Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-2-15

Episode Date: July 3, 2015

Bill rambles about the 4th of July, Tony Monsanto and P. Diddy.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and this is the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast

just before Friday afternoon and I just checking it on you what's going on for July 2nd 2015 happy birthday to America happy birthday to woo woo woo America happy birthday uncle Sammy happy birthday to you go fuck yourself all right it's it's it's it's it's the fucking birthday of this country and you know what that means right you get out there in your truck you get yourself a big old burger undo your fucking top button and most of your zipper let that belly out let it walk around I tell you what 4th of July in Los Angeles I will tell you is like no other place seriously like they they it's an absolute fucking free for all you can shoot off essentially whatever the fuck you want wherever you want regardless

of safety and we are now in the fourth year evidently of the drought I knew we were having water issues I didn't realize that it was the fourth year because either I wasn't paying attention or they're finally starting to report on it so it is dry as can be you know dry is a fucking white guy's torso anyways so I am predicting once again last year was the first time you know I go up I go up on the roof I go up on the roof and I watch the fireworks you know I fucking put a little lawn chair down this is the end of the day right I just sit up there and I smoke a cigar and I have my fucking my Miller high life plural exactly I have a hell of a time getting back down because there's you know the only way to get up

on the roof is by a ladder right so but I just sit up there and I just I just watch all of them going off and I think was last year the year before was the first time I saw it I saw some something basically fireworks show worthy lit lit off by just some jackass on a street that has a bunch of palm trees and apartment buildings and I saw it explode and it started to go out and then it started to go up again and we were all standing up there going is that on fire is that fucking place on fire fortunately was right around the block from the fire station and I gotta tell you I gotta hand it to the LA FD the fire department that fucking thing caught on fire there their sirens came on within the minute and they were over there the whole thing was done within like

sweaty god two or three minutes which was incredible and I couldn't tell from where I was at if it was a tree or what don't I just sound like the awful reporter on site now I don't know if that's a tree if it's an apartment or a person but whatever it is it is definitely on fire back to you chat thank you Wilhelmina she's a new addition transgender transgender ginger from Massachusetts Wilhelmina Bert Wilhelmina we just want to say how much we support what you are doing anyways so I gotta get into with somebody I think I had some good shows this week there was no fucking problems you know which I said to that couple last week that got offended when I got mad and I used that word that I should have said well what if I said this word which was a different bad word for another

group of people you know it's funny you wouldn't have got offended and you would stand here slap me on my back saying what a funny edgy show it was oh Billy you're still not over it no I'm not I'm not so anyways I'm gonna do a little bit of grilling this weekend and I got some family over here you know the pressure right you take out your grill you got to make sure you fucking you're doing it right not like Versey we'll just let anybody jump on his fucking grill maybe that's the genius of Versey I don't know but I'm going simple this year I was gonna do the whole fucking pork shoulder and all that and I just been so fucking busy I'm like you know what at the end of the day how drunk people are gonna be did they really need anything more than fucking burgers and hot

dogs I'm a one year for the Rose Bowl Jay Law had smoked a pork shoulder which evidently was delicious but by the time he took it out I was so shit-faced I had already started my cigar like the meal had already happened so then he gave it to me and I was sitting in a fucking lawn chair with a beer in one hand a cigar in the other and I was trying to figure out how to set down one of the other so I could pick at it it was an absolute shit show so I don't know what why go through that effort I know what the fuck I'm talking about so anyways happy 4th of July to everybody and I hope you have even if you're around the world and it doesn't mean shit to you you know what I mean like I had never heard a Cinco de Mayo until I came out here to LA and I

actually asked the classic white guy question what day is Cinco de Mayo for those of you who are like me that basically means in Spanish it means 5th of May it's like the 4th of July and so what day is the 4th of July that's what that's what I was I was that person well actually no because I didn't say the whole thing in Spanish so I'll be a 4th of July right Bill we get it we get it so anyways being a lover of all things old one of the frustrations of that is every day you know something happens I have my old truck 68 f100 I have my old house which was made in the 19 fucking 20s and if it's not one thing it's a fuck another in some days it's both like today I started my day I had to go do some look at some of the writing some of the drawings for F is for

family by the way which is coming out in December we got three episodes three episodes in it's a serialized theories meaning basically each you know they don't stand alone like the Simpsons so this is gonna be like it's gonna be like watching True Detective except it's a cartoon and it's not as gritty I don't know how to describe it I think it's gonna be fucking funny so I went down there today to go look at it so I got my truck and and I don't know what happened this morning I come down stay maybe because I left it on a hill any gear heads know this I had my tarp and the on the passenger side floor and I go to take out the tarp I need to wash it anyways so I didn't have it on my truck as it I get my truck washed I throw the tarp on then it gets dirty it's a long fucking story so

I go to pick it up and it's covered in like not covered but it's there's a bunch of antifreeze leaked out from underneath the from the dashboard area now I know I have the way the heating system works I have a heater coil right behind my glove box that I had to replace now I don't know if I don't know why any there'd be antifreeze in there I have no fucking idea I don't really understand the cooling system belong beyond what it does for the engine block but anyways there it was it was all that I had it wadded up by the time I realized it was on the tarp I already had it against my shirt and my pants I had a light pair of great pants on and I was just like yeah you know what fuck it so I toss that thing aside I go to work and I'm joking with people laughing I got a brand

new fucking engine in there like how could I have a fucking problem you know why because the fucking thing's almost 50 years old that's why Bill you get out of bed every morning no matter how good a night's sleep you got something's fucked up on you well you're driving you're driving you Bill that's what you're doing so then I come home right picked up one of my family members down the airport fucking when I've got a burger and a beer they make the best burgers out here in LA I have to say and I back it into the driveway and I get out of the truck because I got to close the gate and I grabbed the handle and the fucking handle comes off on the gate so you know I've I don't what what why buy things why do you buy shit so then it just fucking breaks down but um I

didn't want to get into it so anyway so I got all these fucking people over here so it's gonna be really stressful and we got to figure out where the fuck we're gonna put everybody and all of this bullshit and I don't know me and my wife kind of kind of been getting into it you know I mean she bought one of these fucking pullout fucking sofas I remember a long time ago Todd Barry used to do this perfect joke about the pullout bed sofa thing because they're gonna stick it in my office right and of course there's no fucking room for it there's no room for it so now you know it's just like you know what fuck it I'll get rid of my desk I don't need an office anyways whenever I do the podcast I do it in the bedroom anyways laying down on the bed I don't need an

office you know you got an office you know I'll just fucking use yours I don't want you to use mine so whatever Todd Barry used to have this great joke about the fucking pullout couch where he was just going like you know you know he's like a pullout couch he goes it's an uncomfortable couch that pulls out to an even more uncomfortable bed I'm butchering it but I used to always laugh because it was perfect I was living in New York City at the time we all had small apartments and you know you'd hook up with somebody or go over some chicks house and hook over a house a fucking apartment and you'd be one of those fucking things and you'd be on you know you'd be a healthy not a healthy scratch you wouldn't be playing the next game is basically what I'm saying so we're

getting one of those and I haven't slept on one of those fucking things since I was 30 I slept on a futon until I was 36 not proud of it but I did I made the sacrifices so I could scream cunt on my own podcast someday right so I haven't slept on those in a while so maybe the technology has gotten a little better I don't know I have no idea but anyways why I feel like I got nothing to fucking talk about today I'm just excited I got the whole fucking weekend so last week I started to talk about the Bruins and what Don Sweeney did and why they let everybody go and how I didn't understand it and as usual they're saying that everybody wanted like a 50-year contract like Dougie Hamilton wanted to get paid like the best defenseman in the league is what they were saying

and then evidently Lucic wanted like a fucking eight-year contract and blah blah blah blah blah I don't know whether to believe it I don't know who shot I don't know who's not I don't know what to believe with this fucking thing all I know is I'm just sitting there thinking we got rid of Tyler Sagan, Johnny Boychuk, Dougie Hamilton, and Milan Lucic all in the last three four years three four seasons I should say so um I don't know I guess we just got some goon from Philly I don't know how that helps us I don't know how that helps us I don't know what the fuck we're doing I I'm not a big fan of draft picks I'm a big fan of people that have proven themselves I'm saying you couldn't pay one of those guys I would have kept Lucic I give a fuck all you guys

sitting there saying he's not scoring as much nobody scored as much last year we had a brutal fucking season so now all of a sudden Milan Lucic isn't one isn't a fucking guy he can build the team around sorry this is like a delayed reaction I think I was just in shock so um I just feel like next year when I go you know get the center ice package when I go to watch the Bruins I'm gonna feel like I'm watching the Blue Jackets or some team that I never fucking watched no disrespect to all you hockey fans out there in Columbus Ohio hey OSU fans you guys getting a little nervous about uh Harbaugh there's a John Harbaugh captain come back bringing fucking Michigan back you starting to hear those horns playing

listen to it listen to it this weekend when you're out there with your fireworks right and your fucking OSU championship t-shirt you're not gonna tell me that way in the distance the wind's blowing just right you know you're not gonna start here you guys gonna flip out you ain't won shit you ain't won shit and fucking I can't even remember that time you won a championship why would people in Ohio have a southern accent bill I don't know because it's offensive um I'm hoping here's the John Harbaugh bringing the uh is it John Harbaugh I can't remember anything anymore uh the fucking Wolverines back I hope he does because I would love to see that become a rivalry again you know what I mean it's like you know Bruins Canadians

as much as I shit in the Canadians it's no fun when the Canadians stink you want to beat them when they're good or at least you know their version of good now which is well you know we won a couple rounds of the playoffs poor bastards poor french bastards I'm actually gonna be up there later on this month I'm doing a gig in Ottawa and in September I'm doing Toronto so that's the extent of my Canadian shit that I'm going to be doing this year and um for those of you who want to complain relax all right the way global warming is going your country will be a fun place to tour within eight months you know so who knows maybe I'll be up there maybe I will be maybe I won't so uh anyways let me do a little bit of advertising here and see if I can get this fucking thing back

on the rails uh Hulu everybody for the first time ever you can now stream the entire Seinfeld series exclusively on Hulu that's every episode all nine seasons all streaming on Hulu for $7.99 a month visit Hulu.com and sign up to get access to all of your favorite Seinfeld episodes again for $7.99 a month you can watch all nine seasons of Seinfeld with your Hulu subscription and the last quick read here zip zip recruiter are you hiring but not sure where to find the best candidates well are you as a business owner I can tell you that your company is only as good as the people you hire jeez bill what insight you mean if I hire a bunch of morons my company still won't be good I can also tell you that posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates

but when you you're short staffed there's no time to deal with the dozens of different job sites until now thanks to ziprecruiter.com um I can post to 100 plus job sites with one single click why are you saying that I mean I know I can do it but why would I do it I don't have any employees if I were to want employees this is what I would do just post once and within 24 hours watch your candidates roll into zip recruiter easy zip recruiter is easy to use interface plus be instantly matched to candidates from over four million resumes zip recruiter has been used by over 400 000 businesses and you can try it right now for free getting the right people for your company is so important try zip recruiter and get your perfect candidate before they go to

somebody else today you can try zip recruiter for free I literally the way I'm reading this is like the way walkin does the line like could anybody hear a period any punctuation in any of that uh go to ziprecruiter.com slash burr that's ziprecruiter.com slash burr again ziprecruiter.com slash burr oh you know this whole podcast I've been sitting here trying to wonder what the fuck it was that I needed to talk about which is probably why the first 10 minutes were so goddamn bad my apologies how could I do that on the on the birthday of this nation you know so um didn't the Native Americans have like a 4th of July type of thing they must have their holidays right did we take those away from them too you know anyways fucking horrible

let's plow ahead here um I need to apologize specifically heartfelt apologies from the lovely Nia to the person last week that wrote the the hypothetical about P. Diddy and the kettlebell and 50 million bucks it just seems so fucking random um I think we were out of the country when that whole thing happened or I don't know what we were doing but we missed for those of you who also live under a rock or maybe just have better shit to do with your life P. Diddy was arrested on UCLA's campus Monday for getting into a fight with the Bruins assistant coach early Monday afternoon and later charged with three counts of assault with a deadly weapon one count of making terrorist threats and one count of battery making terrorist threats what is that I'll fucking murder your

whole family you know this shit you yelling you're mad terrorist threats the fuck constitutes a terrorist threat at this point I'm having a bottled water and your carry on um yes you read that correctly and yes that P. Diddy and then of course the snarky comment he'll always be puffed daddy to me oh Sam Cooper um Diddy's son Justin Combs is a red shirt junior defensive back for the Bruins he's that fucking old I remember living in Manhattan when he was a kid and Diddy had that fucking uh restaurant called Justin's he was a little kid they used to do stand-up down there and P. Diddy would come in there and he would hack all the fucking comics it was a brutal gig um he's played in seven games combined over the past two season this is his kid registering four

tackles according to um these people here one of us UCLA's assistant coaches was screaming at Justin on the field and Diddy later confronted the coach and grabbed him as a result Diddy 45 was arrested for assault and remains in custody at the campus jail isn't that fucking hilarious who would have thought that Sean Combs was a helicopter parent shouldn't you be like flipping out at like his pop water game it's like he's a man now I don't know maybe it's hard fucking watching your kid getting screamed at I have no idea UCLA later confirmed the report and said that uh Sean Combs let's just use this real name was charged with assault with the deadly weapon with the weapon being a kettlebell a piece of weightlifting equipment for all you fucking lazy bastards out there

here's UCLA's full statement shortly after 12 30 p.m today Sean Combs aka P. Diddy was arrested at UCLA's Acosta athletic training camp but we already we already know this shit he said I'm thankful that our staff showed the level of professionalism that they did in handling this situation well how difficult was it there's a bunch of football people here's a picture of what what are you doing you know at some point you just got to give in to the fact that your kid's not going to make the pros sit there attacked in a uh a fucking assistant coach get your god damn head in the game and all of a sudden do you think he did one of those little diddy dances you know as he came over you remember that thing he did what he bent over at the waist

and kind of just walked up with his shoulders going up and down the P the I the D the D the Y uh uh uh the fucking diddy hold up remember that and that guy from meet the parents Ben Kingsley bent uh Ben fucking uh Ben uh Sizzowitz Ben shenanigans Ben Stiller Ben Stiller was in that fucker all right he did the whole beginning thing Fade like he was his neighbor and then Sean Combs did his his what he thinks is hilarious that deadpan look at the camera and turns his head to the side and you could just hear all the white people laughing like it was the funniest thing ever oh instead of going like listen Sean Mr. Combs I I want to tell you that sucks but you had just gotten into that incident where you're saying the gun was shines was that his name

remember that guy went to jail it's back when did he was still banging uh what's her face there the chick from the Jennifer Lopez right before she was with Ben Affleck before she was with the fucking backup dancer before she got with the fucking uh that fucking guy that looks like Latino Anthony Cumia what the fuck was that guy's name what did he say he's saying one of he's saying all those fucking oh Jesus what the fuck was that guy's name Piazzadora ah fucking it's something junior isn't it Freddie Prince junior I don't fuck well what are you gonna do what are you gonna do that you know what it's unfortunate parents I'm not a parent so I can say this with confidence you know I can say this without prejudice sometimes your kids just can't play at the next level

you know and you just gotta you gotta deal with it and they're gonna get yelled at at the collegiate level because you think that assistant coach wants to be the assistant coach for the rest of his life he doesn't he wants to be the head coach and then he wants to get to the pros that's what he wants to do and sometimes your kids getting in the way of that dream you know and they got they gotta yell at him so uh I'm gonna go out on a limb having not seen any of the footage say that obviously there was a complete fucking overreaction but I will say that no terrorist threat was fucking made under the definition of a law I'm sure was a terror terrorist threat like I'll kill your whole family or something you know I'll blow this fucking place up like people use that that's

just an expression for when I was growing I'll burn this I'll burn the room down they say you know right fucking people step off from behind the bushes and you put it on a most wanted list hey here's a bet I'd be willing to make I'm not making it but I'm willing to make it with one person I'll bet anybody out there a thousand dollars that at no point during this next presidential election at no point will anybody who has a serious chance at at becoming the next president of the United States at all will they bring a bullfucking Antony Tom Monsanto there nobody's gonna bring that shit up is they're sitting there charging p-ditty with with making terrorist threats is that what it is and meanwhile these guys are fucking up the whole food supply

for their own countrymen it's the biggest like act of treason terrorism whatever you want to fucking call it do you know they just passed a fucking law the house votes this is how underpaid politicians are and rich people get them into office corporations and all this shit house votes to repeal meat labeling law under threat of retaliation from Canada and Mexico we basically passed a law that's going to say that we don't have to say where the meat comes from yeah so you basically have no idea what the fuck you're eating under threat of trade relation from Canada and Mexico the house has voted to repeal a law requiring country of origin labels on packages of beef pork and poultry

oh wait canada and mexico are arguing oh wait wait wait whoa whoa so canada and mexico also have fucked up food so they they don't want that either no this is the end this is the end of the fucking world the world trade organization rejected a us appeal last month ruling that the labels that say where animals were born raised in slaughter are discriminatory against the two us border countries oh yeah don't bring in your fucking genetically altered food and fuck with ours you cunts uh both have said they plan to talk to the world trade organization for permission to impose billions of dollars in tariffs on american goods well jokes on you buddy we don't make anything here anymore i don't know that we export anything other than fucked up food right i don't know

but anyways i guarantee you that um if i every once in a while if i read a story before i started talking about it um i i i guarantee nobody's gonna bring that up i doubt anybody's gonna bring up that nesli doesn't think that uh water is a human right and that corporations are in the process of trying to privatize water so you know i don't know if it rains and you stick your tongue out you owe him money it's just it's going down it's why i was talking about i did that that um night at too many stars i was joking around what i the president should have fuck you money he shouldn't make 400 grand a year if that guy could feel good about where he's gonna be at the end of his you know if for eight years you made 400 grand every year okay do you think you'd be set for

life walking out in your fifties you know there's no fucking way and that they they go around and they give those speeches after they their their president to these fucking corporations that got him in and they get a million dollars a night and that's that's them washing their bribe money and that's how they they they take care of them i don't know i'm going down the fucking river notice that guys i'm slowly going back down the rabbit hole again just because i know i know another fucking elections coming up uh they won't they won't talk about any of that shit so when he was what what can i talk about that's a little happier than that um oh last night i'm getting ready for another god damn comedy jam and uh i um i played for like two hours i got fucking

blisters on my fingers i don't know it's because i'm just hadn't played in a minute because i was focusing on the helicopter ship but it was the most goddamn fun i've had in so long two hours in this rehearsal space we went through all the songs that we had done on the previous ones uh all these fucking 80 songs dr feelgood paradise city custard pie what else are we doing i want so now we're working on a new one uh i know i never tell you what the song is so um i'm i'm getting geared up to do that again and uh i can't tell you there's nothing more fun than playing fucking drums if you don't have a good time playing drums you're an asshole i mean i am an asshole i don't know well wait a second you know i think the problem with this podcast was i had one beer

before i did it about an hour ago and that's enough for a guy a guy of my age a man of a certain age if you have one beer in the afternoon you're done you're done you got to take a fucking nap let's end on this everybody mercedes amg that's like their shelby division no no i don't mean to insult mercedes by comparing them to an american car i know how insulting that is you know i met some german girl and i was talking about uh i was on the road this german woman i was going like oh man you guys got great cars like bmw she goes outie and i go mercedes and then she just rolled her eyes she goes it's a cab like it's a taxi because when you go over there like that's what all their taxis are so they don't even fucking respect them um saying amg will build

something fast is a given uh that's its specialty but in this instance a suitably vague teaser video has piqued our interest evidently they're making some sort of v8 they don't know what the fuck it is i'll have the link for this you guys want to hear what it sounds like this is their little teaser here amg something fast is coming come on come on show me the fucking car oh you know what i'm not showing you that because that was just a waste of 19 seconds of my life you know fuck you i'm glad you lost both wars your cunts something fast is coming you're supposed to your amg right you know what this is a complete clusterfuck i apologize to check in you want in on you the way i did this week did i even ask you i mean i'm supposed to be checking

in on you i didn't ask you about anything like how was your work week you know are they making your work the friday are they making you work the third your boss makes you do i now don't blame your fucking boss and like whoever's the shot collar you got to figure out who who's the fucking evil cunt that won't give you the half day on the third right because you know businesses psyched at the fourth of july is on saturday ah great we don't have to give him a fucking day off fuck him make him come in friday tell him to stay till five thirty find out who the shot collar is and uh i don't know you got to you got to do something fucking stupid you know maybe you take whatever condiment you were going to put on your hotdog that day and

you stick it under his door handle that's such a chick cunty fucking thing to do but it is hilarious now whatever you do don't make a youtube video of it and then send it to me and then you're going to get caught just don't do that but i'm just saying it's got to be something you can do is it consider an act of terrorism now to do the old gag where you put the bucket of water over somebody's door you know why did that go away i think it was considered hack after a while but it still is one of the funniest fucking things ever to see somebody staying there not in swim trunks dressed ready to go to work and have a bucket of water go over their head right it's an act of terrorism do you support isis um oh jesus bill oh that's this you know it's this podcast this was

i should have renamed this podcast oh jesus maybe i don't have enough to talk about you know what is i got off the fucking road finally um i got off the road and uh i haven't had to do shit i think i did one show this week is that all i did i don't know i'm gearing up for the montreal comedy festival and uh i'm doing some godforsaken gig in ottawa which is either going to be amazing or it's going to be an absolute shit show i think it's some sort of blues festival or something i'm just picturing a bunch of bikers you know the only thing worse than a bunch of bikers is a bunch of canadian bikers you know because at least the ones down here they're frightening you know up there they're probably all fine oh jesus why why would i do that why would i say that before i go up there

then they have to prove how fucking tough they are you know that's gotta be weird right joining a fucking biker gang it's like am i seriously gonna do this with my life what do you do hey hey i haven't seen you since high school what what do you do oh i'm gonna count what do you do i'm in a biker gang yeah i'm making my money uh selling drugs and uh prostituting women you know at the end of the office area it just wasn't for me i tried the cubicle thing and uh i don't know that i just started getting tattoos it started with the uh you know the classic early 90 ones you know i got a tramp stamp and barbed wire around my fucking arm and then it just continued you next thing you know i don't know oxy came out right i was sick of crank anyways right oxy

came out and then and then here we go by the way did anybody see what eddie van halen said this week eddie van halen i swear to god man that guy is like he's becoming did you guys ever see that that documentary beware of mr baker and there's this whole thing on ginger baker who uh i'm obviously a big fan of um i mean the guy just comes off as one of the most psychotic fucking human beings you wouldn't ever want to be around and i hate to say it that just watching eddie i'm so fucking old i remember when he was a young guy 25 year old kid just redefining the guitar and just to watch him turn into this grumpy old man i guess there's some sort of horseshit going on between him and the bass player michael anthony i know he's not in the band anymore i don't know what happened this week

but eddie basically said like you know what if van halen fans don't shut the fuck up i'll bring back gary charoen as the lead vocalist that'll give him something to bitch about and it's just like jesus christ dude you had to shit on gary he ain't fucking do anything how'd you drag him in is that his name i don't know what the fuck his name is it's just really he's dead i don't know it's like eddie just go play the guitar and shut the fuck up man i don't understand what what this guy's problem is let me see something let me let me then get the exact goddamn quote here then i swear to god i'll get out of your way what do you care even though this this one kind of sucked this week you gotta admit you know it's a short fucking week if you have a boss with a uh who has a heart

you know what i mean they let you off for the friday who's kidding we don't make anything here anyways what are you taking a day off from answering phones you know calling up china and tell them to have the crying people in the background who build this shit for no money to shut the fuck up while you listen to uh some spreadsheet numbers sorry i have no i'm i'm just i'm totally i'm just back into this shit all right michael anthony eddie van halen here we go what do we got something fastest coming can you believe that fucking that that was like clickbait and when you see this car it's gonna change your whole attitude of what cars could be um where is it

ah jesus christ there's so much fucking drama listen this is when you look up eddie van halen michael anthony this this is this is the front page this is how much fucking chick yelling and screaming is going on in this band michael anthony says it's really sad he hasn't spoken to i don't want the rest of this gary sharon reflects on his three-year stint in van halen david lee roth vents about van halen's future uh sammy haigard defends michael anthony um sammy haigard predicts michael anthony will rejoin van halen uh sammy haigard defends michael anthony fuck you eddie michael anthony i never quit van halen ladies ladies can we just get back to running with the devil there can we just do that um i got the greatest reality show ever you

take fucking eddie van halen and axl rose all right and then you have steven adler play the donald trump role as who gets fired from their fucking band you know or whatever gets out of it maybe i didn't have a great idea maybe i had it i just thought of the people and i thought it was great speaking of which you see donald trump got fired from his own fucking show i actually think that he's getting paid by the illuminati as a distraction because i absolutely fucking love this guy in this election and i'll give a fuck what he says at least he's saying something different as opposed to everybody else yeah you gotta stress education make this country great again right i just like that he just sounds like some fucking drunk in a bar with his simple stupid solutions

hey uh trump what about the hole in the ozone layer well i'd get a ladder and i'd fill it up so what's wrong with this country everybody's afraid to get a ladder she's like what are you talking about you know they we can't get ladders because of the koreans they're a bunch of rapists he's literally sounds like he's like that guy at closing time where everybody's going like oh jesus is he gonna puke let's get this guy a fucking cab um somebody please explain to me how that guy's worth nine billion dollars i just i for the life of me i don't buy it i really don't so he's his running his yap which is fun he's lost his tv show and i think his clothing line at macy's and what's the funniest fucking thing ever is to watch the network they'll issue statements like

we don't stand by some of the hateful things that he said about mexico mexicans and it's like fuck you you don't stand by losing money and people are bitching to you and they're threatening to your fucking advertisers quit acting like you give a fuck about about anybody right oh jesus bill jesus i was so fucking negative maybe somebody at the network does care um all right so that's it already saying happy birthday to america hey canada when's when's your uh oh i should have done it on synco domino right happy birthday to mexico happy birthday to mexico bueno birthday dear mexico oh i don't know anymore yo tango pero wow yo tango pero greece i don't fucking know i don't i don't fucking what do you want for me

i swear to god i have one beer one beer and i'm not drunk but i can't think all right there you go there's your podcast just check it out on you and we got uh we got some greatest hits coming up here people please have a happy and safe holiday all right boos and fireworks don't work but boos and your friends with fireworks definitely works so find a safe place for your drunk ass to watch and blow their fingers off or light their backyard on fire all right if you have drunk friends over do not have fireworks if you're going to your friend's house and they are drunk and they have fireworks let them do what they want it's their house just make sure you have enough juice in your phone to be able to videotape what's what happens and please send it to me here at the the mm podcast

and um and that is it all right go fuck no i don't have a wonderful weekend god bless you all right you can't i'll talk to you um there was a lot of shit this week that fucking enjoyed me um on the gas mileage thing i brought up last week how i was watching uh the goodbye girl and she was standing like one of the characters was standing in front of a fucking Subaru and uh it got 39 miles per gallon and here it is 36 years later and my car only gets fucking uh a hybrid only gets 41 miles per gallon so this brilliant guy writes in and he goes and he starts talking about leaded gas and all this fucking how cars today are heavier this fucking moron thought cars today were heavier than cars back in the day

you know like the 1959 Cadillac i'm sure that that car was lighter than your average Toyota Camry so anyways this somebody sent me let me actually read this guy's this guy's response here one of the many that i got um on the gas mileage thing it always blows my mind what people fucking respond to so this guy ends up writing me uh he goes there are two reasons wait a minute it's loading loading i don't know he gave me all these fucking reasons and i basically responded but so basically you're telling me he basically said that it had nothing to do with money it had to do with the weight of the cars and somehow the the mixture of the gasoline that we use nowadays that's why they just can't figure out a fucking way to get more than like better than what's the

highest you've seen like 40 45 this guy tried to say well actually there are things that get 100 miles to gallon they're scooters ah what a moron he goes there's two reason why old cars have such highly high published gas mileage for one the epa test simply used to provide higher numbers sir they've been doing that right up until the last couple of years ago in fact the year before i bought my Prius they were legally able to claim that it got like 50 fifth i actually almost 60 miles per gallon before they cracked down on the hybrid and made them say actually 41 i'm aware of the epa test i'm aware that they do it when there's no headwind i'm aware that most of the test is when they're fucking going 25 miles an hour and they only drive the car 55 miles an hour for about

fucking 30 seconds i realize that the numbers are skewed okay he said it's been revived several times over the decade yeah so my Prius your Prius would get like 70 miles per gallon on the old test no it wouldn't sir no it wouldn't it would get more like 60 that's what it did let's just say that it would get 70 who gives a shit he goes where am i the second reason is safety features check out the weight of your vehicles cars have gotten heavier no they have it my Prius is not heavier than a fucking Subaru in the 1970s it isn't dude i'm old enough to remember when cars actually had metal on their dashboard they're all plastics hunks of shit now he goes cars even 15 years ago featured death traps when compared to the modern cars no they didn't they've had the

crumple free zones those don't look crumple free they've had those crumple zones for years sir in 1988 i was coming home from a christmas party drunk off my ass sitting in the fucking passenger seat of a Pontiac Grand Prix we pulled up to a red light there was a fucking Jeep CJ7 the old school one sitting there all right we saw it i saw it the driver saw it but the alcohol didn't quite see it and we just saw it went we were slowing down but we didn't come to his complete stop and just completely rear ended this guy all right there wasn't a scratch on the fucking Jeep this goddamn car folded up like a fucking accordion the engine dropped down underneath us and i i got i didn't even get a boo boo i just sort of you know i didn't i didn't have a seatbelt on or nothing the car

was designed to take 80 percent of the fucking impact all right you're sitting in your cubicle just tossing these fucking numbers out all right so basically our response is i'm saying it has nothing to do with money in the oil companies so basically what you're telling me is that nowadays i can have a video conference with somebody in brazil while my entire music collection is in my pocket on a phone that is also a camera and a video recorder i can upload the content onto the internet and potentially have it viewed by every person in the fucking world but we can't make a car that does any better than 40 miles per gallon so fortunately you know everything else has fucking progressed except for gas mileage dude i'm telling you they have the technology to get like 500 miles

per gallon they're just not gonna fucking put it out because that's how powerful the goddamn oil companies are they're right up there with the banks you got the banks and then you got the oil company the banks control the money supply and then the oil companies they control energy okay you control energy you can you control the fucking population do you know that they're actually out here there's people they're selling kits out here to have your own fucking windmill so you can get yourself off the grid so then they immediately passed the fucking law general electric that general electric had to come around and make sure that everything was safe they had to get their fucking noses back in there so because they can't have people disappearing

off the fucking grid you can't have people getting free energy other than the cost of the fucking windmill you can't have them sitting there and every time the goddamn wind blows it it recharges a generator and now i don't have to work as much if i don't have to work as much i don't have to go into debt you're getting yourself off of the fucking treadmill and they can't have that all right god damn it i wish i was more intelligent so i could explain this better but you know what there's a great uh documentary i'm actually going to email this guy back it's called the gas hole full documentary and there's and they have everything from they have everything from the the the urban myth of the water powered carburetor which this guy who wrote to me completely

dismissed he completely dismissed any sort of uh that that that that that exists because he sits in a cubicle and i sit in a fucking bedroom all right and he tries to just say that's just another media hoax oh you know they said do we beat eisenhower a fucking like dumb shit like that okay this so this documentary everything from like the urban myth that that these uh water powered cars existed um all the way up to actual a retired um scientists who work for shell who you just have to watch this documentary they were shown there was a book out that claimed that they could get 149 miles per gallon in the 1950s on like a packard or a de soto and by the 70s this scientist who worked for shell said they had gotten it up to a thousand

miles per gallon all right i don't know why people think that it's it's absolutely impossible to improve the gas mileage some people feel that i don't know why people feel like we can't come up with anything better than the gas combustion engine it's complete fucking bull it's the same level of bullshit as that there's an actual difference between a democrat and a republican watch this documentary the gas hole we're gonna have the link up on the monday morning podcast just watch this shit and i don't know what to tell you some of it looks like okay they have this old guy going you know and this guy showed up and he had it was a contraption made out of you know it was powered on water and then he claimed that shell bought the patent gave him a million

dollars and then he could never fucking you know make another one now that's the kind of shit some old guy saying that he saw it on a salt flat in the 1950s i'm not going with that all right i'm not that much of a fucking whack job but when a guy at work used to work for shell is coming out saying that type of stuff it's just it gets to the point like are all of these people nuts you know what i mean there's no fucking way i don't give a shit whether there's lead and gas whether there's not lead and gas how much the car fucking weighs or any of that bullshit there's no fucking way that in in in almost 40 years you can't do better than two more miles per gallon i absolutely fucking refuse to believe it i i i i fucking refuse to believe it i think it's

complete fucking horseshit it's just another way to keep control of the herd now if you want to argue that you need to keep control of the herd or there's going to be absolute chaos so we have to keep cars down like that i will listen to that argument but if you're going to come at me and tell me that in 2000 fucking 11 okay when i'm reading shit that in the medical field they can now grow a fucking a new colon for somebody outside of the body i read this this thing on that ted.com this woman had a completely ulcerated large intestine so they took some sort of tissue culture whatever the fuck that means out of her disease colon use that to then grow another one outside of her body when they were done growing it they took the old one out and put

the new one in like she went down to mitis muffler and it totally fucking worked okay up until like five years ago you were looking at a colostomy bag you would have a bag of shit right under her fucking right titty for the rest of her goddamn life her social life would have been over okay if they can do that you're telling me you're still gonna tell me they can't do anything better than about 40 fucking 45 miles a gallon you're really gonna sit there and believe that in your goddamn cubicle that they just can't fucking just can't fucking figure it out the only way i can get like 100 miles a gallon is if i ride on a fucking scooter you sir believe in santa claus i remember one time i had this old piece of shit truck right that i drove for like 10 years because i knew i

wanted to be a comedian and i didn't want to go into debt so when the engine finally died i threw a new engine in there and the guy told me he needed to rebuild the carburetor i'm like you don't need to rebuild the carburetor so you know what this cunt did he fucking adjusted the carburetor so i would just get shitty gas mileage hoping i would be an absolute fucking moron and then drive back and be like well i guess you're right i'm just i'm just chowing through gas here that's what this motherfucker did at his little garage this little piece of shit did that because it wasn't enough that he fucking made 1600 fucking bucks off me he wanted to make like fucking 1900 bucks so he did that just as a fucking individual and you're going to try and tell me that a corporation

that basically controls the world fucking energy is not going to buy up patents by people that that are that are that are are making are coming up with uh carburetors and stuff like carburetors but coming up with with with alternate ways of powering a car more efficiently they're not going to buy that up dude they had that whole stanley mayor thing and that's not a conspiracy theory either we actually we actually played the news clip on the opium anthony show stanley mayor great news for individuals but bad news for oil companies claims he's come up with an engine that can run on any type of water fresh water salt water rain water doesn't make a difference and he claims he can drive across the country on 28 gallons of water um this is of such interest

the pentagon is sending a lieutenant colonel out there that was the actual news clip from the opium anthony show it was an actual news clip it's not some bullshit i read on a fucking website okay now what happened after that nobody knows but basically within 10 years stanley was dead and his car disappeared and his brother right now is trying to get the car back and nobody knows where the fuck it is all right um i i truly believe that the quickest death sentence you could possibly have is to go in the news and claim that you've come out with an alternate source of energy that's going to put a corporation out of business that is making that is projected to make 350 billion dollars next year how much do you think your life is worth and if you have 350 billion dollars how

easy is it do you think to get somebody to solve this problem you now if you're new to my podcast last week i was saying how come miles per gallon on gas uh on cars sorry has been has basically been the same since the 70s so people were trying to suggest to me that cars weighed more back in the 70s and i said get the fuck out of here those goddamn led back in the day they had metal bumpers and full-sized spares get the fuck out of here i remember when we had a we had like a 72 or 73 buick regal two door and it took two me and one of my brothers all of our might to open that fucking car doors like open

up goddamn like a bank vault but two things i forgot to do one actually look up the stats and two realize that i was like fucking six years old when i was trying to open it you know you ever think that shit when you think it doesn't it doesn't really snow as much as it used to which it probably doesn't but as far as like the storms remember you like dude back in the day was up to my waist yeah and you were about three feet tall that's why that's why that's why it seemed so fucking deep because you could barely look over a coffee table um anyway so i'll give you guys that one i'll give you guys that one okay and i would actually love to be wrong on this one but i just don't think i am even though i was wrong that that cars weighed more in the 70s and

people show me a bunch of stats because god knows i'm not gonna look at him all right and people by the way who actually said that i really sounded like a moron last week i may i invite you to listen to the first four years of this podcast and just see the reoccurring theme that that is okay i don't read it makes me sleepy i've stated that before i don't fucking read all right i go with my gut okay i'll tell you this right now i don't know how to fill a tooth but i can go in and look at a dentist in real and i can i can fucking judge that guy whether or not he's gonna he's he's telling me the truth does that make any sense of course it doesn't go fuck yourself i got a goddamn hour to fill here this is what this is the problem i have i have with people who are defending the oil companies

here is basically when you go back to the 70s okay and you prove to me that cars did they weigh more now okay so you're right on that one but your logic though is still based in that the oil companies were telling the truth in 1976 that whatever 35 miles per gallon was the best that we could do so you use that as a jump off point to then prove your point now that that's why cars get the gas mileage that that that that they get today is basically i have to make the leap with you that oil companies are telling the truth that this 350 billion dollar industry okay that that is on numerous occasions openly got in the way of any sort of progress i remember here out in california i think was the late 90s it might have been 20 years ago i can't remember it was

before i moved out here the first time or right after i left the air quality out here was so fucking horrific it's like i know a lot of people still think it's real smoggy out here it definitely gets smoggy but usually just in the summertime and it's definitely hazy out here but haze is not fucking smog smog is brown you go hiking and you feel a burning in your fucking chest back in the day in the late 90s okay you could see this shit so anyway so they put this uh they put it to the vote for a people to the people who actually would vote on this shit and they passed this bill that said by the year 2000 whatever whatever 25% or 30% of cars had to run on something other than you know the gas oil basically the gas combustion engine they

basically paved the way for the big three to then basically start making electric cars the fucking thing passed and oil companies got together with their lobbyists and they went and they just totally dismantled the whole thing and the whole thing fucking went away okay which for all you people out there who are going to explain capitalism capitalism to me i get it that is their prerogative to do that why wouldn't they get in the way of that so let me ask you this you're telling me that they would get in the way of that but they wouldn't get in the way of any sort of progress just with the gas combustion engine they wouldn't get in the way of any of that type of progress they seem to not get in the way of anything else safety they don't give a shit about they

won't get in the way of that type of stuff burning it cleaner they don't give a fuck about but miles per gallon which is their bottom line like do you guys honestly think like today like what your car gets like that's honestly the best that science can do that is we are right up against the fucking wall is that what you're telling me you know considering if they just even increased it by five ten miles a gallon per every new car that they would immediately lose hundreds of millions of dollars why would they do it why would they do why would they allow that to happen why wouldn't they get in the way of that that's all i'm asking here and you know something for all you fucking assholes out there who call me this whack job conspiracy theorists these are my

conspiracies bankers are fucking evil oil companies lie to you and insurance companies are pieces of shit that's basically my three and then they have enough money to basically buy elections that's basically it okay those really aren't groundbreaking conspiracies are they i'm not saying that some guy living in the fucking moon i'm not saying i saw a fucking flying saucer come out of the goddamn ocean and fucking take a piss on somebody sunbathing and then you know i i saw ronald reagan waving out the side of it and then it took off i'm not saying that shit i i just i don't buy it okay and i actually got emails from people um they sent me these these these links they sent me to this link of this this fucking kid 14 year old kid with one of his

classmates built this futuristic looking jetsons car and they got close to 2000 miles per gallon i'll i'll send you the link to this you can go in the mm podcast and look at this thing mm the mm podcast dot com look at the picture this thing okay and once you're done saying well it's not a practical car it's not as heavy as the other ones it would never meet the safety standards and yada yada yada all that fucking shit do you honestly think that airbags navigation systems crumple zones and all that you're honestly gonna tell me that that basically knocks off 1900 miles per gallon are you really gonna fucking sit there and tell me that you honestly think that they're not why wouldn't they get out in the way of it they have the money to

get in the way in the way of it and not only that they're not even part of this country in a way they're borderless they're they're worldwide i i don't i don't know so i just i i i respectfully apologize for not fucking uh looking up the way to the car i was 100 percent wrong in that but i still do not think that i'm wrong or i'm fucking paranoid i had one guy this guy's fucking hilarious this guy was just ripping me just saying this is classic old man it's like dude i'm 43 jesus christ this guy's going old man like i'm afraid of the world i'm afraid of the fucking world i have i at least can sit here and tell you that i don't believe in all that religious horseshit what i if i was a scared old man wouldn't i be going to church every goddamn week wouldn't i be doing that

stuff believing in the immaculate conception i think you go in the ground people i think you know what that's that's my theory i think when you die you go in the ground and then you become a fossil fuel for more people to fucking fight and in lie about the the you know you know and my my actually my prius and i've actually thought about doing this there's people granted it fucks over your warrant your your warranty on your car they can actually get 100 miles per gallon debate and basically what they do is they just uh they just fill the ass in with a bunch of batteries you know which i'm sure those are great for the environment oh you know what it is people i think you know what it comes down to the most why is my

fucking throat so dry hang on a second i think it comes down to the amount of what we do we're fucked but i just think that there's certain entities that just have too much fucking power i think when you start making 350 billion dollars a year and you're nationwide at some point some sort of government should have some sort of power over you and i don't really think that our ours does i don't i don't think that they have any fucking power what are they gonna do they got us by the balls the second you start giving them shit they put their hand on the on the nozzle of the spigot good keep talking we're gonna we'll shut this fucking thing off huh you want to pay nine thousand dollars for a cantaloupe then shut your face four twenty

five a gallon go fuck yourself next question yes this is our Marnie um all right plowing ahead here i really want you guys to look at this okay you guys who actually fucking do research um like here's one guy tells me the 1987 Honda CRX got 57 miles on the highway weight was 1800 pounds the 2011 CRX miles per gallon is 41 on the highway and it weighs 2600 pounds so i i see i see their fucking argument so right there it's like all right well the car weighs fucking 800 more pounds which is a lot when the first one only weighed 1800 you're almost you're talking about what's that 40 percent weighs 40 percent more is it getting 40 percent less on the gas no it isn't so that's actually a fucking improvement i will give you that but

the jump off point i'm not buying it i'm not buying that we can only get 25 miles a gallon in 1975 i don't buy it i bet they easily could have got 200 at that point they're not gonna do it dude you're talking about the blue bloods at that point you're talking about that level of fucking power all right my apologies to everybody out there who actually has some sort of science background evidently people told me that that stan stanley mayor the water power car is junk science and it's it's absolutely ridiculous as someone even suggests that they could do that so i lost on that one so this so you so you guys you guys won two-thirds of the argument here with me all right so now that you've backed me into the corner i want you to explain to me why oil

companies wouldn't stand in the way of that technology and and two-fold and why you believe that what they tell you that cars get is the best that we can do why you believe that we can't get 60 miles per gallon well you know there's there's there's airbags and other things and satellites lying around us what you warm things up this spring with a trip to cirrillas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at cirrillas along with all

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