Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-14-19

Episode Date: July 14, 2016

Bill rambles about malls, mustaches and fucking robots.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? Um, I'm fucking, ah, I didn't want to get into it.

We're up to episode 10. I have no life. I'm trying to fucking, I'm trying to get in a quick workout before I go to work because I am, I'm fucking right back up to where I was last year when I was like a buck, 86, 187. I am, I, you know what kills me? I've been working out. Why?

Do you work out? You're still put on work? Um, you know what is it? It's late night. I'm coming home. I'm eating like a fat chick, you know, meeting like some sad fellow who doesn't like himself. I just come home and I'm fucking fried. I get home at like seven o'clock at night and I go, ah, fuck it.

That's what I say. I get all the way to my street going. I'm going to get a salad. I'm going to have a protein. I'm going to fucking eat a bag of beans or whatever. And then I just drive into my driveway and I go, ah, fuck it. Right. I order a fucking pizza or a burger, you know, or I have a beer or something like that.

And at my age, yes, that's it. That's it. I go to my, look like I'm on my fucking second trimester right now. Ugh. I was with my wife the other day and went to a fucking mall, which is something I never do. Go into a fucking mall, right? You know, people go to the malls, people with children.

I get it. You get them out there. They fucking watch the trolley go by and, you know, Santa Claus is there, right? Just fucking sitting there, waiting for you to put your kid in his lap, your fucking weirdos, right? Hey, let's keep the lie going to the point. We put our child in some fucking perverts fucking lap. So they think he comes down the goddamn chimney.

I mean, is there any wonder so many people end up in cars they don't want to be in? Well, that's how you start out their life. You know, some fucking dude, we don't know, you know, don't really talk to sort of Godlike, you know, sort of culty, right? Charlie Manson here, all fucking, he's fucking coming in and everything's cool. You go sit in his fucking lap, but don't talk to strangers, right? I don't, I don't fucking, I'm just so whatever we go to this fucking thing and we're walking by the fountain, right?

There's a trolley and a fountain. This is like the fucking gayest place you could ever go to. And I don't mean gay in like the homophobic way. I mean, the way it used to mean like the 1890s, the gay 90s, as in, oh my God, could a decade get any happier, right? I mean, it was everything but fucking showgirls coming down, you know, like the end of the family guy song. That was the only thing that was missing and I just was like, what is all the excitement?

You know, fucking, everybody's here buying pants. Why are we having a fucking parade? You know, so I went in there and I just took her to go see the, the secret lives of pets, which I really enjoyed because, you know, I'm a dog, right? I love fucking dogs. And you know what? I was curious, what does my dog do when I leave? Evidently, they have quite the adventures.

Yeah, it was a fucking really good movie. I liked it. I was a bunch of kids in there screaming and yelling and that's what I wanted. You know what I mean? I went to the matinee show and I just have a bunch of kids screaming and yeah, I wanted the full effect of watching that fucking movie. You know what I mean? It's like when you go to a horror movie, you got to go see it and there's gonna be a bunch

of people yelling at the screen, right? And yeah, that's part of the fucking experience. If you want to go see a movie when everybody shuts the fuck up, you know, you got to do it in your house. You slap a few people around before the movie starts, you know, set the tone. Daddy ain't putting up with this shit, right? So anyways, long story short, and I dressed up a little bit when I went down there, you know, I've been working a lot, so I'm gonna take out my lady.

So when we're walking out, we're going by the fountain, you know, and there's like all, you know, like the plane like fucking Tony Bennett. If I ruled the world, every day would be like the first day of spring. Every douche would have such a wonderful song to sing. If I ruled the world, what a wonderful world it would be. Everybody's just sitting there mesmerized eating this fucking ice cream and shit. Yeah, you're buying pants. It was fucking weird, man.

It was like when you go to this, you go to some of these fucking malls, it's like you're in a Christmas special. I'm telling you, I wouldn't be surprised if they got a fucking mister, right? And they're putting some sort of like little dopamine in the air and you get like this fucking high and all of a sudden you're like, you know what, I already have fucking nine pairs of pants. One more, I'm in the double digits, seven days in the week, I want the overlap. I'm gonna go over the bar line, right?

Like Vinnie Caliuta in a pants way. Anyway, so I go, all right, I'm gonna, I don't know what had came over me. We walked by the fountain. I said, all right, let's get a picture. She's like, she couldn't fucking believe it. I was gonna take a picture next to in front of a fountain at a mall. This is not me behavior, right? Of course, she's all over it.

Women loved that time. Oh my God, that'd be so nice, right? You just, it just makes you want to start crying like, what happened to me, right? So all I want to do is take a fucking selfie, right? You know, get a fucking heads in it. My head taking up three quarters of it because it's so fucking big. And some douche has to come along and be like, oh, you want me to take the picture for you? And I'm thinking, no, I want you to, I don't want to prolong this moment.

You fucking asshole. Where's your guy code? Of course, my wife goes, oh my God, that would be great, right? So what does he do? He fucking takes one. Oh, let's get one more for safety, right? Takes another one. Oh my God.

And I look at this picture in the fucking horror that I see. My fucking stomach pushing out the bottom of my button-down shirt. And then when you really just know you're just getting fat, it's that fucking button right on your breastplate. It looks like it's doing the iron cross, just trying to hold both parts of the shirt together. And I look so fucking bad, I almost got mad at my wife, like, you let me walk around looking like that? It's like, I get that you love me, but you know, how about a little bit of tough love?

You know, how about a little, hey, hey, hey, fatty cakes, you know? You really going to have waffles again this morning? Exhibit A, right, and you bust out a fucking photo you took of me. Nothing will make you lose weight like a bad fucking photo, huh? Jesus Christ. You know, it's bad enough when they catch you in your own backyard, you know? But I'll tell you, you take a photo in public in front of a fucking fountain at a mall that has a trolley while Tony Bennett's playing.

I mean, I'm glad I didn't look at it until I got home. I would have fucking jumped into the fountain, just done a sailor's dive right into the bottom of that fountain. Now, I'm too vain to kill myself. I'll just hang around, make everybody else miserable. That's what you do. That's what you do. Oh, by the way, I finally, I watched the record of the British Grand Prix.

Fascinating fucking race with all the rain there. Who's going to go in and change the tires? Who's going to keep going and by fucking lap seven, everybody changed their fucking tires? Right? It kind of seems if you get pole position, you're basically going to win the race. These guys are so good and the cars are so equal. You can't, I've never seen, nobody does the stroke or race thing. Well, you're way in the back and all of a sudden, you know, you pass three people and

you do the little ZZ Top fucking Olay move. You know? Remember that fucking movie? He goes by three cars that are all fucking in a line drafting each other. And I've watched enough NASCAR with the Skull Bandit, Harry Gantt car, right? Daryl Waldtrip, Kale Yarbrough. I watched enough of that shit to know if two people are drafting, they're going to slink shot around you.

I'll tell you what, not when Pert Reynolds is there. I don't know what he did. Did he take off his two pants, stick his head out the window and make himself a little more fucking aerodynamic? Is that how he went by three cars? I don't know. Fastest chicken in the South. That shit does not happen in Formula One.

If you're not one of the top three fucking drivers of the Illuminati, you're basically, as far as I can tell, the five races I've ever watched from start stat to finish, you're not going to win the goddamn race. You know, unless the two guys up front don't like each other and they smash into each other. Jesus Christ. Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg, right? The end of the fucking race. Lewis Hamilton wins it, right?

Guys from fucking England, everybody, I'll a man or what? Everybody's going fucking nuts. And as I mentioned before, those two don't like each other. They're always smashing into each other. So in the end, they always show the green room afterwards after somebody won. And it was just like they, they didn't say one word to each other. Fucking me out, fellas. They didn't say one.

I think the fucking Toto guy, all I want to do when I wake up in the morning is feel your ass. When he fucking sat the two of them down, he goes, listen, you cunts, all right. I know you went out there and you watched Stroker Race. I know you watched that Kenny Rogers movie where he adopts the six kids but never really legally and nobody had a fucking problem with that. I know you watch Days of Thunder. All right.

This ain't that. This costs real fucking money. Stop smashing into each other. All right. I'll take you back to Germany and I'll reopen. I can't go that far. Oh, the Germans, you know, I'm telling you right now, if you take out about 10 years of their history, they're great people.

Um, anyway, you pick one wrong guy. That's what's so scary about this fucking, this election. I think that they should make Trump and Hillary both put on a Hitler mask on the mask, put on a Hitler fucking mustache and whoever looks the closest, you vote for the other person. You know what? The results may surprise you. Somebody make a clickbait fucking, um, a clickbait fucking whatever the hell you call the meme or the, the, the, the fucking vine, you know, we put both the presidential candidates

in a Hitler mask, a Hitler mustache. Why can't I talk this morning? A Hitler mustache. The results may surprise you and just, you know, whoever you're for, you just make the other person. I guess I don't, I don't know how you, I don't know how you bring that one home. You know, all you kids today, all you fucking internet superstars, you know, I went into a place the other day to get some lunch, a fucking salad with some chicken, right?

Desperately trying to fucking bring down the belly, you know, fucking moped dick. Yeah, that's what I look like right now. You know, shaved head, fucking ghost white body, you know, there's a lot of blubber on me right now. You know, if I was to swim in the ocean, my biggest fear would not be sharks. You know, it'd be some hipsters out there fucking whale hunting because they thought, you know, they were taking it back, right? Get fucking hapooned there.

Um, the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah. So I wanted to go get this fucking salad and I'm standing there and there's a guy in line wearing a fucking Versace robe, a gold Versace robe and slippers. So I text my wife going, there's a dude in here, you know, you want me to take a picture? You got to see this guy, right? So I fucking take a picture of the guy and she's like, oh my God, my friend knows that person.

He makes these vines, right? So then I clicked on his YouTube page and the guy's not whatever, Twitter page. The guy's fucking hilarious. And I'm just sitting there, this fucking guy, he doesn't need to be in a writer's room. He has his own fucking show and he gets to walk around in his bathrobe and slippers all day making cooking videos. God bless him. I don't know what the point of all this is.

I think the point of all this is I need to get back on elliptical soon so I don't have a fucking heart attack before I go to, uh, I'm gonna say the Middle East before I go to the fucking, um, go over to England. Uh, anyway, so yeah, I got to fucking knock this, I got to knock out this podcast and then I have, uh, I actually have some people coming over here because our kitchen's all fucked up, you know? What's wrong, Bill? What's wrong with the kitchen?

Oh, I don't know. Whether you put on the hot water or the cold water, the hot water still comes out, you know? Probably my fixed fucking nine times. You go to shut off the fucking hot water, the handle comes off, the cupboards are all falling apart, you know, everything else in the house is pretty much nice. I probably shouldn't even say that shit. So, um, I got, it's like the final fucking thing I have to do.

You know what I mean? Because I fixed up the rest of the house. I'm hoping it's the final fucking thing I have to do. But for the most part, I fixed up the rest of the house. And so now like the kitchen has become like this eyesore, you know, like if you bought a brand new suit and they had these old shitty shoes, you know, and people looked down and they were just like, you know what? I was gonna get in business with this guy, but what the fuck is with those shoes?

You, what are you fucking Willie Lohman there? You fucking Willie Lohman. Um, so that nightmare project is about ready to start. People coming over today with their ideas. I have an idea like what if we just took everything out and put new stuff in, in the exact same place except for a couple of things and it cost you fucking three zillion dollars. How about that? I could be rustic, yet modern, yet postmodern, but kind of art deco-ish, but doesn't compromise

the integrity of the structure. I'm signing up for that shit again. But you know what? You know, I think you probably put it into six weeks. In other words, in about nine months, I think it ought to be done breathing in a bunch of dust. I'll have fucking, um, coal miner's daughter lung, whatever the fuck they call it. I have no idea.

Um, we don't have any goddamn, um, I don't have any questions on this one, and I also don't have any advertising, you know, I will do some advertising here Tuesday night. I went back to the troubadour and I saw Wheeler Walker, Jr. right? You say it's over. Pack up your stuff. I'm something you've had enough, um, that guy, fuck you, bitch. You broke my heart. Fuck your friends, tearing us apart.

Fuck your dog. Hope he never comes home. I saw that guy fucking live, man. It was, what a fun fucking show. It was great. And the band's killer, the bass player actually plays in one of my favorite fucking bands, Truth and Salvage Company. He's on the road with them, had a killer band, and the dude comes out and Wheeler Walker,

Jr. he fucking murdered it. Absolutely fucking murdered it. Um, I didn't know what to expect when I went down there, you know, when somebody goes down there, they're doing funny songs, you're like, oh, I don't know what's going to happen here. Is this going to be like a one joke song, and then you're fucking like still standing there for another 45 minutes? It wasn't.

It was great. And he was fucking hilarious in between songs, his band are worth the crowd. What I'm saying is if you get a chance to see Wheeler Walker, Jr., if he's coming to a fucking club near you, theater near you, arena, fucking ampy theater, a carport, I don't know, I'm trying to think of every structure I can think of, definitely go out and see him. He's absolutely worth the money and, and the band sounds great. And he had another band open up in front of him, two ladies with guitars.

They were great. Just a fucking killer show. And I ran to a bunch of comics when I was there, I ran to Doug Benson and all these other guys. Look at me dropping names here, dropping fucking names. And I sat there in the back of the club, and I just drank water all night because I'm fucking fat. All right, I'm not going to lie to you.

I had one whiskey, you know, you got to have one, you know, even John Wayne would have one, you know, a 48 half a fucking cow that he barely cooked. Isn't that what happened to him? You know, that's what, you know what happened, all those guys back in the day, they just kept eating red meat. Cause back then it was all about, whoa, you know, why would I eat hamburger when I got steak at home? Right?

Isn't that what they said? Weren't they literally talking about food, considering what most of them died of? I know that was about their ladies. But anyways, back then, right, if you were like a guy's guy, you were eating steak. If you were fucking, if you were successful, it was considered the highest cut of fucking meat and all that. You didn't realize it was tearing apart your fucking guts. And back then there's no way you let another man fucking look in your ass to make sure

you weren't going to die of ass cancer. Right? There's no fucking way you could do that and then get on a horse and call yourself a cowboy. That's not what it was about. All right? You kept eating steak. And when you and your wife was done making the steak, you fucking wrapped it with the fine pan.

I said, clean it up. Right? Then you went over and you put butter on the steak and then that was it. And I think it was better for the environment back then. You know what I mean? Women were being beaten. So they were drinking themselves to death. So they died earlier and guys fucking ate themselves to death.

And you know, people got out of the way. And there was only like fucking a couple billion people on the planet. Now look at everybody. Everybody's doing yoga. Nobody's beating their wives. Right? Everybody's having a fucking salad. And now there's seven and a half billion people on the fucking planet.

You know? And I think it's high time that we go back to the way it was. You know? Oh, whatever. We'll let Hillary becomes president and at the end of a 48 year run, then it goes back to the fucking dark ages. We go back to a feudal system. The real one.

You know, where you're actually aware of what was happening rather than now where it's just bankers fucking silently sucking the life out of the fucking middle cloud. Oh, Jesus, Bill, you're going to get on a fucking, you know, fucking kills me. Bernie Sanders, arguably the scientist from Back to the Future fucking endorses Hillary Clinton. You know, can you fucking any of them? Can any of them just fucking have a point of view and just stick with it? They're always like, this is what I'm about.

You can vote for me because I'm about this. Right. And then the second all of a sudden they start taking on water or this or the thing that's working, speaking of water, do you know there's more shark attacks than ever and they're doing fucking stories about what should we do about this? It's like, well, you know, you could not swim in the ocean. You dumb cunt. There's plenty of fucking, there's plenty of lakes.

You know what I mean? You know, shit, fill up your bathtub, you know, make a day of it, you know, put a snorkel on it, stare at your balls, I mean, do whatever you got to do, but don't go in the fucking water. Right. Why do you think there's more shark attacks now? Well, two reasons. One, there's more fucking people and two, we're eating all the fucking fish.

So the menu's becoming more limited. You know, back in the day, shark could be like, oh, look at that fucking surfboard. Ah, you know, the fucking board gets between my teeth. It's not, that's tougher meat, you know, he's doing Pilates and that's, well, you know, look at that school of tuna, toro, toro, right? I'm going to go over there and fucking have some tuna. All those options aren't there anymore. And these people still go out there and they're boogie boards, right?

If you got on a boogie board, you're like a slider, like children, children on boogie boards. That's like a slider now for a fucking shark. And then you get to the, you get to the bigger people, you know, I'll tell you right now, how fat I am, there's no fucking way I would go out there. They think I was a fucking sea lion, an albino sea lion that got shunned by the rest of the herd. You know, is there anything worse than watching a fucking animal on one of those animal shows

getting shunned by the rest of the herd? You know, animals are like super fucking racist. I don't know what it is. The second somebody's a fucking albino, they show a little bit of weakness. I mean, they're really terrible people and you never hear Peter bring that up. I mean, sure, they sit there and they talk about how bad human beings are. Hey, you know, guilty is charged. You're looking at it.

I've, I've gone down to fucking Kentucky fried chicken. I've eaten their beakless chicken, you know, all walking around, roided up like McGuire and fucking Sosa falling on their fucking faces because people like the white meat more, you know, I've eaten that shit, guilty is fucking charged. But what they don't talk about is how those fucking chickens, if they were allowed to keep their beaks, you know, and not have chests so big that they fell down, they would be bullying the fucking weakest hen, you know, you don't deserve to have children, right? Just go over and they pecker to death and they never, you know, they go, oh, you know,

that's just how they are. You know, it's survival of the fittest and all that shit. And then all of a sudden human beings start doing it, right? Some fucking nerd gets thrown into a locker and all of a sudden it's this national fucking story. I think when human beings is going to turn around us the day we just admit that we're just a bunch of fucking animals, you know, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I just I have not looked at any news.

I don't know what this fucking Pokemon thing is about. Everybody's talking about it. I finally asked somebody at work. I know that there's like, I know it was a movie. I know kids were into it. I guess there's people running around with their phones trying to find the Pokemons to capture them in the middle of the fucking day. We were in the writer's room and these kids ran up to this dumpster and it was like a fucking

Wednesday afternoon. It's like, don't you have to go to work? Shouldn't you be somewhere right now? You know what I mean? You shouldn't be out there blaming your parents for something. I don't know. It's really making that Pokemon things really making me feel old. Everybody like is going around a lot of people going around doing it.

And then there's people watching people doing it. So it's like, they're not doing anything. And then you're watching them doing nothing. It's kind of fucking weird, right? It's like, I saw this thing the other day, you know on roller coasters now that some of the new roller coasters, they're having people get on the roller coaster and then you put on virtual reality glasses, right? And it's like, it's not enough to be on the roller coaster and then you got to be on the

put the glasses on and you go up the hill and then as you go over the top and you have that big drop, they make it feel as though you're falling off of a building or something. It's like, well, you know, you're kind of doing that in real life. Why don't you take them off and enjoy it? I don't know. You know what it is? It's all of us just slowly but surely working our way to robots, you know, having a robot mom and dad and these fucking, you know, I ran into some nerd the other day that was into

fucking robotics, believe it or not. He did this benefit for that tragedy there in Orlando, right? Do you guys remember that tragedy or has there been 52 more fucking shootings since then that people don't even remember it, right? So we did a benefit for that. And I'm standing out in the alley afterwards having a fucking cigar, right? And this kid comes up. I call him a kid.

That means he was like 26 years old and he was fucking talking about how he's into robotics and all this type of shit. And I was just like, why are you doing that? What the hell? No way. He wasn't into robotics. What the fuck was he into? It was into some shit that would just basically gather information on the user without the

person really knowing it. And it's just like, why are you doing that? You know, and he's got, well, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just kept hammering them with the questions and hammering them with the questions. And at the end of the day, the only way he could defend what he what he was doing was he basically said this. Well, you know, if I didn't do it, someone else would right there. That's the devil's.

That's the devil's song right there. Hi ho, hi ho. If I didn't do it, someone else would. It doesn't rhyme. Who gives a fuck? Hi ho. Let's go fucking do something evil. This might have been the worst song ever.

If you have to justify your fucking job by basically saying, you know, if I didn't do it, somebody else would. What jobs are those? Spying on people, dealing drugs, right? Fucking, I don't know what, shooting porno, dropping bombs. I mean, anytime the only way to justify your job is if I didn't do it, somebody else would. You know, I don't know. But these fucking assholes making these robots, man, they're making them too good.

I used to do a bit about it. You know, that basic, you know, I don't mind if you make the fucking thing super smart. Just don't have it be able to run like fucking Bo Jackson, which is what they're doing. Cause they keep trying to improve it and they're fucking competing with somebody else, some other companies fucking robot, and they're just making the thing into the $6 million man. It's like, guys, guys, you already stuck every fucking answer to any question ever in between its fucking non-existent metal fucking ears.

Well, I guess it has metal ears, non-existent human ears, and now you're going to be able to make it run a fucking 440, you know, like this, this thing knows the answers to everything. Right? You know, and it can make the fucking Seahawks secondary. That's, that's what the fuck you're building. And you don't think that that's going to come back and bite us in the ass. It knows the answer to everything. So it basically knows how to do open heart surgery and also how to load and fill the

and also how to load and fire an AK-47 flying F-68. I mean, it's limitless. Like, you remember those fucking action movies where like the fucking the hero of the movie, I don't care what kind of motor transportation, a fucking boat, a helicopter, a motorcycle, the space shuttle, this fucking guy knows how to use it. No pre-flight. You just start the fucking helicopter up, you yank the guts out of it. You know, I took a ride in a fucking A-star the other day and I, there's no, I wouldn't

be able to figure out how to fucking start that thing up. I got over, I got like 120 hours flying a Robinson 22. You stick me in an A-star. It's like, hey, kids, a little help. These fucking Rambo guys, these Steven Segal guys, these muscle from Brussels guys, Chuck Norris, right? Eddie D's in all of them. They just fucking ran up and could just do it and used to always laugh going, that's

fucking bull. Anybody, you know, if you had a boat, you'd just be like, well, what if we didn't know where the fucking keys were, just jumps right in the fucking keys are right there. And he knows exactly where the fucking throttle is. He doesn't have to look around and get his bearings like, Hey, this is this. That's that. He just fucking jumps in like it's his boat and it always makes you laugh going. Yeah, that would never happen in real life.

Well, guess what? In 2016, that's going to happen. These fucking robots, I don't know why they would be running away. And they're not going to be running away from us. They're going to be running after us. And, you know, if they get sick of fucking running, which why would they? They don't have a respiratory system. As long as they're charged up like a fucking Tesla, they're never going to stop.

But it doesn't make a difference. What mode of transportation? What weapon is nearby? That was another thing with those action heroes. Whatever fucking they, they pick up a goddamn garden and hoe. And all of a sudden they're spinning around like Bruce Lee. It's like, Jesus, were you in band? You went, you were a major at two.

You had time to fucking master all the martial arts. Learn how to use not only every mode of transportation, every fucking aberration of that fucking mode of transportation. Is that the right word? You know, every style of fucking boat. I don't give a fuck if it's sailing, if it's a submarine or a fucking cruise ship. You know how to get that fucking thing going and to dock it and tie it off all at the same fucking time, right?

These robots can do that, but at least Rambo, at least Rambo bled. He had to take time to fucking sew himself back up. These robots don't, if it bleeds, we can kill it. The fucking robots don't bleed. You know what I mean? And you know, these fucking nerds, you know, back in the day, you poured a Dixie cup of water on down their back, you know, and they didn't do like a person lift their shoulders up and go, all right.

They don't, they fucking short circuit out and then they fall down. So, you know what these nerds are doing? They're like, well, we can't have that, you know, the competition's robot. If you dump a little bit of water down its back, it shorts out and they goes fucking a zillion dollars worth of technology. You know that they're making, they're going to make these full fucking robots. They're going to make them be able to swim, right, do everything. It's going to be just like that fucking movie where that guy had all those fucking

lady robots and he was fucking them and shit, right? And then the one kid gets locked in the breezeway and he's screaming like, I thought you loved me and she just goes away with the expression. Let's look on her face. That's what they're going to do. I guarantee, I bet you right now, as I'm talking, somebody somewhere is fucking a robot, you know, it's got the lab coat on and shit. So he makes me feel like he's doing research.

And there's a bunch of other scientists watching them fucking the robot, right? And then afterwards he's going to give the feedback. Oh, no, you know what it is? It's, it's a fucking, it's probably just some regular person who has like hep C, but can't afford that $1,095 pill to get rid of it or somebody HIV positive. So they go, Hey, man, you want that fucking pill? You got to come in here and fuck this robot on film. Oh, this last thing I'll tell you, and I got to go to work.

Did you fucking see, uh, have you seen this evidently? I don't know if this is fucking true, but ever since then, evidently the pharmaceutical lobbyists, any states where weed is legal, they're going after, uh, the legalization of weed because any, any state where weed is legal, um, prescriptions go down. I don't know if this is true, but somebody told me it was and I never looked up any information. So I'm going to say it's true.

And I owe a big apology to all the fucking weed smokers out there. Evidently you were right. Um, so anyways, but I'm going to keep drinking. Too far down this fucking road. All right. I got to get out of here. I got to go to fucking work and knock out this last fucking one for Christ's sake. Um, that's the podcast you cunts.

I will talk to you on, uh, Thursday. I'll check in on you. All right. Go fuck yourselves and I'll see you Thursday. We're not scared to lose it all. Security got through the wall. You took three years. We have to realize a thousand skeptic hands won't keep us from the things we plan.

Unless we're clinging to the things we pride. And do you feel scared? But I won't stop and fall down. And if we're growing tired, it's going to make it better. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and, uh, this is the Monday morning podcast for the week of July 10th, 2008. Is it July 10th?

I have no idea. I just got off a plane coming back from, uh, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I flew US there. I sat in seat 18A and, um, there were, uh, two people about, oh, I don't know, 19 rows behind me talking really loudly. You know, those people, they, they laugh at everything that they say and they never say anything funny. Four hours of that shit, four fucking hours of that people just going, you know,

how many hours are left on the flight? I don't know, four and a half. They just start laughing. It was fucking killing me. It was, it was torture. Oh, flight. I ended up, you know, I ended up doing, I got a new battery from my, uh, made of wood laptop.

So I was able to watch good fellas. So I was able to drown her out for a, well, how long is good fellas, huh? So like two hours long or some shit. So I had that on and had good fellas on cranked as high as I could. You know, we did, but we wanted, we were wise guys. I had that fucking crank as high as I could to try to drown out this ridiculous group of people. I don't know.

I, you know what I mean? Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm so fucking miserable. You know, am I so miserable that I actually need something to be funny to laugh at? You know, I mean, I was sitting there. And the end of it, trying, you don't want to, they finally, you know, actually, I didn't watch the end of, end of good fellas.

I hate when he's, when he fucking becomes a druggy, you know what I mean? He just pisses me off, you know, and then, then he, then he feels like all, he feels like he's the victim, you know, 6,000 bucks for a life of work. He gives me six grand. You're like, he didn't fucking blow your brains out right there. He told you not to fuck with the drugs. The exact fucking thing he told you not to do. You went out, you did it.

And then he ends up going to jail and dying in jail. You piece of shit. I fucking hate, at the beginning of that movie is great. Right up through the was it, the Luenza fucking robbery. That movie is awesome. And then the second, the second he, he gets that coke whore and that flop house apartment and then he's got that retard with the attitude of the girl. They're the fucking baby sitter.

I got to get my hat. I don't know. I don't know. So anyway, that's what I was doing. I was fucking listening to that movie on 10 Janice Rossi is a whore. I had that fucking blast into my ears. One of my ears is ringing right now. I already have tonight is in one ear from playing drums years ago and fucking

it's going to be ringing even more because of these fucking idiots, man. I just, I don't know if there's anybody, you know, you got anybody who does that shit, they just, you know, they come walking up and you would be sitting and they're waiting for an elevator and they just go, Hey, how are you doing? You're like, good. They're like, good. You know, if you got anybody fucking who does that at work, just, just greatly leave a book on self-confidence in their little cubicle area, something, you

know what I mean? People either do that or they, or they, they hum songs. I think I already joked about that about 28 podcasts ago. But for those of you who are new to my podcast, I used to work with a guy. You ever work with someone who hums a tune that doesn't exist? You know what I mean? This guy used to walk around the office. All fucking day long.

And I used to be like, what the fuck's that's not a song, right? It's not a song. That's not like a song when I hummed it. Yeah, exactly. But that's a dead on rendition of his fucking, you know, it just, it went on forever. Like one of those progressive prog rock bands or Dave Matthews assignment concert fucking was terrible.

Somebody hooked me up with tickets and it was one of those, those bands that you get after fucking a song and a half. And then there's a black guy playing a fiddle, which is, which is weird. You know, I usually like random shit like that, you know, like seeing a fat Asian, you know, you just don't see that too often. You know, black guy playing a fiddle. You know, it should be like, should be, you know, isn't that, but you think that he would, he would do it the black guy way, you know, where all of a

sudden he teaches white people that a fiddle can actually be cool as opposed to some, you know, redneck instrument or, uh, well, I guess in classical music, it's cool, but you know what I mean? I mean, black people made happy birthdays, make a cool sound, you know, cool song. You think it's, you know, that's what I, that's when I saw a black guy with a fiddle. That's what I thought.

Okay. He's going to, he's going to break it down. I thought something was going to happen and he just was playing that skip to my loo, spin your partner round to the right, that, that style. I think the black guy who plays the saxophone in the Dave Matthews band, I bet he doesn't talk to the black guy who plays the fiddle. I bet he thinks he's a sellout. Just coming up to him every show.

You know, motherfucker, it's bad enough. You'd be playing a motherfucking violin. You'd be doing that shit every night for all these motherfucking white people. How do you think that makes me feel? It was the worst impression of a black saxophone player in a band that I don't like that I'll ever do, but I don't give a fuck. Or I just got off a goddamn plane. Tell me some slack.

I listen to people laugh. But you know, it's like a nightmare fucking comedy show. You know what I mean? We're all of a sudden it didn't, it didn't make sense anymore. Like you just said anything like, Hey, can I get up? I need to need to go to the bathroom. Yeah, okay. All right.

Anyways, let's get on with the podcast here. Uh, what do we got here? I'm, what am I going to do this week? I'm going to start with the questions now. Fuck that. I want to, I want to hype the shit first. First of all, I just got back from the improv in Pittsburgh. Unbelievable turnout and 99.9% of that has to go to the Jim and Randy show on WDV.

Those guys totally hooked me up. They let me come in on a Wednesday, on a Thursday and on a Friday. I did like nine hours of fucking radio with those guys, letting everybody know that I was going to be over at the stacks, the mall over there. And, uh, other than the fact that a couple people got shot and one was murdered, um, I think it was a good week over there at the mall. Yeah, that happened. One week, one night we were out drinking and, uh, all of a sudden we couldn't leave the mall

because somebody got shot and it's just fucking unbelievable. We're staying within a stone throw, you have a stone throw, no pun intended, a cold stone creamery. That's not supposed to happen, is it? When you, you know, when you see a fud ruckus, right? I just don't, I just don't associate that with violence. But anyways, I had a great week out there and I want to thank all the guys over at, uh, DVE for hooking me up and everybody who came out to see me.

Um, also, once again to remind you, I have a one hour special coming out on Comedy Central August 23rd. All right, set your T-votes six weeks ahead. For some reason, my fucking CD comes out before the special, which makes no sense to me, but I believe that's in stores on August 5th and then the DVD comes out, I think September 14th. I know it's bizarre. You guys are going to be sick of me by mid-September. But anyways, uh, please check it out.

I'm really proud of the special. We shot it ourselves. Uh, tell your friends to watch it. And, uh, whatever. Hopefully they become fans of what I do and then they show up at my shows. And someday I can afford to take a private jet or at the very least set up in first class where I can afford those Bose headset where I can drown out people if they fucking, uh, are laughing about shit that isn't funny.

All right, let's get on with the podcast questions. If you're new to my podcast, this is what I do every week. I babble, I bitch about people in airports. I answer questions. I riff about the Dave Matthews band and I hype my shit. Um, no, I don't, I don't riff about the Dave Matthews band. I don't even know any of their fucking songs. I just know, uh, I know Crash into you, yeah, baby.

Um, and then I come into you. He really is like disgusting lyrics when you really think about it. But he sings them, he sings them nicely. I don't like that little James Brown fucking jig he does either when he's sitting there with his acoustic guitar. I never really noticed how much I didn't like that band. You know what, I'm going to have to think about this. I'm going to get back, get, get, get back to you guys on this one.

Listen to me. I'm stuttering. I'm so fucking annoyed from that flight. Maybe I'm really just pissed at the people on the plane. And, uh, I'm taking it out on the Dave Matthews band. Misdirected anger. All right, let's get into the questions here, people. I got to make this one a quick one because I got a bunch of bullshit I got to do today.

And one of them is to fix my attitude. All right, question number one. Bill, I have a question for your podcast. Why don't you just ask it? Okay, that's like people go, let me tell you something. Said he's just fucking saying it. Actually, I think I do that. All right, I have a question for your podcast.

Being a comic from New York City, which coast do you think is best for stand-up comedy? First of all, I am not a comic from New York City. I'm a comic from Boston, Massachusetts, who then moved to New York City. Okay, uh, I, uh, what's the question? Which coast do I think is best for stand-up comedy? Oh Christ, I don't know. There you go. How's that for fucking a bad answer?

New York City, if you just want to become a great comic, there's nothing better than New York City. It's got like nine million clubs. You can do like 10 sets a night if you want, not 10. You could do 10. But I think realistically, you do seven or eight once you're in with all the clubs. At least you could back in a day. I just keep digressing with everything I'm saying.

So I would say New York was great. And then there's other, other cities that are good to start out in, which is, uh, Boston was great. Houston's always had a good scene. Denver, San Francisco, Seattle's a bunch of funny guys there. Minnesota's got a great scene. Um, yeah, you know what I mean? I worked in Atlanta. I don't know if you're funny, just get your shit together.

But I guess you're asking me, should you move to New York City or LA? Um, you, I would visit both places before you went out there because, uh, I don't know, New York City just felt like home when I went there. And when I went to LA, you know, the weather was great and everything was cool. But it was, uh, you know, I stood in the line for fucking nine hours to do a, uh, to sign up for a three minute spot at the Laugh Factory. And, uh, I had a fucking sunburn. I got there at nine in the morning for a sign up that was at six at night.

This is no bullshit, right? It's that right there on Sunset Avenue. I'm going to take you guys down memory lane. So I'm sitting there and, uh, I just remember there was these two fat chicks from fucking Utah or something that had really bad tattoos. I was third in line by nine in the morning. That's all I remember. And, uh, yeah, and then I wasn't down there with anybody else.

So I couldn't leave other than quickly to go take a bathroom break. Like there was literally a whole system. It was a fucking nightmare, right? Ended up getting a sunburn right on my huge forehead and, uh, went home after I signed up. At six, went back to the kids apartment where I was staying, showered really quickly, came back down and had to do three minutes of standup, which is practically impossible. You know what I mean?

That's like trying to finish a bowl of cereal in like two scoops, you know? So I went down there and I don't know how the fuck I did it, but I went on stage and I absolutely fucking destroyed for three minutes. I did a tight three minute set that had a beginning, a middle and an end, probably because I only had like a half hour of material. I knew I figured out how to do it. So I'm sitting there going like, oh man, I got off stage. I was like, that's it.

I'm in at this club. I'm going to get a manager. This is, you know, everything's going to happen. And then I went upstairs and I met the infamous Jamie Masada, who calls everybody body. So I'm sitting there and he had his table and I sit down at his table. I'm thinking, this guy's just going to kiss my ass. You know, I'm some young buck. I went up there and fucking destroyed.

I was better than, you know, the two fat chicks from Utah. This is it. It's over, right? So I sit down, you know, my ego's through the fucking roof and he's just like, I don't know, he sat there staring at me for a second. He had his hands together, like not enough fists, but sort of like he's doing the church and the steeple thing, except all his fingers are up. And he had his index fingers up on his mouth and he just goes, you're very funny.

And I was like, oh, thank you very much. I'm like, okay, here comes, here comes, here comes. He's going to have to manage me, right? And he's like, you know, you talk, you talk a lot about your father. Yeah, I go, yeah, yeah, you should do more. You should do more about your father. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, you know, I got a ton of stuff about my dad. I got some more stuff about my mom.

And as I'm saying that he holds his hand up to silence me, at which point I literally shut the fuck up and he just goes, your father. Let me ask you a question. How does it make you feel when your father yells and then he leaned back in his chair right? And it was like, I felt like he was going to give me the answer to all my stand up questions in the form of a riddle. And immediately I began grabbing the legs on the back of the chair because I was going to

smash it over his fucking head because I was so fucked. I was so pissed. I was like, I just fucking killed for three minutes. And now you're going to act like you're this stand up guru, you jackass. And that's exactly what he did. He didn't ask to manage me. He just gave me a riddle. How does it make you feel when your dad yells?

Jamie, I hope you're listening to this because I'm playing your club this week. How do you think it made me feel? Made me feel like a, made me feel sad. Is that what you wanted to hear? Jesus Christ, this guy came at me like one of those guys. You ever see those interviews when they interview somebody after like a tornado hit their house and killed their favorite dog, you know, and they're sitting there interviewing them and they want them to cry and they're not crying.

So then they got to ask, they got to sit there and ask them questions to try and make them fucking cry. I think that's what he was trying to do to me. So I literally was grabbing the back of the chair, the legs on the back. I distinctly remember doing that. And I was like, fuck this guy, fuck LA. I'm going to New York. That's how I ended up in New York.

One three minutes set after nine hours and a second degree sunburn on my forehead. I decided that the East Coast was the place I needed to be. You know what I mean? And, you know, it worked out well for me. You know what? You know what's funny? Somebody's probably going to fucking tell Jamie that I actually said that shit just so they can try to get a three minute audition on Tuesday.

So this week when I go down there, Jamie's going to be like, buddy, buddy, what are you doing, buddy? I actually love Jamie now, man. And I'm not kissing his ass either because I don't give a fuck. But he said the funniest shit to me like three weeks ago. I'm working at his club and I'm standing in the lobby and these two gorgeous girls, you know, LA, they're fucking gorgeous. So I'm looking at him, you know, eyes bugging out of my head. And Jamie's like, buddy, buddy, buddy, well, what are you doing, man?

Well, what do you mean? What am I doing? I go, I'm looking at the girls. He goes, yeah, buddy, but why are you looking at the girls? I go, because they're beautiful. I go, why wouldn't I be looking at the girls? And he goes, because you're a fag. I think I butchered that.

He said it even better. It was the fucking, he saw, he totally set me up son of a bitch. And if you live in LA, I'm going to be down there Tuesday night, Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night, all on the 10 o'clock show. And I'll be having a good time down there. All right. So there you go. See that?

I trust Jamie. Then I tell a funny story where he trashes me and then I hype his club. And then it's all good. Huh? Who the fuck's in the show business? I am. I know how to do it. I know how to escape the fucking line.

All right. So that's what I would do, son. I would, I would go to New York and LA and figure out which one you want to be in. All right. That's it. All right. Question number three. Have you ever had any thoughts about doing a European tour of your show?

Absolutely. I feel that I'm in the conspiracy theory. I feel like they're crashing the dollar. And all these corporations, they're all going global. So I'm going global with them. I'm not going to be caught flat footed with a pocket full of currency that isn't worth a goddamn peso. So I'm actually setting up a European tour for the beginning part of next year.

Or at some point in 2009, I should say, I want to get over to England, Sweden. I did some shit one time in the Netherlands. It's really disappointing when I went to Netherlands when I got off the plane. And the first thing I saw was like a fucking Dunkin Donuts. You know what I mean? And like a McDonald's. It just, it just really is, I understand why people find America so annoying. It's because the urban sprawl of our fucking corporations.

You know what I mean? I literally think that I could go to like fucking, let me pick, let me pick a fucking nice obscure country that I don't even know where it is on the map. Let me think of something. Oh, Bosnia. No, I know why that's fucking Eastern Europe. Bolivia. And it was one of those, ah, that's in South America.

Whatever. You go to fucking Bolivia. You think you're going to go down there and see that fucking, that guy from the t-shirt that everybody wears. Che Guevara, Gutierrez, whatever his name is, Valenzuela, that fucking guy. And you go down and you get off. And that's the first thing you see. Carl Sanders on a big bucket of fucking chicken.

I think that's what Hugo Chavez is, big fuck. I love that guy, man. That guy's the shit. You know what I mean? Those guys, they remind me like Tony Montana. That's what Hugo Chavez is. Hugo Chavez is taken on the U.S., knowing full well that we could fucking nuke him any time we wanted to. Talking shit about us at the U.N.

He's like in his early Tony Montana years, you know, before, Jesus Christ, is unannoying. He's in his early Tony Montana years, like right before, he gets the Cadillac with the leopard skin. You know what I mean? When he's still washing dishes with that fucking Robin Williams Hawaiian shirt, that's what Hugo Chavez is right now. All right, question number four, this is very, this little jet lag here, people, sorry. Let me fucking blow through these and I'll stop wasting your time. All right, question number four, oh god, this one has a backstory. Yesterday, I attempted to renew my Norton antivirus.

I was like, I want me to sing a song about Microsoft. I can't remix their songs, dude, unless they have a song. You know what I mean? You got to pick one. You got to pick a product that annoys you, that actually has a song and I will do a fucking puff daddy remix of it. That has the word continent and it'll make you feel better. All right, question number five, hey, Bill, here's a question. Have you ever had people bring their kids to your shows and I'm not talking 18 years old?

I mean like five years old, absolutely. I've had people bring babies and I've been in the middle of talking about something really, I don't know, evil, talking about going to a titty bar and now I hate that, you know, regular girls go to titty bars now, you know, because they kill the perverted vibe of the club. I was doing that bit, talking about how strip clubs are for whores only and that I can't feel comfortable leering at a stripper when I'm sitting next to them and I'm like, I'm leering at a stripper when I'm sitting next to Melissa, you know, doing that joke and all of a sudden I just hear this baby crying in the back and then it's, you know,

something that's even more awkward when they bring a kid that can speak, you know, when I just say a five years old or over, rather than having you guys picture mutes or something. Yeah, I've actually, I've had people bring kids. I'm trying to think. It hasn't happened in a while. There was actually a girl this week in Pittsburgh. She laughed like a little kid, so it was weird. She sounded like a little kid, so it was freaking all the comics out and then it turned out she wasn't a little kid, she was just an adult with a really annoying voice and then she came up to me afterwards and she had these huge titties and she was saying, come on down to plush, which is some strip club

in Pittsburgh. And she had that classic Anna Nicole Smith, I'm going to overdose in a hard rock cafe voice. So if she's listening, I hope you're still alive. He didn't OD. Did I ever tell you that story? I played the same hard rock cafe that fucking Anna Nicole Smith died in and I got to tell you something that's been there for three fucking days. I get it. I think she killed herself. I don't think it was an overdose. I think, you know, an accidental. I think she did it on purpose because that place sucks. All right, question number seven. Bill, I recently went to an open mic at my local comedy club for the first time just to watch the club, just to watch Jesus Christ. Nobody puts capital letters anymore. Well, punctuation. I just went right into the next

sentence. Bill, I recently went to open mic night at my local comedy club for the first time just to watch the club only has open mic night once a month, which is gay, but I can't do anything about it. Anyway, I figure most of the most of the commerce that got up would suck and bomb. Maybe a few would do okay, but there were about 14 and 13 of them ended up doing really well. This was discouraging to me because I figured most open mic is would suck, which would make me feel better about myself and my comedy. Comedy. Is this how open mic was for you? Please share your wisdom with me. All right, I'll share my stories. Wisdom's going a little too far. Yeah, that's what it's like. You go down there and there's people who are still doing open mics, but they're better than

being open micers at that point, but they still need the stage time and, you know, sometimes, you know, features and sometimes even a headliner might drop in. That's kind of how it is. And yeah, your first few open mics are lonely, but you just got to see the humor in it. Just go up there. The first time you do it, it's not even about doing well. You don't judge it whether you did good or bad. The first time you go on stage is just all about having the balls to go up there when they call your name, you know? And if you have the balls to go up there, then, you know, you got more balls than 95% of people in that situation. So just take that as a victory, tape your set, keep it, you know, lock it away and it's safe. And then someday when you're good

at it, you can take it out and just laugh your ass off at the shit that you attempted. I wish I taped my first one. I didn't. I mean, just to make you feel better, I was supposed to do five minutes. I think I did about three. I walked up there and the second I saw the microphone, I forgot everything I was going to say. And I started in the middle of the shit that I wanted to say and then brought it back around to the front. Kind of, I followed the same pattern of pulp fiction. You know what I mean? Well, they start with that, oh, you motherfuckers, get on the ground on that bullshit. And then he goes to the beginning and then fucking you end up seeing that scene. Oh, like good fellas, same fucking thing. That's how, that's how my first standup set went,

except unlike those awesome movies, mine was terrible. So just picture if they, what was that? The happening. If M Night Shyamalanma Ding Dong made that fucking movie the way they made pulp fiction that, you know, that's the way my, I'm trying to tell you my first set sucks. So don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Just go up there and this, again, you got to find the humor in bombing. There's nothing funnier than bombing. It's fucking hilarious. It's just something undeniably funny about standing in front of a room full of people and just putting it out there, especially if you're high energy and you end your joke fucking and everybody's just fucking staring at you. You just, there's no other way to describe what a

fucking tool you feel like, but everybody's been there. You know, bring some water up there. You're going to get dry mouth. All right. Just do it, man. It's, you know, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. Fuck it. All right. Last question. All right. This is actually a story, which I actually find really interesting. Okay. Hey, Bill, I don't know what the fuck happened in my email last week. All right. Here we go. Okay. Auto, auto damage related. This is a real fucking long one. Let me try to get it to the meat of this thing. Okay. This is an auto damage related story. All right. I must preface this story with the fact that I find it very difficult to contain my temper already. I like this story with even, I really difficult to contain my temper

with even the most meaningless shit such as stubbing my toe or getting cut off while driving. Anyways, when something of actual meaning happens to me, having something of mind stolen, let's say, I really lose my shit. All right. A few months ago, I had an expensive set of knives missing from my kitchen and I flew into a rage. Through deductive reasoning, I concluded it must have been stolen by one of two people. Now listen to the descriptions. You can guess where this story is going. It was either A, the sketchy Jewish kid who lived upstairs, or B, the Mexican repairman who still had a key since I just moved in. Well, the reasoning part of my temper tantrum was taking place. A few racial slurs may have

slipped out. And as one may deduce, a temper tantrum is often accompanied by loud screaming. Oh, that's great, dude. Okay. The screaming is most often followed by regret, usually concluding with embarrassment. Anyhow, the following day, I went out to my car, which was parked out front, to gather some belongings in the trunk. When I got to my car, I noticed that some thoughtful neighbor who obviously heard my screaming the day before notched a large swastika in the center rear of my car. After a few moments of careful contemplation, I laughed and decided to keep it there for shameful posterity. The swastika remains as a painful reminder for me to get a handle on my anger. The steak knives were never found. All right, you know what? I find that fucking

really to be an interesting story, because the guy actually, he seems like, you know, he's trying to improve himself as a person. You know, he knows he has a temper, and he knows what he did was wrong. And this is a question I have for you guys. If somebody flies and, because you know, they always say that, you know, I don't know, like your real thoughts come out in anger. I don't know if I like 100% believe that. I think when you get angry, sometimes it isn't like you have this deep seated hate. Sometimes you're just, you're just trying to hurt the other person, you know, like you get mad at some of you fucking cocksucker. I mean, do you really think that they're out there sucking dick? You know what I mean? But then you got the

other side is all of a sudden, once somebody goes into the, into actually, you know, racial slurs, that's like above and beyond. I don't know. I don't know about that one. That's what I'm asking. Is it, you know, like, if somebody gets mad at me, you fucking dick, like, I don't think that they really think I'm a dick. I think that they're mad at me and they called me a dick. Now there's, does anybody think that it's possible? Because this guy seemed like good dude. He left the swastika on it. He realized, all right, I'm a fucking asshole. And I got to, you know, keep my temper and check. Does anybody think is it possible? That's what I want to know. To lose your shit. And you start yelling racial slurs. And you still stick it in the same category

of like, I was just mad. It's he just calling, just calling, you know, I don't know. I don't fucking know. Well, you know what? Be thankful you're not famous. You know what I mean? You would end up like Kramer. You would have to go on. Actually, you wouldn't have to go on Al Sharpton show. You would have to go on Jesus Christ. Who's a Jewish guy with a bad perm? Is there a Mexican guy with a bad perm? You know, Al Sharpton would do a lot more for his credibility if he would really get rid of that pimp haircut. You know what I mean? I always felt he looked like Boss Hog. Like if they ever did like the black Boss Hog, you know what I mean? You know, that's like the hacky thing to do in Hollywood. Like once you're out of ideas, you

just take, you know, a sitcom like it's Alice, but it's black. And then it was, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about this point. Anyway, I got shit to do here. Okay, there's a long ass podcast as always. Once again, thanks to everybody who came out to my show in Pittsburgh. Man, I was fucking unbelievable. I couldn't, five times a day, I was only like 18 people, so I really appreciate it. And I got the comedy works coming up in Denver, July 31st through August 2nd, I believe. I don't have my calendar in front of me right now. And also, I'm going to be at the improv in Miami in the middle of August. And that said, I'll be adding some more dates today. I think I got a month's straight of dates. One is in Stress Factory,

New Jersey. I think I'm doing UMass Amherst with Charlie Murphy. And I think that's about it. But anyways, everybody, thanks for listening to these podcasts. I also got a new video I'm going to be putting up on YouTube. I had a new video last week, if you missed last week's podcast, it's right underneath the podcast thing. It's entitled Thank You, because this is what that lady was yelling at me after every fucking punchline. And I'll be adding another one. It's going to stop putting random shit up from shows that I do. People seem to enjoy it and it's a way to make you laugh, show you some new stand up without burning any bits. So that's it. Once again, thanks to everybody who listens to these podcasts. And please remember to watch my special

on August 23rd on Comedy Central. All right, that's it. You guys have a good week. Take it easy. Oh, finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help. Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications? Understanding this may help reduce medication trial and error. Gene site is a genetic test that analyzes variations in DNA. It shows how genes may affect someone's metabolism or response to medications commonly prescribed to treat depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. Visit gene site.com for more information.