Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-18-24

Episode Date: July 19, 2024

Bill rambles about Bob Newhart, generations, and Teddy Atlas. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (32:05) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Mark Guiliana - Just Listen

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in Checking in on you Just checking in on you Jesus I am late today I had a busy morning and all that shit. I went out last night Trying out some new stuff, just hacking it up. Oh yeah. When you put together a new while, when you got nothing. Okay.

I mean, I got nothing when I got something, if you know what I mean. But now I got nothing, nothing. I take all rules of hack, I throw it away. I was doing shit about Trump. You know, that's amazing thing about the fucking news cycle is even that already seemed old. Like talking about him getting he just got he got fucking shot. You would think that that would last. And I'm already feeling this kind of fucking yesterday's new when I was a kid. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you kid something back in the day when I was a kid.

Getting shot in a political campaign. That meant something. Whoever took the picture when I don't know how to say it. I always say a Pulitzer surprise. Uh, uh, you know, the big fucking award. If you, if you're, if you're if you're a birdwatcher cameraman right yeah you would get that thing and now it just it just seems like you know like his handlers are probably thinking i wish this i wish you know it didn't happen but

if it was gonna happen i wish it happened closer i still don't buy it. I'll be honest with you. I just don't think anybody's on the fence when it comes to Trump and Biden. They are very polarizing people. And I just think, you know, whoever you're with, they could literally, you know, be fucking, you know, punching a baby and you're still going to vote for them, not because you even like them, because you hate the other person so much. Not because you even like them, because you hate the other person so much. So I think for the sanity of the company, the company, the country, just fast, just fucking do the election now. So stupid, they keep doing these debates. They're talking about golf, Jesus Christ.

They're two fucking crazy old people. Just fucking get it over with. That's how I look at it, right? You know what I mean? But no, it's a dog days of summer with politics too. Anywho, what else? Oh, sad news, but also inspiring news because he lives so long. The great Bob Newhart passed away today, I believe. He was 94 years old.

Just one of the greatest to ever do it. And I'm sure they're posting all these things about him online. And then young people are just like, this was funny. And just trashing him. No, it was fucking hilarious. And it was groundbreaking. He did the one way conversations that was like what first got him to where he was. He had these amazing comedy albums that were like number one

on the charts in the early sixties. He kind of broke right after Lenny Bruce. Look, this is how far back this guy went and it worked with all of those guys, Mort Sall, Woody Allen, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, all of this stuff. And then he went on and did the Bob Newhart show, which was just this incredible show. And it was the first thing that kind of, you know, did the whole, you know, you have a psychologist sitting with a, you know, a circle of crazy patients. He kind of came up with that comedy premise that is now done to death and seems hacky, but he was the first guy to get there doing it. Then what was it? He did the Newhart Show, which had the greatest callback of all time. This is for younger people. They don't know. So when he did the Bob Newhart show,

he played a psychiatrist and he was married to this actress. I forget her name, but she was like, I dunno, I, I had a crush on her. She was smoking hot and uh, you know, that was in the seventies. And then in the eighties he does, uh, Newhart. So from the Bob Newhart show to New Heart and that show also made it into syndication. And then he, I didn't watch that one that much, but he played, he owned like a hotel up in the woods. That people, like a bed and breakfast that people would come to. And then there was the crazy locals. I'm so and so, this is my brother Darrell and my other brother Darrell. there was the crazy locals. I'm so and so this is my brother, Darrell, and my other brother, Darrell.

That was the thing. And the way that they wrapped up that series for the longest time was thought to be the greatest finale of all time, which is they wrap up the series and it just cuts to him lying in bed. And he's in bed, the bedroom of not that series, his first series, if that makes sense. I don't know how to tell this, it's such a twilight zone.

He wakes up in bed next to his wife from the first series for the second series saying, I had the craziest dream. I dreamed that I was running a hotel in the middle of the second series saying I had the craziest dream. I dreamed that I was running a hotel in the middle of the woods in New Hampshire. She's just like, oh, Bob, go back to bed. And it's just wild. That like blew everybody's mind. Like I said, this is also, you know, 40 years ago, them wrapping that thing up. And anyway, just a lifetime of amazing comedy. And I actually got to meet him two times. And this is something I've noticed about people that live into their 90s is they stay up on what's going on and

I think I was with Bob Saget rest his soul and he goes I'll introduce you I got on this and he goes No, no, he probably knows who you are. He pays attention to stuff. And I went up and I met him. He goes, oh yeah, yeah, I've seen some of your stuff. And he mentioned one of my jokes. I couldn't believe it. And I found, who else have I met that was really old and was like that? Norman Lear was another guy that I met

and through Bob Saget, because he knew all of those guys. So I was at Bob Saget's 60th birthday party. He goes, let me introduce you to Norman Lear. I couldn't believe it. I smoked a fucking cigar with him, insane. And I was saying like, what did I say to him? I said something along the lines of like, you made some of the greatest shows of all time.

And then he immediately corrected me. He said, still making, still making. He goes, I got a series coming out on Netflix. He was 96 or something. So, that's kind of something that I learned through those two guys. And then also my grandmother, who lived forever. My grandmother was all up on all the new gadgets. She kept her car nice. She had a house. She then downsized to a condo when my grandfather passed away. And she, you know, she kept a few things from the past, but she always had the latest gadgets.

She was always up on stuff, always watched the new shows, listening to the new music. She kept living. And it's funny, you know, you younger people, you youngsters, you kids there, when you go online and you see these older people talking about like, oh man, I was so lucky to be alive in the 80s. I'm so happy I grew up in the 90s. And then they just start shitting on your generation. Those are the people that are going to die in their sixties and seventies. Because they're, they're already getting like bitter. They're already like, you know, their perspective that, you know, when I was a kid, it was the greatest. It's like, no, it was the greatest because you were a kid.

Not because it was great. The eighties weren't great. The eighties were great if you were a kid, but they weren't great. There was an unbelievable recession. The stock market crashed in 87. The CIA was pumping drugs into the inner city to keep non-white people down. That's like legitimate. That's not like conspiracy theory. That's like been declassified and all that.

There's a lot of horrible shit going on. New York City was like, I mean, you could buy a building for like 10 bucks. It was a fucking escape from New York. It was really bad. But if you were like 18, 19 years old, it was fucking amazing because you were experiencing all things for the first time. Like in my generation, a fucking iPhone was when you got a bike, you got a bicycle and you could get the fuck away from you. You could expand your universe or you, you, you got a license.

You bought some shit box. Um, and it was amazing. The eighties were amazing. The seventies were amazing for me because I was a kid. So if you have half a fucking brain, you realize that the 2020s are fucking amazing. If you're a kid. So what I learned from my really Bree, I mean, I talked to both of them like collectively, maybe seven minutes is that they were still living life and we're still excited to meet new people and we're still excited about new shows and that type of stuff. I remember I did a show, I'm name dropping all over the place, but this is, I hope I'm doing this for the right reasons here. I did a benefit and one of the performers on it

was Tony Bennett and he knew everything that was going on. First of all, he sounded like he sounded in the 1960s still. He was amazing. And one of the cast members of Community was on the show. What the hell was it? It was at the Beacon Theater. And one of the cast members Joe McHale Was on the show and I was talking to him because we were both laughing going like Jesus Christ

Like the lineup was was I've talked about this show before it's the most legendary show we were on like Max Weinberg was like the musical Director had this big band John Stewart hosted Tony Bennett opened and then Bruce Springsteen and then Joe McHale had to go on. It was so, it's just going like, dude, what the fuck? And they also auctioned off Bruce Springsteen's guitar that he had just played. I remember Bruce going like watching Tony going, I can't follow this. So then he went out there, he was sliding on his knees and jumping on the piano was fucking insane. But anyway, what I really remember from that Was Tony Bennett went up to Joe McHale and asked him if he could get a DVD of the latest season of Community and

He was full of life Like all of those guys. Paul Anka another guy like I went to go see Paul Anka that guy has more life in him than the average 30 year-old. I was on a plane one time and I swear to God I sat next to Frankie Valley. And it was one of these things I'm looking going. I know this guy somebody he just has this vibe man. He's looking too cool and all of that night and I thought it was one of these things I'm looking going I know this guy's somebody he just has this vibe man he's looking too cool and all of that and I and I thought it was him and I googled him and

it was him. I remember when we landed how easily he got up he was well into his 80s and he sprung up like he was still in his 20s so as much as I admired Bob Newhart's comedy and everything when I met him, what I really was blown away by was how excited he was to still be living. Um, which is a great thing to have when you meet your heroes. You don't want to meet them, you know, and they have, ah, you know, you can't, you don't know how to write jokes today and all of that fucking shit that I'm watching these, you know, these idiots from my generation talking about the young people now going, oh, you never would have survived the 70s and 80s. Like we went to a fucking war. It's like, what would we do? We were riding around on bikes, you know, rotten crabapple fights and snowball fights. What the fuck are we doing? We weren't in the Marines. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? This generation's actually in the middle of fighting

this never-ending war and occupation in fucking Iraq, which is more than my generation ever did. So I don't know what they're talking about. And then also, like, when they do that dumb shit going like, you know, kids from the 80s, and they show us doing something, kids from now, and they show them on like fucking these electric scooters and shit, it's like, we would, kids from the 80s, and they show us doing something. Kids from now, and they show them on like fucking these electric scooters and shit. It's like we would have been riding those things if they existed. I rode one of those things in old dads. They

were fucking amazing. I had such a good time on them. If I wasn't so paranoid about putting my information out there, I would get an app and I would fucking zip around on them. They're funny shit So anyway speaking of my generation I Stumbled upon an amazing documentary that just came out last month on Hulu It's called Bratz and it was about the Brat Pack in the 1980s, which is what this group of young actors were branded by one writer for New York Magazine

or something like that. And it was produced and directed and all done by Andrew McCarthy, who was one of the actors that got branded that. And I never realized what they had gone through. And I also never realized that, you know, they were sort of the first generation of actors where there was like, Hollywood started making movies about young people from young people's perspective. So they needed

young actors you know I mean they had done stuff they there was like Teen Idols and stuff like that but it wasn't to the level and it also wasn't done as as well because John Hughes the way he was able to write in the teenage voice and I guess from watching that documentary one of the actors was saying that he was open to like improv or whatever But you should really check it out if you're from my generation or if you're Younger and you're interested in it. It was this amazing thing where it was just this young group of actors. They were making movies They were like 21 22 years old. They were at the top of the industry and

they just were having one hit after another. And then one of them got interviewed and the interviewer who really seemed like he was envious and jealous of him, even though he's only a little bit older, he was like 29 years old. And he saw these kids 21, 22 years old and they were like movie stars and women wanted to be with them. And as he mentioned, you know, they didn't have to stand in line. And I just think he came from this envious place. It's really wild because in the end of the documentary, Andrew actually interviews

the guy that really torpedoed all of them and just lump them all into one thing and just made it seem like they didn't care about acting and they were just these spoiled fucking brats and they weren't what it really was it really had nothing to do with them when i watched the interview i kind of you know i'm obviously biased here being a performer because You know a lot of the times you find when people write negative stuff about you You know, you have to be man enough to be like, all right That wasn't my best performance or maybe that wasn't the greatest movie or something You got to be able to take those hits Which I like to think that I do but then a lot of times

It's it has nothing to do with you. It really just has to do with the writer, their political agenda, maybe something that you said that got into their feelings or maybe they just fucking, I don't know, they just like don't fucking like you. And like, that's kind of the vibe that I got from this guy that he was really envious of them and he was 29 when he wrote it and like you know that's so that's an age where you you you you're like wow my 20s are over I'm gonna be 30 and I remember being 29 looking at kids that were 21 22 and I was envious going fuck man I wish I appreciated being that young like you know they have they have almost a decade before their face and turn in 30. It was like the first time of like really feeling like old.

And you also feel like advertisers are just advertising to them. And like you start to feel irrelevant in this weird sort of media way. You know, for my generations, like we grew up and then there was MTV and then it just seemed everyone was just so fascinated with my generation and wow, we're so fucking interesting. We weren't interesting. We were young and we had money and they wanted to get it. So they were just advertising us. But then all of a sudden, you know, grunge comes out and all of that shit. And then I'm like the fucking old guy all of a sudden. And it was like, you know, the first time you, it's weird dealing with aging is like 23, 24. Like I'm out of college. I'm like the fucking old guy all of a sudden and it was like, you know, the first time you It's weird deal with aging is like 23 24. Like I'm out of college. I'm in the real world

Nobody gives a shit about me as far as like advertising. There's I don't have to go to school ever again it's sort of this weird like Like wow, what the I have to go into the real world. What the fuck am I doing? So I just feel like this guy was looking at them going like, wow, these guys are- Men and women are 21, 22, they got the whole thing ahead of them, and he really just came from an envious place. So when Andrew goes to interview him in the end, he used this, you know, the guy stood by what he wrote. I don't want to ruin it for you, but like, I just wanted to talk about this one thing. He, he, is he sitting across one of the people that

he really hurt. He just sort of, emotionally, like, if that's even a word, passed it off as collateral damage. And I thought that that was like the perfect term for someone in his position because they don't... He didn't view Andrew as a person, more as a thing. You know, that's that weird thing where when you get known, you stop being a person, you become like a thing. And people just, okay, what can I do with this thing that's going to elevate me? So his thing was to do basically a fucking hit piece and rip them down and like try to elevate himself by like, hey man, you know that that group of actors that you're all enamored with? I'm over here saying I don't give a fuck about them. And

it was really at the end of the day, I felt the article was more about where a guy 29 years old in his career was and was starting to settle into his life and who he was going to be. And I don't think he necessarily liked it. And then he went down one night. If you don't like your life, I don't think you want to hang out with Rob Lowe in 1985. I don't think that's going to make you feel better about your life. But it was a really an amazing documentary.

And I'm hoping that all the actors that are in it and everything realize like what they meant to my generation and the highest esteem that we still hold them in. So if you want to check it out, it's really fucking, it's really cool and it was it was really done well and you know, it was funny. I went on Hulu and I saw that St. Elmo's Fire was on there. I was like, fuck, I haven't seen that movie since it came out. So I put it on and of course my kids were being loud so I had to shut it off. And when I shut it off, I saw this documentary. I'm like, oh my god, god what is this and it totally lives up to the totally lives up to the hype so check it out if you get a chance over there on

Hulu all right and with that let me do let me do some I got one read here mercifully only have one read it's hymns everybody guys sometimes intimate moments happen spontaneously and we always want to be ready so we can perform in the bedroom. Right yeah you don't want your fucking cock at half-mast like dude did somebody's pussy die? That was a terrible analogy I'm sorry. Hymns has treatment that can help you stay hard and last longer, giving you that boost of confidence you can be ready whenever the mood strikes. Your sex life is important, but your schedule is busy.

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Oh, say can you see. Prescriptions require an online consultation with the health care provider who will determine if an appropriate if appropriate Restrictions apply see website details for important information subscription required price varies based on product and subscription plan You know this something I've been watching lately at the beginning of my day been watching lately at the beginning of my day. It's this Teddy Atlas, the great cornerman boxing legend. And it's late in a fight. Just look up Teddy Atlas. We are firemen.

Just look up Teddy Atlas. We are firemen Like it's it's it's if an actor Said with the passion what he says in this speech if a writer could write what he said Everybody's winning an Oscar. It's the most insane Where he's like, you know, you're lagging pick it up and he goes pick it up the second time He says it like like look at me And then he goes, you know the fire's coming We'll get laying around. We are firemen. We have firemen. He just starts fucking yelling at the guy but in this this like I can't even describe it gives me chills

It makes me want to run through a fucking wall and the comments in the sections are hilarious Some guy wrote I I just I just got back to the gym and I'm going right back. Like it's the most inspirational speech. I think there's been some great ones that I've seen. Sometimes it's just the line with that great Corrales Castillo line. I love that corner, man. After like, Corrales gets knocked down Diego Corrales rest his soul gets knocked down for like I don't know how many times fits out his mouthpiece and they took like a point away and he will in the corner man washes it off first of all he's dressed to the nights he looks

like he's ready to go out and go talk to some broads so he's looking like a million bucks he puts the mouthpiece and he just says to him he goes you better fucking get inside now now whatever the hell that meant, I guess he did it because he came back and won the fight. And I remember dropping names all over the place. Charlie Murphy was the one who told me about that fight. Told me he woke up his family watching that fight. Um, and to this day, it's one of the great fights. Uh, I would put that one up with those... Oh, what the hell were those fights?

I almost said Mickey Featherstone. The Westie, the gangster there, no. God, I'm fucking old. What were those fights? Mickey Ward and... Gotti, thoseaudi Ward fights. Um, I will tell you though, you know... The greatest fights, I kind of feel are like that middleweight thing. The whole middleweight division in the 80s and then the Gaudi Ward fights.

Corrales, Castillo, like all those 140 to 160. It's like they got enough power to like knock people out and they just they just had some I don't know They just have these fucking wars Like literally Hollywood level fights, but anyway if you get a chance If you're not feeling good about your life, okay If you just a little I'm not saying clinically depressed if you just have a little depression watch that fucking speech And then he has another one Where he's on a podcast?

And he talks about fear. He talks about regret and he talks about redemption and uh, and this is just from a guy that like You know, he's coming from the world of boxing which you know We have all of these fears but like the number one fear is literally somebody attacking you and being able to defend yourself or having to defend yourself and having to get hit and having to get hurt in order for you to inflict your own punishment. I mean, it's the most like primal level of that. And he's talked people through that and if you just listen to that guy like

considering he's talking about fighting to apply it to You know, whatever it is, you know my business all right, you know back in the day I got to go out and go do Letterman. Oh my god. I'm fucking terrified or I got a you know I got to go pitch this fucking show I used to hate doing that and you'd go into these rooms and some of them were fun and they were laughters and then other rooms you would go into and they reminded me the owner of the baseball team in that movie, The Natural,

where they just sat in the dark. Like I remember back in the day, I think it was CBS, was like a notoriously fucking cold room. And you would just go in there and just eat your fucking balls. And I remember what turned it around from me was having fun bombing. And what I started to do was I would just start acting

like they were really enjoying it. And I would just be having like the best time pitching the show as this person would just be sitting across from me, stone-faced and I knew he wasn't gonna buy the fucking show but like I wasn't gonna give him the satisfaction of like making me feel like that I knew he wasn't gonna buy it or making me like that he had the power to like ruin my day I'm gonna fucking be on CBS anyway the fuck am I gonna do?

I can't say more than three words without saying fuck. Like, why are we even talking to each other? We're in completely different. I'm in the wrong quad here. But I didn't know. I mean, I just, it was just what you did. You went to Montreal, you had a good set, and then you come up with a show idea.

And they wanna fucking get into A development deal with you and you and you just sat there on this conveyor belt that you didn't want to be on like I don't want to do this And I remember we would like write a pilot we would shoot it and then they would be like yeah They're not picking it up and everybody would be bummed out and I'd be like great Great. Oh My god, great. Oh my God, great. I get to go back to being a comedian,

which is what I wanna do. But it was also, it was a fear thing. Because being on a hit TV show when I was younger was terrifying to me. It was just like the pressure of it. It was weird. It was just sort of a weird thing to want something and it also be terrified of it all at the same time.

So if you get a chance, watch that. And with that, the all star break is over. You know, do you guys watch any of it? Were you watching the debates? Because for whatever reason, you haven't quite figured out who you want to vote for yet, which I just don't believe. Shout out to Jaren Duran and the Red Sox, the MVP hitting a fucking home. So this little team that could can somehow get the wild card or maybe run down Baltimore. Who knows? All seems to be coming together. The American League team will have home field advantage this year. But knowing that at any moment someone could come

in and steal it. All right, I'm just fucking with you. I have an amazing gig that I'm doing tonight that I can't wait to do. It's going to be so much fun. It's one of those mom and pop movie theaters that me and some friends of mine, Nate Craig and Dean Del Rey and all things comedy, we're all going down there and we're gonna do some comedy and, uh, we sold the place out. All the money's gonna go to this, this little movie house because, uh, you know, there's a lot of people out there saying movies are dead or whatever and it's just like, I think these, you know, maybe the days of the giant Cineplex, I don't know if those are over, but these one-room movie houses, I think those things are going to stick around the way like, you know, there's an old-school soda fountain,

there's always going to be people wanting to go there and get a root beer float, there's always people, they want to just go and do some old-school shit, you know, there's still all of these scenes or whatever, and there's always going to be these cinephiles that people just want to go see it with other people and they want to see it on this giant TV screen and everything. And, um, you know, there's always going to be one of people, you know, as much as they shit on this young generation, they get out of the house. Okay. It's just whatever they're doing. You don't understand it cause you're old. So why don't you go a little Bob Newhart and just appreciate that whatever the fuck they're doing, they're enjoying their youth, then stop telling them that they miss something because they didn't. They'd like to get on with their youth and enjoying it without you being some grumpy fucking 40 year old in the background telling them

I don't know they probably just laugh at you the second you leave anyway. All right. That's it everybody That's the podcast please. Please enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew themalus and then we'll have a bonus episode of The Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. That's it, have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast.

For Monday, July 18th, 2016, what's going on? How are you? I hope you're good. I hope things are well. Is everything okay with you and the family? Anyways, this is the last week of writing for Efface for Family. You know, we got a table read today,

and then tomorrow we punch up, you know, fix whatever jokes didn't work at the table read, and then tomorrow we punch up, you know, fix whatever jokes didn't work at the table read and then on Wednesday we record it and then I get my life back, hoo hoo! So fucking excited. So fucking excited to have this behind me, all this frigging work and I'm very excited for you guys to see this thing. Granted, it's animation, so it'll come out sometime fucking 2036 or something.

Um... I don't know. Well, that's how it works. That's how the process works. But I know the big thing is actually writing the scripts and we're finishing it tomorrow, after the punch-up, and then I'm done. I literally, I have the same giddiness I used to have. Remember like the second week of June? We're just, even the fucking nerds didn't give a fuck anymore, right?

They weren't cleaning their glasses. They were just showing up. They didn't give a fuck, right? Your teachers were dressing casual. Everyone just was, yeah, it's over. It's over. Let's get the fuck out of here. You know?

It's unbelievable. I don't get, you know, that's why sometimes when I look at homeless people, because everybody just wants to get the fuck out and nobody, you know, you just don't want to work. Every once in a while, you look at like these fucking bums. And I don't mean like people, like something tragic happened to them.

You know what I mean? Well, I don't know, like some sinkhole swallowed up their fucking home and then they didn't have sinkhole insurance and now they're fucking, you know, sleeping at a bus station. I don't mean those people. I mean the bums, the old school hobos,

the guys out there riding the fucking railroads, right? The stick with a handkerchief around it with a little peanut butter and fluff another sandwich inside of it. Those guys, they got to figure it out They always feel how I feel right now, you know why cuz they never have to go to work. It's always over It's always over and you know, what do you do you go to a new town?

You wash some dishes Next thing you know, you know, you're eating beans over a fire outside, you know, eating them with a knife or some shit, you know, is that what other used to do it or is that just what the actors used to do in those old movies trying to make an interesting choice? I'm going to eat with my knife. Maybe that'll make me the next John Wayne. Yeah, they have it fucking figured out. You never done that? You never just walk down the street in the middle of the day, in the middle of your fucking stressful day, you're coming back from lunch wondering mentally, how the fuck am I going

to get through the next four, four and a half fucking hours. And you just walk by and you see some homeless guy just fucking just napping, laying on a park bench or even on the sidewalk. And just so fucking sprawled out and just in such a deep level of sleep, it actually looks appealing for half a second. You know? I'd love to interview one of those people and just be like, who won the Super Bowl this year?

Just to see how out of the loop they are slash how big are sports. You know? Do you know who Tiger Woods is? Do you know what happened to him? You know? Are you aware that we're at war right now? Still? Where were you when it started? Were you behind a desk? Were you normal? You know? Did you have a suit? Did you sit there and laugh at jokes that you didn't think were funny, but just doing it to try to get to the next level fucking cubicles? Is that what you did?

At what point did you just decide, fuck this. I want to take a nap when I want to nap. Can you imagine if you were allowed to nap whenever you wanted to nap, how much better the world would be? You could just be at work and just be like, you know what, I'm gonna go lay down for about fucking 20 minutes, just go over and curl up in a fucking ball,

and that'll be it. You know? What I'm trying to say, people, is I'm very excited. As much as I enjoy writing these fucking things, it's just great that, you know, I'm looking at my dog right now, just fucking chilling out. Just fucking laying there. She's laying there.

She's, I don't even know why she's tired. Fucking tired from all your goddamn sleep. And I'm jealous of you, Cleo. Cleo! Nothing. She knows I'm talking about her, but she doesn't give a shit. She's fucking tapped out. She's laying on the rug.

There's a little bit of sun spilling in from the window, and she picked the sunny warm part of the rug, and that is it. That's all the fuck she needs. You know? No upward mobility. She's not working on her next fucking season of, uh, you know, fucking the real pitbulls of the greater Los Angeles area. She doesn't give a fuck. She's got nothing on her agenda every day.

It's fucking tremendous. Maybe that's why their lives are only 10 to 15 years. They just get to live like, you know? Because when you look at your whole life, if you're lucky, you get 10 to 15 years total of just bliss. And the rest of it, you know, was just dealing with some cunt with coffee breath, telling you you didn't have enough

You didn't bring the right fucking forms You got to go back home and go get something else and stand in line again That's that's what the rest of your life is like, but if you're lucky 10 to 15 fucking years of it, you know You get to live like my dog right now taking a nap on the sunny part of the rug By the way There's so much shit going on right now, like on the internet, on the internet, that I just don't understand what is the big fucking deal. You know, that whole George Bush dancing thing, I looked that up thinking he was going to be just an absolute fucking lunatic. Like, oh no, stop no stop stop you're making all white dudes look bad everybody already knows

We can't dance it wasn't bad at all You look like he was in a good mood You know I his fucking energy, it's like I get that fucking energy. He's he's showing up It's a patriotic son of a bitch. That's his jam You know he sways a little bit, and you know what's great, too is in his head He's laughing at Obama like going aha you still have to do that job George Bush is on summer vacation and the fucking look he has on his face. That's the same look I have All I got to get through I just got to get through fucking

Basically tomorrow get through the the next rewrite and then that's it and of course You know there'll be a zillion punch-ups and editing sessions, but like the fucking daily grind is It's done That's where George Bush is at right now. You know He fucking launched the missiles All right Bunch of fucking people died. He's mentally past it He bought his pieces of land down in South America that sit on aquifers. You know? Who knows? Maybe he goes out and he gets a fucking 12 pack. I don't know, he just looks like a really fucking happy guy.

Since when does a president have to know how to fucking dance. He does it. All his fucking job is to get on TV and scare the shit out of you about whatever the fucking people above him who want to make money on something. You know, we gotta get these people. We gotta get those people. We gotta get some people. There's some people out there that're coming to get you.

They're coming to get you. These people, man, these people, they don't like you. They don't like you sitting there on your couch. It's like, how the fuck do they not like me? They don't even know me. I haven't interacted with these cunts. You know who has? You have there, fucko.

What did you and your friends do to piss them off? You know what I mean? You went out and you pissed off another fucking country. Now you're trying to make it seem like they're out there to get, they're not coming after me, they're coming after you, you cunt. They're never gonna get to you. You know why?

Because you have security and I don't and I'm just fucking sitting here. Sitting here with a mug of fucking tea. That would be great collectively if the world did that. You know when the world leaders, right? All of them, they wanted to start a war and be like these people and those people, That would be great collectively if the world did that, you know, and the world leaders, right? All of them. They wanted to start a war and be like, these people and those people, oh, they're people

and they don't fuck with you, the infidels and all that and everybody, just all regular people just sat there, oh, really? Is that what's going on? Well, listen, dude, if you got a beef with them, why don't you go fucking settle it? Because I've never talked to those people. And then that's it. Then we watch it on pay-per-view. You know, slap fights.

World leader slap fights. You know? And it doesn't solve anything other than we just get to enjoy complete fucking sociopathic money, power hungry fucking psychos just slapping each other in the face. You know? Then we just get to sit in the crowd eating popcorn going,

oh! Oh! Oh! Just watching them slapping each other. That's as far, you know something if we were really civilized, that's as far as it would go. You know, we just sit there and watch, you know, Obama have a slap fight with the Al-Qaeda guy or a fucking ISIS guy and then that would be it and there'd be nobody underneath any of them It wouldn't even be Obama it would be the fucking the corporate cunts who make all the fucking money off the misery

I'm sorry people just that that you know, I know I Hate how they always act like the world is going crazy. The world is not going crazy. You just keep showing the crazy shit It's like these fucking lunatics that can't there who drove the fucking truck into the people. It's like why why did that guy do that? People never did shit like that At least to the to the when I was growing up people did not do shit like that at least as far as the the sheer amount of these fucking incidents now. And I really think it's because I think it's the news coverage. They wanted their last act on earth.

They want people to then be like, inside the crazy mind of Joe Blow, he was pointing at they get to do his whole fucking backstory. I think that that's what they're going for. So obviously when something like that happens, you got to report on it. But I don't think, I don't want to know the whole fucking backstory. I think that that's what they're going for. So obviously when something like that happens, you gotta report on it. But I don't think, I don't wanna know the person's name, I don't wanna know a fucking thing about, they should die completely fucking anonymous.

And I think if they, maybe, why don't we try that? You know, instead of, you know, the people who get fucking killed, maybe they talk about them for fucking, you know, once or whatever, but the person who fucking kills everybody, you know, they get their own little fucking half hour, hour long special. You know, as news people sit there with their brow furrowed,

you know, disturbing, disturbing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they fucking talk about it for 24 hours and they make a zillion dollars in advertising. Oh, I'm a fucking cynical cunt today Absolutely, but by the way that bush dancing thing was that was not bad at all He looked like he was he was in a great mood, and you know what good for him Good for him that fucking dope Guys say he's a dope. I can't really say he's a dope. The guy's bilingual, right? You gotta have some sort of brains in there

He's smart enough to realize he didn't belong at Yale So he fucking drowned it in a 12-pack every 20 minutes. I mean I relate to the guy Anyways, oh by the way if one more person fucking tweets me about that stupid suspension The Tom Brady thing, the sheer amount of people that don't even understand that that has nothing to do, you know, like all of a sudden it was proven that, you see, he is a cheater. No, that's not what that was about.

The first one, that was the did he cheat? And that went to a court of law and was laughed out of court. The second one, all that was, was the NFL, they changed their argument. They go, we're a corporation, he's our employee. Do we have the right to suspend him? And the court was like, yes, you do. And then they came back and they said, hey, Tom, remember that fucking trial we had

with no fucking evidence whatsoever? The kind of evidence that gets laughed out of court, well, we're gonna uphold it. So you're suspended. So that's basically what happened. I just don't, I don't, people hear what the fuck they wanna hear. All right.

Old Freckles has been working out. Old Freckles, He's been working out. I told you I was up to 186 and fucking change. Stepped on the scale this week, 182 and change. Tell you, the first week you can always drop three to four because it's such a shock to your system. Of like, holy fuck, we're doing this now. If you just start eating healthy and working out, right?

You stop eating around five or six o'clock and just crush waters and you don't eat again till eight the next morning you know I'm telling you if you can drop three to four now I'm in my second week of this shit so I want to get down to 179 and then the week after that 176 so I'm in the mid 170s when I go over to Europe so I represent my fucking country properly okay all those European cunts they want nothing more than for me to go over there and be some fat fuck you know who doesn't know what's going on in the world that's what they want so what you do is is you show up in shape right you go on Wikipedia you Google their fucking

city right you find out what's going, and then you just pretend you read. You sit there with your flat stomach, and you pretend like you read. That's what you do. And you know what? It irritates them. I'm fucking with you. Anyway, so I'm down to 182, and 179 next week, the big seven.

I gotta see that, man. That second numbers got to be a seven It can't I refuse to be an eight or higher ever. I Just can't fucking do it. Although having said that at my age How slow my metabolism is and how much I like to fucking eat and drink and all of that shit? I could easily I could hit two bills like if I really like Just shut it all down as far as moving around, you know and all of that shit. I could easily, I could hit two bills. Like if I really, like, just shut it all down as far as moving around, you know, I just stopped doing shows and I just sat here like my dog. I swear to God, dude, I could be 200 pounds by the beginning of October. Easy. That's not even fucking trying. even fucking trying if I just ate what the fuck I wanted to eat. Oh my god

Is there a worse sight than a fucking? Five nine and three-quarter 210 pound redheaded male that's not something that you want to see and I don't mean muscle I just mean coming at you looking like you know, I I just mean coming at you looking like, you know, I work at Dairy Queen and I'm constantly taking advantage of my employee discount. Nobody wants to see that, right? It's not a man.

Looking like my legs, my pasty, fat fucking legs, as white as the soft-serve vanilla ice cream that I have every 20 minutes. So anyways, I'm going to get down to 179 next week. I just been fucking hitting the goddamn elliptical and dude my sciatica is just it's completely fucking gone. I'm going for now I'm getting massage every fucking week right that deep tissue just somebody beats the shit out of you, and I'm getting all of this stuff,

all of these fucking, all this crap that was in my legs for all of these years, flying on planes, playing pick-up hockey with no hockey stuff. Did I tell you guys that shit? No, I don't think I did. Yeah, I had another fucking massage. And this lady had her elbow jammed so far into the back of my leg, my hamstring.

I was like having memories of every time I fucked up my leg. She'd hit a spot and I'd be like, fuck. And then I'd be like, oh yeah. That was the time I played pickup hockey and all I had was gloves, a helmet, and a stick. And I was playing defense, right? And I'm skating full speed, you know, because we have the puck and all of a sudden they steal it and I tried to fucking turn around to go back the other way, dude, and I caught

an edge. Who's kidding who? I suck at skating, I can barely go backwards, and I fucking shot up in the air and landed on my left side, ass cheek all the way down on my thigh. I landed so hard I didn't even hit my head and I still saw stars and that was one of those things where I didn't even try to get up. I just sat there for a second just waiting for everything to settle afterwards and then I got up fast enough before everybody came over and said,

dude, you all right? You all right? You don't want to be that guy. And I just fucking like, you know, skated over to the bench, one leg working. I was just like, all the way over. And I just sat down and like, you know, pick up hockey, people skate over and they pointed at you. I shook off like three times before I went back out there. And the bruise was so deep,

it didn't show up for like three days. Like three days later, I was on the road and I'm showering. And you know, I thought I saw like a bunch of grease on the back of my leg. I'm like, what the fuck did I sit on? And then I saw it was a bruise. It literally looked like somebody just took a bat and hit me right across the back of my left leg.

And you know, this is kind of what I learned. I thought like when the bruise went away, then you were all fine. But evidently, that's not the deal. The reason why it takes that long, I guess, for it to come to the surface is because it's so fucking, whatever you hit was so fucking deep into the muscle, it took that long for, I forget, the person explained it to me, a bunch of busted capillaries or something like that, and then when they go to heels, sometimes they can fuse to something else, I don't know, fuse to a nerve or some shit, I have no idea. I don't remember, I don't pretend to remember a nerve or some shit. I have no idea. I don't remember I don't pretend to remember but all I know is a

Bunch of shit like that happened Slash, you know flying on planes and sitting on my fucking ass in writers rooms and that's what's gonna happen. But what I love is You know all these people who have back problems were telling me that all dude You're gonna have this for the rest of your life and blah blah blah blah blah I mean I didn't fly a helicopter for like fucking three months during this because when I sat down my feet went numb and I can't have my fucking feet going numb when I'm trying to touch the pedals there but no I if you find you if you find a fucking a real masseuse a fucking incredible one they can figure out what the fuck's wrong with you and even beyond a chiropractor

they beat the fuck out of you and they loosen everything up and then everything relaxes and you go back to being normal. At least that's what the fuck happened with me and I flew for the first time Wednesday. I was tremendous. That was tremendous. Oh Jesus Christ look at that. Is that that, is that a fucking raven? Hey, hey, get out of here with that almond shit. Yeah, you'll beat it. Get out of here. Jesus Christ, how old am I that I had to yell that long at a bird before it left?

Back in the day, I stepped on a stick and the fucking thing took off. What does that mean? Was that a stick and the fucking thing took off. What does that mean? Was that a crow or a fucking raven? All right, we gotta look this shit up. Here's some fucking ancient medieval history shit for you. Raven, what do you say here?

Raven super, raven superstition. All right, what do we got here? What do we got here? Raven symbolism. Raven symbolism. Myths of the Raven. Symbolisms and lore. Learn about the lore of Raven's bird. That's what I'm here for. Alright, the Raven often has a bad press for being a carrion, a carrion bird, I don't know what that means, C-A-R-R-I-O-N.

It is ultimately associated with death. Tremendous! I'm finally getting fucking healthy, now I'm going to die, and consequently considered a bad omen by many, or a forewarning of war. Ah, Jesus, Nia's going to yell at me. But there is much more to this ignomatic and intelligent bird than death, darkness and destruction. Raven is a trickster, a protector, a teacher, and a bringer of great magic. I would love to see the person who wrote this

like what they would dress like. I just picture them in like a fucking toga with the leaves, you know the hats that have leaves on the side. It's like if you had a full head of leaf hair and then you went bald and it just fucking wrapped around you. Learn all about the raven and its lore. Here, well that's what the fuck I'm here for, you cunts. All right, the raven is not only the largest member

of the crow family. Oh, I didn't know that. It's the big brother, but the largest perching bird in the world. I thought they all perched. What did the others do, lay down? An extremely intelligent bird, the raven was once extremely common, but persecution now finds it only in remote areas such as cliffs, mountains, and mo-moons. And moors? It's amazing the amount of English words, I don't even know what they are. Moors, I thought those were Africans.

I just, I don't fucking, I don't, evidently it was a crow, because I don't have any of those things. There's no cliff, there's no mountain, I have a porch. The adult is completely black with a shaggy thro- I don't care, what the fuck does it mean? Ravens are extremely intelligent and in some cases can even learn to talk. Alright, that wasn't a fucking raven. I was just yelling at it. Hey, hey! Would have been like, what?

That would have freaked me out. Be like, oh, you know, I was just wondering if you'd leave. That would be cool. The wolf and the raven are often mentioned together in mythology, lore, and scripture. In nature, the wolf and the raven have an important relationship. Wolves use ravens as aerial spotters for possible sources of food, as well as using them to alert them of danger ahead. The raven also gains from this relationship with the wolf. Being carrion birds, I'm so sick of reading that fucking word. What does it mean? C-A-R-R-I-O-O-N. You know what's funny? The amount of people that are listening to this right now

and they feel superior to me because they know what this word means. Yeah, and what is that gonna, is that gonna buy you a sandwich today? The decaying flesh of dead animals. Okay. So that's what it eats. The decaying flesh of dead animals. Okay. So that's what it eats. Alright, so it's like a fucking... It's like one of those birds, a vulture. It's birds with a fucking red head, no fucking feathers.

I know why they don't have feathers on their heads, because they're always eating at dead carcasses and they don't want the maggots to get in there. So they do whatever fucking bacteria and shit gets on their head, just gets burned off by the sun. Although I can't tell you, I look like a raven after, not a raven, I look like a fucking vulture if I go to the beach. Big fucking redhead, you know? And I eat dead meat too, right? Ham sandwich, that's a dead pig.

Jesus Christ, this is an incredible article. Alright, the raven also gains from its relationship with the... Okay, obviously if the wolf fucking kills something. This is an incredible article. Alright, the raven also gains from its relationship to... Okay, obviously if the wolf fucking kills something. Well, Jesus Christ, I don't think I can find two more boring animals on the planet than those two fuckers. I think they deserve each other. They're probably both in bed by eight every night.

Alright, let me do a couple of fucking reads here. We got a lot of advertising. We didn't have any on fucking Thursday, so I gotta make up for, um... I gotta make up for this shit here. Alright, hey, uh, hey, um... No, no, no, that's a read actually here. I need the advertising. Where the fuck is the advertising? Alright. Hey, Billy's Grip Stank. Oh, you fucking jerk-off, you did the same one twice. Is it really gonna be one of these days?

Alright. Hang on a second people. I apologize. Hang on. Content reads. There we go. Oh, here we go. Alright, there's three left and I'm gonna read those later. Let's get back to the fucking podcast here. I am sweating here. Roasting bacon, boiling. You know what I actually checked in? I checked in on the world of baseball. I have not looked at all. My fucking Boston Red Sox, if I can call them that, are a game out behind the Baltimore Orioles. They were in between two dirty birds, Orioles and Blue

Jays, right? Yankees are in fourth, Tampa Bay's bringing up the fucking rear. Here's what's interesting to me. In first place you got Cleveland. All right, you got Baltimore. They have not won a World Series since 1983. You got the Cleveland Indians. They haven't won since like fucking was it 1948 or something Texas has never won You got the Washington Senators. They're in first place. They used to be the Expos. They never won They should have won in 94, but the fucking strikes Fucking cut off the whole season the Chicago Cubs. They haven't won since

1907 and then the San Francisco Giants who've won every other year this decade All right Look at that the fucking Los Angeles Dodgers are only a game and a half out I have no fucking clue because they're not on my cable service because they had some fucking cunty cunty fight with somebody It's just the worst. So this is pretty cool, man. What a great year for baseball You know? Alright, if I could see Baltimore, Cleveland or Texas, I would pick Cleveland. If I could see Washington, Cubs or San Francisco, you gotta go with the Cubs. Right? And all their

foofy fucking fans taking their shirts off at the fucking games. They don't give a shit, right? So if it was Cleveland versus the Cubs you know I got to go with Cleveland they just won an NBA title let's see them get the fucking you know the monkey off their back with baseball and I would root for the Cubs but I just don't think the people care enough every time I see hey me out to the ball it's just too fucking happy there and I also blame them I really feel like because they do that stupid shit in the seventh inning, that's why the fucking, you

know, the Yankees play YMCA. That's why the Red Sox play that fucking horrific sweet Caroline. The Cubs started it. And because you created that, and I have to, anytime I see a Red Sox game and I have to watch a woman put her head on the shoulder of her boyfriend during the seven things stretch as everybody sings that horrifically creepy fucking song, you know, I kind of hope the Cubs go another 100 in fucking six years.

They're up to 108 years. You know what I mean? Not even the Phillies went that long. The biggest losers and professionals. They always lost more fucking games than those cunts. And they went almost, they went from like 1880 to 1980 or like 1882 to 1980. Let me see. Chicago Cubs. Chicago Cubs. Last world, look at that, comes right up 1907 I'm sorry 1908

would you look at that so it's been a hundred and fucking eight years they should keep it going at that point you know what I mean you just you just be who you are. Right? Plus, the fucking White Sox won one. I don't understand cities that have two fucking teams. I just don't get it. And one of the team wins it and you don't go to the parade. It's like it represents your city. It doesn't fucking represent me! How many fucking teams do you need? New York City. Evidently in order to remain

successful for as much shit as New York City talks they need two football teams, two baseball teams, two basketball teams, and two hockey teams. Fucking unbelievable. I don't know. If you come from a real city like Boston you just need four and a fucking soccer team and they'll all win championships if you know what the fuck you're doing you don't have to hedge your bets double down in every fucking sport telling you you know it's really making my day is Rappaport has just been lately that guy is just he just won't fucking leave me alone he was all he was another guy all excited about the Tom Brady fucking size like Michael I agree with the suspension a corporation should be allowed to suspend an employee even if it is complete horseshit

Yeah, I just don't he's a Giants fan. They fucking own the Patriots in the Super Bowl Why can't he just be happy with that? You know what it is about New York fans is when they look at Boston fans They don't see the misery anymore. You know we can talk shit. It's fucking great, and they don't know how to handle it They want us to be miserable again And we're not and it's driving them nuts and like the misery that Rappaport has that I'm not miserable That's the kind of people That these New York sports fans are.

That's why they got to get all of these fucking teams. They're like a fucking, they're like Walmart. They're trying to fucking, you know, have so many locations they put everybody else out of fucking business. It's just, it's not going to happen. It's not going to fucking happen, all right? So why don't you get three teams in every sport?

Maybe you could run the table in 10 years, you fucking cunts. All right. Oh, God, who would have ever thought as a Boston sports fan I could just sit here and laugh at New York sports fans? I never thought that that was going to happen. You know? Here I am. All fucking happy.

Oh, fuck, what am I up to? 36 minutes. Okay, here we go, here we go. Here I am all fucking happy Fuck what am I up to 36 minutes? Okay? Here we go. Here we go. All right. Hey, let's do some reads here Billy grip strength One of your listeners wrote in last week wrote in last week to ask about his hairy girlfriend I'm not sure what he ended up telling her or if he sent you an update, but unfortunately I've had Experience with this on a couple of occasions now for those of you who didn't listen the other day This guy was dating this Brazilian woman. You know so you know she's fucking smoking hot But you know she just had a little issue. She had a little bit of fur on her fucking arms and

With the tramp stamp would go, you know, the tattoo could get lost in the weeds if you know what I mean. So he wanted to tell her to fucking wax a little bit, because you know, I mean, Jesus Christ, ugh, you know, doing it doggy style, she's got like a fucking afro, just above a booty crack. I mean, yeah, I mean what what's going on with that so but how do you tell somebody that I mean women can tell guys that in a second like you should wax your back I don't know yeah it just grosses me out and you're like all right that's what it takes to have you keep fucking me right you can't tell these ladies anything

You know Honey, I love you to death, but your back reminds me of Gabe Kaplan I had an experience with this on a couple of occasions under no circumstance Should you ever tell her she's hairy? I was dating an Indian broad for a while and she had excessive hair growths on her forearms lower back feet and toes, but worst of all nose hair Let that He said imagine

Let that image sink in is what you wanted to say This chick was super cool and very attractive, but the hair situation was bothering me so I broke up with her at her place but made the mistake of telling her why. Oh god dude why would you do that? Let it be known this was a bad idea. Well no dude if you just told her you know there was a way you know obviously if you fuck listen I'm breaking up with you. I think you're a sweetheart But physically I can't deal with all of your hair. Yeah, that's gonna devastate her anyways Long story short she flipped her shit and threw plates silverware pots, etc At me while screaming and crying so I left

when I came back later for my shit she had thrown bleach on some of my clothes and stapled condoms to the wall. You could say things got hairy. LOL. Why do women just get to just destroy men's property all of the fucking time? You know like if the cops show up and she's throwing all your shit up they'd say hey sweet calm down. I start just get in the car. Just just get away from her so she calms down. It's destruction of property there's like a zillion YouTube videos of Women just destroying their guys cars I Don't understand it. I really think men should start prosecuting them them for this shit

We always just go like hey, yeah, dude. She fucking flipped out Whatever I can get another flat screen just get her away from me All in all he said if the listener hasn't told this lady about his displeasure of her hair I highly recommend he doesn't Well, dude, you fucking told her you should have just said listen, that's the fucking reason you were gonna break up with her. You should not have brought it up. What did you say? Yeah, listen, honey, we gotta talk.

This isn't working for me. What? Yeah, I'm just not happy. Well, what is it? Did I do something? Is it something I said? What's the problem? You're too hairy.

You have hairy toes, you have hair above your ass, and it's coming out of your nose. And I just, you know, you're just reminding me of John Matuszak, and I just, you know, it's turning me on. Like, why would you do that to somebody? What you did, sir, was fucking mean. You know, it's turning me out like why would you do that to somebody that what you did sir was fucking mean? on once one

Part of me actually Respects the fact that you actually communicate even was fucking mean is you're gonna get what you want in life If you if you just don't give a fuck about other people's feelings to that level You're never gonna end up trapped in a fucking relationship So it's good that you do that. But in the future, sir, if you're going to break up with something, somebody because of something physical, you know, keep that to yourself. You know? Because who's kidding who, dude?

That's not the only reason why you broke up with her. You know, if you're going to fucking tell her she was too fucking hairy, if you still liked her, why won't you just say, listen, can you do me a fucking favor? You got hairy toes. Can we start off with that? Jesus Christ, it's like I'm dating a fucking cave woman. It's 2016. Have you watched any porno in your life? All right, on a side note, he said, you mentioned your home gym and current workouts, but I've never heard you talk about deadlifts.

Do you plan on doing them, and if you already do, what type of progress are you making? Thanks to go flog yourself. What is a deadlift? Is that the one where you fucking bend over at the waist and pull it up, or is that the one where you fucking, you act like you're in the Olympics and you lift it up over your head?

Both of those look like something I shouldn't be doing at my age. All right, videos, deadlift. All right, five common mistakes, the deadlift. All right, here we go. Oh Jesus, what is this for? That's the one, the old blow out your back one. Now if you use proper form, does the lifter have an Instagram? His hips should be the first things that move. There's a lot of vital information missing from this. Hips, hip wide stance, hands just outside the hip, full grip of

the bar, shoulders slightly in front of the bar, lumbar curve maintained. So at your back, yeah dude, I'm gonna give a big fuck that to that exercise unless you can tell me what the hell it does to me other than increase my chances of blowing out my back. I just kind of, for, I go hiking and I do bodyweight exercises. The same way I do grip strength stuff, I'm really into just being able to move my fucking body. I don't need to pick up a car like I'm grabbing it by its bumper and try to use my fucking proper form.

But who knows? You know what? I'll look those up you know I'm sure I'm gonna get a big fucking lecture on oh my god you don't do dead lift you might as well not be working out at all all right dear bald-ass Billy Gunn regarding your caller who needs advice on getting his girlfriend to shave off body hair okay Okay, here we go I would like to tell Tell him to be careful what he wishes for I had a girlfriend with really hairy arms and because of it

She had very low self-esteem once we got to college her friends took her to a beauty salon And she had her arm hair waxed shortly after she started to receive a lot of new male attention and pretty soon had little time for me. Shortly after, she told me she needed to talk. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, she moved up in the draft. She had a good combine. She told me she didn't want to limit her options in college. Good for her. He goes, I was devastated. I told her that since I found her attracted when nobody else did, that that should count for something. She replied with, we all make mistakes and walked out. Jesus.

Anyways, consider your moves carefully before doing something brash. Thanks for the subpar podcast and go fuck yourself. P.S. take it easy on guys writing to you for solutions. They are obviously at rock bottom if they are willing to take advice from a dyslexic freckled cunt. Jesus this guy took two shots at me. Wow yeah that's fucking brutal and And that's, once again, that is something where, when it was going the other way, women would be like, that's brutal. But then if they read this same fucking story, as much as they dumped you, she dumped you

and you accepted her for who you were, they would all be like, woo, that's right, you go girl, you go get what the fuck you want in life. Um, dude, that's kind of fucking funny. I mean, does that fuck with your self-esteem at all? I think it did. I think that's why you gave me shit not once, but twice at the end of it. I think you got a little bit of anger, which I would have had anger too. Jesus Christ, you know what's funny about that? If she keeps fucking doing it and enough time goes by, the next guy who dates her is going

to have no idea that that's part of her fucking genetics. And then he's going to have a little hairy baby and be like, where the fuck did this come from? She's going to be like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh my god, that's fucking... Anything that happens to a guy, it just ends up being funny. I don't know what it is. Everything that happens to a woman is tragic, but just when shit happens to guys, it's fucking funny. What are you going to do? You know what you're going to do, buddy? You go to the fucking gym, right? You go to the gym and just go, you know, just start hitting on shit way out of your fucking league. You know? Do it for yourself, man. She's reaching for the fucking stars, so should you. Take that as an inspiration and, you know, God help the next fucking guy she gets with.

Jesus fucking Christ. And then, you know, some, the whole time she walks this earth, she has to live with that secret. You know, because I'll tell you, there's no fucking way she's telling the next guy that that's what's going on if that held her back, right, and you know when she walks around and hangs out with all these other fucking beautiful women now in her beautiful people circle, and they have like fucking no hair on their arms There's gonna be something in the back of her head, you know

And one day she'll have too many white Zinfedales and she'll just say to her fucking boyfriend I have to tell you or maybe she won't maybe she won't and someday they have the hairy baby the old HB the dreaded hairy baby I Can't come into work today. What's the matter? My wife gave birth to a hairy baby Yeah, dude. It's fucking ridiculous. I thought it was a I thought it was a little gorilla Yeah, dude, it's fucking ridiculous. I thought it was a I thought it was a little gorilla Oh turns out she had fucking hair all over she just got waxed All right, dear red red Sonya. I don't know what that means. I hope I said Sonja S. O N J a

Should I look that one up I mean if it's an insult, I gotta see what it is. I wanna share on the laugh, other than the fact I can't pronounce it or know what it is. Red Sonja, what is Red Sonja? Red Sonja, 1985, is a vengeful woman, sets out to achieve a magic orb with an E.I. I gotta see images of this. Jesus Christ, she's fucking smoking hot I don't know what that means. But anyways, dear red Sonja heard the email from the guy with the hairy Brazilian girl

This is another one This is another one, there's a lot of hairy ladies I have a suggestion for the other guys in a similar situation. Have Bill Burr address it for you. Listen to the podcast over the speakers when your girl is home. That way you'll plant a seed in her brain and hopefully get her to shave and wax without even addressing it yourself. Oh, so play that fucking part of the podcast

when they're around. You know what, women are way more complex than that. That's a fucking decent idea. And, cause what's gonna happen, if she's self-conscious about that, or if the light goes off, she's gonna be like, that's, first she'll be like, that's stupid, that guy shouldn't have blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then about a half hour of that bullshit, she'll finally come around to saying like, do you think there's like, I know I'm a little more hairier than most girls, does it bother you? It's still going to come back to you. If women were that fucking easy to deal with emotionally, we wouldn't die eight years before them. There's no fucking way it would be that easy. Like they're just gonna listen to the podcast

and it's gonna click and be like, oh wow, maybe I should wax. I'm gonna do that and not have a fucking four hour UN meeting with my fucking boyfriend. Anyways, he said, I've done the same thing in the past with great success. Okay, maybe I'm wrong. Wait a minute.

Wait a, here's the replay. Going over to the replay booth! Uh, I happened to listen to an episode- He said I happened in quotes to listen to an episode about lip hair when we were driving. Three days later, mustache was gone. Try it, it just might work. Holy shit! Alright, well fuck it. Give it a shot.

I stand corrected. I apologize, sir. I apologize, Jesus Christ. I just pictured the referee coming back saying no goal. But he actually came back and said the goal was allowed. You lost sight of the puck and the mustache still left. It's incredible. All right. All the best from Sweden. Okay.

What am I up to here? 50 fucking minutes. Alright. Okay. Career crossroads. Hey Billy, fuckface. I like that guy. He didn't try to be creative, he just went right for it. I am a 17 year old high school senior Going to into college studying pre-law and ever since I was young I wanted to go into the military My father owns a medical compliance company and has promised me a job after college should I get a law degree? However, he was re Jesus Christ. You know what I just realized I got to do something hang on I got to start this fucking I could hit pause pause and I gotta start this fucking question over again. I gotta unlock the door here, hang on.

All right, I'm back. I didn't need to unlock the door. She had her keys. For some reason, I didn't think she had her keys. And she's, the lovely Nia's gonna come on, hopefully in a minute, and dress the fucking, the growing controversy of the hairy girlfriend, how do you tell her?

All right, so here we go. Hey Billy, hey Billy fuckface. I am a 17 year old high school senior going into college studying pre-law and ever since I was young, I wanted to go into the military. My father owns a medical compliance company has promised me a job after college

should I get a law degree. Why would you get a law degree and then work in a medical compliance company? Oh medical, I thought, I was thinking like they supplied like appliances. He was selling like fucking dental drills and shit. However, he has recently talked about selling the company and retiring as he is nearing 70 and not getting any younger. My question is this, after I finish college, should I enlist in the military? Something that I've wanted as long as I can remember or should I stick with the safer option?

Never choose safe. Taking over my father's business slash securing a safe lifelong career. No, dude, that is a recipe for what if. Fuck that, dude. You're young, you don't have any kids, just risk, risk, risk, risk, risk. I'm not saying fucking jump off a bridge here. I'm just saying, yeah, go big.

You go big when you're young. You know, she'd never go out with me. Fucking ask her out, who gives a fuck, right? Oh my god, I can't try to do that. That's a one in a zillion chance. Just go fucking do it. Listen to how I read out loud. How fucking horrific I am.

And I've been tremendously successful telling shit jokes. Now if I can do it, believe me, anybody can do it and you can too. If that's what you want to do, you should definitely do it. Anyways, he said, I'm worried that during my absence in the military, there's a strong possibility my father will say, screw it and sell the business. I'm at a loss because on one hand, I don't want to sit at a desk 10 years from now thinking about what could have been a great experience in the military. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose a job at my father's and

be stuck at a soul-sucking law firm for 30 years in a tiny cubicle working to make someone else's dream come true. I'm really at a crossroads here and I don't want to make the wrong choice that could potentially fuck me over big time. What would you do if you were my shoes? Thank you and go fuck yourself. I would go into the military. I'd finish your law degree.

That's what you want to do. I would go into the military. I'd finish your law degree That's what you want to do I would go into the military join the branch that you wanted to I would fucking crush it in the military and then when I Come out I would be such, you know, I would attack being a lawyer at the same The same attitude. Why do you feel like you're gonna be stuck in a tiny tiny cubicle? Why wouldn't you move up and become partner? You need to dream bigger dreams, dude this whole thing of like, you know The only way you're gonna be successful in the business world is if you take a job for your dad Fuck that dude

if you go the other route you become a self-made man and when you become a self-made man you get a belief and a confidence in yourself and You don't worry. Like you're 17, you're already worrying. Fuck that. You got your whole life ahead of you. I would go out and do everything that you wanna do and then one day, 20 years goes by,

and all of a sudden you're like, holy shit, I work for myself, I'm making great money, I can go to the movies whenever I want to I can take a vacation you know I Could talk shit on a podcast like it just completely opens The world opens up for you, but you know if you go the safe route You know there's that there's that there's that fucking gnawing that haunting voice in the back of your head What if I did this what What if I did that?

You start sleeping at night. Arr, arr, arr, fucking thrashing and shit. I think you're going to do great in the military and I think you'll do great as a lawyer. And that's what you should be thinking, you know? That's it. And you're going to meet some fucking beautiful woman and you get married or whatever,

whatever the fuck is you want to do. Just think positive thoughts and surround yourself with people that feel that way. and you get married or whatever, whatever the fuck is you want to do. Just think positive thoughts and surround yourself with people that feel that way and if you have a friend that sees you start to do well and you feel them starting to become negative, address it and if they don't fucking clean up their shit, you cut them out of your life because those people will bring you down. Stay here at the townie bar with your old football jacket on. Fuck that. Alright?

Good luck to you, sir. Alright. Dating an older lady! An older broad. Hey Billy Boy, fuck nut. Been in a serious relationship with an older woman. She is fantastic. Cooks for me, rubs my feet, gives me sponge baths, and just an absolute gem.

She has a great job, makes a boatload of cash, I guess, S-Carol, E-S-C-A-R-O-L-E, I don't want to say that word. And I also do very well for myself. Money is not an issue. I deeply care for her and love her. I'm 30 and she is 45, but she looks better than most girls my age. When we first met, I thought she was 32, so that's what initially attracted me to her. She's fucking slamming hot and a great person and has a great personality We can joke around and I can say disturbing things to her and she just laughs real class act type abroad She was an 18 year old daughter She has an 18 year old daughter, but as far as I'm concerned

I don't really give a flying fuck. My family had some opinions and were like, she's too old, blah, blah, blah, fuck them, they have miserable relationships, she makes me a better person and I feel good. Your thoughts, your thoughts Billy Littlesack. Jesus Christ, fucking everybody,

they give me the old fucking one, two there. Well dude, you sound like you're happy that's what the fuck you want what there's nothing wrong with it That's what you want. There's nothing fucking wrong with it. She makes you happy. Yeah, absolutely. Why would you leave? You know, I don't know if you want to have kids that way that would be a fucking issue You know at that point you freeze your fucking eggs and you jerk off into something. I don't know how it works. I don't pretend to be a doctor.

Oh fuck, you know what, I didn't read the other goddamn, the other advertisements. All right, let me just knock out these last really quickly. Let's see how fast I can read these, all right? Hey, Nia, do you want to read this thing with me? Yeah. Okay. All right, well that's the end of the podcast,

but she's going to come here in the end, and we're going to, I don't know, a little bonus like five minute thing here. This could go south very easily, but we'll see what happens. Hang on, let me hit pause. All right right the lovely Nia everybody hi how are you I'm great thanks okay let's get right down to it

okay all right this guy he's dating this woman she thinks she's beautiful but she's hairy this thing again well yeah but I never you never talked to about we never got a females advice on this I thought we did you talked about it yeah remember I said like either like he sort of gets something wax and they go together and it's funny or he just like gets over it you said that on the podcast or did we talk about that on our own not on the podcast and you got all mad at me because I was like if she's not what do you have against talking into the mic? I don't know.

You just sit there and go like, I know people tweeted me the last time was like, I can't hear you. So I you've told me, yeah, just just have it follow your your mouth. Okay. But because the thing is, I feel like if a microphone is anywhere near me, it's going to Microphone my voice so I don't amplify Wow, so I don't need it's very rare that someone makes me look like the smart one Microphone my voice so um well what you have to know is with talks about it But microphones each one of them. Uh- one of them, there's ones that are designed to pick up 360. There's ones that are like, these ones are like directly on. OK.

So if it's directly on, the reason for that is if there's other background noise, you don't want to pick that up. There's other microphones designed where you want to hear the whole room. These are directly on, so you've got to speak into it. But this is not what we're talking about. OK, sorry. All right, so you got to speak into it. But this is not what we're talking about. Okay, sorry.

All right, so somebody's got- Yeah, I thought we talked about this. And she's got like hair on her lower back. Yeah, like right where the tramp stamp would be. Yeah, I remember this. Like she could have a tramp stamp and he wouldn't know. Right, because there's the whole thicket of hair under there. Yeah.

Yeah, I thought we talked about this. I thought- Would you stop saying that? Okay. I understand that you think that we talked about it. Neither one of us can remember if we did it on the podcast I'm not this is just bonus time anyways all right, so refresh our listeners well my date no woman She's got a fucking afro right above her butt crack. What do you say? On your head

Boo boo boo, I think you have to answer the goddamn. This is just this is just it's a tough one. How long has he been dating this person? Can he be like, so what's with your little furry back over here? You're like my little Chia pet in a cute way. Like can he say in a cute way? How do you say that in a cute way? I don't know.

Like say, oh Oh you're my little cheepette back here. No. You know what maybe he could just sort of like, this is gonna sound really fucking weird, but maybe you can just sort of like stroke it or whatever. But the thing is she'll probably be like oh god no don't touch that I know there's's hair back there. It's so weird. I hate it. And you can go, why don't you get it waxed?

And she might be like, I don't know. I'm embarrassed. I'll go with you. I'll wax something with you. How about that? I'll wax something. You wax something. And then boom.

That's a good idea. I have an idea too. What? How about when she's wearing a sexy shirt so it doesn't quite reach down to her pants. When she goes to get up off the couch, you just reach up and grab her little back hair and go, get back down here. You pull it back.

Well, she's lying on her stomach at the beach and he starts braiding it for her. I know. It's bad. It's bad. It's a question shouldn't Well, this one guy was saying he was dating this woman. She had like even hairy feet She like hairy toes shit happens man. I know but what the fuck Nia you got to handle that I Mean ideally yes, you would handle that in a perfect world in a perfect world But you know I had girlfriends for years who had a little like just like the little shade of a mustache and they just never it just never really occurred

to them to wax it until like recently. And I remember I had a friend I saw I hadn't seen in a while and she was like do you notice anything different? And she kept turning her face in a certain way and I was like yeah you get your upward lip wax. You don't look like Burt Reynolds anymore. Yeah she's like I finally did it. She's like I don't know I was always just intimidated to go into the place. And she's like, but I'm so glad I did. So I feel like people are self-conscious. And you think you'll go in there and you'll get judgment

by the waxing person. But the waxing person has waxed Chewbacca down there. So they don't care. That's their job. So it could be that she's just a little embarrassed to go to a place and have it taken off. Because who wants to say, oh, I have to go get my back waxed today? It's embarrassing.

Well, you don't have to say that. You just walk in. You don't. You go, hey, can you wax my back? You don't even have to whisper it. I know you don't. So. Oh, no.

But if you go there, do other people see you getting your back waxed? No. No, no, no. You're in a private room. Whenever you get any kind of waxing service. It's not a public. Oh, so you're go there, do other people see you getting your back waxed? No. No, no, no. You're in a private room. Oh. Whenever you get any kind of waxing service. It's not a public... Oh, so you're in there like Steve Carell? Aaaaaah! Kevin Clarkson! Exactly. Yeah. So you're in a private thing.

So he just has to do it in a cute way. You know what this one asshole did? What? He goes, I suggest you don't tell the woman that she's hairy. Mm-hmm. He told the woman... He broke up with her and said the reason why he was doing it was because she was so hairy. Well that's not the way to do it.

Isn't that the meanest thing you've ever... That's the fucking meanest thing ever. Are you that shallow? Because that's something that's easily fixable. Are you that fucking shallow that you break up with someone and it's like, because you're hairy back? Like what a fucking asshole. Those back, feet, nose. A lot coming out of the nose and then the arms. That's just unnecessary to say that after the fact. If you love somebody and there's some kind of...

Even if you don't, even if you don't love somebody, you don't do that to somebody. Yeah, no, that's not okay. But then she fucking, she started throwing plates and he fucking left and then came back, she had dumped bleach on his clothes and stapled some condoms to the fucking wall the usual destruction of property that for some reason is validated. Do you have I've never actually noticed do you have back hair yet? What do you mean back hair yet? Like because I feel like that's something that has men get older I have actually never know turn around. No I don't have back hair. Let me see.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Nia. You fucking sleep next to me every goddamn day. I know, but I just never thought to look for that. No, I don't have back hair. You know what? There is a very fine little area in the lower back, tramp stamp area. Not a lot.

You can barely see it because your hair is so fair. But like no, no, no. You have a very small like little thing growing. Yeah, I got nothing back there. There's nothing back there. I mean there's more on your chest than on your lower back. Yeah. It's a very small amount. But the thing is, I feel like in 10 years that shit could get a little thicker. Yeah, in 10 years I'm going to be close to 60.

I mean I'd still have you wax it. What, in 10 years? Mm-hmm. What, with my white fucking back hair against my white back? Because it bothers you when I wear a fucking half shirt? I mean, what are we doing at that point? It's a bit, wait, look at my lower back.

Let's just do, let's just do this for the sake of the part. No, you don't. No, OK. You don't. Well, I'm, yeah, look at my lower back. Let's just do, let's just take this for the sake of the part. No, you don't. No, you don't. No, okay. You don't. Well, I'm, yeah, I try to keep it. Very familiar with your lower back. You don't. Oh.

Yeah, you don't. You're not a hairy person. So. But if I was hairy back there, would you say something to me? No, I just would have broke up with you. What? So you would have broken up over, because I wouldn't have taken the time to

fall in love with you if you're walking around looking like fucking Burt Reynolds and play girl. OK, oh, I see a Photoshop coming. Oh, my God. You know that's coming. Wait, shout out to the M.M. Photoshop on Twitter. Oh, my God. Do that one with me standing in front of the fountain. I fucking, dude, we were in the writers room when I saw that and I fucking laughed so hard.

Like one of the other writers was going like, what, what? And I showed it to him and everyone was going like, oh my God, that's so mean. I go, that's fucking hilarious. And then I love the picture of you that they found. It was when you were going out to some event. That was us at the Heat premiere. That's what that picture was from. I was trying to be fucking modest about it.

I didn't want to sit there and say you were at a movie premiere. I said you were at some big event. You always got to drop. Why would I just be standing there? You always have to fucking drop the Hollywood shit, don't you, Mia? I was trying to provide the context the premiere for the

Cinematic film the heat where my husband had two lines You had more than two lines if you sneezed in that movie you missed me But now everybody follow the mm Photoshop on Twitter yeah, whoever that is man a woman is fucking hilarious The mm Photoshop on Twitter. Yeah, whoever that is man a woman is fucking hilarious wait wait wait actually We have a better one for the mm Photoshop alright, so wait Where's my phone because I wrote it down remember you said the name of a movie and it was once again How you have just sort of clues from the movie? And I don't remember the titles alright, so I'm gonna find it because it was definitely one of your classic ones And we're not gonna say what the movie is don't remember the titles. All right, so I'm going to find it because it was definitely one of your classic ones.

And we're not going to say what the movie is. We're just going to have the MM Photoshop. Wait, let me see if I can find it. Mock it up, put it on Twitter, and then everyone will be able to guess, hopefully. All right, so you called this movie, I'm going to kill you on Wall Street there, fucko. I'm gonna kill you on Wall Street there, fucko.

So that's it. That's a movie. That was a movie. That's a movie. So people are gonna try to guess what it is. MMPhotoshop is gonna make a movie poster. You know what's funny? Days later, you reading that, it now sounds like somebody else said it and that's a terrible

clue. That's not even close. It's sort of close. They'll figure it out. All right. Well, it's 12 minutes past the hour here. It's time to wrap this up because- 12 minutes past the hour. 12 minutes past the hour.

W-B-U-R-R. Morning becomes eclectic. I love how you listen to that and you think it makes you smarter. All right, that's it. No, I listen to NPR to be smarter. Oh, God. I listen to KCRW to get a variety of musical stylings. Of the same liberal viewpoint?

All right. You done? Is this over? Can I stand up? Can I go somewhere and eat my oatmeal, please? No, you know what it is? I don't like shit that's 100% liberal or 100% conservative. Alright, that's fine.

I like in the middle because both of them caused me to yell at them. Bill, you yell at everything. It doesn't matter what it is. That's not true. Because nothing is exactly your viewpoint. I don't yell at you. What? I don't yell at the dog. That's also not true. I don't yell at other drivers. I'm courteous. I don't yell at you. What? I don't yell at the dog. That's also not true. I don't

yell at other drivers. I'm courteous. I'm polite. I don't yell at inanimate objects like my computer. I don't do any of those things. Sure. Well then alright then. You're peaceful. You're like a redheaded Gandhi. I definitely look like Ben Kingsley more than I look like fucking Donnie Danny Bonadooch. All right, that's the that's the podcast here for the for this Monday Danny Bonadooch. Danny Bonadooch. Hey, we got a situation with Danny Bonadooch We got to take some care of the fucking. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you fuckos on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves Some answers, really. Well, have you been asking the right questions? How do I know what the right questions are? That's a good start. the

the the the the the the the Yeah, I'm still here. So where is it that you're trying to get to? I'm just trying to figure out my place in all of this. Where do I belong? You realize you're already there, right? That's possible.

I don't need you to know. I'm just trying to figure out my place in all of this. Where do I belong? You realize you're already there, right? That's possible. I don't need you to know. I'm just trying to figure out my place in all of this. Where do I belong?

You realize you're already there, right? That's possible. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know.

I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I don't need you to know. I'm going to be back.