Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-24

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

Bill rambles about stadiums, his new special, and songs about boyfriends. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (33:06) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 7-11-16 - Bill rambles about hairy backs, 80’s gyms, and destroying property.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Oh, hey, how are you? How's your week going? Is it? you know, it is the summertime month and you have to remember as much as the children on our vacation, you are not, you still have to work and you need to take care of your home. Remember the good old days you had kids, you just open the door and just let them out. Ah, was it stick your head out fucking around noontime Bobby, Cindy, Marsha

and they come inside, they have sandwiches, they watch a little TV until they drove you nuts again, I got it, got it you just wait till the sun came down they came in and you had three pieces of toast and on top of that you had chicken olive cake. That was a day. You know, I think that's how it went. That's how I remember it.

That's how I remember the good old days. By the way, when is my generation and the older generation stop gonna stop acting like we lived through a fucking war? All these kids today couldn't survive the 70s and 80s and somebody else is like, oh yeah, you should see what we did in the 60s and 70s. What did you do? Well, what did we do? We fucking rode bicycles around. Why are we acting like we went out and we did like some sort of military

operation? We didn't fucking do anything. This generation is living through a 20 year war right now. People from their generation come back PTSD and they're living underneath the bridge. That didn't happen. We had Vietnam vets. Those were the older kids When we were growing up, but we grew up during a perfect fucking time Arena rock, yeah Developed in the 70s and then in the 80s it turned into fucking It was like drag shows with all those metal bands. It was a fucking great time. We didn't know cocaine was addictive Or no more addictive than caffeine at least in the 70s and then 80s was the big lie or whatever, but you know

Like these fucking kids today this soft they're your It's like dude, they're your kids, you raised them. So like what is the problem? What did they have? They had something like, they were showing kids jumping BMX bikes over their friends and then they cut to today's generation. There's two guys on a scooter together. And it's like, well first of all, they didn't have those when we were kids. And if they did, we would have wrote them.

You would have run them with your buddy and you wouldn't had a fucking problem with it. And, you know, if there was fucking iPads and all of this shit, the video games, we would have been doing that, too. Enough already. Nothing heroic happened. That's such a that's such a bad take. To fucking just walk around and act like your generation was unfucking believable and just be like, you kids today, you could never.

1983, forget about it. Unbelievable and to just be all you kids today. You could never 1983 forget about it. I Like would have liked to see you See Ozzy handled the death of his guitar player and then bringing in Jakey Lee. No more Randy Rhodes I love to see a fucking Gen Y guy, whatever the fuck they are now handle that shit. We also had four seasons, you know, as opposed to now where it's winter and then hell's fire. We also weren't bankrupt as a nation. I don't know, some shit has gotten better.

I gotta feel like it's gonna turn around at some point, right? Don't ya? Speaking of turning around, you know, the Red Sox aren't that bad this year. I actually really like this team. I watched them the last couple of nights playing the Oakland A's. A's take it easy, huh? Um, I'm gonna fucking travesty that goddamn franchise is. Everybody in the Bay Area got a new stadium,

but them and the Oakland Raiders. And now they gotta be like, well, I guess you guys never really wanted me, did you? And now they're going to the fucking strip in Vegas like so many women whose dads who's you know didn't stick around they're actually going to Sacramento first can you think of a sadder trip to Vegas from Oakland than to go north east up to say Sacramento first and sit there for two years going this is this this is the capital of California really of the state not this region okay I didn't know

that did not where is everybody this is like San Jose Then you go down to Vegas to a smaller ballpark. I think that's actually smarter though. I will say one of the big fucking rip-offs of my lifetime was all these fucking owners in every single sport demanding a new arena. Or else they would move the team. Every fucking fucking city should have been like go ahead and move Fuck do you think we name one other business that does that? You know if they want a new Home Depot Home Depot fucking pays for it Why do we got to pay for your fucking stadium give me a new stadium or I'm leaving It is a thing there was nothing wrong with the old stadiums you just keep fixing them up and then one day they become classics Right and then you can't tear them down like Wrigley Field and Fenway Park I

Just can't imagine if they just had kept Riverfront Stadium up. They never should have tore down the other ones. I like how briefly for a moment they were actually thinking about the environment and they made these stadiums that were like for baseball and football. I mean it was terrible for the fans in those first few games of the year when the football team would be playing on a baseball field and they had to level out the mound. And they would have like infield dirt on the back of their football jerseys. Yeah, that was probably a bad time. Um, anyway, but I watched the Red Sox the last couple of games.

Uh, we just signed some six foot seven Fucking kid from Detroit everything he was thrown was away. We'll see and they let up a three-run homer But fortunately we was playing with the fucking six run lead and then I watched yesterday He's jumped on us got up three nothing Then Nick the Pavetta settles down strikes out seven in a row and we just make base running errors again I don't know who that guy is on fucking second base for us But he needs to either lay off the donuts or be walking on a treadmill when he when he's eating them Jesus christ, he's built like a fucking plumber

Somebody hit one high. I don't know anybody's names. Someone hit one high off the Green Monster and they fucking send that guy from second base. And I'm yelling from, you know, laying in my bed watching, go, what the fuck you sending that guy for? He was out by like 15 feet. He did do a nice pirouette that the catcher admired for half a second before tagging him and then he was out and that killed our rally.

I think we lost five to two. But anyway, the Oakland A's have already been the Philadelphia A's, the Kansas City A's, the Oakland A's and then they're going gonna be in Sacramento and then in Vegas and then they will have The dubious title of as far as I know professional franchises that have moved the most times I Think that they'll have it because I want to say Sacramento Was the Rochester Royals the Cincinnati Royals the Kansas City Kings and then the Sacramento Kings and they had moved four times And now the age the Oakland age

Are gonna leapfrog them by going to Sacramento in Las Vegas. Well Bill, this is fascinating Do you have nothing going on in your life this week? I doubt Oh Billy relaxation I don't. Oh, Billy, relaxation. You ever try to do something nice for your wife and then she doesn't have time for you to do it and then you get fucking mad and then you end up getting into a fight? That happened to me yesterday.

We didn't get into a fight. But I was upset. I went to the gym. I'm back at the gym, everybody. I don't know if you read about it in gym magazine. I thought I was going to get the cover. I was the second feature. My story is on page 48 of gym magazine under a bald ginger back at gym is the name of the article.

You know something I think in the future right the thing to just like Like how self-involved now is with let me look at me I'm doing fucking talking to myself for a half an hour thinking people find this entertaining It's about as self-involved as it gets then you got social media You know, then you have People that give self self help advice on social media, wearing a thong and standing in nature, making the hard hands. So how do you top that level of self involvement? Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you how you do that. You fucking, you come up with an app

and the app has all these different magazine covers, you know, fictitious or maybe you get the rights to real ones. And then you plug in all your information and the things that make you feel good. And then they just come up with these phony articles and they put you on the cover of them of the magazine in your life You know, nobody else sees it, you know And you get interviewed by an AI robot and everything and then you get mad because you got misquoted You know just sitting there. That's not what I made my kids for breakfast Fucking bullshit, man. I'm gonna stop doing these interviews, you know when you start to feel like a full-on

Fucking celebrity Did I mention I went golfing on monday on one of the hottest days in the history of the valley Oh my god, um was the espn jimmy v the history of the valley oh My god Was the ESPN Jimmy V The Jimmy V foundation one and it was a fucking great time and I got put in with With four these four cool guys who all could fucking play. I played the worst I've ever played. Like I made the mistake of not warming up or anything

and figuring out how to just sort of hit my fucking hundred yards straight shot off the tee. And I played like ass, but there was a group of six in front of us. You know what was weird was we were a group of five and we were moving along, but they were like, they were living their best life and squatting down, looking at putts

and cheering each other on and shit. It was fucking hilarious. So I felt bad for these. They had to wait for every fucking shot, wait to tee off, wait for the second shot. And then once they cleared the green then you could go you know up and down but then it was another weight thing it was like hottest fucking balls but I will tell you this we were

on one hole and one of them pointed up and there was some sort of bird of prey a hawk or something. And I don't know what it killed. I think it was a squirrel. And it was just sitting on there looking like a badass. Hey, I'm doing my podcast. Let me talk to you later. All right, I'm back.

Had to go make pancakes. The fuck was I even talking about? Try to make me go to rehab, but I said no, no, no. What was that? Oh shit, there was a fucking announcement yesterday. Speaking of which, right? What I was talking about, you know,

having a magazine in your life, there was an announcement yesterday, all freckles, my next special is gonna be on Hulu. Same comedian, new streaming service. Very excited about that and whatnot. I will tell you what's fucking hilarious is, you know, some of the responses. Like the fucking people who aren't out here, it's hilarious. What their whole fucking idea, like somebody's going like, oh no, I guess Disney owns Hulu.

I don't know. Don't they own everything? It's either them or Apple or Bill Gates. There's like five fucking people that own everything now, right? So somebody's like, I hope they don't censor them over there, you know? Just that dumb shit, you know? And that whole thing, Ah, you went Hollywood. It's like people, I don't think there there's no Hollywood. Hollywood is done.

It's over. It's now like three or four streaming services. It's now run by tech nerds, Silicon Valley. So you got to stop saying this is coming from Hollywood. There's no it's it's now Silicon Valley. That's fucking, it's over. Anyway, so yeah, so in March it's coming out. We start the editing process next week.

So I'm just going gonna throw myself into that because I fucking hate doing that. Some reason I didn't mind it on old dads. I think it was because there was other actors and stuff, but like just stand up special is just, you know, all the footage is of my fucking Charlie Brown head. And I just like to try to get through it as quickly as possible.

So we're gonna be doing that. And then what else? There was something else that I was gonna bring up and I literally just went out of my head. Oh, I went, I did my first spot since being up in Seattle. Now I got a frog in my throat sorry there's a lot of fucking it's a lot of fucking was it pollen whatever the hell is that yellow shit it's all over my car in the air there's a lot of homeless people burning things so So I mean, I'm gonna have to clear my throat a little bit.

I guess that's what I'm trying to say. So I sang that Amy Winehouse song, try to make me go to rehab. Cause I watched that documentary for a second time. I always shut it off when she starts losing it on drugs, on the drugs there. I hate that part, but like, I did see a thing. I felt bad. She wrote this song about this guy Saying like aren't you supposed to be the strong one? Are you a lady boy and all of that and I was like goddamn

Fucking brutal right there's a guy to have your fucking girlfriend write a song about you like that But then one of their friends was saying like yeah she she could do this thing where she would make you feel like you're the only person in the world. And then a moment later, like you didn't matter. And then she'd come back and, and then start it all over again. It's just like, well, yeah, you're not, you're not going to be dating a strong man if that's what you're doing. Who the fuck's putting up with that?

I mean, how many times you gonna get on that fucking ride? Oh, speaking of that shit, I started watching this documentary on Ashley Madison. You remember that? That the dating website for people that were married and just didn't want to... they just fucking needed to go bang somebody else. Right. And they were just all of them were just saying, you know, marriage,

marriage is really hard, it's just like. You know, it's the one thing of like. You know. I don't know, ba ba ba ba ba, but then like marriages, and I was just listening to him going like, you guys are fucking idiots. It's not hard. I mean, everything's hard, but it's not like, oh my God, it's so fucking hard.

It's like, no, I think most of them, they were like, either stopped working on it or, you know, like those people that like, they want just the honeymoon phase the whole time, you know, whoever they're dating, like everything you're saying is so just fucking, and you know, they're just so enamored with you and like, that's not going to happen. And I think also a lot of people marry the wrong people and they also get married for the wrong reasons. But none of them said that. They all just said marriage, you know, it's like really hard. You know, the monotony, the day to day,

it's like, well, you're feeling that, go do something new. Love, exciting and new. Try something else before you bang a stranger but what was amazing was these people put all of this shit they were sort of the first ones to put all their personal shit on the internet and then realizing like oh this isn't secure and and everybody's all like why the fuck would you fucking do that it's like you've done all of that we've all done that everybody it's all it's all like, why the fuck would you fucking do that? It's like, you've done all of that. We've all done that.

Everybody, it's all it's all fucking out there. I love now when you like buy something and then just you get an email from that store. It's like, how the fuck do you have my email? I never gave you my email. Who did you get this from? And all of a sudden, that's just acceptable. And you can go into your emails and you can like unsubscribe to them. You got to go through that bullshit.

I don't know. Anyway, I was kind of amazed that they were all just going, yeah, you know, there was one guy, oh, Jesus Christ, poor bastard. He was like in love with being in love. It was some romantic movie he watched and he just wanted to be the person in the movie. So he marries his cutie pie and they show this is like 20 years later and she's still fucking she's still hot I don't know understand what the problem is and I Don't know he was like she was like he was like crying

She goes when I was walking down the aisle. He was like crying crying She goes when I was walking down the aisle. He was like crying Ladies I gotta ask you a fucking question All right, you this there's a different way to show that you really love The woman you're about to marry other than crying Like a little fucking girl up at the altar now This might be me left over from you know, the hardcore 70s and 80s that no kid from today could have ever survived. We fucking ate pop tarts. We were crazy. It

was way easier to be a kid back then, I think. You know what I mean? You didn't have people fucking up your ass the whole time, monitoring you and tracking you with the device you could actually just fucking go out and hang out with your friends I think you know yeah shit happened or whatever but shit happens now shit's still happening right anyway what the fuck was I talking about oh Christ why did I go on that little tangent there? Then you just forget I was talking about the Ashley Madison's there. Oh yeah. You keep fucking, you come walking down the goddamn aisle, right? You don't want to see a man crying like that. You know, I,

I feel like with a, uh, with the woman, that they'll accept you crying like that at your mom's funeral Or Yeah, I think that's it I kind of think I think you're allowed one fucking ugly cry as a man in a relationship I mean you can't be doing that as you walking you're You're supposed to be the guy on the fucking white horse that's going to protect her if somebody comes in through the door you can't be up there Crying like you watched a romantic comedy

So anyways, this guy's up there and he's fucking crying like a chick. And his lady's coming down the fucking aisle and she goes when she saw him crying, she goes, I was like, wow, he really does love me. It's like that that question wasn't answered before you went down the aisle, but he was 24, she was 21. And I don't know. I don't know. Then he just went on there. You know what's the craziest one that they had was that like when someone would go to put their credit card on file and the website already had that credit card,

like if they had like a joint credit card, like the other one was already on there cheating, it was just like, what the fuck? It was not a fun thing to watch. It was one of those things is if you were single, it's a good thing to watch, but as a married person, you just sort of looking at this going like, uh, what's going on out there, man.

Um, and they called it Ashley Madison because those were two really common names and they were like ritzy, like they didn't say it, but rich ritzy, like white girl names. Ashley. I don't know about Ashley, but anytime you met a Madison, she always came from money. Madison. She took her, that's one of those trust fund kids where you gotta take like fencing, you know? And you have to graduate in fencing to stay in the will.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I went down, I went to a college, fun kids we gotta take like fencing you know and you have to graduate in fencing to stay in the will anyway as i mentioned i went down uh i went to the laugh factory hadn't been there and for fucking ever uh went down there and uh tried out some new shit um everything went pretty well so i'm starting to put together my new hour. Now that's my favorite thing as much as taping a special, I'm like, ah, fuck, now I got to look at the footage. My, my favorite thing though is writing the, the, uh, the new hour. So now I get to take all rules of hack and throw them out the window.

Like I was doing material about the fucking presidential debate. Without even having watched it, I just saw enough clips and I'm like, hey, here are the jokes. Here is what are we doing? Oh, you know, and it just fucking works. But you know something, it gets you going. It gets you some momentum to maybe, you know, get to something good. And I just look at it like, I'm never gonna fucking put any of this shit

on a special, so. Like I would say last, on my last hour, the one that never saw the light of day, that if I was a younger comedian and smarter, internet savvy, I would have recorded it and just put it up on my site, on my page, on my channel, whatever the fuck you say, was the submersive, that bootleg went but that fucking bit murdered And I remember thinking like as I was doing it going like this is just one of these it's like junk food like topical jokes Where you know you consume it and then ten minutes later you're hungry again It's like this thing is just not gonna have the shelf life to be on a special and I was saying to myself

I should record this fucking thing and I never did I can't remember how the hell it went it's something to do with when the story first came out black people saying this sounds like some white people shit and and as upset as I wanted to be I knew they were right. And then when I found out that two of the people on the submersive weren't white, I was actually excited. And then all of those other people that were going like, you never catch me getting on that thing,

like they made it about themselves. And I was like, yeah, I know I wouldn't, it costs 250 grand per ride, you fucking loser. So maybe And I was like, yeah, I know I wouldn't have cost 250 grand per ride. You're a fucking loser. So maybe that wasn't like, you know, you're kind of making fun of what somebody makes per year, which only works in wrestling. Although I do have to tell you, uh, I'm not going to, cause I don't want to start any shit for any other comedian. There is a comedian

That calls people with no money the pores and There's doubled down on it and that was the funniest shit I've seen in a long time because that just took me back to like fucking Ric Flair. That was like some Ric Flair shit well, you just like Call it just to just be standing there saying I have more money than you and then ridiculing people with less money At the wrestling is the only format I've ever seen that That it work Occasionally some rich person will say something like that Either because they're out of touch or they didn't know like a microphone was on and it's the funniest fucking I

Don't know I a microphone was on and it's the funniest fucking I don't know. I find that shit hilarious For the simple fact that I guess you shouldn't say it. Is that what it is? I don't have any reads for this week. Can you believe it? You know, what's even more unbelievable is that nfl football starts next month Like right around now, they're going to be talking about the first preseason games Here we go again Here we go again

The fucking NBA and the NHL lasts so fucking long dude baseball only gets like you know Like baseball as far as they get like a month to themselves they get them six weeks maybe two months Middle of June to the middle of August and then that's it. That's all they get They start their season NBA NHL are gearing up for their playoffs playoffs first two and a half months is NBA NHL playoffs And they get two months to themselves and then they're right back into football season.

It's like those people that were like, you know, grew up in like a small house and they were, you know, with a bunch of brothers and sisters. I was one of nine. There was five people in my bedroom. It's like you don't get any fucking time to yourself. It does something to you after a while. I'm feeling like that's gonna happen at baseball

So anyway, I'll say the Red Sox man They got like I don't know any of their fucking names this center fielder is the shit their shortstop is the shit that Casas kid is the shit. We got a bunch O'Neal's a fucking Paul Bunyan guy. We got a bunch of talent Our starting pitching is amazing. We just make bonehead base running errors and our bullpen kind of sucks. We got to work on that. So we just signed this eight-foot goof from fucking Detroit. Why am I saying that? The guy completely stepped up. Six foot seven, our version of the big unit. So, uh, he yells after he throws the ball. I'm like, all right, I like this guy, you know, he's good to have a 6'7", fucking guy with a mullet coming out of the, uh,

out of the bullpen. That's the way it was when I was growing up, back in the hardcore seventies and eighties. Um, back in the hardcore 70s and 80s. You couldn't handle, there was no electric cars and you had to drive a stick shift. I mean, you can literally learn how to drive a stick shift in an afternoon. People acting like they were flying a fucking rocket ship. And like kids today, not knowing how to drive a stick shift is like us back then not knowing how to fucking drive

A steam engine. It's like they don't know how to do it. Not because they're morons. It's because it's it's outdated technology Right, how many here know how to milk a fucking cow Well how to keep a fucking rooster away from the whatever so it doesn't kill all the chickens or whatever the fuck you do Is that nobody knows how to do shit? Anyway Go to the grocery store you make Pre you buy pre-made pasta. We're not doing anything either. All right, everybody fucking relax So anyway, I like this guy like this goddamn team. Oh since when I was growing up

Yeah, anybody that came out of the bullpen, you came out, you had a crazy mustache and just fucking this hair sticking all out. Like it was like the fucking lion king meets like white trash is like, like what if in the Wizard of Oz, like Rod Beck, rest his soul, played the lion? That's what they look like.

Except it wasn't the cowardly lion. It was the fucking guy smoking cigarettes and doing whatever. I do miss the cigarette smoking athlete. Anyway, alright, that is the podcast everybody. Yes, so my new special is gonna be on Hulu. I know people are overseas. There's a look and I fucking see it. We're gonna figure that out.

We'll get that, that'll all be fine or whatever. And yeah, that's the deal. So now I'm writing my new shit. So if you're out here in LA, you're gonna see me haunting the clubs, the store, the improv and the the factory putting together my new fucking My new goddamn hour so we already got a good story too I can't tell the fucking story on the part. Well, first of all burn the material

But uh, eventually I got to get the lovely Nia on here and we are going to I'll wait like a few months Tragedy plus time. I'm gonna get the lovely Nia on here. And we're gonna have this, we're gonna have a debate that needs to happen. And I think it'll definitely be funny. It'll help people out too. We had a disagreement about something this weekend and it turned into a two-day debate.

Moments of arguing, moments of laughing, and then finally realizing what each person was saying. So just remind me in a couple of months we will have this debate. All right. That is the podcast everybody. Enjoy your weekend you cunts and I'll talk to you on Monday Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 11th 2016 what's going on? How are you? What's going on? How are ya? Recording this 6 o 1 p.m. On Sunday July 10th still fucking light as hell out even though it's getting darker by the day I'm in a great mood. I think my sciatica is fine Sciatica oh oh ah ah

I think it finally went away Like 90 95 percent of it went away. That Masoo said I was seeing who was fucking amazing, went to her again, she beat the shit out of me. And showed me the stretch for my leg, where I just lay on the floor and put my leg up against a door jamb. And it's been working fucking wonders for me.

And I really feel like I'm going to see her again next week. I just keep doing that stretch, do all these other stretches. She was telling me all of this shit. I need to strengthen my obliques because it's putting stress on my lower back, the whole fucking thing. My back feels amazing. And what's so great is my back has been fucked up for 30 years. I did a podcast this week, not trying to drop any

names, but Stone Cold Steve Austin. The Stone Cold. And that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so. I did his podcast. He's a, we talked for like two and a half hours. He's going to turn it into, I think a part one and a part two. And I was talking to him on that podcast how the first time I threw up my back, the two times, three times in my childhood I threw up my back, two of the times was doing wrestling moves, right? One was the figure four leg lock,

which I've told you before, that's the first time I threw up my lower back, right? And then trying to imitate Gary Valentine. This kid was trying to show me how to do it He did it and everybody went nuts and he wouldn't fucking let me out of it because all the fourth grade started flipping out Like it was the WWF right, and then when I was like at seventh or eighth grade, or maybe the beginning of high school, I I tried to pick my little brother up over my head like Tony Atlas his finishing move And I swear to God like three three quarters of the way up my spine, it felt like it folded, and I

just had to kind of drop my brother, drop him down on the fucking ground. Fortunately, there was wall to wall copping in because it was left over from the 70s there. But anyways, yeah, so my back has been fucked and then I was playing just pick up football and I fucked up my lower back. And for the last 30 years, if I ever fell asleep laying on my stomach, like I woke up in unbelievable pain and had to literally like just slide down the side of the bed, get on my back and just start doing stretches for a half an hour to get it undone. And that has gone away.

And the sciatic thing's gone away. And I guess I had no fucking idea. I thought, you know, like I stretch, you know what I mean? I get a massage once every couple of years. I thought I was all right. But I guess all the way down the right side, I probably shouldn't do this. If I lose my health insurance, they'll just have to just splice together on my podcast to get all my pre-existing conditions.

That muscle that runs down your entire right side, that whole thing was spasming. And then like half of it on the left side, the muscles in my fucking left thigh and left calf. Dude, she fucking slammed her elbow into the back of my fucking leg and was bringing it up. It literally felt like my leg was going to fucking explode. But it's actually been way better. Like today, I just kind of felt something, everything kind of like freed up.

I'm just going to keep going to these people and I'm going to try to get my back is... I had no idea how fucked up it was. I'm just going to keep going to these people, and I'm going to try to get my back is, I had no idea how fucked up it was. I'm psyched. And all these people going, dude, you know, you got to go get an, just go to a doctor. You know, these chiropractors are this, these masseuses are that, just go to a doctor, get a cortisone shot and fucking get an operation.

And I was like, fuck that. The last place you ever want to get an operation on is your fucking back. As far as I've seen. Like you remember when they were operating on Bobby Orr's knees and they just were scooping shit out and next thing you know he was like bone to bone at like 27 years old. I feel like, you know, as far as they've come with knee surgery, like back surgery, they're still in those Bobby Orr years. And I just don't want to risk it. I would never do that. So I'm happy that I was able to do it

in a non-evasive way and it's literally affected my mood in like a positive way. So I'm so psyched about that. But as I mentioned before, Stone Cold Steve Austin's podcast, he's got a podcast and I could not believe, I don't want to ruin anything that we talked about, but I could not believe the similarities of wrestling to stand up as far as listening to the crowd, not getting them all the way too high before you're going to get, and building up your time.

Like that's a big thing when you're like a comedian starting out, like you're doing 10 minute sets and then one night somebody tells you to do 15. An extra five minutes doesn't sound like a lot, but that's like you coming up with another 50% more of your act, you know? Does the math work out all right in that? I mean, five minutes is a lot of fucking time, and he was the same thing.

He would wrestle for like eight fucking minutes, and then one day he moves up, and they go, all right, give us 20 minutes. He's thinking, what the fuck am I going to do this for 20 minutes? But of course, you know, we don't get the shit kicked out of us, but I will definitely retweet when that thing is going to be on. I had a great time with him and he in the best way possible, he is exactly like when you see him. He's just completely no bullshit and all that. He wants to learn how to fly a helicopter, so we talked about that.

We just went on and on and on and fucking on. It was just fucking awesome great guy and Definitely was beyond cool that I got to meet that guy So I'll definitely tweet that when that shit is coming out. So anyways Let's get on with my my sports weekend here. I Had a crazy weekend I Saturday night, say, I went, oh, I watched the UFC first of all. And I'm not going to blame the UFC for that one. They kept hyping UFC 200

and that was supposed to be fucking unbelievable and all their greats are supposed to come back and then what happened you know? Gonna my graga they had that big issue where he fucking loses, and then he doesn't want to do some sort of promo I don't pay attention to the soap opera the shit right ronda rousey still not fighting And you know that they felt that those two were going to be on that card So they're both not on the card and then some guy named Joe something or other tested positive for some shit so you know they were scrambling for bodies and fucking is it oh my god am I gonna say his name is it Anderson Silva is that his name how can you fucking watch somebody so many

fucking times and just I just know I never know the names I just fucking sit down and I'm like oh that's the guy who crawls in like a spider. He's gonna kick the fuck out of this guy He you know, he was supposed to be sitting in the crowd and next three days later he's in the octagon It was like the whole Vinnie Testa Verde shit. We're back in the day, you know Vinnie Testa Verde He's like he was sitting on his couch watching the game or he's like in the backyard You know putting together a fucking horseshoe pit or some stuff. And all of a sudden he's under center playing for the Jets. Yeah, Anderson Silva, he had to come in and fight Daniel Cormier.

Much as the fucking douchey UFC fans were booing him because they wanted him to stand up against him, Anderson Silva is because they wanted him to stand up against him. Anderson Silver is like the greatest of all time and had nothing to fucking lose. And this guy earned this title shot that got taken away from him or whatever the fuck, this big fucking payday. And if he loses to this guy, then all of a sudden Anderson's coming back and he's the next contender and this guy's ass the fuck out, right? So he did what he had to do.

He just kept taking on the ground. He stayed on top of him. You could hear him after he won going, hey, listen, I did what I had to do. You could tell he felt bad. He wanted to put on a show, but the guy fucking prepared for months and months for this other fucking guy. So the fight of the night for me, obviously, I think in everybody else was the was the Mishnetate Amanda Nunez, I'm saying all these fucking names right and

Jesus Christ, I mean that I mean that's of course what everybody wants to see It's like when people watch racing, you know as much as they want to see wheel to wheel They want to see so see somebody go careening into the fucking wall They want to see a car, you know hit a wall at 200 miles an hour That's what the fuck they want to see and fight fans want to see somebody get careening into the fucking wall. They want to see a car, you know, hit a wall at 200 miles an hour. That's what the fuck they want to see. And fight fans want to see somebody get knocked the fuck out, right, or get the shit kicked out of them. So I feel like the one thing that,

other than the first fight, where there was that six foot seven guy, lot of dad bods for UFC, you know, 200. Did I say 50 earlier? I don't know the fuck I'm talking about. A lot of dad-bots. That was like the dad-bod fight card. Granted, all of them, I obviously could kick the fuck out of 100 normal people at a time, but that first fight, there was like that six foot six, six foot seven dude, which is hilarious to me. You're six foot

seven and you got to learn mixed martial arts. It's like, it's not enough you can step on the average person like a fucking ant. You're now gonna add this whole other level of fucking craziness, you know? That first guy, Jesus Christ, that first guy, whatever the fuck his name is. That guy looked like he was in the born identity and he was like the head bad guy that you had to beat He just came fucking walking in he gave that tall do the old right there Fred and he was fucking done And the only two guys were in shape with those those I don't fuck it. I mean, I don't know anybody's fucking name I have no fucking idea. You know, this is my deal

I ordered it I tech any was anybody else to to text order it and you accidentally ordered it in Spanish? Like the way the text thing came out, it says order UFC and then it says, no, it says sports event and then right after event was the number one and then after, on the next line it said UFC 200 number two and then the next line it said UFC 200 number two. And then the next line said Espanol or something like that. So you didn't read that, you just saw events and then you immediately went to the second line and you're supposed to press one for English. Two was for UFC 200 and Espanol and I fucked the whole thing up.

So I had to talk to the fucking lady to get it, the whole fucking thing taken off. But a lot of dad bods a Lot of fucking dad bods until you got to the women they came in They were like the one other than that featherweight fight that I can't fucking remember But I just hate when fucking when it goes to the ground everybody fucking booze You know what? I mean? It's like this can you have a little respect for the person who's on their back taking forearms to their fucking head? You're booing because

they're not standing up. I don't know. People start chanting stand them up, stand them up, whatever the fuck they were saying. I don't know. To me, it's a lot scarier to have somebody on top of you and you can't fucking move and they're just raining down on you and they're putting a glove over your fucking nose and mouth and you can't breathe. Like I'd be on the ground like, getting all claustrophobic. I would tap out so fucking fast. Do you remember that UFC fight where that guy just backed up the whole fucking time? The whole fight he just fucking backed up. That would be me. And then you'd get me on the ground.

I'd be like, ah, ah. I would just tap out. I would say I have to leave the country after the fight, but UFC is worldwide. I would have to move to mainland China, not Hong Kong, but UFC is worldwide. I would have to like move to mainland China You know not Hong Kong to try to somehow and even then somebody gets some sort of bootleg shit Whoever's the son of that dude who sat stood in front of the tank You know, he'd have the fucking balls to get the UFC feed and then he fights, you know walking around with my fucking Goddamn whitehead just walking around fucking China China, they spot me in a second.

Hey, you're that fucking guy. You're that screaming bitch from UFC fucking whatever, right? So, I don't know. I think those fucking people who go to the UFC, you got a lot of fucking balls booing a professional fighter. Every time I watch the UFC, I always at some point Probably about 15 times during the night have to say these are like some of the toughest people on the fucking planet

Just like them I can't imagine the mental place you have to go to when you're walking down there knowing you're gonna fight somebody Especially is the fucking underdog, right? that has just been training for three months with like some of the best people in the world and their skill is how to beat the fuck out of you. Like they broke down your style and they're just going to figure out how to beat the fuck out of you. It's like nauseating.

How do you even get your raisin brand down that morning? I mean, these people, they're on a whole other level. So congratulations to Amanda Nunes, the first female Brazilian UFC champion. And I always loved Mista Tate. Always class acts. She's fucking gorgeous. It was hard watching her get busted up like that. That fucking, that uppercut that was perfectly timed.

Jesus Christ. But anyway, so I did that and then a buddy of mine texts me and he said, why don't you come down to the fucking Troubadour? There's some band playing down there. And I hope I get the name of this band right, because I went down and saw a band. I think they were called Earthless. Yeah. Earthless.

Okay. And I'm still processing what the fuck I saw. I went down there, I watched like three seconds of a YouTube clip and I'm like, I gotta get out of the fucking house, right? So I went down, met my buddy, started drinking waters. It was really good that night, right? And this band comes out, Power Trio, right? It's a guy on a strat, there's a fucking bass player

and a drummer, and that's it. And the guitarist starts playing, immediately he like, wow, this guy can fucking play. And then the drums start coming in and then the bass, and then they just went into this epic fucking like, just imagine if you were playing an arena show, right? And you just, you're bringing home the greatest arena rock show ever. Like where your energy would be in the final minute before you said, thank you, good night.

Right? Rock and roll, right? They basically started there and stayed there for a half a fucking hour. As far as I could tell, there was like four or five songs that were all one giant song. Dude, it was fucking exhausting just watching it. I remember about 12 minutes in when they ended one part of it, you know like the cliched endings to things, they would like add 15 minutes each. It was fucking unreal.

I just looked at the guy I was with and we just started laughing. Like this is fucking nuts. 20 minutes in, I got to go up to the bar and get a drink. The fucking band is pouring sweat. They look like they're in a fucking sauna and they're're still going, and the guy on the guitar is fucking shredding, and out of nowhere, you're like, what the fuck song is that? What is that? For like a couple of bars, they played that fucking part of Dazed and Confused, do do

do do do do do do do do do do do do, and the fucking guitar player and the drummer, they're all doing it, and then you're like, hey, that's Dazed and Confused, wow, goes right by it, then they're into something else. And then finally, after a fucking half hour, it ends. Right? Fucking ends. And people are like, people are exhausted from just watching it.

And I couldn't hear what he said because I had my own ear plugs in because I'm an old man. Psychedelic something was the name of the song. Psychedelic infinity, psychedelic fucking Scrabble. I have no fucking idea what he said. And then they went into another song that was like five minutes long. And then they closed with communication breakdown. I guess it was like three, four bands and they just played it like a quick like hour 45 minutes set and it was over and it was uh I like it took me to like halfway through today to like process what the fuck I saw. I don't know

how you would ever put together something like that. The complexity of the whole thing but it was definitely worth it and I heard all of their shows are different every time but I was completely blown away by him The band is called Earthless if you get a chance to see him I guess here is Wikipedia. They're out of San Diego, California Isaiah Mitchell is there Is there guitarist I hope I say all the names correctly. God knows I always fuck it up Mike Engington EG INTON was the bass player and then Mari Mario. I'm never gonna try with the last name

Rubala Kaba Who I guess is also some fucking psycho skateboarder Made up the band and they were absolutely fucking amazing. If you get a chance, yeah, definitely check him out. Formerly a professional skateboarder. So you know what I instantly love about that guy? He's never had a real job and I mean that with all respect. When I first started doing comedy, I used to work with the guy who used to have, his first job was, he

was a professional roller skater. He was about 10, 15 years older than me, so like, he was like 18, early 70s or some shit, right? And that's when like, you know, the roller skating and that type of shit was at its height and there was magazines about it. And I didn't believe him till he told me how he fucked up his elbow, what the maneuver, and he knew the name and all of that shit. And then he played drums in a band. And then he became a standup comic. And I was thinking like, dude, he's like, yeah, man.

He goes, I never had a real fucking job. That stuck with me. I think about that every once in a while. Like you won in life. Like, I don't care if you never made any fucking like real money doing that. As long as you can pay your rent and you can eat, you know, you're not fucking homeless. If those were the three jobs you had in life, I swear to God, if there's an afterlife and God's looking at your resume, he's like, all right, professional roller skater, professional

drummer, professional comedian nothing else yeah look at this fucking guy all right what's going on buddy i'm looking forward to popping in this vhs tape of your life see what's going on here right um anyway so let's do a little bit of advertising here for the week um All right, here's some reads here. Indo-Chino. Indo-Chino. I-N-D-O-C-H-I-N-O. I have no idea how to say that. Indo-Chino. That's how I'm saying it. Alrighty. All right, you know what I missed today? I thought I fucking taped it. I missed the fucking British Grand Prix But I ended up watching most of it on YouTube some French dude put it up or lady and I watched most of it and

congratulations to Louis amateur Louis Hamilton and Fucking what's his face the Tom Cruise of Formula one Nico Rosberg got penalized again Fucking penalized him again. They don't like the guy. Evidently, he got too much information from his pit crew. Something was going on with his fucking gearbox there. He couldn't go from six to seven. He had to go to six to eight.

He was saying that it caused a danger or some shit. Yeah, this guy, every fucking race, every race, there's some sort of fucking deal and he's getting penalized. He came in second, but they bumped him down to fucking third, which is huge because now he only leads Lewis Hamilton by fucking three points. I I'm actually taping it tomorrow. I'm gonna watch the whole race But it was kind of fun to watch it in French Picking out words. I Don't know. I got to get like a tutor or some shit. Maybe then I'll actually start to get a little better with that shit. But um, so now, I think I got the

Stanix here somewhere. Where the fuck is it? I got lyrics to Mac Davis, Baby Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me. I started this podcast a couple times, I can't remember if I sang that yet. Baby baby don't get hooked on me. Cause I'll just use you and set that yet. Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me. Cause I'll just use you and set you free. All right, Nico Rosberg has 168 points. Lewis Hamilton has 167. They fucked him out of three points today. You know, he would have been up to 171. The guy's, I don't know, he's just constantly getting in here.

He's just constantly, I don't know, putting himself in a situation. I don't know, he's just constantly getting in here. He's just constantly, I don't know, putting himself in a situation. I don't know. How many fucking times can one man have problems? This is the third race of this year, right? Slammed into fucking his teammate at the Spanish, he slammed into his teammate at the fucking Austrian one, right? I think this is, and he got penalized two different different fuckers kids having a hell of a fucking year

I didn't see the press conference, but he had the fucking tears in his eyes He was looking like the Cleveland Cavaliers fucking coach there Anyway, so I've been getting my back taken care of and The fucking gym out in the garage has been a goddamn game changer. We finally got an elliptical out there So that's it if I can just stop eating like a lunatic, I think I can be under 180 by the end of this writing season. Speaking of which, we're recording. We're doing the table read for episode nine tomorrow.

The record on Wednesday is fucking great. And then we're on 10. And then the writers room, as far as going there every single day is done. But we're now looking at the animatics and I gotta tell you guys, episode one, episode one, there's a scene in there that we have been trying to get right for like weeks. So we've all seen it like fucking 20 times each

and they finally animated it the way we wanted to. We finally were able to basically, it's all about conveying your idea to them, you know? And they finally understood what we were trying to say and we watched it and we fucking died. I cannot wait for you guys to see this shit. And oh man, if we get a laugh like that each fucking show, that's what we gotta go for.

If we can fucking make you laugh, the way it made us laugh, we're a bunch of jaded assholes. We can get you laughing like that. I think we can, I don't know, I think we can keep making some more of these. Very excited about it and I'm very excited to get out of the fucking writers room though. My back's feeling great and I've been hitting the fucking gym hard. I told you guys when I bought all that fucking weight, you know, I put up to 25 once in my life, I weighed about 165 pounds when I did it, I put it up one time, I always wanted to do it. I was always just too fucking little to do it. Just my frame. I was never like

a stocky fucking guy. Like naturally, I mean, anybody eats fucking pizza and drinks beer, you're gonna look a little husky, but I'm just saying like naturally I was just more of a middleweight and I did it one time and for you fucking Gym rats, you know that if you put up 225 you got you got the 245 plates on both sides So that was like a big fucking deal, right? So today I'm inching my way back Right. I put up 175 twice. I could have done it three times. If I had somebody there spot me,

they could have helped me on the fourth one, which would have been huge, because that's how you build up. But I've been going really slowly up from 135, just going like 10 pounds at a time, rather than back in the day, I'd go up 20. It's just been too much. And what I do is I weight,

like going from 135 to 145 and then up to 155. And I just make sure I can do before I tried 175, I make sure 20 pounds below it, I can do it like seven, eight times. And I did 165 four times and 175 two times. So I felt pretty good about that, which means I could probably bench my way at this point. I could put up 185, which makes me feel good. I got the atomic holds. I can now fucking do a little Ninja Warrior shit.

I can go from one side of my garage to the other. This ain't bad, dude. For 48 fucking years old, pegboards coming along. I can do like two, take it out like twice on both sides before I then fall down to the fucking ground. But I'm telling you, if I wasn't so busy doing this fucking show, I could actually get in great shape. I cannot recommend those atomic holds enough. They are fucking incredible and they have all these different kinds. And just the grip strength that you get the core strength that you get It's fucking amazing. It's this is free advertising atomic holds

AtOMIK And they have a website they got all these different things if you watch that Ninja Warrior shit American Ninja Warrior, which is on It's on Mondays and Nia is always going you they should do a celebrity one of those fucking things You should go try to go on and do one of those and it's just like you know There's no fucking way I could I Would fuck up that first jump and thing but you know something matter how great let's say I was fucking 30 years younger, right? the prime of my life 18

If I fucking trained no matter how much I trained Okay, which I don't think I ever had enough I just don't have the gift to get into that kind of shape, but let's just say I could at 18 There's no fucking way ever I could ever make it up that last wall to me. That's the most You know out of all the crazy shit that they come up with I could ever make it up that last wall. To me, that's the most, you know, out of all the crazy shit that they come up with, you know, as hard as it is, most of it is just being able to fucking hang on.

That shit there, forget about it. I would fucking, I would do about three steps up and would do the most embarrassing face plant, like, I would do a face plant, but like, it would be like I was running into a wall. I'd do like one, two, three steps and I would slip and I would slam my fucking button nose right into the fucking wall

and then that would be the end of me. And it would become a meme, it would become all of this shit. I would never fucking live it down. But the inspiration for my gym was all this shit that I did in the 80s, you know, when it was all about just doing your upper body and fuck your legs, you know, walking around with your chicken legs.

It was that shit, a little bit of yoga, and then American Ninja Warrior, just looking at all that shit and just going on YouTube and watching people who are training for it and these crazy fucking things that they build in their backyards. Just the strength that they have. I mean, I'll never have to be actually do be if I ever do a muscle up, first of all, my head's going to go through the fucking ceiling. But I just don't have at my age, I just you just age, you get to a certain point, nature's just like, yeah, we're beginning the dying process. At this point, you should have had a couple of kids

and they should be handling the hunting for the tribe. And you need to just sit around the fire telling stories about what you used to do. So I am excited though that I am I'm able to do 175 to this is like such 80 shit only old people get this stuff Because I'm basically 10 pounds away from being able to have the 45s and then the 25s That was all like a big deal like, you know when people would be doing pyramids 10 8 6 4 2, right? It was always like the fucking guys would come in they put the 45 plate on for 10 then they put the 25 add that right 185 they do eight reps of

that then the 35 205 and then the 25 for 225 and then they do and then everybody would fucking pretend they weren't looking when anybody went above 225 if they threw on like 25 pound plates again, 10 or 5 pound plates nobody gave a fuck. But if you threw the 25s on, now you're up 275. If anybody put the three plates on, that's right when the bar starts to bend. I remember I was at the gym one time and I saw this guy curl 225. It was fucking unbelievable.

This guy was the most dense human being I ever saw and he would like bring it up and just go, ha, ha, ha, like, it's just like, what the fuck? And I wanted to laugh. I know I've told you guys all those stories.

I would tell that guy when I used to go to New York Sports Club. and when I was living on the Upper East Side, New York, near Spanish Harlem, I used to take the fucking train down. There was one in the 70s. I used to work out there. And this guy came in one day, and he was speaking a fucking, baby, baby, don't get hooked on me. He had the fucking Mac Davis haircut.

He had a fucking bandana on, not doing some fucking I Heart Huckabees, the Royal Tenenbans, hipster horse shit. He wasn't doing that. He was one of these guys that just dressed like how you dressed. He stopped looking at fashion at fucking 18. He came in. He had fucking the glasses slash shades all in one with a headband, the

curly fucking hair, like a tank top. He had Larry Bird shorts on, his socks pulled up. He looked like Ken Patera. That's what he looked like. And he would fucking work out dude and he would when he would do a rep he'd go yeah yeah yeah so you'd be in the gym and you just hear this guy over in the corner and he was a fucking monster he didn't want to laugh he just hear this guy in the corner going yeah yeah he would bring it down go and then when he would push it up was

yeah and then when he get to the last set when he was pushing himself he go Right I mean one time he was in there It was me and some other dude and all I'm trying I don't even know the other guy But I can feel him laughing and all I'm trying to do is not look at him and finally when he did that Yeah, I fucking looked over at the other guy and he was curling and he had you know he had brought the curling bar down he was just holding it and he had his eyes closed with his back to the Ken Patera guy so he couldn't see him and he was

just silently like crying laughing and I'm telling dude I don't think I think I was doing cardio or some shit I almost fell off the fucking treadmill lunatic right out of boogie nights, so Anyways, I should I you know at some point I'm gonna post a picture of the gym I don't like giving out pictures of my house, but it is just a fucking garage So anyways, I'm totally off the fucking rails here Where what else did I want to talk about? We talked about the Grand Prix, we talked Steven Adler, we talked Amanda Nunez, Stone

Cold, into early a month away from preseason football. Always another thing I saw this weekend. You guys ever watch that live at Darrell's house? Darrell Hall of Darrell Hall and Oates? He had Joe Walsh on. What a fucking... Every time I see that guy play, it's like, why do I always forget what an unbelievable fucking guitarist and singer that guy is. He came in and absolutely just fucking ripped. If you get a chance to watch that one, I think they're up online.

It's on like VH1 and then like this Headbangers ball thing came on and Nia somehow got into it. She has promised me at some point she's gonna sing, oh what the fuck is that song? That Queensryche song, I Don't Believe in Love. She's been singing that, that in teenage Frankenstein She just got into it. She loved it and thought it was silly all at the same fucking time So maybe on Thursday, she's a little tired today So I'll have her come on and sing some of that shit for you. But at this point, let's get to some of the questions here I Guess well, maybe before I do that just I got to say I do have to

Say something with all the just the shit that went on though over the past fucking week, you know With those two guys getting killed and then the five cops getting murdered it just I actually believe it or not. I think something Positive is gonna come out of this. I'm really hoping. I just feel like, I think everybody at this point, no matter what side you're on, there's one side, two sides of it, whatever the fuck, three sides, whatever the fuck it is at this point, I think everybody can kind of agree that whatever the fuck it is we're doing isn't working. And I'm really, I don't know. I don't know what it is as horrific as all of that stuff was to watch. I feel like at this point that, you know, everything on both sides was undeniable. That it was wrong and it shouldn't have happened.

And I think, I just, I don't know, I was fucking devastating as it was. I just feel like, I just feel like, like that was a bottoming out. I'm really hoping anyways. And that it's going to turn around. I'm hoping. Because I don't know, man, that's just, that's just one of the fucking worst, all of that shit. The worst shit I've ever seen in my life. Somebody just going for their license. He just kept replaying that, just wishing the guy said, listen, my license, can you want to reach for it? Can I get out of the car with my hands up and you just reach in and get it? Just so that doesn't have to happen. I was a fucking kid in the car. The whole thing was brutal. And then the cops in Dallas, they're just

down there, they're just trying to handle the crowd, make sure nobody gets hurt, and then just all of them. It was so fucking brutal, I didn't even look into the backgrounds of them. But people were married, had kids, and their dad isn't coming home. And she said, the whole fucking thing is horrible. And because it is so horrible, I'm really holding out that

something positive is going to come out of that. Because I don't know. Because what else can you think? I'm really holding out that something positive is gonna come out of that because I Don't know because what else can you think if you can't think it's something positive out of that That's just too fucking devastating to even think about all right, so let's get to the The questions here for this week all right Sweden hi mr. Burr I don't know if it's the correct way to address someone you don't know in the US. No, it's fine. It's fine. I like that you call me Mr. Burr. I'm old enough to be a mister here.

In Sweden, I would just call you Bill. By the way, I don't want to piss you off. Anyway, I was wondering if you're coming to Sweden again. I quote, discovered you on YouTube a year ago and I watch you every night while I put my son to sleep Oh, that's great. He said and I Laying in bed holding my mouth so I won't wake my son up. I would love to see you live greetings from Sweden PS sorry if my spelling mistakes spelling sucks. Sorry, dude. You're fucking your English is great compared to my shit Unless you just looked it all up and typed it. I'm definitely coming back.

I just got to figure out when. My life has changed a little bit now that I'm doing this show, but I think what I'm going to do, I have this European run that I'm going to do, and then I think I'm going to do another one possibly March, April of next year. But I'm also taping a special. I gotta make sure when I go over there though, I'm bringing the fucking, you know, I don't wanna come over there with some half-assed act. I'm not flying over the other side of the world

to give you guys an okay show. But I'm definitely gonna come back. I'd like to go back there and, well ideally I could go over there right before my special comes out and knock that out. That is is ideally that's what I could do But I'm definitely gonna come back and maybe do a little bit of Eastern Europe some other countries that I haven't been to We shall see but I'm definitely gonna come back like I've done the Sweden Norway Finland run two times already and

I think I've been to Sweden three times though because one one time I think I just did Sweden, then the next time was Sweden, Norway and Finland, but I'll definitely gonna get back, but thank you so much. That's a really fucking, that's a thrill that someone that far away is watching that stuff laughing at my stuff. Thank you very much. Okay, here we go. Bill, I fucked up and could use a hand. All right, let's see, why did you fuck up? Hey, you old biscuit bacon bitch. I fucked this one up and could use some of your broadcasted advice.

I'm a 26-year-old guy living and working in the great white north, Toronto to be exact, and I love your podcasts and all that shit. Thank you. Anyways, a few months ago I started seeing this really sweet girl. She's pretty, she's thoughtful, and she's as low maintenance as a 1991 Honda Civic. Okay. This sounds like the beginning of a horror movie. Everything's like fucking perfect, right? And he literally says perfect! Exclamation point. She deserves to be treated right. About a month ago, I And he literally says, perfect! Exclamation point. She deserves to be treated right. About a month ago, I was eating at a restaurant with a buddy when this smoking hot redhead

comes up to me out of the blue and says, hey, you're cute. Take my number. Let's go out sometime. I should have said no. I have a girlfriend right then and there, but the excitement of having a babe throw herself at me was too much for me to pass Up apps a fucking Luli it was That's like a fucking movie We're not wired to pass that moment up. I'm not saying you go and do it but Jesus He said I didn't have the damn strength to keep it in my pants later that night after a few Wobbly, I texted her

looking to meet up. We did, and we did the deed. I felt like a piece of shit." Ah, yes. We've all been there. As men, we've all been there. And a lot of ladies, too, which never gets any press because it's considered sexist to suggest that. Here's where it's getting interesting and slightly complicated. Not even 48 hours later I'm hanging out with my girlfriend when she gets a call from one of her friends saying, I have some bad news to tell you. Oh boy. I overheard the conversation coming from my girlfriend's phone and knowing exactly what

the bad news was, I snatched the phone from her and proceeded to spill my guts and told her the whole story. Well, there you go. At least you manned it up. Evidently, the friend that called was roommates with the redhead, and the redhead through social media had hunted me down and shown my picture to her roommates. Dude, you can't get away with anything anymore. Look at this.

The friend goes on to tell the redhead that I have a girlfriend Oh Dude, this is what this is like you're gonna end up with nothing here my girlfriend obviously was super upset But being the sweetheart she is and after many many's I'm so sorry from me She agreed to let me make try to make it up to her Kind of cheaters do this shit. I didn't even last 48 hours. Cut to two weeks later, myself and three of my buddies since kindergarten are on a mountaineering expedition in Peru.

Dude, what are you fucking Jason Bourne? What's going on here? Hot chicks throwing themselves at you now you're in fucking Peru? A trip we planned since February and I get this panic stricken email from my girlfriend saying she Parentheses the redhead had broken into my apartment and trashed the place See attached photos Do what the fuck women are fucking crazy Let's just say let's just say this, okay?

Like how is she hurt? She came walking up to you, threw a fucking clam at you, you fucking took it, who would ... You're not in a relationship with her. My voice is slowly cracking. You're not in a fucking relationship with her. Dude, you need to prosecute this fucking woman. This has to stop, this whole fucking thing that when women get upset, they can destroy property.

Let a guy go out and fucking trash some woman's car after she fucks around on him. He'll end up in jail and have to pay for the fucking car. Everything was smashed, my TV, one of my guitars, she cut up my bedsheets and the duvet, she even went so far as to throw all my towels in the bathtub and ran the water. How do I know it was the redhead, the dumb bitch left a note next to the TV saying cheaters never win or some bullshit like that. Give me a fucking break. She even bragged about the whole ordeal to her affirmation roommate Classic guy he just writes sheesh my girlfriend called my girlfriend called the cops and upon my return from Peru

I set up a restraining order against the redhead. You should fucking chart you should You should sewer Here's the problem all this drama has led to my girlfriend reconsidering her willingness to give me a second chance Dude, here's the real thing anytime some fucking smoking hot girl just comes up to you and throws it at you, you know it's a head case. Go with a fake name. I feel real bad about the whole situation and want to make it work between us, but there's this little voice in my head that says, let her break up with you and start fresh. I'm pretty confused

I was gonna say that just start over again, dude. You're 26 What are you gonna? You know? You got a dick this is gonna happen All right, so he goes I fucked up initially but forgiveness then got fucked with and the forgiveness was retracted anyways I hope you saw it your sage advice is half as good as those fucking pies you make. Thanks a lot and go fuck yourself. Yeah, dude, you know what you gotta do? You gotta walk and you gotta have this crazy redheaded bitch pay for your shit.

Alright? Jesus Christ. She takes no responsibility in that. Just walking around throwing her fucking pussy at everybody. I mean, what the fuck you think's going to happen? It's, you know, as a guy you can walk around throwing your dick at fucking people for years and not get anything. This is why there's the double standard. You know, if a guy does it he's a stud because he has to convince people. Just the way we're set it, it's the way we're set up. Okay, women are no better than guys.

It's what it is, is the way they're set up anatomically is they're letting someone enter their body. That is a major decision. Sticking your dick in something, it's, you know, it's funny. It's like, you know, it's like putting cereal back in the cabinet. I mean, you don't even fucking think about it. I probably, you know, that's probably ignorance in there. Yeah, I would just say like, you know what, you're right, I fucked up.

That's a really big pet peeve of mine that fucking women get to do shit like that. They just get to walk around, destroy your shit, just fucked up your TV and all that, dude. to walk around destroy your shit. Just fucked up your TV and all that dude and you just and your whole thing is just like sheesh like we're like sit we like we're just conditioned to be like all right that's what they do they ruin your stuff. Um dude you were 100% in the wrong you shouldn't have done it you definitely did a piece of shit thing you know but that doesn't give somebody the right to go to break into your fucking apartment. That's breaking and entering and destroying property. She

should be in jail. Um, this is what you do. I would break up with her and uh, I would, I would, yeah, I would try to take legal action against the redhead and at some point I'd, you know, you want to send her a note, but't do it just say yeah breaking and entering you know fucking felons never win either whatever the fuck that is yeah dude whatever you know it happened and yeah you know what I would do if you're 26 stay single for a while stay single for a while go to the gym get back in shape figure out what the fuck you want to do do you want to fuck a bunch of women or do you want to meet the one? But I think at this point, dude, you got enough fucking drama.

I can't believe she gets to do that. First of all, she got laid, the redhead. She got fucking laid. She had a great fucking time, and she gets to bust up somebody's place like a fucking rock star and then walk out of there and feel like she's a fucking hero. This is why I don't give a shit that they make less an hour than I do, because when you add up all the fucking perks, I mean, it's a pretty good goddamn deal being a woman. You know, you get all your emotions out all the fucking time,

you get to break up people's shit, and you get to live longer than men. I don't know what the fucking problem is. You're gonna complain about an extra 79 cents? All right, ex-wife wants me to adopt ex's son. Hey there, Bill Burlington, Cunt Factory. I usually laugh at some of the poor schmucks who write into your, into you asking the advice.

Today, I'm that schmuck. I won't go into every little detail about this in hopes you can give me some advice. A few years ago, I married my soon to be ex-wife. Dude, I was so fucking thinking about that woman ruining your apartment and how they can just get away with that. Let me, let me, I wasn't even paying attention.

Read this again. Today I'm the smuck. Okay, I won't go into every detail. All right. A few years ago I married my soon to be ex-wife. Along with the marriage came her two-year-old son. His biological father is a deadbeat who didn't hold down a job and avoids child support. He has never had any contact with the son.

Wow. All right. So I did the most manly thing that one can do besides going to community college. I put on my big boy pants and I took her son in as my own. He calls me dad and whatnot. We bonded. I really care for the kid. The first few years of marriage of my wife were great, which ended up leading us to having our very own daughter. And then my wife turned into a whore. Oh, God, what happened? So we're going through the divorce and I still pick both kids up even though I'm legally responsible for one. I carry her and her son on my insurance to this day, maybe against my better judgment. But I'd like to

give her some time to get her shit together until I drop her off. Drop her off of it? Completely? Drop her out of it, I think I'm going to say. Completely. Well, the finalization of the divorce papers is in August. The soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law keeps insisting that I legally adopt her grandson. No, don't do that. Now, here's the thing. I send a very gracious amount in support payments bi-weekly. We choose to not go through the court system because my ex sees that I'm a good father and still take responsibility of her son. Keep it like that. I flat out said, no, I'm not legally adopting him. Yeah, your fucking mother-in-law does not want you to legally adopt him because she

thinks you're a good father. Okay? She's looking at you like an ATM machine, like a lot of women do with men, which, once again, you can't fucking say that, despite the 10 million fucking examples of it, it's considered sexist. All right. One wrong move, and now the court system has me by the balls for support for two legal Children what what happened? Yeah. Yes it flat-out. Yeah, he said in flat-out

No, because one wrong move and now the court system has me legally by the balls for the support of two children Yeah, there's no fucking reason for you to do that. They don't hold anything over you. They have no negotiating nothing The mother-in-law is in sit unless they try to keep your daughter from you negotiating nothing. The mother-in-law is insisting that if I don't legally adopt him, I'm a scumbag who doesn't deserve to see him, and Eve has gone so far in so many words to say I won't be seeing him. She's even getting my ex on board with this. Like I said, I really care for the kid.

He's a good kid who never had a father figure until I came into his life six years ago. What's my play here? Thanks and go fuck yourself. What you're seeing with these two fucking lunatics, generation fucking psychos here, is the tip of the fucking iceberg with these people. Okay, they don't give a shit about you. They're looking at you like an ATM machine, and they're already fucking with you. They don't they don't about you. They're looking at you like an ATM machine, and they're already fucking with you.

They don't have that kid's best interest in mind. They think they do. They don't. They're using him as a fucking negotiating tool. All right? I'm surprised they haven't said, well, we'll fucking go for full custody with your daughter and try to fuck with that. That'll probably be their next fucking move.

And here's the thing, with them, okay? With them, the more you're in their lives, the worse it's gonna get. Do not legally bind yourself to them whatsoever. And this is what I would do. Do not get emotional at all. Do not get into a fuck you, fuck you fight with the mother-in-law.

Do not get into a fuck you, fuck you fight with the mother-in-law. Do not get into a fuck you, fuck you fight with your soon-to-be ex-wife. You have leverage in that your ex-wife, as much as she's going to divorce you here, still cares about you. You guys still had a child together. And you just have to just talk to her logically and just say I'm not comfortable doing that but I'm going to continue to make payments and support and all that and help you out with your son and obviously our daughter. Alright? And this pressure that your your mother-in-law is putting on this is only going to make both of our lives miserable so what you do is you you you divide and conquer there just say i have no

problem with you and the way that we get along i don't think your mother-in-law understands and that's why she's applying this pressure but that pressure is it's gonna be bad for us and it's gonna be bad for our kids let's just continue going on like this I love you son and you know I'm gonna continue to support him that's as far as it goes all right and I'm totally comfortable with supporting him I'm giving you my word but I'm not you know I'm not doing the legal thing I'm not doing it and you just that's it That's it And if they want to keep coming at you I'm telling you right now if you do you think that when you legally adopt that kid

Do you honestly fucking think that that's gonna be the end of the demands? What the fuck is the mother-in-law involved in this shit for anyways? Right there. That's a nightmare. That's a fucking nightmare Anyways, right there, that's a nightmare. That's a fucking nightmare situation. And so many married women have that fucking, that ridiculously close relationship with their mom. You know what I mean? And it, to the point that it hurts the fucking relationship.

And God forbid, as a guy, you keep bringing your mom into the fucking relationship with your wife, that's a fucking rap. That's a fucking rap. It's a fucking rap. But once again, guys put up with that shit. We put up with that shit. We put up with them coming in, busting up our shit. Dude, you hold all of the fucking cards here.

That's it. They don't have a dime. They're not even in the fucking game. You hold all the fucking cards. Do not do this. You don't have to do this. Just stay calm and keep reassuring your soon-to-be ex-wife that, you know, you're doing what's best for the kids and what's best for you and what's best for both of you guys. And just keep saying,

this pressure that your mother-in-law is putting on us is unnecessary. Unnecessary, it's just, we're good. Okay? I'm still, like, if I was going to be vindictive, it would have happened by now. I'm still picking both of them up. All right? There's no way I'm going to let anything happen to your son, and there's no way I'm letting anything happen to our daughter. That's it.

That's it. So, tell your fucking mother to shut the fuck up. Hey, I can't do that part. Don't do that part. All right. Hairy girlfriend. Oh, Jesus. Here we go.

Hairy girlfriend. Dear Red Haring. Ha ha ha. I'm a 25 year old guy of moderately good looks and mid-level intelligence. This is both, that means you're actually a smart guy. People who walk around thinking they're smart are fucking dopes. This has both helped and hurt my game.

I've had girlfriends, nobody who's like mildly intelligent like thinks that. That takes like a level of intelligence to understand that there's a lot of people way smarter than you. You know, people who just get like that fucking medium brain, like they walk around, they think they're the shit. You know what I mean? They walk around, they make bold fucking statements, and people listen to them, right? Like Donald Trump, that guy's, he's got a mid-level brain.

He's too stupid to realize what a fucking dope he is, and then people just listen to him. He's, you become the Pied Piper of fucking morons and the next thing you know you're there. Oh God. What a fucking decision. That fucking idiot or that goddamn lunatic. Anyways, here we go. This is help, mid-level intelligence. I've had girlfriends in the past but most were just objects of lust instead of true connections I met a new girl through a dating app not proud of that. Why I wish that thing existed back in the day It's like the fucking draft all of a sudden you fucking bill Belichick of your dick there And things are great. She's beautiful smart and actually gets my sense of humor That's why dating apps are great

You can cut through a lot of bullshit, as far as I've heard. Or meet a serial killer. After a while of casual dating, we started to become more serious. She is of Brazilian descent and has some body hair. Nothing crazy, just arms and lower back type shit. Here's my question. Is there a subtle way I can tell her to lose the fur or should I just stop being a cunt and be happy? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Ummm...

Alright, how do you do this? Best case scenario is you're a little furry too. And then what you do is say, hey, I'm gonna go fucking, uh, get some of the fucking, I don't know, hair taken off my back. You want to do a two for one? That's not going to work. Don't say that. Um... Jesus Christ. She has some on her lower back.

And where else? Oh, on her arms. So she's just her arms. Uh... You know what? I'm going to fucking, I'm going to act like on who wants to be a millionaire. On her arms, so she just her arms You know what I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna act like on who wants to be a millionaire I'm gonna fucking phone it not even phone a friend I'm gonna fucking Google this how to tell your girlfriend She is too hairy.

How to get out of a hairy situation. Five ways to get a girl to shave downtown. Oh god, guys are the worst. You know, I actually thought, you know what, that was on the brobible.com. Hey bro. How do you tell a girl she has a bit of facial hair? You know what? That was on thebrobible.com. Hey, bro. How do you tell a girl she has a bit of facial hair? My girlfriend has a lot of hair on her ass. How do I approach this?

OK, here we go. This is on Reddit. You know what? Reddit's not going to have the fucking answer. I'm going to go with this one. The student room. How do I tell my girlfriend she's too hairy? Well, this is another fucking chat room. I'm dating a girl.

Okay, we know what the deal is. How dare you dislike something that comes naturally? Oh, God, these fucking broads. I swear to God. Hashtag yes all women. Stop imposing your... fucking patriarchal standards on this poor girl if you have nothing good to say don't say anything at all it's her

body give me a fucking what women do the second you get in a fucking relationship with them they're constantly trying to change you if you don't like it don't be with her don't make her feel insecure Jesus all the hairy chicks are chiming in how would you like if she told you to shave your sweaty hairy balls? I would say absolutely sweetheart. Why would I want to have hairy sweaty balls in your face if it's turning you off? The game plan here is to get you in the mood. By all means, what do you want me to do? You could maybe remove your own man-lady garden that would create natural opportunities to discuss your lady friend's luxuriant growth.

That was kind of my suggestion. Just tell her. Seriously. Why do you let people create stupid threats? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I don't... Yeah, this is a hard one. Yeah, it's a really fucking difficult one, because you're talking about something, it's

this weird thing that they can't help, but they can also fix very easily. Although, yeah, it kind of hurts too, right? According to the 40-year-old virgin. Why don't you learn how to do it? Does she sleep on her stomach? Right? And then just when she's asleep, you just put it on her, and then you just go, whoosh. And then as she sits up to scream, you just fake asleep.

And she goes, what the fuck was that? I don't know, I think you had a bad dream. She's like, my back's killing me. Oh, well you were sleeping on your front, maybe you were putting pressure on your spine. I don't know. And then when she wakes up the next fucking morning, you know, she goes back to sleep, she wakes up the next morning. Maybe she doesn't notice. But then you got to do it every time. Yeah, I guess you just got to tell her. Like, come on, ladies. It's got to be... It's got to be something that we do, right?

You know what it is about women? They can sit down. They can sit down and just tell you. And as a guy, you just have to take it. You just have to fucking take it. It's consciously. I think that that is that why we died before them It's just it's just a one-way fucking street. Oh Dude I don't know I don't I don't know what to tell you man. That's a tough one

Listen, I love you. I'm crazy about you. I think you're really attractive I was just There's one thing you don't have bad breath. Yeah't have bad breath, you're gorgeous and all that, it's just, there's any way you could just take down a little bit of the lower back fur. I mean, you know what's funny? She's Brazilian, you know? They came up with the Brazilian wax. It's like, can you do the Brazilian wax to your fucking back?

Why don't you get her a tramp stamp, right? So, you'll have to shave it anyways. And then you'll be like, you know, you gotta keep it shaved there so people can always see a tattoo. Get her an anchor tattoo on both her forearms, or a couple of dragons like Bon Scott. I don't know what to tell you. That's a rough one you know I'll try to remember that one for Thursday when Nia's on all right hey Bill is there any type of gig you

wouldn't do would you prefer yeah of course there was would you perform for the Queen of England and all our stiff cohorts no how about a room full of priests at the Vatican absolutely not not. Not all the shit I've said about them and then I'm in their country. That's a sovereign state, Vatican City. Bonus question. What is the exact dollar amount it would take you to do a cruise ship? Well I already, I did one a long time ago. Now I, there's no dollar amount. I don't have a lot of, I'm not really into stuff. I'm into no debt. So I've kept my, I've lived within my means

and I have enough t-shirts and shit and I can eat. And, you know, so no, I can make enough money on land. I don't need to do that. There is no amount. There really isn't. As of today, July 11th, 2016, the 10th when I'm doing it, who knows, in the future? I don't know, when I'm like 60, I imagine then you could talk me on a boat if you gave me like, Bill, you could do one more fucking gig. We're going to give you fucking something zillion dollars to do this gig and then you got to walk away from stand up.

I might be so fucking tired at that point that I do it. But as of right now, 48 years old, there's no dollar amount that can get me on a fucking cruise ship. You know what could? A benefit, if there was some sort of benefit of some shit and it actually seemed legit I'm a sucker for a fucking benefit, but like you know Yeah, I don't I don't need to go on a fucking boat I don't want to go on a boat and just be on this fucking thing with the crowd

the entire time and You know if you're happy and you know it clap your hands. I've been on it. They're fucking brutal. I worked with a guy doing that. There was a juggler and you couldn't fucking say anything. You just had to sit there and act like the cruise was the greatest fucking thing you have ever been a part of. It just went against everything about being a comedian.

You know, we're contrarians. All right. So that's the podcast. People, if you want to write in, and anybody have a hairy girlfriend out there and you had to say something? Or even better, women? Have you? There had to be something. You guy, maybe he had a giant fucking something on the side of his fucking, I don't know what, his head or some shit, you know? He was warty, moly or some shit. You had to say something? Had halitosis? He was warty, moly or some shit. You had to say something.

Had halitosis. I don't know. I think if a woman had a smelly vagina, I think it'd be easier to tell her that than that she had a hairy back. How do you do it? How do you just, listen, you know, I think you're beautiful, you know,

I think you're gorgeous, and you know you turn me on and everything But I just you know, it's so funny. It's just how guys you know, just our shit is not validated You know like of a woman didn't you know was turned off by something god for fucking bid I mean if you still climbed on top of her with your hairy back I mean, I think you'd be charged with some sort of like, you know, I Don't know, pubic rape or backpube rape or some shit. Cops would show up and put you in some sort of chokehold and

drag you out of the fucking house and God knows if you ever see you see anybody again. Yeah, you know what? You stumped me. I got to think about that one. All right. Well, that's the podcast, the Monday Morning Podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy your next couple of days. I'll check in on you on Thursday and maybe I'll have Nia help me answer that question, all right? That's it. Go fuck yourselves.