Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-4-20

Episode Date: June 5, 2020

Bill rambles about and Dad brain, boy bands, and Drew Brees-zuz.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. How the hell are you? Sorry, I'm a little bit late today and sorry, I am speaking in a hushed voice, but I'm doing that because I got the little baby boy came this week. I've become a dad again. My wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and we couldn't be more excited. Yeah, so I'm not getting a lot of sleep, but it's totally worth it and it's amazing. When you watch your wife go through a pregnancy, she's sitting there going like, I never want to do this. This is it. I'm done. I am done. You hear me? Stay away from me. I'm

done. And you're just sitting there going like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm sorry. And then the second you have the kid about two hours later, it's like, you want to have another one? Just kind of freaking on. I mean, how often do you get to see a miracle? You can make a miracle and have fun while you're doing it. Hey, you know what I'm saying, fellas? Yeah, so that's it. I have a son and a daughter. I got one of each and I feel like the luckiest guy on the planet right now. And you know, I missed all of this crazy stuff that is going on that I do believe something positive is going to come out of all of this. I'm seeing a lot of photos of police officers talking to protesters and all of that type of stuff. Well,

the fucking weirdest dude I've seen in recent memory, I don't know what the hell he's doing. Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to stay away from that shit. I really hate doing the politics things, but you know, I'm not living a life here where I'm just quarantined. So I got to go. Can I go with the low hanging fruit? All right. Not talking politics or anything like that here people, but that is one weird son of a bitch. Oh, yeah. I'm going to walk across the street, tear gas everybody, and then I'm going to stand with a scowl on my face holding up a Bible in front of a fucking church. Oh my God, there was so many funny memes about that. I mean, you basically could have done it to anybody. I mean, if I stood there holding a Bible,

then you could see all this shit that I said, but did you see that one where they had him saying, I just walked out and grabbed by the pussy, like they had that written there where they would say, you know, when the masses were. Anyway, oh, geez, Drew Brees got himself in hot water. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. You know, back in the day, when you just had thoughts, you just sent them to the people in your house. Why do people feel the fuck as I do a podcast by myself telling you everything that I'm thinking, why do people feel the need, especially when you're making that kind of money a fucking year? Why in God's name would you go and do that? You got to ask yourself, why would you do that? Well, it's simple. It's, it's, you know, it's easy. Ah,

that's not what it is. I don't know what the fuck it is, but I do know this. I found the reaction to that so fucking hilarious. Like if you look at what drew like, okay, go back to Kaepernick, right? And Kaepernick takes a kneel. A kneel takes a knee during the national anthem and says, this is about people of color protesting about the way they're treated in this country, second class citizens and blah, blah, blah. Right. And then everybody on the other side was like, hey, man, don't disrespect the flag. You fucking piece of shit. There's, you know, my uncle's in the fucking, you know, Navy SEALs fighting for your freedom and all this shit. So everyone, when that was going down on the left was just like, well, hey, man, like, first of all,

that's not the issue. The issue is this. It's not that man. And, uh, isn't he, it doesn't have free speech to like do what he wants. Part of his freedom, as he can do and say it, right? And all the people on the right who are engaging were all like, you fucking libtard, fucking snowflake, limousine, liberal, all that bullshit, right? Fast forward, Drew Brees writes his whole shit, right? His take on, uh, you know, the protesting and the, riots and all of that type of shit. And then it was literally the exact opposite. All the people on the left like, you fucking piece of shit, fucking you canceled this motherfucker. And then everybody on the right is like, well, hey, man, like he's just expressing his opinion, man. Like,

what's everybody getting so upset for him yet? Like they literally like change roles. Like, I remember a long time ago, I saw this play, uh, True West. All right. I don't know when, it was like the late nineties. I saw this, this play, True West, and it had, uh, Philip C Mohoffman and, um, and what's his face? Uh, John C Riley and every other performance, they would, they would switch roles. And I lit, that's the first thing that just reminded me of, like how everybody on the right was like, you know, you, you don't have a right to this fucking opinion. You're a fucking piece of shit. I have the fucking right to react to what he is, he's doing and, and, and take whatever he's trying to say and make what I've, you know,

frame, everybody's like a catcher trying to frame every ball. Like it's a strike to fit their fucking argument. And now the left is doing the exact same thing, the fucking Drew Brees. All right. I didn't agree with what the guy said, but you got, you're going to cancel the guy, you know, he's doing basically what everybody does. I, this is my, my Jesus, just my opinions here. I really believe there, there are two universes that everybody lives in the actual universe and the one between your ears. All right. And the one between your ears is so fucking vivid because you have all the pain, all the triumph, all the love, all the hate, all of the shit that's happened to you between your fucking ears. So there's no way anybody can tell

you that that, that's not fucking reality. So when people open the fucking hole in their head and they start spewing out words, this, they're basically saying, you know, where, where they are in the fucking universe. That's all it is. You don't have to agree with it. But I don't think attacking Drew Brees because you didn't like what he said is any more healthier than attacking Kaepernick for what he said, especially if you're trying to go in some sort of positive direction to try to bring people together. You know, I just, you know, it's like, all right, I don't agree with that, but I'm not going to argue with your, your right to say it. But in no way would I ever take what the fuck he said and try to spin it to my own

fucking political things. You know, now this is just, I'm talking as a white person here. Now somebody of color obviously is going to have an immediate visual reaction to what the fuck that guy said, which I understand that, but like all the white people jumping in and that type of shit. And just the fucking lying that is done on social media, because it was this, it was sort of a funny meme, but it was, it showed a picture of everybody that was supporting what Drew Brees was saying. And it was a bunch of white people and they all had like these dark sunglasses on. And I'm thinking like, there's no fucking way everybody that agreed with them had the dark sunglasses on what they did was they got a bunch of them and they got a bunch

that looked alike and then posted it so they could further solidify their fucking point, which in a way is a lie. The whole thing is fucking bizarre. I don't know what is going on, but I don't get that. You're going to cancel. You said something I don't like. I'm going to cancel you. You know, you're kneeling during the national anthem. I'm going to call the owner of the team and say, I'm not buying any more jerseys until that guy stands up. Shut the fuck up. Bunch of fucking lunatics, lunatics. You're an adult. Somebody said something you don't agree with. Fine. Okay. That's it. You don't have to politicize fucking, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I think, you know, Drew Brees, it's like, all right, if you don't like what

the guy said, I mean, this initial, the initial angry reaction, I get that. But then, you know, maybe that will lead him towards some sort of, I don't know, coming towards the middle. Let's get in the middle, everybody. Huh? We're all rocking the boat here. Let's get in the fucking middle. All right. How about something positive here? I got a bunch of people I need to thank here. First of all, my lovely wife for going through everything that she went for and just gave me the most beautiful baby boy I could have ever asked for. And one of the great moments in my life was seeing my daughter meet my son for the first time. And I was like, all nervous because, like, you know, she's been the star of the show. And I'm like, wow, is this going to be like a

a co-star, you know, situation? And she's going to be like, wait, I thought I had all the lines. Why is this person taking half of my lines? And it was, it was the exact opposite. When she saw him, she's like, went like, she took like a breath and put a little hand up to her mouth, man. It was so cool. And she's absolutely fascinated by him and all of that, which was why I feel like I'm lucky that I had a daughter first, because the way little girls, it's amazing their reaction to babies, you see, like that motherly instinct and like little boys, generally speaking, could give a fuck. They just looked at like, oh, yeah, cool. And then like, go and fucking break something. So anyway, I was supposed to do a bunch of press over the next couple of

days. Obviously, I can't because I'm going to be changing diapers and trying to sleep and doing all that type of stuff. So there's a few people I just wanted to thank. I want to thank everybody over at Universal, Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson, everybody else for, you know, being understanding that I couldn't do the press. Thank you guys all so much. And I was supposed to do Richard Herring's Lester Square Theater podcast. And we're definitely going to try to reschedule that. I'm trying to reschedule as much of this stuff that I can as we sort of just get ourselves, you know, solidified here. But thank you for all of them. They were so universal. Everybody was so cool, Judd. Everybody was so cool. Like, no, no, we get it. We get it. Don't worry. Don't worry. But,

you know, part of being in these things, part of having the privilege of being in a movie is you got to help sell the hell out of it and let people know that it's happening. So if you guys could do me a little solid the way Universal Judd and everybody else did me a solid over the next couple of days, if you guys on June 12th, the King of Staten Island will be streaming. If you guys, it's a fucking hilarious movie. I think my own biased opinion, if you guys and and Pete are so amazing in it, it's such an incredible story. If you could watch it, I would really, I would really appreciate it. So there you go. All right. There's this positive stuff. People can say things and people can get angry about them. But then, you know, you don't have to

fucking, how do you cancel a quarterback? You know, it's not like he was on the fuck was that the dragons out in the fields there? What the fuck was the show? I can't fucking remember. Lord of the, not Lord of the Rings. Come on, everybody was watching. It had the little evil king. I wanted to watch it. My wife wasn't into it. It was just too many episodes to just, you know, when there's that many fucking episodes, King of the Game of Thrones, King of Thrones, Game of Thrones, when there's that many fucking episodes and you're married and you're sleeping in the same bed, like there has to be, you got to come to the middle. It's like we have to pick, we got to pick a show. Oh, by the way, I saw a fucking amazing fucking goddamn show.

Geez, I got to clean my mouth here and I got two kids and I could brew one here. I want to make sure I get everybody's, yeah. Amanda Pete is in this, I forget what the name of the fucking show is. She plays this woman. Oh, does she, Bill? With Christian Slater, they play this married couple. It's based on a true story, dirty secrets. It's what it's called, dirty secrets. Oh, geez, the Betty Broderick story. And I got to tell you something. Amanda Pete's performance in this thing is so frigging incredible and then I actually looked up the real woman that she's playing because I was like going like, was this woman this unhinged? And then I just, I just saw pictures of her. I was just like, wow,

she is nailing this thing. And Christian Slater is absolutely crushing it playing her ex-husband and it is fucking wild. I think it's on the USA Network. We started watching it. I mean, I sort of paratrooped into this thing. I don't know how many episodes in they were, but I'm going to go back and watch this stuff. But Jesus Christ, what a performance and what a creepy story too. And it's kind of funny. It was like, basically, the overall story, the overall story, if you know a spoiler alert, just fast forward ahead for a couple minutes here. But it was basically, you know, man and woman get married. They had an old school relationship where she stayed at home, was a stay at home mom. He continued to work, built his career

at one point. He went after finishing medical school. He decided to get a law degree. He's going to be a lawyer. And then he was going to do, I guess, malpractice law or something like something that had to do with medicine or something, legal legalities of medicine. So when he went back to law school, she became the primary breadwinner. And then he became a lawyer and did all that and became what the hell he wanted to be. And then their marriage went south and he was having an affair with some chick he was working with that was way younger than her and yada, yada, yada. And so she snapped. And now she's in jail. We'll put it that way. I'm trying not to ruin this for you. And what was funny was it was like this story, this case was

groundbreaking because it opened up the whole topic of, you know, women sacrificing their own careers for their guys and then kind of being left with nothing. And I have to hand it to women, only women in a double murder case could still somehow make it about themselves. You know, because it is a legit argument. If you're sitting there and you're taking a backseat, well, your partner is getting all these credits and everything and then gets this ridiculous earning power as you supported them financially and then they walk. Yeah, that's definitely fucked up, but it's kind of a weird time to bring it up. After the woman who was in that situation killed two people, I mean, that's when you're kind of like, I don't think that's the

biggest issue here right now. I think maybe mental health might be the issue. I don't know. It just, it just, I forgot what I was going to say. Sorry, I got the dead brain here. It just struck me as fucking hilarious that during that time, you know what I mean? Like if a guy killed a woman and then during that time, you know, the case, okay, a guy kills a woman and it brings up this criticism that men have for women. Just imagine a world where you could pull that off, you know? I mean, ladies, you just, you got to understand, you know, when your husband's about ready to snap and just you got, you got to, you have to at some point let him sit on a couch and put his feet up. A man sitting down is not a trigger for you now to think of something that you could tell him to

go do, right? Can you imagine bringing up that kind of shit? What's, you know, oh, you know what that reminds me of? That guy killing his ex-wife, you know, that reminds me of my wife has this thing that she does. Just, just hear me out. This is all going to come full circle. Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about on this podcast, people. I got, you know, I got maybe two hours, three hours sleep last night. My swaddle game is flat lined. I mean, I came in, I'm not going to lie to you, I came in a little cocky, you know what I mean? I was watching the, you know, the rookie that they put in starting and I was sitting there, you know, looking like the grizzled vet on the sidelines, like, I got this, he's going to fuck up. And

then I'm going to, I've been through this shit before, well, two minutes left in the game. I got this shit. I've done it before, completely forgot how to do it. Just failing miserably, changing a poopy diaper while looking at a, watching a video, how to swaddle. My boy is strong, man. You know, it's all about getting that first arm down and then you bring it across and then he's kind of like locked in and he just, he just like powers his way back up through it. Granted, my swaddle game's a little off, but, and he was definitely voicing his displeasure. He was definitely arguing the call when I was doing that. So anyway, I'm just psyched that we're home. That's the, that's always the big thing, you know, when you have the kid,

my, my big thing is you just want happy, healthy, all of that stuff. And then the next thing is like, I just want to get everybody home. I never feel relaxed until we're home. So now we're finally home and, uh, can sort of, I guess you can't relax because I still, you know, freak out about shit, but like, at least I'm, I'm in a, a comfort zone of my house. I'll tell you what was hilarious. Like the night before my wife went into labor, I was like, I was looking at dirt bikes online. And I'm going to tell you why I was doing that, not because I'm an idiot. I mean, that, that's sort of a given, but I was just sort of on this one. I was like really in denial of the, uh, the level of, uh, work that I knew because the first time I didn't, I had no idea,

right? What was ahead of me? And this time I did. So I was so excited when my wife was pregnant through about mid second trimester, trimester, sorry, trimester, that's semester and trimester for you keeping score at home. Um, so I think I was just like in denial. I was psyched that I was having another kid, but I was also like dreading the lack of sleep and then thinking like, Oh God, I got an, I already have a kid. I have to be watching like, how the hell is this whole thing going to work? So, you know, I was just, you know, watching helicopter videos and dirt bike videos and, um, somebody, uh, sent me this, a buddy of mine. He just bought this thing. I never even heard of these bikes. I don't know what the new TE 250. I takes the low

maintenance simplicity of a two stroke and makes it even simpler with the aid of electronic fuel injection. See, I love that right off the bat. I'm an old guy. I don't want to kickstart this fucking thing as some fucking black bears sizing me up in the middle of nowhere. I want to just start it up and get the fuck out of there. This means that fueling is self adjusted, removing the need for jetting changes while two strokes, two stroke oil is pumped independently at regulated ratios, eliminating the need to pre-mix fuel. Whether you are riding at different altitudes in varying terrain or changing temperature, fuel injection ensures a perfectly controlled power delivery every time. So it burns cleaner. It lasts longer. It's easy to start.

And I believe a two stroke versus a four stroke is the amount of time, like two strokes is it fires, it goes, the piston goes down, comes back up, it fires every time it goes to the top of the cylinder where a four stroke is like bang, two, three, four, bang, two, as it's going up and down. And I always heard the four strokes were cleaner, um, but they weren't as quick, which I was totally into. I'm not a speed guy, right? I like sedans, pickup trucks, not the fucking souped up ones either. I like to just the fucking, you know, I mean, I like to have some horses under the hood damn not gonna lie, but I, I, um, yeah, I just like fucking, I'm just more fascinated by them. You see, you know, back when I used to fly helicopters, I think I'll get back to it someday.

Um, yeah, I was never into doing like crazy shit, you know, like I had a buddy of mine just texted me, right? He just told me this story as he fucking, he was, he flies out and like fucking, I don't know, somewhere in the Midwest. He told me there was a suspension bridge and he flew underneath it. I go, get the fuck out of here. I go, I didn't know you could do that. I go, is that legal? And he was just like, uh, you know, I don't know, lol. He goes, but I was flying with my dad, so I had to do it, right? So, um, it was hilarious because then my next text to him was like, oh, by the way, you know, my wife gave birth to a baby boy a couple of days ago and he goes, Jesus Christ,

I would have led with that. And I was like, well, you know, I didn't want to take the steam out of you taking your dad under a suspension bridge. So, um, I don't know, dad brain, I don't know what the fucking point of that story was. Uh, was there a point that probably wasn't a point? There's no point to this fucking thing. So, uh, anyway, yeah, I was just looking at a bunch of stuff like that and like, I always wanted to learn how to ride a motorcycle and those who've listened to this podcast for a long time, I don't know, some like six, seven years ago, I took the motorcycle safety course. I learned how to ride one. And then I rode one around LA for like two months and I haven't written since just because somebody almost took my head off the way people are texting while driving

out here. And I was just, you know, it was funny when I, I didn't even think about dying. I thought about like fucking up my leg or losing a leg and not being able to play drums. And I was just like, I can't do that, you know? So now I'm like, well, if I get a dirt bike, I can still like, that's one of those man things. You just want to know how to do it. You want to know how to fucking ride a motorcycle, right? So I'm thinking I could, you know, go out in the dirt, trails or whatever. And, uh, but then you get out there and then you got to worry about like, you know, you see these fucking videos of like fucking mountain lions and shit chasing people on mountain bikes and stuff. I don't know. I always like get freaked out about, there's always something you got to

worry about. This is why I stopped riding a motorcycle because I was riding scared. So I was going to get hit sooner rather than later. So I decided against that, but, uh, I have to fucking tell you though, man, like I absolutely love them. You know, I fucking love them. And I go on YouTube and I watch those videos of these fucking young kids just doing crazy shit. And which I think is stupid because you're taking other people's lives in your hands at that point. But like, um, I kind of gravitate towards the, uh, the old man bikes, the big bikes, you know, which I was wondering for guys who ride who listen to this podcast, if you get a bigger bike like that, I have to think it's safer in that people can kind of see you. I mean,

some of those bikes, when you get like the windscreen on the front, you're, you are as big as a smart car, right? Um, I don't know, Verzi always said it best to me. He goes, dude, the fact that you're riding something down the street that you could just fall off of, you know, you can't fall off a car unless you're riding. You're basically riding on the outside of a two-wheeled car and that you can go that fast is just insane. And then I also find it amazing the amount of people that are terrified of a motorcycle, but in two seconds they would get on a fucking scooter without even thinking about it. And it's just like, so are you just scared of the speed or are you just scared of having to know how to like shift and downshift and turn and all of that? I mean,

like I like, it's just such a weird thing. It's like, it's kind of like sharks and killer whales. Like that there's a shark in the water. No one's going in the water, but if there's like a killer whale, they're like, Oh, SeaWorld. And I've been watching these videos and like killer whales eat sharks and legit sharks. A killer whale can fucking eat a great white shark. For some reason, they don't fuck with humans as much. But you know, the way we're fishing out the ocean, you got to think at some point we're going to be on the menu. And not to mention, every once in a while, they do kill their instructor down there at the SeaWorld, right? Is there a word for that? You know, like if you kill your mom, it's matricide. There's patricide. Is there a word for killing your boss?

Let's see, matricide. What a thing to look up. Patricide. What is killing your boss called? Bosseside list of types of killings. Oh, Jesus. All right. Oh, it's all side. Suicide. We all know that one. Autoside. Suicide by automobile. Metaside. Oh, these are all the killing self. There's suicide, autoside, metaside, murder suicide, self-immolation. Suicide is a form of protest often by fire. Fuck. Suicide by cop, acting in a threatened manner as to provoke. A lethal response from law enforcement. There's a major joke I could make there, but I'm trying not to divide people here. Okay. All right. Killing of other people. All of these types are considered homicide. Do you know what's so fucked up? I never noticed

that side was at the end of everything. Killing of family. All right. You guys want to get dark here? What is it? A vuncle side. I swear to God. A vuncle side is the killing of an uncle. Familicide is multiple victim homicide where the killer's spouse and children are slow. I don't want to get into this. I'll just read them. Filicide, fraternity, terroricide, gerotysicide. Let's get out of the killing of the family here. Killing of others, casualty, death in wartime, collateral damage, death during wartime due to imprecise or incorrect targeting or friendly fire. All right. This is all depressing. Oh, here's what I was getting. Killing of superiors. Deicide. Killing a God or a divine being. Episcopaside. Killing a bishop.

Oh, a Piscopaside. I can't say this shit. Killing of a king. Killing of a tyrant. Tyrannicide. So isn't that maybe that'd be like if you thought your boss was that bad? I don't know. I won't give somebody a defense for doing that. That was a weird place to go to. I don't know why. I don't know. Why am I thinking this? I just brought a life into the world and now I'm talking about all the different kinds of fucking death. And with that, I think it's a good time to do a little advertising here. Oh, but it's beyondies. It's beyondies, everybody. Meondies. Meondies. There's nothing funny about death. Meondies. Meondies until you smell your fucking breath. Between your legs, wear and tidy. Whitey's. Everything's going off here. Put on some meondies

to give you junk some fresh breath. Sorry. All right. Meondies, do you guys know about a thing called June Gloom? It's this said simply because it rhymes? Three hour sleep people and I'm dumb. Just hang with me here. That's ridiculous. What could possibly be gloomy about June? Discovering those undies in your mailbox while June's non-gloom sunshine is bronzing your shoulders. I would love to know what that feels like. At this point, the situation is hypothetical, but we're going to tell you how to make it real. Meondies has this brilliant thing called the undies membership, where every month, the softest undies ever appear at your door. The convenience factor is clutch. You never

have to leave the house. Oh, and you always get site-wide savings, early access and free shipping. It's pure joy because when undies greet you in your mailbox, June Gloom is doomed. Meondies are made from micro-modal and irresistibly soft, sustainable fabric that encases your nether regions in a cloud-like comfort. It's magical. Made from trees. Another reason to give them a hug. Meondies, well, it's made from trees. That's weird. Why would you give it a hug like you guys are hippies here? Meondies are offered in a range of sizes from extra small to 4XL. Meondies has a great offer from my listeners. For any first-time purchasers, you get 15% off in free shipping. You got to give this super softness a try, especially because they have 100%

satisfaction guaranteed. You get your 15% off your first order of free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to meondies.com. That's meondies.com. All right. Oh, simply safe. Something we all want to be right now. What's the number one sign of a bad home security system? A home security system that's so complicated, you never use it. Jesus Christ, I've been there. This is exactly the type of security system Simply Safe has spent a decade fighting against. They believe that Simple is safer and it's exactly why Simply Safe is the home security for right now. When feeling safe at home has never been more important. Is that leftover from COVID or is that commenting on the other stuff? That's weird. Simply Safe was designed to be easy to use while protecting your whole

home 24-7. Order online with a click of the button. Open the box. Place the sensor. Plug it in and your home is protected around the clock. No technician or salesperson has to come and disrupt your house. You don't need to pay any outrageous monthly fees or sign a two-year contract. Simply Safe was named best overall home security of 2020 by US News and World Report. And the 24-7 professional monitoring and emergency dispatch starts at 50 cents a day. Head to SimplySafe.com. Get free shipping and a 60-day money back guarantee that SimplySafe.com slash burr. S-I-M-P-L-I safe.com slash burr. B-U-R-R to make sure they know that our show sent you. Oh, look who's here, everybody. Stamps.com. Oh, from back in the day, the first advertisers ever.

Stamps.com, for all our sakes, we need to avoid crowds anyway we can right now. But what if you need to go to the post office? That's why that is why you need Stamps.com. Anything you can do at the post office, you can do at Stamps.com. Print postage on demand and skip those lines and crowds at the post office. Plus, you can actually save some money with discounts that you can't even get at the post office. And if that wasn't enough, Stamps.com also offers UPS services with discounts up to 62% and no UPS residential surcharges. You've heard me talk about Stamps.com. They've been sponsoring the show for over seven years now. And if you haven't tried it, what are you waiting for? Plus, Stamps.com is completely online, which saves you time. No more

inconvenient trips to the post office. Stamps.com brings all the service of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer in the safety and comfort of your own home, office, or anywhere else you are hunkering down right now. Whether you are a small business sending invoices and online sellers shipping out products, or you're just working from home and need to mail stuff, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Simply use your computer to print U.S. Postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send. Once your mail is ready, just leave it for your mail carrier. Schedule a free package pickup or drop it in the mailbox. No human contact required. It's that simple. Right now, my listeners get a special offer

that includes a four-week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment. Just go to Stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, at Stamps.com. Stamps.com, enter Burr. Stay safe, my friends. All right, so there you go. That is the podcast, everybody. Thank you all for listening. Please, June 12th, watch The King of Staten Island and season four of F is for Family. Thank you to everybody listening out there. What else? What else? What else? We get a little bit of bonus music here and then a, not bonus, but we have a little bit of music, a little music interlude here and then a bonus half-hour episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday,

Monday, morning podcast from a previous Thursday a year ago, 10 years ago. I don't know how that all works. All right, that's it. I apologize if this was all jumbled up. Everybody, try to come together. Let's try to work on this, try to become a better person. Stuff like this doesn't happen. Oh, yeah, remember COVID? Man, they just got knocked right off the charts, didn't they? Huh? Knocked right off the charts like a boy band that's on their third album. COVID just got sent fucking packing. I'm surprised they weren't all, you can't, we'd love to hear what you guys have to say, but unfortunately, these types of gatherings are not allowed, not because we're violating the Constitution. We're just trying to keep everybody safe. So if you guys would just protest six feet

apart from one another, no groups larger than five or six, we would greatly appreciate that, tremendously appreciate that. All right, that's it. Sorry, that was my last attempt at trying to be funny. I'm too fucking tired. I swear to God, I'm going to get some sleep this weekend and I'm going to come back fucking swinging on Monday, Monday, Monday. All right, that's it. God bless you. Go fuck yourselves and I'll see you. Have a great weekend. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 4th, 2012, 2012. How are you? How's it going? I know, I know, it's a little late. It's a little late, but you know, can't you just go twiddle your thumbs and do something else for a minute,

you know, instead of going on my Twitter and breaking my balls. I know what you're thinking, Bill, you don't really don't have a fucking day job. So there's really no excuse for you having this podcast late once again. Well, listen, if you've noticed like Axl Rose, I am also a balding redheaded performer and we are notorious for starting shows late for sitting in our trailers, you know, making sure our kilts fit correctly. That's when you knew that band was just fucking really was just going over the top and there was nobody saying no in their camp when he came out, you know, when they wore the kilts, they say, what are you doing? All right, you're not Scottish. I'm sure you have some sort of Scottish

heritage. You're ginger-bested in your blood, but you know, you're from fucking Rhode Island or whatever, Indianapolis. Where was he from? Illinois? What? You're in America. It's not a kilt. Let's say St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day, I'll look the other way. Other than that, you're wearing a fucking dress. You know, and who stole it years later? Kurt Cobain came out wearing a summer dress because he was sad and he thought maybe if he felt a little pretty that, you know, Jesus, Bill, you're really going to say, well, fuck it. I'll say it. Maybe he wouldn't stick a fucking gun in his mouth. You know, where the fuck do you get off making fun of that? Oh, fuck you. Believe it or not, I'm actually in a great mood. The risk is the reason why I was late

today. This is my, this is my, the dog ate my homework excuse was I finally went out riding a motorcycle today. That's what I did. I had a manly morning. What did you do? Huh? You sit down and eat some fucking lucky charms? Huh? You pansy? You sitting there smelling like gas? I don't think you are. Is there any worse when somebody just picks up a new hobby and then they go out and they just buy all the gear and then they start walking around like they're fucking Clint Eastwood? Well, lucky for you guys. I'm not one of those guys. And the only reason why I'm not is because I'm an old bastard now. And one of the great things about being in an old bastard, about being an old bastard, one of the great things aside from having an enlarged prostate is, is you know your limits.

You've gotten fucked up. Somebody kicked you in the head by now. You fell down a flight of stairs. You fucked up some relationships. You know, people you know, have gotten fucked that you, you realize, you realize that there's not some dude in the air that gives a shit about you. You know, that you have some sort of guardian angel just looking out for you. No, if you're a fucking idiot, eventually you're going to get fucked up. Well, is that true though? There's a couple of golden childs out there. No, doesn't everybody just know that guy that you've just been predicting? You know, a guy's going to get his fucking ass kicked. I'm telling you, it's going to happen. Remember, remember this conversation. Remember, I said it. Okay. Well, fucking guy,

he doesn't show any respect. He's always running his fucking yap. I tell you, I would have done it if I didn't have so much to lose. You know, I would have kicked his fucking ass if X, Y, and Z this scenario, my wife wasn't yelling at me, you know, and you just keep predicting that this guy is going to get his ass kicked. And you know, there's always that guy where it just never happens. And once they hit 40, and if you've never got your ass kicked by 40, it's pretty much not going to happen unless there's some sort of home invasion. You know, I would think, or unless for some reason you take up drugs late in your life, right? You end up eating somebody's fucking face and growling at the cops. It's just, you know, isn't it unbelievable that I refuse to

watch that video. And if you if you watch that video like before, if you haven't watched it yet, you know, just those videos, that's like, get just deliberately putting a virus on your computer, you don't want that shit in your own personal hard drive, you don't want that, you don't want that rolling around in your head. You don't want to see that shit. You have a fucking meat like, you know, veterans who've really seen some shit, be it military or cops, or whatever, prison guards, they got that look on their face, they just seen too much shit, Christmas music starts fading away in the background, you just why would you deliberately do that to yourself? All right, it already sounded horrific enough. It's already making my stomach

turn. I mean, that's just what kind of world do we live in, whether it's something like that app, that's the new drug. I mean, on one hand, you got to hang it, hand it to the youngsters, you know. Every time, you know, you think your generation has taken it to the limit, the next generation somehow figures out a way to top you. It's one of the great things about human beings. That's why cars keep getting better, right? People figure out how to make a sandwich a little more tastier, but just you just keep improving. And, but that also goes with evil shit. And I always thought, you know, the crack 80s, when I saw crack babies, I was like, that's it, I don't know how you top that, you know, some little shivering fucking guinea pig of a kid,

never had a goddamn chance comes out addicted to crack. How do you beat that? You know, and then along came meth heads, right? It sounds like the beginning of some spin off sitcom, right? Like meth heads was the flow from Alice to crack babies. If you were making a sitcom about drug use, you know, male kiss my grits. That was fucking meth heads. Just go with me on this. Don't be a what else you're going to do, huh? Go to work, sit in your cubicle and actually get something done and earn a fucking living. That's right. Wrinkly your fucking nose at me in my podcast. What are you doing? Huh? Eating those yellow Oreo cookies you got down from the vending machine at those tasty. They are, aren't they? Now your blood sugar starting to crash. Look at you.

Big stupid head on your hand acting like you're trying to figure something out on your computer. You're not, you know, maybe you're in an airport. And you just finished off some fucking horrible food. All right. Now you're going to go waddle your ass onto a goddamn airplane. Um, that one doesn't have to do with anything. So anyways, then you had meth heads. Who I thought were basically real life zombies. As far as you, as far as you could take it. And then along comes this guy along came Polly, right? Just like the movie, except Philip Seymour Hoffman's eating somebody's face. How great is that fucking basketball scene, by the way? Ray dance. Old school, old school is the best. Um,

eating somebody's goddamn face. I refuse to believe that that's the drug's fault. I think you, you got to be like already a maniac. And then you do some new psycho drug. But who knows? Maybe that's the new thing. Maybe that's what the kids are doing. And then the guy fucking survives. And now you're in the hospital. I mean, I would just be like, dude, kill me. I was laying in a hospital bed and then they're acting like they're going to somehow fucking do a face transplant on me. Like from what? Bill, can you hear us in there? Listen, we have your stabilized. We've got new. I would immediately just, I would be just start feeling around my hospital table for a pen.

And I would just be like, shoot me. Actually, you know what? I wouldn't. I wouldn't because then they would be like, well, we have to prevent him from doing what he wants to do to himself right now. And so I actually, I wouldn't say that. I would just write, oh, great. I'm gonna post it and then stick it to my non-existent forehead. And I just keep pointing to it every time they talk to me. And then the second I felt like I was alone. How would I do it? That'd be great. Just roll right out the fucking hospital window with your ass hanging out of the back of that robe. I'm sorry. I feel bad for that guy and everything.

I'm not making fun of that guy, but like, I don't have the internal strength. Like, you ever see that shit like when, uh, like Christopher Reeve gets thrown off a horse, hits the ground like a fucking lawn dart snaps his neck. And then the next Oscars, he's wheeling himself out with his like tongue smiling at the crowd. Like I feel fortunate to be alive. I feel lucky. There's no fucking way if I'm ever presented with that challenge that I'm going to handle that even remotely in a dignified way. There's no fucking way I'm gonna, I'm not as strong as those people. I'll just be, I will just be, you know, like I said, sounds great. It was going to be right on my fucking forehead and I'm going to steer my chair

right down a flight of stairs and that's it. It's over. I'm willing to roll the dice, you know, about what happens after you, after here personally, you know, these fucking people who, who, who go through shit like that and then are able to continue on with their lives and like, you can see these fucking people. They're like, you know, right in a fucking novel with their left foot. You know, I'm sitting, my girl's like, take out the recycling. I'm like, I mean, I just, you know, if there is a higher power, I think he knows who to fucking challenge. He's taking a look at me, you know, oh geez, we'll let that one go. This fucking asshole can't even make the goddamn bed. I'm going to send him flying off a fucking horse. Are you serious?

Um, so anyways, let's get on with my day here. I had a phenomenal day. I went dirt like riding this morning for the first time ever, never rode a motorcycle. And I gotta admit, I did all right for a night. I was driving around for like an hour and then next thing you know, they talked me into going out on the track where they had jumps and shit. And, but it wasn't like, you know, they were fucking steep for me, but they had like the plateau so you could ride, ride over them like a little bitch, which is exactly what I did. And it's why I didn't get hurt a couple times. And you know, I got into like second gear and I kind of was like, whoa, and there was like a fucking fence with the telephone pole. And I was like, yeah, you know, I don't want to be doing

that. I don't want to be fucking laying there, you know, with my rib cage slammed into all my vitals. I don't feel like doing that. So I, you know, I kept it slow. Then I got on the track and was hilarious. I thought I was flying when I was on the track, but someone was taking video of it, which I will give you. I will put up on the podcast page. Hopefully if if it's sent to me by the time I post this, I'll definitely at least have some photos. But I thought I was flying right like that that that was flying. Then I watched the video I looked like looked like I was riding like a fucking moped. But anyways, I drove around for like two hours. Got it down pretty goddamn good. And I only ate shit once. I was on the track and every

I don't even know what happened. It was like I was up and then I wasn't. I was like, I got it. It's going good, man. I want to kick up some dirt. That was it. Landed on my shoulder, jacked up my thumb a little bit. And you know what I did? The old man and me said, you know what, Bill? You know what? I think I think that's good for a day. I think that's good. I rode right off the track. I went around it one more time, you know, just so I'm not like afraid of it. And then I just went over and I pulled up to the truck and I got some water. The instructor dude came up. Hey, you want to ride around again? I was like, nah, you know what? I think I'm good. One face plant is good. I got a podcast I have to do.

I got the gist of this shit. I'll definitely be coming back. It was a great time, man. It was such a good time. I took my truck out there, met the buddy of mine. He had the buddy who was going to have a couple of bikes. Just just an adventure today. You know, we got off at the exit. There was these two dogs that look healthy. They're just running down the fucking highway. Tongues hanging out like, you know, big spoon tongues and we were pulled over, picked them up, gave them some water, parked in the shade, let them hang out there. Fucking awesome dogs. They were filthy, but they were well fed and they had collars. So we, it was hilarious, like right next to the track was this guy. He had like a fucking,

just was living in like a double wide like motocross. You're there for two seconds. Did you just feel it? It is, it is a white trash sport. That's why I loved it. You know, my fucking inner redneck, you know, I mean, you could just feel it, you know, gas, gears, meth, the whole fucking thing was right there, you know, mullets. You know, everybody there sucked at math, but they could convert a lawn mower into like a fucking Ferrari if they had to, you know, or at least a Mustang, that whole vibe. So right next to the track was this guy had like a double wide. He had like fucking 20 dogs. So the dude who picked up the dogs is going, well, let's just drop them because we yelling and the guy didn't come. I'm like, well, let's just drop them over the fence.

And I, you know, I watch that dog whisper shit. And I see like when a dog comes up to the pack and everybody starts freaking out. And I'm like, I don't know about this guys. I don't know. So we lift the dogs up and the pack of media is just like, all right, not a good idea. Not a good, we almost threw these dogs to their death. So we ended up putting them back in the truck. I know there's a couple of people who know a lot of stuff about dogs right now. Don't worry. It has a happy ending. Okay. So you can relax. All right. Get off the edge of your staple seat, your Ikea chair. This has a good ending. So we ended up going to the track. We parked in the shade and the dogs immediately just, you know, passed out. They were so exhausted, poor things.

And they were friendly as hell. So when we were done, we ended up just looking up the Humane Society and they had a drop off and we went over there and we came walking in with them. Didn't have leashes were like carrying them in and shit. And we come walking like, Hey, how you doing? My whole head is like, please, you're not going to kill these dogs in like 20 minutes, right? So we brought them in the second we came walking and they were like, Jesus Christ, those dogs are back again. We know those dogs and you know, they said they were microchipped, scanned them and shit. And which was unsettling. Because one of my buddies is going like, Oh, these things are microchipped, you know, then the conspiracy theorist and me is just like,

yeah, we're next. That's what they're going to do. They bring us into after we escape a FEMA camp onto your papers, please. And they're going to fucking tackle your scan you and send you right back to your camp in Fresno. But let's get back to the happy ending. So they knew the dogs, they scanned them, they called the owner and then they ended up coming down and getting the dog. So we did a good deed. All right, that's why the podcast is late, because I was acting like a fucking eight year old. But we rescued dogs along the way. Isn't that a nice story? I got to tell you something, if you've never gone dirt bike riding, you got to do it. And I can't imagine when I saw some of the kids down there, getting to ride those bikes like how fucking incredible

that must be. You know, so remember when you were a kid, you just sitting there riding in the back, you're always the passenger and then all of a sudden one day you turn 1515 and a half and get your permit next, you know, you're driving down the street. It's the greatest fucking feeling ever to feel that at eight to go from literally like like fucking a half hour later, flying around the track. It's just incredible to me. But anyways, it was an awesome time. And I don't know, but I don't know if I have time for another hobby. And I got to tell you, like, you know, it was fun, but it was fucking scary. I didn't know I was doing at one point, like I let out the clutch, and I just started flying. I'm in the parking lot, it's all dirt, and I'm heading towards these trees

and these cars. And fortunately, I remain calm. And I had to like, I had to like think, what do you do pushing the clutch and here's the break. Okay, and it's the exact opposite where, you know, I'm used to driving my truck, I push in the clutch with my foot, brakes obviously with the foot. And now it's the opposite, unless you use the back brake, which is on the right side, the whole fucking thing. But I was able to come. It was hilarious. I stopped and when I turned around, I saw everybody in the parking lot was laughing. And I was just sitting there like, dude, I am just a fucking YouTube video waiting to have I should have had epic fail, written across my shoulders. It was, it was a little sketchy in

the beginning, but I just kept, you know, you know, I watched a couple of YouTube videos on how to ride a motorcycle and they were just like, look, just keep, you know, keep it in first gear, let out the clutch, get going a little bit and then learn how to stop and then just keep doing that over and over again. So I just kept doing that over and over again. So once you can slow the fucker down, you're all right. And I was I got it into second gear a couple of times. But like I said, I wasn't, you know, I wasn't trying to break my collarbone, or even worse, fucking be a lawn dart right into the I'm just not I'm not I'm too old. I can't make a comeback from that shit, you know, you know, kids are all positively like fall out of a skyscraper and like, yeah, I'm good,

you know, put on some cartoons, they're like up and walking in like a week like that would have broke me as a human being. I'm not I'm just a shit talking asshole. But when it comes to stuff like that, like I'm not I know my limits. I fucking know them. There's a couple of times I got it up in the second gear. And that fucking voice that you ignore when you're a youngster, that voice that's going to what the fuck are you doing and just plays out the scenario, you know, of laying in the back of the ambulance and that guy flashing the penlight in your eyes, just playing out that scenario, and all the canceled gigs I would have. And every time, you know, and fucking it's below 30 degrees out my fucking liver hurts, like I just played all of that. Every time I thought of that,

I just kept slowing down. So but it was fucking awesome, man. And, and that's it. There you go. There's my dirt bike story. That's why I'm late. All right. Okay, so this is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. Did you got you did you watch some fucking sports about them Celtics, the fucking kid, they tied it up. What I say, what I fucking did. I fucking said it. Oh, yeah, fuck, you're such a fucking con dude. The fucking Celtics tied it up. Holy shit. Amazing. I got to tell you something right now. I have an the utmost respect for fans of the NBA. It is the most fucked up nerve wracking game. It's it's, I can't even explain it. No team can go up by 20 points and fucking hold the lead. They just can't do it up by 24.

And all of a sudden Stern calls the refs to fuck you guys doing the rule is 15 points 15 or more. And then they just start to tweet to tweet tweet tweet tweet, foul away from the ball. And I've never watched this sport where you hear the announcers review a call, like six times a game, they go, I don't know what he was looking at there. Anyways, Rondo pushes the ball up court, you know, how many fucking times it's the most frustrating sport I've ever watched in my life when the Celtics were up by. Oh, yeah, by like 15 or whatever scored 61 in the first half. And then all of a sudden you score 28 in the second half. It's like, what is going on with that? That doesn't make any sense to me.

Like when a pitcher comes out and he's on and he's got his stuff, he has his stuff. He doesn't like pitch pitch lights out for four ratings and then like let up like 19 fucking home runs. Doesn't happen. He's fucking NBA. They said they're up by 24 points. And then all of a sudden they can't get a call. They can't get a bucket and all of a sudden it's a fucking four point nail biter. We were up by 24 points after three quarters, game three, 24. If you score 24 points, that's a solid quarter worth of fucking points. And somehow it went down to being like an eight point game and I was just losing my shit. And the more I was watching it, I was just convinced that it's manipulated by the refs. I don't give a fuck what you say. There's no other official

that has more power than an NBA referee. They can kick people out of the fucking game. Okay, you can call attentional grounding on Peyton Manning. You can call, uh, you know, some bullshit forward lateral or some crap, but you can't kick Tom Brady out of the goddamn game unless he throws a punch. You know what I mean? I guess you can as he verbally abused you a touch, but he has to do something. But in basketball, you can just call phantom fouls. Like if I bet, if I bet the game, this is all you got to do. Who's the best player on that team? This is what you do right out of the gate. You give him two quick fouls. Now he's on the fucking bench probably for the rest of the first quarter. He comes out in the second quarter. Now you got to give him his third, but you know,

you got to wait a few minutes, you know, however the game's going, you wait a few minutes, then you give him his third, right? So and so is in foul trouble. Third quarter starts. He's on the fucking bench. And now you want the other team to make a run that fucko comes off the bench. You give him his fourth, tee him up, maybe a couple of technicals. I like, I watched that game yesterday. It goes into overtime. It's a playoff game. Paul Pierce fouls out. LeBron James fouls out. Two fucking best guys out there, arguably, you know, and they're sitting on the bench. You don't watch hockey and all of a sudden fucking, you know, whoever you want to call the fucks, even in the finals now, Eli Ash, you know, Zach Parisi, however the fuck you say their names, I hate the devils,

I never watch them. You know, oh, that's his third fucking cross check that said he's out of the game and like the bed like Gretzky and Lemieux are just sitting there on the bench, fouled out, and then like the scrubs come in and they can't hit fucking free throws. I just it's unbelievably frustrating, frustrating fucking game to watch. But we're tied up. We're tied up. So did that make any goddamn sense? If you guys ever watch those YouTube videos when you see what when you see what's his face when you see that whole Sacramento series, Sacramento Kings, that was against the LA Lakers 2002 series that was allegedly fixed. You saw right there how to fix a game. They just fouled out both their centers on bullshit fucking calls. And then you just let Shaq run wild. They

still almost lost the game. I don't know, man. You know what it is? I'm so sick of people like being a hockey fan, unless you run into another hockey fan. It's the weirdest sport to be a fan of because people just shit all over. Well, why did they let him fight? I can't see the puck. And after watching the NBA for like the last three weeks, it's like, why don't you worry about the mobbed up refs in your league? You know, I think the NBA is is basic. It's a pure game. It's a beautiful game. But it's basically a traveling gambling ring. As far as I can tell, the players gamble with each other. They get into fist fights on planes. They bring guns to the fucking arena. You had a mobbed up ref, you know, and then they pulled the Lee Harvey Oswald. He acted alone, horseshit, right?

You have the biggest star of the game has to mysteriously just retires for a year and a half. And then one of his loved ones essentially is murdered like execution style. Like there's a lot of shit. There's a lot of shit going on. So why don't you go fuck yourselves with your criticisms of hockey? Okay, I can recognize NBA is a great game, but your league, it's a little fucked up. And as far as you guys who can't see the puck, why don't you start by looking at the guy that everybody seems to be focused on? All right, that's usually the guy with the puck, the black object against the white surface that you for some reason can't see. Speaking of which, I'm trying to go to game four. The LA Kings. You know, what's the best thing about about the LA Kings making the

playoffs is listening to the local spot sports radio shows like have to talk hockey, dude, they are fucking flailing out here. And listen to that that that Max and Marcellus show, that's the show I always listen to and they're great and everything. But when it comes to hockey, they don't know a fucking thing. Max is just hitting you with basic. They got there quicker than any other team. Big team. They're playing together. He's nothing. The guy's got nothing. This is funny, like two weeks early, I was listening to his show and some jackass called them was going, yeah, I'm a casual fan of hockey. I go to a couple of games a year. You know, if they just would tell you what a cross check is, it's like right there, it's like, dude, you're not a casual fucking fan. That would be

like me saying I'm a casual fan of the NBA. I go to a couple games a year. If they just tell me what traveling is, it's like, how do you not pick that up? Within the first fucking period and a half. All the criticism criticism against hockey. So we're doing I love when they go, why do they have two half times? It's like, dude, why don't you go back to basic math and realize that it's mathematically you can't have two half times. Right? They have a third time and a two thirds time. You want to get technical, technical, correct? All right. Anyway, this is the podcast. Hey, you know what time it is? It's time for some fucking advertising. What do you say? Father's Day is coming up everybody. If it wasn't for your dad looking at your mom

wanting to get down, you wouldn't be here, right? This is the thing about Mother's Day. You go all out on Mother's Day. Everybody does, right? You just go all out. It's your mom. She's a saint. Right? You go all out. And what happens Father's Day? Your father is basically Walter Payton in Super Bowl 20. Remember they let the fridge, the fridge is your mom, right? The fucking popular one. Hand it off to her and sweetness doesn't get a touchdown. All right. Well, I think it's high time you let your dad fucking run one in. All right. And you can do it with the man great. What is the man great? You ask. Well, when you go out and you look at your father's grill, he's going to have one of those grills where they have those little skinny little

grills. You know what I mean? That you couldn't even put like a cheese it on without it falling through. You know, this is what the man great is. Basically, it's a grill enhancement system, which means you don't have to go buy a new grill. This is going to enhance it. You ever go into those awesome steak houses and you look at this psycho mesquite grill that they have and those really thick grates that they have and the little moat thing to catch the grease so there's no grease fires that basically they finally made one. I don't know why it took so long for someone to do this, but they finally made one for your grill at home, which basically now you're going to get the, the, the, the look and the flavor of a real steak house. All right. And this is the

best part. 100% made in America cast iron grilling grates. What do we make in America? Huh? Weed and this. I think that's all we have left. All right. This is actually legal in all 50 states. All right. 100% made in America cast iron grilling grates. They're heavy-duty grilling grates deliver exactly what you need to achieve that steak house flavor that you've been looking for. Man greats got the patent and design is great for chicken, steak, veggies. All that stuff is never going to taste so good. You don't have any more flip flare-ups or dry meat guaranteed. Take advantage of the $20 Monday morning podcast special today by clicking on man on the man great banner at billbird.com. Just go on the podcast page.

As a bonus, every billbird.com order comes with a heavy-duty man great grilling brush. Come on, man. That's what you buy your dad right there. Okay. That's one buying your dad a man great for father's day is one rung below just buying them like an old pistol. That's just a manly thing to get him. 100% made in America, 100% cast iron, steak house quality, $20 off, and you get your little wire brush there. Huh? Who's hooking you up? Who's hooking you up? Well, how could you do better? How could you do better? You know, get him a hookah. Oh, dad, you've been faithful all these years. Oh, here's an email from somebody talking about

NBA refs because I was not convinced that the NBA is fixed or at the very least manipulated. You know, oh my God, the lottery. Are you serious? The lottery, the Knicks win the first one ever because you want Patrick Ewan to go to New York City course. Absolutely. The foul away from the ball. I don't know what he was looking at there. NBA refs, Bill saw your tweet about NBA refs and how they are in it for the money. Well, it's the truth. This guy's claiming that this is the truth. This is all alleged before I get sued by a conglomerate of those footlocker jackasses. I'm friends with the daughter of one of one of the top paid refs in the league. I just went to a wedding on Friday night and there were

two tables of NBA refs there. No lie. I can provide picks for verification. I don't want any pictures. Don't send me any pictures. I don't want to rat anybody out here. I just think it's hilarious. Anyways, anyway, I know that referees get paid 10 grand per game for the NBA finals. So if the series gets swept, it's 40 grand. But if it goes to seven games, that's a difference of 30 grand. I work in finance and that's a lot of coin for next to three days of work. Plus the network gets more money from advertisers, etc. Although a sport, although a sport, it's a major business. I don't know what that sentence means. Former ref Tim Donahue got busted for gambling on games a while back and wrote a book about it. This is my favorite thing. They say that that guy has no

credibility. You know, that's what they said about Jose Consenco when he first came out and, you know, was ratting everybody out like, Oh, he's old. He's bitter. He's turned his back on baseball. Wait a minute. He's right. Oh, sorry about that. You know, plus if you say he has no credibility, then you have to like let 80% of people out of prison because that's how they ended up in prison. The person they did the crime with was negotiating their their fucking sentence down and they ratted him out. Right? I don't know. I think the NBA is filthy. You know, Pete Rose bets on baseball. He's banned from baseball for life. Jordan bets on it. He gets to go play baseball. Allegedly, allegedly. Former ref Tim Donahue got busted for gambling on games

a while back and wrote a book about it. The guy is from the same neighborhood as I am and we know some of the same people. The guy who does my homeowner's insurance was named as a gambling partner in the first chapter. It's eyeopening of how shady the business is and how refs can cheat so easily to fix the outcome of a game. According to Tim Donahue, this is all alleged people, all alleged Philadelphia is a hotbed for NBA refs. And I actually went to high school with an active NBA ref who was also at the above mentioned wedding. Love the podcast, but just started listening a few months ago. How could I download the podcast? But dude, you didn't really say anything. You just said you went to a wedding with some NBA refs. You know how much they make a

game. But you didn't really provide any that's all circumstantial. I don't know. It just seems so filthy. Like they call like the when they call those tiki tack files, I'm telling you, they're thinking ahead in the game. As how I look at it, like, I get Paul Pierce files out, but like those bullshit tiki tack files that you call on them in the beginning of the game is how he ends up filing out in the end when he actually files somebody. So I don't, I don't know. I don't get it. I'm sitting there watching us. We got a 15 point lead. And then all of a sudden, within a minute, Paul Pierce and Rondo both pick up their fourth files, have to sit down. And next thing you know, it's a game again.

You know, so I don't know that they necessarily, this is the feeling that I have when I watch the NBA, I feel like somewhere around 14, 15 point lead in the playoffs playoffs. That's when all of a sudden, you know, calls start going the other way because they don't want people to turn the channels at the end of the fucking day. It's a business. They keep it close. Just keep it close. That's what they're doing. I don't know. I'm an asshole. Don't listen to me. But I 100%. It just wouldn't surprise me if somebody came out and they actually found out that like 18%, that's a little high. I'd say 11% of NBA games are strongly manipulated. I would be surprised that it, that it wasn't more like 18% because when I just watch them, it's just like,

how many times can they just be like, there's like no file and that that shit. I know I talked about it last week, but Kobe hacks a guy across both fucking arms. They call him for his third file in the second quarter. You know, he's going to sit down. That's going to affect the casual fan watching. They have a 90 second meeting and then they give the file to somebody else. And that's a business move right fucking there. And then the announcers, I don't know what they're looking at there. Right. Right. Kobe bringing it up the court. It's fucking nuts. Shoot in the front end of a one and one. There's a file away from the ball. Jesus. What was he looking at? I don't know. Must have been something before the video. There was a day acts like perplexed.

All right. Here's a sexuality situation. Everybody. Hey, Bill, I need your advice on something. This is a not, this is not about a breakup dating or gold diggers, but I think your advice could help me, could help me out on an extremely awkward position. I'm 19 and I'm home from college for this summer. I've been home for about a month and I live in North Carolina, but go to college in Arizona. Dude, good move. Arizona with all those fucking whores out there coming to class and like bikini tops. And you're out there with your cuter than cute Southern draw. How much ass are you getting? Well, let's find out. Shall we? Okay. While I was away at college, I have opened up to new ideas such as politics, politics, religion, and about my sexuality and my bias. And I am bisexual.

At the beginning of summer, I started hanging out with my old friends from high school, one of which was gay. We had messed around in high school, but nothing serious. What does that mean? You flicked his balls a little bit. Sorry. The fucking joke is there. I'm going to do it. All right. Come on. Take it like a man like everybody else. Okay. Everybody gets trashed on this. Here we go. So this summer, he and I were hanging out at my house and nobody was home. We started, we started to drinking. Oh, geez. He's playing some music. YMCA. And he started to smoke some weed, man. Then after about two hours, we decided to do the dirty Jesus Christ. Okay. Here we go. Slugging away through here halfway

through us getting it on. My mom walks into the room and catches us in the act. Wow. Now talk about the needle going off the fucking record. She started yelling at me, swatting me with the mail she had just gotten. I'm surprised she didn't turn the hose on you. Kick my friend out of the house, then banned him from ever coming over again and started screaming about the Bible and a bunch of religious shit. By the way, this all happened when I was in a panic trying to get some clothes. Oh my God, dude. What a way to come out. Only thing was missing was a giant neon I'm gay sign hanging over you. Wow. That's a fucking situation there, huh? Ever since then, my mom and dad have been forcing me to go to

a few religious nut jobs that are supposed to convert me from bisexual to heterosexual. That's hilarious. You know, like you're going to convert a truck from two wheel drive to four wheel drive like it's that fucking easy. This is a huge pain in the ass because one, there are churches on every corner in North Carolina and two, I don't want to change. So you shouldn't. Dude, you can't. You are who you fucking are and they're going to have to accept it. Also, my parents have been treating me differently now and it's really weird and awkward every time we talk. So I guess my question is how do I deal with this? Dude, this might be outside the mother realm of my lack of expertise here. Do I tell them that I don't want to go to some religious

fat fuck who is a Jesus freak and whose stomach is as long as his vowels? Always got that southern draw. You can't be sucking dead. Or should I just pretend to be straight until the end of summer then go back to living the life I want to live at college? Also, how do I keep saying with people telling me that I am living my life wrong and that God is judging me? I hope that wasn't too sad. Dude, it's a fucking epic story. Thank you for sharing it here. All right, this is a deal, dude. You need new friends. You need to keep the friends that accept you for who you are and the ones who aren't, you just got to phase them out. Your parents, your parents will come around. You know, they got to come around because you're their son. All right, stereotypically probably

your mom before your dad or whatever. But I don't know. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. But what the fuck are you going to do? You know, you are who you are. You got to go be who you're going to be. And as far as do you tough it out for the summer, that's up to you. That's up to you if you're going to keep going back. I mean, if I was going to keep going back to some shit that I didn't want to go to, I would just... I would have fun with it. I would just act like a fucking moron. And I would keep acting like I was almost cured. And then at the last second be like, but don't you think John Travolta is cute? Oh, no, no, sorry, sorry. And just fuck with the guy and just have a good time. If you can't get

out of it, if you don't want to, you know, fight, you know, if you don't want to be like Hitler and try and fight on three fronts and end up in a fucking bunker, maybe just start with to get some new fucking friends. That's it, dude. That's brutal, man. That's brutal. But you'll get through it. You'll get through it. You'll find some fucking people, you know? I don't know. It's weird. In a weird way, everybody does that beyond that shit. You know, as a comedian, I never fit in anywhere. Everywhere I went, like when I fucking had jobs, and they would be sitting there and I had my little Michael J. Fox fucking suit and tie on, like thinking that this is what I was going to do. And everybody was going in for some fucking meeting. I'd never gave a fuck. And I never,

I just felt always felt like an outsider until the day I walked in a comedy club. And I basically found people who were the same kind of weird that I was. So they didn't seem weird to me. But admittedly, comedians were all out of our fucking minds. So that's what you have to do in a gay way. You just got to go find some heterosexuals who are accepting of you and go get some gay friends. And, you know, you're going to have a great life and you're going to have abs until you're 60, evidently, because that's how it works with gay people. Fuck them. Be who you are. And that's it. All right, there you go. All right, dealing with girlfriend's mom, girlfriend's mother, dear billion. I'm 24 years old. You know, it's funny, I always do this

boss and accent. I think that it fucks with my language for the rest of the week. My language, no, my accent for the rest of the week. I'm 24 years old and recently started, let's see if I can pronounce my Rs through all of this. I'm 24 years old and recently started dating a new gal. She's a complete sweetheart. Sorry. Also 24 years old, but her mom already hates me. What do you got a mullet? You got an earring? You got a loud car? Do you got that look? I'm going to fuck your daughter. What's going on with you? He says, I'm a pretty successful guy from my age. College graduate. I have a house, legit office job, etc. How the fuck you got a house at 24?

Do you come from money? Are you dealing? Dude, if you're a college graduate and you legitimately found a job and were able to buy a house, you're probably one of five people from your generation that's able to do that with this fucking economy. So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Congratulations. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you don't have a meth lab in your bathroom. Anyways, the girl lives at home and before me, she was dating a guy in medical school. Her mom crept through my Facebook profile and decided based on the suburb I'm from, the school I went to and the fact I'm not a doctor, I'm not good enough for her daughter,

which means she probably pressured her daughter to go date a fucking doctor. Or, you know, she dated a doctor trying to make her mom happy. That's what I'm guessing, with my lack of a psychology degree. But my cynical, everybody's a cunt way of looking at stuff. Well, after three months of dating and accepting I might be around for a while, they finally agreed to meet me. Her dad seems like a nice guy. It's just the mom I have to air quote and press. So here's the issue. I can't play the redneck stereotype too hard by wearing acid wash jeans and a deaf leopard t-shirt because my girl will get pissed off. But to my advantage, I own two cars, both of which will annoy her and deem me a fucking hick. Which option in your

opinion would be funnier parked in the wraparound driveway of their million dollar house? And now he sent me pictures of his two fucking sweet rides. He's got a 2006 Ford Mustang GT. This is my daily driver. It's blue with silver racing stripes and lowered two inches. I have the cats removed and full exhaust. I don't know what that means what catalytic converters. I have no idea what that even means. I just love that you assume that I knew. So it's loud as shit. And it's a five speed. So I can play like I sucked at driving a stick and do the rev and release clutch move that all 16 year olds do. That should rattle their stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. Number two I got a 1991 Ford F 154 by four my bad weather slash housework.

I think you're a beater wrote better 351 Windsor motherfucker two tone red and white single cab red bench seat. It has plenty of NRA stickers on the back from the previous owner. My favorite being fight crime shootback. Oh dude, that's a wrap. That's a wrap. You got to I think you got to go with the truck. Fender wells are rusty. Rusting out and there's several rust holes in the bed. It also leaks coolant and oil and would leave a nice stain in the driveway. I don't plan on being a dick or anything when I meet them. But she's going to judge me without even knowing me. I'd hate to let her down and close the pictures of both cars and the bumper sticker on the truck. Please advise. That's what we say at the end of emails in bullshit corporate America. Oh please

advise. Those are beautiful cars man. I love two tone pickup trucks too by the way. This is what I yeah pull up. Pull up in your pickup and then the next time you come over you come over in the car and that'll do the other stereotype that people who don't come from money always you know by depreciating assets. I don't do it all depends on what you care about this girl because your whole attitude is perfect. You shouldn't give a fuck whether she likes you or not. You really shouldn't. There's nothing you can do about it. Just you know romance her daughter if you love her. If you don't get rid of her don't stick around just out of spite. But I would definitely go with the pickup truck man. The pickup truck is fucking hilarious. But you know something

the Mustang's cool too. That Mustang says I you know I'm going to bang your daughter up before we even get to the restaurant. And it's loud. Maybe the Mustang. Do you got a mullet. How about a clip on earring. I don't know. Anyways. Anyways what the fuck else happened to me here. I got to click back to my notes here. There's a couple of stories I want to tell you. I told the motorcycle one right then I fucking nine hours. Shit where the fuck is there we go. What the hell is it. You know what this fucking computer man. How sick you guys listening to me bitch about my computer. Let me just get rid of this. Oh shit. You know what I went to on. Was it Wednesday or last week Thursday or last week I went down to the House of Blues.

They had the John Bonham birthday bash. It's become this yearly thing with this cover band basically not cover band. It's like these insane fucking musicians. I guess they're all playing Led Zeppelin. They come out and then all these drummers sit in and they play all these Zeppelin tunes and it's the fucking shit man. And there was some guys out there who really really impressed me. Simon. It was it was crazy. Freddie cupcake Curry the nicest guy in rock and roll. Now if you remember that from MTV headbangers ball you're showing your age. He played custard pie and Simon Wright the drummer for AC DC from 83 to 90. He took over when Phil Rudd got kicked out and right before they did

Razor's Edge 1990 he left to go play with Dio and all I I never really listened to Dio at least that part of his career. And all I heard was him just playing the AC DC stuff which was total two four two four stuff and he came out and played the ocean and he fucking crushed it. Phenomenal drummer but more importantly the last time I saw both those guys on the same night I saw them play the old Boston Garden Cinderella was opening up for AC DC on the Heat Seeker tour. You're jealous. Isn't it isn't it amazing that it took me 43 years to find dirt bikes when you hear that story. But Freddie Curry played custard pie and I felt there was two different there all the drummers there were great but I felt there was two kinds of drummers that night. There was the

drummer that was going up there that loved John Bonham and was paying tribute to him and and understood what it was that John Bonham did and then there was the other guy so this was a small portion went up there and it was just a jerk off festival that they were going to go up there and show that they could play all the fucking licks and they were playing all over the kit throughout the song and it just I don't know. One guy I saw put the drumstick in his between his teeth as he was just playing with his right hand and I was just thinking you know Bonham would have smashed his snare drum over your fucking head. What are you doing? What are you doing? I mean was he biting on it because he felt he fucked up a lick. I have no idea but it was annoying. You fucking annoyed me.

Oh it started off great. The guy who organizes it Brian Tissier. I think he organized it. He played in the evening man. He just fucking crushed it and I was in my John Bonham glory and and then Sebastian Bach came out and saying whole lot of love. It was it was just the shit and the last time I saw Sebastian Bach live was December 31st 1989. I had just lost my license for drinking and driving and I saw Aerosmith at the Boston Garden to bring in the decade of the 1990s. That's how I went out of the 80s. It was on the done not done I always say done with mirrors. It was the pump tour and Aerosmith was sober by then so they sounded fucking incredible and that was that classic story I told you where when that concert was

going on was right around the time when another bad egg that the United States had invested in Manuel Noriega down in Panama all of a sudden wasn't doing what the fuck we wanted to do. You know the deal all these dirtbags they're all doing shit that we don't want them to do but they're doing what we need them to do so it's okay and then the second they stop doing what we need them to do all of a sudden we're outraged that they gasped their own people fucking 12 years earlier. How could he have done that in 1973. We got to go in and get this guy right. It's like the fucking Kobe Bryant foul 90 seconds later they give it to somebody else is like what the fucking you've been talking about. So anyways so you know they're pumping us with all the

information about Manuel Noriega and none of it is good so you know so he goes up there in the middle of this fucking metal show he decides I know I told this story before but I love this story he decided out of the fucking blue to go political. I remember he was standing on stage now he might have been drunk just just you know for him to save face but he was wearing these leather pants and I just stand there he goes what's up with this Manuel and he grabbed his dick and he goes suck my fucking burrito man. It's fucking horrific and it was this awkward pause and everything just went everybody starts cheering he goes I'd see he said something about going down there and fucking nuking him it was the classic and for all you cunts over in England the guys from Canada

so go fuck yourselves all right you think another typical stupid guy from the States all right and he might have been pandering but I gotta tell you we all cheered that's right Sebastian you figure out Central America and then play slave to the grind oh no no that was their first tour that's new singing 18 in life you got it 18 in life you know right and all the chicks are like oh my god look at me when I take my tits out not at her all those were the days all those fucking fishnetted whores it was fun it was the greatest fucking thing ever I'm really so happy that I grew up during that time rather than the grunge period when all those hairy chicks were just fucking walking around with their sash watch muffs you know high and tight 80s baby it was right before the really

bad news two things that were really bad in the 90s like you know that grunge music you know the top tier I like all right but there was a lot of moping around just because moping around was selling albums the same way with hair metal there was a lot of shit about the devil and you know they weren't really sacrificing anybody right it was only the top shelf that were but anyways the the the moping music of the 90s and then the fucking the just absolutely perfect circle horrific grapefruit fake tits where you had like a varicose vein on the side of your titty like those two of the worst things from the 90s I would say you know one of the best things from the 90s I would say would be Soundgarden I'd go with them I'm I'm sure I could play a fucking email

they fucking suck yeah actually ripped off I don't give a shit you guys like me anytime your computer comes up and says hey there's new software available yeah would you like to download it and you got that option not now you know like hitting the snooze alarm on your fucking computer and then one day you go to your iTunes doesn't work none of the video works and then you yell at your computer like it's the it's the problem that's what I like to do hey everybody have you been to the post office lately yeah how did that work out wouldn't it be wonderful if somehow you could take the enormity of the the postal industry and just stick it inside of your of your apartment put it right in your little sleeping bag wouldn't that be great well I'm here to tell you that that's a possibility

if you go to stamps.com everybody you can stop one of the biggest waste of times in your life right now which is going to the post office especially when you got a business to run or maybe you just want to sit down and eat a sandwich right that's why you need stamps.com it's not only going to save you time you can buy and print official us postage using your own computer or a friend's and a printer print exact postage for any letter right from your desk using the free digital scale the exact posters for a letter or package sorry I read that wrong basically anything you want to ship you can stick that baby in a box and put it on a scale you know maybe you need some help now you got a friend right you haven't picked it up you put it on the damn scale you weigh

it you put the postage right on you walk out you put it in your post office box whatever your mail box and then you go right back to Washington. Bill we know we know what we would do if we had the post office in our own apartments or houses or outhouses or tents do you live in a tent city do you have an outlet buy stamps.com but stamps.com will also give you money it's a fraction of the cost of a postage meter plus you get discounts you can't even get at the post office that's a great thing if you get in early with stamps.com because once it blows up you know that they're not going to have any of these discounts so you get in early all right I'm sure I'm going to get a note on that actually we plan on having discounts forever right now if you use my last name Burr

B-U-R-R for this special offer you get a no risk trial plus a hundred and ten dollar bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to fifty five dollars in free postage don't wait this is the call to action everybody go to stamps.com right now before you do anything else click on the radio microphone at the top of the home page and type in Burr B-U-R-R that's stamps.com enter Burr and you will be in the wonderful world of not having to go to the post office anymore you know that'd be great what if you had the grocery store in your own apartment that's probably next go to grocerystore.com want to be great if lemons fell out of your ceiling do you know the wonderful the beautiful the lovely Nia has been uh she's been on a tear lately

you know planting all this shit out in the yard and uh none of it's edible so we're having this big fight like she likes pretty smells smells good i like it it's lilac it's like you can't fucking eat that shit you know why don't we get a uh you know like a watermelon tree or something right watermelons don't go fuck yourself i know they don't grow on trees you know what i mean let's get something edible out here let's grow some goddamn potatoes you know let's go grow some fucking food that's what i want to do they got those little dwarf trees like a midget uh grapefruit tree they got a midget avocado tree and they just you just stick them in a barrel and there you go apocalypse comes here comes jesus throwing all the sinners down into hell and you're just sitting

there eating avocados like go fuck yourself you hippy i got a food supply what are you gonna do to me huh the end of the day i know you're a pacifist i know you don't got it in you you don't have that rage like your dad does talent skips a generation all right why don't you go play the fucking maracas and get out of my face i know that's not your three-headed dog that's your dad's yeah go full look i respect your dad i'm not disrespecting him i'm disrespecting you yeah i'm sure that's how you're gonna tell the story you fucking pussy right all while you're eating an avocado or grapefruit or some shit like that you know recently i worked with somebody and they said something about uh um they said something about the uh microwave i don't think i can

ever use one again he said they microwaved water to the boiling point and let it cool down and then they boiled some water on the stove and they watered two rows of flowers and uh the water with the microwave water they all died so i'm all set on the microwave that's all it takes if it kills a plant what's it doing to me i don't know i'm easily scared everybody and i'm very i'm not i'm trusting so if you have any remote like theory on anything like you know i would literally phase out uh living in a house if you if you had a good enough lie as to why it was slowly killing me um anyways what else do we got here what what do they have i promised i would resend this to you run this whenever you would like all right this is spotify.com all right this is one of these places

that you uh oh for Christ's sake what is this this is the graphic image why don't i have this stuff ready ah the worst you know this is why i'm a comedian because i swear to god if i was in the real world and i had some sort of presentation i would be the guy showing up with like the papers falling out of my briefcase what what i meant to say i would be like the nutty professor but i would never turn into the cool guy jerry louises by the way um what is spotify it's a new way to listen listen to free to listen to music for free millions of tracks artists and even comedic content is on there for you to access whenever you want i know a lot of you guys think it bill why are you hyping this stuff when you had a problem with that other site because

this site actually is going to pay me for my material so i don't have a problem with them so go down to spotify everybody um this is what the way i i think about spotify is itunes but with the entire world's library oh is this what i'm supposed to say this is what i think you guys are speaking for me evidently spotify is like itunes but with the entire world's library at your fingertips well right there that's better than itunes how many times you go on itunes you go to look up a band and they don't have it unless it's like the biggest thing ever you know like your guilty pleasures oops i did it again they'll actually have the b tracks of britney spears on spotify it works on a pc it works on a mac home audio system

and mobile phones tracks play live there's no need to wait for downloads and no big dense in your hard drive spotify connects seamlessly with your facebook account and allows to easily discover new music and share them with friends super easy to use and is what you do you go to the spotify link on the website click register from your facebook account download spotify to your windows or mac computer search and play the millions of songs that are now yours doing it this way we'll give you free access access to spotify and it's really just that simple um bill do you have a deal for us yes i do for every one of my listeners that i drive to uh those is the actual deal that i get every one i drive there i get a free quarter of a grilled cheese sandwich oh four listeners

that's uh it's a whole sandwich um banner ad is attached to the email we don't even have this up yet i'm gonna have to hit god jesus christ why did i do that you know what you did that's like you just got somebody's leaked copy the tracks of their new album we're gonna have that up for next week everybody old spotify dot com boy oh boy this is the greatest thing ever says bill i like when this copy like that i don't even have to think um anyways let's get back to the podcast here what do we got here we got some overrated underators we got to wind this down here right what do we have to an hour or two minutes bill you ever hear a leave it i'm wanting more all right we gone through the advice dealing with girlfriend's mom or his last one it's entitled virgin like a

virgin hey who here wouldn't still bang madonna uh i just oh she'd be so fucking annoying though just shut up you're from detroit you're not fooling me with your dumb accent i'm 21 years old dude just graduate to bobby kelly right this i'm 21 years old kid do you guys listen to the what the fuck podcast uh or christopher titus's podcast and i'm gonna be on that i don't even know the name of i actually just went and did his podcast i didn't even learn the goddamn name of it because i'm so wrapped up in my own thing you know what's funny is i went to the search thing and i actually searched cricket is gay because i wanted to see what jason alexander said uh all right chris titus podcast you know what's great about us doing the podcast if there's any video of it you guys can

actually see that we are two different people titus podcast.com there we go this is what you do you go to tituspodcast.com and there's all kinds of music uh all right it's just called the titus podcast it's got a cool logo the son of a bitch anyways i did one of his and i actually just tweeted it this this week so there you go there's your homework this week listen to the what the dude no no what the fuck oh you know what dude what the fuck is marins you know what dude is bobby kelly's and the christopher titus podcast go to tituspodcast.com all right if you like this podcast hell you might even like those all right virgin i'm a 21 year old uh virgin dude just graduated from college in la is that louisiana or los angeles and one of my bigger issues

that was a great dentist middle of a joke a long time ago just got back from la i love louisiana uh yeah and one of my bigger issues in my life right now is that i'm still a virgin dude 21 that's not bad uh i'm not attractive i'm not attractive or anything i work out have a bit of an issue with acne but it's nothing like having a gigantic pussball in my face i was in a relationship with a girl since i was 14 and we ended it when i was 20 because we just couldn't deal with the long distance anymore and she was really conservative christian and i guess i was naive and stupid enough to tell her that i would wait that's all right you're a good guy therefore the more we went the most we went oh the most we went to was just oral sex all right

dude well you're not like a terminal virgin you're actually do you live in the life you get you having sex like you have it like a one of those massage parlors uh we came close a couple of times but i i would always back out because i'd feel bad that i would be running off with the virginity because at the back of my mind i kind of knew this relationship was never going to work out jesus christ dude you're a saint it doesn't help that she and i have had the same group of friends so if word got out what i did uh that would have been seen as a dick move now that i'm actually single and looking for chicks and on occasion i've actually managed to convince a few to come home with me all right you're in the game i feel this an eighth sense of pressure that i wouldn't be able

to perform well and would end up embarrassing myself due to lack of experience dude you're gonna be fine these nightly escapades would therefore only tend to end up with make out sessions or the occasional finger bang blowjob before i pussy out what do you think i should do should actually do in a situation like these when i'm taking a chick home who probably has way more experience than i do and i should just should i just take a heavy dose of man the fuck up and wing it in the future uh i wouldn't think of telling a girl that i'm a virgin before fucking her would sound remotely attractive to her in any circumstance what are your thoughts on this yeah dude you know what you gotta do just like look you know i got good at playing hockey or

halfway decent upper level of sucking you know like i gradually got to the truth on that i am at the upper upper sucking not quite lower mediocre how i got there was i played with people who had more experience than me all right so just slide that over to banging these girls all right and i don't think that they like girls not like that they're not gonna what is she gonna do oh my god you never fucked anyone before jesus i fuck like 900 guys then i gotta say that they're gonna be like oh and next thing you know you can be banging the fucking doggy stuff it'll be a thrill for them you know you put on the the the fucking soundtrack to the graduate you know you have a good time yeah dude just just look you know what the thing about this

is is the more you wait the bigger of a fucking deal it's gonna be you know what i mean it's like you're icing the kicker and the kicker is your dick all right for god's sake get out there and fucking blast it through the uprights that's what you need to do all right and you sound like you're doing great man you you're a good guy dude do you realize the fucking the the the i don't know what it is i don't even know what the word is because none of my friends have this this character trait i'm sure women know what it is and they probably look for it in a guy a gentleman jesus i had to search for what uh what uh just you're a human being dude you're an honest guy you could have banged this girl and you're like i can't do it because i'm the back of my head you're actually

you know you know you know it's funny you'll probably bang a couple girls and you become a piece of shit like me but right now dude you're in the zone mother chorisa couldn't fuck with you you know jesus comes back tomorrow dude he's fucking you're right up on that horse smelling of patchouli when you're fucking grab around his waist and ride into heaven oh god what a disgusting image anyways yeah dude just just man the fuck up wing in the future and uh you know what you know what i think we get rid of a lot of the pressure why don't you just tell him you know i don't know if you feel like the moment's there just tell him if you just feel like the moment's there you don't have to get him the whole fucking story just in the middle of it

just tell him yeah i never never did this before oh my god that's okay you know next thing you got their feet in the air i'm telling you you're gonna be fine all right and you're a good person and uh then this is the deal dude you're a fucking virgin all right so you're like uh you still got that new car smell all right so whatever you do all right condoms from here on out condoms from here on out no fucking skanks all right because evidently even if you wear a condom you can still get fucking you know things i'm not going to do this so now you get even more in your head right now what i just did is now you finally lined up the ticket to kick the field goal and i'm sitting there waving my arms with the fucking air horn in the background you know

fucking around it's like boxing protect yourself at all times all right that's all i'm gonna say okay all right good luck to you that's the podcast for this week apologize for being late i hope my story about riding a motorcycle what the fuck happened to my taint Jesus Christ i just sat in this chair the wrong way my fucking my fucking taint hurts you know what it was was i went over a couple of fucking jumps and i got a little bit of air i didn't know enough to stand up so i kind of came off the seat and then landed and fucking slammed my taint you like that people i jacked my thumb up my shoulder's talking to me and uh i took a nice fucking slam a couple of slams to the taint i'm going to call the comedy store telling me i can't perform this week because of a bruised

taint um are you fucking with us i'm dead serious hang on a second you got the iphone i'll take a video that's disgusting well it's your fault for hanging out for the whole podcast all right go fuck yourselves that's the podcast for this week i'll talk to you next week don't take any shit and uh god bless everyone today where's the man i know it's real wind no oh get sick get well hanging around the ink well i can't bear heart telling me everything is on itself my heart can't box get back right prayer can jail jump bail join the army if you care look out the kid you're gonna get hit by losers cheaters six-time users hanging around the meters

girl by the world who's looking for new food don't follow leaders or watch a parking meter oh get born keep on short pants romance learn to dance get dressed get left probably success please help please help buy gifts don't steal don't miss 20 years of schooling and they put you on the dish here look out here they keep it all hit then it jumps down a man hole like yourself a panda don't wear sandals and try to fold your skander don't want to be a fong you better chew gum the pump don't work cuz the vandal's took the handle you COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same many of us have had COVID and no people who have

gone to the hospital some never came back truth is our community deserves better better resources we can trust to protect ourselves a good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted find out more we can do at COVID-resources.org or call 877-904-5097