Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-12-18

Episode Date: July 12, 2018

Bill rambles about World Cup Soccer, MeTV, and Drake.

Hey, what's going on? It's bill bird. It's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? There's some happy people out there. There's some sad people out there was a wonderful couple of days of soccer here in the World Cup. France beats Belgium and England falls to Croatia. It's coming home. It's coming home. I finally looked it up to see like, why did they keep saying that it's coming home? I immediately assumed like, well, obviously England must have won the most championships. And this is their arrogant fucking way of being like, yeah, this is where it rightfully belongs. Kind of like when the Yankees win

a World Series and then all those fucking talking heads on ESPN will go and everything is all is right in baseball again. It's why, why? Because a 200 million dollar team want to fucking playoff series. Playoffs. Turns out that's not what it is. Evidently, the game of soccer, now this might are football, footy, whatever the fuck you call it. Evidently, it was according to the English. It was created in England. They were the ones who decided despite the fact that you have four limbs you can only use two. They wanted a degree of difficulty. They weren't like the animals over here, you know, where we get bored and they're like, pick it up. You know, tackle them, which meant jump on his back and throw

him to the fucking ground. Now tackle over there as you trip somebody. You stick your foot out and you trip them. So evidently it started over there. That's what they're saying. So that's what it meant because I thought it meant that they had the most championships. And then I looked up all time World Cup champions. All right, what you got to do? How the fuck do you not to do? I don't give a fuck what the sport is. I want to know who dominated. Turns out Brazil, since 1930, they won the most. They've won five, 58, 62, 70, 94, 2002, which is a fucking lot considering it's every four years. How many have there been? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 20. This is the

21st one and they've won 20. They won like whatever the fucking was that 20% of them, 25% of them. Then Germany. Yeah, they got four. Italy has four. Oh, they should have had five and 94. I remember that one. Argentina hand to God. That guy, whatever his name was. The hell was that guy's name? Diego or some shit? What the fuck was his name? I used to know his name. Yeah, one of those fucking names where it's just like the second they gave him that his name, it's just like pussy is going to be raining down on this guy. Right? I forget hand to God guy, that guy. It was weird. He was like in shape and he also looked fat. What the fuck was his name? Diego Aragamo or something like that. I can't fucking remember. Then I hope I say this right.

I always thought it was Uruguay. Uruguay won it twice. And then England, France and Spain have all won it once. That's interesting because I thought Spain was a powerhouse and I would have thought England won a bunch way back in the day when it's probably just a bunch of white guys running around. Right? I also don't, so that's why they say it's coming home. It's not some arrogant shit. It's like, hey, you know, this game that the whole world loves, you know, not to pat ourselves on the back, but guess what? We came up with it. It's our shit. Okay? You know, it's not just all about colonization, the caste system and enslaving people of other colors around the world. It's not just about that's not all we did. Okay? Hey, hey, hey, you want to focus on the negative,

you can do that. Okay? But you can't deny that the beautiful game of football, known as soccer over here in the States, as we sit around eating hobbies, right, was evidently created in England. I don't know when they did it. You'd think for it to have a World Cup by 1930 for it to sweep the fucking nation. Wait a minute. They also had an empire back then. Oh, I get it. So they came up with this game. They'd come in, they'd fucking take you over. They'd fucking kill a bunch of people and everybody was like, man, these guys are fucking assholes, man. I settled down, settled down. I'm going to teach you a little game. All right, you can't use your arms. A lot of you had your arms chopped off because you couldn't find any gold anyway. So this is going to work real well for

you. All you can use is your feet and your fucking head. And the game spread like wildfire across the globe. As England expanded her empire, I never understood why it was considered female. Was that to tone it down? There was a bunch of lunatic guys going around the world going, this is a nice place to live. Too bad there's other people here. What can we do about this? Everybody does it. Everybody's done it since the beginning of time. You go back, you go back far enough in history books. This is what all guilty white people do. Everybody, you know, Africans enslaved other Africans, you know, they always say that shit. Try to get past it. You know, it's like the Billy Joel song. We didn't start the fire,

which has got to be the most classic, the most classic fucking baby boomer response. I mean, what a fucking baby. He couldn't even take a little bit of responsibility. You know? Hey, we can start and he starts naming all this shit. Half of it is like pop stars like Marilyn Monroe. What did she have to do with foreign policy? I know she fucked a couple of Kennedys, but I mean, other than that, I don't think that dictated whether or not we went into Cuba. Doris Day fucking bees. Trouble in the Suez. The fuck he, he must have been on blow when he wrote that song. It's like Billy, are you going to take any responsibility for the self-centered cunts that the baby boom

generation was? I'm not saying everything you did was bad. I mean, you invented the Frisbee, right? Was that you guys or was that the greatest generation? I know somewhere in there, there's got to be truth, right? From the greatest generation, you know, that generation also didn't want to play baseball with Jackie Robinson, by the way, to the baby boomers who are, you know, widely considered the most selfish cunts, you know, this country has ever produced, right? Just sitting around staring at the navel, you know, this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, right? That's the same generation that gave us hippies, patchouli, Bergen stocks, you know, fucking in the mud at a concert. I used to have a theory way back in the day,

you know, when they talked about HIV and AIDS, they always said that, you know, it was somebody, you know, I was trying to somewhat a monkey or some shit and some guy in France got it. I never thought it was that. I used to have a theory that, you know, if you watch the Woodstocks tapes and you just see all those naked white people rolling around fucking each other in the mud, I mean, you can't tell me that something didn't come out of that, you know, at least a stronger strain of the mumps, right? So anyways, to get back to it, you know, I was, I was working as an actor. I was actoring the last couple of days. And I was talking to this dude going like, yeah, how come England keeps saying it's coming home when they were talking about the World Cup?

And he goes, is that what they're saying? Those colonizing cunts, like fucking dude went off. You know, it's just like, you know, white people were not all bad. I mean, there's some things, you know, windows curtains, you know, we've done some nice things. You know, now you can look out your house and see all the lack of opportunity right, right from inside your house without white people. Am I actually taking credit for windows? I don't know. I have no idea. I don't read. Oh, speaking of which, oh my God. Oh my God. I said on my last podcast that the Obama's bought an $82 million house, turned out it was an $8.1 million house. It wasn't even $8.2 million.

That's how off I was. And this is my favorite thing. So now all these people are like, what? They're all going, why don't you do your fucking homework, man? Like nothing makes people flip out, not even religion, unless you make fun of Muslims, then those fucking lunatics will liable to do something. But fucking, if you make, if you make fun of like a Democrat or Republican, nothing brings people out of the woodwork. So all these people are like, why don't you do your fucking homework, blah, blah, which is hilarious. This whole podcast is based on me not doing any homework, not reading whatsoever. So I'm just going to tell you, you political cunts out there, you got a lot of fucking nerve. A lot. I just said AIDS came for white people fucking in the mud

at Woodstock. Are you going to come back at me on that one? Why don't you do your fucking homework, man? This whole podcast exists for one reason and one reason only. It's to make you feel smarter. We hear at the Monday morning podcast, and by we, I mean me in the voices in my head that agree with me, we hear at the Monday morning podcast, set the bar so low that even you, you know, with that college that you went to that advertised on television and you drove yourself there and they, like living there was not even an option. They didn't have dorms. They just, you know, was your college one giant, sad building looking like a high school for people in their 20s? Yeah. Yeah, that's who you are. And you know what? Even you get to feel smart on this podcast.

So my favorite thing is, if you go back and you listen to my podcast on Monday, when I thought I was so fucking right about the Obama's buying this $82 million house is somebody actually wrote into the podcast and goes, you know, Bill, I love you, but why don't you do your homework? Obama just signed a $62 million book deal. Okay. And this is what's fucking hilarious. He's telling me to do my homework. He didn't even do the homework to look up, to double check what the fuck I said, even safe. It was true. He just took it for granted that I said $82 million house. And then he's like, he took that as truth and started looking up the guy's fucking book deal. So why don't you do your fucking homework, man? All right, for the nine millionth time,

okay, on this podcast, do not take anything I say seriously. Okay, you can disagree with it. When you can correct me and all that, but just don't get upset. And don't be fucking surprised that I fucking don't read. And then my facts might be off by a good $72 million. Okay. You know, do you guys sound like all you fucking political cunts out there bitching at me? You sound like all these fucking fat actresses out here who are bitching about Hollywood, acting as though they're surprised that so much of this fucking industry is based on how you look. Was that really a shocker? Had you never been to a movie, you didn't notice a trend? Do you think it's just you? You know what I mean? You fucking sloppy tits who's having

a rough time. I'm a fucking bald, red-headed male. I have no sympathy for you. Nobody's knocking down their fucking door to put me in an action movie, you know? I could be hell, boy. Do a fucking cycle of steroids. I already have the head. You just fucking paint it red and you're ready to go. I could do a headstand and fucking my head would turn so red you could save the amount of money you'd save on makeup and time alone. Bill, do a fucking handstand. Okay, you're in the scene. Anyways, so I guess the Obama's bought an $8.1 million house, not an $82 million house, which then led me into this whole thing. This is his third book that he's written.

It's like he was writing books while he was president. Are you supposed to be running the fucking country? Fuck, it's sitting there dealing with the Russians and all these terrorist groups and all that shit and then you're like fucking at nighttime. Take a little legal pad. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. These fucking assholes aren't writing the books. They always got like somebody else. It's like written by Bill Clinton and the other guy who actually wrote the book. Yeah, I want to write a thriller. How about you and me write it, right? Like you'll put your name and put my name on the cover and then you like write it. What is that book about? You got to write what you know. It's got to be something about somebody

fucking sneaking around on his wife, right? Stinking cigars and people. It's too on the nose. I wanted to be challenged. I wrote about a guy who was faithful. Sorry for the bad Bill Clinton. Now you guys, Bill, why don't you do your homework? The book is actually about his experiences when he was at Oxford. Oxford in England. The home where it all started. I taped both of those games. I was working both days. So I have to go back and watch them. And I got to tell you, man, I am so fucking sold on that game now. I don't know what happened. I had so much fun making fun of soccer all these fucking years and it's crazy. And then watching the highlights of when a goal is scored, like my hope, my whole

complaint about the sport is what makes the sport so great. The fact that scoring is so goddamn difficult. The fucking, the emotion that gets let off when these people score. I mean, Jesus Christ, like in my country, if you dump a beer on somebody after some sort of point is scored, you're going to get into a fight over there. I mean, it looks like a fucking, I don't know what it looked like. It looked like a sports bar combined with the money shot in a porno. Everybody's jumping up and down, just spraying booze all over the place. Pardon me. It kind of was a little annoying. Like, why are you wasting all that good booze, you know? Because I'm taking another month off, you know me.

I impose my own little fucking sabbaticals, you know what I mean? And after that, my little excursion over there to Europe. Oh my God, there's just, I'll, that says, the 1664 that fucking beer tastes so goddamn good in that goddamn glass in that one cafe. Over there in Europe, over there in France, right, that I refuse, I've seen it over here, and I've been tempted to buy it. And it's like, I'm not going to fucking do it. Because this is what happens, like when you go to Ireland, and you drink Guinness over there, and then you come back here and you want to continue it, it fucking sucks. And you know what else I did? You know, it's just unbelievably, like just on another level is Indian food in England. I went to this

fucking place. The Indian food was so goddamn good. I've been, I've, I've ordered it twice since there, once in France, it was okay. And then I ordered it here in LA and it fucking sucked. And I was like, I got to walk away, you know? It's like you go to Paris and you come home, you're like, you know, I'm going to have a French breakfast, I'm going to get a croissant, right? And then you go down to the fucking supermarket and you get it, and it's like somebody pulled it out of their shoe, you know, it just all goes back to the when in Rome thing. Yes, go on. You know what I mean? That's the only thing that sucks about traveling. You know what I mean? Like, I think I'm going to do a gig in Buffalo coming up. I haven't been there

in fucking forever. And what's going to happen is I'm going to go to Duffy's or that other fucking place with, you know, where they came up with Buffalo winks. And I'm going to eat them and they're going to be so goddamn good. And then I'm going to come back out here and I'm going to have that fucking crack in my system going, well, I'm going to get, I got to get some wings out here and I'm going to eat them and they're going to suck. And then it's just depressing. You're like the only place to get good wings is in Buffalo. It really is. I've never gone to any other place other than Buffalo that really knows how to make good Buffalo winks. That's it. Now, I just lobbed that out there for all of you guys to lose your fucking shit. I actually went to Buffalo.

I went to doggies. I didn't think it was that good. What you want to do is go to Cincinnati and go to fucking muffies. They have the best ones. I followed Joe Rogan on all social media and he posted this really fascinating thing that within 10 minutes, I was like, I don't even know what the fuck this guy's talking about. He was talking something about fasting and how it's actually could be good for you. I mean, Dick Gregory wrote a whole bunch of books on this type of shit, right? Rest his soul and saying how, you know, let's the organs rejuvenate and all of that type of shit. And I thought it was really fascinating until about 10 minutes in, I realized I didn't

understand what the guy was talking about. And I looked at him and he was not in the best of shape. He looked a little mushy, you know, which I would think would happen if you fasted, you'd get a little fleshy because your body would keep eating muscle. You know what I mean? I don't know. But anyways, the fuck was my point? I was talking about food. Oh, Jesus, I don't fucking know. I have no idea. Troubled in the sewers. JFK blown away. What else do I have to say? And he tips the table over like a fucking baby. Why am I talking about that? Because I was watching TV late night and I watched all these

old 80s videos. And that song came on. You know, I'm telling you, my new show is 77 Sunset Strip with Ephraim Symbolist Jr., who I was always a big fan of because of that FBI show. And I've been, you know, I've been maintained, you know, I think yesterday was the first day I snapped while driving in a while and it felt weird. And I immediately dialed it back down. And my move for all you other angry guys out there, like me, and you're not angry, you're not an angry guy, you just, that's your default emotion. Like, you know what I mean? Like to really be an angry guy, you just have to be like walking around seething, which I don't. I walk around totally normal and then something happens and I fucking flip

out, you know, and have a fucking meltdown. And then it just takes people, it's just, it's so fucking over the top that everybody forgets what a great guy was for the previous four hours. That's essentially what it is. And it's like a fucking five minute meltdown, you know? It's like, what about the other four hours where I was a good guy? And it's just like, no, Bill, no. What you did in that five minutes negated all that. It's like doing four hours of fucking cardio and then sitting down and eating a box of fucking Oreo cookies. It's just, you just negated all of that. It's over. You're still a fat fuck emotionally. So anyways, I listened to baseball. I listened to the Red Sox on Sirius XM and actually watched and I came home. Now it's making me watch him again.

Fucking Chris sales of goddamn beast. He watched the game last night. When he walked that guy, he didn't think that he walked him and he got fucking mad. So he started throwing like 98, 99 miles an hour on the corners. That crazy delivery. I don't know. We shall see that. I don't know who that bum was that they brought in the fucking eighth inning that almost gave me up four to nothing. And he's like, you know what, let's make the gamblers nervous. He's a nice fatty hanging out over the plate. Bam, base hit. Boom, double four to one load him up. They finally got him out of there. Then our relief pitcher. I don't know anybody's name. That guy comes out there. He hangs his arm like he's drying a shirt or some shit.

He came out there and shut them the fuck down. So I'm like, I'm back into that shit and I'm actually going to be really sad when the world cup's over. When is the finals out on say that's going to be crazy. One match for all the fucking mobles. Can you imagine if that comes down to penalty kicks again? I used to think that was the stupidest fucking thing ever. Like a world basketball, like a basketball championship coming down to foul shots. You know what I mean? That would just be like boring as shit. But now I get it. Because if you fuck it up, I really feel like the goaltender has like no pressure because all he has to do is just guess. You know, I love that they're guessing. It's just a total guess. And when

they guess right, they guess right, they stand up like, yeah, like, like there was some sort of intelligent thought there. It's just like left, right, left, right, diving left. Fuck, he went right. That always, it's always funny when they guess wrong. When they're, they start to dive that way and they realize the guy went the other way and you just watch the goaltender like his whole body goes limp like, ah, I should tell the other way and he just fucking lands on the grass. But the pressure on the shooter, they don't want to miss the net. So I'm gathering it takes massive balls to try to shoot it up top to go top corner. Which why wouldn't you just go there? He's not going to fucking get that. Because it's like, what if I miss? Then I'm that cunt that fucking missed

for the rest of my fucking life and fat, crooked, gray teeth, fish and chip eat and fucking assholes can get in my grill everywhere I go for the rest of my life. People who never accomplished shit now can take out the failure of their life on me because I tried to go top shelf. What do you guys call it? What do you guys call shelves over there? The bonnet? The boot? What the fuck do you always have some stupid fucking name for it? I've noticed that on cooking shows, every ingredient you guys pronounce differently. Oregano, oregano, tomato, tomato, basil, basil. It's like, are they just fucking with me? There wasn't one thing, did we hate England that much by the end of it?

I really think that we were like the summer school kids that came over here in like the weird religious people. You know, we all came over here and you had people who weren't good in school, fucking people that were too into religion and those two people combined made Americans. And that's why I am the product of that and I thought an 8.1 million dollar house was 82 million dollars. Why don't you do your homework? Why don't you go fuck yourself? Do my homework. I'm not in fucking school, all right? I'm not getting this business to think. All right, let me read you a little bit of advertising here. JFK blown away when I was doing FDJ tipping over a fucking table.

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pair for free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meundies.com. That's meundies.com and lastly, but not leastly, helix.com. Oh, after this, I'm going to tell you about my stand-up setting I had last night. There's nobody on the planet like you. You're special. You have something to say and by all means, please emote about it on social media. Dino, I actually tweeted about this on the Twitter there. They actually had a hashtag. Hashtag things I don't tolerate. Oh my God. It had to be the most self-serving fucking thing. It was just such an excuse for everybody to see what a wonderful open-minded person you are. Things I don't tolerate. Bigotry, mean people, people yet pickling people who are weaker. You know, is that all obvious

shit? Hashtag things that taste good. Ice cream, cookies. Helix. There's nobody on the planet like you, so why the fuck would you buy a generic mattress built for everyone else? Maybe because you hate shopping. I don't know. Next, please mention all the talking points below. Well, I will. If you write it, I'll read it. Helix Sleep matches your body to the perfect mattress so you get the best sleep of your life. They developed nine different mattresses tailored to specific body types and sleep preferences. All right, so everybody's different, but there's only nine different designs. Maybe there's all kinds of offshoots. You're not like everybody else. You're like one in nine

people. Just go to helixsleep.com slash burr. Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that's perfect for you. Contouring your body to provide unprecedented comfort and better sleep. 30% of Helix Sleep customers report better sleep after switching to their customized mattress from Helix Sleep. Right now, they're offering, hey, Nia, what's up? Come here. The lovely Nia, everybody, for up to $125 off all mattress orders. Nia, do you realize that you're a unique human being? What? Yes, you're a unique human being. You're only like one out of every nine people. One out of every nine? Well, these guys make unique mattresses. Yeah, they said everybody's the same, but they have nine different mattress types. That's Helix. Okay,

so get 125. Wait, is it Helix? No, I'm confused. I don't know either. They never told me. He looks. Oh, I feel like I knew this and now I don't remember. Hey, you finished reading this. Whether you're a side sleeper, hot sleeper, like a plush or firm bed, they've got the mattress that will fit just right. Get up to 125% off at helixsleep.com slash burr. That's helixsleep.com slash burr for $125 off your mattress order. Helixsleep.com slash burr. There you go. Yeah, does it rhyme with Felix? I don't think it does. I think it's Helix. I feel like I knew this. I feel like I gave you shit about it. Oh, okay. And now I don't remember. Now you don't remember. Hey, so last night,

I went, last night, I was out and about. I went to Bobcat Goldwaiths. It has a new show on TrueTV called Bobcat Goldwaiths. Was it Monsters and Misfits? Misfits and Monsters, something like that. I don't know what it is, but it's on TrueTV. I watched an episode of it last night. It's fucking, it's classic Bobcat. It's totally original. If you just look up, if you just search Bobcat Goldwaiths, right? If you do that, you're going to find it. It's on TrueTV. What was last night? What was last night? Wednesday? Yes. Wednesday night at 10 o'clock on TrueTV. That's right. There you go. So I went down to the premiere. I got there late because I was working as an actor. I had to take off my little fucking tights when I was done acting. And I was feeling guilty because I wanted to go

down there. I had friends. I had to see them, but I hadn't done stand up in a minute and I'm going to be in Portland and Seattle this weekend. So I got to shake the fucking rust off. I wish I could go to Portland and Seattle with you. Well, Nia, it's only a Southwest or Alaskan flight away. Yeah, I want to go. I have a friend in Portland. I've always wanted to see Portland and I just feel like the microphone is so close to my mouth. Oh, sorry. Yeah. And I've never been to Seattle either. Both places I've been wanting to go. I invited you. Yeah, you did. Can I get back to my story? Oh, sorry. So this is what I love about LA. So I'm walking out. I Ubered over, right? Smoked a cigar with one of my great friends in this business. And then I was walking out going,

ah, man, I didn't do stand up. Should I pause? I don't want to fucking Uber over there and then Uber home. Fuck this. So I just start walking home and I walked by a fucking who does and there was these young comics barking out for a comedy show coming. They saw me coming down the street and they laugh. Hey, want to go to comedy show? I said, no, they go, you want to go up and like, nah, thank you though. And then I walked about 10 feet. I was like, fuck it. I need to get a set and I went in there and I did a set at Hooters last night upstairs in the big room in the main room in the main room. It was a bunch of young kids there. Did you get wings while you were there? No. What about the Buffalo shrimp? Yeah, I literally walked in. It was awesome. They put

me on like the fucking president. They put me on immediately. I went up. I did. Of course, Bill. Everybody knows you at Hooters. I went on and I said I do 10 to 15. I feel like I did around 12. It felt like a 12. I got my laps. I shook the rust off and I fucking walked out. It was great. It was perfect. Then I walked out, walked halfway down the block and there was a taxi, which I love, old school. And I got into it. I said, you working? He goes, yes. And I got in. I go, how you doing? He goes, eh, so, so. I was like, all right, I appreciate that. And he goes, and he left this motherfucker with a fucking, fucking driving home just cursed. I can be myself. Just cursing everybody in the way. So you had a good night last night. I had a great night.

Yes. Without alcohol. I don't need it, man. Can we just talk about Hooters for a second? I really love the buffalo shrimp. What is it? Yeah, it's shrimp with buffalo sauce. It's just like, oh, and they give you like this blue cheese dipping sauce to go with it. Oh my god. Dude, blue cheese is the most disgusting. One of the more disgusting foods. You know that we watch an undercover brother and they were talking about how white people like very underrated movie, by the way. The movie is so funny. Yeah. How white people like mayonnaise and evidently black people don't. I don't fucking know. My whatever. I don't know what. I like mayonnaise. Within reason. I like mayonnaise. I like mayonnaise on fries. I like mayonnaise on

roast beef. I like eating mayonnaise in front of people that don't enjoy mayonnaise. Um, no, I like, uh, but blue cheese is just, oh god, it's like wings or buffalo shrimp and blue cheese. Oh my god. It's just like, it's like a, it's like mucus. It's gross. You know, I think when you eat wings, you just eat the wings. You don't even use any of the sauce. No rant. What about ranch? What are your feelings about ranch? Oh, it's, it's all right. You're not a condiment guy, right? No, I, except for mayonnaise. No, I like ketchup. I like ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard.

I like the classic American. Yeah, I'm a basic white dude. I like pickles. Yep. Uh, I like, I like to say, here's a nice surprise here. You can see that I've traveled. I like a stuffed olive. Does that make me interesting? No. Am I walking it out? Do you, what's that? Some dance. They did an Atlantic. Oh my god, from years ago? Oh god, I'm on Instagram. I know all the latest dances are really neat. Now, why don't you get up and do the mashed potato for me? I got to get you to do a, uh, in my feelings challenge. All right, go ahead, do it. Well, the dance, you got to play the song with it. It's a dance. It's a dance that you do to

a Drake song called in my feelings. I can't stand Drake. Kiki, do you love me? Are you riding? You haven't seen it? I can't stand that guy. Not literally that guy. You used to. You used to. You used to like Drake. He's always whining about somebody. It's just like, he's got this great life. He's banging models and I got to sit there listening to him whining about the model that he used to fuck who doesn't call him back anymore. It's like, Drake, you were just fucking her. She moved on. He's emotional. He isn't. He's selfish. But he loves magic. I've seen like three different videos of him running away after a trick. That's what's really funny about black people is you can, you can see somebody hustling you,

lying to you and all that type of shit. You can smell bullshit from a mile of fucking way, but you get a magician, does a card trick. You guys run away like he's a witch. What the fuck was that? Yeah, because that's that devil shit. It's that. It's sleight of hand. Nia, all that. Oh no, that's the devil. Nia, if that guy could do that shit, if that guy could do that shit, he would just fucking like levitate into a bank vault. You wouldn't be fucking hustling doing magic on a street corner, right? It's still just playing with evil forces with the magic shit. All right. Playing with evil forces with the magic shit. You heard that. That should be on a t-shirt.

Playing with the evil forces with the magic shit. That has to be in a rap song. It has to be in something. I don't like hate Drake. I just like his fucking music. It's just like, you know, these guys that just call up and they just dump your day, the day on you. It's just like, dude, are you ever in a good mood? What happened now, Drake? Drake's got a lot of problems. People are coming for him. They're trying to expose, you know, his family life that he was trying to keep private, you know. Yeah, that's none of my business. I thought that was weak. That was weak doing that shit. Oh, you had a baby with fucking stripper. We didn't start the fire. All right. I got to get,

I got to get off my tape. Oh my God. I hate that. Charlie Chaplin, Teddy Roosevelt, fucking people from the past. Stop fucking avoiding the topic. Saying a generation did a lot of shitty things. Trouble in the sewers. That's the worst line ever. All right. Having said that, I love, I like a lot of his songs. I feel like you don't talk enough about stuff that you enjoy. I feel like you're now going to talk about what you don't like about me in the relationship. Yep. So I feel like you don't talk enough about the things that you like.

You always talk about what you don't like and I just was going on and on how I love soccer and I hated soccer and I love it. But there's been this whole fucking transformation. Yeah. I missed that part because you focus on the negative. No. I think you have a nice eyes. You're such an asshole. We finally became friends again. Yeah. We're buddies again. We are. Because of the work that I put in.

Excuse me? What about me? No, I told you, you were becoming like this goth chick that shops at Hot Topic. That was your vibe. Gloom and doom. I have a lot of really modern references. Do they, do they not exist anymore? I don't know. Do they? I don't know. I haven't been to them all in a while. So fuck you haven't. Last time I talked to you, where are you? I'm at the Grove.

Oh, yeah. But they don't have a Hot Topic. So do they still exist? I don't know. They're high end. All right. Go ahead. Shit on me. What do you got? No, no, you're right. We're friends again after having a little moment there. So no, I'm going to keep it positive. I think you're great. I think that you're... Stick with the devil's shit with the creepy vibes or whatever the fuck you said. Oh God. Anyways, I was trying to end on an upbeat note.

Who wore it better? The Marvin Gaye beard. Drake or Marvin Gaye? Well, Marvin Gaye obviously rocked the Marvin Gaye beard better than Drake would. Who wore that red hat better? Marvin Gaye or Jacques Cousteau? Marvin Gaye. Now my goal is to try to get you not to say Marvin Gaye. Who was more important? No, I can't go that route. You'll get upset with that one. I didn't even have anything there.

Why do you have to keep saying Marvin Gaye? It's an improv thing. You should have gone to Jacques Cousteau. Then I could have gone the French way. I had the ocean outlet. You just painted me into a corner. Oh, so it's my fault that you're not, I don't know, good at improv. Nia, I killed upstairs in the big room. And didn't even bother to get buffalo shrimp. It's like... Nia, I was too busy killing upstairs at a hooter. So when is your next appearance going to be at the Hooters in Hollywood?

In the big room. Well, I guess they're moving their show across the street. To... Looters? I don't fucking know. Whatever's across the street. They're fucking Hollywood Boulevard. We didn't have any fire for the cigars there. So I had to go into tourist play. Have it fire. So we rub some matches fucking together. And went into one of those touristy places and I bought a I Love California lighter for my buddy who hates LA.

Did it work twice and then it broke? Yeah, it was like three bucks and then it ran out of lighter fluid. They're so cheap. All those like... They're always going, hey, man, we got souvenirs for five dollars. It's like, no, you need to be selling these souvenirs for 50 cents, if that. My favorite thing is when you go to New York and they have that foam rubber thing where you wear the crown from the fucking Statue of Liberty. People walk around with that like, I went to New York and I got this.

Can you imagine how many of those are floating around the fucking ocean? Some poor fucking porpoises trying to swallow that thing. All right, I'm out of time because I got shit to do here. I already did 52 minutes. Thank you for coming on here in bringing the positivity. That's right. I'll do better next time. I'll do better next time. No, you did great with double shit with the evil stuff over there. Whatever the fuck you said.

All right, that's the podcast. Thank you everybody for listening. All right, that's something that I'm a mature adult does. Please enjoy the music and it'll half hour of a greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, whatever the fuck I say. And I have a great couple of days. You can't sit on check in on your Thursday. Go fuck yourself.

John, you've been on the go ever since you were born and I imagined a few people in the world today have traveled as much as you have. And why? Well, I don't know. I suppose some of us are cave dwellers. Some of us live in houses. Some of us like to be loose footing. I'm a rambling man. You guys see that I just saw a commercial

for Kentucky fried chicken where the parents are all excited because the two bratty kids won't sit still at the dinner table, but they got them this fucking chicken and they're feeding it to them. They're basically very subtly saying that there's drugs in this chicken that will make your spastic children chill the fuck out and spastic. I mean like, you know, not the way they mean it over there in Great Britain. You can't say that on the comedy or you can say it in a comedy club over in Scotland, but you'll have a rough, you'll have a rough go of it. If you say the kid was spastic over there, that means like severely,

mentally challenged over here. It just means you're not going to get laid to your 26. When you're in grad school looking over a fucking cadaver, right, with some other fucking nerve, nerd, right? You're just sitting there going, you know, the ankle bones connected to the knee bone, right? Has any of this made any sense? Well, it shouldn't. It's fucking Sunday night and I am spent.

I got a whole bunch of shit I have to do tomorrow. So I got to do it tonight. All right, I'm off my game. All right, you cleanse your liver in like 42, 43 days or something like that. Every drunk I know has told me that. Every drunk I know that does not have a medical degree has told me that if you go 42, 43 days, you will cleanse your liver, at least to the booze, you know? Now, if you fucking, you start doing blow or, you know, eating a bunch of trans fat,

fucking food, or feeding your kids Kentucky fried fucking chicken. Jesus Christ. What happened to parents that you got to drug your kids to keep them under control? You know, you know what it is? Kids don't respect their parents. They respect them, but they don't respect like, oh my God, this person could ring my neck, could pick me up by my hair, right? Could grab a paddle and fucking, you know, mostly hit my ass, but also kind of hit my

lower back because I'm squirming, right? That doesn't exist anymore. So now these kids are so fucking out of control. These people have to go down to Kentucky fried chicken. Okay. And I use the term chicken very loosely to go down in whatever that is that's in that bucket. Okay. It doesn't have a beak.

It doesn't have feet. It doesn't have a beak. It doesn't have feet. If it's fucking, you know, chest is breasts are sticking out like the cast on fucking, what was that show with the Italians there on New Jersey Shore? Jersey Shore, right? My world, that's not a fucking chicken. You know, you want the chicken that looked like Mark McGuire in his rookie season.

You don't want to eat the chicken that looks like Mark McGuire when he fucking played for the Cardinals. You know, do you eat a regular fucking chicken? First of all, it's going to look like a pigeon to you because you're so used to seeing those roided up ones that they have murderers row that you got down there at your fucking Shaw's, right? Your Vaughns, your JC pennies, whatever the fuck you buy, your goddamn chicken.

You go down, you go down to any one of the mainstream fucking supermarkets. Okay, and I swear to God, when you get to the chicken section, okay, if you if you slept for the last 30 years, like that Van Gundy guy under the bridge, whatever his fucking name is Van Morrison, the hell's his name, Rip Van Winkle, right? That was one of those people, one of the Vans. If you slept for the last 30 years and you went down, okay, and they showed you what a chicken was, you'd be like, you'd be like, that ain't no chicken. Okay, that's a goddamn turkey. I know a fucking, I know a fucking turkey when I see one, all right?

Ain't no such thing as a nine pound fucking chicken. Can't be done. No, sir. No, sir, get off my property. Okay, I'm done with your witchcraft, okay? Hey, I said get the fuck out of here. To fuck off my property. I'm gonna get the gun. Yeah, you would think it was a fucking turkey.

And the thing is, is now it's a chicken. And I remember I watched one of those food inks, one of those fucking liberal goddamn things, you know, talking about flying carpets and electric roads and all that bullshit. Somewhere in there, they were talking about, you know, the food supply and how poisonous it is. Poisonous. Poisonous is. So I fucking went down to a farmer's fucking market. And I said, I want to, I want to, I want to all, I want to, I want an all natural fucking chicken. I can't even talk, I'm so tired.

Want an all natural chicken. The guy goes, these are all natural. And I said, all natural. And he goes, well, I'm like, come on, where is it? And he had to walk around the corner, sitting over there. Lonely. I swear to God. Looking like a dove.

Looking like somebody killed the fucking dove. He goes right there. That one right there is a hundred percent all natural. Nothing's wrong with it. And I was like, I was like, what, what? That's what a chicken's supposed to look like. And he raised his eyebrows and he kind of put his lips together. So they were straight line.

And then he nodded. You know, I looked at people do like, like, yeah, I'm in the matrix. I realize I'm in the matrix, but, you know, I knocked the bitch up. So I got to be selling these roided up chickens. No. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So basically that's what these people are eating over there. Okay.

They are, they are drugging up their kids, but I can't get mad at them because I actually did that to Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings. I thought, I've told this story before. Hey, I'll tell it against my fucking podcast. I actually drug the exact thing that they're doing in that Kentucky fried chicken commercial where they're trying to get their kids to sit still by just feeding them. So full of these fucking trans fats from these roided up, beakless fucking chickens with their dolly part and breastesses.

Right. I did that to fucking Don L. and Charlie. I was hungover and we were taking a car service from Chicago, Zany's up to one of those, whatever the fuck it was, St. Charles. It was a three city run and one of them was St. Charles. So we're getting in the fucking limo. Don L's in rare form.

Charlie's in rare form. They're fucking gabbing and trashing people and me and everybody. And I just don't want to hear it. I'm like, I don't want to listen to these fucking guys running that goddamn yaps in the back of this car the whole fucking way up. I want a nice quiet ride. This is going to suck. And I walked outside hungover and I walked into the Chicago where,

you know, almost got hit by three fat people. And I looked up the street and I saw it. I saw Popeyes and I was like, oh, thank God. And I fucking walked in there and I got all this fucking Popeyes chicken with biscuits and all of this shit food. And I brought it back to the car. And as the car pulled up, they came out and I said, hey guys, I got yourself some, I got us some food.

And they went, ah, that's fucking great. You know, they were hungry or whatever. And they started chowing that fucking Popeyes food. And I sat back nibbling on a drumstick. And I swear to God, 10 minutes later, they were asleep. I'm not lying to you. They were fucking asleep, snoring the whole way up. And I was just sitting there loving life the whole fucking ride up.

And I, you know what? I admitted to them later. They thought it was funny, but that's basically what it is. They call it the itis. That's what they call it when you eat that shit food and then you have to go to sleep. They call it the itis, I guess. And by day I meet African Americans.

They call it the fucking itis and that's what they got. And I learned that from Donnell because I don't know how that man stayed in shape, but he had the worst diet. He's one of those guys who like, you stop for gas and he comes out of the gas station with like one of those gas station hot dogs. And he would eat it and then he would immediately fall asleep.

And I would say to Charlie, look at this guy, he's sleeping. And Charlie'd be like, yeah, man, he got the itis. And he explained that to me. And with that little bit of information, it went into my evil white brain. And I drug my two African American friends way back in the year 2005. And that's a little chicken story for you.

Watch how you do like that, everybody. So that's what the fuck they're saying right there. That's what Kentucky Fried Chicken is allegedly saying. I guess I have to say alleged. So their lawyers on retainer don't attack my fucking podcast. As far as I can tell, I'm asking you right now, Kentucky Fried Chicken, hiding behind your fucking letters. KFC, is that what the fuck you're doing?

Is that what you're saying? If you've got kids who are not stimulated enough that they can't even sit down, if you haven't already got to run them around, you got to tie your kids out, open the door, you send them out in the fucking yard. Go ahead, go outside, get outside and play. That's what you do, like a goddamn,

one of those fucking Irish dogs that was bred to herd sheep. You got to let that fucking thing run around. Run around in circles. Go ahead, get out there, take a ball, and you just fucking throw it out in traffic. You can let that dog run around dodging cars. It comes in, it's going to lay down, okay? It's not going to jump all over a company,

sticking its cold nose right in their fucking hoo-haas. That's what you've got to do with your kids. You've got to send them outside, right? But to catch a predator and all these other fucking shows, all these shows on TV where people forget their kids are in a car with their windows rolled up, and their kids are too fucking dumb to roll them down, or they're too weak because they haven't gone outside

and climbed a fucking tree, and they stay in there, and their brains get cooked like a boxer. You know, that dog boxers, they don't do well in the wild, you know, that dog boxers, they don't do well in the sun. Well, neither do fat kids. If you leave the windows rolled up,

you know, and they got those weak arms, that all the most tedious things they ever did was take a wrapper off of a fucking ice cream sandwich, right? You can't leave them in the car. My mother left us in the car all the fucking time. She would go to school. She was going to school during the day, trying to further her education,

and she left five fucking kids in the car with the windows rolled up and money for Burger King, and she would say to us, just go into the Burger King. That's the only time you were to leave this car over the next three fucking hours when I'm in class, and she would disappear around the corner after we said, absolutely mom,

and she walked away, and we immediately would get out of the car, start walking up and down the streets in Boston. We'd go into fucking Burger King, and we'd have some to eat. Do you know what would happen nowadays if they just saw five fucking dirty-faced kids walking up and down ComF,

Boylston Street, going into a Burger King, looking like the cast of fucking Annie? Someone would have filmed it, and my mother would have been, and they would have taken us away. You know, but they didn't, because there was no cameras back then, or videotape ones.

I mean, there was, but only people at them were like the news and a young Steven Spielberg. So we went in there, and we fucking got some food, climbed on cars, and fucking yelled at people and shit, you know, hanging on parking meters and all that.

Hence, we had the fucking forearm strength to roll down the windows, and none of us ever had an issue in the car. And you know what, I think that's one to grow on. So there you go, people. I'm not saying KFC is food. I'm not saying it's bad food, I'm not saying it's bad food.

Every once in a while, who's kidding, who? Every once in a while. Wouldn't it be great if you could just fucking do heroin the way you can eat McDonald's? Just like every once in a while, you'd just be like,

you know what, yeah, let's just fucking tie off, knot off for the rest of the fucking day, and like the people at work understood it. You know, hey, where were you yesterday? Ah, yeah, I got this Black Tower heroin came in, you know, hadn't done it like three months away. Figured fucking.

Oh, is that what you did? How was it? How was it? You know, like you went to Aruba? You said, ah, dude, it was awesome, fun. I don't remember shit. But you can, you know, you get addicted to it. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 12th, 2010. I'm sorry. I was really going to act like I could speak Spanish there. I actually, if you can't tell, I've actually finally broken open my Rosetta Stone that I got for Christmas two and a half fucking years ago. Whatever it is.

Yeah, I got it for a year and a half ago, December of 2008. I got the Rosetta Stone, I got it, dude. It's the shit. It's the shit. I'm going to be fluent in Spanish. I've always wanted to learn another language and I am trying to immerse myself.

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to immerse myself in the language. I'm listening to it on the radio. I'm also listening to it. I'm listening to shit like this on my iTunes, hoping I can pick up some shit. You got to immerse yourself in this shit. You got to listen to stuff like this.

How fucking great is that? God, to have a fucking, be able to fucking know what that means, sing that, have pigment in my chest so I can actually wear that open, I'm going to go stab a bull, Latino shirt. How much pussy would you get if you could fucking, it's just unbelievable. It's half the shit that they say.

It sounds like fucking dirty talk when you're banging a girl. That means the girl is drinking milk. There's no way to say that without just sounding like your fucking El Nino Bibileche. Hey, next time you guys are banging your girl, okay, you got a doggy style, just lean down in her ear and just be like, Oh, Bibileche, El Nino Bibileche.

Shall we have an orgasm or a fucking whirl around an elbow when you're in the face? Either way, either way, it's going to be funny, but I'm going to be fluent in that shit. And I'm liking Rosetta Stone. I really like it. You sit there and you put on like a Bill Bellamy, Janet Jackson sort of headset, you know,

and you put on some stretchy pants and then you put in the fucking CD-ROM or whatever the hell it is, and then they just start speaking to you. Like you're a baby sitting in the crib. It's exactly what it is. Two very stereotypical Mexican-looking faces just sort of peer into the screen

like you're laying in the crib. And then they just start speaking to you and they tickle your tummy. It's tremendous. It's a tremendous, it's a tremendous way to... No, I'm just fucking around. Dude, it's awesome. It's, uh, if you're ever thinking about doing it,

like, you know, I always wanted to learn to speak a different language. Whenever I wrote the subway, I was nervous that Puerto Ricans were actually calling me bad words. What does puta mean? Um, is that even Puerto Rican? This is what's killing me.

This is how fucking what I am. I actually believe that I'm gonna learn this shit. El Nínia Bibileje. I'm gonna learn this shit and, uh, therefore I will be able to go to Mexico, Cuba, Puerto Rico, Brazil or whatever, and be able to understand every motherfucker out there. Even though people, I know this dude who's Cuban

and he tells me it's really different. Not totally different, but I mean, I don't know. He seemed a little peeved. When I was like, yeah, and I can go to fucking Cuba, I can go to Dominican Republic, it's not the fucking same thing. All right, sorry, you know, well, that's one of those things

I'm not even trying to be offensive and I offended you, but it's like, you know, do you think when I go to Ireland or I went to Scotland, I could understand those fuckers? Everything that they said, but I knew what they were saying. Am I being ignorant right here? Do you guys, is it a completely,

it's not a completely different language? Huh? El Niño Bibileje? You can't say that in fucking Cuba and they won't know what you're talking about? Is that because of communism? You know, I already stopped this podcast and started it again because I'm doing this Sunday morning,

my fucking brain isn't awake yet. Stuttering like a goddamn jackass. Oh, pete lunes. Zapatos, una camisa. I can't fucking wait. I can't wait the first time somebody from, I was gonna say somebody from another language, that's how dumb I am.

Somebody speak in Spanish, talk shit about me, because I'll tell you right now, I would fucking do it all the time. I would do it all the goddamn time. If English was the second language, it was not the main language of this country. And I had another English speaking friend, and I was walking around people

who did not understand English. And it would be our own little private language. I would be shitting on people, right and left, perverted stuff. Can you imagine that? If nobody understood English, everybody just spoke Spanish, right? Your boss is some cunt, but she's got a nice rack and you're sitting there and she can literally walk by

and like, dude, I would tit fuck this bitch, right on a goddamn desk. And then turn around and be, Hola, mi bossa, you know? No wonder they're so fucking laid back, they can get it out. I gotta sit, I gotta sit on all this goddamn rage, because I don't have some secret fucking language.

All right, all right Mexicans, I'm in your fucking hideout, and I'm breaking down your code. So I'm telling you, this time next year, you better watch your tongue, okay? Good. Only I could turn learning another language. See, see, hear me stuttering, it's in the morning.

Only I could turn speaking another language. Am I, only I could turn another language. Relax, Mexico, just relax. Just really listen to a couple of my podcasts and realize how fucking stupid I am. And also how I get totally psycho into something for about 10 days, and then I just walk away from it. And then it just sits there, gathering dust on my desk.

Anyways, so it was a big week this week in sports. It's actually, what time is it right now? It's 10.43, and this is the funny thing. In 17 minutes, the World Cup final is starting, which is basically the championship, one of the true championships of the world. It's the entire world competes for it. And as big a fucking sports fan as I am, I could give a shit.

The only thing that I would find less interesting than the World Cup final was the LeBron James hour long press conference to announce what team he's gonna fucking go to. You know, that's actually bullshit. I totally respect the game of soccer. It just, it fucking bores the shit out of me. And we have a number of soccer fans on here, and they send me emails, and they get mad at me.

They say, it says, dear Bill, dude, until you have a better understanding of the game, you gotta stop ragging on soccer. Find someone that knows a little bit about the game, and take some fucking time, and watch a couple of games, dude. Watch the World Cup finals. Exclamation point. What, cause you fucking say so?

Do you realize that if you added up everyone that watched the NFL, the NBA, the NHL, and MLB, you would only have about half as many people that watch soccer? Dude, do you realize that I'm not so fucking stupid that I don't realize that you just pulled that stat out of your ass? Give me some numbers. You didn't. You said you would have about half as many,

about really, yeah, you're gonna guesstimate there? Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bill. Thanks, dude. All right, this is the deal. All right, I'm so sick of these fucking soccer cunts. Trying to convince me that it's an exciting sport. Do you think that I haven't sat down and watched it? Earlier this year, when I watched the Olympics,

I got into curling. I was watching the cross-country skiing. Will you shoot the gun? I'm very open-minded when it comes to sports, okay? But to sit there and kill two, three fucking hours of my day to watch a zero-to-zero fucking game, and watching these guys flop around like a bunch of goddamn Pau Gasol's every 10 fucking minutes,

I tried, dude. I tried. And just because the whole fucking world is watching this sport, doesn't mean that I should, all right? The whole world was wearing acid-washed jeans in the late fucking 80s. I followed that trend, and I got the embarrassing goddamn pictures to prove it. What the fuck did that get me? You know what I like about soccer?

I like the highlights. The highlights, you know, and they show it in slow motion. Absolutely gorgeous sport to watch. But to sit there for fucking two hours, listening to those goddamn mosquito horns, you're really asking too much. All right, everybody flopping around like a bunch of goddamn fucking girls. Get off the goddamn ground, fucking pussies.

The guy doesn't even touch you, and you flop around on the ground. It's so effeminate. That's what I can't stand about, that sport. You know? This guy did bring up a good point. He goes, you're telling me the basketball players? Yes, basketball players do. Basketball is a very fucking effeminate sport when it comes to that shit.

That fake fucking flopping around. You know? No other, you know, that's the closest thing. I'm trying to think. There's a couple guys in the NHL. Look, there's always going to be a couple of broads in every sport. You know? But at least in the NHL, soccer fan, you know what they have?

They have a penalty for pretending that somebody hit you. Two minutes, you get, it's called diving. Two minutes for diving. Get up, you fag, and get in the goddamn penalty box. I always, I don't know. I, dude, I tried. I fucking tried. I tried to watch the shit.

I don't give a fuck. I find the Premier League way more enjoyable to watch. I can watch that game, but I got to tell you, like, I don't know what it is. I start to get a headache and I get a little bit of a stomach ache when I'm watching it, because the amount of effort that I have to put in to, you know, dude, to sit there in two hours of your fucking life to watch a one-to-nothing game. That's why, you know, so I think I finally figured out why they fight in NHL hockey. Because you can actually have a one-to-nothing fucking game.

So, you know, then you basically have guys going, it's legal to smash somebody, you know, against the boards. You can drop the gloves. You can fight. There's a lot of other exciting things that do happen. All right, but to sit there for two fucking hours. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oh! Oh! It's the sports equivalent to fucking blue balls. I don't fucking like it. I really don't, I just don't, I don't like it. I don't fucking like it, okay? And you can't make me fucking like it because the whole world likes it. All right, there's a major part of the fucking world that, you know,

they take out a high-grade piece of sandpaper and then they rub the girl's fucking clits off. That doesn't mean that I think it's right. Wow, that was really disgusting. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, 12 minutes into the podcast, getting that fucking growth. I should have saved that towards the end for the die-hard fans. So anyways, that LeBron James announcement, speaking of mind-numbingly boring. Oh, this is nothing about fucking soccer.

Like, I'm invited to this, this, this party where they're going to watch the finals. And whenever you find a person who's really into soccer, you know, they always got like their little soccer shirt on, they always have like these little fucking wimpy torsos. If you notice that, when was the last time you saw somebody jacked that was into fucking soccer? You don't. They always have like those little fucking, those little European torsos. You know, your little seventh-grade bodies.

Does anybody lift weights or do push-ups or anything in fucking Europe? Do you just, you just take the torso God gave you and then you just start stuffing fish and chips down your fucking throat and you just let it all sort of slide down until you look like Jethro Tull. All right, I think I've trashed that shit enough. Let's trash in American sports. Let's talk about fucking LeBron James and his fucking, first of all, his howdy-duty puppet shirt that he wore, you know, there really is this theory out there that black guys are so cool that they really can wear any type of clothing and make it look good.

Well, that was an example when it doesn't quite always work. I mean, that was, I don't know what that was. That looked like he was going to go sing on the Grand Ole Opry in like 1948. Um, all right, what the fuck am I talking about? Let's get into this whole podcast thing. All right, the LeBron James one-hour announcement. For everybody out there who's saying how fucking lame it was, you know whose fault that is?

It's your own goddamn fault. It's your own fucking fault for sitting there and watching it. Okay, it's not like ESPN lied. They told you what it was going to be. This is going to be a one-hour special of an athlete announcing which team he's going to go fucking play for. I mean, how long should that realistically take? It's like the fucking Oscars.

How long should it take to be and to take, to just fucking be like Andy Oscar goes to Sean Connery. And the Oscar for the best fucking dress in a period piece goes to Claire Billingsley. Bill Billingsley. Claire Bill Billingsley. Fucking douchebag Bill Burr. Not even fucking awake. Trying to do a podcast to get it out of the goddamn way to go to some stupid ass fucking

party that's showing the finals of a sport that he doesn't give a fuck about. That starts in nine minutes. Oh my god, somebody hit fucking record. Yeah, I mean, you knew what the fuck it was going to be. Why did you even watch it? I mean, can't you tell that guy just got some fucking horrific advice from his people around them who they were just like, we're going to create the biggest media stir ever. All right, we'll go to Chicago first.

We'll gain some interest. We'll go to the Knicks. We'll get some interest there. We'll go down to fuck them. Oh, where the fuck is he going to? Who gives a shit? Nobody cares except the people in those fucking towns. I got to tell you, I really did enjoy him fucking, you know, tearing the hearts out of

Knicks fans because as always, New York fans are the most fucking just like that's the sense of entitlement that fans of New York sports have just because they live in New York City. If I have to watch one more fucking asshole on TV, talk about the big stage in New York. Okay, overrated, underrated for this week, overrated, the big stage in New York. There's only one big stage in New York. It's in fucking Yankee Stadium. That's the only big stage that is in New York, 27 championships.

You go there, there is pressure to win. What is this big, like when LeBron didn't pick fucking New York, I'm on, you know, I'm online and I read three comments and I'm like, there you go. That's enough evidence for me. I'm going to judge every new fan in New York right now. They were all sitting there going like, oh, he was afraid of the bright lights. He couldn't handle the big stage of New York. Let me ask you this, Nick fans, where is the big fucking stage for professional

basketball in New York City? Huh? Madison Square Garden, that place? The biggest thing that happens in Madison Square Garden every year is Elton John comes there and fucking sells out 20 shows. You know, Bruce Springsteen comes there and sings his songs about New Jersey. The circus comes once a fucking year. Those are the biggest days every year in Madison Square Garden. All right.

And in case you don't know what I'm talking about, next time you go there and there's yet another horrific play made by either the fucking Rangers or the Knicks, and you look up and discussed to the sports gods, like what the fuck? When you're done praying for some messiah to come in there and save those two pathetic fucking franchises, look up at the ceiling. And tell me what you see, a striking lack of championship fucking banners. I'll even give you the goddamn answers, you dumb fucks. There is no big stage and it's so fucking disrespectful of everybody to say that.

All the fucking time talking about, I mean, you know, when they talk about the biggest stage in Major League Baseball, what do they say? Fenway Park? How about St. Louis? Say, they got, they got 10 fucking World Series titles. That's not even a good example. It's not like the Knicks are in second place with titles. Dude, Yankee Stadium is the big stage in Major League Baseball.

Okay. The fucking Celtics have 17 NBA championships that were all won in Boston. All right. The Los Angeles Lakers, 11 titles have been won there. They once a year, they hold hands with somebody from Minnesota and they add the five that were, and that's, that's the thing right there. The Minneapolis Lakers have more titles than the fucking New York Knicks. Do you guys understand that, that a team that's, that, that fucking moved west?

All right. That moved fucking west around the same time the Brooklyn Dodgers went out to LA, still has three more fucking titles than you do. You don't have a big stage there, and nobody is afraid to play in New York City, and they're certainly not afraid to play the fucking Knicks. So get off your own dicks. I'm sick of it. All right.

The Jets haven't won it since 69. The Knicks haven't won it since 73. The Mets haven't won it since fucking 86. Who else has left? The Giants are, are able to get the Knicks. Who else has left? The Giants are, are a respectable franchise. That's the best you have.

You have a respectable franchise that has won the same amount of Super Bowls as the Patriots, the Packers, the Redskins, and the Raiders. The Giants are in the middle of the pack. All right. There's no big fucking stage. And they sit there and they act like these sports writers in New York. These fat, man-titted jackasses. These Phil Mushnicks are going to intimidate a guy at the level of fucking LeBron James.

They're not. I hate to tell it to you, New York. The reason why he didn't go to Madison Square Garden is because you suck. That's why. I mean, think about that. Who the fuck wouldn't want to go play in New York? You know, New York is the city, is the Paris of fucking, of America. It's the best fucking city we have.

All right. But just because there's a bunch of people outside of Madison Square Garden succeeding and doing some shit, most of whom aren't even from New York, by the way. That's another thing. New Yorkers think they're the shit just because they live there. Just because they're standing on the corner of fucking 52nd and 3rd, eating a slice. You know, if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere. Are you really making it with your dirty fucking sneakers?

Standing there outside of tad steaks? You're not doing shit. None of you are. All you fucking pieces of shit. Fucking gathering outside of fucking Port Authority. That's another thing. Oh man, I'm trashing New York this week. I don't give a fuck.

Listen to me. I don't give a fuck. Oh, Bill, really? Are you being dangerous? It's dangerous to me. El hombre en el dangerizo. Um, dude, Frank Sinatra's from New Jersey, okay? He was bridge and tunnel.

The kind of guy that Paris Hilton wouldn't have fucked in one of her horror nightclubs down there in the meatpacking district if he came in and said, oh, I live in Hoboken. She would have turned a little pointy nose up to the ceiling and walked away in a big fucking Sasquatch feet that she tries to hide by jacking her goddamn fucking ass in the air to eye level. No girls would have banged that guy.

But what did he do? He came in there. He came in there and he fucking sang a song and he took over your fucking city. The way a bunch of people from other states that you fucking New Yorkers look down on. We come in there all the time. We come in there and we blow away half the fucking talent

into York because you guys are standing there eating a slice of pizza looking at the fucking Empire State building going, oh, it's open all night. You're not doing shit. You don't have a big stage. You have a sorry ass fucking NBA team. You know, this is how dumb the fucking nicks are. Isaiah Thomas, there was a league called the CBA

that did fine for like 30 fucking years. And then what's his face? Isaiah Thomas became president of the league. And in like three, four years, I don't have the fucking stats. I don't know. Five years, it went out of business. Okay, I'm not talking about, you know, a winning franchise went to a losing franchise.

I'm not talking about a franchise that existed in a city had to move. I'm not even saying the franchise fold it. I'm talking about an entire fucking league. He got it to controls. He pushed the yoke forward and just flew the shit right into the goddamn ground. All right, and like Bugs Bunny,

he stepped out right before it hit the ground before any of it got on him. And then the nicks go, yeah, that's our guy. That's the guy we're going to get to run the fucking NBA franchise. The guy who fucking flew bootleg NBA into the goddamn ground. That's the fucking dude. See, that's why LeBron didn't come.

Not because he's afraid of the big stage. You want to know who was afraid of the big stage? Jeff Weaver. Jeff Weaver was afraid of the big stage. Okay, but LeBron James is not afraid of the big stage. Okay. He could fucking put his nuts on Jeff Weaver's chest and hold him down in the deep end of a fucking pool.

All right, he's not afraid of fucking Madison Square Garden. And I also thought it was really fucking ironic that of the three emails that I read by New Yorkers, which I'm now judging all of them, they were going like, you know, Miami, that's Dwayne Wade's town. If he goes down there and wins a championship there, nobody's going to respect him.

Can you fucking believe a New Yorker had the balls to say that? With the fucking pile on team that the Yankees have been for the last 12 fucking years, every goddamn free agent on the fucking planet just clinging to Derek Jeter's leg. Show me how to do it. I want to win one too. Huh?

Roger Clemens. That fat buffalo wing eating jackass. Was it hard up in Toronto, Roger? Then he fucking comes down there and jumps in the fucking limo. The fucking balls of these New York fans to sit there and question somebody piling on another team. To go win a fucking championship. I can't even take it.

I think I got to drink some throat coat tea. Did I mention that on this podcast? Because I already deleted the other one when I was annoyed with how fucking unfunny I was. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the ratings for this in New York City are going to be kind of low this week. I got this throat coat tea, which is great if you stand on stage

and you don't know how to write a joke, you have to scream your jokes, or even if you like to call your girlfriend a cunt at the top of your lungs. You know, you ever do that, and then the next day you want to do it again, but your throat is too tore up, you can't do it. Well, get organic throat coat tea, everybody.

You could call your girl a cunt seven days a week, 365 days a year. That'd be a great commercial, right? Just have the girl crying in the background, sitting down in the fetal position, as you're fucking sitting in the fetal position, Bill. Curled up in the fetal position, Bill, you dumb fuck. All right, let's see. What did I do so far in this podcast?

I pissed off anyone who isn't from America, or I guess Americans who are also into soccer, and then I trashed a giant media market. See, right there, Bill, that's why New York is such the big stage, because it's one of the biggest media markets in all of the fucking country. How pathetic are your fucking teams that you gotta bring up the level of media in your city?

The level of media. Give me a fucking break. Two championship banners, 1970 fucking three. Do you know in 1973, the Chevy Vega was considered a sports car? And if you go on the game show network, people lose their fucking minds about that car. You know, and you can win, and then they open the curtain, a brand new Chevy Vega, and these people

with their fucking big Greg Brady fucking belt buckles, and their fucking, who's that dude from Knocked Up? Observe and report that their Seth Rogen fucking Afros go absolutely fucking apeshit over a Chevy Vega. That's when you guys won it last. People from, are dying of old fucking age on that team. Who'd you have on that team? Who are the fucking, the nix the greats?

Who do you got, Bill Bradley? Dude, he became a senator, and then he fucking died. This is what it is. This is what it is. You want to get down to brass tacks here, what's really bugging me is in Boston, we only have four sports teams, okay? We're playing a fucking, you know,

we got one bullet in the chamber, and those cunts down there in New York, they're doubled down in two out of the four fucking sports. Every year they're splitting fucking aces in two different sports. So they pad their stats with championships, but I respect the Yankees. The Yankees are the greatest franchise in all four sports. They got the fucking championships,

you have to respect it, they got them. And I would never, ever try to act like somebody was afraid to play in Boston. Because of the media or whatever the fuck that, you know, or call it the big stage in Boston. All right, I would never do that. Out of respect for the fucking Yankees, the fact that they have 20 more fucking championships than we do.

Okay, so give me the fucking respect that I deserve as a Boston Celtic fan, that we have 15 more fucking NBA championships than you do. Fucking idiots, the big stage. I'm so sick of these fat, man-titted shitheads with their fucking game-worn jerseys, and they yell shit at players on the field, and they think that they're intimidating them.

You know, like the fact that you got to de-up Kobe Bryant that, you know, that night isn't enough to make you nervous. No, it's the fat fuck with the shaved head in fucking row 58G. Who's still chanting, air ball, they don't care, they don't even fucking hear it. They don't even hear it. LeBron James is not afraid to go to New York.

He wanted to win. All right, that's why the fuck he went to Miami. But, you know, and I would really love, and this is the deal, if the fucking Lakers didn't exist with their stupid t-shirts claiming that the Los Angeles Lakers have fucking 16, because that's what the t-shirt says. It says Los Angeles Lakers, 16 championships, not Los Angeles slash Minneapolis Lakers.

So now I have to become a Miami Heat fan. I really do. But just for the record, dude, I don't like any of this shit. I didn't like the 2008 Boston Celtics. I didn't like that either. Where you just go out and just everybody piles on one team. I don't fucking like it. I don't like this age of the super teams.

It's, you know, I don't even, I don't know what it is anymore. It's like, it's like, it's sports are becoming like what retail stores have become. They're all like these super stores now. There's not like just the regular hardware store. That example I use every podcast. It's always a hardware store with me. A fucking one trick pony.

It's all fucking, it's all Walmart's now, Home Depot's, Best Buy's, all of that type of shit. And I don't know, it's not the same kind of pride like that you had back in the day when you watched Red Arrabac get some unknown center from Golden State. You know, Robert Parish, who the fuck knew who he was before he came to the Celtics? And he goes after Kevin McHale.

Wasn't a highly touted draft pick. And then Larry Bird, he works on for like three fucking years and gets him to come to the Celtics. Like that was some interesting shit. But nowadays, when you got shit like Kevin McHale, a former Celtic, is working for the Grizzlies and he gives the fucking Celtics Kevin Garnett for nothing. For nothing.

Decimates an entire fucking franchise. The same way Jerry West is fucking working for Memphis and gives the fucking Lakers pow-gasol for nothing. I mean, it's, I don't know. I don't fucking know. And the fact that these fucking Nick fans are sitting there talking about that guy piling on as the goddamn Yankees are in negotiations

to try to get Cliff Lee, like they don't have enough with fucking Sabathia, AJ Burnett, Mariana Rivera, fucking Alex Rodriguez, fucking Tashara, all those guys. I love how the names are fading away because I don't even watch baseball anymore. It's such a fucking stupid goddamn sport. Dude, if the Yankees got Cliff Lee, you might as well just mail them the trophy.

You know, and this is what it is. I don't know if I'm just this crabby old man. I'm really trying to find the art in signing all these free agents because it just seems to me like whoever has the most fucking money will eventually get most of the best guys. You know, occasionally you'll lose out on a guy. Occasionally a Cliff Lee will go to the Rangers. You know?

Or somebody will pick the fucking angels or maybe they'll go to the fucking Red Sox or something like that. But generally speaking, you start with the fucking Yankees and then it just goes down. I don't know. It just doesn't seem like there's any fucking skill. I just been of a, you know what it is?

I'm on my fucking period this week. Half hour of ragging about that shit. Let's get to, let's just totally fucking make a left turn here. And somebody asked me for some advice this week. All right. Here we go. This is, now this is a situation that I think a lot of people, a lot of hombres can deal with.

Let's see here. Hey Bill, huge fan. Love your comedy. Hope this won't get too long. It starts with one of my good friends going out with this girl. They went out for about a, right off the bat, you know, can't you tell where this is going? This story starts with one of my good friends

going out with this girl. They went out for about a year or two on or on and off. Come on Bill, focus here. Just try to read this smoothly. All right. Start over. It starts with one of my good friends going out with this girl. They went out for about a year or two on and off.

Still though, even when they were together, they were never really good in quotes. Here we go. They fought basically all the time and just didn't seem right for each other. Oh Jesus. You know where this is going. During the early stages of their relationship,

my friend thought I had a thing for her. Oh Jesus. She is a good looking girl. She is a good looking girl. And I was friends with her before they even got together. Dude, you are so justifying what the fuck you either did or are about ready to do. I love it.

They weren't really good for each other. Even when they were together, there was something missing. I actually knew her before he did. Here we go. She is a good looking girl. And I was friends with her before they were even together. I admit, I might have inadvertently been a little flirty with her sometimes.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was I just flirting there? Dude, you have a future at BP. The next time they pollute an entire gulf of a nation that they're not even citizens of and they need to bring somebody out to stand behind the podium. Dude, this is fucking great. I might have inadvertently been a little flirty with her.

How the fuck do you even do that? How do you inadvertently flirt with somebody? Wow, you really look beautiful in that dress. I'll tell you if you were my girlfriend. I mean, where the fuck do you go with? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's right.

You're not my girlfriend. I'm sorry. I thought you were my girlfriend for a second. What was I thinking? Jesus Christ. I'm so embarrassed. My face turned red. Oh my God.

I was just inadvertently flirting with you right then. Oh, Jesus. Oh, here we go. But in he goes, this is what he says. I might have inadvertently been a little flirty with her sometimes. But that shit always happens with a guy and a girl. I think, dude, the level of guilt just weighing you down as you're trying to justify all of this.

Either way, I told him I didn't like her, which was true. Dude, stop lying to yourself. Anyways, it passed. However, I always got this feeling that there was still an undertone that he resented me since then. Yeah, probably because of all the inadvertent flirting and the fact that you were emoting that they weren't right for each other. But anyways, let's fast forward, as he says.

Fast forward now. They've been broken up for at least a year and don't talk. She says he randomly texts her. Texts her. Texts her. Jesus Christ. I can't even fucking read. She says he randomly texts her,

but that she doesn't ever answer him. But regardless of that, now this girl likes me. What? Oh my god, I didn't see that coming. Wait a minute. Anyways, but she actually likes me and basically says she wants to fuck. My voice just cracked in the perfect. Says she wants to fuck.

Am I getting excited? I need some more throat code here. And basically says she wants to fuck. She tells me stuff like she wishes she went out with me instead of him to begin with. Now, I do all right with girls, but I don't have them lining up or anything. So I'm not trying to let a virtual sure thing pass me by. Oh my god. And this is when it's getting Jerry Springer here.

With most guys, I don't, I feel like they'd not care if I went for it. Or at least understand why I did. Do you realize what you're saying? I think most guys wouldn't care if their best friend went out and bang their fucking ex-girlfriend within a year of them going out. I think that they'd understand. So anyways, he goes, I think most guys wouldn't understand, but this buddy of mine is a little nuts.

And it's also a situation where he's the type of guy that if he were in my position, he'd do the same thing. Oh dude, you're just justifying. You don't even need my advice, you're gonna do it. My other friend who knows the whole situation says I should, but others I've talked to about it say I shouldn't. The last I talked to her, she said she wanted to hang out. Just me and her, and then I should let her know when I want to.

All right, I guess this thing's getting kind of long. One question, do I have any justification in fucking this girl? And two, if I do, would you say I should go through with it? Okay. All right, sir. There's just a ton of shit going on here. Okay, right off the bat, you have to be honest with yourself, all right? You weren't inadvertently flirting with this girl.

You actually probably liked this girl before this guy even got with her, or maybe the fact that the guy your friend got with her and he was banging her, made you all of a sudden interested in her. See, I don't know you as a person. You could be a very sadistic human being. Actually, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're not, because the fact that you actually give a fuck enough to write me and ask whether you should do this, that means you actually have some sort of guilt about it.

So you won't get off on banging your fucking best friend's ex-girlfriend. Dude, there's a lot of shit here that could blow up in your face. Okay, in a perfect world, all right, you're a man and you say, you know what, that's not gonna be worth the blowback. It's not gonna be worth the fucking damage that I'm gonna do. This guy's my best friend. Even though he would do it to me, I'm not gonna do it to him. And then I also need to stop being friends with this guy,

because anybody who would go out and fuck my ex-girlfriend within a year is not truly a friend. I need to get better friends. But despite all that, I'm still not gonna do what the fuck he would have done, just because he would have done it to me. And you just walk away from the situation, and you go out and you chat up some other fucking brats. That is like, if you wanna be knighted someday by one of those fucking brats over there in the castle in England, you know?

If you wanna go over there with Sir Phil Collins looking on and get knighted, that's what the fuck you do. But if you're gonna bang this broad, you've already fucked up. Fucking your best friend's ex-girlfriend, it's like committing a murder. You want as few people involved as humanly possible. I learned that on an episode of Uninformed, when we had a cop come in. And me and my co-host, Joe DeRosa, were saying that we were trying to come up with how to commit the perfect murder.

And I remember he said, okay, get me and a buddy mine. He goes, right there, you fucked up. Right there, you fucked up. He goes, the more people you bring in, the bigger chance you have of getting caught, you know? Because you're not gonna rat yourself out. But the other guy, if he gets scared, might go down to the police station and try to cop a plea. All right?

That's the same shit with this. If you're gonna fuck your best friend's ex-girlfriend, you don't go around and ask other friends, going, dude, should I do it? You don't. And you already did. All right? And then the other side of it is, I don't know how the two of these people broke up.

But, you know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And for all you know, this chick might be a fucking psycho. All right? I mean, I think it's a good thing that he's texting her and not the other way around. And that she is not texting him back. Granted, you're taking her word for it, that that's what the situation is. Now, for all you know, it's the reverse. And if it is the reverse, she wants some sort of vengeance,

which means she goes out and bangs his best friend. And then, lo and behold, feels guilty the next day and then has to tell him. All right? Just to let you know, that is on the fucking table. If you really want to know whether or not you want to jerk, if you want to jerk, if you want to fucking, I get ahead of myself here. If you want to fuck this girl or not, just go jerk off to her. And after you're done, if you still want to banger, you want to banger.

And then just fucking man up and deal with the fucking consequences of it. And go out and banger, because who gives a fuck? Because someday you're going to be 80 and who gives a shit, you know? Or on the other side, if you actually have feelings for this girl, that's a whole, then you should definitely do it. If you actually feel like this girl could be the girl that you're going to spend your life with, then I would definitely say, go for it. Knowing full well that your friendship with this other guy is going to end.

I don't know. So dude, you know what? It's fucking on you. You know, if you asked me, would I do it? Yeah, I would have. Back in the day, I would have. But now that I'm an older, wiser man, I wouldn't. I would just fucking rub one out to her and then be afterwards going,

oh, thank God I didn't fucking do that. Thank God I didn't do that. And I would also fucking not hang out with the other guy. Because any guy friend of mine that would fucking ex-girlfriend of mine within a fucking year, I wouldn't want to be friends with. Even though I just described all of my friends. Dude, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you.

You probably shouldn't do it. You should probably, you shouldn't. Dude, you shouldn't. You should go out and go fucking bang somebody else. You shouldn't. All right. But I feel like a hypocrite because I would. I would.

But then again, I'm also a fucking 42 year old guy who never got married. So you're listening to a complete fucking scumbag here. So Jesus Christ. This is why I don't have a fucking advice show. You know? Because in my attempt to be honest, I tell you both things. Do it. Don't do it.

I would, but you shouldn't have a nice day. You know what? Let's go to the listeners. I would love to hear from the women because they're going to have on both sides. They're going to have like, you shouldn't do that. It's your friend. And then they're also going to be mad on some level. Like, why do guys feel like they own somebody?

Just because they used to go out with them because we're territorial. We're territorial that way. And you have to understand that whoever you've banged in your life is a female. For the rest of your life, that pussy is not yours anymore. It belongs to him. And you can say it's yours. It isn't because he fucked it. All right.

You know what? I feel like there wasn't enough ignorance on this podcast. So I feel like I had to just say something stupid like that. But that's how guys work. And I'd even ask you this. Is your best friend, is he bigger than you are physically? Can he beat you down? Does he take jujitsu classes?

Has he ever had any murderous thoughts that he sort of divulged to you at a night of drinking too many tequila shots? And you see an A and E darker side of him. There's a whole bunch of shit. Oh, this is what you got to do. This is what you got to do. Go out and get yourself a fucking pimp hat. And this is what you have to do. You got to go to this girl.

And you just got to lay it on the fucking table. That's what you got to do. You just got to be honest with her and just say, look, sweetheart, I have wanted to fuck you since 2006. You don't say that. But basically you finesse your way into that. You got to tell her that you've wanted to hook up with her. And the only reason why you didn't. This is the deal.

This is the deal. All right. Well, we had a little technical difficulty there. I left you hanging. Sorry about that. The batteries just died. I was right in the middle of trying to tell this dude how we could go out and bang this girl. Now I got to fucking stick this into the goddamn garage band and splice it together, which I already did at this point.

So why even bitch about it when you're listening to this fucking thing? All right, let me wrap this goddamn podcast up by telling this kid how to go out and fuck his best friend's ex-girlfriend. All right, this is what you do. You got to have a talk with this girl before you do it. Don't just go over there and just fucking sneak over there, you know, with this nervous excitement. Fucking rail this girl, bust you nut, and then realize, oh my god, I have no fucking feelings for this girl. And then, you know, risking that she'll then, you know, be resentful. All the bullshit I said on the first fucking installment of this goddamn podcast.

This is what you got to do. You got to fucking get everything out in the open. All right, and fucking let her convince you that it's the right fucking thing to do and get her to say that she ain't gonna say shit. All right, get her to say that and when she says she's not gonna say shit, you have to read her. All right, like a fucking seasoned goddamn pro. You know, the 27 fucking pantomimes, a line, whatever that fucking goddamn movie was. True romance.

You got to look at her and you have to make a fucking assessment if this girl can keep her fucking mouth shut. By presenting these scenarios, you got, look, I'm gonna get worried that tomorrow, what if you're gonna wake up feeling guilty and then you have to confess to him? You know, I'm not gonna feel, I'm not gonna feel guilty. Yeah, you are. You're just fucking, I don't know. I'm really giving you shit advice, dude. I'm trying to give you a fucking scumbag way to go out and go do this shit.

Just like, I don't know. I'm fucking bad at this, man. I have to be in the moment. What the fuck dirtbag goddamn thing would I be saying? All right, this is what you do. You don't go over a fucking, this is what you do. Don't go over a goddamn place. See, this is the hard thing.

Now you got to go out, you got to meet her in public. Okay, so there's no sexual fucking tension that you can act on. All right, so your dick won't be like, dude, she's fine. She's not lying. She's not lying. She's gonna be cool. What you have to do is, you got to meet in a public place, but then people can see you. See, dude, this is just, it's just a fuck, it's a tough one.

Tell you what, dude, if you can actually fucking pull this off, why don't you write me back and tell me how the fuck you did it? I remember a long time ago, I was in the beginning of a relationship and I was banging this, still banging this other psycho on the side, and like a dirtbag, you know? And I remember there was gonna be a point where the two of them were gonna be at the same fucking place. So I just dealt with it. Was it before we hooked up?

I just said, look, you got me honest with you. This girl I'm coming down with, we're new, I'm starting to have feelings for her. All right? I told her that I cleaned up everything on the side, which I haven't with you, so I need you to not act weird when I fucking come down there if I don't, you know, if I'm not saying hello to you. Okay? That was before I hooked up with her.

She's like, fine, fine, fine. And then she went down there and then she did act cool, because in her head she was probably holding out like, maybe if I act cool, he'll see how fucking cool I am, and then I want to be with me and not this other bitch. And meanwhile, I fucking got away with it. And you know what? A part of me died. Another fucking chunk of my soul came out.

It's a dirty fucking game. It's a dirty goddamn game. I'm a piece of shit. Don't fucking listen to me. All right, what else do we got this week? But by the way, dude, now that I've talked about it for 10 fucking minutes, you got to write a spec and let us know what happened. All right?

You know, I realize this might be like one of those stupid Hollywood movies. And then I realize that's not the person I wanted to be. Dude, if you do that, I don't want to fucking hear it. But if you do the dirty bullshit, I want to hear about it. Would I be the worst fucking life coach ever? All right, here's a segment. Corporate cunts. Hey, Bill, for someone who flies as much as you do,

can you take a shot at explaining the logic behind why a one-way ticket almost costs more than a round trip? For domestic flights, maybe this isn't a problem. However, I'm flying from Europe at the end of the month on a one-way ticket. And it costs one and a half times more than a round trip ticket. And I immediately said, well, why don't you buy the round trip ticket? And he addresses this immediately and says, and if the airline company can prove that I purchased a round trip ticket

with the intent of not using the return for the flight, they can legally charge for the price difference between the fares. What the fuck? Is this normal business practice? I hate to tell you it, but it is because that's how corrupt our fucking government is. That's how powerful corporations are around the fucking world. They do whatever they want to do. And they have this thing where every quarter, they have to show a profit.

All right? Actually, they have to show more of a profit than the previous quarter. They can't even just have the same amount of profit. It's not enough. And basically, they've legally run out of ways to create revenue streams. So what they're doing now is they're just stealing. They're stealing from people. All right?

If you have a one-way ticket, that means you're going home or you're starting a new life and you want to get the fuck out of where you're at. So that's why they know that they can charge you a ton of fucking money. All right? And then what if someone buys a round trip ticket? Then we'll fucking, we'll just write this little bill here and we'll have the senator who we fucking paid for his goddamn campaign

help push it through. Isn't that how it works? They just call this senator? I don't know anything. Yeah, no, it's a piece of shit thing. So what you got to do is you have to vandalize the airplane. All right? Do something to vandalize the fucking airplane.

I don't even do that because all they're going to do is just pass that expense on to us. This is what you have to do. You have to find out who it is that came up with that. Who created that? Who was the lobbyist who pushed that thing through? How that somehow became legal? You got to find out where they live and then you just got to,

you got to tail them the whole fucking week. Get their patterns down. Figure out when they go to the goddamn gym. All right? Borrow a pair of pantyhose from your fucking girlfriend. Put it over your head. Hide in some shrubs. And when that dude comes walking out of the gym

with that fucking towel around his neck, you just blast him right in the face. And then you fucking choke him with it. You choke him and you mush his face into the mulch. And you'd be like, that's for the one-way ticket from fucking Holland back to the stage, you cunt. And then you're getting your fucking Ford for Steve in your driveway.

That's the only way to get back at him. And if you do that, I'll give you a free DVD. Underrated, overrated for the week. Underrated, the movie Waiting. It's all about the world of restaurant, waiters, cooks, et cetera. It's funny, honest, and quite gross. I imagine it is because I've worked in a couple of fucking

restaurants and the shit that goes on, you know, the shit that you'll do when you're not cooking for a family member is really, it's staggering. I'll leave it at that. Overrated, this is pretty bitter, but anyways, when you watch the special features on a DVD, and there's always the making of feature, far too many of these features,

including the movie Waiting that I just recommended, have the actors and the directors jokingly calling others on the film useless, awful, amateurish, et cetera. They'll talk about how the whole film is a disaster and we'll go straight to video. Get it? They don't really mean it. They're joking around, lol, lol.

See, I told you it was a bitter one. Yeah, I guess, you know, I kind of understand. I mean, how many times can you just sit there and go, Ashton Kutcher was absolutely brilliant in Madam of the Butterfly, or the Butterfly Effect, whatever the fuck it was called. That scene, his reaction here, is right up with Bruce Willis in Die Hard, part three, when he turns around

and looks at the green screen and pretends to be looking at a jumbo jet. It was absolutely some of the best acting. I mean, how long could you listen to that? So they got to make fun of themselves. I would go with arrogance. I would just talk about my scenes and how fucking amazing I am while I was pointing out the dumb shit that I did in it.

YouTube videos for the week. And dude, I'm going to tell you, man, I think I'm recommending, or at least the listeners of my podcast, we're recommending some of the funniest and best fucking YouTube videos out there. How great were those YouTube videos last week, you know? All right, here's one. Duck Face Song.

Search Duck Face Song, like quack quack. Duck Face Song. This is an amazing one. Search fake yo-yo trickster fools every TV station everywhere. I mean, granted, it could have been shorter, but fake yo-yo trickster fools every TV station everywhere. This is hilarious. This guy goes on and he claims to be a yo-yo champion,

and he actually sucks at it, and he talks all this shit, and then he goes on there and he can't pull off any tricks, and he just stands there and leaves the morning news guy with the awkwardness of him completely failing, and not handling the failing, and just leaving it in the lap of the reporter, and it's fucking awesome. Here's one for all you kids,

and I'm going to use the young kid word. This one is epic. This one isn't on YouTube. This is how cutting edge the Monday morning podcast is. Go to www.everythingisterrible.com, and then search for the video. This is hip-hop, and it's awesome. It's a fucking white lady soccer mom,

and she's going to let you know what time it is. I'm going to leave it at that. Everythingisterrible.com. A couple more. For all you Nick fans out there who are licking your wounds, go search LeBron James Decision Interview Parody. I think you'll enjoy that one immensely. For all you Death Metal fans who have a sense of humor,

and because this one really hinges on actually knowing the song, there's a band called Cannibal Corpse, and the name of the song is Hammer Smash Face. And if you don't already know that song, I suggest you listen to it first. Listen to Cannibal Corpse Hammer Smash Face for as long as you can, unless you're a Death Metal fan, and then you'll love it, or a fan of comedy.

And then go to search Cannibal Corpse Hammer Smash Face, Smash Face, Disney Radio Version. Some fucking genius out there basically, you know, I guess Death Metal is a lot of like, I don't know, the darker chords, and he turned them all, plays the same chord, but in a major chord, which are the happier ones. And then he sings the song with the same lyrics,

it's fucking great. And that is it. You know what I didn't bring up, aside from hyping the MMPodcast.com, is, and all of this LeBron shit, I didn't really bring up like the fans of fucking Cleveland, and yet another fucking blow that those people have to take. I mean, they're just, it's brutal, between the industry leaving that town, and then all, you know,

C.C. Sabathia, he ended up going to New York, Manny Ramirez went to Boston, Jim Tome went to Philly, I mean, they had the team. And now they finally get like fucking arguably, I would say the next Kobe level player, he's got a way to go, but the next Kobe level player in LeBron, James, gave him a reason to go to the downtown area, it sucks. It sucks, because downtown Cleveland,

if you really look at the buildings, if you can look past the scary homeless people, and really look at the buildings, it's beautiful. It's just that, you know, getting back to these corporate cunts, they just pulled up stakes and they left, because they were sick of paying people a fair wage, and they were sick of having to pay for health insurance, and they wanted to have some eight-year-old,

go put the fucking grill on a goddamn fucking Caprice classic, I don't fucking know. Same thing with Detroit, those, all those cities, Buffalo, all of them, if you look at them, the buildings, they're beautiful cities, and you can see what they used to be, and it's a fucking shame. I don't know, I don't know how to bring them back, you know, by American.

It's just why I'm gonna get the fucking Challenger. Okay, and if I find out that it's actually put together down in fucking Honduras, I'm gonna be fucking pissed. All right? El Challenger is dodge, no, put together in fucking whatever the fucking thing is. I'm gonna learn Spanish, god damn it, and I'm gonna have two podcasts.

I'll have one in fucking Angles, and one in fucking Espanol. Wouldn't that be great? Then I could actually trash people in their native language about how much soccer is fucking boring. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Once again, thanks for everybody contributing. Please visit themmpodcast.com. If you don't want to search YouTube,

it's a fucking pain in the ass, or then you got to go to EverythingIsTerrible.com. If you just want them all in a night, nice, neat little package, like those little fucking things, you know, when your girl's got a birthday, and you just go down to the spa, and you get a little fucking fancy soaps and everything. We got YouTube videos packaged just like that

with a nice little bow on them, and all the references that I make, like Bill Bradley and all that bullshit. Go to themmpodcast.com. I'm gonna be at the Montreal Comedy Festival this week. I'll be doing David Letterman next week, but that's neither here nor there, because I'll be doing a podcast next Monday before I tape it anyway,

so I can talk to you guys about what it's like to be sitting around the day of doing a David Letterman spot. That is it. God bless you. I'll talk to you later. Rockton The King Islands Malawi

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