Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-18-19

Episode Date: July 19, 2019

Bill rambles about heat waves, conference calls, and the prison system.

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Had a good time. Then I came in with Bobby Kelly. I did Ricky Gervais' podcast. I did Bobby Kelly's podcast from fucking up in the shed. I did that. I'm just knocking out podcasts right and left. You think old freckle face was going to book a movie and he wasn't going to stay noticeable in the podcast game? Whatever you kids say on fucking Instagram. By the way, I have an account you guys got to follow. This guy is fucking hilarious on Instagram. He gets footage of fights and then he does the commentating on it and this guy is fucking hilarious. Hang on a second here. I just sent it to somebody.

One of them is this naked Asian dude fucking fighting here. Post is unavailable because it was deleted. Oh Jesus. Well, I guess that account came and went. Wait a second. All right. Here we go. Here we go. It's called Crime Faces. Providing best street commentary, putting a face and a voice to current events in street. Follow us. They're fucking whoever it is is really, really, really funny. They had to delete this one because I swear to God it was it was a it was these two Asian dudes and two black dudes.

And I don't know what the fuck went down. This guy tried to say it was over some sort of food. I can't make it funny the way he did, but one of the guys for whatever reason was completely naked. And the black dude knocks out the other dude first. And for some reason leaves the naked dude. Now you'd think you'd want to do the naked guy first. Bam, knock him out just so you don't have to fucking deal with the naked guy. But he doesn't.

And then the naked guy squares off like he's wearing clothes. You know, if you ever wondered what you junk did while you were in a street fight, all the answers are all the questions are answered in this video. But this guy, I don't know what happened. Some fucking asshole flagged it. You know, I understand if it's the guy who had his dick out. Then yeah, but you should watch it. They got he's got, you know, all kinds of like just fucking hilarious commentary beyond the obvious.

Oh shit. This guy really like it's, you know, a lot of layers to it. Big fan, big fan of that one. So check it out. I'd like to do that every once in a while. The shout out to fire. You guys have some cool Instagram things to follow. One person did watch the video. She just wrote back those puke emojis.

Look at me. 2019. I'm on Instagram shouting out. I'm talking about emojis. Jesus Christ. I'm ready to go to a fucking college undercover. Right. Like Jonathan Crier hiding out.

I'm in my 50s. So, you know, at this point, if a guy in his 30s can fucking pretend to be a high school guy. Student, right? I guess a guy in his 50s can pretend he's a fucking grad student this summer. Bill Burr is hiding out. Um, anyway, we are here in New York City and there is a heat wave. Everybody. Um, I got caught in this ridiculous downpour and I was going down to the fat black pussy cat or whatever.

How are you supposed to say that politically correct, right? The, um, plus sized African American feline, um, gender neutral feline. And, uh, I was just doing like 15 minutes in front of him and I walked out of my apartment and I was like, I think it's going to really fucking rain. I bought a raincoat just for this occasion because I don't like the umbrella. The umbrella is, is bullshit. And it's basically if there was no wind whatsoever, I've talked about this. If it comes straight down, you're fine.

Okay. And if you're not walking, you're fine. But the second you start moving, everything from the bottom of your nose down is going to get soaking wet. Um, I think the umbrella is just so you can see through the rain. It's not really to not make you fucking wet. So I bought this fucking raincoat, but the raincoat is like, uh, it's no joke. Seeing that it's waterproof, it holds in your body heat and it was humid as hell. So it's like, I'm going to walk around on this thing.

Like some fighter trying to cut weight before a fucking match. And, uh, if it doesn't rain, I'm going to have to lug this thing around. So I was like, ah, fuck it. I'm all right. Right. So what do I do? I jump on the fucking train. I go downtown.

I'm listening to my music. I'm having a good time. Right. I come up out of the cellar, out of the cellar, out of the fucking subway to go to the cellar. I'm all the way over on Christopher street. Right. And, uh, cause I want to check out that famous cigar store, see what they had in there. And I fucking go out there and it's like, as I go through the turnstiles, it's just

a bunch of people gathered staring up the stairs. So that means one of two things. Okay. Either somebody really fat or physically fucked up is coming down the stairs. There's a fight, something fucked up, or it's raining. So now that I'm back in New York mode, I'm hoping it's one of the previous things. Selfishly. Selfishly.

Uh, New York makes you very selfish. You're all about the gay pride parade until you're stuck in it. And then you just like, fuck these people. Right. Fuck these happy people. Um, I'm trying to get where I'm going. So, uh, it was like, it was raining angry. So I ran into this fucking drug store and the guy's sitting there like, hey, you want

this $3 umbrella for $5? It's like, what the fuck am I going to do? Go out there and get soaking wet. It'd be like, it was raining like, you were out in the rain for three seconds. And it was, you might as well just jumped in somebody's fucking pool. And I was not going on stage with wet underwear. Fucking, you know, that happens. You walk around your pants will dry off, but you're under garments.

Oh, they just remind you. They won't let the pass go. Will they? So it's like a secret. You caught in the rain. No, I wasn't. Right. And then your fucking underwear pops up in me too.

Yeah. About the fucking weather you were in. I'd like to apologize to all the briefs I continued to wear out of my under my pants after that rainfall. If I heard any underwear during that last rainstorm, I did me too. Uh, I'm coming out of the closet. If that helps. Um, anyway, uh, Jesus, you know what they just reminded me of?

What about that fucking, I didn't even pay attention to that guy, that fucking billionaire pedophile with his own fucking island. That sounds like a cheesy B movie. I can't believe that was actually real. This guy doesn't even, he gets put in fucking jail, bullshit time, and spends 12 hours a day in his own fucking mansion. That's unreal. You know, if I ran jails, by the way, as much as I'm into punishing people,

I would stop short of no pussy. That's where I would draw the line. Okay, you want to incarcerate somebody, blah, blah, blah, and all that type of shit. But you know, there's clearly plenty of women out there that really are into guys that are into jail. So why not bring them in? Once a day, you have them come in there, you fuck them, you keep everybody relaxed. And then that's, then you're fine. No more riots, no more raping fucking, you know, some accountant whose wife asked for too much fucking alimony,

and he snapped. And he grabbed something that they got together at the Epcot Center that used to represent their love and now represents their divide, and he decided to smash it. And then he accidentally killed her, and he feels bad. And he wouldn't kill anybody else. He's not a killer, he's just a passionate, a moment of passion. And he's not going to kill anybody else unless he gets married again, and she asks for too much money during the divorce settlement, right?

He's that kind of a killer. Okay? He's like the killing, he's the murdering equivalent of that guy who his team is down 17 to 8, two outs down to the last strike, and he's still sitting there keeping score in the fucking sun when everybody else left. Passion. Anyways, you know, so then that guy goes to jail and now he's getting raped fucking seven ways to Sunday. And just, you know, if you just fucking went out there and you got those fucking lunatics a little bit of ass a couple times a week, why does it have to be straight across the board?

Punishment. You're keeping people calm, you're making the judge, the fucking, the guys who worked there, what do you call them there? The assistants? The matadors? What do you call the fucking people with the guards? Jesus Christ, I can't even think today. The matadors. Yeah, you're making their job easy.

Everybody's getting laid, everybody's fucking fine. You know? Be the easiest warden ever. Second, there was a riot. I'd just be on the bullhorn like, excuse me. Yeah, what exactly is the problem? Can the Cincinnati police explain to me what the problem is? A free rum and board and you're getting pussy six times a week? That's right, it is a good deal.

All right, well, put down the sharpened toothbrush. All of you. Thank you. Then they go back to their cells. That's right, the ward's a good guy. I know you're supposed to punish people, but you know what I mean? You're also, you know, getting everybody all fucking pent up. I mean, I know they've made a whole fucking channel out of it.

Well, now you can't turn it back because they literally have a whole fucking network. One of those channels is essentially the prison riot channel, right? Behind the bars, San Quentin. They do all that shit with the tattoos, I mean. Over here is the Latino section. Over here is the white section. It's always all these neo-Nazis, right? Over here is the black section.

Everybody's got to fucking explain stuff. See, as a white guy, I'm not allowed to go over. Yeah, I would assume that. Dude, be honest with yourself. As a white suburban guy like myself, how big of a fucking Nazi would you become the second you joined, the prison? You just have to do it in order to survive. I mean, how progressive are you that you're going to take a gang raping in your ass?

You know, I mean, would you rather do that or just fucking just, you know, just kind of go, hey, you know, white power, you know, with the same enthusiasm you do when someone does the wave, when you go to a baseball game and someone gets the wave going and you just fucking sick of it, 30 years of doing it. But you know, if you're with somebody who's bringing your nephew there, hey, you fucking get white power. White power. I don't want to get raped. God bless Hitler.

Keep your dick out of my ass. You do whatever that body language looks like. I'm sure there's some psychiatrist out there that can tell you what that looks like. All right. Jesus Christ. How did we get here? Well, this is how you get here. You don't have a guest.

You just start talking to yourself and then all of a sudden things just open up. Anyway, I've been on a big Bill Withers kick, man. I fucking can't get enough of that guy. Not his hits. I like his albums. I like his albums and James Gatson is quickly becoming one of my favorite drummers, becoming one of my top five drummers of all time. You know what's crazy?

I saw he was actually still out there playing in LA. He did some gig. I got to catch him next time he plays because I think he's like 80, 81 years old. Absolutely fucking incredible, incredible drummer. I was actually hanging with Bobby after his podcast and we were messing around on his drums and he was going, who are you listening to now? Something like that. And I played it to him.

I was saying, listen how good that sound. And I literally listening to it. I go, look at my arm. The hair was standing up. Gives me chills how good that guy fucking plays. So check him out if you get a chance. And if you're going to listen to Bill Withers, I've just downloaded. Don't get the greatest hits.

He's not a greatest hits guy. He's an album guy. Some bands, you don't need, you know, they have the couple of hits each album and the rest of it's a bunch, you know, filler, right? All killer, no filler man. Remember that shit? Bill Withers is all killer, no filler. All right.

So have it that. Have a good time. Enjoy yourselves. All right. See, look at me. I'm fixing the prison system. I'm telling you, explaining you in a very like protecting myself way, how I would become a neo-Nazi.

And you know, Instagram account, some good music. I mean, well, why do you listen to other podcasts? I basically have done everything except buy you a fucking lunch at this point. Oh, this sucks, man. I got to make a fucking phone call here. And I'm flowing today, baby. It's coming. The ideas are coming.

All right. Let's just try to see how much more I can do here before I get out of here. And then I'll have to fucking edit this thing, the thing I hate doing the most. Anyways, oh, by the way, the big gay NBA summer, honey, it's continuing. Pride month is over, but the big gay NBA summer is continuing. I don't know where I left you off, but since we last talk, Kawhi Leonard is going to be sharing a home with LeBron James, but different bedrooms. And Chris Paul is going to Oklahoma because evidently from what I heard, nobody likes him.

But you know what I say? Do you, Chris Paul? Yes. The NBA offseason is the dumbest shit I've ever fucking. It's not basketball season. And all of these fucking guys just, they're all coupling up with each other. Everybody's paring off trying to pile on a fucking team. Nobody wants to compete anymore.

I guess they got it. That's the way they got to compete. It just fucking disgusts me. You know, and Larry Bird and Magic Johnson fucking did that converse all-star commercial back in the day. They finally became friends, but they didn't join. Larry didn't join the Lakers. He still wanted to fucking beat his ass twice a year in the regular season and then four

out of seven come June. I don't know. The NBA lost me a long time ago. Last fucking 10 years ago, I said it was fixed. Everybody said I had a tinfoil hat on because I was saying a bunch of other crazy shit at that point. So, you know, in defense of them, I was a little nuts, but I was right about the NBA and they found that fucking mobbed up ref.

I said, huh? What did I say? Everybody goes, oh, it's just that one guy. Oh, is it? Is it just that one guy? Isn't it always just that one guy? No matter what the fuck happens, it's just that one guy. Arms for hostages.

Alley north. It was that one guy. Sometimes you got to watch this a prude film. This fucking bullet's flying all over the place. You know? The guy in the front seat even threw a couple of jabs at JFK and all of a sudden it's just that fucking guy who was at the movies who then conveniently gets, get the fuck out of here.

Didn't you guys ever watch that Oliver Stone movie? Get your facts straight, man. I don't know what I'm talking about here. Yeah, I just don't like this shit. I wanted to see the Oklahoma City Thunder play the Golden State Warriors. I wanted to see the rematch. I wanted to see them try to avenge blowing a three to one lead. I didn't want to see the one of the top fucking guys just say fuck it.

I guess I'll just join the Golden State Warriors. You know? Jesus fucking Christ. I blame the Los Angeles Lakers. They started this shit. Those fucking assholes trying to buy a goddamn title now every fucking year. It's just like the New York Yankees. And then everybody had to become the Yankees if you wanted to fucking compete.

And then what kills me, what kills me is the Yankees now are going Oprah. Acting like they didn't do those, those didn't do it. Now all of a sudden they're all fucking high and mighty trying to build out of their farm system. Like everybody forgets their earlier shows like the Oprah Winfrey show when she first came out. When she had the midgets running around chasing the mailman who wanted to fuck their fucking neighbor's wife or something. She did all of that shit, right? And then that one guest killed the other guest on that other show. And then she walked away like she was never a part of it.

Just stepped off. You know? Like when Bugs Bunny would be falling in some shit, right? And right before he hit the fucking ground, he would just step off it and fucking the other thing would crash. That's why he sucked at fucking physics science classes. Watched too many goddamn cartoons. They just defied all of this shit. You know what's funny is I still don't quite understand how an explosion kills you.

Like unless it just blows you up. Like how the shockwaves. How it can move air so fucking fast that when it hits you. It hits you so, I guess you go flying through the air so that should be enough. I guess because it's invisible. It's like if a car hit a guy and he flew across the parking lot and he died, I'd understand. I just don't get how air can be as hard as a fucking car and explode your insides. It's kind of like water.

Somebody jumps off to San Francisco Bridge. It's like, how did he miss the water? He hit the water. You get high enough. It becomes like cement, you know? No, I don't. I've never been that high. Highest I've been is a fucking diving board.

So I don't have any frame of reference when it comes to suicide by water. Alright, I gotta make this fucking phone call. And of course I don't have the goddamn number. Are they gonna call me? Are you gonna call me? Where is it? Ah, fuck me. This happens to me every time I have a conference call.

Are they calling me? Of course I wait till 529 when I have to do it at fucking 530. Do you guys want to listen in? You want to listen in on a conference call? About a fucking stand-up special? Well, too fucking bad. I wouldn't do that. That'd be fucking weird.

Alright, well, until somebody fucking tells me who the hell I'm supposed to call and when, I'd better not be a Skype. If it's a Skype, I'm not gonna make it, because I'm never gonna be able to figure it out. You like that? You like the lack of confidence I have? What the hell is it here? Here's my calendar date, the 18th.

530, Netflix call. Did I put anything else in there? Fuck now. No contacts, no number, no nothing. Stupid headphones are off, alright. So anyway, so I guess Chris Paul is now in Oklahoma. Their point guard just rejoined the guy with the beautiful beard, James Harden. James Harden and so and so are together again in Houston, honey.

It's like when Harry met Sally. All those years, they're finally getting back together. I can't even keep up with it. It's so fucking stupid, but it's genius on the NBA part, because look at me, I think it's stupid and I'm still fucking talking about it. Alright, it's now 531. If I don't get on the phone soon enough, does that mean I lose my special? I don't understand what the fuck happens here.

Alright, whatever, I'm just gonna get back to the goddamn podcast, shall I? Shall I? Well, you know what, there's a heatwave out here. A heatwave, burning up a heatwave. I gotta tell you, man, that still is shaking me up, just that feeling of fucking lawlessness that immediately happened the second the power went out. You know? So anyways, this is fucking heatwave here, right?

So what does everybody do? Everybody's gonna crank up their air conditions and just add to the global warming. You know? The fucking thing about global warming is the only way that we're gonna fix it is if we get comfortable. Oh, there it is. If we get uncomfortable. Alright, I'll pick up that thought in a minute. Alright, anyways, picking up where I left off.

There you go, just like that, through the magic of editing. I just took a conference call over at Netflix, and guess what? Guess what? They're very excited about my new special. And you know what? I've been in this business long enough where I can tell the difference between phony excitement, phone in and in excitement, and real excitement. So they are.

And so am I. I can't wait for this thing to come out. So we were just discussing strategies. What's the best way to get it out there with all the eyeballs, the way people consume products these days, the way people consume assets. That was all that type of shit. And like Netflix, they always end up blowing your fucking mind with the algorithms and all this stuff that they come up with. So I was listening to that for like the last half an hour.

And I am very optimistic. I'm gonna go to the usual places and then some new places to try to expand my comedic borders. Anyways, I was talking about global warming though, wasn't I? Once again, I already solved the aggression problem in our prison systems. Because obviously the fear of getting raped in the ass is not stopping people from fucking committing crimes. So they're gonna do that anyways. Then they're gonna get raped in the ass and then they're not gonna be happy, you know? Or they're gonna rape somebody in the ass and they're gonna cross that line.

Which will make them even worse person. And who's gonna pay for this in the end? The guards. Right? And considering most of the prisoners seem to end up getting back out on the fucking streets. You know, why don't you fucking... Some of these fucking women, you know, they wanna fucking hook up with these guys. They're writing them letters and shit.

Bring them in every once in a while. Some of these ladies out there, they need a little prison court. Right? There you go. Solved. Bring the testosterone down. Service these ladies out here in the general public where free law-abiding dick is just not getting the job done. These ladies, they wanna feel a little danger.

Alright? They wanna feel a little danger in a controlled environment. Just picture what the inmate fuck on a leash. You know, when a fucking dog runs to the end of the leash back in the day. And his fucking legs would swing out. You let the lunatic just runs at the chick and his body can't fucking make it. Right? Well, I guess his arms could.

Unless he's got a fucking monster dick that'd be longer than... Alright, so there's things that need... Okay. You tie his fucking... His fucking arms behind his back. Right? He's got on a colored leash. And it's like, alright.

There's a bunch of women down there. You run down there. You get to the end of the fucking thing. You gotta have a fucking heart on. And go. And then he fucking runs down the other thing with his fucking arms tied behind his back. He gets to the end. Alright?

Then any chick that likes him just backs into his dick. That's it. You just put him in like a dick stockade. Like instead of your hands and your fucking head, it's your dick and your balls there. And he just... He just stands in that fucking thing. He gets serviced. And then that's it.

It's fucking over. Everybody's tested. Everything's fucking fine. Everybody's chilling out. There you go. Or just do a fucking glory hole. Glory hole. All these fucking unemployed people, okay?

You know what? Most of them have them coming. They have hands. Right? So you get them. You get them some gloves. They get in there and they just fucking crank out. You do it like whatever.

Like you're fucking... I don't know. You're, you know, caddyshack, polishing a fucking golf ball. Jerk off a couple of fucking people and keep the prison safe. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how to fucking work all of this out. I'm just saying.

There's got to be a way to do it. Right? Make people less fine. You know? It's really weird, you know, when you pitch ideas to yourself because yourself is just going, yeah, man, this all makes sense. And then you just go to the next level. And the next thing you know, you just talk yourself into a corner where it's like, did

I just suggest that they have glory holes in that fucking unemployed people who never committed a crime? Like their only option out of that is fucking to go jerk off a fucking inmate through a hole? I mean, Bill, what happened to your hole? Let's get these fucking bankers that caused the 2008 thing. Let's go after these corporations that have kept us in this never-ending fucking war where we got plenty of fucking money for that. But for some reason we won't help the firefighters from 9-11 who are suffering.

Have no funding for that. No fucking funding for that. Gimme a fucking break. Fucking assholes. Lion pieces of shit. It's a fucking land grab and you're going after the natural resources. You don't give a fuck about anybody else but yourself. And then if we question it, we're not American.

We're fucking socialists and we should fucking leave the country. Is that how it works? There we go. Now I'm back on track. I'm sorry about all that fucking glory hole stuff. I don't know. Sometimes, you know, you start talking, you know, and you don't know where you're going to go. Anyway, so let's do a little advertising here.

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You know what they're trying to do? They're going to get you to brush away your gum so they can do some periodontal fucking work. That's why you got to get the quip brush, because if you do it with a regular brush, you're going back and forth. You know what I mean? With your hand holding onto the fucking thing, like the way, the same movement you would be doing in a glory hole to help one of these prisoners out.

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of thousands of happy brushes use quip every single day. Quip starts at just $25. And if you go to getquip.com slash burr right now, you'll get your first refill pack with a quip electronic toothbrush. That's your first refill pack at getquip.com slash burr, spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P.com slash burr. All right, I think I've done the required minutes. Thank you to everybody that pre-subscribed to get Steve Gorman's new book, Hard to Handle, The Pre-Order.

I'm telling you, I've read just about every rug biography out there. Jaw-dropping. Jaw-dropping fucking stories. I had no idea. No idea. You go to a show, you think everybody's getting along, you think everything's going well. You had no fucking idea. Even if you're not into music, you should read that fucking book.

It's tremendous. You can pre-order it. I tweeted the link. It's in my thread, whatever they say. Definitely check that out. And this weekend, I got a show in New Jersey on Saturday night. There's a few tickets left. So old freckles stay ship.

And as of tomorrow, week seven out of 10 is over on the movie. And next week, next week is the big week. We actually get to where the firefighter stuff. We fight a fire as firefighters do. And we're already laughing knowing the day that we decide to do it is going to be the hottest fucking day. And so we're already taking bets on who's going to bitch the most, who's going to fucking pass out and just make a complete fucking mockery of what it means to be a fireman. So it should be a lot of fun.

All right, that's it, everybody. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And enjoy the music here. And then there's another half hour bonus material here from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday Morning Podcast from a few years ago, from a couple weeks ago. I don't know how Andrew works it out, but it does. All right, see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 18, 2011. Keep in mind that Jesus Christ has died for us. Why is that song in my head? I still remember the guy who sang it back when I was a lad and I went to church. Oh, Jesus. I'm going to tell you guys that shit. I was actually an altar boy.

I dressed up like a little angel. And I sat there and I rang the bells. And I, what did I hold? I held some sort of something when people took communion. I hold that little gold spatula. In case I don't know what, the little wafer fell out. That represented the flesh of another human being, which if you really look at it, it's pretty fucking disgusting.

This is the Monday Morning Podcast and I'm taping this Sunday night. I'm recording this by myself in a hotel room in a wonderful downtown San Jose. I just wrapped up my weekend at the San Jose Improv, obviously. It's like I'd be working the one in Houston if I was there. You ever just hate yourself? I just really hated myself in that moment for even attempting to make that joke. Oh, fuck you. Are all your jokes good?

It's just the Monday morning. Every fucking joke is funny podcast. I never said that. You got to have the bad ones so that you can compare them to the good ones. You wouldn't know what a fucking good joke was if I didn't tell such a bad joke there. Stand down, mister. You all grumpy at me because you forgot to crack your windows and now you're sitting there in your car and your dashboard is all fucking hot.

You're all heated up so now you're giving me shit. I don't need it, buddy. I don't fucking need it. It's beautiful downtown San Jose and it's a really lovely town. It's a town that really, I don't know, there's a big time misdirection with this town because it looks like Mayberry but you can get fucked up at 10 in the morning in San Jose. And this is, I'm just, I don't have any evidence of that. That's just the vibe.

I don't know what it is. They've got all these great stores, all these great restaurants. They have a trolley. Okay. I'm a classic white guy. Nothing makes a white guy feel safe like a trolley. The second we see a trolley, I don't know. We start picturing butterflies and flowers and a gazebo maybe.

You got a trolley. That's quaint. You know? How am I going to get fucked up in such a quaint atmosphere? Well, I don't know. I don't understand San Jose. They have a fucking homeless problem out here. The likes of which I haven't seen since the last time I went to San Francisco,

which is oddly right up the street. Maybe they took the trolley over. That really made me laugh. I hope you enjoyed it because I sure did. Anyways, anyways, some of the, I'll tell you something right now. You know, fucking San Francisco and San Jose have some of the dirtiest, most filthiest fucking homeless people I've ever seen in my life. I was talking about this on stage tonight.

I might as well share it with you, right? I understand you're homeless. You live outside. I understand that you're going to be dirty, but these fucking people, it's like, it's like they walked out of the dust bowl. I don't, it doesn't seem possible to be as dirty as these people. It's like dirt. It's not grime from the city.

They have like clay on their face. They look like Boxcar Willy, like old school homeless. Like, it's like they walk outside the city. They find a bunch of dirt. Is that my phone ringing? It's probably somebody telling me to shut the fuck up. I'm being too loud. Watch this.

Hello? Hey, I'm doing the podcast. I thought you were the person in the next room over telling me to shut up. Say hello to the podcast listeners. Did you guys hear that? I couldn't even tell. All right, let me, let me call you when I'm done with this shit. Okay.

All right. Bye-bye. Um, I could have hit pause. Anyways, I was talking about those dirty, filthy ass fucking homeless people. It's like they go outside the city. They go into the woods and they just roll around the dirt and then they come back in. They're fucking horrific looking. But I had such a great time here.

I'm telling you, you got to come down if you're anywhere near San Jose, downtown San Jose. Now that I have shit all over it. Um, the improv, it's at this beautiful old theater. I remember last time I was here, they were saying how old it was, how Charlie Chaplin used to perform there and, you know, Buster Keaton and all these guys. And of course it's haunted, right? They're always haunted. Um, but no one can ever get it on video.

So anyways, I don't know. The just amazing crowd showed up all week and I had a great fucking time out of it. But I gotta tell you, this place creeps me out. You know, I was, I took a walk. There's this great new drum shop out here. San Jose pro drum shop, I believe. I went down there and it was like a mile away from my hotel. So I decided, all right, I'm kind of sick of working out.

Jesus, look at the fucking tits on her. Wow. Wow. Jesus Christ. Who the fuck is that? It's Kate Upton. Who the fuck is Kate Upton? Channel 112.

Sorry, I got the TV on in the background. What a fucking wreck. Oh God bless her. Jesus Christ. Anyways. Oh, let me talk about what's on the TV here. Planet of the apes. The prequel is on.

It's coming out. It's coming out in fucking, I don't know, in August. And I was all excited to see this goddamn movie. Remember when I hyped it a few fucking months ago and I was saying how insane this looks and how I can't wait to see it and guaranteed it was going to be a blockbuster? Then I found out it was PG-13. And I was like, you gotta be shit.

How the fuck are apes taken over the world? PG-13. Can somebody explain that to me? I was saying that to Nia. I don't want to see it now. She goes, what do you mean you don't want to see it? I go, I don't want to see it. She goes, why?

I say because it's PG-13. She goes, so what? I go, it should be rated R. She goes, Jesus Christ, what do you want to see? Monkey's fucking. I butchered it. I wish she had said it on the podcast. It would have been the line of the fucking week.

But can you guys back me on that one? I'm still going to go see it, but that means like rather than having like showing what a monkey can do to you. You saw it happen that lady. She got her face ripped off. They're not going to show that now because it's PG-13.

They fucking alligate her armor because they want to try to get families to go out and go see it. Can we make the apes a little less angry? Can we just, this is like the industry notes. They probably showed up with this awesome rated R fucking script. And then the goddamn suits just butchered the shit out of it. I'd like to say something.

I'd like to contribute something even though I don't have something to add. I just feel like this meeting's going to come to a close and if I don't speak at this moment, there's no way for me to justify my desk. Ah, they've ruined it. You fucking cunts. Anyways, I'm still going to go see it.

Can somebody, any listener out there, please explain to me how if apes overran the fucking world, how the hell that would be PG-13, even if they just showed the footage on the news, you would have that guy going, just to warn you, this is very graphic. You'd cut it to a bunch of people getting their fucking faces ripped off.

PG-13. Let me guess, there's going to be one nice ape, right? It's going to save James Franco. Then they're going to probably sing a duet by the end of it. That's a PG-13 movie. You know, have some fucking balls, PG-13. That's pussy rated R. Alright?

And if I was ever elected, okay? If I was ever elected, that's one of the first things I would do away with. Aside from hunting down bankers, I would have like legal, you know, I'd have like deer hunting season, I would have like banker. You know, killing me to shoot him in the ass with a BB gun.

Just something. Some sort of a pushback on our side. So anyways, what the fuck was I talking about here? Oh, San Jose. So I'm out here, I'm having a great time. There's dirty, filthy, fucking homeless people. So that's right, let me meander back to where the hell I was about five minutes ago.

So I'm on my way over to the San Jose pro drum shop, and I see that it's like a mile away. Alright? So I'm not into working out anymore. I think it's fucking stupid. I'm into exercising, staying active, stretching, walking that type of shit, but sitting there lifting weights,

going on an elliptical for an hour, doesn't make any goddamn sense to me. I think in the short run, it makes you look good, but all you're doing is wearing out your joints. You know? If you quit eating quarter ponder with cheese, you don't have to fucking go on that thing. Look at people back in the day how goddamn skinny they were.

They didn't have any ellipticals. They fucking ran around outside with their dog until it got rabies, and then they stuck it in an outhouse, and eventually they made the oldest kid shoot it for some fucking reason. That's what they did. They didn't sit around eating cookies the size of your face. So anyways, I'm like, this shit's only like a mile away,

so I'll walk over there. I'll see what they got, and then I'll walk back. That'll be a two-mile walk, and then I'll go get a salad like a fag. And that'll be my day. I'll be all right. So I walk over there.

I don't have any problems. All right? Have a great time. The fucking drum shop is beautiful. All kinds of people over there helping me out. Had a great fucking time. I bought some drumsticks, and I left. And on the way back, I'm on the phone.

I'm making some calls. I'm making some moves, because I'm a player, right? I'm calling whatever. I'm talking to some fucking person, trying to figure out why I didn't have more media here in San Jose. That's basically what I'm doing. And as I'm walking down the street,

all of a sudden I see this fucking lady walking towards me. All right? She didn't look like she was on meth, but she didn't look like she wasn't on meth. She didn't look like a hooker, but she didn't look like, you know, maybe she didn't suck a dick every once in a while

for 20 bucks. She's one of those maybe people, right? So immediately, my inner sort of defense system kicked in. The first thing, when you look at somebody crazy, you kind of look to see if they have a weapon. And once you see that they don't, you then kind of maybe glance around

to see if they have a partner, right? No partner, coast is clear. And then there's the last thing you got to worry about. Don't get scratched. So I'm walking and she's fucking diagonally coming towards me as I'm on the phone. She's going, excuse me, sir. Well, actually, let me do it correctly with the audio.

She's far away walking towards me. Excuse me, sir, sir, excuse me, excuse me, sir. And I just keep walking right by her. Sir, excuse me, excuse me, sir. And I walk right by her. You know, just blow her off. Just keep fucking walking. Trying to figure out why I didn't have enough radio

to sell more tickets here in San Jose. And then all of a sudden she yells at me, you can at least acknowledge me. Which, of course, kicked into my temper and I immediately turned around. I was like, I'm on the fucking phone, right? Which immediately struck me as funny because that conversation used to only happen indoors.

That was like an indoor conversation, but now because of technology, the fact that I was walking on a sidewalk under a fucking overpass, I can actually scream I'm on the phone. And it felt like oddly intimate. Like I had a relationship with this person. You know what really pissed me off was,

at that point, when she got me to flip out, she completely ignored me. So now I wanted to be acknowledged. And she totally turned the tables on me. Which, I gotta tell you, is one of the easiest things to do is turn the tables on somebody who has a fucking temper. That's happened to me my entire goddamn life.

And I'm in a very torturous part of my life where, you know, back in the day, I didn't realize that that's what was happening. So I had that ignore it as bliss moment. But now it's a torturous time because I am completely aware of what a fucking fool I am. So if you're listening to this lady, congratulations to you. You won that round.

Oh, and speaking of ladies, how about the World Cup Women's Final? Did anybody watch that? It was fucking devastating. As a fan of U.S. women's soccer, that I became when I found out that they were in the finals. I gotta tell you, I went down to a sports bar and I had an unbelievable time watching that game.

It was a fucking awesome game. It was heartbreaking and that type of shit to see them lose it. And a lot of hotties on the team, too. A lot of fucking good-looking girls with little thick thighs and their fucking tanned up legs. You know, I was hoping they were going to win it, but it wasn't meant to be. And congratulations to the women's soccer team from Japan.

You guys played an awesome game. You never said die. You came back. And I gotta tell you, that fucking corner kick scored that second goal. How do you defend against that? That was fucking insane. Insane goal.

And, you know, whatever. Obviously, I'm rooting for the U.S. ladies, but if anybody was going to win it, it was good for Japan, all the shit that they've been through this year. So now that I've patted them on the back, I have to ask the Japanese people a question. What the fuck was with all those Teen Wolf haircuts

all the women had on your team? Can you explain those fucking haircuts? Like, five of them. I swear to God, every time I saw it from behind, I thought it was Michael J. Fox. Unfucking believable. There's no excuse for it, either. Back in the day, you know, if you lived in the middle of nowhere

or you lived on the other side of the world and you weren't up on what the style was, I could see you having a Teen Wolf haircut and not realizing that the last person to have that haircut was, I think, maybe Dennis Miller on one of the last episodes. He kind of got away with rocking the mullet for a long fucking time, that guy.

But now there's the internet. There's really no excuse. It wasn't all the ladies on the team, but there was like five of them. It was like, what the fuck? I don't know. What was I supposed to do? Just 100% congratulate him? Get yourself, everybody gets shit on this goddamn podcast.

As did I. Somebody gave me shit on Twitter, said they came out to see my show, so I saw Bill Burr at the improv, and it was one hour of the exact same joke. I somehow missed the funny part. And I gotta tell you, that one really stung. You know why?

Because I think she was right. I just fucking went off on this goddamn tirade. I don't know what my act is right now. It's just like, I've come to the end of Trashing Women. I'm just sick of doing it. I had one show where I just started on this fucking Trashing Woman thing, and I don't think I pulled up the entire fucking show.

I'm sure a lot of guys liked it, but I could really see it. Actually tonight, I think I had one of my most balanced shows of the weekend because of that woman's criticism. I think she was 100% right. Because I kind of thought back to my act, I was like, well, for the first three minutes, I wasn't Trashing Women,

and then for the next hour and 12, I think I was. Guilty as charged, everybody. Oh, so anyway, speaking of sports, did anybody watch the Espeys last week? Anybody watched those, or watched them on Wednesday? Me and Paul Verzi. My friend outside of this business and within the business,

they saw me on a lot of East Coast dates, right out to about Minnesota. I think it was DeRosa. What the fuck was the furthest west I've gone with him? I don't give a fuck. Let's plow ahead here. We actually submitted some jokes. We were sitting there going, you know, we're always joking around about sports.

We're always breaking each other's balls. I had an in. I knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who knew Seth, and I said, fuck it, let's submit some jokes. We actually got a couple on. I was psyched. I had some tickets. Me and Nia went down. I went to the Espeys, everybody, like a fucking big shot.

You know what's funny? I actually got to walk the red carpet, and there's all these giant fucking, and it was awesome. Walking a red carpet is as awesome as you would think it is, and except when no one knows who the fuck you are. Then you feel like an asshole, you know? Fucking walking like Dirk Nowitzki standing there.

Just want to fucking NBA championship, and I'm like, I'm playing the San Jose Improv next week if anybody cares. I tried to make an excuse that the reason I didn't hang out was because it was too sunny. I didn't hang out because nobody knew who the fuck I was. If they knew who I was, I would have standing there running my fucking yep. But anyways, we ended up going inside, right?

You know, it was awesome. I don't bug people for pictures. You know, I just don't do that shit, but Dr. Fucking Jay. Dr. Jay was sitting about five rows down, and I was in the middle, and I was like 20 people to the right, 20 people to the left of me, and he was sitting right on the aisle because, you know, he's got long legs,

and also they want to cut to him when they're shooting people. And he was standing there, and like a bunch of fucking nerdy white guys like me were walking up, and he was shaking their hands and getting that picture, and I'm just sitting there going, that's Dr. Jay. I got to do it. I got to fucking, are you kidding me? That guy, like this entire ESPN is standing on his shoulders.

This is the original guy, the original winner of the fucking dunking contest, the original guy who took the game above the rim, the best fucking Afro, the guy who saved the ABA that caused the ABA to combine with the NBA, the best fucking nickname, those Celtics 76ers series of the early 80s, some of the best basketball I ever saw,

Julius Jams Jinx, remember that cover of Sports Illustrated when they got by the Celtics, that fucking 1983 team, foe, foe, foe, I got to get a picture with this guy when I finally said, fuck this, I'm doing it. Right as I stand up, the announcement was, attention please, everybody shut off your cell phones,

your word show is going to be getting just a minute. And then he sits down, I was like, fuck. All right, fuck this, I'm going to get a shot. I'll get a picture with him at the end of it, right? And then all of a sudden the show starts, Seth Meyers comes out, and now I'm sitting there all nervous, going fuck, because I had a feeling, you know, that maybe we were going to get a couple on.

And he ended up doing two jokes, and thank God they both did well. And I don't know man, it was a rush, it was definitely a fucking rush, I was always wondering if I could write for somebody else, first of all if I could do it, and then secondly, how I would, would I be bummed as an egomaniac comedian

that I didn't tell the joke, would it bother me, and it didn't? I actually, I got like a different sort of thrill out of it. I was so fucking nervous, I was like, oh my God, what if I write him something and he says it, and it bombs, you know? And then he's up there looking like a jerk off because of me. You know what I mean?

That's like accidentally shooting somebody in your own platoon. And you got to fucking live with that, you know? So thank God they did well. And I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the show. And then the end of the show comes, I'm like, alright, I'm going to get this picture with Dr. J, and there's like 20 fucking people to get to the, I have to try and step over.

They all stand up at the same time. And you know, he's Dr. J, so he just gets ushered out. And I keep thinking that I can somehow zigzag through people, and I just see his fucking silver afro, it's not an afro, it's cut down, you know, short now. And he's like 6'6", or whatever, and I just watch him slowly disappearing into the crowd, and then it was over.

And he didn't get the goddamn picture. I didn't seize the day. But I ended up being a great night. And you know, I don't know, being a verzi with like two little girls all excited that we actually got something on there. So there you go, there's a happy story. How about that?

Every week I'm always fucking angry on this goddamn thing. And you know, look at that, that wasn't actually, I believe that that might have been the first feel-good story I've ever told in the podcast. How did that feel? Did it make you feel uncomfortable? Alright, well let's get back to trashing people then. How about that? Here's something for you, like, I don't know what all the fascination is

with redheads are lately. I don't know if it's because South Park did that kick-a-ginger day, but like, I've never felt like more of a freak in my life. There's just all this shit coming out. You know, somebody sent me an article that says, do redheads need extra anesthesia? And evidently it said, it goes, it's bad enough that redheads, and then they go, or gingers, as our British friends call them,

since when have they been our friends? You should just say, or gingers, because South Park made that fucking mainstream. You don't give credit where credit's due. Alright? Actually, you know what I kind of like that they actually say that that's a British word, because I always get weirded out when people say that,

because it sounds like you're auditioning for lock stock and two fucking barrels, whatever the hell the name of that movie is, because I've always known that word over there. And to hear fucking people in, like, Indiana use that, you know, considering they've never been to Europe, it always strikes me as funny. You know, like, I don't know where they're just like, hey, I'm tapping them on it to you.

So anyways, it says, bad enough that redheads may one day be extinct. You know, what a way to start it. Right off the bat, evidently, we're like dying out. Ah, Jesus, can you imagine being the last one on Earth? I thought I had a bad childhood. Holy shit. Now we find out that people with red hair need more anesthesia than other people do.

Okay, what the fuck? Like, I don't already feel like enough of a freak. I get it. I don't look like other people. I'm one step away. Like, albinos don't get as much shit as redheads do lately. All right, a 2002 study conducted by researchers at the University of Louisville, Kentucky, and I guarantee you nobody from Kentucky

was doing that research. That's all people from smart states. They couldn't get a job at other schools, so then they go to Louisville. There's not one smart person in Kentucky. I guarantee you. How fucking relaxed. I'm giving you shit. I know this smart people. What's his face? Muhammad Ali was from there.

One of the quickest minds of all time, right? Anyways, proved what anesthesiologists, doctors who oversee the administration of anesthesia, like we didn't know what the fuck that was, have believed for some time that redheads are more difficult to knock out. Okay, as much as that's stroking my ego, like we're stronger than you fucking pigment bastards,

how the fuck did they figure, I like that, that they prove what doctors who administer anesthesia have believed for some time, that it's harder to put redheads under. Really? You care to tell some stories of some horrified, freckle-faced people waking up during the middle of a fucking apendectomy?

Did I say that right? Researchers at the University of Louisville chose 20 test subjects, all women, all ladies aged 19 to 40. 10 were redheads and 10 were brunettes. The dark-haired subjects were in the control group. Now you just lost me, what the fuck does that mean? You just said there were 10 redheads, 10 were brunettes.

The dark-haired subjects were in the control group. I don't have a science background, what does that mean? The redheads are too wild, you can't control them. The research, does that mean it's harder to roofie a redheaded woman? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Ah, some Persian psycho. Just sitting there wondering how many's got a dropper to fucking drink.

Oh Jesus Christ, fuck you, let's blow a head. Here we go, at all 20 women were given, oh who gives a shit, I can't even read half this stuff here, dysfluorane, a common gas anesthesia. After the anesthesia took effect, the researchers gave each woman electric shocks. Jesus Christ, are we in a recession or what? The fact that people would actually sign up for this,

would you give them a Walmart gift card? What was the average amount of teeth of the people in this 19 to 40 fucking group of women? How many were actually pregnant and you fucking looked past it? Well, they're in the first trimester, it's okay. After the anesthesia took effect, electric shocks using a voltage which a conscious person would have found intolerable. If the subject could feel the pain, the researcher increased the dosage of dysfluorane and continued to administer shocks until they got no response to the shocks. Dude, what year was Joe Kennedy around when they did this?

Did they give somebody a fucking lobotomy at the end of this? The researchers' findings showed that the old anesthesiologist's adage is true. Redheads do require more anesthesia. In fact, it took an average of 20% more. See, I could have fucking told you that. All those pasty face mix with their fucking red hair drinking down the pub is all you fucking Calypso bastards have passed out underneath the fucking bar. We knew that.

Anesthesiologists have a dangerous job and it takes a large degree of skill to properly put someone. I don't give a fuck about you guys, it's all about me. So there you go. I can't tell if I find that complimentary story or what. I don't know, just like I already felt weird enough. Thank you for sending me that. If you guys can send me more information about redheads that makes me feel like more of an outsider, I would really appreciate that.

Oh, by the way, I actually have Breaking Bad on in the background on mute. I've already seen this episode because I was lucky enough to get an advanced copy here, but I have it on mute because I want them to get credit. You know, you only get credit for fucking viewers as if they watch it live because if you Tivo it, the advertising companies are like, well, look, when people Tivo shit, when Tivo shows, they just fast forward through the commercials. So we're not paying for that. So I don't know.

I don't know why I decided to tell you that maybe because it was a way I could all of a sudden bring up the fact that it's going to be on episode three. Please watch it this season, everybody. It's the best fucking show on TV. And you'll get to see me for a couple of seconds. Wouldn't that be nice to put a nice face to these happy words that are coming into your fucking ears at this point? All right, let's plow ahead with the podcast. All right.

Oh, hey, by the way, I have gone as of Saturday, nine months without booze. I'm trying to go a year, people. I'm three fucking months away. This is my part of my cleaning up my life thing. All right. I've gone nine months with no booze. I've got myself to the point where I don't fucking lose my temper in the car anymore. You know, if you walk down the sidewalk and you yell at me, you run your own on that one.

But, uh, and now I have gone a little over 24 hours without watching online porn. So, yeah, that's the next demon I'm trying to get out of my life. Oh, it's going to be great. I'm just going to go all the way back, gradually go back to the innocence of who I was when I was a kid. And then what's great is because I'm an adult and I'm an ego maniac. I'll then find Jesus and I'll start preaching to you guys on this podcast as if I wasn't a complete piece of shit for the last fucking 15 years of my life. Yeah, so, uh, yeah, I'm trying to stop watching online porn. You know, I'm going to try to go old school.

I'm going to try to use the old fantasies, use the old noodle, right? Little lips in for you, little brain games. Hey, anybody out there know a good website that has spelling tests? I want to become a better speller. I'm just sick of being a fucking moron, you know? I was trying to write jokes this week. The amount of shit that, uh, for the SBs, the amount of fucking people that I can't, I can't fucking, uh, the words that I just cannot spell is, is beyond me. I'm good with the little ones, you know, like fuck, cunt, you know, shit, you can't get on TV.

But, uh, like words like apparently, which is a great word for a monologue joke. Zabba-dabba-duh, ba-duh, ba-duh, ba-duh. Apparently, yada, yada, yada, right? You got to be able to spell apparently if I'm going to have any sort of fucking career. Oh, Jesus, Phil. I just drove this podcast right down a fucking alley. I'm sheared off the side view mirrors. Is it going to be garbage cans blocking it?

Let's go to this next thing here. Um, oh, here's some information. Tiger Woods, somebody sent this in. Tiger Woods' wife is back in action. Tiger Woods' ex-lady is back in action. Heartbroken, Ellen Nordrigan. How the fuck you say her goddamn name? Heartbroken.

She's heartbroken, everybody. She got a quarter of a billion dollars in the divorce settlement, and she has her own island, and she has the fucking nerve to be heartbroken. You know, what is with these brats? You know what amazes me about women who marry unbelievable men like Tiger Woods or Sugar Shane Moseley, right? Men of unbelievable accomplishment. Men of astounding achievement. Men who are in the record books. What their sense of fucking entitlement that they have to the spoils of the pressure that their husbands dealt with is just fucking beyond me.

I get it. Tiger Woods, you were married to the lady. You cheated on her. She's pissed. She wants to have her fucking, uh, you know, she wants to go her separate way. She wants some fucking money, but the fact that she feels she's entitled to that much of the fucking money and she never had to sink a putt. What do you think would happen to her if she was standing on the goddamn, wherever the fuck, I don't golf, wherever you tee off, the tee off spot, right? It's not the green.

The fuck do you call that? I'll meet you at the, uh, the thing. But the little balls there that you tee off for the fucking tee off place. Can you imagine if she had to tee off in front of a, not only millions of fucking people, you got like 300 people on either side of the fairway. And if you hook a slice, somebody's going to die. She could never handle that pressure. She's worth $250 billion, a million dollars. She's a nanny.

She's a fucking nanny. And she, she got half as much money as Jerry Seinfeld got for creating and writing the greatest sitcom of all time. And what does she do? Sit around a pool, French fucking manicure, pedicure, getting your hair fucking highlighted, you know? So anyways, evidently she's heartbroken, everybody. Yeah, forget the people in Japan. That's that, you know, what would they know about heartbreak, you know? Sure, the tsunami, whatever.

This poor woman, do you know, I gotta tell you something, you know what it is? It's most people in Japan, they live in smaller houses. So I think the problem with is that Ellen, she has to live in these gigantic houses by herself so she feels way more lonely. So that's why I think she's, she's so much more heartbroken. So anyways, heartbroken, Ellen. I don't even know her fucking name because she's never achieved anything in her life. Nordergren, Nadi Gran. She's found love again, everybody.

With wouldn't you know it, a wealthy American investor, James Dingman. Ellen, who divorced cheating golf great, Tiger Woods, you believe that? All the achievement that Tiger Woods, all his accomplishments, his first credit now is cheating. How about greatest golfer of his generation, winner of 14 majors and known cheater, Tiger Woods. Following a divorce, Tiger Woods, following a series of scandals with multiple women has dated, has been dating Dingman. And this guy is the son of a billionaire, Michael Dingman. She's been dating him for months. Friends say Jamie is an accomplished emerging market, markets veteran who has represented his father's interest in China for the past six years.

In the mid 90s, he specialized in Russian private equity funds. He also owned an Indy car racing team sponsored by World Childhood Foundation, a charity founded by Queen Sylvia of Sweden. The charming bachelor has previously dated Bridges Moynihan, I don't know the fuck that is, mother of Tom Brady's baby. He was linked last year to Princess Mandoline of Sweden. See, you know something? I don't know if this Ellen is a genius or if she's a fucking moron because if she thinks this guy isn't going to cheat on her, she's out of her mind. Hey Ellen, you want a faithful guy? Why don't you start with someone who can't afford a private jet, who can fly thousands of miles away from your pussy and your eyeballs? Why don't you start with that?

You know, what is your prerequisite for jumping on a cock? They have to be a billionaire? Huh, you gold diggin' whore? How come you can't find love if some guy works in a warehouse? I don't know, you know what she's going to do? She's working her way up. You know what Ellen's basically doing? She's sucking the right dicks. I've got to tell you that. She's just, this is genius. So Tiger was a billionaire. She fucking walks because he banged some fucking chicken or hooters. So she says, alright, to hell with you. And I'll take, let's see, even though we have a prenup and I'm only entitled to five million dollars, let's work it out and I'll get a quarter of a fucking billion. So now she jumps to another billionaire. This lady, she doesn't even fuck with billionaires.

So now she's going to this fucking poor bastard, right? She's going to get her hooks into him. And you know, that'll probably last another six years or whatever. Then she's going to get another 250. Right? She's worth half a billion. I figured at that point she'd maybe be like 35. Maybe she can slide in another fucking billionaire. You know, that'll be another 250. She's worth three quarters of a fucking billion dollars. She invests her money, right? She gets 25% on that. She's a billionaire. She did it. There you go, ladies. That's how it's done. If you're not going to choose love, that's the way you do it. You know what the greatest thing about all of it is she'll be paying it as a victim the entire time. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. How come it doesn't say heartbroken gold digger?

Ellen Nordragren. Ellen. Why don't you go fuck yourself, huh, lady? All right. What else do I got? Yeah, this is a brutal week for guys. Sugar Shane Mosley is getting a fucking divorce and he's got to pay all this fucking money out. All right? And his ex-wife is getting his championship belts. That's one of the cruelest things I've ever heard in my life. And she's trying to play it off. Well, I'm just keeping them for the kids and the kids will get them when they're 18. First of all, no, you're not. All right. That's passive aggressive horseshit. You're trying to break the guy. That's evil vindictive horseshit for you to take that.

And secondly, the kids didn't put their life on the line in the fucking ring so they don't deserve them. And if they do deserve them, it should be fucking Mosley should make the decision because he's the one who put his life on the line. You fucking, what did you do? Let me guess, you supported him? That's your big entitlement. Oh my God. Let's just plow ahead here. Let's try to have something a little more sunshiny. You know, I encourage women to write into my podcast. I've been begging you guys for like the last six months to a year at so I can balance this out because I don't want to keep trash women. It's just so fucking easy. So here we go. I got this woman wrote in. Thank God a woman wrote in. Please write in trash guys. I know we're morons. I need, I need balance here. This is as balanced as MSNBC or Fox News.

I want to smooth it out here. Here we go. All right. Some lady wrote in. All right. Toilet. Bill, I have a question about men in their bathroom habits. My husband and I have a great relationship. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary and are very happy. Well, congratulations. Congratulations. You have something most people do not have. You have a happy marriage. Marriage. Sorry, I got the hiccups. Anyway, she said the only things we ever seem to argue about are manners and housework. We come from different backgrounds and we're raised differently regarding manners. He doesn't believe, he doesn't believe that manners are important while I do. We both had to adjust to this and it has certainly been a process.

My standards for living have been lowered and his have been raised. We're somewhere in the middle at this point. He has really made an effort over the years in terms of cleaning up after himself and not being gross. But the one area that has always been a problem is the toilet. At first, he rarely put the seat down and it drove me crazy. He's wicked smart. He went to Harvard and always philosophizes his way out of arguments. His main argument for leaving the toilet seat up is that it isn't fair. Women and men are equals, blah, blah, blah. He also likes to use the argument that gay men probably leave the seat up all the time. I'm an interior designer and have several gay male friends and they all say they put it down because who wants to look at the inside of a toilet?

The last thing I could say about it was please just do it as a favor to me. He said he would and I believed him. A few weeks ago I was taking a bath and I left the door ajar because he worries I'll drown or something if I lock the door. Look at that. He's a great guy. He's concerned about you. There's a lot of people that could give a shit. She's in the bathtub with the door ajar a little bit. He suddenly came in and sat down on the toilet in front of me. I was stunned and asked, are you pooping? He said no. He was just peeing.

Now he's peeing sitting down and insists that this is normal for men. This is where we are right now in the toilet seat argument. He thinks he's being considerate but really he's just super stubborn about the toilet seat. He also has no problem of going to the bathroom in front of me and I wish there was more of a boundary when it comes to the bathroom in general. This idea has infected my brain so much. It just seems so unmasculine to me to see a man peeing sitting down that it's now to the point that I think it's attractive when men pee standing up. So Bill, what do you think? My husband loves your podcast and listens every morning. Yadda, what do I think?

He's a great husband. He loves me, takes care of me, makes me laugh and he's gorgeous but the toilet issue weirds me out. Alright, where to start? First of all, this whole toilet issue, this whole tradition that has basically been started. I don't know where it began but how if the man leaves the toilet seat up, he's the biggest fucking asshole on the face of the earth, I don't understand it. I don't understand why we are required to do it. I've never heard a woman give me a good argument as to why. They say dumb shit like so I don't fall in the toilet and it's like that's my fault you fell in the toilet.

Who in their right mind drops their pants and sits on something without looking at what they're sitting on? Do you want to stand that? You're out of your mind, that's on you. Like why is the toilet have to be totally set up for you but I can go fuck myself? How come when you're done with it, why can't you lift the seat up? If anything, it's easier for you to put the seat down than for me to put it up. I'm working against gravity, you know? And it'd be one thing if you said, oh here's one for you, if you want them to put the seat down. Because this is what's really going on.

You've nagged them enough and it's annoying him that he has to put the fucking seat down. Alright so now what he's doing is what he's actually, he's brilliant. He knows that peeing sitting down is weirding you out. He's doing this passive aggressive shit where he's like alright you want the seat down, fine. I'm going to start peeing sitting down like a woman and make it all fucking weird for you and then I'm going to act like no no this is more efficient. I like it, I'm enjoying this shit. He's playing the only card he has. I think it's fucking hilarious.

This is my advice to you, if you want him to go back to peeing standing up and putting the seat down, basically your dream bathroom situation, why don't you give up something? Why don't you say okay, if you do that for me, I will do this. Why don't you say like look if you go a month straight and always put the seat down, after 30 days I will give you the most insane blow job you've ever had in your life. Why don't you do something? Instead of acting like you're fucking some sort of royalty and that everything should just be set up for you. I agree with you, that's fucking weird, it's weird for me to picture him sitting down

but I think he's doing it in this passive aggressive way which is fucking hilarious to me. There you go, that's what I would say. Blow him once a month as long as he keeps the seat down. That's my solution. God bless you and congratulations on your good relationship. Alright, moving on. Hey Bill, I was just watching the news and saw this lady who cut off her husband's dick and then threw it into the garbage disposal, turning it on as she did so.

Why is this behavior shown in women? Let me see, why is this behavior shown in women? I mean a guy would have just left her wife but women have to set your stuff on fire, cut up your car with keys, if you're in an argument with them, if they don't like what you say, they turn into a banshee and start slapping and cursing you out. Many decent guys have to sit there and take this shit, take it until they have had enough and the female can't... I'm sorry guys, I'm really butchering this.

Oh this is how this guy wrote it. Unstill, that's not even a word dude. Let me just try to plow through this. The guy has had enough and the female can't take this shit anymore. That's when shit like cutting off dicks, setting your shit on fire, scarring up your car and slashing the wheels in your car come into play. Do they think this is normal shit to do? And yes, I know a lot of women would never do these things.

But they would agree at their little pussy pal meetings going, Honey chill, she did the right thing. Uh huh. This fucking person's writing dialogue for me. Yeah well, I mean they're held to a different set of standards, both good and bad. You know, they're held to a different set of standards as far as sex goes. They go out and did half the shit you did, they're whores, you're a stud. And when it comes to stuff like this, yeah they get away with it.

Um, I don't know why, I don't know why they do stuff like that. They're very uh, I don't know, I have no idea. I mean I think you're hard pressed to find a guy who hasn't had his shit attacked by a woman. You know, I mean obviously if a woman cheated on me, I would be upset. I'd scream at her, I'd call her a bunch of names, call her a fucking whore, but I would never think to destroy her car or throw all her hooker way around into the fucking yard and set it on fire. You know why? We can't do that shit because when a guy goes ape shit like that, they call the cops and we get arrested. Dude if you call the cops and they show up and your wardrobes on fire,

they're gonna have all they can do to not start laughing because they know why she did it. Because you fucked around and they're both their dirt bags too, so they're all going like, ah you got caught didn't you? It's like that guy thing, we just fucking laugh. There's no solidarity amongst guys, we just, we fucking laugh. I think that's why it is, but um, you know I'm gonna go out on limb here, most women aren't gonna cut your dick off and throw it in the garbage disposal. You know, that woman is a fucking maniac. And uh, you wait, I can't wait to see that trial to see what she gets.

You know, she's gonna get off, she'll get off somehow, just be like, it was a crime of passion, she was a little bit crazy, oh my god she's just a girl, she'll probably do like six months. Alright, let's go to Overrated Underrated for this week, I gotta wrap this podcast up because I'm trying to get this thing up before midnight and tomorrow's a travel day for me. Overrated Underrated for this week, these are great by the way, Overrated Nurses. I gotta be careful on this, I have some friends who are nurses here. My wife and I just had our first baby and she was in labor for a day and a half, day and a half in labor, God bless her.

I noticed as we went through about four shifts of nurses that every single one of them at some point managed to cram in how difficult their job was and how they're underpaid. Have to work long hours and don't get any respect. My wife is in excruciating pain and I haven't slept for two days, so perhaps you feeling the need to nail yourself to a cross every time you carry your bloated ass down the hall to dole out an aspirin is falling on deaf ears, Jesus. We were right outside the nursing pen when those hogs sat around, those hogs. What a great word, sat around the whole night cackling at shit jokes

and knocking down crispy creams as they padded each other on the back. Granted, I would have blown my brains out if I was stuck on the graveyard shift with that herd all night. Can we give this guy a round of applause for the amount of different creative ways he's been able to call these women fat? Bloated, hogs, and herd. You have a future in writing, my friend. Anyways, I'd blow my brains out if I was stuck on the graveyard shift with that herd all night, but it didn't exactly seem like the toughest job in the world. What really killed me is how they would go on to bitch about the doctors

and how the doctors were all arrogant and don't know anything. I really felt like telling them. I get that both you and the doctor have papers hanging on the wall, but the difference is that his are medical degrees from Stanford and Princeton and yours is an honorable mention from a community college and a Ziggy cartoon from 1989. Let's just say MD gets the tie and move on. What makes them overrated, here we go, let's get to the point, is that you can't call them out on their bullshit because although they don't do much,

they can make your life miserable while you're there. Instead of going off on them, I sent my dad out to refill their slop bucket with a couple dozen chocolate glazed, underrated doctors. I know they get respect already, but they deserve more. No exaggeration. We spoke with the doctor for 10 minutes. She came in, looked at our charts, did some stuff on a few machines, then laid out three choices and recommended one.

45 minutes later, we had a healthy baby girl. Dude, that's fucking hilarious, but I got to defend nurses and they do work their asses off and that type of shit, but I think a lot of it was your emotional, but you are making some point. If they're sitting out there cackling about shit jokes, eating donuts, then Jesus Christ, did you deliver your fucking baby in a precinct? That sounds like a bunch of cop jokes to me. All right, here we go, overrated. Hey, this ties into the other one, peeing standing up is overrated.

It's a real pleasure in the middle of the night to leave the lights off and pee sitting down even during the day and you just want to sit down for a minute, sitting down while peeing is awesome. What is going on with the fucking men of this generation? Thank God Oprah went off the air, maybe we can fucking, Jesus Christ, something. Here's another thing, if I was fucking president, I would get one of those old B-52 bombers and I would spray cities with like male cologne, some sort of germ warfare to make guys a little more fucking, I don't know, what happened to us? We did great right up until the 80s.

All those hard castle and McCormick ridiculous testosterone shows where everybody had like a fucking cool car and they were banging a bunch of women, hairy chest and a fucking medallion, what happened to those days? Everybody's awkward now, acting like you're 14 on a first fucking date. I can't relate to anybody on TV anymore. Anyways, underrated, jerking off to non pornographic material. Oh, this will help me out. I almost find it more enjoyable to jerk off to someone, off to a thought of some girl I saw at a store

or to jerk off to some random girl I saw on TV. Then he loses all confidence like he's a freak and starts yelling at me. Don't you even dare say you've never done this, burr. I know you go back to your hotel room after a show and jerk off to that big-titted whore in the front row. Hey, dude, listen, if this is what you want to do, stand by it. Don't try to drag me into your fucking world. I'm actually right there with you. Fucking yelling at me.

Overrated, going to the beach or boardwalk. Guess what? It's the exact same as it was the last 50 times you were here, but more expensive with more assholes. Isn't that the truth? Underrated, trips to another city is underrated. There's always awesome shit going on in every city up and down the east coast that you haven't done to death. Catch a game at Camden Yards. Check out one of the dozens of free museums in D.C.

You haven't gone to since the eighth grade. Eat a cheese steak where they sign the Constitution. See a random show at the Comedy Cellar. Walk the Freedom Trail. Actually, don't walk the Freedom Trail. Visit Sam Adams instead. That was a good one. Underrated, going into work hungover.

This guy's like, this is amazing because I don't think I could do this. He says going into work hungover is underrated. You'd be amazed at what you can accomplish with half a functioning brain and a bad attitude. I'm one of those people that under normal circumstances would lose his dick if it wasn't velcroed on. But when I'm hungover and at work, I can get done in three hours what usually takes me three days. Maybe it's that I subconsciously don't give a fuck and want to go back to bed, but I swear. I always drink like a sailor the night before I have to do a big project or go to a big meeting.

That's a new one, dude, if it works for you. Last one, overrated, trying to bang girls you work with. I've tried this twice. One time it ended with me putting my hand into a telephone pole out of frustration from her being a manipulative whore. Yeah, but dude, you took the bait. You took the bait. I'll get back to it. I'll finish reading this.

Seriously, most girls who will come across as easy at the office oftentimes are filthy cunts who end up fucking a traveling soccer team. And then all you hear about at work is how they have crabs in their pisses green. Instead of banging girls at work, I'll stick to low self-esteem girls who go to Starbucks and movies alone. Dude, that thing where you punch the telephone pole, I hope you learned something from that one because you're making yourself the victim there. These manipulative whores, you're giving them all the power. Just know that they're manipulating you. Don't allow it to happen. All right, figure it out.

Don't lose your temper like me and scream I'm on the phone. All right, advice, and then this will be the end of it. Hey Bill, I need some advice on picking up this chick. I saw her a few weeks ago at the gym and she has huge fake boobs. I've never grabbed huge fake boobs. I want to grab huge fake boobs. She's always wearing really small low-cut shirts. Of course she is. She wants to show off what she's got now.

Whenever I see her, I get home and I have to jerk off and not mild jerking off. I mean double-handed shit. It looks like I'm giving myself the Heimlich but my dick is in the way. See ladies, this is why I want you to write in because this is getting really fucking blue. This is like the ninth conversation about jerking off and I know you're all sitting there with your nose wrinkled up and your brow furrowed. Would do something about it. See this is what I need Nia to come in and fucking rescue the podcast like she did last week.

But I'm on the road so there's nothing I can do. I gotta plow through this. So anyways, he said today I finally talked to her at the old drinking fountain. This is the fake titted whore here. We're chatting about how people didn't work really hard at the gym and I complimented her on how hard she works out. Then he says, yeah, I know it's cheesy. Fuck you, Bert. It's true. And I had to say something. Why is everybody coming at me? I didn't say it was cheesy. You fucking lost confidence in it.

So anyways, he said when I told her, when I told her it, oh the compliment, she tilted her head and said, oh, well, well, thanks. Oh, Jesus. So that's like one of the worst responses you can get. She said it as if I was a five-year-old giving her a flower. Some of you guys really ought to start doing stand-up. These are like a ridiculous level of funny. These last couple here, man, are really written well. She looks like she's probably older, maybe mid-30s while I'm 22.

Oh, Jesus. Okay. During our conversation, she said that she was so tired from the weekend, so I'm guessing she might be a partier. Very good police work. I'm not saying you're right, but I like the way you're thinking. You're trying to put the pieces together. I don't really party, but I'll smoke crack, sniff coke, and shoot heroin into my eyes as long as I can play with those little baby toes glued to the end of those watermelons she calls boobs. Yeah, that's disgusting.

I'm not sure if she is single or not. The proof I have that she's single, she has no wedding ring. But we're at the gym, so she may have taken it off. Proof that she isn't single, her titties are the size of Kelsey Grammer's head. Help me grab them titties for a night, Bill. All right. Okay, here we go. Where do I start with this one? Okay, so you're going after...

I need a little more information. She's obviously the girl with the big fucking fake tits, so she's wearing all those tight outfits, and she's probably going into the weightlifting room bending over and doing all that shit. Does she also wear a lot of makeup when she works out? I think if she wore a ton of makeup when she worked out, she actually might have talked to you for half a second, because that would have been a whole other level of low self-esteem.

But I don't know, dude, this is a hard one, because you're a lot younger than she is. She already gave you the, ah, well, thanks. So, obviously complimenting her is not the way to go. I think you got to fucking just sort of strike up... Now that you talked to her, just get into it. This is what I would do. Get into a whole fucking...

Every time you see her, you say what's up to her. Talk to her a little bit, but you got to have that, I don't give a fuck attitude. I don't know, dude. I might have... Fuck, I don't know. See, this is why I might need knee on this one. All right, you know what, you know what it is? Because I'm using your jump off point,

where you already said, like, I really like, you know, you work out really hard, you know? Then she goes, ah, see, right there, when she said, ah, well, thanks, I would have said, ah, jeez, all right, I blew it on that one. I need to adjust it. So what the fuck would I do? How the fuck did I...

I don't know, what the fuck would I do? That's a hard... I never did well with those kinds of girls. I think this is why it's fucking me up. I'm trying to blame you, but I never did well with those girls like that. Big fake fucking tits, just screaming for attention. I never did well with them, so...

And I got to tell you, dude, you know what's overrated? Big fake tits, they're fun to look at, but it's not like, when you touch them, you can feel the fucking bag in there. At least the last time I did it. So last time I touched a pair of fake tits. Big fake tits was probably... Jesus, a long time ago.

Maybe like 10 years ago, actually touched them. But they've come up to me like when I'm in Dallas, and they press up against you, you know, and they're taking pictures after the show. Dude, they have something alien in their fucking tits. And I tell you, they only look good when they're covered up. When they take them off, they're just standing there, staring at you.

It's weird. Titty shouldn't have a circle at the top. They should fucking hang down. They should be fun, you know, and move with the ocean. They should be sitting there looking at you like they're judging you. Um...

I don't know, dude. I don't know, I need more of your background. I got to know what's your background. What, you got anything going on in your life? Anything you can invite her to? Like, I have nothing but the normal shit. Make her laugh, and then steer the conversation towards sex.

I really, I don't know how to approach a fucking woman like that. God damn it, you stumped the fucking, uh... I got diarrhea in the mouth. You absolutely stumped me. I have no fucking idea. I have no idea, but take this into consideration. There's a bunch of big titted whores out there.

Alright, so you struck out with that one? I don't know what to tell you. Can I say that for another 10 minutes? I got nothing. Hour and five minutes in. Alright, YouTube videos for the week. You know what? Fuck it.

Why don't you go right up and ask her? Start talking about her tits. You know? Just go up and be rude. Put your gym membership on the line and just walk right up. Hey, how's it going? Just next time she comes walking around the corner

with her big tits, just react to them. Jesus Christ. You fucking... You're trying to hurt somebody with those things? Whatever. Just get it going with that. Get her giggling, laughing. I would just go down that with just no respect.

No respect for this woman. No respect for any sort of sexual harassment or anything. Fuck you and your big fake tits. They're right there. They're in my face and I'm talking about them. Alright, I got an angle. I don't know if it's going to work,

but that's what I would do. Next time, next time. Something like that. Jesus Christ with your big tits. Are you serious? Excuse me? What? Your big tits.

The fuck? Fucking got to go home and jerk off every time. Can you wear a... How about a hoodie every once in a while? There you go. There you go. Fuck that jerking off part. You'll creep her out.

Go that angle. Address how big her fucking titties are and then just act like you're overwhelmed. Can you put a sweatshirt on and have them difficult fucking working out? Maybe go that route. This is like writing monologue jokes. I'm just throwing shit against the wall

trying to find something funny. Start with that. Alright, fuck her in a big goddamn tits. This is what I would do if I would you rub one out before you go to the gym. Alright, so your balls aren't full. You know? Telling you dumb shit in your head.

So your balls are empty. You're thinking fucking clearly. Alright? You know what it is? Her tits are like the bully at school. They're bullying you right now. And you're getting in your fucking head and I'm in my head

and I even know what this bitch looks like. Alright? So I think it's time you stood up to the bully. Call her out. Call her out on her big fake fucking tits and her little outfits. She knows what she's doing. Then I come up and I compliment you

and you give me all thanks. You should have fucking... Did you see that fucking punch or tease through? When he missed the Orioles pitcher where it wasn't a hook and it wasn't an uppercut. It sort of looked like a Kentacovie sidearm pitch. That's the way you should have slapped her fucking tits.

Coming at a fucking 35 degree angle. I'm sorry, brother. I got nothing. I really... If anybody has an angle, if you can help this guy out. Man down! Man down!

Alright? We need to help this guy out. That's what this podcast's about. Making you laugh on Monday. Helping you out in your personal lives. This kid wants to touch some fake titties. I got nothing. Help him out.

Alright, YouTube videos of the week. You gotta go to theMMPodcast. You gotta go to theMMPodcast.com. We got all these lined up. These are the funniest goddamn... What we've had in a while. These are fantastic. So you don't have to go to YouTube

and search all of these. You just gotta sit there and walk. You can just, you know, blow right through them in your fucking cubicle like you're working doing market research. Whatever the fuck you're supposed to be doing. Alright, YouTube video of the week. Frankie and Johnny.

It's this furniture store. And this is one of the greatest commercials I've ever seen in my life. You know, like when a local store, they can't afford professionals. So they have the employees do the commercial. This is what they did. And these people are fucking brilliant.

Jetpack fail. I know a lot of people saw this already. I actually watched it on the Jimmy Fallon show. It's awesome. Wild catty. You gotta see this. This is actually a 59, for you guys, gear heads out there.

It's a 59 Cadillac. Two door with the giant tail fins that somebody tricked out down in Australia. And the really interesting thing about this car is cause it's in Australia. I've never seen it. It's a 59 Cadillac with the steering wheel on the right hand side.

It's fucking, it's insane. And the console in the middle is a replica of the tail fins on the back of the car. This car has, I don't know, it's gotta be, it's definitely $200,000 car, the amount of money this guy put in the car. It's fucking insane. Here's another great one.

Restaurant owner bans kids. It's a local news story. This guy, he just banned kids under six, six years of age cause they make too much fucking noise. And the guy, he's unapologetic. All these moms are complaining. He goes, no, you know, I don't, I don't, I understand that it's your kid

and it's the center of your universe, but it's not the center of our universe. Basically said, go fuck yourselves. And it was great to see somebody stand up against the backlash. Fuck you, they make too much noise. Why you bring them to this restaurant? Fucking sitting there with applesauce in their hair.

They don't even appreciate what the fuck we're cooking here. These people are like, well, we always go here. I don't know where else to take my kid. Take him with Chuck E. Cheese. Take him to McDonald's. Why don't you make him a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich if you're concerned about his health.

Oh, here's a great one. Sox fan grabs a boob during a Red Sox game. I got this one from OP on OP and Anthony. It's just fucking great. They cut into a couple of fans and then, you know, they go, oh, look at those two nice couples and the guy just reads over and grabs his girl's teddy and Jerry Remy fucking loses it.

It's just fucking hilarious. And then George Michael Saxophone guy. Phenomenal. Just this guy playing the saxophone. You could just go look at him. I can't describe why they're funny. And here's another one I want to add. Bobby Kelly's scared.

OP from the OP and Anthony show. It's just fucking awesome. The noise OP makes is hilarious. We're going to have that video up there. And then there's another video where OP and Joe de Rosa. Joe de Rosa, the teen idol sensation from the OP and Anthony program try to scare Bobby Kelly and they completely botched the job.

And both of those clips. And if you're online, listen to the OP and Anthony show. Get an XM player. I don't have any of the fucking information, but it's the best radio show for my money out there. And before I leave, and wrap up the podcast, I want to thank everybody who's been making the generous donations.

We have a donation button on the mmpodcast.com. It helps me pay my web guy. It helps me to reinvest, you know, all that type of shit. It also gives me some walking around money to say thank you to everybody who's clicked in. I'm really blown away by all the donations that I've got. And that is it.

That's the podcast for this week. Everybody have a great week. Please watch Breaking Bad again next week. It's on 10 o'clock on AMC if you can. I know you guys are busy, but if you can watch it live, it just helps their ratings. Not that they need help,

but why not have some more people on it? I believe I'm in episode three. Possibly episode two. I don't know. I think it's episode three. And I'm beyond excited to be a part of that. And once again, thanks to Seth Meyers and everybody at the SBs for letting me and Paul Verzi

submit our jokes and actually doing our jokes. It was a big thrill for both of us. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. And how about those Pittsburgh Pirates? I almost forgot. Pittsburgh Pirates.

It's 1979 all over again. Now, if the fucking Orioles could just catch the Red Sox or the Yankees, that's my dream world series. It's my dream world series. I want to see the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Orioles have a rematch. And I want the Pirates to go back to those

yellow on yellow with the yellow fucking hats. Kent DeCovey to throw out the first pitch. Maybe John Candleria. I hope the fuck you say his name. The Candy Man. Back when baseball was great. Alright, that's the podcast.

I'll talk to you next week. Music Burning down the house My house It's all alone in there That's life Don't wanna hurt nobody Sound mix

Sweep me up I'll see Burning down the house These are the copies Of support that you have Bats in the building Everything stopped again I don't know what you expect

Stabbing in your dark abyss I'm flying with fire Music Burning down the house Music Burning down the house Music Burning down the house

Thank you Music Music