Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-9-16

Episode Date: June 9, 2016

Bill rambles about NBA Hoop, calls Anthony Mason/John Salley and gorillas.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey what's going on is Bill Byrne, it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and ahhh I'm just checking in on ya. Just checking in on ya fuckin' red lining the goddamn levels here. Let me bring this down here. Ahhhh Jesus, I got shit to do today so let's fuckin' get right to it. If you see these goddamn things, fuckin' buy em. I found that YouTube clip the other day, remember when the Fat Kid would review food?

That was my favorite one. The Fat Kid reviews Girl Scout cookies. He goes, these are Girl Scout mint chocolate chip cookies and I fuckin' love em. Right? He sits there and eats em, looks up in the air and then he goes, if some of you see somebody sellin' these goddamn things, fuckin' buy them. It's one of the greatest food reviews ever. I totally believed em and I wanted Girl Scout cookies.

But anyways, I'm not here to talk about this, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here as a casual fuckin' fan of the NBA, meaning I've probably watched seven whole games in the last seven fuckin' years and I watched the second half of last night's Cleveland Cavaliers, first the fuckin' Golden State Warriors. In a bar with the sound down. Now here comes my analogy. My favorite fuckin' moment of last night. And this thing, I don't have a dog in the fight.

I'd love to see LeBron win a championship for Cleveland and I always liked the Golden State Warriors because they stunk, you know, and their fans fuckin' hung in there and I liked their floor and all of that shit and that old piece of shit stadium they playin'. I went to a game there, I went to a game there about fuckin' ten years ago and there was like nobody there and they had the sickest fuckin' live band there, they were playing Herbie Hancock...what is that song? What is that song? Fuckin' sick as shit ever, right?

It was way better than what I just did. The fuck was the name of that song? I got that on my fuckin' phone somewhere. Oh Jesus, you know what, I'll play it for you here in a second, maybe you guys understand what this one is. Herbie Hancock, it wasn't Watermelon Man, what the fuck was it called? Headhunter? Herbie Hancock.

I'm gonna hit pause while I look this up so I don't torture you here. Alright, alright guys, they were playing Herbie Hancock, Chameleon, I'm at a professional basketball game, there's nobody there, this fuckin' live band is crushing this song. Right here. Come on, play it. Fucksakes. Herbie Zuccarelli, this fuckin' game sucks, listen to this band though, they're killing it.

Herbie Mason. Alright, black people all start movin' around, white people start gettin' uncomfortable, then the guitar player comes in. Herbie comes in on the next bar. Here he comes. I felt like I was in a fuckin' movie. So I was like, you know what, I love this franchise. You know what, if you suck, this is what you should be doing, sayin' listen man, we're

only gonna win eight games a year, let's fuckin' get a killer band to come in there, and people can at least have a good time, it was a fuckin' party, and they lost by like fuckin' 30. So anyways, I got, I don't have a dog in this fight, and I watched this game, I watched this game with the fuckin' sound on, that was Herbie Hancock, Chameleon by the way, before you tried to shizamit, point your phone at your fuckin' dashboard while you're driving down the street, killin' a fuckin' mother of six. I have to tell you this, over the last couple of games that I've watched, like the NBA has fuckin' changed so much, the way Steph Curry just runs around the court, like it's his,

like the whole thing is his, it's his fuckin' showcase, when he was sittin' on the bench, and that dude hits the three-pointer, and he did that little jazz hand thing, whatever the fuck he was doin', you know, dribbles out the game, and then looks at the crowd and goes, it starts fuckin' screamin', I'm just lookin' at him, okay, now I know this guy could fuckin' body slam me, I'm just a comedian, but I'm talkin' about NBA player to NBA player, this fuckin' guy is, he's built like an honor roll student, alright, and I know he can shoot the fuckin' lights out from behind the three-point line, fine, you know, you do the best you can back there, but you let that little motherfucker just glide

down the goddamn lane like, clear a path, clear a path, today's NBA, don't touch him, don't fuckin' touch him, that guy needs to get his head taken off, get one of those fuckin' giant white dudes from fuckin' Eastern Europe, some Transylvania guy, get him out there, he's got six fouls, just, you know, you know what would happen, he'd do fuckin' one, they'd be like, was that intentional, was he tryin' or whatever the fuck they call it, was that a hard foul, was he tryin' to hurt his feelings with that foul, oh, let's go over and look at the tape, what do you think, was his face snarlin' too much when he did that, oh, we can't have that, get him out of the game, you know, it's still worth it to fuckin' do

it, because back in the day, you know, the Rick Mahorns, the John Sallies, all of these fuckin' guys, John Sallie passed away unfortunately, but all of those fuckin' old school NBA guys, gotta be watchin' this fuckin' kid, and just be sittin' there goin' like, yeah, that wouldn't happen when I played it. That guy woulda got his fuckin' head taken off, do you know, if you watch Highlights of Jordan, all you young millennial fuckin' YOLO people out there, if you fuckin' watch him, it's like he's skinny, he's skinny, and then all of a sudden he's filled out, that was because the Pistons beat the shit out of him for like fuckin' two, three years in a row in the playoffs, he finally had enough.

The guy had to go to the gym, because the NBA refs weren't protecting him, they'd come down there, they'd fuckin' do it every one time, fuckin' Bill Lanbeer, one of the, it was like all Samuelson without skates out there, who hilariously in the 30 for 30 used to be like, we used to like to try to get in people's heads, it's like, like he was playing this high level fuckin' mind game, it's like, no dude, you were just out there waiting for people to leave their feet and you'd take their fuckin' legs out. How'd you come up with that? Did you major in calculus? So I remember one time, he was hacking the Celtics so fuckin' bad, Robert Parrish

finally couldn't take it, and the play's goin' up the court, and he just fuckin' gave him two forearm smashes over the head, he chopped them down like a fuckin', do you ever see like when a guy who does not chop down a tree, chops down a tree and it falls into his house, that's the way he was hacking away at Lanbeer, and Lanbeer just put both his hands up like, you know, like George Michael when he was with Wham, and he just fuckin' went down. All right, he gave him two fuckin' friends, right, and he went down, the refs didn't see it, it was like wrestling, and then when they back, they went back and looked at the tape, they're like, yeah, well, you know, we should've called the file, and there

was no fines, there was no objections, there was no nothin', he just, you know, lived by the sword, died by the sword. There was so many of those, I just was thinkin' another one that I saw, they just, it just, nowadays, it just, Curry's out, they just fuckin' glidein' around, he's built like a muppet, I just don't understand, in this day and age, how that has happened, and the only thing that I can come up with is that the leagues are so fuckin' guilty, that, not guilty, greedy is that they realize that, you know, that offense sells tickets to the casual fan, you know what I mean, like, let's take the most boring game ever, and I'm not talkin' about horseshoes, I'm not talkin' about shuffleboard,

I'm not talkin' about darts, I have a course, I'm talkin' about soccer, okay, which the entire world has embraced except for us, and when you really look at it, that's probably why we're number one, you know what I mean? The rest of the world is too stupid to realize how boring that fuckin' game is, despite the fact that it's so fuckin' boring, that even their fans have to have campfires sing alongs as they wait for somethin' to happen. What's the matter with A&Hs, alright, just sittin' there, they're fuckin' scarves and shit. This is the thing about, oh man, I'm gonna get some fuckin' emails in this, this is the thing about fuckin' soccer, right? If they just let the forwards run past the final

line of defense, like in any other competitive fuckin' game where it's like, hey, I'm faster than you, I understand, like, offsides to a point, but it's gotta be just a line, like in hockey, and then after that, if I'm faster than you, if I can see the play developing before you do, I get by you, I don't have to fuckin' wait for ya, if they would just adjust that and you'd start to have some fuckin' 10 to eight games, I'm tellin' you, that game would blow up, it would blow up here in the United States, we would sit down and fuckin' watch it, you know why? Cause we don't understand the game. You know what I mean? If I was watchin' Cricket, right, I guess they score a lot in that fuckin' thing, that's a good one to just sit around

and booze with, but any fuckin' game that I'm not into, if somebody's crushin' it and everybody's flippin' out, I'm gonna be like, what's goin' on? I'm actually gonna sit there and watch it, like nobody, like when I walk by, you know, and soccer's on, I don't even look at it, but if I hear this guy go, goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, he's doing that I stop and I watch, you know? And I read all the fuckin' advertising's all over their fuckin' uniforms. I gotta tell you, the Premier League has the worst fuckin' uniforms I've ever seen in my life, you can't figure out who to fuck, and it doesn't say Man United, it doesn't say Liverpool, it just says Exxon and fuckin' Joey's Fish and Chips, fuckin' Banks,

I heard they're gonna do that in the NBA, but anyways, I think that that's what happened in the game, and I know I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'm too fuckin' busy to pay attention, and at the end of the day, I never really excelled in sports anyway, so who better to break down what's wrong with the fuckin' NBA than some stutterin' fuckin' prick like me? Um, I think you got an entire generation of people that grew up playin' Madden Football, and all of this shit, and everybody was the Globetrotters, and now they're just doing like the real version of it, alright? I love Steph Curry, he's the greatest shoot I've ever seen in my life, but watchin' him just glide down the fuckin' lane is ridiculous, which is why last night,

after the fuckin' whistle blows, he just decides like, oh, I'm just gonna fuckin' I'm gonna take a little layup here, you know, right next to LeBron James, and I loved that LeBron blocked it and looked at him like, get the fuck out of here, that's what they need to do, alright? You're not gonna beat these fuckin' guys playin' their goddamn game, tryin' to out-shoot fuckin' three-pointers or whatever the fuck it is they're doin', granted, I watched it with the sound down in the second half, um, they need to fuckin' they gotta, they gotta, I'm telling you, they gotta give them the ol' right there for it, that's what they gotta do, okay? That's what you do, if the other team is faster,

if the other team fuckin' you have to play physical, I'm not sayin' play dirty, Pittsburgh Penguin fans, I'm not sayin' you hire a fuckin' kneebreaker and end the career of the best player on their other team, I'm not sayin' that, all I'm sayin' is when the guy comes down the lane, your whole team should be yellin', clear a path, you know, and this guy looks like he's in the fuckin' Globetrotters, um, now, now that I'm done with that little fuckin' soliloquy, most of that was based in what happens as you get older, you know, and you start realizing your own mortality, and there's a couple of panic thoughts that you have, is, you know, the world is changing, I'm gonna die and it's gonna keep goin', poo-hoo-hoo, part of it was that, that the game has changed,

you know what I mean? I am kind of the old man goin', why can't they have short shorts again and clothesline somebody? It's amazing somebody's balls didn't come out, like, during that Rambus play, it's unbelievable that his junk didn't come out the side, he fuckin' literally did like, you know, like it, he did, he was doin' like a Thomas Flair in the air, and, dude, I actually retweeted the other day, it was in a game, Jack Sigma, Elbows, Kareem, Abdul-Jabbar, in the fuckin', like, right in, right in the, right in the old Solar Plexus, as they used to say in wrestling, and Kareem had to, like, fuckin' just run it off, like, fuck, so whatever happened on the play, where they see, uh, the Sonics hit the shot or not, they're goin' back up the court or whatever, no, they didn't,

because what's his face? Sigma was still settin' up, Kareem walked back into the play and just got a little in front of Jack Sigma, turned around, and punched him right in the face, and Sigma had that great hair, you know, that hair that, like, moves around if he get hit, you know, he had whiplash hair, the white version of it, where Thomas Hitman Hearns had the black version when he fought, uh, when he fought, um, Marvin Hagler, you know, if a black guy's gonna get punched in the head in a boxing match, you want him to have a Jerry curl, because it just adds to it when all that liquid just shoots off his fuckin' head, and Jack Sigma had the white version of it, where he had basically a Beatles haircut, so it just enhances, you really get to see, like, how much,

you know, whiplash somebody's enduring, um, all right, there we go, that's just the end of it, I, you know what it is, selfishly, I want to see seven games, um, and, uh, I would like to see, all right, one team's a finesse team, the other team's a physical team, I don't want to see any dirty play, but I don't see one team, you know, putting on their two twos, and trying to outfucking spin the other team, right, isn't that what I'm saying there, Nino? Sorry, I'm trying to plow my way through this podcast, so I gotta go, uh, do a table read there, you want to join the podcast, you just coming in to say hello? No, I just called, not today, I got one more day and I'm not today, but tomorrow, it's your birthday. Oh yeah, were you taking me, Chuck E Cheese?

Yep, surprise. I get it worked on. Come here, how do I feel about it? How do you feel about your birthday? Um, this is a weird one. Why? Because usually, at my, um, advanced age, I start going like, oh my god, I was this number, now I'm that number, right? This one, I don't, I've just sort of, you know, somewhere when I, during my year of being 47, I realized it's over. What's over? My sex appeal, my, uh, my dream of being one of People Magazine's 50 most beautiful people. Uh, yeah, that might be a little out of reach, but your sex appeal, I think, is getting strong. Oh, geez, is everybody gets a ribbon nowadays? Oh, that's true. So I just have settled into, uh, I went and I got glasses the other day. Yes, you did. Cleo, get out of there. Those are

great nuts. Those are not for you. Go fat, she's getting. She's not that fat. She's fat. You're fat and you're not going to get a date. No one's going to love you. No, I've been so busy. I've been able to, to what? Grab a microphone here because you're going to drive people nuts off, off the thing. Go get a call. You're going to drive me nuts. Okay. There's a microphone in the closet. Huh? Oh, I feel like the Nero and, uh, and, um, good felt. No, keep going. Right down there. Yeah. It was scaring me. Karen. Um, no, this one, I'm, I'm just now like, I'm kind of like, all right, I'm old. Now it's all about, and because I had sciatica, sciatica, sciatica, um, I realized now that all I give a shit is that if I just can sit down and not

have pain, I'll be fine. And I want to thank everybody that's, have given me all their, their, you know, remedies and all of that stuff. You know, it's funny. It's, yeah, it's funny as hell, how they fucking do it where it's, it's done with love, but in a Twitter way. Like, hey, fucking, just, if you have sciatica, just do this, get, get one of those foam rollers and roll out your paraformas. And it's like, I did that. I did that. I've done all of that shit. I actually went to the chiropractor again yesterday and he said that the swelling on my spine has gone down tremendously. I am now on the next level of healing where now I don't have pain. I just feel like, uh, it's a little tingly. Sometimes my foot falls asleep. I've been doing these stretches, a body

of mine at work. Got in this, you don't like doing those things where you hang upside down. Yeah. He got one that's actually not legal in this country. Um, but you, they sell it in Canada, Canada. You just basically, uh, you're more hanging from like your waist as opposed to my ankle. My dad was talking about, my dad was talking about the one where you hang from your ankles. Yeah. And what my chiropractor was saying was that that one, it puts stress on your joints because you got your whole body weight, puts like your ankles, your knees and your hips because your whole body weight with this other one. My dad loves that thing though. Yeah. I don't know. A lot of people love it for whatever reason, but I've been using the other one.

And that one would be like, uh, say like you're at the zoo and you're at the, uh, gorilla enclosure and you want to bend over and look for the dime you just fucking lost. This is a very timely example. Yeah. Just imagine that except you don't fall in. Right. And then they would have to shoot the gorilla. If an adult fell in there. Yeah. Would they have shot it with the tranquilizer thinking that maybe the adult could handle the fucking thrashing that he was going to get? I think that the adult would have had the presence of mind to like slowly try to back out of the situation as opposed to a baby. That's just kind of like sitting there. Can you give us an example of how you would slowly back out of a

situation with the gorilla? All right. You fall in. Oh my God. What would you say? Hey, man, like easy, easy. Well, you know, I'm terrified of primates. Like they just freak me out in general. So I don't really know what I would do because I just feel like what is I know what I would do common like DNA wise or something with a chimpanzee than they do with a gorilla. Like that freaks me out. I know. I know exactly what I would do. I don't I don't like it actually. I would curl up in the fetal position and I would cover up my face so he wouldn't rip it off. And I would just be like, if I got to take some gorilla fucking kidney shots, I would much rather take the easy becomes over and just fucking wails on me like from fucking ankle to

the side of my head. I will take that before I will I will just stand there with my face out waiting for you to rip it off. Well, like, do they? Yeah, I mean, I feel like that's probably the best way to go so they don't see you as like a threat or something. Like you just sort of submit to them or something. I don't know. But then I don't want them to be like, I'm sure this information is all the way to my wife now. Like it's just so weird. I don't know. They just they really freak me out. Remember when we went to Australia, you know, they're going to grab you by your ankle and just drag you around like a fucking like they did that little kid. I haven't watched it. Oh, remember when we went to Australia and I was doing a video of it. I don't want to watch that. So I did. I

did watch the one of the naked guy that walked into the lion enclosure and he's trying to kill himself. Oh, and the fucking his neck is in the guy in the fucking thing. I mean, I was talking about that on DVD. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, go ahead, grab my neck, but I still got to cover my junk. You still got to keep your boxes on, right? No, but this is the thing. The thing was just had him by his neck. Did he survive? Yeah, because I they must have just fed the fucking thing. So it just had him around the neck. And the guys literally he's got his arms around the things, the lion's neck. And then he's basically in any wrapped his legs around his body. He basically had it in the guard, like a jujitsu guard and the fucking lion around his throat. But he wasn't

shaking him or anything. And everybody was like, you know, going, Oh my god, I'm a god. And you know, and whatever fucking language, whatever country it was in there filming the guy, the guy was completely fucking naked. And yeah, he obviously had like mental issues, because if you're in sound mind and you kill yourself, you just like jump off something, right? Yeah, you don't wander into a land on somebody's, you know, Volkswagen Passat. Wait, but I wanted to say when we went to Australia that time, were you with me when I was in that monkey exhibit or whatever? And it looked like Planet of the Apes. And it was freaking me out. And then we went into that other little side room. And there was a monkey behind the glass. And everyone was looking at it and taking

pictures and started rocking back and forth. And I was like, that thing is about to freak out. And then it threw itself up against the glass and like screamed and yelled. And everyone was like, Oh my gosh. And then the other chimp came in. Yes, it came in and like tried to come and I it hugged it. Yeah, we thought they were going to fight. And then they embraced each other. And then they like put their backs toward the glass with one of them's arm around the other, like it's going to be okay, like we're going to get out of here someday. It was so emotional. And it was so scary. I just, I can't, I don't know, I can't deal with it. Like that scene in the trailer for Tarzan, the legend of Tarzan, where the monkey comes in and like sees the Tarzan and

the bassinet and then picks it up and then leaves with it. It's just like, I don't know. I don't like that shit. I just think it's really weird. I mean, if that was in the wild, they would, they would eat that baby and they would actually leave it a little, keep it alive as long as they could because they enjoy the screaming because it brings the fucking. Is that true? That they get off on it, man. Do chimpanzees are fucking evil. Gorillas are chill. Gorillas don't have anything to prove. Chimps have the short man's disease. Yeah, I feel like gorillas are a little more chill. And then he got those tweaker monkeys, right? The meth head ones, those ones that throw their shit at you. The chimpanzee was the one that like threw itself up against the glass and was like

really loud and screaming. Yeah, the gorillas seem a little bit more peaceful. Those are the ones that are handsome. Like you saw that one gorilla that everyone was freaking out about in the zoo in Japan because everyone thought it was like a good, it's actually a very good looking gorilla. Yeah, that was weird. It was weird. It was really weird. You'll never find another gorilla like me. Yeah, like sexy gorilla. That's why they freak me out. They're just so human like that it's just, it's unsettling to me. And I don't like when they make gorillas have agendas like that commercial where the little girl is deaf and she's doing sign language with the other gorilla. It's like all very sweet. It goes an orangutan.

A what? An orangutan. That's the ones that look, if I was a fucking chimp, that's what I would look like. The ones with all the stringy hair. The orange ones that look like old men. But they're like sign language in each other. And it's like, oh, that's sweet. Like they're communicating through sign language. And then all of a sudden that orangutan is like, oh, but like the way you live is destroying my life. And it's like, wait a minute. And it was like for about palm oil or peanut oil. And I was like, don't get the monkey involved in your shit. Everything's a fucking cause now. Did you see, I told you this morning, I didn't see the, I mean, I get it, but don't bring the animals into it and deaf children. Like I just felt like

that was, yeah, it's fucking monkeys with their agendas. I didn't, I didn't see the clip. But I just, I just read about it. Some reporter asked Bernie Sanders, the fact that he's staying in the race, they asked him if he was being sexist by staying in it. Yeah. Like he couldn't handle losing to a whole month. Why is that sexist for him to stay in there? Because the reporter wants Hillary Clinton, they want him out. They want him out. They want Trump out. Even Republicans, like where the money's at, they are going to accept Hillary Clinton before Trump and before Bernie Sanders. And what I love about Trump and Bernie Sanders was it showed that enough Americans are sick of the standard Republican Democrat. Like Hillary

Clinton is the standard fucking Democrat. She's got the same money in her pockets, the Republican, the general Republican candidate would have had any of those other fucking guys that was running basically. And it's, you know, it's just, that means just the one percent's going to get more fucking rich and they're going to push down the middle class, the same fucking bullshit. They're going to stay the course. They don't want somebody that's off to the side. I get it. I just had a scary thought. What was that? Trump president? No, I was thinking about, I don't know, that Arangatan thing and I just literally got a picture of an Arangatan. Yeah. Like in the white house. I said Tang like to drink my whole life. Isn't it Arangatan? No,

it's Arangatan. It is? Nobody said it. I don't think that's true. Well, oh wait, is it? I don't know. Arangatan. I just, I just, it was making me think of Planet of the Apes where it's like, right there, take over. Oh yeah. Yep. And I gotta admit, everybody made fun of what's his face for spelling potato with an E. I always did potato, potato. I think I used to smell, I mean, spell tomato with an E at the end because the toe. Yeah. It's like, there's a toe. So we're both dumb. I am. That's why we found each other. That's right. Because there was no one to be on the date going like, oh my God, this person's an idiot. We were both going like, wow, this person gets me. I'm excited for your birthday tomorrow. You'll never find, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Yeah,

you are. You're very resigned this year, I've noticed. You're not talking about it as much. Oh, because I'm in the writer's room. I know what's going to happen my birthday. I'm going to fucking go to the writer's room and stare at a computer all day. Yeah. What if this person says this and that calls back to that? Does the story till still track? Yeah, but they'll probably give you a cake at the office. No. Because there's somebody's birthday was yesterday. That was the eight. Oh yeah, you guys have a month of birthday. Today's the ninth and mine is Friday. Yeah. If they get a cake, birthday, you know, if they get me a cake, it's because they all want cake. No, I know what I want to do for my birthday. What do you want to do for your birthday? Tell me.

Well, you know, in a perfect world, my back would be fine and I'd take you up in the helicopter with an instructor, of course, you know. Oh, that would be fun. Yeah. And we'd fly over the ocean and I'd be singing when the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie, that's a mori. I would do that. My name is John Daker. My name is John Daker. That's my favorite fucking thing ever. I just more than any question in the world. The mori. What's the first religious song you sing? So I like when it goes when he ends and he just goes, oh, he had a fucking meltdown. He was on TV and he just got in his fucking head. And I don't think he'd ever been in his head in his life. I bet he's a really cerebral guy and he couldn't understand that for the first time ever,

his brain was failing him. He was really looking around like, I'm just as confused about this as you are. He did. He choked. And I feel like in church or wherever it is, because the woman playing the piano, she's like, I guess she gives lessons in that town. And I'm sure that in church, he kills it. But then he's in that public access studio. I don't think he kills it. I think he can sing. He can carry a tune. And they bury him with like 40 people around him. He's probably still weird. What kind of car do you think he drives? Something very old and something like tragically unhipped. It's brown. He drives a brown car with a brown interior. It's just brown on brown.

Yeah, like an old Pontiac Bonneville. My name is John Daker. My name is John Daker. What the fuck? There's so much. You guys have to see this. No, no, I already already talked about it. You're talking about it already? Oh my God. I really do love it. We got a table read. So I got to go over my lines here today. The Nino. Bebo. I got to do a little some reads here. All right, Helix. Helix? I don't know.

Helix. Probably Helix. Helix. You're unique. You don't walk like anyone else. Talk like anyone else or sleep like anyone else. So why is your mattress one size fits all? I don't know because we're all basically the same height, you know, unless you're like an NBA freak. Because a truly customized mattress will cost you five to 10,000 bucks until now. Now. Now. Now. My name is John Daker. Go to helixsleep.com. Helixsleep.com. I keep thinking of the band for answer a few simple questions and they'll run a 3D biochemical model of your body through the proprietary algorithms they've developed with the help of the world's leading ergonomics and biomechanics. Is this like just

a troll me? Biomechanics experts. This was a mistake. Well, you know why? Because my brain is already going. All right. So they take a 3D image of your body and then that's on the internet somewhere, right? It's a custom mattress. Yeah. But any information goes on the internet. People can hack in. So someone hacks in and see what that year. They take that 511. No. And then they make some blow up to all of your body and then someone's fucking a rubber version of you over in the Pacific with the bill burst. That's all again. Yeah. This is I have a theory about the internet. I don't give a fuck what it is. Somebody's jerking off to it. I don't care. Yeah. There's somebody that gets excited about a kid getting dragged around by his ankle by a fucking gorilla.

You used to say that about the Goodwill too. Like you didn't like it because you just assume that everyone just jizzed on everything. Like all the clothes and all that. It's like a really cool vintage stuff. You're like, I don't want something that somebody jizzed on. Yeah. And I'm like, why do you automatically go to somebody jizzed on something? Because people are animals. Because people show go out to public events in their bare feet. That's why you want this sweatpants? You want somebody's old couch? Everything's been fucked on or it's just that's gross. Animals. All right. Let's continue with the advertising. Helix. Yeah. I doubt the band was called Helix also, by the way. Yes, they were. Oh,

are you sure? Like you've heard of like a double helix. Like that's not what they're talking about. Oh, no, it wasn't that deep. Oh, give me an R, R, O, O, C, C, K. And what you're going to do, rock. You don't remember? There's deep lyrics back in the 80s. Helix. Helix customers report a 30% improvement in overall sleep quality. I should really do this with my sciatica. And for couples, they customize each side of the mattress. Oh, wow, we can learn so much better. Your mattress arrives at your door in about one week and shipping is 100% free. That's why everyone from GQ Magazine to Forbes are all talking about Helix sleep. You have 100 nights to try it out. And if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free gross and give you 100% refund. No

questions asked. I want to try this mattress. You're ruining it for us. Hey, what is that state? I thought you said no questions. My fault. Go to helixsleep.com slash burr and get $50 off your order. That's helixsleep.com slash burr. Helixsleep.com slash burr. I'm sure they're great. You know, I got to fuck around so people keep listening. Oh boy, here we go. Club Debbie. What? Club Debbie. Club Debbie? W. Club W. Mike Bush, Club Debbie. Okay. I speak Spanish. Convenience. Club Debbie. My dad's damn South America. Delivers wine straight to your door, personalized. We send you wine that is personalized to your palate slash taste through our palate quiz. Our recommendations become even more personalized with every bottle you rate. See,

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first order when you go to Club Debbie. Don't do that to them. I never really won the election. Dot com slash burr and it gets even better. I know y'all hate paying. Why is it blowing out here? I know y'all hate paying for shipping. So Club Debbie should have voted for Jib. We'll actually pay for your shipping on orders of four bottles or more. So take some time off your to-do list. Just go to Club Debbie. I never really did anything. Dot com slash burr. Safe on my watch. To get $20 off your first order now, that's Club Debbie. Dot com slash burr. Oh, and the last one. Oh, our old friend zip. Procruiter. Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your jobs to find the best candidates?

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your titties. Come on over. Find out why zip. Procruiter has been used by over 800,000 businesses. And right now my listeners can try zip. Procruiter for free by going to zip. Procruiter.com slash burr that zip. Procruiter.com slash burr. There's too many of these. One more time. Hey zip. Procruiter.com slash burr. All right. There you go. And that's your podcast. Just checking in on you. Please go to all things comedy.com to listen to more podcasts and see some fine, friendly, funny faces. And an apology from the great Andrew Themolus last year last week. He accidentally had some repeat material. He wanted me to apologize on Monday for that. I forgot to. So his sincerest apologies and condolences during this difficult time for

all of you. Please enjoy this music. Please enjoy this music. I'm actually going to tell him to play Herbie Hancock's chameleon. Happy pre-birthday, baby. Oh, thank you very much. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, old freckles. Happy birthday to you, you freckled cunt. All right, I'll talk to you guys on Monday. Have a good weekend, you sons of bitches. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. The Monday Morning Podcast. And I am in Raleigh Durham Airport. I don't know if it's, I think they actually have the balls to call us an international airport. I'm not sure. I don't think it's international because the lines went that

long. That's one of the dumbest things I've ever fucking said. I don't think it's international. The lines went that long. Really? You didn't see anybody on a fucking genie rug? So you don't think it flies anywhere else, you idiot? All right, I'm not in a good mood. Why, Bill? Why aren't you in a good mood? I'll tell you why, because because I'm in Raleigh, North Carolina, there's no direct flights to Los Angeles. So for some fucking reason, I have to, oh, God, the lady with the voice. Hang on a second. Every five seconds. Yes. Okay. All right. Okay. For a phone message, what, you don't have a cell phone with friends who have that number? Unbelievable. Pick up a courtesy phone.

It's so fucking stupid. Everybody has cell phones. Why would you use that archaic form in an airport? Okay, whatever. Anyways, yeah, so I'm in Raleigh and I want to get to LA. For some fucking reason, I have to fly to Cleveland first. And it's annoying enough when you have the connecting flight, but why can't it be in a city that's at least going in the direction that I want to go? I want to go fucking west. They're making me fly north. It's a little bit west, but at the end of the day, it's fucking north. Going north of the Mason-Dixon line. Mason-Dixon line just to keep... What is that? The lady's talking so fucking loud over there. Why isn't, you know, in society, why can't I just, why can't I just lean over to her right now and just be like,

hey, hey lady, lady, yeah, you do. Could you shut the fuck up, please? Or at the very least, could you talk a lot quieter? Because no one gives a fuck about whatever the fuck it is that you're yelling about a bunch of stupid fucking board meetings. You know what I mean? Who the fuck are you talking to? It's fucking, I guess it's 10, 25 in the morning. You know? You know what's annoying me is she's talking really loud in her eyebrows or at full fucking mass. Oh, Jesus. Does anybody even listen to these announcements? Oh, look at this person coming by. She's got the P. Diddy syndrome or the Shaquille O'Neal syndrome. You know those people... Okay, here's on a Cosby shirt. You know those people who fucking their mouths are open even

when they're not talking? I call that P. Diddy syndrome. Is that what you call it, Bill? Yeah, that is what I call it. All right. I have a flask of time on all PM that I'm going to be taking, but I can't take it because I have a connecting flight. So I'm going to stay awake till I get to Cleveland. By the way, my flight to Cleveland is delayed. You know, they said because of wind, you know what I mean? Really rough wind, which I don't really understand. You know? It's like, isn't that how the fucking plane gets off the ground? You wait for a gust of wind and you drive into it. You know? And granted, I never took a physics class. I was kidding. I don't even know how the fucking plane gets off the ground,

which is one of the reasons why I have such a fear of flying. Think if I actually understood it. If anybody listening to this could actually explain in layman's terms how a fucking 10-ton piece of metal with a bunch of people in various forms of physical condition can get off the goddamn ground, actually get how it gets off the ground. I just don't understand how it stays off the ground. Like, I can get off the ground. I can take a running leap, you know, and for good 0.8 seconds I am actually airborne, but I quickly come crashing down to the ground and roll my fucking ankle. You know? It's kind of like a boat too. How the fuck is a boat not sink? You know what I mean? Did you just displace the weight across the water still? I don't,

you know? Then a bunch of people get on and then it still doesn't sink. It just goes down into the water a little bit more. All right, I think we've established that. Jesus Christ, look how this guy is dressed. Some guy, he looks like he should be yodeling. He has on khaki shorts that are about five inches above his knee. Some sort of brown, low-cut, suede hiking shoes with ankle, below the ankle black socks. He just needs like a, I think what do you call it, a shaft? One of those sticks with the, with the curl on it. Jesus Christ, he's probably going to a whorehouse. This looks like he has some sort of twisted fetish. I don't know what's in that briefcase. He's drinking coffee, but he's trying to appear normal. Anyways, if you're new to this page, this is the Monday

morning podcast. I do one of these every single week. I hype upcoming gigs. I rant about bullshit and people send me questions and I try to answer them to the best of my ability. And yeah, that's about it. And I got to admit, my computer is tucked away in my bag and I don't know what the fuck the questions are for the second, second week in a row. You know, it is, I have one of those, I have one of those G4 Macs. I'm at, my laptop is about four years old and actually have legs on it, like an old TV and in an antenna. It's fucking old, all right. And the battery evidently is defective. So when I turn it on, it loses battery power about nine seconds. Actually, we'll say I have 75% battery power and then it says I'm two seconds,

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. All right, let's just get to the shit I have coming up in my career. I had stand up on the guys' choice awards for Spike TV and that is going to be that's going to be airing on June 22nd, Sunday night on Spike TV. It's actually a pretty big award show. I was very amazed at the level of celebrity that was there, like Harrison Ford, Cameron Diaz, Jeremy Piven. You know what I mean? It's Spike TV, no offense, but I thought I was going to be like Lee Majors and Mickey Dolan and me, you know? That's what I thought I was going to be and then I showed up. I was like, holy shit, you know? Is that Steve Carell? Yes, it is. Isn't that amazing? And I was not seated at his table. I was seated at his table. I don't know what the

fuck. One guy was a reality show director and the rest of them were seat-filling whores, I think. At least that's what it said on their name tag. So anyways, all right, let's get to the podcast questions that I can remember. Ah, fuck with the announcement. Can't have your attention, please. These fucking airports, they make you hate. Every goddamn flight is delayed. I'm actually looking, these are the first horrific thought I had of the day. I have the USA Today paper in front of me and one of the pictures they have is of, this guy looks like he's into bowling. If you don't mind, I can describe him, all right? He's got a checkered shirt on with a t-shirt underneath it and he's about up to his mantits in water hanging onto a rubber raft that has some coast guard

looking guy in it. He's basically too fat to get in the fucking boat and he's walking along and it said Midwest Storm turns deadly and it says seven reported dead at the tornadoes and heavy rain pound states in the heartland. So I'm like, wow, that's, you know, at least I'm not fucking up to my mantits in rainwater. You know, it's probably eels and fucking water moccasins and shit, but then there's a part of me because there's so many goddamn people is kind of happy. You know, wash away a few, let the traffic go down a little bit. It's not a fucking terrible thought, but I actually think that shit. Underneath that, it says FDA's tomato warnings grow. This is all the happy news I've looked at today. Outbreak of Salmonella from raw tomatoes spreads

to 16 states with up to 150 people reported ill. You know, now a lot of people would look at that like that's a bad thing, but I look at it like, look, those 150 people fucking die from eating tomatoes or at the very least get some horrific case of diarrhea where they're not going to get into a car. You know, the roads would be a little bit clearer. You know, somebody, I guess, this is all the happy news. They don't have one fucking happy thing on the front page. What do we got here? U.S. gas average $4 and rising, and then they have a cartoon picture of a hand squeezing a house with money falling out of the bottom. You know what the funny thing is, is if they didn't even bring this shit up, I wouldn't even know it was happening. Who would know that houses were fucking

the values dropping? How would you even know that if they didn't bring it up? Why don't they just stop talking about it and we'll all walk around like happy idiots. We'll continue to spend our money in malls and there won't be a recession. You know what, that might be the second dumbest thing I've ever said. You know something, I really resent the way fucking pilots get addressed like they're on the low boat. You know what I mean? What is that? What is that awful fucking uniform? Now, of course, he's going to sit next to me so I can't make fun of him. You know what I mean? I hate the shoulder pads with the stripes on them. You know what I mean? Is that they just came back from battle

as opposed to a round trip to fucking Seattle. You know what I mean? I don't know. There's a guy who shops at Target. You know, he's going to those shiny golf shirts on and those Seinfeld white sneakers. You know what, there isn't one well-dressed person in Raleigh Durham airport. I keep thinking everybody has on a Cosby shirt but it's the same fucking guy. He just keeps pacing back and forth. So every time, you know, I look up, he's on my right and then I look down, I look up, he's on my left and I think it's a different guy. This lady's definitely a mother. I can hear with the little personal-sized pizza, mothering hips, swinging to and throw. That guy's a psycho. Look at him. He's got a backpack. Probably tried to hike the Appalachian

Trail. He got fucking rickets. All right. So yeah, what the fuck was I talking about? My girlfriend wants to see Kung Fu Panda. That's what I have to look forward to when I get back to LA. Just want to see a goddamn cartoon about some fucking martial arts. Why would a fucking panda need to learn Kung Fu? You know what I mean? Why would it need how to throw kicks when everybody knows that a bear naturally just has that like you ever see like a watch discovery channel and I show a bear killing like a, I don't know, fucking yak. What the fuck did they kill? An elk or a deer? They don't come up and grab it by the throat. All right. All messy. Like all those other predators. The bears come up. They have

like that fucking, how do you describe it? They've got fucking bionic bitch slap. You know what I mean? Just bam. Just breaks their neck. So right there. That's the grizzly bear equivalent of the one inch punch. Will you stop yelling? I think she kind of heard me on that. She's literally looking at me screaming. Can you hear her voice? She's one of those fucking women. I hate women who are like 40 years old and they talk like they're eight. It's probably like guys kill their wives. It's a while they just get sick of their voices. God, what a stupid fucking thing to say. You know what? This is the bills and moron podcast today. I've just done a bad fucking move. Fucking plain was supposed to take off at 10, 15, 10, 45. I got some 40-year-old lady with a kid's voice screaming

and then I got the, oh fuck my plane's here. Look at that. You know what's funny? The plane that I'm flying from Raleigh Durham International Airport, Esquire, actually looks like the kind of plane that Tom Cruise flies by himself. I was getting excited when I see those because I imagine that I'm a fucking rock star and I'm getting on it by myself as opposed to the fact that I'm getting on to it with 40 other people. This is how fucked up Raleigh, North Carolina is as far as a airport goes. The plane actually flew down here from New York City and I flew down here on a plane that had propellers. I'm not even lying to you, but it was a new plane. I was like, wow, they're still going with this. You know what I mean? It was one of those deals. There was so few people on the flight

that I was sitting in like seat 5A and they go, sir, excuse me, sir, excuse me, sir. I'm like, bitch, fucking bitch, what? Excuse me, bitch. She's like, sir, I didn't say that. That's what I was thinking. I just said yes, but the underlying, the way I said it was like what? She's like, I need you to move to the back of the plane so we can redistribute the weight. You know what I mean? And it's like really? You're basically telling me if I don't go to the back of this plane that it's going to like what? Fucking tip over when we go to take off? How do you think that makes me feel as a customer? You know what I mean? But you know, they don't give a shit. Fucking hilarious. She makes me move back, but she fits up front. You know what I mean? And when

that stupid little fold down stewardess chair, it's like, why don't you sit in the back? I'm a customer. Okay, I want to stay here with this lady. She dressed like my fourth grade teacher. Wow, black on black pants suit with Bruce Lee kung fu shoes and a shiny pink blouse underneath it. I don't know if she's dressed like my fourth grade teacher or Nancy Reagan. One or the other? She's dressed like a first lady. Oh, fuck me. All right. Wow. Let's get out of this fucking. Oh, he guides in the planes. That's why his shirt's so bright. It's why his shirt's so bright and his mustache is so short.

That girl does not trim her bush. You can just tell. Just tell us. She's going all natural. I don't know what it is about her. That lady there has an above ground swimming pool and her, yeah, look at that shoulder tattoo. I fucking nailed it. I know it's above ground swimming pool. They eat stuffed crust pizza. The guy there is good at basketball because he's in shape. He's black and he has dreadlocks right there, which means he's like the sixth man. You ever notice that? The black dudes with the dreadlocks, they're like the rebound guy. You know what I mean? There's never been a Michael Jordan style player with dreadlocks. If you got dreadlocks and you play in the NBA, you get like fucking 12 rebounds a game

and you can knock out 12 old ladies with your fucking elbow. I don't know what. All right. I ran out of references there. Wow. Capri pants, khaki capri pants. There you go. You're married. There's no reason to give a fuck anymore. Why would you dress like that? Look at this black guy. Here you go. He's still going with the extra baggy shit. Wow, that look was like 10 years ago. Remember that one? Black guys would go to Foot Locker and they would buy those quadruple fucking XL t-shirts even though they were five foot six. I always thought they looked like, you know, like after you bang a broad over there in the next morning, you know, she gets up and puts on one of your t-shirts. All right. I'm just making fun

of people not because I'm like, well, I am kind of a cunt, but I'm just making fun of them because I don't have my podcast questions in front of me. So why don't we hide some upcoming gigs? That lady looks like Robert Plant from behind. Oh, it's the same fucking lady. She's got all kinds of looks going on. What happened to Robert Plant, man? Jesus Christ. That guy looked great right up to age 46 and all of a sudden now he looks like he should be in like a children's book, like one of those. He looks like a troll. What about a fairy tale? That's what he looks like. Robert Plant looks like he's in a fairy tale. You know what it is? This is a cool thing about life is even if you stay in shape,

life is still going to make you look awful because for some reason, even if you stay at your high school weight, your fucking head never stops growing. So if you don't get a little out of shape, you look fucking ridiculous. You look like, I just lost my train of thought. I gotta stop taking this time when I'll see him. No, you know what you look like? Have you seen that fucking guy? He's like 45 years old and he's shredded. I might have talked about this last week. That guy with the mic upside. You know, that guy late at night, he does all the physical fitness shit.

He's like 46 years old and he's shredded. But for some reason, he still looks weird. And it's his head because his head, I know it's not the head. It's your fucking nose. It's your ears or something like that. Something about your head. It just keeps getting bigger. Like classic example is Ted Kennedy. Okay. Ted Kennedy has been in the news lately. He has got a fucking brain tumor or something, right? If you look at that guy's head in the 60s, granted, all those Kennedys had big heads. You know what I mean? It's one of the reasons why two of them got assassinated. It's like, there was no way to miss. All right, that's just fucking me. It really is, but I gotta tell you something, man.

I saw Ted Kennedy. I shook his hand one time and his head is as big as the seat that I'm sitting in. He has the biggest fucking head I've ever... It was unbelievable. I was just staring at it. I couldn't fucking... And I got a big head, but this guy's fucking head was huge. And you probably wonder how did I meet him? I actually... I fucking shook his hand and Bill Clinton's hand. The long fucking story. Just remind me, I'll tell it to you next week. Let's stay on track here with how big his fucking head is. I just kept looking. I just could not believe the size of it. I just wanted to... I wish there was a way to just hold his head just to see how much it weighed.

I'm not even joking. I bet his head weighs like 27 pounds. 27 fucking pounds. I mean, think about that. Who out there lists weights? You know that? When you're doing your warm-up set and you grab like... Let's go with 35. The 35-pound plates, you know? You can do with one hand. You know what they should have? They should have like part of the strongman competition. Instead of those little kettleballs there, they should have like little Kennedy heads. And each one of them gets us a stupid idea. You know what? That's why I don't have a fucking show on TV. All right. Let's get to hyping the upcoming gigs.

First of all, I just was in Raleigh, North Carolina at Good Nights Comedy Club. I want to thank everybody who came out to the shows. I had a great time. And I got drunk every night down at the bar downstairs. And I watched my Celtics go up two games to none. And I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't watch one Celtic game all year. I fucking hate Pro Hoop. Pro Hoop is the worst. It's just too goddamn long. You watch college basketball. It's exciting. The crowd's into it. And it's over. It seems like it's over in an hour. Pro Hoop with the fucking fouls and the timeouts. I mean, that's final five minutes. Final five minutes. It takes like 45 minutes to play to the point you don't even give a

shit anymore. But a little test of Phil Jackson for bitching about the fouls. You know what I mean? Fucking baby. I can tell you right now if you gamble, definitely bet on the Lakers. Definitely bet on the Lakers on game three because they are going to call 9,000 fouls on the fucking Celtics because Phil Jackson's a fucking baby. You know what I mean? Give me a goddamn break. What about that guy in the Lakers who stopped dribbling at half court, ran the West rest of the way and dunked the ball and they didn't call traveling? What about that? Okay, you were getting calls too. I don't want to hear it. And also, that 2-3-2 playoff system is bullshit. You know what I mean? You give home court

advantage to the fucking visitor through game five. They keep saying the Celtics have home court. They don't. The next three games are in LA. We got to spend a fucking week out there. May I have your attention, please? Would the person who left their cunt next to the dildo please report to the fucking front office? All right. I'm starting to talk way too loud with Tourette's. I don't know, man. I thought the Lakers were going to beat us in like six games. I thought they were going to crush us. I'm really impressed. Ray Allen keeps hitting his shots. We're just going to have to weather the storm. I think Kobe's going to get 30, 40 every game if we can just somehow weather that storm. I don't know. I still think it's going seven

games and I don't know. It's going to be great. It's going to be great. I just don't watch the ESPN anymore. It's fucking jackass. It's just so overhyped everything. Look at this lady. Jesus Christ, she's never committed a crime in her life. I pay my taxes. I go to church every week. I have a little tote bag. It's a smart bag and I pack the exact perfect amount of clothes. I don't swallow. Man, I'm getting crude on these podcasts. I got to stop with this. Okay. All right. Well, that was a good 25 minutes. There you go. There's a good damn there, half hour of silliness to get your week started off right. I hope all you guys have a great week and something. Just be happy you don't travel for a living. And if you travel for a

living, you know, my condolences because this shit is ridiculous. But anyways, upcoming gigs, like I said, Spike TV, The Guy's Choice Awards, June 22. It's the first time I ever did an award show and I killed on it. Hopefully it will come across that way on TV. You never know what happens in post-production, but I was really excited to do that. And I'm going to be at the punch line in Atlanta on Jesus Christ. Let's test my memory. I think it's June 19 through the 21st. The date should be right there. What else do I got? I got Pittsburgh coming up and what else do I have? The Improv in Miami in August. That's all I can really remember for the summer because I'm getting old. Speaking of which, my 40th birthday is tomorrow. And oh, for the love of Christ.

With the person who left the butt plug, we have a bag of butt plugs down near the concourse. Oh, is this me? This is me. Okay, they're boarding my flight. Thanks for hanging out with me as I waited for my trip back to LA via Cleveland flying to fucking Cleveland. I just wish I wasn't going to Cleveland. All right, that's it. Please keep the podcast questions coming. I'm going to answer like 9 million podcast questions next week because I do have all of them in my fucking, my old ass lap. My laptop is made out of wood. Thank you. That's how fucking old it is. All right, I'm getting on the plane. I'm going to take some more. No, I can't take Tylenol PM because I'll sleep through my fucking connecting flight. I'm going to take it after I get on the plane.

Oh, you want to hear something fucking hilarious? I called my dad yesterday and I wished him a happy father's day. And he's like, son, I love you to death, but it's next Sunday, you dumb fuck. And then he wished me a happy birthday for tomorrow. And I was like, yeah, well, my birthday's on Tuesday. That's where I get it. You old dumb fuck. And that's our relationship. Isn't that cute family little story? All right, I'm a lead access me and 90 other people here. So I'm going to get on this fucking thing. What are you saying? Okay. All right, that's it. Thanks for listening. Please keep the questions coming and please somebody explain to me how a boat floats and how a plane feels. All right, thank you.

Oh, my God, you guys, I have to tell you this story. So I'm flying. So I do an episode of crawl show. And always working with Nick Crow. You're guaranteed you're going to laugh your ass off all fucking day. Can I kiss the kids ass? And I fucking love him. I think he's, I think he's a fucking genius. So anyways, I go, I go to the airport, and I'm taking the red eye, taking this 1055 flight non fucking stop, because that's how I do it. All right. I'm on a good plane. Why would I want to get off it and switch and roll the dice and get on another one? You know, let's just fucking get there. When it when I drive up to San Francisco, I don't pull over and fucking Burbank and then get another cut. We get it, Bill. All right. So I get on the

fucking plane, right? I use my miles, bump myself up like a fancy person, you know, maybe, maybe I invented the cheesecake factory people are thinking and then they see how I'm dressed and they go, Oh, no, he didn't invent the cheesecake factory. And I go to go to sit down on my seat and I go to set my bag down, I was going to set it down right in front of me and the nice fella sitting next to me goes, why don't you stick it in the middle of this room? And he moved his bag out of the way. I'm like, All right, this guy's a solid dude or whatever. And then all of a sudden, the waitress comes by a stewardess, whatever she comes by flight attendant, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call him, she comes up and she could I get you a drink and I was like, Yeah, can I get

out? Let me get a water, please. Ice or no ice? What? However you make it. Stop acting like it's a fucking martini. It's all right. Just give me a water with ice. Thank you. And the guy next to me, he orders a doers knee, no ice, no nothing, just put it in there. So they bring our drinks. All right. And I'm really thirsty. So I start sucking mine down and he just throws his back like it's nothing like fucking John Wayne, right before he's going to turn around and beat up three guys, three mustachioed guys in the 1930s, right? So I'm just sitting there and everybody's getting on the flight, you know, and I'm looking around at the passengers, you know, fucking doing whatever I'm doing. And all of a sudden, the guy next to me,

Mr. Doers goes to me goes, Excuse me, he goes, Are you afraid to fly? And I looked at him and I was like, What? He goes, Are you afraid to fly? And I go, No, no, I'm not. And he goes, he goes, All right, but you know, it's, he goes, It's okay. You know, it's okay to tell me if you're afraid to fly. And it's immediately getting weird. And I'm like, No, I'm not afraid to fly. And then I'm thinking in my head, Wait, is he afraid to fly? And that's why he's drinking the way he just drank. And now he's hoping that I'm going to be afraid to fly. So he, you know, he just wants to open up. That's what I'm thinking. And I go, I'm like, Yeah, no, I'm not afraid to fly. And he won't leave it alone. He goes, All right, because you know, you're,

you're, you're fidgeting, you're looking around at other passengers. And I'm sitting there looking at like, Is this guy fucking serious? And I go, No, I go, I'm not afraid to fly. So now I'm like, Fuck this guy, I'm not talking to this guy for the rest of the flight. This guy's weird, man. It's like 30, just get paint to pictures like 32 year old, wiry, in shape, but like wiry white dude, he's got a scully cap on with fucking glasses. You know, and he goes, like, there's like a minute of silence and people are still getting on the plane. And then he goes, Hey, sorry about that. Sorry, we just, we just got off on the wrong foot. He's like, My name's so and so he goes, What's your name? And then I'm thinking in my head,

like, What's my name? My name's Frank. I wanted to give him like a by just somebody's. I just went, it's Bill. And he goes, Oh, hey, Bill. And he goes, Nice to meet you. So we shake hands. And I'm just looking at, I don't have any poker face. I'm looking at the guy like, What the fuck is your problem? I'm not even trying to not, I'm not trying to be pleasant. I'm already done with this guy. So then the guy goes, Oh, hey, Bill, he goes, Why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? Right? Like he's fucking interrogating me. And I, I'm like, Is this guy fucking serious? And I start doing the math in my head going, Wait, is this guy like an air marshal or something? And I'm like, No, he's not. He's

fucking slamming booze over here. Fuck this guy. So I just go, I go, Look, I don't have to answer your questions. That's it. And I just looked straight forward. He goes, Okay, now I'm concerned. Okay, I am concerned. And I'm looking at him like concerned about what he goes, You're fidgeting your, you have issues with other passengers and blah, blah, blah. He starts painting like this, like he's been, I don't know what the fuck like psychologically breaking me down. All right. So now just by this point, they've closed the fucking the door to the fuselage. And we're starting to taxi. And I just finally look at the guy and I go,

I go, you know, I came up with the fight. At one point I literally stick my hand out because he kept saying I was nervous and I stick my hand right in front of his face and I hold it level. Oh, that's what I did the first time. Yeah, I hold it level. I go, I'm not nervous. And he goes, Well, anybody can do that. And that's when I was like, Fuck this guy. I'm not talking to the guy. Sorry, I fucked the story up. Then he, then he came back, got my name. Now he's going, Why are you going to Indianapolis? And I finally look at him. I say, Listen, pal, I'm drinking waters. You're drinking doers. Okay. There's no issue over here. And then he goes, It wasn't doers. What she gave me wasn't doers. Really? What was it? Some sort of spy juice?

You fucking jerk off. This point I want to punch him right through his fucking stupid, wiry glasses. Right? So he's going like you're looking around hospitals. And I said something that just ticked him off. I was just, Yeah, dude, I go, I don't have to answer your questions. All right, leave me alone. And then he goes, he goes, he goes, he starts going like, Okay, now I am really concerned right now. He goes, Why are you going to Indianapolis? And I just look at him. You know where I start doing? I start doing like this Ryan Gosling. You know, that little smirk that fucking Mona Lisa smile he has as he smirks his way through all this fucking movies. I go full on Ryan Gosling. Now I'm not talking to this guy. And I just keep looking at him.

And I give him that little half a smirk. And I just shake my head. That's my game now. That's, this is my, it's like, if you're going to be a dick right now with your fucking delusional authority, right? That you're going to select wearing fucking Guantanamo and you're going to waterboard me. There's no water. There's no board. Go fuck yourself. Here's my smirk. And I'm just going to shake my head at you like you're a fucking pathetic human being. This is what I'm doing. Right. And this is the funny thing. I'm such a dick. All I have to say to the guys, I'm a comedian. I'm going to do a sold out show there and that would make him back off. But I'm a dick. I'm like, fuck this guy. I want to see where this is going.

So now he's all fucking amped up and he starts dropping F, you know, he's saying the F word. He's sitting there going, if you don't, he goes, if you don't fucking answer my question, right fucking now, I'm going to hit that call button. We're sitting there taxiing down the fucking getting in the line. I'm going to fucking hit this fucking button. If you blah, blah, blah, and I'm just fucking Mona Lisa smile, smirking, just shaking my head like you are a fucking retard. Right. So now he's, he's saying the F word so much. The lady who's sitting in front of me, diagonally in front, right in front of him, turns around and looks at us and now my heart's racing. I'm like, where's this going? This is going to be great. I am a hundred percent fucking innocent.

This guy's drunk. And I think he's going to hit that button. Oh, I got a field. He's going to hit that button. What's going to happen? Right. I want to see what the pilot looks like. Let's see where the fuck this is going. Right. So he goes, if you don't fuck you, he starts, he starts bringing his hand up to the button going, I'm going to hit that button. You don't think I'll fucking do it. I'll hit that button. And I'm sitting there smirking at him, thinking in my head, go ahead, hit the fucking button. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Right. So finally, now he wants to hit the button and he can't fucking find it. And it's in defense of him. I couldn't find it either. I was looking up there. I half wanted to hit it myself.

Then he finally, he finally finds it and he hits it. Right. And now I'm just like, holy shit, what's going to happen? And he's sitting there going, yeah, huh? You want to fucking play this game? You want to fucking play this game? And I'm surprised. I mean, it took like fucking like 30 seconds before a flight attendant, the one who gave him the booze, which evidently wasn't booze, comes over. And at this point, we're like doing that shit where we're behind a plane. We're almost ready to take off. Like we're pulling up and then stopping, pulling up and stopping as planes are taken off. So she goes, yeah, what's the problem over here? And he goes, uh, I'm not comfortable to fly with this guy. This guy, he's fidgeting. He's looking around at other fucking people,

but blah, blah, blah. He's doing all this thing. Right. And then the stewardess looks at me and I'm just sitting there fucking my little smirk, just shaking my head. And I just looking at this dude just shaking my head like this guy's out of his fucking mind. I don't say a word. And this guy goes on and on and on about his fucking psycho babble about how I'm the security risk. So she goes to, so she goes, okay, um, any other passengers? Have you noticed anything? She's talking to anybody first class at this point. Has anybody noticed anything odd about this guy and the lady who is sitting right in front of the dude diagonally from me turns around. She goes, yeah, I've been listening to this guy berating this other passenger. She's on my side and I haven't said a fucking word.

This is great. And I'm just sitting there smirking. Then the stewardess looks at me and I shrug my shoulders like, I don't know what to tell you. So finally she said, sir, do you have anything to add to this? And I just said, look, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis. This guy over here, he starts slamming his doors. I kind of felt like a rat when I said that I go slamming his doors. Next thing you know, he's dropping the F bomb to me. Then I'm thinking, oh, fuck, I just said bomb, right? Fortunately, nothing happens. So now another fucking, the male stewardess comes over, right? Now he's going like, what's going on? And the captain of the fucking, now at this point, we've pulled over and the plane has stopped 250 people trying to get to Indianapolis and jerk

off over here. Can't hold this fucking alcohol who just watched a person of interest every, every, I guess, evidently, I have no fucking idea. Now the plane is stopped. This fucking jerk off has stopped the plane interrogating a goddamn comedian like I'm in the fucking Taliban and like he works for the CIA, right? So now we're just sitting in the captain is upfront in the plane, like saying to the stewards is going basically relaying, do I really have to fucking come back there? This is the last flight of the night. Is there really a goddamn problem? And that was the vibe. And they finally said to the douche sit next to me, are you going to be okay to fly with him? And at that point, it appeased his fucking ego that he was somehow in control. And he goes like,

you know what? Okay, it's fine. It's fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. So they go, okay. So now the plane's going again. And now we're now we fucking come around and he's sitting there fucking, he's in my ear. And at this point, I am lap like the fucking laughing him, he doing the podcast, that's what I'm doing. And he's sitting there going, oh, he goes, you know, I'm glad. I'm glad you said I hope you fucking do. I hope you fucking try something. I'll be fucking try something when we're up there. I really hope you fucking try something. And I'm just fucking like, gut busting, laughing, shaking, like, what are you going to fucking do to me? What are you going to do to me? Are you going to punch me in the face? You fucking wiry jackass with your fucking glasses

on? You know, that's a federal offense. You're going to go to jail if you do that or something. I don't know what, right? So I'm just sitting there fucking laughing at the guy going, I actually, at one point, I put my fucking little eye pill thing on, you know, like I'm going to sleep. Oh, I had that out too. When the stewardess was talking to me, I was like putting it on is this total mind fuck. Like I don't know what this guy is. I'm just trying to go to Minneapolis. I'm going to sleep. And so I got I got my fucking eye thing on right as he's sitting there threatening me just I was going with total passive aggressive. It's like, dude, I'm so not concerned with you. I'm literally putting a blindfold on. All right. So this fucking guy, he starts going.

He goes, he goes, you think you fucking won this? You fucking won this? He goes, you know, my dad is my dad. He started saying his dad's some major CEO in Indianapolis. Doesn't sound like a fucking made up story. I swear to God, this is all true. He goes, my dad is some a major CEO in Indianapolis, and I will have you fucking arrested. And the lady turns around again, I will have you fucking arrested the second we get on the ground. I'm thinking like, for what, for what? Sitting here, you fucking loser, learn how to hold your alcohol. All right. And he starts describing the view that I'm going to have when I go to jail, like some fucking law and order episode. Oh, you're going to love it. You'll be able to see Lucas oil field and blah, blah, blah, blah,

and I'm just sitting there cracking up laughing. And then there's this pause, right? And I'm thinking finally he finally shut the fuck up. It's like a three, four minute pause. He finally just gave up because I wasn't giving him anything. I was just laughing and shaking my head. I was being a dick to him. I was because I was enjoying it. And then there was like a three minute pause. And then all of a sudden he just goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? So we're like 20 minutes into the flight. And I gotta be honest, my adrenaline was so going during all of that. Because I knew I didn't do anything wrong. But I thought we were literally going to go back. And there was going to be fucking cops there. And if like, if, if, if the fucking stewardess or the pilot

asked me who I am and where I'm going, I'm going to tell them, I respect your authority. You're just some jet. I don't, you don't have any fucking authority. I don't have to answer your questions. It was pro was one of the most fun experiences I've ever had with another human being. Like when somebody thinks that they have power and you know, they don't, and all they can do is try and just keep bluffing and raising their voice and start cursing at you. And if you just start laughing at them, the look on their face is fucking priceless. So the last thing he said, he said, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? Right. And I fucking started howling, just fucking holding my stomach, shaking my head and with my fucking eye pillow thing on, right?

And I know I'm going to get a ton of shit that I wear one of those. I, they're fucking underrated. Get the one at Brookstone where it's literally a pillow. I'm telling you, you could fall asleep 12 noon facing the sun. It's awesome. So anyways, like after he asked me what, what, you know, where you're going, Bill, you're like, there was like a 10 minute, like probably 10 minutes had gone by and I can't fucking sleep because it's so funny to me. I can't wait to tell the story to every comic I know. I can't wait to try it on stage to see if it's funny or whatever. So finally I just like, ah, fuck it. Maybe I'll just get on my computer and I bring up my eye pillow and I like, I got to look at the guy because I know he's fucking staring

at me waiting for me to do something, right? So I lift it up. I get my fucking Mona Lisa's smile going and I look over at the guy and dude, he is fucking passed out. He looked like he got shot. He was sitting there like his head was just hanging straight down and anytime the plane moved, like his head was, I mean, he looked like he got knocked out and for the rest of the fucking flight, old fucking, uh, what's Matt Damon's characters? Jack Ryan, old fucking Jack Ryan over here is just, you know, the sky marshal, the fucking booze bag and God knows what else he was on. He was just completely out, passed out for the rest of the fucking flight. And this is why I'm a bunch of dick guy. I was

having so much fun with this guy. I start, I can't sleep. So I start slamming waters because I want to have to get up and take a piss just to see if this guy's going to freak out because this security risk is getting up. And this, the joke was on me. He never regained consciousness. And then I really had to take a piss, but I'm such a stubborn fuck. I was holding it because I wanted to make sure he was awake when I got up because I was going to give him a little smirk. And then I was going to get up, see if he hit the call button again. Um, but he didn't, he didn't wake up till we hit the ground and, um, and then it's funny. Then he woke up and it was like four hours later. So now he had kind of slept off, whatever the fuck this guy was on.

And I'm sitting there smirking, waiting for the guy to start talking. I mean, he won't look at me. And I, and I think at that point he kind of fucking realized that maybe he got a little, uh, a little extra, little too patriotic. So we stop, we stop at the gate and everything and we're going to get up. So I grab my shit, I get up and I'm just kind of looking at him and he won't look at me. And then the lady who was sitting in front of me had this big smile on her face. She goes, how you, she goes, how are you doing? And I went, good, I go, I go, that was an interesting one. And I said it really loud. So the guy heard and he didn't say anything. And this is what he did to try to save face. His pillow was kind of stuck behind, was kind of stuck behind his

shoulder and like a weird place. So he was frustrated with it. So he, he ripped it out from behind him and kind of threw it down on the floor and went like, try to do some caveman grunt to try to still have some sort of, uh, I don't know what. So, so that was my flight to Indian apolis people. Um, you know what? How far into the fucking podcast are we? That was a long, that was a long fucking story. Finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help. Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications? Understanding this may help reduce medication trial and error. Gene site

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