Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-17-15

Episode Date: July 17, 2015

Bill rambles about dead beat Dads, not decaffeinated tea and landing in the ocean.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's.com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast

just before Friday and I'm sorry man I'm running out of ways to say it. I try to do it differently every week because I know people are starting to do mashups up it so I try to give you something I'm trying to give you something to work with. I'm doing this on a Friday why you ask it's like what the fuck Bill the Monday morning podcast is always late did you come up with the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday just just to just to disappoint us twice in one week huh like the podcasting version of a deadbeat father deadbeat dad why isn't a deadbeat father I'll tell you why because there's no alliteration and on the news you can't keep people sitting there listening

with their mouths hanging out there up next deadbeat fathers nah that doesn't work up next deadbeat dads what are they doing these deadbeat dads deadbeat dads are douches up next on KTLA Sarah can you tell us your story about being married to a deadbeat dad well you know I probably shouldn't have sucked his dick on the first date and he said I'm gonna come and for some reason I don't know what I was thinking but I just crammed it into my clam hole and that's so we had our first kid well I mean nine months later I'm sorry I'm nervous because I'm on TV and right off the bat it's like he'd take us to Denny's and the check would come and he would be like excuse me I have to go to the bathroom and I never saw him again

we tracked him down deadbeat dad Danny come out of this dilapidated fucking something that begins with a D um we just want to give you your chance to tell your side of the story I love those fucking things those those news stories where they they expose bad people like they give a fuck you know what I mean they don't give a fuck they just know that we like sitting back watching people get in trouble is there anything better than that than watching somebody getting yelled at it's fucking phenomenal it's like you cunts last week when I went off on the Burger King guy I didn't even know his name I didn't even know how many fucking rounds there were and I clearly stated that I was making fun of someone that could beat the shit out of me right so what do you cunts do you chop it up

you leave out this where the part where I say I'm just some moron in a fucking in my office you chop the whole fucking thing up and then you start put oh uh fucking comedian goes on rant what are you doing Nia I'm giving these guys shit for they they fucked me over last week are you talking about uh Kona McGregor yeah Nia loves them Kona McGregor but I did tweet that I was giving that uh that win a little bit of the side eye no he they stopped it because obviously that guy was gassed or something would have got hurt you think so like it just I feel like he was we can't do this again Nia we can't do this again he knocked him down but not out obviously I don't know all the rules but he knocked him down sure and then he covered his head we don't know what we're talking

about neither one of us take any sort of jujitsu or anything we were just excited for the underdog we was Kona McGregor and we were like uh how badass is that guy's chest tattoo though you got to be everything about him is badass you gotta be in the sickest shape ever to pull off that fucking that guy is basically signed himself up to fucking pull it like push ups yeah and spin classes for the rest of his fucking life spin classes now but you know something because he's been on tv kicking people's asses then he can just be like well I did that and that's why he talks so much shit like that's the thing that's so hilarious about him and the shit that gets him in trouble do me a favor tell me tell them the t story and then I got to blow through the rest of this and

then I gotta uh I gotta drop my truck off to get the t story oh so the t story also aka bill's add or just not paying attention maybe no it's not your knee is laying in bed she's like oh can you go get me some tea because when you get married you're also like a waiter and bill's like oh okay what kind of duty you want and I say I like a cup of green tea would be lovely just not the decaffeinated kind you said not decaffeinated not decaffeinated the regular and what did I say and you went oh yeah yeah yeah not decaffeinated and then you walked out the door and I just sat there thinking he's not gonna get this right he's not and sure enough he came downstairs with your big sweet smile hey go sweetie and sure enough it's the decaffeinated tea when I told you

this is my different not to caffeinate I thought there was decaffeinated and not decaffeinated so when you said not decaffeinated I was like oh good decaffeinated I thought it was like fiction and nonfiction I don't drink tea and coffee so I was like all right that's not decaffeinated that's decaffeinated what what you should have said oh I should I wasn't thinking you should have said not decaffeinated I would have to use a double negative in order to get your brain to work correctly well you'd say I want a book not nonfiction no you wouldn't say that you would say I want a fiction book I just but the thing but you could also say I want a book not nonfiction oh so that means fiction I knew for you if I just said green

tea you would just listen you would have screwed it up regardless do I get any points for trying you do you were very sweet to even give me a cup of tea oh don't talk to me like I'm fucking like I have some kind of mental issue well you were very sweet is that what I am on that person the person who's never gonna get laid and just stays in his hometown for the rest of his life he's sweet can you help me carry this thing that's really heavy I don't think that's what's happened but you are pretty you are pretty I'm pretty what's the word slow on the uptake all right listen I gotta knock this out because I gotta drop my truck off today all right you gotta follow me okay all right that's it for me well I gotta I gotta I gotta trash them for fuck that was pretty good

I gotta trash him for uh you know I was making fun of the guy there in the tidy whiteies that's what the one thing I did like about Conor McGregor is that when he was conan McGregor when he came out in the tidy whitey I love saying it what I did like about that is you got an idea of what it would be like if you broke into his home in the middle of the night he'd come out with that crazy look that he did between round one and two like hey you know when he put his fucking arms out he come out in his bare feet and he fucking put his heel he you'd sit he'd do this spinning thing the best sound even though you're getting your ass kicked would be him running across the hardwood floor the slap of his feet and then he'd do this spinning thing just like then he started with

the spinning kick was that somebody I think he did and that would be right at him or was that the it all ran together I forgot to say the fight before it was the fight of the night like nightmare over there yeah that was uh two of the sickest warriors that guy finally his fucking nose just exploded it was unreal she nea wanted to race I was like no I have to I gotta I'm such a fucking tub of shit that I have to watch guys fighting at that level just to get myself to take my dog on a hike and you know what we fast forwarded through it but I uh I think I read that Shanae O'Connor like came out and sang with Kona McGregor I'm only gonna say it like that from now on so I have to go back and watch that I mean I don't I think I read that on the internet but I may be

wrong I have to go back and you know it's funny you brought her up and I know she doesn't think this thing sing this song but I thought it was that that chick who married the old creepy guy that sang on the boat let's see another episode of what is bill talking about Whitney Houston oh sorry first um by Dolly Parton all right wait can you tell can you tell everybody when you were just trying to describe uh gone girl what did you call where the bitch go but the thing is I know I'm wrong but I do it like I do it like the $10,000 pyramid I just start throwing clues where the bitch go is really though that's a really brilliant alternative title no when they do because Hollywood keeps remaking movies now

because everybody stole the movies so they can't they can't do anything originally more because what's the point they just got to keep doing shit that works so they'll do the black version of it which will be where the bitch go and then paul paul paul will do the all-female one and it'll turn it into a fucking $10,000,000 comedy where the dude bro go I don't know where it would be I don't know what it would be all right let me let me finish this so I can get out of here so as I mentioned today very exciting day for me is uh my the power steering and the air conditioning units what do we call them motors came in from my truck so uh for those of you is not mechanically inclined as myself I've since learned you mount those on the front of

the engine you know that belt that goes all around it's just using the front end of the crankshaft and that's what turns the fucking motor and that's what gets it going I don't fucking know that's how it works um at least that's how it gets the motor going that's a very simplistic version of it so now my truck will have power steering which you know I was one of those guys I'm gonna keep it all original I'm gonna keep it all original but like you know it had drum brakes and just driving out here drum brakes no power steering original suspension it's every time I went over a bump I had to hold on to the seat so my head wouldn't hit the fucking ceiling um the roof of the cab there if it was a significant one and um you know if there's somebody

behind me and I'm trying to parallel park and I'm holding them up you know that panic I gotta get in the spot I would literally be out of breath and um so anyway so I'm just updating it keep I still kept it three on the tree I got the whole engine redone it's running it's running so well I'm not scared about saying how fucking great it's running um so today I'm getting the uh the power steering and the air conditioning done and then also I went on ebay and uh I have an aftermarket horn on my truck and it's just the high note so it's like hey it's such a bad ass truck and then I beep the horn and it just sounds like the worst fucking thing ever so I found somebody uh I don't know how the fuck they got it took it off a truck I had it in a junkyard but they had the

low the low whatever the low note and the high note and um uh they're gonna slap that on so it actually sounds like a fucking man's truck and then I think at that point I'm done oh I still need the directionals and the reverse lights to work and that's the reason why my wife put the kibosh on me getting a 65 galaxy so I gotta I gotta hold off on that she actually made a great argument she goes we already have one old car that constantly needs work and like no I'm getting this to the point where it's gonna be totally fixed and she's just like you know blah blah blah so whatever I haven't given up on the fight but sometimes you just gotta realize wouldn't it be like you know what you know stick and move I kind of put it out there I'll wear it down

I'll wear it down the same way she does when she wants a pair of fucking shoes or something but I really like them um so anyways the continuing story uh of me not boozing trying to lose fucking weight I weighed myself this morning um and I'll tell you I had a rough week you know I did not booze and this week started off uh started off oh I had a rough one um I was I started I quit boozing on July 5th going on a 72-day liver cleanse which by the way I don't even know that that's how many days you need you know I basically talked to Dr. Paul Verzi Paul Verzi was the one that says you know dude I heard you you know I heard you needed like fucking 72 days so I just took that as law I was like well that's my buddy Paul Verzi

he never went to medical school I'm sure he he overheard it in a bar from uh somebody with a doctor written something um so I am going to go to 72 days considering I fucking booze like a maniac from that southern tour the end of April right on through right on through to uh the July 5th so to get everybody caught up so I'm trying to lose three pounds a week when I started this I was 186.6 say to your billy fat face say to your fat freckles tonight on the news fat freckles exposed um so last week I weighed myself I was 183.2 and I'm halfway through this week now this week started off rough oh I had a rough one um on Monday night Monday night I uh I took my lovely wife to go see Steely Dan with um Elvis Costello opening up and I gotta tell you that was

easily that might have been the best concert I ever saw I mean Elvis Costello comes out and just fucking just destroyed like he had such a like I'm sitting I'm sitting in the crowd going Elvis Costello is gonna fucking open this thing this is ridiculous um you know this guy's been headlining for 40 fucking years and uh he came out and he had such a sense of humor about it he played all some weird Illuminati song that they were like the chosen ones so immediately I'm like this is gonna be uh this is gonna be fucking great and he came out played some newer shit played a bunch of classic hits and he just kept going and going and what's funny about the Hollywood Bowl is down low you know I got great fucking seats right and down low they have um they have like these like

picnic tables kind of things you can get this and what was funny is I'm watching Elvis Costello and he went on early first I mean and uh it's still light out and there was so many people eating where like it was like groups of four so two people who were in the front seats closer to the stage would be turning around facing the people they were talking to eating there was so many people turned around while Elvis was initially on stage that I was looking at so many faces I almost felt like I was on stage it was fucking hilarious but then he just he's went into the hits and when he played that uh I don't know his shit that rap it up when you're down on it they eat it around down down down and everybody fucking went nuts the sun had gone down oh and

during his set some fucking asshole flew right over the Hollywood Bowl at about four five hundred feet now I am a novice I just got my license but as far as I know you can't fucking do that you can do that when it's empty but as far as I know an outdoor arena with the significant gathering of human beings one hour before the event to one hour after is a temporary no-fly zone but this fucker flew over it twice and I was being that fucking guy with a hobby my wife's trying to enjoy the show and I'm like he can't do that according to the uh the FAA she's like shut up so by the way I'm embarrassed to say that I wasn't aware that um Elvis Costello has had basically the same drummer for 40 years because I was watching the guy go after one so I was like

wow that guy's really good after two songs I was saying Nia is any better than watching a professional drummer look how fucking fluid and just smooth that guy is and then I ended up looking him up guy's name is Pete Thomas does not get enough credit but every drummer out there knows who the fuck he is and uh was blown away by him all right and then his his night ended I would have been fine with Elvis Costello band I would have been fine with that and then um Steely Dad came out and they're the greatest live band I've ever fucking seen how intricate and how like amazing their albums are they came out they sounded exactly like the albums and they got Keith Carluck on drums who played drums so fucking well that it transcended like music he was playing drums so well I was

thinking about how can I get better as a comedian like I want to do stand-up as well if I could do half as well as this guy's playing drums and my wife took this amazing clip um I didn't even think I was so fucking blown away by his playing I didn't take any video I just sat there with my fucking jaw on the ground and um this is what a badass he is two songs into the set they played Asia and he fucking destroyed it absolutely destroyed it effortless it was amazing just fucking amazing how fluid he is and that fucking that molar movement thing that he does where it looks like both of his fucking arms are doing the worm just flying down the toms but it wasn't over playing it was all tasteful the dynamics he just he's a fucking beast if you ever get a chance

because I remember when I lived in New York that guy would do a lot of stuff down in the village just sit in I would just follow him on Twitter I'm sure he announces the live gigs and all that when he's around if you ever just want to fucking sit like you know 20 feet away from arguably the greatest drummer of his fucking generation I would say check that guy out and right now obviously he's on tour and it's a long story but I got to know him a little bit through uh the guy who sets up all my radio tours so he hooked us up with the tickets and then afterwards I got to fucking talk to him for two seconds I swear to god just like a total fucking drummy groupie and you know I avoided asking him all the drum questions I wanted to ask like can you teach me some of the

fills in Asia can you just hammer him out here in this trash can I just wasn't gonna do that because you know why because I was sober because old Billy drunk tank didn't wasn't drinking and I was aware enough not to do that you know all I needed was a couple of miller high lives and I would have been I would have asked him all kinds of questions and he would have been crawling up the walls trying to get away from me so there's another reason not to drink so anyways please go see them if you get a fucking chance I know they just played New Mexico whatever but they were fucking amazing so anyways what else did I want to talk about so oh speaking of flying I'm all over the map here today people I'm actually leaving tomorrow

to fly up to Ottawa to play some blues festival where I'm doing stand-up outside in between two bands which usually is a hell gig but they're telling me that all these awesome comics have done it and it's and it's a great gig so I'm hoping it's gonna be that if it isn't it's just gonna be 45 awful minutes in my life that's it that's how I always look at him like all right this is gonna suck but in 45 minutes it's gonna be over and I'm gonna be in the car and I'm gonna it's not gonna matter and I'm gonna go back to my room and I'm gonna uh put a pillow over my face and I'm gonna cry myself to sleep what did I pick this job um and then I do the Montreal comedy festival and as as mentioned I'm playing three nights on the comedy jam oh billy woodshed there uh three different songs

and um and then I'm doing three shows uh at a theater up there I forget what the fuck it is but uh I'm really looking forward to it and um you know not gonna booze that's gonna be difficult that was really difficult during uh going to a concert to not drink or anything get any sort of a buzz but uh I stuck with the waters for a minute and I finally got like a turkey wrap or whatever so long story fucking short I weighed myself today and I am the fuck was it 181.4 or 181.6 I basically dropped five pounds that's how much I booze just stopping boozing I dropped five how hard is it to lose five fucking pounds it's really fucking hard for me anyways and I dropped five pounds so I'm psyched so I'm on the I'm on the fucking road here all right I gotta I gotta by next Monday I gotta

be 180 and then I'm keeping it going three pounds a week everybody three pounds a week for two months do it with me all right have you fucking oatmeal every morning with the banana and then have an apple or an orange as a snack somebody told me maybe have a couple of scramble a couple of eggs you know but don't even start the egg debate with people there's too much cholesterol than other people well if you scramble it you give it all the fucking nutrients what you want to do is soft cook it I like an egg over easy whatever have a couple of fucking eggs just don't have any toast bacon and potatoes just throw those on the side evidently that's a good fucking thing I don't know and then uh lunch I just been doing the fucking turkey slices a little bit of avocado I

actually have a sandwich I don't give a fuck I'll have a couple slices of bread even though people say don't do that and then after that it's just fucking a giant salad some sort of fucking vegetarian thing for dinner and then all I gotta do is take my dog on a hike do a couple of push-ups and not fucking booze and it's been going good for me so that's been working for me I hope it works for you so anyways um continuing on so I've been uh I've been flying here um trying to get my hours up my school recommended that I fly with an instructor four different times just to get radio calls down and I've done um I've done three flights and this last flight I did I flew out to Catalina Island which a lot of people don't know about unless you live out here in LA

and you probably know about it you never went to it um I didn't have the time to land because I had to go do some efforts for family shit by the way which is looking really funny by the way we got the first episode almost totally edited and I was beyond excited um up until that point I was like I don't know man I don't know how funny this is going to be you get all nervous and yesterday we just fucking worked on the thing um I don't know from like two o'clock to about nine o'clock at night just tighten it up and tighten it up tighten it up editing it and all that type of shit and uh I was able to keep my ADD under control I really do hit the wall at some point where I'm like I just I gotta get the fuck out of here but um they're really good about just

ignoring me when I say that so I became the running joke because I kept going I have a hard out I have a hard out at seven I have to be out of here by seven and then it was like seven thirty and then it just became the running joke I just kept saying I have a hard out guys like guys I'm not kidding around and they they would just be like oh yeah Bill oh yeah you're out of here you're we're gonna get you out of here by seven um so anyways uh yesterday before I went over there I did a flight with one of my instructors out to Catalina Island like I said we didn't have time to land it's uh just off the coast about 23 miles 24 25 miles off of uh oh wait is that how far it is no I think there and back was like 25 miles I think that yeah I think that's what it was

anyways right off the coast of Long Beach and uh we flew out there and I saw my first whale if you can believe it we're flying out there we got the doors off which is actually great because if you had to do an emergency landing that's kind of a bitch to have to fucking you know try to open the goddamn doors and shit I just like immediately uh hitting the water getting the fuck out you know um so what is that fucking procedure I should know that right yeah I know what it is right you go into your flare and then when you pull your power you raise the skids hit the water you fucking go you go left cyclic right you roll down to the detent to right you go left cyclic in the fucking blade stop hopefully and then you just sit there

and hope somebody picks you up before the sharks get you and that's what I was thinking when I was flying over it going like Bill you are fucking terrified over the ocean right now and there was that halfway point that we got to with the altitude that we were at where it wasn't even that we were flying at like 2000 feet so basically once we got to a certain point off the coast if we had a fucking problem we'd have to ditch it in the fucking ocean so you just hold on to uh that's not going to happen to me so anyways we flew out there saw two pods of dolphins and at the altitude that we're at they like glow and they're jumping out of the water it looked like look like uh well those little fireflies man it was fucking amazing and then um the guy I was flying with

you know he was looking for whales because he knew I never saw one he was there's one there's one you know and he's like I have controls you have controls I have control so now he's flying and I was looking and I got to watch the thing come right up take a breath you know blow the fucking water out right take a breath and then dive down again man it was fucking amazing so uh I'll actually you know what I'll I'll give you guys some pictures of that we had the um you know life that's on and shit I'm not going to send you the picture of me because I'm slouched I look like a douche in the the the life jackets around your waist like a fucking fanny pack so I'm not going to show you that I'll just show you the view of uh when we came in to Catalina it was fucking amazing

and then uh went around the island and flew back and uh just an incredible goddamn flight so I'm really enjoying that but I'm getting to the point where old Freckles is going to be up there by himself and I'm feeling pretty confident about it and uh who knows I might put a GoPro on one of these days and I'll show you some of the shit when I fly over Dodger Stadium when there's no game and like that jerk off when we were in the fucking uh Hollywood Bowl all right let me get to the advertising here for the week um all right I gotta do this right oh video doorbell everybody I think it's only fair at this point that uh you know I did the music I gotta have I gotta have the fucking sad music underneath it right isn't that right here we go I just looked up 90

minutes of I looked up sad music on YouTube and this is 90 minutes of sad emotional music you'll never forget all right so here we go just the levels here come on you fucking cunt hello everyone I'm Bill Burr and I'd like to take a couple minutes to talk to you about video doorbell this is the sound of a package being delivered or friends coming over for dinner but it's also the sound of someone planning to rob you blind tie you up and stick their dingaling in your mouth over 95 percent of homebreakings happen during the day and burglars almost always start by ringing your doorbell to see if someone's home before pillaging your possessions I can't fucking do this I can't fucking just creeping me out what keep going all right

your console keep going with ring video doorbell you can see and talk to anyone at your door from anywhere in the world using your smartphone each year over a thousand people suffer from not having video doorbell please help us get video doorbells to the third world most of these people don't even have homes at least they could start with a video doorbell rings advance motion detection alerts you even if someone doesn't ring the doorbell it's like a caller ID for your home please share a personal story I'm not fucking doing that for the last fucking time why don't you guys at least send me a fucking video door you know what I don't want one I don't want you know what if somebody comes during the day and fucking rob speak okay you got me good on you you got me you cunt

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i wonder jimmer say uses that huh um no he just tanks an entire fucking season oh bill will you trim your cut hairs all right uber everyone this is the last one mercifully intro hey you like making great money right sure we all do here's a really cool opportunity that i just had to share with you evidently driving with uber uber is that popular smartphone app that connects riders with drivers i take uber a bunch no i don't i take taxis okay i take taxis because they don't know who i am and i'm not trying to be an arrogant ass i just appeal to people who drive uber you know what i mean if i take a bus that he doesn't know the fuck i am i take the subway hey i know the fuck i am i go on planes they don't know the fuck i am something about uber

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every week i could be getting into your car when you drive uber uh call the action you got a car and a driver's license right we'll put them together stupid to work for you and start earning serious life changing money today sign up to drive with uber visit drivewithubert.com that's drive with uber.com that's drivewithubert.com uh you should definitely do this man this is a great way to supplement your fucking income but what it is when you have that extra income don't fucking drink it away put it up your nose or buy some shoes pay down your fucking debt and become a free man a free woman pay down your credit cards pay down your student loans get out of fucking debt don't owe anybody any money all right you don't owe anybody anything they owe you you understand it

that's the you understand it you understand that that's the way to go i'd love to keep talking about my internet sucks here and that's going to take forever for me to fucking upload this thing um anyways that was me just checking in on you hey it's friday everybody fucking friday it's the fucking east coast at this point what is it 11 uh two o'clock you're almost there you're almost there whatever um anyways uh thanks everybody who's been listening um why do i feel i gotta thank everybody this week i just had a fucking awesome week i did i had a fucking great week i'm just psyched i'm losing weight i'm turning this ship around you know what's funny too is fucking how much your skin clears up you know and i don't

need you guys with your fucking horseshit when you're just going to go look up stuff about your liver well it's because of toxins your liver is able to get rid of i i understand that i can also google what the fuck happens although nobody will give me an actual number why can it get an actual number does anybody know what is the i mean it all obviously depends on how much you boost and i boost pretty hard but when i stopped boozing i just missed booze like i didn't fucking get the sweats you know what i mean i didn't fucking get the shakes you know they didn't have to lock me in a room with fucking chicken broth or any of that type of shit i just miss it you know what i mean there i said it i miss it like a friend um all right that's it i'm

gonna send i'm gonna upload some pictures of uh flying around catalina and i'll also uh i'll upload that thing of keith carlock killing it uh while he was playing age and i'm telling you guys even if you're not even if you don't play drums you just gotta see you gotta see this fucking band that horn section that bass player fucking everybody destroyed it and um you gotta go see it all right that's it that's the that's the podcast and i'm gonna get a little throwback here half hour of uh podcast from days gone past and it's only a month out from fucking football season right they'll be they'll be playing three seasons think about that all right or don't think about it or go have a great weekend all right you guys

you do you me me i don't know my girl's like let's go get something to eat i said all right there's a fucking mcdonald's right there and she's like do you want to eat there and soda was looking down at the ground all sad you know

just doing that classic female manipulation thing she knew i wanted to eat there i just said there's a mcdonald's there and then why would she say do you want to eat there and look down at the ground this question is for all the young male listeners of my whispering podcast why would a female do that i'll tell you why because she doesn't want to not only does she not want to eat there she already has a place where she wants to eat she's already had this place that she's wanted wanted to eat at for probably a month before you ever went to vegas but she's not going to tell you about it because if she told you about it that'd give you time to do research on it and find out how fucking expensive it was so she's like do you want to eat there she

looks down at the ground so immediately despite the fact that i know all this about females i take the bait why where do you want to eat sweetheart um this is burger place at mandalay bay i heard it was really nice do you ever watch top chef uh only when you're watching it sweetheart i don't like that show the fucking show is annoying i hate when the chef starts screaming at those people it's fucking foreign accent you call daddy fucking grilled cheese sandwich get the fuck out of my kitchen hey hey you think i'm fucking afraid of you you're fucking douche you got a fucking problem with my grilled cheese sandwich you come up like a fucking gentleman and you take me aside don't fucking be screaming at me when i got these fucking knives in my hand

stick it right through your goddamn trachea what do you think about that huh i'll give you a fucking blowhole right out the front of your fucking neck get out of my goddamn face before i take you about your fucking hair and mush your face into this pile of shrimp huh that i haven't taken the shells off so i'll give you a bunch of little razor cuts sorry that's a good shit at mandalay bay the bad shit is we go to this fucking burger place i can't even remember the name of it we go in there and i i order a 16 dollar and 50 cent fucking Kobe beef burger and they're talking about how it's the greatest goddamn burger all you know the highest quality fucking meat yada fucking yada my girl orders one two 16 50 and 16 50 what is

that kids that's 33 bucks plus fries plus drinks all that bullshit you know the mob doesn't run vegas anymore you can't go out and get yourself a two dollar steak the whole fucking place out there now is a goddamn it's a fuck over so whatever cost me like 40 something bucks 50 bucks with the goddamn tip i eat it you know what wasn't even that good my girl's like how's your burger you know what i said i said it's good just keeping the peace keeping the water nice and smooth nice and fucking still on the horizon okay so anyways i get back to my hotel my girl already tells me she doesn't feel too good that that burger's sitting in her like a goddamn boot and i'm like you know what i feel fine i get ready to do my show iron my button down shirt

put a little conditioner in my hair what's left of it shape it up a little and i head downstairs to go work the orleans casino the last place carlin ever worked the place where the smothers brothers retired you know smothers brothers who were so fucking edgy they actually lost their sketch show during the vietnam war they did so i forget what the sketch was but they had the balls to say no to the network and do a sketch that was actually criticizing what the fuck we were doing over there and they lost their goddamn show you know i don't know about you guys but for me that's lifetime respect so anyways i walk down there and i'm going through the orleans casino and then all of a sudden it just fucking hits me boom right my stomach like some capsule some time release

cia you're going to shit your pants fucking capsule goes off and i know there is no question that whatever i just ate was not good for my body and it was about to reject it one way or the other without getting crude people when something goes into your stomach if it's coming out it only has two options all right anyways i just thought of a really really bad joke for the fucking third one and i'm not going to say it but it involved stabbing yourself in the stomach and you can fill in the blanks on that one all right so anyways um so i'm he got to be fucking you got to be shitting me no pun intended so i go in the back way the same way that carlin used to go in because i've already asked everybody

every fucking question literally so much i'm into carlin how did he leave did he hang out no he'd say good night he would go right out the door and he'd be in the car and he wasn't difficult to work with i guess he had arthritis at the end of his life and uh the sound guy was saying one show he forgot to take the bottle caps off the water bottles and he saw that carlin was struggling with them and when he got off because george i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and joe was just like what come on come on i don't give a shit don't worry just walked out i guess he was a really great guy so anyways i'm walking through this legendary door and uh you know and what's worse is like i know what's gonna happen but i know it's not gonna happen for like another 15 minutes

and coincidentally the fucking show starts in 15 minutes and i'm going on first all right and this guy when you're backstage literally says 20 minutes till showtime 20 minutes till showtime he like counts it down i never get nervous before shows but this guy counting down the show is making me nervous 15 minutes till showtime okay and it's starting to get worse and fuck it get literally gets down to two minutes before showtime and i'm questioning can i make it through a half hour set and i was like you know what fuck this the show can't start without me my opening music is Elvis Presley anyways the fuck do i care they can listen to that song i'm gonna rub my fingers through your long black hair slam your fucking face off the

fucking sink i don't give a shit and i said fuck it and i fucking ran into the bathroom and i will spare you the details but you know when something either amazing or uh something amazing happens they make a statue if something horrific happens a lot of times they will preserve the area you know like dealie plaza the fucking president gets his brains blown out all of a sudden we can't change one blade of fucking grass the horror that happened in that fucking bathroom ladies and gentlemen i never do shit jokes they should have retired that fucking bathroom that's it they should have just fucking air sealed it and just put a glass fucking door so people could look in and and realize why they closed that fucking burger joint

at the mandalay bay and uh i gotta admit dude i haven't this is it's monday i'm finally back to normal so there you go this is my big shit story i had a burger over at the fucking mandalay bay and it almost ruined my fucking show over at the orleans so if you guys saw me anybody saw me saturday night all right you want to talk about a professional because i extra fucking killed on that show if you knew what the fuck happened just know that the next time you go to vegas and you go to see barry manilow and he's singing that song mandy you something you something and you something but i still want to fuck you oh mandy right just know that he could have just been shitting his fucking brains out two minutes before he put on his rayon fucking

slacks with his horrific plastic surgery his yank back face i bet you know i was going to say he'd need another facelift if he fucking shit the way i did before my show but that's actually not true there's no strain there was no straining um anyways all right bill jesus christ enough already all right here we go um here's a question for a week uh bill let me start by saying this this question stems from events spanning over the last six years or so about six years ago at the age of 20 i was about a year and a half into what at the time seemed to be a really great relationship coincidentally my job and money situation was also doing really well um so i decided instead

of throwing my money away on rent i'd buy a house there you go this guy's making the moves he's doing well in life he's buying a house everything's good so far being that i always plan ahead i purchased a rather nice house for a first home even though i thought uh he said even thought i knew it even though i knew it was a little too much money um now i didn't decide i didn't buy this to start a family or for her i just wanted a fucking house um in the year or so after the relationship really went downhill mainly because i was working more and spending less time and money on her um okay uh long story short we split about two years later since then i've had many encounters with girls okay so let me let me fix this with my awful reading all right basically this guy's dating

a girl he's making good money he doesn't want to throw his money down the toilet paying rents so he goes and he buys a house and now he's got a nut to fucking crack every month he works a little bit more he's not spending time with his woman and it goes downhill plus he's younger that's pretty normal except the fact that he owns a house so now he's in this situation he's single he has this really nice house and this is what's been happening since all right since then i've had many encounters with girls the one thing they they have all had in common is their hatred and animosity towards my ex-girlfriend and my house i have even heard them say things about sleeping in a bed i bought with her or how they don't like it that i did all this with uh with the other girl i've

been dating a girl for about two years now and she's the same way uh she even has problems with my dogs because she says they were her dogs meaning the ex my question is this why is it never good enough well if you're a fan of this podcast you've already asked that question but i think it's timeless so i'm gonna that's why i'm reading this again am i supposed to start my life over every time i want to begin a new relationship or is it that girls really always want to have what they can they cannot have half the cunts nowadays are just waiting for some guy to put them up on a house and take care of everything but when you give them the chance the they bitch because they didn't get to pick the fucking drapes this guy's making some good points ney i'm gonna need your help here he

i don't uh i don't get it i've done really well for myself and i've done it on my own none of that had anything to do with who i was dating at the time and i hate feeling bad because i'm trying to make because i'm trying to better myself what's your take all right ney what what did you say on this you actually summed it up really well here what do you what do you think about this guy just to just to reiterate you know the deal yeah what what what is uh what is his problem i think the problem is the kind of people that he dates because i don't think that they're mature enough to like let go of the past you know what i mean it's like of course he's dated other women of course you know what i mean it's not yeah but let me ask you this if if when i met

you if i already had a house right and uh it was you know it had a little bit of the female touch to it you know what i mean right you know what i mean it's not you walked in and there was just a coffee table and like fucking a playstation you know popcorn in the cushions or whatever right i'm not saying this house looks like that but you know right yeah no if it looked like a female and i still had the bed that i used to bang the other one i mean i'll say at least you can do dude you can at least switch out the bed you know what i mean bed though i think that's a little i think that's a little much honestly what a little much to still have it yeah he's gonna buy it you know how much beds cost you know have him buy a whole new bed just because he slept with somebody else

ladies can you see why this is my girl you're the shit yeah because i mean how many when you're dating somebody and you have sex with them in their house chances are they've had sex with somebody else in their bed before you anyway so now all of a sudden it's like a big deal because no he he needs to date some more mature girls but he's been dating someone for two years uh i don't know what he's been doing i thought you said he i just focus on saying the words right yeah he says you know what you know what this this house could be like the lock the the lock the door test in the in a bronx tail oh yeah that's true yeah like if they can't deal with and they start giving me shit you give me a heave ho exactly i think they should get the heave ho

that's this is my house this is where i fuck you want in well not quite so absolutely but if anything he could you know get some new sheets or something you know what i mean oh obviously oh i'm gonna bed bath and be on i'm thinking about some new sheets you want to help me pick out some a girl would love that love it yeah there you go yeah there you go and at what point in the relationship should he do that you know because we don't like being tied down i want to send the wrong message i don't want to say that i love you but i want you to still bang me like at what point i think when it's like official date like monogamous type thing is when you can say hey let's you know okay all right it's really you answer the question don't oversell it you answer

it i was gonna say i think it's really annoying that these girls would be like oh my god i can't believe that you know this is already decorated and these are her dogs and this is her house and i can tell that hey say that's stupid that's say how say how la girls say favorite that's my favorite all right all right i think that's going to be the podcast of this week so i guess that's your answer right there and you know i'm not going to always defer those to neah but i just think sometimes you're you're really asking me what women are thinking and i i think i've done enough trashing of women and uh shut up um i've done enough trashing of them and you know that's actually a serious question here because dude you don't want to get in a situation where

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