Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-6-19

Episode Date: June 7, 2019

Bill rambles about the NHL, Staten Island, and the lovely Nia.

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I'm just checking in to see how your week's going, how the fuck you're doing and everything and your fucking laugh. All right, let's get into it. I already recorded this podcast. I recorded it from my movie trailer yesterday, but for some reason the file corrupted. So now I have to do it again. Which is all right because I would have made a fool of myself because I thought last night was Game 3 of the NBA Finals and Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Final. I'm like, why can't those two leagues get on the same fucking page and kind of, you know, just pick different nights? Evidently that's already happened. So I apologize to the NBA and the NHL for the podcasts that they never heard. I actually watched Game fucking 3 last night of Toronto vs. Golden State Warriors.

And yeah, it was a great game. It was just, you know, just watching Toronto. No matter how much Golden State kept coming back, they just kept, they couldn't cut it less than fucking 10 or 9. They stayed out in front of them. They hit some big shots. They blocked a bunch of shots and all of that shit. You know, this is, and it was very easy to root for Toronto. You know, it was very easy to root for because they weren't cutting to Drake every five fucking seconds, whatever the hell they're doing. Like I tune, I'm tuning in to watch the Raptors vs. the Warriors. I'm not tuning in to watch Drake watch the Raptors and the Warriors. I don't understand it. All right, but I've already covered that. So anyway, congratulations to them.

I didn't see Clay play. I don't know. I don't know shit about basketball, but it seemed like he wasn't playing that much either. But we'll see. We will see what happens. You know what is fucking, you know what's getting like fucking becoming a trope though is them cutting to Toronto sports fans standing outside their fucking arena. And you know, every time I see that, I'm just like, I don't want to watch these people fucking hang their heads in misery of another goddamn loss. It would be, I'm still rooting for Toronto, despite all that other BS that's going on out there. So congratulations to them. You're two victories away from your first fucking championship, at least in basketball and hockey since I've been alive. I don't know what's been going on with your where you got the Toronto was it the Argonauts, the Rough Riders, the Stampede, the Eagles, the Marauds. I don't know. I don't know anything about the CFL, the Eskimos.

All right, let's let's talk about what I really want to talk about. Let's talk about the St. Louis Blues coming back in game four and quite frankly, getting the shit out of my Boston Bruins. I've never seen a Bruins team get manhandled like this in my 40 years of watching them. And we are simply not built for the kind of hockey that St. Louis is playing and neither was St. Louis. I mean, sorry, neither was San Jose. And the result of that was their top three players were unable to finish the series. And I don't know, this is going to be where I this is this is what I believe. Okay, this is somebody who never got beyond fucking pond hockey, you know, in that sport, even then I wasn't even good on the pond. Cross over one side couldn't could stop on one side couldn't skate backwards. The way St. Louis is playing the Bruins named to wrap it up by game six or I don't see us winning it because I don't think we're going to have enough good players left.

Because they're just taking runs at everybody and they're running our goalie and they're playing a trap defense. So the way to beat those guys is you have to get up, you got to score first, which will hopefully make them take more chances. So they're not just going to play that fucking stupid trap defense, we got to dump and chase, you know, so they can protect their fucking astoundingly mediocre goal tender. But I will say this, I've been a fan of not only sports, but sports history. And this is my prediction, if St. Louis wins the cup, which they could very well do, which I felt from the beginning, which is why I never understood people going, dude, we're going to fucking sweep these guys. It's like they are big and they're fast. I didn't realize how filthy they were, though, which is fine, though, because it's fucking playoff hockey. And this has always happened.

But the problem is, is that because of all the whiny snowflake cunts out there who kept pressuring them to get fighting out of the game. What I'm actually watching is a different kind of goonery. It's funny that the goons used to fucking police. I don't know. And I just think the direction that this game went, we got rid of too many Sean Thornton's and too many fucking Adam McQuades. Because those are the guys that we're missing right now when we would easily, easily be able to handle St. Louis and we would easily beat them. But considering we're just sort of a speed finesse team, and the way the officials, I guess, because it's the playoffs, are calling it. Which, once again, I don't really have a problem with it.

I have a problem with the fact that there's no fighting. We should have a guy go out there and go kick the fuck out of one of the blues so they calm the fuck down, and we just haven't. So why would they stop? It's been working for them. So this is what I think. If St. Louis wins this, then they're not reprimanded for the way that they're playing, then that just sends the message that this is the direction to go in. And what's going to be, I don't know, it's fucked, because the people that are going to suffer are not going to be the fucking dirtbags skating around with their fucking sticks up, cross-checking people in the fucking teeth.

The people who are going to suffer are the stars of the leagues, the Tarasencos, they're going to pay for it. And that goes all the way back to, I remember back in the day when the Tennessee Titans, when they were still the Houston Oilers, and they got Jerry Glamvill, you know, and Jerry's big thing is any football team that he coached, you know, he wanted to wear black. You know, like the Falcons were like, you know, they were like red with gray pants and white or whatever, and he came there and he changed to black jerseys, because he wanted to be tough or whatever, right? And then when he went to, you know, so he did that there, didn't win, and then he went to fucking Houston. And he's like, let's change this one to black. It's like, Jerry, you already stole the fucking Raiders colors kind of once.

We can't do it with two different franchises. So he went out and he got a black satin fucking Oilers jacket that he would wear with like the blue, red, and white logo. So anyway, his team took on his personality and they started calling the Astrodome the House of Pain, meaning you were going to go in there and obviously the defense was going to kick the shit out of you. And you were just going to have a painful fucking afternoon playing the Houston Oilers. And they did that for, I don't know, five, six, seven games before war and moon. CFL and NFL Hall of Famer had a meeting with the defense and said, listen, stop saying that shit. Stop calling this place the House of Pain because you know who has to answer to that?

Me. I do. I have the ball every offensive fucking play and I'm going to get my ass kicked for your shit talking. So shut the fuck up. If you want to inflict some playing, just fucking inflict playing, right? So anyway, getting back to what the St. Louis Blues are doing. I think that anybody watching this shit, if St. Louis wins this, it's going to change hockey. It's going to start going in this direction of like, oh, okay, this is what the fuck we need to do.

We need, you know, there's no more goons to really a police shit or not enough of them. So we'll just start taking runs at people. I don't know. It's a very, it's a fucking really bizarre series. I can't really get my head around it. It's like we absolutely dominated them in game one and they absolutely dominated us in game two. And then game three, as far as the score went, we absolutely dominated them, but we played 80% in our end. And then game four, like when I say they don't like physically dominated us.

Like I honestly thought that the way the fucking liberties that they were taking and the piece of shit way that they were playing that after they scored the empty net goal and there was no chance of us winning. I was literally like, well, that we should go out and just go cross check one of their players right in the fucking mouth, which is something that I never say. But I was so infuriated watching that happen to everybody on the Bruins. I don't know. It's weird. So this is what I think we need to win game five and game six. If it goes to game seven, I just, you know, I think we're going to be looking like San Jose where half our teams in a fucking mash unit. I hope I'm wrong.

You know, granted, like I said, I'm just, you know, I'm a stand up comedian who fucking skates at a public rink, you know, one way counterclockwise. You go the other way. All of a sudden I start having problems. So remember, I said that the St. Louis Blues win this thing. You're going to see their style of play is going to become the prototype. And the last time that I think we saw this was the Flyers when the Flyers were not the best team. And then they went out back when you could fight and they just dropped the gloves and just beat the shit out of people. And they started, they won back to back cups.

I mean, I don't know. You can't really compare anybody to the Flyers. I mean, they were just fucking animals. They weren't even playing hockey. But I don't hate those Flyer teams and I don't hate what they did because what they did, the golden age of their style of play was in the 80s. We had the perfect balance of just some of the greatest goal scorers of all time and some of the greatest fighters of all time. So I don't get mad at it. And also if the Flyers didn't do what they did in 74 and 75, Paul Newman, one of my favorite actors of all time, never signs on to make the movie slap shot.

So I don't have a problem with it. And I really don't have a problem with the St. Louis Blues. It's just a hard thing to watch as a Bruins fan to watch us get physically dominated and to try to continue to play a finesse game. I just, I don't know. I think I got to get used to that. But all of my die hard Bruins fans and back home are keep telling me like just, you know, this is like a boxing match. We're boxing. They're brawling.

Don't get drawn into it. And I'm like, okay, I don't like it. I don't like it. So we shall see. But unfortunately, I mean, I can't complain about working on a movie, but I'm working tonight. So I'm actually going to miss the game. So I'm going to have to watch some of the highlights. But oh boy, I don't know.

I don't know. This has been, this has been a fuck. There's no way there's no nobody who's watching this series can actually say who's going to win. It's so fucking crazy. So here we go. You know, what would be crazy is if St. Louis wins this and then Toronto wins in both of them. And I guess Toronto ends a championship drought while St. Louis ends a, you know, wins their first Stanley Cup. So either way, that'll be fun as far as sports histories go.

So I mean, the St. Louis blues one would suck because my team would lose. But you know, what are you going to do? Things happen. Okay. You win some, you lose some. But having said that, go Bruins. We just got to fucking win five and win six. That's it.

Before they take this sickles out in game seven, you know, and chop, literally chop a Bruins head off and get called for matching penalties. All right. Anyway, rumor has it I might be off tomorrow. And if that's true, I'm going to try to do some stand up this weekend here in New York City. So visit your local comedy club. Who knows? You might see old freckles fucking come around. You know, it is great though.

I told you when I go to the, when I go to these, whenever I do these acting gigs, how I get through it. The biz, the weirdness of it where like as a comedian, if somebody tells me to do 20 minutes, I do 20 minutes and it takes 20 minutes as an actor. If I'm in something that's going to be 20 minutes, it's going to take like a month, three weeks or whatever to shoot it. I just, when I go down, when I go on set, am I speaking? That's a, that's a good one. Right, Nia? On set. On set.

You want to jump on the podcast at all? I know you're busy. What I do is I just, I don't bring a watch. I don't bring a watch. I don't bring a, I don't bring a phone. I have no fucking idea like what time it is or anything and I'm able to just sort of fucking plow through it. But today, when I go down there, it's like the Bruins games on. So I don't know what I'm going to do.

You know, I'm still not going to bring one because I'm not going to see the fucking game anyways. Do I need to get all my texts, my Massachusetts friends? Oh, what the fuck? Yes. Here we go. Dude, that's bullshit. And then I don't even know what's going on. That's going to drive me up the fucking wall.

So, but what is cool about not bringing my phone is just not being on the phone. And yesterday, we had a long day. We had, we had a scene at a dinner table. And anytime you see a scene at a dinner table in a movie, I'm telling you, it takes all day because there's just so many angles they have to get and all that. So it took a long time to shoot. So in a good way, I wasn't on my phone at all for like the whole day. I'll tell you what's hilarious. If you don't text people, nobody really texts you.

And I came out and I had like, I think 10 text messages and I was able to handle all of them with either LOLs or write some business thing back in like fucking eight minutes. And I was done. So I kind of learned something that I'm not going to apply, but I would love to apply that in my everyday life. And speaking of my everyday life, here's my everyday lover. Making her triumphant return. Her triumphant return. Ever since you've been a mom, you know, we've just been, we've been two ships passing in the night. Yeah, exactly.

So how you been? What have you been up to? I've been good. It's Nia, right? I'm Bill, William. William. William, okay. William.

I've been great, William. No, you guys being here, I was making my or work out here. Nice and easy. You guys should do that all the time. Like if I get stand up gigs and like.. on the Quad Cities. Sure. You know, we've talked about this.

Yeah, I know. You support me in fun cities. Just out of curiosity, if this thing was two months in Jacksonville, Florida, would you be here? Jacksonville? Jacksonville. You know what? Maybe? Because I have a friend out there.

That's what I thought. Nothing about me. Why are you so mean? But I would definitely, we would definitely come out for like three weeks. Oh, alright. Hey, did you see in Boston they're going to have a straight pride march? Yes. I saw that.

So fucking ridiculous. Of course, Boston. Of course. Of fucking course. Like what is the point? What is the point of that? I don't know. This is my thing.

Are they trolling? Is it really serious? That's my thing. My thing is, is if they're doing it. Because it's all going to be like guys, right? It's all going to be like white guys out there being like, what about us? No, I think that they're also petitioning that the LGBTQXYZ, whatever the fuck it is, that they add an S to it.

For straight. No. That must be a joke. I'm waiting for them to be like, this is a social experiment to see how blah, blah, blah, which would be really fucking stupid. Because what do you need a social experiment in this to be? They're just doing it to be like, honestly, when stuff like this happens, you have to ignore it, but it's just impossible.

Media will always pick it up and they know that. But you've got to ignore that shit. It's like, it's nothing. It's not even worth getting upset over, although I understand why some people might get upset. You're getting a little heated. You're a little heated. Because it's so fucking stupid. Why don't you take your own advice?

It's just fucking stupid. Why don't you just take your own advice? I mean, I am, but I mean it. I had a buddy of mine text me today. So buddy of me texts me today. He goes, dude, it's just a real fucking thing. He texts me. Because if so, I'm going.

Yeah. And he texts me this fucking thing where it was some flag for people who are asexual or don't feel feelings about people, but sometimes do. And blah, blah, blah. And he's just sitting there. I was just, I was laughing because, you know, I've been on this movie thing, so I don't fucking look at my phone. It's what you get disconnected that quickly from everybody else. Yeah.

Like when you're in it and I'm looking at my phone, then I'm running around to acting like the sky is falling. But when you don't look at your phone, literally for fucking 12 hours, you're coming out like I'm on Staten Island. It's beautiful. Yeah. Perfect fucking weather. And that we were sitting on the stairs in between takes. And I was saying to one of the other actors, I go, this reminds me when I was a kid. And she was me like, yeah, I know, right?

You just come out here. You just sit down on a perfect summer day and people would come out. You talk and there'd be kids playing in the street and just hanging out. You didn't realize you had your whole life ahead of you. How awesome it was. And then the second I pick up my phone, it's just like, dude, have you seen this? What the fuck? It isn't their flag like black and white.

So it's that's that seems very sort of like symbolic with black and white. It's like straight or not. Whereas, you know, their flag, the LGBTQ is like the rainbow, all inclusive, like however you're feeling. Doesn't it? I thought that was more of a fashion thing. Like I'm going to need more colors than that, honey. No, I think it's symbolic of, you know what? And I don't even know.

So I might be talking out of my ass. But I just felt like I saw that black and white one and I was like, oh, I get it. It's very black and white over over here in Straitville. Yeah, come on. Here we go. Let's see here. Images. Heterosexual flags.

Oh, my first thing that comes up. Somebody said a thing. Oh, of course it's on some janky ass fucking website. That someone put together like five minutes ago. The black and white stripe flag. Oh, my God. I have seen it post flag for heterosexuals. I believe the design was six horizontal stripe northwest.

What? Obvious restaurants is to the rainbow flag essentially removed of its color. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Oh, wait. Somebody wrote that February 2001. Yeah, look at this fucking, you know, clip art fucking website that's going on here. No, that's just one of those ones.

What are they talking about? People just talking to each other. Oh, like a thread or something? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, well. US Strait Park plans march into controversy. Super happy fun America, which has applied to the city. Whatever.

I don't even, I'm going to take my own advice. I don't even want to give this any airtime. Boston planning a straight pride. Oh, Boston. But oh, wait, wait, wait. Okay. Read this headline. It's algae.

Wait, wait. Put the, it's LGBT pride month, but three guys in Boston want a permit for a straight pride parade. I know. It's not a parade. Okay. Three people is not a parade. So relax.

You can't even get that right. You dumb fuck's like, come on. So everybody just relax ridiculous. Nobody's showing up to that. Pride month kicks off in Boston on Tuesday with a lights event, a paint night, a preparation for a possible and preparation for possible straight pride parade this summer. Why can't I march down the street? Let me tell you, if your boyfriend or husband is participating in this March, like you really

need to reconsider your relationship. I'll just say what I love about you. Reconsidering. Is you're giving the perfect advice while taking the bait all at the same time. I know. You just said, they wrote me into it. There's only going to be three fucking people there. You're getting worked up over three people.

Yeah. You know what? I'm more worked up over the fact that this is like news. What's going to happen next, Nia? Are they going to cancel the reboot of Will and Grace? Three people are going to have a parade. I mean, why is everybody, the event to celebrate the heterosexuality in one of the nation's most gay friendly cities?

I didn't know that. Look at us. I mean, go Boston. Wait, wait. It's meant to poke fun at identity politics or the political left. Yeah. He's just making fun of them. He's also organized free speech, quote unquote, rallies in gun rights administration.

Oh, so this is a fucking white supremacist. I get it. Wait. What did you just do? What did you just do there? You don't know this guy. There's three straight guys. I guarantee you they're fucking white.

They're going to do a thing to poke fun at identity politics. And he wanted to be organized. You sound like a redneck right now. Free speech in a gun rights demonstration. You sound like a redneck right now. Put two and two together. Who the fuck is behind that? You sound like a redneck on his front porch.

No, I don't. I'm going to tell you something right now. If I was a redneck, I'd be like, you goddammit, wait, wait, wait, no. You're missing my point. Is you don't know this guy? No, I do. Based on what I'm seeing in this article. Okay.

Well, that was my point. Yes. This is what people do. Well, congratulations. Mr. Osa opened my mind and like, oh, I get it. Come on, man. Like this is what people do, man. On the right and the left, you're both like sitting here making assumptions.

Like, you know, that there's such, that's such bullshit. It isn't. There's right and there's wrong. And there are people who are on the wrong side of things. And there are people who are at least trying to be on the right side of things and making people feel comfortable and making people feel included. Like, what do you fucking care if gay people have like a parade? Why does that mean that you all, you now have to have a parade to like poke fun and identity

policy? Like, what the fuck does it even have to do with you? We'll be right back with Nia takes the bait after these messages. I don't care if it's considered taking the bait. I'm standing up for what's right. Like, who the fuck, like, why, why does it matter to you? You feel you're a warrior right now? People have a parade.

It has nothing to do with you. Leave it alone. You're just, you got, you just have to now have your own break. It's like, you're being an asshole. That's what it is. You're being an asshole. You're not standing up for anything. Yeah, but that's different.

You're not making a point. But that's different than hating people. No, it is. It's a very fine line. It's a very, but this dude is trying to, was trying to organize a free speech rally in a gun rights demonstration. First of all, does a free speech rally need to exist? You have free speech.

Yes. No, you don't. Yes, you do. No, you don't. You're not free of consequences from the things that you say. You don't say things you don't want to say. There it is. What?

There what is this? You can say whatever you want, but as you're ready to respond to it, which has now become not just responding to it, I'm going to destroy your ability to now make a fucking living. That is not tit for tat. That is not a debate. There is one. You can have a respectful debate where people feel differently about various things. You were allowed to protest where they tell you to protest now.

You have to get a permit. They make sure you're down the street and around the block and away from the cameras. Does a free speech rally, does that really make sense to you? Is that really something that like you need to have? We want free speech. You have it. You have free speech. You don't need to wrap.

No laws are going to be overturned by, you know, this is like not a fucking civil rights march. Comedians have gotten sued and lost in Canada. In Canada? Over jokes. Yeah. Like this is like people are in the middle. People in the middle of stand-up sets in America at colleges and they shut off the mic and take

the mic. They don't even understand the fucking joke. It's like people videotape comedians now and they try to get the, and all everybody's trying to do is get you in trouble. And what that does is it instills fear and makes people feel, oh, I don't want to say that. Oh, I shouldn't say that. Like this people literally looking at like fucking looking at the office, even the office,

that silly absurd show. That everybody loves. That everybody loved. And 10 years later people, oh, we could never, we could never get away with that. Dorky white people in the middle of fucking pencil. Like Michael Scott couldn't exist right now. Couldn't exist as absurd as that guy. I don't know if I believe that.

I mean, I kind of get his point, but like he's the whole, I don't know. The point of Michael Scott was that he was so. Don't you think he has credibility as the man who played that guy? Of course. But I also, but I also know as someone that's like my favorite show ever that the point of Michael Scott was that he was hilariously out of touch, but he had a huge heart and he loved everybody. But he always said the wrong thing just because he was like ignorant about stuff, but he wasn't

a bad person. You know, he just would say dumb stuff and it was funny because he was so clueless. The thing with Michael Scott was never that he was mean or trying to like dig at somebody or trying to poke fun that identity. I understand. But I'm saying this, but this thing down with black people. What's the gay lingo? Like he was there.

There has been an unbelievable infringement on free speech since 9 11. Okay. Okay. Since 9 11. There's been an unbelievable infringement. Like you're like the way you're not allowed to discuss our foreign policy other than to just say the standard. I support the troops.

My thought and prayers go out to the families and the victims. That's what you're allowed to say. If you saw me, I see. You don't say that. They don't believe in that at all. Not that they don't support the people who are serving, but there are very much against everything that we do in terms of wars and all that kind of stuff. So I don't, I don't know.

I don't, I don't see it like that. I do. Because I, what I saw was if you look at the way comedians and performers acted during the Vietnam War, they were fearless, said whatever the fuck they wanted. Right. There was an, there was an immediate like what the people that earn money off of war learned from Vietnam is that if you, if the media and the public turns on it, you know, you're going to have to leave this money making fucking war that you're in.

So what they did during, I don't know if it was an actual conspiracy to do it, but what they did since Vietnam was basically all mainstream media got into the hands of very few people. Okay. That's why when you watch Fox or you watch CNN, there is no criticism. Of, hey, wait a minute. How the fuck are we going to pay? Like now we're talking about starting a war with Iran and we're completely fucking bankrupt.

Like how exactly are we, what is the end game? Why are we doing this? You're not allowed to ask any of that. And if you ask any of that, that means that you don't appreciate the truth. They put it all on the fucking truth. You don't like babies. You don't think kids should have ice cream. You, you're a socialist.

You should get the fuck out of here. And everybody, you know, there's this thing of like the amount of people going like, you know, there's no upside. Don't say anything. Don't say anything. And we've all not said anything into like trillions and trillions of dollars of fucking debt. And we allowed 3,500 fucking jerk offs on a jungle gym to bankrupt a first world nation

because all of us don't want to get in trouble. And I'm not saying I don't have a, I don't have a fucking solution for any of this, but you should be able to be like, Hey man, just out of curiosity, how the fuck are we going to pay for this? Right. Like I understand what we were trying to achieve here, but financially, the way we're going about this is, is there a better way to do this? If you, if you do any of that, why don't you get the fuck out of the country, you fucking

piece of shit socials. And now in stand up, you know, I told you, I was at the fucking danger field and this woman in the crowd didn't like what I was doing. She's like next subject. Nobody wants to hear this. And then there's this big fucking walking out and that I think is just, you know, she was like young, she was in her twenties and just grew up on social media and everybody and I'm going to make a comment and everything I say and how I feel and all of my feelings

are so fucking, it's like she was talking to me like she hired me for her birthday party. It's like, no, you came to the comedy club. Yeah. She doesn't get to dictate what you talk. Yeah. She was sitting there like, like she was fucking Napoleon. It's like, I'm not talking about what the fuck I want to talk about. I have the microphone.

Yeah. And she sat there like I needed to talk about things that only she needed to hear. And then she actually sat there and acted as though she spoke for everybody. And I think, I don't think it's all this big conspiracy. I also think it has to do with how much content is out there and all of this shit. So then what it becomes is it becomes like, like arguing and screaming and yelling is the way to get viewers. So that's why any little fucking dust up like three fucking jerks off having a straight

pride parade gets everybody all amped up or somebody comes up with a fucking flag and everybody fucking focuses on that rather than, hey, man, we're bankrupt and we're talking about starting another fucking war just out of curiosity. I think it's at one point. At what point are we just going to go out of business over here? I mean, the way we're running this country right now financially is it's beyond fucking reckless. If anybody else as an individual ran our lives the way they're running this country right

now financially, our credit cards would have been cut up fucking 30 years ago. Well, I feel like you can have multiple things that you are concerned about. So I don't believe in this whole like, why are you concerned about this when we should be concerned about like, you can be concerned about a multitude of things. You don't think there's priority? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, but I mean, there's your priorities and like my priorities might be different. But I also feel like too something like I'm starting to think more now like I think something

like a straight pride parade and poking fun at identity politics. What the concern is that you've got people sort of stirring up this thing where that even though it seems so silly and ridiculous and not important, that is informing the minds of people who feel more empowered to try to like hurt people who identify a certain way. But who empowered them? Huh? Who empowered them? Who empowered who?

Who empowers those people? Empowers what people? What do you mean? The straight pride people. It's three fucking people and people are screaming and yelling like it's three million people. Right. Because I think, you know, it's a touchy thing. It's like this is the type of stuff where, you know, it's, I feel like it's a fine line

between like I should be proud to be straight and like fuck you, you f-word, or you tranny, or some kind of like other slander. And it, and that can often lead to violence and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I know, but like it's three fucking people applying for a permit. Three people applying for a permit. People act like the Third Reich just got back together. And then you give them everything that they want. And then you know what?

Who hears it? Those fucking people who already think those things. But again, as I- So in a way, you guys are handing out flyers. No, no, I don't think that people should ever stop speaking up for what they believe in and what they feel like is harmful to them. And when it comes to this type of stuff- I don't think three people doing something.

But again, I- What makes it harmful is a million people who wouldn't do it letting no, announcing to people who didn't even know that it fucking existed, that it now exists. But also, I'm not going to tell people who are hurt or triggered or offended or whatever the word is by the very idea of this that they shouldn't be upset about that. I'm not going to do that to them because if they are upset about it, if this drums up feelings like, oh my god, this is exactly what my grandpa or my dad or whatever said, then I'm not going to tell them that that's wrong.

Meanwhile, we're going to start another fucking war and be even more bankrupt. Again- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's literally like our house is on fire and you're going, you know, we need a new toaster. I mean, what are we doing here? It's like, literally, we're talking about, you know, we're going to go under. At some point, we're going to go under. I mean, how much- it's some fucking point.

I watch Russia. We all watch Russia go bankrupt. It happens. Okay, I know, but I just don't think that it is your or my place to tell people what they should be worked up about and you should be more concerned about this. That's just my opinion, especially when it comes to this. I'm not very- I've said this before. I'm not very well-versed in any of those issues.

Can I tell you something? This is why global warming will not be solved because people are going to be sitting around talking about gender-neutral bathrooms when they're not going to have a place to fucking put them. It's like, there are priorities. Okay, and I would say- I mean, that's like saying, do you have priorities in your personal life? It's just like, well, getting toothpaste is just as important as paying the life insurance bill this month. No, I don't really think you can simplify it like that. You're such a straight pride flag.

You're so black and white. Because what you're arguing- what you're arguing exists within this thing, this large thing that's going to go under. So it's like you're on a boat that's sinking and you're talking about what color we should paint one of the cabins rather than trying to plug up the fucking- we're not going to have a boat. Do you understand? I'm trying to be as sensitive and open-minded to people as I can in my own personal life. Okay, I give up. I absolutely- I give up. I give up with fucking people and like- I just don't understand.

Like, I have problems. I got problems in my fucking life, but nothing is more important right now to me than I would say global warming and the financial fucking situation in this country. And that's fine. Like, because all of this shit, all of this shit- And how would you feel if I was like, that's not what's important? That's what you've been saying. What's important right now is human beings' rights and blah blah blah blah. No, I'm letting you have that thing that's important to you and not telling you that it's wrong. I know, but I'm not saying what you're saying is wrong.

I'm saying what you're saying is a circle that exists in this giant circle that's going to pop and it's just going to be tethered to nothing. So there's no reason to fix the fucking roof if the foundation is going to collapse. Like I said, I feel like there's people who are probably more- what do you call it? I don't know what the word is. Better at figuring that stuff out. I don't know what I'm saying. I lost my train of thought. No, Nia, because what is happening is we're all screaming and yelling. Like, there'll be more arguments in the world, in this country, about three fucking people wanting to have a straight pride parade

and versus when was the last time you saw Twitter blow up about how much debt we're in? But also, wait, to get back to the environmental thing, are there not like hardcore environmentalists and like, you know, the Paris Accord and all these things that people have been working on about saving the environment? It's not like it's not being tended to by people who are in charge or knowledgeable about that stuff. Is it not? So is it not your responsibility to try to use less water bottles? Absolutely. But nobody's doing that. Nobody's doing that.

Those same fucking people, you go to a gay pride parade and the fucking thing ends and there's like a zillion fucking water bottles on the fucking ground. It's hilarious. There's not going to need to be any pride of anything because we're not going to fucking be here anymore. But if that's what you're getting from like the gay pride parade, then you completely missed the point. No, I'm seeing the irony in it. But again, what does that have to do with the gay pride parade? See, you guys are sitting here having a parade about gay rights.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them. What I'm saying is that we're just so up our own fucking asses about bathrooms and support the troops and fucking America and all of this shit. We're bankrupt, Nia. We're fucking bankrupt and we're talking about starting another fucking war. So all of this shit that we're fucking sitting here, losing our fucking mind about, it doesn't exist. If you just viewed this country as a big fucking house and we're yelling about the wallpaper and the carpeting and all that. And meanwhile, the fucking thing on the other side of the house is on fire or the foundation is going to collapse to sit there and say that,

if this global warming thing is not fucking hoax, is an absolute truth, then all of these issues that we have are going to be non-issues when the ocean rises up and swallows us all. If you were a part of that community, I think you would feel very differently. But you're not. So it's very easy for you to sit back and tell people what they should and should not focus on. I am not saying that you shouldn't focus on it. You're missing my point. My fucking point is there's not even remotely the same level of passion for how much fucking debt we're in and what the fuck are we doing?

Maybe you just haven't found like your tribe in that or something. Maybe you need to be on like environmental Twitter when that's kind of what all they talk about. I don't know. Why are you staring at me like that? Because, Nia, what you're talking about is a subset of a subset of fucking people. I'm saying the mainstream, Nia, the mainstream people who are fucking looking at memes and doing all of this shit. We're the ones that, I don't know, I give up. You know something?

I don't even know where the fuck this thing even went. All I know is that our ability of every different human being to live on this planet is equally as, just to survive, is equally as important as, I don't know what, I don't know what. I never said that those other issues were not important. I'm just saying, I just wish there was the same level of fucking passion existed. Like, I don't understand how in 2019, I don't understand how is war legal? Where else did they have run around with their flat screen teams and saying all this shit? If you actually looked at the fucking footage that they don't show over here about what the fuck happens in war and you see these fucking people who didn't do anything, pull all their children out of rubble, dead. You know?

That's the type of shit they used to show on the news. They don't show that anymore. They don't show it anymore. I have to run. Okay. Alright, Nia, before you leave, can I make a video of you throwing a water ball and landing on top, you know, upright and we're all start screaming? That's what the fuck we'll do. Okay.

It's great to be back. Alright, that's the podcast, everybody. Well, that's it? You're ending it on that note? Well, I have to, they're going to pick me up here, so. Alright. 42 minutes, you guys got extra fucking, that turned into fucking Meet the Press. Alright.

Listen to the music and enjoy the rest of the Greatest Hits podcast. Jesus Christ, that got so fucking heated, I forgot to read the advertisements. You know, you'd think I would be old enough to just realize when someone is just not going to agree with me to just fucking stop. I don't know if I'll ever fucking figure that out, but you know what? Me figuring that out is not more important than us fiscally and fucking environmentally. Everything's a priority. Frame bridge, everybody. Father's Day is around the corner and Dad doesn't want another pair of socks.

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Yes, sir, I am on vacation, but before I get to talking about what a great, fun-ass fucking time I've been having for the last few days, I need to address the Boston Bruins for half a second. All right? Do you know what the Bruins need? Okay? They need Larry Bird or someone of his ilk. God knows there's not a lot of them to walk into that fucking locker room. Okay? And he needs to give that speech that he gave way back in the day when we were getting fucking our asses kicked by the Lakers. And Larry Bird fucking went on TV or whatever. He's getting interviewed. And he's sitting there with his fucking pasty torso and his little prepubescent fucking mustache. You know? His cleft palate, upper lip, whatever he's covering up. I don't know.

Every man's got some secrets, but he said, he sat there after getting his ass kicked by the fucking Lakers, the Celtics. He said, we played like a bunch of damn sissies out there. We played like a bunch of sissies. He just kept saying it. We played like a bunch of sissies. What happened the next game? What happens the next day? Oh, fucking Kurt Rambus comes down the damn court and he gets fucking clothes lined by Kevin McHale. And I believe Larry Bird. I can't remember. I don't have the highlight in front of me. I'm on vacation. I don't have time to do that shit. And that turned the whole series around. All right?

Now, I was watching that game fucking 2 and the people commentating. They're all great. They're all great. Milbury. I like all those guys, but they kept saying, I'll tell you, Boston fans got to be mad. What the fuck's his name? Burroughs. I didn't know the guy's goddamn name. I never heard him. Didn't get suspended because in the first game he bit Patrice Bergeron's finger. Okay? And they just kept going. I'll tell you, Boston fans, I'll tell you, they got to be upset right now. They really got to be upset. You know? They got to be upset that this guy didn't get suspended. You know what happens? I guarantee you on Boston Sports Radio, there's a bunch of Bruins fans going, you know, I'm upset because fuckface wasn't suspended. They literally tell you what to think.

That fucking guy, he shouldn't have got suspended. What he did was not suspendable. It was just sort of bizarre. It was something like a six-year-old or like a toddler would do. That's why, that's why there was no huge response after he did, you know, if you fucking slam someone face first into the board, you take a cheap shot, the whole team's pile on and you're trying to kick the shit out of you. You bite somebody, people would just stand around like, dude, what the fuck? That's what Patrice Bergeron was doing. He was skating off the ice. He looks at a friend of his, a friend of his, a teammate and he goes, you fucking bit me.

I don't think it was suspendable. Maybe you would make the guy wear a dress for the first period of Game 2. Maybe that, all right, but that does not address the issues that the Bruins have right now. The fucking issue is that they're playing, they're playing soft. They're making Vancouver look like this tough physical team. I totally respect Vancouver. They are a beast of a team with goal scorers, snipers. Okay, Luongo, I would give, you know, I'll give them eight out of ten stars because that guy can't get rattled. All right, but they're not a physical team. When I look down their bench, there's nobody there that looks intimidating. It's a bunch of red bearded douchebags like me. Every other guy in their team looks like me.

I'm not intimidating, but the way the Bruins are playing, I don't get it. Chara is getting pushed all over the fucking ice. I'm getting sick of it. So I'm hoping that that's what is going on right now. And in Game 3, we come out, we stop playing like a bunch of goddamn sissies and we hit these goal scorers. That's all they are. They're a team of goal scorers. There's nobody tough on their team. Stop getting pushed around. Did you see what happened when you checked fucking what's his face there? God damn it, I'm so bad with the names. The fuck is his name? The guy from Livonia, Michigan, and he used to play angry and now he doesn't get angry anymore

and now he's having a career year fucking... Oh, he's not one of the Sendeeeds. He's fucking... I can never remember names. I'm the worst. That fucking guy, he got hit and all of a sudden he gets up slowly, skates off the ice. That's what you do. That's what you do to goal scorers. You slam them into the boards. Legally, that's what you do. You don't just stand there, give up the blue line. Oh wow, look at them. They're so good at passing. I'm getting sick of it, alright? We're making Vancouver look like they're the fucking flyers. They're not. Alright? This is exactly what we did against Montreal.

We made Cary Price look like the second coming of fucking Patrick Waugh, because we kept taking slap shots from the fucking red line with nobody in front, right at his goddamn pancreas. Another save by Cary Price. I thought, hey, the bro, it's got to be a fucking little shut up. And what do we do? We went down 0-2. Do we have it in us again? I don't fucking know. I don't, but I would like if we would actually return a couple of checks every once in a while. They've actually been two great fucking games and I'd be way more excited about it if we weren't down 0-2.

You know? All these fucking douchebag Canuck fans who haven't said shit to me all year. My Twitter's blowing up after they win games, by the way. No shit talk before the game. You know? Then they give me a bunch of shit. You know? Walking around with their chests puffed out because they won a 1-0 game. It's fucking annoying. Then they're giving me shit because I'm not texting during the finals. I'm sorry, my team hasn't been there in 20 years.

I don't want to come up with clever shit during the fucking game. Alright? Okay. Enough of that shit. So anyways, I'm on vacation. And you know, a lot of people when they go on vacation. Nia, could you not put away the plates so loudly, please? I don't know if you guys can hear that. That's very disturbing. I'm taking, I'm taping the podcast right now. Hey, how nice is it to be in like a house?

Huh? It's very nice. Thank you. You know what? Sometimes I call her over and she wants to talk. Other times she doesn't. I think she's annoyed with me. Even on vacation, I can only get like six hours sleep. Cause halfway through like the night, all of a sudden my brain's like, how come you didn't sign up for crab soccer in seventh grade? And then I got to walk around and think about that shit.

What's crab soccer? I don't know. Vacation in New England. Someone will explain it to you. Just reminded me of a fucked up story. We used to have this gym coach. This guy was the shit. And you know, he drank a little bit. And he gambled a little bit. And it was the 80s. So you didn't really hide it.

He'd come in with his red nose. And I remember we would play, it was fucking awesome. We would play football. And we had gym class on Mondays. So there was always Monday night football. So basically what he would do, whoever was playing Monday night football, let's say it was the Browns versus the Lions. He'd divide up to gym class and he'd go,

you guys are the Browns and you guys are the Lions. And whoever wins, I'm going to bet this on the game. And he'd flash this big water cash. And we thought he was filthy, stinkin' rich. So anyways, we're playing crab soccer. And I guess kid scores a goal, right? And this guy used to like, the guy was the shit. He used to like announce the games as you were playing them.

He'd be like, oh shit, look at Baron defense. He's all over the place. And it just gets you amped up. That was the greatest gym teacher slash human being ever. So anyways, this kid scores a goal. All right. Then he scores another goal and he's like, he's flipping out. Holy shit.

And then he yells, if you score another goal, I'm going to buy you an Atari. Which in our world, the seventh graders cost like nine zillion dollars. So needless to say, the kid scores the fucking goal. And he starts flipping out. Because the gym coach is just hyping him up. Just kept screaming over and over again. I'm going to buy you an Atari. I'm going to buy you an Atari.

And we're all going nuts. He's going to buy him an Atari. Next week. Hey dude, he buy you the Atari? Nah. Not yet. Not yet. But he's going to, a week after that, he ever gets you to get that Atari?

Nah, he hasn't got it to me. Yeah, he never got it for him. You know, typical gambler. He's all great. He's all great. He builds you all up. And then right when you need him, he fucking walks away from you. But the best goddamn gym coach I ever had.

Was that even remotely interesting? Well, you know what? I don't give a shit. Because I'm on vacation. Technically, I'm not even supposed to be doing this. I'm supposed to be on vacation. What did you guys do? You called me back to the office.

Now I'm shuffling around looking for those papers I forgot. My wife and kids are out in the car. I swear to God, he just can't leave his job for more than three days. Anyway, so you're probably wondering where I'm at. I'm actually at, I don't know, I travel all the fucking time. Okay? I travel all the time. And I'm always going to airports.

And you guys know how I feel about that. And I always get on a plane. And I'm always just sitting next to some fatty. Right? And they always look at me, making me smaller every year. No, no, sir. No. Well, maybe a little bit.

But in general, you keep getting fatter. And I know it's a disease. Anyways, yeah, there's always some fatty spilling into my goddamn seat. Okay. Or I get the aisle and then there's some fucking douche with a weak bladder. And every time I start to nod off with my heavy head. And it starts to fuck it. You know, I just start nodding off.

And as my heavy heads going forward, I start having dreams about being slapped in the back of the neck. Oh, that's how I should have done that joke. And I didn't realize it's actually just the weight of my head. See what I did? I front-end loaded that one with the punchline. You guys just learned a little something for all you people who send me emails about how to do stand-up comedy. Here's rule number one. Don't put the punchline before the setup.

Oh, Jesus. Anyways, so I decided I don't want to go to the goddamn airport, but I'd like to get away from my apartment. So after years of living out here and everybody telling me how great Big Bear Mountain, or Big Bear Summit, or Big Bear fucking Polo Grounds and Lake, whatever the fuck you call this place. I decided to come up here, rent it a little fucking cabin slash house. And I feel like I'm in New Hampshire right now. It's awesome. It's fucking cold out.

The water is freezing. I went on a hike yesterday. I felt like I was going to get hypothermia. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the vacation of a redhead, you know? And fellow redheads out there, freckled face fuckers, gingers, whatever the hell you want to call this, stop trying to be like regular people. You know, everybody wants to go someplace warm, right? They go down the Caribbean and then you show up just blistering in the goddamn sun.

Why are you doing that to yourself? You know? And then people just sitting there going, you can't get any color at all. No, I mean, I'm like white, but you're just, wow. Look at your legs. I'm sorry. Those are just, you're just standing there like a fucking freak. Don't do that to yourself.

That's not the vacation of a redhead. A redhead goes from mild climate to severely cold climate. That's, that's how I feel. My next vacation is going to be in the Yukon territories, you know? And I'm going to get some snowshoes and get one of those Eskimo jackets. All right? And I'm going to walk across the tundra, my little red nose. So anyways, we're up here at Big Bear fucking Lake.

And I decided I want to go, I wanted to go on this hike two days ago. And you know, Nia's the exact opposite of me. She can sleep until the cows come home. She's a relaxed, beautiful person. I am a, a psychopath who's totally wound up. So I'm up at like five in the morning and I want to go on a hike. She doesn't want to go. So I say, fuck it.

I'm going, right? It was more like nine in the morning, right? Which is five in the morning when you're on vacation. So I walk into the goddamn woods and this isn't like hiking. And LA, this is the real deal. Like they have bears. They have mountain lions. And, uh, and I'm by myself.

And I wasn't really thinking as I go hiking in LA by myself all the fucking time. So I wasn't thinking about anything, but I got to tell you the second I got into the forest. This isn't the woods. This is the forest. This overwhelming feeling of being watched just fucking came over me. You know? This is what it's like walking in a forest. Okay.

At first you recognize the animals when you first get in. You're like, oh yeah, look at the pile of ants. Ah, that's a squirrel. Hey, look at the little chipmunk. Right? And you get about a quarter mile in and then that's the first time you see something move. You're like, dude, what the fuck was that? Is that a dog?

A little dog with a fat tail. And then you get this feeling. You're like, wow. That thing was running around like it's nervous. That means somebody, something else is bigger that eats that. And then there's something bigger than that that eats that. And you know the deal. And I started hearing Bill Curtis' voice in my head.

You know, his girlfriend didn't get up, so he decided to go hiking alone. Around 7.30 that evening when Bill didn't return, Nia started getting worried. And that's when they use horrific words like remains, you know. They find my torn jacket, one of my legs just laying on the fucking path. That's when I started. So I overrode my ego and I said, fuck this. And I turned back around and I immediately was like, I'm going to get a knife. If I'm going to go in here by myself, I at least need a knife.

I'm going to get one of those big fucking Daniel Boone. I'll stab a grizzly bear right in the fucking throat, right? So I go to the fish and tackle place down there. Or whatever the hell it is, the sporting good place. And I said, yeah, listen, I'm going on a hike. I want a knife just getting freaked out that I'm going to get eaten by a mountain line. And the guy's like, nah, you don't want a knife. You don't want a knife.

You got to get in close with a knife. And I was thinking about that. How hard a grizzly bear can, you know, that bionic bitch slap that they have, where your fucking head spins around and you break your neck. Just imagine me still being able to hold on to the knife, you know? The average NFL running back, if you get stuck by Ray Lewis fumbles the football, I'm going to be able to hang onto this knife, taking a fucking bitch slap from a grizzly bear. It's going to fall on the ground and then it's going to rip my face off.

And then I'm going to be on Oprah talking about how I feel blessed that it ripped my face off because now I know what's important in life, right? Isn't that what they always do after somebody gets their face ripped off? Or they get burnt to a crisp and then they just sit there. You know, I realize what's important in life is actually the best thing that ever happened to me. I took everything for granted. It's just like, ugh. It's amazing that that's how they feel because I would not feel that way. I would fucking be like, nah, I would be lying to everybody in the hospital that I felt great

and I felt blessed and I would then climb onto the top of the hospital and I would just roll off. You hear what I'm saying people? I would not do well with that challenge. You know, all the religious people say that, that the Lord only challenges those that he feels are strong enough. I'll tell you right now, that's why I still have a face because he knows I'm a big fag. Anyway, so the guy goes, listen, you don't want a knife. What you want is some pepper spray. I go, pepper spray? He goes, nah, he goes, this is like bear pepper spray. And I'm looking, I got the package right here. It says grizzly tough pepper spray and there's a picture of a bear.

Counter assault, bear deterrent. See, so they're already giving in with this product that you're going to get assaulted. It's not assault preventer, it's counter assault. Because basically the goddamn bear is going to be coming at you so fast, you know, and those things can't stop on a dime. They're like a giant SUV. You're going to hit him with that fucking pepper spray and it's going to do a barrel roll right over you. And if you're lucky, it's going to keep fucking going. So anyways, he says this shit is actually strong enough to blind a fucking human being.

But evidently not a bear, which doesn't make sense to me. Because like I said, as much as I can understand that a bear can bitch slap me down off a fucking mountain, you know, an eyeball's an eyeball, right? You poke a bear in the eye, he's going to do that little fucking, you know, that little dance. You know, I got poked in the eye dance. Even a bear's going to do that. So anyway, so I got this shit, cost me 50 bucks, right? So I got this shit and then I went on a hike yesterday with Nia up to, what was it, Bertha Summit?

Bertha Peak? Nia. Yeah, Bertha Peak. Which was like a two and a half hour goddamn hike. At least for us. I know some douche from Big Bear is going to ride in. Dude, actually I can do it in 45 minutes. Can ya? Well, go ahead there fucking tanto.

Have a good time. Um, so I buy this shit, right? And what do I do? I forget it. Like an asshole. So then I just, you know, I said, ah fuck it, there's two of us. You know, Nia's a lot more curvier than I am. She'll probably look like a better cut of meat.

I'll be fine. What? Come here, Nia. Come over here. Let's talk about the hike real quick and then I'll dismiss you. Coming into the studio. Dude, I'll tell you, this is how much, this is how much of a fucking redhead I am. Is that not only do I want to come up here to this freezing cold lake, we actually have a jacuzzi here.

And Nia convinced me to get into this shit two nights ago. And even that was too hot for me. It wasn't even that hot. Ugh. I can't handle it. I can't fucking breathe. I can't, I hate that. I hate having a hot shower.

I hate all that. I hate the sun. I don't like heat in general. I like being up here where it's fucking cold. Okay. I like how you just said that like, you're like, I'm acting like you were challenging me. It's okay. It's okay to like cold things.

You know what I don't like about this place? I don't like how every cabin you ever rent, like it's like, whenever you go into the bathroom, there's no heat whatsoever. You know, now that I've bitched about how I like, you know, hate the heat, but I don't like that. You go in there, right? To relieve yourself and like your shirt, your shirt is blowing in the breeze. And every one of these fucking cabins, it's always like a story. Dude, my grandfather built it back in the 20s.

This isn't even a cabin. What is it? This is a full on house. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. Look, it's got wood on the ceilings. It's got a moose head above us. This is a cabin.

It's got a sled hanging from the ceiling. It's got two fireplaces. Yeah. Within sight of each other. This is a cabin. But it's a house. It's on grounds. There's a backyard.

Look, I'm not saying there's dirt floors in the remains of Abe Lincoln in the corner. All right. But if we went to look at this goddamn thing, would you call this thing a house? Like if you were looking for a house, wouldn't you be like, it seems all like a cabin. I see what you're saying, but. Oh, Jesus. Trying to get a woman to agree with you. You want to hear something that this guy wrote in?

This guy wrote in and wrote in all the way from Afghanistan. Let me see if I can find this here. It's overrated, underrated. This is a classic here, right? Overrated. All right, brother. I got one for you. Overrated.

Trying to have a logical argument with a woman you're dating. Now just wait. Do I need to be here for this? Yeah. Yeah. Because you need to balance it out so this doesn't come off as totally misogynistic. All right. What?

You don't have to be here. No. Go ahead. All right. Just come on. Be fun. Have fun. All right.

Overrated. Trying to have a logical argument with a woman you're dating. It never ceases to amaze me. Every time I overhear some retard complaining about some chick that won't listen, won't listen to them and argues with them all the time. Any veteran dude who's been with a chick over 48 hours knows that they don't stay on topic and they don't think logically. They aren't trying to fix shit.

It's an emotional thing with them. So why anyone thinks they can talk to a chick in that mindset is beyond me. The way I see it, most guys go one of two routes when presented with an angry bitch. This guy seems enlightened, right? Yeah, exactly. Why should I listen to anything this fucking asshole has to say? Don't let him make you mad. He's throwing you off your game.

Anyways, either they choose the path of least resistance saying, yeah, over and over again and nodding and gazing into oblivion. A lot of guys do that. Those are the henpeck guys. All right. Yeah. Okay. Fine.

Yeah. They don't make a difference or they pander to their petty, weak emotions and sensitivities by talking slowly at a dull whisper trying to calm and appease them. Both methods have their benefits. However, I'd like to offer a third avenue if I may. I've been faithfully married seven years now and it works so far. Not that I'm an expert, but here you go. Here's his third one.

All right. First, like any competitive dude, you beat them at their own game. When they come at you saying something like, why is this thawk on the ground and I told you to put it, blah, blah, blah, and that bitchy whiny, I want to fight voice, wagging their finger and cocking their heads sideways. This guy in a reality show? Or is this how his wife reacts? Anyways, you just reply in your loudest tone, whatever the fuck the last thing that pissed

you off was. And as you say it, you keep eye contact and walk straight up to him. So basically, if you said, why are these socks on the ground? I'm supposed to in my loudest voice go and not break eye contact, walk right up to you and be like, why didn't you do the dishes last night? And what is that supposed to do? He's not done yet. This is the beginning.

This is the first quarter. Okay. Let the game plan unfold here. All right. What the hell am I? I lost my place. Usually this will startle them. Oh, God.

As they come back. No, come on here. You got to listen. As they come back. This is like they tell you what to do when approaching a bear or something like that. Okay. Make a lot of noise. Just let me finish.

Let me finish. No, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'll be right back. All right. As they come back with what? As they come back with what does that have to do with whatever we're arguing about?

You just pull down your pants and start jacking your dick while they stand there with that dumb confused look on their face. Nia, come on. You got to be back here for the reactions. All right. And while they try it. No, this is obviously joking. Maybe this is forward thinking.

Let me let me finish here. This is a new strategy. And while they try to regain whatever thought they had in that scanner brain skill, you just keep going to town, not saying a word. If they talk to you till completion, you just say, thank you. That's about what that argument was worth. And you walk away as you leave, pick up the sock or whatever and toss it in the hamper. There you go.

That's, that's his thing. Well, at least he still puts it away. Yeah. Yes. Everybody's happy. This is obviously somebody who's pandering to your over the top, completely ridiculous misogynistic statements you say on a weekly basis on this fucking podcast and he's trying to impress you by coming up with, I've seen this time.

Why don't you do the dishes? Wait a minute. Let me wait a second. Shut up. No. This is just some copycat fan. I'm supposed to take this seriously. Like this is a real thing.

I don't know. I'm not giving this another fucking thought. Next. Anyways. So he said, Bill, your way with dealing with women is pretty good, but it's passive aggressive. I don't even know what he's talking about. And I know how you feel about that shit, about being passive aggressive. Even if you're doing it to maintain the high road for your future breakup, why does it

matter if the, what does it matter if the relationship is over? I don't know what he thinks my strategy is. Anyways, he said, you might as well say fuck it and go out in a blaze of glory. Granted, I know about losing your cool and shit like that, but in the end it just builds up and leads to a bigger blow up. You end up staring at the ceiling or yelling as you drive in the car thinking, damn, I should have come back with this or that. No, fuck that.

No matter how witty or snappy your comeback is, it wouldn't have made any difference because that bitch isn't going to listen. The only thing, you wouldn't know that this guy's happily married. The only thing- Yeah, you don't sound happily married. You're letting this guy get to you. He's totally winning right now. You're getting mad.

He said to pull out his dick and jack it till completion. That's what I'm saying. This is bullshit. This is real. So why am I listening to this? He's just trying to be funny. Yeah, that's what- And you know what you're doing?

That's what I said. You're being a fun sponge. You're just sucking all the fucking- That totally isn't real. You're taking it seriously. Like that lady on NPR. A lady who I talked to the other day to hype this gig and I was talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and she just goes, I don't think that situation is funny at all.

Oh, god. So of course that doesn't- Really? She doesn't think it's funny at all? Well, it doesn't divert me. So I just plow into my fucking material and there's just dead silence. And the other two comics are laughing. So she goes, I don't find that funny at all.

I go, well, you know, I always- All my jokes, I usually end up losing half the crowd. So am I being- Wait a minute. She goes, I always end up losing half the crowd. And this is the NPR egghead response. She goes, actually, I'm a third of the crowd. Oh, Jesus.

But I was hyping a benefit. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, so I didn't say anything. She's like, oh, touche. She did the math. Oh, she ended the interview. When we ended the interview, she goes, okay, and that's- I'm so and so and this has been how to build a birdhouse

with the special comedy edition, whatever the stupid NPR story was. And then she ends. She goes, okay, guys, thanks a lot. She goes, yeah, that wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. She actually said that to us. Clueless. Yeah, totally clueless. So you're saying I'm being the NPR lady right now?

You're actually thinking that this guy is going to, like, is happily married for seven years and he goes up and he screams in his wife's face. Wow. Like she's a grizzly bear and then takes his dick out and jacks it occasionally to completion. See? You know what it is? What? Is what it really is, is that I annoy the shit out of you.

That's true. And my views about women are so fucking annoying to you that the second this guy started talking, you weren't yelling at him. You were yelling at me. I'll fucking yell at you, too. So get it off your chest. I'll tell you what's on my chest right now. I'm still tired.

What is your goddamn problem with this great guy who's fucking rented out a cabin by the lake? It's a house. It's a house. I'll go with that. Really? With these shag rubs? Did you tell them how amazing our meal was last night?

No. We're going to start hyping the places. Don't get off topic here. Oh. I want to know, what is your goddamn problem with me? Nothing. I just wanted to sleep longer. You come in there and you're like, ooh, what's going on?

I'm sticking your fucking nose in my ear. I want to sleep. Well, because it's the Monday morning podcast, I have to do it Monday morning. I realize that. Or else the title doesn't make any sense. My Monday morning listeners, by the way, not yours, you selfish cunts, my morning. Go ahead. So that's what I was saying.

I know you wanted to be on the podcast. So I was saying, you know, it's going to get a little loud out there. Yeah. All right, fine. Yeah. One of these days, the day you realize that you don't have a leg to stand on in this relationship, we're going to get along so much better. That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, it does. How great was the Cowboy Steakhouse down the street? Oh, delicious. Yeah. The fucking ribs. Yes. I'm going to hype it. You know what?

I don't have any advertising this week, but I'm going to fucking hype this place. It's called the Cowboy Steakhouse. The Cowboy Steakhouse on, I forget the street. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's in Big Bear Lake. Yeah, Big Bear Lake. You can't miss it. It's one of three restaurants up here.

So we come walking in, right? Immediately, you know, you know, they got like the country music, just a good old boy, never meaning no harm, but they got all those country fucking songs played. So Nia obviously gets nervous, right? Places like that. Yeah. You get nervous. You know, it's going to be like.

Yeah. And everyone's going to stop and look at me. What? Tarnation she doing in here. Yeah. Even though we're in California. Yeah, but no, but no, but that's the thing though is the second you get outside the cities is it gets very, it can get very making Georgia quickly.

And sometimes it doesn't like up here, it doesn't. These people are all cool. Thank you. Yeah. Everybody is very cool up here. But we went in there and you were like, you were asking me if you thought, you know, the second I smelled that food, I was like, this, this is going to be good. That was delicious.

Yeah. I saw that big fat guy eating the ribs. I was like, how fat was that guy? He was pretty fat. He had a whole thing to himself. We split it. He had it to himself. He's one of those guys who's so fatty with shorts all year round.

His pants are too constricting. Dude, I don't get cold. Why would you? You fucking walrus. Look at you. Your biggest problem. Mike, that's easy. Only guy up here get attacked by a polar bear.

Thank you. All right. So anyways, so this guy actually asked me what my strategy is with women. Well, I'm going to tell you this. I actually, I'm doing a giant chunk of material on this. I disagree with you. Women argue, stay on topic if they're right. All right.

If they're wrong, that's when they do all the diversionary tactics and they try to make it about something else. And if you're not going for it, if you don't fall for the diversionary tactics, then their last ditch effort is to try to make you mad. Like what you did to me yesterday when you kept saying I was acting like a baby because you knew I was right. You're acting like a baby. I said it once.

You're acting like a baby. I said it once. You said it more than once. No, I did not. No. Then you came in the bedroom and you said, why are you acting like a baby? You're throwing a temper tantrum. Yeah, I said you're throwing a temper tantrum.

You slammed the door. You slammed the door. I didn't. You did. I walked away calm and cool. I didn't close because it's a fucking solid object because it's a door. Doors make noise when you open and close. I didn't slam it.

Wow. What happened to slamming the door? You did slam the door. I didn't slam the door. Whatever. Then you said, that's not a, that's, that wouldn't work in a debating class. We're not in a debating class. We're on your.

We're on my podcast. Silly little lo-fi podcast. All right. All right, you know what, you don't have to be here. I don't, I don't need to take that on my vacation. How fucked up was that hike we went on yesterday? We went up to Berksis Creek. Oh my God.

That hike. Was ridiculous. You're exaggerating. Yeah. And you know what? You were great for the first 90%. That last 10%. I don't want to go.

You started doing that toddler thing where you were making your arms go limp and your head was going back. I was, I was frustrated. I admit. Yeah. It was a long, tiring, difficult hike. Beautiful. But you know, fucking walking for three hours.

And you know what I realized there? If we're ever in a point of crash and we survived, I'm going to have to be the guy that makes something happen. What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about that last 10% of the hike when you tapped out. You tapped out. Yeah, but I kept going.

I just got quiet. Why? Because I kept urging you on. Like a fucking team leader. Wow. I didn't expect to go on some like ridiculous hike. I told you we should do like a little moderate, easy thing. There was nothing ridiculous about it.

Please. My feet were killing me by the end of it. Yeah. I wear those. It's no joke. All middle-aged white guys wear the gray new balance with the inserts. We got to get you one of those, what are those things that people put on their foot and they look like a foot and it's supposed to be really good for your feet?

Yeah, what are those fucking things? Those sneakers, but their feet, sock things. They're creepy. They are creepy. I was going to say a primate. We're all fucking primates. You look like a fucking ape. Yeah.

All you need is your big toe to be bad. And some of you with hammer toes gets one of those. Oh, no, no. Reverse hammer toes with the fucking, the big toes sticking out. They're going to look like a goddamn chimp. Anyways, let me plow ahead with the podcast. All right. Because your eggs are done.

I just heard them. Not eggs. I'm making bacon. All right. I know. I'm arguing for arguments. Yeah. You're arguing for arguments.

All right. I'm tapping out. All right. All right. I'll see you. I'll see you on the other side of the cabin. See that people? That's how you handle them.

Right there. Right as they're walking away. You talk shit about them. So getting back to that guy, my strategy yet is you don't, you don't lose your cool. You stay on target, right? Like that dude in Star Wars. You stay on target. And when they're saying over the top mean shit, you don't respond to it because that's

just them. You ever see a goat get choked to death by a python? Anybody else watch those fucked up YouTube videos? You know, they're stunned at first. They fight. And then there's that middle part like, dude, what the fuck? What is this? And then the very end when they only have a little bit of air left, they fucking kick

in their legs like a maniac before they die. That's the female version. That's the goat version getting killed by a python, Jesus Christ, of women when they start saying that mean shit. That's their last little kick of the legs before it's over. So I don't respond to that shit anymore. Actually, I do a little bit, but I've got myself to the point where I know that it's happening.

And then that's what I did yesterday. She started doing that shit. I just took my plate of food and I walked in the other room and I'm telling you, but the big thing is, is if you're wrong, you have to admit it because that gives you credibility in the future. So there you go, sir. And that was an absolutely fucking hilarious email and it made it even funnier with Nia sitting here taking it seriously.

That's ridiculous. He wouldn't do that. I'm calling bullshit. He didn't jerk off till he came like his wife. I got to tell you though, that would be fucking hilarious to do that. I mean, I could stand there and rub my dick, but it would just be so funny to me. I don't think I could get a hard on. I got to be honest with you.

Oh, that's disgusting. All right. Evidently, I've been going off on the French lately. So some American born person who went over to France, which I don't know if I'm buying. I think they just want to hear my opinions on what French people are really like, you know, and I'm from America. So you can trust me like that shit I always talk about on the, whenever there's some sort of political debate, the Obama is a moron and I'm a Democrat.

All right. Here we go. Hello, Mr. Burr. I'm a podcast very much and I'm also a fan of your stand up. However, I don't mind you poking fun at the French people too much. I don't give a fuck whether you mind or not, you condescending cunt. Even though I am French, I just wanted to inform you about the stereotypes. That's funny.

How come you don't inform me about other stereotypes that I do on this podcast? Oh, because it came around to you. Now you give a shit. Okay. Maybe the stereotypes about the French are assholes who hate America. Okay. Okay. And this person is going to debunk all these, okay, or give me more information.

All right. Number one, Europeans generally hate Americans because, and I was born and raised here so I can say this, ma'am or mister, whoever wrote this shit, you could say it anyways. All right. Stop trying to get some sort of credibility by saying you're from here. I don't give a fuck where you're from. All I know is you live in France, so you got information and just give it to me. All right.

All right. Europeans generally hate Americans because Americans go to different countries and behave rudely. They expect things to be like in the U.S. such as portion size and the ability for everyone to speak English. Whenever I go to France and see American tourists, I get so embarrassed because they are obnoxious and expect everyone to suck their superior American cock. All right.

Let's stop right there. First of all, when Europeans come to America, you guys act like assholes too. Yeah. And Nia just goes, and you don't tip. You don't give a fuck about our customs with tipping. You don't fucking tip. And then all you do is you come to America and you trash it. And I got to be honest with you.

When I go to other countries, I'm not a rude prick. And I would never go to another country and then tell people who live there why their country sucks. That's what Europeans do, okay? And you kind of beat me to the punch here where you say, because they expect everyone to suck their superior American cock, I was going to say, well, you sound a little insecure. And she says, or he says, Europeans also have inferiority issues. Another reason they don't like Americans.

I don't know how many times I've been told by Swedes, the English, Germans, and so on that America sucks and is making the world a worse place. This makes me extremely patriotic and want to defend the US. But I digress from the French. Dude, I actually feel the ex, I got to agree with you on that one. That makes me want to defend it. And it's really funny if the English or the Germans ever talk about a country making the world a worse place, okay?

Because you guys passed the baton to us. Understanding on the shoulders of your work of evil. Swedes, I don't know anything about it yet. You weren't in any of my American history classes. The only first sweet I saw was on the Muppet Show. Remember that? Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie.

But I address from the French. Number two, the French are not assholes. Parisians are assholes. Oh, Jesus Christ. Dude, I wasn't born yesterday. Really? You have all your assholes quarantined just in Paris. There's not one asshole up near the beaches of Normandy, huh?

Or down in Nice. You're telling me I go to Cannes Film Festival? There's not going to be some local asshole there who's going to be a cunt. The French Riviera. Come on. Okay. Evidently, all the asshole French people are just in Paris. So many Americans go to France and only stay in Paris and then assume that all of France

is like Paris. This is so ignorant. It infuriates me. Well, you know, it's the fucking jewel of your country. Those are the smartest people you got. And when they're rude cunts, they are your ambassadors. Who goes to fucking Paris to go to see a farm? I mean, goes to France to go see a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.

Let me ask you this, sir. Ma'am, if you lived in France and you came to America, where would you go? Would you go to Nebraska? God knows you wouldn't find any intelligence out there. Fuck you, buddy. You try growing some corn. That is like going to New York City and assuming that all Americans are like New Yorkers. Paris is like New York, full of unfriendly people who want you to get out of their way.

Big cities are like that. Small towns are populated by nicer people. A trait common in all countries. Well, I'll definitely say they're much politer. I will agree with that in smaller towns. But they also tend to be a little more fearful and a lot more racist and a lot more easier to sway into putting saran wrap around their outhouse because they believe that they're going to be the next victims of a terrorist attack.

Like logically, that works in their mind that the terrorist attack is going to be World Trade Center one, two, the Pentagon, and then your outhouse in the middle of fucking nowhere. Like that's the next logical military strategic target. Jesus Christ, is this podcast even funny anymore? Sometimes, sometimes I just lose myself in the sentences. Number three, French women shave. The only women in France who don't shave are the elderly Middle Eastern immigrants. Last time I went to France, I told my aunts that Americans don't think they shave and

they were very upset by this. When I went to camp, all the girls shaved at the beach, I went to the beach, they were all shaved. In fact, the French say Scandinavians don't shave. See, stereotypes about people in different lands exist everywhere. Wow, I think I learned something. Why the need to put down the women of foreign countries? Because it's funny, because that's what guys do.

We break balls and we say, your women are ugly, they're hairy, their vagina is a horizontal and they're not good ladies. And we got bigger dicks and we can fuck them better. It's basic shit talk. Page one, chapter one of talking shit about another country. And I don't know, I find all of this to be very condescending. You know, as you're sitting there saying stereotypes exist everywhere and I love how the French are getting offended by what we think of them while they think we're all illiterate fat

fucks going to a Carl's Jr. I mean, it goes both ways. And I'll tell you why we think that French women don't shave is because there was a pop song over here a long time ago called 99 Red Balloons. 99 Red Balloons, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yeah, that shit, right? And in the end of the video, she puts her arms up and had a hairy fucking armpit. And that was it.

And she was from Germany, but it didn't matter to us all. No European women shaved. That was it. It was over. And plus, when you look at your continent and realize that it's basically, for the most part, the meat of it, all right, the countries that we give a shit about is actually smaller than our entire country. Like your countries are the size of states over there.

So we figure if they're not shaving in Germany, why would they shave in fucking France? I mean, if people in Massachusetts are drunk morons, do you think that in Rhode Island they're reading? I don't know. Does that make any sense? I just feel like I'm coming up dumber and dumber with each fucking podcast. And you know what? There's something freeing about it.

Number four, older French men smell, not all the French. Back in the day, and I mean way back, people didn't wear deodorant. My grandmother does and all the other women. You know what I'm realizing? I think a lot of the French stereotypes came around World War I and World War II. You guys haven't needed us to come over there and fight a fucking battle. I'm joking. I understand that World War II was our payback for you guys helping us out in the Revolutionary

War. Was it the Revolutionary War or the French and Indian War? I can't fucking remember. I have no idea. I don't even remember anymore. They just all, I hated that part of history. Any sort of powdered wigs, anything pre-Cowboys and Indians I just could give a fuck about. And even then, that was very sketchy.

I liked reading about the younger brothers, Jesse and Frank James, Cole Younger. I liked reading about that shit. And I liked reading about adventures at sea. You know, pirate ships and that type of stuff. But anything with powdered wigs or those American presidents with the big bushy beards and no mustaches, it absolutely put me to sleep so I can't remember. So there's a stereotype for you. Not only do we not know about other countries, we don't even know about our own.

Number five, French girls are slutty. Well, I'll give you that one. But the French on a whole aren't as puritanical as Americans. Yeah, we're just all into getting STDs and see sex as a private means of pleasure that one shouldn't be too ashamed of. I think it's healthier than keep your legs closed because sex is evil, you whore view. I definitely think, yeah, we take it too far in this country. But last I saw the first AIDS patient caught it in France.

Oh, I pulled that one out of my ass. No pun intended. Right? Nia's looking at me that that's not true. The first guy who got it was over in France, was a flight attendant. Patient number one, ground zero. Isn't that right, Nia? Jesus.

You know, someday when I run for office, I think that's the one that's going to come back to haunt me. Anyways, you know, I was just fucking with you. They have Frenchy or former American person, whatever. Yeah, I don't give a shit. One of my dreams is to go to Paris. And I think that's going to be happening later on this year. Why you ask?

Well, I'll tell you why. If you go to billbird.com, you'll notice that all of a sudden, Mr. Fancy Pants here has a run of dates throughout Scandinavia in October. Go to billbird.com, B-U-R-R. Go to the left hand, in the left hand corner, you'll see all my dates. And scroll down to October. I am doing Helsinki, Oslo, Copenhagen, and Stockholm, Sweden. So I always get confused.

Oslo is Finland, Helsinki is Norway, Stockholm, Sweden, I've been there, Copenhagen, Denmark. How fucking awesome is that? So I'm tossing a one night in London before that. And at the end of that, I think I'm going to go to Paris. Why the fuck not, right? That is, if the American dollar doesn't collapse in August, and we're all in worker camps. Speaking of that shit, have you guys seen this stuff about all the suicides at the Apple plant?

You know that really cunty commercial where they go, you know, if you don't have an iPhone, then you don't have the iPhone. And I wanted to get an iPhone until I saw those goddamn commercials. And they kept, like, just, it's the most bizarre advertising. It makes me angry at the iPhone. I never had any anger towards the iPhone or the people who had one. I never gave a shit. I was like, that phone's the shit.

I heard it drops calls. I'll wait till it's on Verizon. And then right when it gets on Verizon, and I'm all ready to jump on board, they come up with this na na na na fucking cunty shit, going, you know, if you had an iPhone right now, you could be looking at the inside of your fucking throat and diagnosing your fucking throat cancer before it even happens. You know, but if you don't have the iPhone, you don't have the iPhone. It's like, well fuck you, I'm sticking with the droid.

So anyways, now I read they just had the 10th suicide at the Apple plant. Now who's kidding who? We all know that everything that we're wearing, everything that we're using is made by some four-year-old making six cents an hour somewhere. Well evidently, these people have had enough. They've had 10 suicides at the Apple plant. Here we go. And the same day that Apple, Dell, Hewlett Packard promised to look into working conditions

at China's Foxconn plant, a 10th worker committed suicide. The death of a 19-year-old male worker, ah, it's too bad, he was like one year away from getting his fucking severance pay, or his, ah, shit, I fucked it up. What the hell do you get it when you do 20 years on the force? Oh god, I'm sorry everybody, I'm on my fucking vacation mode. What the hell, I get my pension. What is that, when you work 20 years on the force? He's only 19, you get it?

Because he's been working since he was two? Oh Jesus. The death of a 19-year-old male worker also came just after the company's billionaire founder took the media on tour of the sprawling complex in response to accusations from labor groups that workers toiled in sweatshop-like conditions. Oh hilarious, so then the billionaire shows up, they clean the place up, stick in a water bubbler and go, see, it's great. And I know what a lot of you fucking heartless cunts are gonna say.

You're gonna say, well, sweatshop labor is necessary. Do you want to pay $8,000 for a laptop? So here's my rebuttal. You know what, if the cunt at the top didn't have to make $1 billion a year, you know? Kind of like when they were talking to the oil companies, they go, you're projected to make $350 billion. How about you just make $340 billion? Do you have to make that much money?

That's the thing, the people at the top are taking way too much fucking money. There's no fucking way that the only reasonable way to make a laptop is to give people such shitty wages that suicide is a better fucking option. And you do it at the fucking plant to make some sort of political statement. There's just no fucking way. How about the people at the top? You mean, once you got $100 million, do you ever need to get another paycheck? I don't understand that.

I don't understand that. And I'm not saying that the people at the top shouldn't be filthy, stinking rich because they came up with it, but you shouldn't be paying people. This shouldn't be sweatshops, everybody. That's all I'm saying. And what sucks is that we actually came up with unions in this country because of sweatshop like conditions. But what ended up happening was the people in the unions took advantage of it and with

their strength, they became a bunch of slothy douchebags to the point that there's a lot of people who actually have negative views about unions. That's how bad it is in this country. And they're actually excited that they're going to do away with unions. A lot of people want to do away with fucking unions rather than reform them. But to do away with them is we're going to end up like these poor bastards in fucking China, you know, sewing shit together and going, you know what, I think I'd rather jump out a fucking window than make another goddamn iPhone.

So anyways, it says the company has bought psychiatrists and Buddhist monks to the factory, to the factory complex to support workers and now plans, now plays soothing music along production lines. Why don't you just fucking pay them? It plans to install 10 foot tall fences to stop workers jumping from buildings and may give workers a 20% pay raise. This is how tight these fucking rich cunts are. Let's play soothing music and put a fence up.

We'll try that first rather than just giving them more money. What is it 20% pay raise when you make an eight cents an hour? And anyways, Foxconn representatives maintain that the increase would not be in response to the suicides, but is being considered because business has been good. Give me a fucking break. Did you hear that, Nia? The 10th suicide at one of those apple plants, the sweatshops, they're killing themselves over there.

So they decided to put up a 10 foot wall so they can't jump and they're playing soothing music and they're considering giving them a 20% pay raise. There you go. Yeah. Exactly. All right. Let's move on here. A lot of interesting great emails, by the way.

This week people sent me some really interesting stuff here and shit that I can actually help people out on here if I could just get to the goddamn thing. People put your feet up. Here's a little fucking commercial here. God damn you, you fucking whore. What the hell is it? All right. Some days I just really fucking hate myself and this is one of these fucking moments.

This guy sent me this great email asking if maybe it was under advice. Here it is. Here it is. This was a professional podcast. I would have fucking edited this part out. All right. Advice. Bill, this is going to sound a little gay, but I'm gay, so fuck you.

One of the great sentences ever written on this podcast. All right. I'm a 28-year-old guy whose hair is thinning. Oh, Jesus. I always told myself that I wouldn't be one of those guys who was obsessed over this and I just shave it off when it comes to it. But in recent years, I've gotten lots of compliments on my hair and I don't really ever hear any compliments about anything else regarding my appearance or my amazing personality.

I kind of hate to be just another dude with a shaved head walking around getting fatter. I'm considering taking medication for hair growth, but the side effects include everything from impotence to making the early stages of prostate cancer to masking the early stages of prostate cancer should it develop. What would you do? Do you risk impotence and potential cancer in order to keep the only thing about yourself that receives compliments from others? I've noticed you shaved your head in the past, but, well, I don't want to look like

that. No, I'm just fucking with you. Hey, maybe I should just work out and get ripped, then it wouldn't matter, right? Well, the thing about going to the gym is fuck that, thoughts. All right. Well, coming from another balding fucking male, I said the exact same things you said. You know, when I used to watch those commercials and then watching these people dumping shit on their heads, I'd be like, dude, just shave your fucking head.

People make fun of you for a week and then they use to it and then they eventually see pictures with you with hair and they go, dude, you look weird with hair. I like you better without it. And then I started losing my hair and I freaked the fuck out. I couldn't fucking believe it. You know, I was like that guy in the 48 hours, Gans, when he finally gets shot. I got shot. I can't believe I got hit.

Remember that? I was that guy. So I went out and I got the Rogaine and that shit. I dumped that shit on my head and I felt my heart rate increase. It has different effects on other people. I know another guy took it. He said, dude, I was taking a piss and chunks of something was in my urine. So I don't know.

I couldn't do it. I think I did it for a couple of months and at one point I just saw myself in the mirror dumping that shit on my head. I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Fuck this. You know, I can't do this shit. So I said, fuck it. And I stopped using it.

And then I just shaved my head and I said, fuck it. And I got to admit, having a shaved head is fucking awesome. But what ended up happening was I booked that movie date night and they go, we want you to grow your hair out a little bit. So I grew it out and then I started to book another shit. By the way, what I booked, I've been joking around. I got to set the record straight here because people are really starting to believe that I'm on Glee.

Yeah, I got to tell them because people are like twittering that I'm on Glee and they're going to miss the show. I'm not on Glee. I actually, I booked two episodes of my favorite show on fucking TV, Breaking Bad. And the only reason why I said that was because they're super top secret about their scripts. They don't want anybody to know anything. And I wasn't even sure if it was okay to say you even booked a role on it. I didn't know, I didn't know if they were that top secret about it.

So I just started joking around saying I was on Glee. And then I did the show a couple of times and they were like, no, no, it's fine. But I was so far down the road with that lie. So I just kept saying, so I am not on Glee. And shame on you people actually believed that I was flying to New Mexico to do an episode of Glee and that we were doing the Pee Wee Herman Mexican Hat Dance. Really? Really?

You really fell for that one? But anyways, yeah, so I grew my hair back out. But I'm still not using anything and I'm starting to get the fryer tuck thing in the back of my head. But once you shave your head, you don't give a shit about going bald. You just kind of keep it short. And if I was you, fucking gay dude, you got to do it. Shave your head because you're trying to attract other guys.

And guys were superficial assholes and we were 100% about looks. I think if you shave your head, that says a lot about you. You got confidence. You're not trying to hide anything and you deal with the shit in your life. You don't try to hide it and stick some magic goop on top of your head. Not to mention, I think they're going to cure it one day. You know, when I'm in my 80s and you're in like your 70s or some shit, they're going to cure it.

We'll just pop a pill and have a full headed jet black fucking hair. And we won't have the fucking ass cancer. So that's what I would say. Shave your head and go to the gym and get shredded as far as your attitude towards the gym. If you don't want to go to the gym and you're just going to become a fat fuck, it's not going to matter. I don't even think you're going to live long enough to even go bald.

All right? So go to the, shave your head, go to the fucking gym. I'm telling you, having a shaved head is the shit and I really want to fucking do it again. And I will in the future at some point, I'm just going to be, I'm going to have to, nature's gradually doing it for me. So dude, you should try it. You never had a shaved head. It's fucking awesome.

It's awesome. You just wake up. You're ready to go. You're fucking ready to go. And who gives a fuck, right? Think about it. Don't you think if you were going to be Brad Pitt and what had happened by now, what are you really worried about?

Are you worried that you're ranking on the world, people magazines, 50 most beautiful people is now in jeopardy that you're not going to make it? Have you ever made it before? You know? I like these jokes with you because you kind of seem like you have low self esteem. All right? You know what your problem is, dude? I think that you're a little shy and you're sitting around eating cupcakes and feathering

your fucking hair. All right? You need to start eating more protein and some vegetables, go to the fucking gym and shave your head. Bam! Gav will hit the fucking next case. Next case. That's it.

It's over. All right. Moving on. I asked people last week about coaching. Talking about crazy stories with coaches and that type of thing and I had a crazy coach and I can't even fucking tell you the shit this guy did just because people I know from my childhood listen to this thing. So I really have to fucking watch it sometimes.

So all right, here's one. I don't know what I did with the email. I'm going to paraphrase. I just remembered. This guy said he was playing on a baseball team. He was like in the fifth grade I think and he was the kid who played right field. He wasn't good or whatever. So they're playing the game that's before the game.

That's before the game for the championship. So I guess they're in the fucking semis and there's a guy on second and they're down by a run and they're getting down to the final inning and he's coming up to bat and he sucks. So he's already nervous and he said his coach went up, grabbed him by the arm and looked him in the face and said, hey, if you don't get a hit, I'm going to punch you right in the face. And he said at first he laughed because he thought the coach was joking trying to break the tension and then he realized that the dude was serious and he just sort of walked

up to the plate and he was standing up there shitting his pants and he looked back to his coach and his coach is staring right at him like I'm going to punch you in the fucking face if you don't get a fucking hit. So this kid throws the bat out there and he somehow slaps a fucking Derek Jeter's opposite field single, drives in the run, said at the end of the inning, he went back to the bench. He said the coach never said anything to him, never addressed it again and he says he's hated that son of a bitch from to this day. So he said his question was, what is this guy?

Is he a good motivator? Is he a horrific human being? I mean, this is the thing. It's because you got a hit. I think that's a weird one. That one is, that guy is both right and wrong. He's wrong for taking the game so seriously and injecting that sort of reality into your childhood, which I think kids should get a dose of reality in their childhood, but I

think it should come from the parents, or at least the parents should be supporting another adult. Like say you fuck up in school, when your parents go there, old school parents would go to school and whatever the teacher said you were doing, the parent would then look at the kid and be like, yeah, why the fuck are you doing that? But something like this, I don't know. He did motivate you. He did let you know what the real world is like.

He basically gave you in a nutshell. Yeah, in life. You know, when society needs you to produce, if you don't produce, it kicks you in the balls and you don't get the position, you don't get a fucking raise or whatever the fuck it is. I'm trying to say, God damn it, I can't talk this fucking week. You know what I'm saying. Here's another story from coaching.

Bill loved the podcast, but I'm a coach. I coach a team ages nine to 10 and I'm the assistant for a AU travel team. Is that ninth to 10th grade? The traveling? There's got to be that. The travel team's coach and my son are on my nine to 10 team. That's got to be nine to 10 years old. And they travel?

Are they Vietnamese? I didn't know they let American kids do that. Both are very good players and are two of the four best players on my team. I have three slots for the all-star team. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. So you're the coach. You got two kids on your team and they're two out of the four best players on my team.

I have three slots for the all-star team. All right. So two slots are taken and now it's down to my son and the travel's coach's son. Well, why did you give away those first two slots? I guess if those kids were better than your son and your buddy's kid. Okay. So his son is hitting 600, plays third, third base, shortstop and second and has pitched five good innings in six games.

He has only fielded about six balls, but that's not his fault. My son is hitting 612. Hey, you know what? Podcast listeners, I want you guys to vote for this. Like this is the MLB. All right. So the first guy's kid's hitting 600. He's played third, short and second.

He's pitched five good innings in six games and he's fielded only about six balls, but that's not his fault because he can't control who hits it to him. His son is hitting 612. He has caught every innings except the three innings he pitched. He's thrown out eight people in six games and in four of the five games we won, the other teams catcher sucked and we just stole our way around the bases even without pass balls. We have not had a player thrown out stealing.

Well, this has to do with the rest of your team. The game we lost, their pitchers shut us down. In short, in the six games, he has hands down the best catcher I've seen. The travel coach's son has a little higher level fielding, but I feel my son had a bigger impact on our team. Batting is a push. Oh, because he's 600. He's 612.

Who do I pick for the All-Star team? Ah, fuck. All right, dude. If you weren't related to your kid, you got to pick your kid. He's batting 12 points higher and he's gunning down the other team's runners. You know? So after the pitcher fucks up, he's correcting the pitcher's fuck up while not fucking up himself and hitting 612.

But it's your son. Ah, Jesus. Well, I mean, you can give it to your son. I think he's worthy of it, but you know, you're going to jeopardize your friendship with the pitcher. If you're fine with that, I give it to your kid. But you know, if you want to teach your kid a little bit of something about being humble and about handling a position of power properly, I give it to the friend.

I think that that's what I do, but I would sit down and I would have a talk with your son and try to explain that the position of power that you're in and how it would look. Ah, Jesus Christ. This sounds like a McDonald's commercial, doesn't it? You know, it's back in the day when they'd sing some sad song and the kid wouldn't get it at first, then you buy him some French fries and a fucking vanilla shake. You know, it's times like these. I'm glad I'm not a parent, dude.

Wow. That's a tough one. That is a tough one. All right. Well, I got time for one last one here. Hey, Bill, I'm a 27-year-old graphic web designer and I've been unemployed for a few months now. The job I had a few months back was a web development job at a company I thought was awesome before

I worked there, but turned out to be a really shady place that had a really bad history of having high turnover with their employees. In any case, I've been living back with my parents now for two years because I lost the job back then and had just enough money saved up to live out the 13-month lease that I had signed on my previous apartment. Ever since, I've been struggling to find work, like I'm sure a lot of people are. However, almost all of my friends have jobs or have been able to find jobs fairly easily when they didn't have one.

I attribute this mainly to the fact that they mostly have jobs, not careers, like I've been trying to build over the last half a decade or so. But with it being so hard to find a job, I'm wondering if I should take up a new career. I love graphic and web design and I'm damn good at it, too. I've even been looking for jobs out in California area because Florida sucks and I'm not a fan of 100-degree weather with tons of humidity. But it's been more difficult to find work out there because most places won't even consider me since I'm not living out there yet.

I have no money to just up and move without any concrete employment on the line. What should I do? All right. Yeah, dude, you're getting your stories right now. Every successful man has his stories about sleeping on a futon, eating fucking eggo waffles. Those are the years you're in. So what I would do is I would get a job, get a fucking job, anything you got to do, get a fucking job, get some money coming in and then save up your money.

During the day, that's your day job, just like I had. I had a day job working in a warehouse and at night, I did comedy for free. At night, you come home, you do your graphic designing for free. Get a job where you meet other people. Maybe the company needs some sort of graphic designing. You can offer up your services, you know, and then you can add that to your resume. And then there's other people, maybe have side businesses. I'd get a business card.

I'd put that up all around town. Cheap graphic designing. Just happy to be here. Graphic and web designing. That's what I would do. I'd get that business going. And while I kept working my day job and eventually you will have enough fucking money, your graphic design will be making enough fucking money where you can either move out to California

or fuck California, run your own goddamn business. All right. I'd say what your problem is is you're being too damn picky. All right. You got to do whatever you got to do. Fake it till you make it right now. And I'm basing that on the fact that you stuck with looking for a career rather than a job. That's a good thing.

Sometimes I can shoot you in the foot and also how you want to leave Florida because you don't like the weather. All right. Right now is not the time to be a diva. Deal with the fucking humidity. Bust your fucking ass. All right. Don't get into a relationship with some woman.

You don't need it right now. What you need to do is to rub one out in the morning. Go to that fucking job. No. And as you're at the job, try to network with people if you're fucking. I'm just going to say everything that I just said. Just do all that shit. Bust your fucking ass and you'll get there and you have all these great stories.

All right. You get a good looking broad at the end of it because God knows they like money. All right. That's the. That's the podcast for this week. Everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. I got another couple of days up here.

I'm going to enjoy my fucking vacation going to go jet skiing. I'm going to have some stories about that and I'm going to bring my bare mace on another hike today. I hope you guys all have a good week and let's go Bruins. I'm looking for them to turn it around. No disrespect to the Vancouver Canucks. They got a beast of a fucking team. I just don't think there's anybody tough on your team, which is evident when you're going

around biting people's fingers like fucking a goddamn toddler who just got his fucking toy taken away from him. All right. That's the podcast for this week. I'll talk to you later. Go fuck yourselves. All right. All right.

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