. Oh, look who's here.

The love of you, Nia. Just in time for me to talk about my new fucking car. Let's turn up the mic. Nini, I got to tell you, I bought, you know what I bought? Yes. I bought the BMW bitch magnet. That's what it's called. No, I didn't buy a BMW.

I bought a Jaguar. And I ordered it. I bought a Jag and I, and I ordered the color because I didn't want to be another douche driving a black, white or fucking red car. So you'll just be a douche driving a, what is that, British racing green? Yeah. Like every Jag was supposed to be. Oh, you're hating, you're hating on me right now. It's fucking beautiful.

Why is it freezing in here? You notice that I'm wearing like. An Apollo 13 jacket. Yeah, go turn off the AC. Oh, cause it was, it was hot as hell in here. Nia, I'm white. The cold doesn't affect me. You know how I get on the beach.

It looked like I'm having heat stroke. You're sitting there frolicking around. Isn't this great? I'm under that giant fucking umbrella. Looking like it was my final wish to go to the beach for the first time ever in my life. Of my life. Remember that guy? No.

Do you know what somebody told me to buy on the, on the old interweb there? As Richard Rowling says. Yeah. Don't start saying interweb. I love when he says that. Why? I love that guy. Get yourself some of that.

Cause I look at him going, he flunked everything in high school too. And he still made it. They put so much emphasis on being smart in school. You don't have to be. Did you flunk everything in school? What was your? I say I flunked everything. The ceiling, the glass ceiling I couldn't push through was Cs.

And then there was a bunch of Ds. And then just the math was just the old right there, Fred. Really? Ugh. What about? I've never shown you my fucking. Do you have your report cards? I have this desk.

My parents don't throw anything out. It's still in there. And every once in a while there's this little thing and I open it up to, oh my God. Really? Ugh. Remember when I was showing you all my, my achievement certificates? Yeah. The opposite is a track.

Yeah. But it's like a bunch of Ds, Cs and it's just. Even in like English and stuff like that. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I stopped, I stopped getting A's and B's right. I did well until through junior high. And then when it counted.

When the fucking colleges were going to. You had to do more than share. The greatest thing, the greatest thing I ever did was completely fuck up in high school. Because. Because if I did well. If I did well and I lived the dream. Like. And I would, and I got accepted into a big time college that had a great fucking football

program and I joined a frat and I had penny loafers with no socks on and all that. Just living the white guy dream. We definitely wouldn't be. Right. If I did that. Like I, I just think I would have been doing so well in life that getting into this business never would have dawned on me. I would have been like, well, I can't leave.

Right. I'm driving a convertible Audi. I got a, I got the extra special cubicle and I don't think I would have done it. But the fact that I fucked up so bad that my options were only going part time to low-level schools and unloading trucks that then going and doing an open mic, it wasn't as scary. Like, what was I walking away from? That's true. Lower back pain.

I mean, look at me now. Sciatica. I think it's cured. I think of penny loafers with no socks. I feel like that's a big red flag to me. Like there's just something about it that I just. Yeah. It's like when black people.

Or loafers with no socks. That's like when certain white people see black guys in hoodies. It's the same thing. Yeah, it is. Well, no, it isn't because of the power structure, but it's the same thing. You're totally looking at him. You look at those penny loafers with no socks and you're like frat boy date rapist. I think they're a date.

Yeah, it's true. I think they're a frat boy date. We agreed to have aggressive sex and you end up face down dead in a park. Yeah. Yeah. Actually. Exactly. Yes.

You're allowed to say that. Right. Yeah. Okay. I'm not allowed to say that. I'm not allowed to get on an app. Just came outside to stretch his legs. Then I end up in a trunk of a car.

But I do. I do feel that way. And I know that that's a stereotype and I know that that's wrong. Why do you have, yes, well, you know, it's if I think about like why do you have like Kennedys and stuff. You have like. What? You have this Trump white eyeliner on here.

Oh, no, I think that's my eye cream that I didn't fully blend in my skin. Oh, God. You're spoiled. I'm not spoiled. I think that's my eye cream. I put it on at night. That's a bad stereotype. What is it?

Not all preppy guys, preppy white guys or serial killers or date rapists. But I feel like if they were to be, they would get away with it. I just feel like it's a, it's a safe thought. Money. It's a safe thought to think as a woman. You just go with the bad. So you get home in one piece. Yeah.

If you think somebody's going to eat you, you got to go with that thought. Yeah. And just, just avoid regardless of how many people's feelings you hurt. Right. But like, I get just people wearing like. So how do you think white people should handle? How do you think white people should handle the other situation and like boat shoes and like blazers or like shorts with whales on them?

Man, you got, you got, you fucking got this person down. Or like their hair is just so perfect and they've got their like collar pop just so on there, like Ralph Lauren, like yellow button down with salmon shorts and like a white belt with a blue stripe down the middle of it. So what if a guy like that came walking up to you and started talking to you in the club? I would feel. Hi.

What is your name? Is it something ethnic? My name is Scott. My name's Chauncey. Oh, Chauncey. Scott. Uh, no, I'm being very stereotypical right now. There are plenty of those guys that are a part of the yacht club and the golfing club.

And I'm are there. Lovely people. Where did you meet those people? I've never met. I'm really white. I'm just, yeah, I'm being, I'm being stereotypical and it's wrong. Do you know one time I met, he wasn't, he wasn't like a waspy guy. He was a Jewish guy, right?

And I was at this wedding for a buddy of mine who was Jewish, right? So I was like one of the only Gentiles there and he, I just moved to fucking Manhattan and this guy fucking big lead to me big time, right? I was living on this walkthrough bedroom on 97 East 97th Street, right? And, uh, you know, crack head smoking underneath the thing, the total New York experience, like the first night I'm laying in my single bed, you know, just like a little kid bed and, uh, like a roach walked across my chest at night. Oh my God.

And I just thought that was part of, I didn't even kill it. I just thought it was part of the New York experience. I was like, all right, man, I need to get tough. So I was like, fuck it. All right. Bugs are going to crawl on me. I can take this shit, right? So I go to the, uh, but I'm still excited.

You're such a German, Irish, toughy fucking dope. You guys will put up with anything. Yeah. And that's why we die young. That's why we die young. One day I'll let it all out and I'll do that epic cry like that black dude on the, the intervention. Cause I still love you.

And I'll be like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. We watched that yesterday. It is the cry of a man who hasn't cried in like ever. We watched that yesterday in the writer's room and then we watched one of the worst ones ever because I love the guy. Mike Schmidt retiring from baseball. We watched that one and it's such a shame. The amount of shit that that guy gets because he could literally at this, still at this age, he could literally pick me up and throw me out of the major league infield. I would land in shallow left, but he just goes like, you know, whatever.

Like, I forget how it went, but it was like 20 years ago. A boy left blah, blah, blah, Wisconsin. What the hell he was with the dream to play major league baseball. He went all the way. I was like, oh no. So somebody had that video major league baseball. And then they immediately cut to the black. I go, ah, dude, we fucking died.

We fucking died. And I was actually sitting there when I was watching that how hard we were all laughing. I was wishing I could reach out to the person that made that because I would be psyched. You know, if I wasn't in this business and a bunch of people in a writer's room writing on a fucking show, like we don't laugh at shit. Dude, we will fucking dying. So I mean, I wish my stand up got that kind of fucking left some writers room. That's all. What's the set up is a tracking and all of that shit.

So anyways, all right. So where are we now? We were talking about your car. Oh yeah. Your Jaguar. Jaguar. So what about the Jaguar? The Jaguar.

The XF. Are you excited for it? I'm so fucking excited. I'm not excited that it doesn't come for its 100 days away. That's what happens when you order a custom color. Are you going to count down every single day? Yeah, if you don't mind. Can I be excited about this?

I drove a fucking Prius for nine years. You're right. Yeah. I've been gay bashed for the better part of a decade driving that car. Yes. Long overdue. That's a hot fucking car though, the Prius. I've had two people already offered to buy it.

Can I buy it? Can I buy it off you? I know. That car is done right by us. Yes, it is. Although it smells. You got it detailed that one time and then we came home and it was a hot day and the windows were open.

Whatever that chemical was that they put in the seat, it fucking does. It's just baked in there and I don't know how to get it out. Yeah, it's like somebody died in there that cleans houses. No. Wait, it doesn't smell like somebody died in there. It's just it's got a, you know, a certain. Yeah. You have to eat something and you kind of think you like it and then there's that weird

aftertaste and you're like, whoa. We can't sell it until we figure out how to get rid of that. You need to learn to talk into the mic. There you go. I'm trying not to. Okay. You know what? They'll just pick a hike.

You can hear me. All right. I'm going to turn you up. I'm all the way up. Oh no. You did not. Sorry. It's because of you.

Hey, I like that, that Remy Ma, just cause she shot somebody. That's fucking great. So many people in that genre act like they would do shit like that. But at the end of the day, like, what am I a fucking idiot? I got a Bentley. I don't need to be shooting people. Yeah. She actually shot somebody and she went to jail for it.

I don't think she's like proud of it by any means, but. Well, no, you know what? I'm glad to see her out and do it. I'm not advocating shooting people. What I'm saying. What's cool is, is that if she talks about shit like that, you know that she's not pretending. Oh, I certainly wouldn't fuck with her.

Yeah. Like I'm still waiting for Robert Blake to put out an album, you know. He fucking. Robert Blake. Yeah. He plays guitar. Wait, he's not dead? No, he's out.

I went into a guitar shop one time and he was in there. No. Yeah. I would run the other way. He's so scary. Yeah. Don't go to bed with a price on your head. No.

So you enjoyed, you enjoyed watching the BET Awards with me. I did the whole Prince tribute and all that. It was fucking tremendous. It's fucking tremendous. I don't know why you guys are upset about the Oscars. You guys have a better award show. Just do one yourself and show us how to do a good one. I don't know why the fuck you're trying to get there.

Yeah. Your award shows generally seem to be more fun, but. Oh, Jesus. Where the hell is it? What's calling you? No, no. It's not more or less fun. It's just you're going to be able to be yourselves.

I don't know who that is. I don't know what the fuck happened. All of a sudden I got on this list like congratulations. Your business is one and just hang up. What kills me is they keep calling, which means somebody out. It's enough people it works on. There's enough people that sit there. Congratulations.

Holy shit. Ellen, get in here. Is it an 844 number? Because I have some weird 844 number that keeps calling me in its business. But you know they have those machines that like just try every single combination of phone numbers and whatever one hits and someone picks up, they're like, hello. I have some exciting news for you. Yeah, it's not exciting.

It's fucking annoying. You know what the worst is when I'm out walking Cleo and I'm listening to some song, right? I'm listening to some song. So, of course, any song that I listen to, I am on stage with the band playing drums and I'm killing it. And they're all turning around looking at me like, wow, this guy has more skills than we thought. That's what I do the entire time I'm out there, fantasize.

And then all of a sudden the phone comes on and whenever it's a random number, I just think it's some radio station that I used to do and that's always good for business. I pick up the phone. I make people laugh, drive time, you know, whatever. I'm not even in the city and they're hearing me make them laugh. Maybe they'll come out to a show. So, I always pick up and I'll be like in the middle of, what was that? I was listening to Queens of the Stone Age today.

I was listening to them and what was the song? Yeah, I'm just fucking listening to it. Of course, I'm on the drums going gig, gig, gig, gig, gig, gig, gig, gig, gig. Right? Fucking killing it. Josh is turning around going, wow. Right? Totally impressed, which you'll know it happened, right?

So, I can dream. And then the fucking phone will ring. He's impressed with you, but not for your musical skills. I know. He's not impressed with me. Why would you say that and ruin this great story? Sorry. He fucking, so I'm walking down the street and the fucking phone rings and then I stop

listening to that and I fucking, I pick up and it's like, congratulations. Your fantasy is over. Your business might have won a free trip to Aruba. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So, even if you know you don't have a radio station, you'll just still pick up random numbers. Yeah.

You have to stop doing that. Also, why would you know? Hey, do you ever think you ever like dialed somebody, you dialed a number incorrectly? Well, I guess you don't do it that much anymore, but every once in a while, you just fucking dial a number. You dial it wrong. Do you think you actually called somebody famous? No.

Like they have phones. They got to get wrong numbers. They don't pick up numbers that they don't recognize. Yeah, they do. You don't think JLo picks up? No. It's like, huh, whatever she sounds like. What?

How's it go? She goes, I'm just, I'm just kidding from the box. I don't know what the fuck she says. No, why you wouldn't pick up? Like Bill Clinton? I don't understand you. I bet Bill Clinton picks up random numbers. Oh, of course he does.

Yeah. You know he does. He's like, hmm, who could this be? I don't know about now. He's looking like very frail. Uh, yeah, he's old and vegan now. So I feel like that's why he looks like a scarecrow that came to life. If a scarecrow fucked a snowman, if a scarecrow fucked a snowman, that's what he looks like

because he's, he's as pasty as a snowman and his skinny. I've never felt more alive. He comes at you with that fucking chicken neck. Um, can we talk about how you kind of like to, to like in the same vein as you picking up numbers and being like, yeah, sure. How you just don't pay attention with stuff. Like what happened when I asked you to get minute rice and grapefruit? What did you bring home?

A cantaloupe and a regular rice that took 20 minutes. I thought Uncle Benz was always minute rice. I thought he had shit to do. I evidently, I was wrong. Ben can hang around. Came home with a cantaloupe. What do you want from me? It was delicious though, wasn't it?

It was, but I just feel like you just get a vague idea of like what's supposed to happen. Just kind of run with it. Like you're like, oh, it's a round melon fruit or something. Not even a melon. You weren't even able to get a melon. Just, you just knew it was round and it was probably next to the grapefruit and you just grabbed it. Not thinking.

Yeah. You want to do you now? Sure. All right. So I bought you a nice fucking car, right? And you're parking under a tree. So I got this fucking the tarp, the tarp that fits your car like a fucking glove. Yes.

And you're not putting it on and the fucking saps coming down on your car. So I sit there and I go, Nia, why don't you put the tarp on the car? Is there any way somebody can trim back the tree? Or you could just put the fucking tarp on the car. I know, but I also feel like that tree needs to be cut back in general. Why? That tree is right outside. I can hear you right now.

Because it's just. Don't worry, buddy. You're not going anywhere. Because it's just dropping those weird things all over the place. It's called nature. It's called nature, Nia. We live, we shouldn't even be out here. That tree should be out here.

Okay. I'm not saying that you should cut it down and like it should be just cut it back. That's all I'm saying. Just cut it back. Maybe like cut it so that it grows. Why don't you just put the fucking tarp on the car? I don't have a problem putting the tarp on the car. Well, then there you go.

It's solved. Yeah, you do have a problem because I went down there and there was shit all over your car. And I'm telling you, fucking last night. And what happens is, a lot of people don't know this. I learned this the hard way. What happens is, and I'm explaining this and I know you don't like this, but I'm going to explain.

When the fucking sap gets on your fucking car, you got to, I'm not talking to you. You got to get it off because what happens is when your car heats up, the paint expands and then at night when it cools off, it contracts again and it's like a motion, right? The sap and the paint become one and it's like a tattoo and then it's underneath your fucking paint and you can't get it out. At least that's what the guy at the car wash told me because I was like, hey, what about these spots here? He's like, oh, my friend, my friend, we're not friends.

Tell me what happened. So I like your blue dress. Thank you. I got it yesterday. Where'd you get it? Topshop. Topshop. Yes.

Is that expensive? No, actually. Good. Good job, Nini. Get a red one too. Thanks. I like Topshop. The Monday Morning Podcast sponsored by Topshop.

Topshop. That would be great. Well, you two, why? Because they'd send me some dresses. Yeah. Yeah, that fit me. Ideally. I'm the host.

I get the dresses. So you excited about the Austrian Grand Prix on Sunday? Sure. Yeah, you know what? All you need to go is to one of those races. Once you see the fucking, the who has it, that fucking thing. The money, I should say. Are we going to go to the Grand Prix and Monaco at some point?

I'd love to. I'd love to. And just go there. Like an older people? No. As a dumb American, just annoy all those rich people. All right. I got to read here.

Why are you like a USA to you? A little bit of. Oh, yeah. That one somebody had on yesterday had the American flag back to back World War champs. You got to weigh that over in Europe. Oh my God, they would just cringe. It does nothing better than just playing into who they think you are.

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We got to talk sports here. Oh, should I leave? No. You know what? Yes. Just the way you just said that. What? And you're looking at your phone.

You have Kardashian tone right now. It's really. Oh my God. I'm not. I just. I just, you know, I don't know anything about sports. We know a little bit. Can you believe PK Subban got traded for Shay Webber?

Well, I know that you were just couldn't stop talking about it this morning while we were still. I couldn't believe it. I thought he was a Hab for life. I fucking hate when that happens. You know, Joe Bartnick talked me off the ledge. He said fucking Nashville needed a staff and something about the Habs needed to be a little more solid and tougher on defense or some shit like that.

So I guess it's a good trade. Who the fuck knows? But I hate when big stars like that. That's why I was psyched. Stephen Stamco's re-signed with Tampa. Like, you know, he's, he's, he's like, he's, I can't say a lightning. It's such a stupid fucking eight when they named teams up the weather. Whatever.

PK's a hab man. That's fucked up. Even as a Bruins fan, I'm going to miss like, you know, I never really hated the guy. He's one of those guys. He was so fucking good. You couldn't hate him. You know what I mean? The Montreal Canadian fans, however, you know, with their silly socks and a little pocket

squished in. Yeah. All right. I got to wrap this thing up because I have to go. We're doing the record for actually still number eight. We're writing number nine everybody. I'm coming out the fucking, what's that thing that comes out? The golfer, right?

Groundhog. Groundhog. Pokes its fucking head out. Can you imagine if my head came out? How many, how many more fucking weeks a winner would that be? All right. That's 30 minutes. It's going to be a long winter.

It's going to be a long winter. I'll never forget 2016 when the round is widest head ever came out of that hole. I just got an email about a seven night Mediterranean cruise parting from Venice starting at 899. But I don't think that's the kind of thing. Are we underneath the boat? I think that's the kind of thing. Is that the refugee special? I think that's the kind of thing where it's like.

Do we have to work on the boat when we go there? You and like 4,000 other people at the buffet line. Yeah. You can't even get a cruise for that. There's no fucking way you're getting on that. What does the boat look like? I don't know. It's a dinghy.

Yeah. All right. Well, I don't know. I'll have to do something evil to ever be able to afford that, but it's nice to notice. All right. That's it. That's the Thursday afternoon podcast for... Wait a minute.

What? Yeah. It's got to work. I thought we had to do the pyramid game. That's the only reason why I'm even here. Oh, fuck. All right. Let's do the pyramid game.

All right. Where are we? I don't want to make you late. Should we save it for next Monday? No, no. Let's do it. I said we were going to do it. Oh, next Monday is a holiday.

Are you going to do... Right. Let's do it. Are you going to do a podcast on the 4th of July? Yeah. Go ahead. No days off. Yeah.

This is... Do you know how much fun this fucking is? Okay. That's why I fuck around on the advertising. I don't give a shit if they hear or not. I'm still going to do it. All right. Fucking...

What do you say there? What do we do? The $10,000 pyramid? Yes. Well, because it all came about because we were talking about how you just notoriously sort of just guessed things wrong or it was really more about how your movie titles. That's how it started. Yeah.

You know. Oh, I just... I dance around. Where did the bitch go? The last days of Dracula. Instead of saying Pearl Jam, I'd be like a flannel shirt. Oh, I'm in a trance. Yeah.

This music's making me go crazy. I don't like George Bush. Right. Exactly. Yeah. But I knew that one. That's Eddie Better. Yeah.

So that we started playing the pyramid game. All right. So evidently, I sucked at giving clues. Let's see if you're better. All right. You ready? Oh, wait. So I'm going first?

No. It's your turn. I gave last time. You received. I thought I also gave. I thought we both... No. No, we did.

We both did. But... Now you do. Do you have them in your head? Oh... Oh, you stink. You were supposed to make a list. I know.

Let's save it for next time then. No, you can't do that to people. Well, I'm sorry, people. Well, I'm going to hit pause. You're going to do it right now. All right. They're going to be easy. All right.

We're back. She said they're going to be... Don't make them easy. This is three. Okay. Here we go. Let's get the clock going here. All right.

And go. So Michael Jordan has one. A ring. Steph Curry has one. But people think they're ugly. I'm sure LeBron has one. All right. Haircut.

Haircut. Sneakers. Yes. Sneakers. Okay. They're not native to California, but they're everywhere. Avocados. They provide shade.

People... Real housewives. Real housewives. Real housewives. They're also in Miami. Fake tits. Fake tits. They're natural.

Palm trees. Yes. Bam. Fourth of July. Celebration. Red Fox. Fireworks. Yes.

Oh, come on. That was a joke. That was too easy. You know what? You just made me feel like I was special. Come up. Think of a difficult one right now. Some obscure.

So I can guess. Okay. You got it? All right. Three. A two. A one. They're a big, huge animal.

That's faster than you think. Elephant. Cheetah. They're in the water. Cats. They're vicious. Sharks. Whales.

But they're, they can run fast. They're in the water and they can run fast. Frogs. They're very. Platypus. They're vicious and they attack you. Barracuda. They're in an iPhone commercial.

And it says at the end. Shot on an iPhone. Can you hear me now? They were a game. A game from the 70s. Monopoly. 70s and the 80s. 80 more 80s.

There was a bunch of them in a ring. Jaws. And they had to eat. And like you and your friends. Saw? No. A hippo. And the water.

A big fat animal. A whale. That's vicious. A walrus. A seal. And in the game. There was four of them in each corner. And you and your friends like hit it.

And they had to like. Oh, a hippo. Yes. Ah, I thought you meant the ocean. Ah, fuck. That took me like three minutes to get. You should have said they're hungry. Hungry.

Because I didn't want it to be too easy. Oh, there you go. I could have done better. No, that was good. See, you make them hard. They make them hard. Then the bit lasts longer. Okay.

Make it easy. Maybe something you open when it rains. Umbrella. Okay. All right, I have to go. All right, honey. Hundred more days. Counting down.

That's right. Can't wait. All right. That's the Thursday afternoon podcast. Enjoy the music that's coming up. Have a great July 4th weekend. Thank you to everybody in this country that's come out to my show. And thank you to England for losing that great battle today.

On July 4th, right? Then they lose a battle and we signed a paper like, ah, you motherfuckers, we got you. No, I know. I know what it is. We declare our individual. I just like doing it because it makes them feel superior. And that's right where you want them. Just coming in.

What do they call themselves? Cozy smug cunts. And then you give them the old right there, Fred. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful weekend. And I'll talk to you on Monday there.

The way you did before. Okay. You think you've got a pretty face. But the rest of you is out of place. You looked all right before. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast for what the hell's today?

June 29th. It's the June 30th. The fuck is the date? I don't know. I don't know what it is. It's the last Monday in June. And I can't believe how much the summer is just flying by. Jay, when somebody says that every fucking summer, you know, you know, it's going to

fly by because the weather's awesome. Because it's fun. It's like eating cookies. You know, you open a bag. You think you're just going to have one next thing, you know, the whole bag's gone. You know? Why? Because they taste delicious.

Do you really need some douchebag to stand there next to you going like, can you believe how good those cookies were? I can't believe they're already gone. I wish someone would say that in the winter. Can you believe how fast the winter's going by? What kind of person would say that? Huh? Some sort of mountain man who's into snowboarding.

All right. That was awesome. I don't fucking know. All right. It's the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, June 30th. Sorry. I was riffing and I was looking up what the date was.

All right. As I've told you guys in past podcasts, I have one of the oldest still functioning laptops out there. I told you. Mine is actually made out of birch. I got it down at the pottery barn back when they used to sell laptops. A lot of people don't know that. They think that they were just into furniture.

But there was a moment there where they tried to branch out into computers and electronics and needless to say, it failed. Actually, you know what? I was thinking about getting a new laptop, but a good friend of mine told me how to add more memory to this one. So I'm thinking, why the fuck? Why would I go out and get a new one? I don't understand why people keep going out and buying new laptops like their fucking

Steven Spielberg and they're dumping like hours of film footage. You're not doing it. Okay. They cost like two, three fucking grand. What are you doing? You know what I mean? Do you ever just stop and think what the fuck you're doing? Just get off the goddamn fucking hamster wheel for a second and just realize how ridiculous

it is that you spend $2,500 on something. And it's acceptable that the thing is going to shit the bed within fucking two years. Within two years, something's going to happen. You know, the battery is going to mess up and then you're going to go down to the Mac store or the fucking Bill Gates store or whatever the hell they got out there and they're going to be like, yeah, it's not under warranty. Can we fix it? Yeah, we can fix it, but to fix it for some stupid fucking reason, it's going to cost

$2,100 and a new laptop is $25. So, you know, I mean, we'll fix it, but you know, the whole thing is fucking bullshit. There's no reason they should cost that much. You know what? You know something? If nerds had any fucking brains, the amount of pussy they would be getting right now, just by fixing their friend's laptops and saving everybody $2,500 instead of charging people $2,500.

Why don't you charge like 500 bucks, you fucking nerds? Go out, you know, buy something flashy that always attracts the whores. They like that, you know? You know, just to give yourself a little makeover with your laptop fixing abilities, money, you know, like one of those bad 80s movies. You could turn your life into like a montage, you know, play some song, like the fine young cannibals, as some chick takes you to the mall, you know, takes off your glasses. I always hated that in those fucking movies, like whenever like somebody, you know, whenever

they were going to have like the nerdy chick all of a sudden become gorgeous, right? Like the way they made her ugly was they put her hair up and they made her wear black framed glasses, you know what I mean? Like you still couldn't see that she was gorgeous, you know, and then they just take her hair down and then she take off her glasses and everybody was like, oh my God, who is that? You know, and then the date rapist's football player comes up to her and then she always like, no, I don't think so. You know, you didn't like me when I had my hair up and I was wearing these glasses,

okay, but this nerd over here, he always liked me. So now we're going to go to the prom and we're going to dance and that's going to be the end of the fucking movie, okay? And I always hated that moment in the movie because it always reminded me that I was watching a movie because in real life, okay, that girl, as much as she liked the nerd, she wouldn't like them in that way, okay? They can't help it. It's in their fucking DNA.

They want to breed with the strongest cock in the room and I don't care how much of a dick that guy, that quarterback was being to her, the second she got the attention, that would fill her up because all those years they having her hair up wearing those fucking Malcolm X glasses gave her low self-esteem and she would at least for a four to six year period would have to go out and fill herself up with please accept me cock, you know, before she kind of was able to regroup and be like, you know what, these guys are assholes. I wonder what that nerd's up to and by then it'll be too late because nerds generally, you know, they marry the first thing that a lot of, let them fuck them, you know?

So by the time she, you know, she runs through, you know, the time she's down to fucking the place kicker, that nerd is already married with three kids and he invented, he invented the ice. Wait a minute, no! He's fucking inventing these damn laptops. They gotta get repaired every couple of years. That's their fucking payback. Wow.

I just figured that out. That's why there's no goddamn nerds out there. Being able to fix these fucking laptops for 500 bucks, it's all 1800 bucks because they're mad that when they gave the fucking nerdy chick the makeover, she still blew the quarterback. So now we gotta pay for it. She's about to be ridiculous, man. All right, this is the Monday Morning Podcast and my name's Bill Burr. I do one of these every fucking Monday and, you know, I'll give you something to laugh

about and, you know, keep you in my thoughts. Actually, keep me in your thoughts. That's why I'm doing this. I'm not doing it because I give a fuck about you people. I'm trying to give you guys a reason to keep coming back to my site and maybe you'll tell other people to come to my site. So the next time I go to Raleigh, North Carolina, I'm not standing in front of 25 people, you know, so then I can make some more money and then I can buy some shiny shit and then I

can make up for all the fucking pussy I never got in high school. See how that works? So anyways, I do one of these every week. I talk about stuff that I have coming up in my career. I talk about comedy dates and, you know, whatever. Like, here's a great example for you. I have an upcoming CDVD release. I just like saying that.

CDVD release. And a one-hour Comedy Central special that will be shown. I believe it's August 23rd. It will be shown the first time. The CD is coming out in August. The CD, I don't have an exact date yet. And the DVD is coming out in September. I don't have an exact date for that.

I just have a month at this point. Okay? So cool, you fucking jets. All right? We got July 4th coming up. Just relax. There's plenty of holidays between now and the goddamn release. And when I get the information, I'm going to let you know what's up.

So that's what I have coming up, okay? It's kind of being a cunt during that. So let me try to say it a little more clearer. In August, I have a CD coming out and a one-hour Comedy Central special. And then in September, the DVD is coming out. So by October, you guys should all be sick of me. But by then, hopefully, I'll be filthy, stinking rich. I'll have a brand new Ludwig drum kit and a big house,

and I'll stand up there, you know, naked with the bathrobe that's partially open looking down on the city, realizing that I'm still empty inside. Okay? But we're going to cross that bridge when we get to it, man. All right. People ask me questions every week on my podcast, and I like to try to answer them.

People also send me in stories. They give me information. What do you want to start with first? You want to start with the questions. You want to go with the stories. How about a story? Let me scroll down here. Okay, last week, you know, people were talking about their cars

getting fucked up and everything like that. Goddamn, somebody sent me a funny one, and I forgot the copy and paste. I got to read that one next week. But I told you last week I was going to tell you the second half. Basically, everyone was telling me these stories about how their car got fucked up, and in everybody's story, they were the victim, except for this one dude who talks about how he was hitting on some fucking chick,

and she doesn't want to hook up with them, so he goes out in the parking lot, hammered, and backed his car into another truck. And I was trying to tell him, you know, you're not really the victim there, so it's kind of hard to feel bad for you. So what the fuck did the girl do that made you do something like that that we should all feel bad for you? Me and my 14 podcast listeners should feel bad for you. So here he goes.

This is the other half. This is his reason for doing that shit. Okay. Hey, Bill, thanks for reading my story. Share my gloom with everyone. Ha, ha, let me tell you what happened with girl number one. All right. This is why he got pissed in the club.

It was a little tipsy drunk, got in his car, evidently did not look, stomped on the gas, and backed into a truck, fucked his car up, and didn't do shit to the truck. All right. He said, all right, me and the girl, we've been working together for about a year now, and everyone in this building would like to get with her. We've been on and off talking a lot, or not at all. It's a big company. She's kind of a tease.

She's kind of a tease. Okay. Well, you know, I'm going to take your word for it, but I mean, it kind of sounds like she's a good-looking woman, you know, who's got a lot of cock coming at her. And, you know, maybe she's a little defensive. Anyway, she's kind of a tease, but, hell, I don't care. She's damn hot, and I haven't sealed the deal yet. All right.

Now I'm rooting for you. That's right. Go in there and fucking hit it. All right. I was damn sure that this was the night I was going to hook up with her because we were hanging out and talking a lot for the few weeks leading up to this particular night out since it was her birthday. Okay.

So here he is. You know, chatting her up for two weeks. He's going to the patient room as opposed to those other guys who are walking into the cubicle with their pants already half unzipped. You know, I respect it. Everybody likes the full-core press, but that usually doesn't work, especially if you weren't dockers. It's just creepy.

So anyway, so this guy, you know, works for two weeks. Now it's her birthday. Okay. And let's see. And apparently most girls like to get down on the day when the clock rolls over. Okay. I'm with you. Anyway, I completely fumbled the ball by not paying enough attention or not flirting

enough that night or some shit. And I got pissed when I knew that this was probably the last chance I had, which then led to the aforementioned story. So basically you did two weeks of reconnaissance. You went out there, it was her birthday, and you're trying to hit on her to close the deal and basically every other hot chick that walks by, you're looking at her. You know what? There's not one person in their early 20s that does not have that fucking story.

It's just what it is. It's just pussy is too, it's still too amazing for you. Wait until you're in your 30s. You'll be able to block out the other shit and you'll be able to focus on your target. And of course by then you'll be in your 30s, so you'll be hitting on some cougar, as they say. I hate that fucking word. And I hate those broads who think they're still fucking hot like they're 22.

Okay. I'm not saying you're not hot for a 43-year-old, but we stop wearing shit that 22-year-old chicks wear. You know what I mean? I just turned 40, okay? My days of wearing a half shirt and fucking socks up to my knees like I'm in that movie Dazed and Confused. You know what I mean?

You look at me like I was a retard. All right, stop it. You're hot for your age. You look good for your age, okay? But let's leave it at that, okay? You're in your dressing elegant years. You're in your dress classy, okay? You know, once you're past fucking, you know, I don't know.

Somewhere in your mid-30s, if you're still dressing like a jealous shot girl, I don't know what to tell you. You know what that's like? That's like the fucking, the form of muscle head who stopped working out, but he still has the Hogan Wardrobe, you know? So he's still got on the tank tops, but now he's got those flabby grandmother arms and it's just like, dude, you need to get a full shirt or start doing some curls because, yeah, it's not working.

It was like Billy Crystal's grandmother in Mr. Saturday Night. Remember that? They were making sandwiches out of her arm, the fat on the back of her arm. All right. So anyway, so what, so you got pissed because you weren't able to close the deal and you backed up and smashed your car. That's actually fucking hilarious. That's a whole different segment.

The car stories I was trying to get people to tell is, you know, you went in to go buy some face moisturizer and you came out and your bumper was gone. You know, the whole, I didn't do shit and somebody raped me. Stories. I guess you created a new one. People who fuck up their car because they were trying to fuck the hot chick at work on her birthday and, I don't know, they looked at some other chick. I don't know what happened.

Anyways, whatever. Man to man, I feel bad for you. Okay. Here's the last story I'm going to read here. All right, Bill. Your rants on American Airlines ring true as they screwed a Marine. I met while on vacation. I don't know if you guys listen to this shit every week, but American Airlines fucked me

over a while back to the point I did a puff daddy remix of their song. Went a little something like this. We're American Airlines fucking you in the ash. A-S-S-H so you can still get it on the air. All right. So this is, this is this guy's story. All right. While returning from Mexico, I was in DFW airport.

I love when people write that. DFW. Like I know what the fuck that means. Is that Detroit fucking where port? Oh, Dallas, Dallas, Dallas, Fort Worth. There we go. The Delaware. All right.

I don't know. Detroit fucking, I don't know. I don't know. Whatever. The fucking guy is. He's at DFW airport. Okay. Eight people.

Oh, I'm flying you to LAX. LAX is actually a great JFK LAX. People know that. But stop saying DFW like I know where the fuck that is. All right. I was in DFW airport. And that's it. No, the OC.

I'm in the OC. Really? I don't know what the fuck that is. Orange County. I still don't know what that is. It's south of Los Angeles. Thank you. Thank you.

You mean that place that nobody fucking goes to? In between Los Angeles and San Diego. All right. I was in DFW airport and met this guy at the tram. Oh, just fucked it. That word just makes my skin crawl all the airports I've been in. I was at the tram. I met this guy at the tram who was fuming mad.

He told me he was headed to Gulfport, Mississippi from California. And the plane had engine trouble and had to return. He then caught the next flight and then had to land in Dallas due to bad weather. He was then told that all flights out were on standby. And while talking to the gate agent, the employee got pissy with him. What a fucking surprise. He mentioned that he had orders and needed help getting any flight out. And the clerk said, sir, I can't help you.

Please enjoy your night in the airport. After the Marine calmed down, I asked him what airline he was on. He replied, motherfucking American Airlines. They suck. I hope they go under. Jesus Christ. They even fuck over a Gaussian uniform? Sir, I can't help you.

Please enjoy your night in the airport. Really? Please enjoy this fucking timble into you. I already said the C word enough and this is a goddamn thing. It's ridiculous. You know something? And, you know, just go on their website and just start complaining. I'm really trying to do that shit.

You know what I mean? Somebody's got to do something. You know what I mean? Can somebody fucking do something? Can somebody respond when you complain? Somebody sent me a fucking e-mail about they returned something at Best Buy and they charged them a 15% restock fee, which basically they bought something.

It sucked. They brought it back. Okay? If it cost a grand, they charged them $150 just to put it back on the shelf so they still make money. So personally, I'm never shopping at Best Buy again. That's it. I'm done.

That's what I'm saying. That's just like, you know what? I'm not eating fast food ever again, man. So it basically means I'm not fucking with Best Buy for three months. I don't know. I'm sorry. Let's get on with the questions. Okay?

This podcast started off really good and now it's just, it's brining to a fucking halt. Let me see if I can up the comedy here. Take it up a notch. Okay? This podcast is like, it's like the Lakers in Game 6. You know what I mean? I never seen a team with Wes Hart. Jesus Christ, the Celtics are up by 40 points.

They're still shooting three pointers. You think Worley would have put up with that? Kareem, those guys would have been throwing elbows. Larry Bird and all them would have been holding up the trophy looking like Bobby Clark. And the Lakers just stood there and watched it. All right. Questions? Number one, by the way, I'm a Celtic fan and yes, I am totally psyched.

I'm sick of all you Laker fans talking and inviting me about this binom guy. Like, he's the second coming of fucking Bill Russell and Michael Jordan. Okay? You guys need to work on your heart first. Why don't you draft a fucking heart first and then talk to me about, you know, fucking kid A coming off the goddamn bench because I don't give a fuck. Ooh, got a little hostile there. All right.

Question number one. Bill, when a comedian does a Comedy Central Presents, is there an applause o-meter? Because sometimes it seems like an odd place for an applause break. Also, is there an opening act to warm up the crowd? Let's see. Is there an applause o-meter? No. They just, actually, I think they just added it in.

They'll take applause from a different joke that really killed. And I don't know, maybe because there's a lull. And for some reason, they think the viewer at home isn't going to notice. Or like when they cut to somebody who's laughing hysterically at another joke that was hysterical. That maybe even that comedian didn't even tell. They'll actually, if they get a good laugh or in the crowd, they use that as stock footage. You know, kind of like, you know, battle footage. You know, like when they show the atom bomb, they have like two or three views of that.

Stock footage of the fucking atom bomb. That's the same thing in stand-up comedy. Okay. Some lady lost her shit laughing in 1983. You haven't ever noticed that? Sometimes, like, they'll cut to somebody. It's really bad. Like on BET, they'll cut to somebody with a hair style that is just like from fucking 20 years ago.

You know what I mean? Like, remember, black people used to have the three-level, like, high-top fade, like three different levels. It was like a parking garage or like some sort of fancy stairs that would lead into like a serving room or some shit. Remember, you know, during the Bobby Brown, my prerogative. That's what they'll do. They'll show a guy, black dude or a white dude, whatever, on Comic View, and they'll tell a fucking joke. You know, they dress, you know, they got an Obama and OAT shirt, right? The comedian.

And then they'll cut to somebody who looks like one of the guys in fucking Boyz II Men. It's wearing like one of those lime green fucking seven-up sport coats. Okay. Yeah. I think I overly explained that. All right. Also, is there an opening act to warm up the crowd? If you're lucky, yes, there is.

If there isn't, it sucks because it's like nobody's laughing. They're just sitting there and all of a sudden you come out and you're just like, what's up with lips? Are these things crazy? And it's really shocking. So hopefully there is a warm-up act. All my experiences there have been. Okay. Question number two.

The question is, why does asparagus make your piss stink? I just like that you said piss. You know, like they should have been the F word in that sentence just to prepare me for piss. I should have been, why does asparagus make your urine smell? Or why does fucking asparagus make your piss stink? You know what I mean? You got to be consistent here. The first half you're like Dan Rather reading off a teleprompter and then the second half

you're going dice clay on me. All right. Asparagus contains, this is the answer. I actually looked it up. This is the first thing I saw, so I'm going with this like it's the truth. Asparagus contains a sulfur compound called mercaptan. It's also found in rotten eggs, onions, garlic, and in the secretion of skunks. When your digestive tract breaks down this substance, byproducts are released that cause the funny sense.

The funny sense. I don't think it's funny. You guys think it's funny. It's actually kind of disgusting. The process is so quick that your urine can develop the distinctive smell within 15 to 30 minutes of eating asparagus. Sea sources for more info. I left that last part in there just in case I actually tried to play that off like I wasn't reading it. So that's why it does it.

You know, cause there's some sort of sulfur compound called mercaptan. That's also found in rotten eggs, onions, garlics, and in the secretion of skunks. You know what I mean? That's one of those fucking things that the second you hear it, just forget it, okay? Cause there's no way to say that at a party and it's going to get you any further with the person you're talking to. You know, either talking them into bed or trying to get a promotion. That's just like, it just makes you weird. And people just sort of raise their eyebrows and nod and fucking walk away and you're left with awkward silence.

And that's when you take out your cell phone and you pretend you got a call. You don't have a call. Alright, question number three. Oh, this is a great question. So, who is more badass? Ty Domi or Bob Prober? For those of you who don't watch hockey, these are two of the all time great enforcers. And NHL history.

Who's more badass? This is Ty Domi or Bob Prober? It's not even a question. It's fucking Bob Prober. Not even, I'm not even talking about at the height of his career where he beat the shit out of every tough guy. And I mean, beat the shit out of every tough guy in the league. He didn't start losing fights towards the end, okay? So everybody knows what he did on the ice.

This is what he did off the ice. He's a little blur by finding him on the Internet. Ty, former NHL enforcer Bob Prober, so I don't do the news. I can't even read. He's back in jail. He was arrested Friday night in Delray Beach after a scuffle with Florida police that led to Probert being shot with a Tzar gun. This is what he's doing after his career, when he's supposed to be out on the golf course, hanging out with Charles Barkley doing cell phone commercial.

Charged with battery on a law enforcement officer resisting arrest with violence and disorderly conduct. Probert was held without bail at the Palm Beach County Jail. While playing for Detroit Red Wings in the 80s and 90s, Probert served a prison term when he was caught trying to carry cocaine into the United States from Canada. He also had alcohol problems and was charged with numerous driving offenses. Probert was placed on inactive status for the 80s, 94 to 95 season, after he was involved in a motorcycle accident and tests showed alcohol and cocaine in this system. This is what he does off the ice.

This is what he was doing off ice during his career. He probably had three fights that night, beat the shit out of a whole other team, and that still wasn't enough. He's like, yeah, I think I'll drink a 12 pack of fucking Schaefer, you know, get an eight ball and jump on a fucking ninja. Delray police officers first spotted Probert. This is from July, June 4th, 2004. He's well into his 40s at this point. All right, they spotted him on Friday as he was parked in his White BMW Sport Utility Vehicle,

the wrong way on a side street, and began hanging out his window to yell at several men. Before 1AM, he was out of his mind. Ah, you fucking pussy. You know who I am? I bought fucking Probert. He's probably still wearing the hockey gloves. I bet like he has to do that. He has to drop gloves before he could fight, or it's just like, it's like Nomar.

Nomar Garcia Power before he hits, he's got to fucking, you know, click his feet in his shoes and adjust his gloves. You know, his batting gloves, I bet he literally has to walk around on hockey gloves, or he won't get the first couple of shots off. So anyways, four officers intervened when Probert, a native of Windsor, Ontario, got out of the car and tried to start a fight with one of the men. According to the report, he then fought with the officers and refused their orders to drop to the ground. As two of the officers struggled to handcuff Probert, Officer Thomas Tolbert shot him with a Taser gun, and he fell backward.

But Probert continued to resist their efforts when they tried to handcuff him. This is after getting Taser. So Tolbert used the Taser gun to stun Probert several more times. It's just fucking unreal. The gun shoots barbed probes. Yeah, that's that barbed wire shit. I don't know if you guys know, like, it's not like science fiction where they just shoot electricity at you. It shoots out these two medieval fucking inquisitions, hooks, and it hooks under your skin,

into your chest, like fucking eagle talons. Like, that's not enough to make you just scream like a bitch and drop to the ground. They then shoot electricity into that. Okay, it's bad enough the guys already fighting two cops, you know, cops. Okay, the cops are like, they have, like, mini UFC skills. They all know arm bars and choke holds, and they have guns and clubs and shit, and he's fighting two of them. They still have to Taser two or three more times.

So I would go Bob Probert. I would say Bob Probert's a little tougher than Ty Domey, okay? So Ty Domey fights four fucking cops in his mid-40s, and has to get Taser numerous fucking times. I'm going to go with Bob Probert, and I don't have to send any sort of fucking hockey geek come on here and talk to me about fucking career stats. Bring out Ty Domey's arrest record. All right, has he been arrested? I didn't even look it up.

That's how fucked up Probert's arrest record was. I didn't even have the decency to look up Ty Domey. So there you go. All right, I got to wrap this thing up here. This is getting too long. There's a couple more questions I'll answer real quick. Have you ever done any work on a cruise ship? Yes, I did, and they won't be asking me back.

The captain wrote a letter, said I was offensive to all races, said I made fun of handicap people because I did a joke about midgets. You know, I don't know what to tell you. I was told that... Didn't I already answer this question? Did I answer this question? They told me it was going to be young people, and then I got on the cruise ship and the first person I saw was that old Vietnamese lady with no teeth,

a sleep with their mouth open, wearing that I'm picking rice hat. Then I told you that, right? I don't fucking remember. All right, let's get on with it. Okay, that's the podcast for the week. I'm going to tell you some of my fucking... my dates I have coming up here, my slow computer, June 2008. All right, oh, big date here.

I got the improv in Pittsburgh coming up, July 10th through the 13th. I'm actually coming in town the day before because I'm going to be going to that Pirate's game. So if you go to the Pirate's game, I'm sure you're going to be able to see me because it's going to be me and 18 other fucking people. Sitting out there at the goddamn game. But that's July 10th through the 13th, and then July 31st through August 3rd. I'm sorry, August 2nd. I'll be at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado, and August 14th through the 17th.

I'll be at the improv in Miami. Then I got a bunch of other dates coming up because right on the 23rd of August, my special is coming out, and then I'm going to be doing a tour, and information will be coming out soon. All right, so keep the questions coming. Let me know how you guys think the story. Sometimes I think the stories are good. I don't know if they're boring or if they're interesting.

Please let me know. Please give me your feedback. I'll probably regret saying that because now I'm going to get a bunch of, yeah, and you stutter too much during them, and blah, blah, blah. So why would I open myself up to more criticisms in life? Anyways, thanks to everybody. I really appreciate all you guys listening. I know I only have 14 listeners.

I know it's a lot more than that. It's got to be at least 32 at this point, and I really appreciate that you guys keep telling me that you like them. You keep liking them. I'm going to keep doing them. And if you don't like them, then you don't have to fucking listen. I don't know why I have this hippie thing today. All right, that's it.

That's the Monday Morning Podcast. God bless all of you, and it's off to Chicago, and let's win there. I'll talk to you guys, what the fuck is it, next Monday. All right, happy July 4th weekend. God bless America. And, you know, stop taking shit from American Airlines and other airlines, and stop taking shit from these corporations. Go to their websites and complain.

Use a lot of words like outrageous, ridiculous. Try to go to privately owned shit. That's what I like doing. I try to do that. Then you go in there and there's shit all over the food, all over the spoon. I mean, there's food all over the spoon. God, just fucking... This is why, you know, most people may read that dyslexic.

I like to speak in dyslexia. This is why I became a comedian if you ever fucking wondered why. This is why I did it, because I'm too much of a moron to exist in the real world. And secondly, when I'm in the real world, I just keep hearing this voice over and over. I'm just going, this is fucking stupid. This is fucking stupid. This is fucking stupid. That's all I would hear.

You know, I tried to sit in the meetings, and they talked about how to make the product better, and to try and increase revenues. And everyone was sitting there, and they had out little notebooks, because it was the 80s, the early 90s, and they were fucking writing shit down. I couldn't hear what the person was saying, because my brain just kept going. This is fucking stupid. This is fucking stupid. I don't want to do this.

I don't want to fucking do this. All right? I don't fucking do this. All right. There you go. That's my job history before I became a comedian, was me doing one job after another, and hearing a loud voice in my head going, I don't want to fucking do this. So I don't, and now I do this, and this is too long.

All right. I'll talk to you next week. Have a great week. 01:09:51,000 --> 01:09:58,000 The way you did before. The way you did before. The way you did before. The way you did before.

The way you did before. The way you did before.