Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-19

Episode Date: July 11, 2019

Bill rambles about bike deaths, casting whores, and the offseason.

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Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, you know what? You know what I can really use right now? A fucking nap. I just realized that I'm getting into my old man naps. Oh, the old man, the old man naps. He ain't what he used to be. Wake up, old grandpa. Um, anyways, I am here in New York City. I worked on the movie today. We did a great scene or two. Now I came back and I just missed my lovely daughter. She was going up to some friggin' class she had. Really fucking broke my heart. I thought I was gonna get home in time to see her, but she's back at six o'clock. So I'll get to hang with her tonight because what's more important than that?

Oh, you know what? Making you laugh in this moment as you fucking trudge home. By the way, everybody, please try to be on the lookout for cyclists out there. You know, 16 people have already died riding bicycles this year alone in New York City. I cannot fucking believe that if you get on a bicycle in New York City with all these fucking people driving around, texting while driving, while you on a bicycle blow off as many fucking red lights and stop signs as you can, can you fucking believe people are dying? These fucking assholes on their bicycles. God bless them. You know, you gotta like them on one level because, you know, they're keeping themselves in shape. They're not polluting, okay? They're thinking globally. They're acting locally and all that type of shit.

Having said that, they had a big protest, you know, to try to make safer bike lanes, which I agree with, but I'm a cunt, so I gotta give them some shit. They're fucking down there and they had a big thing where everybody laid still in honor of the dead 16 fucking people this year in Washington Square Park and they're blaming the government, the governor, saying he's not doing enough and he doesn't give a shit about cyclists, but at no fucking point, no fucking point did they ever bring up, hey, you know, something, we could probably do a better job stopping at red lights instead of gliding through, weaving through traffic, all that dumb shit that they fucking do. When was the last time you saw somebody on a bicycle actually stop and they're supposed to, you know? They love to act like they're a fucking car when they're riding out in the road

and you gotta go 10 miles an hour behind them. Second there's a stop sign, all of a sudden they fucking go right through it. They're like, they're a ghost of some shit. That's the thing that bugs me. Is that the thing? Well, it's one of many things. People on motorcycles, another fucking thing. They always say, what can these things where people pull out in front of people on motorcycles, it's like, well, wake the fuck up. Wake the fuck up. It's like you're in a motorcycle. People can't see you. You know it's dangerous. You know what you signed up for. Not saying it's not fun. I'm just saying, how about a little bit of response? You took it, how many times have you been in a car and you saw somebody guy go by on a motorcycle

and you're just like, that guy's gonna fucking die. I'm literally looking at a fucking dead man. Maybe not right now, maybe not in another mile, but eventually that person that they continue to ride like that, they're gonna fucking die. I can't tell you, I've been driving down the highway and somebody goes blowing by me so fucking fast on a motorcycle, actually scares me. Like a fucking human missile. Thought some prayers go out too. That's all I'm saying, because I'm all for the bike lanes. I wish they had them. I'm actually talking to the guy bringing me back from the movie there in the van

and I was saying like, you know, in the future, when they look at these bike lanes where there's no barrier between where the cars drive and where the bikes are, people are gonna look back and just be like, Jesus Christ. It's like looking back in the day when a goalie didn't wear a mask, you know? Well, you look at the original like those Formula One races from the 1950s with this footage on a straightaway, they just have the crowd standing on the grass behind a rope. They'd have them like 20 feet off and it's all good because they're thinking, well, they're going straight through here until two of them bump into each other, sending each other both out into the fucking crowd. That's all I'm saying. I don't know.

I grew up in an era when you rode a bicycle, you didn't wear a helmet and you rode on the sidewalk. You didn't ride out in the fucking street like you were having your own bike race that nobody knew about. And if you died on a bike, that was it. Nobody spray painted it white. I mean, nobody even knew, I don't think, but I mean, I'm weird on this bike issue. Like, I think it's great, more people should do it. It's gotta be safer, but like these fucking... I'll say conservatively that 20 to 30% of people on bicycle ride like assholes and don't stop at red lights. And that's only, that's saying what, 2 out of 10, 3 out of 10, and that hasn't been my experience. I drive my wife nuts. I'll be in the car and just be like, look at this car.

Look, he's not going to, no, he's not stopping. Just keep going. Oh yeah, when you die, they should frost the bike. You know, and blame fucking people in cars. And anyway, sorry. Anyway, let's go to something positive. Women's soccer team went back to back in World Cups championships. First woman's team to ever do so when they had the parade today in New York City. So congratulations to all of them. Are they going to go for a three-peat? You got to go for a three-peat. Has that ever even happened in men's soccer?

I don't know. You know what would be awesome is if soccer becomes such a huge sport that there's a professional league that women support the way men support the NFL and shit, and they buy jerseys and shit, and then these women go out and make fucking million dollars, you know, get commercial fucking whatever, what do you call it, endorsement deals and all. How great would that be? That would be so fucking, it would be great for women, and it'd be great for men because they quit trying to worm their way into our sports. I cannot stand women in male sports. Why? Because I'm sexist probably, but besides that, I just don't like how when they show up all of a sudden, like the whole fucking thing has to change

to the way they want it. They can't even just meet us halfway. Like, all right, we'll try to tone down some of the locker room language, but you know, you got to get a little more of a tougher skin. It's like, no, I feel fucking triggered. This is my space, and I need to feel safe. And next thing you know, everybody's wearing pink for a month in the fucking NFL. There, well, that's shutting up. Will that make you happy? You fucking intrusive assholes. I'll tell you what's killing me is I'm reading, I'm reading that Ken Stabler fucking book, right? It's just that those days just don't exist anymore.

Where a guy could get divorced twice and still have enough money to get married again. It just doesn't exist. Back then you'd be like, all right, I'll give you a fucking cow. The pot dishes and a pat on the ass. You can go fuck yourself. I'm keeping the cow. Well, I built it. I built the fucking thing there. Now all that goddamn right I did. All right, emotional support doesn't build a structure. You don't have those divorce settlements anymore. Anyway, I'm fucking, I'm overtired here, people, but if I don't do this podcast now, I know tomorrow I'm going to have an early call. If I do the podcast now, tomorrow I will have a late call.

At which point I'll get to sleep in, which is something I'm really looking forward to. So I know the show business gods are like, ah, no, you don't. You ain't going to hook and sleep in. So I'm trying to just go on momentum here. Mammotham. So once again, I think what I was just trying to say is congratulations to the women's soccer team. And it's a great thing for ladies everywhere. And I think it's high time that they had their own sports leagues separate, but equal. Why can't you just let us be morons over in our own little corner? Can't we just do that? Can't we just do that? Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus Christ. I don't even know what, I don't even know what anymore. I don't get how joining something that oppressed you then makes you stronger.

Why don't you create your own fucking thing and then you run it, right? Is that the stronger move? Is that the brave move? I have no fucking idea. By the way, we did a show in Staten Island at this beautiful theater. I didn't even know existed. I didn't even get the fucking name of it. Theater, Staten Island, Michael Bolton. Because he was playing there coming up. What is it? What is it? The St. George Theater. Oh my God, was that place fucking gorgeous? I didn't even know it existed. It's weird as I came down to New York City. It started coming down before I moved in 1994. So it took me 25 years to finally get to Staten Island and do a stand-up show down there.

And an incredible theater. I heard Tony Bennett goes there all the time. And I got to come back and do a show. It was incredible. We did a thing for the firefighters. We just had a great fucking time. It was a wonderful show. And I don't know, Staten Island is really, I don't know why it gets all that shit. It's kind of cool that it does get a lot of shit because it prevents people from fucking moving there. But it's a really nice green place with a ton of trees. A lot of nice houses. Just like a real neighborhood vibe like back in the day when I was a kid. I didn't say enough good things about it. So I'm really sold on that burrow and old Billy Freckles.

I want to come back to the St. George Theater. You know, take the ferry over. The old ferry taking the ferry over and I'll fucking do a show. Right? I went over to fucking Top Tomato. I got myself a little ball of fucking French mozzarella. Came home. Everybody was gone. Sitting here like a fucking divorcee eating little slices of cheese. You don't kept the cheese moist. My tears. Sorry. Anyway, I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here. I think I got it. I think I have one advertising read. I literally just hit record. I have nothing to talk about and there's fucking 19 minutes to go. To realize that I'm going to teachers ever get into that fucking situation.

The lessons over like, oh my God, it blown through all of this shit. Now what the fuck am I going to talk about? You know what they do then, right? They just call in the dumbest kid in the room. Figure his fucking stammer and we'll eat up fucking a good seven or eight minutes. Well, didn't you do the assignment? He gets bawled out. Is this still called that? You get yelled at by a teacher. I'm sure there's some Instagram bawled out. Let's see what they say here. Bawled out new word suggestions to scold or reprimand usually a child or young person by a parent or a guardian. What the fuck is a guardian? This is my new thing. Like when I don't know shit, I'm just fucking looking it up on the internet because God, that's where all the answers are.

You know, guardian of the galaxy. Guardians of the galaxy. Was that because their real parents couldn't show up to represent the galaxy? Am I doing stand up from the 80s? The Guardian News Report definition, you cunt. Definition of guardian. Protector, defender, preserver, champion. Easy, easy. Warden, guard, keeper. That sounds more of, more in the world I'm thinking of. Curator, caretaker, steward, trustee, supervisor. All of those words sound like the person that's nestles up to some fucking old guy. You know, wait for him to die and then all of a sudden the guy changed his will and the steward, his caretaker. He changed his will shortly after getting a new caretaker.

Alright, a person who looks after and is legally responsible for someone who is unable to manage their own affairs. Especially an incompetent or disabled person or a child whose parents have died. Alright, I gotta look up guardian whores. Cause there's gold digging whores. And now you gotta have guardian whores. Jack the Ripper's victims had to be whores. How the hell did I get here? How the hell did Carrie Fisher, my husband has been seeing prostitutes. What part of the fucking internet, internet am I on? Why men use prostitutes? Because they leave Quentin Tarantino produced film, post casting call for whores. So what? Quentin Tarantino produced film, casting call for whores has caused controversy after a Facebook post invited whores to apply. Why do women act like whores don't exist? I just don't fucking understand it. Only they can say who's a whore and who isn't?

Who's a whore? Alright, Jack the Ripper's victims had to be whores. No, no, no. Was I right to pay for a prostitute for my husband? There's the winner. Christmas comes early with this article. If you are hoping to add to his repertoire or experience, you will have failed, says a woman named Annalisa Barbieri. Why did you fucking ask her? Alright, my husband and I have been together for six years. I married him when he was 18 and I was 24. Oh, Jesus, Robin the Cradle. I discovered after we got married that he had sexual intercourse only with me. Well, you didn't talk about that before. He had sexual encounters with other women, but he hadn't felt ready for intercourse. At first, oh, he lied. He acted like, you know, he was a man of the world. At first this wasn't a problem, but now his younger brothers are sexually active and have had multiple sexual partners.

He has started to feel jealous. Yeah, this marriage is over. I felt that this jealousy was only going to grow and I didn't want him to develop feelings of resentment towards me and cheat on me. Jesus, this woman should get a fucking award if she's going to do what I think she's going to do. I also didn't want him to think he had missed out and get into his 30s or 40s and leave me so he could experience what it feels like to sleep with other people. As his stepdad did to his mum. His mum, this must be over in jolly old England. So I took out my poker book. So I booked a holiday to Amsterdam with the intention of paying for a prostitute for him. I felt this would be a safe option as it is a job and no feelings could develop, plus he would know he had slept with someone other than me.

I didn't know exactly how he would feel afterwards, but I was willing to take this risk to save the future of our marriage. Okay, but now it has happened and he wasn't happy or fulfilled. He said he felt nothing at all. Yeah, that is usually the feeling and it was very different and strange. Well, that's what happens when you get some strange. He was deflated afterwards and now he won't talk to me about it because he says it hurts him. I'm scared it is upset him and worried I should have done this. Well, you kind of went zero to fucking 60 while he was kind of driving 10 miles an hour. I went down a country road with you, but then all of a sudden he got on the interstate there with somebody who fucks for a living. Alright, there were a few things which struck me about your letter.

First, how few times it said we, even when you talk about your marriage, is a union. Yeah, yeah, he's right. This sounds like it was all her fear. This is what the podcast has come to at this point. I'm literally talking about reading somebody else's fucking letters that someone... Why don't you bring you home a sandwich or something? Oh, Jesus, no. I can't eat a sandwich at my age this late in the day. The sun goes down. That's it. That's no more fun for Billy, alright? Alright, I mentioned earlier I went to the Staten Island Yankee game before I did the show at the St. George's Theater.

I went to the sports bar, I got delicious meal, you know, and I was with Club Soda Kenny and he was like, hey Bill, you know the Staten Island Yankees have a whole game and I was like, great, let's fucking go. So we went, got two tickets behind home plate, watched Staten Island Yankees play the Connecticut So-and-Sows. I don't know who the fuck they were. I thought that was triple A ball down there. It's like one single A with something else and I guess there's three levels of that. I don't know, but they were kids we were watching, but they were great. And my scouting call in that game was the catcher for Connecticut, Cooper Johnson. He was the most impressive, threw out a kitted second base, backed up a throw on first base.

There was a foul ball going down the right field line, you know when they have the bullpens on the field? And the catchers had their back, the pitchers had their back to the fucking play. And he just fucking, he's like halfway down the first base line and just yells, move! I'm like alright, we got ourselves in general. That's my pick. You know what was cool was you were sitting there and next to us were like three fucking scouts sitting there with a radar gun. And when I tell you this guy wrote a small paragraph after every single fucking pitch, I was fascinated by it. And I was also thinking like, you know, that's one of those things in life where you just love something so much that you get a job in it.

And then all of a sudden you're working in it and as much as you still love it, a part of your love for it dies. If you got to sit there sweating your fucking balls off, right in a goddamn soliloquy after every single fucking pitch, you know? I'm sure when you think about getting into the front office and baseball, you're going to be eating fucking peanuts and crackerjacks and smoking cigars sitting in the dark like that fucking guy in The Natural. Take me out to the ball game, right? You're banging the fat chick that plays the organ. Take me out to the crowd. The whole fan base loves you.

You went championship after championship. Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks. You signed that stud from the Dominican Republic. I don't care if I ever get next thing you know, you're on the Staten Island ferry. We're in some slacks you bought nine years ago at Sears Robuck. You know, sitting there with 40 other people watching a fucking baseball game. Can you have a couple of beers? No.

Right? Can you eat some weed and be trippin' a little? No, I can't do that. You got to sit there stone sober with a ballpoint pen and a notebook writing down paragraphs about mechanics. Now maybe I'm superimposing how I would be feeling. I'd call the front office at some point and be like, listen, is it okay if every third game I just went and I got shit faced after the seventh inning? You know, I know what's going on, okay? I've seen all the way up to their middle relief, okay?

And I don't give a shit how fucking drunk I am. If they bring in a shutdown closer, I'm going to notice. Okay? Hello? This just did. Bill Burr fired from the Staten Island Yankees single A team for getting shit faced before the closer came in. Bill, do you have a comment? Hey, I like to fucking drink.

Well, how many fucking games am I supposed to go to? I called Cooper Johnson, didn't I? Fucking assholes. Oh, take me into the advertising. Oh, 21 minutes in. I've never been so happy to see 21 here. Oh, by the way, oh my God, the big gay summer of the NBA. Oh, Jesus, do I have some tea leaves to spill on your yum-yums?

Kauai Leonard, however you say it, I just heard he's going to be spending some time with LeBron and Los Angeles, except they're going to be in the same house, but on different, in different bedrooms. Leonard just signed with the fucking the Clippers. You know, as much as I'm making fun of the NBA, it is absolutely brilliant what they've done to only make three teams having a serious contention. Be serious contenders every year and just fuck the rest of the league. You would think that that would fuck them over, but they know, they know attendance has nothing to do with it. It's all about the soap opera. It's all about the stories.

So they are now at 12 months, 12 months out of the year. It's NBA time. The fucking championship ended a month ago and there's more shit. There's more shit on the fucking ESPN. Top stories. Fuck baseball. It's baseball season. Fuck baseball.

Top fucking stories are superstars, you know, drinking out of champagne, flutes on fucking boats, you know, getting into a prayer circle and all deciding what team they're going to pile on next. You know what sucks about that? It's one of my favorite things I ever saw was the look Michael Jordan gave to Detroit Pistons when they walked off the court, when they knew that they were going to lose to them. And rather than being men about it, they went off like the fucking punks. I can't say punks because they could all kick the shit out of me, but it's just as far as like, you know, that's not the way you do it.

They just walked off. Isaiah shrugging his shoulders with his stupid smile on his face. The look on Jordan's face. How he just sat there and looked at him like he just, he just lost all respect for him. You know, I don't know why I loved him more probably because I hated the fucking Pistons. But can you imagine if he played today? This is sacrilegious to say this because I know Jordan wouldn't do it, but like a player of his caliber or somewhere near his caliber because nobody is, would it just join the Pistons?

And then they would have had a fucking dynasty like they did out there in a fucking wherever the fucking Golden State plays. They played in the state that's golden. You know who made it the Golden State, by the way, huh? We all know, don't we? It wasn't the, it wasn't the gold rush of the 49ers. It wasn't that at all with their gold pants. It wasn't that. It was Robert Plant when he stood at the Rock and Roll Hyatt right next to the fucking, the comedy store.

He said, I'm a golden God, which you know he never did. That was in that book, Hammer of the Guts. They just said, he said it. He probably, what he's saying in that photo is, I can't believe how many bitches I'm going to fuck out here. That's probably what he said. That's what I'm guessing. But you know, I think the person just stole the photo and just said, you know, it was such a silly book. Now, looking back, having read the thing, I'm just like, there was one point when something bad happened, they said like Jimmy Page walked away muttering some,

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Oh, so I'm reading this Ken Stavibook. Okay. And I remember the year that the Raiders won it. It was actually the year before I started watching football religiously. I started around the playoffs, playoffs of the 1977 season. And then I watched my first Super Bowl in 1978. The Dallas Cowboys versus the Denver Broncos. All right.

And this is the year before. And the New England Patriots had an incredible team that year. When 11 and 3, we beat the Miami Dolphins, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and we beat the shit out of the fucking Oakland Raiders. This is like Ken Stabler's words. We beat the shit out of them. 44 to something. Then we met them in the playoffs, and the Raiders went 13-1 that year.

Okay? The only team that beat them was the New England Patriots. So it's kind of funny, you know? So they went all the way and fucking... Well, it's not the same as the Patriots losing to the Giants because we lost the Super Bowl. It'd be the same if the Giants beat us in the regular season. But we fucked up their perfect season. So, as a football fan, I wish we didn't.

You know, just because I'm so sick of that stupid shit with the Dolphins going nuts, because they were undefeated in a 14-game season with no 24-hour sports networks, none of that fucking bullshit. It's a completely different time. But you do have to respect it, but they annoy the shit out of me. Anyways, so we ended up playing Oakland in the playoffs that year, first round. We're playing him again, and it's like third down in 18. And Steyler goes back to pass.

He throws a pass. It falls incomplete on, like, the three-yard line or whatever. You know, he threw, like, a 20-30-yard pass or some shit like that. So they were going to be looking at fourth and 18, and you have to look at this play. I'm going to post this play for all these fucking Raider fans who still whine about the tuck rule. I mean, it's fucking ridiculous. Ray Hamilton comes in and is, like, as Steyler's throwing the ball, he, like, hits Steyler. And his hand was up around his face, but they didn't have that rule back then.

Like, today it would be, like, roughing the quarterback just looking at him. Forget about your hand and his face, but that wasn't a rule. Even Steyler says in the book, says, Christmas came early, and the ref saw a roughing the passer, which brought the ball down. Now, I was under the impression it brought it down to, like, the one-yard line. They handed it off, and then that was it. But according to Steyler, and I cannot find footage of this part of it, because they never show it, but they threw a pass, had a run, and then at one point one of the Patriots was screaming at the official, and it was, like, fourth and one.

It was going to be close, and there was a Patriot screaming at the official, still probably bitching about that call, and he got an unsportsmanlike conduct that gave him a first down, and then a play later or two plays later, the Raiders put it in for the go-ahead score. That was, that's how it went down. I didn't realize we lost our composure, like that or whatever, but it's really fucking interesting. But I can't say enough about the book, too. It's a great fucking book that I'm reading, but I had no idea that we were that good that year. And then I talked, then next week, this is what's crazy.

The Raiders then played the Pittsburgh Steelers, where the Steelers just owned the Raiders, and Stabler said, Franco Harris and Rocky Blyre, they're two top running backs. I mean, Franco Harris was, like, when he retired, the only person who had more yardage than him was Jim Brown. I believe he was second all-time when he retired. Neither one of them were playing, and Stabler said, even if they were playing, I think our defense, the 3-4 defense that they had was playing so well. They wouldn't have beat us that day. I can't cosign on that.

I called up Bartnick, talked to him about it. That was actually, believe it or not, that team that year was the best stealer team. That's what people say. And they could have actually won three in a row, but the injury bug hit them, which cleared the way. That little stupid fucking roughing-the-passer call, and then the two injuries to the Steelers cleared the way. And of course, the Raiders being a great team also, but just the amount of fucking luck that you need. And I've always said that that tuck rule is like, the first game, that was just a shit call. The tuck rule, that was just, that was the right call on a stupid fucking rule.

Cos that's a fumble. And you know what's funny? That fucking referee, he's now like 93. I want to interview the guy, if I can find him. I would be nice to him if anybody's listening that knows him. I would love to him. I wouldn't even bring that up. I wouldn't even bring up the fucking game.

I would just want to hear all those stories about, you know, officiating games with Walter Payton and all of these amazing dick butt-kiss and all. Like this whole time when he played was an official, I should say. But he even said that that was a fumble. He goes, oh, that's a fumble. But not according to the rule, it isn't. And the whole point of the rule was to avoid confusion about what was a fumble and what wasn't. But that one little lucky thing that happened to us, you know, Christmas came again, Kent Stabler. I wonder what he thought when he watched that game.

He probably laughed. It's like, ah, there you go. They finally got us back. He just seems like the coolest fucking dude ever. And people listen to podcasts know that I fucking, I love the South and I love Alabama. You know, I don't like a lot of shit, obviously, all the stuff about like racism and the Klan and all that. But I've traveled enough to sit there and I understand that that bullshit where they act like it's just down there, you know, in Boston is fucking ridiculous. So anyways, I like it down there.

I like the pace down there. It's a beautiful fucking state. And it's fun to read about someone that really enjoys it down there. And he was talking about how during the off season, he'd go down and he had a place right down on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. You know, they called it the Redneck Riviera. There's a few places that they call Redneck Riviera, but that was one, you know, that they called. And he bought this fucking zillion dollar boat, like big ass boat with whatever money he was making back then. So it was tens of thousands of dollars, which was a ton of fucking money back then.

And he was talking about being on there and him and his buddy splitting a bottle of Johnny Walker Red. Not even black. Definitely not blue. If they even had blue, I don't know when blue came out, but I did. And he said that or an ice cold Budweiser. And I was like, this guy, I would have loved to a fucking hung out with that guy because I gotta admit, like I've tried, you know, fancy liquor and fancy beers and all that. But there's just certain ones. It's like child sense memory when you eat McDonald's.

You know what? You know, it's not good for you. You know, you're going to feel like shit. But when you smell it and you're eating it, it takes you back to when your parents took you there when you were a kid. You didn't have a care in the world. There's like alcohol like that for me. And it's Michelobelite, the first thing I ever got a buzz off of. And then Miller High Life, to me, always reminds me of drinking with Joe Bartnick.

And whenever we're drinking them, we're always having the best fucking time. And, and then any sort of like, I don't know, whiskeys and shit like that just reminds me of Ursy, Lawhead, Bartnick, the whole fucking, all those fucking knuckleheads that I hang out with. It's a great book. I highly recommend it. And speaking of books, you can pre-order hard to handle. That's the book that Steve Gorman of the Black Rose wrote. And I got to tell you, if you are not a fan of the Black Rose, you're not a fan of music. If you're not a fan of reading, you're still going to love this book.

That's how I'm fucking amazing this book is. It's like, just holds nothing back. You know, I was reading this shit and I'm just like, I can't imagine him telling his wife any more than he's telling me. He just fucking let it fly. And if shit was going good with the band, he talked about how awesome it was. If it was going like shit, he just went like shit. And this guy was a fucking asshole and I wanted to kill him. Phenomenal books called Hard to Handle.

I tweeted out the link. Definitely give it a... Yeah, it's a great fucking read. So look at me with all the summertime reads here. Hard to Handle by Steve Gorman. I'm reading the Ken Stabler book. I forget the name of the book. It's got the Raider helmet.

He's got ice in there with like a Budweiser or Stroze and something else. He's using it as like a cooler. And Joe Barton, it got me the book because he's a class fucking act. And that's it. That's it for the podcast. I hope you guys are having a great week. Have a wonderful weekend. You cunts. Thank you to everybody that came out to the St. George Theater in Staten Island.

I will definitely be back. I am beyond sold on Staten Island. I love it. It's definitely going to be a tour stop next year when I get this new hour together. If not sooner, man. Some of those venues just have the magic and that one definitely did. So I will definitely be back. All right, that's the podcast.

Enjoy the music. A little musical interlude here and then we'll have another half an hour, a little bonus episode of Grace Hits, I should say, over Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend. Have a great weekend. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 11th, 2011.

See that? Look at me. Two 11's and I blew right through it. No problems whatsoever. I think this is going to be a good podcast. All right. So here we are. It's another Monday.

It's another Monday. Do you know where your dreams are? I am going out of my fucking mind this week, people, as opposed to the other weeks when I'm so relaxed and chilled and realizing what's important in life this week, believe it or not, I'm a little off the Zen path, if you can believe it. I've been in my fucking apartment all goddamn day and I realized today after being in my apartment the entire fucking day,

because my girl had the car. All right. You know, it's how I'm living my life, debt free. I could go out and get another one. You know, you think I'm not a big shot? You think I couldn't go out there and go get myself a fucking mercury monarch? Put some rims on that bitch. You think I can't live like that?

I choose not to. Okay, because it's obnoxious. I don't flaunt my ability to get mercury's answer to the Ford Granada. Actually, I would go out on a limb and say the mercury was a little bit better, because as far as the lineage goes, the mercury back in the day anyways, was for a man who was making a little more money and wanted to stick with the Lincoln Ford product, right? Did I lose all the lace on that one?

Did I? Well, that's good. Anyway, so I've been in the fucking apartment all fucking day. And I don't know, I just realized I not only... I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You know what, I could never work on a submarine. You ever see those things about those sailors? Sailors who, uh, they join the Navy, right?

A lot of people don't know, like, people who join the Navy. They're already sailors. You already have to be a sailor before you go into the Navy. I don't know if you guys knew that. You gotta show up, okay? You already have to have your little outfit on with the little hat, you know? You gotta come in there, dressed like Popeye, at least one anchor tattoo,

and then you gotta do a little dance with a mop. And if you do it, you move on to the next round. And on the next round, what do you gotta do? You gotta do something else, something with a pipe. I can't remember. You start smoking a pipe, and then you eat a can of spinach, and then you're in. That's how it works.

I know a lot of you thinking, like, Bill, you know, technically we're still at war. Uh, you know, why are you making fun of that branch of the military? And I'll tell you why, because that's the safest one to be in. I said this before, and I'll say it again, a long time ago, I said it on the Uninformed show with Joe DeRosa, the, uh, teen idol sensation from the Opian Anthony program. I said it a long fucking time ago. There has not been any great naval battle footage since World War II.

Alright? So basically, if you want to have, you know, the ability later on in your life, when you're an old man, and you're acting like a total douche, and people are calling on it, calling you on it, and you want to be able to be like, I was a veteran! I'm a veteran! If you want to be able to yell that, and not have to worry about your safety, you join the Navy.

I mean, that's the way to go. And if you don't believe me, I have a lot of listeners, I believe, in the Army, in the Marines, in the Air Force, that would gladly send me emails to tell me, to agree with me, that that is, that's the coward's way out. I'm just fucking with you. Alright, before you fucking call Fox News, and they can be,

you know, only those people on TV with jowls. People who always question people's patriotism, always seem to have jowls, if you notice that. Oh my years! Anyways, yeah, I've been in this fucking apartment all goddamn day long, and I'm going absolutely nuts, and I want to go out tonight, okay? I want to fill the wind in what's left of my hair.

I'm going to hang my head out the window, like fucking Ace Ventura, and I'm going to drive my quiet hybrid down the street. Okay, this is the kind of life I live, people. You know, you too could be in show business, and live this sort of rock-style lifestyle. Rock-star lifestyle, I say rock-style lifestyle. You know what, Bill?

Why do you even bother? You know what, fuck you, why do you even listen? Why is it always on me? This is what I did this week, people. I came home, and I don't know what the fuck I was supposed to do, but I walked into my bathroom, and I saw that I had a leaky faucet, and immediately I got excited,

because I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god, there is a problem. Alright, there's a problem, and I know how to fix it. I know how to fix that, motherfucker. All I do is I unscrew that little thing, that the faucet handle pops right off, and then right underneath it's that thing that looks like a fucking spot plug, right?

Pull that thing out, there's a little washer, you take it out, you stick a new one in, bam, and you reverse the process. I've done it. I've done it like five times, since I've been in this apartment, and by five I probably mean two, but we're gonna say five.

Reality was probably two, but I feel like I've done it like five times. So I walk in there, bringing my little toolbox, it's like a thing. I bring it in, that little red one, little fire engine red toolbox, and I come walking in, looking like the puppet that I look like,

and I open it up, grab my Allen wrenches, unscrew that little fucking thing, and here I am. Took the screw out, I did everything right. I put the towel right up down in the sink, right over the drain mouth, so I wouldn't lose it down there. I put the screw right where I knew it was gonna be,

right in the little area where I brushed my teeth. Everything's going well so far, all systems go. So I unscrew the fucking thing, right, everything's good, and I go to take the handle off. Lo and behold, it won't come off. Seems a little fussy.

So I start jiggling it a little bit, I start tugging at it, I go, wait a minute, Bill, wait a minute. Let's not break anything, and turn this easy repair into something bigger. So what do I do? I go onto YouTube. Already getting embarrassed, going, I already know how to fix this fucking thing.

I was gonna show off that I know how to do this, so my girl could be like, oh my god, you're so, you're funny, and you're handy, right, and it would just fill up my ego. So I go on the fucking YouTube, how to fix the leaky faucet, and every motherfucker on there,

they're unscrewing a little screw, the handle pops right off, and they're on to the job. So I'm like son of a bitch. There's some sort of gunk in there, so I start tugging it a little fucking harder. And in the back of my head, it keeps going, don't do this,

it's gonna break, don't do this. I start looking at it going, did I take a wrench out? Was there something else I had to fucking unscrew? I just can't figure it out. Finally, what happens? I lose my temper, and I go, I'm yanking this motherfucker off.

Right, what happens? Snap the goddamn handle. Snap the fucking thing off. Like halfway down, part of the threads are in there. It's this old vintage fucking faucet handle. So I had this simple goddamn job. Oh, halfway through, I called my fucking dad, too,

to figure out how to do it. And I was already pissed. Which is funny, isn't that funny when you call somebody at midway through a job? You know, he's just hanging out, he's just like, hello? I'm like, yeah, it's Bill. The faucet, and he's just like, jeez, easy, easy.

You know, you just hit the ground running, screaming at him. You know, what you want to do there, Bill, is you want to unscrew. And I'm like, I fucking did that already. I already did that. I tried to do it, and he go, I'll jiggle it. I jiggled it. You know, and I yelled at him so much,

he started getting mad. He's like, well, fucking call a plumber. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking call a plumber I'm like, oh god damn leaky. Fucking faucet. He's like, well, I don't know what to tell you. I said, fine, I'll call you later. He goes, all right, goodbye.

You know? So that was the upside of it. I got a little father-son quality time in there. So what do I do? I say, fuck this. I got a goddamn screwdriver. I'm going, what step did I miss? What did I do?

Did I just push this up here? Fucking miss. So as you know, as always, my temper does me in. And what do I do? I fucking yank this thing off. It snaps off. And now I still have a leaky faucet and I have half a goddamn handle.

So of course, you know, the male ego, I can't say anything to my girl, right? I just fucking walk out. Head down, defeat. You know what I look like? I look like fucking Peyton Manning in the third quarter of a playoff game. I get my chin strap

and I'm already looking for somebody to throw under the bus to blame it on, right? I start blaming my landlord because he likes everything all fucking old. Rather than just, you know, putting the blame on my shoulders and being a fucking leader. So like I said, I walk out of there.

That's the only thing I was missing was a Peyton Manning jersey as I walk out my stupid sweaty forehead. And I just walk out and I wait for Nia to discover it. Right? And she comes in and she knows I've been flipping out.

She heard me yell at my dad about a washer, you know, stupid fucking another three minutes of my life I'll never get back because of my dumb ass temper. And she goes in and immediately comes out. She's like, what happened to the sink?

Are you halfway through the job? Nope, it's done, sweetie. Still leaks. And now there's half a handle. Anything else you need me to go take care of? Here I am, the man about the house.

So anyway, so I've gone on, I've gone on eBay, I've gone everywhere. I'm trying to find, it's not a really unique faucet handle. It's just an older one. I'm not a respect for the guy who owns this place. I want to get a new one.

Does anybody, any podcast listener know where I can find, do they have old, is there a is there a Fred Sanford house out here that just will have a bunch of old faucet handles? That's what I need to know. I have pictures of my damaged faucet handle

up on the the mmpodcast.com the official fan page of the Monday morning podcast and once again, it's www.themmpodcast.com people seem to be having problems sometimes finding it and anybody out there

that knows how to do it, if you can look at it and tell me where I went wrong I even took a picture of the goddamn screw where I unscrewed it. What else would be holding it in? I don't understand it. Obviously you don't understand it, Bill. You fucking broke it. So I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed. That's one of the first things I learned how to do in plumbing and I was beyond excited. I probably talked about it three years ago on the podcast for those of you searching in the archives. I don't want to this is a lot but

what kills me about that is that is a microcosm of my life. It's like there's an obstacle I learn how to defeat it and then I walk away and I completely forget everything that I've learned and then fucking

six months later I'm in the same situation I lose my temper and the thing blows up in my face. And, you know, I'm 43 years old so who's kidding who? Wouldn't you say I'm beyond the halfway point in my life? You gotta think that. I mean, 86 years.

You know? That's long enough for a curse, everybody. I think I'm going to make it into my 90s. And I want to hear everybody talking about my temper and how it's causing high blood pressure. Go fuck yourself. I go for hikes.

That's how I even it off. That's how I level it off. Speaking of curses, by the way I saw something I'm submitting jokes to an awards show the Espeys trying to get some jokes on there and so I've been reading all this sports stuff

you know just everything, every fucking article I could come up with and evidently somebody on ESPN was announcing the Cleveland Indians Yankees game on a Saturday night and they did the usual montage of Cleveland misery sports

which is not even being a Cleveland fan. I can pretty much say what they are. It's the Michael Jordan shot. I don't know who it's over some fucking white guy of course and he jumps up and he's doing the fist pump it's the John Elway drive it's the fumble. Was it

Ernest Beiner? I don't know who the fuck it was. Fumble and it was the last time the Indians won it. 1948, is that what it is? That's pretty much it in a microcosm and then I guess they added LeBron James leaving. So all these

Cleveland fans started giving this ESPN guy shit for Trash and Cleveland and saying that ESPN has a bias against Cleveland and that it's a lazy journalism and all this type of shit and

blah blah blah blah and I gotta tell you there's only one way you're gonna stop it coming from a fucking Boston fan where I had to watch that goddamn Buckner fucking replay a zillion goddamn times. I went to

a Tampa Bay Devil Rays game and they chatted 1918 at me they did it at the Philly stadium all that type of shit it was just you know the Bucky dead homerun the whole goddamn yeah basically you gotta win a championship or they're never gonna stop showing it

and I hate to tell you what you already know but you guys considering the White Sox you know you'd think it was Chicago after Boston finally won something you know you would think that maybe it would be

Chicago but they I was thinking they got the bulls they have the bears they got the White Sox and then the Blackhawks just wanted so it's kind of you guys you know this is off the top of my head I think the last championship you won was 64

you won an NFL title so you gotta expect to get some shit I feel for you and you know remember when I said that I was gonna I retired as a sports fan I retired like Jay-Z as a sports fan after the Bruins

won the Stanley Cup because I've seen all four in my lifetime and and within the last seven years so I'm done it's never gonna get any better I'm walking away from the Blackjack table I'm up I'm going back to my room I might order a hooker you know

get a little fuck I can't say that you know whatever it's my Catholic upbringing even though I still don't believe in the shit I always stop short on a lot of the sex jokes you know oh jeez yeah I walked away so I am now a

fan of cities that need a championship and I root for your fucking teams that's what I'm doing from here on out the rest of it I don't give a shit you know unless it's like New York fans it just never can be sympathetic

to New York fans because they just feel they just feel that they're successful just because they don't even live in New York City they just live near it and that includes New Jersey and they listen to that stupid song if I can make it there

I'm gonna make it anywhere and they think really let me ask you this why don't you look in the mirror and see your mantits pushing through your New York Jets jersey let me ask you a question are you really making it there

you know I don't think you could make it in fucking Idaho why is it so hard to make it in New York you got fucking everything there it's fucking easy living go live in Idaho when your friends are just sitting there trying to make

a pipe bomb out of a fucking potato or whatever the hell it is they do out there you want to go live out there they're tough New Yorker you're a bunch of cunts so actually I have a new favorite baseball team I'm always gonna root for the Red Sox if they're in the playoffs go fuck yourself I have to have that loyalty

but I'm actually paying more attention to the Pittsburgh Pirates because that was my favorite team when I was a kid you know remember that shit 1979 you remember that I fucking love that team and you know

I was still fucking devastated after the Bucky dead home run that was a year later that was a nice kick in the fucking 10 year old seeds welcome to being a Boston sports fan you know Bucky dead home run

fortunately I was too young to remember that horseshit roughing the passer call we played the Oakland Raiders which is why I always laugh when I hear raider fans crying about the tuck rule that was payback was payback just like when we rescued France in fucking World War 2

we weren't doing them a favor that was payback when they fucking saved our asses from the goddamn cozy smug cunts over there in England anyways you guys want to hear something fucking hilarious this is a new topic that I want to introduce onto the podcast

this is something that I noticed you ever just been sitting at home watching something by yourself okay and you're watching something that isn't supposed to be funny and inadvertently it's fucking hilarious and you just

wish you could share it with other people well with today's technology people you can why is the bed sliding away from the fucking wall here hang on a second this is my bed I have no headboard on my bed do you understand that people this is how you

live a debt free lifestyle okay I have fucking goddamn pillow jam pillow you can never say that word I say P P L L O I have white sheets that are gray you know by the way overrated

white socks three washes they're fucking gray I don't give a fuck how much bleach you pour in there you open the goddamn dryer door it looks like a fucking overcast day and just depresses the shit out of you

all right underrated black socks all right like Angus Young and fucking Michael Jordan all right so here we go so you're sitting alone here's the new topic you're sitting alone minding your own fucking business you're watching something that's not supposed to be funny and then out of no

way they just say something fucking hilarious and you laugh your ass off and you're like goddamn it I wish there was other people here so they could have enjoyed that too we could have had a nice laugh well with today's technology people you can especially if you buy an Olympus LS 10 like I have

are they up to the LS 11 yet how about you assholes fucking advertise on this podcast huh there's my sales pitch um anyways I noticed this I remember bringing this up a long time ago I was watching one of those murder

shows I always watch the murder shows the trials the shit on serial killers the jails I watch all that shit and I was watching one one time and it was about these two serial killers and uh that actually joined forces like

Batman and Robin and one of them had already committed murders and then he moved to another city and that's where he meets the other serial killer and that Bill Curtis guy or something's doing the narration and when he describes the one serial killer meeting his new friend they go

he then moved on to wherever and he goes there he met a sometimes transvestite no a there he there he met yeah a sometimes transvestite and pyromaniac I still remember where I was I butchered the line I still remember where I was when I

fucking heard that I was actually working the improv in Tempe Arizona and I was sitting in the hotel bed after doing two tremendous shows of course not to pat myself on the back I always have a good time out there right and then I was watching

that and Bill Curtis and I turned on the TV and I caught like two minutes before and that's when Bill Curtis just went there he met a sometimes transvestite and pyromaniac and I burst it out laughing by myself and I was like god damn it I wish someone else could have enjoyed that so with that

set up people here's the one that I saw today I was watching this shit on Christ I just closed the fucking window what the hell is wrong with me I was watching this show called behind mansion walls and it was all about these rich guys it was

basically about rich guys who were divorcing women and they didn't want to give them any money and then they would kill them and then because they had so much money it was kind of this 50-50 as to whether they got away with it or not which was uh you know

added to the tension of watching it but was also really fucking disturbing because these guys could you know this one guy paid 13 million dollars to his lawyer and of course the guy gets them off he got that kind of money you can buy your way out of a problem just like the fucking New York Yankees

they're never gonna suck again I don't give a shit how many Karl Pavano's they sign they got enough money to walk away from it and sadly so to the Red Sox I know we're part of the problem but whatever so I'm watching this show behind mansion walls

and the guy you know we're 13 million dollars whatever he pays his lawyer 13 million dollars and he fucking uh what the hell is this goddamn clip I don't know whatever so it's part of their defense thing where the hell is it

are you shitting me why do I do this oh here it is this is something this was a person describing his ex-wife uh some other rich person within the town that believed the rich guy

was innocent and this is I don't know this is a show about some poor woman who lost her life because this fucking asshole uh you know you're going through a divorce dude like you know why don't you spend 13 13 million on a divorce lawyer

I'm sure you'll be able to keep most of your goddamn money you fucking moron you know I mean God knows you know the history of this podcast that I am all about you know I'm always defending the guys how bad guys get fucked over in uh

in fucking divorces Jesus Christ could I meander anymore through this why don't I just play the goddamn clip so this this lady his next door neighbor is talking about the uh some girl who's gonna testify against this guy who paid his lawyer

13 million dollars and this is a really serious show and I'm on the edge of my seat going fuck is this guy gonna get away with this shit and this is what the lady said here it is let's that's the way they edited it ah Jesus I'm trying to shut this fucking thing off

that's what she said they thought that she was a whore and then they cut to the fucking lady who's just called a whore in trial going that is not true and I fucking burst it out laughing and I was like god damn it I want to share that with some

people and you know it's funny halfway through that I started losing confidence whether it's even funny because I did such a bad job setting it up why the fuck did it I'm the worst I took the wrong one that's why that's why what is that

ah I'm the worst you know I you know what I've had just about enough of my fucking unprofessional I gotta get somebody in here to help me out with this shit you know which better this podcast would be if I actually had somebody sitting here and I just had him playing the goddamn

clip I gotta start fucking doing that shit I really do and this is not me asking for you guys to send me emails I already have somebody that I'm going to use okay I don't want people going I live in New Hampshire but I could fly out there if you paid for the ticket I'm not into that I appreciate

the help alright so I tried something new this week I actually printed out some stuff rather than so I wouldn't have to text my way not text my way through this sit here and Jesus Christ I can't even multitask here I'm trying to explain what I'm doing

as I'm setting this fucking thing up why don't I just get this podcast it's just gone off the goddamn rails this overhead light is making me sweat like this fat fuck I just saw in that man versus food he's actually challenging other fatties

to go out there and they went to Boston I gotta tell you man I hate to say this being from Boston but there are some ugly sons of bitches in Boston it's just there's no happy medium they're either good looking or fucking this dude

he looked like a pelican he had this giant fucking chin I just it was ah god in the skanks in the background cheering him on as he's eating it was a six pound burger they were trying to eat and

you know for those of you who suck at math that's like 24 quarter pounders with cheese minus the bun I guess the bun was no no they had a bunch of little patties so if you just ate one bun and then you ate 24 of those fucking patties

and these fatties are fucking chopping their way through it so anyways I don't even know why the fuck I went into that yeah but why don't you make fun of fat people once again alright let's plow ahead here somebody actually sent me this this link here

it said bill you may have more influence than you realize now I realize that I didn't have an influence on this but this makes me happy it says major grocery grocery are getting rid of self check out lanes all those years you guys seen my specials I've been going off on those things saying how

you're basically you're just working for free and putting a fellow American out of business um out of work I should say it says one of the nation's major grocery store chains is eliminating self check out lanes in an effort to encourage more human

contact with its customers isn't it hilarious when a corporation tries to lie how they try and spin it I'm gonna go with they didn't work I'm gonna go with the reason why they're doing it is because people were stealing too much food

or the average human being was too stupid to figure out how to do it no matter how much they explained to it explained it to them so rather than just admitting defeat they try to spit it in this positive way rather than just coming out

yeah you know we tried to explain it to them but you know the amount of mouth breathers out there is just absolutely it's catastrophic and it didn't make it cost effective we just realized that we would be explaining these things until the end of time or

they would come out and just be like we've ascertained that of the 24,000 carton of eggs that were on the shelf only 18,973 were paid for so we're gonna go back to the

human way of doing these things if there's any questions you can go fuck yourself because I'm walking away from the podium so this is basically how they spin it one of the nature is major grocery store chains is eliminating self check out lanes in an effort to encourage more human contact with its customers

come Santa Claus Albertsons which operates 217 stores in 7 western and southern states will eliminate all self check out lanes in the 100 stores that have them and will replace them with standard

or express lanes a spokeswoman said here comes some more bullshit from the Albertsons people we just want the opportunity to talk to customers more that's the driving motivation no it isn't no it isn't you lying

fucking talking head you know what I think it is I bet it was when you went through there please you guys by the way present your theories I bet when you went through there that people weren't using their little savey save cards

they weren't using something they weren't getting enough information it's one of those three you know we just wanted the opportunity to talk to the customers more they want to fucking worm their way in there this is what you do so just go to that place use their thing and don't talk to the person behind the counter

or talk to them but stop short of giving them any sort of personal information we have your phone number no no you can't they usually just say can we have a phone number so just give them one 916452 1234 go fuck yourself

privately held Albert Albertsons operates in Arizona Colorado Florida Louisiana New Mexico Texas and Utah the move does not affect stores operated by the grocery giant super value which operates more than

450 Albertsons you motherfucker including southern California god dammit well you know what these are privately owned ones so maybe that this could actually be a good thing maybe that's why they did maybe they actually wanted more human contact you know would help if I actually read these halfway

through so let me change my bitching to see yes see the big corporate guys they don't give a fuck they're still trying to fucking make you work for free but these nice privately owned ones oh god douche bag of the week me for not reading that whole fucking thing all right well that's a good thing though that's a good thing I

like it I like that they're going back to human context so there you go maybe some people get some goddamn jobs out there all right this podcast is completely off the rails here let's uh let's plow ahead here and let's go with some some advice for the week

uh hey bill I've been talking to this chick who I met on this random chatting site for about three months now we talk almost all the time over instant messenger she told me that she lives in New York but she's originally from here Los Angeles I never video or voice

chatted with her but she sent me pictures of what she looked like oh Jesus uh the thing that bothers me is every time I bring up the subject of video chatting or voice chatting with her she gets real pissy and changes the subject on a side note

mostly the reason I want to video chat with her or voice chat with her is because I'm still on the fence on whether or not it's a dude what but the thing that makes me doubt that it is

what okay on the side note mostly I'm on the fence on whether or not it's a dude but the thing that makes me doubt that is that she always texts me in the morning to wake up and chat with her on

IM people please write in complete sentences well about two weeks ago she agreed to video chat but the thing is she usually gets home around 3 or 4 am her time which is 12 or 1 here that day that day I was exhausted from work

so I fell asleep the thing I found odd was that she didn't even text me when she got home and she always does not saying I was I forced her to text me because I'm not some clingy cunt when I asked her why she didn't text me she said cause she didn't want to wake me but she always

seems to text me and wakes me with the text saying wake up or 1 or 2 at 1 or 2 am so I let that go the next week she says that she wants to voice chat with me then 5 minutes later she says she has to go

and that will voice chat when she gets home which is around 12 am here I stayed up and not once did she sign on or on so I called it quits around 3 am Jesus Christ dude why don't you just watch some porn jerk off and go to bed and fucking

forget this this god damn what's behind door number 4 why are you doing this to yourself I'm not even done with this and I already have a solution watch porn and jerk off and go talk to people in a bar um anyways let's

let's get through this then when I asked her what happened and if she wanted to chat she avoided the question and got pissed off so I finally said fuck this I'm done and I blew her off do you think I should let this go and stop talking to this chick I think I already answered this or do you think I'm just blowing this out of proportion

one last thing you should know is that me and this person talked for hours at a time and I'm really not sorry for this long message cause I'm paying to go see you in Irvine during your Thursday show so there you go hope you get back to me thanks uh yeah dude

there's like there was already like 3 major red flags in here first of all you're talking about distance it seems um she lives in New York you live in LA so that's not gonna fucking work out you gotta stay up to all hours of the goddamn night

waiting to talk to her so that's not gonna work out and then she doesn't want to do the video chat so most likely the photo she sent you was probably when she looked her best is what I'm guessing

and then you threw in there it might be a dude so I really don't think you need my advice here alright so I don't think you need a long distance relationship with some fat transvestite there you go there you are sir

you dodged a bullet in 9 years of therapy alright Bill I'm a big fan of the podcast alright here we go my boyfriend and I have been dating exclusively for about 8 months now and things are getting alright there's just one little hiccup

that I was hoping you could help with a few months back I told my boyfriend that when we were first started dating I also went on a date with another guy it was just a concert and a little good night kissing and then we went our separate ways at the time I was recently single

and I was exploring my option but didn't feel much of a connection with the second guy and he never really showed much of an interest back so there wasn't much contact after the date okay you've left that open ended alright we work at the same company but entirely different offices so we do run into each other from time to time

and have casual hallway chit chat oh my god I swear to god women if you were a little bit bigger you'd be the greatest major league fucking catchers of all time the way you can frame your fucking bullshit

and make it look better than it really is that was clearly a ball outside and you just frame that into a nice little strike there didn't you there wasn't much contact after the date there wasn't much interest we had just started dating we work at the same company

but it's different offices we do run into each other time to time for just a little chit chat gee oh jesus alright here we go I told my boyfriend about this and he forgave me and said he understood and all was well until recently guy number two

number two how pathetic poetic is that the piece of shit number two asked me out again about two months ago and I politely declined and said I was seeing someone else now he backed off and that was the end of that

in an effort to be open and honest I would have normally kept this to myself I told my boyfriend about it alright as always I haven't read this whole thing but why would you do that okay you know if you truly don't have feelings for that fucking guy

who gives a fuck don't say anything okay you think your boyfriend hasn't gone out and the local whore at the bar who just got her tits done and wanted to show him to everybody like she got her nails did right didn't pull her titty out you know

he doesn't need to tell you that because he wants to keep going down there drinking with his friends he doesn't give a fuck it's some shit you know you can keep to yourself so anyways she goes I told my boyfriend about it now he keeps asking me to retell the date story

and flat out tells me he thinks I'm lying he thinks something more happened and he said from a man's perspective there is just no way this guy goes on a date with me gets a kiss and then leaves me alone there's something you're not telling me he said

I've told my boyfriend that there just wasn't a connection conversation was a little awkward in force the kiss wasn't great etc etc but he's still very suspicious I'm wondering if there is anything I can say to put his mind at ease no

no you fucked up you fucked up by telling him that look at all the details how openly you open ended you've left this stuff where it's like you know I went on a date when we first started seeing each other you know because we weren't

official and then you say there wasn't much contact after the date so that means there was some contact I guess you're saying the contact was that you work at the same company but it's different offices so you run into each other from time to time so it's casual

hallway chit chat is that what it is this is kind of vague um so anyways she says I'm tempted to show him my own old phone bills to prove how many texts were sent back and forth to make him feel like an asshole

I think that's a good move you shouldn't make him like what you should do is to clear your own name he's not the asshole in this you are or you're naive because you first of all you told him that you went on another date

while you guys are first seeing each other he forgave you for all that shit even though you made out with this guy at work he looks the other fucking way and then you come home with this shit like like what did you think that you were gonna what

what did you think it was gonna do other than make him feel insecure and jealous and uh I know there's probably a lot of ladies listening right now and be like well that's the thing see guys it's so fucking insecure you can't even be honest shut up

so are you if you fucking just started dating some dude and he gets all honest he goes yeah I also you know went on a date with some chick from work we made out but it was kind of awkward and whatever I run into her from time to time right and then you say fine no biggie and then a few months in this relationship

he brings up that she comes back into the picture and starts fucking uh you know comes back in the picture and asks if you know if he'd like to go out on a drink with her and have a drink with her you know on a drink with her go out and have a date with her you know

no go out on a date or have a drink with her god damn it I'm fucked um you'd have a problem with that right so anyways she said I guess I'm mostly frustrated because he's accusing me of lying and this about this innocent event

I should just play along answer his question till he drops it oh should I just play along I've told him that the constant questioning bothers me and I don't like it being accused of lying at him from time to time so I feel like it's an issue we'll keep coming up until something changes do you think over time

he'll just let it go and eventually believe me what should I do alright I just okay first and foremost I'm gonna open the fucking window because I don't give a shit if you guys can hear the traffic it's too god damn hot hey slow down there's kids out here um

anyways in the future if that guy makes advances at you and you don't give a fuck you honestly don't give a fuck don't bring it up to your boyfriend because all you're doing is just gonna make him jealous and you're gonna make him feel insecure

that there's guys out he knows that there's guys out there trying to fuck his girlfriend he doesn't need to hear about it why would you do that to him alright and at this point you know I would just say that what you've been telling me that if you truly believe this

because part of me is thinking that you did this to make him feel jealous so you could feel fucking attractive and then he flipped out and now it's got a little out of your control here so now you want to hear you know

you're looking for some sort of sympathy from somebody else part of me is thinking that but you actually I don't know something about you kind of seem like a nice person so I'm gonna believe you here so I would actually get your phone bills and show it to him and just say I'm guilty of being too fucking honest I'm sorry

and I think I think it'll be alright it might be alright you know I have no fucking idea I just don't know why women I don't know why they do shit like that they seem to do that

ah Jesus Christ Bill why do you lump all women into everything are you ever gonna get past your fucking issues alright let's move on to the next one you know I'm really just having enough with the whole me always trashing women it's getting tired

I'm sick of doing it so to balance out the podcast you know what we're gonna do I'm gonna bring in a special guest I'm gonna bring in a fucking lady the wonderful Nia as always putting up with me and my bullshit

and I'll fuck you okay I do a lot of stuff dude you can't even be nice for like two minutes because I'm sitting there I'm trying to open up and say that I know that I'm a jerk and then you have to like I hate when I hate that

I hate when someone goes like when they're actually going like listen I was wrong I shouldn't have done X, Y and Z and the person goes uh huh and just makes you want to do it again that just means that I'm listening just so full of shit Nia please don't do this

I'm trying to get over my issues that I have with women and what you're doing is you're feeding right into them do I really it doesn't take much that's true but do I really have to listen back to the way you went uh huh how you just did that at least that's the way I heard it at least that's alright

I brought you in here because you done? yeah I'm done great you know what just to make you feel better I'm getting sick of me my tired fucking views join the rest of us oh fuck you alright here we go

this is the advice the advice okay and this is from a woman here and I really need your advice on this one because I just some woman just wrote in and actually I'm feeling bad already because I think she was kind of nice and I immediately just started trashing her which really had nothing to do with her

really had to do with me and the issues that I have is this this letter or something previous no that was the previous one if you were listening to what I said a few seconds ago did you apologize? did you apologize? did you admit that you felt that maybe it had more to do with your issues

than what she wrote? yeah and that was a very nice segue to coming in here so are you happy now? I am did I do the right thing? yeah that's great alright here we go so here's this lady this lady writes in here a bit of advice here I need a bit of advice here I feel guilty

I feel as though I am the friend Jesus let me start over I feel as though I'm really having a rough time get it together baby I feel as though I am the friend that breaks up romance I feel guilty that I am the one who caused

problems to the relationships of my guys friends I'm not sure what it is but I think my friends talk to me more than they talk to their women and jealousy develops oh my god let me finish purely factual I know I was better looking

wait but I wouldn't say I'm Megan Fox either I have been compared to Katie Perry I guess she's pretty too but whatever are you fucking serious? no she really wrote that and I butchered it the way I read it now I'm in a situation

that I don't know what to do with two of my friends guys seem to be flirting with me all the time saying things that I see as a guy would only say to his girlfriend I'm not really a flirty person I'm a good listener

but talk a lot so conversations are never dull is it me or does that just say that she dresses like a fucking hottie and stares it towards sex I'm reading the rest of this because then I want to unload I need to unload

I was told twice after my friends broke their relationships off with their girlfriends that their girlfriends were jealous of me what do you expect? of course we're going to have our inside jokes and lots in common I have strong friendships and have known

my friends usually longer than they have known their girlfriends I actually am pretty lucky when it comes to guys I'm always treated like a princess which I adore of course partially because I'm not a horny slut who chooses hot guys who are assholes just to fuck

the downside I'm not making this up the downside of it all is I always feel bad about the whole situation about the whole situation so I never get into relationships myself so I thought I would ask you

for your viewpoint in addition to my girlfriends what's your opinion should I draw myself back or go with the flow and then see what happens PS I know your answer is going to be rude and bias but it's okay I get a kick out of it what does that mean go with her

I think she's talking about she said back off go with the flow I think she's talking about I can't tell if she's talking about letting yourself go to get into a relationship or she should back off her guy friends when they have

girlfriends you know what I have this to say to this girl and I'm going to refer to this person as a girl because only a girl would be so blatantly narcissistic and manipulative and then have the balls to act like

she doesn't understand why the other girls don't like her okay you know exactly what you're doing what is she doing you're being a manipulative little narcissist it has to be the center of attention and the other girls know that you're doing this that's why they don't like you

they're not jealous of you they see exactly the kind of girl that you are and let me guess you're the kind of girl that girls are bitches and like will back stab you so I just like hang out with guys and have like a beer or whatever because I don't care you know what I mean

she's one of those girls and the reason that is is because you are everything that most women hate but you're too dumb to realize that you are the one that's doing it let me guess so you hang out with all these guys your guy friends that are like confiding

in you and being oh so flirty with you you're hanging around this guy but I have a feeling that you suck out all the air out of a room anytime you're around so whatever girl they're around immediately hates you because we hate women like you and you're throwing

around enough of a whiff of pussy to have them follow you around because in typical guy fashion some of them are just too fucking stupid and they're hanging on to this hope that you're actually going to fuck them and you're doing this because you

even though you're a narcissist you have all this self loathing like you don't feel like you can get a good guy and I'm not buying the I'm really lucky with guys they treat me like princess and I adore so why aren't you in a relationship why don't you have a boyfriend why are you always hanging out

with other people's boyfriends why don't you get your own man Jesus Christ and back the fuck off you would get an applause break on every talk show all you needed to end that with and you need to get a job I cannot stand girls like this so let me ask you this

this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever I like how she casually throws out how she oh I'm no Megan Fox but I haven't compared to Katy Perry bitch please alright Nia everybody taking care of that topic let me just

if she walks into a bar and okay she's already in the bar or she shows up like if the guys are like oh me and my girlfriend are going down for a fucking brunch and we're gonna watch the game she comes down looks extra cute

extra fucking hot has her tits hanging out and then deliberately does the inside jokes to show that she's closer to them she's that girl absolutely that girl and I'm sure she's you know

I'm sure she's borrowed one of their t-shirts and wears them to one of these things it's like oh my god I totally forgot this is your t-shirt you left it over my house that time yeah okay that's what I thought see you know what

I can't even believe the nerve that email was even written how you trashed her was basically the angle I was gonna trash her but I don't have your insight as a female but what was great about that was it just would have been back to back and I would have come off like an asshole

that was great you actually I feel like I pulled a little sinister move there I got you to do my dirty work oh is that what you think that was tremendous you really you really got me going

I would say you fucking blew the pubes right off her little landing strip that you know she's accidentally showed with her loose fucking shorts um anyways overrated underrated overrated bottled water somebody didn't say why

yeah I think it's overall you know that they just I think they just scoop it out of some fucking pond I think and then they boil it and they stick it into a god damn yeah probably and they leave it in a warehouse for like I've heard for like years

I've heard from people who didn't really investigate it I've overheard them talking about it that they do it for years but who cares it's just fucking water I'll tell you what the problem is it ends up in the ocean what does the bottles yeah even though you put them in the blue trash barrel

we're gonna recycle right you know you know there's no money in recycling really they haven't figured out how to do it and I've seen so many of those investigative reporters you know those guys the reporters who actually do their job and they give a shit

and they follow them they're driving some 72 fucking Caprice classic with like the fucking driver's side door doesn't close unless they tie it to the head rest and they follow these fucking trucks and they bring it to the dump they bring it to dump and some of that shit ends up

in the ocean so I don't know and then they said underrated meatloaf oh meatloaf is awesome yeah I think meatloaf is the shit it is but you know what if it's not made right then it's really fucking terrible then it's like a brick yeah meatloaf

meatloaf is like the Malcolm Young of meats it's just the shit and it's just totally not appreciated and everybody thinks that it's simple like people play guitar think what Malcolm Young does in AC DC is a simple thing

to play something that simple with that much air in between it and get 80,000 people to absolutely lose their fucking minds they think that it's simple meatloaf is the same fucking thing meatloaf everybody thinks I can make fucking meatloaf

have you ever made meatloaf before you have? I have a recipe the best part of the recipe is the very end you take a strip of bacon and you put it right on top oh jeez why don't you make it

I would love to make it I actually believe it or not I enjoy cooking so well and you do it for me and I'm so busy fixing the leaky faucet by the way did you notice that the cold knob doesn't work now?

no it doesn't go look the broken side works but the other side doesn't what happened was I was taking a picture of it from my podcast to show people what it looked like so I had to turn it on so I just turned the water off underneath

all you do is turn it counterclockwise and I'll come back on do you remember when I fixed the faucet I fixed the leaky faucet I don't know what I did and this time I couldn't do it I let my temper get the best of me can you at least tell my podcast listeners how I've at least compartmentalized my temper

I don't lose my shit in the car anymore that's true that's gotten better that was such an effort for you to give me that that was such an effort I used to be like is there anything funnier than somebody in a Prius with fucking

Roydrage and the fact that I'm a redhead Roydrage Roydrage I'm a little fucking tired today I've been fucking up all the words the comedy moments it's just gone what else is overrated and underrated

is that it? bottled water and meatloaf come on well that topic is just sort of gradually dying I don't know why people pretty much got everything that's fucking over oh here's one fathead of the week bringing this one back

John Cougar melon camp that I bring him up before what do you mean? I talk to people all the time about fucking just I quit boozing because I was getting that big Ted Kennedy fucking fathead and

John Cougar melon camp he doesn't have cougar anymore his head's big enough for three names he has a giant fucking squash now he was riding on this Vespa with fucking

Meg Ryan who got her face did I don't know what she did no I went to like oh my god they're just like us.com I don't know where I saw it so she was peeking out behind with her cat eyes that she has now yeah she did

she looked like Madonna in a wind tunnel so she's peeking around his giant fucking head maybe it was just the angle no she has those she got the bed the crush I had on her

did you have a crush on Meg Ryan? I would not think that Meg Ryan is your type but you have weird types and you talk about girls you used to crush on when you were younger I'm always surprised so Meg Ryan Mary Lou Redden she had nice thighs she was a little thicky

I remember my mom was just like she's a little bigger I was like I like that all those other gymnasts that were running around looked like little fucking poodles yeah she had some meat on her bones she was real short she had a nice smile that little Dorothy Hamill hair cut

she was very perky as well she was I had some ideas you want to hear my crushes my crushes when I was a kid let's see here the first one I can remember was Kate Jackson when she was on the rookies oh okay

but she was on Charlie's Angels too right one of the great fucking theme songs of all time Farrah Fawcett of course who else Valerie Bertinelli on one day at a time I had a lot of hacky ones that I crossed the street

when I started watching different strokes and I liked the young Janet Jackson crossed the street crossed the tracks when she played not Penny was good times I didn't like that she was a little fatty on that one

she was a baby and she was not fat she needed to do some laps she needed to run up and down those project stairs that's baby fat anyways listen to me I'm gonna laugh but you weren't listening oh projects are from good times when they lived in the projects

this wasn't funny you weren't listening you were too busy thinking about what you were gonna say if you can do the radio thing you have to listen to the other person so how are you doing it I've heard everything you've said when you were on that rant trashing that woman

you think I didn't have jokes to add to it I was like she's just let her go that's fish on I'll tear herself out and I'll reel her back into the boat that's what I did so no when she played Charmaine who else of course

Tonya Coutain in the fucking white snake video that poor woman I liked Blair for a minute but then I ended up liking Joe Facts of life I was like brunettes

Joe was hotter than Blair are we having a slumber party right now how the fuck did we start talking about this I think Joe was hotter than Blair even though it was presented the other way I just got the entire sex in the city on the laser disc and I have to tell you

I am beyond excited was laser disc good I bet it was fucking phenomenal wasn't it out for like two years and then no one cared anymore no one has laser discs Spielberg people who already made it own that shit

you know he has all that stuff probably played like 20 grand for it too or he got it for free because of course he got it for free what movie was he doing Hook was a big hit alright

so here's the YouTube videos for the week you'd love this one this kid you know those little pageant girls you know that I'm going to bay yeah yeah yeah where's my nene there's somebody who actually got her

talking about getting hairspray in her mouth and they slowed it down so she sounds like a dude oh yeah I saw that fucking hilarious these are all going to be up on the M.M. Podcast by the way and if you want to go on the M.M. Podcast and make a donation to help keep us running here

with our unbelievable overhead actually be giving us money towards the new studio that I hopefully I'll be getting soon just click on the donation button right on the M.M. Podcast it's right underneath the Facebook Twitter and all those

buttons right on the right hand side of the page and let's see here so you know that they have those little kids that the parents get them into those beauty contents which is really fucking creepy why would you do that after that it is it's weird

John Benet Ramsey the floor whatever some sort of hockey name John Benet Ramsey poor baby anyways so there's a boy who competes in these things oh yeah they have the boy they're like little gentlemen pageants

well he refers to himself as a diva oh boy oh jeez and I want you to watch this because I can't figure out if this kid needs a father figure and to be rescued from his mother

his mother is either absolutely crazy or the greatest fucking mom in history because she's either figured out that this kid is gay already and she's totally accepted let's just gay it up and she totally accepted him which is beyond fucking cool

that's probably exactly what it is but with a little stage mom thrown in of course it's probably both because she has another kid in that pageant thing and I found that parents who enter their kids into those pageant things they're a little fucking nuts

there's something a little fucking wrong with putting a kid in that kabuki makeup and dressing her up like a little fucking who was it? yeah no I was going to go with who's the girl who rode Trigger back in the day with Roy Rogers

what? I don't know who it is classic Hollywood way back in the day no that's from way back way back who's Roy Rogers? the chicken guy right?

is he a cowboy? Hollywood cowboy owned the California Angels doesn't he have a chicken place? isn't there a Roy Rogers chicken place? well if it is then fuck him he's sold out alright we're going on to the next one it's gotta make money

Sean Connery that classic clip I remember this when I was a kid when he went on Barbara Walters and he talked about how he thought it wasn't a bad thing to open hands slap your woman when she won't let it go Sean Connery

you know as much as I could never do that to you I gotta tell you there are good moments where I wish that we could rewind society a few years what if I could just snap my fingers

and I was dressed like Robert Fulton and I took off a glove and just slapped you across the face and then snapped my finger right back into the Prius and it was not a goddamn thing you could do about it because when I hit you it was 1850 oh hairspray in the mouth oh here's one for drummers out there

buddy rich watch this video now everybody as far as I've known I've always given credit to Tommy Lee for being the first guy to do the drum set yeah you showed me that this is buddy rich from back in the day going all the way upside down playing

and here's something this is something I wouldn't watch because this is really hippie man this is fish video called you enjoy myself fish the band with the pH

I don't know their music but people love them well this is actually really interesting because I actually saw them perform this song are they good live? they seem like they'd be a good live band if you can get past their annoying fans they're fucking amazed you have to get high with them

and the way they dance that hippie dancing you just sort of like you gotta get high with them that's the thing everyone dances in a circle together and it's a big communal thing anyways so this is called

you enjoy myself for those of you who are into like harder kind of music if you're a musician you'll definitely appreciate this I imagine most people won't be able to get through the 11 minutes but I actually saw them perform this song live and they jump on the little fucking trampolines and

I was blown away by them as musicians but I found their fans I can't blame 100% on them because just for the record the spin doctors were also playing and this is like right at that the doctors were cool for about 30 35 minutes

they came to the Boston Garden oh god this is a fucking story they came to the Boston Garden mm-hmm and it was for the WBCN I don't know I don't know what

but it was right when all the alternative music came in so fish headlined it was the spin doctors and I'm going to leave this open-ended and if you guys want to hear this story because I don't name names on this podcast

but if you'd like to hear this story I would say ask Robert Kelly to tell the story he has a podcast basically a sketch group for some reason they decided it would be a good idea to perform

during a concert on stage and they had a small stage and on the main stage was a huge band fish, spin doctors and whoever the fuck else was there and then they would have these little acoustic sets and out of nowhere

they had this sketch group go on that Bobby Kelly may or may not know the rest of the story it was it was not the right environment and it was amazing because

one of the things that I remembered when they were doing their sketches I think that people didn't realize that they were a sketch comedy group I think that they thought that they were actually a group that was advocating recycling and that they were trying to collect empty water bottles some of them partially full

because when they were doing their jokes people were donating their plastic bottles I got it I got you and you know what I did I stood there and watched it alright um

you probably participated you jerk no I didn't I felt horrible for him I felt fucking horrible for him because if you want to call me baby baby just go ahead now and if you like my fucking red beard just suck my dick now and I don't have anymore

that fucking song is so fucking bad and just when you think it can't get any worse then he goes AHHHHHHHHIT you should've been shot with a crossbow no, don't say that ok I shouldn't say that he's a fellow red-head too

and he looked eerily like that other guy who was on the u.s. soccer team at that time ah what was that other song something about a bitch it's just fucking been a whole lot easier been a whole lot easier since the bitch been gone

little miss little miss little miss can't be wrong did they sing that song? yes and that song I'm a bitch I'm gonna end with this this is one of my old jokes one of my original jokes why are you pointing at me?

because you just reminded me of something that song I'm a bitch and all the women love that song decent jokes I had because when that song came out all the women used to go nuts singing that song and I said I love when that song comes on because you can watch all the loser chicks

trying to pretend they have control of their life and then they would always groan and I would plow through the groan and be like it's kind of like when that song I the tiger comes on and every guy in the bar starts throwing fucking punches like there's something something so I kind of brought it around and actually after pissing the women off

would get them back on my side and I remember thinking like oh that's kind of a cool little trick piss them off, make some pay attention and then you give them the punchline you make it seem like oh I'm going over here but now I'm on this side of the stage wow that's so Machiavellian of you

have you been reading The Art of War? you know something I don't need to be belittled on my own fucking podcast yes you do no you don't, that's a classic female fucking thing now I'm gonna end Trash and Women this is what you guys do you love us, you're supporters

but the second you see us feeling good about ourselves I don't know, I think subpo, let me finish my ignorance you start seeing us feel good about ourselves you get a little insecure like oh my god he's gonna feel good about himself and what is he gonna do is he gonna leave me and think he can do better

let me fucking reel him in a little bit here so you gotta bring me down right there I was telling you a story about yes you did, no I didn't alright we'll leave it with that paranoia, alright hour and ten minutes I think that's a good place to stop hour and ten minutes

guys please help me fix this sink if you know any place out here that has vintage stuff where I can buy it you've really done it this time with that whole thing no I haven't, it's very easy and I'm gonna love about it, everybody's gonna come and help me out but they're gonna help me out in an internet way

which is they're gonna be calling me a fucking moron the entire time they help me they'll be like this subject they'll be like hey dipshit alright fuckface next time you do this if you can fucking figure it out moron well you're the ultimate name caller

so they feel like they have to like get in there so they can be like you once again bringing me down how am I bringing you down rather than laughing you immediately take their sides I am laughing, I'm not taking, oh please do you have something to hype are you gonna be selling some sort of Nia merchandise

no I do not I don't side with them at all I hate those people that write in like that I think it's very annoying but I just feel like they're trying to like be like you they're trying to emulate you that's what I was trying to say do you ever think that there's just a bunch of me's out there

these people would be doing it anyways go on YouTube, look at people right under the videos I can't look at YouTube comments people are out of their fucking mind alright listen, you gotta keep your face near the microphone if you start doing stuff like this on the podcast, yeah you do that I'm not

you were talking and you started looking down at your foot you went like that I'm trying to give you some sort of mic skills because I think you add a lot to the podcast and I would like to offer you a contract to be on here to work free as I do

to be on here more often while bringing you in, you know something when I feel like when I curse too much on stage when I'm really feeling that a little bit and like today when I was trashing women to the level it's just like Jesus Christ

I gotta get me in here to try to balance this out and why I love you is you fucking I passed the baton right to you and you took it across the finish line you fucking destroyed that lady alright that's the podcast that was sort of a feel good ending

alright go fuck yourselves don't make it nice, go fuck yourselves that's the podcast for this week where am I going to be this week oh I'm going to be up in San Jose at the improv and you got pick your microphone up you just really killed that right there

you set your microphone down and it rolls and you can hear it oh I'm sorry let me turn it off anyways I'm going to be up the improv in San Jose you should definitely come out to these shows because these are going to be monster shows because I have not done an hour of stand up

for a while and I am fucking chomping at the bit to do it and I feel like unloading some brand new fucking thoughts up there so please come down to the scary downtown San Jose area somebody got shot right out in front of that place last time I really shouldn't be bringing that up

no you shouldn't I keep it real son I'm sure it was all dealt with and everything's fine it was they swept it right out took a garden hose sprayed the blood off and we did the second show the people have been arrested everyone's okay please come out to that next week I'm going to be down in Irvine Orange County

the plastic surgery capital of the world oh you're going to bring it are you going to bring it to them again are you going to tell them about themselves like you did last time I'm going to fucking rena dodge challenge you I'm going to beat on that driving to and from and uh

because the highways out here suck and then after that I'm at the Montreal comedy festival and uh why aren't I going to that I love Montreal oh can I come why don't you go on that Star Trek website

get yourself a cheap ticket alright the one captain Kirk talks about oh a price line why aren't you on that one I don't know because you usually come to the I don't know Miami I don't know I don't want to talk about the ones you usually go to usually don't go to the

go to that one why'd you make it awkward let's talk about this later I don't think you're going on that one yeah no you're not going on that one why I love Montreal alright that's the podcast for this week I'll talk to you guys next week

like I said if you guys if you're watching anything I'd really like to get some audio clips on this thing if you see something on TV that strikes you as funny send them in for God's sakes alright talk to you next week I should give myself a good talk into this time

doesn't need a little brains out of surgery I got too cute of my insecurity but I've been in the wrong place but it must have been the right time I've been in the right place but it must have been the wrong song

I've been in the right way but it seems like a wrong on but I've been in the right way but it seems like wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong Yeah It's slip and dodger, sneaking deep

and hiding out down the street See my last... shakin' with everyone who I meet Refrigerate confusion if I'm making this self clear One of which where'd I go to get on out of here

cause I've been in the right place but it must have been the wrong time and I don't say the right thing but it must have been the wrong line I took the right road but it must have took the wrong train I took the right move but I met at the wrong time

I've been in the right trend but I met in the wrong call Here's in a good place and I wonder what's bad for Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas where romance finds fantasy While flowers are blooming outside

bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Novelties Described as small but mighty the rose is 25% off this month at Cirrillas along with all NS Novelties Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size

Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com