Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-19-18

Episode Date: July 20, 2018

Bill rambles about kid songs, the O.K. sign, and soft tires.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Yes, I am. How are you? What's going on? How is your week going? You realize it's July, man. The summer is just it's just whisking away. Do you know fucking rained out here yesterday in July? It's unbelievable. It never rains out here. It never rains in California. But boy, don't they warn you? It pours, man. It pours. It just it just was this thunder and and there was rain and it just poured down and I was like gee will occurs. You know, I had a couple of shirts drying out on the fucking porch there because, you know, you can do that out here because it never it

rains in February and that is it. There's a little bit of June gloom and you're like, oh, oh, is it? No. Precipitation blue balls. That's all it is. And yesterday it just was an absolute downpour and like 20 minutes later it was over and everything was dried up and you would never know what happened. You know, like a perfect robbery, like a robbery gone right. Nobody gets hurt. We get in, we get out, we get the jewels. Okay. Blonde. Franco goes in where the others have been. Sorry. I just combined three different movies. Two different movies. Something like that. I have no fucking idea. All I know is this is one of these days. I forgot it was Thursday and I forgot I had to do a podcast and I have some shit to do. Some shit to do.

All right. I am going down to Comic Con today. Can you believe that? Bill Burr, hater of all Marvel and DC fucking movies. I don't hate them. I just that they do absolutely nothing for me. You know, I like the Hulk. I'm an angry fucker. I can relate to him. Right. I've inhaled a cigar. I've turned green before, you know, I can't jump like that. I can't I can't crush cars the way he does, but I get it. I like the Hulk. I like the way he talks to you know, how fucking stupid he basically talks like Tarzan, which really made no sense if he was raised by wolves or whatever the fuck was going on there, how the fuck he learned how to speak English. You know what I mean? I can't tell if he was unbelievably compromised in that relationship with Jane or if it was a

brilliant fucking thing because he could just pretend he didn't understand what she was saying. You know, how long into that relationship do you think before he looked at that little chimpanzee and just fucking rolled his eyes like you fucking believe this shit? Okay, this woman would be dead out here without me and all she's doing is bitch moaning and complaining. All right, we'll live it in nature. We're perfectly safe. Okay, I'm providing. We don't have to pay any taxes. There's like no, we're in fucking Eden right now. And there you go, Jay. Yeah, go take a bite out of the apple. You know, that is one thing that I have learned as a 50 year old man. I'll tell you right now, guys, if you're out with the ladies, okay, save your fucking money. Okay, do not spend money on women.

Okay, do it because you want to, but don't do it. Because you think it's going to make them happy. It will in the moment, but I swear to God, I don't give a fuck. You could literally buy a woman the fucking space shuttle. All right, and put our initials on the side of it. Okay, and take her. I don't know what the fuck you do with the space shuttle. All right, whatever, take her to and from work. I don't like sitting like this. My hair is like hanging down. Well, we can't take off horizontally, honey. Whatever, just get me to work. I swear to God, you don't, you'd literally be in the doghouse within fucking 24 hours of doing that. One stupid comment. I was actually joking with a buddy of mine the other day, I was saying like, you know something,

man, if patching shit up with your wife was deductible, I wouldn't pay taxes for the past three years. That's all I'm ever doing. You know, I feel like the boss's son who just keeps fucking up, but for some reason, he doesn't get fired. You know what I mean? It's like the 50th time you've done something wrong that week. You're just like, I really don't understand. How did I end up in this position? But that's neither here nor there. If you want to make up with your wife, take her out for ice cream. Okay. I'm telling you, it's romantic. It gives them a sugar rush. All right, they feel like they're in some Tom Hanks movie and it really doesn't cost that much money. You know, if you can just keep your cool while you fucking stand in line at the artisan ice cream

place that they want to go to before you go up there and you order mint chocolate chip and they tell you it's not in season. Well, if that happened to me in San Francisco, remember that story? It's not in season. Then I went across the street to the drugstore and I came back with a pint of it. You know, I should have walked into that fucking ice cream place. Hey, hey, hey, it's in season. That's right. Here's the deal. If you want to get adventurous with ice cream, follow people under 40. All right. If you just want the old school simple shit, you follow old people because eventually they're going to the pharmacy, right? And that's where they have chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, patchwork, chocolate chip. How many flavors were there? There was mint

chocolate chip. There was peppermint. That was like, that was fancy back then. Not now. It's like, I don't even know what the fuck it is. They got candy bars in there. They got like, they have sugar and salt with a shot of espresso and some sort of social justice warrior thing written in fucking whipped cream. You know, I followed Joe Rogan as most of the free world does on Instagram. And I saw this whole thing about the okay sign. How funny is that? According to Joe Rogan, the okay sign, these people is a joke. Try to say that you can, you can find white power in there like this, which I don't know. I see three fingers in a zero. I see zero to three. I see 30. I see, uh, I don't know if you're making shadow puppets,

maybe a rooster. I don't see where the white power is in there, but they tried to say that you could see it in there. I guess the P would be your forearm up into the circle. And then the three fingers would be the W. Oh, fuck. I'm smart. Or does that mean I'm racist? Racist. So anyways, they started it as a joke and then dopes believed it. And then actual even bigger dopes, white supremacist started using it. And now it's actually going to get banned, you know, which is so fucking stupid. Like, uh, why would you ban that? You know what I mean? That's like banning. You know, let's say it was actually race. Would you ban somebody going Sieg Heil? Why would you ban that? Let people do it. Then, then,

then you know who the Nazis are, right? If you don't let people do it, then you're like, all right, is this guy a Nazi? Or does he know Jiu Jitsu? Or is he just a fan of tele, telecevolos? Oh, no, wait a minute. That's old freckles. He showed up to tell some shit jokes, right? And all of a sudden, all the lines get blurred. Okay, you got to let corny people have their signs. You know, how you doing, Seth? I'm okay. You got to let him do that. And then you got to let morons, you know, fucking do this Sieg Heil on Hitler's birthday on April 20th. All right. Well, the hippies are behind him smoking marijuana. Hey, man, like Nazis harsh the mellow, man. Right. You got to have all those people.

I think, I mean, you'd like to have not have others, but I really don't think how like banning signs. I've always thought that was that was like, I guess wishful thinking. In my world, if you ban racial gestures, then people aren't racist anymore. You don't need to fix what's between their ears. You just need to fix gesticulations. When we come back, Dr. Phil will cure a heroin addict within two commercial breaks. Uh, you need to stop doing heroin and you need to put on some weight. You're right, Dr. Phil. Let me shake your hand and subtly steal your watch so I can cop right behind your fucking soundstage. Did I say cop? Yes, I did. And that's how old I am.

You know, it's great about being a parent besides everything is all the fun fucking songs that get stuck in your head. You know, as I'm talking to you guys about neo-nazis in my head, I'm singing pop, pop, pop, poppy dog house. You know what's awesome is my daughter sings along to it now. She just goes pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And then anytime they, they, she just goes dog. That's funny to parents. Yeah, she's amazing. I get now why people have like eight kids. I get it. It's fucking amazing. I mean, if you can just get past being tired and then eventually hating you between the ages of about

11 and I don't know, depending on how much you actually did do wrong, it might be the rest of your life, but usually I think it lasts to somewhere mid college. I would think. I don't know. I've already thought about how I'm going to handle her teenage years. I'm just gonna be listening. I know, I know I'm cramping your style, man, but can you just go to lunch with your old man? I swear to God, here's a deal. I'll like, I'll let you walk in first, you know, just in case some of your friends are in there. All right. And then if none of your friends are in there, then I'll come in like the fucking elephant, man. And I'll sit down, just have lunch with me. If any of your friends show up, you know,

I mean, I don't know what to do at that point. I guess I would walk out. You know, how amazing is that? Like this little perfect being that needs you on such a ridiculous level, it almost makes you cry within like 10 years. It like treats you like the fucking plague. You know, I'm kind of excited for it, for the whole fucking journey. Because at the end of the day, I am a loner. So I think I'll be able to solve it. No, I won't. When your own flesh and blood turns it back on you. All right, I think we need to do some advertising here, don't I? At some point? No, no, I'm only 12 minutes in. Only 12 minutes in. You know what? Did I tell you guys that I watched the MotoGP from Germany? From Germany, and I saw

fucking Mac Mac as fucking rundown Jorge Lorenzo. I just don't understand the whole fucking tire thing. These fucking guys, whenever they use the soft tire, they're always leading in the beginning and then eventually the soft tire is too fucking soft. It starts to wear down. And then they're fucked. You know? I mean, at this point, the way Mark Marquez is winning, why don't you just go, well, what is Mark gonna use today to give ourselves a fighting chance? Because as far as I know, Jorge Lorenzo, he fucking, he won a championship three years ago, right? Marquez has won four of the last five. Let me look this up. MotoGP champion almost. Am I on the right internet? Okay, here we go. Oh God, they just let me know who,

okay. How about Valentino Rossi, huh? Always making the podium. That's a weird thing in racing that I don't get how you get too old to do it. I mean, as long as you're fucking, especially race car drivers, as long as your foot works, can you press down on the gas? I mean, the engine has to go 200 miles an hour. You don't, right? I mean, you just kind of ride along, right? But I guess your reflexes, your reflexes get, aren't as good. And then, I don't know, you just stopped winning. It's crazy. All right, so basically, first of all, shout out to Spain, because since 2010, a Spaniard has won it every year, except 2011, when arguably the greatest motorcycle name of all time, Casey Stoner. One more time. Casey Stoner won it in 2011. All right. Marc Marquez won it

in 2017, 2016. Jorge Lorenzo won it in 2015. And then 2014, 2013 was Marc Marquez. Jorge Lorenzo was 2012. Casey Stoner, please report to the principal's office, 2011. And 2010 was Jorge Lorenzo. And then the previous decade was the Valentino Rossi show, where that genius won it seven times in nine years. Honorable mention to Casey Stoner in 2007. And also, the last American, the last yank to win it 2006. Nikki Hain, what's going on, dude? You're still riding the fucking motorcycles, kid? Dude, he was crazy. He was doing fucking wheelies in the seventh grade. And we also won it in 2000, with Kenny Roberts Jr. Valentino Rossi won it in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2008, and 2009. And he was riding Hondas in the beginning,

2001, 2003. And then the unthinkable, he switched to Yamaha. And everybody thought it was an inferior product. And not only did he fucking win with them, he won four times with Yamaha. There you go. There's some quick motorcycle history. I don't know shit about it. But somebody who watches this shit, please explain to me why you would ever run a race, ride a race, on the fucking soft tire, the super softs or whatever, they always seem to blister, or just they shit the bed. Right when it counts, it's like you lead the whole fucking race, you know? And then all of a sudden with like 15 to 12 laps left, all of a sudden somebody with a medium tire, something like that just runs you down.

I think the soft tire is sort of the heartthrob of the tire industry. You know what I mean? Well, if you're basing your whole life on your looks, I mean, you're gonna have, your career is gonna be probably shorter than a professional athlete. Because you're gonna get old and somebody else younger is gonna come along. But the medium, I think the medium tires the way to go. It seems to be the way to go. I have no fucking idea. But all I know is I have to figure out a way next year in April to get to that goddamn MotoGP race. But anyways, I didn't mention, why are you going to Comic Con, Bill? Why are you going to Minneapolis, Bill? I'm going now the first time flying a helicopter down. It's the first time I've

flown since May. Let's hope I remember how to do this shit. I'm flying with an instructor. Everybody relax. So I'm flying down there and I am, is it moderating? Hosting? I'm sitting down for an hour in front of a crowd of 6,000 people. And I am hosting, what do you call it? The cast of Better Call Saul. I'm getting to interview all of those people. And I'm gonna see Vince Gilligan for the first time in a long time, which is gonna be great. I'm gonna thank him for giving me an acting career. And then afterwards, some of the cast of Breaking Bad is gonna come out, and then we're gonna do an hour with them. And I don't know. I don't know why. This is one of these gigs where I'm like, yeah, I'd love to do that. And then the second I, you know, the day

comes and I'm like, what am I? What the fuck am I gonna say? But I know that everybody's got great stories. So all I gotta do is just, I just gotta set people up. I did this recently on another show that escapes me. I have no fucking idea what I did. My short-term memory is for shit. I have no idea. But anyways, I'm gonna fly down to San Diego. I'm gonna host both those things. Then I get to watch the premiere of Better Call Saul. You know, what's better than that? Then I come back, you know, Better Call Saul, one of my favorite actors on television right now, Joe DeRosa. Smoking Joe DeRosa. Oh, by the way, by the way, you know, very strong rumors, very strong rumors that Bill Burr and Joe DeRosa are back together in talks

about getting uninformed going again. Very strong rumors. Remember when Guns N' Roses was getting back together and everybody, is it gonna happen? Is it gonna happen? You know, guess what? I'm sitting down with old fucking Joe DeRosa next week to see if I can figure out a way to get, to fit myself into his incredible, busy schedule as an actor yet to be nominated for an Emmy. But we all know it's inevitable. I sound like I'm breaking his balls, but I think he's fucking great on that show. And I can't wait for this season. And it is a beyond an honor that Vince asked me to do this. So I just hope I don't fuck it up to be honest with you. You know, and I also don't know how do I get into this? I mean, can I can I talk about like how last season

ended without getting stampeded by 6,000 nerds going see spoiler alert, man. All right, everybody. Okay, here we go. I got a little bit of some advertising to read here. Hey, Nia, is the oatmeal almost ready? Ah, shit. All right, I got to get in there. All right. Butcher box. Butcher box delivers healthy 100% grass fed and grass finished beef, free range organic chicken and heritage bread pork. The incredible quality of butcher box means start with the commitment to raising animals humanely and free of antibiotics and hormones before you kill them. Each box comes with at least nine to 11 pounds of meat, which is enough for 24 individual sized meals. Unless you're a fat fuck, which probably you'll go through

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old. But the great thing about Jim is he's a bit of a curmudgeon too. You know, so we have two fucking curmudgeons from different hemispheres, the northern and southern hemisphere, and together we form a global force of grumpiness. I should actually post a link to that interview. I had a great time on the show, and I would like to do it more often. There, I said it. Postmates, as usual, your stomach and the rest of your life are at war. You need to eat, but you can't stop what you're doing to deal with it. And the only fast things that deliver are not what you want. Introducing Postmates, the app that adds a delivery option to your favorite restaurants. Imagine anything you want to eat delivered. You don't have to drive, park, or even talk to a,

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Do they not work as well as they should? Yeah. You should see the size of the font that I'm reading here. Do you like spending less money on things than more money on things? Yes. I love how easy these questions are. The school is this easy. I would have gone to Harvard. Do you know what the internet is? If yes, then visit hubblecontacts.com, H-U-B-B-L-E, hubblecontacts.com. That sounds like a nickname a wife would give to a fat husband. Oh, it's my hubble. Talk about how when you started out in comedy, all the other comics teased you for your Coke bottled glasses. Blind, Billy, bad eyes, they call you. It nodded your heart, tore your soul, you seed with rage, but deep down you knew they were right. Is this copy here? I've never had glasses.

Must say brutal in Bill Burr voice, at least twice per spot, can be out of context. Must not get mad at Hubble for trying to be cute. Okay, with Hubble, you'll get a fresh pair of lenses for every single day for less. What? A fresh pair of lenses. 60 contacts for $33. Do the math. That's barely a dollar a day. How often do you throw out contact lenses? I've never been in this world. This is more affordable than other brands. Go to hubblecontacts.com and get your first two weeks for free. They can send you to an optometrist if you don't have a prescription featured in Vogue, GQ, TechCrunch, Mashable, and the Bill Burr podcast. So do what I, Bill Burr, definitely 100% did, and go to hubblecontacts.com to get your first two

pairs, first two weeks of lenses for free. That's 15 pairs of lenses for free. I've never done this. To summarize, contacts, cheaper, good, easy, humble internet. See, make sure to select my show, underscore Bill Burr underscore at checkout. That's hubble, H-U-B-B-L-E, contacts.com. All right, so I guess they have cheap contacts. All right, yet you can put in your eyes. I actually, I need glasses, man. I do. And I'm just afraid that if I wear glasses, it's going to make my eyes weaker. It's kind of like, you know, giving in to using a cane, except it's for your eyes. I'm trying to tough it out. I'm 50 years old and I still don't have glasses. You know, I'll tell you, I can't see shit, but I'm a good listener. I'm a, oh man,

I'm a really good listener. All right, I got to get in there and I got to go eat lunch. I'm sorry, breakfast with the, with the family. I almost just said, I love you guys. I don't even know why. Why would I say that? This being a dad thing is really making me soft. It's really, it's kind of scaring me here. All right, let's get back on track. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll check it on you on Monday. I think, is there an F1 race this weekend? There wasn't one this past weekend. I think they're coming back. Oh, I can't wait. That last race was my favorite fucking race that I'd last two have been my favorite race. And I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to say a ridiculously focused, slightly angry Lewis Hamilton is going to put

on a fucking display. That's what I'm, that's, that's my guess. All right. You want to see something cool? Check out Lewis Hamilton's private jet. Oh, oh, I can't imagine that. You know what I mean? Just flying to every gig in that fucking thing. Do you know how not funny I would be? I would just show up with that grin on your face that, you know, like when those, when, when the dive and rescue teams find the fucking guy who drowned in the, in the fucking those cave divers, they always had that goofy smile on their face because the last thing that happens is your body releases all that dopamine. That's the look I would have on my face if I had a private jet. You know, by the way, there is no way to fly private and make money. There's just no way to

fucking do it unless you flew there and then did 10,000 gigs in a row before you flew back. I don't get how people fucking do it and people go, oh, you build it in the contract. It's like, fuck it. It's going to come out of your end. It's going to come out of your end. I mean, I think if I was to fly from here to Utah, it costs like 50 grand. It's fucking ridiculous. I'm not, not 50. It's, it's fucking nuts. All right. That's the podcast. Enjoy the music and listen to and enjoy another half hour of a Thursday afternoon podcast from a Thursday afternoon. Oh, look who just came walking in all shirtless with their beer belly. How are you doing, buddy? Is it me or does she just keep getting better looking?

Can you say hi? Can you say mama? Can you say dada? Can you say baby? Can you say dog? Can you say cat? Can you say car? Can you say wow? Can you say, whoa? She flipped them both around. Can you say keys? Shoes? Now she can almost say two silverware. Can you say wallet? Can you say water? Say water. Yeah. You got to pick like words that begin with the letter that she knows. I'm not trying to

turn her into a gold digger. Say baby. Laughing. Crying. Say crying. How are you doing that? Angry. Sleeping. All right. That's the podcast. God bless you. I'll talk to you on Monday. Yeah, that's right. Check it on you. I'll see you on Monday. After this, you be present. We want to talk to you after this. Shout out like an asterisk for all those that you got. We're connected like a rent house from the town house to the town. I miss those all my Brooklyn residents.

I'm a heavy regiments. Don't believe here the evidence. We're Brooklyn. See that? Try to take it all. Can't believe that. From where they said they drew you. To where the police react. Tell it probably equality. Don't tell them where we be at. Brooklyn, New York City, where they paint murals of biggie and cash we trust. Because it's get a fabulous life. Look pretty. What a pity. Blunts are still 50 cents. Treat sense is dominant. Can't be covered with incenses. My presence felt. My name is quality from the eternal reflection. People think your MC is your hand from misconception. Let me meditate. Set it straight. Came to the conclusion that most of these cats is

clever way. Let me demonstrate. Walk in the streets. It's like battling. Be careful with your body. You must know karate. You think your soul is pulling fruit like Shade. Sound acting like a bitch already. Be a visionary. And maybe you can see your name in the column of obituary. Third grade teacher reading and talking about. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burns, the Monday morning podcast for July fucking 19th, 2010. All right. I'm in a pissed off fucking mood because I'm not funny this week. This is the third fucking time I've started this goddamn podcast. I had to race two of them. Got 12 minutes into the first one and I just said fuck it. And I erased it. And this one I got 24 fucking minutes

and I just erased it. And rather than walking away and walking down the goddamn street and clearing my fucking head, I just hit stop and I hit a race. And then I just start the fucking thing again thinking like, oh, maybe this will work. Let me do a do over. You know? You know what it is? I'm on the fucking road. I went to Montreal and now I'm in New York and I just, I want to go home. I've had it. I don't want to sleep in any more of these fucking hotel rooms. I don't want to order any more fucking room service. I'm in New York. I ordered a goddamn fucking protein salad with a fucking caprici salad because I thought they were mozzarella sticks. However, the fuck you goddamn sons of bitches from Italy say it.

Fucking shows up. So I ordered a salad and a fucking salad. You know what it cost me? It cost me fucking almost 50 bucks with the tip because I'm staying midtown. Midtown. Therefore, we can, we can rape you. You want some fucking advice? If you ever come to New York, do not stay midtown. It's a goddamn, a fucking, they deliver the fucking food. The guys wearing a goddamn ski mask. Fucking pantyhose over his fucking face. It's unbelievable. They always send up to, they always send up some fucking, you know, guy who can't even speak fucking English, right? So, you know, it's not his fault. You know, he didn't come up with the goddamn menu. Poor bastard. He still has scurvy from floating over on his goddamn luggage, coming up here fucking dazed, giving me the goddamn

s- I can't fucking believe it. You know, if you've never stayed in a fucking New York hotel room either, this is how it works. It costs $400 for the night. You're like, wow, this is going to be amazing though, right? And you open the fucking door, and what happens? You take a step and a half, you trip over the fucking bed, you roll over the bed like that douche on Starsky and Hutch, Hutch going right over the hood of his fucking grand Torino, and rather than coming up in a cool way with your Adidas dragons on, you do a face plant right into the fucking wall. And then if I have the second, you're like, oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's a ray of light. I actually have two side by side windows. Let's check out the view. And all you see is a fucking brick building next

to you. Do you know I can't even commit suicide out of this fucking window? That's how close the building is next to me. Hang on a second. Yes. It's okay. Come back later. I'm doing the podcast. All right. Thank you. You like how I assume that she's a fan? I actually got a laugh out of her. But she had an accent. I just said I'm doing the podcast. She probably thinks that some sort of new dance or that I'm fucking my wife in some sort of new weird position. I'd love to open the door, but we're doing the podcast. Anyways, let's get back to killing myself. If I were to jump out this building and trying to kill, I wouldn't kill myself. What would actually happen was I would slide down between

both buildings excruciatingly slow, scraping the fucking skin off of both ass cheeks, the back of my head, my nose, and the helmet of my dick, and the top of my feet. I would have my feet pointed down like Greg Luganus, you know, coming out of a fucking triple Lindy, going right into the Olympic pool. How does he do it? How does he not fucking create a goddamn splash? You know, that guy doesn't get enough credit that fucking Greg Luganus. You know, all he talked about is how he whacked his head and he had his fucking, you know, he was HIV positive and it got on the diving board for the next Ukrainian dude who came up there. You know, what about the fact that he could basically jump off the Eiffel Tower and somehow against the laws of physics, not have a, not have a splash. I would

put that guy up there with the fucking Wayne Gretzky's, the Michael Jordan's. You know what, I don't know enough about diving, so I got to strike that, but I did see some shit this week where someone was saying Kobe Bryant had five fucking rings, so if he gets one next year, he gets number six, then you have to say that he's on par with Jordan. As far as championships, yes, we can all do math, but as far as him ever eclipsing Michael Jordan, he never will. And I'm going to, I'm going to tell you this right now. Not only will he never eclipse Michael Jordan, he's not even fucking close. And I know what all you Laker fans are thinking, but wait a minute, fucker, he's doing the same fucking moves. Yes, he is. Yes, he is. Physically, he can do what Michael

Jordan can do. Yes, he can. All right, but this is the difference. Michael Jordan created those fucking moves. All right, you can find a guitarist in your fucking neighborhood who can play voodoo child. Does that mean they're as good as Jimmy Hendrix who wrote the fucking song who was 20 years ahead of his fucking any other guitarist on the planet? Look, as great as Stevie Ray Vaughn is, I love that guy to death. He can't touch, he can't fucking touch Jimmy Hendrix. He can't. Hendrix came up with that shit and then fucking Stevie Ray modernized it, but it was Jimmy shit. You know what I mean? It's like a pilot taking you learns how to fly and then tries to compare himself

to Orville and Wilbur Wright. Oh, they fucking flew only across the field. I'm flying across the whole country. I'm 3000 miles better than the people who invented flying. All right, now Kobe Bryant has the, I think has the athletic gifts of Michael Jordan. And if you had the two of them play each other one on one at the height of their powers, it would be the greatest one on one game ever. All right, but as far as the forward thinking, the athletic genius, Kobe Bryant is not an inventor. He isn't. He does have the drive. He's got all that other shit, but he doesn't have the ability to take the game 20 years into the future where he has no fucking peer. There was no arguments when Jordan played. There was no arguments about who the best

guy in the league was for the last 10 years of his career. There was, you know, early on before he established himself, you know, people, you know, we're throwing other names in there, but after, you know, fucking 89, there was no question who the best player was. And by fucking 92 93, he was without a doubt the greatest basketball player of all time. And he still is Kobe Bryant. On the other hand, his entire career, there's always been, well, what about this guy? What about that guy? You know, right now is he Kobe LeBron James? You know, I still give it to Kobe. Kobe is still beyond LeBron James, but LeBron James is very close. There was no one near Jordan. I can't even explain it to you. It's like when you talk to those fucking douchebags from the

baby boom generation, those selfish cunts who hang their hat on, they stopped the Vietnam War and then became corporate douchebags. That's a big generalization for you. Like they always say like, no matter how much you get into the Beatles, you just can't wrap your head around what it was like when they put out an album, how far ahead they were from everybody else. It's the same thing with Richard Pryor, because what happens is as the years go by, everybody rips those, those geniuses off and everybody gets caught up to where the fuck they were. And what usually happens is if you're young, you're watching the contemporary people. And then as you go back in time, you go back 30 years, you go all the way back to Pryor and you

see him do the black guy, white guy thing. And so many people have ripped him off that the genius of what he does is a little tainted. You know what I mean? So that's like when people look at Kobe and they go back and they look at Jordan, they take for granted what Kobe's doing now, because it just seems like that's what basketball is now, because Jordan showed showed him what was possible. You understand what the fuck I'm saying here? I'm sure Laker fans won't fucking, they'll argue it, but they're fucking morons anyways. They're going to be like, Kobe's just as good as Jordan. You know, the same way they try to claim that they have fucking 16 championships, or this other douche who wrote me this week who

tried to say they have 18. There's such, there's just no way to respect a Laker fan. I just, because they're just transplanted fucking, there's so few people from Los Angeles. And what happens is people move out there, you know, Hollywood fucking phonies. And then the Lakers, you know, they always have some fucking amazing team. They're a hell of, they're an awesome franchise. I think they're, wait, how many championships they got since 1980? They won five, eight, they won nine. They're better than the Yankees since 1980. Better than the Canadians. They are the franchise. All right. So all these fucking assholes go out there and they see Jack Nicholas, a fucking true fan. Jack Nicholson. What the fuck is wrong with me? Every time I want to say Jack

Nicholas, I say Nicholson and vice versa there. God help me if they're ever in the same fucking room. Really, Bill, when the fuck would that happen? Huh? When you do some corporate gig for some people who actually did something with their life and you go in there like a dancing monkey and then afterwards try to talk to them in the green room as they're clearly blowing you off. Um, anyways, the fuck am I talking about here? Yeah, all those douchebag Laker fans, you know, I talked to him one the other day like, oh dude, I'm die hard. I'm die hard. I found out he was from New York. How the fuck do you go from being a Knicks fan to being a Lakers fan? I'll tell you why. You become a fucking phony. How do you leave New York and move to LA? How do you do that?

You know, unless you're in show business, which was he? I think he was. I can't remember. I drank so much this fucking week. Oh, everybody's just amalgam. Everybody's just a big, just amalgamating if that's even a word into just one big face. Just running their goddamn mouths. My own fucking lawyer is a Laker fan. Okay. And we had that argument about the 16 championships and he just would not answer my questions. I got a real thrill out of it of beating a lawyer in a fucking argument because I just kept hitting him with that argument. You know, I go, you go to the Staples Center. All right. Now, you know, first of all, if you're going to make a 16 championship t-shirt because the Laker franchise has 16 championships, that is undebatable.

Okay. But the Los Angeles Lakers have 11. The Minneapolis Lakers have five. So when you make those 16 championship fucking t-shirts, you got to say Minneapolis slash Los Angeles. Okay. Take the hint from the Laker franchise when you go to the Staples Center and they don't have the Minneapolis banners up there because those banners belong to the franchise slash the fans of fucking Minnesota in Minneapolis. The same way, and I've made this fucking goddamn example a zillion times and I'm going to keep making it because every fucking week some goddamn Laker fan, this is the last week I'm going to do it because now people are sending those emails on purpose. But like if the Lakers now move from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, they win it next year

for the franchise's 17th championship. People in Los Angeles, what would you do if somebody from Vegas came walking up to you and went, that's 17 bitch. We have 17 fucking NBA championships. We are the New York Yankees of fucking basketball. Would that make sense to you? If you saw Las Vegas Lakers 17 championships and they were walking around thrusting their chests out, the Boston Celtics have won 17 championships all in Boston. Okay. That's it. And if you people in LA, you're still confused. Like I've said before, just think, count how many times you've thrown a rock through the storefront window of an athlete's foot. I can't even fucking talk this week. How many times you've burned down your city? How many times you've burned down the LA area?

That's how many championships you have. All right. So stop padding your fucking resume like all you cunts do out there. You're a goddamn PA. And by the time you type up your resume, you fucking directed the movie. Fucking phonies who can't even show up to the game on time. All right. Where are we going here? Where the fuck do we go from here? All right. So how much time did that take up? How much momentum? All right. That was a good 14 fucking minutes. Let me shut off this overhead light. Made out of fucking piece of shit, plastic, 400 bucks a night. Fucking pricks. Anyways, I am here in New York and I did the Montreal Comedy Festival this week. That was a big thrill. You know, that's why I drank so fucking much this

week. And I just ran into a bunch of comedians I haven't seen in a long, long fucking time. You know, because everybody I know fucking headlines now. So we never get to work together anymore. So just we're drinking and telling stories and just laughing our fucking asses off. And I'll tell you, it's a goddamn shame. Nobody filmed it because there's like nine zillion documentaries out there trying to capture the backstage standup fucking thing. And I don't think they've ever done it. And the only way you could ever do it is if you'd have to do it like a reality show where you keep the cameras rolling 24 seven and that way people gradually forget about them because that's what they have to do. They have to forget that they're on camera.

So you actually hear the fucking stories and the level you have to go to to make another comedian laugh. Put it this way, this podcast is PG 13 compared to the shit that we talk about. So anyways, that's what I was doing. I was drinking booze. I was having a great time up there. And I'm fucking wiped out. But I'm actually taping this right now on the 18th, Sunday the 18th. And I'm doing the David Letterman program, the late show tomorrow night. I got my suit. I got to get my shoes polished. I got my fucking cuff links, you know, nice fucking shirt. And as always, I know people are going to send me emails, dude, why did you wear his? Why did you dress up for the greatest fucking, you know, talk show out there?

Bill, I don't understand it. Everybody else on the show is dressed really nicely. Why did you go on the show and dress really nicely? Why didn't you go out there and dress like you were headlining the funny bone in fucking Dayton, Ohio? Why did you dress like you were in the Ed Sullivan theater? Do you guys realize you young punks that that's the fucking same stage where the Beatles came out and broke in the United States? And if you watch them, they were wearing suits, you dumb fucks. Really don't understand that. You show up to a toga party. If you wear a suit, you can give somebody shit then. Went in Rome, cunts. Went in Rome. So anyways, this is going to be my fifth appearance. And I'm really excited. I got a nice tight set. I am kind of making fun

of mothers right out of the gate. So as always, you know, there's always a bit of awkwardness before people realize that I look like a puppet. And then I'm harmless. And then I just ride it, ride it right through. And then what's going to happen is after the show, I'm going to have the fucking euphoria that I did it and I survived it. And then I'm going to go out and I'm going to stay out too late. And then my alarm clock is going to go off 20 minutes later. And I'm going to be in the worst fucking move ever. I better have a window seat. That's all I can tell you. Because if I get woken up, if I get the aisle seat, you know, I hate how people wake you up on a plane when a stranger wakes you up. Is there anything more creepier than the touch of a stranger trying to not

disturb you from your sleep? That little two-fingered, not quite a poke, not quite a caress that they do into your shoulder. And then they speak in like half sentences. They don't just, they don't just, you know, you know what, you know what would be acceptable? Like a man-to-man, like a back of the hand fucking on the side of your leg as intimate as that sound. I'll give you the sound just like this. Hey man, I got to get up and use the bathroom. All right, so just like that. But for some reason, because you just, I don't know if it's because of 9-11, I don't know what, but people just, they two-finger and then they sort of whisper a half a sentence. They fucking, you just feel this creepy fucking pedophile touch. It startles you. The exact thing they don't want to do. It's such a creepy

touch. It does startle you. You fucking whip your head around over to them. And then it's another man whispering a half a sentence. Yeah, I just have to, I just wanted to, yeah, can I just... Can you just what, you fucking asshole? Finish the goddamn sentence and stop fucking finger-raping me. Whatever the hell you just did there. That's the old shoulder finger-rape at 30,000 feet. Which is actually a new phrase acceptable in the Webster's dictionary. Can you believe that? How many times, I'm so sick of them fucking bringing that up on talk shows. Do you know that chilling is now an acceptable word in the dictionary? Well, do you know that everybody's using it? You fucking idiot. That's how they become words. You can have words that everybody is using

and you're not going to put them in the dictionary. Why are people so fucking stuck up about that? Oh my god, chilling cannot be an actual word. And like there's any class left fucking doing Vegas, people showing up in Hawaiian shorts with flip flops and you can't put chilling in the goddamn dictionary. You know, keep stopping these fucking plagues people and that's what you're going to have. You're going to have a weaker species of fucking human beings. Alright? And they're going to use fucking slang words and eventually you're going to have to stick them in the dictionary because you're going to want to be able to communicate to the people. You always have to be able to communicate to the people because if you

can't communicate to them then you can't give them the fucking lie. You can't spin your own fucking story of why we're all scampering around down here as you sit in your fucking manner. You know, I've been dying to do a bit about the kind of people who I think should get the death penalty. And one of them is these fucking bankers. I really believe, man, if you shake up the economy like a goddamn ant farm and you make fucking old people have to eat alpo for the last 18 years of their fucking life and I'm just talking about five or six of them. I'm talking about, you know, a large percentage of an entire generation. These fucking banker cunts fucked over people, basically the generation that won World War II. It's unbelievable.

They didn't even go to jail. They don't even fucking go to jail. I don't know. I think they should give all old people fucking, they should just give them those paintball guns and then they should just tell them where the fucking rich people live, the bankers, and they should just go in and just every once in a while drive by and shoot them and they never get arrested. That's what I think that they should do. All right. Once again, just like the last two podcasts, this thing's starting to peter out right around 21 minutes, 52 seconds. Can I be funny up until 22 seconds? I got another four seconds to do it. Three seconds. Ah, it's not going to happen. Jesus, this is the longest 50 minutes ever.

Fucking goddamn jaw just popped out too. I tell you guys that they said that I grinded my teeth at night like I didn't know that, like I didn't know that I was an absolute psycho and had angry dreams about murdering people. So they give me this fucking mouthguard and I put the mouthguard on and now my jaw just dislocates every once in a while and I so don't like paperwork and shit that I would never even consider suing them. I'm like, ah, this sucks. And I've just figured out how to pop it back in again. And right now it's out of alignment. Let me see if let me try to bite down. Yeah, what the fuck? I feel like I had a ball inside of my fucking jaw. Any dentist out there can tell me why that happened. I can't even, you know, you know why the first time it happened?

I can't believe I'm going to tell you this. I can't tell you how the first time I dislocated my jaw was. How do I tell it in a clean way? I don't do sex jokes, but I was going down on a girl and I was trying to fucking jam my tongue in there and I think it pushed my lower jaw back. She was getting really into it, you know, and I was younger so I didn't know how to make them come and she was getting close and I was so fucking exhausted. I just went for it. I was in the red zone. I was like, we got a score here. This fucking game is over. And then when, you know, I came up out of the fucking, what the fuck do you call it? I don't know, the concubines. I know somewhere with a C that began there and I wasn't going to say cunt. I came up out of there, you know, with

that laminated face and yeah, I noticed it was difficult to bite down and ever since then I had a problem. I think it just ruined my lawsuit because if they listen to the podcast, actually he admits on the podcast on July 18th, 2010. Then he was actually jamming his tongue into a vagina in Laughlin, Nevada. There's no way to make that up. It's fucking true. Jesus Christ. Isn't aging? Isn't it just funny how things like that happen? Anyways, Jesus Christ, what a fucking thing to admit. You can tell I'm flailing when I start to fucking admit and that shit. 24 minutes. Here we go. Let's plow ahead. I was watching ESPN today

and of course, you know, as always, you had four really intelligent people on a panel who were all involved in a debate that none of them knew was even remotely true, but they engaged in it anyways because it would piss off a guy like me and can make me continue to watch so that I then see the commercials so they can justify their advertising so that those four cocksuckers can get paid. I refuse to believe that Bob Ryan, John Saunders, they're not dumb guys. They're not. But if you listen to what they're arguing, it's the stupidest shit ever. Basically, because Tiger Woods hasn't won a major this year, they're questioning whether he's ever basically going to be able to put it back together again, completely ignoring the fact

that he got busted for cheating almost 30 times on his wife in front of the entire country and that he's going through a divorce right now that, you know, she wants $700 million and he wants to give her 300 million. They're in the process of negotiating that. And also he's going through a period in his life where he realized that he fucked up his whole marriage. You know, you guys, you know, not forget if you even fucked up a relationship. You haven't gone through a relationship that ends and you got to go through your fucking town and everywhere you go, you got a memory of that person. You're sitting there welling up in a Johnny Rockets. Would you like to get some french fries? Yes, yes, I would. She loved french fries. We used

to share them. All that shit. So you don't think he's going through that on a worldwide basis? Travel the world with that woman and just be, you know, when you fuck up to that level, you always want to go back. You know, you have to go through the regret before you can move on. So I'm sure he's sitting there at the British Open. As much as he's trying to block it out, as much as he's a competitor, there's no way as a human being for you not to be sitting there going, man, this time last year, my life was so different. Even though I didn't win it last year when I came up on 18, but she didn't play last year because his knee was hurt, but whatever. The last time he played it, you know, or maybe he did, I don't fucking know. He was coming up 18 and his wife was sitting there

with their kid and he got the hug and all the kiss and all that type of shit and it's not there. And he has to deal with that. And this is a fucking guy that, you know, he's a human being. He's such an idiot. The guy won a fucking tournament when his knee was blown out and he was screaming in pain after every goddamn shot and he still fucking won it. And they're going to question this guy with a reconstructed knee. You know, the guys in his early 30s, they've already written them off. Jack Nicholas won his final fucking masters at like 45, 46 years of age. It's just, it's, the whole debate was so fucking beneath guys like Bob Ryan, John Saunders. Was that who the guy was? You just sitting going, you guys don't even believe this shit. You're just trying to cause controversy

because you have to fill up 24 fucking hours. And that right there is why I don't watch those shows. You know, but you know, unless I'm on the fucking road and I got nothing else to do, and then it completely fucking pisses me off. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. Here's a question I got this week from a listener. Bill, I have a question. I have been dating a Filipina girl who is too short to be seen with in public. Geez, I mean, what, what a way to start this story. I'm seeing a girl who I can't be seen with in public. Okay, this relationship has legs. And the fact that I'm six foot three doesn't help at all. I mean, she is really small. Four foot five. This is one of the great sentences I've ever

read. Listen to this. Technically, she's a midget. So you would think people would kind of leave us alone out of respect for her shortness. Sir, do you realize that really short people or little people want to be called little people? They, midget is offensive. I learned that. I didn't think it was, I actually have that on my CD going. It was never a racial slur. You know, midgets weren't dragged here from another country and forced to do labor. You're a midget. What's wrong with that? And evidently, PT Barnum came up with it or something. Just to let you know, because I didn't know midget was offensive either, right? I knew it was offensive, but I didn't understand why. Midge is like the name for a really tiny bug, I guess. So

that's what they were saying. They say when you were like, you were like as small as a little, but they were comparing you to a little fucking insect, you know, and that goes to the elephant man thing. I am not an insect. I am a human being. What's the deal with midgets? So technically, she's a midget. So you would think people would kind of leave us alone out of respect for her shortness, but people, people stare me down everywhere we go. She's cute, nice, and sweet, but I feel uncomfortable being part of a sideshow all the time. Do you think it's acceptable for a tall man to date a tiny, a tiny woman? A tiny woman is what you mean. Do I think it's acceptable? Yeah, it's totally acceptable. Date with who you want to date. What's not, what's not acceptable

is dating someone you're not comfortable being seen with in public. I would work on not giving a fuck or I would get out of the relationship because I don't know how she hasn't picked up on it already, but if you're not comfortable with the person you're dating, I mean, I mean, I don't know. If someone can walk down the street with me and be comfortable walking down the street with a fucking redheaded freak, I think that, you know, you could get comfortable with her. I mean, when you walk down the street with it, you don't have her like fucking, you know, one of those, you don't have him one of those kitty things, you know, where she's sitting on your chest like a fucking primate. I guess we're all primates, aren't we? You know, in monkeys, when the fucking monkey just hangs on

the other, you know, wraps her arms around your back. I'm being a dick right now. You ever in a fanny pack? See this? I'm doing the exact fucking thing. Well, you gotta understand that's what people are gonna do. You gotta understand if you're a different looking couple, people are gonna give you shit and you just gotta get beyond it. You know, that's all I can say. I shouldn't have made those jokes because now you're probably thinking like, see, you're being a cunt too. I'm not being a cunt. I'm being a guy who is not even remotely funny this fucking week, trying to trudge through 15 fucking minutes, 50 minutes of a podcast. Alright, so I have to make fun of everything. So, I don't know, she's adorable. She's nice. If you think she's the one, I would stay with her.

If you don't think she's the one, get out of it immediately. Because even if she's not the one, eventually you'll have feelings for her. And then when you break up with her, you know, when you set her on the coffee table and say, look, we have to have a talk. I'm sorry, dude. Any joke, any, any port in a storm, I gotta fucking do it. And she starts crying. You know, it's the worst. That's why, you know something I'll tell you right now. This is why, like, I love how it's unacceptable to break up with somebody over the phone. You know who came up with that is women. Because they know how guilty they can make us fucking feel when they start crying. They want to make us feel as bad. It's a total vindictive fucking mood. There's

nothing wrong with breaking up with somebody on the phone. There's nothing wrong with like that dude on Sex in the City who wrote it on a post-it and stuck it to the TV. I have a girlfriend. I have seen some episodes of that show. Although I never get through the whole one because I would always piss my girl off. Because anytime the horny girl would make us anything she said in the show was always sexually related. And I told you guys this before any, any line she said after she said it, I would just go, cause she's a whore. And it would just piss my girl off to no one until by the end of the show she was doing it too. But anyways, I digressed. Let's fucking, let's fucking plow ahead here. There's nothing wrong. No matter what, it's going to make them cry. There's nothing

wrong with breaking up with someone through email. There's nothing wrong with doing it with the post-it. There's nothing wrong with doing it over the phone. In a way, there's actually, it's a caring thing that they're doing. It's like, I care about you so much and it would hurt me so much to see how much I'm hurting you that I can't even deal with watching how much I'm going to hurt you. You know, and you're out. It's a vindictive thing that women want you eyeball to eyeball. Watch you stand there and watch you crush them by saying, I don't want to be in a fucking relationship with you anymore. You know, it's fucking awful. When I always do, you know, back in the day, when I used to have to break up with somebody, I used to just think this, all right, dude,

it's, it's two hours of your life. The first leg of it. It's like the tour de France. Okay. We're just trying to get to the mountains. All right. The first two hour fucking leg. All right. She's going to cry. It's going to suck. You have to stick to your fucking guns. All right. Sit down. Just say, and there's probably people out there right now who need to get out of a relationship and you just don't know how to do it because you're young. All right. It's not going to get better. You can't make yourself love the person. You just have to fucking get out of it. This goes for the broads out there too. You just have to go, look, we need to talk. All right. I don't know what's going on, but I'm just not happy anymore. You know, and you can use all

the hacky stuff. You're a great person, but I'm just not, I'm not feeling it. I'm just not. And you know, that's, it's all there is to it. Look, I'm already getting nervous. Just picture in the girl crying. It's all there, you know, you're, it's not fair to you. It's not fair to you. It's so what do you say? We can't work. And this is the thing. They try to fucking, they try to save it. And you just have to be like that dude in the first Star Wars, stay on target, stay on target, right? Well, you know, I've been thinking things like that too. I just think we don't see each other enough. You know, and maybe that's why I've been avoiding you. You can't say that. You can't be mean. And just be like, look, no, I'm, I'm, this is truly how I feel. And

yeah, that's, it's just, it's just how I feel. And then just let them emote and let them go. You know, it's like deep sea fishing. When you get that line, the fucking thing takes off. We got a bite. You got to let it go. You can't fucking clamp the thing down and then snap the line. You know, then she's free. She's going to come back around and attack the fucking boat like in Jaws. You got to let it go. Jump up out of the water, flop around and get fucking tired. You know, and, and, uh, yeah, and you just, you just, it's a two hour fucking thing. Okay. And all you have to do is just say how you're feeling and then just let her fucking run and start fucking crying and go through all the emotions she needs to, to get through. And you

just have to sit there and stick to your guns. All right. And then comes the hardest part is, uh, if you're in her apartment, that's a great thing. So you can fucking leave. It's worse if you do it in your apartment because then you have to kick them out. So yeah, that's how I feel. And, uh, I need you to vacate the premises. And right as you say that, you got to have your friends step out, dress like a bouncer with one of those fucking cell phone ear, earpiece things standing there like a bouncer, you know, when they stand with their hands folded in front of them, one hand holding the wrist of the other arm, you know, no, you got to do it over to her place and just say, you know, I'm not going to date anybody for a while or

whatever the fuck you got to say. And I just, you know, and if she says, can I call you? You just, yeah, you just say yes. Yes, you can. And then decide whether you really meant that or not later. But, uh, and I don't know. And then you got to get away from them. You got to get away from them. Um, because if you keep coming back, it just starts the pain over again. And then also on your level is you're going to have to try to get over them, even though you are over them. But still, now you're going to be alone. You can have that panic attack. Well, who am I going to be with? What did I used to do when I was single? How did I fill up all this fucking time? Just ride it out. Just know it's going to suck for six weeks. All right. Six weeks later, you're out.

Football season starts, you know, the smell of fall comes through the fucking windows. You know, your buddy fucking brings over maybe a couple of girls and went to sports. You find another one. God dammit, look at her. And then you're, you're on your fucking way. It's spring again in the fall. See, it has a happy ending. That's how you fucking do it. Jesus Christ, there was some advice for you. How to fucking break up with somebody. Do you guys have any stories about like the worst way you were ever broken up with? Or the best, best way somebody ever broke up with you? You know, I broke up with someone one time and then I bought her a hot dog.

And it was weird. It was when I was a little bit older. And I just had a really, it was just totally fucking honest. I just had an honest talk and I said, look, we're both, we're both couple psychos. I mean, haven't you noticed? I had, you ever have that fucking relationship where everything, it just doesn't feel right. And then you freak out. You have an argument and then you just fuck. And then it feels right again. And then it slowly starts going off course again. And then you have a big argument and then you fuck again right after it. And I don't know, I just finally hit me. I was just like, yeah, this is just, this relationship isn't working. Really isn't working. And then what happens is, is then we

fuck and it's a lot of fun. It's just, it's just based on sex. We're having a really good time fucking reformicating. I could try to be a gentleman here. That's basically what we're doing. But other than that, we don't really enjoy each other's company. You want a hot dog? You know what it was was I did it early enough in the relationship where the woman still actually respected me and she actually complimented me. I mean, it was a little more involved than that. But she actually complimented. She goes, you know what that was? That was a pretty good breakup. I got to give it to you. Then you walked me down to the train. We waved goodbye as the train slowly went away. It was like the end of like a fucking film noir movie. Well, it's classic films. You played it for her,

you can play it for me. Play it for me there fucking black guy who doesn't get any lines because it's 1940s. I was actually the TV here in my walk-in closet $400 a night fucking hotel. I was actually watching that Turner movie classics, man. Jesus Christ. When I get on that thing, forget about it. I was actually, I watched, you know, like the road movie, the buddy road movie. I didn't realize this. The first ones, the guys who invented that genre of movie was, was it Bing Crosby and fucking Bob Hope? I had no idea. And they were right as I had to go out last night to watch, to go run my set. They had the third in their trilogy. And I forget of the buddy movies. I think they did more after that, but I guess this was their best one.

And I can't even remember the name of the movie, but it basically, the premise of the movie was that they, they went to some fucking Arabian, you know, back then there was no Middle East, everything was just Arabian, whatever the fuck that meant. Or does that mean like Arabic country? I don't fucking know. But the whole thing was they had to get out of something. So, Bing Crosby sells Bob Hope into slavery. Like slavery was still funny back then. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. All I know is I watched the thing. And right, the movie that I watched right before that was a movie called Zero Hour. And it absolutely blew me away. I'm sitting there watching this movie. I came in in the middle of

this flick. And there's a guy talking about this guy who's got to try to land this plane. And the guy's name is Ted Stryker. I'm going Ted Stryker. That was the name of the guy in airplane. And it's literally the same movie. And I finally fucking realized that that was the movie that airplane was making a parody of, was a movie called Zero Hour that came out in like the mid 50s. For the life of me, I thought that they were making fun of, you know, those movie airport. Airport 76, airport 77, those ones with like George Kennedy. I thought that they were making fun of those movies and they weren't. They basically almost did a frame for frame remake of Zero Hour. And if you don't want to watch the movie, go on YouTube and watch

airplane versus Zero Hour. You can't fucking believe how similar, I mean, all these subtle things, they brings the kid up to the cockpit. Hey Billy, you ever been up in a cockpit before? And he's like, no, this is my first time. Except in the real one, the first one, it drops off there. But an airplane, then the guy says, Billy, you ever seen a grown man naked? They added all that shit. So Zero Hour, check out that movie. I'll give you the YouTube videos for the week. I might at least have 30 minutes, 44 minutes. I somehow fucking did it again this week. All right, YouTube videos of the week. Go check out Best of Balls of Steel. It's a jackass show from, I don't know, over in England. And these guys are fucking great. They're fucking, they're just hilarious.

And they keep going to this McDonald's. Give me four Big Macs, give me seven double cheeseburgers and some fucking diddy donuts. I don't know what diddy donuts are, but they just keep going and some fucking diddy donuts. And it makes me laugh every time. And I just butchered it. I'm telling you, it's funny. And also for you animal fans out there, watch Eagle vs. Goat. I guess in the wild. This is how strong these Eagles are. They find little goats and they fly down to them. The goats fucking run away. The Eagles grab them, pick them up, just will grab one of their legs and they drag them off the cliff and just drop them. That's how they kill them. But they actually have the ability to fly a little bit with them. That's how strong they are. And they wait till

they're high enough and then they just drop them and they bounce down off the cliff like some sort of ex-gamer who lost his footing. And the goat dies and then they fly down and they fucking eat it. And there you go. And I think that that's going to be the podcast for this week because I actually have to go, it's New York. I got to go do some shit, you know? People don't go to New York, just stay in the hotel rooms. That's how we justify making them so fucking small. Goddamn cunts. Hey, let me hype some of the shit that I actually have coming up. Here's something that actually fell out of the sky. I have a gig coming up in Chicago. All right. And why isn't my fucking webpage loading? Official site of Bill Burr. BillBurr.com,

everybody. It'll make you a better person. My next gig after I do Letterman is on Friday of this week, July 23rd. I'm working with Vince Vaughn and Kevin James. It's part of that Vince Vaughn Wild West tour. We're doing the Park West Theater in Chicago, Illinois. I have the link right on my website. I'm just going to be doing like 15 minutes, but it's going to be me, Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, and I forget who else, but it's like just a ridiculously star-studded shoe. And I should definitely check it out and bring your friends. Bring everybody you fucking can. All the proceeds from this show will go to the people who worked on the show, the performers. All the proceeds will actually go to the performers and we'll go out and buy shiny shit with it. So just want to thank

all you guys ahead of time. After that, on July 31st, I'll be at the Shoreline Ampitheater in Mountain View, California with like 10 other fucking comedians doing something up there for a radio program. And my next solo show, though, is going to be at the comedy store in La Jolla, California, which is just north of San Diego. So all you guys down in San Diego who have always asked me when the fuck you're coming, I'm coming on August 6th and August 7th. All right. And the last thing will be I'm going to hype Newport Yachting Center in Newport, Rhode Island, August 12th, and the Hampton Beach Casino in Hampton, New Hampshire. Hampton Beach, New Hampshire on August 13th. And by the way, last week I did a little rant, you know, about the LeBron James, you know,

being afraid of the big, big stage in New York and actually went down to the comedy store. And fuck, I can always forget to pipe the damn page. TheMMpodcast.com. All right. TheMMpodcast.com. Go to that. That's the official. There's no other fan page for the Monday Morning Podcast. TheMMpodcast.com. All the references I've made, I know I made a reference to something fucking old a number of times in this podcast. He puts up all the references, all the YouTube videos will be there so you can just click on them as I'm talking about them. And anyways, we actually filmed, I did a different rant along the same lines and they put it up on Barstool Sports. It got a ton of fucking hits and Toucher and Dave. Is that the name of the show?

I'm such a douche. How did I fuck that up? I just pan. You know what it is because I don't know how to read that I actually thought Toucher was too sure. Is it too sure? The guy's on BCN. Toucher and Rich. There we go. That brain isn't fucking awake. I didn't even have to look it up just for the fucking record. You know what, I just tried to thank those guys and I fucked up the name of their show. Toucher and Rich played it and then actually let me call in and hype my show. So I'm feeling like I'm really becoming internet savvy because back in the day I'd have to get on a plane for six fucking hours, land, get up two hours later, go into their studio half asleep and half as funny as I usually am and try to hype my gigs. I actually got to plug out a month beforehand or three weeks

before or two weeks. I don't know what the date is. Toucher and Rich. Sorry about that guys. What an asshole. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it and I wanted to know was it easier to download last week when I put it through GarageBand because I was actually able to make it a smaller audio file? Did it download quicker? Because I think I'm going to try to do it again this week because I know it uploaded a lot quicker. Was that interesting? You know what, I think that's very fitting that I said something that wasn't funny to end this podcast because that's how it's felt. I know I came out with a head of steam. You know what I mean? I came out guns of blazin', kind of like a Peyton Manning football season. Just lighten everybody up and then right in

the end when it really counts, I shit the bed. Wow, did I really have to trash him? I think I did. All right, you guys have a great week and if you're in the Chicago area, please come out to the show. And that is it. Have a great week. Drive up a perfection ever since I was a snot-nosed colossal. you