Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-14-22

Episode Date: July 14, 2022

Bill rambles about accidentally cursing someone out, progressive metal, and getting rated a '4' by your wife.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Sorry. How's it going? How are you? How's your week going? Is it all right? That's good. Oh, man. Yesterday, my life was like the tail. You know what it was? It was the balance of the universe. I just had like a great morning, and then the end of the day just ended up being totally fucked up. Like, listen to this shit. Last night, I go down to Lago, and I do a spot, and I'm not going to lie to you. I was up there. I was being an idiot, but like, you know, a lovable idiot, just saying dumb shit, right? I was up there. I was talking

about, you know, fucking whatever you want to talk about. I was talking about it, and I was being a fucking idiot. So the show ends, and a buddy of mine, and a woman that he knows they were there, so we hung out, and we shot the shit for like 45 minutes, right? So I was like, oh, to leave. I come outside, I go out to the parking lot or whatever, and you know, somebody said, oh, there's a couple people waiting for you out there. So I figures, you know, fucking Star Wars fans, you know, somebody out there with like, you know, Princess Leia dress or some shit. I don't know what the fuck it's gonna have. So I walk out there, and I just see two regular people. So I figured they wanted a picture.

So I go, hey, how you doing? Did you enjoy the show? And the woman bows her head, and she goes, I didn't. And I just go, well, guess what? I don't give a fuck. I go, Jesus Christ, there was eight other fucking people on the fucking show. I'm so sick of this fucking bullshit. Just, you know, the whole fucking world's going to hell. You're gonna get mad about a comedy show. What are you fucking standing there for 45? I'm walking in my car doing this. What are we having a fucking exit interview? I get in the car, and I drive away, and she's still standing there with a giant boyfriend. And I'm thinking like, she's gonna throw something in my car with him. And I drove away. I was like, what the fuck was that? Jesus fucking Christ, right? So

somebody works down there, calls me up. He goes, yeah, listen, I think you had a misunderstanding last night with an audience member. She said you missed her. I guess I am so fucking embarrassed. I think when I said, did you enjoy the show? She said, I did. But I fly helicopters and play drums. And I heard I didn't. And then I just fucking cursed around. I left. I am so fucking embarrassed. Or maybe because I heard she was the one that shushed the drunk in the crowd. And when she shushed, it was really quiet in the crowd. So it was a joke. I'm like, why are you shushing? They can't get any fucking quieter in here. I'm eating my red balls up here, right? So maybe she said I didn't. And she was gonna say because

there was some drunk guy who wouldn't shut up next to me. I just like, yeah, so we're tracking her down. Oh my god. I mean, this is like a bad sitcom episode. You know, I thought you said left, I went, wow, it's zany. So I mean, how do you make up for that? I'm gonna have to go over her house and fucking man the grill at a cookout. You know, is that that hack from Comedy Central? Yes, it is. What's he doing? You know him? No. He just told me to go fuck myself after a show when I was hanging out to ask if I could get a picture. Why would he do that? Because he can't hear anymore. So my apologies to that woman and her giant boyfriend who should have fucking body slamming on the hood of my car. Yeah, so that happened. But the beginning of the day was great.

People, I'm going to track her down. I'm gonna find her. I still remember what she looks like, even though she had a mask on, I still know what she looks like. Oh my god. My buddy who also plays drums, he heard it the same way. So we were just fucking going off on her, talking on the phone the whole ride home. He goes, what the fuck did these people expect? Too fucking deaf guys. Walk out of a club. She bowed her head. Like I thought she was going into that you hurt my feelings thing that I'm just, you know, I mean, I don't know. It's like, I'm fucking sitting here. I'm looking outside and all the trees are all turning like brown really quickly. And the weather that's going on like these

fucking weathermen like I don't know like what kind of drugs are they on? As they're doing the weather and they're not literally screaming at the fucking camera going, guys, what are we doing? Stay home today or somewhat we got to solve this global warming thing. I mean, like tomorrow today, I guess when this podcast comes out, it's going to be like dangerously hot in so much parts of the country, right? And that's what my thought goes when someone complains about like a comedians act. You know, I was at the gym today, right? And on every TV screen, they have CNN on. And I'm just sitting there going like, I'm trying to get away from this shit. And for like, I'm doing my Hindu squats,

shown to me by Andrew Thamelis. I'm up to three sets of 25, get really winded. Feel good about it though, right? Now everybody's Googling Hindu squats. In the background, they're showing footage of the armed SWAT team that came in to stop some school shooter. And they go, this is going to be graphic just to let you know if you're really sensitive. And the sound was down, but everything you could hear the screaming children in the background. And I was just looking at it going like, what the fuck? What does this do for anybody other than try to get another psycho out there to do some shit like that? And then secondly, they're actually making money showing that fucking footage. It's the

worst fucking thing in the fucking world, those 24 hour news networks, whether they wear red ties or blue ties. And that shit is fine, right? No one gives a fuck about that. But I go down and do one bit about fucking X, Y and Z. And all of a sudden I got somebody standing in an alley that I miss hard. Anyway, I will not rest until I find that woman and apologize to her face. I feel so fucking horrible about that. Hopefully you're listening. I apologize. I thought you said I didn't. You know, and I'm not going to lie to you, you were a white chick. So I was like, oh, here we go. Here we go. Oh, fucking, you know, old Kathy cul-de-sac is going to come here with their fucking feelings and I'm going to have to listen to this bullshit. You know, I mean, I said

a lot of, you know, take it back. I mean, I went pretty hard last night. You know, but I was being an idiot. All right, what did I talk about last night? You know what you talked about. Anyway, but my new standoff special, Bill Burr live at Red Rocks, directed by Mike Binder, came out yesterday, two days ago, if you're listening to this on Thursday, I guess you will because that's when it's going to be posted. And evidently, it's it's it's doing great. I'm very excited. And I want to thank everybody for watching. And I also got nominated for an Emmy. So thank you to Tyler Falbo, the Roku network, and everybody go out and watch a moral compass. I don't know why I got nominated because I'm going to tell you right now, Al Madrigal

and Vince Vaughn with Bobby Lee. I mean, for my money, you know, that's where it's at on that thing. So who knows? Maybe because I was wearing a wig. I really reached deep down for that character. So anyways, thank you to the brilliant Tyler Falbo and everybody else that worked on everybody over at C Mike Bertolina, everybody that worked on that thing and Roku for picking it up when Quibi went under. I really appreciate it. So there you go. So old freckles is going to go to an award show. And this time, I think I might actually be at the award show as opposed to when I was at the when I hosted the online segment of the Grammys. Jesus Christ, if you knew the amount of fucking money that I blew on that fucking suit just to

be on the internet, you know, maybe that's why I snapped at that woman. Yeah, maybe it was a little negative juju hanging around from the habit dash over there. Um, anyways, how about those Boston fucking Red Sox dropping the first two against the New York Yankees and coming back and winning the next two. In the first time this year, we didn't lose a series to an ALE's team. We only tied. I went on a bucks in that last game. Nick Pavetta was back. Nick Pavetta was back. And we had a day off. Then last night we played the Devil Race. We got them again tonight, Wednesday night to remind you once again that I'm recording this Wednesday afternoon. Chris Sale was back on the mound. He had his shit. He threw five shut out fucking innings.

All right. And then the Metallica guy came in for some reason. I can't remember his name. And we had a Keystone cop play. Jesus Christ. That wiry son of a bitch. He almost got hit twice last night. The second one took it right like the kidney. I don't know where he took it. I can't believe more pitchers don't get hit. 60 feet, six inches, throwing 90, 100 miles an hour at some fucking just jacked. Think about that. You're throwing an object 60.6 inches to fucking air and judge a modern day Paul Bunyan, meaning he's the same size as Paul Bunyan, except he has a fade where Paul Bunyan was more like, you know, had more of a bluto look. I actually, and whatever, so we fucking let three runs come in on that play. It was like he got hit in the back and then

the guy was running down the first. He ran over. He didn't even have his glove on. That's how hard he got hit. Like he, it's like he wiped out skiing, you know, when you start losing your equipment. Guy didn't have his glove. He gets up, picks up the ball. He fucking wings it over the first. The Frenchy fucking goes past him. One run scores. Frenchy throws it to home play. The fucking home catcher was looking over there. He looks back. Here comes the ball. It goes past him. The Metallica guys on the ground, you know, on the third baseline on his knees, you know, fucking praying to the metal gods. Another fucking run comes in and then another fucking guy slid and I forget who, you know, I think our right fielder was covering home at that point.

It was just, it was just a bad play and we were up two to nothing and we ended up losing three to two, but Chris Sale is back. I like it. I like our chances. He looked good. Chris Sale, by the way, am I nuts? He kind of looks like Tom Brady after the tour to France. You know, when they start losing so many calories, like they, they just can't eat enough calories and the body starts consuming itself, which is the way it was described to me. He does. He looks like if Tom Brady, like, like didn't eat any meat or something, you know, like Tom Brady is like ridiculously in shape for his age or any age, like ridiculous. He still has like, you know, like that torso you had in like high school. You know, fuck, you should see me right

now. Jesus Christ, dude, I literally look like I had a C section. I kind of do because I had a ruptured appendix back in the day and they didn't know what was wrong with me. So they did exploratory surgery. So like it hurts right about here. Let's start digging. You know, it was the fucking 80s. So it was 1980. So it was almost 1970 surgery. So you know, you can see the, you can see the surgeons work, but I lived. God damn it. I did live. So anyway, we're trying to get another one back from the, we're trying to get one back from the double race tonight. I don't know who's on the mound. I don't know who shot. I don't know who's not. But I do know I found my Red Sox hat. I bought a nice Red Sox fitted

seven and three eighths for my big fucking head and I could not find the fucking thing. And I didn't realize I had done a TV show and they gave me a gift bag and I put it in there. I did Jimmy Kimmel, who by the way, for my money, softest merch in the business. I don't mean soft like it's weak. I mean soft like, like, like you could put on the merch and take a nap immediately. The fucking hooded sweatshirt, the t-shirt, it is just like it's baby soft. I don't know what, I don't know who makes those fucking t-shirts and hooded sweatshirts, but I'm telling you, put together five minutes of material, do it on Jimmy Kimmel show, get the gift bag and tell me that I'm lying. All right.

So anyways, that was my day. Oh my god. I am like fucking mortified about that interaction I had with that woman. I gotta, I gotta fucking make that right. I'm gonna make it right. All right. I'm gonna find, I'm gonna find this person. This is like a Tom Hanks movie, isn't it? You know, it's like a sleepless in Seattle, but it was a shitting on him and fucking Seattle accidentally shitting on him. It's gotta be alliteration. Is that why they never did a sequel to sleepless in Seattle? Married in Minnesota, married in Minneapolis, divorced in Denver. They could have kept going with that. No one wants to see Tom Hanks get divorced, not Tom and Meg. How about domestic, domestic violence in Vancouver?

We're gonna do a reboot. All right. You know, I didn't have my reads from people and for the Monday morning podcast, so I'm gonna read them here. I might go a little bit over. All right. This is fan mail from Argentina. How fucking cool is that? Which by the way, unbelievable sports fans and unbelievable, like when AC DC and all those guys, all the bands I like, when they go down to South America, it always makes me feel embarrassed at my behavior at a concert. Like I thought I was fucking into band. Like the whole place is just going crazy. Incredible, incredible fans. All right. I remember seeing like whatever that AC DC one concert film is when they're down in South America and they're panning through the crowd of people

standing outside waiting to get in and there's like women in tears. Like they're gonna go see a boy band and they're like, this band changed my life. I'm like, these people fucking rule. So listen to this nickname here. Oh, Hola Bill El Paladito Rojito. El Paladito Rojito. Bill the Red Baldi. I mean, tell me that's not my name coming out of the bullpen. Tell me I'm also not giving up six runs and getting shit thrown at me as I walked to the dugout, making no eye contact with the home crowd. It was El Duque and now you got, you know, El Guapo. Now you got El Paladito Rojito. I like that, man. I don't give a fuck if it's insulting. I know what I look like. I'll take it. Anyway, I'm a 24 year old man from Argentina,

Latino America. That's everything south from Mexico. Don't worry, I'm bad at geography too. That's T-O-O, not T-O. Anytime it's also is T-O-O. Wish my voice text would understand that. Just checking in on ya. To tell you thanks for doing what you do. I love to hear your podcast while I work out at home. I'm into calisthenics since almost two years, like you used to be. I know. I like it. Fat shame me. I enjoy this. You started to be someone important to me after hearing about the changes you went through in your way to becoming a father. My father was an angry person that fixed everything with screams and slaps. Yeah, that's the way it was done back then. Men didn't know any better. He goes,

any left when I was 14 or Catorce is the guy from U2 would say. My mother wasn't any better since she never did anything to defend me and my mother and just jumped the wagon into another relationship a couple of months after my father left. She used to threaten me with, she used to threaten me, kick me out of the house. Oh, threaten me with kicking me out of the house if I didn't accept it, her new boyfriend. So I escaped. So I escaped to my grandmother's house who has a few mental issues. Jesus, dude. All right, you got to break the, you got to break what they call it, break the fucking, the curse or something. Things are pretty grim for me, but I started investing the money that my father was obligated to send me after the divorce two years ago and

started to learn programming a year ago. Best case scenario, I can get a job at the end of the year and get independent. That's fucking great. I'm at the four year of a five years of college studying psychology too. That's awesome. Dude, your revenge is, you don't even need revenge because that's a, that's a dark energy. Just let that shit go. Move forward and just be like, I am not doing that. I'm not doing that and then talk to somebody about it and you know, do whatever you need to do. Your journey from a red angry bald guy to a little less angry still red dad. This person's funny, man. In a second language too, that is not easy. Gave me the push that I needed to think that maybe I could be a good father in the future too.

Oh, look at dear Billy. They help for boy over here. He writes, I will look like to say a lot of more things to you, but this is getting long and I know how you get with the long readings. So I'll make it in the form of a list. Sorry if my English is bad. It's my second language. You did great, man. Number two, I love your acting. It comes out really natural. That's because I'm full of shit. Number three, I think you are so powerful for surpassing all the challenges life throws at you. Oh, I don't know if I did that, but I appreciate it. You are inspiring. Bill, read it like a white woman that liked to be offended on behalf of us. Okay. I think you are so powerful for surpassing all the challenges life throws at you. You are inspiring. And lastly, go fuck yourself or, oh,

here it is. This is how you say it in his country. I hope I do this right. And that day, a la puta KT pario. And that day, a la puta KT pario. KT pario. You got to like, you know, you tell somebody to go fuck yourself. You get me like, go fuck yourself. You got to get it out. And that day, a la puta KT pario. Motherfucker. All right. Thank you for the email. I appreciate it. You got a good sense of humor. I know you went through a lot of shit, but you got a good outlook on life and you seem like you're smart with money. You're funny. All right. So you're going to have a nice beautiful wife and then just treat her right. And, you know, when you act like an asshole, just apologize. When they say what's going on with you, just say, I don't know, I need help.

And then accept the help and then hopefully you turn things around. You know, I don't know. That's all I've learned so far. 54 years. All right. Coffee, cunt culture. Dear Billy coffee cans. Excellent to hear that you are enjoying a coffee these days. I'm actually substance free better than all of you for a fucking week here. This will be eight days by the time you hear this. No cigars, no weed slash gummies and no coffee. Substance free. Maybe that's why I didn't hear that fucking woman correctly. Excellent to hear that you're enjoying coffee these days out of interest. Did you take your life in your hands and order a coffee while in France? I ordered a coffee. It was it was not good. But I don't know that I went to a good place.

I just ordered an espresso and it tasted like a Starbucks espresso where Starbucks just burns their beans. It's burnt bean coffee. It stinks. Anyway, I have recently returned to my hometown of Melbourne, Australia after living in Paris for 11 years. The Parisians turns me into a tea drinker. I found their coffee absolutely undrinkable. Oh, I didn't realize that. I would think the along the Mediterranean, you just think they know how to do anything with food. However, having returned home, I'm struggling to get past the level of coffee wankery that has blossomed here in my absence. I like a cappuccino, but no one orders that anymore. Too old fashioned. The worst is that they have invented a coffee drink that may be superior to the humble cappuccino, but I

can't bring myself to order it because of the pretentious name they gave it. The magic. Oh, I thought you were going to be upset that they draw like hearts on top of your cappuccino, but the magic. Oh, it's making me want a cappuccino right now. In any case, I'm surviving ordering a cappuccino like a vintage Italian and my local coffee pace will make me my own tweak version of the magic when I go in because I told them I thought it was too pretentious to order. Now, I am officially more pretentious than my own coffee order. I love Australians, man. You guys have great senses of humor, man. All right. Love your work, mate. Saw you in London at Royal Albert Hall for your 50th birthday show.

Would love to take my dad to see you, but you'll have to come back to Melbourne soon. He's 81 and loves your comedy and suffer the coffee culture here. Oh, from a lady. Oh, it was a lady. My fault. My fault. Women are hilarious down there, too. There, I'm progressive. Yeah, I haven't been there in so fucking long. Um, I had kids and then the fucking this COVID bullshit, I got to, I got to get back there, man. I really do. It really is just an incredible, incredible place, man. I have not been there, I think since like 2015, 16. Man, the years are flying by. All right. That's too depressing. All right. Prog metal. Hey, yo, Billy Bakescrod. Oh my God, you guys, I don't think I'll do this

podcast till the day I die. And I think you guys will still be coming up with fucking original ways to trash me. Bakescrod. I mean, that's like, do my whole body? Are we talking about my junk? I have no idea. Speaking of progressive prog rock, I'm loving that new porcupine tree, that closure slash continuation. At first, Harrodon was my, was my jam. Then I like rats return and now I'm into the herd culling might be my favorite, which by the way is an 11-4. Then nice enough to count it off in the beginning for you with that little fucking alarm clock. I just love how on every song, Gavin Harrison just has like this, he plays the initial groove

and then there's like the halftime version of it and it's like all these different fucking ways and you keep thinking the time changes. It's like, no, he's just approaching it differently or he's displacing the snare and all that. It's really wild. It took me back to the first time when I was trying to like, like the first guy I think that was really sort of doing that was probably Tony Williams doing that stuff on the ride symbol, that metric modulation. They literally didn't even have a name for it when Tony came around and started doing that shit and he was like 21 years old and all these years later, because of his genius, I get an album, whatever drummers got out of that, I get this album, which is really awesome, which is something that I do

love about music. All right, so here we go. There are thousands of prog metal bands out there and 99% of them are just ripoffs of the genre's pioneers. Okay, Cynic, Death and Meshuggah. I heard Meshuggah's got a killer new album and I have so many albums I'm trying to get through right now that I just know Meshuggah is just going to be like, you download a Meshuggah album and you're just in the bubble for like three months, just walking around. I was like, what was my life before this fucking album came out? This is unbelievable. So I'm going to get the new Meshuggah. I think I'm going to download that. I think right in the beginning of August, I got running dates out there. I'm just going to be listening to that shit. Anyway, you already know

Meshuggah, so I won't say much other than to recommend diving deeper into the funkiness and danceability of their music. There should be conga lines at their show. Check out the song. I mean, that's like a high, high level of listening to their music because I know when I play it around my wife, she looks at me like I just turned on a jet airplane. Check out the song Phantoms from their new album. It's a chugging little freight train of a song in deceptively complex drums and a nasty s breakdown at the end. All right, I'm in. Fuck it. I'm downloading it now. I can't wait till August and stay away from other bands that sound like Meshuggah. None of them even come close and they're like driving a Plymouth neon after owning a Lamborghini. All right, I'm going to say this

person is in deep. He's in deep with this shit and I'm believing what they're saying. Check out the band Cynic, especially the album Focus, which came out in 1993. Fucking album's over 30 years old and I don't know shit about it. Unreal. They were the first band to successfully mix Jazz Fusion into technical metal and that album is truly unique. The drummer Sean Reinhart set the bar extremely high on that record and influenced every prog metal drummer since. I got one for you. I got one for you before I continue reading this and this one like blew my fucking mind. I don't even know where to begin with everybody talking about prog rock and all that stuff. Um, what is it? Where is it? Oh, look up Ivo Papasov on night music. IVO, P-A-P-A-S-O-V. So IVO is

the first name and then P and then Papa S-O-V, Papa Sov on night music. I don't even know what's going on. This is, they're like, it's like Pete Fountain listen to Musuga is the only way to describe it and I don't have no idea what they're doing, where the one is right after they start playing. I have no idea what's going on. It's insane. It's like, uh, I don't know. You like Flight of the Bumblebee? Just imagine if that went through, uh, it's beyond prog rock. Um, I don't know. I mean, it's like insects making music. Anyway, they were the first band to successfully move. Finally, give a listen to the album Symbolic by the band Death, which came out in 1995. Great riff after great riff of technical but accessible and progressive death metal with another one of

the greatest drummers in metal, Gene Hoglin. I really wanted it to be Hooligan. Hoglin, H-O-G-L-A-N. The vocals are screened, but you can actually understand what the guy is saying and the drumming is guaranteed to blow your way. With these three unique and pioneering bands, you have the best prog metal to enjoy. And like I said, everyone else is just struggling to top with those guys we're doing 30 years ago. All right. Okay. Now I don't know. Now that, that, that, that in the end, like how old are you? Cause I want to know how old you are cause you might, the bands I listen to were the fucking best. You know what I mean? People are still trying to top Motley Crue in my world, man. Like, you know, I'm an, I'm an eighties metal guy. So I still, as much as I like grunge,

I still kind of look at them like you mother fuckers, knocking all my bands off the MTV countdown. You sons of bitches with your sad fucking music. Um, and then there's Soundgarden and then there's Allison chains. I mean, that's just fucking amazing. All right. All right. Metal band. What's up, Bill Freckle, fuck Burr. Uh, that was meat and potatoes. Just that was a straight fucking right. No mitt in the face. Just to let me know the fight has started. Uh, you were asking for new bands you wanted to listen to. You should check out, you should listen to the Black Dahlia murder and check out their song for verminous. They're considered death metal, but honestly, their guitars and bass are just all melodically based just all melodically. Just make me think

of classical music, but with distortion. Haha. Their whole discography is great. But the last album was really great. Thanks and go fuck yourself or I'm checking all of this shit out. All right. My wife rated me a four out of 10. Wow. Okay. I'll tell you what, I give her a nine for honesty. Um, dear Billy the Baker bitch, I am a 26 year old grad student and been married for nearly four years already. You guys got married young, huh? My wife is around the same age as me and we met in Columbia where I was working over the summer. She's one of those thick, tall and tan Latina girls that drive any man crazy. And believe me, I fell for it. Life was good for a while, but recently we definitely hit a rough

patch. Uh, so this past weekend I came home from a trip to Texas and for whatever reason, I needed to use her phone. When I opened it, what do you know? It opens to a list of dudes with my name included. I started looking and I'm seeing 10, 10, 8.5, zero, et cetera. And then boom, I see my name with a pathetic four. Wow. The kicker, when I confronted her about this, she's like, it's not a big deal. It's just a list of me and my friends. We're talking about last night about our previous sex partners. Wow. Like that's going to make it better. So there I am married to a woman who thinks I'm a four in bed. Not sure where to go from here with the relationship. Yeah, I do. Don't have a kid with her until you figure out what the fuck all that means. Uh, to point

out, I'm no fucking bum. I'm in great physical shape. I've never had a problem with the ladies. I've got a good job. I'm one of those non hero army guys and I've always been good to her. I'm not opposed to ending it, but I don't want to be a baby about some juvenile list. What do you think? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Uh, I think you love her too much to see the forest through the trees, dude. That's, I mean, what, what are we doing here? Um, for her to say that's no big deal. I think that's the tip of the iceberg. Uh, unfortunately, I'd ask her to explain it a little better than it's no big deal, but, um, on the outside looking in, uh, that's not going to end well. All right. That's just my opinion. I am not a professional therapist, but that is not going

to fucking end well. And, uh, yeah, I would leave it at that and also fuck that number. You know, don't let it, you know, this is the deal. She probably thinks you're more of a six or a seven. It's just what wives do. It's their job to always knock you down a few numbers so you don't feel too good about yourself. So you won't go out and attract another woman. They don't want you walking out the door feeling. I just do a bit about that. They want you walking out the door confident enough that you still go out to make the donuts, but not confident enough that you're actually attracting, you know, women to you. So they got to mind fuck you a little bit. Wow. All right. Stamps.com. Um, you know, it'd be funny if you do break up with her. You should go,

I think you should go with this guy here, you know, maybe an eight, five. Can't go with the guy that's like a 10 though. Cause you know, if he's a 10, I mean, that guy's obviously going to be fucking banging somebody else. Go with the eight, five. You know, what are you crying for? You're upgrading by four and a half. You want to be riding back here and coach with my dick. Go up there to business class. All right. Stamps.com. Um, and also the fact that you said to your, uh, what'd you say? Uh, I'm not opposed to ending it. So I think you kind of know that you need to end it you know, you know, like, I love her to death. What can I do to keep her? You're like, I'm not opposed to ending it. So I would fucking end it. Um, you had a good time. You know, you had a tall,

gorgeous Columbia woman for a wife for four years and, uh, you know, it's, it's a great fucking story. Onward and upward, sir. Um, and thank you for your safe service. All right. Stamps.com. Uh, when you're running a small business, every second counts, you can't afford to waste a single moment. So why are you taking time out of your day to go to the post office when you could be using stamps.com instead. Stamps.com makes mailing and shipping quick, easy and cost effective. Stamps.com saves you time and money and stress. Sorry, I'm laughing thinking about that interaction with that woman last night and it's driving me fucking crazy. Uh, for more than 20 years, stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses

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just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. That is it. I'll talk to you on Monday. Go Red Sox and go fuck yourself. That shit. I don't have the fucking I got to type in the fucking password. Look how long this is going to take. I gotta get I gotta get my I gotta have this screen saver not be on. No, be. Yeah, not be on. All right. And here we go. And it's off and enjoy your weekend. Look what you're doing to me. I'm a jelly at your wimp. All of my defense is down. Your camera looks through me with its X-ray vision and all systems run the ground. All I can manage to push from my lips is a stream of absurdity. Every word I intended to speak winds up locked in a single tree.

No way to control it. It's totally automatic. Whenever I go around, I'm walking like holy completely automatic. All of my systems are down, down, down, down. What's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 14, 2014. Oh my God, you guys, where is this summer going? The wing. I can't wait for the winner. I like the winner. I enjoy it. Okay. I'm a pasty fuck. There's nothing. The summer offers nothing for me. Okay. Either I'm outside with that look on my face, you know, that little emoy joy, whatever the fuck you call it with got that look on his face, like it's going, you know, that, that face. What is it called? The emoji where it's like,

that's the look I have on my fucking face when I walk around between May and August. And, you know, I'm telling you right now, all those theories about what's going to kill off redheads, recessive genes, it's going to be global warming. That's what it's going to be. Because I got to tell you, if these summers get any harder, right? I've been in New York City right now. I got a benefit tonight and tomorrow out in Brooklyn. And, you know, it's a benefit, that type of shit. I'm going to be doing that out there. I don't know what it is. All right. I fucking just woke up and I got to knock this thing out because I got shit to do today. And I got to tell you, I haven't been here in New York in a while and it's been,

it's definitely been cool to be back here. But I got to tell you, this city just beats the shit out of you. I was returning this rental car this morning, you know, literally it was like fucking nine streets up and two blocks over. That took me a good 40 minutes. I was trying to find a gas station, right? I said to the lady in my phone, you know, where's the gas station? She's like, there's a gas station right down the street, right? So I follow her, I go all the way down there and there's a fucking, you know, I don't know, I don't know what they're doing. They're scrubbing out the gas tanks. So that thing screwed. So then I asked the lady again, she's like, there's over 15 right near you. So I click on the closest dot. I drive to that one. That one

takes me like another 15 minutes to get to. I get to that one. It's got a fence around it. And oh, it's red face going through the roof of this rental car. I did not handle it like an adult whatsoever. I just got stuck in like a big baby, big stoop. Like if they had like adult sized pacifiers, some of you should have just shoved one right in my mouth, slapped me on my fucking hand and said, hey, cool it. You know, like my dad used to, right? No pacifier. He always said cool it. Or he snapped really loud. Just like that. We all just stopped worrying that he's going to kick the shit out of us. And he never did never laid a hand on us. But how loud his snap was, you could only imagine his fucking fist. So you shut up, you shut the fuck up. Because back in the day,

when you could discipline kids, right, you could beat the shit out of them right in public and people would walk by. That would be it. So your father's threats were actually something serious. I'll tell you, this whole generation of kids, they're wide open for a fucking ass kicking the way they walk down the street with their faces in the phone. You could uppercut them right through their phone right into their face. It'd be lovely. And I think it would do this generation. They could do them a bit of good because I'm a crabby old guy. And I like the way things used to be. Anyways, so I'm walking down the street out here in New York and the amount of people of all ages just muttering to themselves. How am I going to make my rent? If I can roommate moved out,

I don't know what the fuck they're talking about, you know, do I got HPV, right? I don't know what they're bitching about. And I don't know if they're more crazier than other cities because I think what it is in this city, you can't hide in your fucking car. You know, out in LA, I can fucking be talking about running my goddamn yap. And somebody pulls up next to me and looks over at me, and I can seamlessly go from my own psycho chatter with myself to pretending I'm singing with the radio. Just singing to the radio that isn't on that fucking stupid journey song has been in my head for three days. And I hope it's now in yours, because I'm taking all you fuckers down with me. And the sun goes somewhere with the band. I've heard this song like a thousand times,

but I don't know the lyrics because it fucking sucks. How many of those bands are there out there where you're like a radio fan, like you know all the lyrics, like say Billy Joel. I don't own one album that that bug eyed psycho. Nia, you're giving me lots of laughs today, cracking up. Yeah. Do you know I used, I couldn't stand him back in the day, Nia, when he did that stupid the uptown girl song, making it seem like he was this badass from the wrong side of the tracks. Remember that? Like what is she doing with me? Oh, I'm a badass little bug eyed Jewish kid playing a piano. Keep him away from my children. And I was like, why is he acting like he's this maniac? And then 40 years later,

he's getting hammered driving his car through the front of people's houses. And I was like, you know what? I owe Billy Joel an apology. I owe apology. Not only was 100% wrong, I want to drink with that maniac. How much fun would he be to drink with? He could talk about what it was like to bang a supermodel and then just sit down and start playing some tunes. He's got all those songs in three, four time, which are great to sing when you're drunk. And we all go down together, right? Except for piano, man. That song, I never liked that song. Way people sway back and forth. And I said, man, what are you doing here?

Oh, shut up. It's like if Anthony Bourdain played the piano, you know, he's always trying to make his fucking going out to get a hot dog. So fucking artsy. And what's going on? What's going on with society? It's like, just shove whatever you're talking about in your face. So let me know if it's good. All right, Anthony. What are you doing? So anyways, yes, I'm here in New York chomping at the bit. I've wanted to do stand up the last couple of nights, but my wife won't let me. She says, Hey, you're going to go out and you're going to buy me some shoes, buddy. We haven't been into one single store. So fuck you. What are you talking about? No, I've just been a little bit lazy. I've been waking up every morning boo, boo, boo,

boo, boo, and I've been walking down the street. I've been, I've been going over the Brooklyn bridge every single day. That's been my workout. And then I find some scaffolding and I go, and I conk out at four and then I fucking dropped to the fucking ground and I turn around there's some cab driver laughing at me, right with his yellow stained white button down shirt that he's probably been wearing for the last 15 hours of his shift. Looking at me like, I would love to do some pull ups on scaffolding other than climb instead of climbing up there and actually working on it. We're talking about white privilege here today on the podcast. Everybody. Where one person sees slave labor, I see a gym. I see a free gym. Isn't that

terrible? He is just shaking her head. I thought you were getting out of here. I don't like your stylish running shoes. Why did you buy them? Because of the orange shoe laces? I like what that says about me. Yeah, you are. You look cute today. Yeah. Yeah. See, I did that and insulted the shit out of everybody and you end with something nice and then there you go. Please try not to drop things. All right, what are we going to talk about this week? This week. All right, let's let's get it over with. Shut up. Um, let's get this over with LeBron James went back to Cleveland. I'll tell you right now. I don't think I've ever been so fucking disappointed in a city. You know, like you remember when LeBron

left you the first time? Do you remember how devastated you were? Remember how you cried and you threw all his LeBron shit out in your front lawn? You lit it on fire like some chick that been cheated on. You remember that shit? Of course you do. It was only four years ago and I didn't I didn't judge you. There's no way that you knew what he was. But now you know. And what did you do? You let him back in. You got back into this relationship with him like Pamela Anderson back in the day getting back with Tommy Lee, right? Like he wasn't going to batting and banging the bang at the door like that wasn't going to fucking happen again. Jesus Christ. Fucking Cleveland. Do you really think that this guy's

going to stick around? How long do you think he's going to be there before you realize this? He's in Cleveland again and he's going to start checking out some of the other hot chicks around the league. Maybe Chicago. What about LA? Are they done? Have they hoarded them out themselves out enough that their franchise twat is just hanging down their ankles that nobody... Jesus Bill. Nobody wants to go out there anymore? I don't know. Hey Bill, what are you coming down on Cleveland for? We haven't won a championship forever. Fuck you, Cleveland. You bunch of fucking babies. Jesus fucking Christ. Who's been giving you shit? Nobody. Nobody chanced the fucking year. 1948. Nobody does. You don't have any curse. You don't have anything. All right? All you had to do

was build art a fucking stadium, but you wouldn't do it. You wouldn't build a football stadium, but you built a fucking rock and roll hall of fame so they could hang Britney Spears jumpsuit next to Mick Jaggers. These are your priorities. And as a sports fan, I'm supposed to feel bad for you. My heart's supposed to warm when this guy who cheated on you with the Miami Heat went down there and he got the fucking professional herpes, right? Now he's coming back to give it to you when you're dropping to your fucking knees, taking your fucking burned up LeBron Jersey out of your little waste paper basket, whatever the fuck you have next to your desk. I'm fucking with you guys. Hey, I'm happy for you. He came back. I hope you guys win a championship. As long as the Lakers don't win,

I'm happy. I'm excited. Because I don't like how, you know, I've talked about it before, while they claim one more championship than they should. Who's getting who? I know they're passing the Celtics. Nobody wants to come play for the Celtics. It's fucking, it kills me. You know? Part of it isn't our problem. It's the weather. All right? This is the, okay, look, you look at the NBA. What is it? Like 91% African American? Okay. So it usually comes down to where do you want to play? So let's say the Celtics are bidding on the same free agent as the Lakers, right? So these are the options. I think I've said this before. They're option. You want to come to Boston where it's cold and the racism is off the charts? Or would you like to play in LA where it's warm?

This, this, this celebrity asked to bang and the racism is off the charts. Either way, you're not going to like the police force, you know? But the weather's nice. I mean, we can't, we can't compete with that. It's fucking over. I'm just fucking with you Cleveland guys. And by the way, I'm sick of every fucking thing being described as a rant. Do you know last week, I was, I was just talking about the DJ scene in Vegas, just talking about it. But the thing now is if you, if you talk about something for like more than like two minutes, all of a sudden it's, it's called a rant. Like to me, isn't rant like short for ranting and raving. So I should have been like, these fucking DJs, they got their turntables. I mean, that, that is ranting, right? We just

fucking talking about something. I don't, I've never looked the word up, but ranting and also heckling, those are the two things that drive me nuts. When they say the comedian heckled the crowd, the comedian cannot heckle the crowd. The crowd is not giving a performance that can be interrupted. Do you understand that? Jesus. Anyways, so what else, what else happened in, so anyways, he's back. LeBron James is back in Cleveland. You know, it's funny. I thought was hilarious was in Miami. They had a picture of the big three and somebody like spray painted over LeBron's face. It's like, oh fuck yourself. You know what I mean? He was never yours. How did you get the guy? I hate when fans do that. That was like when Celtics fans were mad when Ray Allen went down to

the fucking heat. It's like he wasn't ours. He wasn't ours. All right. He came in. He came, we got him off the meat market. You can't expect the guy not to do that again. The guy is the supersonic. Okay. Who's closing out his career with the Celtics in the heat. If he hasn't already retired, you can't get mad about that. All right. What the fuck kind of heat fan fucking paints over LeBron's face? The guy brought you to the finals four years in a row and you won two championships. What's the problem? I could see if Dwayne Wade left. Why am I talking about this sport? I know nothing about this. To fucking annoy you guys. How about that? All right. The United States rejoices as the World Cup ends. Jesus Christ. But I got to say somebody finally got a real

injury. That guy on Brazil actually broke a vertebrae. That's always terrifying. Thank God he's all right. You know, as far as broken vertebrae's go, at least there was no nerve damage as far as I know. So that's a good thing. And how about the crowds, man? How about the Germans not fucking around what they did to Brazil? That was unbelievable. That was a football game that would have been like, I don't know, how many times is seven going to 91? I have no fucking idea what it would have been. It would have been 70, 77, 84, 13. They'd be like scoring 13 fucking touchdowns. That was the game. You know what kills me is I missed that game. I actually, I taped it. I'm on the road right now as I mentioned. I'm going to watch it when I get back because that is the

soccer game every person in the United States has wanted to see forever. To have one team score seven goals or both of them score seven combined for a four to three game for the love of fucking Christ. You know, I'm fucking with you guys. Actually, I watched the final. I watched it at Paul Versey's house, man. We had a great time and and he was laughing. He was into what he's going to do. He's going to do soccer is the shit. And we were talking about this stuff. I swear to God, we fucked up so bad. What we should have done was we should have recorded our audio watching that game so people in Europe and all around the world could enjoy how fucking ignorant we are of the goddamn sport. Just classic lines. Like, dude, do you understand like how much the

world cares about this? We even recognized how fucking stupid we sounded. But I got to get this clip. If anybody can find it at the end of the game, when Germany won and unfortunately Argentina lost my condolences out to them, I actually like both countries, you know what I mean? And I think they kind of like each other. You know, if you know what I mean, for those of you who read about the fallout after World War Two. At the end of the game, when they were going through the crowd and they were showing the German fans, you know, freaking out. Is there anything scarier than a fucking angry German fan? When they showed the Argentinians, whatever the fuck you call them, they cut to this guy. And I swear to God, remember that joke that me and Verzi were doing? We were

pretending like we were crying. Like, you know, I'm having such a good time in New York. Like that. There was a guy in the crowd. He literally looked like that's how he was crying. The guy, he was in his 50s. He had one of those hats on, you know, from back in the 50s and 60s when married guys would join a men's club. They had to get away from their wives. I was kidding who they wanted to get blown on all-weather carpet and some sort of one floor ranch building down the street. And they put that little hat on with the tassel on the side. He was wearing one of those and they cut to him and he was, he was fucking blubbering. I've never seen it. He was just sitting there. They cut to him. He's just like,

and I'm not even joking. Like what I just did, you could sync that audio right up to what the fuck he's doing. Literally like that. I don't, I gotta get into this fucking sport. I don't understand. Like I have, I, I, I lived through the 78 Red Sox. I lived through the fucking 85 bears crushing my Patriots, the 86 Red Sox Mets. Jesus Christ. I don't even fuck all of Canadians when we can never beat the fucking Canadians. All of those heartbreaking games, the Aaron Boone game, all of that. I never at the end of any of those losses went. I mean, what the fuck? Jesus Christ. What point are you like, I'm taking this too seriously. He had just, he was hopeless. This fucking guy, it was like,

it was like, he just built his own house by hand. He had, he had escaped some country and he built a house by hand and he had to go back and get his family. And he finally got them and he goes, this is the house that I built for you. And then the whole fucking thing just collapsed. Then I can understand, stand there being like, I can understand that you just watch the fucking sport where you can't even use your hands. And he was sitting there, hands down by his sides. Oh, that poor bastard. That would have been the most uncomfortable feeling ever to give him, to give him another man a hug like that when they're crying like that, to just feel them collapse into you over a soccer game.

Now I know, it was the championship of the world. I get it. All right, I understand. So, anyways, congratulations to the Germans. I mean, they clearly were the best team. And I can say that with confidence because I watched about, you know, collectively maybe about three hours of the World Cup. I don't know. I don't know. It seemed like a good fucking game. All right, there you go. That's the end of my riveting World Cup. Oh, by the way, my apologies to Algeria for calling you Albania all last week. I hope I didn't fuck it up again. Whatever. Just know that I bet on you. Okay. Does that count as an apology?

Oh, it gives a shit. All right, let's get on to some fucking advertising for this week. Oh, Jesus, here we go again over there. Stamps.com, everyone. You know that feeling you get when you can get things done with just a click of your mouse? It can't get more convenient than that. And now you can even get your mailing and shipping done without leaving your desk. Thanks to Stamps.com. Stamps.com turns your PC or your Mac into your own personal post office that never closes. Talk about convenient, buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter or package using your computer and printer, and then just change your mail to the mailman or mail woman or drop it in the mailbox. And you'll never have to go

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bill, B-I-L-L, upon checkout to get your special offer. Make sure you hurry up because this offer will end soon. Go to evoise.com, promo code bill. One more time, evoise.com, promo code bill. All right. Back to the podcast here. So what's going on with me? Oh, you know what's funny? I've been talking to you guys for the last year and a half about the water damage on my house. So to get you updated, in case you give a fuck, my house is 91 years old. And what I quickly learned, because we were just going to fix the three little shitshack rooms, do-it-yourself hunk of crap that was underneath my wife's office, you know, that's all we were going to fix. But what happens is, is when you have a house as old as mine, and everybody who lived in it before you didn't do

a fucking thing to it, other than just maintain it, when you go into the walls, it's, it's, it's a shit show. All right. And what started off as just what I was going to do, basically my house was initially just a ranch, was just a one floor thing. And then downstairs there was like a porch and throughout the years they added, they dug into the hill, I guess, and they added this ground floor. And it never really made sense. Like it seemed like an apartment downstairs in the house upstairs. There wasn't any flow. So anyway, so downstairs, and then was like this, going into the hill off of the main room downstairs, you'd walk up two stairs, open a door, and then you were at this walk-in closet to the left. If you kept going straight, there was another stair, and

then there was another little room, and somebody at some point was developing pictures back when people used film and shit. It was really creepy looking, you know, that, that big tub where you fucking would throw the undeveloped pictures in. It looked like, you know, something out of that serial killer show on Showtime Dexter, you know, and then you went up one more step, and there was an unfinished area where you could use for storage. So all of that got all wet or whatever. So they took all of that shit out, and then dug out all the dirt and made it level with the floor. And I'm adding a real fucking bathroom down there, and then a nice walk-in closet. That's all I wanted to do, everybody. That's it. I got my hands up, you know, like when they call a file,

and you act like you didn't do it. I didn't touch them. I didn't touch them. All right. So they go under the walls, and it is such an absolute shit show down there. You know, it's turned into an entire remodel of the downstairs, and all the way through, I have to get all the plumbing and all the electrical fixed on my house, because the walls and ceilings are open down there. You might as well get it done. I have all fucking galvanized pipe. Okay. An unknown Buster Keaton probably hauled the shit in while he was struggling in Hollywood, you know, when this house was initially built, and oh yeah, the fucking electrical. Jesus Christ. I already had a guy one time downstairs working on some electrical shit, and I was upstairs watching TV or something.

I had the TV off. I think I was in the TV room, and I heard this guy downstairs, and like three times when he was down there, trying to figure out why this switch, these two, why the outlet and the light were on the same switch or something, like three times I heard him downstairs in the crawl space underneath where I was at. I was just here. What the fuck? So it is a mess, everybody, and what was going to be this simple little project is now turned into an entire just fucking remodel, but I'm actually, I've accepted it. You know, it's basically going to be like, say you bought an old car and you just did a body off restoration. So on top you have the old car, but underneath you got a, not even a restoration at this point. It's going to be

brand new shit. So it's like you just went out, you bought state-of-the-art chassis, suspension, and all of that shit. So I don't know. I got to do it. I got to redo all the pipes in the electric coke, and then I eliminate the two major things you don't want, okay? Water, flooding, and a fire. So I can leave town and not worry about that shit. And then all I got to worry about is the earthquakes, mudslides, and fires in general out there, right? Other than that, I think I'm all said, oh Jesus. So I'm hoping the whole fucking thing's going to be done by the end of this. So what I'm really trying to say is Billy Boy's got a lot of road dates coming up. You motherfucker, you know, it's always something. I paid off the fucking thing, right? That's what

I did. That's what I did. Everything I've made, I just throw it at my fucking house, because I know how this business ends. The entertainment business does not end nicely, okay? It ends with you sitting there with your hat and your hand going, oh, what do you mean? There's nothing out there for me, you know? I'm not going to be, I'm going to be that guy. Everybody's that guy, but at the very least, wherever I live is going to be fucking paid for. So I paid the fucking thing off, thinking I'm sitting pretty, throwing a bathroom and boop-a-doo, who gives a fuck, and now it's just become, I feel like I'm going to buy the whole house all over again. You know? It's an investment. Buy a house. It's a fucking investment. Wait a minute. I'm letting it go. Letting it go.

Letting it go. It's going to be beautiful when it's done. You know who's going to make out on this whoever I fucking sell it to? Because that doesn't add value to your house. Nobody gives a shit. Oh, should you see these copper pipes that are inside the walls? No one gives a fight. Gives a fuck about that. You know, buys the house, the fucking lady. That's what it really comes down to, unless you're a single guy or a gay dude with your, with your gay buddy, right? You come walking in, you know, when you look out the back yard and you try to see like, you know, what kind of pool party you can have or whatever the fuck it is they look for, you know? I don't pretend to understand. I don't pretend to speak for other groups, although I do it all the time. I guess women like, you know,

they come in, oh my God, look at this kitchen. I love how they love kitchens, but then if you ask them to make a fucking sandwich for you, they, they flip out. It's like, I thought you liked the kitchen. Well, I liked it to look at it. Bitch, get out there and fucking put something between two slices of bread now, or I swear to God, I'm going to lock you out on the porch. You wouldn't dare. I would, I would, and you don't know any UFC shit. So I could pick you up right now and put you out there and there's nothing you could do. Yes, there is. You could scream rape, you know, and that ends all the fun, doesn't it? Don't you hate when that happens? So anyways, that's what's going on in my fucking world. Oh, by the way, I've been getting a ton

of shit on Twitter because of me talking about eating right and exercising. I love how people call salads like rabbit food, or they do that dumb shit. Well, don't the cheese croutons and salad dressing, you might as well have a burger at that point. You know, it's like, first of all, who doesn't know that? And then secondly, it's still not as bad as eating a fucking burger, you asshole. Okay, I'll give a shit how much salad dressing you put on lettuce. It's not going to lead to fucking heart disease. All right, like a delicious juicy goddamn burger will. All right, you know, you can't fucking help people. I'm an old fuck people, I'm 46 years old, and I am, I'm in the best shape I've been in in a long time eating that way. I just go with the balsamic.

You fucking negative cunts. Some of you, some of you enjoy the quinoa salad recipes. They're great. Shovel it down your pie hole, it will fill you up. Stay away from the clown food and the fucking in the meats for a couple of days. You do that twice a week, twice a fucking week, and just try the other five days, you'll be amazed what happens. Be amazed what fucking happens. Clown food, by the way, is desserts. I call it clown food because when I'm using, you know, when I'm eating cookies and shit, desserts look good to me, but when I got that sugar craving out of me, and I'm not even looking at desserts, when I glance over at the dessert tray, that's literally what it looks like. It looks, it looks like

that's what clowns would eat, and that's why their face looks like that, you know, whatever, it makes sense to me, you know. All right, here I am, bitch moaning and complaining about all this fucking shit, and I gotta ask, is there anybody who listens to this podcast that lives in Israel or lives in Palestine? I gotta ask you, like, how do you, how do you fucking deal with this Hatfield and McCoy shit that's going on over there? I just look at it, it's just, at some point, you know, if you have the money, why wouldn't you just fucking leave? Well, I swear to God, I would just be like, you want it? Here, take it, fuck it, it's yours. Here it is. This is the, the where the guy went with the sandals that everybody gives a shit about.

You know, doesn't God, and on all religions, doesn't God love everybody? So, why would he give a fuck where you lived? If he made all of it, or she made all of it, or it made all of it, if we crawled out of the fucking mud, it's some point, man. Jesus Christ, these fucking stories are heartbreaking, they're just shooting missiles at each other's towns. And I don't, you know, I don't know, again, I'm trying to think, if somebody was just shooting it at LA, would I leave? Yes. Yeah, go to Minnesota. It's fucking freezing. Yeah, but there's nobody shooting a missile at me. I don't, I don't, you know, obviously, if you could tell, by the way, I'm speaking about it, I'm ignorant as hell.

Like Israel, they shot at this fucking police guy's house. They killed like 10 members of his family. You know? Now, what is that going to do? Is that going to make people on that other side, you know, hate less? Like, oh, now we get it. Thank you. Carry on, you know? I don't know. What am I saying here? Like, look at, look at World War II. What was, was everybody in England supposed to just walk away? But that's their entire country. Ah, Jesus. What am I suggesting here? Suggesting? Yeah, I got to be honest. I would fucking leave. I just picture that guy at the end of the Algeria game. I would just, that would have, I would, I would, I just would have enough. Fuck it. You win. You want it? Here it is.

Fuck it. Take it. I'm out. I'm out. That's easy to say. And then what? You don't know the language, you got to go somewhere else. That's what I would do. I would fucking build a concrete bunker. And I would buy like as many Rosetta stones as, as I could afford. And I would just try to learn other languages. I just pick a fucking country. And I would, I would go there. And then what do you do? I'm trying to think where I could live other than the United States. There's a bunch of play. I could live in Canada. I think I could live in England. Where else? I definitely live in France. I definitely just take a while. Take a while to get used to all those skinny jeans over there,

you know? I don't know. I think I just answered my question. It's like, where you're from? Where the fuck are you going to go? You just accept it after a while? Jesus, this is depressing. All right, let's get to, uh, how far into this podcast are we? How far into this fucking podcast? 35 minutes. Okay. I think it's time to read a couple of, uh, a couple of, uh, letters for the week here. Oh, by the way, uh, I want to thank everybody who made all those DJ remixes of my, uh, my attempt at imitating that music. And that's all I was doing. I wasn't saying it wasn't viable or anything like that. If you really go back and listen to what I was saying, I was just saying, I'm glad they're making a bunch of money. I hope they save it because I saw this same sort of bubble,

you know, hair, metal, grunge, boy bands, standup comedy. I've seen, I've seen it over and over and over again. So I hope they save the money. That's what I really was saying. It really wasn't a rant. Um, all right, although maybe it was, I didn't really go back and listen to it. All right, DJs, oh, and if you want to listen to all of the, uh, all the DJ remixes from last week, you can go on to Twitter. We're going to have them all up there. Um, at the MM podcast is the Twitter handle, I believe you say, at the MM podcast. Uh, please follow this podcast there. We'll have the links to all whatever the fuck I talk about the videos and whatnot. All right. DJs. Hey, Billy Bass Drum, greetings from Finland. I'm a 20 year old musician and for the past few years I've been getting into

electronic music before you call me a mouse head. I don't give a fuck if you like that guy. I don't hate that guy or one of his dick sucking groupies hear me out. I wouldn't know the difference between his, the mouse head looking guy or the other guy who looks like, uh, one of the two quarries. Um, about that ear rape you hear in mainstream clubs, there are a number of DJs or whatever you want to call them who actually can play some real instruments. I play guitar, drums, bass, and some piano. It is true that a big part of making music on a computer is editing, but when you record your own samples and start fucking around with them, it is as time consuming and tedious as any form of music. You know, you had me right up until then. Well, so is

painting a house. Does that mean the guy painting the house is Hendricks? That doesn't make any sense to me, sir. Listen, I know that, that what you're doing is an art. Okay. I'm not, you know, I'm just, I'm just making, I just make fun of shit. Okay. Don't, don't get all fucking, don't get any sadder than you are. All right. Don't add any more black clothing or eyeliner to your fucking wardrobe. See, that's one of the stereotypes. We don't do that. Anyways, he says overrated too much deodorant. No sane person wants you to smell like nuclear waste underrated, um, using the stairs. I see way too many lazy fucks taking, always taking the most convenient way. If you've got a pair of functioning legs,

fucking use them. You'll thank yourself later. Anyways, thanks for reading. And I'm looking forward to seeing you in Helsinki again. Well, I'm looking forward to coming over there. That's actually going to become a dangerous part of the world for me. If people keep saying that I'm trash and DJs, I'm not anyways, you know, what's funny, nobody ever thinks that they're part of the problem. You know, your music is ear rape. What I make is this tedious, is learning the oboe. All right, thoughts from Atlanta. Hey there, Billy Redface. Hope this message finds you reading the Monday morning podcast, uh, reading it on time. Ha ha. Real time media can be challenging. This message is from the

ATL slash hot Lana. I hated that. I missed your show with the Tabernacle. Love the venue. Have never seen a comedy show there. I have those seen the dead weather, the Ray Contours, the white stripes, widespread panic, the black keys and many, many other great performing artists. I'm glad you have turned, you've been turned on to Allison Mossheart. Oh yeah, she's the lead singer of, uh, the dead weather, man. I was saying last week that she's a rock star and this guy's agreeing, saying, yeah, she is a true fucking rock star. Amazing. Great backstory on how she started working directly with Jack White after a show at the Tabernacle while the rec rank on tourist over the fuck you say,

we're playing with the kills. Jack White saw her, uh, thought she was the shit. Everyone knows it. What? Jack White though is the shit. Everyone knows it. If you don't, then you need to crawl out of your cave and rejoin society. Did I read that right? I guess she was playing with the kills and was opening for Jack White's band and he saw her, thought she was the shit and that's how they, uh, they got together. I think that that's what the point was. I apologize for my reading. Um, anyways, he said, I want to take a minute and share a few thoughts with you. I've been listening to your podcast for a little over a year now. A few items I feel compelled to comment on, fat shaming. Thank you. I've been very focused on

my health over the last year and dropping off the wagon for about two years. It feels great getting back in shape. Your podcast is motivating and I'm typically listening to it while I'm working out or while traveling on a plane or in a car being stationary and reminding myself I need to work out. Uh, if you don't like the fat shaming, then don't listen to the fucking program. It's not like there's not a million other things to listen to. Um, yeah, I think I do fat shaving with a twinkle in my eye, right? Anyways, vegetarian food at Chinese entire restaurants. Oh yeah, I keep bringing that up. Like if I Google vegetarian restaurant, they always show these Chinese and Thai restaurants. He says the reason this shows up is these cuisines are great

for vegetarians. Uh, if you go to a real Chinese restaurant, not some American Chinese crap, the food is way more focused on the vegetables and is actually quite healthy ties a little harder to find healthy, but there are generally are a few great options at authentic Thai restaurants, AKA not mouth breathing mall food. If you don't believe me next time you're in Atlanta or ramen LA, I'll prove it to you. Um, dude, I believe you. We don't have to have a lunch date here. Um, anyways, yeah, I just, yeah, you know, when my version of Chinese food is that, you know, that fucking food you eat and 10 minutes later, you're hungry again, that really unhealthy shit. So I, uh, I really ought to look into that a little bit more, I guess, but um, anyways, oh,

you know what I forgot to do? I wanted to apologize to all the World Cup fans because some people get annoyed with me. Trashing, you know, I just like fucking irritating you guys, you know, it's fun. And I think in your heart of hearts, it really bugs you that the United States doesn't give a fuck about the World Cup. And I know right now you're like, Oh fuck off, but you know, it's true. And I think in your heart of hearts, you actually want to be an American, don't you? Come on. You never fantasized about that. Just being some fat fuck on your way to a more like a Walmart. Listen, it's some country music with your fucking jaw hanging open. All right. Some ill fitting hat. Listen to some country guy

rubbing your balls. If you don't like the South, you can get the fuck out because this is America. And we ain't changing for nobody. All right. And then they start playing a violin that makes you want to leap out of the truck. Come on. You know, we wouldn't want to do that for like a couple of weeks. Europeans stop and Australians stop coming visiting here and visiting the coastal cities. See the real America, get in the middle of it, get in the fucking hot land. And go to some of our DE and F's fucking cities. All right. Why don't you get it? Why don't you go out there and do some of that shit? Just fucking drive around. Okay. I challenge you to walk into my maybe four Walmarts in the middle of nowhere and not break down like that Argentinian

guy. All right. Was there any point to be made there? I don't think there was. All right. Other instrument. Dear Billy Coltrane, you play drums and that's awesome. You're a bona fide cool kid. What? Because I suck at drums? All right. I'll take that. He said, but if you could play a second instrument and be a master of it, what would you play? Sorry, guitar is not an option. Why? Why isn't it a fucking option? Because you say so. All right. I'll roll with it. You got to choose between a saxophone trombone flute or violin. What's your choice and what genre of music would you want to be the master of? Thanks and go flute yourself. Oh, Jesus. Jesus with the puns over there. If I have saxophone trombone, trombone,

doubt it doubt. Trombone's a badass fucking instrument. Especially when you mute it with the plunger. I like trumpet, trombone. What would I play? I don't know. Either that New Orleans shit or like I like the trombone player in James Brown's band. Fred. Fred. Right. Whatever that fucking song doing it to death. I can't remember the name of the song. Oh, did I tell you guys I found a fucking killer James Brown? A killer James Brown like a new version or not a different take of I feel good. You got to hear this shit. Hang on a second. Let me see if I can bring this up real quick. James Brown right there. Click on that. This is how much of a fucking genius this guy is.

Where the hell is that hot pants? Here it is. Listen to this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me you can listen to that fucking 9,000 times in a row. You got to listen to that whole song. The bridge is the only thing that sort of sounds like the original version. That just sounds like him fucking around trying to figure out how he's going to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would play trombone. I also really like the trumpet. I feel like that's an unbelievably powerful instrument. And my dad had a record when I was a kid. Ted Heath and his orchestra swing as king. And they had a couple of sections where it was just a trumpet solo or just the horn section would kick in and it was, you know,

fucking blew you out of your chair when you were listening to it. If you had a nice hi-fi system back in the day there. And I remember the first time I went and I saw a big band live. I went to Berkeley. I think I told this story before. I went to Berkeley and it was the Buddy Rich band. And Buddy was, he was gone by then. He'd been gone probably like five, six years. So they just would have these all-star drummers come in and play with the band. And I could not fucking believe like a big band was basically, it was four trombones, four saxophones, four trumpets. And I mean these guys, when they would just, just fucking all of them would play. It's 16 fucking people blowing on horns. You fucking blow your goddamn wig back, man. It was unbelievable.

So I've always loved that kind of music. I don't know. The shit that I'm listening to now, like I got in a rental car a couple weeks ago and I just decided I was going to listen to the pop station so I could kind of know what was going on. Just because as a comedian, you got it somehow, it's your job to kind of know what's going on out there or else your act will really start feeling dated. Like I mentioned a couple months ago when I used Britney Spears as a reference as like when I was talking about, you know, some young floozy and it bombed like it got nothing in front of this younger crowd. And then I had to be like, wait a minute, she's like a 32, 33 divorced mother of two or three kids at this point. She's not 19 anymore, Bill. You know,

fucking 14 years has gone by since oops, I did it again. I played with you. Yeah, put on some clothes, you fucking whore. But God bless you. You made your money. You made your money. What am I saying? So yeah, so that actually has led me into listening to all kinds of other fucking shit. Plus I played drums, you know, as the hobby. And so I've always liked, uh, I guess rap music. I refuse to call it hip hop. I'm too white to call it hip hop. It just doesn't sound right coming off that rap music. That sounds right coming out of my mouth. But like, uh, I like, uh, who's the guy I've been listening to? Little Wayne's new one.

Rich as fuck. I just really like the drums in that. And I also think he's fucking hilarious. Go behind your back like nunchucks and that's fucked up. I find myself laughing when I'm listening to his shit. He's also amazing. You know, fuck talking, let's do it. All right, enough with that shit. So that's what I meant to, and if I could, yeah, trombone, I would love that. If I had, if I could be like Bill Murray and Groundhog Day, I would master drums, guitar, trumpet, trombone, piano. That would probably be it. And, uh, maybe bass. I don't know. You know what? There's a guy I actually follow on YouTube. If you're a bass player, this fucking guy is the shit. Like he plays all the great fucking, uh,

songs that have just unbelievable bass lines, um, from funk all the way to like, you know, cover shit that you should know if you're playing a band like that song, uh, that 8, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 9, he plays that shit. And he's just a really, he's a pro. I'll actually, I'll put that link up. We'll have it up on the Twitter, the at the M.M. podcast Twitter handle. We'll have all of that shit up there for you. Um, so yeah, that's basically what I would do. Basically what I would do is shut this fucking thing off. Jesus Christ. What did I do? Please tell me I didn't fuck this whole podcast up. Is that better? Was I leaning on this thing forever? Well, I don't have time to fix it. God damn it. At some point, I'm going to make,

I'm going to make this a professional operation. All right, let's get to the next little, I guess the final one here. Um, tennis. Oh, by the way, the flute, the flute is the one fucking instrument that there's just no, there was, there's no cool way to play that instrument. You know, they just isn't, and I don't want to hear about Jethro Tull. I don't want to hear it. Um, yeah, the flute, the piccolo, like those are, those are great little add-ons when you have an entire symphony. Like that's like the curb finders for the, uh, you know, remember back in the day when you're like, all right, I've tinted the windows. I have my vanity plate. You know, I got a, I got fuzzy dice hanging from the fucking rearview mirror. What's the last thing

you put curb finders on because you didn't want to damage your rims. That's what a flute or like a piccolo is. I mean, who would even respect this? There's no way somebody just plays the piccolo. Like the, you, you, you're definitely playing multiple fucking instruments and you're like the utility guy in the team like, Hey, we need you to play right field. All right, I'll play the fucking piccolo, right? Um, all right. Tennis anyone, dear Billy Agassi. This person says, I've heard you mention anything. I have never heard you mention anything about playing tennis. It sounds to me like a sport you and the lovely Nia would enjoy. You're in your Jacquela Lane stage and hell seems to be important to you. Tennis is a great workout.

And after playing a handful of times, you can actually see yourself getting better. In your case, we wouldn't call them tennis whites. We call them tennis pasty whites. Hey, everybody, keep it going for that guy. Um, what's your history with the sport? Ever give it a go? Yeah, I grew up in the eighties. The big tennis boom was in the seventies. So, you know, the fallout of it was still there. I still have an oversized fucking racket, probably with cat gut strings. Um, no offense, Peter, but that's the way they made them back then. And maybe they're nylon. I have no fucking idea. Um, I like, I love tennis. I love watching that type of shit. As far as running around,

I, I, my back and shin splints. I'm not fucking doing that. I see, you know, those people who play those running around sports basketball and all of them, you ever see those guys when they get to their thirties and into their forties and they're still fucking coming out there tape from their ankle all the way up to their hips. Your body was not designed to fucking do that running around. I'd play on a grass surface. If they got a local, uh, Wimbledon replica, I'd fucking play on that shit. Um, you know, it's funny. So I got a tennis racket like everybody. I played a little bit, um, in the eighties with my buddies, you know, and we would talk all kinds of shit. We go out there and we get drunk, go down to the public court, you know, the one that had

the cracks in it with the grass coming up and like no net. So you just tie a string across it and you'd be playing at night and you'd be arguing if it went over or under. Remember that shit? That's the way we'd play. We had a great time. And, um, so when I moved out and went to New York City, you know, when I was packing the vitals, obviously the tennis racket didn't make it. And I remember, uh, one, one time I met this really, really nice woman and I wanted to go on a date and she was like, she suggested playing tennis because she was nice, you know, rather than going on booze. And I was like, yeah, I got a tennis racket. And I liked her so much, actually had my parents mail me my tennis racket down to me and I went out to Brooklyn

and we played tennis. And she won. And that was the end of that. I'm saying the relationship lasted a little bit longer than that, but yeah, that's probably, I don't not into that shit. I'm not into, uh, although I gotta tell you, I went over the Brooklyn bridge and I jogged across it all the way back to my hotel and I was surprised that I had that kind of wind, but I got back into skipping rope again. They ever tell you guys, this is the workout that I used to do back in the day. I would, uh, I put on classic sports network before they got bought up by fucking ESPN and, and, um, I would tape old fights or, you know, if De La Hoya, he was the big guy back then, you know, if he had a nice 12 round fight, I would, I would record it and hopefully it went

like nine, 10, 11, 12 rounds. And then what I would do was when I would watch it during my workout. And what I would do is I, when the boxers were fighting, I would be skipping rope, but I would skip rope and I would be watching the fight. And when they rested, I would stop skipping rope. And then, uh, when they, you know, started fighting again, I was back on the, on the, on the rope and I would just try to just build myself up to see how many fucking rounds I could get to. And, uh, you really gain an appreciation for the kind of fucking shape that those guys are in because you just sit in there, jump it up and down like, we, we, we, we, they're actually trying to prevent somebody from beating the shit out of them while they try and beat the shit out of them.

You know that if you have had a fight in your fucking life, you know, if nobody trains to have a bar fight, it just fucking happens. Do you remember that shit? How when did you were after like, I mean, how long's a bar fight last? It's like under, under usually under 30 seconds. You hear the glass breaking, you hear all the fucking shit. If you actually cut out all the shit talking and soon you won't fucking do it, I'll see you fucking with the raw gun. If you want to cut out all of that shit and just get down to the fighting aspect of it, it's usually under 30 seconds. And I swear to God, like how hard you're breathing is ridiculous. And these guys are just 12 rounds of that shit. It's just, it's unbelievable.

So that's the kind of thing because I hate going to the fucking gym. I hate doing cardio and all that type of stuff. So I always try to have something going on that I can do that just doesn't have me staring at the clock. And I feel like I'm in science class back in the day, you know, so, so there you go. That that's one to grow on everybody. I think I hit everything. I might have to pull up a little bit short here. All right, everybody, I believe that that's the podcast for this week. I had a wonderful time shooting a cheat with you. What do I got coming up? I got the benefits, all the information's up on billbird.com. I got it tonight, tomorrow. It's a benefit to, to help out starving children. I will be manning the lines, spooning out food

during the afternoon and I'll be doing the show late at night. I was going to be doing it with James Smith. Unfortunately, he's a little bit under the weather. I hope he's feeling better soon. So we got Paul, don't say I'm from Jersey. Versey is going to be opening and it's going to be a great time. It's for a great cause. And later on this month, I will be up doing the Montreal Comedy Festival. I'm going to be hosting one of the gallows, bringing it on all the, you know, the new talent that's going to come along and woo the industry, force me out of the business. Anyways, I'm very looking forward to that. And other than that, I'm not doing shit

other than spending all my money on the ground floor, my fucking house. All right, everybody, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. I'll talk to you next time. All right, bye. You Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Novelties. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cirrillas, along with all NS Novelties. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis

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