Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-8-23

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

Bill rambles about NHL playoffs, getting away from it all, and getting it under control. Indochino:  Go to www.Indochino.com and use code BURR to get 10% off any purchase of $399 or more SimpliSafe:  Right now, get 20% off your new system when you sign up for Interactive Monitoring at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burner's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in to see how your week's going. I've been watching a lot of sports. Hey, by the way, by the fucking way, if you listen to my last podcast, kind everything that I said was gonna happen both in the basketball Finals and the Stanley Cup final kind of happened You know, and I didn't see you one fucking person one tweet one twittle One fucking Instagram nothing going like hey man. That was a good call You know

Well, I will reiterate what did I say after game one when the fucking Nuggets semi blew out the Miami heat Even though they cut it down to nine I said with a fucking end of the game Jimmy Butler was already strategized and whatever the fucking word is that would have made me nervous. I said something like that. I didn't say, I guess I didn't say they're definitely going to win game two. But I don't know. All right, you got me on that one. All right, but the fucking the hockey one.

You know, when I was talking about, I was waiting for that fucking call since 2018, 2019, I Told you the Florida Panthers are a six with a bunch of makeup on and then everybody thinks they're a fucking 10 They don't have a Norris trophy winner. They don't have a fucking O'Vetchkin All right, they're playing whistle to whistle and then when shit's not going their way They try to start some shit and they punch a goal scorer in the head three times when he retaliates the fucking refs call matching roughing miners. Right? But what happened? What the fuck happened? The referees got it right in game one. They gave the panthers a four minute fucking power play and they gave Kitchuck a fucking

game is conduct and I said right there they cracked the fucking code all they got to do play whistle to whistle and when they try that rough shit that fucking punk ass shit because there's no fucking probert to come over and beat the fuck out of them right because they got rid of guys like that in the league All they got to do is just put the helmet down take the punches to the head and and then that's gonna be it They're gonna look like a fucking eighth seed and what happened game two The fucking Vegas nights went out there and and mop the floor with them seven to two Shout out to Kachakdo with a beautiful,

legal, shoulder to shoulder, open ice hit. All of a sudden, they're goalies looking regular, right? All of a sudden, they're getting fucking traffic in front of them. Not saying the series is over, but I don't know. I was so fucking frustrated watching, you know, my team not play whistle the whistle and then whatever the fucking maple leaves with doing against them. I mean, for the first, I have said this a zillion times, they were escorted them into their

own fucking zone, looking like a five on three at even strength for the first 3 games and they're like, oh wait a minute maybe we should you know fucking hit somebody, they went game 4 and that was too late, it was too late, it was fucking, it's fucking irritating me, it's irritating me the way that when I watched the St. Louis Blues when the fucking cup and the guys were going like, you know this guy, this kid and that, I tell you, this is reminding me of Patrick Waw. It's reminding you of Patrick Waw. Patrick Waw never got pulled out of a game in the fucking finals.

What the fuck are you talking about? Why do I give a shit? Why do I give a shit to this level, huh? You know why, because it's all I got. Dad and a fucking cup of coffee every once in a while. Oh, fucking Billy dries a bone. You know, I think what I'm gonna do every month is just, I just fuck everything except coffee. That's what I'm gonna do.

And I'm just gonna sit there like the goddamn fucking bald curmudgeon ginger that I am. And I'm just gonna sit around drinking coffee talking about the way things used to be. Oh my god I got shut down so bad by this fucking old dude. Oh my god I was at this coffee shop and I was killing it with the small talk. I was in a great fucking mood, you know, hanging out with my beautiful wife, you know, just having a great time. And, uh, I don't know what the fuck I was talking about. And then it was just, it was this fucking guy in the corner. He was playing that

game here. You throw the dice and then you move the checkers up and down as they're black and white. Like, I don't know what's, I don't know what the part cheesy, I don't know what the fuck it's I'm with the fuck it's called and he look really angry And he looked like he wanted to be alone, right? So my wife, you know, she comes over and I go look at that fucking guy with it. Jesus Christ Guys got some goddamn issues Steering clear of him and she goes, you know, he would probably like nothing better than if he went over and said hello to him I was like really I don't think so, but I am kind of fascinated with that game, right?

And I didn't think anything of it. And I had my little fucking mini capichito. And you know, me, I got nothing else. I got nothing else to give me a fucking buzzing life. So I say, fucking, I'm getting another one. So I go in there, I make some small talk with this fucking lady, you know, for the Pacific palisades We headed off with laughing with joking around

And I come walking. I'm like, you know, I'm fucking I'm gonna walk up to that angry guy who's clearly saying don't fucking walk up to me Because my wife's going like, you know what? He probably enjoy it And I'm in a good mood and all of a sudden I think I'm Billy fresh face gonna turn somebody's life around and I walked up I go, hey man, what is that? How do you play that game? Game up by yourself alone or whatever. I don't even, if I got it out. And the guy just, without even look,

I'm just put his hands up, he goes, sir, please, I'm enjoying my alone time. So I fucking, you know, I just turn around and I'm fucking laughing, right? And I see the blonde lady who I was fucking shooting the shit with and she looked at me smiled and I winked to like, you know, whatever, you know, it's fucking guys, this guy's angry.

I went, I fucking sat down and Nia was going like, oh shit, he fucking, he fucking shot you down. I'm like, that is the second fucking time you've done to that to me this year You told me to go up to Kareem Abdul Jabbar. I knew he didn't want anybody coming up to him But you wanted a picture so fucking bad and I went up to him and he was just oh God I can finally think about that without cringing that fucking conversation

think about that without cringing that fucking conversation. That's the second time. And you know what they say bad things come in threes, right people? Bad things come in through which makes no sense. Bad things don't come in threes. Bad things happen. Good things happen, you know. You just you just count up to three and then go back to zero again. That's what's happening. All right, you could say bad things happen in 17s if he just kept going. In 17s, not even divisible by three, isn't. I don't think it is. That again, I went to public school and a lot of people's math doesn't make sense to me.

Like, you know what, fucking drives me up the wall. Oh, I'm on one right now. I'm fucking on one. I know fucking annoys this shit out to me. Like you know what fucking drives me up the wall. Oh, I'm on one right now. I'm fucking on one. I you're fucking annoys this shit on me. Every goddamn fucking stupid playoff series. All right, the favorite gets the first two games at home, right? And if the other team wins one game, they go, they now have home court advantage. How the fuck do they have home court advantage? How the fuck does that? Like somebody please explain that to me. You're still going to play four games in my building. What? Cause you won one of them somehow. I don't have four games. What like what is the I could win the is it because after that the the

the the underdog has three home games and the other person only has two. Well that's going to happen even if I win the first two games. After two if you don't start counting me if you fucking go back to zero, there's five games left. Three of them are in your fucking building. What are we doing here? Is it because you want it in my in my arena? Right? And now I got three away games in your arena. Now you're suggesting that the home team automatically fucking wins, which obviously they don't because you split at home The fuck are you talking? I just feel like that is just some invented You know ESPN just trying to add drama they they didn't take away in home court Game 7 is still in your fucking building

So is game 5 The fuck are we doing here? Sorry. Oh, they took away home, home court advantage. Is that what they did? Is that what just happened there? Who gives a fuck? Who gives it? Well, I go to your fucking building and let me guess, did they hand out plastic sticks for them to slam together underneath the fucking hoop, like every other goddamn arena they go to?

Do you realize how not distracting that is to an NBA player? I actually think an NBA player is so fucking used to people doing all of that shit, but it would actually would freak them out. If you just sat there like gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, you were quiet and you're like, shh, like he was lining up a putt then I

Think it would be weird to him. I feel the same way about icing a field go kicker. It's it's it's like part of kicking a field go It's like all right. I'm gonna fucking you know warm up here, and he's gonna call it as he called the time out Okay, here we go. All right. Here we go This one's for all the hoarsers, right? You fucking line it up. You kick it right down the middle. And he's got fucking ice water in his face. He doesn't.

He doesn't have ice water in his veins. He's shit, that's just part of it. Oh. Bill, what are you really upset about? Oh, I don't know. Fucking Zillion things. Zillion fucking things. It's so weird because I just,

you wouldn't know what I just took a little mini two day, you know, vacation with my lovely wife. It's in between our birthdays. We went away, we had a great fucking time. Went away in my truck. We stayed in the little fucking air stream, and we just away from everybody, and we had a fucking great time. And then a second I fucking get back to civilization. Hit this fucking traffic.

Hit this fucking traffic out here. You know? 10.30 in the morning, bumper to bumper traffic. It's like none of you are going to work unless you're driving a truck. If you're driving in an 18 wheeler, you're at work. The rest of you, where the fuck? How are you not late? Does everybody sort of work remotely now? Was that what the fuck it is or is that just like a whole bunch of Uber drivers?

Um, I Don't know so I sit in this fucking traffic Fuck an hour of traffic at 10 30 in the morning and at 10, 30 in the morning. And hit a little breakfast spot, got some coffee, that's my wife, and then I had to go, my little egg-beater helicopter, every hundred hours, they gotta do, you know, change the oil, check all the liquids, all the fluids,

all the fucking, not a mechanic. They make sure everything's what it's supposed to be, right? So I got to fly this fucking thing right over the goddamn highway where I just sat in the traffic, sat the fuck it dig down. I get an Uber, I'm coming back and the exact same spot I got in traffic,

I sat in it again. Say my amount of traffic, It doesn't matter what time. It just doesn't matter. I saw an article where they were saying that they were going to start maybe charging people to use the fucking highways to try and lessen traffic. It's like, okay, wait a minute. Our tax dollars built those fucking things. And now you're gonna make us pay for them again. You're gonna do that to hardworking people. I mean, I'm a comedian, I don't fucking work hard. I don't mind paying a little extra.

You know, I guess that's not how it works though, right? I like when they ask rich people to fucking pay a little extra and they get upset. You know, that's fucking socialism. I'll fuck you, you're content. You broke a union and you moved your widget factory to a fucking someplace where they have no rights. And now they're sowing your shit together for a dollar a month.

Why don't you throw some money in the fucking till. All right, you fucking pleaded slacks wearing son of a bitch. God, I was so fucking rested. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. My daughter was hilarious tonight. She goes, Dad, can I have a snack? I go, well, you're not eating anything bad. You got to have something healthy. All right. She goes, all right, what are my options? That's the hardest part about being a parent

is your kids are fucking hilarious. And I'm the worst. I laugh every time and then they laugh and then they get what they want. I forget what I was watching tonight. I was watching something. I went, I had Jesus Christ and my daughter goes, Jesus Christ and I go, don't say that. She goes, why? God, you know, it's a bad word. I almost said it's taking the Lord's name in vain, but I don't believe in that shit sound.

It's like, yeah, you know, I don't know these people. And she goes, well, then why do you say it? And I was like, uh, cause my dad said it. He said all the words. He said them all the time and he said them in front of us. And even though I knew they were bad, and the fact that he was saying them, did make it, you know, didn't make it seem that bad. And she was just like, well, then why would she not to say it?

I'm like, yeah, now I'm doing it again. Yeah, my son said, God damn it the other day. He goes, God, dammit the other day. He goes, God, dammit. We were like, what? And he goes, he goes, God, dam, garbage truck. He goes, God, dam, garbage truck. It's the worst. Anyone's funny is when that shit happens. Everybody just turns and looks at me like they never say,

God, dammit. You know, look, if they say say fuck, okay, that is me. I gotta get that under control. I just said, you know what? I just said it like fucking three times, I'm saying it now. I said it like three times. Tonight, I just, I, I, I, I, I mean, what, what

other word is there? When you're upset, gee, whiz, maybe that's what I'll do. I'll just mock being angry. Then I can just find the silliness in it. Oh, well, Randy Vitaham, I'm trying to think of old football players' names. Oh, I love a Harry Carson. That's not, that's just, that's just not, oh, Wilk Chamberlain. It's gonna be somebody more, how Eddie Deezin. Yeah, you gotta be lubricant in me. It just doesn't work. Is there anything better than, what the fuck? Cause it didn't, cause the fucking thing, fucking, fucking, fucking.

Because it didn't, because the fucking thing, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking. Is anybody, like, there's nobody anybody who listens to this podcast doesn't curse on a regular basis or swear, as we used to say. Does anybody out there swear like a sailor? Like I do, and you had kids and you were, you were successfully, were able to stop, you know, I've really been trying to not do that. I was in a middle of fucking nowhere and then I couldn't remember. I just still swear.

I was in the middle of nowhere driving back you know and I really connected with my wife and we really just talked about how much we loved each other and everything and you know I told it I was going to work on my temper. I said you know I'm you remember the last time we really had a knockdown drag it out, we couldn't even remember it, we were getting along so great, but like just my day to day shit. So right after I said that, right, we're in the middle of nowhere in the fucking mountains, and my GPS isn't working too good.

So I had to kind of stop at a stop sign, agnatsing a car in a fucking hour. It's how far away we were, right? And I get to the stop sign. I'm trying to figure out if I go left or if I go right. So I'm looking at the GPS and of course some fucking asshole drives up right behind me. And I was like, what the hell? There's always somebody fucking coming out. I just immediately shut it down, pulled over the side of the road, let the guy go by, he gave me the wave, which is very rare out here in California. They do not do the wave.

If you wave at them, they look at you like, what the fuck? Evidently, that's an East Coast thing, you know? I don't know, whatever. What am I going to become a fucking perfect person? I'm laying off the booze. Oh, shit. You know what, the other night I went down to the comedy store.

I went down on the wrong night. Got a little confused with the book, right? So I go down Sunday night and I can walk in and she just looks in and she goes, she just goes like, oh my. She's like, what are you doing here? I go, you told me to come down tonight. She's like, no, that was tomorrow. I go, I can't go down tomorrow. I'm doing a little two day thing with my wife.

And she was like, oh, okay. I go, just throw me on at the end of this show. I'm all up in the end. And she was just like, yeah, say, yeah. It's a benefit for battered women. And I was just like, yeah, it's a benefit for battered women. And I was just like, I think that I was like, all right. Okay, I can handle that. And then she left.

And somebody else said it. She goes, yeah, they ain't going. I think they're gay too. And I was like, all right. You know what the fuck, right? So I go out there and I keep teasing him about getting slapped around, getting a shook and all of that type of stuff. And I was about 10 minutes into my set. And they, and somebody yelled out, they go, we're not battered women.

We're alcoholics. I heard, I thought they told, she said alcoholics, but for some reason I heard battered women. I don't know why. So they go, we're not battered women. We're alcoholics. And I was like, oh, you guys are a bunch of drunks. And I, you might people. And they had the best sense of humor about being booze bags. And I was joking around with them going like, you know, I'm like, you, I'm not all the way like you guys. Like, you know, when I was growing up, they said, you know, addiction, you know, either were or you weren't.

And I don't think it's like that. I go, it's like a spectrum. It's like I stopped drinking. And you know, I basically, you know, wherever my addiction is, I can't have alcohol in the house. And they laughed. And I go the same way I can't have cookies in the house. I'm going to fucking consume it. But like, I go, but once you get the have cookies in the house. I'm gonna fucking consume it.

But like, I go, but once you get the alcohol out of the house, I'm fine. I go, I'm not like you people. Well, you know, I start walking down the street like a zombie fucking blowing people, you know, to get a fucking bottle of wine or whatever. And they were fucking loud. They were so cool.

I tried some new shit. This fucking idea I have that I just can't seem to, I said it right the first night, and I never record myself because I never listened to it. It was stupid, and then I would have all these fucking recordings, and then I would look at the written, just be like, beat myself up for not looking at him,

and I'd just find it's like, well, you don't listen to recordings, why don't you stop fucking recording yourself? Which is work great for me, but then like, except when I'm having a problem with something. So I just get up, whatever. I got a bunch of road dates coming up, and then I got to run a date.

I don't know if they announced them yet, but I'm going to do some warm-up shows here in LA to make sure I'm up to speed speed and I'm very excited about that. And, um... Yeah, I'm excited to get back out on the road. And, uh, God knows, I got like three weekends in a row coming up. Not bad for a fucking old man, huh? What if I stopped doing stand-up?

If I would curse less, I just don't think that that would happen. Because I grew up hearing it. And I got in, I've worked in sales, I worked in warehousing, briefly was in construction. I mean, those people are like, it's transcends swearing. It's like poetry.

I remember there was this guy. I never really heard anybody say this before. He yelled at this guy on the site. He goes, he goes, hey, shit, fuck. Dude, we all fell on the fucking ground. Laugh, and he gave the guy a first and last a shit fuck. So that was one of my- That was my favorite. Other than that, I feel like with like, like cursing for me. For me, it's all about like, I think the best

at it is England, Ireland, and Scotland. They're the funniest, just the way that they, the stuff that they say and how the word can't just flies around. It's just, I don't know maybe because I'm a fucking tourist here and it's just the funniest shit. You silly cunt. I remember the first time I heard that I was watching Led Zeppelin, the song remains the same, and somebody at Madison Square Garden was selling bootleg Zeppelin shit.

So Peter Grant, arguably the greatest fucking manager of all time, is taking the head of security to task over it. And the guy actually has the audacity to be like, well, I mean, how am I supposed to know what's going on in every corner of this place? And he goes, well, you're in charge of security, you silly cunt. Like what do you say to that? It's just so fucking perfect. Well yeah, I mean, that's just a,

it just so, there's nothing better than when somebody has somebody dead to rights and they just hit you with that level of just fucking, just matter of fact, it wasn't even hostile. He just stated the fact. What am I supposed to do? Yeah, you are supposed to know this. You're head of security.

Then he adds you silly cunt. That's one of my favorite fucking, I don't know, just watching somebody. You didn't even have to curse them out. Now that was the end of it. And the guy had like nothing to say. I mean also, you know Peter Grant was a big fucking dude. All right. I got some live dates here Oh some live read dates and live reads are a pre sale for all dates and Thursday at midnight code burb

You are for what on sale Friday 10 a.m. local time for these shows on Tuesday October 3rd Syracuse New York at the on-center war memorial arena Saturday October 7th. Can't no higher. The fuck out of here at the Tom Benson Hall of Fame Stadium. What? It must be like a fucking offshoot to the Sunday, October 8th. I'm in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. My favorite fucking city, the Pfizer forum. Well, it's the Pfizer forum, FISERV, FISERV forum. Sunday, November 5th, I'm at Foxwood, Connecticut at the Foxwood Resort Casino for two shows, 5 PM, getting the blue haired crowd there, and 8 PM.

Tuesday, November 7th, I'm in Norfolk, Virginia at the Norfolk Scoop Arena. Wednesday, November 7th. I'm in Norfolk, Virginia at the Norfolk scoop arena Wednesday, November 8th. I'm in Atlanta, Georgia at the State Farm Arena Thursday, November 9th. Hollywood, Florida at the Hard Rock Hotel. And Friday, November 17th, I'm at the Las Vegas, Nevada. I mean, Las Vegas, Nevada at the Dolby live. And I'm also there for that F1 race, which is gonna be sick right down the fucking strip. You know, it's crazy.

November 9th when I'm in Hollywood, Florida. I might be right up the street from the NBA in Stanley Cup, fucking champs, as much as I was making fun of the fucking Florida Panthers, you know, they still could do it. I'm not counting them out, but I think those Vegas nights got them figured out because that guy that could chuck lit up came back.

They asked him, but sorry. You wanna hear it? They asked them at the end of the game about the hit. He was just like, I don't know, how can he's a rough sport? And it's just like, all right, that dude's a fucking man. He's shaking it off. I will say though, I love Kachuk, I love his fucking game. I mean, the guy literally got matching penalties

with a fucking gold tender. I mean, that guy literally got matching penalties with the fucking gold tender. I mean, that's pretty goddamn impressive. Got a gold tender out of the fucking, out of his game. All right, we got some reads here. Indochino, you know, looking sharp, all wedding season long, shouldn't be expensive. Exactly, it shouldn't be. It's one fucking night.

The fuck are you gonna to do it? That's suit. Just go to Indochino. With the custom fitted suit from Indochino, you'll create priceless memories without costing a fortune. And let me tell you something. Nobody fucking notices whether it's an Indochino suit or if it's from fucking Tom Ford. You know who knows the difference? The people, the salesman at Tom Ford. Everybody else is like, wow, I like that, I like that suit. And you're like, yeah, 175 bucks.

I don't think it's that cheap. Whatever, customize every detail on your suit shirt, dinner jacket and more. You know what's great about a cheap suit too? You can get to a fight wearing it and you don't give a fuck. You know, you drink and you have fucking day can spill a drink on it. You don't give a shit. You look good.

You fucking get another one. Tendochino. Customize every detail on your suit shirt, dinner jacket, or more in a range of colors. Who has a fucking dinner jacket? Would you just come back from a fox hunt? From a traditional black or gray to burgundy or olive, nice colors, to a classic hem's worth navy. Every suit is made to your exact measurements. Hey, I wonder if that red headed kid who left the real families now wearing fucking Indochino. Oh.

Oh. Every suit is made to your exact measurements and you can customize every detail. Create a suit that fits you and your style perfectly with options for fabrics, lapel shape, custom monograms. I like custom monograms. That's some old school man shit. He puts your fucking, someone said address.

He puts your initials on the cuff. He gets some cuff links. He's self a big ass American car, right? And you tell these bitches what time it is. I'm sorry. Created sooth fits you and your style perfectly with options for fabric, lapel shapes, custom monogram, statement linings and more. They also have tuxedos, starting at 577

NAD. Why rent when you could buy a custom tux? You can re-wear for years to come. Exactly. They're always adding new pieces options so you can stay on trend and in style. RSVP knowing you got the perfect look all wedding season long from Indochino. Code Indochino.com and use the code bird to get 10% off any purchases. A 399 or more. That's IND OCHIN0.com promo code bird. All right, who do we got? actually but not least it simply safe everybody uh... if you listen to this show before you've probably heard me talk about simply

safe you know they were named the best home securities of twenty twenty three by u.s. news and world report so they're probably resting on their lores right no definitely not they're probably resting on their lures, right? No, definitely not. They're not. They're always innovating. Always working on the next thing to help keep you and your loved ones safe 24-7 like their new two-in-one smoke and CO detector. What the fuck is CO? Carbon monoxide would be CM. Right? God, I sucked in chemistry class.

Chemistry class. I didn't even get to it. I didn't even get to it. I didn't even, I never even took a chemistry class. They were just like the same for you, buddy. The same for you. You're going to take a class called project physics. The same for you. You're going to take a class called project physics. Anyway, it's next generation hazard detection that distinguishes between fire and cooking smoke. So your home is protected and you get fewer false alarms. Well, that's cool. There are new smoke and CO detector sensors. A sensor joins SimplySafe's comprehensive suite of advanced security cameras, sensors, and hazard detectors for seamless whole home monitoring.

With SimplySafe 24-7 professional monitoring services, trained agents stand ready to respond to an emergency, dispatching police firefighters or EMTs to your door, even if you're away or can't be reached. Monitoring services cost under a dollar a day. Simply save as easy to set up yourself or have a certified technician install it for you, and there's no reason to wait.

Within financing through a firm, you can secure your home today and pay overtime and installments in installments that fit your budget right now. Get 20% off your new system when you sign up for interactive monitoring. Visit simplysafe.com slashber that's simplysafe.com slashber S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E-D.com slashber. There's no safe like simply safe. All right, that's it. As much as I was breaking the floor to Pantheos fucking balls, I'm hoping they win Game

3 because I want seven games NHL and I want seven games NBA. And you know what? I saw the NBA's commission or silver whatever his name is Talking about what a great year it was in the NBA and how many teams were involved and Could have made the playoffs or whatever so there goes a lot of my theories about the NBA So I hope he's right. I hope it is going to be like this because I love that it's Denver and Miami It's a nice different final, right? Finals. Stanley Cup final. We shall see. We shall see what happened.

I like all the cheesy Miami Heat fans coming down their dress and white, you know, like that's the style. I noticed a couple of those sports broadcaster guys were wearing their fucking white jackets, which is funny because they're both old as shit, you know. Like where you going? T-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. We all know you're going to bed after the fucking game. You're gonna look up the stats.

You gotta know what you're talking about. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. have a great weekend your cunts and I will I'll talk to you on Monday oh by the way enjoy the music here that Andrew Themo is picked out and then we have a bonus episode of Thursday … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … ... ... I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go.

I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. I'm going to have to go. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr.

It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday over there June 8th 2015 What's going on? Bonjour to Les Mons, Je m'appelle Guillaume Je voudrais... Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I'm ready to come home. I've had a great time over here. And, you know, but no matter how much of a good time you have in it, at some point you miss your stuff. You wanna go home and see your dog, you know? You'd just like to fucking speak your own language. I'm so fucking sick of trying to speak this shit over here.

I'm having a great time. My French is better than it's ever been. But I am fucking you know The mem shows see for play that means more the same if you ever in a bar and you finally get you fucking out whatever you wanted You know what I mean? You know you've a drave my fucking Jack Daniels On ice or whatever when she get that shit out,

and they know what the fuck you say, and when they come back, you know, and they're like, you know, we miss you. It was a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit. You just point your glass, you go, the mem shows, see, move, lay. And they go, are we? And they walk away, and they come back and magically,

they give you another fucking, another glass of whatever the fuck you just ordered and I also found out over here that I like green beans. I always thought green beans. It's like I whatever, you know I forget what they call them over here. Eru got I can't even remember I fucking look at it and I can read it I know how to say it, you know you know j You know, Javadre Saladari, God's bad, bad, whatever the fuck you say, right? And all it is is green beans is a little bit of fucking this mustard dressing they put on them. And I got to tell you, it's out of this fucking world.

So much shit over here that I don't like over in the States Is really out of this world over here and and I've been eating like a fucking animal over here And I haven't really been putting on the weight that I put on what I'm in the States Because I don't know what the fuck they do even like the the chicken Poulet Poulet, uh, uh, Rotee, Souville Blay, Souville Blay, right? Fucking rotisserie chicken over here. I swear to God,

our chicken over there is on steroids. I don't know what's going, I don't know what the deal is. Like, we bought a full chicken. And, you know, I'm not, not gonna lie to you. I was a little buzzed. And, uh, I can carve a chicken on a turkey like nobody's fucking business. Why?

Because I'm some sort of chef. No, because I watched a YouTube video that broke it down. So I'm sitting there looking at this chicken. And like I said, I was a couple of drinks in. I couldn't figure out where the breast meat was. I couldn't tell really the top from the bottom of the thing because I'm so used to where I'm mark McGuire, roided up fucking chickens that, you know, it's puffing up like it's going to golds fucking gym over there. Right? And, uh, yeah, it's just, it's like that chicken over here looks like a fitness model,

right? Where ours looks like, who's that guy in the Astros? It played third base that never got busted for fucking looking like the same body type as Robert Newhouse? That's what our chicken looks like. And the green beans are smaller and they're way more tasteier. And I was over here going, I fucking love green beans.

I didn't know that. I think that the ones we have over where they're at, they're shit. I'm not trash in America. I'm not being one of these con sickos to another country like oh my god everything they have over here is fucking wonderful. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that uh I'm actually talking to the rest of the world that makes fun of how fucking fat Americans are like they I don't know. I don know what happened, but there's something wrong with our goddamn food Having said that though. I would rather look at a fat American than a fat European

Because at least an American at some point in his life did a fucking push up and has some sort of a Some sort of shoulders in some arms and a little bit of chest on them. These fucking fatties over here. They're just, they're like, uh, they got like chick bodies. Like they never did a pull-up in their life or anything and then they just get fat and then they keep wearing the tight t-shirt. You know? Like those gay guys do. The gay guys who watch Hollywood, I'm gonna fuck what shape they're in. They wear a tight shirt, but the gay dudes in American at least at least have the decency they're still trying. They're going to the gym so they don't look that bad. At least they got they got some fucking guns on them. You know, they got some packs, right? Some older guy packs. You know, they got some packs, right? Some older guy packs.

I mean, I should talk right now. That's what I look like. I look like a fucking Tuesday afternoon stripper right now with my shirt off. You know, you could see how at one point maybe I used to dance on Saturday night, but now I've had like two or three fucking kids on a wedlock too. So it was a hard two or three, right? No fucking alimony Even if I know who the fucking father is he doesn't have any money

You can't get blood from the stone that dude's sitting in jail. You know stupid He should be out driving a truck somewhere, right? Why the fuck is it my laptop charging? Yeah? So don't think I'm fucking sick of him sick of this fucking lack of American electricity over here. Oh, I'm just a fucking grouchy cunt right now. Um, but I haven't said all that, you know, we still have it a great time over here. I'm just, uh, you know, I realize I haven't really been vacationing over here as much as I've been on like a seven day bender. That's like I got to get I got to stop. Like at some point we finally just said like you know when we live at home you know we don't go out to a bar every night. You just when you're on vacation you feel like oh I got to do something every night and one of those

things you could do is actually relax and get a good night's sleep. You know, and you would think, you know, being Kato's says of cease, how the fuck you say it? Kato's cease. I just did a YouTube thing. I said 16 first. Soon to be not Kato's, Kato's not cat or cat or cat or set that's gonna be on Wednesday at Thursday. Mako-D is your dick. I don't fucking know. I just woke up. Fuck you. Anyways, you think being almost 47 years old that I would have learned that right now. But I didn't, you know, and there's probably a lot of you looking down on me like I'm some sort of fucking asshole. But now, you never really learned that lesson either.

What happened to you, as you got married, and you had a fucking kid? And from what I've heard from parents, as kids don't give a fuck about a hangover, so just because you don't want to deal with your kid, you stop drinking. Or maybe you love the thing, right? To the point where you don't be the drunk mom or dad. But I swear to God, you know, parents anytime they get a chance for the most part, they steal away a couple of minutes. The grandparents come over and take the kids there immediately

in the liquor cabinet, right? All right, well, there you go, sorry. You know what this really is? Is me just feeling like I'm drinking too much. So instead, I got a fucking lash out at people who never really said anything to me. Maybe I just sit too much. So instead, I got to fucking lash out at people who never really said anything to me. Maybe I just sit in there with a kid going, Hey, Billy, you know, I'm just kind of enjoying the podcast. There's no reason for you to be a cunt to me because you're a freckled

booze back. And you know what, I'll take that. I will take that. You know what, you're right, and I apologize. You see that? Trying to be more mature So anyways Also you know what the thing is is yesterday I went to the French open and that was like the big thing that I wanted to do So I think mentally I kind of checked out like I'm done. I'm done. I had the quesols I had the baguettes. I said in the cafes and I fucking did whatever the fuck I did I went to the French open, you know? I took my lady out on a birthday. I Got her a really nice gift. I

Feel like I'm done like roll credits and I still got two days here before I fly back two three days before I fly back and I don't want to see This is the calm before the storm You know rather than being depressed that it's almost over. I'm actually kind of excited because I'm ready to go back but somewhere around two in the afternoon Today it's gonna hit me like oh fuck, you know, I only got another two and a half days here and today it's going to hit me like oh fuck you know I only got another two and a half days here and then the drink is going to start all over again and there is something about the fact that Jim Morrison died in this town that you really feel like a pussy if you just

fucking go home. So what I'm saying to you is I'm going to be fucking hammered until about Wednesday or mechardee. Okay so this is the Monday Morning Podcast. You know what I did the other night before? I went to the French Open. I got my NHL feed to work and I watched Game 2 of Tampa Bay versus Chicago. And what a fucking game. What a series. I'm so psyched that I actually was able to see that because I'm fucking missing the Cavs Sacramento series as I called it last week. The Cavs golden

state series, it looks like a classic. I don't think the first game went into overtime, but I know that the warriors won by two. And then last night, the Cavaliers won by two and over time. And I just saw the look on the Cavaliers faces like, you know, after they had won it. Like there was that combination of happiness and anger. We're just like, all right, these guys are fucking dialed in. This is going to be a hell of a series. And I did see something funny on the NBA website talking about Steph Curry.

It says, one bad night or something worse, which is the classic symptom of all these different sports outlets that, you know, someone just can't have a bad game all of a sudden it's got to be oh my god is the fucking sky falling so anyways I watched that I watched game two even though I know new I had to be up by I had to be over at Roland Gattles by fucking 11 a.m. so I had to be at a 10 and the fucking hockey game didn't come on till like fucking one in the morning. So I was up till four in the morning watching that shit. I don't give a fuck. I'm watching

this shit. And first of all, look at asshole. I thought that I had to be over it. The French open at 11 a.m. Because I just thought it was the men's finals and that was it. And by the way, I'm sick of people giving me shit on Twitter for calling it the Stanley Cup Finals. My whole life we called it the Stanley Cup Finals. It was the NBA Finals and the Stanley Cup Finals. And people go, there's not more than one final. Well, tell that to the fucking NBA. All right, I don't give a fuck. You fucking dramatic cut.

I've watched all of them. I've watched every Stanley Cup final or final, whatever the fuck you want to call it, since the fucking Islanders 4th Championship. All right, so you're going back to 1983. I've watched 33 of them to go fuck yourself about whether there's an S there or not. I don't care. And I also was calling it Stanley Cup finals my whole fucking life and nobody ever gave me shit. Once again, maybe

that's because now I just feel stupid and I'm lashing out at you. Maybe you would just say, hey Bill, I'm not trying to be a dick, but hey, it's the Stanley Cup final. That's how the NHL, the league that you watched decides to call it, whatever. So I watched that shit's the Stanley Cup final. That's how the NHL the league that you watch decides to call it whatever so I watch that shit the Stanley Cup final until 4 a.m cat ears and So we fucking get up out of bed and

We go over to the fucking subway and Not trying to figure out we went into like the way you had to buy the the tickets and it was really confusing Super confusing. There was all you know which how far into bout of Paris? Do you want to go there was like three different level of tickets to buy it was a complete fucking pain in the ass so we asked the lady in like three different level of tickets to buy. It was a complete fucking pain in the ass. So we asked the lady in behind the booth and she was a total con. She was on the phone. Hated her fucking job was just an asshole. This is nothing against French people or parisiens because everybody's been an absolute sweetheart to us over here. I'm very patient as I try

to speak French, you know. and so we just have fuck it. We got out and we got a cab and we cruised over and we get over there, right? And we just breeze through. There's like no fucking line, you know, I walk into the gift shop. There's nobody in there. I'm looking around. I'm like, wow, this is some really ugly merchandise. And then I realized it's the last day of the tournament. All the good shit is gone, which

struck me as funny, but I still got a mug, a hat, and a shirt, and the beach towel. It was a big, there's a big bucket list thing for me. I always wanted to go to this fucking thing. So, and Nia, this is the funniest thing ever. She was so fucking, she was over it before we even got there. She doesn't give a fuck. She just did not give a shit on any level. I was asking her about something. I forget what she said. I just could tell the way she said it.

I was like, oh, hey, check it out. I didn't think they had my size, but I went over the other side. I found this shirt. They actually had my size. And she just goes, oh, yeah. I just started. I just burst it out laughing, which made her laugh. And I was like, I, I just said to myself, look, I know you don't want to be here. I know how you're feeling right now is how I feel when I sit down when you go to try something on at a fucking department store, except this is going to take three fucking hours. So I apologize. Let me go find you some booze, right?

So I got her some champagne and shit and she's just trashing me and Trashing like the people that are there and all the fucking thing, you know and just making me laugh my ass off And she's trying to be a sweetheart. Oh, no, no, no, I know this is a big thing for you I know You're you want to enjoy yourself here and then and I was just laugh ago. Look at you You want to just jump out of your own skin. You so don't want to fucking be here right now. So, um, and all I'm doing is looking around going, why is there barely anybody here?

And then I thought I figured it out, going, oh, I know why, because there's only one match today whereas before I've gone to these tennis tournaments and there's like you know this The the semi pro things going on on the the satellite courts There's like, you know four or five, you know different matches going on two different venues Some people just have tickets for the first half of the day some for the whole day some for the late one So there's this whole overlap and crowd

And then I realized that that's not what it was. I realized that it was 11 a.m. and that the men's final did not start until 3 p.m. and that what was actually happening at 12 noon was the final for the women's doubles fucking class. And I realized at that point that not only was Nea gonna be there for the three hours of that, she was gonna be there for the three hours of the men's final and just to look on her fucking face. I feel real bad. I completely wore out yesterday. And so anyways, and I'm sitting there going like, I fucking hate doubles tennis. So now it's like, I don't know, I'm sick. It's like we both could have still slept in because you're sitting there like zombies. Because I kind of kept her up because I was cheering on the game and everything. And so we get over there and it's like, well, fuck, we might as well go in and watch the women's doubles final. And I went in there and this is the most fucked up thing. Dude, there was like fucking 70 people in the crowd for a tennis major final. And we went in there and I watched the fucking match

in near at some points like, all right, I'm gonna go down and go get a whatever the fuck a glass of wine or something. And she goes, I need to walk around. I'm gonna fall asleep because you know, we've been sleeping till like one. So we've just, as we're still fucking jet lagged or whatever. Or whatever. Cause we've been going out to a foreign the morning. Who's kidding? Who? So she had to walk around just so she wouldn't fall asleep and I sat there and I watched the match and I totally fucking got into it. And there was one American play in Bethany.

I hope I say it right, Maddox Sans. And I was watching her during the warmups and I was like, oh, and she's fucking good, man. And then on the other team, they had this really tall woman who played up near the net the whole time. And she was a fucking beast. She was the shit. Right out of the gate, it just looked like the team with the American on it was going to lose. They just seemed overmatched and all that. And they lost the first set. And I'm thinking like, selfishly, I'm thinking like, oh, well, you know, they lose the first set and I'm thinking like, you know selfishly I'm thinking like, oh well, you know

They lose the first set. This will be over quick. You know what I mean? They dropped the second set and then we're on to the men's final right and They fucking came back One the second set And then the other girls women they fucking bear down hang on a second I got blew my fucking nose hold on and magically I'm back two seconds later so the other women they just fucking immediately the third set they just they just fucking come out swinging and it just looks like all right now they're

gonna take over they had a they had a little fucking brain fart in the second set and dude it was like a heavyweight fight and all of a sudden the other girl started coming back I really should have their fucking names the championship names it was Lucy Sephora, Sephora and Bethany Maddox Sands and they just fucking hung in there hung in there the hung in there. They fucking broke them and then they put the fucking hammer down and they ended up winning and it was a fucking awesome game And I swear to God, there was 70 fucking people in the crowd. I took a picture of it. I'll try and fucking, I'm not gonna be able to upload it.

It's like get back here because I didn't get a cell phone plan because I always get a cell phone plan when I go overseas and they go, yeah, you have unlimited minutes and texting. You'll get a bill for like 70 bucks and then I come home and it's always like fucking $400. You know, you're always there for like 20 minutes and it says, warning, you're out of your fucking minutes for the day. And then what are you going to do? What are you going to do? You're not going to take calls or whatever. So I just have not been on my phone. I just

shut the fucking thing off. So anyways, so we watched that had a great time. And then we came out and we were walking around and, and I don't know, I was fighting this feeling because I always wanted to go to the French Open and there was something when I was at the French Open that was just fucking bugging me. And I couldn't figure out what it was. It was like, am I jet lagged? Am I not enjoying this?

Because I know my wife is enjoying this and blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. So, we end up going in to the men final right and uh it was uh Novak uh jokovic against uh this guy who i never heard of Stanislas Warrenka so i'm sitting there and i see that you know what's his face isn't in it who's that fucking guy who wins it every year? Rafael Nadal, right that fucking guy. I don't know. He won nine of the last ten of them. It's insane. He won in 2005,

he won in 2005, 678, one, two, three, four in a row, then he won one, two, three, four, five in a row. No one can ever get the six. Right? Roger Federer won it, 2009, fucking up his 10 year run. But I mean, that's one of the, to me, that's one of the greatest accomplishments in modern day sports. What do fucks one nine out of ten championships at the pro level? You got to go back to the Boston Celtics when they played in the 1960s and that YMCA league, right? So anyways, and I'm just looking at this other guy, this Stanislaus Walrinka, he's like ranked eighth and I lean over and my wife going, I got me in.

And this guy's going to get his fucking ass kicked. All right, Ney Dahl is not in and I don't know shit about tennis, right? I just watched the majors and I'm just like, this guy's going to get his fucking ass kicked. This, this, don't worry, this will be over, you know, he'll probably win in three sets maybe four. And so she's like okay all right so I'm sitting there watching the fucking thing all right and uh Joker Vitch wins the first set and then the second set comes but but like he only broke Warinka once and then the second set this Warinka dude is just fucking he's coming like a champ

He breaks joke of it's twice and he ends up winning like he lost the first set six six four and then he won the second set six four and when When the set was over when joke of his had lost the second set he fucking He slammed his racket down on the play and He bounced up and he caught it and then he slammed it two more fucking times and it broke and the whole crowd started booing right and

And that's when it hit me. It's like that's what it is. I don't like this fucking crowd. I don't like the crowd that goes to tennis matches. I don't like how they whistle when they get upset. They hiss. And if you show any sort of fucking emotion, that's like anger. Like in the first set, I think that while rink a guy, he fucking slammed his racket down twice on the net. They boo. You know, because it's supposed to be a gentleman's game. Get the fuck out of here, you rich cunts. How did you guys get your money being a gentleman?

You fucking bootlegger. Give me a break. Where you got a clothing line, you got crying children sowing the shit together and you're fucking sitting in now trying to tell people how to act like a fucking gentleman. All right, this is me judging these fucking rich cunts, right? So, and I realized in that moment, I was like, that's why I don't fucking like this shit. This is why I can never quite totally get into fucking tennis is because whenever I go to a live event, there's that element there. That fucking gray poo-pon, pretending to be something that you're not. You know what I mean? Like every time your stock doesn't go down, you don't throw a chalice across the fucking your

manner. It's just screaming at your stock broker. Give me a fucking break. Now you're mad at this guy in his little short shorts. I love one where Rinka slammed the racket down. I saw that he wasn't intimidated by it. I saw that he was fucking mad at himself And he wanted to fucking win and I saw a joke of it After the first set when he won his first set he turned around and looked at his coach and he pumped his fist And I was thinking this guy's dialed in and now there's something about tennis when you fucking blow his set to have to start all over again You know at ground zero and have to fight all of those fucking games again and and block out the fact that dude I could just be one set away

Instead I'm tied and we've been playing for fucking hour and a half and we're still tied and this is annoying like There's all of that like those moments Where you're starting to give the match away. And so, like, do you have an innu to come back and then you watch in the other person going, does this person have an innum to finish this other guy off? And so, anyways, Warrenka ends up winning the third set. So, now he's up two to one. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck?

And then, joke of it of it just digs in. It fucking comes out and wins the first three games of the fourth set. And I'm like, yeah, this guy's got these got the championship gene. This is going to go five and then this one rink of guy is going to have to think like, wow, man, I had this guy in the ropes and I let him off and he's he gonna have it in him to fucking come back. So these guys are showing emotion and every time they show anger, these fucking rich blue blood cunts are boon him. It's like you watch your two fucking warriors down here and you're boon. Some of the best part of the game, okay, he's

serving, so then he wins, it's 3-1, and then he breaks Jokovic, 3-2, and then he wins his next servicing, it's fucking 3-3. And I'm sitting there looking at Nia, going like, this might be over and forth, this guy can fucking hang on and finish him off, and then also you can finally go home and sleep and that's what it ended up happened. We'll rink it ended up coming back and it was it was a crazy thing because you know I don't watch a lot of tennis and so at first I was for Joker which because I knew that he had never won and he was going to get the career grand slam which is basically winning on all three surfaces, hard court grass and clay.

And then this what, Rinker Guy, I didn't think he'd ever won a major which I still don't think he did. I don't know shit about tennis obviously. And so I was kind of rooting for him. Plus there was a ton of joke of itch fans. So immediately it's like, oh man, this, you know, fuck these rich cons. I want to see the Swiss, the Swiss guy went just to watch all these people have to put their flags down. Oh, that was another thing too, when people would yell out, you know, all these, these, what is, what is joke of it? She's a Serbian or something. And when they would yell out, oh, they're Serbian shit shit Like every once in a while somebody English-speaking person would go shut up

It's I'm not supposed to cheer That's another thing About certainly is these fucking hoidy toyy sports like like golf and everything Hi, everybody has to shut the fuck up. That's to be perfectly quiet everything. However, he has to shut the fuck up. It has to be perfectly quiet. If anybody like fucking shuffles in this seat, it takes a picture. If somebody's going to put or fucking go to, you know, he hit the tennis ball like the, the, the, the, the athlete glairs at him. It's like, you fucking kid me. You hear what people, do you see what people doing when somebody's taking a foul shot of fucking trying to kick a field goal

These goddamn golfers and tennis players, they start fucking crying So I don't know I'm not a hundred percent sold on it But I will say it was it was one of the great Events that I've ever been to and I would definitely go to it again I Wouldn't drag my wife to it again, I wouldn't drag my wife to it. I've now been to three of the majors. The only one left I have to go to is Wimbledon. So next time I go to England or something, I'll try to set it up around that. And I'll go to that and I won't drag it to it. It should be

like, no, I want to go. I like it. I like to dress up. And it's like you don't like it. So anyways, that was the experience. Another thing too, what I got to ask, you just can't believe how fucking small it is. It's like this major. It's this big time championship. And it's this little intimate thing. Like I swear to God, just go on stuff hop and get tickets, sit at the top of the stadium. It'll still be way better than any seat you'll ever get at an NBA final.

Or Stanley Cup final or anything for the money. And you're not even going to be that far away. And everybody has to be so fucking quiet. You can actually hear grunt and grout and like you're sitting courtside. And then the tennis court is just super fucking small. It really is one of the great, you know, if you're gonna go to a championship thing as far as like a sporting event

that you can go to was phenomenal. And I absolutely, you know, I've never seen tennis play in't clay before so that was totally cool And then I also remember that fucking hilarious chapter in John McEnroe's book where He'd won Wimbledon He won the US opening one the Australian open and he needed the career Grand Slam to win the French open in one year He actually had it won and he ended up fucking up and he

blew it and every time he goes there to commentate he thinks about it and I told you that great thing that he said when he was fucking up one year when he was fucking it up he screamed at the top of his lungs I hate this country which to me is one of the fucking great things ever yelled out during a game and of course you know he got booed which probably made him play better in the next game, which is why I love John McAruf so anyways So that was my big sporting event thing that I did on this trip and now that it's fucking over Looking back, I think I'm just gonna have I don't know Maybe more fun the next time I go to one

and actually, like I still totally enjoyed it, but I really got fucking annoyed by them booing them when they showed any sort of emotion that wasn't genuinely behavior. I don't know, that just fucking bug. Maybe I'm an idiot, I don't know. Anyways, once Jesus Christ, I just ran with the 31 fucking minutes. Let's get through some uh... let's get through some advertising here. Why can't you just write copy like that? Why do you guys sit there and say I have that shit? I don't have that shit. Oh God I'm to cut you mood, huh? All right. All right. Oh, I saw this,

this fucking story. It's really annoyed the shit out of me. Surprise, surprise. It said, uh, is this, this cute little fucking story? And God knows the internet either likes a, we should burn this person at the stake story or this little Qdass story like you know I thought my life is over and then this kitten showed up and what happened next will bring you tears of joy I refuse to this kitten showed up I fucking refuse to read any of those and And I have never told any of you guys, you know, I just need to just can you do me a do me a favor, please stop clicking on those. You know what I mean? I was sitting on a park bench in a wizard walked up to me and what he

had to say next will change your life. And then you get on there. And it's, it's like a quarter of the story. And then you got to fucking figure out how to click. It's just, it's what is it? Clickbait. That's what they call it. All right. And I'll tell you, I fucking was able to figure it out after falling for it about 162 times. I realized that all the stories sounded fake. None of the shit was really inspiring. I never cried. I never laughed I just got fucking annoyed and I had a bunch of pop-up ads so I just I don't know you don't have to do good continue to click on a pull the fuck am I to tell you what to do? But I always laugh when I read those nine you wouldn't believe what happens next you won't believe what happens next as I scroll Into the next fucking story a douche

By the way, I love Facebook. I absolutely love it I don't give a fuck if it makes me sound like an old man I am an old man and I like how they have all these interesting stories picked out for me by some other douche on Facebook rather than having to try and find them myself. So anyways, so I'm scrolling through the Facebook as us older people say, and there was just supposed to be this cute, heartwarming, fucking story. It was about how people were delayed for six hours in the airport, but through some unbelievable miracle, the cast of the Lion King and at Latin

was there at the airport, right? And they're acting like this is some fucking amazing thing. It's like, no, this is the cast of the traveling fucking show. This is what these people do. Because after it's a hit on Broadway, the people then want to make money and take it around the country for people who don't have time, the people then want to make money and take it around the country for

people who don't have time, the money, or whatever, to fucking go to New York. No country can't go to New York and squeeze into that theater, so they have a couple of traveling shows. So low and behold, you imagine this, you're at the fucking airport, your flight is delayed six hours. And then for some reason, the fact that the cast of the Lion King and Aladdin is there, like this was supposed to be heartwarming,

that it made it like a better thing. This is what they started singing the fucking songs to Aladdin or the Lion King. Just imagine you're sitting there stuck in a fucking airport and then all of a sudden some douche starts doing this. Oh my god, but you shut the f*** up. Hey, I'm stuffing it in for a sh**t to f*** up. You're making it worse. Right? Isn't that what you would say?

The last f***ing thing I would need is I'm sitting there hating my fucking life is somebody go wow you ever think that most people fucking hate Broadway shows all right I don't you know there's a very there a very few people that actually enjoy Broadway shows. Okay. It's children. It's the gay community. Oh my god.

I can't say the next group because then I'll just get to. I'm just. You know, and then I don't know, I don't know, it's fucking people who are old people, you know what I mean? Who went to who went to funny girl in Oklahoma and they actually, you know, when movies back in the day, when they'd be you be watching a movie and all of a sudden the middle of the dialogue, they would just break out into a song and they would start dancing.

It's like leftover vaudevillian horse shit. And you know, this is like a kids movie that you turn into a fucking musical. So it sucks on two levels. Now you've married two fucking things. All right, very, very rarely is a kids movie like like a toy story. It's great. All right. But I got to be honest with you, the whole fucking, you know, like pretty much the rest of them, like bugs bunny is funny, you know what I mean?

Pinking the brain is funny, SpongeBob SquarePants is funny, Sesame Street is funny, because they throw in jokes for adults, but a lot of them, you know what I mean? The carabairs, the fucking Manchiichi or whatever the other ones are. And that's like Manchichi. Remember that Manchichi, Manchichi, Oh, so soft and cuddly, Manchichi, Manchichi, it's a creepy monkey, right? They would turn that into a fucking musical. And then your girlfriend or your gay uncle or your fucking, you know, the person who's in the sugar salt fucking problem, right?

Some fatty will take you to the goddamn thing and you gotta sit there. All right? But at least you're prepared for it when you go to a Broadway show. The last fucking thing you need, I mean, is, is, oh my God. And the only thing worse than those fucking people singing that horse shit would be the people standing around enjoying it, the looks on their faces. Oh my God, can you believe it? They're singing like angels, right?

They're not, it's fucking horrible. The whole fucking thing is horrible. And it was probably written by some white dude and somewhere in Africa it's probably really offensive. That whole wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,ester Saul was fucking hilarious as the laden, right? As they're flying on carpets coming out of teacals. They didn't like that shit either. They didn't like 300. They didn't like any of that fucking horseshit. Now you got these consign at the airport. They'll love a god. They should have made him go walk into that little fish tank where they make smokers go to. Go fucking sing in there. All right. Jesus Christ, I'm in a fucking booth. You know what I'm on vacation right now. And I am gay,

Patty. Um, I hate that shit. I gotta be honest with you. I'm a bit of the Grinch. Um, I have major issues with, uh, heartwarming stories. They never make me emotional. They make me fucking angry. Like that singing there made me fucking angry. But I'll tell you the things that make me actually get like emotional where I almost start tearing up is when I watch kids fighting on YouTube and I'll see the kid that should have lost all of a sudden flip out and beat the kid that should have beat him. That actually will make me emotional. Now, I don't know what that says about me, but you know, I don't know.

Well, maybe that's just not for me. Oh my God, I've been into so many fucking airports, and there's so much shit to annoy you, the last thing you need. And out of all the fucking songs to break into, you break into that fucking, that whatever the fuck that is, like that helium balloon. What is that shit people? You suck on a helium.

I mean, that's like, that was what was just happening there was like 40 Yoko Onos all at the same time in harmony singing some horrific like that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, some shit that Yoko would have screamed out while the Beatles were playing, thinking that she was adding to the music. All right, I might get some complaints over that one, you know, people like, you know, I always feel like,

there's something sad about people who go to Broadway shows. That's not even true, Because what's his face? The South Park guys did like the greatest one ever that I would have gone to. But, you know, they were sold out for like nine years. And at that point, I just go, I don't want to do this. You know what I mean? Are you guys like me? Like I just, like if there's a line, I just, I just say,

well, yeah, evidently, I'm not going to have that experience. That's how I just, I don't feel like there's ever a reason to stand in a fucking line unless you're in a, you know, in a, you know, a labor camp, okay? And they hand it out, slop. Right? That was kidnew. I'll stand in line to go see a fucking good show like a rock star or something like that.

But like if, if there's like a fucking, you see how I just subtly covered myself there, if I fucking, I gotta clarify this. Like if they go, oh my god, this place has the best fucking burgers. And I show up and there's a line around the block. I just go, well, I guess I'm never going to have one. What are you in Russia? I'm standing in a fucking bread line here. I'm not doing that, okay?

Why don't you fucking assholes get a bigger space and add some more fucking tables? Right? Is that wrong? Did this whole thing just go off the fucking rails? I don't even know. Alright, let's get to some questions here for the week. Did I get through everything? All I know is I'm really excited to get home and I'm home for like four days and I go back out on tour and I am so Jones and to do fucking stand up. I get this fucking, this Bruce general idea that I want to do that has nothing.

Actually, I'm not making fun of what he did. What he did actually made me feel considering his accomplishments made me feel like less of a man. So that's going to be my angle on the whole thing. on the whole thing. All right, here we go. Raging bull. Dear Billy, the raging bull. I don't know what that means. Bull shit or maybe. I was once a financial banker. Yes, one of those rotten scoundrels that wore a monkey suit and worked like a tool alongside other corporate douchebags. It took me a few years to actually see how shitty this industry really was. Filled with douchey cuts that would do anything to get ahead, I fucking hated it. One day a work colleague asked me to help him train for one of those white collar charity boxing events. It's basically an event when a regular corporate dude laces up a pair of gloves. Oh corporate dudes, I've seen them, they fight each other, and they have to go out in a boxing ring.

All the raised money for some cutthroat charity I know right um Well, by the way somebody gave me shit for reading that thing about the Red Cross going you there's a great organization And you totally classified them Is being pieces of shit just because of one bad story and it's like no, I didn't I actually said That I don't know part of this is because what's going on down in Haiti but blah blah blah blah and as I did that I remembered like wait a minute didn't they get shit for what they did during 9-11 so I actually wrote the guy back I was like no I didn't I didn't trash but by the way here's another

article all right with your precious red cross. Um, anyways, I, he said, I've been competing since I was in college and it was more of a hobby than anything else. So I agreed to help my coworker with some of his training. After arriving at my coworker's boxing gym and watching some of the other corporate monkeys hit the heavy bag and spar, I really wanted to enter myself into this event. Ah, dude, you're a fucking ringer! He said these corporate noodles couldn't punch themselves out of a wet paper bag, and I thought how satisfying it would be to beat the living shit out of one of these aspiring douchey banker

cunts. Ah, dude, come on man, you can't do that. Although it would be kind of funny. A body shots funny, he can't hit him in the head. Anyways, he said, I went over the idea with my boxing coach. He really didn't approve of the notion of a trained fighter ripping up some regular Joe Smok exactly. He goes, so unfortunately, I didn't enter the event. To this day, I still regret not having the chance to trash one of those corporate dooshes in the ring.

It would have felt so sweet. My question to you is, if you had some sort of formal training in combat sport and there was a chance for you to enter a celebrity boxing event, would you love to fight? Who would you love to fight? It could be another comedian, celebrity sports figure, anyone who would be across the ring from you to pummel. Long-term update, I've since left that so sucking corporate gig to pursue a year of world travel.

Yeah, with the blood money and competition at boxing, I'm just talking with you to God bless you. Have a good time. Seeing you live in Toronto, Pittsburgh, in Brisbane, Australia, keep kicking ass, Bill. All right. All right. If I was formally trained in combat, like this, no way I would fight someone else unless they were formally trained, or if they were

trying to hurt me. Come on, you can't fucking do that. But seeing how I'm not formally trained, who would I want to fight? And I get to win. The toughest fucking guy out there. So I look like a stud. Um, there's really nobody I want to beat the shit out of. Is there?

I fight the cast of Aladdin. No, I wouldn't do that. That's just a lose, lose. Either you beat up a bunch of fucking Broadway singers or worse you lose to them. I'll tell you, I'll let me tell you who I wouldn't fight. I wouldn't fight Joe Rogan. There's a long list of people that I wouldn't fight him. You know, I love to, is all the people listening right now going, dude, I fucking kid dead guys this, would you? Would you? I don't think you would. Who else? Ving Rames, I wouldn't fight Ving Rames. You know what it is? It's the people that,

that like, either are in shape or they just have a certain fucking vibe about them. We're just like, yeah, I would fuck with that guy. There's a lot of people I wouldn't fight. Two and a 47 next week. Most of Hollywood I wouldn't fight. Most of Hollywood I would fucking lose to. I would, you know, I'd throw a fucking little girly jab and I would, I would, I would hang on and the crowd would boo. Like, you know, when you get ripped off at a pay-per-view, like, that's what my fight would look like. Now I was kin who I get a couple times and then I would start spazzing out and I fucking just start doing the windmill punches before the person just sat in the pocket and caught me with a good fucking, I

don't know, left hook and just dropped me and sit right on the seat of my pants and make weird noises. Alright, girlfriend of horror. Hey, Nia! That's probably still sleeping. Alright, I like to have her for these fucking things. All right, girlfriend, a whore in my walk of shame. Ahem. Hey, Bill, I'm 22 years old and I've been dating a lady for a few months now. Thanks, I'm going great. We click really well and she's beautiful.

This is funny, all of these start this way. Everything's beautiful. This is an elegant girl, I think you meant to say, that's all one word. I-N-E-L-E-G-A-N-T, in elegant. An elegant girl? I don't know, with a great job. Things were going great until recently. She still lives at home and one night she asked me to come over for a late-night booty call. Oh Jesus, what's wrong with that dude? This girl's a champ so far. Of course I show up to her parents' house and get into bed with her. Oh she lived in her with her parents. Okay it's kind of weird. As I laid down, as I laid down, I sat on a vibrating sex toy.

She was embarrassed and played it off like, oh, I just found this recently when I was cleaning through my stuff. I acted like I didn't care, but in my head I was screaming, what the fuck? Dude, why are you acting like you didn't fucking rub one out like the day before? Yeah, but I used my hand. I went all natural. What are you acting like you didn't fucking rub one out like the day before? Yeah, but I use my hand. I went all natural. What are you looking at? Like she's a fuck.

She's using PDs here. Anyways, we go at it and I spend the night at her place. I love how you were like what the fuck, but you're still banged. Classic guy move. Dude, this chick's a fucking psycho. Wanna fuck? Okay. In the morning, it turns out she wasn't home alone.

Her dad was home and when I do the walk of shame, and I do the walk of shame out of the house, oh my god, the dad saw you. Oh, M.G. On top of this, wait, on top of it, this was the first time meeting her dad. We didn't say a word to each other And he just gave me this death glare that screamed this motherfucker just bang my daughter in my house Oh my god Her dad flipped a shit on her and wants her to move out. She asked me if it was cool if she lives with the two guys from work

I tell her I don't care but again I'm thinking what in the actual fuck is going on here. Basically how do you think I should play this out? Should I cut my losses and get out? I try to stick it out. I feel like those are some serious red flags but I really like this girl and until this point things were perfect. Maybe the lovely Neia could help. Yeah, she needs to help me. I would say this. Yeah, she could have been a little, she could have handled that situation a little better with her dad Christ. You know what? I don't think Neia is up. So what do I do? Do I disappoint you guys?

Or do I let my wife sleep on the vacation? Let's go wake up my wife. Hang on. Bonjour Madame. Nea. Can you help me out with a question here? Are you still sleeping? I'm giving it to you real quick. Here's a deal. This kid's 22 weeks with this girl. She's fucking perfect. Everything's wonderful.

She calls him up one night for a booty call. He goes over there. She's still living at home and he's like, all right, a parent's out home. So he goes up there. He goes like, I get into the bed and immediately sit on one of your vibrating sex toys. And he's she tries to play it off like, oh, that's just something I found when I was going through my stuff. And he said he played it off, but it was like, what the fuck? He thought it was weird. He's 22. So she fucking, they bang.

He wakes up the next morning and it turns out her fucking dad is home. So he's got to do the walk of shame right past her dad. And the guy is just glaring at him like, you just fuck my daughter in my own house, get the fuck out of here. So he gets the fuck out of there, right? And then like the next day at work or something, she goes, yeah, my dad's pissed at me. He wants me to move out. Do you mind if I move in with two guys from work? And he's like, part of him, you know, likes the girl and the other part is like, you know,

there are too many red flags here. What's a red flag about it? What's a red flag about it? I don't know, they... Is this his girl, huh? Did you got turned towards the mic? Oh, yeah. Oh, you're here. Yeah.

Shit. Okay. Yeah, sorry. I had the fucking recording here. What's red flag about it? Well, first of all, it's like. It is his girlfriend. She said booty call earlier. Right.

So if you're talking about booty call. It's just beginning of a relationship here and he's like, do I pursue this? I want to ask her why she thought it was necessary and ask him permission about where she wants to live. Right. But obviously that's not the situation here. Well, she could have moved in with two guys

that they work with. And they mean and that's a little fucking well, what if what if we'll flip the tables you and I just started looking up a is it okay if I move in with these two chicks that we both work with. Oh, they all work together. Yeah. Well, what do you mean? I mean, I fucking Jack Tripper. You're not going to have a problem with that. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, but that's not- I think kids these days, they live together, males and females, and it's not like a big deal. So, now if I were her, if I were like her mom, I think it'd be a different story, but no, I don't understand, well, because I, you know, because I would just be like a mom

about it, you know, but as a guy who was just hanging out with her. Yeah, but you just, she just fucking banged you when her dad was home and then made you in then just fucking, doesn't even the decency to be like, hey, my dad's home, you might want to go out the fucking window and you walk by the dad. Like, he's like, that, he's done.. You might want to go out the fucking window and you walk by the dad. Like he's like that. He's done. Like what's he going to do? Have a relationship, come over for fucking Thanksgiving.

Like his first fucking meeting is yet. Yeah. I fucking just railed your daughter right up above you. Like that. If he was, if he was mature at all, he would have been like, Oh, good morning. You know, my name is so and so. And I just fucked your daughter.

Well, obviously you don't say that. Well, what the fuck were we reading all night? No, you say hi. You know, I'm friends with such and such. And how are you? You know, you do the respect thing. No, the respect thing was to not say a fucking word, to sit there and come down and be like,

hello, how are you? And try to play it off like you didn't fuck as insulting that man's intelligence. Well, it anyway, getting back to the... No, no, no, no, no, let's stay with that point there. Okay. There's no way out of that situation other than what he did. The most respectful thing that he could have done was not say anything, because he's

at least as a man addressing the fact that he understands that what the fuck he did even though it wasn't on on purpose was ridiculously gonna fuck with this guy's head. I disagree. I think what you should have done is been respectful and said, like he saw him, like he walked by his dad. Yeah, he walked by in the guy in the guy's staring fucking daggers at me. Yeah, they did fucking 22 years old Okay, I'm just I'm just saying I think it would have been better if he had introduced himself Because that's you please do that to me. I'll play the dad Well, I'll play the day. I'll play the day I'm just you don't just walk through somebody like a a grown person's house and not say anything. That's one of my parents would have felt like, you know, you don't just walk in my house and you know what I mean? I'm almost saying what you're saying here,

but it has to be that it can't be more than two words. Like I would have just looked at him. Morning. I would have been. I'm sorry. But you're talking about the red flag situation, right? The red flag is that he's he's this girl is sexual and so that to him is a red flag and you know what baby doll You need to fucking get over it You know something yeah, I understand where you're going with this where it's just like if a guy's master base just like you do all right Maybe she wasn't smart about putting away her vibrators Maybe she was thinking that you might be kind of like oh, what is this? But you know, you're 22 you probably don't know how to use it or don't quite understand what it's about

He's 22 he doesn't need it as dick is standing at attention when he fucking wakes up in the morning. Not for him. I don't mean for him. I meant for like they could he could use it on her like that's what I meant. The fuck you think I meant. You said he doesn't need it. I'm saying that she would use it. No. No, I'm saying that he doesn't need it to pleasure her. Jesus Christ. Let me confirm what I was saying Okay, but there's other there's other ways got that 22. I know Bill. I'm saying that there's other fucking You can have like a nice strong dick that goes all night But you can also use a vibrator as well like you know this don't make me explain this to you. You know what I'm talking about

I do okay. All right Alright thank you for giving me credit. Yeah listen to you I don't have a blister. I agree with the story. It's a you know it's something whatever. Alright he's not ready for it's fine. The point is that he it's fine. Maybe one day he will be But the fact that he just was like oh my god. This is a sexual girl and she doesn't really give a fuck who knows it Right, whether it's me who came over for a booty call because I'm like whoa with this vibrator doing here or you know her dad So should you took it now? I'm no, I'm just trying to think how you mistook that like when I said his dick stands up when he wakes up Like he needs to use her vibrate make his dick go up like anything make any sense to me. I I didn't think it made sense either, but it was obviously a miscommunic. Yeah, I was looking at it

Like it was like the stunt dick like that's what like when you know those old guys in the steak houses who have like the Fucking chicks half their age like they show up with like a bag of like fucking viagra and like the vibrator because you know to keep her interested as they're waiting for the blue pill to kick it. That's how I was looking at it. Jesus Christ is fucking clarified the shit. So anyways, my thing is only is Like just the situation that she put herself in and put him in We then has to walk by the dad. I mean the whole fucking thing is just taken on water right now No, it's very messy

It's it's a very messy situation for sure So there might be a lack of maturity on her side, which he's ready to, like, I mean, if they're, yeah, they're both 22, I think that goes up saying, but yes, okay. You just won't give this girl any sort of criticism here, and yeah, listen, I just said they're both 22. We said they're both 22. We've already, you've already shit all over this guy.

I'm just saying like, how am I shooting all over the guy? I'm just saying, okay, it'm not it's too early to get involved in this fucking argument. Let's just let's just plow ahead. Let's just plow ahead here. What is the point that you're trying to get me to address here? Is that is maybe she's not ready to be in a fuck she just got kicked out of her house for fucking another guy yeah in the house. Yeah, okay, that's you know, that's not a very stable situation to get involved in First of all, you're 22 years old so you're still picking in the first round

It's not like the guy's 42 when he's single and he's gonna take what's out there. There's a whole bunch of fucking You know this this is this is like You hit the NBA draft lottery you get like the first fucking pick in the draft here. You're gonna go with the fucking a woman Who just got kicked out of her house for fucking you Well, their dad was still home and you walked by your dad All the vibrators shit and anything. Yeah, who gives a fuck about all of that the fuck that part there? I'm saying does he really need To hitch his wagon to that so you So he's asking if he should like pursue a relationship

because everything else, everything else other than her fucking two doors down from the dad and then having him walk by the dad. I mean, there are some things in the event right in the beginning, despite of how nice you are and everything. There are some things that make you kind of go like, hey, you know what? You know, relationships are hard, even when you're with the right person. You know, Jesus. Yeah, no, I mean, I would say, young man, that is...

You're just trash. You're condescending to the family. I'm just trying to be funny. Excuse me. Jesus fucking Christ. I know you're the professional comedian in the relationship. Oh, relax. Why am I here then?

You know? No, you were trashing the guy so bad. I thought that that was another part of the trashing. We're just not, we're not, we're not, and sink there this morning. Yeah, kiddo, um, I would say that uh, yeah, you it doesn't sound like she's the girl for you. How about that? There we go. Yeah, that was so good. Hey, I did that whole thing. I'm gonna leave out why I don't think so. Yeah, I know why because he's because he's not mature enough to handle a fucking blah blah blah

He's not mature enough either obviously. They're both mature All right, you know, I like about me walking away as your voice is fading away in the background I gotta go downstairs with a fucking the yeah, whether with a with a fucking Questions are no that's it all right In your little attic loft here don't set up too quickly you'll hit your head on the beam again no Jesus of Ramadan we got a little tree for department here all right here we go well that was a fucking waste of god damn. I thought I thought she

was finally going to agree with me. It's just one of these times I wanted to fucking agree with me. She just won't do it. She will not do it. Alright, fuck. This thing's going to take forever a lot of this fucking slow ass internet here. Let's uh, I gotta read a couple more advertising than I'll blow through these last couple of questions. Alright trunk club everybody trunk club. Guys you might hate shopping but you still want to look good right? What if you could snap your fingers and have a trunk full of clothes that fit perfectly and make you look amazing? You're going to love what you get delivered. You're

going to love what gets delivered to you from trunk club. At trunkclub.com slash bar. You answer a few simple questions about your look, style and size, and then they assign a real person who helps to style you. They email you a list of clothes. They recommend sending you. They recommend sending you. You approve it at no cost to you.

They ship a trunk full of fresh new clothes to your door. Try them on. Keep what you want. Send back what you don't in their prepaid box. That's it. A better wardrobe than you could ever pick out yourself in minutes. Maybe you could pick out just a good wardrobe, but if someone else is going to fucking do it, why do you need to do it? Right? Then I mentioned the service is free. Your stylist is shopping the box, even the shipping. All 100% free when you go to trunkclub.com slash bar. Only pay for the clothes you keep no ongoing subscriptions

No hidden charges no malls just great clothes handpick for your style All right, you're going to thank me on this and right now. It's completely free Go get started at trunk club.com slashbar today. That's trunk club.com slashbar. All right, and lastly, but not leastly Legal zoom are you the next world famous entrepreneur? Or maybe you don't care about fame. I do. You just want to help people. Whatever your motivation, if you're an innovator, it's easy to launch your dream this month with legal zoom. Incorporate a form in LLC to start your business. Register your trademark to protect your products and services. Apply for a patent to secure your invention. These are all

fragments and they keep having like apply for a patent to secure your invention. These are all fragments and they keep having like apply for a patent to secure your invention. Is that a fragment? Register your trademark to protect your products and services. Don't you need a subject? You should. I don't fucking know. Maybe I'm wrong. Bill, why are you diagramming sentences? Just read the goddamn copy. Over the past decade, legal zoom has helped more than a million people just like you turn their ideas into reality. So what's special about this month? Well, for a limited time, you can get special savings on any trademark, copyright, a provisional patent application.

Go to legalzum.com today to get started. They even can help you if you have a great idea but you're not sure where to begin. Since they are not a law firm, you can get advice from LegalZoom's network of independent attorneys in most states. That means you can get the guidance you need to get your great idea off of the ground. Don't forget to enter Burr, B-U-R-R, and the referral box at this month, check out this month for your special discount. LegalZoom.com promo code

bur legal help is here. All right. Um, all right. What am I right now? All right. Sister is a cunt. Jesus. All right. Hey, that gingerhead, man. Though I get it. A little play on words there. Oh, Jesus. I'm a 20 year old guy who desperately needs advice from from their favorite comedian, from his favorite comedian. So I'll get to the point. My sister is a cunt. Jesus Christ. This guy's not pulling any punches. I have to give you a small sample of her. I'll elaborate a bit. All right.

So in a small sample, you're going to elaborate. This guy's just fucking, he's ying and yang and he's ying and zang and she's a narcissist. Ying and yang was bad. She's a narcissist. Yegan, Yegan was bad. She's a narcissist to her very core and straight up stupid. She sounds like she's hot. She's abusive to my dad. No, she's definitely good looking.

Even though he has cut his room in half to accommodate her moving into a small apartment, she hurls insults at him and when she doesn't get her way and talk shit under her breath, into a small apartment. She hurls insults at him and when she doesn't get away and talks shit under her breath, she hurls insults at him when she doesn't get away and talks shit under her breath so he can't hear it. But I can and it's fucking infuriating. My dad is a really is really is a good man who has worked as a teacher for nearly 30 years and I respect the hell out of him. It kills me to see your treat him like yesterday's dog shit.

Also, she's a massive whore. Jesus, buddy. This is your sister. Since I almost know, I almost know that she sucks dick for weed. All right, dude, this is getting sad here. Truly, she is one of the most ugly and insensitive people that could ever exist. In addition to that, she loves to talk about how good she looks. She's lost a lot of weight and while I was supportive at first, she rapidly began to make fun of me and made me feel bad about my body to prop herself up.

Dude, this is like a reality show. This is sad on so many different levels. Fun fact, she starved herself, became a bulimic, took weight lost pills and never worked out. So what the fuck gives that bitch the right to say anything to anyone about how they look? Alright dude, you got a lot of hangar towards your sister. You establish this. Now I need your help with your unique attitude of take no shit. Dude, I take plenty of shit. How do you handle, it's easy to do not take any shit

with a fucking individual on a podcast, not talking to anybody. How do you handle someone like that? I'm sure you've met hundreds like her. What can you say, what can you do to reign in this psycho bitch? She abuses my dad, she treats my little brother and I like total shit and she doesn't do anything to keep the place clean.

So that usually falls on my dad and I. All she does is use people and when they aren't useful anymore, she discards them like trash. She's truly someone I've grown to despise and resent. I try and keep her out of my mind as much as possible to keep my own sanity. I would have disowned her, but since she lives with me, it makes it difficult. I feel bad for my dad because he has to watch my sister and I argue.

I always have my dad's back and yell at her when she says some of her usual crap that doesn't really do it anymore. But that doesn't really do it anymore. I'm not someone who has problems with a lot of people, most of the people I've met who know her have told me similar horror stories. If you can't think of anything to suggest, I gladly accepted if you just bash her on the podcast. It won't solve anything, but it will give me something to smile about when I see that dumb bitch come hopping into the living room acting like a shit doesn't stink. Thanks for hearing me out, Bill. All the best to you, Nea and

Cleo. All right. Well, you are living in some cramped quarters. So that's definitely going to make you guys not like each other. It doesn't seem like your dad calls her out on her behavior. So, I would say, I would start working on my own life, which is I would make enough money to move out. And she's truly as horrible as you're saying. I would try to just see her on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And you know, that stuff about her being bolemic and starving herself and taking weight loss pills is definitely probably should be addressed at some point understatement. Oh, look who's back.

Look who's back. Oh, look who's back. Look who's back. Oh, beauty. Bye. I'm glad you didn't see all this. This guy just said a bunch of horrible stuff about a sister. I thought that she's a whore. Well, and she also seems like a complete sociopath that she just kind of uses people and when she can't. She's got a lot of shit going on. It sounds like. But this is also just like a mess. But it's also if she hasn't eaten dessert, that's a whole that's a that's a that's a it's like a mental illness. Maybe she's just dizzy. No, sorry, am I fucking no someone eating this sort of that's that's hardcore.

Because like if you if it's like really... I knew a girl who is beliebic, but she was a really nice person. She wasn't walking around treating people like shit. So I think if this girl had a... Well, I know not everybody, not everyone's gonna go about it the same. That's what I'm saying. So maybe if she has a full belly, she'd still be a cunt. That is very true.

Or she's a fucking just a mess. This is kind of like when people have addicts or whatever as siblings and they feel like everyone is sort of like tiptoeing around them. And they're like, this person is a fucking jerk and an asshole, why are we, you know, and I'm doing all the right things. Like, I don't understand why they're being tiptoed around

and it's not fair. Yeah, I think all three of them, her little brother and her dad should say, like, listen, if you don't stop acting the way you're acting, you've got to move out. That's basically it. And then when she, you know, stomps around like some fucking, you know, collagedale. I wonder if they ever had any like good times together, other than when they were like six or something like, have they ever like gone out to eat and in Berlin?

I have no idea. What's going on with you? Like, why are you so angry all the time? Or is like her behavior so bad that you don't even want to be in the same room with her? But I heard what you said, he should move out. That's basically the best solution, I think. It's just, I think she's watching

too many of those fucking shows where you know she thinks she's got to have some fucking certain kind of shoes and that type of shit or dad's a teacher that live in this small ass apartment and I think she wants to find her things in life and she's going to get it however she needs to get it so right now she's like all right I'm going to get all skinny I'm going to fucking skinny. I'm gonna fucking bang my way to some weed and a nice car and I Think you got a full-on sociopath on your hands. That's what I think and I think you guys need to gang up against her Tell her to fucking get her shit together. She has to move out and if your dad is

Can't get past the fact that that's the apple of her eye and he doesn't want to do anything then you got to choose yourself and I would move the fuck out. That's it. Alright, awful laugh. Oh my god, Neil, why are you saying that she's a sociopath? I'm just curious. Because she treats her dads like shit, she fucking uses, this is his description. She uses people and when she can't get anything from them, she completely discards them, which means she has no use for them. They're like a light bulb that burned out.

All right. I understand what discard means. Sorry, I just had to answer. All right. You know what, I deserve that. All right, you know what I deserve that all right awful laugh Hey mr. Bill birth canal Yeah, they always they try to come up with clever ways to with my name. I see a bill ginger headman Said a gingerbread man. That's good. That's decent right? All right, all right. I need the brilliant wisdom that only a middle-aged balding redhead could give see that This is how they do it they compliment and they slap me around a little bit. I'm dating a lady who couldn't win a Hooters model contest. Wow. She could win a Hooters model contest. Fly that girl in Paris and put her on the runway at Chanel.

Sorry. Why do you guys hate? Why do you guys hate it when we say you're pretty no no it's not that it's just like that it's supposed to be like this fucking ultimate compliment that she can win a modeling contest at Hooters I'm I'm any other woman who is and this is nothing against Hooters actually because I don't alligator arm it you get on Hooters go ahead but I'm saying like it's just funny to me what men or young guys consider a compliment she could win a fucking hooters my I'm sorry if there's any girl that work at hooters I fucking

love hooters and their girls are super you don't like hooters and you don't think it's so you're insulted by it I'm not it's I'm I think it's funny the way he describes her as saying she could win a hooters my there's something really funny about that. There is something funny about that but I'll tell you this guy. Come on. You think about you got to go on the road with me though. Yeah. Okay. You got to go on the road. You got to understand you know when you live in the middle of fucking nowhere you know and you big deals, you go down to the fucking crack of barrel, and you get down to one little golf peg,

and that means you're a genius. That's out there, Nia, out there, and the sticks. You think I'm being classist by laughing at that description because you can't just say, I, this girl is really beautiful because he goes on to say, she's funny, intelligent, level-headed, and as a smoking. That's those are wonderful things. But like the Hooters model contest. First of all, I didn't know that they had model contest. You mean that you get a job at Hooters? Because hey, get a can get a word here. I was actually I was being a dick. I'm joking around. I love cracker

barrel and I love when I fucking get down to the one little golf spike It makes me feel like I am intelligent. They got that little game I haven't been a cracker barrel and a million you shouldn't cuz they said that race a shit a long time ago Yeah, exactly and I portray our relationship every time I go there and get their eggs All right, she's funny intelligent level headed level-headed, and has a smoking hot body and an epic chest. Oh, we mean that's where the hooters part comes in. Yeah, she's got a great fucking wreck.

And the hooters model can't do this. All right, I'm sorry. What should you say? Applebee's fucking... Just like a like- Bring chicken. Just like a like bring chicken and incredibly subpar Bugging restaurant chain with the most basic Realize what a snobby sound like to be sitting here and parachute on a hooters fuck you fuck you

You know what no question for you today mamazelle, but absolutely. I love it. I love their popcorn shrimp You see that? Yeah, Don't ever forget that. Yeah. Don't have a fucking forget that. I don't give a fuck where you're at or what you're doing at the end of the day. You like who does lemon popcorn shrimp? Not lemon popcorn shrimp. The lemon pepper wings and the buffalo popcorn shrimp. That shit is amazing.

And they have really big drinks. It could be a little stronger though, at least in the Hollywood one. But no, I don't really don't have a problem problem I just saw the final 10 years of your life what you've just an absolute lush sitting next to a pool why is this fucking like TV bigger eating fucking lemon chicken waste I would never have a martini at fucking hooters I I mean, a margarita maybe. Ah! Like, that's the kind of place you get a fireball shot. You know what, Nia? You really sound gross right now. Alright, this is my fault.

Anyway, let's go on. It's my fault. Both are looks impersonal to you. Shut up, I'm reading this. Why would I complain to you guys? Well, because you're a guy, and so you have to complain about something. Wow, that sounds familiar. I feel like putting a bullet in my head.

It sounds like a guy hoody and a trash compactor. When we're at dinner at Hooters, I assume she laughs as loud and as awful as she can. I can see all the shot tables in my peripheral vision in here. The babies nearby begin to violently weep. Okay, now you're being hyperbolic. Whenever she laughs, I do my best to stare at her rock and appreciate her until the storm is over. This is actually kind of funny.

The scroll is practically wife material. With every laugh, I lose the will to live. I'm a 26 year old male with options. Right, but really, oh, you know what? You're such an asshole. You just shit all over the guy. This good you balance it out Nothing the guy said that whole fucking hyperbole thing if some woman wrote that like a coyote and trash compactor and like the babies crying Around there you would have laughed. Oh my god. This girl's hilarious, but if a guy does it there are fucking asshole

Let me finish this out. I got you buddy. Here we go. This girl is practically wife but 26 year old male with options. He does have options. And with Facebook now, the world is his option. Oh, grandpa. I'm sorry. What is it? Instagram? Is it a meme? Is that how you meet somebody? No, pussy meme. But realistically, I don't know if I have the potential to top this girl, dude, you're selling yourself short. What do I do? Do I suck it up and look past it? Or do I put on the breakup suit and dump her moments before leaping out of the car? Your advice and possibly the lovely Nias would be wonderful. It calls you the lovely Nia in your shit. No, no. I'm sure I speak for many when I say okay, sincerely possible suicide victim. All right, dude, you don't love this girl enough to look past her laugh because I really think if you really loved

her, the fact that she had that crazy laugh, it would actually in some weird way you did find it adorable. I think she's just hot. I think she's hot. I think you have a little bit of low self-esteem where you're looking at your age. Like, what do you, what do you, what do you got? Fucking eggs in you? You don't, all right? You're a guy. You're young forever. You know, your biological clock isn't ticking. You know? Yes, I just say this shit just to get you going. All right? You have 26-year-old,, you've got all the options in the world. She's fucking smoking hot, right? Bang her one more time and then fucking dump her. Right? Sorry, I'm fucking with you. Just just get out of it. Just get out of the relationship and

uh, and that's the thing though. But don't tell her why. Don't say because you're fucking don't say because you're fucking laugh. Well, she can't do any of our laugh, Nea. I know. I feel bad. I actually feel bad for them both. Because I was just trying to put myself in the situation. Like, being crazy about you, and if you just had the worst laugh, what do you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, who do we know somebody that has a laugh like that? But it's like kind of like, has like a honking in their life And it's and it's funny But I'm sure the first time the person he's with heard it. She was like whoa Okay, but the thing is a person who laughs like that other you laugh at them for their laugh They laugh even more everybody laughs at them and it becomes like a like that girl with a love. If you love them, if you love them. If you don't, you're like, oh my god, I want to go this way. Like, is it really that bad? Like is I, I'm, I'm not going to say the name. I'm not going to say the name. But I used to have somebody

one of my agents. That's what I was just talking about. Yeah. One of my agents said, I loved them to death. I actually loved his laugh, especially because you could hear it when he was in the crowd, and I knew that he thought the joke was funny. And he'd seen a bunch of comedy so to really get him to laugh was an amazing thing. I really feel like I can hear it right now.

Yeah, so I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, for a half an hour and I and I knew he's in the crowd

But I'm not thinking that I'm just thinking of doing my shit in about a half hour and I tried this new bit And I ripped this thing and it fucking killed in the middle of it. I hear in the back of the club. He's here The honk. Yeah, but I'm not even doing the thing Yeah And yeah, and he and he hated his lap too he hated his laugh We just like I know that's how I laugh and blah blah blah blah, but Fucking sweet out of a guy. Yeah, but he was a great person. We're talking about like he's dead. No, he is currently I got a raptors podcast up. It's this internet here stinks and this is gonna take me forever to

Upload this. Did I really go an hour and a half fuck? Uh really quickly. Neat sorry sorry for the to upload this. Did I really go an hour and a half? Fuck. Really quickly, Nia. Sorry, for the getting you there too early to the tennis match. You hung in there like a fucking champ. Oh, did you talk about that? Yeah. I basically said that I had a great fucking time, but that crowd is not my crowd. Now, the mean, let's let's get into the hooters crowd isn't your crowd either, Nea? I love the hooters crowd. Well, maybe not the crowd, but the restaurant. Alright, I like the hooters restaurant.

But tell us crowd is it's it's a weird one because you've got all this sh sh sh and then you've got the rogue person that's like, come on, Kazee, like we were Australia, you have people getting mad, they get mad is somebody yelling. Scream out because it's like, come on, KZ, like we were Australia, you have people getting mad, they get mad at somebody yelling. That's a really bad one. Because it's like they have to concentrate. Kind of like if you were to do that on the golf field, I feel like it's a similar thing,

right? Literally what I just said. No, don't. Oh, okay. It's a golf course. Yeah. So it's weird, but there's this aggression to it as well. It's a golf course, not a golf field.

Did I say golf field? Golf stadium when you're at the golf arena All right, I have to wrap this up because the season to take forever to load All right, okay, all right, that's it. Once again, thank you for everybody for listening. Thanks for writing in all of that shit I got the I got my tour coming up When I get back I can't wait to do stand up I miss it, man, I fucking miss it. Let me read off the dates here.

I will be in Portland, Oregon. Fucking love that time. The 90s is alive in Portland. I never even heard that. Portland, Oregon. I'm singing a theme to Portland. Yeah, you ever been to Portland? No, I come to that one. I would love to

No, I've spent enough time with you. I've spent enough time with you. I'm sick of you Portland, Oregon. This is this Listen, Mia. I'm telling you some of the best fucking food Portland and Seattle. I want to believe it here. It's beautiful I'm full of cool ass people. It's fucking unbelievable. Sacramento, California. I'm going next June 19th. The Capitol. June 19th. I don't know shit about Sacramento. Other than I used to say in this horrific comedy club condo

across from the punchline out there, and the only thing I could do is walk to this dirty McDonald's with this crackhead. So I'm holding out. I thought Sacramento was a bunch of really rich Republican white people. Not the part I was staying in Reno Reno, Bazar guitar and gun shop definitely gonna swing by there

Santa Rosa never been there I'm playing that on June 21st June 22nd, I'm in San Jose. I've been there a bunch of times. I love that fucking town. Fresno, never been to Fresno. One thing I've seen there is bug gang activity and they have a good, they have good football team. Well, they did. I don't know if they've been doing the last couple of years. Then I'm in Bakersfield, California. Then Highland, California. I don't know what. It just sounds like a buddy Baker.

Wasn't that Bruce DeBaker? Kenny Rogers. That's why Bruce DeBaker. Kenny Rogers. Did you just feel PD? Do you remember that show? Nope. Okay. Then I'm in Las Vegas on the 26th at the Mirage. And then I'm in Tucson, Arizona. How fucking cool is that tour? All down the West Coast and... Who is Arlene Schnitzer? The Arlene Schnitzer concert hall. Who is that? Somebody who died but a couple. Is it a woman that invented something perhaps? Have you told them about the booth?

A accomplished enough in life. Did you talk about the booth, please, go? The tour that we went on? And how you were... You turned to me and you're like a woman, a... A inventor. Shut up, baby. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll tell

that next time. Okay, that sounds good. No, no, okay, move, click, oh, is that what it is? Move click, oh, yeah, she wanted my wife is such a drunk. She wanted to take, she wanted to take a tour of how they make champagne. Yeah. So we get in, we fucking drive out to the countryside and went to this really cool last town. I forget what it was called and we took a tour of this thing and I hate champagne. It gives me a brutal hangover. I don't like sweet shit, right? So they used

to have these mines where they dug for chalk and he went down like these these shut up. They went down these 80 fucking st- how do I get through this? It's such a cool fucking story. I'll tell it on Thursday. Anyways long story short a guy actually came up with the shit and then he died at 27 and then she was the lover of his life. Vuv Kukro, Vuv means the widow. And that was the last name. She kept the last name of her husband that died. And she took over the champagne,

but she fucking perfected it and took it to the next level and an evented a way to get that sentiment out of it to make it clear as shit. And she kind of did some fucking scumbag shit though, that all great companies have to do if they're gonna go internationally. when Napoleon lost to the Russians okay French guy they lost to the Russians and the Russians wanted to celebrate she fucking sent them over champagne to the to the people that fucking just beat not exactly very patriotic

but yeah fucking horrific but I'll tell you right now. It's a little go-move. Yeah, but you know what every god... You mentioned it in the National Sun. Yeah, she behaved like a bank dust. They got money on both horses, whoever wins they still win. Like Don King, but at a fucking... A corporate level. All right, I'm done.

Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. I'll check in, I'll go in. Can you hear that? Thank you. you you