Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-9-22

Episode Date: June 10, 2022

Bill quietly rambles about lard-ass social media losers, the dawn of 'club kids', and the Celtics.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's.com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you and if you're someone who listens regularly to this podcast you're probably thinking to yourself hey Bill what's with the quiet glum fucking tone this is not why I listened to this podcast I listened to this podcast for laughs so why don't you pick up the energy and dance you bald orange freckled monkey huh everybody's asleep upstairs so I gotta I gotta be quiet here speaking of orange monkeys everybody you must have seen that fucking video it was all over the gram as the kids call it the gram actually nobody's like on Instagram anymore oh my god everybody's on it's like all about tick to tick talk that was like so fucking two years

ago you fucking social media whores I love how people like keep you know I'm not even on Facebook anymore like that's like a fucking status thing now oh really is Facebook not cool enough for you yet you know what they like they're like those fucking jerk off club kids are there even clubs anymore you know what do you just go on Amazon and you order shit that you'd see in the club and it comes right to your house and you have your own club in your house I love how cunts are doing that now everybody's just fucking I tell you these goddamn kids today they don't even fucking go out and go buy toothpaste they fucking order it through Amazon and then some fucking idiot pulls up on a giant UPS truck

and hands you a tube of toothpaste I mean is there any wonder why there's so many fat fucking kids out there you know what I mean just a bunch of fucking lard asses with like jacked zero percent body fat fingers from fucking typing on their keyboard ordering goddamn cupcakes they're fucking if their bodies were in this fucking shape their fingers are from copying pasting and hashtagging and they're whatever oh Jesus he's extra grumpy tonight um yeah all these fucking social media whores at what at what point are you gonna get some self-esteem and just realize that you know it's just the same cunts going from fucking platform to platform oh is that where the cool kids are now think about it think how many times

you put on your horny makeup and got on a friendster and then you went on fucking Facebook and then MySpace and then Facebook opened it up to everybody and then oh the fucking parents ruined it the fucking ruined Facebook right and then where'd you go Vine was that the next one Twitter was somewhere in there I just remember comics going oh dude you're on Twitter yet you got to get on Twitter are you on Vine dude Vine's the next thing duty on Instagram I stopped in Instagram I'm just going to grow old with my followers on Instagram like some fucking old Vegas act every couple of years you just move down to a smaller and smaller room to you literally you know gets to the point people are checking into the hotel and they

can take in your show while they wait for their turn to get their fucking keys you stand it over in the corner you know welcome to Harris welcome to O'Shea's everybody congratulations you hit rock bottom you hit rock bottom right and then you fucking you're making those jokes and then you get reprimanded we got some complaints from some of the uh customers that you were making them feel bad about staying here do you have a comment on that yeah I do have a comment on that you have dollar craps all right stop acting like you don't know what the fuck you're attracting here roaches skip this fucking place do you guys ever go to O'Shea's should have called it oh Jesus sorry um O'Shea's was this fucking casino renext I used to work the improv at Harris way back in

the day there's no improv there anymore I used to work then this guy used to come out on a fucking unicycle with makeup on to that fucking song you're all ready for this and I just remember him in between shows just nice as can be just sitting there you know this fucking makeup on in his goddamn unicycle and the level of depression that I had to fight off because he was such a fucking nice guy and I'm like oh this fucking business did to this guy and and and and and and he'd get out there and he'd be fucking hopping up and down on that fucking thing putting on this show you know the thing where you pedal forward and backwards you don't see you don't fucking tip over 14 times I would watch that guy two shows Tuesday two shows Wednesday two Thursday two Friday two

Saturday two Sunday it was nothing longer than that fucking week oh my god my favorite time during those weeks at Harris was like the second I said good night on the second show and I was just like oh my god let's get out of this fucking casino and I would just go with the other actor we would just get the fuck out of there and the unicycle guy was old so he wouldn't hang with us forget his name he's a real nice guy you know he'd be taking his fucking makeup off as you were getting ready to do your second show all right man take it easy he would leave you go and go do your fucking show and it's back when people gamble too so the shows were quick that was the one thing get him in and get him the fuck back on the floor and we walk out and every once in a while you just go next

door to that fucking O'Shea's great thing about O'Shea's is you could gamble like James Bond maybe you could sit there for like a fucking hour and not go broke because it was so cheap that was the first thing I learned the first time I took my wife to a casino I sat down to play I didn't know I think I was playing craps or something or a roulette one of those dumbass games and you just show up and like within five minutes you've lost all your money and you're like where's the part where I sit down in my white tuxedo they come over and offer me a drink for nothing when the fuck does that happen like how much money do you need to have these fucking places you know so I used to go over to

fucking O'Shea's oh jeez you can sit there and fucking gamble for like an hour or whatever until it was boring or go over to Ceasus dude I've been doing it long enough I was out in Vegas before that tiger attacked that guy like they were across the street Siegfried and Roy rest their souls were still doing shows when I first came out Danny Gans was still alive the amount of fucking people that died since I started oh my god this is getting dark y'all ready for this that was the the like in the 90s that was the let's get the party started fucking song there was a few clubs that just had these songs that they would play

to start the shows and they just fucking played them forever and you'd come back you know you wouldn't play the club for two years and they get ready to start the show and they play the same theme music and you're like they're still playing this like I remember the comedy connection at Fanuel Hall used to play this guitar instrumental that white clips of Dover was this fucking I don't know what it was it was like a fucking Mormon a virgin Mormon right before he has 28 wives right would fucking if he wrote a guitar solo like that's what it would sound like it was just fucking I don't know what it was it was weird it was like upbeat and happy which none of the music I was listening to at that time I don't I can't even explain it

was just like maybe it's I think it has more to do with me than the poor bastard that wrote that fucking song I just wanted to say that I did did you have any pain in life like what in the fuck am I listening to right now maybe he's one of those people that had like so much fucking pain that his this thing was I'm just gonna bring joy to people like your brain you heard that song like your brain just you couldn't think anything after so anyways I hadn't played that I remember they played that like I was living in Boston when I started out or outside of Boston and I used to give him shit like even back then going he ever gonna change this fucking song and start off with that weird weird fucking weird intro

weird some weird shit like that then it go I'm telling you fucking something like that right I just threw like three different bookers of it I think he guy's ever gonna change this song and they would just laugh think I was making a big deal out of nothing but they had no idea how fucking depressing it was was to leave Boston and come back like a year later and finally get a gig there and they're still playing that fucking song still have the same carpet everything got a little older waitresses got older I got older I just made you think about dying

if you knew this podcast it's usually not this fucking bleak or dark but anyways all these fucking social media whores reminded me of back in the day when I lived in New York and was right as Paris and Nikki Hilton were getting famous and they were sort of writing about these club kids these rich kids you know of Manhattan socialites not like everybody down there was like you know wasn't like the Hilton's were hanging out with the fucking four season kids and the Macy's fucking cousins or whatever but like whatever they were down there and I just remember what always struck me is so funny was there'd be a club and it would be the hottest fucking thing ever and everyone would be a big fucking line down the street all these whores all these women

dressed like whores they dressed like fucking prostitutes kiddo you know what I mean remember back in the day you'd see a prostitute walking down the street you would see him now you probably see him but now they're just dressed everybody dresses like have you fucking brought out there seems to be dressing like them walking around with no goddamn clothes on what are you talking about Bill I don't know just talking generally speaking I mean you just they just sort of pushed it to the limit of how you can dress up a vagina seductively to the point now the only place to go is to just walk down the street with just heels on but anyways these fucking kids they'd be all about this fucking place right and then all of a sudden the place across the new place across

the street would open up and then that was the place and then the other place across the street would slow it would die this slow death and it's just like it's this but it's the same jerk-offs you guys just all walked across the fucking street and they just sort of dressed it up differently social media is like that it's the same fucking oh really Bill have you figured out social media you freckled cunt I like to think I have you know anyway so the latest news in my life is the lights in my driveway right they're like you know when I go out to my garage I like them lit up because you know this cow coyotes is a fucking mountain lion I mean they fucking live close by right whatever I don't even know if there's mountain lions I have no fucking idea if

they're the fucking hills this deer there's a deer there's a bear it's just you know or a fucking something's eating that thing what is it what is the purpose of a fucking deer a purpose of a deer is to feed a mountain lion or a bear so if you see one of those fucking things that's why if I see a bunch of mice and shit like that I know there's snakes around you know what I mean those are like sliders for fucking reptiles so if you see those things around I immediately like this fucking snakes here I gotta get out of here everybody focuses on the mouse and they think that's the worst of your problems it's not the mouse the mouse sucks I'm not gonna lie to you the fucking fastest shit though I've had a few mice in my fucking house in the day and like not only they

fast they fucking quiet as shit those little fucking feet make no noise and they haul ass and anyway it's not the mouse it's what the fuck eats that thing so if you have a mouse in your house eventually you're gonna have a fucking snake so you have to catch that little cunt or who's who's can do you have to hire somebody you know now there's a fucking recession proof fucking job right rodent in pest control I don't care what the fucking economy is people are not living with mice they're not living with bugs they're not living with that shit I don't give a fuck if they have to skip if they have to eat for a fucking week they will prioritize getting somebody over there to spray carcinogens into the air in their house knowing that you're bigger than the fucking

mouse and the mouse is gonna die and you eventually will too but not for a long fucking time and you will live a mouse free existence while those chemicals slowly do their magic do their job which is to kill literally they spray shit I swear to god they spray shit in your fucking house that is probably banned by nato you know you can't drop it on a city but you can drop it in your own house to take out some fucking goddamn rodents anyway so the latest thing so I like having the lights the driveway you know I mean I want to see what's going to kill me I just don't want to sense that there's something there it's my big fear of the ocean it's not that I there's sharks it's that I can't see them that's what I don't like you know what I mean it's not that it's a fight

you know anyway so I'm getting the guy to fix these fucking lights you know because I tried to do it and failed miserably and the lights are just the cheapest shittiest fuck as I don't know who the fuck read did this house 20 years ago but this was a flip is what I finally fucking realized and anyways the guy tells me he goes into my wall and he goes yeah you know I undid the light bulb and I took it out and light was still shining through the hole and I was like what's going on here why am I seeing light and he said do you realize this wall is not really a wall like there's no cinder blocks in here this is like plywood it's like a hollow wall that they put plaster over and I swear to god if I ever meet the fucking guy

like he's gonna give a shit if I ever meet the guy who flipped this fucking house I don't know who it was but in my fantasy I meet him and I tell him what a soulless heartless cheap fuck he is and it actually registers in my fantasy and he actually feels bad which in reality I know would never happen he wouldn't give a fuck he would actually get enjoyment probably I'm assuming it's a he because I'm progressive and I believe women and women don't lie and when they flip a house they actually put concrete cinder blocks in the walls because they are higher beings than us okay and when they shit on our beds know that you as a man made them do it anyway evidently the Celtics won tonight which I'm very thrilled about but I did not watch

one second of the game why Bill I'll tell you why because I mentioned this I did the bottom of the first of the Red Sox Angels game the other day and the the announcer Dan O'Brien was asking me you know if I was gonna watch you know the Celtics and the finals and stuff and I basically told them that I lacked the emotional maturity to watch my own team in the NBA finals when my kids are around you know what I mean and I don't like I don't want to be playing shoots and ladders while screaming my NBA referee conspiracy theories you know about that fucking league I don't want to do that I just had to make like a judgment here like what do you want to be here Bill do you want to be a good father or do you want to be a basketball fan you know so it's kind of a no-brainer I'm like I'm just I'm

not watching this shit I'll record the games I'll find out who wins if the fucking Celtics lose I'm still gonna watch the game but I'll watch it after I know what the fuck's gonna happen and then that way I don't have to die a thousand deaths and sit there screaming and yelling at the fucking I don't want to sit there and watch the Celtics you know playing in an away game and just like hating some random guy from fucking San Francisco in the crowd who's miming shooting a bow and arrow every time fucking Steph Curry hits a three like do I really want to do that to myself is this making me happier as a person I mean if we win I guess it does but like at the end of the day I don't feel like

freaking out my fucking kids so I just like was like I'm gonna just keep watching the Red Sox I'm gonna watch game 58 and it doesn't matter by the way Red Sox two games above 500 I don't know if they won or lost tonight but considering where the hell we were we're doing all right at this point I think we're just playing for the wild card because I don't know if the Yankees are gonna fucking do worse than seven and three every ten games they're playing like seven on a ball they're fucking killing it so yeah I decided I was not I was not watching that shit I was like fuck it and I heard it was an incredible game but I I enjoyed the experience of not watching it more I think than I and it's really just the NBA because I can handle the MLB and I can handle the

NFL and I can even handle the NHL as much as the NHL drives me nuts as a fucking leak but there's just nothing like the NBA like you watch like I really feel like the refs through the first four games their job is to make sure it's two-two and at that point they're gonna kind of let them you know whatever at this point we know it's gonna go six so let's not be overt about what the fuck it is that we're doing here and then they sort of let them play a little bit I mean just when you just look at like some of the fucking the games throughout the years like can anybody like objectively look at that game seven in 2009 when the Lakers played the Celtics and they called 30 something fouls on the Celtics and like in the teens on the Lakers you just can't fucking do that

in a game seven unless the other team is literally taken out a two by four and fucking smashing people over the head with it and they weren't it was just they called ticky tack shit I remember that like Kobe got shut down that game he had a terrible fucking game and in the fourth quarter he shot 14 free throws rest his soul one of the greatest of all time okay but like I watched him take unguarded shots from the foul line and it was like it wasn't even basketball I might as well just watch the fucking shoot around they've had mobbed up refs they've had all of this shit they everybody just fucking like looks the other way whatever I you'll never get me off of that ledge that like they just and it NBA officials literally dictate the pace of the game speed it up slow it

down it's fucking insane I don't know how you watch that sport my hat is off to anybody who's a diehard NBA fan and can just sit there year after year watching those refs just fucking you if there's no other sport there is no other fucking sport where the ref can just if they were in a fucking mood if there's a guy on your team that they don't fucking like like the game you're gonna have to play to come away with the victory every that fucking Allen Iverson story Allen Iverson I forget what he said something about the NBA officials and then they just started calling him like fucking three games in a row four games in a row they just call him for carrying and traveling and all of that shit that he was doing every night and after like the

third or fourth game he looks at one of the refs and he just goes how long is this gonna last and the guy goes how long is what gonna last and he goes you know what I'm talking about and the guy smiled and then it was it they showed the authority that they had over him and he had to get his mind right like fucking cool hand Luke and then they let him play his game again but it's just like I just don't know that there's another sport where you that you can that effectively fuck over a star player like the NBA refs all right I'm done I'm sorry all right maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm just a guy who real thought he he purchased a house that was built properly and he found out that it's actually fucking made out of Legos maybe

that's what it is maybe it has nothing to do with the refs and it just has to do with the fact that you know I'm putting lights in a wall so I can see coyotes and fucking mountain lines that if they had half a fucking brain would realize they could just sort of just push down my wall anyway if they wanted to if they really wanted to they could fucking organize you know what I mean I got a little bit of fucking respect in that goddamn lives anyway speaking of social media I was watching this fucking clip of this gorilla that fucking it met a gopher or some shit I don't know what the fuck it was and I don't mean a gopher like on a construction job some guy fucking dragging the fucking a goddamn roof

shingles up to the fucking carpenters up top god knows I did that goddamn job I mean like an actual gopher a real one so the gorilla meets the thing right and he was super like gentle with it it was like you know slash also kind of like apprehensive like is this thing gonna bite me and then all of these assholes we're talking about and you know these animal lovers you know who think like sharks have feelings have you seen those videos where somebody takes a fish hook out of a fucking shark's mouth and then they make these videos of the sharks swimming up to them and being like hey man I remember you I fucking remember you thanks for taking that shark that fucking fish hook out of my goddamn shark mouth and like everybody's just like see these sharks have

feelings and I'm just thinking like well okay but is that a real friend you know I mean it's like if you didn't do that for him that shark would try and fucking eat you so like that's that's that's the kind of person a shark is it's like if you don't help me out through a hardship in my life I will bite your leg off when you're in the ocean uh yeah I don't think I need something like that in my life but I also I don't get mad at sharks I respect them okay and I respect their territory and I really in my heart of hearts truly believe we have no fucking business being in the ocean other than frolicking along the fucking coast but we shouldn't be dumping our shit out there we should be living with it coming up with a solution for it and you know if you're a scuba

diver you're an asshole you're an asshole like leave them alone I'm just fucking with you guys I'm just fucking terrified of the ocean like I'll tell you right now fucking cave divers it's like Jesus Christ it's like how bad are you at talking to women that you have to fucking cave dive you know what I mean just so you have something to talk about or hopefully somebody talks but hey that's uh that's uh Mikey Micherson over there you know he does cave diving you know like women don't give a fuck about that you know if you cave dived in you fucking found some buried treasure you know on a regular basis then all the whores would come running um god it's so cynical it's just really cynical tonight I don't know why um I saw a beautiful Ford F-250 today

a four-wheel drive it's all white I hate that they don't offer more colors in the F-250s you know what I mean like the F-150s have all the fucking colors but every one of those fucking trucks is four doors I hate I fucking hate a four-door pickup it's so fucking it's like a fucking giant station wagon except you don't have the cap on the back then you have that little stupid six-foot bed what are you gonna put half an L-shaped couch back there like what the fuck is that for you know what I mean get a four-door sedan or buy a fucking truck I will go to my grave saying a fucking pickup truck is two doors with a bench seat in an eight-foot bed you know you know unless you get older and you get older then you get the fucking

in the two-door with the bench seat in the six-foot bed and then that's trucks for like hot rodders and then like old guys that's the truck version of like the three-wheeled motorcycle you ever see that some old hells angel he's gonna ride till he dies but now he's just he's got fucking sciatic nerve issues going down both legs so he's got to have like the fucking tripod thing he rolls down the street I used to ride on two wheels now I'm on three that ratty fucking braided ponytail you know this fucking tattooed wife with the fucking skin damage still showing that tramp stamp how about a shout out to women who still have tramp stamps who didn't get them covered up who aren't embarrassed that they came of age in the 90s you know who have the courage

to have their tattoo let the world know that they backed into a lot of dick when clinton was in office you know I respect that all right let's do some reads here some advertising oh look who it is everybody oh it's simply safe simply safe like riding a three-wheeled motorcycle those giant dumb fenders by the way I thought like they ruled out those things when they used to have the Honda ATC they used to kill like fucking 20 kids in every town when I was growing up um simply safe everybody you know guys you know I can't read this you guys know I love the break in protection that my simply safe home security system gives me yeah I got one of the cameras right on my cardboard fucking wall um but it's not always outside forces that you need simply

safe protection from meet Amy Amy what the fuck happened to you did someone break in that was related to you why do you need cameras inside your fucking house meet Amy a simply safe customer in a chronic sleepwalker who lives near a four lane highway holy shit did was she aware of her fucking problem before she fucking signed that lease Jesus Christ I'm suicidal I just bought a penthouse fucking apartment um one night a few months ago she slept walked out of her bedroom and then continued right out the front door wait a minute did she unlock the door at what point are you awake that is a dangerous situation dude have you ever fucking dated a chick that's sleepwalks that's going to be the scariest thing scariest thing ever it's like you date that chick

from the ring um anyways oh here's the here's the most obvious sentence of copy I've ever read that that is a dangerous situation she could have been heading for a big accident can you imagine driving on the street you're fucking half asleep after we're going to double shift some fucking white chick comes out in her fucking dress like ebony's or you know you know that long shirt people used to walk with that fucking hat just walking barefoot muttering to herself um I want to say there was a horror movie that started like that anyway she could have been heading for a big accident luckily as she walked out of her house the simply safe entry sensor on her front door triggered the nine five db decibel siren in the base station that is loud

goddamn right it is loud enough in fact to wake her up before she wandered into the street or some other trouble oh my god this poor woman how the fuck do you go to sleep after that you wake up to an air raid siren standing in the shrubs hey amy you're looking a little tired this morning uh seconds later amy even got a call from simply safe checking to make sure that everything was okay amy was a little groggy I believe she was probably two glasses of wine in before she had that fucking phone call but she was just fine amy actually says that on that sleepy night simply safe saved her life well good for them protecting uh jeez I would like fucking tie myself to the bed uh protecting people is ways

they never protecting people in ways they never could imagine is just one of the reasons more than four million people use and love simply safe if you have sleep apnea does it set off that 95 decibel fucking alarm you can customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes at simply safe dot com slash burr go today and claim a free indoor security camera plus 20 off with interactive monitoring dude she should have like one of those fucking leashes you know back in the day when people would have their dogs in the backyard and they'd go running running after you and they'd reach the end of their leash and get fucking yanked back by their neck uh go to simply safe dot com slash burr s i m p l i s a f e dot com slash burr all right

and with that that is the podcast here everybody I hope you enjoyed it that was a fun movie I was in a stupid mood um yes leave the page how many times are you gonna click on this shit um please enjoy the music uh and there's gonna be a uh I don't know what a bonus episode of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast after this so you're gonna get another half hour of content okay see that not all redheads are the spawn of the devil don't ever forget that but I wouldn't trust us all right have a great weekend you can't so I'll check in on you one day time to take your home an easy hit is time to sleep

time to wait too long to wait too long to wait too long hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday june 9th 2014 one day before my fucking birthday happy birthday to me oh happy birthday to me happy birthday you redheaded freckled come happy birthday happy birthday to you you fucking douche what's going on how are you I've watched a bunch of sports this week that's all I did that's all I did you know how many times I sat through the national anthem whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa everybody's different version of it you know I gotta go with harry carry just sing the goddamn song just fucking get on with it just drop the fucking puck

just throw up the basketball throw out the first pitch can we do like a trade-off like every other game we just say we pledge allegiance can we do that we can all murmur it in the crowd I pledge allegiance to flag of the United States of America and two of the republic for which it stands I got choked up there one nation under god indivisible individual indivisible I don't know with liberty and justice for all you know well for most people and for others more so than than than not you know depending on you know skin color and what family you were born into what part of the country right if your parents were bankers you know if your parents bought a $50,000 plate of a fucking trout at an obama rally

whatever whatever those fucking politicians do those filthy stinking bastards I'll tell you they're all a bunch of fucking liars all right we're all liars aren't we I'll speak for yourself Bill um I'm behind on everything I don't even know what's going on in the world I keep seeing this shit about fucking I thought I thought that this I'll fuck don't do this to me this fucking computer come on man here we go what is this there's burgdoll isn't there like also a place like burgganzi that everybody's freaking out about I really pay attention to like national and international events the way my wife watches sports which is you just sort of walk by the tv and if the same kind of if the same athlete is on enough she'll just be like oh yeah he's good he's good I do that

with international stories like oh that's a lot of people are talking about that there was like I guess there was an embassy that was bombed oh Jesus I want to I want to fucking read the national news so this burgdoll guy that he say his name all I remember was at some point there was some fucking guy it looked like he was on duck dynasty speaking arabic and everybody got all freaked out and Obama was standing there looking uncomfortable and I guess some guy got released from prison and everybody's fucking mad because his dad spoke arabic at the white house and claimed the white house you see the guy this guy that they think just claimed the white house for Islam this guy looks like uh do you ever see that episode of honey boo boo where the people were all sitting in that

fucking room with one light bulb bidding on food that had already expired that that's what this guy looks like I don't think he's fucking I don't think the white house has anything to worry about you know can everybody just fucking relax the guy they said they stuck him in a shark cage he's so fucking like out of it from his captivity he's calling like it's just basically a cage it's not a shark cage how the fuck would the Taliban get a shark cage you know in the middle of Afghanistan Jesus Christ where did they drag that thing in from the fucking black sea I mean come on people tip your waitstaff over there you know something the fucking Taliban works out on a jungle gym as far as I remember from the last newscast that I watched about 15 fucking years ago or maybe it

was 10 I don't know they work out on a jungle gym where where the fuck are they gonna get the money for a shark cage to have that thing flown into Afghanistan like they have some sort of international airport they have one we built it right we built it so we could land there you know try to slap them around and give them a bucket of kfc to let them know what the good life's about right if you guys see that I just saw a commercial for Kentucky fried chicken where the parents are all excited because the two bratty kids won't sit still at the dinner table but they got him this fucking chicken and they're feeding it to them they're basically very subtly saying that there's drugs in this chicken that will make your spastic children chill the fuck out and spastic I mean like you know not not

the way they mean it over there in Great Britain you can't say that on the comedy or you can say it in a comedy club over in Scotland but you'll have a rough you'll have a rough go of it if you say the kid was spastic over there that means like severely mentally challenged over here it just means you're not going to get laid to your 26 when you're in grad school looking over a fucking cadaver right with some other fucking nerve nerd right and you're just sitting there going you know the ankle bones connected to the knee bone right has any of this made any sense well it shouldn't it's fucking Sunday night and I am spent I got a whole bunch of shit I have to do tomorrow so I got to do it tonight all right I'm off my game all right I got to do I got to talk to the

regular guys tomorrow one of my favorite radio shows out there I got to talk to them tomorrow morning which you guys are probably listening to this I've already done it to hype my show in Atlanta at the Tabernacle two shows I'm taping there for my next stand-up special I got to tell you I got a lot of a lot of a lot of fucking eyebrow raisin when I've been talking to other comedians wait tape and I go Atlanta they go Atlanta really they got they got good crowds down there they got great fucking crowds down there it's going to be an even better show because I'm going to be going to I mean I wish I was going even further into the south you know be a great special I should have taped it and like fucking make in Georgia and then when I went up there and I

did my bit about how I want to get a 22 caliber that's all I want to protect my house and watch those fucking backwards people lose their goddamn minds that adds a whole another layer to the joke right who the fuck knows I don't know but I'm going to be down there um I gotta hate the show to sell the last remaining tickets um to the special I hope you guys uh come out to the show should be a uh should be a goddamn hootenanny that's what the fuck should be um all right so what's going on in the world what did I do this week I didn't fucking do anything completely lost my train of thought I didn't do shit this week all I did was I watched sports and it was great because you had the uh the NHL and the NBA finals and they so far they've been on different nights

so I've watched every second every of all of them because I have no I don't really have a life right now I'm just kind of sitting here waiting for June 20th when I tape my special that's all I'm waiting for once I get past that once I get past that all right oh billy boy here oh freckles is fucking I'm I'm going I'm falling off the wagon in a big way all right I've been on the fucking wagon right now for 52 fucking days and I've had it all right you you cleanse your liver in like 42 43 days or something like that every drunk I knows has told me that every drunk I know that does not have a medical degree has told me that if you go 42 43 days you will cleanse your liver at least to the booze you know now if you're fucking you start doing blow or uh you know

eating a bunch of trans fat fucking food or feeding your kids Kentucky fried fucking chicken Jesus Christ what happened to parents that you gotta drug your kids to keep them under control you know you know what it is kids don't respect their parents they respect them but they don't respect like oh my god this this person could ring my neck could pick me up by my hair right could grab a paddle and fucking you know mostly hit my ass but also kind of hit my lower back because I'm squirming right that doesn't exist anymore so now these kids is so fucking out of control these people have to go down to Kentucky fried chicken okay and I used the term chicken very loosely to go down in whatever that is that's in that bucket okay it doesn't have a beak

it doesn't have feet if it's fucking you know chest it's breasts are sticking out like the cast on fucking uh what was what was that show with the Italians there on New Jersey Shore Jersey Shore right my world that's not a fucking chicken you know you want the chicken that looked like Mark McGuire in his rookie season you don't want to eat the chicken that looks like Mark McGuire when he fucking played for the Cardinals you know do you eat a regular fucking chicken first of all it's going to look like a pigeon to you because you're so used to seeing those roided up ones that they have murderers row that you got down there at your fucking Shaw's right your Vaughn's your JC Penney's wherever the fuck you buy your goddamn chicken you go down

you go down to any one of the mainstream fucking supermarkets okay and I swear to god when you get to the chicken section okay if you if you slept for the last 30 years like that Van Gundy guy under the bridge whatever his fucking name is Van Morrison what the hell's his name Rip Van Winkle right it was one of those people one of the Vans if you slept for the last 30 years and you went down okay and they showed you what a chicken was you'd be like you'd be like that ain't no chicken okay that's a goddamn turkey I know a fucking time no fucking turkey when I see one all right I ain't no such thing as a nine pound fucking chicken can't be done no sir no sir get off my property okay I'm done with your

witchcraft okay hey I said get the fuck out of here to fuck off my property um how to get the gun um yeah you would think it was a fucking turkey and the thing is is now it's a chicken and I remember I watched one of those food inks one of those fucking liberal goddamn things you know talking about flying carpets and electric roads and all that bullshit somewhere in there they were talking about you know the food supply and how poisonous it is poisonous poisonous it is um so I fucking went down to a farmer's fucking market and um I said I want to I want to I want to all I want I want to I want an all-natural fucking chicken I can't even talk I'm so tired I want an all-natural chicken the guy goes these are all natural and I said all

natural and he goes well I'm like come on where is it and he had to walk around the corner sitting over there lonely I swear to god looking like a dove looking like somebody killed the fucking dove he goes right there that one right there is a hundred percent all natural nothing's wrong with it and I was like I was like what at what that's what a chicken's supposed to look like and he raised his eyebrows and he kind of put his lips together so they were straight line and then he nodded you know I looked at people do like like yeah I'm in the matrix I realize I'm in the matrix but you know I knocked the bitch up so I got to be selling these roided up chickens no um anyways I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about so basically that's what

these people are eating over there okay they are they are drugging up their kids but I can't get mad at them because I actually did that to Charlie Murphy and uh Donnell Rawlings I've told this story before hey I'll tell it against my fucking podcast I actually drug I the exact thing that they're doing in that Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial where they're trying to get their kids to sit still by just feeding them so full of these fucking trans fats from these roided up beakless fucking chickens with their dolly part and breastesses right I did that to fucking Donnell and Charlie I was hungover and we were taking a car service from Chicago Zainis up to one of those whatever the fuck it was St. Charles it was a three city run and one of them was St. Charles

so we're getting in the fucking limo Donnell's in rare form Charlie's in rare form they're fucking gabbing and trashing people and me and everybody and I just don't want to hear it I'm like I don't want to listen to these fucking guys running that goddamn yaps in the back of this car the whole fucking way up I want a nice quiet ride this is going to suck and I walked outside hung over and I walked into the Chicago where you know almost got hit by three fat people and um I looked up the street and I saw it I saw Popeyes and I was like oh thank god and I fucking walked in there and I got all this fucking Popeyes chicken with biscuits and all of this shit food and I brought it back to the car and as the car pulled up they came out

and I said hey guys I got a self some I got us some food and they went ah that's fucking great you know they were hungry or whatever and they started chowing that fucking Popeyes food and I sat back nibbling on a drumstick and I swear to god 10 minutes later they were asleep I'm not lying to you they were fucking asleep snoring the whole way up and I was just sitting there loving life the whole fucking ride up and I you know what I admitted to them later they thought it was funny but that's basic what it is they called it theitis that's what they call it when you eat that shit food and then you have to go to sleep they call it theitis I guess and by they I meet African Americans

they call it the fuckingitis and that's what they got and I learned that from Donnell because I don't know how that man stayed in shape but he had the worst diet he's one of those guys who like you stop for gas and he comes out of the gas station with like one of those gas station hot dogs and he would eat it and then he would immediately fall asleep and I and I would say to Charlie look at this guy he's sleeping and Charlie'd be like yeah man he got theitis and he explained that to me and with that little bit of information it went into my evil white brain and I drugged my two African American friends way back in the year 2005 and that's a little chicken story for you watch how you like that everybody so that's what the fuck they're saying

right there that's what Kentucky Fried Chicken is allegedly saying I guess I have to say alleged so their lawyers on retainer don't attack my fucking podcast as far as I can tell I'm asking you right now Kentucky Fried Chicken hiding behind your fucking letters KFC is that what the fuck you do is that what you're saying if you got kids who are not stimulated enough that they can't even sit down if you haven't really gotta run them around you gotta tie your kids out open the door you send them out in the fucking yard go outside get outside and play that's what you do like a goddamn one of those fucking Irish dogs that was bred to herd sheep you gotta let that fucking thing run around run around in circles go ahead get out there take a ball you just fucking throw it out in traffic

you can let that dog run around dodging cars it comes in it's gonna lay down okay it's not gonna jump all over companies sticking its cold nose right in their fucking hoo-ha's that's what you gotta do with your kids you gotta send them outside right but to catch a predator and all these other fucking shows you know all these shows on tv where people forget their kids are in a car with the windows rolled up and their kids are too fucking dumb to roll them down or they're too weak because they haven't gone outside and climbed a fucking tree and they stay in there and then their brains get cooked like a boxer you know you know that dog boxes they don't they don't do well in the sun well we'll need to do fat kids if you leave the windows rolled up you know and they got

those weak arms that all the like the most tedious things they ever did was take a wrapper off of a fucking uh an ice cream sandwich right you can't leave them in the car my mother left us in the car all the fucking time she would go to school she was going to school during the day trying to further her education and she left five fucking kids in the car with the windows rolled up and money for Burger King and she would say to us just go into the burger that's the only time you were to leave this car over the left over the next three fucking hours when i'm in class and she would disappear around the corner after we said absolutely mom and she walked away and we immediately would get out of the car start walking up and down the streets in boston we'd go into fucking Burger King

and we'd have some to eat do you know what would happen nowadays if they just saw five fucking dirty face kids walking up and down com ave boilston street going into a burger king looking like the cast of fucking annie someone would have filmed it and my mother would have been and they would have taken us away you know but but they didn't because there was no cameras back then our videotape ones i mean there was but only people at him are like the news and a young steven spielberg so we went in there and we fucking got some food climbed on cars and fucking yelled at people and shit you know hanging on park parking meters and all that hence we had the fucking forearm strength to roll down the windows and none of us ever had an issue in the car and you know what i think

that's one to grow on so there you go people i'm not saying kfc is food i'm not i'm just kidding i'm not saying it's bad food every once in a while who's kidding who every once we don't go it would be great if you could just fucking do harrowing the way you can eat mcdonald's just like every once in a while he'd just be like you know what yeah let's just fucking tie off not off for the rest of the fucking day and like the people at work understood it you know hey where were you yesterday ah and yeah i got this black tower harrowing came in you know hadn't done it like three months away figured fucking oh is that what you did how was it how was it you know like you went to aruba you said ah dude it was awesome fucking i don't

remember shit but you can't you know you get addicted to it um all right everybody let's do a little advertising here shall we shall well too fucking bad it's my podcast i'm doing it anyways all right here we go stamps dot com everyone summer is finally here and you want as much free time as possible don't let going to the post office cut into that free time use stamps dot com instead with stamps dot com you can print postage right from your desk you won't have to go to the post office find parking wait for your turn all of that crap ola stamps dot com turns your pc or mac into your own personal post office buy and print official us postage using your computer or your printer print everything from stamps to shipping labels shipping labels wherever you need whenever

you need it oh my god um they just hand your mail and then just hand your mail to the mailman stamps dot com is so convenient easy to use you'll never waste time going to the post office again i use stamps dot com to send out all the crap that i sell at the end of my shows when i stand there whoring myself out dealing with the fucking cougars right with their red wine breath trying to grab my lack of an ass right now use my last name burr burr for this special offer no risk trial plus a hundred ten dollar bonus offer which includes a digital scale and up to fifty five dollars free postage don't wait go to stamps dot com before you do anything else all right don't check in on your kids do this click on the microphone on the top of the homepage and type

in burr burr that stamps dot com enter burr all right who's number two in the order uh dollar shave club everybody the big razor companies you know what they think we're stupid oh yeah every year they roll out some ridiculous shaving technology gimmick and expect us to shell out big bucks for it what are they up to 17 blades at this point all lifting and separating like abroad in the 70s do you really need a razor with a vibrating handle uh a roller pivot ball back scratcher egg timer laser pointer corkscrew uh i know i don't we were shaving just fine before any of that crap we were two blades that was all you ever needed um you can get it under your nose they got so many blades you can't even shave under your nose um and i definitely don't think i need

to spend my hard earned cash on it people it's a bunch of junk if you're sick of being treated like a fool like a whore like an idiot a moron a sucker a chump join the hundreds of thousands of people who join dollar shave club dot com dollar shave club dot com delivers the best blades and grooming supplies for just a few bucks a month their blades are better than the big shave companies for a fraction of the price you know what i have sensitive skin so watch what you say about it when you're around it and their razors have never given me any problems honestly i have the best shave in my life with their 4x razor you gotta try it i've never used that stop putting words in my mouth i like the double blades you got there sweetheart i told my buddy about the

dollar shave club that would be you guys and he shares his subscription with his wife no lie i think it saved their marriage dollar shave club why are you writing all this crap you have a product that sells itself quit trying to make me sound more personal all right it's personal the way i fuck up the read okay my listeners can you get started now at dollar shave club dot com slash bur and don't forget next week is fucking father's day upgrade pop shave upgrade is wait upgrade pop shave with a dollar shave club gift card because he shouldn't have to pay more for his ridiculous shaving gimmicks either stop getting ripped off by the big getting ripped off by the big shaving companies join dollar shave club dot com slash burr uh shave club dot what oh they wrote it three

times in a row with no punctuation dollar shave club dot com slash burr then it says shave club dot com slash burr i don't even understand what it is dollar shave club dot com slash burr that's what it is b u r r okay this it's legitimate we don't need any bells and whistles on this thing just join it okay unless you want to keep getting screwed all right if you like to be Gillette's prison bitch keep doing what you're doing oh god look at that look at that little thing i just opened up those are my french words i stuck with it for two months and i don't remember any of them that makes a lot of people happy on the podcast i knew you weren't gonna learn french stay back here with me in the town eba what is all of this crap i have more fucking windows open

where the hell is the thing that i had here ah jesus christ untitled screenplay why don't i just call it unwritten screenplay that i'm never gonna finish oh bill don't get down on yourself come on oh there it is okay so anyways i've been watching a bunch of sports over here all this fucking week oh you know what's the greatest thing about the finals right now two american teams all right not that i'm against two canadian teams i'm just against listening to more than one nationally at them all right i get it i like my country i like living here i pay taxes pay the roads pay off a whore do whatever you want with my tax money i don't give a fuck but for the love of god how about we switch it up every once in a while how about you play my country tizethy my country

tizethy sweet land of liberty of the icing land of the pilgrims right nice and quick um so what did i watch i watched the first two games of the kings fucking ranges um how about those rangers huh everybody thought the east was weak including me they're right there step for step stride for stride skate for skate they've just been snake bitten in the uh in the over times i was really hoping the rangers were gonna win game two you know because if they do that's more hockey i don't want the kings to sweep them i don't want the rangers to sweep the i wanted to go seven games i really do i i enjoy the goddamn sport and uh i gotta tell you man it's been two games i mean if you ever we're gonna get into hockey those are two fucking great games to watch

uh both overtime games i don't fucking i didn't know what to tell you i can't even fucking remember i've watched so much sports i didn't remember what happened all i know is the rangers defenseman fell down in that overtime and then williams scored and uh i mean who the fuck scored game two i saw it i was watching it wasn't copetar he's been snake bitten ah who the fuck knows all i knows it's been great but i you know i'm really hoping the rangers win game three so we can get a series here but um jesus christ the kings they don't give a fuck huh down two nothing they're whatever we're used to it two nothing in a game that's a joke we've been down three games to none they just sort of fucking just keep playing the game you know what i also like too about both games

it was when they went into the uh the over times neither team was playing like like don't lose it hockey wait for them to make a mistake they were just up and down the ice fuck it let's end this thing i really enjoyed that and as always i can't stand them talking to the coaches during the game i think it's unbelievably disrespectful they did it in the heat spurs game it was funny they walked up to uh the spurs coach what the fuck is his name bonneville i have no idea i don't watch hoop something with a b popovich it was something like daddy this sounded like a car or some fucking bad junk food in the 70s um from the makers of jiffy pop comes popovich cracker jack's in your cunt um pop popovich they this fucking lady goes over then she goes

what are your what's your plan in the fourth quarter for uh for lebron james and he literally looks at her he's like are you kidding me uh try to get him to not score any points then she asked another dumb question he looked at it like she had three heads and then he just walked away and then she laughed like she was in on the joke rather than she was the joke right you are the fucking joke you're asking dumb questions it's not her fault i'm sure they're piping him into her ear you know oh jesus christ how bad is the fucking announcing crew for the nba finals mark jackson can somebody please explain to me why he always goes mama there goes that man what does that even fucking mean i know it means something good what does that mean am i too white

to understand that is that is that's what said when a when a fucking giant guy walks down the street in his part of the world some little kid looks up at his mom and says mama there goes that man i don't even know what the fuck it means all i can tell you is my my my newt knowledge of basketball watching that game i don't know anybody's fucking name other than the major people when that guy fucking was dribbling baseline and he threw the elbow into that guy's fucking ribs he used to be married to that chick that was on that show about the desperate housewives the fuck is tony parka yeah and the fucking white guy not van gundy the other guy mike breen whatever when he goes that looks i don't know is that a is that a foul who kind of looks like a uh

you know a normal basketball movement like it no it didn't he made a fist moved his arm forward and then brought his fucking elbow back and said was a textbook fucking elbow like the day when they start making a video version right of the dictionary because kids are too fat to fucking read they can't hold their eyeballs you know i don't know going side to side is too much lateral movement for their fat eyes they should just have a video of that was a textbook fucking elbow when they actually sat there debating it let's take a look at that again yeah that's how i run you know one's just sort of you know going like you know my left arm just kind of moves normally and then the other one i don't know what it is i don't know if i have a crooked spine or whatever

but it just kind of it kind of moves you know fucking all the way out straight and then it goes back like that feels over the love of god don't stand behind me textbook fucking elbow and then another thing that they did that fucking bugged the shit out of me was when they go uh they were talking about tim duncan they were showing this great thing that when he first met the guy there with the fucking bald spot uh erin brocovich whatever the fuck his name is chris googly ugly what's his name i don't fucking know they said when they first met him and he also met tony paga like he was quiet in a loof and they were intimidated by him and they were telling the story it was funny and then they cut to tim duncan and tim duncan was

like well you know i didn't have anything to say to him you know basically we're here to win games and if we start winning games together we'll we'll build a relationship and then they come back and mark jackson goes now you tell me what what is the difference between what he is doing not talking to his teammates and being a loof and what coby bryant does and i almost fell off my fucking chair and then jeff van gundy goes well you know i think it's the media you know once they think who you are they just keep perpetuating and blah blah blah blah fucking blah that's unbelievable the excuses that these nba whores once you start fucking sucking the dick right the nba like that's how you make your fucking mortgage they just say you know they're not

going to criticize the best guy well he's not the best guy now because he's hurt but he's been the best guy forever some people will say fucking uh lebron jave whatever but you know what i mean coby's definitely top three if not top two ever without a fucking doubt not even debatable but they just will not criticize the guy and they're trying to say like tim duncans aloofness is the same as coby you know walking off the court during bad losses walking out on his fucking to own teammates the whole shekelo kneel soap opera you know and not to mention that bad little fucking uh road trip he had you know out in colorado i would think that yeah you know i don't know you know it's funny as i don't think coby gives a fuck nor should he how the fuck people think

about him but they're sitting to try to sit there and compare tim duncan you know acting like the way kareem acted to magic johnson when he showed up and started jumping up and down when they want to fucking regular season game and he sort of looked at him like fucking relax we got 81 more games i mean that's just what a veteran does like that's the same thing is walking off the court walking out on your own fucking teammates you know i mean jesus christ jeff van gundy phil jackson in his own goddamn book trash coby bryant in a roundabout way you could read between the lines well he was definitely a difficult guy to coach smash cut to him ripping his tie off screaming at his wife i mean how many championships have i fucking won and his cut still won't listen

to me right that's what he's really saying how do you say go fuck yourself an italian that's what he's saying right i i i really can't i i have a real difficult time listen to those that looks like a normal basketball motion tell me no tell you tell me what's the difference between what he does what coby bryant does mama there goes that man i will i will tell you this though that the nba finals don't look fixed this year they're actually letting them play and it's been very enjoyable to watch there's always going to be some bullshit fouls or whatever and uh you know i don't know who the dumb fuck was that fixed the air conditioner though but if lebron james has problems with cramps you know it's probably in your best interest to you know a couple games

i mean shit you got home court just have it be busted the entire time right and if anybody else annoyed during that first game when the ac didn't work watching all those people fanning themselves in the crowd you know didn't you learn in third grade that that actually doesn't cool yourself off that i actually just that motion alone is raising your body temperature making you sweat even more you know what i think it is i think it's those those fucking texas girls they wear so much goddamn makeup makeup right that they got to make sure you know that it's not going to run they're extra fucking hot you know they got a bunch of latina women out there so a certain segment of them have shaved off their eyebrows and drawn

them back on now you can't have those things dripping down into your eyes you can't do that courtside seats right on television so they're all sitting there fanning the fuck themselves can anybody explain to me why why does uh lebron why does he get the cramps and nobody else does why back in the day when they would be playing in the boston garden that had no air conditioning right and johnny most would be going triple digits at the boston garden it was like over a hundred degrees and you see in kareem he's on the oxygen and robert parish takes a sip of water and then dumps the rest down the front of his jersey none of them cramped up i don't understand i don't understand i guess everybody you know what that's like lebron's kryptonite i think if it

gets too fucking hot so they ought to they ought to turn up the heat on the heat there that's what i would do because lebron i mean look at the the fucking guy's guy's a goddamn adonis he could body slam adonis whoever the fuck that guy is is that some sort of greek god who threw a discus in the nude what the fuck was wrong with the greeks and their goddamn naked games right everybody grappling over there that their curly hair i'm just shitting on everybody this week aren't i oh whatever it's sunday night did you guys go to church today there was an ark and a bunch of lepers make sure there's two and that fucking whore and jesus won't throw a stone um all right what do we got here 37 fucking minutes in

what have i have i talked about everything oh yeah i'm still trying to get in shape for my special i i've sort of like leveled out at about a buck 72 174 i want to be about 170 so for the first time in a long time because i fucked up my foot with that planter fisher right is there i actually took out uh i don't know what to call it other than a jump rope i know that's what girls call it what do you call it a skipping rope i hadn't done it in a few years jesus christ oh my god i should have videotaped it and i would instantly be considered the funniest human being ever if you guys watch me try to remember when to start jumping as i brought that thing around i'll tell you it was ugly i only did it for a minute because i'm testing out my

foot to see how it's going right so i did a bunch of stretches and then i took a tennis ball and i rolled it around underneath my foot before and after and it seems like it's all right but when you're old like me it's not the day of and a lot of times it's not even the next day it's that next day it's the day after the day after all right because what you fucked up is so deep down inside of you it takes a while for it to get to the surface that's what happened when i was playing hockey god i haven't played hockey in a while but i would fucking i would bruise up like three days later all of a sudden it looked like i got caned this is before i got all the pads you know oh by the way i want to thank all you guys for trashing me for my cupcakes i really

enjoyed um the cupcakes and i enjoyed the trashing that you guys gave me i had a lot of good laughs you know some hacky jokes but you're trying you know it's not your vocation there was a lot of funny ones out there you guys you guys you know what you paid it forward you really entertained me um and i'm going to tell you i'm not going to be bullied into not making cupcakes anymore um in fact the second i'm done with uh with this podcast i might even go on youtube and actually you know it's been fascinating me all week is trying to figure out how they get filling in a fucking cupcake how do you do it do you start to cook the cupcakes and then take them out and then fucking inject the shit in the middle and that's so like loose that the other than the

cupcake is is cake enough that you can put it in there this is the kind of stuff that i think about rather than looking at fucking people getting upset at what fathers of prisoners of war said at the fucking white house he can't tell me obama when he saw that guy's beard coming up he didn't think oh geez like what is this guy gonna say is he gonna think i'm the butler who works here first of all there's no way he didn't think that that guy that guy was like textbook racist white guys face right or at least like doomsday prepper no idea who's president he's got some fucking radio where he's listening to uh i don't know what new zealand i know people i'm all over the fucking place um yeah so i've been getting in shape i've been hiking doing my pull-ups climbing the fucking

rope and then eating like a fucking trying to eat like a champ uh as i say that i have a pizza on the way every once in a while you know but uh i just got to go hard here for the last few days and uh i cannot wait to get this special done so i can move on to my next hour and enjoy my summer and i've been going out to the clubs out here in la like a maniac i did five shows last night i did i think i took the night off before that and i did two the night before that four the night before that and it's funny like i was gonna i was like i know i'm just gonna do all of my bits in 15 minute chunks and you know what it is i can't do it i start to do it and then i just want to talk about the new shit which is the next fucking hour so but i still think it's good to just

be out there doing it going out there taking some swings right staying sharp i'm trying to anyways um so anyways i'm really looking forward to it and we've sold a ton of tickets down in land out and i really want to thank everybody in advance for coming out to uh took two to the uh to the taping and i hope i give you a great show all right and that's it oh by the way i'm supposed to remind uh the listeners of my podcast here if you want to follow the podcast and uh the youtube videos and the clips and all that type of shit all the stuff that i talk about if you can follow the monday morning podcast on twitter at at the mm podcast all right and uh mmp in the mm podcast that's all capitalized and uh you know you get all the latest updates all that shit all the all

things comedy things um you know the all things comedy networks we're gonna start trying to do some live podcasts out here in la and there's rumors that i might be hosting one of the first couple i've never done a live podcast where i hosted it so um i will be letting i'm doing a little teaser here i think that that's going to be happening in the beginning of july so i'll let you guys know about that um coming up and uh what else i think that's it all right let's let's get into the questions for this week and once again everybody thank you for sending me your emails you really help with the back nine here on the podcast there um all right first one out of the gate hey bill and my girlfriend my girlfriend doesn't like me carrying around a knife um

hey bill or nea bill and or nea i have a problem with my girl i am an ex marine and trained for years um before that with weapons jesus christ you were already training with weapons and then you became a marine see this is why you know i only talk shit on a comedy stage because you never know who you're gonna run into right um as a result i am in shape and i carry a knife wherever i go now my girl hates it when we go out and i have i have it on me it isn't a little pocket night it's it's a foot long fixed blade i'll fuck this i gotta get nea hang on a second let me press pause here and with that the magic of the pause button here we uh not only is the lovely nea here welcome hi um i also just wolfed down a pizza we had a small pizza break

yeah i did i ordered a small pizza moment of silence for this small pizza break what is snip dog i don't i i'm white nea i don't i don't know what that is it's a chronic break instead of pizza oh i added pizza so that i don't know you know something i never got into that west coast rap when it first came out you don't like doggie style though that that home we but snoops first out was like solo album is awesome no he's great he's great and he's aging he's aging better than anybody he went seamlessly from you know oh my god who is this young hooligan into all of a sudden he was uncle snoop and white people just it was it he's selling uh pistachios those uh pistachio he's selling pistachios vaporizer pens he's like he's just fully embracing

like i will sell anything as long as it brings me money no i actually wouldn't agree with that because both of those things are awesome pistachios and vaporize that's now if he was going to sell anything there would be like you know chlorox bleach or some shit in there just like shack sells like what he used to do nestle crunch bars which i thought was kind of weird shack lost all credibility when he was in that little ass buick remember that he's trying to say how comfortable it was and then he did that stupid point he was pointing at his friends who were laughing at him going look at shack first of all you don't drive buick when's the last time when's the last time he drove a fucking buick yeah that's sure you know junior high junior high by the time he was in high school

was a rapper though and he was in like with leaders in the new school and all those people now i remember how's my ass taste what's it's a sports thing when what are you talking about when kobe and him didn't get along really who said he said how does my ass taste well then kobe allegedly went to the front office said look either he goes or i go it was very real housewife but it wasn't because it was two grown ass men like professional players i guess so anyways so and by the way people we are going to get to the guy who carries the knife what we'll get to it there's a reason i called you in here okay um so the lakers were like all right well we got two studs here and one of them's like fucking 10 years younger than the other or

whatever it's all right so or eight years younger so we got it so they got rid of shack shack went to the heat and i believe the next year or the year after either the very next year or the year after he won a championship with the heat okay and the lakers were floundering at that point and uh so he was just so he was at a club and he was celebrating as you do and all of a sudden a microphone was handed to him he started freestyle rapping and came up with one and he was trashing kobe basically saying that uh you know you thought you could do without me now you can't so i went over here and i won one with dwayne wade and the hook was how's my ass taste that's disgusting i think it was supposed to be disgusting oh well

success yeah but there's something about shack shack is still silly he's silly enough does he play still shack yeah no i didn't think so he sits in a giant fucking suit does he he sounds like tv s like that kind of that like heat rub like my back hurts because i've bent over too many times right so let me pick it up my my fucking with my bag of cash no i was gonna say my giant slippers with my fucking shakiel logo embroidered in them too wordy bill um anyways let's let's get to this here uh bill my girlfriend doesn't like me carrying around a knife all right i have a problem with my girl i am an ex marine and trained for years before that with weapons as a result i am in shape and i carry a knife wherever i go stop bragging maybe stop bragging now fuck this everybody

else is a fat fuck out here this guy he's learned how to defend himself everybody else for the most part yeah did you see the people at brunch today wow so what though that's the most wow in america and people who are in shape really need to like get off their whole fucking high horse about it like you went to the gym congratulations what are you talking about this guy's a hero all right anyway he's wait a minute back up do you see any action back up i didn't say that everybody america wasn't you know couldn't lose a couple i'm just saying he's a guy who's actually in shape so he says can we continue please i don't like how you already hate this guy even when you hear what he's done because i don't think he has a problem with his girl i think he has a problem with his ego

and his paranoia but let's continue see this is why i bring you in this is so into the female perspective okay he goes now my girl hates it when we go out and i have it on me meaning the knife it isn't a little pocket knife it's a foot long fixed blade knife i can see oh is this he has a little dick he has a little dick i can seal it under my shoulder what under my jacket she says i don't like to feel it when i hug you which is bullshit we have fought about this and i refuse to give it up because it is an invaluable tool and it gives me a small sense of safety should i break up with her cave and get rid uh rid of it or lie and hide it in the car oh my god if you are willing to lose your girlfriend over an anime fucking object as i said in the

beginning before we got to the end of this fucking question you've got more problems than your girlfriend i don't know if you got ptsd or whatever it is but if you're seriously asking bill if you should break up with your girlfriend or put your fucking knife away because it freaks her out that you carry it under your shoulder like some fucking renegade and some goddamn kerr rustling movie from the late 80s then that's a serious problem can we back up what was what was uh ptsd what is that ptsd post traumatic stress disorder which is a serious thing that a lot of veterans suffer with so i don't i don't mean to to belittle it if that's the thing that you feel because you're a marine and you went through shit and dangerous around this guy with this guy was into weapons before

that clearly and that's the other thing too that's what i mean like if it's really like my knife or my girlfriend is that sir is that a real question you know what i think you just came up one of the great bumper stickers that you could sell in a lot of rural areas in america what's my knife on my girlfriend and you just have some dude like i don't know is that really a question though like that's what i mean is it really a question my knife or my should i break up with her just just play along just just act like all of these are real it makes it so much easier to get to the comedy understand why a woman hugging you and feeling a knife that you keep concealed on your shoulder at all times is a little throat it's underneath it's on his line i understand that

but do you know what until somebody shows up with a gun and he pulls out that night he goes hey hey i got a knife here i will deflect these bullets like wonder woman why do you have the knife sir do you have PTSD is that what it is do you feel like you need to have it because of the shit that you went through in the marines which is completely legitimate in which case well you need to have a more legitimate tone you need to talk to somebody about that and then you need to talk to your girlfriend why you feel like you need to have it because why do you feel like you need to have it he's never said in this in this question at all why he feels like he needs to carry a knife at all times when he's going on date night with his girl he's got the knife under

like his his blazer listen that's not a little bizarre that's a little excessive to you first of all the even gun nuts aren't carrying that shit constantly listen first of all what should be crazy out there in the streets you never know when you might need a knife i mean what is this like a foot long a foot long night that he keeps hidden under it like i mean at what point does it become a sword two feet and he's talking about giving up the knife or breaking up with his i mean the real thing is the real thing is the real thing is the guy needs to get out of this relationship because if he's even remotely considering you know what yes break up with her and spare her you're crazy hey hey easy yes break up with her do her a favor let her go because you

clearly got some shit to work out and you are questioning whether you should keep a knife or you keep your relationship can i give you some constructive criticism no no you can't because this is not bill gives me a constructive criticism hour this is neah comes on the podcast and gives her opinion hour so that's what she's doing well how about can i give you third person how can i give you can i give you constructive criticism for a minute let me ask you 30 seconds let me ask you this first of all don't put me on the clock on my podcast i'll shut off your mic um that's my knife your knife is your microphone that's right it is it's my security blanket your microphone or your wife listen let me first of all i already admitted that i like

fucking make cupcakes i don't need to go even further in this thing um i was very sweet and they were delicious okay can i get to this sure you when you make points on this podcast you want people to hear right that's not you don't go you kind of went like the way people make points on the internet okay where people go rather than just making their point to helps they'll just be like hey dickhead maybe if you that's how people start when they're making a point okay so you want me at which point at which point no coolheaded like you no no no no no i should follow your lead no right just be really like even tempered and and fair handed perfect person and just not like reactionary and freaking out and scream i was out in the

balcony i heard you screaming about whatever the fuck you're screaming about this week i was singing this is the same thing listen this guy definitely uh he has some security issues without a doubt um i don't know you know like maybe he got stabbed when he was younger and he was like that's never gonna happen to me against now he's gotta i don't know that's why i said ptsd which is a very legitimate thing would you stop with your fucking catchphrase psychological psychology ptsd you watch anything about veterans or anything it's a real serious fucking issue for these guys i know but you're not a psychologist you're sitting over here like dr joys brothers

listen i'll put your lab coat away you don't need to be a psychologist to hear when someone says should i keep my knife or break up with my girlfriend to know that something is seriously wrong you know maybe i don't need to be a chef to know that the toast is burnt well let me uh oh snap bam oh Jesus hey wait a second well what if he's sent it via his fucking phone he's typing with his thumb so he had to you know because one other hand is on his fucking knife that's still a problem well let me ask you this though what if uh you know you like a hard body right you're like hugging on somebody that's in shape this guy's in shape then what do you need a knife for doesn't the knife because yeah what do you mean what do you mean knife for because

we're made out of 90 water okay you could stab if you get me if you fucking we're able to fucking make a stabbing motion okay fast enough with a straw you kill me okay that's real talk that's real talk that's real talk so what are you if a tornado picks up a box full of straws and some godforsaken dine in the middle of the brass okay i you better hope you're already in your fucking bathtub with the legs on it what are you getting at with the hole i like a hard body what does it have to do with a knife i'm saying don't you guys okay you like a guy is in shape yeah rugged he seems like he can protect you yeah and he's fucking you know he's ready to be a bad you know a bad guy in like a steven cigar movie he's ready he's ready i'd rather his body be a lethal weapon not feeling

like he has to carry one yeah but nobody's body is a lethal weapon a lot like aren't like i don't know kung fu masters and yeah those are movies aren't there people in real life who can like have their their hand like floyd mayweather that jack asked can he have his why don't you like him with all his white cars you know why i don't like floyd mayweather i'm not getting into it on the i actually don't know why you don't like floyd mayweather we didn't talk about this we didn't talk about how just just can you just him and his relationship with women that's all i'm gonna say just google it not not don't no no no no come on just google it well what what does he do what he bangs a lot of women he should be he's the champ bang if you mean the champ around yes the champ

gets gets more banging as in beating them up sure he bangs a lot of women hey i tell jokes at home i mean everybody brings their job home oh my god you really need to stop now how do you know he hits his women well how do i watch what i just say wait a second how do i watch every one of his boring pay-per-view fights and get sucked in every time as he poo poo poo poo poo poo and fucking scores his way through the oh you mean as he comes out with like a circus leading him out and flanked by jesson beiber and lil wane that guy turned down for what turned down for what um why it's me and bill's new favorite song it's a fucking great song you know i love about that lyric it reminds me

of the i love those richer prior bits where he would be talking to other characters and you couldn't hear what they were saying but you knew by what he was saying you could tell what the other people were saying i love that shit and what i love about that lyric turned down for what is you know you see the party you see him having a good time and you can just hear say why don't you turn that and him sticking his head out the window turned down for what and you know what there's no answer yeah for what for what yeah yeah i like being turned up little wane makes sense lil john oh lil john get your lil's correct which one's little wane oh that's the guy with the he drank like fucking night quill for five years then i'd go to jail look like a look like a meerkat in that

suit remember that that fucking look at his face that is the look of somebody about ready to lose their freedom i hope i never have that look that's there's no fucking way to go to court when your freedom is on the line all of you are fucking whatever it is when the verdict's coming in you have this fuck are they gonna stick me in a fucking cage i can't you know i i can't uh i can't imagine ever being the defendant in a fucking trial where at the end of this i'm either gonna go free or they are gonna put me in a fucking cage i just i can't even i can't imagine that you lost me what what were we talking about i was you weren't listening i was i was talking about little wane little wane and i said the guy who drank the night quill and he had that

look like that little meerkat when he was sitting there in his suit please find me innocent suit that he was wearing and his hipster glasses that he put on he looked terrified as i would be looked you know much terrified he looked i do too i'm not saying i don't love the i mean i don't i don't know him i'm just saying i do love him i like that one where he was the doctor oh yeah dr carter we have another patient dr carney's like ah he sounds like that grizzled that i got time for this he went nick nolte on that track three fantastic wrap out um legal zoom everyone america was built by innovators and dreamers people like thomas edison and henry ford laid the foundation for our country these days it's the inventors and the entrepreneurs all around us like you that keep

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provides legal help through independent attorneys and self-help but they are not a law firm legal zoom dot com discount code burr and lastly but not leastly hulu plus everyone you've probably tried hulu on your computer hulu plus is so much more with hulu plus you can watch current seasons episodes of your favorite shows like modern family the daily show and scandal and watch every episode of shows like nashville loss and dr who you get ad-free movies and kid shows too now more than ever there's so much to watch take total control with hulu plus to stream these shows and thousands more as much as you want whenever you want hulu plus works on your computer your smart phone tv rocu apple tv i'm sorry your smart tv not smart phone smart tv rocu apple tv x bar

playstation pretty much any streaming device you already own you can even watch on your phone or ipad well i guess they can then huh while on the train at work at the dentist or in the bathroom you can even block off a day to binge you also get to uh to access originals that you cannot get anywhere else check out the new show deadbeat a comedy about a pot smoking guy who talks to ghost you can binge on all 10 episodes starting april ninth for only seven ninety nine a month get your shows anytime anywhere that's like a quarter a day come on folks sign up now right now sign up at hulu plus dot com slash bill or click the banner on my website and get two weeks full access completely free that's a whole extra week more with this special offer when you sign up at

hulu plus dot com slash bill oh wait i've got the ending so get with it and start streaming tv now with hulu plus i'm the worst okay all right weight loss dogpox and banging there we go all right billy boy he goes i got no nickname for you i don't worry i don't worry about it thanks for the podcast i'm a sales rep and use your podcast to de-stress is that a word uh don't you do it with jeans that's distress oh on the monday afternoon drive home oh nice six months ago my company laid me off and i've used your podcast to fatmate fat shame myself and work out during the day i love it dude fat shaming works no it doesn't yes it does i guess it did in this case does for me i stand in the mirror shirtless and i just go look what you did look what you did you piece of

shit nobody's gonna love you the next thing you know i'm out there eating kale jogging down the street with my white legs um he said i dropped 40 pounds can we talk about how you're dressed for a sport that would like never have you why are you dressed like that no because i was gonna go on a bike ride you're matching you actually look pretty cute i have to say that i mean no guy wants to look cute oh all right guys oh my god you look cute you do you look cute i would i would i would give you a second glance at the gym if you're wearing your little Nike outfit christ really that matches and what am i supposed to be thrilled by that yeah you should be oh shit you'd give me a second glance yeah yeah you should be happy all right you can tell yourself lucky i don't like your mint

chocolate chips fucking colored sweater you have this is rag and bone okay okay listen to the real fashion i've dropped 40 pounds and it's been great good from 260 to 220 and size 42 pants that's the size 36 nice good for you how the fuck wait a minute yeah how do you size how are you 220 pounds size 36 pants how does that work 42 to a 30 this guy's got to be jacked he's on the juice he's got fucking he's got giant shoulders 80 pound shoulders um he got anyway so here's my dilemma he goes i have a lab not a pot a lab golden retriever mix and we go to the park near my house every day to play fetch off the leash there is usual the usual there is the usual suspects of about 10 to 15 people that bring the dogs out to play i live in a slightly unsafe city parentheses

baltimore the wire yeah wait a minute didn't they shoot the wire there yes yeah slightly um other all baltimore yeah not all baltimore yeah you got you got the fucking waterfront that's sort of nice for half a second although didn't watch his face he had a meeting down there one time one of the episodes oh the guy you like the english guy on that show i don't know what his fucking name is his name on the show though was um Sturgis striker yeah wait spalding sterling no all right let's move on um and last week we were outside discussing stringer bell stringer bell yeah i put some new words in my head that i can remember and last week we were outside discussing the group of kids groups of kids on bikes that are grabbing women's asses

while jogging in the park so one guy starts telling the women to grab the kid that does that and hold them there until the police come oh yeah that that's really safe and realistic for women to do is that sarcasm yes that is sarcasm keep reading well just because he addresses it in the next sentence all right don't fucking order me around am i what's wrong with you nothing what jesus christ um he goes i think you can see the keep reading i've made my comment continue you are drunk with power um he goes i think you can see the danger here of anyone anyone adult grabbing a 14 to 16 year old kid and thinking the other kids will just ride away you're going to get beat down and probably hitting the head with

the brick sounds like the beginning of a death wish movie um so this same guy who by the way is a hedge fund manager and knows everything starts telling me all the fights he's been in he goes i'll buy each listener of this podcast a beer if he's even been in one fight he goes so his wife is there and everyone is listening he says i want to fight one time with just my mouth so before you can say anything else i say what did you do blow them he goes fantastic he goes well everyone laughs he can't really say anything and he storms off gets about 10 yards away and tells his wife she has to come home she throws me a wink and says that was hysterical i think you heard his feelings oh oh jesus christ doors opening and other doors

closing 36 pants he goes i found out a couple of days later that i'm going back to work and i'm being relocated he's gonna say can i bang her before i leave that's what i'm guessing back to work and i'm being relocated over a thousand miles away what's the problem well his wife his oh you wrote it wrong well his wife is a hot piece of ass and has started sending me facebook's messages and text text what do you mean text when she gets your number he skipped a part of that story sir saying she wants to sleep with me before i leave they have no kids and she showed me divorce papers that she is willing she's waiting to file uh after he gets his next bonus check in august normally i'm a pretty upstanding dude he's got to build up

credibility people like me in the community i've recently lost weight i have a lab golden retriever mechs and i go to the dog park he wants to fuck this guy's wife uh he goes i don't believe in crossing lines but this one feels different i'm moving within the next six weeks what should i do and thanks and go fuck yourself neah i'm gonna pass it over to you you know good and god damn well you need to stay away from that woman all right you're doing well you lost weight you got nice little one-liners you know how to put people in their place walk away you'll find somebody to fuck a thousand miles away where you get really okay relocated okay this is not the last piece of hot ass that you're gonna come across so relax yourself so what you're saying this pat yourself

on the back for the good line and the fact that you're getting attention from hot pieces of ass who are looking to take their husbands for all their worth before they divorce them and start banging the smart ass at the dog park be happy for that but you can fuck somebody else so what you're saying is it's like when columbus sailed over to america which was actually down to cuba i believe before he started chopping off people's hands because they couldn't find gold for his fillings okay um they saw branches right in the water that let them know that land was coming like that was a good sign so you're saying this this is just a hot piece of ass floating by letting them know that he's about ready to get on pussy island absolutely yes that's exactly what

i'm saying all right so just just just walk away i'm sure it's very flattering but you already you already humiliated the guy you did you did your you did your work that was a great line what did you do blow them that's fantastic and she's been waiting for a guy to come along to put her husband into his in his place and all that stuff so yeah good for you but not don't don't be that guy walk away all right you'll find somebody else i say do it all right fame now don't do it you know you're the voice of reason good you're absolutely right because you have no idea why she wants to do that you know because she might in an argument and be like oh yeah and you remember that guy at the dog part well i fucked him exactly he was better than you and then all of a sudden this guy sounds

crazy and this is why is she's showing you divorce papers and like i'm gonna divorce him as soon as he gets his next bonus check stay away from that crazy broad stay away from her good call no she's not so that's tp right there what's that toxic pussy it is yeah all right fame dear bill i am an inspiring actor and have been and have been for quite some time now i'm an inspiring actor and have been for quite some time now i am the worst i don't know where to pause and sentences you go that went good at reading out loud really what are you telling me next i don't tan well um i went your forearms do pretty good but the rest of you was like what do you want me to walk down the street in a fucking speed over there i i went to a

leguardia i went to a leguardia high school a school for performing arts good school um in pursuit to become an actor while there i meant i don't say names here shut i don't do names on here he goes you may know him from a couple of movies he's in now because you never know what he's gonna say okay um he was an arrogant jerk see that talked about he was going to get out of high school and go straight into acting without a care in the world you see his father is a famous photographer for a magazine so he already had a shoe in to break into the industry well what's he supposed to do not use it high school was a while ago and now i'm schlepping it doing student films and extra work while he's rocking a 1.2 million

instagram followers because his movie just came out how do i not feel bitter and resentful i know i'm not supposed to want fame as much as i do and i'm coming off really bitter and resentful but it's just how i feel that's honest yeah he's being honest you can't get mad at that this is what you do you you say god bless him and his uh his his success and you stop stalking him on the internet i was just about to say stop following him on instagram stop worrying about what he's doing how many followers he has and i know the movie that you're referring to did incredibly well this weekend hey hey let's let's not give it away let's not give it away but just let it go what was he a maleficent maleficent maleficent um but but let it go this is what

do your thing all right work go to class here's a deal take your parts we can get in but get your reel together do all the things that an actor is supposed to do also you're not any what did you what did you call yourself i'm an aspiring actor you're not an aspiring actor you are an actor so let's let's change the way we talk about ourselves you are an actor okay just because you're not in this billion dollar making film doesn't you're an actor okay do your thing don't worry about anybody else we're all surrounded by people who are going to be more successful than us that's the way that it goes you don't know where this guy is going to end up you only have yourself to worry about so just just let it go you know i know that's hard but you know who cares what he's doing the

other guy that we can't say his name no you don't we all get jealous we all get that's what i was gonna say that's what i was gonna say i wouldn't say bitter i never got bitter but i there was definitely when i was early on and i wasn't you know getting anywhere that's the time when you are most susceptible to being jealous envious and resentful on that type of thing but i never got to bitter but i definitely was looking at people going like oh fuck i started before this person and they're there and i'm here and what the fuck am i doing wrong and and uh oh this person's killing it and you know you know fuck that person blah blah blah blah it just it was a bunch of it's a waste wasted energy you just you just gotta believe that you're gonna get what the fuck you're gonna

get so put all that energy into your work yeah and uh keep your eyes down when you see his big billboard in time square it's fucking it's a brutal business it's a brutal business uh but no that is a great question i mean you know what's because people you know i'm sure people at work they get passed over and somebody else gets the fucking job or there was somebody in in hr that you wanted to bang and be like oh i can't fuck somebody at work that's against the rules and somebody else moved in and they got them and then they both quit the job and you seem disappeared into the sunset and you're sitting there did this happen to you you're being standing over the very i paint pictures crying it's all i do twitter thing now builds are i paint pictures

i make cupcakes i paint pictures all right dilemma all right bill would you rather have would you rather have drumroll he says a daughter who's a hoe or a gay son who's also a hoe what the fuck is this fucking homophobic sexist ass ridiculous question a daughter who's a hoe or a gay son who's a hoe this one is so offensive on so many levels like i can't even i won't even so that's all you okay well here's the thing nia people have to be allowed to be homophobic why because that's how you get it out of you that's like saying you know you shouldn't be you know i'll be not into fat shaming but this guy can't fucking asshole shaming i'm all for it no i'm not saying that like no this is the problem this is the fucking problem what is the problem the problem

is is you're already enlightened yeah okay and somebody else isn't enlightened and the way to get him there is not this shit all over him you got to extend the fucking olive branch oh god he comes more sarcasm i get it i have to be tolerant for like the ignorant assholes right because they're the ones that are misunderstood they're the ones that need an extra helping hand in this world because the world is so hard for them that's right because everyone else is so like pc this is why nothing gets solved and the people who are enlightened right here they just get left behind they just get left behind all these poor ignorant assholes like they don't let's all like help lift them up not the people who are truly suffering from with that ignorant all right

listen none of that got that guy any closer to nothing first of all he might just be you call right now doesn't help me there i'm not coddling the guy yeah you are you coddle a lot of ignorant assholes in the name of comedy and i'm sick of it jesus christ look you do all right well let me ask you this you know somebody says something homophobic on tv and then they get fired from a show for saying something homophobic and you immediately side with them why is that i don't side with them yeah you do you take the you you go with like the sympathy angle rather than the people who are actually offended by it you're like well wait a minute now let's figure out why that's not what i'm saying you don't even listen to what i'm saying you're so you're so on your

fucking soapbox of how goddamn right you are that you're immediately assuming that i'm advocating homophobia i'm not what are you advocating i'm advocating that when somebody's fucking homophobic to just go in and then take their job from them how does that help that person with their homophobia do you think they then go home and go like oh now i get it they don't they become worse so if you want to solve the fucking problem and i believe that when they do that it isn't as much about stopping whatever the thing is a sexist comic homophobic anything what it is is it is it showing the power that your group has you shut the fuck up or we're firing you so what you do is all you do is you create all of that ignorance to go underground you're not telling them to shut

the fuck up what you're telling them is that let me finish can i can i finish my point if i can please finish my point no you can't you you're what you're telling them is that they don't have a right to just be have a platform and spew that kind of intolerance that's what i'm not saying that you don't say anything shut the fuck up you don't say anything ever about no you just you're not you're it's not okay when you have i finish my fucking point for the love of christ okay what i'm saying is you're not giving them a platform i'm not saying that they don't get reprimanded or or anything like that but to take that fucking job what you've done is you've taken a persons whose ignorance was here and now you're gonna add way more to that and you're gonna stir up all

these other fucking people i'm telling like the the way i feel to get rid of all of that shit is you gotta let people say the stuff and then you have to sit down them rationally and you can't come at hey you ignorant fucking sexist cunt fuck maybe if you were enlightened like then you're enlightened point comes after all of that shit they don't they don't hear it at that point you fire somebody they're not gonna they're not gonna be come less sexist or anything like that all you all you've done is taking away you took away their ability to earn a fucking living that's all you did and they're gonna become even more resentful and they're gonna have fucking kids and what are they gonna pass it on to i'm not saying that you can sit down with these people

and actually rationalize them to to to a different place okay but some of them you can but if you fire all of them and you scold all of them and all of that shit and as i've said in my act a zillion fucking times if everybody's conversations were recorded would anybody have a job on monday i'm just i'm fucking sick of everybody jumping on on on a soapbox or all gathering around to watch somebody take a fucking beat down and completely ignoring all of all of your own fucking faults i just don't think that that the the crucify him angle to all of this shit is is gonna help is gonna help anybody now this there's definitely situations where like take take like the clipper's owner okay now what that guy is doing is is like

he's affecting like the entire nba he's affecting the entire fucking product so you have to get rid of that guy okay he's one of the owners of the league but i think like a guy just a guy on espn okay if he makes an ignorant comment it's a great opportunity to sit down with that guy and then watch the guy hopefully honestly go through some sort of a journey you could turn that into a fucking show you could actually have a guy rather than come out and do the usual horseshit you know uh what i said was ignorant and blah blah i mean you could i could fucking wing an apology for every fucking offensive thing at this point i've seen every fucking apology you're just going out there giving lip service because you're trying to get your fucking money back you know what i mean

but to actually sit sit down and say say to talk to somebody who actually thinks like being gay is a choice to maybe trying to try to get through you could maybe just get 10 of the people onto this side rather than pushing them all the pushing their face in the mud you're a bad fucking person fuck your job fuck all this i'm not saying that that they shouldn't be disciplined but this whole thing that when somebody does something like that this person might have just wrote it just thought oh i thought this was funny and and they didn't they didn't understand i remember a few years ago i'm supposed to go in there and like take their their hand into my hand and sit down and be like okay no listen like they're my child now i know you thought this was funny but this is why it's

offensive i'm supposed to i'm supposed to do that now i'm supposed to be there no because what you're doing is still condescending now you're treating him like a child now this is what you did so what are you proposing sitting down and talking to people actually having an attack like that shit that mark cuban got in trouble for was was fucking horseshit the guy was being honest what what what are you talking about he got in trouble for being honest and he had to apologize for being honest for he was talking about the clipper zoner and what he started doing was started talking he started talking about his own issues which i thought was a really courageous thing to do where he was saying like look you know um the world that we live in he goes when

i walk down the street if i'm walking down the street at night and i see a black guy with his hoodie up i'm crossing the street if i then see a white guy with a shaved head and a bunch of tattoos on his neck and blah blah i'm crossing the street again where he fucked up was he said the hoodie thing which made everybody think he'd trade on yeah but what he was saying was was the beginning of this unbelievable fucking conversation that never happens in the media it all is the person says the fucking thing then they get in trouble they lose their fucking job and then they disappear and then that's it and everybody learned all they all you learn is oh don't say that on television like this whole elimination of words like if we eliminate the word like but

people don't think like you're not going to think shit oh i would think that that's racial slur but now that i can't say it i don't think those thoughts it's fucking i don't know if it's childish or like moronic i understand it where people don't want to see that or hear it on television but you're not helping the problem well what you're actually doing checks and balances system when this happens it's a fucking lily but i think what we're doing doesn't fucking work go on the internet nia and look at the look at the level of this type of shit out there it's it's fucking off the charts yeah i know all right so what you're doing when you eliminate these words and you have all these fucking uh uh fire the person and all that what which if you have half a fucking brain you just

learn okay don't say this don't say that don't say that and then what you can basically do is you can safely get across the minefield without blowing yourself up now while you still think all that ignorant shit while you still won't hire this person while you still won't associate with this person while you still feel this way while you still stand in your ground you can get through all of that that entire fucking maze because through watching through this simple game of these are the words you don't fucking say these are the words you can say all of that horseshit it doesn't change anything that's in your heart that's all cerebral these are good words these are bad words and you can still have all of that awful shit in your heart and

not to mention everybody has fucked up everybody has fucking issues everybody has issues they do you make a lot of good points those people who say i don't make a lot of good points those people who say i don't see color are fucking i hate when people say that i hate when people yeah what what do you need are you asian i can't tell i don't i don't see color it's ridiculous when people say that no i i agree with that no and then people also make assumption they go oh your wife is african-american you can't be racist you can't have a racist thought it's also bullshit yeah it's also bullshit i at night when i'm at night i used to do a bit of my act that everybody at night is fucking racist because you're scared and you're trying to get to your fucking car so whatever you

see you think the worst of can i also just which goes back to that mark cuban point when he's talking about walking about to bring it up because i think can i also just say that i think it's hilarious that anyone would think that mark cuban walks down the street anywhere if he's not being like chaufford and a maybach or like flying in a private plane like mark cuban was the last time you walked down the street and we're scared no he's a cool guy he's a cool guy he's come out to a couple comedy shows he just walks in the back and he's in the back come on you know him i i do say them on tv i have see i've i've seen him where's a t-shirt in vegas got the bedhead i've seen yes i've seen mark cuban you saw him in a club in vegas yep was at the time i was there nope the fuck did you go

to vegas with mark cuban i didn't go to vegas did he fly you in no coach no first play if you flew your first class i'm gonna fucking have to what are you doing i have her trained anywhere like i'm in the plane all right i'm not anyway no it's not that's not the point all right can i answer this dilemma mark cuban is not the point all right yeah what's what's the dilemma oh are you actually going to like go back and answer this question a daughter who's a hoe or a gay son who's a hoe yeah i'll answer this question this homophobic question well after all that well but what he's getting out there what is he getting out there i like how just awesome how able to see like the the nuance and like the lesson that we're supposed to learn from this ridiculous well if you get off your fucking

high horse what he's getting out there is the amount of people that say they're not homophobic but wouldn't want to have a gay son is that through through is that what yeah he's comparing having a daughter who's a a whore to having a gay son like like that's the same thing and then he's also whore you know so i i it's it's like to me this is like the thing i can't get mad at this is is is the honesty what's the matter what do you what do you point here i hear something coming out from here yeah um how long has that been going on i don't know ah fuck why don't what why isn't there just like a daughter who's a hoe or a son who's a whore because because because if a guy making no because if a guy is a whore he's considered like a stud right so he doesn't even

enter the equation which is which is right by the way this is why which is right by the way which is right what first of all hold the mic up which is right what if if a guy be a son is going out there crushing it he's a stud uh and if your daughter is going out there crushing it yeah she's also a stud no she's not no she is no she isn't see this is what i'm talking about this question is so fucking offensive it's so offensive can i tell you what a daughter who's a hoe or gay son who's also a hoe like fuck you well what if he's like 2019 he's a kid i don't care i would say the exact same thing if i had my 19 or 20 year old son all right all right you don't have fucking stuff listen to me i'll tell you why the the the son crushing it

this is an old bit of mine and i'm gonna do it for you here in the pocket because it takes skill as a guy to get laid here it is here it is you just exist as a woman and you can get laid is that what it is and so men should be applauded for their ability to stick it in a girl congratulations men of the world you got laid you know what this is people you know what this is hooray for you gold star for men because you're able to like somehow convince a woman to have sex with you wow you're a real fucking don Juan over there this is it now i'm just imagine just how hard it is for me to talk to you to even get a word in on this podcast now imagine i'm trying to fuck you that's what it is and i remember a long time ago when i was talking to you i said okay

let's switch the fuck let's turn the tables you come you were talking about the the dumb shit that guys say to you yeah in a bar and i said all right let's turn the tables let's say i have control of my fucking sexuality right not sexually my sexual i don't know who i like um some days you do have control over your sexuality yes i do honey thank you snap to the north and to the south um 12 and 6 honey um oh no no what what if like what was the scenario i said if i i had control of my sex drive and you didn't you told me and i said for you to come in and start hitting on me and you know what you were fucking awful i was awful you were awful and then the greatest line ever was i just sat there going like yeah whatever and i was just doing all that type and

you go you're making this difficult on purpose and i said yeah welcome to my world and that's what it was oh so hard to be a guy i'm not saying it's hard to be a guy i'm saying in that situation first of all that's the entire thing that's what all feminism is based in it's difficult to be a woman and your your fucking equation the feminist equation is basic it's like what okay lying in a bed it's easier for a guy to lie on a mattress nothing about feminism you know nothing so for you to sit here and try to act like you know what feminism is and what it means you need to just stop all right then i'll be more gentle women complaining it's it's it's harder for a for a woman to lose weight it's harder for us to sit in a chair it's harder for us you don't need to speak about things

that you don't know anything about but i realize that hasn't stopped you before man you've been interrupting me for a fucking half an hour going on your goddamn the podcast so what do you want from me you want me to just sit here and be like uh-huh oh i thought you were going to be an adult i thought i was being an adult i thought we're having an adult conversation we weren't being a you weren't being an adult you were fucking talking over me i'm the blow hard welcome to my world you said oh too shay this is why it works between us no shut up you know sometimes i'm so pissed i made you those cups you know i should have made those things right brought him in here look i didn't you be oh it's so sweet just mushed him right in your face how

would you like that neah why are you recalling like an old bit of yours i'm not okay is that an old bit yes it is what bit was that one that's kind of it's kind of a play on the the punching the muffins bit those are the muffins this is a totally different bit i feel like comedians like bitching over a joke mine's different mine mine are cupcakes right okay are you actually gonna finish that gatorade you're gonna leave one swallow and stick in the refrigerator fucking weirdo you have like fucking 15 things in the refrigerator that'll have one bite or one sip left i know i know it's ridiculous i don't know i just why don't you go stick another miso soup in there till the fucking tapioca whatever the fucking tofu turns green i know i don't know why i don't

just finish it and hey don't you know what you finish the cheese anytime i fucking get those nice fucking slices of cheese to my salami sandwich i maybe get one sandwich with cheese on it and then i come back i'm like where the fuck is all the cheese yeah and then you put on your oh i did something wrong so i'm gonna make a cute face now i told you you can't have cheese in the house with me all right can we answer this question nia nia what would you rather have would you rather have a daughter who's a ho or a gay son who's also a ho i would rather not have a child that would even ask questions like this not an option it's either or nope not answering oh you're taking your ball and you're going home that's right why don't you answer with them

i know what you're gonna say i'd rather have a gay son i knew it because at least he's a guy getting something he's out there crushing it he's out there crushing it more on why both you and this person that asked this question he's talking about having a gay son be great first of all you could teach you how to keep your abs well until your fifties as long as he's out there practice and safe sex right i'm assuming that he's a top oh because you're you're a gay son if i have a gay son he's gonna be a top and if he's gay you want him to be a top that's actually a funny line for a fucking character in a movie my son's game oh he's a top yeah but he's a top it's it's a different it's so until he's still crushing it right ridiculous

this is like ensue detective when woody harrell since character when his like chickens come home to roose so to speak and his daughter is caught with the two guys in the car and he starts freaking out of her and saying like what's it like being the captain of the varsity slut team or whatever and he's out there whoring around like constantly this is like the exact same scenario how where he feels like he's entitled to do all this shit to fuck all the women that he wants to and can and yeah when his daughter is doing the same thing he's freaking out of her and she's getting like grounded there's no skill involved you are there is no skill involved and it's nothing to do with skill okay it is you don't have to talk you say you don't have to command that you don't have

to convince the guy to fuck you like it's a sport like what do you have to do what do you have to do what do you have to do oh my show a little leg yeah i come in with my red chest here you think i'm beating him off me i'm not i gotta put on my gloves i gotta put on my big boy pants you come up with an open line you're a performer who's out on stage don't try to act like it's so hard for you to get laid okay don't don't perpetrate this myth that it's so difficult for you you're actually perpetrating a myth for all of you people aspiring comedians or entertainers if you want the easy pussy you uh eddie murphy did it a long time ago all you do have to do is sing comedians get laid left and right they get laid left and right no matter how ridiculous douchebag

and dirtbag but here's the thing here's the thing though laid left here's the thing comedy groupies are lining up at the comedy groupies there are comedy groupies there are comedy groupies there are comedy groupies there are comedy groupies oh my god when do they show up when you're finally playing a stadium you go down to a coffee house with a fucking ukulele okay and somebody's blowing and you know what when you're fucking set over no no when when you're fucking sets over you don't have to keep playing the ukulele is it comedian you're funny on stage when you get off you got to keep fucking you got to keep the plate spinning yeah you have to still be an entertaining person in order to be considered worthwhile that's everyone's issue no no no no but you can be some

mopey coffee house guy oh the leaves are brown and the sky is gray right and then get off stage and just sit there with your shoulder slump and they want to take care of you next thing you know they're buying your groceries you never heard the guns and roses they're like a whole fucking they don't harem a fucking chicks paying for paying for their shit why because those guys seem helpless in any way shape or form did that borrow their bracelets did did axle rows come off as helpless as slash helpless as anyone look at those guys is like oh they need a mommy i don't fucking know i don't know i'm just saying though just don't don't put it out there that you're going to become a comedian this certain get laid there's certain comics you have to be a good

let's put it that way no but there's also like funny yeah yeah believe me yeah believe me i have not had the groupies trust me i have a bunch of meathead guys who come out to my show and the occasional like you know psychotic woman okay lately i've been turning the corner a little bit but i gotta tell you like they were a while there you did have kind of the the crazy chicks that were coming up to you afterward you did have a good period of that well yeah because i was an i was an angry believe it or not people i was actually way more angry on stage today so i think i scared a lot of them away um but no i found like that me this is the deal this is what i found with is is like a fucking uh a male comic if you do want to get laid after the shows

i found the comics who talk about sex a lot you know and then also then there's the other ones who have like that slumber party energy mm-hmm that oh my god you guys if you have like that vibe as a straight dude that you're pretty much in there right you're pretty much in there but the rest of us the rest of us yeah you still got you gotta kind of work it's it's annoying i actually i actually do you actually have to like work at it and like you know oh god you're so arrogant the last time you paid for a fucking drink wait what are you coming off with this oh well do you have to wait yeah yeah i bust my fucking ass excuse me once the last time i paid for a drink yes talking about since i've been with you yes ten years yes yeah otherwise if i'm not with you

and i'm out i buy my own drinks yeah thank you very much oh every woman's a hero in their stories you are your main you guys are all here i will buy and pay for stuff oh the lady is independent you fucking throw your hands up but then when the divorce happens i'm just a girl you know what you guys see how you talk like you're some bitter divorce guy that's gone through the ringer when it hasn't even fucking happened to you well it's happened to a lot of my friends yeah and so so therefore it's happened to you right so you're you know i never said i never said it happened to me when did i say that happened to me you act like it's happened to you the way you talk about divorce and this and that how women do this and women do that and how come they never

talk about it you never hear them talk about it you don't well here's something in here if i can only something for your ass if i can only talk about what i've actually done that would make you that would be like i'd be half like eight subjects i mean what do i do i tell fucking jokes i go to the airport you know so then what you can talk about a whole bunch of subjects that you've maybe read up on or no people have talked about you do you went off on the whole gay thing you're not gay no i'm not but so where do you get off telling me what like what subjects i can and can't talk about touche huh oh that's even a touche to a touche we're gonna end on a tie let's end on a time let's end on a tie oh we had a happy edging everybody all right that's the podcast for this

week uh that's it uh please if anybody if you're in the Atlanta area we got a couple more rows to sell at the tabernacle uh for my my next special on june 20th and um what else what else what else what else all things comedy and that type of thing my podcast network no no i want to say something but i don't want to say you know everybody knows what the fuck happened this week and i'm really shook up about it and yeah i don't know what i get keep getting conflicting reports and that type of thing and i feel just keep yeah yeah and i don't i don't like i don't like doing that because then they fucking they you know and so and so had this to say and it becomes like a fucking i know a career move let me get more twitter followers because if somebody else is fucking

tragic night so people that you know so it's not it's not bullshit though it's sincere exactly all right okay that's the podcast for this week i'll talk to you next time oh conversation you you you you

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