Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-8-17

Episode Date: June 9, 2017

Ol' Billy No Fun talks about music, ellipticals and how to celebrate your birthday.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? I'm here in New York City, being press boy, talking about second season of Epfis for Family. I want to thank everybody once again who's been watching it, tweeting about it, Instagraming about it, MySpace and about it, Facebook and whatever the fuck you kids do.

I have no idea. Um, I had a long day of press yesterday, but a great time. I had a great time. Did the Howard Stern show for the first time in like 15 years. Um, I had a great time on that one. And then, uh, it was funny. I could barely sleep the night before. I was just thinking about how much my life has changed in the last 15 years.

Plus I was on, um, West coast time. Plus I was nervous going in there. You know, you go to do that show. It's like, Oh my God. What's this guy going to ask me? And, um, it ended up going great. Thank God. You know, that's one of those ones you leave.

It's like, did he have a good time? But was it all right? Did I do an all right job? Um, I did joke with them that I'll see him again in another 15 years. But it was obviously fucking awesome to do the show. And I had a great time. I hope he had a good time too. And, uh, then of course I did Jimmy and Sam.

I did the opie show. I'm going to try to do Anthony show today. Um, I did Ron, Ron show. I did fucking, uh, what else did I do? Barstool sports. I was everywhere. I did something for the Eminem channel. I did the trucker show, just running my, I called in the major, major league

baseball channel and I fucking, for whatever reason, decided to talk about the Kevin Durant trade on baseball channel. We totally got into that. Talk to somebody else on Toronto. Um, great game last night, by the way, finally a nice competitive game between the Cavaliers and the, uh, warriors before the former league MVP that they signed to hit a fucking dagger three pointer. Um, I don't know, gravy train, gravy train, jumping on the, it's the gravy train

championship. That's what I'm going to call it. Um, and I've gotten into so many fucking debates. A lot of people don't agree with me. A lot of people go, well, LeBron did it in Miami. So, and I keep saying, I'm not talking about players. I'm just talking about this as a fan and nobody seems to be able to hear me. So last night I'm in a fucking diner.

Um, and I get in this fucking debate with this dude. You know, one of these young guys, you know, they say, I don't think the Beatles are that good, or I think the Beatles are overrated. And I always try to tell them, like, you're really not going to find any musician with any sort of knowledge of music that's going to say you're right. I think why these kids say this, aside from the fact that it's been so long since the Beatles were around, that it's hard to go back and see the effect they had on the game.

It's like trying to look back at Johnny Unitas and see how he brought the quarterback position into the modern era. How the fuck are you going to do that in 20? How are these, are these goddamn kids going to do it? I also think the reason why the Beatles get so much shit from people, like it seems like age 38 and under is, I think baby boomers are so fucking annoying. And that's all they talk about. And they act like music ended.

You know, in 1970 when they broke up. But I was arguing with this guy. And this is one of the funniest things anybody's ever said. He basically said that he didn't like the Beatles because when he puts on the Beatles, it didn't make him want to get on an elliptical and work out. That has got to be one of the funniest fucking things. And I immediately was just like, dude, how many fucking food courts do you sit in at? Just like, I don't even know what to say to that.

It's like, dude, you know, everybody likes Mozart, but you know, it doesn't make me want to put on my leg warmers and get on the exercise bike. But who the fuck am I to say how people should or shouldn't enjoy music? But I think a lot of the Beatles backlash just has to do with everybody blowing them for the last fucking 50 years. And people will be like, dude, Yellow Submarine, that's a good song. And it's like, well, dude, Al Pacino has bad movies. Does that mean he's not a fucking one of the greatest actors of all time?

You know, every comedian has a fucking tough set. Everybody comedian tells a joke that doesn't fucking work. Richard Pryor did sets where he bombed. You know, I don't understand the whatever. It was such a stupid fucking thing. I got, I just literally wasted, I wasted like two hours of my life arguing about whether the Beatles were great or not, and whether or not what Durant was doing was, you know, a legit championship or not.

I wasted like at least two hours of my fucking life debating with that, getting nowhere, spinning my wheels. The other person arguing and it just fucking went nowhere. And I don't know. I got another birthday coming up and I really thought I was past this point in my life. I don't know why fair enough just didn't pop into my head. Oh, I know why. I know why because I was drinking, as always, when I'm on the fucking road.

And I decided this morning when I woke up and I was like, did I really stay out till four in the morning? You know, trying to just tell somebody why the Beatles are better than Oasis and the Foo Fighters. Did I really just try to do that? Did I really sit there and debate fucking the Kevin Durant trade sometimes at the top of my lungs until four in the fucking morning? So now I got to do press it too.

Listen to this shit. I'm not going to work out this morning. I could have gone down the street. I should have gone to fucking bed. Go back to the room. That's what I should have done. I could have gone to bed. I could have woke up, gone to the gym.

I could have played drums this morning and I'm not. It's fucking 12 noon. Trying to get my shit together. And you know what? I've had it. I've had it. I'm fucking shutting it down. Shutting it down.

You know what? No, I'm no fun, William. That's who I'm going to be. No fun, Billy. Billy, no fun. There you go. There's my new name. Billy, no fun.

Oh, Billy, back to the room. I just, I don't know. What a fucking colossal fucking waste. That's all I can think about this morning. You guys ever do that? You had to have. Am I the only person who does shit like that? Goes out and stays out way past the time

he should have stayed out. Debating stupid shit. Why do I give a fuck if someone likes the red hot chili peppers over fucking, I don't know, fucking poison? Why? Why? I'm 49 years old on Saturday.

I'm having arguments that I should have been having in like fucking junior high and high school. I don't know. I want to say I took a long hard look at myself, but I didn't. I kind of laid here with the fucking lights off just going like I can't, I don't know. Then I'm trying to like make excuses.

Well, I'm just upset because I'm not going to see my daughter for the next couple of days. So maybe that caused me to be a little more argumentative. And then I had to really look at myself and be like, you know what, Bill? No, you kind of been a cunt for a while now. This predates the birth of your daughter. So anyways, no fun, Billy.

Oh, back to the room, Roger. That's what I'm going to be. Yeah, tonight, I think I'm going to have dinner with an old friend, right? Which sounds like code that I'm going to go out and go do some heroin. You know, isn't that code in the junkie world? Where were you for the last six weeks?

I was having dinner with an old friend. You know, we eat standing up. Sorry, sorry for the heroin jokes. Considering it's a goddamn epidemic here in the United States. But what kind of a, is there actually a function in junkie listening to this shit right now? Do you think you could kick heroin? You ever see people kicking heroin and you just think like,

would I have it in me? I mean, I can't even lay off the booze. I saw this video one time, this guy just like literally on his knees, folded down on top of himself in the tub. It just was like with water running over him. And this woman was sort of giving him shit. You mean like, oh, how do you feel? He just sort of looks up like, I can't imagine it.

But I've read a couple of rock stars books and they talk about, you know, trying to kick heroin and all that stuff. And it's, I don't know why. It sounds like fascinating. Like, whenever I, whenever I'm in your arms again, dude, that song's better than the Beatles. That like, I like that song makes me want to get up

and go on a power walk. I know I love you much better. This time we'll never hand. Sorry. What was I talking about kicking heroin? Who the fuck was that that I just sang? That's not spando ballet. I know this.

That was spando, right? That was a tough summer when that song came out. You know what I mean? You'd have a crush on a girl and she'd pull up in a car and as much as you loved her, you just couldn't quite love her as much when she pulled up and she was listening to that song. You know, it's kind of impossible if you love music

to start, to start to sing that song without beginning to cry. It's such a bad song, right? I know this. Sorry. Anyways, I want to thank everybody once again, as I mentioned, that helped me come in. I, I can't even, I, I wasn't there from like 845

in the morning till 4 in the afternoon, just running my yap about the show. And I got to do it again this afternoon and then I have a little more in the morning. And then I am done. And I have like one more press thing that I think I'm doing. And then that's it. That's it.

Then I wash my hands of it. And if you fucking like it, you watch it. If you don't, you don't. I apologize for the click here. There you go. This probably was overly loud. I got to look at my fucking notes here. I thanked everybody.

Yes, I did. I talked about the guy with the elliptical. Yes, I did. I've actually been paying attention a little bit to the Red Sox Yankees. The Red Sox, the new evil empire, $210 million coming down and playing these upstart Yankees, you know, all from the farm system,

the anti-Golden state warriors. You know what I mean? You know what the Yankees in like 99, 2000 to like, I don't know, 2009, 2010, right to the end of George Steinberg's life. That was like when Hulk Hogan has, you know, he still has the blonde mustache, but his beard is black. You know, he's the bad guy.

And right now what the Yankees are doing, they're like Hulk Hogan when he has just the blonde mustache and he's a good guy. And he's wearing the red with the orange writing on his fucking ass shorts. He's not wearing the black shit, letting you know that for some reason he's in an evil place. And the Red Sox right now, the Red Sox got the black beard.

We are the black bearded fucking blonde mustache version of Hulk Hogan. Coming to town, throwing our fucking money all over the place, you know? I don't know. Well, so we'll see, but we got a fucking ass kick last night. I think we won the night before.

I'm starting to pay attention. I'm going to get the fucking MLB package. I'm going to see what $210 million does. You know, I actually think it's, you know, it's probably going to be bad. I'm going to sit there thinking about having my daughter on my lap watching those games. I think there's not enough movement for a toddler to,

is she a toddler? I guess a baby to appreciate. That's what's great about hockey. By the way, how about those predators coming back and tying up the series? How about that? You know, I'd be very excited if I was a predator's fan, but I would still be nervous, obviously,

playing the penguins. And I'll tell you why was because of the way Crosby celebrated that breakaway goal the other night. I love that he just went in a fucking scores the goal. And rather than flipping out, he just, he puts his arms out to the side to bring in the teammates. Like, all right, there's one like total fucking business. Look on his face.

You know, every time the predator score, they're doing like the fucking Macarena. You know what I mean? They're doing the electric slide, their fist pumping, they're going crazy. They're like, Christ, they're a bunch of goddamn kids acting like they never been there before. And you know what they haven't.

And I'm not saying that they're going to lose this series, but I would be very concerned if I was to coach the predators, looking at how, you know, Crosby just had that fucking assassin look on his face. So what do you think? Was it game five? If you like competition, I would watch the Stanley Cup final rather than finals or final versus the NBA finals.

I always forget which one's plural. And somebody last year fucking goes, there's only one final. There's not two. And it's like, all right, well, they call it the end, they call it the NBA finals. I believe one of them, one of them is fucking plural. But the cab game last night was fucking great.

I was going nuts chairing right to the goddamn end. Until Durant at beast, you know, hit that fucking three, but he really is a fucking monster. Just a phenomenal player. Oh my God, would it be great if he was still on the thunder? Can you imagine the series, the rematch they would have had? You know, they should do that with like a superhero movie and just have like Superman join Lex Luthor.

And then they just fly around and run around and just beating the shit out of people. Can Lex, was Lex Luthor tough? What exactly was that guy? He really had no superpowers. He just was a really negative dude, right? Any of you Comic-Con people, can you help me out on that one? He somehow, I don't know what his,

he was just sort of an asshole who had hookups to that green shit Superman doesn't like. The fuck, is it algae? Is it kale? What is it that he, kryptonite? The kryptonite, yeah. You know what I mean? I don't get that.

Like he comes from the planet Krypton, right? Isn't that his natural environment? I actually think that that's lazy writing. You know, he comes from the planet Krypton and his one weakness is kryptonite. Yeah, I'm from Earth. I have superpowers and just don't get me anywhere near Earth, Eartho Knight.

Oh, that's it. All my freckles fall off. I can't tell jokes anymore. Maybe that's why this podcast sucks so bad right now, not because I'm fucking hating what I've done over the last fucking 12 hours to myself. Maybe it has to do with the fact that there's some Eartho Knight here in my apartment.

I don't fucking know. Anyways, plowing ahead here. After I do the press today and after I do the press tomorrow, I'm going up to Montreal doing two shows on my birthday. You know, this is the loneliness of the road. I just have to like, you got to steer into it sometimes and just see the humor in it.

I went into the drugstore, right? And I was walking through the aisles there, trying to find some Bert's beeswax for my fucking dried out lips, you know, because I haven't been drinking enough water or whatever the fuck being a goddamn idiot out here. And I walked by this aisle and I saw that they had those numbers,

you know, that you put on a birthday cake. So I bought a four and a nine and I'm going to buy myself on Friday because I'm not going to have time. I don't think on my birthday. And I'm going to fucking buy myself light those and I'm going to take a selfie of it. Me with the sad look on my face

with a little piece of cheesecake. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Anyways, how I don't, I don't, oh, shit. I don't know how far into this fucking podcast I am. This always happens when I go to do this. All right, let me, let me read the advertising. Okay.

And I've been getting a ton of shit. Every day I'm going, I'm going too fucking hard on these, these advertisers. So, you know, in the, in the spirit of the fact that my daughter is going to go to, is that my daughter in there? My daughter is going to go to fucking college one day. God knows what the fuck that's going to, forget college, right?

Forget Paris. They fucking, what do you got to do now? Now you got to, you got to pay the VIG the second they're in like kindergarten. You got to stay like, you know, LA schools are so bad. If you don't get them in, and you got to get them in private school in the very beginning, you got to start paying into the system. And that gives you a better fucking chance, just a better chance of them getting into, I don't know, elementary school or middle school.

It's such a, such a ripoff. I don't know what's happened in public schools. Is it because the overhead is like so much worse? I was talking about this on somebody's, oh, Pete Dominic's show. Thank you to him for letting me in on his show. Pete Dominic's show, the, we were talking about that. Like when I was a kid, way back fucking when, you know, when you went to public school, like they just had these fucking textbooks

that they just kept giving people year after year after year. Like I remember the late seventies and just seeing like, like 78, you know, and you'd see this whole list of kids who had it. And they would just have like, you know, 77, 78 would be me, then somebody the year before was 76, 77. And it would go all the way back to like the early sixties or mid sixties. So they'd buy textbooks like once every 15 years, you know, your mother went out and bought you a new pair of sneakers and a couple pairs of tough skins.

Right. You had hammy down shirts from the older brother and all you had to do was show up with the fucking pencil and you were ready to get in. I don't know, they had, they had paper. That's what they need. They need the me paper or whatever. And these just, you know, hand out these fucking old textbooks. That was it. That's all they had to do. And now the kids, what do they got? They got to have, they got to have the phones.

They got to have the fucking iPads, computers and all this shit. Maybe that's what it is. The overhead for each fucking kid is like, like the amount of money that they spend on like one kid is probably what they spent on like a hundred. Well, Bill, did you do any research to see if that math worked out? Of course not. The fuck podcast you think you're listening to, this podcast is not about actual information.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS novelties. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie

in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson, or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. All right. Loot crate everybody. Give me the loop. Be the envy of your friends and get your 100% exclusive crates at loot crate.com slash burr. Enter my code burr to say $3 off any new subscription.

Isn't that a movie? Some paper boy screaming $3. That's the one where the guy held the boombox over his head. Don't you forget about me. June's loot crate theme is alter ego. Alter ego, or as I call it, my drunk self. What do you mean the Beatles are overrated? Can I get the hash browns?

Loot crate offers an epic range of pop culture items for less than $20 a month. If you're more of a fanatical fashionista, then try loot wear. This isn't Wu wear. This has nothing to do with the Wu Tang. This is loot wear. Monthly wearables and accessories with cult classics and your favorite franchises. If you want to get fancy man, get a bigger box with even bigger loot with loot crate DX. Want to geek out with your pet?

Try loot pets. Offer expires June 19th at 9 p.m. Pacific. How do you geek out with your pet? I didn't know the dogs have that ability. They freak out. In June, you run around in a circle with your pet peeing on the floor. In June's loot crate, you'll find items from Spiderman, my favorite. Transformers, the Hulk, another one I like that I relate to.

I can be a big green drunk myself. The DC Comics. One lucky subscriber will also win a mega crate. Mega crate. Not mega church. No Joel Osteen here. This is mega crate of seriously epic proportions. You have until the 19th at 9 p.m. Pacific to subscribe and receive that month's crate.

And when the cutoff happens, that's it. It's over. Go to lootcrate.com slash burn. Enter my code burr and save $3 off on any new subscription today. All right, what'd you guys think of that read? I thought that that was pretty nice, but you know what? I think I can be even more pleasant. Lift.

When you drive the right ride sharing app, every trip can feel like a walk in the park. With lift, I can't do this shit. With lift, you can pick your own hours and work when you want. Lift can make driving the best job in the world. Lift. You know what? I wish they had this when I was a kid because I would have done this and I had an 83 Ford Ranger. And I would either have some weirdo sitting next to me or I would just throw him in the back of the truck.

Sorry, ladies. Lift is a ride sharing company that believes in treating its people better. Lift believes that being a ride sharing driver should be fun. If you're having a good time, so are the passengers. If you're choosing a ride sharing company to drive for, go with the company that treats you better. Lift. Lift offers in-app tipping. When you drive for lift, you can keep 100% of the tips.

Drivers have been paid over $150 million in tips since the feature was introduced. Isn't that amazing that that level of cash even exists out there? Express, well, I guess there's over 300 million people out there, Bill. And if every other person had a dollar, you'd have $150 million. Express Pay lets drivers get paid almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks. Lift has taken the guesswork out of pickups. The new app devices uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers. You can earn hundreds of dollars a week plus tips.

Want to make more money? Drive more. It's never been easier to give yourself a raise. It's a simple formula. Happy drivers being happy passengers, man. Maybe that's why nine out of 10 lift drivers get a perfect five-star rating. I don't know what happened to the other guy. So join the ride sharing company that believes in treating its people better.

Go to lift.com slash burr today and you can get a $500 new driver bonus. That's lift.com slash burr. Lift.com slash burr. Hi! Lift.com slash burr. Limited time only to terms apply. I've always wanted to say that. That's not our fault if we kill your kid.

All right, me on these. Oh, me on these. Me on these. Don't be a dick when you read the advertising. The advertising will take the money away and then you'll bleed. Right in your fucking soft underwear. Your balls are bleeding and you should care. Nobody wants bloody nuts and you'll never have those with fucking me on these.

Elevate your underwear game to the next level with me on these. You perfected your wardrobe. But what about the stuff not everybody gets to see? If you've been settling for store-bought underwear five packs, I have something that will change your life for the better. It's me on these. What's the first thing you put on and the last thing you take off? Cologne? Glitter?

Are you a stripper? Do you go to strip clubs? If you're a regular person, it's underwear. Make your most important piece of clothing the best it can be with me on these. Me on these softer than soft luxury undies come in an ever-changing selection of classic colors. Bold shapes. Bold shapes. I mean, what how many different sizes like asses and hips can you?

I guess they have patterns. I don't know. I don't I don't design underwear and adventurous patterns. So you can tailor your undies to make your own personal style. They mean like banana hammock versus boxer style. That's what they mean by shapes. You know, who would have thought you could dress your dick up? In so many different ways.

And guess what? You can save time and money each month with a monthly subscription. And if you're not ready for a subscription, that's okay. You can still save. That's because me undies is offering you 20% off your first pair. Just use our special URL meundies.com slash burn. Get 20% off your first pair. So go ahead, revamp your underwear droa.

You deserve it. Once again, the meundies.com slash burn. That's meundies.com slash burn. Meundies.com slash burn. Oh my god. This is like affecting my mood. I'm reading these so pleasantly. MVMT movement.

Movement watches pronounced movement was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank. The watchmaker's goal is to change the way you consumers think about fashion by offering high quality, minimalist products at a revolutionary price. With over 100 million watches sold to customers in 160 plus countries around the world, world, world, world. Movement watches has solidified itself as the world's fastest growing watch company. Movement watches started just $95, man.

At a department store, you're looking at four to 500 bucks. You know why? Because they have to pay rent at the department store. Not these guys. These guys are in a one bedroom apartment. They're like a bunch of hoarders sitting there with all their watches, waiting for you to spend 95 bucks so they can breathe again and maybe get into some sort of functional fucking relationship.

Movement figured out that by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman. That's the department store. And retail markup, providing the best possible price, classic design, quality construction, and style the minimalism over 1 million watches sold in over 160 countries. I wonder if any dictators have on a movement watch. You know what I mean?

Get 50% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to movementwatches.com. I mean, 160 countries. Are there 160 democracies out there? What has happened to democracy? I don't know. The watch has a really clean design. Seriously.

You'll be getting compliments every the second you put the fucking thing on. Movement watches makes a great gift, whether you're celebrating a graduation, sorry, or your dad's father's day. Father's Day movement is the perfect place to shop. Father's Day, go to movement.com slash burr. Father's Day, join the movement.

Get the old man a watch. Policy genius. This is the last one. All right, you bastards. If you don't have life insurance, what would happen financially if something happened to the primary earner? Dude, I have to tell you, if you've got a family,

you've got a family bank. You've got to fucking do it, okay? You have to do it. I didn't want to do this for the longest time because it reminded me that I was going to die, but I got to tell you something. Now that I have it, now that I have life insurance, I swear to God, you know,

I'm going to get a motorcycle without a helmet. Poppin' wheelies driving down the street, just screaming at my wife, it's okay, I have life insurance. You're going to be fine. That's, you know, something. You don't want your last dying words on the side of the road

to look in your wife's eyes and say, I'm sorry. This street I'm dying in, you're now going to be living it. Don't you want to look at her and be like it's going to be fine? You're going to be all set, you know, before you slip off into the abyss.

I'm trying to say you got to get life insurance, but I want an easy way to do it. Policy genius. Life insurance is a good idea to protect the ones around you, but where do you go to get the best prices and the best policy? With the best service?

Policygenius.com. For all you dopes out there, genius is spelled G-E-N-I-U-S. Not J-E-A-N-U-S. Policy.com is the best online life insurance marketplace. The most accurate quotes from the top A-rated life insurance companies. Policygenius has placed over $5 billion

in life insurance for people like you. Policygenius has a very simple user-friendly website to shop and compare all the top-rated life insurance companies and give you the best options. And they have a licensed customer service team to help you find the best policy at the best price. While you're there,

check out their other insurance offerings like pet insurance. Yeah, you don't want your pet to die in the road and be looking up at you like, you know, this is going to really be lonely. You know, when your pet dies, you want to know that you can run right out with tears in your eyes and get another one immediately.

Immediately replace your other dog. Go to policygenius.com to save over 40% of, you know, like second you break up with someone, you run out and you get into another relationship. 40% off prices for life insurance. When life insurance companies compete for your business, you save money. That's policygenius, P-O-L-I-C-Y-G-E-N-I-U-S.com.

Zero jargon, zero sales pressure, zero hassles, man. Life insurance made easy. Free quotes, zero hassle, peace of mind, don't wait. Go to policygenius.com today. All right, I think that's the podcast for today. Oh, who's coming down the street? Who's got freckled feet? It's Billy and he's having no fun.

That's who I'm going to be over the next, fuck it, I don't know how long. Oh, Billy, no fun. What can I do to improve my life? I know, have less fun. That's how it works. That's what aging is. You know what my problem is lately?

I've been having too much fun. But the problem is, is once you're a fucking adult, you know, and once you move out, your parents aren't, your mothers are not there anymore to tell you to, you know, to fucking knock it off. You have to have your own, you got to be your own fucking parent. I think I used to do a bit on this.

Am I becoming a parody of myself? Do you guys believe in that? Can you be a parody yourself? Or does what it really means is you've figured, people have figured you out and they're used to what you do. How can you be impersonating yourself? Didn't that guy from fucking Credence Clearwater Revival, didn't he get sued for sounding like Credence?

John Fogarty, his former manager sued him for sounding too much like Credence Clearwater Revival. And he actually, actually, he actually had to go to fucking trial. How many times did I just say, actually, new drinking game? Every time Bill says, actually, you have to do a shot, laughing my ass off while shaking my head. Yeah, John Fogarty actually got fucking sued for sounding like too much like Credence Clearwater Revival.

I think that he had a first ballot, hall of fame, fucking piece of shit manager, you know what I mean? He had one of the worst managers of all goddamn time is what I'm trying to say. I'm turning this day around, people. This is the new sober me who's that walking down the street. That's the new my new theme song. Who's the guy with the freckled feet?

It's Billy and he's having no fun. I'm going to sing that to my wife. That's how I'm going to wake her up. She likes a silly song. Do you like a silly song? Do you like the songs that make the whole world sing? I have a new song for you. Now, you've maybe heard of this band, okay?

Now, I'm not saying they're as good as Oasis. I'm not saying they're as good as Nickelback, all right? I don't want to start a fucking debate here, but Mute Math has a new funk and sing-along. I believe it's called Hit Parade and I think that's what you're going to be listening to next. Mute Math is this amazing band that the Monday morning podcast owned Andrew Thamelis. He was the first guy that told me about them and I've seen them in concert two or three times. They're absolutely fucking amazing.

I mean, I don't know if this is going to make you want to get on an elliptical. I don't know if this is going to make you want to get on an elliptical. I don't know if this band passes the leg warmer test that my buddies use when they listen to the bands, but I do think that this will actually make you want to at least, I don't know, maybe touch your toes a couple of times. I have no idea. Please enjoy Mute Math. Please enjoy your weekend, your cunts.

I'm going to Montreal, one of my favorite cities, and on Sunday, I'm going to the Formula One race and I'm going to watch the Ferraris and the Mercedes and all those fucking guys driving around the track. It's going to be fucking amazing. I cannot believe that I'm going to that and that's it. I'm continuing with my privileged white male life. It's unbelievable and I only wish people who weren't white male heterosexuals could understand just like, do you have any fucking idea what it's like to be me right now? I'm going to open my door and there's going to be a little gold coin in a USA today

given to me by the government. I shouldn't tell you this, but that's how white I am. The government thanks me every day for it. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Monday. I just tried to touch my screen like this is my iPhone. Billy No Fun has to kick into overdrive here. All right, enjoy the music.

Oh So Oh Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday dear me Happy birthday to me What's going on is Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast that I'm actually doing on Wednesday, June 10th 2009 My 41st birthday and I'm on the road and I'm gonna be on the road here for a while and

I'm on the road for a month And I didn't bring my microphone. I didn't bring my mixer. I didn't bring any of that shit So the next four podcasts are gonna sound like this Which isn't too bad, but it isn't too great either, but Yeah, it's my fucking birthday, and I'm in New York City, and I'm all by myself And I don't give a fuck You know, I'm gonna go eat some oatmeal and take a walk in the park. Huh like a fucking old bastard Jesus Christ 41 what happened?

Um Anyways for those of you new to my page This is the Monday morning podcast that I usually do on Monday, and then I can't figure out how to fucking upload it so it usually doesn't come out till Tuesday or sometimes until Wednesday and For my 14 actually 13 after that fucking chick flipped out on me last week My 13 listeners fuck that there's gotta be still 14 somebody came on this week I like saying 14 so for my 14 listeners out there The reason why it's taking me till Wednesday to put this thing up is because

On Monday some of you might have seen I did the tonight show with Conan O'Brien And I had the unbelievable honor of being the first comedian to be on the tonight show under the Conan O'Brien regime It went awesome. I kind of felt like I was eating my balls up front but You know when your first joke the first punch line is that's what you get you dumb bitch I don't know how many laughs you can expect if I could have done the set over I probably would have Probably opened with the thing about the girl at the restaurant

Commenting on how many Asians were in the restaurant, but then that would have been weird because What would the first laugh be this is gonna seem oddly racist and then I Was like well This is gonna be awesome And if I said that was my first joke then they'd be like wow is this guy like openly racist Is this what the tonight show under the Conan O'Brien regime is gonna be like But no, it was it ended up going great

I finally got him on board right after I was trashing children And I started talking about microchipping people and then they got on board and it went great right after that and the setups incredible and It was it was awesome, man. I'm looking forward to hopefully doing 9,000 more because it was I Don't know it was quite a rush and for those of you who aren't comedians and you want to know what it's like To do something like that Those sets are actually for me. Anyways, I find those that they're a lot harder than

Than actually doing half hour or hour specials because It's only four and a half minutes you can't curse and It's so easy to bomb It's it's literally the stand-up version. You're just walking out there with a gun to your head For basically four and a half minutes going. Huh? Am I funny? Am I still funny? How about now? Did you like that one? Oh? Thank God. Good night. That's basically the way it is and this is the first time I've had to work out a four and a half minutes set in Los Angeles, which is a difficult thing to do

And I want to thank the the improv and the comedy store for letting me run the set a bunch of times, but Those LA crowds are not New York crowds. I don't want to start a little fucking biggie Tupac thing going on here, but One of the last times I did my fucking set. I Went on in front of like eight people and I'm literally waiting to go on and this girl comes in bleach blonde hair She's talking on her cell phone Walking right up to the second row is some poor bastards on stage just eating his balls or doing whatever you're doing for an eight people, right and

You know, she's one of the eight and she's walking in on her phone completely oblivious Not talking loud, but you know I was just laughing at myself going like that is a classic LA moment right there. So then I went up to run my set And I'm thinking You know, this was literally the night before I was gonna do it and I was like, all right Don't like the fact that there's only eight people in the crowd fuck with you You know, just do your thing just commit to everything. This is no joke You know

The fuck we're doing it tomorrow night and I went up and I proceeded to ever so slowly Just munch my balls for fucking five minutes or whatever and To the end I to the point where I got to the final joke and I didn't even say it I just said, you know what you people suck and Then I started ripping on the girl With the blonde hair and the cell phone And she's like, oh my god, I'm sorry and I'm like, no, you're not you're just embarrassed

Okay, I hate when people do that, you know You call them out on their stuff How do you not know how fucking rude that is I Think I said to work like to the crowd the can't even say the crowd to the group To the family of seven the other seven fucking people I was like, can you imagine being that good looking where you're not even aware that that's rude To do something like that. I mean, I'm talking like walking right up to the stage on your cell phone She didn't seem to be talking maybe she was just listening to messages

Maybe I was just freaking out cuz every other time I did my set. I was fucking bombing So anyways, so I ended my set on the tonight show and I felt like I bombed Just because up front, you know, they were a little quiet and But I knew I pulled it out but everybody was nice at the show and everybody was thrilled so I was thrilled and Had a real embarrassing moment after I got off stage was it's weird when you do those things it they just go by so fucking fast and I literally, you know, they wrapped up the end of the show and

As always whenever I stand next to Conan, I look like I'm five foot two and That half the emails I get are great set. Wow Conan is really tall and yes He is really tall and no, I am not five foot five. I'm about five foot ten just under and I don't know what the fuck he is, but He's a tall individual so anyway, so I walk off stage and all my you know manager agent and All these people and my girlfriend are staying there and I'm so like fucking like was it good What's it good? Everyone's going good job. Good job, and I shook everybody's hand and my girlfriend literally goes great job, honey, and I shook her hand

Like she was fucking a PA And She literally goes just shaking my hand what the fuck and then everyone started laughing at me and I was really really embarrassed I felt like an idiot. I tried to explain how I was I was in my head. I Don't know then I realized it did go awesome And everyone was smiling and and I knew it went great I could just tell just the way people people you know when it doesn't go great That there's not a bunch of people standing there

Backstage and when you know there are people they tend to be looking down at the floor or Acting as though they have to get out of there. No, no, no, it was good It was good, and then they fucking beat it and then you want to fucking jump off a building So fortunately that didn't happen and I got a ton of great emails Of people complimenting me on my set. I want to thank everybody who sent those in because You know that was that was a really You know first guy to be on the cone and O'Brien tonight show I gotta tell you guys that's as big as anything I've done so

I'm flying pretty high right now and I want to thank all you guys for all the really supportive great emails that you guys sent me it really You know I was definitely One of those points in your career where you sit back for a second make sure you take it in so I want to thank everybody and I'd read all the good emails, but those ones are never funny But you know what our funny are the ones when I get trashed. So why don't I read one of those? Okay? This is an email that is

About my tonight show set and it is titled in all capitals No more shiny suits All right, here we go Strap in for this one Bill I was so happy to see you on Kona tonight I am a huge fan for years and I was so excited to see you perform But what the fuck are you thinking with the shiny suits? This shiny gray suit with the shiny purple shirt was positively all capitals

distracting Whoever is in charge of your wardrobe needs to be cut if it is your girlfriend She needs to understand the East Coast West Coast difference difference LA is pretty much a bunch of I Don't know what this word is P. R. O. G. E. N. Y Progeny she trying to say phony anyways is a bunch of Some things of Hollywood or Stanford or modeling companies You are the Boston blue collar hockey loving reality spewing comedian

Comedian you are the dude who only wears a suit to funerals and maybe weddings Am I I didn't know that if it was Conan show who made you wear that they are idiots I Have you know sweetheart. I love suits and I love wearing them. I Love that. I'm the blue blue collar. I can fucking barely hammer a nail. What cuz I say fuck a lot I love how people just they just think like you're this one-dimensional Individual I do love hockey, but that doesn't mean I can't wear a suit. I Don't even know

Are you doing like a caricature of? of a person really He says fuck a lot that means he only wears two alright, let's just read the rest of this alright if it was Conan show Alright, okay, the battery joke was great, but otherwise I could not stop thinking. Why is he wearing that shiny suit? What's going on? Was that really what you were thinking You're watching me I can see you going why is he wearing that shiny suit, but did you literally think what's going on? Did you think something happened?

Like they fucking they stuck a microchip in the back of my head. What's going on? What have they done to him? Anyways, you dated yourself so much Especially since you are growing your hair again, which I think is a great idea Sweetheart, I'm actually growing it because I am doing a small part in a movie and they asked me to grow it back out and The second it's over. I'm shaving it again Alright, so but I'm glad you think it's a great idea. Anyways wearing a suit You did not look like yourself at all capital letters I have been a fan since I saw you on the Cam Neely special over 15 years ago

And you have always been that guy who says what everyone thinks But please do not ever wear that suit on stage again Jesus Christ was it that bad anyways your comedy is very street quotes every man quotes and socially and racially inclusive But to see you wearing an awful shiny Early 90s outfit was almost heartbreaking

But even even worse it was all capitals Distracting I just kept thinking good God. He is a cute guy. What the hell is he wearing? You thought all this and four and a half fucking minutes It keeps going here. We go it is part of your routine to be the regular guy in quotes Quotes again regular guys do not wear suits on Monday nights Get on your jeans and casual button-down shirt and your audience will laugh again What did you have a feed to everyone who enjoys my comedy? Anyways, she said I'm in New York City the opinion that LA tried to start trends

What the opinion that LA tried to start trends, but only New York City can do it is true Bring back the real Bill Burr. I love the real Bill Burr How fucked up is that I Just emailed her back and I just wrote you are out of your mind God there was so much funkin hilarious shit. I love that she felt it was so distracting I thought when it was over, please do not ever wear a suit on stage again I you would think that at that point, you know 27 paragraphs She had made her point and she goes back into it again saying I'm very street very every man sweetheart

You don't know anything about me. I grew up in the suburbs. It was very safe. My parents are professionals We just happened to grow up in a blue-collar town. I Lived on the east coast so all of us sound like we understand plumbing. I don't I do have a little toolbox My knowledge of car engines are changing the oil and the air filter. I tried to change a fuel filter I did that a couple times successfully and one time. I actually at least snapped it off and I had to have my truck towed down to To the fucking garage and I told the guy I snapped it off and I left the fuel filter on the seat

Evidently he didn't listen to me and one of his guys got in the car started the truck up Gas went all over the engine and my truck burned the ground and then the guy tried to call me up and gorilla his way through it You know Going what the fuck you told me you twisted it We just had a fire that's what he kept saying we just had a fire. I was like no dude. You just had a fire Okay, I told you I twist you said you snap. Yeah, you said you twisted. I said no I said I snapped it off. I go. I left a fucking fuel filter right on the goddamn seat He goes you know what I'm so fucking sick you guys, you know you start the jobs and you fuck it up and then you bring it down to me

Yeah My truck is broken fix it you fucking cunt. You're a mechanic What are people other people bring cars in that are totally fixed? That's a whole nother fucking story And now you're probably saying well look it look it you drove a truck that means your blue collar. No it doesn't It doesn't I just you know it was a car. There was a truck and I you know I could afford it and I was 17 So I bought it

I also had this idea that I was gonna deliver papers in the morning and make some more money You know and then I'd also have my afternoon job because that's what I was into and When I told people at school that that's what I was gonna do. They were all like to what you're gonna be a paper boy What are you a fag and then I immediately? ditched that idea because I had no confidence in myself and Then I had some stupid truck that I didn't use But that's a whole nother story And getting back to me in the suit

Shiny suit in real life, it's not shiny. I can't help HD television HD television makes everything look way more fucking vivid You know like colors. I mean come on, you know When you go to a baseball game, can you see the pores of the players? I mean it's fucking it's too weird, man I'm actually not a fan of HD TV I wish they had the big screen TVs and they just went back to regular TV because I'm not really a fan of that and as far as your New York City, Los Angeles Your big finger on the pulse of fashion that was actually I bought it at Barney's in New York in

LA I get what do they not have the suits that they have in New York and it was also I believe it was a Gucci suit which is made in Italy so that has nothing to do with Los Angeles and I'm not street, and I'm not every man Okay, you know you sound like a casting director Yeah, so I just wrote back to her you are out of your mind because I wasn't really gonna waste the fucking time of You know, I don't know trying to fucking explain all that but you know, that's what happens people

That's what happens when you that's the internet You know what the fuck was I don't give a shit you could fucking literally I don't know cure a disease and there would still be somebody Go in what the fuck were you thinking? you know Cure in cancer Do you realize what that's gonna do the world's already overpopulated and what the fuck was with those shiny scrubs

Anyways, who gives a fuck who gives a fuck I got to do the tonight show actually actually when that that email came out I got it probably about Maybe three hours after I did the tonight show and it's really funny living on the west coast because Obviously, I'm used to living on the east coast and when you're on the east coast you take the show Just before 6 p.m. Is when you go on they take from five to six so you got five hours before anybody sees it but

You know and then people out in LA, you know, it's eight hours and then you tape it out in LA It's like you do it and literally three hours later people are Sending you emails about it. So I just you know, I went out and I had a steak dinner and all that stuff had a great fucking time Felt like a million bucks and I was sitting there and when I got the email I actually I read it to my girlfriend and we got a we both had a really big laugh when we were reading it just Just how long it was and And her description of me I Don't know Jesus Christ me talking about this is almost as long as the fucking email

Yeah, so there you go with that email. You actually learned some shit about me. I happened to love suits I love wearing them and But not shitty suits You know, I really don't like wearing shitty suits and to be honest with you anytime. I do a late-night Talk show I always go out and I buy a brand new suit and I always go to Barney's and I usually spend three times what I'm making on Whatever the talk show is and the talk show you get paid scale which is I Don't know what the fuck is it like 900 bucks

so, you know, I Don't know if that lady who wrote it if you're listening if you wonder why I wear a suit It's because the host of the show is wearing a suit. You know I'm saying you dress for the room I'm not gonna come out there and look like somebody they just pulled out of the crowd. You know, it's funny I really have to explain this every fucking time I do I Do the I do one of these late-night talk shows I don't understand why people You know, don't just notice when the actors come out. They're all wearing suits. They're all dressed up. They wear a jacket

You dress nice women come out, you know dressed to the nines You know, I guess people who are characters and maybe whores Didn't Madonna come out with like no panties on one time or something was that will Farrell or he just came out wearing leather panties I can't fuck it remember. I I don't know. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. I love the suit and I love the shirt and You know, I got quite a collection now. I think I got like five or six of them Got a couple of navy blues. I got a nice brown one. I Got one other one. I don't know what the fuck color it is

I said, you know, I'm gonna go with a nice charcoal gray this time You know and then get a shirt underneath to make it pop bang zoom, you know But evidently it was unbelievably unbelievably distracting Jesus Christ believe it or not. I'm 22 minutes into this fucking podcast. I was really worried that I Wasn't gonna have enough shit this week because I can't get on the internet here in my hotel room All right, so what can I talk about here to fucking flesh this out and give you a nice half hour Got to give you at least a half hour here Yeah, so I'm in New York and I'm gonna be doing my next I

think I got five or six more days shooting on this film and I'm having the time of my life and Even though I'm only shooting six days and I'm out here for a month I am going to be going down to the set watching the other actors trying to learn that whole side of this business because I've obviously I don't know. I've never done a big movie before and it's pretty It's pretty it's pretty amazing. It's pretty amazing. So I'm trying to figure out

You know, just go down there and watch the actors that know what the hell they're doing how they do different takes and they do all that type of stuff and I Don't know. It's pretty pretty awesome time in my life. It's the exact reason why I moved out to LA I wanted to start getting bit parts and movies and You know, yeah, and just keep doing stand-up and that's what the fuck I'm doing And I don't know I don't know what the fuck to tell you. It's my birthday. So I don't know what I'm gonna do I don't know what I'm gonna do. I got a fucking workout. I had the worst goddamn pizza last night here in New York I couldn't believe it. I've had better pizza in LA. I

Ordered for one of those famous rays Pizza places which you know, aren't the best. I know I'm gonna get a ton of emails going Oh, what are you out of your fucking mind famous rays fucking sucks over the You got to go down to fucking what the fuck is that place right off of 6th Avenue down the village. I know where that place is it literally Joe's pizza whatever the fuck it is I'm actually a fan of Sutton pizza over on 1st Avenue just a couple of blocks north of Dangerfields, I don't know why I like it. There's something about their sauce gives a nice little zing. Oh

And also I used to live up that way and that used to be my last spot of the night Back in the day when I used to live in New York when they I guess nowadays they're booking the clubs a month at a time but back in the day, you know when I moved to New York in 1995 children And they didn't have hybrid cars and they couldn't listen to your phone calls um It was unbelievable to be a comedian to be a young young comic moving to New York City and You basically on the weekend you could do anywhere from eight shows all the way up to like

Maybe like 10 or 11 once you got up to 10 It was pretty much pushing it and how you would do it is you would put your avails in With all the clubs around the city and I used to work the comic strip. That was the first club I got into and there was the Boston Comedy Club the comedy cellar stand up New York And then later on was Dangerfields What I finally got into there and you just leave in each each club left you left your veils on different days so you could kind of set it up and

You could just do a run all the way around the city and you'd just leave a veils. Hey, this is Bill Burr I'm leaving my avails For this weekend just to let you know I got a 920 at the comic strip and I got an 1125 spot at stand up New York And then the cellar would work around those spots give you a couple more Boston Comedy Club would give you a couple more and then you would just start your night and You know you jump in a cab you do your spot you'd run out you grab a cab Then you go downtown back up town back downtown back

You know what the funny thing was is you end up blowing half your fucking gig money on Doing like a cab and all the comics you just be running around town doing spots and You know people sometimes that your spots would be really close together and you'd call a buddy of yours Dude, what time's your next spot? Can you do me favorite? Can you do the 1125 and then I'll do your 1150 spot? Can you do that just because I have a alright man? Okay, okay? I'll cover for you, and it was just fucking amazing. It was fucking amazing and like And then the end of the night you get 50 bucks a spot Cash and then the end of the night

You just you'd have this big water cash and your pocket and you hang out with all your other comedy friends your Comedian friends, and you get a slice of pizza, and then you just sit stand around You know it'd probably be like two in the morning two thirty in the morning You do your last spot, and then you just stand around breaking balls until like four or five in the morning as the Sun's coming up and At that point I was actually living in an apartment with Robert Kelly hilarious comedian one of my great friends in this business and I remember

You know I was way back in the day, and we'd be coming home and the Sun would be coming up and everybody we'd be getting ready to go off to work and And you just felt like you were getting away with murder it was literally the Stand-up comedy version of good fellas. It's the closest I ever felt like I was in good fellas was when I would come home and the Sun was coming up and You know that whole little Narration Where whatever Ray Liotta talks about fucking what it was like to be in the mob

How they didn't pay for shit and all the regular people who went to work or a bunch of saps That's literally what you felt like you just saw everybody going to fucking work and you're just like yeah I'm not I think I'm gonna go fucking sleep till two in the afternoon Get up play video games, and then fucking do this all over again It was great. It was a fucking great time of my life, and I swear to God. I still Even with all the cool shit that I did this week I swear to God it's dead like that part of my career. That's it's still on par with everything that happened this week I don't know look at me having a little touching podcast here little fine shit. I'd like little fucking

Memories I left out a lot of shit like all the fucking psycho chicks I used to date and the chick who fucking stalked me and All that type of stuff that was a fucking so it wasn't all good But you know what I mean you tend to romanticize the shit when you're younger I'm actually sitting here right now looking at a picture of my dog Cleo, and I can't tell you how much I miss that fucking dog. I absolutely love that dog It's ridiculous

Fucking dog was not even in my life like a month ago and now like I'm already thinking about That you know someday the dog's gonna die and how fucking awful I'm gonna feel but It's the greatest fucking dog in the planet. It's just it's awesome It's awesome, and my girlfriend actually took it out over to a friend's house who also had a dog And it's the first time it was off the leash, and you know it's still a puppy It's still like a year and a half, and I guess once it realized it was off the leash It was running around like a maniac having the time of its life And I missed it, and I was unbelievably depressed that I missed it

I literally felt like I missed my first born taking its first steps and Yeah, I don't tell you I fucking love that dog if you're thinking about getting a dog if there's any way you can do it You got to do it. It's the greatest thing ever and go down to the pound and grab one dude. They're free Fuck all this this rescuing shit. I hate when people say that I rescued it like you pulled that out of a fire You know You got it for free. All right, you're not a hero. You're a cheap fuck No, I know it's a great thing to do You know what you like you like and Landers there and that show in that movie dead man walking Susan Sarandon

That's her name You know that's what you like if you actually could have saved Sean Penn. That's what you like But anyways, I don't want the fuck else to talk tell you about it told you a lot of personal stories So I feel like I did my goddamn job this week and About those Red Sox, huh? Here's where all the Yankee fans are like you motherfucker you motherfucker. I am a motherfucker All right, we've beaten you six games in a row. How does that feel? How does that feel with your 400 million dollars on three people?

Huh old AJ Burnett out there looking like he's in deliverance You know, he looked like he should have been sitting outside of fucking gas station in the 40s in the south Why doesn't his uniform fit? I want to send him a big long fucking email I really appreciate you serving up all those meatballs to the Red Sox, but your uniform was so distracting You're from the Toronto Blue Jays. You're a hockey loving fucking pubic haired mustache. I don't know Um Anyways, I got a buddy of mine a comedian. He's a big-time fucking Yankee fan And he keeps trying to get all excited about this team and I'm just like I just keep breaking his balls going dude

You guys spent four million dollars on three fucking guys You should be in first place There's no excitement when you spend that kind of fucking money You know That's what I can't stand about Yankee fans is they actually have the nerve to get excited About the team that they bought You know, it's obnoxious. What you have is fucking obnoxious. It's like it's like a bunch of ninth graders playing a bunch of third graders You know, hey, do you see the fucking Yankees? Oh, they fucking swept the Royals over there

Yeah, they spend 90 times what the fucking Royals spent you know Why don't you do what the Red Sox do you add a couple of big-time free agents? Then you let your farm tea. Oh, that's right. You're not a good organization, but you got a lot of money Look at you and you're 0 and 6 against the Red Sox, you know, that's got to hurt Hey, I saw somebody do a thing this when I was in this is there's a there's a sports guy here in New York that I really like He used to wear sweaters all the time. I don't know what his name is He's got the white hair and he's got a really hardcore New York accent. He's on TV and

I Don't know he you know talk about a regular guy He really seems like a sports bar like the kind of guy who hangs out in a sports bar You know when he'd sit around breaking balls and that type of shit, but you know, he's on TV wearing a suit Why do you think that is sweetheart? Maybe cuz he's on TV. He wants to look presentable I forget the guy's name, but I really like him. You know, he's like the Yankees were up in Boston and they didn't do nothing He literally talks like that. He's fucking great, but he was talking about you know What's the biggest rivalry in sports and people keep saying the Yankees red socks and

I Don't know. I don't know if it is anymore, you know, it's weird It's weird somebody was trying to say it ended in 2004 But you know, it's funny was people used to say before 2004 like dude This isn't even a rivalry a rivalry is when you got two evenly matched teams for the most part and they go back and forth And I can definitely tell you before 2004. We did not go back and forth We got our asses handed to us So now it actually is a rivalry

Because we do go back and forth, but the weird fucking thing is It was all about breaking the curse and now that we did it You know to have 86 years of shit talking hanging over your head to be lifted. I don't know It's it's really not the same thing. I was talking to a buddy of mine about that last night on the phone and I don't know. I think that you have to see it on HBO I saw this thing about the Ohio State Buckeye, Michigan Wolverine rivalry and I challenge any Yankee or Red Sox fan to watch that thing and to and you and to act as though Fucking Red Sox Yankees is at that level because I got news for you. It isn't those people are fucking maniacs out there

I actually went to a Michigan Ohio State game. How great is my fucking life the hell was I doing? I was doing some sort of road gig and I I got some I Got tickets to it This is back. All the only guy I can really remember was playing was that wide receiver Boston for Ohio State was playing was the late 90s and I Don't fucking know all I know is I've never been to a sporting of a hundred thousand like a hundred and five thousand people

showed up 105 fucking thousand people and there was like another 30,000 people outside trying to buy tickets. I You know, the only other thing I've seen bigger than that is the Indianapolis 500 Which I don't know how many people that fucking holds, but I mean You're talking about cars going 200 miles an hour so and there's people surrounding the entire thing I Kind of lost track there. I don't what the fuck I'm trying to say every time I went to fucking the Indianapolis 500 It's it's a fucking great time. You can bring your own booze in there You bring it you get you get like this is what you do. You just buy as much fucking beer as humanly possible

Don't get hard stuff because you're gonna pass out by the far halfway through the race, right? And you're gonna hit by some debris, but you bring a fucking cooler in there and it's all these fucking crazy redneck fans and You know the cars just go flying by You can't really see shit All you do is hope that somebody crashes in front of you and then when they do they hit the wall and then they just keep fucking going It's not like they hit the wall and just stop You know they hit the wall is just it's like a fucking cartoon

That's all you hear you just stand there and you just hear him coming around the corner. He's here That she's usually the first guy the last guy and then they're kind of bunched together you just hear It's pretty good, right? Because I fucking heard it for about four goddamn hours getting shit-faced and there's nothing to do So what you do is you go in there and I don't know there's like 40 cars or something like that that race and Everybody just starts gambling Right and if you're there with four other guys each he gets ten fucking cars and everybody throws in a hundred bucks And then you just start looking for your guys

Right and all of a sudden they're going around next time they come back around You notice one of you guys is a day like what the fuck happened to him and then you're like god damn it he hit the wall Shit, I'm down to nine guys and actually it actually stays interesting. I went two years in a row I went in 95 and in 96 and I definitely recommend it. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here people I Don't even know I don't have my fucking computers on because I'm in this hotel and I can't sign up for the goddamn the internet so I don't know I'm gonna be in New York for a month and I'm gonna be popping around the clubs doing spots I haven't left the veils yet, but if you're in the New York City area and you want to watch me and

A bunch of other great comics. I'll probably be going up down the cellar. Maybe the comic strip Carolines I'll probably pop into Gotham all these fucking places and I'll be doing ten minutes trying out some new shit and I'll be in a great mood Because that's what I always find is this euphoria after you do one of those late-night talk shows because you got to do it You got the rush of doing it and it went well and the pressure of doing it is lifted and You know and then it's your birthday and you're like I'm gonna go buy a fucking slice a red velvet cake That's what I'm gonna do

You know I should that's what I should do and stick a candle in it and just start singing happy birthday to myself And just see if anybody else in the restaurant either joins in or if they just look at me like I'm a complete psycho I Wish I had the acting chops to start singing that to myself and then actually breaking down crying. I wonder if I would Fuck all right, so that's it. That's the Monday morning podcast. I did here on Wednesday. Sorry took me a couple days but I had a big week and Sorry about the production value of the podcast isn't gonna be that good Over the next couple of weeks as I hang in here in New York and that said, I hope all you guys have a great week and and that is it and

Happy birthday to me I Tell me something Is I I I I

Was number one I Warm things up this spring with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy While flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties Described as small but mighty the rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in us novelties Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size Shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's comm