Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-13-17

Episode Date: July 13, 2017

Bill rambles about babies, nature videos and Johnny Paycheck.

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I've been real good. Been drinking the throat coat tea and having the lozenges. Had a great week. I did the, I thought it was a two year anniversary. So three year anniversary of the goddamn comedy jam. And I sang for the first time came out dressed as Johnny Paycheck. And I sang that take this job and shove it. I ain't working here no more. And then I sat in a plate drums afterwards played sweet child of mine for the finale. And you know what's funny about that song? I never really listened to the drums once slash started playing the guitar solo. That's one of those guitar solo songs. I always have to fucking rule. I can't listen to it one time through.

I always have to rewind it back. You know, he really starts slash really starts getting going. I fucking love that solo. And I was so listening to what he was doing. I never really listened to all the cool drums underneath it. The great Steven Adler. So I had a great time doing all of that shit. Last night I did a fucking benefit for the troops there. And I just had a, it was a fucking amazing night. Just went out there one of those nights you walk on stage like, you know what, I don't feel like doing my act. And you just start fucking talking and it works rather than your bombing.

You know, the nights when you don't feel like doing your act and you don't do your act and you start bombing, then you reluctantly go into your act. It becomes, you know, get all grumpy. The crowd's sitting there like, what the fuck is this guy's problem? Came down here to laugh and he's coming out. He's being all fresh. Oh, it's just one of those, just one of those great nights. And other than that, I've just been stuck in a writer's room. So I have no idea what the fuck is going on in the world. This is what, this is, this is what happens when I go into the writer's room.

I have no fucking idea what goes on in the world. We're working on episodes one and two. We have our first table read tomorrow. So well, I gotta fucking, I gotta look at my lines, make sure I sell the jokes so they get laughs so we don't have to fucking write new jokes. That's how it works. The madness has begun again. So, um, I can't remember what the fuck I talked about because I already started this podcast that I mentioned that my wife came into work today with my lovely daughter and everybody got to see her. And it was the highlight of my day. And try to make sure she does that more often. You know, they're only little one time.

I came home early. I come home a little early now, right? I got the whole excuse now because I gotta go home and see my baby, right? So I come home and she's got this little chair, you know, that just like fucking clamps onto the table and sits in that thing. And she just sat there talking to me like how, you know, trying to talk to me is I had dinner and my lovely wife was downstairs sleeping. We just basically had our first dinner date. It was so, it was so cool. You know what amazes me is she like cracks herself up. She can't speak a word of any language. And so, but she sits there and she thinks about stuff and she just kind of chuckles that they're going.

And I'm just, she just be by herself and I'm just, it kills me. I'm like, what is she thinking about? Like to make yourself laugh, you got to think about something that's fucked up, which means you got to have a knowledge of something that's like, you know, how things should be. Like when somebody comes walking in the room, they're just supposed to walk into the room. They're not supposed to bump their head or fall on their ass. Like, you know, what's normal? Like how to share like what's her idea normal? I don't know.

I don't know. This is like one of these things that, you know, when you watch like the, one of those animal programs and they start telling you what the fucking ant, what the animals thinking. You just, you just want to be like, how in God's name would you know that? You know, when the shark does this, it's actually, it's actually afraid because it's blah, blah, blah. They do this when they, when they fucking make this noise with their mouth that it's actually, this is like a mating call and say, how did you figure that out? Like you followed this thing around the fucking woods.

It made that noise. And then another bird showed up and they started fucking. These are like birds. Like how did you figure that out? How do you keep, you haven't tried to keep up with a bird? I've never tried that. That's going to be hard as hell. How many fucking people are in the woods?

Fucking bird gets like performance anxiety. Ideally, you know, you think you could keep fucking if you looked out the window and there was like 10 birds with cameras looking at you, writing shit down and everything. You'd be like, what the fuck's with these birds? And you kind of forget what you were doing. I've never understood how they do that. Like how big the jungle is, all of that shit. You had the cameras set up and you were able to capture this fucking thing,

killing this other animal. Well, like they're following like a fucking unbelievably deadly snake. They're following it through the forest. And then they'll fucking be on the other side of the log and it's coming over the top. It's like, is that, is that fucking snake in the union? It looked like it went back to one when you reset and action. And it's like, it comes over the fucking thing. I swear to God, I watched one one time.

I'm telling you, they set this fucking mouse up. The one day they had footage of the mouse. It's in the fucking woods. Or I guess if it's a poisonous snake, it's got to be the jungle, right? At that point. I don't know the forest. All right. And this fucking mouse is like freaking out in this snake, like a rattlesnake is on like

it's, you know, it's on its path. It's chasing this thing. So the fucking thing goes down this hole, this mouse. Okay. And then they show the snake, you know, coming over the log and then it goes down the same fucking hole. And then all of a sudden I'm in the hole with the mouse. Like there was a camera down that hole.

Like how the fuck, how the fuck did it know? Did you know to put the camera down there? Right. And then the mouse is down there and you see the thing freaking out. Like, you know, like it's a fucking setup, man. Right. The fucking snakes coming down. It's like Joe Pesci.

When he thinks he's getting made, he walks out. No, bam. That was it. The snake came in and fucking killed the mouse. And I remember just feeling, I just was sitting there watching it going like that. I just watch a fucking murder. Did that thing, that was like a hit. That wasn't just some random shit that they kind of caught.

Like, you know, when they see like cheetahs chasing down some fucking thing. I don't know. I think they ought to investigate that one. That was clearly a, that was something that's definitely worthy of an investigation. A suspicious, you know, you know, when somebody dies and they just say, it's like, yes, seem like natural causes. What's that other word they use? I don't fucking know.

I always root for whatever animal's dying. And there's a lot of animals that I don't like because they're fucking scary. You know, when you watch like a, one of those big cats, which I love those fucking things, but when you watch him, you know, when you're watching him taking down one of those bulls, it's like I'm all for the fucking bull, like rooting the thing on. Then all of a sudden it kicks one of the lions in the face where it stabs him with the horn and then the lion limps off. Then I feel bad for the lion.

I'm like, ah, fuck man. The lion's going to die now. You know, I don't like hyenas and I fucking hate monkeys. I like gorillas. I don't like monkeys. I definitely don't like chimpanzees. And I'm definitely going to go see Planet of the Apes and I'm rooting for the humans as much as I know that, you know, if we win, we're going to continue to cause global warming

and global TV sets into the ocean. I just, I don't like those fucking things. Like that first Planet of the Apes, it's latest reboot of it. When the things walking down the street and had like pants on and the guys like holding its fucking hand. Yeah, like me and I always go to the Planet of the Apes movies and we just exchange looks the entire fucking time just looking each other like this is just fucking, this is so fucking weird. They're so fucking weird.

They're so close to what we are, you know, but they can like rip your face off and they just don't give a shit. I'm actually more nervous than them biting you. I don't know. I don't like fucking monkeys. I respect them and, but I could never live in a country with it just out in the wild. Like that, like party. Do you ever see like those things like in India or some shit and some guy will be walking

down the street and this fucking random monkey will just run up behind him and give him like the monkey version of a fucking flying drop kick and the guy does like a face plant and the monkey takes off like laughing at him. Like, I wouldn't be able to handle that. I'd be like, I'm going to fucking kill that thing. Not kill it. Kill it. Cause then I feel bad, but I'm going to throw a fucking rock at it.

Right. If I'm walking down some fucking God forsaken road and a monkey knocks me over and then it goes up the fucking train. It's jumping up and down all proud of itself. I would, I would love to think that, you know, for all the Peter people listening that I would be mature enough to not do something, but I would have to do something. If I lived in a country that had fucking just monkeys running around, I would have like, I would, you know what I would do?

I would design like a portable fire hose, right? You know, with that level of fucking velocity. And after they fucking did whatever they did, throw their poo at me or whatever the fuck they did, I would just blast them right out of the trees. You know, those little ones. If there was fucking chimpanzees, you can't have them. You can't have it. It's amazing how we just found out now that chimpanzees can like rip your face off.

You know, like when they go to kill another chimpanzee, they like to rip their balls right off, twist their foot off and fucking rip their face. They do all this fucking crazy shit. Then they get all amped up afterwards. All the other apes after they fucking killed that one. They're jumping around all talking shit about what the fuck they just did. There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way.

I could live in a country that had that type of shit. I would, I would be fucking packing the entire time. You know, like if my neighbor ever just like for the years, like in Hollywood, like the chimpanzee was, was so fucking castable. And now that I've actually gotten to a writer's room and I talked to these guys about different shoots, everybody has a monkey story. Everybody has a fucking monkey story where it's like, oh man, you know, can't do it. Can't do it, man.

Can't do it. I won't work with them. I won't work with them. And I'm like, really? And they go, why? What happens to the guy? You know what? This is what the fuck happens.

Okay. You do, you know, you got a finite amount of time. The monkey's going to do kind of what you want it to do. And then it's going to get to a fucking point where the monkey's just going to go fucking ape shit. No pun intended. And it's just going to do what it's going to start flying around the fucking set. And it's something, somebody's going to get jumped.

You know, I worked with a guy. He got fucking attacked by a monkey on a set. There's no fucking way. There is no fucking. I remember a long time ago we did the, uh, when I did the opiate Anthony show, right? Which I'm hoping, you know, now that opiate schedules all freed up now, I'm hoping that maybe, you know, guns and roses can get back together. Huh?

Who knows? Stranger things have happened. I was on the opiate Anthony show and somebody brought in, it was, uh, I think it was a baby tiger and the thing was fucking adorable. But I'll tell you right now, it was like the size, it was between a house cat and a bob cat as far as the size it was. Now, I mean, it was kind of like the size of a house cat, but it was fucking jacked. You know, it's, it was be like a baby bear cause it's going to turn into this three,

four, five, 600 pound fucking thing. When it's a baby, it's still like, dude, that thing could fuck me up. They're Freddy Krueger paws that those bears have. So they got this fucking, uh, they bring in this baby tiger. It's the white one, right? The bill per version of the tiger and they bring it in. I remember Anthony was going out, but Anthony goes, baby animals are adorable. Like he fucking loves him.

And the fucking thing was the goddamn tiger was not in a good mood. And it was like going, wow, wow, wow. Doing like this baby little fucking roaring. So they go, do you want to hold that thing? And I was like, no. I mean, yeah, if you declaw it and you're fucking duct tape, it's fucking cute little mouth shut. Yeah. I maybe then, maybe then I would fuck with it.

You know, can you put some boxing gloves on it? All four of its paws. Yeah, then I would do it. Then I would do it, but I just, you know, I've gotten scratched by a house cat. It fucking kills. It hurts that thing with its baby lion paw. The fucking thing was the size of like four house cats. If you took all four house cats paws and you put it together, that was the size of this fucking thing.

So Anthony fucking starts, you know, playing with the thing. And I remember he ended up getting scratched. He got scratched on his neck and then they told me how to go get a fucking shot. I don't know if you ever did it. And yeah, it's weird because there's a white guy. I should be the kind of guy that goes around fucking with animals, but I don't. I do, but I don't. I go to the zoo.

I kind of fuck with them, but I don't know why I just want to see, you know what it is. I want to see him do what they do. I don't want to see him chilling. That's fucking boring to me. I want to see him kind of flipping out. You know, like I hate when you finally go see a poisonous snake and it's just laying there all wound up like some climbing rope. You know, I want to be like, oh, you know, like I'll fucking murder you. I want to see it do some snake shit.

That's the thing. You go to the zoo. It's like everybody. It's like, it's like everybody's in a spa or some shit. You know, I'm just chilling out. Oh God. How much of Peter people going to hate me on this one talking about shooting monkeys and comparing the zoo to a spa? Oh, just to let you know the conditions.

I know I'm just saying they're chill or depressed. I don't know what they are, but then they're not doing anything. It's just like, yeah, I get it. I can't get out of here. So you know what I mean? It'd be like, you know, going to look at like human beings and they're all in jail. Like, why would you want to do that? So I'm going to just fucking sitting there on a cot.

Like, yeah, I'm here for the rest of my life. It's like, all right. Nice talking. You can just move on to the next guy. You don't want to see that, right? You want to go down to a food court. You want to watch people free. Like food court is like the Sarengeti, you know, watering hole for human beings.

You just go down there. You look at all the different species down there. All interacting, you know, everybody seems to be getting along. Then all of a sudden somebody comes, one of those little kids comes by with the wheels on his sneakers and freaks everybody out. The herd starts to stampede, something like that. At least that maybe that's on Black Friday. I don't know what happens. Anyways, I got a bunch of reads I have to do because there was no reads during the fourth of July weekend.

One, two, three, four, five, five reads. But they're fun reads. I always make fun. You know what I mean? I'm the kind of guy that can make advertising fun. Like the think, here we go. Oh, goose back. It's all zip.

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Good Lord, that was a lot. That was a lot. Hey, guess what? I'm talking about booking my 2018. I'm already working on that type of shit, and I gotta tell you, I was so impressed with the track in Austria at the Austrian Grand Prix. I think I'm gonna go to that race next year and I'm gonna do a show in fucking Austria.

What do you think about that? And then the next fucking week is the British Grand Prix. So goddamn it. What the fuck? I might as well go to England, right? I'm gonna knock out a couple, two, three races a year, you know, till it starts getting shady. I gotta start going to those fucking countries where I'm like,

do these people hate us? Is this bad place? I'll have to check out with like the fucking, goddamn United States Embassy. Yeah, what did you guys do to these people? And are they over it yet? Like, as everybody's telling me, Azerbaijan is a beautiful place to go.

I don't know. I see that A and that Z and I just start thinking like, I don't know about that. I, J, A, N, I just feel like, that just sounds like they're sitting on oil. And if they are, I know we're over there fucking with them. You don't decided who their leader was or whatever the fuck we did. You know what I mean?

You gotta do that. You gotta pay attention. You know, Singapore is the shit I've been there. I've never been to Malaysia, Japan. I gotta go there, right? I gotta do that. All I gotta do all of that shit. That's what I went to.

Gonna fucking build my whole year. Never been to Wimbledon. I gotta do that. Oh, and I gotta go to that fucking TT race next year. Those are the three I'm going to knock off, right? F1 race, fucking Wimbledon. And I'll go to that fucking TT race, right? Watch somebody fucking slam into the side of a 7-Eleven

about 200 miles an hour or 320 kilometers. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. I don't pretend to know. All right. So I'm off to go to fucking Grand Rapids, Michigan. And I can't wait to do this. It's gonna be such a fucking fun gig.

And I completely fell off the fucking wagon. You know, I went over to this fucking pool party and I had some beers. And then I've drank every single night. Not a lot, but I've just been drinking. It's not even getting hammered. It's just the calories. But I've dialed the drinking way back.

I tell you, this is what happens to me when I go into the fucking writer's room. I've been great in the writer's room except today. I had a cheeseburger. But other than that, I've been in the writer's room for fucking two and a half weeks. And I have eaten salads the entire time. I have drank waters.

I'm eating fucking fruit. I'm fucking killing it. But today my wife came by. I'm like, all right, let's go to fucking. We'll go to Shake Shack, fucking, right? Those burgers are so goddamn. This is free advertising. These burgers are so fucking delicious.

But they're fucking, they're like for a five-year-old. You know, every time I see this, I could eat ten of these things. You know, they taste so fucking good. And you just, like, three bites. The thing's gone. How many steak in Shake, fuck, not steak in Shake. Shake Shack burgers you think you could eat.

I've eaten so bad in my life, like, I don't have the tolerance I used to, but, like, in my prime, I bet I could eat five of those. That's not bad. I'm just under five foot ten, right? Fat fuck still. I gotta get back on the fucking elliptical.

You know what? My dog was in town. My dog was in town. I got to see her yesterday and today. She's fucking happy. She looks great. She looked so fucking great. You know, came over, right?

I brought her over to the house. She met my, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, she saw me again, was freaking out and all that stuff, saw Lola wag her tail and then later looked over at Lola, you know, and she was way, way, way away, by the way. I made sure she was way the fuck away

and I had her on a leash the whole time. And she looked over and she just went like fucking growled at her. I was like, all right, there you go. That's why we don't have you anymore because you are a fucking, insane fucking lunatic dog. I love you to death.

Like I would have to have dog whisperer fucking skills and, you know, I don't know that it actually gave me closure. Like I know I made the right fucking decision. I knew that it was going to be a fucking issue. I more thought that she was going to go after. She gets so overly protective that once she bonded with the baby

that it was going to be like, she can be lunging at people down the street because according to my trainer that it would cause her even more fucking anxiety. That they have like a baby, you know, yeah, I hear that, hey shit like that. I have heard stories of like people, like they have a dog, right?

And then they have like a baby and then the dog like lays underneath the crib and the parents are walking to the baby and the dog starts growling. So then they got to like get food, you know, and throw it to the dog. We'll go get it. Not realizing that you're rewarding the dog

for the behaviors that you don't want it to do. It's just too fucking much. And yeah, I am 100% at peace with the decision that we made. And I am also so fucking happy that she has a great home. She looked fucking amazing. And, you know, I got to walk her the last couple of days, you know, playing with her and all that type of stuff. It was really fucking great,

but definitely obviously made the right decision. You know what I mean? And I'm not trashing the breed or anything like that. We just got a dog that was, I don't know, this dog, it's amazing that this dog has not been put down like fucking nine times, you know, this dog is just, it's like, it's fucking, they should do a 30 for 30 on this dog.

Like all the fucking shit this dog has been through and how it always met people that, you know, were in its corner. We did what we did fucking 2009 to last year. We did seven years with it. And, you know, and now it's, you know, I got a deal worked out with my trainer that he's going to keep the dog until she passes.

And I'll still be able to visit her and all that, but that's the last time I'm bringing her by the house. It is. But anytime he comes to town, I always fucking, I go on hikes with her and I fucking, I love the dog to death, but we definitely made the right decision and, you know, and I'm still fucking paying because I still have to pay.

It's weird. It's like, it's his dog, but it's still my dog. So I'm still paying to board the fucking thing. This fucking dog is going to, is going to cost me a fortune, but I absolutely love that fucking dog to death. I do, I do, but, you know, you know, I knew,

I knew it was going to be a fucking problem. So, and I know all you dog people will be like, that was your energy. And there's a barbecue bread. Fine, pin it on me. Pin it on me. I did not have the skills. I did not have the skills.

And you know what? My dog still alive. My baby still alive. And I'm not on the news trying to explain what the fuck just happened. You know what I mean? Cause I knew something was going to happen. Someone was going to get bit and then my dog was going to get put down and I was going to have to deal with some fucking horrific guilt or something.

So that's it. That's it. So anyways, that is the, that is the podcast for this Thursday. You guys have yourselves a wonderful weekend. You come there and thank you to everybody that came out of me. I was hoping to do one show out there in Grand Rapids. We got, we got fucking two sold out and we got this other one. And I am in such a silly, stupid fucking mood.

The shit that's coming out of my mouth. I can't fucking wait to just continue on figuring out what this next hour is going to be. All right, that is it. Oh, congratulations to fucking Aaron judge. Jesus Christ. Did you see that fucking display? I love that they said no one could hit one out of the Milan's baseball stadium. And he fucking did it.

It's literally like watching Paul Bunyan. I'm going to figure out when the fucking Yankees are coming to town. Hopefully they have an interleague game with the Dodgers. So I don't have to drive all the way down to fucking Anaheim, which is like a three day trip. Now the amount of people out here. I got to see that guy's rookie season. I always try to see like when somebody like breaks out like that,

you try to seem their rookie season. I've been doing that all the way since back like Alan Iverson. I saw him as rookie season. I always tell this story. I saw him as rookie season before he had the cornrows. I saw him at the LA sports arena. Biggie Smalls was in the crowd on that trip when he got murdered. Like a few days later.

And I fucking walked up to him after and he was standing there. He had like his security guys were standing there. And he looked cool as shit. He had like this purple, like long fucking coat. You know, like the color of royalty and stuff, you know, and he had like these sunglasses on. And I remember some guy walked by and just went baby, baby, yelled at him.

And he just went, what's up? What's up? Just like that. And like, I swear to God, like, look up on the schedule. 76ers versus the fucking LA Clippers. That was 1997. And it was either like the end of February, early March. And that was the trip, man.

Like he wasn't alive for like another fucking week. It was so creepy. He was only 20 fucking for crazy. And by the way, there was just the 10 year anniversary of that. That genius getting fucking killed. And they still haven't been able to figure out who the fuck did it. Unbelievable. And like I said, they can't find who killed Kennedy, right?

If you believe in that shit. You know what I mean? How hard they're going to look if a fucking rapper gets shot. You know what I mean? They're going to look the other way with a president. Do you think that was all him? That single bolt action fucking rifle. Jesus Christ.

I don't know. He was a Marine. Who knows? All right. I don't know what I'm talking in circles here. All right. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend.

I'll talk to you on Monday. He's going to be, uh, what the fuck is it this weekend? What the hell's the next one? Oh, it's in Britain. What am I talking about? Oh, what's his face is Louis Hamilton's homecoming. All right. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll see you. Oh, listen to the music, by the way. I can't end this podcast. Listen to the music and enjoy the greatest hits Thursday podcast. My Thursday gone by in a year that no longer exists. All right. You guys see that I just saw a commercial, uh, uh, for Kentucky fried chicken where the parents are all excited because the two bratty kids won't sit still at the dinner

table, but they got him this fucking chicken. And they're feeding it to them. They're basically very subtly saying that there's drugs in this chicken that will make you a spastic children. Chill the fuck out and spastic. I mean, like, you know, not, not the way they mean it over there in Great Britain. You can't say that on the comedy, or you can say it in a comedy club over in Scotland, but you'll have a rough, you'll have a rough go of it.

If you say the kid was spastic over there, that means like severely, uh, mentally challenged over here. That means you're not going to get laid to your 26. When you're in grad school, looking over a fucking cadaver, right, with some other fucking nerve nerd, right, and you're just sitting there going, you know, the ankle bones connected to the knee bone, right? Has any of this made any sense? Well, it shouldn't.

It's fucking Sunday night and I am spent and I got a whole bunch of shit I have to do tomorrow. So I got to do it tonight. All right. I'm off my game. All right. You, you cleanse your liver in like 42, 43 days or something like that. Every drunk I know has told me that.

Every drunk I know that does not have a medical degree has told me that if you go 42, 43 days, you will cleanse your liver, at least to the booze. You know, now if you fucking, you start doing blow or, uh, you know, eating a bunch of trans fat fucking food, or feeding your kids Kentucky fried fucking chicken, Jesus Christ. What happened to parents that you got to drug your kids to keep them under control? You know, you know what it is, kids don't respect their parents. They respect them, but they don't respect like, Oh my God, this, this person could ring my neck, could pick me up by my hair, right?

Could grab a paddle and fucking, you know, mostly hit my ass, but also kind of hit my lower back because I'm squirming, right? That doesn't exist anymore. So now these kids are so fucking out of control. These people have to go down to Kentucky fried chicken. Okay. And I use the term chicken very loosely to go down in whatever that is that's in that bucket.

Okay. If it doesn't have a beak, it doesn't have feet. If it's fucking, you know, chest is breasts are sticking out like the cast on fucking, uh, what was, what was that show with the Italians there on New Jersey shore, Jersey Shore, right? My world, that's not a fucking chicken. You know, you want the chicken that looked like Mark McGuire in his rookie season. You don't want to eat the chicken that looks like Mark McGuire when he fucking played for

the Cardinals, you know, do you eat a regular fucking chicken? First of all, it's going to look like a pigeon to you because you're so used to seeing those roided up ones that they have murderers row that you got down there at your fucking Shaw's. Right. Your Vaughns, your JC pennies, wherever the fuck you buy your goddamn chicken. You go down, you go down to any one of the mainstream fucking supermarkets. Okay. And I swear to God, when you get to the chicken section, okay, if you, if you slept for the

last 30 years, like that Van Gundy guy under the bridge, whatever his fucking name is, Van Morrison, the hell's his name, Rip Van Winkle, right? It was one of those people, one of the Vans. Um, if you slept for the last 30 years and you went down, okay, and they showed you what a chicken was, you'd be like, uh, you'd be like, that ain't no chicken. Okay. That's a goddamn turkey. I know a fucking, I know a fucking turkey when I see one, all right.

I ain't no such thing as a nine pound fucking chicken. Can't be done. No, sir. No, sir. Get off my property. Okay. I'm, I'm done with your witchcraft. Okay.

Hey, I said get the fuck out of here to fuck off my property. Um, honey, get the gun. Um, yeah, you would think it was a fucking turkey and the thing is, is now it's a chicken. And I remember I watched one of those food inks, one of those fucking liberal goddamn things, you know, talking about flying carpets and electric roads and all that bullshit somewhere in there. They were talking about, you know, the food supply and how poisonous it is, poisonous, poison is, is, um, so I fucking went down to a farmer's fucking market and, um, I said,

I want to, I want to, I want to all, I want, I want to, I want an all natural fucking chicken. I can't even talk. I'm so tired. Want an all natural chicken. The guy goes, these are all natural. And I said all natural and he goes, well, I'm like, come on. Where is it? And he had to walk around the corner and sitting over there lonely.

I swear to God, looking like a dove, looking like somebody killed the fucking dove. He goes right there. And right there is a hundred percent all natural, nothing's wrong with it. And I was like, I was like, what, what, that's what a chicken's supposed to look like. And he raised his eyebrows and he kind of put his lips together. So they were straight line. And then he nodded, you know, I looked at people do like, like, yeah, I'm in the matrix. I realize I'm in the matrix, but you know, I knocked the bitch up.

So I got to be selling these roided up chickens. Now, anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So basically that's what these people are eating over there. Okay. They are, they are drugging up their kids, but I can't get mad at them because I actually did that to Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings. I've told this story before, hey, I'll tell it against my fucking podcast. I actually drug the exact thing that they're doing in that Kentucky fried chicken commercial

where they're trying to get their kids to sit still by just feeding them so full of these fucking trans fats from these roided up, beakless fucking chickens with their dolly part and breastesses, right? I did that to fucking Don L. and Charlie. I was hungover and we were taking a car service from Chicago Zainis up to one of those, whatever the fuck it was, St. Charles. It was a three city run and one of them was St. Charles. So we're getting in the fucking limo.

Don L's in rare form, Charlie's in rare form. They're fucking gabbing and trashing people and me and everybody and I just don't want to hear it. I'm like, I don't want to listen to these fucking guys running their goddamn yaps in the back of this car, the whole fucking way up. I want a nice quiet ride. This is going to suck and I walked outside, hungover and I walked into the Chicago where almost got hit by three fat people and I looked up the street and I saw it.

I saw Popeyes and I was like, oh, thank God. And I fucking walked in there and I got all this fucking Popeyes chicken with biscuits and all of this shit food and I brought it back to the car. And as the car pulled up, they came out and I said, hey guys, I got to sell some, I got us some food and they went, ah, that's fucking great. You know, they were hungry or whatever and they started chowing that fucking Popeyes food and I sat back nibbling on a drumstick and I swear to God, 10 minutes later, they were asleep.

I'm not lying to you. They were fucking asleep, snoring the whole way up and I was just sitting there loving life the whole fucking ride up and I, you know what? And I admitted to them later. They thought it was funny, but that's basically what it is. They call it the itis. That's what they call it when you eat that shit food and then you have to go to sleep. They call it the itis, I guess.

And by day I meet African Americans. They call it the fucking itis and that's what they got and I learned that from Donnell because I don't know how that man stayed in shape, but he had the worst diet. He's one of those guys who like, you stop for gas and he comes out of the gas station with like one of those gas station hot dogs and he would eat it and then he would immediately fall asleep and I would say to Charlie, look at this guy, he's sleeping and Charlie would be like, yeah man, he got the itis and he explained that to me and with that little bit of information, it went into my evil white brain and I drug my two African American friends.

Way back in the year 2005 and that's a little chicken story for you. What did you like that, everybody? So that's what the fuck they're saying right there. That's what Kentucky Fried Chicken is allegedly saying. I guess I have to say alleged so their lawyers on retainer don't attack my fucking podcast as far as I can tell. I'm asking you right now, Kentucky Fried Chicken hiding behind your fucking letters, is that what the fuck you're doing, is that what you're saying?

If you got kids who are not stimulated enough that they can't even sit down, if you haven't run them around, you gotta tie your kids out, open the door, you send them out in the fucking yard, go outside, get outside and play, that's what you do like a goddamn one of those fucking Irish dogs that was bred to herd sheep, you gotta let that fucking thing run around, run around in circles, go ahead, get out there, take a ball and you just fucking throw it out in traffic, you can let that dog run around dodging cars, it comes in, it's gonna lay down, okay? It's not gonna jump all over a company sticking its cold nose right in their fucking hoo-ha's.

That's what you gotta do with your kids, you gotta send them outside, right? But to catch a predator and all these other fucking shows, you know, all these shows on TV where people forget their kids are in a car with their windows rolled up and their kids are too fucking dumb to roll them down or they're too weak because they haven't gone outside and climbed a fucking tree and they stay in there and their brains get cooked like a boxer, you know? You know that dog boxers, they don't do well in the sun, well neither do fat kids, if you leave the windows rolled up, you know, and they got those weak arms, that all the most

tedious things they ever did was take a wrapper off of a fucking ice cream sandwich, right? He can't leave them in the car. My mother left us in the car all the fucking time, she would go to school, she was going to school during the day trying to further her education and she left five fucking kids in the car with the windows rolled up and money for Burger King and she would say to us, just go into the Burger King, that's the only time you were to leave this car over the next three fucking hours when I'm in class and she would disappear around the corner after we said absolutely mom and she walked away and we immediately would get out of the

car, start walking up and down the streets in Boston. We'd go into fucking Burger King and we'd have some to eat, do you know what would happen nowadays if they just saw five fucking dirty faced kids walking up and down Com Ave, Boylston Street going into a Burger King, looking like the cast of fucking Annie, someone would have filmed it and my mother would have been and they would have taken us away, you know, but they didn't because there was no cameras back then or videotape ones, I mean there was, but only people had them and like the news and a young Steven Spielberg. So we went in there and we fucking got some food, climbed on cars and fucking yelled at

people and shit, you know, hanging on parking meters and all that, hence we had the fucking forearm strength to roll down the windows and none of us ever had an issue in the car and you know what, I think that's one to grow on. So there you go people, I'm not saying KFC is food, I'm not saying it's bad food every once in a while, who's kidding, who, every once in a while, it would be great if you could just fucking do heroin the way you can eat McDonald's just like every once in a while, you'd just be like, you know what, yeah, let's just fucking tie off, not off for the rest of the fucking day and like the people at work understood it, you know, hey

where were you yesterday? Ah, I got this black tower heroin came in, you know, hadn't done it like three months away, figured fucking, oh, is that what you did? How was it? How was it? You know, like you went to a rubah, you said, ah dude, it was awesome, fuck it. I don't remember shit, but you can't, you know, you get addicted to it. Hey, what's going on?

This is Bill Burr and this is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 13th, 2009. This is my third attempt, possibly the fourth attempt to try to do this podcast. But as always, I got 9,000 things on my mind, I have to go to the airport and like two fucking hours to fly up to do my shows in San Francisco this evening and I already walked my friggin dog. So I got that out of the way and I'm actually psyched to be at my apartment. This is the first time I've been here in about five weeks and it's nice to be sitting here on my couch with my feet on my coffee table.

Do I own anything else? No, I rent. So the landlord owns the fucking floor, but I don't have my feet on it, all right? So fuck him. If I ever tell you guys about my place, I fucking had, I came home, right? And you know, I don't know if you guys have ever left your life for five weeks, but when you come back, it's a nightmare. First of all, there's like three pounds of mail and I don't know about you guys, but

every once in a while, I give to one of these, you know, save the wolves or, you know, save this park or save these lepers or whatever the fuck the causes. And I swear to God, don't ever give money through the mail, okay? Give it directly to a homeless guy, you know, throw a hamburger to a fucking wolf from your car window. So the love of God, do not get on, don't fucking give money through the mail, because when you do, they literally clear out an acre of trees from the rainforest, trying to send you shit to get more money from you.

It's actually annoying. It's like, you feel like a sap. Like you just feel like everyone out there who's looking for money, like your address just lit up like, oh, we got a sap. We got a live one here. He actually gave money. Holy, oh my God, this guy gives a shit about wolves. You know, where the fuck were the wolves, by the way, before they reintroduced them into

the parks and they started killing elk and competing with the bears and more importantly, the hunters. So the hunters don't want them there. Is that, is that what's going on? Is that the wolf issue? You know, what exactly is going on? Your wolves, where the fuck are wolves anymore? Is there any place out there?

You know, it's not a fucking mall at this point. I don't know. Is that intriguing for your Monday morning? There's some fucking, that'll get your conversation going, huh? All right, this podcast has sucked so far. It's how I know a podcast sucked. If fucking three minutes into it, I'm already looking for questions that people have sent me.

All right? I'm a little out of it, people. I went, I went, I went a little hardcore the other night, as always, which is why I'm shutting it down and I'm, I'm just drinking cranberry juice with lime now after my shows for a while. And all you fucking douchebags who've watched The Departed will all come up to me. Hey, what are you on your period? Did you fucking see that movie that 9 million other fucking people saw?

Hey, when people quote fucking lines from movies, you know, like, like the country didn't see it already. You know what I mean? It's like you're already telling an old fucking joke. Nobody cares. All right? Did I say I wasn't in a good mood this week? I don't sound like it, do I?

Girlfriend's laughing at me. All right. All right, let's get to the, oh, wait a minute, you know, I didn't finish telling the story. No, I went a little hard the other night. I actually, I ordered that UFC fight and I had a couple of friends come over who all remain nameless because I'm a guy's guy and I don't name names. Huh? You like that?

You like how I just dubbed myself a guy's guy? You know, if Michael Jackson can give himself a fucking nickname, why can't I give myself one? Bill Burr, the guy's guy, the king of guys, guys. And you know, I got an email, this guy was, I got a couple of emails of people giving me shit saying I completely dropped the ball when it came to Michael Jackson's death and I just talked about what a big star he was and I didn't chastise him for stuff that he got acquitted of.

And you know what, I disagree with you. I 100%, I think the hacky way to go on that one was to talk about how the guy, you know, is to be that moron who walks around saying that, you know, he's guilty of that shit even though he was never convicted. Okay. And I know the guy got a ton, he's got a ton of fucking money and all of that stuff. But you know, I'm not saying he did and I'm not saying he didn't, but you know, that's so, I don't know, I just thought that that was a hacky way to go to be, you know, considering

some fucking congressman out on Long Island, did some rant, you know, and put it up on YouTube and got it like a zillion hits. I mean, right there, you know, that that's a hacky route to go as a comedian, if fucking some guy who you know wears like penny loafers without socks, you know, if that guy can come up with a fucking video of the shit, you know what I mean? Why don't you go watch that guy's video for his insightful, this guy's a fucking kid fucker, this guy's a fucking freak, you know, those people who just go that complete knee major.

I mean, how uninteresting is it to go that fucking route? You know, hey, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to state the obvious, you know, this guy's weird. He had 9,000 plastic surgeries. What the fuck is with this guy and go the exact same route people went with that chick with the eight fucking babies? Did that make any sense whatsoever? I'm just saying, you know, Jesus Christ.

When I when I talk about Elvis was fat while I'm at it, you know, all right, anyways, I was watching that UFC. Do you guys watch that the other night, Brock Lesnar probably had the best post fight interview I've ever seen in my life. He basically pounded this guy. Was it Frank Mira? I don't even know the fucking names. I'm out of the loop when it comes to that shit.

This guy basically to just if you're not into the UFC, this is how big the guy basically has a tattoo of a sword on his chest and he's so big. I think it's like fucking actual size. You know what I mean? Like if I got that tattoo, it would look like a little paring knife on my chest where his literally he's got the fuck. It's like a samurai sword. It's starting.

I don't even think it starts. It starts like above his navel and it goes all the way up to his neck. And of course, he has the point of the sword at his fucking throat. That's just a maniac. You know what I love too was when he won, the crowd starts booing him and he immediately gives everybody the finger. And when he comes up to the microphone, everyone's booing him and he's going, I love it. I love it.

And you could clearly see that he didn't love it. You know, Brock, you didn't love it. You want to be loved. Okay. But it was great. I think they finally have a good heel and the UFC. You know what I mean? These guys are the toughest motherfuckers on the planet and for the most part, when they

end the fights, they always just compliment the other guy, say I respect the guy or whatever. But this night was fucking great. This one guy knocked out this other dude. The guys just lay in there on the ground and then this, the fucking dude who knocks him out then for some reason leaps up into the air and just lands on him and punches him in the face again. It was like a tempted murder. And then he like admits to it at the end of the fight.

Like, yeah, I did that. I did the second one because, you know, we talked a lot of shit. It was great. It was total thunderdome and unlike a lot of pay-per-views that you throw your fucking money down and afterwards you feel like you got raped, I definitely feel like I got my money's worth. So there you go. If you want to pick a pay-per-view, go with the UFC.

What the fuck did Brock say? He said something like, he's like, ah, that guy, you know, the guy he fought, he goes, he had a horseshoe up his ass last fight, I pulled it out, and I bashed it over his head. Woo! And he had like this psycho fucking date rape vibe. I'm literally waking up my entire fucking complex doing a bad impression of fucking Brock Lesnar.

I'll like, whatever. It was a great thing. Let's go to the ass bill. All right. Let me get out of this fucking thing because, you know, half, you know, as I'm doing this podcast, half of my brain's going, dude, you haven't packed yet. And I'm not going to pack shit anyway, so this is one of these overnight gigs. What I do is I basically wear the shoes so I have them.

I wear the shoes that I'm going to wear on stage, right? And then I just, whatever I wear on the planes, whatever I wear on the plane and I just fucking pack my pants and the shirt that I'm going to wear that night and then like a fucking toothbrush, toothpaste, shave and shit, I put it into a lunch bag, little plastic thing and I throw it in and that's fucking it. That's it. And I zip right through the airport, you know? Security guards looking at me.

What's with this guy? He doesn't have any luggage. He doesn't have any luggage. The fuck's with this guy? I'll tell you what the fuck's with this guy. He's going to San Francisco. He's coming right back and he doesn't have any drugs in his ass. All right.

I'm telling jokes. Stop fucking looking at me. All right. Let's go to ass bill. Here's an interesting question. Bill, I've been dating the same girl for about two and a half years now. We've talked about having a threesome but I've never met the right girl to do it with. Okay.

Here we go. This is called the beginning of the end of a relationship. We're tired of fucking each other and we've admitted it to one another and now we're going to go outside the relationship but we're too codependent to break up with one another. I'm just fucking with you. All right. Here we go. He says, I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 26.

About two months ago, I added some random cougar to my Facebook who is 42. All right. Now it's getting interesting. My girlfriend got all pissed about it and we had a minor fight. Fast forward to this past Thursday and my girlfriend runs into the cougar at a bar while she's out getting hammered. Okay. Time out.

You added some random cougar on Facebook. Guess what? Four billion people on Facebook and somehow your girlfriend runs into the random cougar. Dude, you added an old fucking broad. You met in a bar down the street. Are you on Facebook? Yeah, I'm on Facebook. You know, add me.

She's probably already rubbed one out with her old wrinkled up hand. She probably already gave you a hand job at the local Hooters, didn't you? Right? And then you're fucking like, then you're feeling guilty and you're like, all right. Well, if I include her with my girlfriend, maybe I can get some of that. I just sort of cheated stench off of me. All right. I'm judging.

I'm sorry. Let's plow ahead here. So he goes, I'm at home and I get a call from my girl at one in the morning who says, I met the chick you added on Facebook and we should have a threesome with her. Good for her. Jesus Christ. All right. At first I was kind of excited, but then my girlfriend says she wanted to take her

back to the apartment to experiment with just the two of them. Oh, this cougar is good. She's good. She sweet talked you, right? Sweet talked you. And now she's sweet talking your girlfriend. Um, she's in the guy says, uh, I freaked out and told her that it would hurt my feelings if she messed around without me.

Basically, my question is, is it cheating for my girlfriend to hook up with another chick if I'm not there? All right, dude. You know what? You're asking the wrong question. If I could be so bold here, the question you should really be asking yourself right now is when you look at your girlfriend, you got to say, is this the future mother of my children? If it is, don't have a threesome with her.

Okay. Because I don't care how much you love her. The sight of her going down on that old clam is just something that it's just something that I just psychologically, I don't know how you're going to be. That's going to be holding your child, something that hopefully 50% looks like you one day. You know what I'm saying? That's just a, uh, you know, seriously, dude, if this is, if this is the woman you want to marry, I mean, come on, man, some dusty old broad down the street, you guys are going

to fucking doing a decent proposal with that. You know, I could see if, uh, there's something about going to another country or a far away place and doing something like that because, you know, you get to play that, oh, we're just different people now. And then you come back and you act like it never happened. You just compartmentalize it and, you know, it comes up in an argument, you know, fucking 12 years later, but by then who gives a shit because you're both old and out of shape. To go right down the street, you're basically shit and where you're eating.

Um, I don't know, dude, I like, if, if you're not going to marry this girl, then you know, why not? I would do it for the story, but, uh, if you really think that this is the girl you're going to marry, I would, I would tap out of this one. I'd wait for, uh, I'd wait for some fresher fish. Jesus Christ, Bill, sorry, I've been really crude lately on this thing. Um, but anyways, I will ask you a question is, is it cheating for my girlfriend to hook up with another chick if I'm not there?

Um, ah, Jesus Christ, this is just another one where women get away with it, right? I don't know, would it be cheating if you went out and blew your best friend? I think it's just kind of fucking weird. There's just something about if you have the same sexual parts, it's like it's less cheating, it's more weird. Yeah, it is weird. If she's fucking there, then she's just having a full on lesbian thing where if

you're there too, then it's just sort of like you're adding to like the candy dish. You know what I mean? It's another little spice in there. Hey, I already got one vagina. Oh, look, there's another one. You know what I mean? And you know, you get to stack them up. What you want to do is have the three on one and you just stack them all up.

But I call that the traffic light, right? Oh, shit. I think I just coined a phrase there. I love how I'm acting like I've actually done any of this. I haven't done any of that, you know, I actually care about my girlfriend as much as I'd want to have a fucking two on one. I just, I couldn't, I couldn't, I actually mean that. She's sitting over there putting lotion on herself.

Look at you getting all adorable. Why are you looking all nice now that I'm leaving town? Huh? What do you got? Some office boyfriend? Sick of that lavender robe. My girl has this fucking robe. This is way too personal, but I really need to buy, yeah.

You really need to get a new one over there. Dress it up a little differently. Is that the dog? Okay. Fucking codependent pit bull. Can you believe that shit? So anyways, dude, you know what, I would be honest, like this is the deal, man. If, if you're not going to, if you're not going to stay with this girl by all

means, fucking do it, by all means do it. But if you actually love this girl and you're going to marry this girl, do you really want, I mean, the next time you guys get tested for whatever fucking reason, you know, you got to worry cause you, you've, you've put your dick in and be Davis. What are the fucking names? What's the name of that chick who played Alice on the, was it Alice? What the fuck was the name of that?

Hey, what's the name of the housekeeper on the Brady bunch was Alice, right? It was Alice. Some reason it came out of my mouth. It didn't sound right. All right. Um, oh, this is the best part of the email. The guy goes, PS, I tried to use small words in this email because I know how you suck at reading things off your computer.

Ah, shit. That really made me laugh. All right. Even though I didn't laugh right there, it did make me laugh cause it was the excitement that it was new. Then I just read it again and it wasn't new to me. So I gave it a lifeless read, which goes back to what I was talking about earlier when people quote shit from movies that you've already seen.

I only need somebody comes up to you and they're like, Hey, Hey, have you seen the department? Hey, what have you seen the department yet? Yeah, yeah, I saw it. Yeah, yeah, that one part and they were in the bar. I saw it and they just keep plowing through and no matter what you say, no matter what you do, they're going to do the whole fucking scene. Why can't you just say, Hey, listen, you know, that movie you've already seen and

you don't want to hear me do, I'm going to do it anyways. So it'd be in your best interest if you don't want to be involved in this to fucking walk away right now, because I am unstoppable once, once I fucking get in this mindset, you know? All right, let's go on to the next question. Hey, Bill, first off, uh, I'm a huge fan of the Monday morning podcast. Thank you. Uh, you've always given some great advice to comedians starting out, but I was

wondering what advice you have for someone with the few years of comedy under their belt. I'm a young comic and I've been doing standup for a few years and I've been doing regular work, hosting, featuring, et cetera, but I live in a smaller market. Uh, that's a good thing actually when you start now, um, I'm moving to LA in a month and I'm very excited to dive into the big comedy scene and looking forward to the challenge. I was wondering, Bill, your thoughts on the various comedy stages in town, UCB

versus the comedy store versus the laugh, laugh factory and so on. What is the vibe from place to place, which is your favorite since you moved to town? All right, this is my whole vibe. Uh, as far as, okay, you're in a small market. You started in a small market. That's a great, that's where I mean, I'm basically going with my experience cause I started in a smaller market in Boston and, uh, before I moved to New

York and then coming here to LA. Um, so I think starting in a smaller market is better. It's just easier to get on stage, less competition. There's nobody watching you in that type of shit. And then basically what happens two to three years in, you start looking around going, all right, I got to get the fuck out of here. If I'm ever going to get to the next level, and then you have to make a determination of whether you're going to move to New York or LA.

And, um, I don't know, I was way more of a New York guy, but you basically should check out both places and whichever one you just feel is drawing you towards it, I would go that way. And as far as what, um, the comedy store, a laugh factory, UCB, um, I like all of those places and I can tell you this, if you're moving out to LA to get into TV and movies and that type of thing, I would take an improv class. It's something that I wish I did and it's something I plan on doing soon. And, uh, it's weird.

It's kind of looked down upon by comedians, like when they, when they look at improv shows, they, you know, somebody throw out an emotion. We always consider it like fucking hacky or whatever, but, um, I don't know. I think there's a reason why when you watch the office and you watch Saturday night live and you watch all these shows and so many people are coming from, uh, you know, second city and UCB. I mean, I actually went to the ground link show. This guy's buddy of mine, I asked, she was doing a show down there and I went

and I saw it and it was fucking great. And what I noticed when I was watching it was literally everything that they were doing, if you tried to do it and stand up, you would, you would just get raked over the coals by the comedians. They had props, they were singing songs. Uh, what else, what else can you not do as a comedian? Um, without getting beaten with a fucking mic stand. Um, you know, they were up there with other people, you know, they were dressing

up, just fucking all this type of shit, but it was fucking hilarious. And I, I remember when I went down that night, I was watching the show at the ground links and it was hilarious. And then I went to the comedy store, but it was, and it was also hilarious, but I kind of understood why, like when you watch an improv show, especially if they're doing like sketches, it's like watching a live TV show. So you don't really have to think there's no thought like, Oh, can I see this person on TV?

You feel in a way like you're watching a TV show. Whereas if you watch a comedian, you know, what you're more hearing is like, uh, a monologist and somebody like spewing out their thoughts, which is also fucking hilarious, but I can see why they always approach comedians now to host reality shows or to, uh, I don't know, whatever the other shit that they fucking have us go out for. And they think that we can't act because they can't really see us doing it. So anyways, um, you know, I guess what I'm trying to say is come out here and

do stand up, but don't be, I've definitely take acting classes, take those improv classes because it's only going to help you in the long run. And, uh, you know, those improv classes, I think it's kind of like open mics. You need to go to an open mic because you need a safe place where you can just bomb and suck and learn to get good. Um, and I feel that you should do the same thing with acting. You should go to acting class and just fucking bomb and just do a bunch of shit that you would never do if you just went on, you know, if you booked a guest

star on a show or if you booked a part in a movie, because you'd be like, oh, fuck, I don't know if this is going to fly. And that's not really the place to see if something's going to bomb is when you, you book a big gig and people still don't know who the fuck you are and you, you make some big fucking choice. So, um, I don't know. I like all the clubs out here as far as the stand up clubs, but, um, I would definitely, if I was you, that, that would be the biggest thing I can tell you is

definitely do shit like that. So, uh, it'll help you with your auditions. It's something I wish I did back in the day and, uh, I don't believe in that. Everything happens for a fucking reason. I believe no, I made a mistake and that is one of the mistakes I made in my career is I did not focus on that shit. All right. That was a little sad.

Okay. Let's move on here. Um, oh, here's one for you. A little self-checkout story. Um, if you're new to my podcast, I am 100% against those self-checkouts in, uh, grocery stores. I am not 100% against automation. I have no automated machines.

I have no problem with the ones at the bank where I have 24 hour access to, uh, my money and just for the simple fact is it takes me two seconds to get my money. I stick a card in, I punch in my password. I say withdrawal. They say how much I say this much and I have my money as opposed to self-checkout where I have to become a fucking cashier and a bag boy and I have to scan a weeks worth of fucking groceries. And if something doesn't have the right bar code, I have to do what?

Get a price check. I don't know fucking what. And that's after I stand behind a plumber who's doing the same fucking thing. And considering it isn't any quicker where an ATM at a bank is quicker, it makes, you know, or automated things that at the, at the airport has made checking in for a flight quicker. So I want you fucking nerds out there who keep thinking that I'm just against tech, you know, advancements and technology.

I'm not, I am, I am against the ones that is not, they're not an advancement. It's only an advancement for the fucking big goddamn store. All they've done is just, you know, enabled me to do somebody else's job for fucking free and it takes the exact same amount of time, if not fucking more. Okay. If you could come up a way for me to scan my fucking groceries and it actually was quicker and they magically were bagged, I wouldn't be doing this shit. So anyways, here we go.

This guy says, so it's 11 PM and my fiance is dying for some ice cream. Everything's closed out there by the time we get outside the bars and a couple of major, um, only a couple of major supermarket chains were open. So we hit a local Kroger supermarket, which is open 24 hours. We grab a pint of ice cream and walk to the register thinking this should be quick. Boy, oh boy, were we wrong. We couldn't believe what we were seeing. Uh, this store had maybe 15 lanes and not one was open.

All we had were four of the do it yourself lanes open and one person overseeing those. Um, this would be fine if the four people who were using these registers didn't all have $150 worth of groceries in their cart. Plus there were four or five people waiting in front of us as well. I don't know if you've noticed, but this is what people, uh, but I don't know if you've noticed this, but when people scan their own item, it takes approximately twice as long than if an employee is doing it. Thank you.

That's what the fuck I was saying. Plus one of the poor people's scanning their groceries was an elder elderly man and one of those drivable carts. This man could barely move yet. He was forced to scan his own shit. And then when he, uh, had to pay, he couldn't really reach the slot where you put your cash in or slide your credit card. And you could tell he had a very hard time reading the screen from that far away.

So we finally make our way out of self checkout. We scan our one item and of course the computer doesn't register that we place the ice cream on the bagging area and keeps telling us to remove the last item and re scan it. And after that comes up a few times, I tell, uh, it tells us that the employee has been notified and to please wait. So we look at that one employee sitting there whose only job is to watch a bunch of suckers do her job and for her, uh, and what is she doing?

Playing with their fucking iPhone. We get our, we get our attention, pay and get the fuck out of there. And to top it all off, since it's July, by the time I fiancee opened up her Ben and Jerry's, which she had to wait a half hour for, it was all watery, you know, just how she likes it. Um, anyways, um, yeah, see, I mean, I don't know. I've talked about this shit till I'm blue on my face. I don't understand people who think that big time corporations come up with new

technologies to try and help the customer save money. Um, if you want to know how a corporation's mentality works, I can recommend a good, um, documentary that I saw, literally called the corporation. And it's a great one because it isn't like this Michael Moore totally slammin. You know, everybody in corporations are evil. It actually just showed how people in corporations are kind of regular people, but just the, uh, business model and the momentum and the direction that it goes in and how they always have to show a fucking profit, no matter what leads to

them doing literally psychotic shit. Um, anyways, um, oh, here's another thing he says, uh, get, um, also, did you see the alleged swimming pool racism thing going on in Philly? Looks like the wrong person watched your last HBO special. Yeah. I got a lot of emails about that. Um, I guess that happened the whole get out of the pool thing. You know, I think what I was trying to say in that bit was kind of lost.

What I was saying was that white people are evil has been documented. You know, they started off with major subjects like slavery. And, uh, they just kept making the movie over and over again. They had to come up with new subjects to the point it got all the way down to swimming, which to me was kind of fucking nitpicking, but I actually saw somebody sent me a clip of that, that story on, uh, on the internet. And it was a classic news story where they just show one side of the new story. All they showed were the people complaining.

They didn't show the other side. And then everyone just has those other people convicted. Now I'm not saying that they, they fucking didn't do something wrong, but you got to hear the other side first, you know, you got to see what the deal was. Were they decent kids? And they went there and they really got judged. Or was it a group of fucking asshole kids? And then they got booted out.

And then they just played the race card. You don't know until you've seen it, but I can, I can tell you this. I don't think it's a smart thing in general to, uh, you know, city kids versus suburban kids. It's, that's never a good thing. When you grow up in the city, no matter what color you are, you age and dog years. You know, when I was out in the suburbs playing with the fucking stick in a mud puddle, the white version of me on the inner city was learning how to fucking, I don't know, take ecstasy, you know, I mean this straight across the board.

Paris Hilton probably went to her first orgy when she was like 11. You know what I mean? I don't know. You know, and I don't get, she, and she's like the king of all whores. And I don't give a shit how you take her out of the city and stick her in a nice fucking park. She's still a psycho whore, right? So just being devil's advocate here, you know, that being said, you really shouldn't

have a problem with anybody getting in a fucking pool unless they're trying to drown your child. I hope that made sense. I hope that didn't come off like in a Fox News way. I didn't mean it that way. Okay. But I do fucking exist. I don't know.

In my own fucking reality sometimes and my shit doesn't come across the right way. So whatever. Anyways, you guys can ask me questions what I meant by that. Anyways, uh, dating services, uh, Bill, what is your opinion on dating sites? I personally think it's a bunch of shit. They advertised about how much, uh, they match people perfectly and show these happy couples who supposedly have everything in common. Um, what if you don't want to be in this?

What if you don't want to be the same? What if you want to be happy with someone who is dramatically different? Those things are for people who have given up all those dating services of people who have completely given up in life to the point that they have no human contact. So they have to sit in front of their computer by themselves to try and get some. Well, that's a little harsh. Um, what do I think about them?

Um, it depends on when I see them. Sometimes I see the commercial and I think they're funny. When I'm going through a rough period in my relationship, I'm jealous of the people I see on TV because they seem so happy and they're playing that little zippy piano tune in the background. You know, that E harmony and that girl goes, oh, this could be, and never last did love. And there's like two people in Argyle sweaters crawling all over each other.

Yeah, it gets fucking annoying. Um, so you know what I actually did? I went to a, uh, I went to a dating site and I, I'm actually going to check this fucking thing out here and, um, it, it goes from creepy. I don't know, the window here seems creepy and nerdy. And then there's just one guy on here. You can tell he's just trying to pull some ass off of this. All right.

Here, one guy starts with my darling. I wish to be near you. All right. This guy's a psycho and he's got the classic sitting there with his fucking hand underneath his chin. I simply wish to be happy together with. Favorite dot, dot, dot. I hope that I meet you here and we can be happy and to be one family.

I wait for your letter and then we can learn more each other. Okay. This is definitely a second language. Look at this fucking pussy hound. He's banged everything in his country. Now he's coming over here with his broken English going to a dating site. I respect that guy. All right.

Here's another one. Seeing if Mr. Wright exists. All right. First of all, this girl's smile is she smiling like Eric Estrada, you know, when you know exactly how many teeth a person has in their mouth, you shouldn't see somebody's molars when they smile. Anybody else?

Anybody else with that? You should see basically teeth six to 11, right? Seven, eight, nine, 10, 11. Yeah, that's canine to canine for those of you who've never been to a dental office. Um, anyways, this lady says, uh, I'm a fun outgoing girl who likes to try new things. I'm loyal, trustworthy, friendly and caring. I like to go out and meet new people. I like to hang out at the beach and travel to places that I've never been to.

Really? Really? Yeah. I mean, these, these descriptions are ridiculous. I like all of those things, but I'm also prone to fucking road rage. I accidentally punched my dog in the face the other day. Did I tell you that? This is actually true.

I was rolling around with Cleo, right? And a fucking wrestling with her, right? Having a great time. And she's, she has a tongue, like a fucking paintbrush. She licks you twice and you have to take a shower, you know? So she gets all excited and she wants to start licking my face. So I kind of stuck my, my neck out to keep my head away from her. And she brought her fucking rock hard head up and hit me right in the throat.

I mean, almost killed, almost crushed my voice box, right? I was, and I was like, Jesus Christ, this dog. I was saying, my God, do you believe how hard this fucking dog's head is? She goes, Oh yeah. She goes, like nothing affects her. You could literally punch her right in the face and it wouldn't even bug her. And I was like, Oh yeah. And I was trying to be funny and I just sort of threw a jab and I tried to pull

the punch, but she moved her face right into it. I punched her right in the face. Just like this, this hard. You hear that? Just like that. And she didn't even flinch. She didn't even shake it off. She just continued licking my fist and I felt horrible.

Yeah. I'm telling you, I started to punch the dog in the face. That was brutal, right? It was an accident. I said it was horrible. All right. Let's read a couple more of these. Uh, geeky Filipino girl looking for a sweet guy to spend time with.

See that there's, that's, if I was going to go on one of these sites, I would more gravitate towards someone who actually kind of had a sense of humor about themselves as opposed to someone who writes on this journey called life. I swear to God, somebody wrote that. I enjoy traveling and exploring new places. So why not look online for someone to be able to share journeys together with. Whether it's to a local museum or to exotic locales in distant countries. Question mark.

Oh, Jesus Christ. He had every, he had every hacky thing in there, you know, life being a journey, going to a museum, he had everything, but talking about watching sunsets, you know what, fuck that guy. Um, Oh, here's one guy, guy with a little five o'clock shadow. It's nice out. We should do something.

Hi, I'm Daniel. I like being outdoors, traveling, photography and learning new things. I'm mellow and could be somewhat shy when meeting new people, but I open up pretty quickly with the right person. In other words, he's going to be a sweetheart until you get him alone in your fucking apartment. He's going to tear your clothes off. Who is this person?

Um, all right. And search for a hand to hold me psycho. Everything happens for a reason, good and bad. Okay. That guy's depressed. I love and enjoy my life in LA. I am looking for a partner who can be my best friend and share things together. She looks creepy.

Uh, oh, here's one girl looking for a guy who's going to show her a good time and appreciate her. All right. Her dad didn't stick around. She'll blow you easily within the first three hours. Um, looking for a genuine guy. The best way to describe myself is as easy going individual. I'm genuine down to earth.

You know, these fucking people, they're all full of themselves. Here's a guy just looking for fucking ass right here. He's standing here in a tuxedo, work hard, play hard. I am new to the South Bay and I have only lived in California for nine months. I know when you're looking for some ass to tag. Here's the last one. Beauty isn't only physical, but in inter beauty plays a major factor. All right.

That means she's a fat chick. That's mean, but it's fucking true. She is fat. Um, all right, let's plow ahead. Um, what, what's my feeling on those? I don't know. I don't know what my feeling is. Uh, I would feel like a loser if I went on one of those.

Um, but I think the older you get, the less you would feel like a loser. Um, unless you're just doing it just to get more pussy than I kind of respect it. You know, all right, there you go. Was that ignorant enough for you? Was that the usual level of ignorance that you expect on this podcast? All right. Sports bill, you talk a lot about sports and your podcasts and I enjoy your passion. Um, but for life, I'm, I'm from Australia, but for life and me, I, for life and me,

I can't understand the appeal of American football. When I was living in Seattle, I went to a few Seahawks game and I found the game tedious as it stopped start nature. Totally put me off. Do you think you need to grow up with the sport to enjoy it? Um, I mean, I enjoy watching hockey and the occasional baseball game, but I just can't get into American football. I usually watch Australian rules football during the winter.

The best way to describe it is a contact version of soccer and basketball. Um, yeah, I think you need to grow up with it. I got to be honest with you. I went through a good five year period where I found NFL football mind numbingly boring for the same reasons you're saying. I just, it's just stop, start, stop, start. Um, I don't know, I think, I don't know. I have ADD, man.

I like hockey. It just keeps going. It just, it doesn't stop. There's not 58 fucking timeouts like basketball with the last four minutes takes two hours to play. Um, yeah, I can see that. I can see, um, cause like I, I wasn't really into soccer. I watched American soccer, which is horrible because the crowd doesn't really

give a shit or the way they broadcast it is just, it's just not presented well. But when I watched like the Premier League or something like that, you know, overseas stuff and everybody's singing songs, they got their scarves on and going fucking bananas. I actually can get into it. You know, and I like that when there's 90 minutes, it takes about 90 minutes other than the, the extra time for whatever penalties. But the one thing I don't like about soccer is anytime anybody gets barely

nicked in the shin, they fucking collapse down to the ground. Like they got hit by a truck. It's like, it's like the whole field is a bunch of pow gussalls. That's what I can't stand about soccer. And it's like, dude, you have on shin guards. So I want to know if you, uh, anybody from around the world, when you play soccer, does it really hurt that much? I'm not talking if somebody's got spikes on and they step on your ankle.

I understand that that's going to hurt. But when they kick you in the shin and you're wearing shin guards, do you really have to roll around on the floor like that? Huh? Like the fucking pussy that you are. Um, oh, somebody sent me a funny email going, Hey Bill, great, uh, point about nobody good looking being in England ever coming from England. And they said signed, uh, whatever that soccer player's name is, who came

over here that no one gives a shit about. And, uh, who's, who's, who's that horny looking girl that went out with that guy who got the fucking prostitute Hugh Grant? What the hell was that name? Was that Linda Lavin? I never come up in the names. Lisa Lohan, Lisa Kudra, Lisa Hurley, Kelly Hurley, Liz Hurley. There we go.

Thank you from the other room. Look at Nia. She's actually helped me out this week. Is this from a dating site? Oh. All right. There's, there's basically, this guy looks like a, uh, 58 year old pediatrician. Um, you know, bald white dude with, uh, coffee stain teeth, a big psychotic

fucking grin, and he's looking for a smart, sexy, spiritual goddess desired for awesome relationship with extraordinary man. Uh, how insecure is this guy? This isn't one of these guys who probably fucking has to sail a boat around the world to prove something to himself. You know, I did it, man. I found out about myself when I was out there jerking off in the middle of the Indian ocean.

Um, anyways, so, uh, one gentleman's quest to find his goddess. Are you capital letters? A woman who has most of the extensive goddess qualifications, at least he's being realistic as long as you got most. Um, here we go. Table of contests. Oh my God. Hi, I'm Mark.

Thanks for visiting my site. I'm looking for a true goddess for a lifelong intimate relationship. Dude, you're 58. You're looking for a 15 year relationship. And that's if you, that's if you eat vegetables and awesome marriage. She is highly intelligent, very sexy and deeply spiritual. All those highly, very in deeply are all capitalized. Um, please accept my apology for the length of this message.

There's really no way to condense it into a nutshell. Well, I'm going to condense it right now. Table of contents. He has a table of contents. Number one, chapter one is, it says my global vision. I fucking love this guy. Two, what do I mean by goddess? Three extensive qualifications for goddess I seek.

Note 100% is not required. 3.1 spirituality, 3.2 body, 3.3 mind. Social work, vision, sexuality. Four is about me. Uh, five geography, six surrender versus control. Wow. Jesus Christ. What do you guys want to hear is global vision?

This is really long. So tell you what, I'll give you, I'll give you the, uh, I'll give you the website address and you guys can read this. And if you want to talk about it next week, I will. Cause this is only like 10 pages. Uh, www.findingmygoddess.com. Um, no spaces, findingmygoddess.com. Um, Jesus Christ.

He's fucking putting it out there. All right. I gotta, I gotta, I gotta fucking wrap this podcast up. Um, what do I got to do here? Um, I'm going to be at the punchline in San Francisco tonight for two shows. This is, this marks my triumphant return to the standup stage after, uh, I have not headlined in Carolines was no, no, I did the improv out here in two months. So I did a quick set the other night at the, uh, comedy store.

I gotta tell you, I, I, I immediately, the second I went in there, I felt like I was at home, you know, I can't explain it. I hope you guys have that when you walk into your job. Cause it's a great fucking feeling, you know, rather than going there and just being like, Oh my God, when is this going to be over? Not saying that never happens, but, um, yeah, I'm psyched to, to, to, uh, to be back out there and I'm, and like I said, I'm going to be doing, uh, a standup special at the end of this year.

So I'm going to try to, I'm going to try to do some clean living here. Plenty of water, eight hours, sleep, no who was no booze, no nothing. Walter and telly nothing. Um, see, I just did a quote from a movie. Anyways, um, let's do a couple of overrated underrated and then that's going to be, that's going to be it. I'm also going to be at the comedy works in Denver this week. Uh, I mean, this month, July 23rd, 24th and 25th and young Joe DeRosa will

be, uh, doing a number of my fall dates as I get geared up for my, uh, my, my next special, which I hope I will make special. You know, I hope it's not just going to be yet another special yet another guy with his wacky take on life. You know, here's something for you guys. Like I really can't stand like the weird level of respect and disrespect that standup comedy gets like when you meet people and you tell them, you're a comedian, they always say, Oh my God, I, I, I have so much admiration.

I, I would never have the nerve to do that. Right. They always say that shit. Okay. But then whenever they write about standup or whenever they do, they, they're doing a caricature of a standup. It's always the most horrific obnoxious like tables. What's up with that?

You know, they still like, I think standup comedy is still suffering from the eight, the, the tail end of the eighties boom, as far as people's idea of what it is, because for the life of me, every time I read a fucking article about standup comedy, they always say this. Like recently I saw this article on Glenn Beck. He's one of these, uh, well, I don't know what you would call them. They're like, uh, celebrity journalists, I don't know, personality. They're like celebrity personalities.

They're kind of like, who's that girl? Wabba, wabba, wabba. Goodbye and God bless. Though that, if like downtown Judy Brown did the fucking news that that's what these guys are, like that they're sort of, I don't know. I can't explain what the fuck they are. You know, they should be opening Hooters around the country. Right.

So this guy basically Glenn Beck is going out and he's doing standup. So somebody asks him, go, oh, you're going to go out and go do standup. And he goes, well, I mean, I'm not going to be on stage going, what's the deal with airline food at a local yuck yucks? I'm actually going to be going out, telling stories that at the end will have a funny punchline, you know, something unique, something, something different, just like everything I did. I do or whatever.

It's like, oh yeah, I wish Bill Cosby, you know, at some point in his career, decided to tell a fucking story that was funny in the end. You know, it's just fucking drives me nuts. And with that fucking, my whole career, nobody has done jokes. I've been doing it 17 years. Nobody has done jokes about airline food. Nobody. Yet it is still defined by all those fucking guys dressed in their Miami

vice sport coats with the fucking sleeves pulled up that did jokes after joke, after joke about going to the dentist and about airline fucking food and safety. I mean, you're going on 20 years ago. I mean, if you want to make fun of standup, I understand, because there's nothing worse than a bad comedian, but at least update it. You know, say some shit like, you know, I'm not going to be up there, you know, doing tired material about Monica Lewinsky or even George Bush is, is fucking old at this point.

You know, but geez, enough with the fucking airline. Nobody's doing, I saw one time they were doing a story on some alternative comic and I don't know if you've noticed this, but whenever they do a story about alternative comedy, they somehow have to trash mainstream comics. I don't know why, but they do. And they're like, yeah, this is alternative comedy. This isn't some guy in a mainstream club working out five minutes of material

about airline, about, you know, flying on an airline for his next letterman audition, someone actually wrote that. All right. People don't talk about airline. Okay. We don't, okay. We still compare men to women, but you know, I'm just saying, if you're going to fucking trash us, you just have to decency to do a little bit of

research, you know, I would love to go see Glenn Beck and just start fucking heckling them, you know. Anyways, all right, uh, overrated, underrated. Hey, uh, Bill, um, here's my overrated for this week, Rachel Ray, she started out with her show on the food network called 30 minute meals, which was fine. She made tasty family meals that were easy and fast. And she sort of put forth a homie vibe. Then she got another show and then another.

Now she has four shows on the food network, half of which are just her eating food in different countries, saying YUMMO. And why the fuck does she have her own talk show? She is far from Oprah or even Tyra. I'm sick of her acting like she's normal, that she can relate to everyone. Fuck you, Rachel. I don't think I have to add to that. You, uh, really can't stand her.

Um, I don't know. I, if I was you, I'd stop watching the fucking food network. Uh, watch, uh, Mario Batali, you know, if you can get over his orange clogs, he really, uh, cooks a lot of great food. Um, overrated the fucking Jonas brothers. How the hell are these no talent douchebags famous? Well, they're adorable. They, uh, can play their own instruments and they are squeaky clean with their

virginal genitalia. Anyways, he goes, I hope all three of these faggots get car bombed. Jesus Christ, dude. Um, next, uh, overrated those men are evil movies on lifetime. I don't have to name them. In other words, you've never watched them, but you know, they suck. I'm agreeing with you here. Those shitty movies make me want to firebomb the set of the view like it's

Dresden. What does that have to do with anything? It says the peanut gallery, well, I'll tell you what it has to do. Uh, the view is a bunch of broads running their yaps who don't know what the fuck they're talking about. That's what he's trying to say there. Cause what does that have to do with lifetime? Because see what I did right there?

That is an old standup, uh, skill that I, a lot of times the crowd can't hear what the person heckling you said. So what you do is you repeat what they said. What does that have to do with lifetime? Cause they always have those fucking movies about guys throwing women into fireplaces cause the view is a bunch of women sitting around, uh, spewing out their, their thoughts. Yeah.

Their opinions. Yeah. Cause it's a bunch of women. It's really, there's, there's not a lot of layers to this. Nia is basically, he doesn't like lifetime. Huh? Don't use your real name. Well, I told you I didn't want to put you in my top fucking 10.

All right. Well, I can always edit this out. No, I can't. I don't know how to use, I don't know how to use garage band. Look, if you don't want to be part of the podcast, don't fucking chime in. Don't chime in. All right. Okay.

Come on. All right. See you later. All right. Underrated, underrated AK 47s to most people, I'm going to wrap it up in a second. AK 47s to most people, these are shitty guns, the terrorists carry around in movies, but they are, this guy's a fucking maniac wants to kill the Jonas brothers and he's into AK 47s.

All right. We're going to end on that. All right. Um, hope you guys enjoyed the podcast. Please come out and support my shows. And, uh, I'm going to be gearing up for my next special. So yeah, please come out and see me. I added some dates and I'm going to be adding some more dates, especially come

September, October, November, when I really start buckling down. So I don't suck. All right. You guys all have a good, uh, a good week and, uh, I'll talk to you next week. All right. Thanks. Bye. to Cerilas where romance finds fantasy.

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