Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-4-15

Episode Date: June 5, 2015

Bill rambles about the Ol' Heave Hoe, Caitlyn Jenner and Bro-mania.

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It's Bill Burr and I'm just checking it on you. Sorry. I can't yell too loud. Can't yell too loud this week. I thought on Monday, the peas and everything will pop it on this fucking thing. So I'm going to try to hold it a little further away and maybe talk a little bit louder. Welcome to the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday, AKA the just checking in on you podcast for June 4th, 2015.

Oh, fuck. I'm missing everything. Aren't I? I miss game one of the Stanley Cup finals. I literally just woke up about an hour ago. I'm still fucking jet lagged. So I stay up and I drink in the cafe. Wait till like that's how I put myself to sleep.

Like me is always going to take a sleeping pill. Just cheek one of these. And I'm always like, I'm not taking that thing. She goes, why? I go, because that's like a 10 day bender to you, to your liver. Why don't I go down to the cafe and I'll fucking drink like Ernest Hemingway. You know, which is really just like, yeah, it's only a one day bender to your liver, right? I guess if you drink like Hemingway, a John Bonham that it's considered maybe

like a three day bender, I don't know what, but that's how I do it. That is how I do it. Sorry. So I have a last night. Nia was more tired than I was. So she came back to an abort amount and she was going to go to sleep. So I was like, well, I'm not going to fucking be down here by myself, you know, like some goddamn degenerate.

So I came back here. I don't know. And I've been fucking up ever since and I was not up ever since I stayed up until like three, four in the morning and ended up waking Nia up inadvertently. And so we started watching this, this video of this trial. I guess that already happened. This, this woman who seemed really, really nice. She met this guy.

He was some, his parents smoked crystal meth and he got himself out of it. Raised himself, became a, or those BYU people, Mormon. Became a Mormon, you know, was trying to abstain from sex. He got himself a little side piece. Basically, she was just a side piece to him and she loved him. And then he ends up dumping her. And then she still kind of came back and hooked up with them every once in a while. And, and then she realized that she was getting the old heave ho.

Key word there is ho. That's how she felt like she was being treated. And she came back one night and she fucking killed him, stabbed him up, shot him, and then stabbed him, fucking slit his throat, all this crazy shit. And then came up with the worst fucking story ever was that there was two people that intruded, killed him, put the gun to her head, pulled the fucking trigger. And the gun didn't go off. And then she grabbed her personal keys and all that and ran out of the house as the,

I guess the two of them are going like, can you believe it didn't go off? Wait a minute, where did that woman go? So then she gets in the car and fucking drove away, stunned out into the middle of the desert and didn't call anybody or tell anybody anything and actually visited other people and never said a fucking word to anybody. And five days later, the dude's friends came into the apartment and found his body and and she got the she got the death penalty. Fucking crazy story.

Isn't that nice? Isn't that uplifting for a Thursday? Thursday afternoon, I got to tell you, I was watching the interview and she really seemed like a nice person. She seemed like a sweetheart. I'd like to think that I got a good gauge, but it was. It was fucking, I don't know, it was disturbing. I don't know, you know, was we more disturbing than that?

Was yesterday I went out and I got a cheeseburger, right? They got this place, this cheeseburger over here in Nia's fucking hilarious. She goes, hey, they've got the best burger in Paris. It's supposed to be at this place. And I'm like, fuck, yeah, I like cheeseburgers. Let's go. And it wasn't until after I finished the cheeseburger and said it was fucking delicious that she told me that she learned about the place by watching,

keeping up with the Kardashians. And Chloe said that that was her favorite fucking place to get a burger. And I go, why wouldn't you tell me that? And she goes, because if I fucking told you that, you wouldn't want it to eat here. Are you trying to come in? Oh, hang on a second. The lovely Nia, everybody, bonjour, bonjour, maman. So no, I say madame, I say madame because you're married, right?

Wait, wait, all right, come on. Bonjour, monsieur. And it was Kim. Oh, not close. Chloe's the big one, right? As Jay Lawhead says, the power forward, the power forward of the Kardashians. Lay down here, because I don't know. I would say she's the tallest, maybe not the biggest since Kim is pregnant.

Congratulations, Kimmy cakes. All right, you have to leave. You have to leave. All right, so anyways, the burger, though, so here's the thing I do. The most disgusting thing I ever did in my life. I, we have side dish of macaroni and cheese. I took the macaroni and cheese and I put it in the puddle of grease. There was egg on there on the burger too.

So there was and bacon. No, but I'm saying with the puddle was the egg yolk in the grease from the burger. And I put macaroni and cheese in it. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever done, but it was absolutely fucking delicious. You can't tell me I didn't block at least one of my, what is it? Your a orders? Arteries? You have ventricle?

Arteries. The vulva. The burger was amazing. I would go back before the end of this trip, to be honest with you. I was thinking about it this morning. I'm not, I'm, I'm off to that, I'm off to that. I'm sick of the French with it. F-E-R-D-I.

I don't think I don't like about Paris, you know, Paris, you know, Paris, you know, highly recommended. You have to text for a reservation, which you won't be able to figure out unless you're near because I wouldn't have been able to figure out, but I'm, you know what, I'm sick of the French with their little tables. Oh, really? Why? Oh, they're just like, if they got these little fucking tables,

they're kind of table people. No, they're not. Look at this. No, they're not. Everything is little here. And that's because it's a fucking rip-off, you know, it's like New York with the super small apartments. But I mean, New York, you can sit down and have an adult-sized table, not those fucking

dollhouse tables. I mean, God forbid you order some, some food. You got to pick your drink up. Oh, miss you. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Please remove the glass. So anyways, I'm glad you're here to taper this part. So I was, I was over here and Nia showed me the cover of what magazine was that?

Vanity Fair. Vanity Fair. Are we talking about Caitlyn Jenner? Yeah. The Kardashians. You just blew it. I was going to fucking build the whole thing up. And then because I was looking at it going, how do I know, I'm like, how do I know that

chick? Is that somebody we know? You're like, I know that woman. And I was thinking, she's not good enough. She's not good looking enough to be on the cover. Is she a publicist? Is she some famous publicist? And then it was me, Caitlyn Jenner.

Caitlyn with a C. Wow. I got to tell you, man, that is the most- Congratulations, Caitlyn Cakes. I know. I got to tell you, that is the most, that's the most hardcore thing I've ever seen played out in like all that Marilyn Manson shit and Alice Cooper and Ozzy biting a head off a bat. Nothing compares to the what the fuck factor. I'm not saying, I'm not, you know.

You're comparing like, like shock rock, shock rock tactics to someone becoming transgendered. I really don't think they're on the same line. Somebody that you knew, somebody that you knew you're not even on the same line. Can you let me, can you let me continue with your ignorant thoughts? Sure. No. That's, you know, you shouldn't say that. This is the first time I ever experienced this.

I had to be able to fucking say one thing. You see his own, his own daughters that go and like, so wait a minute, you're going to be bothering my, my toenail polish. They got to get their head around it. I'm allowed to get my head around it. God bless them. Okay. That's what he wanted to do.

She. Well, he did it. Now he's, now he's a she is he, but he still has his dick, right? Bill. Does he? She wants to be called she, she wants to be called Katelyn. Okay. I'm cool with that.

Call her she. I'm all right with that. She has not had surgery. No. She has not. I think that's something she might do in the future. Okay. So she has a penis and she's, she's still is she at this point.

Correct. So the reality is, is you don't have to do any of that. You could just say I want to be called she and people should just respect it. Pretty much because it's a whole idea about gender not necessarily being rooted in physicality or sexuality, it being more of a state of mind. So this is like some, which is a big debate of course, but so this is like some Ornette Coleman shit. Who's that?

With your body. Ornette Coleman. He was one of those guys who played so free with jazz, there was really no one and even like Charlie Parker would walk off the bandstand going, I don't know what the fuck these guys are playing. Okay. Is that right? I think this is a groundbreaking thing that he's the first and he will be like, he's like

the first what though? Well I'm not going to wait into that fucking sinkhole. God knows I'll say the wrong fucking thing. There was a trans gendered person on the cover of Time Magazine last year, which was actually the first. No, no, but I mean as far as Kox from Orange is the new black. What was her name before that Larry? I don't know and it doesn't fucking matter.

I think you should, you should keep your like, like I would be, I go from Bill, I would be Beth. Would you? Beth. Oh wait, can we talk about that? Let's talk about if you decided to transition. Would you really go by Beth? No, I think I, I think I'd be Janet and I would be such a cunt.

So pretty much the same, right? Yeah, but you know me now as a male, I'm awarded for being an asshole. You know that, that ridiculous feminist theory that if a woman does it, she's a cunt, but if a guy does it, they're like, oh, you want to be president? Fucking morons. I feel like men are definitely called assholes when they're assholes, but I don't think they're morons for saying that men get to. Get to do what?

They get to act especially in business and then more, um, let's say cut through, like a Mark Cuban, Mark Cuban's a fucking dick, but Mark Cuban is also brilliant and a really successful businessman. But I feel like more often than not, he gets called brilliant and amazing. No, he doesn't. Even though he gets called a jackass all the time, all the time when he runs out on the court and does all that stuff, get off the court, you jackass. I thought people were always saying like, you know, Mark Cuban is a, you know, business

genius and, you know, I know he is, but he is, he's undeniably is, but he does, he doesn't get good reviews. That guy gets trashed all the time. You know what it is? Is you guys have bad experiences with men while you're dating and they get to be dicks and bang you and then leave and you never quite are able to wash that off. So I think that you guys then look at us in a certain way. I'm able to separate my experiences from dating dicks to dealing with dicks and day

to day life. I'm not so simple minded and like one dimensional that it's like, oh my God, a guy dumped me one time and now they're all dicks. Like, are you fucking kidding me? But there was a period in your life, you can't tell me that you didn't get a little petty. I did. I actually never did. I did all those guys that dumped me.

No, I had it, I didn't necessarily have the greatest track record with men, but I didn't write you all off because of that. I still was looking for love. Listen, all right, so what I'm saying is, as far as like the most hardcore fucking thing I've ever seen, as far as just spinning your head around like, holy shit, is the fact that Bruce Jenner, unlike that other woman who I don't even know who the fuck that is, who's on Time magazine, is that this guy, you got to say my whole life, I've known this guy from like second grade on, he wanted the Catholic, he was on the Wheaties box, he was on

chips, he got a nose job, and then he disappeared. And then he came back on the Kardashians, and he was walking around in the background. And I remember Lawhead had this great fucking bit about, yeah, just being like, what the why are you sitting there getting bitch dead? You got a fucking gold medal for the, the Catholic. They got you walking around in the background, you know, like, you know, I should be walking around that metal around your neck or something, right? To then, I remember when, when TMZ was chasing around saying that he was having a sex, sex

change, I was like, oh my God, leave the guy alone, you know, he doesn't like his face, you know, and I, I don't know, he's doing whatever the fuck he's doing, and then it turned out they were right. And now when he comes out, call me Caitlyn, I mean, this is the thing, like, because what I don't, what I don't, there's going to be a lot of people that get in trouble as they're trying to fucking process this for the first time. This is their first time experiencing. I think you want to allow people to have that, that first dumb thing that comes out of their

mouth, not understanding and being like, what, but everybody's going to jump on him. And someone, someone will lose their career. To sit there and watch this guy, like you wanted to be this guy, you wanted to be Bruce Jenner. I wanted my hair parted down the middle and feathered to the side. I wanted to be a motorcycle cop. I wanted to do all of that shit. And then all of a sudden, I remember reading articles about him, like his fucking life,

you know, he's in between, you know, girlfriends or whatever. And they went to his house and he had some Porsche Targar still remember this in sports only a Porsche Targar in the garage that he walked by and he ran his fingers along. He had a little bit of dust on him. Like this guy's, he's sold the shit that he just has a leftover Porsche. I mean, this dude was like a guy's guy. To then bomb, go the other that 180 the other other fucking way. Yeah, I think people should be definitely allowed to be honest with it.

They just feel like the cruelty is what's unnecessary. No, no, no, not cruelty. But you want to be able to say like, Bruce, what the fuck? Sorry, Kate, what the fuck? Wow, wait a minute. Like, can I sit down for a second? They were talking to one of his sons from his other marriages, like Brandon or something. And he said she lifted up her dress to show.

He said her new boobs and he goes, whoa, I'm still your son. Because it's like, yeah, whoa, wait, just just give me a second. And then another one of his. Well, but he would never foot. He was no show his balls. Of course. Is what you came from, son. Of course. No, of course.

It was definitely that would be very weird. No, but that's always been my theory. But and the girls who get fake boobs will show them to you like they got their nails done because it's an insecurity thing. So you have to be like, they check out the girl. I have two friends with amazing boob jobs. I never would have known. They're so they're so good. You got to you got to pay for it.

You know what I'm saying? You can't go out in the air and get discount plastic. They don't go to Denny's when you get the boob job. Like whatever the facial reconstruction that Caitlin has had is fucking amazing. Now, of course, she still is a handsome woman. But like it really it looks good. And those those those I don't know what you're talking about.

What do you mean she's still a handsome woman? Did you mean that she started off as a handsome guy? No, there are some women that are like handsome. This whole thing that I'm saying right now, I mean, listen, this whole thing that I just said. What do you mean like that? That that's a handsome guy or like the woman right now? You know what this is?

This whole fucking scenario is why I never watched Lost. What is why I never watched Lost? How did you go? How did you like a dream state? Is there a fucking monster down here? What's going on? And then now you're jumping back and forth and either side. It's like he's playing tennis against himself right now.

It's kind of like your ADD brain, actually. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's kind of like bringing it around in salt bill. Look, I'm on vacation. I'm not insulting you, little sham. But you know what else? One of his kids also, her kids, see, even I'm slipping with the pronoun.

Oh, you homophobe, transgender, hater. What's your career? We need to end it. Uh, my career is lying around with you in France. Suck it. Uh, no, that's that dude on Twitter who gave me shit. Anybody who starts a tweet with the word maybe I'm done with. Yeah, maybe don't blah, blah, blah.

What a cunt. Oh, no, I was saying one of Caitlin's sons said I'm I'm I'm hoping I think that or something like that. Caitlin will be a better parent than Bruce was. Something like that. No, I mean, he's been I mean, she's been pretty open about it. And then if Caitlin starts crying, be like, Caitlin, I wasn't talking.

Talking about Bruce. No, by all accounts, especially his his first set of kids, I didn't like him there. They were he Bruce wasn't there for them. Because he was a fucking man. And now that now that now that Bruce has become Caitlin, you think, hey, Bruce femininity Bruce won the gold medal. Caitlin still has to prove herself.

She hasn't won shit yet. She's won all of our hearts. Um, all right, but you know something else? Then there's also the then folly all over yourself. There's there's the ignorant being mean about it. And then also that go in the other way where you fall all over yourself. And if Caitlin's being a cunt, you can't call her a cunt because she used to be Bruce, which is bullshit.

Well, I guess Bruce was an asshole because Bruce really wanted to be Caitlin and was struggling and was taking it out on other people and was literally running away. I think Caitlin is going to be the biggest gossipy. He's going to go to brunch and just talk shit about everybody in her immediate circle. I'm pretty excited to see how this unfolds. Actually, it's it's pretty major.

Are you going to watch the her show? No, I never watched the Kardashians. Oh, that's sure. I hate those fucking shows. Yeah, that makes sense. And to be honest with you, I would have to. I'll just sort of walk by the TV and occasionally glance over. I need to ease my way into the fact you are.

You're going to watch over my shoulder. And I have to and I have to fucking right to do that. Yes, you do. Yeah. When you make that big of a fucking change, Jesus Christ, I shaved my head. People like what the fuck? Yeah, you've got to give people. You've got to have the you've got to be courteous and let people like fucking

guy, let me OK, OK, you should have like five minute visits. And then they increase to 10 and just got to gradually like, I mean, you literally it's like you killed off the other person. You know what I mean? Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah, like, where are they? Yep. Go on.

Yeah. So then and then it's weird. It's like, well, I technically should be like in you, right? But you're not the other person, but you're still you. Do you think he did something like he sold his soul to the devil and he's like trying to beat the devil at his own game and now he's becoming like a woman at the end of his life so he can save his soul. And the devil's like, oh, where did Bruce go? He's like, I don't know.

It's like Angel Hot. Are you talking about that movie with Lisa Bonet? Yeah, Mickey Rook is fucking great. Louis Cypher. Anyways, who knows? I don't fucking know. Bill Barr tackled Caitlyn Jenner. No, I didn't.

I fucking I'm getting my head around it as I should be allowed to do. Anyways. Anyways, I'm out of shit to say. Oh, you know what I missed last night was the because I couldn't find my fucking password. God knows I was awake was the first game of the Stanley Cup playoffs. And is it that time of the year again? All right, it's that time of day when you could say so. I'm sure we can find some Irish French pub.

Irish French pub. They're going to have soccer or they're going to have rugby. They're going to have the Roland Garros highlights. Well, listen, so I saw Tampa was up one to nothing when I fell asleep. And I was like, wow, wouldn't that be really amazing if they won game one? In oh, wait, is it in Tampa? I think it's in Tampa. I'm trying to think of the highlights.

I think Chicago had on their white jerseys. I can't remember. They won game one. Like what that would do to the series. Like immediately you got to think it's going six or seven. So anyway, so they're up one to nothing. And then it said that, you know, Chicago scored two late goals to win the game. So I got, you know, I'm excited.

I want to put on the highlights of see who scored. So I put on the highlights and it ended up depressing the hell out of me when I watched it because, you know, so Tampa Bay Lightning fans who have been just let you know as a Bruins fan, I've been there. Against Chicago, it was a deciding game. Like we were trying to force a game seven. We were up by a goal with like a minute nine left. And they scored two goals in the final minute to not only beat us

to win the Stanley Cup and celebrate on our ice in our building. So it kind of took me back to that. But what a player, I can't remember who did what, but that first goal they had. That guy who stole the puck just poke checked it away. It just that just gives you the idea how fucking good those guys are at that level. He just poke checked it away and two seconds later, it's in the back of the neck. And just amazing. I hope Tampa wins game two because I really want to see a series.

And I'm hoping it's still going to go. Both the NBA and the NHL finals will be four games in when we get back. And I'm obviously hoping for serious. Who do you like out of Cleveland and Sacramento? Nia Cleveland has LeBron James. Sacramento's got a Steph Curry, who's forever chewing his mouthpiece. OK, thank you, Nia. You don't watch. All right, let me let me wrap this thing up.

All right. Is that you're showing me to get out? Yeah. All right. Because we're done talking about reality TV. And don't let me be a fool. See who play. Don't let me be a fool. See who play. Anyways.

So I'm psyched to see that. I got to get my password and I think this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to fucking hang out here. I'm going to booze it up. And then at night, I'm going to come back and watch the NBA and the Stanley Cup finals. That wouldn't suck, right? So what else did I want to talk about? Oh, fuck.

I forgot to bring this up since. From two weeks ago, when I was telling you guys to what I watched, that Bollywood movie that was return of Singham or Singham returns. I got to tell you something. I saw the most bootleg fucking NBA T-shirt I've ever seen in my life is in that in that movie. And the bad guys wearing it. Anybody from India, if you could please explain to me the context of this. It was a Chicago Bulls T-shirt.

Red T-shirt with the with the red bull mascot and above where it should have said bulls. It said chef like C-H-E-F, like someone's going to cook you a meal. And I remember looking at that going, how does this chef? Is that like, like Hindu for fucking bull? I have no fucking idea, you know, and then I'm thinking of bulls, a male cow, and they don't eat cows over there, or they're not supposed to. Some of them are, you know, so why would they say that? Is that like some punk rock shit?

Like this guy is such a bad guy. He's saying he's going to eat the fucking bull. No, right? Fuck you. I can hear you laughing in India from here. All right, just let me know what the hell that means. If you don't mind. So anyways, I'm sorry, guys, we don't have a fucking TV here. I don't know what's going on in the world.

So I'm going to have to just rip something here to give you your fucking half hour for the week. I've never been more homesick than when I watched fucking those NHL highlights. Shoots and a scars. All right, Google News. God knows this is reputable, right? Where do we go here? Where do we go?

Google News, bam. All right, so you think six things to know about Rick Perry? I don't know one thing about him. Who the fuck is he? So you think Texas government, Texas Governor Rick Perry, who launched this 2016 campaign on Thursday, six things you may know about him. He's from Texas. That means he's tough on crime.

He doesn't like gay people and he thinks you ought to be able to smoke in public. That's what I'm guessing. There's three things I'm going to guess about him. Son of Paint Creek, Perry's life until he attended college revolved around the small hand-scrabble community of paint. I don't give a fuck about that. He's a former Democrat, pilot Winks. He joined the famous Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M University to earn

an Air Force commission upon his graduation. All right, I like him creating jobs, felony charges. You know, I skipped by the good stuff. Let's get to the juice here. Perry's attorneys have asked the Texas Appeals Court to dismiss charges, discharge felony charges against him. Bup, bup, bup, bup. What the fuck did he do?

Sentence for drunk driving off. I did that. Uh, it's a union member. He's a Republican who's a card-carrying union member. All right, well, that's a good mix. Hey, I remember what somebody sent me to talk about. Did you guys see that article on the Red Cross? Raising all of that money, like a billion dollars or something for aid in Haiti?

And they only they said they were going to build all these houses and roads and get people electricity and all they've been able to accomplish is get make six houses. And some people are blaming the. The lack of infrastructure on Haiti or whatever. But I'm telling you right now. More and more of these, these. These, uh, I guess charities are getting exposed for. I mean, I can't say that they're all.

They're all bad. Um, sorry, I'm looking this fucking thing up, but. Red Cross, Haiti scandal. Let me look this up so maybe I can read it. So it's somewhat intelligent here. Where is it? Where is it? Red Cross misuse of funds for Haiti sparks protest.

Sorry. All right, here we go. Yeah, 354 million raised 1.6 million spent and allocated. Um, Haitian American organizers issued organizers issued a series of complaints and called for strict accountability early last week. Over the misuse of over 11.6 billion in donated funds promised for post earthquake relief in Haiti, 11.6 billion. You can rebuild the whole fucking country.

Couldn't you? It's a little island. What is Haiti? She shares, uh, no, Dominican Republic is with Cuba and then Haiti's their own little island, right? I don't know. I'm pasty. I don't know anything about the Caribbean.

Uh, whatever. It's a classic fucking thing. Hang on one second. Hang on, hang on, hang on. All right, I'm back. Sorry about that. Um, this, I mean, can somebody tell me like a, a charity that you just know it seems like St. Jude is the only one that I can, Jimmy fund, the Cam Neely house.

Oh, the only like ones that I've seen that really just like the lion's share of the money after obvious expenses, you know, you got to rent out a venue and that type of shit. Oh, the Patrice O'Neill benefit. I can tell you without a doubt, what'd you guys do? If someday you found out I was actually keeping all the fucking, I would just be the end of the end of everything. Me stepping out of my fucking Prius, having no comment.

By the way, we're looking at the first Tuesday in March for the next one. Um, so anyways, one of the, somebody said all of the money the Red Cross has collected, uh, I know of only one location where they gave out plastic bottles of water while providing no shelter or any significant amount of food. I mean, these guys, they're getting, I mean, they're getting trashed here. Now, please tell me, is this making national news? Is this anywhere on the news or are they not there because what ends up happening is the Red Cross, you know, they advertise on television.

So they don't get to advertise for free. So those networks are making money off of the Red Cross. And that's how networks make their money is through advertising. So there's an immediate conflict of interest where it's like, should we do this report, you know, these guys give us a million dollars a year to advertise. We're throwing a million dollars out the fucking window. If we say that these fucking guys are doing the right thing. Um, so I don't know, I'm not in the States.

I'm wondering if they're actually showing this thing. Anyways, this whole fucking thing's just petering out. Um, all right. So I'm four days into this trip. I'm not going to lie to you already miss being home. Um, but I got that, uh, sporting of that coming up and going to the tennis game. So that's my, my big thing. Other than that, I'm just over here sitting in cafes, boozing up.

Oh, by the fucking way, if you ever come over here, which you should. Including that negative cut that got mad at me for fucking bringing it up that I was over here, like I'm supposed to lie where I'm supposed to be. And if you're listening, you, you douchebag, you tweet really depressed the hell out of me for like five seconds. Cause not cause I give a fuck what you think it's cause when I was young and was not confident and was an introvert, someone like you could have fucked me out of becoming a comedian.

All right. You need to work on yourself. And you know, it doesn't cost that much fucking money to come over here. You can come, college kids come over here in backpack, just sleeping in a fucking hostel. You want to come over here? You can make it happen. Lay off the booze, you know, make some sacrifices, you know, fucking asshole.

Make it seem like I bought Paris over here on a fucking seven day, uh, bender. So anyways, um, and if you have somebody like that in your life, you got to get rid of them, don't ever be afraid to literally just fire a friend. You know what I mean? Call them into your office and just say, listen, this isn't working out. And they'll be like, why? What are you talking about? It's cause anytime I want to do anything with my life that's going to take me

into a direction I want to go, you fucking pulling back the reins. Cause you're a cunt. So you're out of my life. So anyways, so when you do come over here, everybody, if you choose to, um, you got to watch out for the fucking gypsies, man. These guys, these men and women are, they're so good at pickpocketing, you can't even get mad at it. Um, our cab driver gave us the whole fucking breakdown.

They actually, they're to the point now because everybody's onto them. Like the French police are onto them. They actually, they show up dressed like tourists. They have cameras around their neck, socks pulled up too high, you know, just walking around like a bunch of fucking nerds like me. And they will literally walk up to you. One bumps into the others in your fucking pockets before you, before even know what's going on.

And I know what you're saying, like, Oh, that old trick, that old trick. You wait, you wait, you'll come over here and you'll be like, uh, you know, finishing a fucking meal and you'll be like, excuse me. Well, let the TCO was it? Let TCO let TCO see who play means the check, right? And I'll bring it over to you. And you go to gold for your fucking wallet. It's gone.

You're like, well, I, I didn't, I didn't walk near anybody. I just fucking glide it over here. I think I said hello to one press. I got it. You say hello to one and they got your fucking wallets. You got to watch out. So I know a lot of you guys are thinking, where are they from? Where are these chips he's from?

That's the question I asked. We just travel around. They're not from anywhere. Um, should I probably shouldn't say where they're from. Cause I'm sure there's plenty of decent people there. Um, but it rhymes with bromania. So anyways, that's the Thursday afternoon, just before Monday morning. Thursday, what is fun?

Thursday afternoon, Monday morning, podcast just before Friday. In other words, no news. Here's a classic kit from fucking back in the day. I don't know what they're going to play. Uh, anyways, I'm going to try to watch the, uh, game one of the NBA finals tonight and that's it. Have a wonderful day. Uh, and go fuck yourselves.

Oh, do I see the starlight? No more. Feel the tender kisses we used to share. Number two, hey Bill, uh, maybe you can help me out with this, um, thing. Now I haven't read any of these things people. So, uh, bear with me here. Uh, this sounds ridiculous, but hear me out. I met this girl a couple of weeks ago and I've been talking to her and hanging

out with her nonstop. We is pretty. What? I guess it's she is pretty. She's pretty, funny, intelligent, and one of the most upfront and upfront and honest people I've ever met in my life. In fact, maybe a little too honest cause she tells me every day how great, cute, honest and honest I am.

And it's a little much sometimes. Anyways, we've been hitting it off like crazy. And on Saturday she spent the night and we hung out all day Sunday. About nine, around nine PM, we got on the topic of old jobs. Oh fuck. Is she a dancer? And she told me that a few years ago she worked in a pet store. Okay.

I guess wrong. There was a hamster there that would bite her every day, drawing blood and would attack coworkers and customers. Generally the hamster was a crazy douche. One day her, her and a coworker decided they had to do something about this thing to put the hamster in a bag and smashed it against a wall. Whoa. What?

Jesus Christ. What a fucking left turn that was. They put it in a bag and smashed it against the wall. Needless to say, I was shocked. The first thing I said was, holy shit, lady, that's kind of crazy. That makes, wait, that's the kind of crazy that makes a wife cut her cuspins dick off. I'm sorry, dude.

That was a hilarious line and I blew it. The first thing I said was, holy shit, lady, that's the kind of crazy that makes a wife cut her husband's dick off. She said she still feels horrible about it and that she killed it that way because she couldn't think of any other way to make it quick. But geez. I mean, I never been in that situation, but that seems kind of crazy. Lol.

This seems like something straight out of a Seinfeld episode. But I just keep thinking about it every time me and this chicks are getting together. Should I just accept this is a crazy story or is this a sign that she is serious issues? Remember this happened years ago and she seems absolutely sane. Otherwise, please help potential murder victim question mark, dude, some of you guys are really fucking funny, man, the way you guys write this shit, I, I, I, I,

you, but you got to admit, I haven't proved with my reading. I feel so bad that I butchered that goddamn line. Okay. Jesus Christ. What do you do with this one? This is fucked up on like so many different levels. Okay, let's start with the first thing, the cruelty to animals. Okay.

Not only cruelty to animals, like I could, what she did, I could do that to an aunt. I wouldn't even do it to a spider. I could do it to a fucking mosquito. That's, she basically treated a hamster like a fucking mosquito. Now granted a hamster. Okay. Let's try to be a little empathetic here.

Empathetic. Let me try to put myself in her situation. If I was younger, 20 years younger and a hamster bit me every day at work and I meant working at a fucking pet store. Uh, would I smash it against the wall in a bag? No, I wouldn't. However, I would do something to it. I would do something, you know what I would do?

I would take a ruler and if I would wait, I would wait till it was, uh, falling asleep and I would just right on it's fucking hamster. Right on its fucking hamster ass and it woke up. Do whatever the fuck it did. I would just take the ruler and I would pin it against the fucking cage and just watch you get all upset. I just, I would bully it. That's what basically what I would do.

Huh? You like that? You like that? You little fucking hamster. Huh? I wouldn't hurt it. I just keep it pinned there. I would frustrate it.

I would frustrate the living shit out of it. That's what I would do. I would do something like that. I think I would do that, but I would not smash it against the fucking wall. They put it in the back. Now, was it repeated strikes? Jesus Christ. You know, some of the shit kids used to do in my neighborhood, do you know,

I had a friend of mine, he used to take his house cat and he put it in an empty pillow, pillowcase and he would fucking spin it over his head like someone, like it was at a Steelers game. You know, that's what the fuck he would do. And then sometimes he'd put it in the dryer. They used to tell me these stories and I used to laugh my fucking ass off. For some reason, I found it funny back then. Now I find it absolutely horrific and I would never do it.

But if I had to do it to either a dog or a cat, I would definitely do it to a cat, but it'd have to be a real douche of a cat. All right, so we're getting off the subject here. So it's cruelty to animals and she works at a pet store. So that's bizarre because you figure if you work at a pet store, that means you either you love animals or you like at a low level deal pot, you you're dealing weed on a low level. You know what I mean?

You're that guy. You like to burn out Matthew McConaughey. At least that's how they used to be. But then there's the other option that serial killers, you know, they start off with small animals, you know, they watch a ton of porn and then they start torturing small animals and then they gradually work their way up, you know, to a fucking human being.

So yeah, you could possibly you could possibly be dealing with that right now. Then also, you know, you're looking at it like this is that's the mother of your children. Put a hamster in a fucking I could see if it was fucking 1911. Rather than 2011. People back then, they'd kill an animal. They didn't give a fuck. They just walk out. What do you guys want for dinner?

Yeah, let's have some goose and the fucking mom would walk out. They grab the goose by the neck and then they'd fucking act like they were trying to start up a model teeth. And they fucking body something. They just break its neck nice and quick and then they'd pluck it. They cook it. And that was it. And that was that was dinner.

1911. Do you like that little piece of piece of history? I don't do it. I don't know what to tell you. This is like that's really fucking insane. And at the very least, if you get into a fight with her, she's at the very least, I think she's going to throw something at you. She may be one of those.

I have no idea, dude. How hot is this girl? I think some of these people, I need like a picture to see if it's like worth it. You guys seem to be connecting on like a personality level, but I really got to tell you, you know, that's just like something Roger Clemens would do. I could picture him doing that. You know, he has that pose posey from the fucking dirty dozen sort of vibe about him.

And my heart forever will belong to the memory of the love that we knew before. Please come back to my arms. We belong together. Come to me, let's be sweethearts again. Then let us part. Didn't you want, shall we? So anyways, this is why I've been cooped up in Cincinnati the entire fucking weekend is because this is what I've learned about Cincinnati.

Evidently, they have what's known as good downtown and bad downtown. But as far as I can tell, it's all fucked up because I'm supposed to be in good downtown. And I've been walking around that this, you know, I've lived in cities and I've performed in cities enough where I know what the fucking red flags are when it means, hey, Bill, why don't you go back to your hotel room? Or at the very least take your watch off, put it in your pocket. I love that. That's the classic white guy suburban move.

I know I'll take it off and put it in my pocket. What exactly does that do? You know, other than maybe save you from getting a broken arm, you know, then somebody's just ripping your pocket off your jeans. I don't know. So this is the deal. I walk out. These are the red flags.

I walk out of my hotel. The first block, I see a check cashing place. All right. This is for touristy people. If you see a check cashing place, hail a cab and get the fuck out of that neighborhood. Or at the very least stop the direction you're walking in and go in the other direction. All right. Which is what I did.

I was like, well, you know, I don't think I want to get food down this way. Let me go this other way. So I start walking up the street a little bit more. And what do I see on the right hand side of the street? I see a hat store. A store that sells nothing but hats. And I don't mean like lids, baseball hats or those Brian Johnson. I'm a fan of ACDC hats.

I'm talking like Venus flytrap fucking bitch whiz my money hats. And right next to it, they had a store that sold the suits that went with those bitch whiz my money hats. So I'm like, all right, I'm in Pimp Alley. All right. I am not a fucking pimp. I don't have any bitches. Let me get the fuck out of there. But then I see an oasis.

I see Walgreens. I'm like, okay, that's a chain. All right. It's a corporate chain. I will walk in there and I will regroup and I'll ask somebody in there where the fudruckers is. You know, so I walk in there and I go in there. And once again, I see another red flag. The lotion, lotion people was locked in a glass cabinet.

All right. 18 years on the road. I have never fucking seen that. How much does lotion cost people doesn't cost that fucking much. All right. You have to lock it up like it's fucking razor blades, which I still don't think that they should cost that fucking much razor blades. They lock up because they just think they make them seem like these. They're these diamonds and they're very rare.

So for some reason they're 40 bucks for eight of them. And everybody knows it's bullshit. So they're going to steal them. But there's a lotion. Every fucking drug store you go into, you know, the shampoos out in the ocean, out in the ocean, out in the open. The lotion is my brain always three words ahead of where the fuck I'm going to say. You like that open and lotion, you get ocean. Yeah.

So I was like, all right, what the fuck. And then I walked out and I saw, I saw a black dude under the age of 35 with a Jerry curl. And right there that was it. I was like, I'm done. I'm going back to my fucking hotel because oh no. And then the last thing was all decent respectable Brady bunch, looking white people and huckstable looking black people all vacated the city at 501 leaving depression era looking white people. You know, you guys ever see Pee Wee's big adventure and he's on that train with that guy, Jimmy crack corner. I don't care.

That's what all the fucking white guys look like. And the black guys all look like Pac-Man Jones. Actually, they didn't. It was just one guy at one of my shows that did. He had the Paul Wall grill in his mouth. And, you know, I don't know. So I've just been sitting here ordering room service my entire fucking weekend reading about Cincinnati. So I feel anyways.

So I was so bored this week and I was just like, I'm going into a negative funk here. I have got to do something positive. So I actually went up and I go, you know, after I started reading about Cincinnati, I was like, maybe I'll go to a museum. So the closest museum was this museum about the underground railroad. The underground. Not like that. That's what the Swedes call their call their subway. The underground.

In England, they call it the tube. You know, look at me fucking world traveler. I know how to say grilled cheese in five different languages. Oh, God, my brain's so fucking tired. Come on, Bill. You can make it. You can make it. Here we go.

What am I talking about here? So I go, all right, go to the underground railroad. Now, usually I don't like going to shit like that. Okay, I understand how evil white people are. And I've seen enough shit in my lifetime that I really don't want to be reminded. I go on YouTube. I see all the shit that people write. It's fucking, you know, it's depressing, but I'm figuring this is the underground railroad.

There's a happy ending after this shit, right? It starts off with the slavery, but then there's freedom, right? And there's going to be a big, you know, we are the world thing at the end, you know? So I walk in there and they give me this little radio and I go, all right. And I go, it's one of these museums where you start at the top and then you wind your way all the way down. And I walked in there and it was fucking horrific. It was horrific. Just seeing.

They stacked them up like fucking wood in these goddamn ships out. People's families getting separated and it was just in every fucking picture. Just had some black dude, a woman just getting a shit kicked out of him and then some evil looking white guy. And I quickly realized that was one of the only white people in there. So now I'm looking at black people and I'm feeling like an asshole. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry about that. I kind of got a little out of control. It wasn't really me.

It was my ancestors. I just want to get the fuck out of there, right? So it was brutal. I could only be in there for like half an hour, 40 minutes. And I was like, I already know this shit. I know this shit. I already know this shit. This fucking was horrible.

It was fucking horrible. And I just basically fast walked down like five flights of stairs to get. It wasn't even stairs. It was like a round thing. You know, I should have just been going, I'm sorry. All the way down, right? And then when I fucking went to leave, this is the best part. I handed my radio and I'm so full of white guilt at that point that I'm trying to be

friendly as possible. Then when I hand it to the lady, the lady behind the counter, this black woman, she goes, she goes, how did you enjoy the museum? And I was so trying to say something positive. I went too big. I went, it was great. Then I felt like an asshole. I sounded like I enjoyed it too much.

And I want to be like great, like informative, great, you know, not great, like, you know, slavery, slavery on two, on two, ready, break. Yeah, it was fucking, it was brutal. It was brutal. So I don't know, that's it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital.

Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better, better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097.