Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-7-18

Episode Date: June 8, 2018

Bill rambles about his performance at Royal Albert Hall.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? Just checking in on you. How's your Thursday afternoon going? Oh, Billy, Billy Baloo. He left Ireland. He left Dublin for fuck's sakes and now I'm in London. I flew into Afro. Yeah. The typical Heathrow experience. I just don't fucking understand what the problem is with that goddamn airport. I hate that fucking airport. I love it because I'm going to London, but I hate it when I get there. I was flying from Dublin to London, which is like flying from fucking LA to San Francisco, essentially nice, easy flight. You're on Southwest. They're doing standup.

You're waiting for it to be over. And by the time they finished their routine, they're already landing and they've begun where they're we're now landing routine where they imitate fucking C3PO and fucking Darth Vader or whatever it is that those people are trying to do over there. Anyways, I guess they feel like there's a lot of nervous flyers over there and for some reason bad standup comedy is the thing. I guess then you're not afraid to die because you're like, well, at least if the plane crashes, I don't have to hear the end of this routine. Oh, Bill, that's no way to, it's Thursday, man. It's supposed to be a happy event here. Anyways, I'm flying from Dublin into Afro and everything goes great. Take off on time, land a

little bit early, gate is ready, you know, but I did the unforgivable. I checked a bag, which I never do. I didn't want to do on this trip, but you know, my wife talked me into it, which I'm actually glad she did once I get the bag and I unpack and actually have some of my stuff. You know, I have some options for different outfits. Sorry. Everything goes great. And then, you know, I get off the plane, I'm standing there, I get the information. Oh, I don't have to go through customs because I was already fucking in Dublin or whatever, which I didn't think was part of the whole Great Britain fucking reach. I would think if I was in Northern Ireland, if I flew from Belfast to London, they'd be like, all right, I was in the Republic of Ireland. You know, I was,

they're not part of Great Britain, are they? Are they? Great Britain was England, Wales, Scotland, all along and Northern Ireland. Whatever. Maybe because I'm in the European Union. I don't know what the fuck it is. But then I thought they did the Brexit thing. But maybe that hasn't happened yet. I don't know. All I know is I haven't gone through. I didn't have to go through customs. So I was sacked. And I go down to the fucking stupid carousel thing, whatever the baggage claim. And it's already turned on. I'm like, you fucking kidding me? And I see three bags come out, and there's a little space, little space, little space, and I see two bags coming out. I'm like, holy shit, they're already unloading it. So I stand there for a good five minutes. And it's just those three

bags, little space, little space, little space, then the two bags. And then I start recognizing the bags, oh, these are just bags that were sitting here. You know, five people didn't make it, were sold into human trafficking, and they haven't claimed their bags. I don't know what the fuck happened, right? Or they went ahead of their flight or their bags got on and they didn't, who the fuck knows. So now we're staying there. 10 minutes goes by 15 minutes goes by 20 minutes goes by the belts on the same fucking three bags, a little bit of space, a little bit of space, a little bit of fucking two bags. And I'm just like, you know, this is just every fucking, I understand that for like 50 fucking minutes. Wait for my fucking bag. It's just like that fucking

airport. It just breaks your goddamn spirit. Because every fucking time it's a different fuck over. So you never see it coming. If that always happened, I would be like, Okay, here's the deal, I'm not checking a bag. Or if I checked the bag, it'd be like just settle in. Because you know, it's going to be 50 minutes. All right, go sit down, get yourself some bangers and mash, whatever the fuck it is, these people lead over here, and you know, show up 45 minutes later, and pick up your fucking bag. What killed me is how everybody else just accepted it. And I was the only person standing there going, What the fuck is wrong with this airport? What are they got three fucking baggage handlers? Then what killed me is when they finally started unloading the

bags, they unload like five of them. And then you see people on your flight grabbing them. And then there's no more bags for like 10 minutes. It's like, What the fuck happened? The guy doing it just just have a fucking stroke. There's nobody back there to help him. You get like concerned. Oh, I wasn't concerned. I was selfish. All I gave a shit was about was my bag. So anyways, I get my fucking bag. And I make it over here to the hotel. And after the night before I was played the three arena in Dublin, one of my favorite shows, those fucking people are just, and it's like double specific to Dublin, they're like the best fucking hecklers. I don't even know how, but they made like 9 11 funny. Just in an absurd way. I was on stage and I was talking about like,

how much the country changed. You know, since 9 11, I said 9 11, somebody in the crowd went, woo. You know, and they might have been an American agreeing like, woo, yeah. You know, the country did really change after that. Just kind of an obvious statement now that I'm repeating it. But the way they did it, it made it seem like they were cheering on 9 11. So I rift about that. I said, Oh, yeah, you excited about tragedies? Oh, yeah, I, you know, I've always hated skyscrapers. I just said something like that. It made everybody laugh. So then I started the joke again. And I go, you know, ever since 9 11, and then the whole crowd goes, woo. Just to be dicks. You know, so that I roll with it. And I just start, start every fucking joke now with some American tragedy.

As yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, I believe that was around Pearl Harbor, and then they all go, woo. It was so fucking childish and stupid, right? So after like the third one, I said, I got, you know what, Ireland, I really wish I knew about your fucking tragedies. All right, but I'm an American, I don't have time to care about other countries. And it was just like this little fucking stupid inside back and forth thing that will never happen at another show. And I don't know, it was just the classic, classic, I don't know, Dublin crowd. I had such a fucking great I came. It's just such a fucking great city. So then I go over last night to do Royal Albert Hall. And I don't even know how to describe it.

Like, I still feel like it was like I dreamed it. Like it didn't really went by so goddamn fast. And when you walk in there, if you're a fan of Led Zeppelin, that place essentially looks the exact same as it did when you watch, you know, that concert footage. For my money, the best concert footage of Led Zeppelin that exists, just the way it looks, the way it's shot that film. I tried to do a standup special to make it look like that. You just can't do it. It's just of that. I guess you'd have to film it. But I just walked right out was like, John Bonham's fucking that that maple kit he had was right fucking here. It was crazy. And I remember when when I got announced to go out, I can't remember if it was that concert or not. There's one where Robert Plant walks off stage

and grabs a joint smokes it and holds it up to the camera. Like that's what I thought was such a fucking who's the weirdest experience walking out because I felt like I'd been there already, just because I've watched that concert film so many times. And no, I didn't get a chance to play drums because I did the show in Dublin the night before, which I had to do because, you know, I had to make sure I did one show in Europe, you know, if there's always that just a little bit of a different vibe. So I had, you know, that was more important, you know, to have a good show than, you know, go there and hack away at the drums for like an hour. But believe me, I definitely got my money's worth the crowd was fucking amazing. And I just had this whole weird feeling the entire

time I was up there, like, why am I so relaxed with the combination of holy shit, I'm in Royal Albert Hall. And then, you know, actually fucked up a couple of jokes because I was looking at the architecture. I can't fucking believe I'm here. My parents came out, my wife came out for the show. My manager and agent came out, and it was just awesome. It was like everybody, you know, I can't if you ever get a chance to come over here and see anything there. It really is just one of those places. And I put some photos up on Instagram. And yeah, that's it. And now now Billy boy is on vacation. I think I did like an hour and 15 minutes in the show. And I was sitting there going, I forgot to look at my watch. And I was like, I

can't tell if I've been up here for an hour and a half, 40 minutes, a half hour, or a little over an hour. Because I don't know. I don't think since Carnegie Hall, there's been a couple of places that you play and you just like, I shouldn't be here. That's what you're thinking. Just looking at how beautiful it is. And then seeing like when you walk to the dressing room, you can't help but look at the photos. And I'm looking like everyone from Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, Frank Sinatra. In like 1963, evidently, the fucking Beatles and the Rolling Stones play there on the same bill. You know, and then I'm walking out there going like, Hey, you know, what the fuck's up with chairs? And you just, you know, your act just just shrinks down. It was kind of the thing you had to like

fight off. But my agent asked me like after the show, he goes, So what venue do you want to play next here in London? I was like, this one, you know, where the fuck do you go from here? And they're all like, Well, you know, it's like booked three years out. I'm like, I don't give a shit. I don't care, you know, unbelievable. So thank you so much to everybody, you know, who came out to the show. And afterwards I was able to, you know, run out there and say hello to some people, sign some posters. And I appreciate the people that hung out and were patient because like I said, I had a lot of family and friends back there. You know, it was sort of my pre birthday celebration. They had a cake and shit like that. So I had to do that. And I ran out there. So if

you got tired of waiting for me, you left, I apologize. But for the record, I did come out. And the people there were just like ridiculously nice. And you know, those all these people had like I had like three people from Poland going, you got to do a show in Poland. Somebody from Romania, somebody from Jordan. When I was in Dublin, I did a show. There was this dude from Hong Kong told me he flew in because he saw a clip of me on Conan O'Brien. How fucking crazy is the internet that some guy in Hong Kong watching clips of the Conan O'Brien show and then he sees me as a guest. Conan makes me look good as always. And now he wants to come to my show. He goes, I got tickets for the Dublin show and the London show. And he was there by

himself. It was just like, all right, this guy's either going to stab me or this is one of the coolest people I've ever met in my life. Fortunately, it was the latter. So anyways, now I'm on vacation. I'm on vacation. Do you guys realize the next part? This is my last podcast in my 40s, man. Oh, fucking Billy over the hill. I'm turning fucking 50 on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Actually feel good. You know, I'm not going to feel any fucking different. I don't think between now and Sunday, other than when somebody says, how old are you? I don't say four. I say now 50. That's it. Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy Rednuts is 50 fucking years old. Who would have ever thunk it? So anyway, so then we ended up hanging out. We went out to a bar afterwards, only had a

couple of drinks, smoked an unbelievable cigar. And then there was like this little casino thing that we went to. Me, my manager, my agent, and my lovely wife ordered some dim sum at like fucking two in the morning. We watched Game 4, the NBA Finals, which was a great game once again, but it's just Golden State has too many fucking too many people, man. It's like, I don't know. I guess it's genius that the NBA lets these teams become what they are, I guess with all the fucking everybody piling on, because then guys like me, I just watch rooting against that team. But you know, it's kind of boring though. You know, the last two years, the NBA kind of knowing at the beginning of the season, well, yeah, obviously, these guys are going to win it. And then they do. I mean,

it's not even like, I don't know. Remember that year? Remember that? You know what I couldn't get into? I couldn't get into the dream team when we went to the Olympics and they were dunking on Ethiopians and shit. It was just like, this is like, this is it was the most boring fucking, and they always talk about that team. Like that was the greatest assemblage of talent in basketball history yet going up against probably the weakest. I would rather watch the globetrotters play the fucking Washington generals. They watch the dream team play fucking Rwanda or whatever the hell we were doing that year. You know what I mean? But what was good about that was they so kicked the shit out of everybody that since then, you know,

Europe like raised the bar the way they play now. And now some of the best players in the league are from Europe, which was unheard of when I was growing up. So I guess, I don't know, something good will come out of this golden state warrior team that they'll just be, I don't know, all the stars will be on two teams. They should just take the all star team in the east and the west, right? And just just have that be the league, right? Or at least just have them go to the NBA finals, then you just get what to watch everybody try as opposed to the all star game when nobody pays any defense. I don't fucking know. So anyways, that's it, man. I did Royal Albert Hall.

I'm part of the history. Oh, freckles is part of that. I can't fucking believe it. Can't believe it. I was saying that to somebody I said, you believe fucking 26 years ago, you signed up for a stupid fucking open mic and it leads to this. Never, never in my wildest dreams where I ever think I would ever sell one ticket in London, you know, or any place in Europe, forget about getting to play that place. So that one, you know, there's ones that stay with you. That's definitely one. You know, the 9-11 show, that will stay with me. The absurdity of that. The Vickers Street one that I did, Dublin. I had a great one in Oslo.

My first really good show in Europe. These are all of the European ones that stick up. Germany was fun when I was teasing about Hitler. I've had so much fucking fun over here. I just got to figure out how to do these dates now that I got the kiddo, but everybody's over here, by the way. My lovely daughter is here. She's such a riot. She woke up this morning like, you know, I stayed out late, right? So obviously, she, you know, Nia gets her up and everything. She puts her in the bed. She's next to me. Now I have my eyes closed. And then she just, I just, she looks over me, she just goes, hi. I start cracking up and then she laughs. And that's just the greatest way ever to start the day.

Nia, how much fun was last night? What are we doing today? We're going to go get some bangers and mash and mushy peas. Yeah. Oh, okay. You look beautiful, Nini. I like your dress. So what we're going to do today, hey, if anybody lives in here, lives around London, if you know a place where they have good food, please text me. The dim sum actually was great last night, but I don't know. We've been kind of striking out here. I know there has to be good food here. There has to be. Okay. Everybody has the food network. There has to be some food in London that's actually seasoned correctly. I don't understand. I just don't get it. You know, I mean, they got salt and pepper, but after that, it just goes off the rails.

That fucking guy that the hell's kitchen guys from here, people from here can cook. Where the fuck are they? Gordon Ramsay? Does he got a reason? Well, I don't know if I want to go to his restaurant, because you know those celebrity chefs, they they loan their name to something. It's hit or miss. Some of them are involved. Other rooms just like how much? Yeah, I don't give a shit. Put my fucking name on it. Anyways, so tonight I'm going to try to find a place where I can watch potentially the Washington capitals when their first Stanley Cup, they've been in the league since 1974. God bless them. They're 45th season. I really want to see a bet you can get a cup. You know, I don't know. But also, you know, then the other side is if Vegas comes back,

you know, and every Washington capital fan just fucking hung their head. Because they know if anybody could blow a fucking three one lead, but I just think this capital team is different. I'm not trying to jinx them or anything like that. I'm just going to fucking, you know, I'm not in that stupid sports jinx shit. Okay. This fucking team like, you know, the coaching that's going on here, you know, they saw who the Knights were and gave one and they said, Oh, is that how you play? Well, here's our adjustment to it. And God damn it. They've won the next three in a row. And I really hope I get to find a place where I can watch that game. Maybe I'll go back down to the casino again and watch it. But

oh man, that reminds me of this time I watched a Patriots game when I was in Australia at a fucking casino at like four in the morning, I think it was four in the morning, the next day. And I was watching sun. It was four in the morning on Monday in Australia. And I was watching Sunday afternoon football. Like a 14 hour, I think I was watching the one o'clock game or something. Like a 14 hour, is it a 14 hour difference? No, it's like that's how long the flight is. It's 14 hours. I can't fuck it. Remember, it's something ridiculous like that. So anyways, I don't even know if I have any fucking advertising. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. That's it. It's actually sunny out here in London. I was worried that it was going to be all fucking shitty weather. Oh, by the way, you know,

I ended up being like ridiculous traffic getting to the getting to the venue last night because they were building some new hotel called the Mandarin out here. And they had some massive fire, like half something like half the firefighters in in all of London where they're fighting the fucking thing. Thank God, like, you know, the hotel wasn't open yet. Although that wasn't what I was saying in my show. I was so upset about the fucking traffic. I was saying I was wishing it was full of people. Maybe there would have been less traffic on the road. Oh, Bill, why would you? Why? Why? Why would you say something like that? So that fucking burned down. It's probably an insurance job.

You know, I wonder, I wonder if I can actually look that up right now on my European internet, which is going to have all kinds of shit. Dude, they literally had an advertisement for fucking field hockey over here. It's like field hockey. Is that if that's a that's a sport? Like on TV sport, I know it's a sport. They got they just got some weird shit over here when it comes to the sport stuff, you know, let me guess, I'm not fucking signed in, right? Oh, you fucking so and so. Wifi. Enter your room number, enter your last name. You know, I went to that casino last night, they asked for my driver's license. They wanted to take like a fucking picture of me. I was in such a good mood. I let him do all of that. I'm like,

well, I guess I'm in your system now. They go, no, no, no, we don't we don't we don't keep it. It's like, yeah, you do. You're taking a fucking picture of me. Like, where does all of that go? You know, I just got a fucking phone call, a message from American Airlines saying that somebody got my frequent flyer number and might have been trying to see where I was flying and blah, blah, blah, and all of this bullshit. And it's just like, so we need you, you know, we need you to call us and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, what the fuck do I got to call you guys for? Why don't you guys fix your fucking weak ass system? This isn't on me. I love like when

like your information might have been compromised, you call them up and they tell you what you need to do. It's like, no, you know what you need to do? Stop putting everything up on fucking computers. Go back to fucking notebooks and pens. So fuck like the paper trail that you leave. It's really impossible now. That's what fucking kills me about that guy that almost went to jail. But he sat next to Larry David at the Dodgers game. It's like there was no record of that guy anywhere, paying for parking, getting a hot dog, his cell phone, they couldn't track it to the game. You know, he didn't go through some intersection where there was a camera with his Dodger hat on going into the fucking Carlitos way Canyon, wherever the fucking Dodgers play. Carlitos Canyon.

What the hell is it called? Chavez ravine? Huh? I don't know. Anyways, what the fuck was I looking up? Oh, London fire. So I'm going to do a bunch of touristy shit, I think today with my parents. Hopefully if they're up for it, you know. I don't think I've ever seen Buckingham Palace. I like that dude who just got married, by the way. I don't know. There's just something about his face. You can just see how much he's going to annoy the shit out of his wife accidentally. Come on, man. Can you fucking just for once internet? Can you work for me? London fire hotel. Safari can't verify the identity. Oh,

continue. I don't give a shit. My stuff's already been compromised. Log in. I did log in. Please select. Do you accept the terms that we're going to take all of your shit and then call you later and say somebody that we don't know got it. And they're now in the dark web looking at fucking kiddie porn. All right, you are logged in. Okay, wonderful. London. Last time I'm trying this everybody. London fire. Bill Burr burns it up last night at the fucking. Sorry. My ego just kicked in. The London fire brigade. No, that's not what I want. Fire brigade. That sounds like a fucking musical. Hotel fire. Fucking London. All right, here we go. What do we got here? Mandarin Oriental. Huge blaze. Oh, dude, look at that fucking thing.

Sorry, you need flash to play this enable it in your browser. Oh, go fuck yourself. Plumes of smoke. Hey, look who's here. Hi. Huh? How you doing, buddy? Oh, okay, cool. Okay, you, you got it. All right. Bye. All right, a total of 36 hotel guests and 250 members of the hotel staff were evacuated. Oh, there were fucking people in there. Singer Robbie Williams was among them.

I don't know who Robbie Williams is. It sounds like a teen idol, even if he's old. Or she, right? The blaze reach or they, the blaze reached several floors, but was quickly extinguished. Or those the London fire brigade said the London fire brigade, Nia. The fire brigade, not the firefighters, not the fucking hook and ladder. What if, why couldn't they never do the hook and lateral play anymore in the NFL? You ever wanted that? It always seemed to work back in the day. Huh? Are you going to watch the NHL hockey with me tonight? No. No, why not? You love sports. You just don't realize it yet. Oh, I'm looking for something I have to ask you about, but you're

in your podcast. Let me hit pause. All right. All right. Sorry about that. I'm just planning our damn day here. Billows and billows. Robbie Williams, 44, describes the drama. I went on the balcony and looked up and there was just billows and billows of smoke. I came back in from the balcony and said, the hotel's on fire. You know, this guy's a smart fucking smart guy. And then the hotel's on fire and there's a lot of smoke. But I mean, what else would you say? He really, he got the information out, the hotel's on fire. I probably would have came back in and would have been like, yeah, what the fucking date I would have, you know, added all these extra words. And then the next thing, a knock at the door

came and there was a bell boy there and they said, get out. I like this. This is very, who's that playwright that just has really fucking choppy dialogue like that? Or like when you watch Law and Order, you know, they have to get so much information in. They actually time your lines when you do an episode of that show. They don't care about emotion. They're just like, say it faster. All right, Williams and his wife, Ida Feld, 39, ran down an external fire escape to safety. Oh, there's a video. I don't need flash for that. Oh, man, that's a beautiful hotel. I thought it was under construction. Wait a minute. Wow. You know what? Billows and billows of smoke. Well, what started it? All right, can't emphasize enough how well the evacuation operation and

put together now being moved to a nearby hotel for safety. Well, who gives a fuck about you? Ah, you can't say that. This is how it is. Everything's about everybody now. All right. Hotels on fire, shaking my head. LOL. Fuck my life. YOLO. Here's a guy just wrote, hope you are okay, Anna. Subtext. I'd like to comfort you slash maybe turn into some sort of sexual activity. All right. I think that's a good place to end. All right. And there's a good friend set of mine out here in London says, I am now on vacation and I am going to laze about doing fuck all. And then that's it. And then I come back to LA and I'm going to get this fucking hour of shit whipped into shape and maybe do another special.

I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And this new landscape of 15 minute specials, hours specials. Who knows? I got to figure out what the fucking next move is so I can keep coming over here and having an unbelievable time. Sorry if this podcast wasn't funny. I'm still kind of floating from what happened last night. I still cannot believe I got to do that. It's just, yeah, no words, speechless. They actually have me sign the book, you know, and they like you to sign the guest book at Royal Albert after you did the gig. And once again, I can barely remember. I wrote something like that, just speechless. You know, I don't know what I didn't want to say. So I just said thanks.

Thanks for letting a fucking whole shit and dick jokes over here. Spent an hour and 15 minutes on that stage. Can't fucking believe it. Unbelievable. All right, that's it. Enjoy the music. And I'll talk to you when I'm in my 50s. Oh, Jesus. All right, here's a couple of advertisements here. Express VPN. You know, with all the news lately about data hacks and breaches, data hacks and breaches, sorry. It's hard for me not to worry about my digital privacy. Well, there's an understatement. No matter what you do online, your mobile carrier internet service provide are tracking it all. Bastards, Comcast, Verizon, Time Warner, the list goes on. These nosy bastards are trying to figure out what you're doing. Companies like these have a record of every single thing you do,

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burr think it's not me. What a week. I got to tell you something right now. I did a show in Dublin, Ireland and all the crowds were great. But I got to tell you those fucking people in Ireland are the funniest that I can't even explain. I swear it was something about like when I go through Great Britain and Ireland, it's like Scotland and Ireland. They like the knuckleheads that I grew up with. And when I go to London, London is like was kind of like all the people that I met when I went to New York that were from

Boston. So they did move away from where they were from, but they still brought that thing with them because people in London are hilarious. But I was doing a show Dublin on Monday night at the Vicker Street Theatre or something, just this awesome venue. And anyway, so it was on a Monday night. And it's a really hard night to try and sell tickets. And these people showed up and forced. And I can't even tell you how they they were fucking hilarious. Like I was on stage. And there was this thing I was talking about about people hugging their kids. And now that could is a good thing. But if you do it too much, you could potentially make a weaker. So I mentioned and all I've been telling this story for like six to eight months. And I've been saying how

that, you know, my mother wasn't a hug hugger and didn't hug us when we were kids. And people just listen. And it's just a small detail that leads to this other part that I want to talk about. So I've said that line. Uneventfully, that's even a fucking word with no no issue whatsoever. For like six months. Now I'm in fucking Ireland. And I just throw that line out there like I'm not even thinking about it and say, yeah, I said, you know, my mother didn't hug me when I was a kid. And I'm getting ready to say the next sentence. And like 15% of the crowd goes, oh, I'm not even doing it the way they did it. Just collectively broke my ball. It was just such the classic fucking. It was like that Boston Irish thing

that I grew up with distilled to its purest form with actually real Irish people where you almost have to be that a fucking understand what was behind it. It was like, I opened the emotional door just to crack. And automatically it's just they just bust your balls about it. Like, ah, you fucking, you know, like, you think they think we got hugs. You're freckled. Can't shut the fuck up and tell the joke. I can't even it just I've been trying to I would try to explain it to Nia. She laughed, but it's still you kind of had to be there. And then, you know, so I laughed like, I'm not fucking trying to get your sympathy. I'm trying to get to this next part you assholes and the whole crowd fucking laughs.

Is there when I was growing up, you know, my mother never hugged us. We didn't come from a family like that. You know what I mean? And no, no, no, no, no, I'm not saying that. This island of no hugs. I have your blood in me. So don't fucking look at that. That's totally what that was. My mom's did not get to see that you fucking. What are you bitching about you pussy? For the love of God, let me get through it. All right. Do you have any fucking countries? I've said that in and nobody says shit. And then you come to the island and go, Oh, the little baby. Oh, give him an extra month to cry in and then we'll have a drink over here. You fucking goddamn Mary. Yeah. So I guess you still have bullying and it continues on.

And then like a half hour later, what I had done when I was over there was I bought a bunch of DVDs with me. Like just the basically the DVD itself of this little paper thing. I was just handing them out to people because I'm trying to get them to show other people, you know, when I'm out there so I can keep coming back basically trying to get them to spread the word in my comedy. And then someone's just like, Well, why don't you just put it on Spotify, you dumb fucking. I'm like, because I'm old. All right. I feel like I have to bring the hard copy. So I tell these assholes that I'm giving them free DVDs at the end of the show. And I'm halfway through that spiel telling them that they're getting a free DVD. All right.

And I'm in the middle of it. And I hear this guy in the back that kind goes, Oh, fuck off. I don't even think I didn't even explain what I was doing. I don't know if I had gotten to the part where they were free. I don't know what the fuck or was the fact that I was trying to once again go to a nice place where, Hey, you know, I really appreciate you guys coming out. This really means a lot to me. And I want to keep coming back here because I think you got a great country or whatever. And I just just opened in the door that much. Oh, fuck off. So I finally just looked and I went, Jesus Christ, they're already laughing. I was like, you know what? I've played in 20, almost 22 years as a comedian. I have played

in front of some miserable motherfuckers, but you guys, and they were already laughing, are the most miserable fucking cunts I've ever been. And they loved it. Absolutely loved it. It killed me that I couldn't go out drinking with the crowd because I had to fucking go had an early flight, of course, all the way over to Helsinki. Go to leave tonight. Like I did. I brought a bunch of DVDs and everything that complimentary for you guys coming out. You said fuck off, you don't want them. Please, Christ, we don't have to take one. Dude, I gotta tell you, I've been to some miserable fucking places. This is one of the most miserable, not all of you. Not all of you. You guys are fucking miserable. Like just,

hey, I got some DVDs that complimentary, fuck off. Dude, you just, you sounded like I drove into the back of your car and I'm like, hey, you want like a D, fuck off, fix my fucking car first. I haven't given you a goddamn show. Fuck it off. Jesus Christ. Another guy. Not hugged. Right? Not hugged. I did the Kilkenny Festival in Kilkenny, Ireland. And that one, I don't remember mayonnaise on fries as much as I remember how many pints of Guinness I drank and this great laugh that I had with Dom Irerra. Me and Dom were like, we were just like, we were like Cliff and Norm at Cheers and just walking around that city and everybody else would go to bed and we would still be like

carousing, right? So one night we're walking up. It's like fucking probably two in the morning on like a Sunday night. So you know, sleepy town, everybody's asleep. We're walking up these cobblestones in the fucking moonlight, all right? Like werewolves in London shit. It had rained so the like the moonlight was glistening and we're walking up and it's fucking quiet as hell and we're drunk and we're laughing, but trying not to, you know, wait for somebody to throw up in the shutters like, right? And we're walking up the thing and we're trying to find a bar that's still open. And all of a sudden we just heard these, you know, these Irish singers. Okay. What time was this? This was like two in the morning on a Sunday night. So we just

start following the sound of them singing, come up these cobblestones. And then it sounds like the beginning of a great movie, right? Came up and we come down. We see the light on this bar and we come walking in. By the time we get in, you know, this guy was singing with two other people and they had gone up to the bar. So it was only one guy singing when we came walking in and we come walking in and it's just a bunch of townies sitting there, way more seats than people, a little empty, but a small place. And this guy's on stage just singing, I got myself a shady, shady, tidy, who's singing this fucking thing, right? And we're taking the bar and we look and there's this guy sitting right in front of the stage

and dude, he was passed out at a level. You'd never get this drunk in an American bar. They'd send you home. Dude, this guy, he looks, this guy was completely passed. I don't know if you had one arm was slung over the back of the chair and then his head was just hanging straight down when you stood behind him. You couldn't see his head. You just saw it like his, his neck. He was just sitting there hanging there. It looked like he had gotten shot and we walked in and nobody was really talking and this guy's slumped over and all we hear is it and everybody turns around and looks at us and meanwhile that guy's in the background going, green alligator and a goose or whatever. And we fucking look at each other and it was like one of those things where

we, now we can't leave. So we walk, we walk up to the bar and they asked, you know, really thick Irish bro, what we wanted, ordered a couple of Guinness's and I'm sitting there trying to hold it the other because I know I can't look at Dom and I'm hearing Dom starting to laugh and this guy's still singing and Dom starts, Dom starts riffing, he starts riffing lyrics to what this guy's singing and he's just in my ear going, I got myself a poté tea and he's doing this thing. And dude, we started, we started fucking laughing and we couldn't stop like two schoolgirls and the whole thing was what was keeping it going was if there's tension like in high school or middle school when the teacher goes, the next person who laughs gets fucking detention like that tension

makes you, you can't stop fucking laughing. So we knew they were looking at us and I'm getting nervous like they think we're laughing at their country and all this. So I'm trying to be polite and not laugh and all it just, it just dude, it was this fucking wave of laughing. I remember, I've never seen Dom like I was looking him, he literally like his mouth was open and he had tears and then what was cracking me up was it looked like almost like he was crying and that what that guy was singing was making him cry. So then there was another wave of laughs. Oh my, and the guy's just slouched over and the whole time and then like the bartender would look at me like what the fuck are you laughing at and I would look over, look away and all I could look at was this guy

slumped over as this guy on stage and he was singing, he had his eyebrows up and he was hitting these fucking high notes and it was, it was torture, but it was a great laugh, but it was, that whole thing probably took all of four minutes, but like my stomach was fucking killing me. Oh my God, I would have loved to see that. I would have loved to see that. Somewhere in those adventures, I picked up mayonnaise. Oh, that's a great story. That's fucking great. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Verne. It's the Monday morning podcast. For June 7th, 2010. How the hell are you? What's going on? Are you better? Jesus Christ, I can't get away from that fucking oil spill. You know, try to go out to a bar,

you try to drink your troubles away and every time I look up to some fucking greasy bird getting picked up by a scientist. You know, I like how when, you know, when they pick up the bird, they still have to make sure that the bird doesn't like fucking bite the shit out of them. Stu was picking up a pelican. You know, and he's got his, he's got his, his gardener glove and he's holding the beak shut. He's fucking stupid animals. It's like, dude, I'm trying to help you. You know, can't help you if you don't want help. You know, you dumb fuck. Look at me. I wanted to eat you. Would I be gingerly picking you up? Why are you trying to bite me? That shit you're covered in is oil. All right, you dumb fuck. If you weren't such a stupid bird,

you'd understand the gas combustion engine. You know, anyways, whatever. Blame the victim here. It's fucking not real, man. Can they just cap that shit? All right. You know, how dumb am I? Dude, can they, can they just, can't they just put a top on it? You know, for the first time, I actually looked at the spill. There's certain things that I just can't watch. The second I heard what was going on down there, it's like, I'm not going to watch that shit because I have absolutely no power to, to stop it. All I can do is just sit there watching it going, fuck. You know, whatever, what are you going to do? What are you, what the fuck, how the fuck do you stop it? What's the deal with the oil spill? I'm kind of handicapped this week,

people, as I had a crazy fucking weekend and my brood is still sleeping in the other room. So this is going to be one of those medium energy podcasts. Oh, fuck you. All right, fuck you, whoever just sighed, whoever just rolled your fucking eyes, right? You don't have a medium energy day where you don't put in the fucking effort. You know, like what's his face that power forward for the fucking Lakers, who's full of gummy bears and every other fucking game is sugar crashes and he's not worth a shit. I always think his name is not Lamar Odom. I always think it's Riley Odom, who I believe was a guy who played for the fucking Broncos. Riley Odoms in the 70s. What was it, Haven Moses? I don't know. I don't know where these names come through,

but I'm sick of, you know, everybody fucking talking about the goddamn oil spill. You know, acting like human beings are the fucking worst, but down there, we're trying to help these filthy animals and in the effort to help them, they're still attacking us. You know, it's like, dude, I can't help you. You know, you have to want help. Okay, you got it. You got to want to change. You got to want to come out of the muck, dude. All right. I got to fucking pull you out of this sludge and cover your mouth at the same fucking time. What was this? Some sort of jujitsu? Some animal jujitsu? Oh, Jesus. Morning, sweetheart. Always with that little, yeah. Okay. You know, some days when your significant other walks by you,

you just know this is one of these days, you know, those couple of points that I want to make in the relationship. I'll wait till tomorrow to try to make those points. Wow. Jesus Christ. She looked like a fucking future Hall of Fame quarterback in the twilight of her career in the morning. You know, that's how she, when she walked by Jesus Christ, that was such a great fucking reference and I butchered it. She looked like a future Hall of Famer in the twilight. I think I did it backwards. What happens if you pull a pit bull's tail? You liked that Clio? You're like, I don't pull it. I just hold on to it. All right. Get out of my face. Look at

you. You're not covered in oil. Would you try to bite me if I pulled you out? You wouldn't, you'd be sitting there going, all right. So anyways, speaking of the Lakers and Celtics, this is just a fucking insane time of the year with the NBA finals and the NHL finals are on at the same time, you know, and women just go crazy because they're loving it. They're loving every second of the sports. My girl watches every fucking TV show that involves, let's take the dumbest cunt from the stupidest state and just start documenting their family, you know, and then the people start ramping up the stupid because the cameras are on. I went in there. She was watching something. They had just a bunch of dumb skanks from Jersey planning a fucking wedding,

and rather than addressing the real issue, which is that these people are going to fucking procreate, they're actually dealing with this little shit about, oh my God, I want to wear chiffon and all my skanky bridesmaids, you know, with their scraped out uteruses from all those abortions have to wear the same fucking color. I mean, that's television people. I don't think it is. It's not television. How do we go from Lawrence Welk to that? Remember when we had family values? Lawrence Welk had so many morals, it was actually creepy. Go on YouTube and go look up the Lawrence Welk show. There was a dance team on there, Bobby and Susie or something, just the whitest, purest, let's go spoon with Jesus fucking white names

you could ever come up with. And they used to do these, they used to fucking dance, these stupid smiles on their face, and it was just that classic little skippy doo, skippy doo all across the fucking the fucking stupid dance floor. You know, you know, they both had fucking eating disorders, those goddamn dancers, you gotta have the body of a fucking seventh grade of your entire life. It's like you're 35 years old. What do you eat? Huh? Fucking handful of cottage cheese before you go out the goddamn door. Cleo, get out, get away from me. Come on, you're sniffing up my feet. I'm trying to focus here. Dogs are so fucking emotional. Look at that look on your face. You really just had a sad look on your face. Now you're making me feel bad. Anyways, talking about the

Lawrence Welk Show. Go look that shit up. It was just, it was fucking horrible. Some of those shows back then, you know, that's kind of like what I grew up on. You know, I just saw those shows and I sat down and watched it. For the longest time, that was like music to me. You know, and I asked for, I wanted a record, I wanted some music for my birthday. I didn't know what it was. I just wanted a record. Give me a record. And the first record I was given was Sing Along with Mitch in the Gang. It was a Mitch Miller record. You know, I always wondered why I never got laid in high school. But you know, when you're, when you're weaned on roll out the barrel. All these other kids are singing like fucking Aerosmith and Led Zeppelin. And I'm like, won't

you come home, Bill Bailey? Won't you come home? You know, what kind of kid in the third grade wants to play the banjo? I didn't know any better. I didn't know that there was electric guitar. I actually liked the tuba. Fucking Mickey Finn. Huh? The fucking something of Robert E. Lee that was like one of my favorite songs, Ted Heath Orchestra, Elks Parade. Those were my jams. I used to sit there and you know, normal kids would sit there and they'll listen to like some fucking you know, classic rock and then fantasize about being able to play it in front of all the fucking hot broads in their 14th, fourth grade class. You know, normal fantasies. I was actually thinking about playing the trumpet solo on one o'clock jump.

That'll get them, Bill. They'll have them all lined up. You know, their extra saliva mouths with their fucking braces. I always loved that when kids got braces. I lucked out. I never had to have braces. The kids had braces and like the your body thinking it's food for the first fucking two weeks trying to break it down. It's a cesspool. It's a suffering cesspool. Fucking elastic bands. What are these fucking pussy kids have nowadays? Where they got that they got that clear channel shit they put in there? What the fuck is the clear? Or was that the fucking stuff the athletes take? What the fuck is that shit where it's just a plastic mouth guard? You put it in your mouth

and you don't have to go through the torture that kids, you know, from my grade had to go through. This is like really, that's like old school standup material. You know, having to go there and get your fucking braces tightened. You know, right now, my computer screen went to the save mode. And what it does is it puts up all the albums that I've downloaded onto my douchey fucking iPod, which sucks, which breaks every six months or needs to be updated because he can't handle the new technology. I have a nice mix of music here. Gordon Lightfoot. Oh, this is some easy listening shit. Sting. God smack. Let me try to get some credibility. Houses of the Holy, one of the worst Led Zeppelin albums ever, except for two songs,

the rain song and fucking no quarter. The crunch is I'm going to elect is one of the worst songs ever written by a great band. Oh, Stevie Wonder, what is that one? Songs in the key of A? There's a JZ one. I don't know why I have that. Which one is that one? Is that the one where he was going to retire, but then he didn't. Lamb of God. Romantics. Remember that one? What I like about you? When they had the red suits on, red leather suits, and there was nothing wrong with it. That one with Justin Timberlake steps on the crystal ball, the disco ball, because he was bringing sexy back. Remember that? Neil Young, Harvest Moon, Merle Travis. Look at me. I'm all over the fucking map. 1950s hits and highlights,

the nerves. Any of this? Best of brick. Jeff Beck Truth, that album. Remember that one? That had half a Led Zeppelin one. Jaco Pastorius. Audio slave. It's a super group. Okay, let's plow ahead here. I started to talk about Lakers Celtics, and I'm going to extend an olive branch right now, and rather than doing the usual and going off and that type of shit. I'm even going to drag in the hockey fans, too. I want to talk right now to fans of the Celtics, the Lakers, the Blackhawks, and the Flyers. Because I got a question, because I'm having a fucking heart attack. I'm aging like seven years with each point that is scored or not scored in the Celtics Lakers series. I'm going to ask you,

big sports fans out there, why do we give a fuck? It's stupid. I get it. I give a fuck so much that I'm actually jealous of people who don't give a shit. Like last night after I watched the game, I felt like I got acquitted or something. That's the level of stress. I'm just sitting there. Like fucking R. Kelly, thinking there's no way. There's no fucking way. Holy shit. They had video. It looks just like you. I know, but it's not me. All those years have been offended when everybody says we all look alike. Now I'm saying we all look alike, because I peed on a 12-year-old, amongst other things. All right, let's plow ahead here. Why do we give a fuck? I'm sitting there like, this is how much I give a shit. I know you

guys are going to think this is nuts. I actually had an opportunity, somebody at the last second had a ticket to the game. It's a 20-minute fucking ride down the street, and I turned it down. I turned it down because, first of all, I already went to an NBA finals game. I already went. Okay, so I checked that off the bucket list. I went to the Lakers, Celtics actually lost, Lakers Celtics final. You know, if you're going to go to a final game, that's the great thing. And I went into enemy territory with my fucking Celtic shirt on, and I basically paid like 400 bucks or whatever the fuck to sit in the last row of the staple center to every five seconds to have somebody go, Celtics are bitches. You know, it's like I paid to get verbally fucking abused and to not hear

the commentating and all that type of shit, but it was still awesome to be there. But it's like, I give a fuck too much. I want to hear the goddamn game. I don't want to sit there and have to look around fat fucks and drunks getting up to get their goddamn beer and listen to their stupid shit. It's not worth it. I'm paying money to be tortured. I don't want to do it. So I actually stayed in my living room and I watched the game on mute. I can't even listen to the fucking announcers because they drive me nuts. And half of it is because sometimes they say dumb shit. And the other half is because I'm so psychotically into my team that I am convinced that everyone in the booth hates my team. Secretly hates my fucking team. I actually have a debate with Paul Verzi,

comedian, right? Dude who opens up for me. You people in New York on the East Coast, you've seen him. Don't act like you haven't. Or even down in Atlanta. Oh yeah, the dude, I don't name names. He may or may not have been the guy I went to fucking the masters with and bet on the Turtles. But anyways, he's convinced that Tim McCarver hates the fucking Yankees. And I'm like, dude, he hates the fucking Red Sox. And then we just kind of came to a conclusion that it's kind of in our head and also that Tim McCarver might kind of be a douche a little bit. I think he likes the Cardinals because that's who he played for. But whatever, I'm getting off track. Like don't you wish, do you ever wish like sometimes you didn't give a fuck? You know what I mean?

Like after I did my show, I went down, I mean actually after I watched the Lakers game, I went down the street and I did stand up and I came walking in and I was talking to some dude who was from New Hampshire. So I'm like, oh Celtics, right? And he's like, yeah, yeah, he goes, they went tonight. And I'm like, you fucking dick. You fucking, yeah, they won. Yeah, they won. Okay, so now you get to have the joy that they won and you didn't have to go through the fucking cardiac arrest that I went through. Oh, it's unreal. When the Lakers start coming back, I got to walk out of the fucking room. Literally, I walk out of the room, come back in, I peek, peek back into the fucking room. I can't fucking take it. It's like the oil spill. It's like this

fucking thing that I want to turn out right. And, and it isn't, and there's nothing I can fucking do about it. I'm just sitting there fucking helpless. You know, I don't know what I got to do. Do I got to be on like a fucking Stairmaster like some broad while I watch it to get that extra energy out? I fucking every like seven minutes, I'll take the mute button off. And I can listen to a sentence and a half before Van Gundy or somebody else, all these fucking guys who played the game coach the game know way more about the game. And I am immediately convinced that they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. And I start yelling at my TV like a goddamn maniac. I'll tell you what else fucking sucks. That's right. I'm on a roll

here about shit that sucks. Fucking I lived in New York. I'm so fucking sick of living in the city that is the arch rival of one of my teams. You know, in all day long, I got to look at these fucking Laker flags flapping off the side of the cars. You know, those things are gay, by the way. You drive down the streets with your with your fucking team flags in the window. You've seen those little clip on things. Actually, I see them and I start getting angry. You know what I mean? Like it's a fucking alkyda flag. Do they have a flag? You know, what is what is it of them? Sneaking into a pizza parlor, crouching in a cave, fucking punks. I just I see them and I just want to fucking, you know,

I don't know for some reason like like wire cutters. I don't know why you'd need wire cutters to cut a plastic poor excuse for a flagpole. I just want to snip them off. Really, Bill? You take it to that level? Yeah, yeah, I do. I don't do it, but like I want to. I want to. I would have gone to that Laker game yesterday and I would have fantasized about beating the shit out of everybody in my row, you know, and the Celtics winning by 40. It's not healthy. It's not fucking healthy. Look at my leg. My leg's fucking shaken right now and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. So yeah, so basically I lived in New York during the height of the curse of the babe. Every time I wanted to go see the Red Sox, I had to sit in fucking Yankee

Stadium and have people go 1918, you know, and I got that Catholic fucking, you know, punish me shit. So I'd show up with my Red Sox shit on, you know, and at that point we had one in 86 years. So all I could do was just personally attack the looks of the person, you know, make fun of how their hat looks stupid on their head or some shit like that. And they would be like, what does that have to do with championships? Nothing, you fucking idiot. We haven't won in 86 years. I got nothing here. All I can talk about is how neatly your mantid sit on your fucking, your beer belly. It's fine. I don't know. So then whatever, the Red Sox finally won it. I can breathe.

You know, what song is that? I can breathe again. I can breathe again. One of those fucking 80 songs that you thought really meant something. The fuck was it? I was a lot of reverb. Reverb makes up for a lot. That's like the poor man's fucking autotune. Anyways, the fuck am I talking about here? Yeah, so then that shit ends. You know, Celtics are dead in the fucking water. Then I, they're technically not even a fucking NBA team. When, when I make the decision to move out here and I move out here, you know, one of the most underhanded deals in the history of sport, Kevin McHale somehow decided, we'll give you our best player for nobody. Give it back to

our former fucking team that I used to play for. And next thing you know, we're the shit. And then I got Celtics are bitches. And I got listening to that fucking, these fucking flags. I hate it. Why can't this business being like, you know, Oregon? This is how much I fucking hate. Like I'm sitting here watching the game, right? And all of a sudden I see Hillary Swank, you know, courtside. The worst courtside in all the fucking basketball is, is the fucking Lakers. Jesus Christ, those people with their fucking laminated faces. This is how fucking fucked up people are out here in LA. They get plastic surgery in their 20s. It's like, you out of your mind, you, that's to take a picture yourself in your 20s,

when you get to your 50s, then hand them the picture and be like, I want to look like that. You know, give them something to work off of. Give these guys 30 years to fuck up other people's faces before they get to yours. Jesus Christ, you know, stop eating fried food, get on a fucking treadmill. What's wrong with you? Right? I'm telling you, become, you know, become, you know, game six, you know, like I'm going to be like, yeah, if there is a game six, there's going to be a game six. This is going to be a torturous fucking series. I am worried about the Celtics. Garnet is hurt and Paul Pierce is hurt. They're fucking, that Van Gundy's going, yeah, Garnet's only going up with one hand. That's all I heard.

You got to use two hands for a rebound. I hit fucking mute. I'm like, you think he doesn't fucking know that? Then my buddy Paul Verzi calls up, he goes, dude, I think Garnet's hurt. He kept rubbing his shoulder, right? And then all of a sudden my buddy called me today, he goes, yeah, they're saying that on the radio. He fucked up his shoulder. See, that's why I don't listen. Put it on fucking mute. You know, I don't, I don't like how just all these fucking people will now act like, like the same way the Lakers won the first game, then all of a sudden, oh, there's Celtics fucking finished, right? And now the Celtics won. Now the Lakers fucking, they played two games. It's one one. It's a great fucking series so far. Okay.

It's the usual fucking thing. They always got to act like whatever just happened is law for the rest of the rest of fucking time. I can't, it drives me fucking nuts. But I got to tell you this, dude, I owe, I owe Paugasol an apology. All right, now I'm not going to be a dick here and be like, well, you know, Garnet isn't fucking 100%, whatever that guy's going strong to the fucking hoop. He is not the guy he was two fucking years ago. That guy's playing fucking great. That fucking baseline reverse jam he had was the shit was the shit. You see this? This is a Celtics fan giving Paugasol props in the middle of the fucking series. And I wish more of you fucking sport cunts could act like that. Instead of fucking, you know, latching your, hitching the trailer of

your loser life up to your fucking team to the point so you get so into it that you can't even, you can't even appreciate it, a fucking good play, you know? These fucking Red Sox fans, fuck Derek G to really, really fucking stupid, you know, guys, the shit fucking, you know, one of the best players I've ever fucking seen, you know, the way he handles his shit on and off, you know, do I want the guy to win? Fuck no, but am I going to sit here like an asshole, you know, and act like this dude isn't a great player or that fucking reverse jam Paugasol had was the shit. I want to know how Paugasol became a Laker. He's a fucked up looking white dude. If that doesn't say Celtic, I don't know what does. And this is really like the classic Celtic

Laker series where they've always been just, you know, faster, always had more talent. And we've always just been, you know, like this, this fucking, you know, fucking fucked up looking team, but somehow we win. How many good looking Celtics have there been? I mean, this Larry Bird, Dennis Johnson, Kevin McHale, Kevin McHale, I guess had dreamy eyes. You're just focused on that. But the rest of his body, good Lord. He looks like his fucking arms are so goddamn long. He looks like he would walk like that thing in the end. And what was that movie with the chick crawled up out of the well? Was that the movie? Or was it that other movie that the, uh, oh Jesus Christ, one of those Japanese horror movies with

that fucking thing crawls. And as it moves its hands, its back legs would step over its front fucking legs like some sort of mutant crab. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Kendrick Perkins. I saw Kendrick Perkins, by the way, uh, lobby of this hotel about a week ago. That guy is a fucking mountain of a man. He's a fucking mountain, you know, and to think that he looks like medium size next to Shaq, these fucking people that, you know, if you ever get down on yourself that you never made, you never made it to the professional level, stand next to a professional athlete and just realize that it was game over by third grade. When there's people walking around with that sort of fucking bionic DNA. Jesus Christ. I mean, I can't believe I was allowed to go to gym class

past the fucking sixth grade. My pasty fucking forest gump legs. Um, anyways, so let's get back to this shit, man. Why the, why, you know, maybe, maybe you guys can answer me that. Why the fuck do we care so much? Like right now, you know, who's getting their goddamn fucking hearts ripped out and are aging and the fans of the Blackhawks and the Flyers. All right, this, this is one of these great series where somebody is finally going to have that anvil lifted off their chest. Blackhawks haven't won since 61. The Flyers haven't won since 75. Okay. 75 isn't as bad as 61, but you know, what the fuck? You know, I was writing on my Facebook page, we pulled out of Vietnam in 1975. All right. There was only one kind of Cheerios in 1975. You understand? Get it done. Am I putting

this in historical perspective here? And can I dumb it down? The Rubik's Cube was still about six, seven years away, people. The last time the Flyers won it. Okay. I love how you just got a fucking dumb everything down. Um, friend of mine who actually runs the, uh, the MM podcast page, the, uh, the fan page, the official and only fan page of the Monday morning podcast, um, who gets exclusive, uh, whatever. You know what I do is I do the podcast now because I want, I want to take this podcast to the next level. So what I do is I do the podcast, then I, I, I, you know, I upload it and I send it to the dude who runs that page and he puts all the fucking, you know, all the references up, all the YouTube videos and everything. Then we try to sync it

where we, we both fucking put it on at the same time, you know, taking it to the next level. Totally lost, just lost my fucking train of thought here. Um, oh, that's right. He sent me this article. This is the classic just dumb and down, just pussy way that we're running this country right now. These, there's people, people actually, I guess the, uh, the nationwide, uh, the national spelling bee is coming up, you know, and everybody laughs at these, these kids who go up there. They're right at their fucking awkward years. You know what I mean? Where they have the nose of the adult and like the fucking teeth of a fucking two year old, you know, 12 year old. So, um, they have in the national spelling bee in Washington DC, they celebrate

these, uh, these brainiac fucking kids that eventually will work for a corporation and without really knowing it will probably work on some device that'll someday kill millions of people. You know, in other words, the future. So there's people actually, they're picketing the spelling bee. All right. I had, I had to fucking read this to actually believe it. Okay. It says not all spellers headed for Washington DC for the national spelling bee, spelling bee on June 1st through the 3rd think English spelling is a good thing that should be celebrated with spectators and judges inside the Grand Hyatt Hotel. Uh, a while, while spectators and judges inside the Grand Hyatt Hotel will be pondering the spellings of obscure words and admiring the

efforts of contestants outside on the street, some members of the American Literacy Council and the simplified spelling society, aka the SSS will be trying to convince pass or buys that the English spelling is a problem that needs fixing. Why are people so fucking dumb? Okay. Now that's something, if you want to get support, simplified spelling society, you don't go to the fucking nationwide spelling bee where the kids just learned how to spell fucking rheumatoid arthritis. So whatever the fuck they're going to ask them, can you use an effectance? Your grandmother has rheumatoid arthritis. Okay. That was me. Isn't that two words? Um, why don't you just go to a bar? You want to get names on that fucking

petition? That's who you're doing it for. The dumb fucks. This is the point these people have. It said, like those in size side, they may admire the efforts of the contestants, but they will have signs and sandwich boards with slogans such as I'm through with through. In other words, THRU and THROUGH. I'm through with through and enough is enough, spelt ENUF ENUF and enough is too much spelt ENUGH. Their aim is to alert parents, educators, politicians, business people and others concerned about the unacceptable level of illiteracy, illiteracy among English speakers to the fact that a prime cause for this is English spelling. Do you get it? The reason why there's such a high level of illiteracy is not because we

constantly cut funding to the public schools, not because spelling is something that's even fucking stressed by most people anymore. It's because the words are too difficult to spell. One of the pickers pickers, one of the picketers, this is hilarious and I can't even fucking read, I'm part of the problem. I might sign these people's petition. One of the picketers, at the ALC chair and the SSS member, Allen Moll from Boulder, Colorado put it this way, our odd spelling retains words like cough, bow, THRU and THRUGH. This increases illiteracy and crime. Fix it and you fix a host of problems. We want to fix it. So this guy's basically saying that the reason why there's serial killers, there's people holding up fucking McDonald's,

there's purse snatchers and all this type of shit is because cat is not spelled with a K. You know, I mean, on one side, I fucking respect this guy because he actually has a cause. He actually got off his couch and said, you know what, I'm going to do something about this. This is the reverse of what I was trying. Maybe that's why let's get smart America, bombed on my podcast. You know, you guys are waiting for this SSS guy to come in here. You know, I mean, not to be the classic person who goes, what's going to happen next? But what is going to happen next? Two plus two is like four, five, three, you know, as long as you're within one, we'll give it to you. Round it off to the nearest right answer.

Learn how to fucking spell you lazy fucks. That's pathetic. I also like how to, like the illiteracy, the illiteracy problem is, you know, that's the reason why there's fucking crime. You know, I bet those fucking bankers, you know, those bankers are literate and they're great at math. They're great at fucking math where it always works out for them. The fucking cunts, they went to fucking Ivy League schools. Why did I, why did I taper off? I believe schools. Ivy League schools. They went to Ivy League fucking schools. They went to Brown. They went to Cornell. Went worth. I don't know. That's one for you. That did some party fucking, you know, something that's, you know, what killed it,

what killed it was, was cable. That's what, that's what, that's what really made people dumb. Cable in the internet. 800 fucking channels. You know what people used to do back in the day? They used to load up a something called a station wagon. All right. First of all, everybody had like five fucking kids back in the day. All right. Which was a great thing to do. You know, because you know a couple of them are going to be fuck ups. Okay. And you can let it go. You can let it go. That's why parents who have only one kid are so fucking overprotective. Protective is because they went all in World Series of Poker. They pushed all their chips in. This is their one fucking hope. That kid can't be

a fucking serial killer. You have seven, eight fucking kids. You know, one of them, you know, you can handle it. You can fucking handle it. If one of them's a fae, he's the black sheep. What are you going to do? You know, what the fuck are you going to do? I mean, the guy's transvestite and sometimes pyromaniac. Huh? Anybody remember that line? There he met a transvestite and sometimes pyromaniac. The greatest line ever uttered on the fucking A&E channel, possibly in television history. When they were talking about these, this serial killer tandem. That's how they described one of the guys. One of the guys was just killing somebody on his own, and then he had to leave town because the heat was getting too high and he went to a new town, hangs out in some shady bar,

and that's where he meets his serial killer partner. You know, kind of like when Bill Gates met that other fucking nerd and they made the first laptop. These two serial killers came together. And to describe his partner, the fucking that Bill Curtis guy goes there. He met a transvestite and sometimes pyromaniac. Back in the day, people, we had station wagons and there was a whole bunch of fucking kids. You didn't have to have a fucking spelling bee. Okay? You have a spelling bee because you only have one kid and the kid can't compete against himself. You got to go with a bunch of other fucking kids. Back in the day, we had station wagons and they were full of fucking kids. All right? And you just drove somewhere. And on the way there, you know, you listened to Mitch

Miller. Right? And you fucking said shit like, your parents would quiz you. What are Ivy League schools? Name the capitals of states. You know, that's what the fuck you did. And you stopped in a rest area. Your dad sent you in there by yourself. There was no problem. There was no worries. And you walked in there and some guy exposes himself to you. It did not a deal with it. You just, you buried it. You got back in the fucking car next thing you know, you're at a Dairy Queen sort of enjoying the ice cream, but sort of not. That's when America was intelligent. Back when we used to have like five, six kids and you threw them in a fucking station wagon, and then you quizzed them as you drove to some poor excuse for a tourist attraction. You know,

you go out to go look at fucking, wow, Bill Cody's fucking log cabin. You know, your dad be sitting there seething with anger. Left arm all sunburned from heaven and hanging out the side fucking window. The rest of them ghost white. And that was it. Spelling test, quizzes and Dairy Queen. Somewhere along the line, it became OMG laughing my fucking ass off. All this abbreviation. These people want to turn it into that. Fuck that. Man up, you pussies. Learn how to spell goddamn words. I did it for a month. I'm a better speller because it, because of it, because it. I'm not. I've already forgot. I finally conquered the word restaurant though forever. I couldn't remember where the U went. It's rest and then A U R A N T. I couldn't remember if the U came,

which, which A the U came after. Is it restaurant or restaurant restaurant. It's a restaurant. These fucking people would spell it R E S T R A N T restaurant. No, no, that would still be fucked up. How do you spell rant douche? You know, that's restaurant. How do I spell that phonetically? R E S T O N T. No, R E S T R O N T restaurant. Let's go to the fucking restaurant. I think I'm getting so worked up like these guys are actually going to succeed. Um, you know, it's like listening to people down the south when they talk about the south

going to rise again. Is it are you going to secede from the union? How did that work out the first time? Um, wow, look at me. What is wrong with me? All right, let's get to some YouTube videos for the fucking week. Um, for the fucking week, listen to me with my tough talk. Um, all right, hang on a second. I got a couple actually really good drum videos for you guys to watch. They're actually hilarious. Somebody sent me this on my, uh, on my Facebook and the name of this video is this drummer search this, this drummer is at the wrong gig. And, uh, it's just a guy where he is fucking, this guy is awesome. He is performing like it's still 1986 and they are opening for like fucking motley crew and he is trying to blow Tommy Lee off the stage. That's the way he is

performing and they are, they're playing at like just some fucking banquet and everybody else has, I'm playing at a banquet energy and this motherfucker is just like, I don't, I don't, I've played drums for fucking years and I, I would have to slow the video down to try and figure out how the fuck he's doing some of this shit. He does this move with his, both his arms. He looks like he's in a dryer. It's the only way to describe it is fucking code is flying around and somehow he never misses a beat. It's fucking awesome, but it looks absolutely ridiculous, yet awesome. Yeah, just check it out. All right. And you can watch all these videos if you don't want to search. Okay, I'll make it easy for you. Just like the SSS people go to the, the mmpodcast.com

and we'll have all that shit up there for you. Here's another one. Korean drummer rocks out. This is actually from a long time ago, but this guy is just fucking, you know, it's just what, what drumming and performing is all about. This guy, he's the shit. A lot of times people, I'm the drummer. I'm sitting behind all these drums. No one's going to look at me. This fucking guy, you can't not look at him. And they got this hot girl singing the song, you know, and he's fucking, he's starts head banging in these. I think this guy's like head banging before people knew how to head bang. It is the last thing you can go on YouTube and check out because I tried to download this album. It's the first Aerosmith album, which I haven't listened to, I think in

about 15 years. It's such a great album. It's the one that dream on was initially on. That's only like the really, the real hit off. And they usually play like mama kin and stuff in concert, but they're, they're, they're so fucking, the album is so like raw and Stephen Tyler's voice. He's, he sounds so young and he's just, he's right at the beginning of like a few of like his signature ways of like phrasing and stuff. And it's just a fucking killer album. And my favorite song on it is a song called moving out by Aerosmith. And it's great though, just a production of it and everything. It's just so fucking like, it just sounds like they scraped their last couple of fucking dimes together and put it out. And I'm actually going to go to a

fucking, I'm going to go to Amoeba Records today. I'm going to fucking buy that album because I tried to download it on iTunes and they don't have it. Isn't that a surprise? Isn't that a fucking surprise? I don't know who to blame on that one. Is it Aerosmith? Cause they're like, well, I don't like the production of that. Or we have, you know, our two hits on like 47 different other compilations. I don't know what, but I'm right now, I'm going to put some money in those fuckers pockets, download that whole album, go out and buy it. It's the shit. It's just the shit. All right. So where are we at here? 42 minutes in almost 43 minutes. And I got to cover another fucking seven minutes. And then I can fucking can upload this fucking thing and get on with my

goddamn day here. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be a Caroline's comedy club this week with Paul Verzi opening up and in the middle, young Joe DeRosa, the teen idol sensation from the Opian Anthony show. I know a lot of you out there read Teen Beat. So you're all up on Joe and his latest hairstyle. But for those of you not familiar with Joe, he has, he has a wonderful spread coming out in next next month's Teen Beat anniversary issue where he's, you know, he's, he's swinging on a tire, you know, shirtless, laying in a field, very, very Keith Partridge, Sean Cassidy sort of photo shoot, you know, it's done a little bit ironic, but, you know, there's a lot of heart in it. Um, anyways, yeah, I'm going to be there. What is it? Thursday, Friday, Saturday,

Thursday, June 10th is my birthday, by the way. Okay. So I'm going to spend it on the road like some lonely sailor. No, actually, I don't even know why I took the gig on my birthday. I know why I did because I owe the tax man. Yeah, the tax man. I don't know how you get rich in it. And I know why people fucking steal from people because that's the only way to get over the hump. Every time I think I'm going to get over the hump, I'm like, I'm on fucking easy street. The fucking goddamn IRS shows up, you know, gives me the fucking right there, Fred. The right there, Fred, to my fucking nuts. Right there, Fred. I just made my dog jump. Sorry about that, dude. Sorry. Right there, Fred. That was actually a catchphrase in my family.

Right there, Fred. You know what that was? That was actually from a Flintstones episode. Flintstones episode where Fred was trying to fucking do, uh, you guys ever had that? You ever just have a fucking like catchphrase that only your family gets? You know, maybe you guys could send me into those. I'll tell you, one of ours, one of ours in our family was called right there, Fred. Yeah, everything was going great. And the dude gives me the fucking right there, Fred. And it was from the Flintstones. And Fred, I don't know what he was doing. He was trying to impress Wilma that he learned how to do magic.

And he has this egg and he does, you know, a couple of little dupes he does. And he's like, all right, Wilma, where is it? You know, and he has this, he has it like buried in his fist. And she goes right there, Fred. And she fucking pounded she pounded his fist and broke the egg in his hand and exposed him. You know, he thought he was the shit and she made an absolute fool out of him. The proverbial yoke on your face, but it was in his hand. So that became, that became, I don't know, that became the right there, Fred. In my family, anytime like, you know, you think you're winning an argument,

you think you're, is there anything funnier than watching a big dog walk across hardwood floors? I swear to God, you think they're going across a minefield. Cleo, what's wrong with you? Huh? You don't like walking across, what happened to you? Did you have a bad experience? All I have to say, I don't even have to say like the entire, you want to go outside. All I have to say is you want to, and her ears come up. Cleo, you want to you want to go outside? Let's see if I can get, get her to how, Cleo. No, no, no, down. Cleo, you want to go outside? Fuck you. Doing a little bit. Cleo, you want to go outside?

Oh, fucking awesome. Is that if you guys don't have dogs, I don't know why you don't have a dog and get a breed that fucking howls. I make her do that every time. That was actually just Ah, that's just fucking awesome. Anyways, let's, let's plow ahead. What the hell was that? I was talking about catchphrases, but I was going to tell you something else. I don't know. I was speaking to my dog. You know what? The, my fucking landlord found out I had a dog. Neither my landlord is listening to this podcast or the, or the old fuck downstairs ratted me out. I don't know what, but I let it go. I let it go because you know me, I have my coats, I have my, I don't name names and I don't yell at old people. All right. I may talk shit about

them on my podcast. Hey, remember that crazy lady, that lady, that crazy lady that I was telling you about my neighborhood? I was driving down the street the other day and I just saw her fucking laying on the grass, screaming, just fighting off like invisible. I don't know what. And uh, I laughed like I haven't laughed and I don't know how long it was so fucking funny. I mean, I feel bad for her and shit, but like, uh, and you gotta understand, like the street I live on is a quiet street and I'm driving down this quiet street in my hybrid, which is actually even quieter. My hybrid, the fucking Bose headphones of automobiles and it's just quiet. You know, I got the windows down. It's the perfect day. You don't need AC. You don't need the windows up. It's

just why you live in California. It's this fucking awesome day and you know, fucking blue sky. It's just, just a beautiful day. I'm just cruising down the street. I just got a bunch of shit done. I'm feeling good and all of a sudden I just, I just, you know, as I'm coming up on her, I can't see her because this car's parked on the side of the road. I just saw this faint like and I'm like, I, you know, it was so fucking bizarre. I was like, what the fuck is that? And then I just, the ends up being like this, this four car gap between cars parked on the side of the road and I can't see this big SUV. And right when I come around the side of it, there's this crazy lady on her back, like a fucking cockroach that can't get out. She's like just flailing in slow

motion. I love Fred Sanford, each limb one at a time and it was just so fucking bizarre, but she was so committed and she was so into it and so just fighting something off. It was, it was just, it was fucked. Like it was so peaceful, so beautiful what a day and all of a sudden I fucking drove by and I just started fucking laughing and it was, it was just a guilt-free laugh. It was a guilt-free laugh, you know? I didn't feel bad. I feel bad that she's out there, but like, I like to think that I'm mature enough to know that either way, that's funny, right? Am I a bad person? I probably am. I don't know. Well, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I didn't get back to the way, I didn't get back to the Flyers. I didn't get back to, you know, I'm going to

talk right until my phone call comes. I got a phone call here at 11, which is in four minutes. What was I going to say? I fucking, getting back to the Flyers and the Blackhawks. Okay, it's a great series. You guys really should watch right now. Blackhawks just went up three, two. They are, they are one game away. Sixly minutes away. You know, they always do that. They're 28 minutes away from ending the curse, from ending basically 50 years of frustration for these people. Okay? And, you know, to the fact that they have like, you know, some of the original players, they have like five people left from their fucking team that aren't even dead yet from the last time that they played. I'll tell you what's awesome is Bobby Hull still looks like. I can't figure out

if he looks like if he'd still beat the shit out of you. He looks like he's in that weird aging process where he still looks like he could beat the shit out of you, yet he also looks like he signed the declaration of independence, which would have been hilarious if I didn't fucking stutter. God damn it. I'm dumb. So I got to be honest with you, I'm going to be happy for either, for either team. It's going to be a shame that one of you guys had got to lose. And, you know, I'm looking forward to more games. Celtics Lakers got respect for the fucking Lakers, man. They're a hell of a squad. And I was off. I was really off. I got to say it again. I said, Paul Gasol was going to get fucking raped in the NBA finals. And I'm most impressed with him and

Andrew Bynum. Is that his name, Andrew? I'm not a basketball guy. I'm total bandwagon here. I'm a fucking hockey guy. For years, people have been saying what the fuck this guy's going to do, but he keeps hurting his knees. And it seems like he's coming into his own. And I don't know, man. It's going to be tough at the Celtics beat him. It's going to be really fucking impressive because I think they're younger and they're quicker. But we always find a way. We find a way to win ugly. That's what we do. That's what we do. What about Ray Ray? Raining in those threes. You know, and I had the whole game on mute. I probably missed a lot of the excitement of listening to the crowd go crazy, but I don't give a fuck. That's how I have to do

it so I can survive. So there you have it. That is the podcast for this week. Come and come check me out of Carolines this week in New York City. Also next week, I'm going to be at the improv out here in Los Angeles, Los Angeles. And I haven't put it up yet, but I haven't. For years, people have been asking me to come out to San Diego and I'm going to be at the La Jolla comedy store the first weekend in August. I don't have the fucking dates in front of me here. Let me just check the map. July, August, the sixth and seventh. I'm going to be out there. So all you guys out there have been asking me to come down there. I'm finally coming down there. I hope you show up. You can check out my new hour of shit. And as far as I know, that might be right

around the time when I let it go. My special will be coming out in Comedy Central and then you'll watch it and be like, Oh, wow, that fucking guys hilarious. I'm going to come down to see him at the club and I'll hit you over the head with the new fucking hour because that's how I do it. All right, you fucks. Now I'm talking shit. All right, I'll see you guys next week. Have a great week and get yourself a dog. Get a big dog that tippy toes across the fucking hardwood floors and it'll howl for you once a day. It'll keep you happy. Keep you happy. Yeah. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas where romance finds fantasy.

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