Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-1-21

Episode Date: July 1, 2021

Bill rambles about zen, the housing market, and Van Halen.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at cerrillas.com I have faith in the doctors and I really believe that if you put this virus into a cinematic form, most sequels suck. They're not as good as the first one, so I don't think it's going to be as powerful.

That's what I'm hanging on the hope for and I'm rooting on the medical community. That's what I'm doing. I'm not focusing on the person I talked to last night at my show, who's like, Don't focus on the negativity, bro. I love the guy. That's what that was his response to. I was going like, what are they saying now? We got to wear masks again.

There's another COVID and the guy's like, don't focus on the negativity, bro. Just shrugging his shoulders, you know. That's one of the greatest fucking responses ever. Zen comes in all forms and sometimes it comes in stupidity. Not saying the guy's not good at math. Not saying he's not going to do well in life, but just that small town. I've always been envious of people who have that small town mentality and they're just happy as hell. People in my business make fun of them and they shouldn't because those people are way more happier than seekers.

Than people who want to travel and see the world and find out, you know, what their truth is and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Those fucking people, they grow up in a town. They have no urge, no need, no desire, no itch to scratch, to fucking leave. They marry somebody who's of the same mind that grew up in the same town and blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, who's happier than those? Have you ever met happier people? Why would I leave? They got Eddie's and Murray's down the street.

We go over here for the ice cream. My parents took me here happy. I really think that if you have a kid in a small town and then the kid never leaves the town and is totally happy, you fucking crushed it as a parent. The kid had no like, I have to make a name for myself, I gotta do this, I gotta do that, that'll be happy. They're like, no man, you know, grew up here, I fucking love it here. Get myself a job, putz around town, take the wife and kids out to the local spot. My parents took me to them.

That's just a fucking zen mentality that you have enough, you don't need more. And yeah, I don't know. And this kid had that vibe, but it was fucking hilarious to apply that small town to something that was killing people globally. Still one of my favorite things somebody's ever said at one of my shows. It is, you know, when you interlock your fingers and you gotta rest it on your hands or rest it on your head, he was sitting like that, leaning back. Don't focus on the negativity, bro. Such a simple answer to such a huge problem.

And what I loved about him was he was trying to help me out. He was still coming from a good place. And what's funny is you can get a small town mentality in a giant city like Los Angeles, you can get it in New York City. New York City probably has, per capita, the largest group of small town minded people ever that I ever ran into. And all of their bravado about, you know, New York and how you gotta be tough and blah blah blah. I don't know if they do that anymore. They fucking, what they did to Manhattan and now most of Brooklyn. But back in the day when you had to be tough and all blah blah. Like, if you want to see somebody uncomfortable, take a lifelong New Yorker out of New York.

100% outside of their comfort zone and they just start having like a fucking panic attack. What if I want Chinese food at 4 in the morning? Hey, how about you order it at 1? What if I want to go here until 5 in the morning? How about we just go out earlier? You're still going to drink for 4 to 6 hours. 6 hours is pushing it, you know? It's still the same amount of fun you're going to have. Nobody in New York would go out at 7 at night and then stay out till 6 in the morning unless you were doing blow or something. But you can't do that legally, right? I don't fucking know. Anyway, so I've been having a great time. I'm recording this Wednesday afternoon, 4.09 p.m. West Coast time, 51 minutes before Game 2 of the Stanley Cup final.

Between your Tampa Bay lightnings and Voltra, fucking, how do you say Volt? Montreal, Canadians, however you say it, right? Tampa Bay wins the first game convincingly. I saw it when it was 2-0 and then the Canadians scored a goal right at the end of the second period. And I was like, okay, here they come. Because the whole time when it was 1-0, I was just sitting there watching it alone, saying all the cliches, going, they're hanging around, they're letting them hang around, right? And then all of a sudden Tampa scored again and I was like, that was a huge fucking goal. That is a backbreaker right there. Because now the game is almost 2-thirds over. You just doubled your lead on that goal psychologically. That really fucking hurts them.

And as I'm thinking that, bam, fucking Canadian score. And that's why they are in the final. Because it's a fucking great team that I don't think is overachieving. I just think they're a great fucking team. Hate to say it as a Bruins fan, but they are. And then I had to go out to go do my show and then I saw that the final score was 5-1. I'm guessing one of those was an empty netter. But so obviously game two, you know, the Canadians have seen what Tampa does. And I'm sure they've come out with a game plan to try and shut that down like they did to Vegas, like they did to Winnipeg, like they did for the final three games against Tampa, I mean, against Toronto. Can they do it? Against the Tampa Bay Lightning, who are trying to be the first team to go back to back. Stanley Cup winners since the 2015 or 2016-2017 Pittsburgh Penguins.

Not only that, they're trying to bring the third title to Tampa within like a fucking year. This time last year, a little over a year, because I guess before COVID and everything, right? Or last year was COVID also. I can't even fucking remember. Forget how that worked out. They won it in like sort of June, July-ish, I imagine. And the Tampa Bay Buccaneers with, of course, Tom Brady, you got Tom Brady as a quarterback, you're just going to fucking win the Super Bowl. That's just how it is. The man wins it every other year, 2014, 2016, 2018, 2020. So maybe he doesn't win it this year. He wins it the following year, which I don't even have to look it up. And that's got to be a record, 14, 16, 18, 20. Has anybody won four Super Bowl titles every other year for fucking seven years? Every other year. Maybe somebody's won it four. No. You'd have to go to them. Who's that guy that played on the 49ers?

Charles Haley and the Cowboys. And Deon Sanders jumped back and forth between the 49ers and the Cowboys. Anyway, plowing ahead here. So obviously I'm rooting for Tampa, but I'm not taking it to a Bruins-County level that I'm not going to enjoy how great a team the Montreal Canadiens are. They're a fucking great team. So we shall see in Tampa Bay Lightning looking to put themselves in the history books as far as one of the great teams in recent memory, as far as their fucking dominance. And with that, and with that, let's talk about how fucking out of shape I am. Turning it around. 187.2. I have to tip in the scales at, I don't know, 189 points something. Tipping the scales. And that was after I had Neaton, like I said, in like fucking, I don't know how many hours, 14 hours, 15 hours, maybe even more than that. So I was in the low 190s, which is just disgraceful because at my height, you know, someone was saying that the 200 pound threshold, do you go over that? There's no coming back. I mean, you can come back, but you got to get like skin operation after that. And they're going to fucking start, you know, hacking you down like shwarma.

So my goal is, you know, I just watched the Four Kings on Showtime. And I'm looking at Marvin Hagler, who was my height 5'10". I'm just under 5'10", 5'9", 3'4". Do not lie about my fucking height or my dick size. Marvin Hagler, 5'10", 159". That's what I weighed when I graduated high school. So that's what I'm shooting for. Because if I come up short, I'll be in the 160s and I'll still look fucking great. You know what I mean? So that's kind of what I'm going for. I'm going to try to lose 2 to 3 pounds a week for the next, I don't know, 19 weeks and I think I should be there. I should be there. Let's see. Let's see where it is. And I'm saying this on the fucking podcast so you guys can write in and give me shit and keep driving me along here. So when did I weigh myself? On the 28th. So I need to be 186 by June 5th, then 183, then 180, then 177, 174, 171, 168. That's when it gets exciting. 165, 162, 159. Now if I can somehow, if I drop 3 pounds a week by September 6th, I will be in Marvin Hagler's shape.

I'm not going to look like Marvin Hagler, but you know what I mean? I'll be as bald as him, breast as soul. That's my goal. But you know what? I got a 10 day vacation in the middle of that in August. So I'm going to have to fucking figure out what I'm going to be doing. Because I'm going to be seeing some friends. There's going to be local food that I've never tried. And I got to watch out for that week. So I'm going to say September, I'll give myself September 13th. Instead of the first week, it will be the second week. And only then. Because 10 days, if you can have a zero week on a vacation, didn't gain, didn't lose, that's pretty fucking good. I think, I don't know, my babbling. Dude, I'm so fucking fat right now. I can't fit into any of my show shirts, my button down fitted shirts. I deliberately have them that way, so I won't become a fat fuck. And what happens is how I stay on shape is if I'm wearing them on the road and I feel like they get in a little fucking, a little grabby. You know, I just hit the hotel gym. I fucking eat well for a couple days and I get the bloat to go down. But the thing is, I haven't had any road dates.

So those fucking jerseys have just been fucking jerseys. Those fucking button downs have just been hanging in my closet. And you know, I've been fucking in sweatpants and shit like that. And even jeans. You know, you buy jeans, they'll say fucking 33, 34 inch waist, but they'll stretch out to like 38. So that's what I got. 33, 34 inch jeans that stretch out to 38 and they're actually pinching on my hips now. So I'm like a fucking 40 or something. I gotta be every bit of a 40. A true honest 40. Because everybody's so fucking out of shape now that they lie. The pants are a lie. They make you feel bad. I can fit into 34s. Yeah, because it stretches out to 38. You fucking don't eat and cunt. Or in my case, a cake eating cunt. So I am fucking, I am done with this bullshit. I'm done with it. So I've been going on my old man walks, which I did today, walking around.

You know, on leg day, I'll actually go on a hike. I'll drive to a park or something. I'll go on a hike. One of the great things about LA is they got all these great places to go on a hike. But if it's just like a, just a regular day where I need to go for walks and try to get my steps in, which by the way, that fucking bullshit that you need to take 10,000 steps a day is fucking horseshit. That's like five fucking miles. It's like you don't need to walk five miles a day if you're eating right. Okay. If you're eating the way I ate over the last six weeks, you need to do about fucking 20,000 steps a day. But I was walking around, you know, I like to drive places and then go for a walk just so I can see different parts of the city because I'm not driving by so I don't miss it. You know, I miss shit because I'm trying not to get cut off or I'm staring at my phone texting like most people when they're driving, trying not to do that.

But so I was walking around the city and I came walking down the street and there was this guy sleeping, sort of like in an L shape. Like his legs were straight out and then his back was up against the building. And he was sleeping and I walked by and I was looking at him because I was like thinking like, there's a young guy. How the fuck did he end up like that? And as I walked by him, he opened one eye and was looking right at me. And I was just like, oh shit. Is this the guy now going to jump up and take out on me, whatever made him fucking be laying there in the L position on the fucking sidewalk? But anyway, yeah, I just was, I don't know, just walking around. I had a couple of, you know, it's a lot of homeless people out here in LA now because of, you know, the COVID shit, the never ending war.

We got veterans out there and then we got like, you know, what is it, 1% of people own like fucking some ridiculous percentage of the wealth. I actually ran through a real estate agent out here last night, the son of a friend of mine. And I was asking him where all this money is coming from. That people are like, it's like you watch the news and they talk about what a difficult time the average person has been having during all of this bullshit. And then you go on Zillow and this is what you do on Zillow and Zillow for the first fucking two houses, you look at something you can afford. And then you just go, let's see what the fuck no limit looks like. So I was looking at that shit and like all of these fucking houses, they're like out here, this house is like 25, 30, 40, 50, 80 million. And they all say like sold on.

Well, they stay on the market very quickly. It's like, where the fuck did that money come from? And he was like, I don't know, man. I don't fucking know. Oh, I want to post a video, by the way, because for the longest time, you know, I've been telling this story of how I saw David Lee Roth on the Edam and Smile tour. With Billy Sheenan on bass, Steve Vai on guitar and Greg Bissonette on drums. I saw him in 1986 and it was a big, big, big fucking deal. It was a big deal for fans and it was a big deal for that band because David had gone his separate ways from Van Halen.

And Van Halen was basically a super group that came together naturally. It was just everybody was fucking amazing. Eddie and Alex Van Halen, David Lee Roth, the greatest fucking frontman, arguably in rock history. And then Michael Anthony, who's like background vocals was such a huge part of the sound of that band. So David goes the second way. Van Halen gets Sammy Hagar. So they're gear. So now you got these two camps of unbelievable musicians that are now going to compete with each other and fans are going to go out and go see both bands and then say who's better.

So I think they were already like, you should make it. They should make like a fucking movie about it. So anyway, David Lee Roth coming out and his, his, his lead guitarist up until this moment in his career was, you know, up there with Hendricks. Jimmy Hendricks as far as like when Jimmy came along, it was like this. Nobody ever heard anybody play like that. They had come from like it was like from another planet and Eddie Van Halen was the same way. Just completely changed how people had heard the instrument approached it. It was like, what the fuck is this guy doing?

And then how does he do it? And everybody tried to figure it out. And then there was an entire generation of people trying to do their version of what Eddie did or what Jimmy did and not never coming close. That you're either that guy or you're not. So David Lee Roth comes out and his lead guitarist is a guy who came up with Zappa. So, you know, he's a beast, Steve Vai, Billy Sheen and one of the sickest bass players who could actually go like lick for lick with Steve Vai on bass. And then Greg Bissonette, who I believe was a jazz guy. I remember reading way back in the day in Modern Drummer, you know, him talking about going to see big bands when he was into rock.

And his dad or something took him to go see this show. And he was just like, all right, it's a fucking big band. This is old people music. And he said when the band started playing, you know, what is a big band? It's four trombones, four saxophones, four trumpets. That's the drummer, upright bass, piano player, maybe guitar player, something like that. So that's 16 horns. And he said when they came out and they started playing, he said he almost fell out of his chair.

And then he went down like that jazz. I don't know if he went to Berkeley or whatever, but just a monster player. So anyway, I went to go see this band in 1986 at the Providence Civic Center. It might have been the Worcester Center, but I think most of the shows I saw was the Providence Civic Center. Right down 95 past the Attleboro Woon socket. And they absolutely fucking destroyed. And I remember people at the show being like, Billy Sheet is like, he's a way better player than Michael Anthony. And Alex fan, Greg Benson, he's fucking good as Alex.

People are talking about like during the show, like comparing him. It was fucking crazy, right? So anyways, what has driven me crazy over the years as a comedian was David Lee Roth, ever the showman. Came up with this fucking bit. He told this story about some kid practicing a drum and the neighbors getting upset by it. And the bit had him and Greg Bissonette. And it was a little like when those steel drums like the Jamaican drummers play, right? And David would tell this whole fucking story about this kid and the neighbors yelling.

And then he said, but every day the kid came out, he just kept practicing and he would just say, and then he played like, you know, this whole little run on the steel drum. And all I remember was the punchline was in the end when the kid couldn't take it anymore. He just goes, David Lee Roth just goes, hey, fuck you, man. And the whole place went nuts. Went fucking nuts. And so this was what third is a show I saw about 35 fucking years ago. So lo and behold, last night, believe it or not, Greg came out to the show.

I knew he was coming down and he came backstage and I told him about that bit. He goes, I can't fucking believe you remember that joke? He goes, yeah, it was a story about a kid named Raymond. He told me the whole fucking story and then he was nice enough to send me the clip. So I'm going to post it on the Monday morning podcast, Twitter, whatever the fucking account is. I don't even know. I'm going to post that. I just want to thank Greg for coming out to the show being so fucking down to earth and cool

and like telling me like the whole story of how we eat. I mean, he's like a true musician because he was telling me about the steel drum. He goes, you go one way, it goes up in fifths and the other way it goes in fourths. And I'm sitting like, all right, this is like, I mean, you know what that means. So anyway, it really fucking blew my mind to meet him because I was thinking about the like eight. I was 18 years old when I saw him perform. And if you ever told me back then that someday I'd have the balls to do standup comedy and Greg Bisson at the drummer from this comedy bit that I loved and was desperately trying to

remember would come out to my show and say, I was funny. And that's like the fucking greatest thing ever. So and a great dad too, because he brought his son out. I could just tell, you can tell, you know, when kids get past a certain age and they can fucking hang out with their parents and they're cool. Like I really look at that a lot now. And I was looking at that going like, man, I gotta, I really hope I have that kind of relationship when my kids are like in their twenties and shit.

I mean, that's right there. That's when you know you did it. When you're still going to a fucking ballgame or something like that with your kids when they're in their twenties and you're laughing, you're having a good time and it's relaxed. They're talking, you're listening, you know, when you're talking, they're less listening. It's regular. I got to do that. I got to hit the reset button on my family tree.

I'm not really almost like my generation, how fucking nuts we were. So anyway, other than that, I've been fucking, I don't know if I'm ever going to get this instrument rating every time I think I climbed the last mountain of information that I need, but it's made me such a better pilot and I've been flying these approaches to it. It's fucking wild. It's fucking wild. Imagine flying and you're not looking out the window anymore because you're simulating, you know, flying in the clouds.

So you wear like these foggles and you tape them up and everything like that. I haven't gotten to that point yet. I just sort of looked down and I'm just staring at the gauges so I can almost see the land a little bit. So I am cheating a little bit, but still it freaks you out at first because you're like, what the fuck? I mean, I am supposed to be looking for traffic and all of that shit, but obviously I got my foot with me, but you're looking at your six pack of gauges and then a number of other

things. On mine, I have a glass cockpit, so there's a little bar that moves back and forth that keeps you like, lets you know if you're in or out of trim. You got to look at that every once in a while. And anyway, you do these approaches and you either have like a GPS approach, which is a satellite or you're using like ground navigation, nav aids or whatever like that. And some of them are precision and some of them are non precision. When you have to do a precision one, which is the coolest one, you have lateral and vertical

guidance and you're trying to keep the cross basically. You're trying to keep it all like your descent rate and everything where you're not below the glide slope or above it. And then you're also like laterally trying not to be, you know, have full deflection of the localizer. I know I'm using a lot of fucking terms here, but this is the shit that a dummy like me is trying to learn. So we were shooting approaches the other day and the coolest feeling ever is once you hit

like, you know, your, the missed approach point or the decision altitude, you look up and you just fucking lined right up with the runway. It's like right there. When I say right there on a precision approach, if you did it right, you are literally lined up the center of the fucking runway, not even off to the left or the right. You could, you mean you couldn't do it that well if you were looking on a clear day. And the fact that somebody figured all of this shit out and built this technology is, is insane.

It's just mind blowing. And what I love now is I can get on with approach, which to me was always the big boy radio when you just sort of flying VFR, which is just visual. You just sort of like, you know, you're talking to local airports and you're talking to like sort of a common traffic channel if you're in between air spaces of airports. But when you get on with approach, then you're talking to these people who are nowhere near you that are looking at some big board and they're following you and guiding you in. And there's these points that you're flying to in the sky that are called fixes and they

bring you down like a staircase right into the runway down safely and you get to a level where, you know, on a non-precision, I'm saying this so I know for the test, at the missed approach point, you're allowed to fly that altitude for a little while until you see the runway or you do a missed approach on a precision approach at the decision altitude. If you can't see any runway markers or the lights or anything like that, you immediately do the missed approach, which is on your instrument approach plate. See this shit? This is why it's taken me so fucking long with two kids trying to learn how to do all of this stuff.

So I've been doing that and then yesterday I flew, there was actual instrument conditions down around Long Beach, so we decided to just go up to the hills, even though it was like hot out and we had about three quarters of a tank of fuel and we went up there and we tried to land and I should have anticipated it, but I wasn't able to hold a hover, which is basically the weight of your ship versus the density of the air because you can be at like 3,000 feet and on a hot day the density altitude is actually like 5,000 feet. So your aircraft is performing at the level of if you were 2,000 feet higher. So you really have to, as you come in, be looking for the low RPM light and all of that type of stuff.

And it was fucking unsettling, but like I learned so much flying that stuff. So I don't know, that's what the fuck I've been up to as I've been walking these fucking trails and streets out here in LA trying to walk myself down to where my show shirts fit me. I'll tell you something, but I'm only fucking, I'm bringing one shirt to Vegas for a two show night, for a two show weekend, two night weekend, three shows because it's the only one that fits me and looks all right. The other ones I can't fucking wear, it's ridiculous, like last night I wore a fucking zip up in July or June fucking sweat my ass off on stage.

I finally had to say like, listen, I'm just out of shape. I don't want you guys looking at it. And you know, people like, dude, you look fine. You look fine. I don't. Okay. I look fine with a shirt on. I know what I look like without a shirt on.

I don't want to look like what I look like without a shirt on with a shirt on. Okay. And then the next step is looking like what I look like without a shirt on with a fucking jacket on. And then you're done. And that's how you become a tub of fuck. And I don't want to. All right.

So you got to hold yourself to a fucking standard. If you don't, nobody else is going to, and there's too much delicious shit out there. And it's so fucking easy to put on weight. It's ridiculous. If I want to lose 15 pounds the right way, that's going to take anywhere from five to fucking eight weeks. And you can put on 15 pounds in eight days. You could do it.

You could go on, well, 15 is a little bit much, but you could put easily put on seven to eight pounds on vacation, booze and order appetizers. I'll die when I get back. There's just no fucking exercise that can outdo eating. It's unfucking believable. It's actually one of the few things that makes me believe in a higher power. Actually, maybe believe in a higher power, but I don't believe in one that cares. It definitely doesn't care because I even just look at the food chain.

If you just look at it at a bear, that something created a bear that with all of its size cannot kill its prey efficiently. You know what I mean? It has to maul them to death and begin eating them before they're dead. It's like, why can't it be like the cats? The tigers, the lions, the cheetahs. They just fucking come except for a house cat. Those cunts play with their food.

Torturous bastards. You know what the cats, house cats are? It's like little man disease. Those fucking short guys with the Napoleon complex. I feel like house cats have that same fucking vibe. So they can't just kill a mouse. They got to show off and fucking play with the goddamn thing. Anyway, but there's nothing better than a cool cat.

So I probably come down too hard on it. But anyway, the fact that just sort of that law of doing the right thing is always harder and the feeling is always better versus doing the bad thing is always easier. And then the feeling afterwards, if you're actually, you know, not a sociopath is a horrible feeling. Jesus Christ, how happy are sociopaths? They do the wrong thing and then they don't feel any guilt afterwards. They don't feel any elation either, but I mean, I don't know. All right, whatever.

This is what happens when you fucking talk to yourself. Okay, this has been the podcast, everybody. You know, if you're a fucking tub of shit like me too, do this with me. Try to lose two to three pounds a week. Just keep going on your walks. I'm stopping eating like around five, six o'clock at night. I'm already used to doing that. Then I just crush waters for the rest of the fucking night.

And yeah, and I'm just going to be right around football season. Babe, babe, pick a goal and do it with me. I'm going for Marvin Hagler 5 10 159. And here's the thing. When I get down to like 168, my only opponent at that point is going to be my wife. She's going to be getting too skinny. You got body dysmorphia. You're just fucking eat something.

And it'll be like one of those fucking army movie actors playing one of those crazy guys. Not this time. This time we win. This time. I see it through. All right. Sorry to creep you out. All right, everybody.

It's babble for for most of us. Oh, I'm sorry. It's babble for most of us. I'm an idiot for most of us. You can laugh at me. For most of us learning a second language is in high school or college wasn't exactly a high point in our academic careers. Now, thanks to babble or as I call it babble for babble, B A B B E L.

The number one selling language learning app. There's an addict. Addictively fun and easy way to learn a new language. Whether you'll be traveling abroad over there or you just have some free time. Babble teaches bite sized language lessons that you can actually use in the real world. Babble's 15 minute lessons make it the perfect way to learn a new language on the go. Babble designs their courses with practical real world conversations in mind. Things you get to use in everyday life.

Other languages. Sorry, other language learning apps use AI for their lesson plans. But babble lessons were created by 100 language experts. Their teaching method has been scientifically proven to be effective with babble. You can choose from 14 different languages, including Spanish, French, Italian and German. Plus babble's speech recognition technology helps you to improve your pronunciation and accent. Start your new language learning journey today with babble right now. When you purchase a three month babble subscription, you'll get an additional three months for free.

That's just six months for the price of three. Just go to babble.com, B A B B E L. And use copy points promo code burr, B U R R. That's babble, B A B B E L. Code burr for an extra three months free babble language for life. Okay, listen. Enjoy the music after this rambling and then there's going to be a bonus Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a couple years ago.

However, Andrew, the Greek freak as Paul Verzi calls him, Females, picks out the episodes. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend and tone into the Stanley Cup final. I think it's going to be a good series despite how lopsided the first game was. It's going to be in 22 minutes of my time. Oh, glory, glory, hallelujah. Oh, glory, glory, hallelujah. Oh, glory, glory, hallelujah.

Oh, glory, glory, hallelujah. It is true, it is true. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, July 1st, 2013. Oh my God, is it July already? I feel like the summer is going by and I haven't even put on a strapless yet. Oh, have another fucking, have another vodka and fucking something stupid drink. All right, now why are all the wires tangled up?

Christ, this is no way to start a podcast. What's going on? Ah, Jesus fucking Christ. Isn't this amazing just how fucking tangled up some shit can get? How does snakes do it? It's going around. They're basically like a fucking mic wire, aren't they? They could kill you.

Some of them. Sorry, just gotta do this fucking. Is this any way to start a podcast? Is it putting a fucking windscreen back on it? I use a windscreen inside. All right, so if you're new to my podcast, that's the level of intelligence that you're going to be dealing with. Do you think as a snake, right? If you're not poisonous, that's got to be like sucking at sports, you know, for a human being.

And you go into gym class. What exactly do you do if you're a non-poisonous snake? I mean, you can't fucking grab anybody because you ain't got no arms. What do you do? How does a gardener's, gardener's snake or is it a gardener? Oh, Jesus. How the fuck does a non-poisonous snake eat? It just has to eat shit alive.

Just, you know, shit that isn't tougher than it. And it's just got to lash out at it. Is the fucking thing squirming around? God, what a life. You know, and I tell you, you got to commend the gardener or gardener or gardener, James Garner snake. You have to commend them for their attitudes. Like you meet them, they're not really bad people. You know what I think I'm going to do?

I think I'm going to write a thank you letter. And I'm going to put it in the fucking gardener's snake, gardener's snake, whatever the fuck it is. Newspaper. And just thank them, you know. Just try and shine a little light on the snake and then I'm going to sign it myself. Dude, I really have to fucking address this right out of the gate. I used to like the Blackhawks organization. I sat there through six fucking games watching that phenomenal team basically kick the Bruins ass.

I mean, they beat us in six games. And I know they weren't blowout games, but still, you know, they just were better than us. And here I am coming to the acceptance that we were two games short. That we were two games to one up. You know, three games in all we got to do is split the next two and we win it and we fucking we never win another game. Lost three games in a row. That's fucking tough. And then that ends NBA's over.

And now I have to somehow come out of the high paced level of NHL hockey and excitement in the NBA finals to like the dog days of summer baseball. High and inside ball too. Dandy day for a ball game. You're in town. Come down this Saturday. This Saturday is a hat with the propeller on it day. First 40 douchebags that show up get one of these. I don't know why you'd want one, but they're free. So you know, people are going to come anytime it's free.

All the fatties show up. So I'm sitting here trying, you know, all right, but it's a great thing. You know, we're competitive. We've got a great team. We've got a great base that we can build on. Who knows maybe next year, right? So I'm starting the healing process of it. And what are these constu?

The Chicago blackouts, they take out a full page ad in like the fucking Boston Globe. And this is the best part. Rather than just saying, Oh, by the way, in case you forgot, we kicked your ass in the Stanley Cup finals. These fucking cunts have the nerve to write a thank you letter to the Boston Bruins organization. And to all there, this is the greatest thing ever. Classy fans. It was one of the biggest douchebag douche chill inducing events in sports. I don't know when, since maybe LeBron James, the decision.

Can you fucking believe that? First of all, first of all, let's just act like this was sincere. And this was not grandstanding by the Chicago blackcocks organization to just shine a light on them. I'm going to be like, gee, aren't those guys classy? Isn't that swell? Because that's basically all that letter achieved. Okay, I don't want to speak for the entire Bruins fan base, but we don't need a fucking pat on the head telling us we're classy. But you fucking brought eating cunts out there with your Freddie Mercury mustaches.

The fuck do you think we need that for? It's a seven game series. It only went six. You were the better team. Our team shook hands with your team. It was it. Classy thing. Do you fucking believe the balls on those fucking black cock cunts?

Can you believe? First of all, I want you to find an article out there because I know all the black cock fans were like, it was a classy move. They were saying thanks to the Bruins. They didn't have to do that. Let me ask you fat open heart surgery cunts out there. Huh? Every nine out of 10 people out in Chicago have that zipper scar right up the middle of their fat fucking torsos. All right.

And I was nice to them. The whole fucking playoffs playoffs. All right, dude, I want you to find one fucking article out there about the black Hawks thanking the Bruins. That actually has the writer then talking about like, wow, what a great organization the Bruins are. Man, their fans are so classy. The black Hawks actually had to address it a week after the series was over. What is it about the Bruins organization that makes them so classy? Marv?

Well, I got to tell you ever since the days of Eddie shore, I want you to find one of those articles. Because I'll tell you, there's not one. All that letter of apology did was facilitate more fucking praise for the black Hawks. Like, well, you can't believe these guys. I mean, they, they, they, they, they, they win the Stanley Cup. And then they just, they, they have the attestable for it. So a lot of that fucking horseshit just heaping more fucking praise on them. It was actually, it was a brilliant move by them.

You know what I mean? You know what it looked like? Like they look like they were drunk texting. Like they won the Stanley Cup and they had so much booze. They get to that point right before you pass out where you're just thinking of all the great people in your life and you want to start crying. So you start calling people up, call your buddy up who doesn't have a drinking problem like two in the morning. He's freaking out that is fucking something happened to his mom. You know, she fall down again, picks up something.

Huh? Huh? Hey, man, it's me, Mark. I just want to tell you, you know, look, I'm drunk. I know I'm drunk, but I just want to thank you, you know, for being my friend, man. That's what the fuck they did. So that letter of apology is a fucking embarrassment to hockey. And if this starts a trend where every year I swear to God next year, somebody's going to win and they're going to be like, well, now we have to write a letter of thanks.

Can you fuck it? They wrote a letter of thanks telling how classy Bruins fans are. Can you just take that in for a second? I'm going to wait five minutes of silence to wait for Montreal Canadian fans to stop fucking rolling on the ground laughing. Okay, you're back. You blue blockade douches up there, right? I've been watching the Bruins since the early 80s. I'm going on 30 years of being a fan.

Never has anyone ever even remotely suggested that Bruins fans are classy. We're a bunch of fucking animals. Now I left. I left Massachusetts in 1995. Okay, so there is a disconnect to me with that city. But do you remember last year when the Bruins got knocked out of the playoffs playoffs, we lost in overtime. And that dude Ward, forget his first name, scored for the Washington capitals. And unfortunately, the dude was African American and he beat the Bruins.

And literally like an eighth of our fan base went on Twitter and started dropping the N word like it was 1938. You know, I don't know why I picked 1938. You know what I mean? Somehow within a fucking year, we are so goddamn classy that the Chicago Blackhawks have to take time off from drinking out of that cup that you know fucking Chara took a shit in it. Right? I hope he did. They had to take time out to see how classy we are. Now either the Chicago Blackhawks are the biggest bunch of fucking morons ever, which there's no way they are because they won it three years ago completely dismantled their team and was we're able to build it back up again like the fucking mallets.

Right? Or the Chicago Blackhawks in the city of Chicago is so fucking racist that even that absolute public relations debacle of last fucking year that absolute embarrassment that made me feel shameful that I was from that fucking city. It's so pale, so in comparison to the unbelievable fucking level of racism in Chicago that they didn't even notice it. You know, I bet this is how racist Chicago is. I bet last year when they saw some Bruins fans reaction towards scoring that goal that they are so fucking racist that that actually warmed their heart a little bit and they probably already penned the first draft of that thank you fucking letter. I don't know if you've ever been to Chicago, but it is brutally fucking racist, you know, as is Boston, but we somehow we get all the fucking attention about it like the racism is in the south and it's in Boston. You know, like they don't go to Pittsburgh where the other side of the tracks is literally the other side of railroad tracks, literally walk across railroad tracks and instantly you're the only white person on that side of the tracks. Anyways, that was, you know, I still like the Blackhawks, but if you think I fell for that on any fucking level that letter of apology.

Do you remember earlier this year where Jerome McGillna had the choice of maybe going to the Boston Bruins or maybe going to the Pittsburgh Penguins? You know, and it was a close decision and he decided to go to Pittsburgh. Wouldn't you think that maybe that horrific reaction that Bruins some some Bruins fans to be fair had after losing last year maybe tip the scale because you got two great teams, you know. I know a lot of people. Well, I guess Pittsburgh's fucking racist too, but they never they never get they never get it. They don't get any press on it. You know, all they talk about there is a huge hard work in steel town that there's no steel mills anymore and anybody who had balls and made steel and built the bridges is at least in their 80s at this point. So it's a bunch of button pushing computer cunts downtown at this point, but they still wear hard hats to the game. I'm sorry people like that that that fucking look the end of the day all that letter of apology did was just heat more praise on the Blackhawks. It was the Ron Burgundy moment. I look good.

I mean really good. Hey, everyone. Come and see how good I look. That's what they did. So let me tell you something. Chicago Blackhawks organization and your entire fan base, you can take your fucking thank you your whatever the fuck that was that letter you wrote from summer camp. You can fucking crumble it up. How did how did the Rock used to do that and shove it straight up your candy ass.

Please don't ever do that again. Other if any other organizations are listening to this, please don't do that that that fucking just please don't do it. It was such a great finals to original six teams. One of my favorite moments of the playoffs was when that whatever that that that cunt that I respect that passed on. Chicago was holding up. He's holding up the fucking Stanley Cup and he's still bleeding from the series. Even in boxing, they stopped the fucking blood. You know, they got some guy there pressing down on it with that fucking that compress thing.

He's got his gloves and shit and it's just talking. He's fucking bleeding and like it doesn't even, you know, wait, I guess UFC UFC, they could be bleeding pretty bad. I'm just one look, you have to go to literally sports where they're beating the shit out of each other. And by the way, to all you fucking non hockey fans who still think it's the slap shot era, there was not one fight the entire series was phenomenal for all you fucking pansies out there. You know, sitting in your Afghans while wearing aprons who wait for Olympic hockey and then lie to true hockey fans going, you know, this is the way hockey was, you know, I would watch it. No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't because that is the way it is. You fucking idiot.

Those are all NHL players in the fucking game, you asshole. Oh, I am on a tear this week. So there you go. Fuck you, Chicago. Congratulations. Congrats. What do you do? Hey, why don't we have a donation thing here?

Everybody fucking donates money to the Monday morning podcast and I'm going to put I'm going to buy out some ad space in the Chicago tribute and write a thank you letter for the thank you letter. So I can see somehow what a classy podcast. I know he says cunt every other word. I know he can't read out loud. But this is just indicative of the fucking losers. Oh, douche chills. I got halfway through the letter and I had to stop reading. I had to just stop.

It was like, it was like, it was like eating lemons. And there's no fucking way. How do you not know how cunty a fucking move that is? It's actually hilarious. If that's how they meant it to just, hey, you know what, I bet they're just starting to get over losing in the finals. Let's fucking remind them. You know what it's like? It's like when you break up with some chick, right?

And it's like they women have that sixth sense when they can tell you start to have good days and you get in past them. So they fucking call you up and just mind fuck you all over again. All right, I'm done. I still can't hate the Blackhawks because I fucking I've always liked that team and I've always loved that uniform. But Jesus, that is a fucking. I don't know what to tell you. They already traded Dave Bowling. Can you believe that?

These fucking guys getting draft picks. You're going to trade a fucking guy. You're going to trade a guy with ice water and his veins at the most crucial moment in the season. He's just such a fucking great player. I think I think the Maple Leafs got a fucking steal and I think they learned something with that that. Oh, wait a minute. Now they've always been doing. They got Phil Kessel and they gave us a bunch of draft picks, but we drafted well.

All right, just wait, strike all of that. But I think I think the Maple Leafs got a lot better and the Blackhawks got a lot worse. I am not a big fan of draft picks like, Hey, let's take this proven guy. Dude, Dave Bowling. He's one of those guys. He's one of those guys. Those are the guys that when you're the fucking cup, you know, everybody always looks at the stars and all. It's those fucking, those fucking guys like him.

We just come in and fucking knock your stick off the puck. And all of a sudden he's got the puck right over the slot and then the big fucking shiny Superstar scores. Those fucking guys in the corner. I'm telling you, I wish the Bruins got him. You know, I'm going to write a letter of thank you to the Chicago Blackhawks for getting rid of one of their best players. Blackhawks. Thanks, Bruins. City of Boston in open letter.

Okay. So basically this article, this is in a Toronto. They say the Chicago Blackhawks penned a full page open. Thank you letter to the Boston Bruins in the city of Boston Friday, just four days after beating the Bruins to win the Stanley Cup. It's signed by, you know, they have like guys. They basically quote the entire thank you. And then the last paragraph, it's got to be about the Bruins, right? It's got to be because they're so fucking classy, right?

No, it goes, it was a classy way for the Hawks to wrap up a season that culminated with their second cup in four years. Chicago won the best series, the best of seven series, four to two after gutting out a three to come back from behind winning game six Monday in Boston. See what I'm saying? Nothing worse. There was nothing about the Bruins and had all to do with Chicago. You fucking, that was like a chick move. I got to give you that was definitely that makes it even worse. We lost to a bunch of broads.

Oh my God. Dude, that was right up there. That thank you. I'm going to keep going on this thing. That fucking thank you letter was right up there with Sally Field going, you like me. You really like me. You know those moments where you're like, oh God, you know, that big drunk woman who married the fucking old guy. Do you like my body?

Oh, I'm getting uncomfortable just thinking about it. Gross, fucking gross Chicago. That letter was fucking gross. And if this was the intention to make me feel this way, then hats off to you. I'll buy you fucking a round of drinks, the whole fucking city. I'll buy you fucking round of drinks. If this is what you wanted to achieve, that that letter was worse than losing the fucking series. That's how bad it was.

Oh, all right. Did I get it all out of me? I don't know. I don't know. What the fuck do we go from here? Ah, let's just dive right into it. So I've been keeping up on this Snowden thing, trying to see where this guy's going to land. I'm rooting for him.

I don't know about you guys. And I'm sick of people talking about him like he's a fucking rat. I think the guy, I think he's a hero. You know, there should be more whistleblowers. This is just an unbelievable fucking amount of power to give anybody. They got a great article. The whole who's watching the watchers. You know what I mean?

Dude, this is like what this guy was working on, that I've basically glanced over in articles because once I get intimidated by how long shit is, I have to stop reading. What this guy is fucking working on, you have to understand that like that's a game set and match. They don't even have to whack people anymore. They don't. If they just have every fucking thing you ever did and ever said on the phone text, it's fucking over. It's fucking over. Look at me.

What, what office could I run for? Let's just say I didn't do a podcast, but you guys know my sense of humor. All right. How arrogant was that? You guys know me. I'm a fucking loose cannon. What a douchebag. Anyways, I'm rooting for this fucking guy.

Right now he's looking to land, I believe in Ecuador, which is really hard when even everybody down to my level knows where the fuck he's trying to go. I think this kid's heart was in the right place and I think he saw what he was building. He saw it for what it was as much as it could stop terrorism. It also gave a bunch of fucking potential sociopaths and ability to build up or absolutely fucking destroy anybody that they wanted to. And you know, that's just a, it's too much power. If you look around the world, the amount of places right now where people are protesting because they are absolutely sick of the people in power and how they're running things. You know, can you imagine being in that situation? Like just having a fucking dictator and the guys, you know, kidnapping and raping and just gassing your own fucking people.

Just imagine being in that fucking situation. Like that's, you know, when your life starts, that's what's going on in your country and you got to spend your whole fucking life trying to topple that. And now you're going to have something in place like this where I mean, you know, everybody's got to try to like start an entire revolution by talking, you know, sitting there with their hands over their mouth like Joe Pesci and De Niro and Casino. You know, I think that Arab Spring, they saw it for what it was. It's like, Jesus Christ, these fucking guys, these guys, look out, look at what can happen with these social networks now. I saw a thing over in Bahrain or something. These people go to prison for criticizing the king. First of all, you shouldn't have a fucking king this day and age.

You know, a king, how fucking old are you? Grow up, get a fucking job, right? So people tweet, hey, I think the king's a bit of a cunt and they go to jail for a year. I might be paranoid, but I think this is the road we're going down. You know, Jesus, Bill, you're in way over your head. I know I am, but it's fun. That's what this section is every, every fucking week. Now, when I, when I do world, when I do world politics, not discuss them, not read about them when I do them.

No, seriously, I'm rooting for that guy, you know, and I'm a paranoid fucking psychopath. So take it for what it is. You know, I see how the average douchebag, you just, he goes from nobody to being a bouncer in a club. Nine out of 10 people, human beings can't even handle that level of power and they become a dick, you know? The next thing you know, they're trying to finagle fucking blowjobs out of girls dressed like whores for whatever particular reason, just so they can get in this club and go in there and damage their hearing and possibly get herpes, right? Isn't that the club scene, man? All right.

Two advertisers this week. Everybody settle in. Two advertisers that are going to change your life and how you feel about it. E voice, everyone. All right. Look, having your own receptionist would be great. Hell, it even be phenomenal, but paying their salary is really expensive. That's why hundreds of thousands, if this goes into sweatshop labor, I'm quitting this podcast.

That's why hundreds of thousands of entrepreneurs are now using E voice to enhance their image, work faster and make more money. Oh, good. It had a happy ending. Here we go. You can try E voice right now for free. When you go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the banner with an E voice account as your virtual assistant. You can get your, uh, your own local or toll free number and dial by name directory. All your calls will be professionally answered and routed wherever you want.

E voice starts at just 10 bucks a month, 10 bucks a month. E voice even transcribes your voicemail messages and emails, emails, emails them to you instantly. Just like with the real receptionist, but without the high cost. You can operate like a top executive, but stay lean like a startup and blow away your competition. E voice is even mentioned as a key to for today's businesses in both ink magazine and Forbes. All right. I think she do this everybody. I believe in E voice and I want you to try it for free right now for 30 days for your free trial of E voice.

Go to E voice on.com promo code bill. That's E voice.com promo code bill or just go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click the E voice banner right now. All right. Please do that. Please do that for me. Uh, and when you're done doing that, um, you're probably thinking like, you know, I really enjoy watching TV. I wish there was a more efficient way to do it. Well, old Billy Redface has the way Hulu plus everyone.

You've tried screaming hit shows on your PC on hulu.com. Now it's time to start your free trial of exclusive content in your living room and on your mobile devices on Hulu plus with Hulu plus. Total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whatever you want. Use Hulu plus on connected TVs, game souls, Blu-ray players, Roku, Apple TV, PC or watch from anywhere on your smartphone or tablet on demand at all times. And with Hulu plus, you can binge on full seasons. Watch your favorite current shows and even full series runs of classic TV shows. It's endless. You've got community, modern family, South Park, SNL, Jimmy Kimmel, family guy and more.

Hulu plus is only 799 per month. But right now they're offering an extended free trial of Hulu plus that is only available to my podcast listeners. Take control of your TV watching experience. How do you do it? You go to the podcast page at bill bird.com. You click on the Hulu plus banner for your extended free trial or go to the Hulu plus.com slash bill. Again, click the Hulu plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com or just simply go to Hulu plus.com slash bill. Alrighty, that's the advertising for this week everybody.

When do we go from here? Oh man, I had a fucking, had a bad day yesterday. I've been trying to drop weight. You know, I got all the way up to a buck 85. So now I'm back into the 170s because that's how I do it. You know, I don't know about you guys, but there's no goal in my life that includes me wanting to be a fucking lard ass. I just don't want to do it. You know, be that guy bending over to tie his shoes like, yeah, fucking head turned and all red.

You know, I don't want to do that. I'm gonna be that guy rolling over on my woman. Right. She can't even breathe. She's got to get on top of me. I still want to fucking do that. You know, pushing my gut up towards my face so she could find my dick. I don't want to be that guy. This is like a testimonial.

So I've been eating pretty much as good as I can as far as like knowing what's bad for me and sort of knowing something about what's good about food for me. You know, trying to eat the right foods. Just just just just bear with me people. All right, I'm not a smart man. Okay, half the reason why I do this podcast gives a fuck. I do this podcast to promote me and all my stand up gigs. But one of the unintentional upsides to this podcast is it really has to make you feel better about yourselves. Certainly you're reading out loud skills.

Did you hear the particular moment where I started mind fucking myself during the E voice read? But did you notice how I went Dave Bowling? And I fucking collected myself and then I delivered during Hulu Plus. Did you notice that? Anyways, what the hell am I talking about? So I've been trying to work out here. Been going on hikes and each day I go in a little bit longer of a hike and these are the real hot months and I wasn't even thinking. And I brought my dog out and went on this long hike.

And you know, I brought her water and all that type of stuff, but I didn't know a dog could get a sunburn. I know, I know, I just made a great podcast. Now you're all going, oh, she's fine. But the top of her nose, she has little flakes on it. I feel fucking horrible, horrible. And then I think she was walking on the dirt for too long and it was hot like she was walking real gingerly last night. So she had a flaky nose and she had a little tender paws. Do you know what it's like to see a jacked pit bull going?

Is it's walking down the fucking street and not complaining, still wagging its tail? I feel fucking horrible. So this morning, I literally carry my dog like a baby out to the grass. And I let it do its thing and I carry it fucking back. And one of my neighbors like, oh, what happened to your dog? And I'm like, oh, you know, I couldn't be like, I'm a terrible person. That's what happened because of my own vanity. You know, because I don't want to have a head the size of a mini keg.

I took my dog on too long of a fucking walk. You know, I'll tell you what's great about a fucking dog is right now if I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk, like her head would pop up. She'd absolutely freak out and she'd tough it out again because that's the level of loyalty that a dog has. The kind of loyalty that a cat would never have. You know, Jesus, you're going to do dog and cat material? What is it, the 80s? Why don't you go upstairs and go put on a blazer? Pull up your fucking sleeves to the elbow.

Get some hair extensions so you can actually grow a fucking mullet and compare the two. Yeah, so I feel fucking horrible, but I haven't losing weight, everybody. My goal. I want to get down to about a buck 68, but I want to be fucking shredded. Just one more time. I want to do it all. Do it to me one more time. Give me fucking ass before I go completely bald.

Oh, I want chicks to look at me and like my freckled stomach. Just one more fucking time. I haven't had abs since the early 90s. Sorry. You know, sometimes when I'm in a fucking silly mood, I like to come out on stage to that song. The Captain and Tennille, like the second show on a Saturday night, do that to me one more time. It just puts everybody in a silly, goofy mood. I start dancing around like an idiot.

Girls put their head on somebody's shoulder. You know, girls do that shit when they just see somebody enjoying life and they just go, I want to enjoy life too. They just put their head on their shoulder. All right. Put your head on my shoulder. Wipe your makeup off on my shirt. Boo-doo-doo-doo.

It will never come out. You selfish lady. Lady. All right, let's get to some sort of... Oh, this is kind of weird, you know, because I'm trying to learn all the capitals. I can go from fucking Rickovic Iceland, however the fuck you pronounce it, all the way over to the Philippines at this point. It's great.

Now I kind of know where they are. I always get like Asia was... Middle East was rough. And you think about how many times we've gone over there and we bombed shit that I would kind of start to look at the other fucking... the other countries around there, but you just don't. You know? You know what it is?

It's wherever you live. That's what you know. Gee, Bill, that was really deep. You got any more fucking... Where do you live? I'm such a fucking moron. Why do you listen to this? Huh?

No, you know, wherever you are, you just sit there and you watch the weather. And they'll have, at least in the United States of America... America! White America! What the fuck who did that one? That's one of those songs I listened to like two seconds of it. Oh, by the way, is there a white Al Sharpton out there that I can call for being offended? I watched that Devious Maids last night because I was just...

I just got to see how they're going to get five years out of that absolutely horrific fucking premise. And if you can just see how they make the fucking... the white characters on that show, I swear to God... It's the fucking... You got to watch it. All right? Devious Maids. Right on your to watch list, you have to watch the white characters on that show.

It's fucking hilarious. They make them so cartoonishly evil. Like, what are the Maids? All the Maids are Latino. The whole fucking show really, if you look at stereotypes, is probably pretty fucking annoying. So all the Maids are Latino, right? They're working for these fucking rich white people. I think they had one Latino couple just to fucking level it off.

Just beyond evil white people. So this one of them is like a movie star and she needs to get a facial. And her Latino maid is... Can I say Latino one more time? Her fucking maid is crying. Because she's trying to get her kid up from like Honduras or wherever the fuck they're from. But their dad died. It's basically good times set in Central America, you know?

Damn, damn, damn! However you say, damn. It's Spanish. I don't know what the fuck it is. Anyways. So she's sitting there crying because she wants to get a kid up there. And the fucking white lady is listening. And you're seeing emotions on her face.

And you think, oh, finally, they're going to actually show that a white person can have a heart on this show. And then the person, she just goes like, yeah. So where's the father? And she's the father of the dead. And she's just like, oh. Okay, well, I can't give you time off to reach out to your kid because I have to get a facial. Oh, it's a fucking phenomenal show. Meow, everybody.

Me fucking meow. And I know that there's a bunch of morons watching the show, you know, from the Latin community going, see, that's how white people are. They don't take care of their kids. They're all rich and they're all getting faith. Not saying every Latino person, but I know a good certain percentage. You know what? I get white people deserve it then because we've been doing that forever, right? It's about time the stereotypes and the ignorance came back around to our neck of the woods. You know what? Good on you.

Good on you, horny housemaids of the fucking OC, whatever the fuck, it's called devious housemaids. They're devious, everybody. You, you fucking pay attention when they do that turn down service. You don't know what they're liable to do, those devious maids. Anyway, so let's go also anyways, I've been trying to keep up on, you know, learning the capitals and knowing where shit is. All these years to listen to fucking Bob Seeger singing about Cat Man Do. I didn't even know where it was. It's in Nepal, everybody.

Do you remember Bob Seeger? Speaking of fucking having that roast beef torso. You know, the buttons bursting on his fucking western shirt. It's why I'm going to Cat Man Do. I used to sing that in the warehouse. That's where I'm really going to. If I ever get out of here, I'm going to Cat Man Do. I always thought, I don't care, he's cold.

I always thought, I thought it was in like Mexico. It's in Nepal. I thought Nepal was the capital of fucking India. It isn't. Nepal's a fucking country. New Delhi is everybody. New Delhi. I always thought, you know, that'd be a great idea for a fucking sandwich place.

You get a bunch of guys from India from New Delhi come over here. They started Delhi. The American sandwich is better than Americans and they call it New Delhi. You get it? It's a New Delhi. But after a year, it'd be like, why is it still the New Delhi? Anyways, so I was looking up some shit and somehow I'm getting so into the geography. I'm starting to look up like islands in Guam.

And I remember, you know, a few weeks ago when I was talking about the Spanish-American that I thought took place in like fucking Texas, you know, and involved the Alamo. And then I discovered that it was fought over in the Philippines and I believe Guam. I can't even remember in Puerto Rico. Something fucking nuts like that. Something, I don't fucking remember. So I started looking up on Guam. Do you know that they actually had trials over there?

War crime trials for Japanese soldiers? Maybe not soldiers, the higher ups, just like Nuremberg. And people got put to death and hung, you know, not a lot of them, but they still did. And there was all kinds of fucking atrocities that happened over there. I had no idea. I think basically, for the most part, you can Google any country anywhere and just type in war crimes after it. You know, that's what blows my mind about all of that shit. And they've said it before, like what we did in Dresden and all that.

If we lost, like when we fire bombed that city, they were just like, you know, you realize if we lose that we're going to be sitting there waiting to get hung. You realize this shit. And then they just go, you know what, it's like a roulette wheel. They just push all that chips on red, fucking spin the wheel and drop the marble. You know, how do you sleep at night running a fucking war? You know, just knowing that if you lose, you're going to be sitting there with your head down, you know, with your fucking headphones on, listening to people talking about what a monster you are.

The same people who did basically what the fuck you did to a certain extent, except now they're considered heroes. And then you get, ah, it's the fucking worst, you know, and then those guys write a letter of thank you for being such a class actor in your fucking, during your trial. So anyways, there you go. So now you know, people, one capital I taught you this week, Kathmandu. There was some reason he spelled K-A-T-H-M-A-N-D-U, Kathmandu. It's why I'm going to Kathmandu. Let's get to the letters for this week, everybody.

And it's starting off, speaking of war crimes, speaking of death, speaking of things. Um, what do we got here? Cadaver Lab. That's a good name for a band that isn't that good. You know, meet some chick you want to fuck her and she can't because she's dating the lead singer of Cadaver Lab. And you're just sitting in your head, like going Cadaver Lab, like that's the name of the band. Let me guess, do they have a bunch of props on stage of people bleeding? Didn't Alice Cooper already do that 40 fucking years ago?

Can you just spread your legs and get some normal dick in you, sweetheart? You know? Okay. Local Heroes Cadaver Lab, signed to Electra Records. Uh, dear Billiam, I work at a medical device company in Southern Massachusetts, and I know you will be in the area for your shows. Oh, that's great. You just cross promoted my shows.

That's like a Jimmy Norton bit from way back in the day on Opian Anthony Show. On the Opian Anthony Show, the Opian Anthony program, if you want to get official. He goes, I see you're going to be in the area doing some shows and want to see if you're interested in coming into a Cadaver Lab. Knees, shoulders only, no faces or bodies. But what the fuck, dude? That's just like watching the movie trailer, but you don't get to see the movie. He said, I designed a screw to repair slash rebuild your ACL. I know you and Joe Rogan talked about it.

I thought I didn't talk about it. That's definitely some Rogan stuff right there. I'm too dumb to talk about shit like that. This podcast is the exact opposite of the Joe Rogan experience where Joe actually facts checks like shit. I can't even get through the sentence. I don't. I just sort of, you know, overhear things and then I just presented this fact. So anyways, I know you and Joe Rogan talked about it.

But if you would like to see a jackass like me try to repair one in a lab, please let me know. You don't have to touch anything or you can if you want, let me know. Thanks and go fuck yourself. You know what, dude? I think you've been working in a cadaver lab too long. That you feel that you can just openly invite me to this. I don't have to touch anything, but I can if I want. Like I just want to fucking squeeze somebody's dead knee that's not attached to anything.

Why in God's name would I want that on my hard drive? Why would I want to know what that feels like? To squeeze a rig of morti fucking knee. Sir, are you like a serial killer and you're looking for a partner? You know, like that fucking classic one that I watch where they, one of the greatest lines ever uttered on television. When they were talking about when the first serial killer met the second serial killer, because he went to a new town said move to some new town there.

He met it. He met a pyromaniac and sometimes transvestite or a transvestite and sometimes pyromaniac. That's how they describe this guy. He was a cross dressed and sometimes pyromaniac. And then they hooked up and they did a bunch of murders together. You know, I do find that fascinating and I know that your work is leading to a better good for people who are alive, but you know, there's things in comedy that I know you wouldn't want to see. So I wouldn't invite you backstage during particular fucking moments, you know,

and that's what you're basically doing. All right. Now, if you had the entire fucking body, that that's another thing. No, that's just, it's just disrespectful for me to go down there. Like I'm going to SeaWorld looking at body parts. So that's what happens. Like when somebody like donates their body to science, like they just take your fucking, yeah, we'll just take the knee.

Like, do you guys go to like the butcher? Yeah. Let me get a pork shoulder and somebody's kneecap. I feel like working on ACLs. Man, it gets a great thing that you do. That's just that. You know, it's funny. I have no problem getting cremated because even some fucked up reason you still feel it.

I mean, it's going to suck. For like 45 minutes or a couple of hours, however long it takes to burn you down to ash. You know, and it's awful and as horrific as that sounds. Being slowly burned for fucking two hours is over in two hours. Whereas if you fucking laying in a box completely intact, full of preservatives, you just slowly decomposing over a hundred fucking years. I don't want to do that. Get it over with.

But that does freak me out that you're going to sit there and, you know, have my fucking knee on one table, my shoulder on the other. You know, so drew breeze can fucking throw a better pass. That's just fucking weird. You know what? That was really weird. You invited me and I didn't accept. And then I was a dick and I trashed what the fuck you do.

Come on, dude. You got to understand. All right. I'm. Yeah. That's I can't do that. I priest. Thank you for the invitation.

They would just be weird. I'd show up with DVDs. There you go. An appreciation of you showing me this ankle. Married women. Hey, Bill. You know what? I'm doing is wrong.

Oh. Jesus. I'm a single guy who became friends with the married woman at work. Here we go. Devious maids. We have a ton of stupid shit in common. We even like the same flavor chips. I know it's retarded.

We became Facebook friends. How did you become Facebook friends? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. We became Facebook friends. How did you become Facebook friends?

But just be honest with me. You saw her. You wanted to fuck her and you knew she was married. You didn't give a shit. All right. I've been there. Here we go. We had like the same flavor chips.

We became Facebook friends and little by little, her messages starting getting sexual. Yeah. And I'm sure you didn't facilitate that on any. You weren't stoking those fucking flames. That whatever the expression goes, you weren't fucking blowing on the hot coals at all. Right. You were just sitting there talking about earth, wind and fire. And all of a sudden she's like speaking of fire, my pussy is raging right now for your

cock to be in it. You were like, whoa, hey, where did that come from? I was just talking old R and B music. It's at the point where she comes right out and told me she wants to fuck me. She's smoking hot with no kids and it's so fucking hard not to do something. It goes against all my beliefs, but I can't stop thinking about it. I have a feeling she wants out of her marriage, but I don't want to be a home wrecker. I've also have to see her at work.

So it's extra hard to tell her, just tell her to fuck off. I listen to you every Monday and you usually tell guys to whack it and see if the feeling goes away. Well, I already did that and it didn't work. I'm just an average attractive guy and want to fuck her. But like I said, I know it's wrong. Can you just come to Canada and shoot me in the fucking head? That's hilarious.

Oh, and he said from Scotland. No, so she's loving that accent. All right, dude, not only are you going to be a fucking married woman, it's where you work and the odds of that coming out. And once you start fucking somebody at work, as much as you try and keep it on the down low, everybody knows they can tell by your body language. Everybody at work already knows that you guys want to fuck each other. They already know that.

So when you do fuck, everybody's going to know that. And then in six months when you go to get a raise and you walk in there and it's either going to be a, you're sitting across the desk from some other guy that wanted to fuck her, but didn't in his jealous of you or B, it's a woman who's jealous of that hot bitch that you fucked and wants to be as skinny as her and is actually annoyed on some subconscious level that you didn't try to fuck her even though she wouldn't have fucked you. Either way, it's going to affect your money. Don't do it.

Don't do it. Been there, done that. Trust me, don't fucking do it. It does not end well. All right, you don't want that on your resume. It's awful. It's awful. It's an unforgivable act.

Don't do it. All right, you don't want to do it. Your dick wants to do it. And this is a great opportunity to be the fucking steal from the Seinfeld show to be master of your domain. All right, you don't have to tell her to fuck off. Just say, listen. All right, I would love to have sex with you too, but I can't do it while you're still married.

So when that situation changes, come by and knock on the non-existent door of my cubicle and I will put you right on my fucking generic plastic desk that everybody else has that was fucking bulk ordered from some staple somewhere and I'll fuck you in front of everybody. I'll have my fucking o-face right over the top of the cubicle and I'll fuck you right here at work. But until then, get out of my crib. What movie was that? Get out of my crib.

All right, Wild Bill. I'm 28 and have been living in Japan for five years. That's probably pretty cool. What an experience. For the past year and a half, I've been dating a fine specimen of a woman from your country but recently ended things. Well, I'm glad you did considering you look at her like she's something you've collected in a lab. Dude, there's so many people who are so close to being a fucking serial killer.

A fine specimen. You sound like one of those Nazi fucking doctors. That's a very fine specimen. It's a human being, man. A large part of this was due to us being from different countries. Her being from the good old USA. Me being from another guy from Scotland. These guys from Scotland are fucking killing it.

I wish I could do a good Scottish accent. I can't. The only thing I can kind of do in a Scottish accent is the shit that they said to me. What the fuck's the fucking podcast? And that was probably terrible, right? Oh my God. That's more like Northern Ireland. Shut up.

Nobody cares. All right. Where am I going here? A large part of this was due to us being from different countries and her being from the good old USA. Me being from Scotland and our employment contracts coming to an end in a few weeks. Originally, she planned to come back with me but now I'll be braving Scotland alone. When I break up, I've been feeling down and generally acting like a little emo bitch crying, drowning my sorrows and worrying that I'll never get with anyone ever again.

Let's stop right here. Sir, there's nothing wrong with feeling like that and addressing it and crying. That's exactly what you're supposed to do. That's what the ladies do and that's why they don't die as soon as we do. You can't push that shit down. Literally to not cry is you're denying a natural emotion. It'd be like, would you ever deny being happy? Or like, you know, I'm going to laugh.

I'm going to fucking tough it out and not laugh. You've got to let it out. That's your body trying to heal itself. If you don't, that shit just stays in you. It just spoons around your fucking arteries. I'm telling you. Dude, that was one of the greatest things I saw when Chris Bosch, when they lost the fucking NBA championship and he walked down the tunnel

and just collapsed and just fucking cried it out. Do you understand how advanced of a human being that guy is as a man that he could do that and did it? TV cameras and whatever and just said, yeah, I was disappointed. I just needed to cry it out of me and I feel better. You know, I think it's a great thing. Oh, by the way, if you missed that, I was on Conan this week. The wonderful people over there had me on the show again.

Oh, Jesus, I'm an asshole. I'm not even thinking here. The movie The Heat, everybody, is the number one movie in the country from what I heard. I didn't look it up, but I heard it did really well. So I want to thank everybody for going out to see it. I want to thank Conan O'Brien and everybody at the Conan O'Brien show for letting me come on the show, run my mouth and hype the movie.

Like to thank Paul Feig, the director for putting me in the movie and everybody else that I got to work with. I went to a screening of it last week. It was fucking awesome. A bunch of big laughs. Please go see it because it would help me out and everybody else in the movie would really help it out. So thank you to everybody who went to go see it.

Thank you to everybody who even thought about seeing it and whatever. Chris Bosch was one of the guests on the show, and I was going to say hello to him, but I always get a little freaked out before I have to go do a panel. You know, it's like, you got to... I was trying to think like, what the fuck am I going to talk about? And I don't like going out there having like... I don't know.

I like going out there and just saying something because then that sets me into just being there and then you know, like when you do that, they do these things where they do like a pre-interview. They'll do it on radio and everything and then it just becomes this weird phony conversation where you come walking out there and they just go, you know, hey Bill, have you ever let your foot on fire

while mowing a lawn? And then I go, as a matter of fact, I have. I was mowing my lawn. It's almost like the host has like ESP, you know what I mean? And there's that whole just trying to fucking fake your way into doing this thing that everybody knows you're going to do. So I always try to fucking throw something out there. And Conan's awesome because he just fucking rolls with it.

I always have a great time. So I always get more fans by doing that show. So thanks again to everybody over there at Conan for getting me on. And if you missed it, I retweeted the... whatever your kids call it, the clip there. And I'll be doing it again this week on the podcast page and you can watch my little interview there. You should actually watch the whole show.

It's a great show. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. What the fuck am I? Sense of breakup and feeling down, crying, however, now that those feelings have subsided, the real worry is not whether I'll find someone but what kind of person. Yeah, I'm talking about looks here.

Okay, I currently live in an area of Japan famed for its beauties. Dude, this guy is just crushing it. This is what you do when you're a young man is you move to another country with beautiful... every country has beautiful women. You just move there and all of a sudden you're fucking interesting just because you're asking

where the restroom is. Just because you have an accent. Right there, you're going to get 40% more pussy if you even remotely have any game. It's going to happen for you. All right, I currently live in an area of Japan famed for its beauties. Scotland, on the other hand, does not boast this distinction

and also has the highest level of obesity in Europe. Does it? I didn't notice any fat people over there. I mean, I just think in general, Great Britain just people have that fish and chips torso. Then again, I am coming from the States. You know, we go hard out here. So what advice can you give to a poor wee laddie returning to a country of bad food,

even worse weather, and now also finding himself having to wade through a dating pool of biological clock ticking, tanning challenge, third round draft pick. Ladies! That's hilarious. Dude, you know what? The only thing I can tell you is save up your money

and you got to go back. You got to go back. You got to go back to where they have even better looking women than where you were in Japan. You know, maybe go down to the Caribbean or something like that. This is what it is. You opened Pandora's box. No pun intended.

And you know the selections that are out there. See, people who never travel, they just end up fucking somebody in their hometown and then they get married. And it's just like they ate the same food their entire fucking life. They don't have any better. They don't understand how long

the buffet table is of ladies that are out there. You know? Like if I was a guy right now, I am a guy, alright? But let's just say I wasn't a guy. No, if I was some dude getting divorced and I didn't know

where to turn and I was a little bit older and that type of thing, like that is what I would do. I would fucking... Personal trainer. I would get an unbelievable fucking shape and I would get my ass down to the fucking Caribbean and I would find myself some

island girl absolute stunning beauty who's on island time and is completely laid back and that type of shit, right? And I would fucking marry her. I'd find love down there. Start all over again. And just fuck it, you know?

And just give into their vibe. Start walking around barefoot. Start chilling out. Just relax it. Going out, doing your fucking job, making the money and then fucking coming home to this absolute

exotic beauty. That's what the fuck I would do rather than coming home and go fuck the female version of you. Hehehehehehehehehehehe You know? That's what I learned through travel. So there you go, sir.

That's what I would do. I would get a job there and I would tough it out, save up some fucking money and I would just literally Google where the most beautiful women are in the world, look at the pictures, make a judgment for yourself

and then just fucking move there. You're young, you're not tied down. You can always go back to Scotland. You know? But you could have some fucking beautiful lady on your arm. It can happen. Alright? But you gotta take that first step, sir.

You gotta put your freckled foot down and just make that decision that you know, you're gonna better yourself, give yourself a better life. Alright? God bless you. Good luck to you, sir. Alright, girlfriend hits me.

Jesus Christ. How do you know soul having motherfucker? Can we stop with the hacky red-headed jokes? You know what I mean? Do you know how many times I've fucking heard that that we don't have any soul? I don't have any soul. Did you hear that, sir? Did you hear the wonderful advice

that just came from my heart? How could you say that? You know what? Just for that, I'm not giving you any good advice. I'm gonna give you some terrible, terrible advice here. I'm 26 and have been dating the same girl for almost a year. She's a dime, the fuck's like a champ. Great job and family.

And the whole fucking nine yards. Anyways, about three months ago into the relation shit. That's what he called it, everybody. The relation shit. You see what he did there? He took the pee out and put a tea. What's the deal with relationships? He goes, we get drunk at her friend's house

and she starts going fucking nuts running around. I try to talk to her and she slaps me right across the face. I was seeing red, bad enough self-control to let it slide. In the past two weeks, however, she has slapped me in front of my friends

and squeezed my nuts to the point of vomiting because I was playing around and pissed her off. Wow. She squeezed your nuts so hard you puked. Were you drinking? He goes, this has completely

turned me off and had made me seriously consider dumping this brat. Dude, she can't do that. She can't do that. Dude, she grabs your balls and squeezed to the point that you puked and you're still writing me for advice. How fucking hot

is this girl? He goes, I'm a big guy and obviously can't respond. So I got to stand there like a dildo and just take this shit. Oh, dude, at what size do you feel like you could come back with an overhand right? Although I got to tell you

there really is nothing funnier if a guy slaps you. You've seen that video on the internet with that woman slap set security guard and he fucking slaps her right back and she is stunned

for like a second and a half and then just puts her hands up like a little kid just goes ahhhhhhhhh so she's crying. I am not pro-violence towards women. I am not, but that is some funny shit

and I stand by it. Go fuck yourself. It's fucking hilarious. Alright? She got the ol' right there, Fred. Um Oh, right there Fred for new people. I've told you what that expression means. But before I do that

I really need to fucking, you guys are using cold lotion incorrectly. You'll be like, Chicago Blackhawks beat the Bruins in six games. Cold lotion. That's not cold lotion. Alright? Cold lotion is when somebody goes to do something nice for you

and then they, it's just like something bad about it. Like Nia said, can you put some lotion on my back? That's a beautiful, loving, nice thing to do. But I didn't warm it up in my hands and I just put it on her back and it was cold lotion. Do you get it? So I still put lotion on her back

her skin wasn't dry I did her a solid but the way I did it caused like this fucking jolt, this uncomfortableness. That is the definition. It's actually the definition is up on what the urban dictionary or whatever it is up there.

Alright, so the Blackhawks beating the Bruins in six games is not cold lotion. Because that would be like they would have let us win on some level but also fucking blew out one of our guys' knees

but they did let us win. That would be I guess, I don't fucking know. Anyways let's get back to this shit, shall we? So anyways, to refresh your memory before I went off on that tangent alright, she's slapping them in front of friends and squeezes nuts to the point of vomiting

and evidently you know, they're not in the same weight class so he can't hit her back because I'm just afraid someday in the future I'll go into rage mode and end up crushing your head on the stove or something and ruin my life. Yeah dude, you have to get out of this.

And then he goes I might go into rage mode end up crushing your head on the stove or something and ruin my life. Anyways, love you and looking forward to hearing you read this in your own clown voice. Ha ha ha ha ha

um alright well sir you have to break up with this woman it's not even a question dude she squeezed, she squeezed she squeezed your balls to the point of you puking, it's fucking over

it's over alright you need to dump her and the problem is you know what, probably nobody has ever dumped her and that's why she's so fucking out of line so why don't you do it you know, you kind of fucked up now because you didn't do it

in the moment you should have done it the next day and just been like do you realize how fucking out of line no don't curse, you just stay really calm and just say listen uh you know um I don't want to see you anymore I just don't, I just you know

uh I don't know how to fucking do it I can't do it without cursing you know, you're fucking psycho and you squeezed my balls until I puked and um you haven't even apologized

and no matter how smart I am my kids are gonna be cut with your half a dumb cuntness so you know and whenever I see them do something dumb

I'm gonna know that it's you and that I shouldn't have dumped her so I uh I just can't see her anymore dude are you gonna when you break up with her you're gonna be wearing one of those dog you know those suits you wear when you're training a dog how to attack people a beekeeper hat

and a cup no sir if you're actually you know having fantasies of slamming your head on a stove top yeah I would definitely get out of it before you ruin your life um

unreal actually and you know dude you don't want to do that actually watching the unbelievably depressing and sad story of Aaron Hernandez you know just watching somebody losing their life and then somebody else just throwing their life away

and that fucking depressing depression where you're just like you know as everybody's out there chasing money you just feel like you know if I had all that money and I had a big house I would finally be happy and my life would be perfect and just seeing somebody have all of that

and just throwing it all away it's one of the most depressing fucking things I've ever seen in my life um um creepy chilling the whole the whole fucking nine yards you know

and this is how fucking hilarious Boston fans are my friends are calling me up going you believe this Hernandez story go oh my god I can't believe it and they're just going yeah you know with the fuck now what do we do Gronk's always getting hurt who's Brady gonna throw to hahahaha

fucking you know I think there's something a little bigger than not trying to beat the dolphins or the Jets this year I think the fact that uh you know that people died I just it's unbelievable I'm fucking believe it like if what they're saying

is true this guy literally like killed two people in the next week he's on sports there you know talking to some you know reporter then some lady they always have the ladies down on the sidelines you know when you're sitting there smiling and waving in his head

he's like yeah I just killed two people um creepy anyways odd question hey Bill hey Billy I've been enjoying your podcast and stand up for a while and have some odd issues I'm a 17 year old guy and haven't really been social

or outgoing most of my life well dude you're only 17 I was I was walled off too um but recently I've had about three girls start making advances towards me and not really sure how to manage that go with it dude

just go with it just take them out dude that's what you have to do you have to push through your first fucking date alright and the longer you go the more fucking more of a mountain it's gonna seem like it really isn't dude you're stepping over a rake that's all it is

you know it's fucking it's it's an eighth of an inch off the ground just go out there everybody makes an ass to themselves when they first start fucking courting a lady just take them out go to a fucking movie go see the heat I heard it's a wonderful movie

um anyways he says not really sure how to manage that but now to more issues the one girl in particular who I really like has been getting pretty physical we had some pretty close moments at a couple of sleepovers and during the last one she started taking

off my belt I gently moved her hands away and brought them up to my chest level but she's been more sexually aggressive in terms of initiating stuff than me why might you ask would you get molested I'm gonna guess

he goes why might you ask don't I want to give up it up to this girl he goes well I have a small dick oh man he goes laugh it up whatever go dude I would never laugh at you like that having a big

dick over a small dick is not a skill it's just luck of the draw he goes I make up for it in character so not asking from experience because you sound because from the sound of it you're doing just fine dude I'm average I'm fucking right down the middle

you know if my dick was a car it would be a fucking tourist no that's a full-sized car what am I saying it would just be like you know an ultima laugh you know it's not gonna scare you it's not gonna disappoint you you know it's a friend

um alright it's dependable where am I going here do you have any advice what to do I really want to be with this girl but I feel like she may lose interest in me or write me off because of it

and I'm destined to die a virgin I gotta know what to do and I can't ask my friends for obvious reasons any response would mean the world to me thanks for making the world a little brighter by the way you make people smile Bill and that's pretty important some fans

some fan with the development issue um dude this is a uh this is this is beyond my capabilities other than to say like I would really talk to somebody

you know what I mean because this is really like a crucial fucking thing where yeah you could be so embarrassed or something like that that it's gonna cause you to miss out on being with somebody look there's guys with little dicks that get married all the fucking time who find love and that type of thing

so your situation is not hopeless you know there's guys with fucking big believe me there's women with big dick women with big dick there's women out there with big dicks too you know there's just a whole bunch of fucking people out there

everybody and I don't judge any of them there's women out there with guys who have fucking big dicks that uh you know they're out there fucking around on them or they don't have a fucking job you know there's it's not all roses

after a while I swear to god after a while all the fucking women want you to do is just bring home some goddamn money just have a fucking job treat me with respect and raise our kids right if you do that you're hitting a fucking homerun

alright so I would seek out some professional advice and then um I don't know dude you know what if I had a fucking little dick and I'd own it

it just get it out there just fucking tell her right off the bat you know and then I would fucking please her at least two three times before I fucking uh went to go do my business and uh yeah

I think that's just something you just gotta get it out there that's what I would guess but I would definitely talk to somebody about it I mean obviously it's bothering you would fucking bother anybody and uh I want you to succeed you know

so that's what I would do does that make sense I hope that fucking helped you out the fuck did I do with my goddamn questions here it was still um the worst um ah Jesus now I gotta look this up

yeah seriously dude I would never make fun of somebody for something like that you know what I mean I'd pick on people for writing thank you letters after winning a championship under the guise that they're actually trying to do us a fucking favor Jesus so swell um

alright let's get back to this here so good luck with that sir and um what the hell am I odd question yeah alright I did that alright so there you go there's the advice I hope that that

positive thing for you alright cause that's what I'm trying to say I would never make fun of somebody for something like that alright I think that's the end of the podcast people um what do I got coming up actually you know what I'm not on the road for a minute

I got some big shows back east if you'd like to know about them you can go to billbird.com um I'm gonna be at the Cape Cod Melody tent and I can't even tell you how thrilled I am to be doing that place like I told you that's the place where the one and only time I ever saw

George Carlin so that's gonna be an unbelievably special night for me so it will be a great show obviously and then uh I'm at the Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino this is all the weekend of July 12th and then I got

uh the Newport Yachting Center so like I said that weekend I'm playing two tents and an attic alright and that's the weekend of July 12th, 13th, 14th or 11th, 12th and 13th I don't have it in front of me but

um tickets are going fast so thank you to everybody who's been going out to my shows and that type of stuff and blah blah blah blah and uh and with that we gotta do the outros here once again people if you forgot already now that the show's over don't forget to sign

up for your free trial of Hulu Plus and start watching your favorite hit TV shows right now watch TV the way you want to wherever the hell you want to do it just go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner for your extended extended free trial or go to HuluPlus.com

and also don't forget um if you're starting your own business to set up your free trial of Evoise join the thousands of entrepreneurs who've used Evoise as their personal receptionist 24-7 get your own toll free or local number professional greetings

if you have calls routed and all your voicemails transcribed and emailed to you for less than 10 bucks a month that's really priceless everybody right now you can try Evoise for free for 30 days go to evoise.com promo code bill um or click on the Evoise banner at the podcast

page at billbird.com alright and with that I'm trying to get into uh baseball everybody I'm slowly getting back into it uh wanted to start watching the dodgers I actually beat the blue jays I believe it was yesterday on the final play of the game

somebody hit a little flair I'm going to get back into it I'll get back into it if the fucking Blackhawks would stop sending fucking thank you letters reminding me of what I already know you know picking that fucking scab um

yeah that's it I've decided I'm going to win brace baseball you know I got a nice little time off here I'm going to lose some weight you know take my dog on a short hike and then I'm going to go on the longer one like what I did today and um you get myself in great fucking

shape here for the summer and I'm going to watch some baseball I'm actually going to try to go back east uh well I'm going to go back east I'm going to try to take it maybe a Red Sox game when I'm back there I haven't gone to a game in a couple of years but uh that's what I'm up to alright and that right there was the lackluster ending

to this hopefully wonderful podcast once again thanks to Paul Feig and everyone who worked on the heat forget me in that uh please go see it this week if you haven't seen it already go see it again or whatever be helping me out and uh and thanks to Conan O'Brien and everybody on the Conan O'Brien

show for let me come on and uh run my mouth and hype that project alright that's it that's the podcast go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week cry out loud so we know

you you you